Dear Chump Lady, How long do you think this affair was going on?

greatest-weekend-dad-ever-family-ecard-someecardsDear Chump Lady,

My husband of 6 years (together for 10) left me and our (then) 6-month-old son 8 months ago.

He said he hadn’t loved me for “2 years,” he didn’t love me any more and he “didn’t want this life.” In fact he went as far as to say he “didn’t love me, but didn’t hate me.” I had his baby six months prior, after four years of trying. WTF?!

This all happened several weeks after he had stayed the night at my friend’s house after a party we had both been at. (I’d gone home at midnight to relieve my mum of babysitting duties.) He’d left the party (with my “friend” of 24 years!) and gone back to her house “for drinks” where apparently he just passed out. They both swore nothing happened and, chump that I am, I believed them, despite that uneasy nagging feeling (that I believe is called intuition).

Several weeks later he left.

Turns out she left her husband (in the middle of IVF — ended up getting her eggs frozen) the same week. Her husband, by the way, was my husband’s best man’s brother. Mmm hhhhh.

After he left, and up until I found out by other means last week, he wouldn’t tell me where he lived. As we had a child together I found this unacceptable and very odd.

He also made up an imaginary girlfriend (as it turns out) several weeks after he left. He told me about this imaginary girlfriend because, and I quote, he “wanted to be honest” with me.

He has been a good dad since then (but all on his terms — the overnight visit is done at my, previously our, house and I have to camp at my parents’ or friends’ houses).

Last week I found out that he and my “friend” are living together not 20 minutes from where I live.

He tried to deny it when confronted but then, realising the game was up (I had recent proof), said he’d only been seeing her for two months and he “didn’t leave me for her,” he left for “the reasons we’ve already talked about.” (A load of old bullshit, which at the time I couldn’t believe he was saying and actually made me think I was going mad).

My question is — do you think, from your experience of chumps, that in fact this was going on for far longer than he is admitting? I am now imagining that perhaps it could be months or even years longer than I think!!

Will it work out I wonder? The thought of this woman being my son’s stepmother is nauseating.

My “friend” is a bit of a basket case and is very highly strung, but has a phenomenal figure so I’m thinking my ex is about as shallow as a puddle. Good luck to her I say! But God, it hurts…

Ever yours.

Naive English Chump

Dear Naive English Chump,

I think you’re asking the wrong set of questions. Instead of “how long did it go on?” and “will it work out?” how about  — “Where can I get an aggressive lawyer and an enforceable custody agreement?”

He has been a good dad since then (but all on his terms — the overnight visit is done at my, previously our, house and I have to camp at my parents’ or friends’ houses).

No, NO, NO! Why are you letting him set the terms? Do you even HAVE legal terms? Do not set this precedent! He is NOT a “good dad.” Good fathers do not abandon their 6-month-old infants. They don’t get to waltz into care-taking as it suits them. Good fathers do not make postpartum mothers sleep on other people’s fold-out sofas.

He wants to walk out on you and your son? Then he gets all the consequences that go with that decision — divorce, enforced child support, and a custody schedule. Frankly, if I were you, I would press for full custody. Any man who can abandon his infant son isn’t going to look like Father of The Year to a judge. And not only did he abandon you all, he didn’t even leave a return address. I hope you’re documenting that for your lawyer.

Start calling the shots. I know it’s absolutely galling that your former “friend” would be anywhere near your child, but the fact is, she probably already has been in your home and with your child. (You disappear, remember?) How lovely to have the frisson of the affair continue. How desperate must she be to have him now she’s left her husband. Leave them alone to their deep fuckupedness. You take YOUR child and go live in YOUR space WITHOUT their presence. Remove yourself from the crazy.

It’s very difficult to do no contact when you have children together, but you can practice super strong boundaries. You can distance yourself with scheduling software, and brief business-like texts about your son. You don’t need this creep in your kitchen heating up bottles. Here are your choices:

1.) Get a custody schedule and abide by it. It will feel like a hostage drop off for awhile, but eventually it becomes tolerable. Upside to you — you get free time. He has to figure out parenting on his OWN, without your assistance. When he fucks up? DOCUMENT.

2.) No custody schedule? No obligation to do jack shit for him. Talk to your lawyer, but from what I understand an absence of an enforceable order means you’re winging it until you have one. No need to wing it HIS way. Wing it YOUR way. He LEFT.

3.) Consider getting him to sign away his parental rights. A radical move, but perhaps a possible one seeing as this guy is not deeply invested in being a father. Downside — no child support for you. But you might save yourself years of heartache if you can get this man permanently out of you and your son’s life.

Naive, often we insert ourselves in the “co-parenting” process because we think we can manage the other parent. Everything from making them see what they lost, to tying ourselves into knots of accommodation. Behind this is fear — that without us the checked out parent will abandon again, neglect, give over to addiction, parent wrong, fail to do the book reports… We tell ourselves that our pretzeling (like sleeping on your parents’ sofa) is what is Best For The Children. But what’s best for the children is a sane parent. One with a life independent of fuckwits. You don’t control fuckwits. You only control yourself.

So wake up to that reality right now. You have a window of opportunity — to fight for how much contact this loser has with your son. I’d fight that battle first. Then, focus on gaining that new life. Being the sane, rock-solid parent to your son.  You’re going to be a wonderful mom who parents her way with her values. You’re going to have the intimacy that comes from raising your little boy on your terms. What’s he got? A “basket case” with nice boobs. You win.

Now, I’ll answer your questions. How long did it go on? Longer than he said it did. There should be some cheater calculus on reported length of affair vs. actual affair. Probably while you were pregnant, for sure, if you want my educated guess reading at Chump Nation. Will it last? Who knows? Probably not. But it won’t matter — you’ll be at meh by then. And sleeping in your own bed 24/7.

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Anita
Anita
7 years ago

Any “man ” who would abandon his wife and infant child for some whore because she has a “phenomenal figure ” gets what he deserves. A whore.

Follow CL’s advice. Make this loser face the consequences he had created for himself.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Hello-My Name is Fabulous. That is it, Anita.

Exactly. I can’t go down the “attractiveness” road. My X is like Dorian Grey and the Universe saw fit to bless him with preternaturally good looks. I pray that his partying and drug use will age him. It lends him a tremendous amount of arrogance in an already bloated ego. It is sickening the way women who have no moral compass act like he is the HillBilly Bradley Cooper. They even offer to do his laundry.

I would have rather he looked like a hobbit and have some integrity and loved me.

Cheating is not about looks. I have seen some of the OWs photos, and…Sleestack is the best description of the main one. Another (not confirmed) has tattoos on her chest, neck and hands, and about 15 piercings. She is 23 and is a drug dealer. She brags about it on her FB page….about being a “gangsta”.
One is attractive, with 4 children from 4 dads and she is a convicted felon who talks, on her FB…about “busting some bitches up, I’m a head knocker “…and “I know all you jealous Hos lurking on my FB page”. She is a classy chick.

See Naive….don’t research. There is nothing good to discover.

Ab
Ab
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia this made me lol…sleestack haha

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, I’m wondering how she was able to escape from prison!? I’m sure she belongs to the Whore Gang and not the Crips!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

No More- You made me laugh for the first time in many days!
Thank you so much.

?
It is so bad. (sob)

HE TOOK EVERY SWEET MEMORY WE HAD AND TURNED IT TO SHIT
What a joke. What a farce.

Watching documentaries with me, mowing my yard, kissing me, helping my bathe my dogs, going to the library with me, washing my cars…while texting with these gansta bitches.

HE TOOK EVERY SWEET MEMORY WE HAD AND TURNED IT TO SHIT

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia–You, like most of us, were Truman in The Truman Show. Living what we thought was an honest life, enjoying some tender moments & laughs, but all the while we were being conned for someone else’s amusement. And finding out our “legitimate” life was a farce is more painful than almost anything else we will experience.

If it helps, the pain dulls to incredulity. Eventually.

Mo
Mo
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

OMG, thanks for the Truman show reference. That describes my story to a tee. I’ll submit my story separately, but thanks for making my day.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, It does help. Reading that was like a drink of water. I really am like Truman.
I wake up worried…..worried about what is going to happen next. Something bad. Unexpected. Bizarre.

My mistake might be (still…I am hard headed) trying to rush this. I went to Meet Ups, and it makes me nuts. I miss my X. Not the betrayal but the ease and comfort and the excitement we had together.

We had that rare (now I see FAKE) thing where we were always kissing and having sex but we also could cuddle and talk for hours (if he was sober…idiotic)

Something about going around other men sets me Waaaaaaayyyyyy back. Like concerned about myself back. Like staring at the ceiling back. Blast. 🙁

I guess it means I am not ready. To even socialize with men.

I never even cheated on him in my thoughts. I was dedicated to a lie.
It is Truman.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, Meet-up isn’t for looking the next guy. It’s for you being you Best Self. It seems to me that you are Thinker, Traveler, a Major in Psychology/Personality Disorders, a lover of animals and I’m sure there is more! Meet-ups it to hang with people like yourself. I have yet to go to any, because I enjoy my time by myself. 🙂

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Dont rush sylvia. Take this time just for you!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The Truman Show!! Yes, that’s it exactly! And what Kiwichump said, “People who haven’t experienced this don’t get it, you don’t see any bruises on us from this.” Yep, so true. To realize that he was just an actor all those years! People just don’t get how this plays with your mind and memories. They don’t how traumatizing it is to realize the life you were living was a total lie, but you didn’t know it. And all those people who say “get over it” and “move on”, they have no clue what we are dealing with. I honestly wanted to go out and buy a fake Academy Award for my ex and give it to him. He’s THAT great of an actor.

SomethingNew
SomethingNew
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

This ^^^^ is why I re-named mine Oscar (referring to the trophy). Mind-boggling, really, that someone even would want to lie so much. Practice makes perfect, I suppose, and he was brain-breakingly good at it, as I didn’t find out for a decade.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes^^^^ One of my all time favorite movies. I always felt that she was Meryl. She proved herself to be just that.

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, that is so true about the Truman Show!! I have often drawn this analogy myself. I have so many details from his 9 year “double life,” and when I think about his role in “our” life (my kid’s and mine), I can’t see him as anything other than a good actor playing a role. And we were all the poor unknowing Trumans, really believing that this life with him was real. Only it wasn’t. We were all just being played for his comfort, convenience and amusement.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Wow Tempest, once again you’ve hit it. Truman in the Truman Show captures my feelings about the past 10 years exactly. Same experience as Sylvia’s and the same questions we all ask, like Naive EC, how long did it really go on for, what was real?
So true and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I remember the only insightful thing the MC ever said to us. that it was an existential disgreement. Phew, makes me dizzy to think about all this, I try to avoid thinking about it this way because I almost get vertigo, but it’s the truth.
People who haven’t experienced this don’t get it, you don’t see any bruises on us from this.

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago

Yep, probably goes way back. My STBX had affairs throughout both pregnancies among his 100’s and said those “didn’t count” because his therapist said tons of men who are nervous about fatherhood have affairs during their wives pregnancies. I love how the idiots justified it. (Idiot therapist and idiot poor excuse for a husband…)

(I am still so angry about the diseases he exposed his unborn children and I to.)

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

I almost forgot this precious nugget– it was also so hard for him (snif) when I was pregnant and “out of shape and overweight.” He couldn’t satisfy his high sex drive needs because he couldn’t get turned on by the way I looked. Meanwhile, I was one of those pregnant women who was quite affected by the whole blood-flow thing and was seriously amorous.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

And one more thing, these men are “nervous” about fatherhood and their way of coping is by sticking their dick in another woman’s vagina. This makes total sense doesn’t it. (eye roll). How about the women out there that will be pushing out an 8 lbs human being from a womb, having body parts torn apart, and dealing with all the excruciating pain. How come we don’t go out and find some dick to satisfy us, since our nervousness is a million times worse. If that’s how these men cope with nervousness, then we don’t need men like this in our lives. Complete selfish assholes, who don’t consider remotely how the pregnancy and motherhood will affect their spouses… unbelievable level of selfishness.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

My hypothesis is that they are not worried about fatherhood. They know that having a child will end their centrality to the marriage because parent, especially in the early days after a baby is born, must focus on the child and the adjustment to being a family of 3 instead of just a couple. Narcissists literally can’t share attention.

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

YES!!! You are so right.

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Good point. Or maybe it’s the wild oats theory. Once they have secured a pregnancy they look for another woman to breed with, no need to invest anymore in the first one. I’ve known men like this, they have a lot of baby mothers and keep breeding with new ones. They are not nervous. It’s an investment strategy.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Kiwichump

kiwi chump said: “It’s an investment strategy.”

Kiwi, as a person who knows about animals and breeding, I would like to assure you that not every male human is such a fucking animal. There are many out there who care for their offspring and would rather die than abandon his kids.

There is nothing that angers me more than deadbeat dads who fuck around on their pregnant wives. They knew when they fucked you exactly what the outcome could be.

Don’t enable man children to get off scot free, ladies. Dump a cheater.

Sara
Sara
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

She never said ‘every male’. She only said she have known men like this.I’m sure you have your own fair share of knowledge about the same kind of women too.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Exactly, LAJ. Narcs don’t like to share anything, especially attention.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LovedAjackass, I so agree with your post. Then why do these men decide to have children then? They can remain childless and be the center of attention for the rest of their lives. It’s ok not to have children and there are other people out there who don’t want children either. Having children is a conscious decision that people make. If they know it will end their centrality, then don’t have kids! But not, they no only have kids, but crush the mother and their own child. It’s so messed up I can’t even fathom it sometimes.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Some of them like the extra air of legitimacy that being a parent affords them, so that they can carry on their tawdry affairs with the veneer of social acceptance.

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

“Peter Pan” made it a habit to complain that I wasn’t giving him enough attention after our first was born. So sorry I have to care for this newborn baby……. are you?! kidding me?!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

Well then why didn’t he try taking care of the newborn all by himself on his own for 24/7. Let’s see if he would have even had the energy to complain?

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Ding!
We have a winner. That’s it boiled down to a single thought,

Buddy
Buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

I can just picture it. Wife lying in hospital bed. Doctor says “you’re dilated to 4 cm,” to which wife responds, “Honey, before the next contraction, get Paul in here! I need his dick in my mouth NOW!!!”

With the marriage counselor in the corner saying to the husband, “Don’t worry Carl. Your wife has anxiety about the contractions. It’s perfectly normal for her to need to suck another man’s penis under these circumstances. Hold her hand and apply a cool washcloth to her forehead.”

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
7 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Yes! Truth in the absurd! So funny and yet how can this possibly make sense in the reverse?

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Hahahaha. Ewwww.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Oh, that’s exactly the response I couldn’t formulate! Perfect.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

LOL!!

buddy
buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

I despise the “because it happens it is therefore acceptable and normal and understandable” argument.

Hey dumb-ass therapists reading this: Murder happens. Rape happens. Terrorism happens. Emotional abuse happens. Child abuse happens. Domestic violence happens.

None of those things are acceptable or to be normalized.

Betraying, abusing and abandoning one’s family for some strange is not acceptable just because it happens.

The only thing to be understood is the chump’s psychology of putting up with this crap.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  buddy

Heck ya buddy!! Sling that shit at the dumbasses!!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

“because his therapist said tons of men who are nervous about fatherhood have affairs during their wives pregnancies.”

My jaw dropped on the floor. I am speechless and disgusted. what a nice way to welcome your newborn child you created into this world, by ruining the stable family unit and screwing over the mother of your child. Tons of men huh? That therapist should never have another client again. I wonder of they would say that if it happened to them, asshole.

Margo
Margo
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

You should have hit him with a bat and that’s an understatement

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Therapist suggest he had a sex addiction right away. I think Snarc liked that at 1st (you know that’s kinda cool in a Tiger Woods kind of way, plus he felt like a stud) Later he decided that wasn’t so flattering after all and suddenly he did not have sex addiction, just a “high sex drive”

I hated that therapist whom I never met. Interestingly he quit therapy cold turkey after a few months into it and acted really weird for a few days. (We lived in the same house for 12 months! He wouldn’t leave and I couldn’t afford to.) My therory is the idiot therapist finally figured out he was a socio-Narc and shared that with Snarc who immediately quit therapy after he wasn’t getting his ego petted and his justifications he sought.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

Didn’t count!?
That is some ballsy gaslighting. And trying to make it credible by citing his therapist.
What a tool.
?

GracieD
GracieD
7 years ago

Our Marriage Counselor actually told me – to my face- that the pursuit of happiness is in the American Constitution (it isn’t – its the Declaration of Independence) it was therefore @sshole’s human right to have affairs! I told her that it was my human right not to be married to a cheating lying idiot and sacked her.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

…100’s? How???

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

3 years dating, 1 year engagement, 20 years of marriage. Traveled extensively for work (sales- fab job for somatic actor narc.) He her to “care about 3” of the women and had long term relationships with them. The rest were mainly gym flies, one- brighter hotel bar hussies and Ho-workers. I met him at 18, (him 25) he was my 1st boyfriend. When something was suspicious and I’d inquire. I’d wind up in tears apologizing. What a chump.

He admitted to the secret life when I said we needed marriage counceling to save marriage for kids after he told me he was in love with whore at work who also slept with her married boss 1 year prior. I didn’t know the extent of his lies/life and I guess he came clean to not have to reconcile. Thamk goodness in retrospect. I was so freaked out about my future I may have stayed longer. (SAHM for 18 years.)

Turns out he doesn’t have a college degree, never played D1 basketball, he has lied about his entire life to everyone!

D should be final in November. I’m working 3 jobs, accepting a shit settlement to br done with his ass, and thankful I survived the past 14 months since D-day last Aug.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

If he weren’t so unbelievably abominable, he’d be a laughable and pathetic poster boy for TEXTBOOK Cluster B. A demonic caricature. Same comment applies to Naive’s monstrosity.

I don’t know how you survived, but I’m beyond glad you did. Your kids, like Naive’s baby, have a terrific mother. (I’m awed, too. Common theme for me here. I’m pretty resilient, usually. This is a hell unlike any other.)

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

Yikes, I shouldn’t even attempt to type on a phone! I’m sorry for all the type-os!

Tania Rochelle
Tania Rochelle
7 years ago

I hate this guy.

Arene
Arene
7 years ago
Reply to  Tania Rochelle

I have more respect for prostitute crack whores than I do for these OW former friends, cheating on a pregnant nursing wife

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Arene

+1
It makes you long for the days of the stockade and public floggings.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I go with waterboarding and replaying last night’s debate! “That’ll learn ‘um!”

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Being a history buff, I’m a fan of medieval instruments of torture.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago
Reply to  Tania Rochelle

Ditto.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
7 years ago

Hasn’t loved you for two years, and yet made a baby with you during that time? Scum. Something in there is full of lies, but it doesn’t really matter what it is. You’re free of him; at least he’s not still trying to live with you and convince you the affair is over. The marriage is over, and he’s still lying to you when he doesn’t really even have anything to gain from it.

Being a single mom to an infant is HARD but not as bad as being hurt and lied to by the person (people) supposed to have your back and protect you. Your life will be better without them in it.

Because you don’t have a legal agreement yet, you’re stuck looking backwards because you haven’t got anything to look forward into yet. A little bit of analysis is okay, it can sometimes help with the closure, and help you figure out what you are or are not willing to put up with in the future. Or you can just assume the worst, shrug, and move on out of it.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful Cynic

True–and there’s the answer: he’s been having affairs for 2 years (at least), which is what started the phase of “I don’t love you.” Because these cheaters always get things back-assward; they don’t have affairs because they fall out of love, they “fall out of love” once they have an affair.

nomar
nomar
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Or stated otherwise, cheaters rewrite history to justify or at least minimize the start of their cheating (i.e., “I fell out of love with YOU, and some time LATER fate sent me OW”).

If you want a good estimate of when an abandoner started cheating, press them as to when they “fell out of love” and know that the cheating goes back ***at least*** that far. No one with cheater morals “falls out of love” then waits years or even months to start rutting. Lack of impulse control (by inability or by choice) is at the heart of cheating after all.

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

So “I’ve been unhappy for years” translates as “I’ve been cheating for years”. God they are all so unoriginal! One of my friends just caught her husband cheating. He’s adamant it was once and (drum roll) it happened because he was (sob) unhappy! Strangely, when I saw him a couple of weeks before the discovery he was the chirpiest I’d ever seen him. And when my ex left me 3 years ago, his only comment was “the pathology is equal in marriage breakups”. In retrospect sounds like the unsympathetic defensiveness of a seasoned cheater.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Thanks everybody for the kind words.

nomar, you make it sound so romantic. I wish I could find somebody special to blow up my life with, and get me some rutting. That’s what I’ve been missing is the surreptitious rutting.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I did not know you were the moderator, I thought you were a physician!

Yes….it is a deliberate CHOICE to abandon the couple unit and share their energy with “THE OTHER”.
They fall out of love once they have the affair.

I could actually feel Rasputin’s intense energy leaving me….when I dialed into what was happening. It was as real as gravity.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

“”I could actually feel Rasputin’s intense energy leaving me….when I dialed into what was happening. It was as real as gravity.””

Yup..! I’ve described when my wife’s affair was finally in the open after all her lies and weekends away it was like some giant Tetris game and all the pieces just came together all at once. I would have NEVER suspected it…I trusted her. God looking back I was so stupid. That was one valuable lesson.

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

I struggled so much with that as well! It was SO obvious for SO many years AFTERWARD. I hated (still hate actually) how completely stupid I felt/feel. I mean seriously, mystery hotels called asking about our stay, mysterious phone outages no one else had, even f-ing scratches on his body on many occasions over the years, that were always from the cables at the gym. When he was cold & distant, I’d get myself to the gym, make sure I didn’t weight over my allowed number, buy him some gifts, make favorite foods, UGH! Those were the times he was screwing poeple-DUH, and there I was cowering around making sure I was being the perfect wife so he’d be nicer to me. OMG, I am cringing even writing this…. 24 years of double life (dating, marriage, 2 kids…) It was all a big lie. The Truman Show reference really resonated with me. But, I admittedly still have trouble getting past feeling like a complete idiot. I guess we believe what we want to believe is true. Also, my therapist says its so hard for normal, honest, good people to believe/relate to that kind of BS because to us it is outrageous, unbelievable, and something we could never do. That really spoke to me as well.

The other thing I hated early on was how completely embarrassed I was. I didn’t share here, or with anyone but the closest of friends early on from pure shamed embarrassment. I still feel stupid to this day, but I am no longer embarrassed. Sharing with people getes me advise, wisdom, and the reality check that he is screwed up – it’s not that I am undesirable.

Chantelle
Chantelle
7 years ago
Reply to  beenchumped

I was exactly the same! Completely embarrassed I would always cover for him and protect him. I didn’t want any one to think he was a bad person or judge me. So when I finally left after the third affair I was no longer embarrassed but it was so hard for anyone to believe that he would do this. Now I tell anyone and everyone why my marriage ended and I feel no shame whatsoever. I was also able to clue on VERY easily after the first time. The one week madly in love, the next complete coldness and avoidance. The first two times I was pissed and he knew it, the third time (28 weeks pregnant) I was scared and bent over backwards to please him/compete with the other woman. When I had my daughter I realised what a chump I was being and how I did not want to set this example for her….. She made it easy for me to leave!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
7 years ago
Reply to  beenchumped

OMG finally a good therapist!I felt the same way but the more you are able to talk about it objectively the closer you get to “meh”. That’s my goal – not there yet. Still trying to condition myself to repeat how awful he was and forget the “nice” things he said and did because they werent real.

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

I have been blessed with a GREAT therapist. She saved my life I think. I wish I could share her with all of you!!! One session she got very stern with me and said she was completely fed up with me defending him to her and I MUST accept that I am in a completely abusive relationship. She was not going to put up with my inherent chumpdom and has helped me see the reality… just like Chump Nation does for us. 🙂

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

‘I could actually feel Rasputin’s intense energy leaving me….when I dialed into what was happening. It was as real as gravity.’

This is actually how I knew cheater narc ex was cheating. I’d felt it as I literally watched him get deeper and deeper into an ‘inappropriate’ relationship w/the secretary at work (they are living cliches). When I felt it a second time 6 years later, it didn’t take much checking to confirm; I think he’d been involved w/OW #2 for just a couple of weeks by then.

Then of course the ‘I was so unhappy’ sad sausage whining started. Funny, a few weeks before he’d been planning our future retirement together, spontaneously telling me he loved him (rare from him), and we were having better and very frequent sex, because he’d been treating the kids and I better. But everybody above is right; first they accept the new kibble source, THEN they fall out of love w/us.

Toddlers in grown up bodies.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Oh god, major Freudian slip!! I MEANT to type ‘spontaneously telling me he loved me’, but clearly my unconscious knows better!

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yep that’s the truth!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Here’s why Tempest is Chump Lady’s moderator! THAT is the absolute truth! My ex was acting “normal” and then Tim Whore-tons Coffee Snatch declared to Jeffrey Dahmer that she was getting divorced and then his feelings changed, AKA “I don’t love you anymore.” I doubt he’s capable of truly loving someone. He only loved the cake and the reflection of himself in my face.

Ab
Ab
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Haaa tim hortons coffee snatch…u guys are killing it today

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha, hopefully you talked to Whore-ton’s STBX…

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

No, I have not as I don’t know him and I only met Whore-ton once at a summer party. She was “in my face” all smiley. I had NO CLUE she was having secret before work coffee dates with my then husband for nine years. A year after the party, I saw her email to my husband. She said something like, “I didn’t get a chance to talk with you at the party……..” Yeah, “…….” My ex purposely didn’t talk with her even though they had secret coffee dates before work and were close friends. Anyway, they have been divorced for almost two years. Divorce was final early October 2015 and my ex wasted no time turning the morning coffee dates into an intimate drinks date until almost 1:30am. I caught him out with her October 7, 2015. He’s a fast predator! She wanted him? She can have him! He deserves someone like her and she deserves someone like him. I hope they are “happy.”

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Sorry, wrong date. October 7, 2014. About six weeks after we “celebrated” our 20th wedding anniversary. Also about six weeks after we purchased four round-trip tickets to take the family on our “dream” vacation to Alaska. And six months after we my husband and I went to Sandals for the first (and only) time to celebrate our 20th. We had a wonderful time. So “in love.” While we were there and said we should book another Sandals trip for the following year. We came home and kept talking about how we should go again the following year. And then eight months later he no longer loves me and “hasn’t been happy in ten years but just didn’t know it.” And my mind and memories shouldn’t be all fucked up after remembering what my life and our marriage was like?! Karma bus……

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Barf…

Brightness
Brightness
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
“they don’t have affairs because they fall out of love, they “fall out of love” once they have an affair.”

Absolute truth! Thank you for stating it so clearly. They create the situation that results in their changed feelings…and then blame the chump for it.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes Tempest, because they never loved you in the first place!!!

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

^^^^^THIS^^^^^ Alert-Alert-Alert!!!All newbies reading today….read this, memorize this, live this piece of truth.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago

This is SOOOOOOOO fucking true..beautifully stated. I realized it was AFTER she was fucking her new Mr Wonderful she laid that line on me that she didn’t love me anymore and the classic “it never did feel right”…after 24 years. Fuck her and all cheaters the more I read the more I just can’t take them.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

I got the blame shifting version, “You never loved me” huh?
Thanks for letting me know, I’d been under the assumption I did. Silly me.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Example number infinity that everything out of a cheater’s mouth is a lie.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

When the “marital problems drove me to it” didn’t fly with DD #2, he tried, “I had an affair because I thought your mother didn’t love me anymore.” That didn’t work either. Even a 13-year old (at the time) saw through that bullshite.

Anewwoman
Anewwoman
7 years ago

Did he say that he lied to “protect you from further pain”? “Never meant to hurt you”? “It just happened”? “The heart wants what the heart wants”? Do they not realize they are walking cliches? (Ans: they do not.)

You are a superhero and your son will know it. Your ex is a slimy little insect.

As far as how long it will last, I have no scientific evidence but I wonder if they stick together to prove to everyone that it’s “true love” and was “meant to be” despite whatever misery they may feel from having chosen a cheater as a partner.

Not your circus and no longer your monkeys.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago

Hey English, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Awful. My ex also started his affair when our baby was just 6 weeks old (if not before that), and I only found out when my baby was only 7 months old. It’s disgusting.

This isn’t legal advice, but I just wanted to say, there are no hard and fast rules about child contact. Obviously, you cannot ‘frustrate’ contact between your ex and your son, but nor is there a standard way of child contact, particularly as your son is so young. Overnights are not a given, at his age, nor is you having to be turfed out of your house while he stays. Protect your son’s best interests, and yours also. It’s great that you are supporting contact between father and son, but don’t bend over backwards and put yourself out for it to happen the way your ex wants it to happen.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

Many jurisdictions don’t expect infants to spend nights away from mom until they’re at least 2 years old. (Even easier to justify if you’re breastfeeding, so if you are, don’t stop!). Let him TAKE the baby occasionally for visitation for a day (or far less if you’re breastfeeding, even a half day only) – to HIS place, where he’ll need a crib, a high chair, boxes of diapers and wipes, etc. That’s what PARENTS do.

Indomitable
Indomitable
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Like Karen E says – you betcha he’ll need diapers etc. and don’t forget the top of the line child car seat and stroller $$$. Insist that your child be transported in the safest equipment.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

Good points, I bet it’s handy to turf you out of your house and use the nappies, formula etc. YOU have bought. He doesn’t need to plan or get organised. Lazy cheating bastard.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

My X always wanted to take one of my dogs with him when he went away. I would never let him. He would practically beg (I have no idea why) and I would literally laugh in his face.

I did not trust my dogs in his care. He was too casual, too reckless, too laid back about hydration, snacks, loud radio in their ears, leash use, climate control, he drove too fast.

But I trusted my heart, my life, my health to this person?

I was a colossal fool not to see it.

That is an exquisite hell- to have to let your baby around someone who is ruthless and evil.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

Liars lie and cheaters cheat. The truth will most likely trickle out over time as people begin to share pieces of the puzzle and you put them together. That is not any fun. But what you can know for sure (and you know this because you have been stressed and scared many times during this relationship and you never bones anyone else as a coping mechanism, right?) is that he is immature and seriously lacks moral compass, and those are traits that would cause you to refuse to employ any babysitter. Father is not equal to good father. The less influence he has over children in life, the better.

Sending strength.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree, “Liars lie and cheaters cheat. The truth will most likely trickle out over time as people begin to share pieces of the puzzle and you put them together. That is not any fun.” **THIS** I once told a cheater… it’s a culmination of many pieces of a puzzle that slowly start to fit together into one GIANT FUCKED UP PICTURE. That’s how cheaters sometimes get caught! Can’t lie and pretend forever…

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

Yes. It’s been going on for longer than he admits.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Agreed. Rememberty that he seems to only confess when caught.

Also, one could try compare notes with that woman’s husband for a timeline if one feels such info would help in the healing and grieving.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

Yes, this is how I found out that things started long before my ex admitted, even after his “come to Jesus” tell-all. He still lied even when I offered him what was essentially immunity. They lie because they can.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Yes asswipe lied and continued to lie when it longer mattered or was too his advantage. They lie cause thats who they are.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Maybe the lying comes under “you’re not the boss of me “.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kay

Agree.

Notnewandshiny
Notnewandshiny
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

“you’re not the boss of me!” Oh my gosh. Stbx would say that when I’d say, “come sit down for dinner.” And I’d be like – huh? Just come eat! But he felt free to ‘boss’.
Yes – lying and withholding information. Because it’s all about control. And they cannot even perceive that they are being told what to do. Lying comes naturally to them. Stbx has been spinning some doozies to our daughter. I asked my daughter if her dad’s gf (that he left and moved in with in with in the xpensive house) helped her with homework. Gf takes her for hair and nails and short shorts….but does she help with homework. Dad doesn’t help and she has an F in science homework to prove it. And I got the nastiest look and how dare I talk about OW. As mom – doing all the home stuff..I don’t go out. I’m at home maintaining house and dogs and everything he bailed on. I chase after my kid and her Honors program she’s slacking on. But Disneyland dad and sparkly
22 yo gf are held up. I’m the. 56 y.o. Old fogey that dad’s coworker saved him from I guess. Talk about being devastated.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Notnewandshiny

Oh, Notnew.

What a rotten situation.

Poor daughter, trying to please Daddy. Imagine how she feels knowing that creeps like her own father only value sex and superficiality. No matter how smart his beautiful daughter is, he only sees T and A. His whore can’t be much older than she is. What a mind fuck.

The good news, for you, is that she treats you this way precisely because you won. She doesn’t need to “win” you or impress you because she knows you love her and want the best for her.

Give time, time. She has also been dealt a shit sandwich. She’s going to be really disgusted when she realizes just what her dad’s situation means. Being young, trying to be “friends” with the whore, she is buying into his story. It’s a story that only works with young girls.

Have you ever seen ‘Hope Floats’? It has an emotional scene of the little girl throwing herself at her asshole cheating father (who clearly wants to get away from her as fast as possible) and the mother has to just watch.

Keep believing in her, don’t give up on her, take the long view. She’s going to need a lot of support.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

Good idea, talk to the other victim

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

“My question is — do you think, from your experience of chumps, that in fact this was going on for far longer than he is admitting? I am now imagining that perhaps it could be months or even years longer than I think!!”

Naive English Chump, what happened to you is awful. And the answer to your questions, are yes, it is quite likely this was going on for a while. He said he hasn’t loved you for 2 years, so perhaps at least that long. And yet he created a child with you. Your husband is mentally off. There is no one in their right mind who would act this way and cruelly and callously abandon their wife and newborn child. It takes a certain amount of character disturbance to do what he did. It’s inhumand and unconscionable.

And I’m wondering if he’s a sociopath or psychopath. The amount of lack of empathy is just off the charts. He makes my skin crawl. I think you’re dealing with a mental deviant and it is in your best interest and of your child’s to get away from this type of psycho character. You should seriously take a look at who you’re dealing with. He’s not normal. And as others have said, to protect yourself from this psycho.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Exactly how I feel about my STBX. Once I stopped doing the pick me dance, the mask finally fell completely. Who he really is is not good and I can’t tell you how many time I have thought to myself, “There is no way you can actually think that way.” here are a few examples:

He left when I was 6 months pregnant after 20 years of marriage and 2 other kids. When my youngest was 4 months, she ran a fever and had seizures. We spent 3 days at the hospital (he never came once). After genetic testing revealed a variant, his response was “Poor girl. You can tell by looking at her something is off.” She is my earliest crawler and extremely happy and interactive. You can tell nothing is wrong with her.

When I asked how he would feel if our oldest daughter started dating a 45 year old married man who walked out on his pregnant wife and family and who fathered an out of wedlock child (this is after I found out that his current OW was a 24 year old girl who used to work for him), how would he feel? His response was, “You hope that you have raised them with good values to make the right choices when they become adults.”

After I convinced my kids that the right thing to do for Father’s Day was have dinner with their dad, he turned them down because they wanted to meet him at the restaurant (they were afraid he would surprise them with OW along again). His response was “I’m not okay with that. Sorry.” Then when he complained to my daughter about the conditions “her mother” gave him and she told them those were her brother’s conditions, he said, “It was not son’s day. It was Father’s Day.” This was after his son wouldn’t speak to him for over a month.

Mentally disordered is an understatement for this people.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

GetMeFree, your examples are from the mouth of a truly entitled and disordered person! Father’s Day plans weren’t to his liking he doesn’t see his kids?! What a prick!

My ex has said some truly bizarre stuff to my face. He sat across from me on the bed and said, “I gave up Mary for you. I gave up Sally for you. I gave up Ann for you.” Not their real names. What kind of dick tell his wife that he “gave up” women for her? And he gave them up while we were married! He totally believes he did me some big favor!

After he told me he wanted to divorce, he said, “I guess I will be delivering the Father Wound to the kids.” He said it with a big smirk on his face. The Father Wound is a emotional wound that some fathers give to their kids (we learned this from a Christian author.) He was so nonchalant, like no biggie I’m going to be devastating the kids. Life is all about him, so why would it bother him that he’d be hurting his children? He didn’t and doesn’t give a shit about what he did to me or his kids. His words, “They’ll be fine.” Asshole.

While I still lived at home with him he said right to my face, “I’ll probably be remarried in two years.” This coming from someone who repeatedly told me there was no OW. Most sane people are not thinking marriage in two years when they were supposedly in a very unhappy marriage and also they supposedly don’t have a girlfriend.

Go, Jeffrey Dahmer! Go lie and cheat on someone else. I’m sure she’ll be perfectly happy with that type of behavior as you have painted me as the wife who has “trust issues.” Jerk

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha–mine said the same, “I gave up gradwhore for you, and came back to the marriage.” My response, “I wish you would not have.” Would have saved me 8 years of unhappiness and mindfuckery, and he and narcissistic gradwhore were made for each other.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest — I agree. I wish he would have left 16 years ago when he was “friending” a ho-worker. Mind you, I thought we had a pretty great 16 years, but it was all a lie and a sham. I’d rather of been alone with my two kids than to realize he’s been fucking with me this whole time.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

“Trust he sucks” is my new motto. Every time I start to question if I played a part in this drama, I repeat that phrase. People who do this crap are not mentally right. We did not catch on because the shit that goes on in their heads is beyond what we could ever comprehend.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I just found this article. It is a perfect description of my STBX and how he made me feel. It is so hard to explain all of this to other people. It makes you feel as if you are either crazy or stupid for not seeing these things earlier. At first I thought the term psychopath was harsh, but after reading this, I realize it is spot on.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21819/6-signs-youre-arguing-with-a-psychopath.html

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

GetMeFree, I say the same thing to myself, “Trust that he sucks.” It’s such a simple yet accurate statement to remember.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

‘Not mentally right’ check! He totally admits being not mentally right. Shame I am the one who suffers most from his ‘diagnosis’. Whoops, I mean, Meh ?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I think that should be an official diagnosis: “not mentally right.”

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I hear you. He recently told me how his current girlfriend (who would have been a 21 year old college student who worked for him at the time) was the one who convinced him to leave the first OW to give me a second chance. He cheated on me but in his mind, I was the one who needed a second chance. A complete turnaround from what he told me 3 years ago when he convinced me to give HIM a second chance. What is real? Then or now?

It doesn’t matter anymore. Either way he is not a good person and I don’t want him touching my life any more than absolutely necessary with kids. There will be no “let’s be friends for the kid’s sake.”

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

“There will be no “let’s be friends for the kid’s sake.” Absolutely! I truly believe my ex thought I’d still be a chump and all would be well with us. We’d still be “friends.” We’d go out for lunch or dinner like he did with his previous chumps. Fuck that shit. We were friends. We were best of friends. Or so I thought. Now we are enemies. I was sleeping with the enemy for 20+ years, but didn’t know it.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Y’all reminded me of something I haven’t thought about since February. Match Girl in our final days repeatedly said she hadn’t been happy for the last three years. After a steady diet of Chump Nation I deduced back then (February of this year) that this was her secret cheater code for: “I cheated on you three years ago.” I went back through my calendar and saw that, yes, she had been on a business trip three years ago. I did a gut check; it checked out. I was still in written contact with her at this point, and I asked her if Match Stick was the first time she cheated on me. She replied: “Thanks for never giving a shit about me.” Cunt.

That I forgot about a critical part of my untangling and a major bit of her gas-lighting script is a huge sign of healing. And look at that, it’s Tuesday. Not even close to meh, but it’s something.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

“That I forgot about a critical part of my untangling and a major bit of her gas-lighting script is a huge sign of healing. And look at that, it’s Tuesday. Not even close to meh, but it’s something.”

Yes it is Ian!! And it is a big something. It happens in bits and peaces, and it’s moments like this that show you you’re on the right path. You are on your way to Meh! YAY!

Brightness
Brightness
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

After dday, Darkness told me he hadn’t been happy for 10 years. Since our second child was born Looking back on his behavior, yup, that’s when his behavior changed.. “Working” all the time, except the work was never done. It’s interesting to me that they do tell chumps the truth, we just need to recognize it.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Brightness

Brightness, my ex said the same thing, “I haven’t been happy in ten years but I just didn’t know it.” I purposely think this was all a lie (that he wasn’t happy) as he pointed to a evening as the start of his unhappiness starting — I supposedly (I have no memory of it) said to him, “I will never trust you.” This was said at the time that I found out that he went to Canada at least ten times and got 100% naked lap dances (and probably more!) when I was pregnant with our second child. And I also believe he started to get “unhappy” when our first child was born. He was soooooooooooo jealous of our son. So much bizarre behavior and I wasn’t the only person to notice it, so it wasn’t me imaging things. That’s when he ramped up having to work all the time. Worked seven days a week most weeks. And like you said, “working” all the time, but the work never seemed to ever be caught up. Come to find out, he’s spend a great majority of his day walking around, talking to all the ho-workers. Like you said, “It’s interesting to me that they do tell chumps the truth, we just need to recognize it.” Yep, we just failed to see the truth right in front of us.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Brightness

Isn’t welcoming a child into the world supposed to be a wonderful period in your life? I have girlfriends who are in their 40s and would love to find a man and have children, yet they live with the possibility on a daily basis that they may never have children of their own since they are single and have been for a while. Yet this Jackass is blessed with children of his own and claims he hasn’t been happy since then. People like this should be banned from having children. They are colossal assholes.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Wow, funny how you all of a sudden became the asshole in the story. Boy is she fantastic at blameshifting… in her own mind…

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

My ex mentioned it was the past 4 years…you are probably right in that this is when their affairs began in earnest. My ex also kept repeating that I was the reason for him falling out of love with me, and although he didn’t mention being unhappy at the time it was my fault for not knowing. In other words, Catch-22.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Number one predictor of a cheater: Blameshifting.

Mine pulled the same thing, Lyn. After D-day, he told me to stop obsessing about his affair and start obsessing with why he was unhappy with me at the time. Riiiiggghhhhttt. My reaction guaranteed he never explicitly said that again (though he tried various permutations of it through his naugahyde remorse phase).

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yep, the traitor admitted he was always in love with the ex, that he knew this before we moved here 8 years ago. Checked and remember that in 2009, for the first 2 school terms, he HAD to stay every Sunday night at the ex’s house “FOR THEIR SON” to adapt to going back to school Monday mornings. To ease the transition, poor boy would be too tired. So Traitor and son would leave on Sunday afternoon. son starts school at 9.00 Monday, Traitor didn’t come back until Monday afternoons, ex whore was supposed to work on Mondays but I don’t believe she always did, and perhaps never, which would explain was she was always struggling for money, didn’t even work 4 days a week.
During those days, we were still trying for a baby. I had had a uterine reconstruction 3 months before this started, and was on my 4th miscarriage with the traitor.
Duh! Of course he was cheating, “for his son”.

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

By your actions English, you’re just doing what many of us did. Hoping (even if subconsciously) to “win” them back or that they’ll change – if only you could be nicer and more accommodating to them. That doesn’t work. Never has, never will. I thought the same way, “there’s no way I could have married somebody capable of that – he’ll/she’ll snap out of it if I just show them what they have, and then they’ll come back.”

But people like your husband just don’t care. He is a taker. You are a giver. And takers will take as much as a giver is willing to give. You just need to realize that he will never change in that regard. He’ll continue to take from you and he’ll take from his girlfriend, until either (or both) of you stop giving, and then he’ll just move on to some other unfortunate soul. You’ll figure that out eventually. It may take time, but listen to the people on here, and it’ll help speed you to that realization. Then you just get up and leave.

And as to how long the affair has gone on……..I don’t know the exact formula, but it’s safe to say you can take the number of months/years of the A that you’re aware of plus the number of APs (add 1 or 10 to the number that you know), divide that by the number of secret messenger apps on his/her cell phone, add in the number of nights they had to “stay late” at work, and then multiply that by the number of gym memberships they have. Pi might be involved as well. If that doesn’t work, call Stephen Hawking.

As to how many shits you should give in the end, that answer is zero.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

That’s funny stuff, Blindside. Also love the pi pie, Ian.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Omg! That is hilarious! I was actually trying to do the math until I realized it was a joke!?

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago

Hehe, me too!

ChumpChanged
ChumpChanged
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

+100 Blindside! That math cracked me up. Deadfool’s main OW (who didn’t know about me at first, but sure knew about me when she was sending him masturbation videos) told him he should get a secret texting app or delete stuff so I wouldn’t see it. As if that magically makes it not a vicious and horrible thing to do! It’s the tech-savvy equivalent of “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChanged

CC, I am old so that is why I am asking you this question in all honesty because it is like I have lived under a rock and the world has passed me by. Was the OW masturbating in the videos or did she send nude photos for the deviant to masturbate to? Sorry, but the longer I live the more I am glad I am old, truly. Oh for the good old days when if a young man took a shine to us, he would ask us out on a date to the movies or a dance. No dick pics back in the dark ages.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

LOL Blindside! I love your math formula! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I do love this too Blindside. Ha!! I laughed.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Nice! Perfect for a Math Department Christmas Party!!

buddy
buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

This is a good one for on-the-fence chumps to copy and paste to their journal:

“But people like your husband just don’t care. He is a taker. You are a giver. And takers will take as much as a giver is willing to give. You just need to realize that he will never change in that regard. He’ll continue to take from you and he’ll take from his girlfriend, until either (or both) of you stop giving, and then he’ll just move on to some other unfortunate soul. You’ll figure that out eventually. It may take time, but listen to the people on here, and it’ll help speed you to that realization. Then you just get up and leave.”

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Blind, hahahahahaha, love the Pi reference! I also have a degree in accounting…….never took that class, damnit! Hahahahahaha!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Love your math! I will have to memorize that formula for the future.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago

Sounds like him and your friend are playing happy family with your son while you are camped out with your parents. It has probably been going on longer than you think. The imaginary girlfriend is proof. He left the party to go have drinks with your friend? He is not going to admit to more than you know. X’s, I slept with her 3 times, turned out to be a 5+ year affair. With our best friends wife. And btw it doesn’t matter how long it has been going on. Even one time is unforgivable. Follow CL’s advice. It’s the best you will find.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

The amount of restraint it must have taken when faced with the AP must have been absolutely INCREDIBLE! I’ve wanted to physically harm 2 AP’s in the past, plus the cheaters (plural for me) Yay me! That’s why so many of us wait at that Karma bus stop. That disgust runs so deep and far and wide… Like Kellia said, and Meghan Trainor said it too, “If your lips are moving then you lie, lie, lie!”

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

“X’s, I slept with her 3 times, turned out to be a 5+ year affair.”

Yes, these cheaters always minimize their numbers and time frame. I wouldn’t believe a thing they said.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Hell yeah, Kellia! The night I found out I asked, ‘how many times?’ (did you sleep with my ‘friend’.) He thought briefly and head in hands said, ‘3 or 4.’ I immediately multiplied by ‘at least’ 10. Even in complete shock I clicked immediately and suddenly knew he was a lying fuck.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
7 years ago

N.E.C. – That “two years” time frame is very telling. I would bet he started banging your friend two years prior to DDay. There is always a smidgen of truth in their lies if you just dig hard enough. It’s completely disgusting what a low-life this pig is and your “friend” sounds perfectly suited for him.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong for your little man and follow CL’s advice.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Oh, well, if she has a phenomenal figure, then by all means, carry on.

Here’s a picture of your baby daddy right now.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Here’s how he’s gonna feel after you serve him divorce papers.

Here’s what that sorry son of a bitch is gonna look like after we put him in the Adultery Games arena and loose the tracker jackers on his cheating ass.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I know you’ve been posting again for several weeks, but I think we can now say, “Ian is baaaaccck!”

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

You upped my game with your “tracker jacker” suggestion.

Cheaters ain’t got a chance against all the funny brilliant chumps here in Chump Nation.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Can I get some Tracker Jackets after the STBX in my life? Pretty pleeeeese???

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Oh my gosh, Ian!!! LOL! I love “Adultery Games” arena! Yes!! Someone needs to make a show like this. I’m sure it would be very popular!d

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

You are the cat’s pajama’s with your memes and graphics.

hop skip and chump
hop skip and chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Needed these laugh out loud moments – thanks, Ian!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hysterical Ian, I just about lost my shit! funny as heck!

Kay
Kay
7 years ago

I love it Ian!!! How I have missed the memes❤️❤️❤️?

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

English,a huge mistake I made with loser ex was to try to make things easy for him. It got to the point where he was doing nothing for our daughter while I was doing everything. The more I did, the more I did. The more I did, the less he did.He got to the point the only thing he did what help get her up in the morning. I took her to daycare, I worked all day. I picked her up from daycare, I watched her until he decided to go stroll in late at night about time for her to go to sleep. This gave him plenty of extra time to call, text, visit, and fuck some whore.

He is not doing you any favors by taking care of his own child. He is not babysitting, it’s called being a parent. His share should be no less than 50% in a normal relationship. Best of luck to you dealing with this fucktard.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

“The more I did, the more I did. The more I did, the less he did. Yes, exactly! By the time our marriage was done, my exes one and only job was to vacuum the stairs. And he did that about once a month. It was his one and only fucking job! He never once cleaned the basement. I did that once a year. He never once cleaned the garage. I did that twice a year. I did most of the gardening (son did the grass cutting.) I could go on and on. He always wanted the house all lit up with Christmas lights. That was never important to me, because……..I was tired and didn’t need more shit to do. Do you think he ever went out and lit up the house like his big dream? He put lights on the bushes of our first and smaller house. Never did it at the new house even though he talked about how much he liked lights outside. I’m pretty shocked at myself that I didn’t take the bait and do that, too!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Brilliant!

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Unfortunately +1 for me too, Anita. And do they ever say thank you? Of course not. They just bitch more.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Doesn’t matter how long it has gone one. What matter now is that you know he is an ass, a man with shitty character and no morals. I divorced Narkles the Clown after D-day number one. It was months before I realized there were several other whores over several years, some living around the corner from me. It doesn’t matter how many there were, what matters is there are not going to be any more. I suggest you take Chumplady’s advice and hire a damned good lawyer who will advocate and fight for you and your child!

Being a single mom is hard but very worth it. You model good strong behavior, you stay sane and you stop bending to the will of the fuckwit. Yes, this person will be in your life for awhile as a father, but probably not a father figure. There is a difference. It will take some time but your son will realize there is a difference. He will know who he can turn to and who has his back. The best thing you can do right now is begin the process of having his back. Be the sane parent and find a hard charging attorney who will help you make your son’s life the best it can be…..with as little exposure to fuckwits as possible.

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

“It doesn’t matter how many there were, what matters is there is not going to be anymore”
THIS.
My mind is no longer consumed with worry over his cheating ways. That I NEVER have to worry about that again is worth the pain.
Also, when the cheater realizes (they simply cannot believe you are actually done with them) the jig is up, it is fascinating to observe the fallout as a result.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

Yes, Ex-orcist! It’s pure heaven no having to deal with a cheater. And all the stupid lies he told! It’s so wonderful not having that in my life anymore. Man, he made me feel crazy at times. The lies. The twisting of the truth. Making shit stories up to make himself sound like “the great guy, husband and father!!” Lying by omission. And on and on and on. Even though I’m not at meh, it has been worth the pain in order to get that level of insanity out of my life. Gosh, I hope I never meet someone like him again. So fucking fake!

Sketchyokgirl
Sketchyokgirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, it is Martha. It is so very nice to know that I am no longer being gaslit and can believe every word that comes out of MY mouth.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Sketchyokgirl

Yep! 🙂

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Chump Nation, we need to warn her about hoovering!
She is a primo candidate for “honey, I made the biggest mistake of my life. It was all the stress with the baby, I just lost my mind. But I love you and our little family. Let’s start over…”

That could very well be coming, especially if Naïve starts enforcing her boundaries.
THAT is the thing I wish I had been warned about.

Please, CN, do your thing!

English chump
English chump
7 years ago

Hi, this happened to me and I am back with him with a six month old and a 2 year old. I have bought his lines and now I will probably stick with it because I do not want the heartache and I struggle with the two kids by myself but to be honest I think it would have been better had he just gone.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  English chump

English, my heart goes out to you. I’m about four and a half months from D-day, the agony of crippling, and I remember the “worth it but unceasing stress” of young children. You must be so tired. These good people can and will help. AND…

… listen to yourself… It’s actually there… in your very own words.

“[T]o be honest I think it would have been better had he just gone.”

Sounds like maybe you need to start with one thing. I don’t think I’ve seen you before — but I haven’t been here long. Either way, COME BACK. And look at the private forums. It’s a simple registration, and then you can start a thread. Or read threads that might help. Sending hugs.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  English chump

English Chump,

Please listen to us. Everyone is speaking the truth. My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second child (was cold, mean and dismissive for over a year.) Our son was less than a year old when he started up with a ho-worker. These men do not change! They just don’t! My ex lied to me before we even got engaged. He was writing Love Letters to someone in the military. It’s a long story as to how I found out, but he just said they were “just friends.” There were lots and lots of “just friends” over the years. I finally caught him with hard evidence and then the mask fell when I started telling my story to my family and friends. When I was pregnant with our second child, he nonchalantly said to me, “You and the kids will be fine financially without me.” He didn’t say he wanted a divorce, but that’s what he meant. I was DEVASTATED and so afraid! I cried every single day during my pregnancy. I cried and was depressed after my daughter was born. I was in a total fog. I couldn’t believe our “happy family” turned unhappy pretty much over night. To this day, I really wish I would have just left him. I was just so afraid. So afraid to be a single mom. So afraid as I was a SAHM at the time. Everything that ICanSeeTheMehComing is 100% true! For years I couldn’t figure out why I felt so bad about myself. Now I know why! And he will for sure discard you some day and you won’t see it coming. I regret not leaving him when I was young. I could have left with the kids that he didn’t want or care about and move back home to WI. His actions proved he didn’t give a shit about me or his two beautiful kids. I could have had a totally 100% life without him, but now I gotta deal with this asshole for a few more years and of course there are the weddings and such that will come up some day. English Chump, you deserve better. Believe it!

Brightness
Brightness
7 years ago
Reply to  English chump

English Chump,
I was you, 9 years ago. I didn’t know he was cheating, but I did know something was terribly wrong. I asked for truth, he lied and I trusted him. Eight years later he left me for the OW. And my life has been shattered. It’s not if, but when. 9 years ago I was healthier mentally and physically. I was young (compared to now). Those 9 years progressively worsened until I didn’t recognize myself. It was a slow deterioration of my boundaries and my worth and my health. If not now for you, at least set some boundaries for your quality of life. If those boundaries start to all get broken then recognize the downward spiral. And be aware that the farther down you go, the much, much more difficult task it is to climb back up.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  English chump

Then you have just signed on for a lifetime of abuse from him… and you are choosing to raise your children in an environment where it is OK with mum if dad f*cks around.

Please English – love yourself and your children more than this. It is a struggle. Every single day as a single parent with a dimwit narcissist X is a struggle. But – as CL says… it is FINITE… you raise your kids well and they move on and so do you.

From someone who has been in your shoes… choosing to stay means you have this to look forward to:

1. Revolving door where he comes and goes and f*cks who he pleases
2. Regular STD check ups for you
3. Increased paranoia over where he is and who he is with
4. Sleep deprivation – which can make for an angry or lethargic mom to those kids
5. Weight loss/weight gain – take your coping pick
6. Loss of self-esteem and self-value
7. Financially beholden to the Devil himself
8. Come to the end of our life realizing you lived in a prison
9. Sooner or later he will walk away for good from you… and you won’t get to choose how it happens.

At a minimum… read up on Narcissism and start documenting everything he does and start your own bank account with savings.

Don’t be a victim. Don’t choose that little for yourself and your kids.

Sunshine
Sunshine
7 years ago

Yes, this!!! Naive please get familiar with the hoovering tactic that people like your husband use. I was susceptible to it for years. Looking back I see how I could have been an even better parent if I wasn’t playing his game. I would’ve kept my boundaries and stayed in alignment with my own values. I would’ve reached meh much sooner.

I still don’t understand why they do this. If “there are other lives to live;” “you love me but you’re not in love with me;” and “everyone has a right to be happy” then just go do that and leave me the hell alone! But I know now that they do do it. And I can recognize the hoovering and shut it down immediately. You’ll learn too.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Sunshine

Strange, isn’t it, Sunshine… How they could waste their time and yours. I guess they don’t see it as a waste as they are simply existing as sub-humans and not emotional, caring human beings…

Let go
Let go
7 years ago

You can put lipstick on a pig but it is still a pig. What you have there is a pig.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago

Oh English, big hugs to you. It probably won’t help, but I’m in your same boat. Same long term affair with a “best friend and friend of the family”, he swore it was just the six years (from when my youngest son was still a baby to shortly after my “whoopsie baby” turned one), he hadn’t loved me for years, it was true love with he and the psychotic OW, it was just between he and I and didn’t impact the kids “unless you let it impact the kids”, he left without a fight, regrets or asking for a second chance and moved right in with OW and her kids the same day he left our family home, leaving me with an infant, two Autistic sons, and all four children and myself absolutely stunned and in shock over what had transpired from finding out about the affair two weeks prior to my standing in my kitchen, holding my baby girl and crying over what was actually happening.

Here’s the deal. Sociopaths like our exes (and the APs they go off with) do a lot of mutual grooming. Oh, you don’t want to stay up and have drinks/party? Of course you don’t because you have to get up early to take care of the kids. OW knew nothing of being an engaged and involved mom because she was always at my house. So you just go get some sleep, honey. You need it. Well you just go to bed and I’ll be up in a while after OW and I hang out for a little longer. Oh, AP’s just going through some really difficult issues and needs someone to talk to, just like anyone else would. I mean you would, too, wouldn’t you? Oh, she’s just going to stay for a couple weeks until she gets her head together.

And all of it started when ex’s AP engineered her own escape from her husband and my ex was “just being a supportive friend.” It hurts to peel back the layers and really look closely, but there are probably signs and flags going farther back than you want to believe. And any man who can do this while his wife is carrying their child? Who can walk out on a baby? Fuck him. Fuck them both. She was just as complicit and waited for him with open arms because they knew your goodness would compell you to let him go in the end, and they’d get what they think they want.

And it hurts. Fuck, does it hurt. Ex refused to give up parental rights because “they’re my kids, too, despite what you may be saying to them” and he refused to take them until the court forced him to do so, and told him he needed to get his own place so they could have overnights in a safe environment since OW has a history with Child Protective Services as long as my arm. And he and OW now are on a campaign to show my children what a normal, healthy and loving couple they are by OW’s constantly being there pretty much the entirety when my younger two go visit their dad for his overnight. She even sleeps at his place despite having her own to go home to and her own neglected kids there as well. And nothing we can do or say will change their entitled, fucked up sense of how great their love is or what a caring and wonderful dad they are.

All you can do is love your son. I’ve lost my b/g twins to their dad and haven’t seen my older daughter in almost five months, and she’s under the Svengali-like spell of her father like I was so there’s nothing I can do but love the children I still have and who still live here. It was exhausting caring for a baby by myself, never mind two cranky teen agers and a confused little nine year old, but I tried to use the alchemy of the shit situation and turn despair over my life into love and warmth for my kids. The more lost I felt, the tighter I held my little girl. The more alone I felt, the more movie nights I had with the kids or the more elaborate dinner was for a while.

Eventually it does get a little better. But you need to not expect your sperm donor to be a decent parent. He will put on The Great and Spectacular Dad of the Year Show, especially if anyone’s looking, but you know in your heart what he’s really like and what he’s capable of, and as for OW, she will likely try to fill in and take your place while with your child. Another bitter pill to swallow. But they don’t get to see how our kids light up when they come back HOME into the arms of their caring, loving and sane parent. That’s a gift we alone will receive. They can be right there watching it all, but they will never feel it or understand it because they can’t understand or feel love. Genuine love.

Now, my tiny little infant who was like the embodiment of my heartbreak for months… How could he insist we keep this baby when I was on the fence while fucking the OW behind my back (while OW was fucking someone behind his back–you haven’t lived until you get to think about all the risk they put you at while a little life is dependent on your health–it’s so exciting), and then walk out on her anyway? My little girl is in her crib singing to the sunshine and the birds, waiting patiently and happily for me to come scoop her up, give her breakfast, and cuddle until it’s time for her to go to preschool. And who gets to take the credit for these amazing little people? We do, because we aren’t cheating, lying, deceitful and shallow pieces of shit not worthy of the title of parent.

Big hugs to you, English, a stiff drink when you need it and if we could have play dates, I’d be there for you. Please hang in there and post when you need to. Hold that little man in your arms, walk away and try not to look back. I’m off to go get my daughter, who will hopefully learn from her mother’s mistake and never find herself in my shoes. And who knows I’ll be there for her when she’s old enough to understand just what sort of evil lurks in her gene pool. I tell her all the time I will keep her safe and keep the monsters away, and while I can’t keep all of them away, I will be here to hold her when she figures out, just like I did, that sometimes the monsters are closest to you because they’re also the most charming creatures on earth.

But for now, it’s cereal, kisses, cartoons and cuddles, and one day at a time. And that’s all we can do, especially when we need to be there for little ones. You can do this, your son will know in his heart who his actual parent is and I promise your relationship with him will be all the stronger for it.

{{{English and Baby English}}}

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

My heart goes out to you for what you’ve been through, Cakeless. You are an amazing person!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Indeed, Cakeless is mighty. And has a big loving mama bear heart.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I second that and third that and fourth that!!!

Kay
Kay
7 years ago

Me too cakeless!!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Kay

+ 1.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago

Louisvilleflower, great point! The hoovering! I see it in skankboy and shut that crap right down. I, too, ask CN to warn her!!! I call on the more experienced chumps in this to help educate her.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

English – It has been going on for longer than you think… and she isn’t the first “one”. If you were that lucky, you’d win the lottery too.

Protect yourself and your baby – think of the airplane safety analogy – put on your oxygen mask first and then take care of your son. He needs a strong Mom – and you’re it.

See a lawyer straight away. Best first step – get informed. Best second step – DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Stop having any phone conversations – only use Email and Text where you can keep copies.

And, focus on this time for you and the baby… these should be joyous months of you bonding. Don’t let this fucktard sperm donor take that away from you.

And lastly, DO NOT FOCUS ON THEM. It’s like trying to catch a fish with a bicycle.

Your liberation and your new life has begun – what until you see how strong and capable and deserving of so much more you really are. We’re with you English.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

“It has been going on for longer than you think… and she isn’t the first “one”. If you were that lucky, you’d win the lottery too.” **YUP!** you’ll never know the full extent, English.

Mary
Mary
7 years ago

Dear Chump Lady and fellow Chumps,
Thanks for the advice and the solidarity.
You’re not the only ones to tell me that:
– my ex is a sociopath with no moral compass;
– he’s not a good dad just because he visits our son (he LEFT our son);
– I need to stop bending over backwards to accommodate his needs in terms of his contact arrangements with our son (if he’s going to flake there’s nothing I can do to stop that in the end);
– even if he did flake, would that be the worst thing in the world bearing in mind the type of person he has turned out to be (do I really want him influencing my son??);
– WTF does it matter how long it’s been going on? He is a lying, weak, selfish man and I’m better off without him.
CL you will be pleased to hear that I have told me ex that I am no longer moving out on a Fridays – he is a 34 year old man/father and needs to sort out his own arrangements NOW.
I have also decided to file for divorce based on adultery with Basket Boobs. Going to get the best financial settlement I can and make sure we enshrine acceptable contact arrangements for our son.
As a side note, I kissed a funny, attractive, lovely man this weekend and though it’s not going anywhere (he’s the friend of a friend who lives in another country), it made me feel alive.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need a man to feel happy. My son and wonderful family and friends do that. It’s just nice to be reminded that the world is a big place and there are loads of brilliant people in it. They’re not all sociopaths!
But for now I’m concentrating on me and my son. And on cutting the cancer of lies out of my life. One step at a time.
Thanks so much for all the advice and support. It means a lot.
Sending much love to all the Chumps and Former Chumps out there.
NEB xx

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Mary

So proud of you, Mary/English! All chumps hearts rise when we hear a fellow chump being mighty!!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Mary

applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause!!!!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Mary

OK. How mighty is this post? How mighty are you, English/Mary. You figured all that out before I had time to comment.

Now, change the locks. Change the passwords on all of your accounts. Make sure you have all financial, tax, and legal documents copied and locked in a safe place.

Here’s a thought. Spending Fridays with your son might have been convenient if his MOW also has children to visit. If he has to take your son to his new apartment, that should be…inconvenient.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

Also, don’t be surprised if Father of the Year tells you he wants 50/50 custody. These fycktards all do that, it is an attempt to avoid child support. If you fall for that you will end up getting no money, and probably having your child all the time as well. Plus, if he has 50/50 custody, he will do what most of these guys do: he will leave your child with the whore while he is out fucking yet another whore. I’ve seen this happen so many times.

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Or their mothers

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Hi Anita, I originally did 50/50 custody and even though I got residential custody, I still have to her pay child support for my 3 kids. I’m in Illinois so its probably mandated depending on which state you live in. But I agree with you, a fucktard is a fucktard is a fucktard is a fucktard.

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
7 years ago

My soon to be exhusband cheated on either before or during each of my pregnancies. He left after my miscarriage and later blamed me for that loss. He even went so far as to lie about using birth control. He agreed to use condoms — I can’t take hormonal pills but then he initiated sex in the middle of the night and didn’t stop as I told him he needed to use a condom. I had just recovered from said miscarriage. As you can guess it, I became pregnant again against my wishes. Then when I told him I was pregnant he moved into a hotel and that was “the beginning of the end.” Now I’m raising three kids (3, 2 & 1) by myself.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

Yes, what is it about the narc that when we have a surgery and are told not to have sex, it is expected? Another thing, finding lots of viagra I. His top drawer and a bow tie and cummerbund that actually said “cheater” on it. I packed that shit up with all his Bible and religious books. Get the hell out and don’t come back.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

^^Lol^^. I put Dr. Crazy’s cialis, vials of magic erection serum and tiny syringes in a gallon ziplock bag along with the prayer books acquired during his newfound spirituality. Labelled it all “For Illness” and gave it to his assistant.

Snoopy1
Snoopy1
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

hahaha love it! you are mighty 🙂

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

How about that Viagra and some ancient Chinese F-ck potion they speak of! Can’t let anything get in the way of getting strange!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

A cheater costume? Really? Complete kit- comes with Viagra!
Who are these nuts? They have no shame, not even trying to be human.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

In his top drawer

Indomitable
Indomitable
7 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

AlohaFreedom – There should be public service warnings about jerks like your ex-husband. To be sure, he is out there trolling around spreading his sperm on more unwitting victims. I weep for all these children.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

“There should be public service warnings about jerks like your ex-husband.” Agree 100%! Sometimes I wonder about public education. Yes, I agree that math, history, English, etc are all important subjects to learn. But we learn nothing about people like this! I came from a pretty dysfunctional home, so I was the perfect target for my narc. But no where in my life did I ever learn about what a healthy and toxic relationship were. I just needed to figure it out on my own — trial and error?

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
7 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

He even offered recently to get a vasectomy… so I guess he can have unprotected sex with these OWs without the risk of responsibility? What about HIV or STDs?! I’m told the newest OW had tubal sterilization so they can have all of there fun sans any protection. Disgusting

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
7 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

* their fun…

also can I add that he continues to kiss the kids on the mouth ? ….. Like a peck kiss goodbye but ew…Is there an real risk to the kids?

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago

EnglishChump, phenomenal figure?

Your phenomenal figure made children.

Hers is just a cum receptacle. That’s not phenomenal. She’s like a crusty old sock used to jerk off.

Trust that they both truly suck.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

“Crusty old sock to jerk off.” Wow. What a visual! Didn’t even know that was something they did their did into. Jeffrey Dahmer was neat and tidy. He used tissue. In his at home office/Internet porn chamber.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Couldn’t have said that better

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

*Clapping and wolf whistling.
? Da Bomb, Roaring.

yo
yo
7 years ago

As usual CL is right. It doesnt matter how long the affair has been going on. Its understandable to want answers. When we are betrayed, we want to know details so we can try to make sense of this overwhelming situation. We want to know what we could have done differently…and the answer is nothing. He is being a whore because thats who he is. Your so-called friend did you a favor. She will eventually discover what lies behind his mask. Better to find out now than ten years and three kids later.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Asswipe ruined his relationships with our grown children girl barely talks to him and the boys only for money or favors. Up to their sperm donor to fix it not me. Visits the baby in your house and you leave?! You know the whore is there with him. Lawyer up! You shouldnt have to leave your home for that. Screw him let him pay the consequences. Any man who abandons their wife and infant for some skank is not a man at all.

Vivien
Vivien
7 years ago

Cheaters like to rewrite the history of their previous marriage. “Hey there’s a sparkly new one. I want her. Yeah, I never loved my old wife. No, we never got along.” It’s a hormonal thing – the rush of a new relationship causes any old relationships in our lives to be erased if they happen to conflict with the new one. There’s actually research now showing that during the rush of a new relationship many neural connections get removed all over the brain. Take heart in the fact that he will do this again and again. It’s him, not you.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Vivien

“Cheaters like to rewrite history….” Amen! To this day, I can’t believe some of the things he has said to my face (rewriting of history) and I’m sure he’s telling lots and lots of lies to his ho-workers, “friends” and his family. For years and years, he said to me, “Martha, thank you so much for taking such good care of me.” And to the kids in front of me, “Mom takes such good care of us.” One time he said, “You notice the small things. Thanks for refilling the lotion in the lotion bottle.” I took such great care of him and my kids, so when he said to my face, “You never took good care of me.” it just didn’t add up from what I heard from him and what I knew in my heart that I did for over 20 years. That is rewriting of history!

Vivien
Vivien
7 years ago
Reply to  Vivien

My point is that once you choose to pursue a new relationship (emphasis on choice) the hormones that then kick in during the ‘new relationship high’ are also known to delete neural connections. Once the cheater gives in to this hormonal high, they can edit their memory of previous relationships, rewrite their goals, morals, and anything else that stands in the way of them running after the new person. The same hormones kick in with a new baby, incidentally. Nobody is slave to hormones, but people stupid enough to have affairs end up saying things like “I never loved my previous spouse. This sparkly new one is the one for me. They are my soul mate.” and the rest of that blather that we’ve all heard before.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Vivien

I will also add that I have done a little bit of study about the brain. No, I’m not Stephen Hawking!! lol 🙂 I read a book a few years back (yep, I’m a chump who was always trying to “fix” herself as I was the one with the “problem.” Little did I know that the “problem” was sleeping next to me!) I read a Christian book a few years back “Who Switched Off My Brain?” The author is a brain scientist and doctor. She was the first person who taught me about Neuroplasticity: “The brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.” I understand what Vivien to trying to state. Yes, it’s all about character. That is 100% true! My exes character is 100% crappy when it comes to fidelity and honesty. His character is 100% pretty good in other areas of his life. But when you see your spouse go from “I love you so much!” to cold, calculating and distant in the blink of an eye, there is something definitely going on in the brain. I truly believe he believes all the shit he has peddled. He truly believes his own lies.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Vivien

I agree 100%!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Vivien

Spot on Vivien!!.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“Hormones don’t make you seek out a new relationship when you’re in an “old” relationship — character does. I’m sure it is a high. Maintaining that high though? Takes a huge lack of empathy and respect for the person you’re chumping”.

Yes, our relationship was ancient but I do realise now he left not because I got old but because he got old and he wanted to see what he had missed out on. True lack of character for sure. I was the rock/foundation of our life together and now he has built on week and shifting sands with a 24 year old. Quick sand I hope !!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

I read in my ex’s journal something like “my wife is old and has been around a long time,” although that’s not verbatim (hard to read through the tears). Basically I think a lot of these people are just bored with their lives and want to try something different. In fact my ex said almost those exact words, “I just saw something different.” I’m sure he did, because he was always looking.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn, new kibbles are the best kibbles.