Excusing Affairs for the ‘Greater Good’
The Friday Challenge is to discuss the cheater phenomenon of excusing affairs for having some beneficial outcome… for the cheater.
***
Over the years, I’ve collected a lot of Stupid Sh*t Cheaters Say, but among the more patently moronic is the idea that affairs are somehow improving. Not for you, of course, but for the cheater. Thank you, Little Person, for playing a small part in their larger spiritual journey.
It was all worth it!
This excusing affairs for the greater good came up in a recent post “In House Separation — She Won’t Move Out” where the FW expresses gratitude to her affair partner as being a spiritual guide. ChumpChamp is just providing food and shelter, and raising their children but whatever.
It’s a masterstroke of impression management. They are grateful, they do count their blessings. You just aren’t among them. And really, isn’t it all for the best?
A chump in the comments chimed in.
And on a “oof, I know THAT feeling” level while reading this, when ChumpChamp said:
“She even stood in our kitchen and said to me whilst she was sorry she had hurt me, she was forever grateful to the headmaster for helping her out in a difficult period of her life!”
That reminded me of when my FW excused one of his many, MANY affairs by telling me it was a good thing he had sex with AP #314
because “she just got over cancer and I gave her her first orgasm since chemo!”
Like it is okay to have saintly sex that “saves” someone, somehow….so sorry that hurt you and that you are collateral damage for the “greater good”!
A good thing! He saved her with his dick! I can’t believe you’d be so churlish as to begrudge this woman a medical MIRACLE.
So, CN, tell me — how did your cheater excuse their affairs as being for a boon to humanity? Was anyone cured? Was there a spiritual journey that ended in self-actualization?
TGIF!
Not quite the same but mine told me (in the opening moments of the conversation I had with him about his 18 month infidelity when I was still in shock) that he was proud of what he’d done – implication it was so good for him to find this love! The penny dropped that he was a grade 1 narcissist.
My FW told me (about his 22 year old intern AP…he was 40 at the time) “the only time I am at peace is when I am with her”. So glad he found “peace” when my world was blown to bits. And after his relationship with her ended he said that he was happier alone, but the affair made him a “better man”.
Made him a free man to use his tools wherever a repair was needed
My FW was just so happy that he found a girlfriend because he was tired of spending money on sex workers and he also figured it was safer just to have a girlfriend. He actually tried to sell this to me as if he was some great guy by choosing to be a one woman kind of cheating man. And gee-just think of all that money he was gonna save us! To top it all off, his girlfriend was also happy because she’d finally found the man of her dreams, and he somehow thought I would care about how awesome that was for her. You can’t make this shit up.
Yes, my FW said he was “really helping” his schmoopie (27 years younger and just legal drinking age) because he had training in mental health and she had many co-occurringng issues. The savior complex is another one on narcissist checklist.
OMG! Completely out of touch with reality!
Like mine….yep
That is so wildly f’ed up, I can hardly believe someone would summon up such stupid words from the inside of there rotted soul.
My STBX, caught ogling young women and girls at a family pool party (yes, relatives) said he deserved praise because he was practicing how not to ogle women that weren’t family.
Same guy who wanted praise for “passing” the polygraph in which huge unknown truth bombs were uncovered. He disgorged them to the polygraph guy immediately prior to it, because he was afraid they’d be uncovered. Then he pouted like a child because I, reeling from the bombs, didn’t praise him sufficiently.
This is where I stand up at my computer quoting MLK “Thank God Almighty I am free at last!” Or will be soon, when the Divorce is final.
“Practicing how not to ogle women that weren’t family.”
I’m actually speechless at the number of fucked up implications of that statement…
My first husband after almost 30 years had an emotional affair with a very young just married 30 year old from one of his classes. He would show pics of her to our daughter and bragged about how wonderful she was. When I asked him if he was having an affair he said ,”Well she gets me and you don’t” she made him happy – of course until she didn’t and he found out she was taking advantage of him. But that was well after we had separated and filed for divorce.
I was spared that at least by FW because a hooker habit is hardly a spiritual journey no matter how you spin it.
Narcopath plays victim but not in the Elizabeth Gilbert type of way.
+1
Ex-Mrs LFTT still denies that there was an affair, but then she lies as effortlessly as she breathes.
That said, I’m sure that she would rationalise what she did (and she knows that she did it, the kids and I know that she did it and she knows that we know that she did it …. so why the f*ck lie about it?) by saying that her AP was the “one” that she always should have been with and so their affair was simply correcting a historical wrong and that true love will find a way etc etc. Which kind of works until you realise that their original relationship (which occurred before I met her) was also an affair (he was married and she was single) and that “love finding a way” involved the kids and I ending underneath the mother of all busses.
But hey, a Cheater will always find a way to justify the unjustifiable.
LFTT
So the “happy” couple was repeatedly playing affair partner with each other?
HOAC has eloquently written about the twisted psychology of mate-poachers and side-pieces and your ex-W is a great example of such trash. Wonder when they’ll be cheating on each other?
Archer,
Whatever misery they inflict on each other won’t be my problem.
LFTT
As long as you monkey-branch continuously you can always claim that your current relationship is “true love” and will last forever (by definition, since the current one hasn’t ended yet) which retroactively justifies all the actions that led to it.
My ex told me his mistress(one in a line of many, not the one he ultimately left me for 20 years later) saved our marriage.
My mom was dying of breast cancer, I was 1600 miles away in another state with three young ones under 5.
You see, he wasn’t going to make it through my mom’s death without the amazing compassion of his mistress. She had lost her mom at an early age in life, I was informed,
and could relate to my grief and help him know how to deal with me. What a wonderfully generous person she was for that valiant sacrifice. Screwing my husband at a time when my loss was incalculable and I could have used his love and support, so he would be able to survive the horrifically painful grief I was experiencing.
Why aren’t medals handed out for this level of courage and bravery you have to wonder!😑
My #2 had his mother, father and 4 good friends die during covid…old age for his mom and dad in their 90s. Ex said he needed comfort and I could not provide the level he needed and the specific acts he needed for all the grief. So of course he had to show me his sadness by paying others
I enjoy watching Dancing with the Stars. This week’s episode was a tribute to someone in the novice dancer’s life. A beautiful story of love, understanding and happiness – all thanks to a wandering dick – came to light. The children’s psyche are the collateral damage but that’s been sugar coated.
Alix Earle is an influencer (and a really good dancer) who brought her 12-year old sister on the show. Apparently Alix had been struggling as a child because her dad had an affair with call girl Ashley Dupré (of Elliott Spitzer fame). Her mom and dad eventually divorced and in the meantime Alix was bullied. Other kids’ families wouldn’t let her play with their kids and she felt shunned. But everything was suddenly okay when her dad and Ashley had a baby and Alix saw her new little sister.
The whole story is beyond crazy but apparently it’s all good because the family is attractive and wealthy and there are babies to celebrate. Alix and her mom have sucked it up well and are celebrating the new family. Unlike those rotten Schwarzenegger kids who haven’t accepted their surprise new brother into their lives.
I wish all the kids well, and if the ‘it’s all okay in the end’ is what they need to come out of it (along with endless therapy bills) then so be it. But normalizing such a f’d up situation is f’d up.
Did not know about any of this. Now I know too much. Older, not-fooling-anyone, wealthy pecker in a suit disguised as a man marries former scrupleless orafice-for-rent because
his wallethe is apparently so sPeShuL. Absolutely disgusting. These men and women who heap this onto their kids should be ashamed. I hate to say it, but Alix looks like she got the tits-out-makes-you-a-person-worthy-of-value message too. Of course how can you not struggle with something like this on your plate? Sure, family is family, but we don’t have to swallow the shit sandwich of their poor and selfish choices.I would never play along with this if I were Alix mom. Speaking as a Chump with a minor daughter and exH FW a prolific renter of orifices
Same, Archer. It makes me sick that this man is around my daughter even every other weekend. He has no business being the father of a girl child. Looking back, it makes sense that he was bummed that the sonogram did not say we were having a boy. Like it would be more okay to impose his fucked up view of human relations on a boy child, let alone any child.
there were slogans like “the heart wants what the heart wants” and “love is love”. it occurs to me there is nothing personal in these statements, nothing of substance, and that’s no surprise, really, given the empty vessel that is the X. plastered with tattoos.
in the aftermath of this car crash, there have been many people who have, in both small and large ways, offered help and i’d rather focus on that form of the greater good. like the clerk at Costco who laughed heartily when i cancelled the X’s secondary card, and told me a funny story about her opportunistic X. and my GP who asked me to come into the office every two weeks for months on end, for a quick chat and emotional check-in. and my good friend who took my call every day for a solid year, and listened to me ramble.
today, i celebrate those people. i also talk to a woman who is going through the first days of separation and divorce, try to provide support and encouragement, because that’s what you do.
onward.
#damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
#damnitfeelsgoodtobedivorced
Cheaty McLiarface had a bad case of W.K.S. (white knight syndrome). His emotional affair was accidental but noble because he had the best of intentions of saving her from a marriage her family was insisting that she go through with. After all, he himself had made that mistake with his first wife and she could learn from it. Oh how he hated to see his really good friend so unhappy!
Of course she’s divorced now (did her groom ever actually stand a chance?) and I’m working on freeing up Cheaty. I’m hoping that destiny or maybe LinkedIn will reunite them once again to fulfill a love that has been denied for decades.
“destiny or maybe LinkedIn will reunite them”
🤣 😂 😂🤣
I can hear the really bad AI violin soundtrack swelling behind the made for TV saga of Sir Cheaty McLiarface, the liberator of Bims. 😛
Ex told me he was her knight and he was saving her, her husband was an alcoholic, and he told me a story where she met her husband in a bar to talk about separation and their kids and he got drunk and it was awful for her. My ex proceeded to start crying. I was just thinking – why are you meeting an alcoholic at a bar to discuss your kids? Wtf? My ex was then angry at me that this situation didn’t make me sad for her or see him as saving her in any way.
He also said he thought I’d be happy for him that he found an affair partner, that he deserved it for all he’d done for me and the kids, and that he felt like a king.
Like someone else said earlier, you just can’t make this stuff up.
FW told me that both the affair and her leaving for AP were good for the kids. Because it’s better for them to have a happy mother. Apparently having a father who still struggles to get through half the days despite years of therapy and antidepressants is totally fine for them.
Besides, everyone knows “kids are resilient” right? God I hate that phrase. It’s not like this generation that went through the pandemic in the middle of their formative years isn’t already a little unbalanced. (Anecdote: I coach my kid’s U8 soccer team. last week, 5/8 kids were crying at one point or another, and not from getting physically hurt. 10 years ago a kid this age crying would have been a “crybaby.” I’m glad these kids have more empathy and compassion for each other, but yeesh.) Both of my kids are in therapy (which FW routinely forgets to bring them to). The 13 year old would probably have wanted some therapy anyway, but obviously the divorce exacerbated things. And they don’t even know about the affair, so I’m sure there will be even more trauma for them when that drops.
Oh goodness I am sorry.
I told our daughter the truth
when she asked if Traitor Dad had an affair. She was ten at the time. I had already cleared
and rehearsed my response with our long-term family therapist, who had been on board since I was pregnant with her. She said that I could not lie to her. She was too smart and lying to her would mean she had NO parents she could trust.
All I said was “yes.”
I really hate hearing about therapists who tell parents to keep this a secret. It always comes out somehow, and/or the involved children figure it out, and then there’s THAT damage.
😪
100%, VH. The truth is the compass by which we navigate and understand our lives. I will never forget the time after Dday when I was desperate for the truth because I needed to understand what happened. Our kids need it just as desperately as we did. Any therapist who says otherwise is creating worse trauma for vulnerable, harmed young people.
I would advise you to disclose the affair and not lie to your own children about the reason for divorce.
All of the therapists I have worked with advised against. She forced the divorce when I was still in desperate reconciliation mode; I did not initiate nor consent to it. The answer to “why did Mom divorce you?” is “she wants to be with someone else.” Giving her affair as a reason for the divorce is not really true.
If either of them asks me something, I will certainly not lie for her. And they will be told eventually, probably when they start dating so that hopefully they can avoid some of this. But right now my therapist says that the only reasons to tell them at this point are to try to get them “on my side” against her, or to try to get sympathy/emotional support from them, neither of which is appropriate, obviously.
I think it’s a form of gaslighting to lie to children about/whitewash a parent’s role in events that have such a massive impact on kids’ lives. And there’s another important reason to share the basic facts: personality disordered cheaters– like all domestic abusers– will invariably try groom and brainwash children with fabricated DARVO narratives which blame the victimized partner for the abuse (in whatever form the abuse comes, from cheating to financial abuse to marital rape and beatings with tire irons). However bad the abuse was, the abuser will have to invent some offense or crime that the victim parent committed that’s serious enough to justify the abuse.
This isn’t just internet psychobabble or speculation. Researchers have observed this blame-shifting behavior in serial abusers in prison settings. It even has a name: “neutralization” (as in neutralizing guilt/stigma by blaming the victim or circumstances). The regularity with which abusive personality disorders will do this almost forces victims into telling bystanders and children the truth if just to inoculate against the falsely damning narrative if just to offset the most tragic outcome of all: when children are alienated from victimized parent so that their only remaining attachment is to a patented abuser.
It is traumatic when kids learn about affairs but, at least in my experience, the shock is finite while the angst of being mystified by all those weird adult vibes and conflict tends to haunt people well into adulthood.
Initially, I went along with the story he wanted out there, that we were still such great friemds, but no longer romantically linked. That was the tale he spun to our kids, friemds, family etc. Like a good Chump, I went along with it.
Then he eventually moved out. Once I didn’t have to live wih him, my desire to be complicit in these lies was waning.
Months later, I found out one of my kids knew the truth. Possibly before I did. She caught him texting the AP. And she kept it to herself for a long, long tome. Not knowing if she saw hat she saw. Or if I knew. Or what would happen if I found out.
I didn’t entirely confirm her suspicions when she came to me. But I didn’t deny them. I didn’t really get into it. I was so caught off guard by the question. And hadn’t thought much about what I would say.
In hindsight, I am so glad I didn’t completely cover for him, because she already knew and then I would be a liar too.
It’s not like there’s anything good about these situations but it’s kind of a relief that the decision to tell was taken out of your hands because your daughter already knew. It’s a relief because, aside from the fact that gaslighting kids is wrong, abusers will always try to alienate children from victim parents. It’s so common that there are an increasing number of trauma therapists who specialize in coaching victims on how to prevent or offset how abusers brainwash children and weaponize the courts.
I can imagine that, for people who tend to be extremely private and/or very much want to protect their children’s innocence, it’s agonizing to be forced to “inoculate” bystanders or their own children against the lies their abusers are going to tell by telling the awful facts.
I definitely prefer that she knows he truth AND that I didn’t have to tell her. If I had been the one to inform her, he could question my motives. I think a lot of people that have never been in this situation would question my motivations. So I basically got to bypass all of that baloney.
That said, it is really upsetting to think of my kid burderned with that knowledge, alone, trying to figure outr what to do. He did that. One more selfish FW move, God forbid he be careful and not text his AP around our kids.
I totally get the conundrum. To paraphrase scripture, “It must needs be that kids know the truth but woe be unto him by whom that horrible truth cometh.”
This!
I told my teen sons that their mother had been sleeping with other men and that led to our divorce. She was furious and told me that her therapist said it was terrible, Yada, yada, yada. The part she left out was that the lie of omission she involved me with. Before I knew about the cheating, she had me join her in telling them we were divorcing because we could just not get along. Ha! I told them so that I was not complicit in the lie and they did not have to try to process what other lies they were growing up with.
I was made complicit in selling the “grow apart” story without knowledge as well. I wasn’t the one to tell the kids of the affair. My 12 year old told me of the affair but didn’t want me to tell anyone I learned it from him so I couldn’t tell his adult sister. A couple of months later he told her as well. I agree that kids knowing is better but I’m not sure how I would have handled disclosure myself. It was out of my hands here but I’m grateful for everything being out in the open in the end.
So brave and loving of your 12 yo. 💕 What a burden that would have been for him.
I’m guessing your kids are doing better now and you’re now secure in the knowledge you made the made the right choice. But generally those no map for this kind of thing and we’re all flying blind as parents.
But for a long time I’ve sensed that most cases of what we think of as “depression” (that aren’t from other suspected causes like closed head injury, mold allergy, whatever) is when people fall into the yawning gap between what they’ve been told is true vs. what they sense in their guts is actually true. The wider the abyss between the two things and the higher the stakes, the greater the risk of depression.
That’s why gaslighting to me seems like protracted soul murder, especially for children whose antennae can pick up on every unspoken danger, cue and intangible vibe which can be terrifying and disheartening when they’re too young to process or interpret.
I think the Soviet dissident poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko intended the following poem to apply to political reality but I think it also applies to any kind of hard truth (that last line– whoa):
Lies
Lying to the young is wrong.
Proving to them that lies are true is wrong.
Telling them
that God’s in his heaven
and all’s well with the world
is wrong.
They know what you mean.
They are people too.
Tell them the difficulties
can’t be counted,
and let them see
not only
what will be
but see
with clarity
these present times.
Say obstacles exist they must encounter,
sorrow comes,
hardship happens.
The hell with it.
Who never knew
the price of happiness
will not be happy.
Forgive no error
you recognize,
it will repeat itself,
a hundredfold
and afterward
our pupils
will not forgive in us
what we forgave.
1952
Translated by Robin Milner-Gulland and Peter Levi (revised)
Yevgeny Yevtushenko
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. It is very apt to the topic.
Before DD, my oldest son, about 15 at the time, wrote a letter to his mom asking her why she was so mean to me. In particular, he pointed out all the mean and unfair things she said while we were at the dinner table together. He recognized she did it to demean me in front of him and his younger brother. He said he lost respect for her and asked her to stop. His mother showed me the letter and asked me to read it and punish him for writing it. After I read it she asked what I was going to do. I said nothing, because it is all true. At which point she stormed off. My sons have grown up to be a firefighter and a nurse. They are both good father’s and attentive husbands. Plus they are independent thinkers and call out bullshit when they see it. I am very proud of them both.
Well done, Bruno. You raised men of integrity who are passing on their values to the next generation, like their father did before them. Sometimes I ponder (not trying to untangle the skein, but thinking about the impact of FWs) what is the purpose of how they live their lives? They seem to take every good thing and smash it, every beautiful thing and uglify it, and hurt every person who loves them. It all seems so pointless and uneccessary, a wasted life.
Wow, it sounds like your son wasn’t only defending you but also the observant, insightful part of himself he inherited or osmosed from you. Unfortunately, those are qualities that narcissists seem to dislike most of all since they generally don’t want others to really see or know them.
Maybe your ex assumed at first that your general tact, patience and gallantry (hey, you politely ignored all my typos) meant you weren’t actually that observant? In any case, it sounds like your son also finally ran out of patience, showed who he was underneath and she wanted that shut right down.
Very telling that your ex saw the husband/dad figure as “the punisher”– the one who controls through fear and intimidation. She must have been so disappointed and you must be so proud your kids took after you in that sense..
Retelling an old story here. Famously my fuckwit asked for an open relationship (read: she had already been cheating and wanted permission to do so officially to clear what little conscience that she had) the day after I was diagnosed diabetic.
She couched the whole thing as “It will make the relationship stronger.”
Mysteriously, she started stuttering when I asked her how.
The abridged version (shoutouts to trauma memory fragmenting my typical ability to better cite situations) is that she didn’t feel like she was enough to meet my needs anymore, that she wanted me to “have the ability to meet somebody that would and still be with (her)”.
At this point I asked her point blank if there was somebody else. There was some double talk before she conceded that one of her “friends” was making overtures and that she felt bad not being permitted to reciprocate.
She continued to stutter when I asked how she felt unable to meet my needs when she wasn’t investing any time or energy into the relationship and if making a greater effort might, you know, change that and uphold her end of the bargain. Or that if she felt so strongly about me needing somebody else to meet my emotional and sexual needs if she already had somebody lined up to fill the spot for that. Mysteriously, no, that would be my job! Ongoing stuttering at “so you are already guaranteed somebody and I, who am now broken, have to go looking?” (My tongue was firmly in cheek). Her face fell since she realized it wasn’t working.
So um…how it would make things stronger was that she wouldn’t have to deal with me or keep promises that she made and I might find somebody interested in dealing with my defective self on a part time basis. Even if I bought into the notion of an open relationship(I don’t and never have), that sounds like a lot of wins for the person that did none of the heavy lifting in the relationship and nothing concrete for me.
Do I even need to spell out “it makes the relationship stronger because she thought she was the only person in it who mattered”?
It was at this point that she received my precis on why open relationships do not work, that I never believed in them and that she knew that, and that it was poor form to drop that on me right after I got bad news. The answer was “no.” She said that she would honor that and try harder.
9 months of Pick Me Dance later, hello ChumpNation!
The idiot actually thought the premise of “well, you might find something to help tide you over!” was going to win me, particularly in a moment of vulnerability.
Read that out loud future people: “She thought that waiting until he was diagnosed with a life altering disease to ask for permission to continue cheating, just ethically this time, a time in his life when he never felt less attractive would be a good time to inform him that he, too, could get his needs met elsewhere and still pay all of her bills but he would have to find it himself.” I dare you to make less sense!
Fuckwits are really poor salespeople, huh?
And on the topic of fuckwits,
Have a Fuckwit Free Friday!
I had open relationship offer too. I sometimes imagine casually walking up to the OW and thanking her for finally giving FW the open relationship he has always wanted. I wonder what her reaction would be.
Good grief! To be a FW, you need to have a low EQ and low empathy to begin with. They sell themselves on the rightness of their behavior with equally ridiculous rationales to the ones they use to try to sell it to us.
I am in the offer of an open relationship club too. They do pick really opportune times to make that wonderful offer too, don’t they? I’m sure it would be have been super easy for me to track down a new partner, or at the very least some fresh dick, with a baby in tow. Morons.
I just want to point out that, as we all know, it’s exceedingly easy to get laid but not if you also require safety, sanity and no active STIs. It’s that latter bit that makes things difficult.
Since FWs don’t tend to have any of those requirements, they actually believe the ease with which they get tail means their stock runs higher than their chumps’.
The greater good of my Cheater’s affair according to him:
That he finally “fell in love”… I am not sure what attracted him to me and our eventual 3 kids and dog, but this was apparently a new experience for him
That he was in a position to support his poor widdle schmoopie to heal from the heartbreak of her fiancé cheating on her
That his schmoopie was teaching him to love me
That his decision to start a new family with Schmoops would double the kids’ families and they would think it was so great – Like his BFF Dan who got the bonus family treatment in his late teens (which broke his heart and he was never ok after that)
What an unreasonable person I was for not celebrating any of these things with and for them
that one is pretty f**ing delusional. But the FWs are all delusional in one way or another, aren’t they?
My first cheater said we were incompatable but OW fit the bill. She could not have kids so that was a come -on for him who was leaving a newborn and 6 year old in the dust. No responsibility for him yayee!!
#2 cheater wanted a wife the level of a sex worker and massage therapist combo. He told me he had all these outside interactions to TEACH ME A LESSON IN GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTED when he snapped his fingers. The OW(s) took care of ever need, for a price. My Ex did NOT like to spend money ….but that was the
ONLY way to get his normal bodily needs met!!!! When I left him he was not happy because he did not have a real live replacement lined up as yet. It took 6 weeks to find Someone who would marry him on line..from another country.. they are married now.
All those years ago (1970s), my father was whining to me about how my mother “wouldn’t give him a divorce” so he could marry his sweetie. He was saving Sweetie from “her awful fiancé,” you see. No one buy him could see her inherent goodness and worth, and it was up to him to save her. (I went to high school with Sweetie, and Dad was kinda right — most of us thought she was an amoral tramp who had already “dated” a few married men.) The boyfriend WAS awful . . . he fired a hunting rifle at our house, putting a slug through my bedroom wall which blew up my down pillows, leaving down EVERYWHERE. (That was the weekend before I married my own cheater, and I wasn’t there, thank goodness! I was still wrapping up my semester of school.)
My first cheater (married in 1977; filed for divorce in 1981) had a lot of selfless reasons for fucking other women. There was the woman he rear-ended at a stop sign, and he “had to take her home because her car was trashed.” There was the woman who suffered a traumatic brain injury in a car accident and was unable to process information well enough to live independently. She and her parents came to visit his parents, and my then-fiancee “threw her a fuck because no one else ever will.” There was my boss, who he claimed he was “just trying to get on her good side so she’d give you a good evaluation.” And my sister. “I was just trying to be nice to her because she’s your sister.” And Sister Margaret, the nun who led our pre-marriage classes. “I was just helping her determine if she had a true vocation.” Evidently it took a lot of help over months for her to determine whether she had a true vocation.
Wow, your FW missed his calling to stand-up comedy so he decides to be a real walking joke. Except there’s apparently hordes of needy women longing to be rescued by a married clown, it’s unreal.
Mine didn’t bother to make up excuses much less funny ones, he just raged and abused and ran off with a hag from his past that was willing to play mommy to both him and our 2 infants.
This is crazy. What is wrong with all these women?
Ruby I’m speechless. Was your FW that good at seduction or are there that many pathetic losers in the world?
“… my then-fiancee ‘threw her a fuck because no one else ever will.'”
I gasped.
The others are awful too. Jesus.
There are a lot of awful people out there who don’t care about other people. My sister is one; Sister Margaret another. As far as the daughter with the traumatic brain injury — I’m not sure she had the capacity to actually consent. She was beautiful, but vacant. I’m not sure what she did and did not understand. When my sister-in-law told me about that, after we separated, I wanted to call the police on him, even though it had happened years earlier.
Even for a FW these are all incredible.
I married the Abuser too soon after my first divorce. My parents loved him, and for the first time in my LIFE they were happy with something I had done — they were actually nice to me. They couldn’t wait for the Abuser and I to get married. (Even after they witnessed him swinging a canoe paddle at me, which is probably one of the reasons I missed so flippin’ many red flags.). The Abuser, a registered nurse, slept with a teenaged patient on his mental health unit because he was “trying to help her with her body image issues.” That was a big sacrifice on his part, because as I found out a few years later when I found him in our bed with the priest, he preferred men. And wasn’t it nice that he could “provide some comfort for Father Steve,” who was “going through a rough time.”
Ruby, I always look forward to hearing about your husband’s dick-centered philanthropy. All cheaters think that way, and it is a relief of sorts to have it said so plainly.
Ballbag McGee had a second wedding with the works- even asked me to come and mind our children in some dingy hotel room when they became inconvenient props on the day. I did not.
He opined when he first walked out that he and the love of his life could now travel overseas- apparently it was my fault he’d missed out on such adventures when he was younger even though he’d never expressed interest in doing that with me.
Of course he reverted to type and cheated on her- the love of his life. Snort.
Unfortunately I have to be in the same room as them today so I can again witness the wonder of this true story book tale of a loving couple finally being able to be together against all odds.
Bahahahaha!
“Ballbag McGee had a second wedding with the works- even asked me to come and mind our children in some dingy hotel room when they became inconvenient props on the day. I did not.”
To quote All About Eve, that beats all records for running, standing or jumping gall. He wanted you to come and babysit to help him marry the AP? 😄
That’s him- the biggest measure of Delusional Chutzpah around.
He tried to greet me as if nothing had ever happened yesterday- nope, not playing.
He might be at the top of his cop profession now, but he’s the same entitled FW – as soon as he put that uniform on just after our first child was born, he felt entitled to make up for all the women he’d missed out on because he was such a nerdy mamas boy growing up.
I was tempted to ask him how it felt to look older than his own father these days.
Bad deeds show on people eventually.
Mind was a nerdy mama’s boy too. He also looks terrible and older than his age. I always say that as they age, people eventually end up with the face they deserve.
SMDH!
He was in need of free baby sitting. After all, weddings are expensive.
LMAO!
I got told in one of our last conversations before NC „I have done some research on the internet and I think I have helper syndrome.“ …. Coming from a man who has never volunteered or donated to charity. If by helper syndrome, you mean FW syndrome, then yes! Rewind 2 weeks with the trickle truth that he did not tell me he was „meeting a friend“ (slut) working at a ski resort, because she was going through a terrible time with her mean husband (recently trying to conceive a child) and slut swore FW to secrecy. FW helped her find the job there to get away from mean husband (who still liked all her social media posts). FW also told me he was consulting her on which guy she should cheat with (Let me guess…). She is very fragile and FW was her only friend. FW felt so overwhelmed with her problems – um tell the crazy b**** to see a psychologist instead of your dick. He was afraid to tell me because I would ask questions. I insisted we see a marriage counsellor. She told him it is a betrayal of our marriage and my trust to put another woman‘s secret ahead of telling his wife the truth. YES! After that meeting, he suggested we talk with a different neutral party like his sister (super narc). HA! But my eyes were wide open. You really can’t make this BS up. Another couple of great quotes from FW (I took endless notes in the 3 weeks between DDay and NC) „Why do I need to show empathy towards other people?“ and „I made a decision to lie, you were already suspicious of me and I was just helping a friend“. Thank you CL and CN, couldn‘t have made it without you!
dear CL, my post was up for moderation and has now disappeared. wondering?
#damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
Klootzak never admitted anything. But “He saved her with his dick!” has me laughing so hard.
Klootzak’s latest orifice was engaged to him in the late 90s. They live together for several years and then she dumped him. She waited for him to return from sea (he was a sailor), showed up late to pick him up, had destroyed his car running it without oil, and then literally packed her shit in front of him and left. He claimed she never said why. He always referred to her as the crazy bi0tch. He talked about how slovenly she was and was a horrible cook so he always had to cook the meals. But she was built like a tall skinny prepubescent and was apparently good in the sack so I guess the crazy didn’t bother him. I had assumed she had developed better taste in men. She married late in life and divorced a few years later. Based on social media, her former husband was her prop for social media pics. He never looked happy and she was always pasted in fake smiles.
When we were married (well, still are I guess as this divorce drags on), he preserved every memento he could of that relationship. I only realize it now in hindsight. I thought he was just cheap and reluctant to get rid of old things. But the old things were all the things he bought with her. Cheap barstools, an ancient vacuum, a futon, etc. I didn’t attribute these items to being related to her but now I realize they were. And now he is with her once again and she has brought her crazy back into his life. And he has brought his. Match made in hell. If only she had married him in 1999 and spared me the misery.
So I suppose maybe K would think now that his magical dick is saving her from the loneliness of a 50+ year old single woman. He must have hit a special level of desperation to dig her up. It’s all for the Greater Good!
Reading these posts and recalling a comment somewhere on this blog about the variety of FWs got me thinking.
It seems to me all/most FW are variants of the narcissistic personality disordered: grandiose, covert, antagonistic, communal, malignant.
Different flavors of the same s**sandwich with no empathy for others plus an extreme selfishness.
Mine doesn’t hail from Planet NPD FW. For which I am thankful, I honestly don’t know how other chumps cope with the NPD FW lifeforms. Apart from being courageous, strong, and Mighty!
My husband’s sister got together with her current husband when they were both married to other people (from what I could discern, they also spent a good deal of time throwing their “great love” in everyone else’s face, including their respective spouses, but that’s a whole other story). I of course, having been chumped twice, can’t stand to be with either of them but DH wants to stay in touch with his sister because he’s estranged from his other living sibling so here we are. [I manage by treating myself to a good-sized edible before interacting with them.] DH excuses them by saying that “they were both in bad marriages” and opines that BIL rescued her from an intolerable situation. Such chivalry, huh? I guess I’m supposed to admire both of them or something. I’m not sure about that – she’s extremely naive and he’s over 20 years older than she is (pushing 90, with signs of early dementia), brimming with anger issues, and has a house full of loaded, unsecured guns. What could go wrong? I’m waiting uneasily for that particular shoe to drop. Meanwhile, I keep my interactions with them to a minimum and refuse to go to their house.
Yes, he actually told me he was “helping her” and that it was “the correct moral choice.” I don’t know if he really believed that or he was just hoping I would believe it. I did not. (and I don’t care what he believed : P )
Mine claimed he’d have “no problem” finding someone better than me because I was “useless.” I went no contact during the divorce process, and then email-only during closeout, so I was somewhat in the dark. However, I knew about some of his “interests,” including a premarital girlfriend who was a long-term stalker and reported a homewrecker several times over. Something happened there, and it did not last. And there were others that he told me he was “helping.” He had vague evening appointments when I tried to schedule phone calls that worked with my schedule. He was retired, and I was working three part-time jobs. During the divorce process and afterwards, I heard about others from various sources.
Not one of them sounded like someone I had anything in common with or someone that I’d enjoy getting to know. Thankfully, the kids were older, so no custody issues. I doubt he found “greater good.”
My older attorney assured me that people like my STBX trade down and look for a measure of control over the situation that an emotionally healthy person is not going to tolerate. Yup…have fun with that.
In the throes of his hooker habit FW believed a prostitute brothel madame was “better” than the ivy league educated wife who worked the entire marriage on top, supported his career tirelessly, while doing the lion’s share of childcare. She wasn’t the only one he was screwing of course.
There’s another FW on here similar story who called the AP his “sole mate” [sic].
Funny that bottom of the shoe scum is an apt description of them
I have limited details, but reportedly, his most recent lady-love was what someone familiar with the situation called “the bottom of the barrel.”
Well, not my committee, is it?
My FW let me know on his way out the door after disclosing the affair that this would be “good for the kids” because their father could finally be happy.
He walked 50 ft downhill to our guest house, where Princess Sparkletwat was staying as a “guest.” FW had moved her in a couple of months prior under the false pretenses that she was a friend who was escaping a dangerous ex-boyfriend. They are still living there now, nearly a year later, while the divorce drags on.
As it turns out, this arrangement is NOT good for the teenage kids. They know exactly what happened and dislike PST intensely. And are beyond pissed at FW because (among other things) he never wants to spend any time with them without PST in tow.
And wouldn’t you know it, he’s not really that happy either. I hear the two of them having screaming fights and slamming doors about every other day.
I will be very happy when this stupid divorce is done and I can be far, far away from the ongoing train wreck that FW has created. I know the kids have a longer and harder road dealing with a dysfunctional father who they love but dislike at the same time. That honestly makes me more sad than any crap I have to deal with.
Moving his Fbuddy into a property on your land is a GHASTLY thing to do !! I would have likely thought it was such a blessing to have a guest house, but him pulling this stunt would make me forever regretful of even having it.
Im sorry for your kids being exposed to all this crap, but I (forever hopeful for a sincere wreckonsillyation) never told my kids and Cheater died, so if I told them now, I would look petty and bitter. I think starting out with the kids knowing is a much better position to be in.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
-Maya Angelou
Why should you telling your truthful lived experiences make you look petty and bitter? I wouldn’t continue in such agony
Your Maya quote is very validating and I feel in my guts why it is true.
I created a false narrative (about their dad being a decent-enough human) with my kids back even before the worst of the storm when he had a side-chick (Susan of Seattle). I pretended that the rager would someday realize he was mean and stop being so.
I was deeply influenced with hopium for our little family and too scared for too long. Ironically, I had an escape fund and was finally ready to tell him (living away at the time) to never come home again but on the very call where I was prepared to tell him so, he said “Im coming home”.
We had a long, mostly unhappy wreckonsillyation and in it, I again finally gave up and told God that I released him from any expectations or hopes, he was free to go whereever would make him happy. He dropped dead about a week later.
One of my kids knows all of it and (he can be the hardest of my 3 in some ways) has frank conversations with me about it which are startlingly refreshing. The other 2 made it clear a few years ago that they were not at all interested in reviewing Cheaters shortcomings.
Were 13 years out from his death and one of these 2 and I were speaking recently and they said that in the midst of their loss, they were unready to admit to themselves that none of us deserved the dreadful behavior he subjected us to. This came out of the blue for me. We may be in a new phase of maturity and growth (I hope so) where they are ready to learn enough truth to allow the life they had with him in it makes a little more sense.
I don’t know your relationship with your kids. Why would telling them have you “look” a certain way? Wouldn’t they learn what you’ve been carrying alone for so long, and have compassion?
This is so disgusting that I don’t have words to describe how I feel about it.
I have a white knight minded FW also. He “saved” a much younger office manager from unwanted sexual advances of (another) creepy old married co worker. He literally threw his body in the way to valiantly prevent a full blown workplace sexual harassment by (another) co worker. When I suggested she’d be smart to sue both creeps, FW did not register my suggestion. OW is our daughter’s age and I guess FW would love for someone to be there for her to “save” in this manner if she were in such a vulnerable spot.
Drop Kick informed me that his affair with his secretary had been good, because he’d taught her how to be a better parent to her autistic daughter.
My exFW told me that he went to a stripper to “get the image of the AP out of his head”. This was a GOOD thing, he told me earnestly, because it helped him heal from his hoe-worker. He needed to dry hump a stripper in order to erase the AP from his mind and he did all of this just for me. I’m so lucky. What a guy!
Wow. There are no words here. What an idiot!
I guess she tried to spin it as a positive for me as she said that men fawn over her, she’s flirtatious, and I had a poverty-mindset, and ended it with, “aren’t you glad I am divorcing you because I want to have multiple affairs?”
Mine told me she was sorry things turned out this way, but it was really what she needed to get her life together and she wouldn’t have changed anything! My safety and emotional well being were just collateral damage for her character development.
The “character development” being… AP’s rich mommy is paying for FW to go through dental school. FW overcame her debilitating anxiety that kept her from working for three years, guys! She just needed to be away from the evil, demanding harpy who begged her to get a job because they couldn’t take on any more debt to make ends meet while she flirted with her online friends all day.