Feeling Alone in a Couples World
She’s feeling alone around couples. Her divorce isn’t final and she doesn’t know any other divorced people.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m on day 52 of living alone. Soon-to-be-ex-husband is out of the house and there is no contact by court order. I’ve kept busy with friends, none of whom are divorced.
I have not one friend who is or ever was divorced.
I find myself being hypervigilant and all I see are couples together. This observation leads me to feeling so alone. I have no idea where to start to move on. How do I meet a better mate when the pool of “good men” is so shallow?
Chump37
***
Dear Chump37
Imagine a world in which you don’t have to be coupled to be a worthwhile human being. How would you live your life if you had total certainty that you would never, ever be part of a couple?
Would you give up on life? Would you stop doing the things you enjoy? Never leave the house? Never make new friends? Stop petting puppies or eating ice cream?
Shift your thinking. Stop focusing on what you aren’t.
You were a person before you were a couple.
You weren’t a couple zygote. Just a blob of potential waiting to meet its Other Half. (Although yes, I realize a millennia of women were socialized that way.)
YOU WERE A COMPLETE HUMAN.
You’re still a complete human! It is zero loss in status to be uncoupled unless you inflict that mindfuck on yourself.
This is easy for you to say, Tracy, from your lofty perch of coupledom.
I don’t have a repository of Good Men at my disposal to hand out like party favors. I had to go to Texas for mine. Which is some kind of Orpheus in the Underworld love story, except instead of Hades, it’s Lockhart, Texas. But Texas is hotter. And I imagine hell smells better than petroleum and brisket.
The point is, my unlikely romance came at considerable risk and its own set of losses. (Sweaters! Peonies! Democracy!) Mr. CL had to be exceptionally exceptional to make me give up my full life of hard-won sanity and safety. No regrets, but I don’t think of this move as, “Hurrah! I’m finally legitimate! I have a husband!”
Stop comparing yourself.
In the early days of grief, feeling alone around couples is normal. You are un-coupling, so the contrast stings. But this comparison “I am single and worthless, they are coupled and happy” is you hurting yourself.
First off, there is no avoiding the world’s couples. They’re a significant portion of the population. Second, you have no idea about the quality of those relationships. They could be blissfully content, or they could on Ashley Madison fucking strange. You have enough weight on your shoulders without taking on the world’s relationship status. Stop thinking about it.
I’ve kept busy with friends, none of whom are divorced
They’re just your friends, RIGHT? Their relationship status doesn’t matter. BECAUSE THEY ARE WHOLE PEOPLE. You don’t want them to think of you as Chump My Divorced Loser Friend. So don’t think of them as Betty and Lisa My Married Friends.
I have not one friend who is or ever was divorced.
That’s quite an accomplishment, given that half of marriages end in divorce. Perhaps you are in your early 20s, or live in the Philippines. (The only country without divorce.)
Consider this a challenge to make new friends. Maybe join a divorce care group, or find an online community of fellow losers on the Island of Misfit Toys. MIGHTY PEOPLE who left cheaters.
This is just a window in time. Your social circle right this minute is not your social circle forever.
Gain a life.
I have no idea where to start to move on.
What do you like to do? Who were you before you got married? What was she interested in? Start there. I cannot give you a road map on this, because everyone’s gain a life assignment is different. You want me randomly making up homework? Learn bridge! Take up clock repair! Adopt a war orphan!
Just MOVE in the general direction of something (anything!) and start building your life. Cultivate that interesting person. Be the kind of person someone wants to sit next to at a dinner party. Take an interest in others.
It may be that you’re just grieving your marriage now, and that’s okay. You’ll be ready for socializing and life building later. Let it suck. But don’t make it suck more by comparing yourself to couples. Big ((hugs))
I can relate. When I began my divorce, I only knew two other people who had divorced. During this journey, I have been vulnerable and that has opened the door to knowing so many people who are divorced and happily single, are divorcing, or divorced and remarried. I am currently enjoying the freedom of being uncoupled. Chump37, I gently challenge you to reframe your thinking. Your energy is now solely your own and not dependent upon satisfying an empty relationship. (And being a crazy cat lady is way better than living with a cheater!)
And 52 days from kicking out a cheater is still the early days. You need to take time to recover from this trauma. Gaining a life takes time. Give yourself some space to grieve.
You are complete human as Tracy says, no one gets to define who and what you are, only you. All my friends are married, so what! I have been able to peak behind the curtain of many relationships and I glad I am not in one. I have been single, and I do mean single for 2 1/2 years now and I am getting used to it and starting to enjoy it. Some of it is the state I live in is pretty remote and has a low population, and the other is the dating pool needs some bleach applied to it. Are there times of loneliness? Yes, but those are fleeting.
I find community and engage in numerous cheap and free hobbies, and will go back to school.
Yes, it is a couples’ world. In my church, those who preach and teach talk that way from the pulpit. Currently, they are doing a “family God’s way” theme at the midweek service. Given my situation and age, I’m not going. It would be triggering. Certain couple friends from church we had when we were married drifted away because I guess Elsie alone wasn’t the same as Elsie plus the jerk.
A lot of my adult kids’ friends have been getting married lately, and we’ve been to a lot of weddings. That was hard at first, but I’m fine now. At one of them, the preacher who married the couple said, “Invest in your marriage so you don’t have to invest in a divorce lawyer.” Gosh, that was a horrid, unrealistic comment. As if all of my investment in my marriage could have saved it.
The key for me was to look for other friends, and I’m fine. I invited various people for coffee and local events and ended up with some core people. Some of them are married, and some are not. My adult kids are also in the area, and we do things together. I have work friends and friends from my volunteer work. It’s all good.
I think many churches actually idolize marriage, many in the church still look at divorced people as failures, regardless of how it happened. I think some of this would change if they actually practiced church discipline. The other problem I have is many of the single ministries are geared towards getting young people married, never the older and divorced ones.
Our long-term church put my STBX under church discipline for taking off, but he didn’t care. He was already off at the beach living the single life.
The church leadership recommended that I give it at least a year before making any big decisions, which I did, but I didn’t consult them at all when I ended relationship discussions. He completely blamed them for that, which was insane. He thought that I was completely wrecked by his departure and that they were pulling the strings. I only met with them a handful of times. They suggested email updates when anything changed because I was making solid decisions, which I did.
It’s a small church, and there’s one other divorced man there. A few people have tried to encourage me to get to know him, and I am not at all interested. His marriage broke up because of alcohol, and reportedly, he may or may not be sober. He’s a MAGA guy, and I am not.
Many of the sermons I’ve sat in also focus on marriage but hardly ever on singleness and I do feel that more can be preached on that topic. We are just as worthy, precious, and loved being single just the same than if we were in a relationship.
One time, someone at church was really plying me with all of the advantages of marriage; I guess that they were not quite getting what I had been through, maybe thinking that my ex had just taken off and that I was eager to pair up again like, “Oh, well, next.”
I pointed out that the Apostle Paul actually said, “I wish you were like me, but…” There is NOTHING wrong with being single. Nothing.
Yes and St. Paul also told husbands to “love your wives as Christ loves the Church” which means being prepared to die for their wife, they love them that much. I’d say that’s the opposite of committing adultery and betraying the wife, wouldn’t you!
If anything, cheats “love” their wives like Judas “loved” Jesus! Not what we signed up for when we made our vows, that!
There’s a good reason God put the commandment against adultery straight after the one against murder and these sorts who think a marriage is more important that the people in it need to be reminded of that! God knew what He was doing!
In fairness i think that’s good advice, people do tend to get lazy once married.
But unfortunately it requires investment from both, and cheating douchebags aren’t investing.
You couldn’t do it alone and neither could the rest of us.
I agree, and you won’t change a person with no integrity, but for us regular folks a little talk about how important fidelity is and why infidelity tears apart marriages should be a part of the conversation in any marriage talk.
Many won’t listen, but I am betting some will.
My ex said at several points that I had contributed nothing to his life and that he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. He even said that to his attorney. That came up in the divorce, and my attorney said, “You don’t strike me as the type. I think you gave your all to this marriage.” Yes, I even overcompensated.
My ex was neglectful in significant ways for years, leading to the split, and then put me on the love-hate-love cycle until I didn’t know what was up. Then he made me responsible for the divorce (of course). Never mind the depth of his games and the secret sexual basement. I could not safely be a good spouse to him anymore, and I refused to reconcile. We divorced.
I had just turned 58 at the time divorce from Traitor Ex was finalized. I realized I had been in the orbit of a man since I was twelve years old. Yikes! I am currently very happily single and very aware that I am not healed enough to be in a relationship. I am still learning about who I am, and completely enjoying doing whatever I want. In the beginning it was hard to be around couples and families, but I know that rain falls on everyone. I was in one of my favorite stores yesterday and overheard 1/2 of a couple say to the other, “Do we need a blanket for the living room couch?” I was not the least bit envious. I have yet to finish my making vision board and bucket list. A relationship is not on it. Dating apps are not for me. If I ever meet someone, it will be in the natural course of living the life I want to live as I am doing what I want to do.
Everyone has issues and every relationship has issues. I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with anyone’s issues but my own and my daughter’s at this time in my life, when we are both very clearly still healing from what Traitor Ex did. We’re in year seven. Healing takes a long time and I do not recommend ignoring that process and prematurely getting into another relationship. It’s better to be healed and whole than skip over it. Ultimately you’ll make a better choice that way.
Take this time to heal completely so you are OK and strong on your own. It will be easier to end a future relationship if it’s not working for you.
A relationship will never again be my Christmas tree. It will be an ORNAMENT on my Christmas tree.
❤️
Couldn’t agree more. Like you I was always with a man, always. Serial monogamy for 45+ years. Lots of therapy later and I know why now (abandoned by two fathers). I am learning to live as a single woman and its mostly great. I love my autonomy and the time and energy I have for myself and the people around me. When I get the odd yearning to be coupled again, I just sit with the feeling rather than fight it, and it passes. I remind myself that no state in life is permanently happy and everyone experiences what the Buddhists call Dhukka. Dhukka is most frequently translated as suffering but is closer to “dissatisfaction with the way things are” and is part of the human condition. There are various hacks that Buddhism has developed to deal with this feeling, starting with mindfulness meditation. Fascinating stuff and I would rather spend my time exploring this than dating.
“I was in one of my favorite stores yesterday and overheard 1/2 of a couple say to the other, “Do we need a blanket for the living room couch?” I was not the least bit envious.”
Those kinds of couple conversations make me thrilled to be single. I don’t want to have to run any decision I make by anyone ever again. I love the freedom that comes from being able to decide every little minutiae of my life without consulting a significant other. Every move I make is mine. After over thirty years of doing it, I am DONE and I am absolutely loving the freedom.
I have to say, lonely as it gets sometimes, I do NOT miss weapons being drawn over Wall to Wall Carpeting vs. Hardwood Floors. They do NOT prepare you for that when you start to cohabitate!
…the word is GRIEF.
I learned a lot about grief when I went to grief-specific therapy after my first profound loss, at age 28 when my father died. Many people are not taught anything about grief. People want to avoid it, deny it, rush it. I now think of it as a very sacred chapter of life that I want to respect. I have been clean and sober since 1986, without cigarettes since 1990, and it’s a miracle that I haven’t even thought about any of those things since Traitor Ex dropped the A bomb (affair). I also have not dated (a relationship was also one of my “solutions” that no longer works). Lots of therapy, lots of twelve-step meetings, lots of pain, lots of fear, lots of anger, but I can tell you truthfully that I am extremely grateful I am walking (crawling?) through this without those tranquilizers and counterfeit pleasures.
I often think about others going through the same or worse. It could be someone I know or someone I don’t know. Celine Dion is on my mind a lot these days. Not one dollar of all the money she has is going to bring back her husband or cure the disease she has. I have lots of company in the life boat. I have a pretty good seat compared to some. Some people have better seats than I. I get courage to keep going and face how I feel, not run away from it, from other people’s stories, from my mates in the lifeboat.
I can also honestly say that walking through this experience being as present as possible has given me the ability to help others. Infidelity is very sadly a very common experience, and I truly want to be able to help someone genuinely heal and if I go the route of ineffective shortcuts, I won’t be able to do that.
If your leg is broken, you are forced to wait until it heals completely before you can walk again. The wounds caused by infidelity are not visible, so denial is easier. But just like the broken leg, you’ll prevent healing and actually prolong the healing process if you deny the wounds and act as if the wounds aren’t there.
If you Google “NPR grief”, lots of good information comes up.
One of the things I have realized since the end of the MIRAGE (not marriage) is that I have not loved myself very well, in terms of behavior (love as a verb, actions) or how I feel about myself (feelings follow actions, FYI). That is the priority skill for me to learn and practice, and I don’t feel like I am qualified to be in a relationship until I get an A in that. If I don’t love myself (actions), there isn’t anything or anyone that is going to make up for that. I believe now that I didn’t love me, so I picked someone who agreed with me, and I wanted him to do it, and when he left, that void was still there because it always my commitment to fulfill, not anyone else’s.
I truly believe if I had loved myself more I would have left a long time ago. I would certainly not have encouraged a friend to stay married to someone with some of the behavior he exhibited.
I can also say today that while I still manage the wound with its varying degrees of pain, anger, and fear, I could not be more grateful we are divorced.
I call my situation “divorce with special circumstances”, the special circumstances being infidelity. It creates a very complicated grief experience, with lots of layers. It’s very different from loss because someone dies. I have a friend who was dealing with her husband’s infidelity and then he took his life. She is reeling and considers me the one friend she can talk to, which I consider an honor (and I owe a debt of gratitude to Tracy and Chump Narion for being able to share what I thankfully learned here.).
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/12/20/1056741090/grief-loss-holiday-brain-healing
Encouraging comment, VH.
❤️
I get the loneliness and feeling different than. I was married/coupled for almost 32 years. But the more you focus on yourself the better life gets and more content. I know people who divorced and immediately dove into relationships. Most are not happy or now parted. Stop thinking of it as a status or a comparison.
I’ve shared here before that I had two friends in their 60’s who remarried around the COVID period. Both had to leave quickly because of the threats of violence. One is divorced, and one is separated and in the waiting period.
Some years before, another friend remarried a few years after her divorce. She admitted later that was in a vulnerable state, and basically only dated him a few months before eloping. He had been divorced for a decade. They had a lot of problems adjusting to each other and told me not long ago that they are finally in a smooth spot in their relationship after being married for eight years now.
Not sure I want to try to beat the odds that way. I agree that once you get life figured out alone, it really isn’t that bad.
Two months is early days. Very early days! You are still in the acute phase of grieving the loss of the identity you had as a married person. Of course you are acutely aware that you alone of your friends are divorced–we tend to cluster with those who share our own social worlds.
When I moved out of the marital home and divorced my husband, after thirty-five years of marriage, a lot of my married friends would come over for some “woman friend” time, and when they left I was always acutely aware they were going home to a partner. Even though I knew their marriages weren’t perfect, and in some cases I thought their spouses didn’t appreciate them or were sandbags my friends had to carry, I was focused on the fact that my friends were going home to someone, and had someone to go home to.
I have been divorced now for over five years. Because for the four years immediately after my divorce I moved into the role of caretaker for my mother and executor of her estate I am in some ways only now in a position to process a lot of my feelings about my divorce. Caring for my mother altered the grieving process after I left my now-ex, which was helpful in that I couldn’t dwell on it, but after my mom died I have found that together with grieving her a lot of processing of my marriage and my ex’s actions and their effects on me was still waiting for me.
I still see these friends, either out at lunch or for wine or at my house–always my house because they have spouses at theirs. While they’re here, I have noticed I sometimes find myself privately aghast at how much of our conversation and their attention and lives revolve around their spouses, and are limited by a spouse’s demands or health. Listening to them unburden themselves, I am relieved that I am no longer married to my ex, that I am not subject to the same demands they are, and although when they leave I’m still aware they’re going home to a partner, I am also very glad when they go home that I can return to my peaceful life (which does happily include a cat).
It is hard to remake a life, to remake your expectations, goals, and plans to include only yourself. One way to start to “move on” (as you put it), is to seek out experiences for yourself that can help heal you and in which you engage as a person on your own, whether it’s a solitary activity, a group activity, or one that you practice solo while in a group (an exercise class, yoga, tai chi, pilates, a walking or hiking group, or a class in something you have always enjoyed, like drawing, painting, quilting, woodworking).
What I did as a single person:
Learned French.Volunteered in a very visible way.Got in great physical shape.Lived in Paris.Went to graduate school (and finished, in my 50s).Renovated my house.I’m about to start a new career. All this and much more because I am not draining my energy on a jackhole. It is most definitely NOT my experience that it is a couple’s world. At all.
I’m in the process of divorcing my husband. I can tell you that I was never as alone when single as I was married to a narcissist (diagnosed.) My God, the loneliness and and pain of being married to someone who doesn’t give two shits about you! I can hardly wait to be free.
Like CL points out, it’s statistically unusual that Chump37’s network of friends includes no single or divorced people which suggests the network is a bit homogeneous, possibly selectively so. Though I hope that’s not the case, there’s a chance that Chump37 might find these relationships cooling as time goes on and she explores her newfound freedom.
If that’s the situation, the concern is that this could put extra pressure on Chump37 to prematurely “couple up” as soon as possible in order to avoid falling out with married friends. But since cheating is abuse and abuse survivors face a reported 50% statistical risk of ending up with yet another abuser if they launch into a subsequent relationship too quickly following traumatic experience, resisting social or self-generated pressure to do so is probably a good idea.
Part of resisting that pressure is taking the time and emotional space to genuinely heal. Because of this, it may help to “dilute” any social or internally-generated pressure to get hitched and hedge bets against social isolation to seek out contacts among single and divorced people who are going through something similar, not only for the support this can provide but also to see that many are living their best lives and having a great time. Doing this isn’t about consciously planning to remain single forever but it’s sort of an axiom that people who learn to be happy with themselves are more likely to eventually form successful long term partnerships.
As a side note, I really don’t know why survivors of relationship abuse face such a high risk of ending up with another abuser. Most bystanders would probably take a victim-blaming view of the statistics– that it means survivors are subconsciously “seeking out” abuse or whatever due to personality issues that existed even prior to intimate partner abuse. But personally I think it has more to do with a kind of general social protection racket dynamic that many survivors end up in after escaping abuse and may actually have nothing to do with victims’ ingrained personality flaws. From the time I worked in advocacy for victims of DV, here are some of the typical “dynamics” I noticed that survivors of abuse face following escape:
1) Post separation abuse from former abusers is very common so, rather than experiencing “post-traumatic stress,” many abuse survivors face continuing, active trauma for long periods following separation. Trying to heal from this is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Furthermore, many bystanders– even helping professionals– don’t understand the phenomenon of post-separation abuse, may lose patience and become judgmental towards survivors (for not “getting over it” soon enough) and may withdraw support which increases the risk of social isolation. Then the feeling of isolation coupled with this interminable sense of feeling stressed and unsafe can make it tempting for survivors to wish for a handy “body guard” and fall for the overtures of a “rescuer.”
2) While some people are helpful in good faith, unfortunately one of the main disguises that abusers wear is the “hero” mask. If you think about it, it’s a pragmatic way for an abuser to snag a fabulous partner (prey) who would otherwise be out of their league if it weren’t for the fact that the target had experienced recent trauma and misfortune and was proverbially “limping.” But I think the main reason evil people typically disguise themselves as heroes is more basic than that: in the animal world, predators often disguise themselves as something harmless or even attractive to prey since it helps them evade detection and/or consequences.
3) What makes a faux-rescuer’s campaign more successful is the sad fact that, when it comes to social response to recent victims of intimate abuse, “nice people” often aren’t nice enough which gives the fakers a chance to shine in comparison.
In other words, victims being entrapped by yet another abuser may have more to do with societal issues and bystanders’ ignorance or biases regarding the reality of domestic abuse. So again, one way to hedge bets against these dynamics is to actively seek support from those who do understand. That would include support networks for victims of abuse and coercive control which, as the trauma clouds clear, most chumps will eventually realize they were subjected to in the course of being betrayed.
Whether for the sake of true healing or to protect against being secondarily preyed upon, getting experienced support is the best course of action following abuse of any kind. It even makes sense from the perspective that abuse causes social injury so the best remedy will be social healing. Coming to CN is a great first step and I wish Chump37 strength and eventual joy in the time to come.
Agree fully. Thanks for the deep dive.
I do have happily married friends and they are an inspiration after all of this “chump” stuff.
What has been interesting for me is as I tell my story more(I was very picky about who I talked to about it until more recently) I am learning more and more-a lot of the people I knew had very brief marriages that did not work out that they never talked about or otherwise are in one and in either heat death and are actively contemplating divorce. I had a particularly enlightening supervision with an employee at work about the dissolution of his marriage and how he is happily single.
It has actually blown my mind when friends tell me how much they genuinely envy me-both because the abuse is finally over and because well…I’m free. I mean…thanks I guess? Still very much in the morass phase of things but things are looking up.
Differing value systems, I suppose. I always wanted kids and never had that blessing visited upon me. I don’t get the same “I have AMAZING kids” rider that a lot of people in our position have. There is still the time for that…I hope.
I am glad I didn’t jump right back in and have taken time to heal. I can’t be the partner I want to be right now and don’t want to inflict more than my regular level of bullshit on the population.
I think about this a lot, since I ended up with a FW who chumped and abused me in nearly identical ways as my father chumped and abused my mother. I was certainly not looking for a doppelganger of my father, but darned if it didn’t turn out that way. The notion that abuse victims are “seeking out” abusers is an absurd misunderstanding by bystanders, as you say. For me, personally, I think two major things happened that could give the appearance of “seeking out” abuse, and those things jibe with what you explain.
First is trauma bonding. I developed a lifelong set of habits in early childhood of trying to get the attention of my unpleasable narcissist father, as did my mother. I have tried my best to identify and correct these habits, but there is a sense among people growing up in these environments of “this is just what relationships are like.” Indeed, I was in a long, relatively healthy, relationship before my ex where my GF, who was very nice, felt “clingy” to me. It’s almost as if her attention and care seemed alien to me, when it was just … attention and care – something I hadn’t experienced.
Second is the predation, which you refer to. Narcissist FWs have a predator’s inherent instinct to detect, identify, and seek out vulnerable people for relationships. I had literally just ended things with my nice GF when my exFW pounced. I put up some initial barriers (“I just ended a relationship and I don’t want to get into another one”), but she persisted undeterred. I was vulnerable, and I was too young to realize what I was getting into.
Other books that have helped me post-divorce, besides LACGAL, are How to Not Die Alone, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and F*ck Feelings. Each have been good sources in trying to reorient my thinking and understand difficult people, where they come from, how to avoid/deal with them, etc.
CDC– I’m a big sustainable shopper partly for political and ecological reasons (sweatshop slavery, synthetic fibers in amniotic fluid, fast fashion refuse mountains, etc.) and partly for economical and safety reasons because it’s possible to get high end, beautifully made nontoxic/noninjurious stuff that lasts forever for peanuts merely because it was taken out of the box or there’s one little fixable flaw.
In that sense, I can shop “out of my league.” I think the same principle applies to abusers but for darker reasons in the sense they “shop” for partners who might otherwise be above the abuser’s relative “partner value” (at the very least because most victims are not fellow abusers) except the abuser used the target’s recent difficulty as an opening to play rescuer and/or relied on the target being a bit bamboozled due to past or recent misfortune.
The idea of victims having “higher mate value” could sound like it contradicts the idea that abusers seek vulnerability, but in a roundabout way, the two ideas aren’t irreconcilable. In any case, the concept of the “fabulous target” is supported by statistics since, contrary to the old-timey theory that victims of abuse always suffered from pre-abuse self esteem issues or dysfunction, DV expert Lenore Walker found something surprising– that, if anything, abuse survivors tended to skew towards higher than average pre-abuse self esteem. More than average also had careers prior to abuse.
That doesn’t mean that issues arising from FOO dynamics won’t sometimes complicate things for survivors, it just means that victims come from all walks and their childhood backgrounds or long standing “issues” aren’t the driving overall cause of abuse. The cause of abuse is abusers. It also suggests that the latter– like hunters– very in their taste in prey with some preferring “big game.” But being cowardly frauds, the easiest way for a human predator to bag a tiger skin rug trophy is to find a target that’s limping a bit whether from very recent or past challenges.
That’s what we called it in advocacy– the “limping tiger” effect. Clearly your ex saw her big chance to transcend her human-value pay grade. It might have as much to do with your then-recent breakup as it did with past stuff. On the theory that a lot of abusers are narcissists and narcissists are invariably status climbers, I imagine abusers probably don’t care whether a target had deeper issues stemming from childhood or was just a bit turned around from recent setbacks if it gives them an entry point to pursue someone who might otherwise see through and rightfully reject them.
p.s. It’s also possible to have a fear of clinginess in a partner due to shit that happens to us as adults. It can sadly be a case of those who are early being punished for those who are late. I developed a bit of hinkiness towards anyone who seemed to commit too fast because of my sense that creeps tend to rush things. Consequently, I might have put off a few sincere types simply because they showed a little too much vulnerability early on even if vulnerability in a good person might simply stem from lack of experience, not necessarily some twisted attachment disorder.
The fact abusers tend to bio-mimic integrity or innocence makes everything bloody confusing, especially when we’re really young.
This is very true, the amount of disruption they cause after when disordered is a gift that keeps on giving. Even when you’re on your game and holding boundaries, gray rocking, and no contact as much as possible, they will still get to you sometimes.
After DD this was true for me too and I worried all my married friends would think DD was contagious. 6 years later and my 3 closest friends are now divorced. I’m a little jealous bc they divorced on their own terms without the trauma of discovering a FW. I am hoping that their—today is a great day bc I woke up without my ex’s toenails on the nightstand—mantras rub off on me. But PTSD makes it hard to celebrate even 6 years later. Take it slow Chump 37! Hugs to you!
Join a new hobby! Bonus if it is geared towards women or older women.
A knitting circle, women’s reading group, Rugby, Roller Derby, Sailing, library or museum friends groups, volunteering, and Women’s Outdoors Groups (USA States often have Becoming an Outdoors Women Programs, and NY accepts and hosts nonresidents in a gorgeous resort in the mountains on a lake.)
Whatever interests you now, start investing in it. I found that when I was newly single, being around a variety of other women was healing—everyone from anxious newlyweds and single independent professionals to older women who have had multiple husbands due to either death or divorce. Just the sheer variety of life stories and seasons everyone had been through or was experiencing truly let me appreciate where I was right at that moment. Once, a retired park ranger with several sets of Great-Grandchildren told me, “Treasure this time; it’s one of the few times you just get to focus on your life and those you value most. Not some Partner’s. You get to lay the foundation now of what comes next, AND enjoy an apartment that stays exactly as clean as you want it to be.”
Start embracing the freedoms that com with being single. Travel, take spontaneous day trips, and enjoy a luxurious long brunch in the sun at your favorite cafe with a book and a mimosa. Start asking yourself what YOU want to do.
Chumpgirl KC– do we live next door? Ha! Yes it is glorious on my own. I only had 2 years between first cheater and second cheater so between them, I was married 46 years. NEVER EVER ALONE! I have told all the Swiss friends who are now circling back after abandoning me as well…. all the Swiss couples– that I am not healed enough to enter into a friendship with them again. I saw who they were during my crisis and now I see them wanting to reconnect with me now that I am more stable. I had to blessing and miracle to see who my friends really were! It was a shock but now I know. My friends are not too many but they are gold and silver. God restores what he moved aside for my benefit. Don’t give up
I feel like there wasn’t quite enough info here, just they basic gist. She didn’t say how long she’d been married and didn’t give much background info.
But I personally feel the longer you were/are married/partnered, the longer it takes to get past the betrayal trauma. It was 26.5 years when my FW cheated and tore the marriage/family apart, and It has taken me 3 years just to accept that not only did it happen (although sometimes I am still in shock) but to also just accept that my life was forever changed by another person who made an informed, adult choice that would hurt me/family irrevocably. Not saying that if you had only been together 6 months, 2 years or 10 years even, that it would not still be traumatizing, because cheating does that immediately on D-Day, traumatizes you, but that maybe the longer you are with a person, the harder it is to reconcile the storm of grief, shock and information dump discovery brings, etc.
I had 2 cheater FW husbands, only married the first time for 9 years, and don’t remember it being this shocking or hard to move past it. But maybe that is because I moved on with FW #2 shortly after? I don’t know, for me, it just felt way harder the second time around possibly because we were together for so long. I thought for sure I knew who he was.
But from what Tracy and others here have said, it is normal to feel sad and alone at first, and that we guilt ourselves as if it were somehow our fault. So maybe the key is to remember no one deserves to be betrayed by someone who “loves” you, and it was not our fault. There is no magic recipe for moving forward other then one day, one step at a time, I guess. Some days are better than others, some days suck totally. But hoping one day it will all just fade away into background noise I don’t even notice anymore. Fingers crossed.
Having it happen twice must feel like you’ve just escaped the haunted house only to have a zombie hand reach up through the porch floor to grab your ankle. I think we humans tend to bargain with probability a bit and assume experience works like a shield and prevents bad things from happening more than once. Especially if we internalize the old timey victim-blaming message that we might have “drawn” abuse to ourselves the first time or ignored red flags, we might assume we’ve gained foresight and control. But it turns out that abuse and abusers are just dirt common and can vary in their initial disguises and how long it takes masks to drop.
I thought I would be in another relationship by now. Being in a relationship is all I’ve ever known. Prior to marriage, if I wasn’t in a full-blown relationship, I was dating around to find one because being coupled was the station in life I identified with most.
When my 40-year marriage ended it rocked me beyond belief. But what I wasn’t quite expecting was how much it also rocked the apple cart of all the couples we’d been so closely surrounded by. Surprising ‘sides’ were chosen, plans were cancelled, and Swiss suddenly became the most popular language of choice. I tried to navigate it all, but couldn’t. It was too painful, awkward, and dangerous. So, I found myself largely standing alone in an unimaginable pile of rubble that used to be my bedrock.
I decided to leave. I moved as fast and far away as my feet could take me. I relocated clear across the country to where my life started—promising myself that it would all be okay eventually because that was the place I’d be safe, supported, and able to find that next relationship—because all the key relationships in my life had started there.
I tried dating in that first year. It was disastrous, but I was undeterred. I kept throwing myself out there and not so surprisingly bleeding all over a bunch of people who hadn’t cut me. One such person, an old flame who I reconnected with, kindly suggested I stem the bleeding and spend some time figuring out who I was and what I wanted first.
I took his words to heart because although he shut the relationship door, he never shut the supportive friend door and his wise and unwavering counsel ended up being the catalyst for change I didn’t know I needed. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he too had been chumped a decade prior, and he well recognized the self-sabotaging quagmire I was operating in.
Fast forward 7 years to the day—today. He and I remain close friends, but that’s all it ever was, or will be because somewhere along the way to stem the bleeding, I finally figured out who I really am. And to do that, I made a new promise to myself to take romantic relationships off the table for a while, heal first and take whatever time it takes to get to know myself again.
It took time, but what I eventually discovered is how much I LOVE being on my own and living a life entirely of my own design. Yes, I am alone but seldom lonely because I’ve grown comfortable, content, and happy in my own skin. I’ve healed, gained an amazing life, and although I haven’t completely cut off the idea of having another relationship someday, I’m not out there looking for one anymore.
In fact, I completely stopped thinking about partnering again midway through my first year. I took the time to find my AGENCY again. And yes, I still have many coupled friends, but since it’s no longer a component to my happiness, I no longer think in those terms anymore. My friends are my friends—their relationship status isn’t a yardstick anymore.
Had you asked me 7 years ago where I would be–I never would have imagined this. The hopeless romantic becoming incandescently happy about being on my own. Yet here I am, still in the place where it all began, and so freaking proud and grateful of the fact that I am whole again…on my own terms.
Chump37—I can now recognize your self-sabotaging quagmire. From one former hopeless romantic to another, stem the bleeding and consider healing first. Spend some time getting acquainted with the woman who comes out the ‘other side’. Your results may vary and that’s okay. Even if your pendulum doesn’t swing so far in the opposite direction as mine, I promise, you won’t be sorry. You’ll end up happier, and much more capable of unearthing the true joys of a healthy relationship.
We have to lose our ‘Love Island’ mentality. In the Love Island reality show, people who aren’t coupled are at high risk of being voted off the Island. Let’s not make that our reality.
In reality we spend much of our life alone. There are whole groups of people who deal with this daily. My brother was a paraplegic and my daughter is disabled. The disabled, as a group, tend to have a harder time finding a social group and making friends.
There are other groups. As a single mother, I experienced the married mothers kind of turning their backs on me and actually making a physical circle to keep me out. That was 30+ years ago. I don’t know if this is still going on.
Now that I am past senior citizen, I see my brother and other older singles struggling with making friends. I don’t think he did anything social without his wife. Other siblings who have been singles for a long time don’t seem to be struggling with this. We make an effort to include him but he has no practice being single. He won’t respond to group texts.
Chump37,
I hear you. Gods, do I ever hear you!
I’m working on 11 months since D-Day/end of the relationship(my fuckwit was out inside of 10 days-her double life also had a secret relocation plan.) I know the feeling all too well-the walls tell stories and the castle you built together screams silently in its ruin. It has been particularly challenging lately as I start to reflect on “a year ago was the last time ________ was true” and whatnot-it’s been taxing to manage that and other issues right now. I felt like I was doing so well-but this is just another bump in the road.
We did a group birthday thing with my friends a couple of days after she finished moving out and everybody else was happy with their kids and I was the sad sack there alone. I was proud of myself-I didn’t break down crying until I got home.
It gets better. Easier but hasn’t gotten “easy.”
The day is rapidly coming where you will beat yourself up less in favor of taking a moral inventory-what were YOU getting out the relationship? And more importantly, what is it that you really want?
I have traditionally placed a lot of stock in the whole relationship…thing. I was the guy that couldn’t find a prom date, and the less that’s said about my dating in college the better. And well? It turned out that my grad school girlfriend was also dating most of the rest of the county.
Then came my fuckwit and the last 14 years of my life. I thought all of that goofy dating stuff was over until about a year ago(two if we’re being honest.) I thought I had just about everything. Ha!
And well…we’re kind of socialized toward coupledom and marriage, aren’t we?
I am starting to dig this whole “single” thing pretty heavily. I’ve had a lot more time to put into my hobbies and doing what I want to do judgment-free. It’s actually been…kind of liberating to not have to plan my life around her inability to…do pretty much anything other than aggrandize herself, it turns out. I’m not suddenly having to take PTO to take her to appointments. In fact I’ve called off from work less than ever with her gone because I can also more easily focus on my health. My diabetes is better managed than ever. If I didn’t know any better, the stress related to her and her bullshit was probably the nail in that particular coffin.
And I don’t have to quietly cancel things I want to do because I can’t get a straight answer about if she will go or not. If I want to go to a movie, a restaurant, the beach, etc and there is no work conflict? I go. And I don’t have to worry as much as about spending because it turned out she was not a significant input into finances to begin with-in fact without her using my credit cards because she is too lazy to cook I might actually be coming out ahead.
More importantly-I get to work on myself for myself. Not sanding away at some perceived defect she didn’t like about me so she would stick around. I did that and she cheated and left anyway. I have my problems. If you live in my head rent-free you really should consider moving to another, safer neighborhood.
I would like to start dating again…and my mind plays its tricks. It thinks it is ready. I know I am probably not good for much more than a cup of coffee and bad conversation as I sit here. And honestly? I think I deserve WAY BETTER than someone that will settle for that. And they deserve better than that from me. There are things I miss that were definitely healthy. There are other things that looking back on it that I only thought that I wanted. Either way, “no company” is better than “bad company.”
And trust me-your relationship probably looked pretty happy and fun to somebody, too. Not all is how it seems.
Have a Mighty Monday!
“And trust me-your relationship probably looked pretty happy and fun to somebody, too. Not all is how it seems.”
Exactly. Nobody but a few trusted family members knew how miserable I was with FW.
When I was in a roll- over high speed accident as a van passenger, on the highway, I hurt all over, bruised dazed in shock, sitting in the ER not knowing what happened to me. Was that time to make new friends? Time to look at everyone else who had not been in an accident and say HEY You with the sore throat, what are you doing in the ER looking all happy? NO WAY, it is not the time for that. I heard a sermon that included a bit of Buddhism saying how you have one arrow shot at you that pierces your soul, from what has happened, and then the second arrow we shoot at ourselves by making up horror stories of what will happen in the future or how awful it is going to be. We are so alone, so uncared for, so abandoned. It is true, that my divorce being 1 years old, that I look at all the couples and say, GEEZ WIZZ, that guy is a geezer but THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER!! Or they look SOOOO HAPPY but not me, I was ABANDONED!
I read Tracy every day, and I know that many couples out there are struggling, some have forgiven creepy cheaters, some think they got a genius back when their cheater is still using them. Centrality does not evaporate into the ether–it remains on the surface or underground. I see the stats and I KNOW that if I count all the couples into groups of 4- at least one out of 4 is cheating– at least that is what I read. Then note the couples where one is SICK and will need chronic care–what is that life like? Or the ones that merged families, like I did with #2 cheater. Guess what? I inherited some very challenging bed wetting step children and one elderly mentally ill father in law. But I LOOKED HAPPY and coupled– while I was struggling as my cheater also descended into the family mental illness. YOU DON’T KNOW HAPPY unless it is you.
So what have I done with my years post divorce and abandonment and cheater? Volunteered at a garden to help the food insecure. I met garden people. Volunteered another day at the food pantry- met food pantry nice people. Baby sit kids, Cook for a lady with dementia, walk, exercise, Moved to a 55 Plus building that has people right outside your door IF YOU WANT. So yes Im retired but I had a cheater at age 35 as well and he left for OW, so I had a job and I made NEW NICE FRIENDS who lifted my up and held my hand. You will find your stride, but right now it is TOO EARLY and you have a lot of focus on besides your state of singlehood. When you look back you will see that you lost nothing and that you will grow wings and will heal. Gratitude is the key here and time.
Go in peace… love who you are and who you will be!!!!
I’d like it known that I’m twice divorced, have 3 cats, and have a lovely long term bf. I wish cats were in lots of futures because they’re awesome!
Having said that, it can be awkward when it seems like everyone else is coupled. But we all play the hand we’re dealt and do our best.
I actually had a couple of women approach me, friends of friends, to ask about my divorces. Apparently they were miserable in their own marriages but were afraid of the other side and noticed that I was happy. I shared my experiences without much emotion and they can do what they want with that information.
Lots of people go throw divorces. Get out and do things you like to do, and be a friend to deserving people.
Chump 37 – Some steps to feel comfortable being single:
1 Get divorced – healing doesn’t begin until the divorce is finalized.
2 No contact with FW (see above)
3 Create a home you love coming home to
4 Spend time with the public and escape to your home (see above)
5 Live in the present. Is the car working? Is there food in the pantry?
6 Work on your financial independence (see above)
7 Practice self-care – exercise, sleep, avoid drugs and alcohol
8 Praise yourself and be grateful for small things
9 Be of service – volunteer for three causes that matter to you.
10 Don’t let anyone jeopardize what you have gained.
I think the freedom to make your own decisions is so worth celebrating and suggest you think of something you want to do that shows you the benefit of that freedom. Book the holiday he would have never let you go on; order the ethnic takeout he didn’t eat, etc. One of the things I did after D-Day was redecorate my bedroom. I replaced the teak super-king bed (where I was sleeping on one side) with a cute white ash double bed (in which I can starfish) with white linen and a pink throw and cushions. Changed the dark curtains to a white blind and the pictures to ones I loved. Every night now I love going to sleep alone in my very own bed in my very own room and certainly don’t see myself wanting to share it anytime soon!
I panicked too because Fuckwit had the Other Woman & I just had myself. I came to enjoy being on my own (it took time though as I shed coupledom & moved back into singledom). Yes, I lost some couple friends – there were even ones that insisted I needed to be coupled again to hang out with them & tried to set me up with unsuitable randos. I’m no longer friends with them. I have a mix of single & couple friends now. I found single gals at work & through meet up groups. However, I find I cannot rely on single friends all the time, some of them are actively trying to find someone to couple up with again & therefore, can be notoriously unreliable. So I got a hobby that I’m passionate about & can lose myself in. Also it requires me to travel around so I’m not sitting at home being reclusive. A single friend does marathons & keeps busy training & attending marathons all over. That & keeping busy by meeting fellow marathoners, she is rarely lonely. Just give yourself time. It will make all the difference.
Chump 37, day 52 is early days.
In my early days, I yearned for the security of coupledom, because my world had blown up. I also wanted to know what was like to be with a good person and actually be loved.
Then I started to enjoy my freedom more and more. At this point, I don’t want to be tied down ever again. You’re younger than me and probably still have an interest in men, which I do not. However, you do need to give it some time. There is no urgency about finding somebody, and it only attracts creeps if you’re anxious to be in a relationship. It sets you up for another cheater. So take the time to rediscover yourself, as CL says. Unless you are okay with being single, you aren’t in any shape to be in a relationship. Don’t even date until you feel comfortable either single or coupled. Lots of chumps can arrest to how happy they are to be single. You do need to be able to be, because there is no telling if you will meet somebody suitable or not or how long it will take. This is Chump 37 time right now. Use it to figure out what you want out of life (besides coupledom) and how to attain it.
I was 51 when he ran off and 53 when the divorce went through. He slithered off back to the States (not by his choice I reckon, but I think he was going to get into trouble with the authorities here so he did a runner). So he left me and the kids, no support for the kids – not that I needed it but shows you just how much of “good dad” he is. Didn’t even occur to him that he could throw some $$$$ the kids’ way on occasion. Anyhoo, with him gone I started mopping up all the debt that Mr. Spendthrift left me in. I’m good with money but I could never keep up with him spending both our salaries on whatever/whoever for himself. I knocked my new 17 year mortgage out in 7 years and made a pretty much on-the-spot decision to retire five years early because what the hell – I no longer had that ball and chain round my ankle dragging me down. A friend told me her mom had been on a solos group trip and while I’m not naturally shy, the first time is always intimidating. I went to Turkey and loved it. After that there was no stopping me and I have made friends on each and every one of my trips since then. My last was to Thailand and I palled up with a retired Welsh nurs. She was a hoot and asked me if I wanted to go to Namibia with her next spring. Please don’t think I’m loaded – I plan carefully for these trips but just don’t spend on “showy” things for the sake of it! Other than that I joined several clubs and as always, walking through the door the first time is the hardest. On some of my trips the older women were the absolute best and I’ve never had so much fun!
I did date a little after FW left and some nice men, but in the end, I adore my single life, do NOT want to have to take anyone else’s opinions into consideration, pick up after someone else or have to dash home to make dinner for a man who is perfectly capable of getting his arse off the sofa and making a sandwich! At this stage in my life I would just end up a nurse and a purse, and if I haven’t had his good years I’m not sticking around for the bad ones!
FW, according to my kids, is apparently not happy. The gf doesn’t even speak to them when they go over to the States to visit grandma but they don’t care. Nobody over there likes her either as she’s a miserable cow. To be honest though, I don’t actually know many happy marriages and have had more than one married woman tell me how much they envy me so don’t believe everyone else is all happily coupled!
I realize you’re younger, but take your courage in your hands and put yourself out there, not to meet a partner, but to meet people. You might find you meet someone naturally or you might even find that you kinda like this single business. It’s only really hard the first time. Good luck hon!
Just turned 59. Let freedom ring!
Love this!
Thanks Winnie. I realize that OP is much younger and it is VERY early days for her but I hope she realizes eventually that being single isn’t “so bad” and that probably more than a few of the married wives envy her! I wish her nothing but the best!
Thank you CL for responding and giving me a new perspective. I was reading some of the comments… also helpful. About me…I am 62 and was married 37 years. Most likely my divorce will not be final before my 38th anniversary in October as I am being told it takes 6-12 months to finalize. I do not anticipate cooperation from my FW. I dated my STBX for 4 years before we married. I have spent more than 1/2 my days on this earth as a partner/couple. I need to dust off the cob webs to remember who I was before that!
We have 4 adult kids 5 grandbabies and 1 on the way (my greatest blessings by far) who are so supportive and know I am doing the right thing. They want NC with him and cannot believe that the father they looked up too could do such a horrible thing to his family. His AP (for an estimated 5 years per her X) is someone we all know, a co worker of 25 year who lives 600 + miles away. He chose not to end his affair, so I chose to end the marriage.
None the less, I am trying. I know in my heart that I will come out or this stronger and land on my feet. I will grow and be wiser. I am still working (as a NP) and my job gets me out of the house every day and focusing on others with their own struggles in life and with their health. I look forward to the better days ahead, I will make them better for myself and by myself. Thank you for this forum. It is getting me through my darkest days!
PS, my buddy ( the dog-my profile pic) belongs to one of my sons, he is a registered service dog and has been the best company and companion. I am only “borrowing” him. Its nice to come home to a wagging tail and a faithful companion!
Thank you for providing a few more details. Our ages and length of marriage are similar–which makes it harder in many ways to contemplate starting over on your own. I hope my earlier post and all the other wonderful replies, were of some use or support to you. If you want to join more of the Chump Lady groups, the community tab at the top of this page tells you about her various forums and how to join them for ongoing support.
Chump 37 – Thank you for sharing more details of your impressive life and family. I expect that you would have been more prepared to be a widow, so this betrayal brings a complicated grief.
All of this still suggests that you’ll need more time to process and heal, to leave behind possessions and relationships which no longer work and to add only what is healthy. One step at a time.
You have received very good advice here. I see both sides of this as I rekindled an old romance (from 30 years earlier) and remarried but as great as my husband is, the truth is that all of us give up a lot and compromise a lot when we partner-up. I value my new partner but if he dies before me, Im getting a dog and a cloth sofa. (I dont understand the male fetish for leather sofas).
I will give one really simple practical piece of advice: dont go to Chick Fil A for lunch on a weekday…every cute couple married for 55+ years lunches there during the week.
Im newly retired and trying to rebuild what my life is gonna be..one of my goals is to do pottery (wheel/sculpting). I hope to meet new friends there
Leather sofa….my FW always wanted leather ones. I didn’t like them at all, but put up with it because it was easier than arguing over it. But, buying a nice cloth one was one of the first things I did when I began furnishing my new place. I was so happy with my choice until I realized how much constant cleaning was required due to animal hair. I hadn’t realized until then how easy it was to keep the leather ones clean all those years. Ugh. I’m seriously considering going back to leather. Maybe I’ll find a color that suits me better than all the black and brown we used to have.
I think as in everything else, there’s good and bad in both worlds – single and married. When you’re single, it can be lonely, you don’t have the built in companionship, the private fort of “us against the world” – which is part of why infidelity is so devastating because…it WAS us against the world…not Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice and Jim, etc. – the uniqueness of being US. You don’t automatically have someone to talk to, to have activities with, to share duties, goals, dreams with. And when your friends are all partnered, you can feel like a real loser, even a freak. But when you’re married….you have to constantly put up with all those things you could kind of ignore when you had a single retreat. The habits, their personality traits that are no longer so endearing, all their endless supply of….things….never having privacy. And only being able to have sex with one person…FROM NOW ON. But we have to look at the good points (or lack of bad ones) in virtually any situation because life is always in flux and all kinds of things can and do happen.
To me, the worst part of being single (esp divorced) in a married world, is the suspicion that married friends may have that you may have designs on their spouse (and this unfortunately does happen) or that your divorce highlights problems in their own marriage, makes the unthinkable (divorce) highly thinkable, and that it may be contagious. Sometimes it is.
I think it’s best to have a practical approach to these things – realize that even if you are married, women tend to live longer than men, and widowhood is not uncommon. And you’re back in the same situation. The best thing to do, to me, if try to find new activities, and new friends or new places to hang out. Perhaps a new church or civic group. But no matter what we do in life, there are always pluses and minuses to everything and we have to try to make the best of it and master the challenges. Personally I would rather be married…but…there are times when I wish I could completely control our furnishings and decorations, when we do things, what we watch on TV, etc, and it’s a constant compromise. There’s always something! If you really really want to be coupled, and I’m not going to argue with that, you might consider trying to find a matchmaker or matchmaking organization (rather than just some online crap). I believe they still exist and it might work for you. But at least give being single a shot for a while – you might find it’s more enjoyable than you think when you approach it with the right attitude.
So today I had an appointment with a “therapist/ psychologist after waiting 7 weeks for an opening in her schedule. This what I received…..From counselor ” I am biased and an advocate for saving the marriage…There are other options besides divorce…like an OPEN MARRIAGE. I almost dropped the phone!!! I said- well that is certainly NOT an option for me. I view marriage as 2 people committed to each other, not a 3rd wheel in the relationship. I reiterated that I was chumped twice. I went though 12 months of the pick me dance, and the barrage of “ways to save the marriage and rebuild trust. however, FW continued with the lying and betrayal. – she asked what are you feeling? ahhh hurt, sad, angry, betrayed, afraid… “well focus on 1 emotion and use coping skills to manage that feeling”. listen to music, distract yourself, set a timer and only allow those thoughts for a few minutes…. this was a complete waste of my time and money. No more appointments with this…I dont even have a word … This was like trying to put a size 8 foot in a size 6 shoe. just not a good fit!