Did Your Cheater Reject The Kids?
It’s bad enough when a cheater rejects you, but when they reject the kids it feels worse. You’re left sane parenting, trying to make up the deficit.
The Friday Challenge topic is when FWs reject their children.
It’s often not outright abandonment, at least at first. They’re just very, very busy. Taking Schmoopie on holidays. Moving across country. Creating new and improved children.
Hey, they’d love to pay the child support, it’s just inconvenient this month. You can cover it. Right, Chump-o?
Navigating your own heartbreak is hard enough, but it’s Herculean to navigate your children’s. How are you mighty parents doing out there? How are the kids doing?
TGIF. And ((hugs)) to all you sane, show up people.
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I’m not quite sure that “reject” is quite the word that I’d choose, but it’s close.
Firstly, Ex-Mrs LFTT never really forgave the children (then 11, 16 and 18) for working out that she was cheating (her iPhone was synched to an iPad the youngest used, so her texts to her AP and enabling friends were being read in near real time) and then telling me about it. That really damaged their relationship with her, particularly for the eldest. In Ex-Mrs LFTT’s worldview, the kids should have just ignored what they were seeing, as their mother should never questioned about or held accountable for her (unilateral) choices and actions. It was quite obvious that she was never going to try and “make good” the damage that she’d caused by putting them in such a difficult position.
Secondly, in exercising her “inalienable right to happiness,” Ex-Mrs LFTT consistently put her needs (physical, financial and emotional) ahead of those of the kids. By her choice, she moved into a small flat with insufficient room for all 3 of them to stay at the same time, and seldom made herself available to them. They very quickly noticed that their mother was always “too busy” to make time for them, and that anything that they did together was very much on her terms and not theirs. Let’s just say that the fact that she always made sure that they were with me for Christmas/New Year so that she could be away with her partner (the AP) didn’t go unobserved!
So I’d say that the Ex-Mrs LFTT didn’t so much “reject” our children as shed them just as she shed me and our life together as she moved on into her fantastic new life with her AP …. a little like a snake periodically sheds its whole skin and not just part of it.
LFTT
Yup, shed like a snake is the way to describe it. Not only the kids but the grandkids. It’s like none of us exist but have been replaced. After a few years of abandonment, one child received a long text from him on their 40th birthday (which was never responded to) but that’s the only communication since he cheated and ran away. It’s tragic and disgusting at the same time.
Yes, that terminology was true in my case, too. My ex shed us and moved onto life and narrative of his own making. My therapist urged me to let it go and to let him recraft his life. She said that was best for us.
Our kids were older, but it was still hard on them. Separation #2 was after the youngest graduated early from high school. That kid was eligible for visitation, but he never pursued it. The attorney I consulted said we could stall and refuse until they turned 18. I don’t know that the thought ever crossed my then-husband’s mind. My ex reportedly lived in hotels for five months, which would not be an acceptable arrangement for visitation anyway. Their dad was largely silent that first year.
I discussed all the feelings and thoughts related to abandonment with my therapist, because I was feeling it too (of course). I was also trying to figure out how to talk to our kids.
Gradually, the college kids settled and found their way. Other than sending cards with checks periodically, he was completely out of their lives. I didn’t share much about the divorce with them unless it related to their college expenses and health insurance, but they felt the weight on me. Sometimes they overheard the phone calls and saw me cry over the emails. They knew that I made a lot of appointments to go see my attorney.
And then it was over. The divorce was final. Closeout didn’t go well, but eventually I got what I was due. His attorney died, and there was some pro se mess for a while.
And finally, four years after he left, he invited them to visit. One was out of college, working. The other was preparing to graduate and was job-hunting. They figured he had someone he wanted them to meet, someone who didn’t grasp the reality of what happened. And he never did own up to them, which they understood was wrong. So they didn’t go, and eventually he dropped all contact with us.
Blessed peace.
Our college-aged kids were floored and disgusted by their father when they found out about the cheating. They knew we had been a happy family so his lies about how horrible I was and how unhappy he had been were not well received. They thought he had really gone off the deep end (he had). Their only condition before they would meet with him was that he send proof he was in therapy. Well, that never happened. They haven’t seen him since 2017! Over the years he has periodically sent self-pitying emails or lashed out at them. When the kids were growing up, he was a loving and involved father who taught them boundaries. The fact that those boundaries are coming back to bite him is really ironic. The whole situation is extremely tragic.
“When the kids were growing up, he was a loving and involved father who taught them boundaries. The fact that those boundaries are coming back to bite him is really ironic.”
Similar to my situation. Our eldest daughter was 12 when we discovered his double life (8 months ago). And she has wanted absolutely nothing to do with him ever since. She won’t see, speak or even message with him. He championed her right to assert her own opinions growing up and was proud that she vehemently opposed life’s injustices and regularly called out bad behaviour – but guess which sad sausage has suddenly decided she’s completely at my mercy and cannot think for herself. He refuses to believe that she feels betrayed by him and is rejecting him… nope – it’s all my dastardly doing for “modelling this behaviour to her”. Oh, the irony indeed.
I feel desperately sorry that any young child is faced with the realisation that a parent is a lying, cheating, selfish pig. But bloody hell, I am so proud of her for taking a stand. Something even most adults in our family have not done.
I don’t remember many details from my brother’s divorce, but I clearly remember his elementary aged son saying of his mother: “She’s just a lying liar”. She surely was.
When FW left, my boys were almost 30 (that, in and of itself, was a blessing so we didn’t have to coparent). FW was always a very attentive and present father; after The Dump, I wouldn’t say he “rejected“ them, but in the years since, the boys (now 42 and fathers themselves) have each told me stories of things FW has done or said to them that were rather shocking, totally uncalled for, and downright cruel. I don’t know if this is the method by which the Married Howorker parents her own adult children and it’s rubbed off on FW, or maybe it’s just the last vestige of his mask that has finally dropped. I know the boys all still maintain a relationship with FW, but I don’t know their current status; since I’m strictly NC with FW, I never even mention his name in the conversation unless the boys do it first.
Despite going to parenting classes, support groups and several years of early morning, in-home family therapy (since cheater claimed he couldn’t schedule it during his workday) he would be casually abusive to child, such as kicking him when child walked between him and the TV.
When I confronted cheater with evidence he’d given online catfisher tens of thousands of dollars (turned out he gave far more), he assaulted me and tween. His therapist and tween’s concurred that he would have to write a letter of contrition before he could see tween again, and then only for supervised visits. Four months later, he was still writing it with the help of his therapist, tween’s therapist and the program director, and wrote that he gave advice to woman he was trying to help, even writing that he was a “white knight.” I said that was still a lie, so more time and rewrites. He showed a real lack of motivation to see tween.
The first visit was supposed to be supervised by a friend. He convinced friend to let him drive off with tween alone, and they drove out of the county. Terrified, tween called me, I called “friend,” and he convinced cheater to return tween.
Cheater had moved into a luxury apartment, filled the second bedroom with equipment for his hobby, and then, after ignoring tween for months, professed to want 50/50 custody. He said tween could sleep in the living room. It had a lavish swimming pool that was open only to kids over 16 years old.
Then came an elaborate scheme to get tween to meet him secretly, while reporting me to CPS and police for child abuse. Fortunately tween saw he’d changed his license plates, kept his distance and was still on his bike when police arrived at our house and I called him to come home. I suspect he was planning to kidnap and harm tween. Tween later revealed cheater had been secretly calling him and making threats to kill me and his pets if tween didn’t comply with demands for the new home security code, new keyless entry code, valuables, etc.
We also discovered numerous ways cheater had sabotaged the house, apparently trying to trigger an a explosion, cause a fire, or to electrocute us.
I suspect the demand for an equal custody split was to further hurt both of us.
As a result of these and other harmful behaviors, Child Protective Services and the police said he should have no further contact with tween. The court-ordered Parental Responsibilities Evaluator concurred, and so did the judge. Since then, tween, now a teen, has disclosed other abuse I didn’t know about.
Despite the no-contact order, ex demanded I bring tween to visit during COVID, and after I refused, told me he’d never forgive me.
We are both relieved we never have to see him again.
Freaking sociopath!
Oh my God, what horror ! Im so sorry that you and your son were subject to such abuse and danger
This. All of it.
Abandonded kids for life with smoops.
Moved across the country.
Didn’t even maintain regular phone contact with them.
Me working full time and single parenting full time.
Child support – what child support?!
Breakups with smoops meant sudden phone calls to kids saying that leaving was the biggest mistake of his life and he’s moving back to be with them in 2 weeks – and then not showing up, no explanation and phone calls stopped again, as suddenly as they started. This happened twice in first 2 years.
Then he met a new smoops snd moved even further away from kids…
What a FW!
FW narcopath is the covert sort of narc and so convincing a liar that I almost wish he was more obvious in his “shedding” of them. Semi-crying about how much he loves them while being so lonely and poor when in reality he’s flush with money vacationing in the Bahamas with escort/GF and doesn’t even see the kids for the 10% custody he has!
It’s so incredibly hurtful to see teen and tween manipulated, FW uses them for his pity party performance and kids felt uncomfortable. Ultimately my choices were to a) spackle for FW in the UNenlightened chumpy way like ‘your dad really loves you he’s just working so hard’ so sad about the divorce or B) point out gaslighting, impression management, teach them to observe actions not words and recognize narcissistic behavior.
Ultimately I chose B because I did not want teen and tween to grow up to be chumps because they were taught to spackle away their own thought and feelings.
Yes, I chose B as well, explaining in neutral terms and suggesting they look into it. Just for their edification and consideration. I didn’t flag their dad at all.
In recent years, they have said that they appreciated how I modelled that. I went no contact during the divorce and then email-only for closeout. They knew that I only looked at that email account when I chose to. I explained that I was using Bill Eddy’s BIFF method to deal with their dad, and they looked into that too.
I viewed it as part of their emotional education that I hadn’t fully understood while married.
And they’re really good at it now as young adults. They don’t share everything with me (of course), but both of them have talked about friends who tried to manipulate and others who were healthy. One of them is back in therapy. I didn’t probe why, but I was 100% supportive when they told me that. All good.
The actions and words are always at odds. Fw changed visits to phone and video calls during the pandemic and never changed them back. I have worked hard to protect my own peace so I’m not privy to the specifics of the smear campaign but it’s clear enough.
The kids mostly refuse to talk on the calls and roll their eyes when they hang up telling me “I know, I know, I can talk to him anytime.” Their counselor, who is also a former social worker, has said it’s one of the few cases where his choice for less involvement might actually be better for the children. They have their own feelings about it all and it comes up in different ways and probably always will.
I’m very lucky in that child support does get paid and I get reembursed for medical expenses, albeit on a delayed schedule over a certain monthly dollar amount. And schmoopie insures the kids. Which is it’s own saga, as fw has consistently pretended she doesn’t exist, and by his reckoning the kids have no idea they legally have a stepmother. I don’t press or let on that I’m aware because it really has no bearing. The kids are medically cared for and I figured out how to make it work.
Their heartbreak is definitely a major ongoing part of life. I try my best to listen, affirm their feelings, and be there without my own opinions or influence. I have all my own feelings about that and it’s exhausting on top of all the regular parenting and life stuff. Especially on my own One wonders why they were rejected as a baby and the other remembers being left behind. They’ve both asked him why but in classic fw style, the answer and behavior never really get to the heart of anything and just continually reenforce the rejection and confusion they feel. I don’t know what else to say besides some days I’m ok and other days are hard to their core. And plenty of days inbetween.
Mine didn’t outright reject them, he’s just been so consistently awful in parenting them that neither of them wants to be around him that much anymore. Not bothering to get a Christmas tree for Christmas or do a big turkey dinner for Thanksgiving, thrift store Christmas gifts, never takes them on even small out-of-town trips or getaways, bullying them into not telling me about car accidents or eviction notices, always broke and unable to do anything fun. They don’t mind seeing him for a meal or a weekend here and there, but they have no desire to spend holidays with him anymore or see him on a regular basis. He en-poop-ified his parenting so badly, they keep their distance now.
That is rejection, but accomplished in a passive and gradual way so that (in their alleged minds) they can’t be accused of abandoning their kids. It’s weaponizing crap parenting so that the kids will reject him first. It’s diabolical and deliberate IMO. My FW has done similar, having less and less contact and doing less and less for DD, thinking that because it’s gradual he can’t be accused of rejecting her. Like she isn’t going to notice. She knows exactly what he’s doing.
#1 cheater filed for more time but it became too much, driving etc..He absolutely did nor want me coming to his house across the State line in case I got in OW face,so that saved the hostage drop off on my end. Cheatee #1 did take my newborn and 6byr old,every other weekend so.I could work. Its hard to say what life would have been like without him being there. My job would have terminated me if I missed days… #2 cheater fought for 100% custody but knew his dad would keep his kids as a retired nurturing grandpa..so it wasn’t going to be him. But he found me at that juncture so I took over being the useful one. His cheating exwife moved out of state and married her AP. That meant long trips,so my cheater dropped the ball in my opinion and only did 6 weeks and a few holidays. I never heard complaints about Child support but am pretty sure he let that go. A dead beat then.So I married, too soon after the custody battle, unknown to me a real creep, though I thought he was a true blue chump until his wings unfolded revealing a cheater..not paying for his children and letting others do the work, grandpa and me. Now I know but did not put a Chump like him, in the disordered category. So my bottom line is, I don’t know if abandoning the children is worse than dealing with a wing nut on a continual basis, but if they financially dump their children and go live the good life? No excuses can cover it. Devastating and unforgivable.
Some of the stories are so awful, Im so sorry that you and your children suffered so much
After his death, I learned that my Cheater was likely a serial cheater. He was a very erratic spouse and father…he had moments when he seemed to try to do the nurturing things expected of him but in a split second, he clearly tired of the whole thing and walked away as if we were nothing but a bother.
What little I have been able to discern is that Cheater’s kink was “childless coworker” and most of the times I now see were likely opportunities to cheat were connected to work trips /working late.
He used to cycle in and out of interest vs annoyance with me and the 3 kids – all during years when I never ever suspected infidelity but looking back, it explains why he would go so on/off with me and the kids when we hadn’t done anything different.
The worst of his neglect came when oldest was in late High School. Son had had to changes schools 7 times growing up in support of his father’s military career and it was time to consider the kids. Cheater tried to get us all to (unknowingly) move closer to Susan but I wouldn’t go because son’s Senior year was starting. Cheater suggested a family we might give son to.
Eventually, Cheater scheduled his military retirement ceremony far from home but closer to Susan to fit Susans schedule but son had finals that week and couldn’t come.
Cheater also promised Susan a $40,000 ring when they would later get engaged because she would have to forfeit the $39,000 one her fiancé had given her. At the time he made this promise, kids had $0 in their college funds.
Cheater mocked and insulted the idea of marriage openly and it clearly affected the kids.
Mind you, Cheater derided me harshly for not birthing him more children for him. I asked him “Well how many children did you want to abandon me with?”…we had this conversations while walking into church and he saw the men with 7, 8 ,10 kids…as if more kids might have made parenthood better? easier?
Cheater acted like he never hurt the kids or messed up his relationship with them. Cheater was a HUGE sportsman neither me nor the kids really cared about sports. That changed briefly when middle-kid’s non-fancy university won a huge sports achievement. Cheater and I were out for a meal and my cellphone rang. Son was calling to share his exhilaration about the win with me. I congratulated him on the win and shared son’s excitement with him. I then hung up and we sat there in the quiet of Cheater realizing his son didnt even bother with him. It was too late and the damage was done.
Yes, Traitor Ex abandoned our daughter too. She was ten.
In the year leading up to DDay, I went on a solo trip to recharge my batteries, with his enthusiastic support (and we all know why he enthusiastically encouraged me to go and not worry about a thing and have a great time).
I was going to be gone for a week. The only time in her entire life I had ever been away from her that long and the only time he had ever been on primary parent duty that long. She is nineteen now and still talks about how he regularly left her alone, without a phone. She sensed that he was not telling the truth about his stated reasons for going out or where he was going. After DDay she knew he was taking off to meet up with the “sole mate”.
He couldn’t even keep the focus on his own child for a single week out of her entire life.
When he left after DDay, he became a ghost in her life too. And to this day denies it. So he mind-effs his own child along with everyone else.
I think of his abandonment of her as very sad and tragic proof that he does not love anybody, and that is what my daughter says about him, and unfortunately it is true.
Love is not a just a feeling or a sentiment. Only fools think that. It’s behavior. And behavior is the only language one should listen to.
How a parent treats a child is the truest indicator of their ability to love anybody. And another very big reason I would never advocate staying with someone who is not trustworthy.
♥️
“Behavior is the only language one should listen to”
Wise words I wish I had learned as a young bride. I’m trying to teach that to my own kids now in the hopes of protecting them from all personality disordered monsters.
Ex does as little parenting as he can get away with. He likes to show off as “fun, goofy dad,” but that’s only when there isn’t golf on, he’s not away golfing, hockey’s not on, or some other sport, or he’s not working.
Didn’t show up to parent-teacher conference this year. Hasn’t bought a single box of GS cookies from his daughter. Never has a “good luck” note added to the program for the school play. He and “Just-a-Friend,” now nanny McBang-Maid wife, constantly drop the kids (my daughter and her step-siblings) at Just-a-Friend’s parents’ house on their custody weekends (why are you ditching soooo much of your weekend time with them?).
Doesn’t stay on top of the notices from school and such, he leaves that to his wife, but her kids go to a different school.
Has never volunteered to chaperone / help out any school or scout events. Misses a third of her soccer games.
Last year, the school strings concert had a flyer in her binder for weeks. There were several reminder emails from the teacher, there were reminder emails from the district. The day before the concert, ex texts me, “Did you know ‘daughter’ had a violin concert tomorrow?” Yes. Yes dim-wit, I did.
He’s so checked out. She’s an amazing little human and he’s missing it. She’s never mentioned any father-daughter outings just the two of them.
Not full-on abandonment, but he falls so terribly short of the dad she deserves.
It’s amazing how I’m nodding along while reading this, so many small details match exactly what FW narcopath does. Literally these FW are made at the same Satanic factory.
I could write a book, oh… I am! My ex FW is a ghost! Married 29 1/2 years and the last 10 years were a total $hit show now looking back. We lost a daughter to leukemia and so his withdrawl was easily explained, but now I know he was having many connections with subordinates at work which I would never have suspected he was capable of.
Once he finally left ( as I stuck in there to not have my children have a double tragedy of loss of sister and divorce) he left as just needing “to be by myself” he was engaged days after out quick divorce of 90 days that I completely handled myself. He was married a few months later on the month of what would of been our 30th wedding anniversary. Told no one for a year.
My kids saw him because they worked for the same company, but he was fired a year to the date of our divorce and then everything started to disconnect totally for them as well. He saw them because he worked with them, but he spent no time with them otherwise. Once fired it all stopped. They have not seen him in 4 years. Would get a text here or there, but that has stopped. Got one gift a year at Xmas time and that stopped this year.
He goes on vacations with her and her adult daughters. Her oldest daughter ( 29 )lives with them now with her son. They had lived with the other adult daughter ( 25 ), but he took a job in another state . He never sold that condo and pays for that adult daughter to continue to live there.
I knew he was insecure and hard to get to know even after 30 years. He was just not emotionally available. My son doesn’t talk about it. My daughter says she has ptsd. My grandson has cried over the loss of his pops. He hasn’t met his one year old granddaughter who is a crazy resemblance of our daughter who passed and there is a grandson due in 2 months also he will not know.
His new wife intercepts business ( divorce agreements) any communication pretending to be him until called out. I have not talked to him in 3 years now. She is an opportunist materialistic woman that had 2 children from 2 men and never had been married and is 51. She calls us drama! To leave her family alone. I guess she forgot that when she assisted in the breakup of our family.
His mother lied for him as did his brothers, so we have no contact with them at all now either. So his side of the family is completely gone. He always hated his family, but now he needs them to make it look like “ it was us”
My kids lost a sister, father, uncles and the only existing grandmother. He was a fraud. He wasn’t a sweet man, he was an avoidant covert narcissist that doesn’t attach correctly and doesn’t love deeply. His family has shown that they all are.
It’s all very hard to come to terms with. My daughter once said, I thought he was a good dad, but now I look back and there is nothing to really verify this. I guess I just wanted him to be that.
People who are avoidant learn to charm their way and give intermittent reinforcement when needed and it can be mistaken as someone nice, moral and a great listener. They really are just not truly engaged. This will be generational trauma that will be talked about tor decades. It’s a tragedy
“He wasn’t a sweet man, he was an avoidant covert narcissist that doesn’t attach correctly and doesn’t love deeply.
People who are avoidant learn to charm their way and give intermittent reinforcement when needed and it can be mistaken as someone nice, moral and a great listener. They really are just not truly engaged. ”
Right? It’s like coming out of our own manipulated fog. Hard to accept when you are a strong woman that you were duped. Was for me. One thing I do know is that as much pain as it has caused I would not be my Ex FW for anything. What a horrible existence.
I’d have to say that FW didn’t abandon the kids because he never engaged with them in the first place. Worked mostly weekends, stayed up late and slept in, refused to play with them when they were little – you get the picture. Never once read them a bedtime story or took them anywhere on his own.
Once when they were in high school there was an awards ceremony and both of them were to receive recognition for having the highest marks in certain subjects. He whined to me that he was tired and didn’t want to attend so we went without him. I made some excuse to our kids and a teacher who asked where he was.
That is probably my biggest regret – failing to show my kids that his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. It was years later that I discovered the cheating but looking back I can see all the red flags. I made all kinds of excuses for him – FOO issues, he’s been working a lot, he doesn’t know how to . What a fool I was.
Despite his total indifference to them growing up our daughter has a heart of gold and has lunch with him quite often. Our son barely connects with either of us, not out of anger but because he has never had a healthy model to pattern himself after.
My message to anyone contemplating leaving a FW but worrying about what it will do to the kids is to look long and hard at the FW’s involvement. If they were a caring parent during the marriage I’m sure they’ll be a good parent after the divorce. If they weren’t then your job will get easier when you don’t have to deal with a FW too. Good luck!
What a useless mofo! I agree with your take. IMO a FW is not going to be a loving, fully involved parent, so chumps should stop thinking leaving will hurt the kids.
Mine seemed to be a doting father but in hindsight he only did fun stuff and no parenting. Now 7 years past DDay he still only pretends to be a parent and isn’t really there. Daughter 19 now, sees right through it. She came to her own conclusions about him and now we can have open talks about his narcissism and what he did. He is a big victim of course and blames me for his lack of attachment to her. The truth is out now though- all the years her flew our daughter down to see him, she spent all her time alone in her room while he slept or played video games while schmoopie was working. He only wanted to make it look like he cared about having our daughter visit. Impression management! She’s done with him bar a friendly text message now and again. She has no interest in being his prop.
Our kids were grown when we split. FW built an alliance with one of them (the one he prefers because she is more like him and is not disabled like the other child) who then shut me out, blocking and ghosting me completely and ghosting the rest of the family to boot. I haven’t heard from her in many years and neither has her sister or any of my relatives. FW sees and speaks to her regularly but rarely sees or talks to the other daughter and didn’t even text to wish her a merry Christmas this year. I guess a two word text was too much effort for poor old FW. He has gradually become less and less involved in her life and I think he’s playing it that way thinking he can’t be considered to be rejecting her, because his withdrawal is being done gradually as opposed to a sudden abandonment. He is dead wrong about that.
DD is relieved not to have to deal with him (she knows he’s toxic) but naturally it still hurts to be rejected by her father. ☹️
So sorry OHFFS… to lose your husband AND a daughter… so sad 😔 x
Ty 🩷
I am currently still in the process of our divorce and it should be finalized within 4-6 weeks.
Right now, he is still an involved and loving father and I am wondering for how long that will last.
The kids stay with him from Friday evening until Sunday morning every week. Last Saturday he dropped them off at my place because he had an “appointment” from Saturday afternoon until 2am at night. Which was just him spending time with his monkey branch girl.
Also: we separated finances starting this February and his bank account (it’s still joint so I can peek) is a hot mess. Overdrawn to almost the max. It’s ridiculous. I am waiting for the day until he tells me he cannot pay child support – and he hasn’t even started yet.
I predict he will go for a younger girl than him (he’s 34, I am 38) and start a new family with her. And his relationship with our kids will fizzle out over time. And that will last until that woman finds out where all their money is going. Then repeat the process.