“Feeling desperate, fearful, rage”


Avoid feelings of paralysis

I often get letters that are written in crisis. Heart-breaking, gut-wrenching letters. And I don’t publish them mostly because they are just too long for readers to wade through (and have no paragraph breaks), or they really aren’t asking me a question. They’re vomiting grief and sorrow and bewilderment.

When I get these sorts of letters, and I can’t run them, I just think, “Well, they found the site. I hope they read here and find comfort.”

Well, yesterday I got a D-Day letter from “Motleynurse.” For someone who just fell down the trapdoor into the dungeon of infidelity discovery, she writes very journalistically about the hellscape. I’m answering her letter below, but instead of my usual format, I’m going to break the letter into segments (ala the UBT, only kinder). She sees her lawyer today. Let’s lend her some Chump Nation mightiness. Here goes.

Dear Chump Lady

Here is my attempt at explaining the trauma happening in my life right now.

Day 1. Monday 11/13 in the middle of my work day, my husband texts me that he was having an affair with a girl from work, that was not sexual but they were making out every day. And that he’d like some time to figure out his feelings. My body’s initial reaction was to start vomiting and have severe diarrhea. I left work and patient care (I’m a nurse ) in this state of shock.

I’m so sorry. What a cowardly, cheating bastard.

Yeah, he needs time to figure out “his feelings,” but yours can be detonated at work. In public. By text.

I’m glad to read you’re a nurse. (Great work, you can always support yourself.) And you’re probably familiar with all manner of injections that could kill a person. Um, not like that’s a suggestion or anything.

That evening when I saw him, I was in the “please choose me” state instead of the mean, violent, get-out-of-my-house state that he expected.

Day 2 and 3 he acted as though he had complete freedom. He got mean and carefree with his words and actions. He said things like, “the kids’ pain is worth my happiness.” He declared that he loved her. I suggested we move for a new start. He said, “What makes you think it wouldn’t happen with someone else?” My body continued to shut down. Extreme daily vomiting, and inability to sleep.

He’s enjoying your pick me dance because he is a cruel, disordered piece of shit.

Please note some interesting contradictions. He “loves” the OW, but suggests that his cheating could happen with “someone else.” Boy, that OW sounds super special!

And yes, he does think the kids’ pain — and your pain — is worth his happiness. Actually your pain is part of his happiness. It’s the kibble flavor known as centrality. ME! ME! Are you sobbing? Begging? Catatonic? I MATTER!

Day 4. Thursday I found them having sex. It was not an accident and was his way to push me hard enough to kick him out and make it easy for him.

How traumatic. (((Motleynurse))

You realize that your husband doesn’t have to traumatize you to end a marriage. He can just actually END a marriage and communicate that. He has agency.

Day 5. Friday I left to Seattle with my kids to be with my sister. A time of reprieve and rescuing from the trauma. I left a note requesting he to pack his things and be gone upon our return.

Starting day 1 that we were gone, the texts and calls started. The begging and pleading for forgiveness was relentless. Over the next several days he told his boss what he’d done. Took the week off to “try to repair us and stay away from her.” He disclosed their 18-month emotional affair, a couple weeks of making out before and after work and at lunch, a week where he professed his love to her, a night of sex. But the next day cut off any and all type of contact with her … text /phone /email records collaborate the sudden real in communication.

He misses cake. His marriage (no consequences! all the perks!) and his affair partner. In 18-months he didn’t have *one* night of sex. That’s absurd. This wasn’t an emotional affair. Not that it matters, it’s all betrayal. My point is he’s lying to you.

Also he’s being transparent only with the technology you know about. There’s probably a burner phone, new accounts, etc.

During that time the kids clearly knew something was wrong, but not what. Wednesday evening Our 8-year-old son asked me, “Mommy , why are you so sad? Did daddy decide to love Elizabeth’s mom?” Can you imagine? It broke any part of me not already broken. I tried to be careful with my answer as my brain turned that this was something he was aware of, yet I was so blindsided? “Yes Son. He did. But he didn’t stop loving you. Even grownups make really big mistakes.” Etc. My husband called him that evening. Told him he was confused and made some terrible mistakes and apologized and promised him he would fix our family.

He reached out to my 19-year-old and apologized and swore to do better for our family.

So, he’s triangulating you with your kids, and gaslighting them to boot. Loving “Elizabeth’s mom” is just “confusion” and a vague “mistake.”

The fact that your son knows who the OW is, probably means they’ve been introduced. Part of the abusive dynamic is making children collude against the chump parent. Your poor kids.

Going forward, do not tell your children Daddy “didn’t stop loving you.” You can’t speak for him. Tell children to judge people by their actions, not their words. And don’t raise a future generation of chumps who equate terrible treatment with “love.”

You don’t have to say bad things about this man. You get to say nothing in his defense. Leave him to that relationship. You’re not his PR agent.

I desperately wanted to read what he and the OW had said to each other. He sent me some of their messages. Her fiancé sent me some as well. Her scenario with him played out nearly like our scenario. It was a planned out event to disclose their affair.

I read about her plans to start a family with my husband and worse, she said things like he — and my son and 4-year old daughter — need to be with her where they belong.

So she imagines stealing your life and insinuates that your own children’s rightful place is with her? A virtual stranger to them? (Which means you must really suck if a total stranger loves them more.) You know, when Esther Perel raves on about the exuberant aliveness of affairs, she tends to neglect these kind of details. “The sex was great and then we conspired to kidnap small children!”

She was so easy to read. Constantly looking for pity. Even created trauma to induce that pity.

The vomiting, inability to sleep and bodily break down continued through the week of his relentless crying and begging us back.

I’m sorry you didn’t find us sooner. You have to close all the portals to the “relentless crying and begging us back.” No contact is the ONLY way. You’re wobbly and he’s a manipulative bastard. It’s a bad mix.

But.. he started to say the “right things.”

Of course he did. #cake

Becoming somewhat transparent, he wrote a 6-page letter explaining how he got to where he was.

The Universal Bullshit Translator would love to see that. Note it’s all about him. Where “he” was. Same with this sobbing and begging. All. About. Him. No sobbing for what he did to his family. Just Holy Fuck There Are Consequences.

He described her as an alternate universe using the analogy of the movie “Coraline.”

There are no consequences in fictitious alternative universes.

He stated that when he woke up In her bed and saw her 5-year-old daughter, he thought “that ain’t my daughter. And that sure as hell ain’t my wife.“

They’re fucking when small children are home and can walk in on them. #thataintmydaddy

He discussed all the happiness of our life together and made all the right promises. He listed specific reasons and examples of favorite memories with me to assure me he wanted to make it work for us. Not just the kids. He used my fear of the pain and loss the kids would face against me.

So Friday we returned home. We lived in a somewhat normal routine over the weekend. I found myself wanting to be engulfed in him while being disgusted at the same time.

Bargaining stage of grief (aka “hysterical bonding”). Again this is why no contact and circling the wagons with other loved ones is so important in the beginning. You want the idiot who hurt you to make it all better. But they just keep hurting you. Worse.

Sunday I became overwhelmed as I knew Monday he’d be returning to work in the same office. He again offered all the right promises and reassurance. ..

Tuesday I could feel her presence and hear her words in him, although his promises of absolutely no contact with her remained. I asked him to write her a letter, telling her all he had told me.

Wednesday he said he wasn’t willing to write a “hate” letter and cause more pain than he already had. He talked about feeling bad for the pain he caused her. Can you imagine saying that to me?

Introducing Worse.

I’m thinking instead of him writing her a letter, you could just’ve sent her the 6-page one you got. I’m sure it had some juicy nuggets about his “mistakes” in there. (OW: WHAT?! I am a MISTAKE?)

He’s setting you up.

Thursday morning D-DAY:

He came to my room, wrapped his arms around me and said, “Baby, I miss you. Please sleep in the same room as me. I need to feel your presence. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

At noon he texts me that his heart was still with her.

6:00 that evening he moved in with her.

Apparently his “whatever it takes” has a three-hour expiration date.

He again showed flippant detachment and disregard for his family. Carpooled to work with her yesterday and left the truck in her driveway, almost like a big F U to his family. I picked up the truck and loaded every item of his I could find in our home and then left it in her driveway.

Way to be mighty!

Another piece of the puzzle….
He went through essentially a breakdown about 2 years ago. He purchased vehicle after vehicle, stopped paying bills, and put us in financial crisis. A few months ago we went bankrupt. My entire earnings go to the bankruptcy and loan repayment. I found out that he has not been paying the mortgage or any portion of the bankruptcy, so it is thousands behind. ….

Last month I took out a large 401k loan to bring our mortgage current. So he wasn’t paying g the mortgage or the bankruptcy payment. He has cleared our accounts. I don’t know what he’s doing with the money. He has clearly had something planned for a while.

This is not a breakdown. This is financial abuse. His money issues coincide with his affair timeline. You need a lawyer and a forensic accountant. (I’m neither. Just a blogger.) If he moved monies (like say to an affair partner) before he filed bankruptcy, that’s a federal crime. You need some serious professional help. It’s NOT okay that you’re left holding the bag on this.

I’ve tried to return to work. I’ve found myself so overcome with panic I’m unable to get out of my car. Still unable to sleep or eat or stop getting sick.

You’re in shock, which is totally to be expected. Get help, make a plan, and practice self-care now. More below.

I’m overcome with fear. I can’t protect my children from the pain they are about to encounter. They will lose their home, their security, their trust, the magic their life has been. I’m not a stranger to trauma. But this fear for my children has me in a non-functioning state. Every day brings new pain.

YOU are your children’s home. The surroundings might change, but that’s it. You are their security, their trust, their magic. YOU are the sane, loving parent. And that’s all kids need.

I’m not saying what happens next won’t feel devastating — it will. But please know that this is survivable. Your family will adapt to new surroundings and new challenges and income levels, because you’re there modeling mightiness every day. Because you LOVE them and have actual adult life skills.

He’s requesting to see the kids this weekend with and to place our home for sale. He wants to tell them together, but will not disclose what he actually wants to say.

Oh HELL to the NO. This isn’t a “we” problem. He’s not part of your family. He’s a bastard who fucked you all over. He’s on his own. Sorry. Asshole needs to craft his own bullshit on his own time.

I have retained a lawyer. He’s not aware of that yet. My meeting is Monday and then the clock starts and he’ll be served papers for a legal separation. I’m hoping to be on a leave of absence or short-term disability and just live my kids. I’m trying to take one moment at a time but am faces with huge changes and big decisions daily.

Great, I’m glad you’re seeing a lawyer. Why not file for divorce and get temporary support papers? You need to indemnify yourself against any more debt this jerk is ringing up.

Should I wait to tell the kids until after the lawyer? He is claiming I’m keeping him from his children. Do you have a script I can use to tell them?

Yes, wait. Don’t involve him at all in the telling the kids. He will have some self-serving, sad sausage narrative. Why should you subject yourself to that? Or worse, gaslight your children for his sake? I’ll let Chump Nation help you with the script. We’ve been there. Remember, your kids are not stupid. Your son already knows what’s up. You owe your cheating soon-to-be-ex NOTHING.

It feels like I’m drowning. I didn’t know I could be broken like this. I’m having to face that my husband is someone I don’t know. That my marriage that I thought was perfect, was a lie. I didn’t have a plan b or c or d. I didn’t ever consider I’d be left in my 40s used up and alone.

I wrote this to him which I doubt he even read. I guess I really wrote it to make myself believe it.

We decide the legacies we leave our children.
My children will never ever think of their mother as a victim. They’ll know I fiercely fought for their family. That I loved their father from the minute I met him. But they will never remember their mom as someone who thought so little of herself she’d be with a man who doesn’t love her, doesn’t want her, and spent his time bashing her, lying about her, and cheating on her. They will remember their mother as someone who knew her self worth. Someone who dedicated her life to protecting them and who would love them through the heartache and pain.

Thank you
Motleynurse

You’ve got this, Motleynurse. BELIEVE IT.

Now, retain that lawyer and nail his ass to the wall. Better days ahead.

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Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

This is excellent as always Tracy. I’m 19 months out of D day it’s getting easier mentally but financially it’s BRUTAL. I was a stay at home mom 13 years, he was on board also. Then everything changed but he forget to let me in on those changes, lol. Instead he ran off with his cake and I’m left all alone to pick up all the dirty, broken pieces. You have to stay STRONG!

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hi, I think there is financial abuse in most affairs. I feel people who do this always have a excuse. I think its especially harder if you have children together. There was financial abuse with my ex. I wish you good luck for the future.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

One really quick point to make and I hope CHUMP LADY & CN can help me, to help others.

I’m a lawyer but not in my licensed state (now living with family, as my marriage of 35 years ends with Schmoopie getting the doctor’s wife’s life that I worked for, and for which my kids & I relocated 12 times).

Here’s the thing.

*In most or all states, it is NOT a crime for a spouse to take ALL of the joint marital accounts (before a divorce has been filed – like before the chump got the memo) and then leave their chump with nothing. It’s not illegal! WTF?

I know this b/c it happened to me, and many others. I’m in the process of trying to get it back in civil court (14 months & counting) but the amount of resources I am paying & BORROWING to get —- just what’s MINE in every state (half the joint marital property – & I lived in a community property state!!) – the costs are enormous.

Legislation of some sort or MAJOR publication of this travesty, which is happening every day in this nation, mostly but not exclusively to women,

needs to be KNOWN….it’s wrong and needs to end.

Help me, help others.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Yup I know exactly it just happened to me the same in Canada and I’m now left to survive on a line of credit at least until our divorce is final in Feb.!????????????

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Here in Calgary Canada no matter how many filthy affairs even around the children you must endure one full year of separation hell even if he or she is screwing the new lover in your home, marital bed before you can finalize and apply for spousal support because you may reconcile! Are they fucking INSANE?????????????

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’m overwhelmed with the love and support . Right now I am trying to read through the comments and write down my questions for the lawyer . I will take time to reply to each of you . That may take a little while. The number one thing I’m taking away from reading so far this morning is to stop any contact and I will . I wrote this to him The evening before we told the kids . His reply was flippant of course and I doubt he fully read it. He is not able to see outside of himself and he does not care . I wanted to say it though .

We decorated our tree tonight. You might describe it a little different than other years ha! But the squeals of excitement from my sons that it was the most awesome tree ever.. made me realize something.

You had one job as a husband and father.
Your job was to PROVIDE.
To provide the tangible but also
To provide a place to run when they are scared
To provide stability
To provide safety
To provide security
To provide protection
To provide the example of the way a man shows love to a woman
To provide the example of how to handle hard times
To provide leadership
To provide honesty.

My job was to be the heart.
To love unconditionally . To hold their tears in my hand. To worry about them and pray for their favor, health, friendships, fears, anxiety’s and pain. To always be in their fighting corner. To be their biggest fan. To be the arms they run to. To be a constant.The safe place to bring their insecurity or doubt. And to bring magic!

Early his morning Cash crawled into bed with me. Crying he asked me to tell him the truth.
I told him daddy decided he wanted to love Elizabeth’s mom and live with her .
He softly cried and he asked if he has to have a step mom? For some reason that word is very scary to him. He asked what did she do to get him ? Did he forget he promised he didn’t love her?
I answered that she’s promised daddy she’ll make him happier than I do. But Cash.. we are going to be ok! It’s OK to be sad . it’s OK to be angry. That he is allowed to be angry at Dad or Mom or just at the world. That he’s done nothing wrong and that we both thank God every day for him.
I told him that you love him and would like to see him anytime “he requests”. I let him know that for now on when he’s with mommy, daddy won’t be there. And when he’s with daddy he won’t be with mommy. He cried and asked me if he would have a stepdad. I told him that right now my heart is broken and that it will take a long time to not be broken. But that I am going to be OK. That we are strong! And that right now my heart is so full of love for him and (kids) , there’s is no room for anyone else.
Shortly after we stopped crying. Got in the shower and washed away the mornings pain. We decorated our home for Christmas. And do you know what Jake? In spite of you, it’s still full of magic! I’ll be the provider you aren’t and remain the heart

I will not even discuss you taking away their home until well after this holiday season.

Ps. Neither child has requested to see you but I will let you know if they do .

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

I love it excellent job mom!????????

love and chumpiness
love and chumpiness
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

I’m so glad you are here motleynurse. You will get through this and come out much stronger than before. That move where you packed his truck up full of his things? I wish you could have set it on fire too (waiting to exhale style), so mighty of you!!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Motleynurse, so sorry for what you are going through. You’re getting great advice from experienced chumps here. CN is the best place.
I hope you are not using your kids’ real names. If you are, be careful. The cheater could find you here and stalk you. As a precaution, from now on I would recommend you change to a new moniker and change the names of the kids on this site. You really can’t be too careful with these psychos.
And you need your privacy and your private place to vent and heal on CN.
(((Motleynurse and kids)))

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I didn’t think of that . I wouldn’t say I’m thinking normally . More like one minute at a time I would but I will follow your advice

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Atta girl, Motts.

You’ve got this!

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

You are magic! He is just jealous of how magical you are! They all are jealous of what they can’t have and after a while you realize just how unmagical they really are! I wonder if your husband showed your son the movie coraline? That could be why he is scared of a stepmother? I know there are so many people who appreciate you and your lovely children. Even though I know it’s so so hard it helps me to try to be thankful for even the smallest of things.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

You are so right. The overwhelming support is proof of the strength of a woman . The strength of a mother .

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

((((((hugs)))) to you MotleyNurse!!!

Girl, I applaud your mightiness!!!!

I wouldn’t contact him another time unless you absolutely have to.

That was the hardest part for me when exh2 The Evil One left me and DD — the not contacting him. Ever. If he contacts you, ignore it.

I agree with keeping them away from OW.

When I first started this hellacious shit sandwich, I would tell myself, “work now, grieve later” some days I worked through the grief, others I had to allow myself time to process through.

Two and a half years later, Im better for the wear.

Keep on keeping on, stay the mighty course!!!

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

There is so much relief after seeing the lawyer . It will be mandated she nor her daughter can be around my children . He wants to introduce them as they are new family! He is crazy . I see him. I see what’s about to unfold . He looses. In every angle … he looses. And my kids will Live a life provided with love and stability and strength !

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Your STBX’s insensitivity in gushing about his OW and flaunting their affair is sickening. The universe revolves around them and their Right to Be Happy, with no room for anyone else to grieve. In time you will probably start to realise he was never the man you thought he was.
My ex left for (at the time) my 10 year old son’s music teacher of 2 years. He wanted them to hang out together as quickly as possible because he thought his kids would be happy for him, and our son already liked her, right?!
You are doing an awesome job motley nurse. You will not feel this crappy forever, it’s going to take time and more heartache, but you and your kids are going to be just fine.

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

It really is sickening. Sick… meaning I think there some true mental illness happening .

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Motleynurse

Illness,schmillness…Your soon-to-be husband had agency and made some very bad choices and now there are going to be dire consequences.

I feel sorry for people that get blindsided by cheaters or people who get hit by drunk drivers.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Me too it’s horrible and the kids trapped in the mess! The day I got arrested my sister was shocked and the police told me they do NOT judge on morality can you believe? I explained exactly what was happening in my house, I reacted to this new woman trying to replace me and that was my mistake I was arrested! This is how fucked up Canada is these perpetrators are protected YOU must fight for your rights and that of your children!????

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago

Omgosh that made me laugh hard! Thanks!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

So early in this horrible game Motleynurse , YOU come out a winner.
I love what you said.
You have the true heart of a nurse, and, most important, of a present, sane, loving parent.
He can NEVER take that away from you.
I know all of CN admires your strength, wisdom and fortitude!
YOU are Mighty – an honour name – bestowed by CN only to those who are deserving. YOU, Motleynurse, are definately deserving.

Xxxxxxxtoyouandyourtreasuresxxxxxxxx

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Oh yes #MeAlso with the meet my kids “cute” on Father’s Day when they bumped into each other at a fair with all their kids present. Too bad schmoopie blew the cover by having a full term baby in September. Miracle that since the met in June.

Yes also …with second cheater … his filing bk and leaving me with ALL the house bills and running me into the ground financially. $30k of debt which I gladly took to get out of marriage.

Nothing but abuse piled onto abuse. Doesn’t matter if hubs has diagnosis mental illness … he knows right from wrong. Knows a lie is a lie. Just does not give a shit about you or your babes.

Financial abuse is just as bad as infidelity. Worse in some ways due to the inescapable legal and daily hell that comes from outside the marriage. Together, (with children!) is virtual murder without the blood.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

I’m so sorry that you went through this as well . Reading the stories it’s unbelievable to see how many of them there are out there .

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Agreed Motleynurse and I know why so many my lawyer said “DATING” sites both men and women often become bored in marriage and instead of working together on problems the once spouse runs!

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you everyone so much. I’m looking forward to today. I will get some much-needed answers . As far as legal separation rather than divorce … there is nothing at this point he could do to make me take him back . But it’s my understanding that the legal separation will take an extra three months . That’s an extra three months that it can be mandated that my kids will not be allowed around the OW .
I would appreciate any specific advice or questions I should bring with me today ?
I’m sad I didn’t see replies until today . Yesterday we did “tell the kids” .
We had a script we agreed to go bye . Instead what happened is my children sat in his arms . He told them we had something to say and then did not speak . I tried to fumble through the speech while they cried . They didn’t say anything they just cried . My son cash finally said where we live ? He answered I live with Amanda . She’s a woman I love and that makes me very happy and she will make you guys happy too. We live just down the road . You can come see us anytime you want to. They sat there and cried . I had trusted friends in the home for support and they interrupted and tried to change the subject and make it very uncomfortable so he would leave . He left we almost a skip in his step. People we love came over and just told the kids we all love them and that we’re going to be OK . That there’s going to be some changes but we are going to be OK .
Motleynurse

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Double hugs for that horrible experience. I have all kinds of torture I would like to put your cheater through.

If you weren’t sure before, this proves he is a disordered fuckwit.

Talk about messed up to tell your young children you are going to live down the street with the women you “love”. Teaching them that love is just a feeling that comes and goes. Fucked up! I need to calm down and you just need to remain the sane parent in this hellish situation!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

LOL, I love it fuckwit!????????????

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

MotleyNurse –
I haven’t read every response, but – you most likely know this – get tested for STDs. All of them. I’m a therapist but I still needed people to tell me therapist-type things because i cannot treat myself (I have an excellent therapist, a former employer whom I trust implicitly) – no objectivity! I was tested, but they didn’t include the Heps, & MOWskank has multiple tattoos (don’t they all?), piercings and partners. I hated it. Procrastinated. POS X insists the affair was emotional, but he also made vows to me that he broke so his word has less validity than my dog’s droppings, so…get tested, friend.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Yes thank you Motleynurse I had mine be tested for a full year and luckily we had been intimate in awhile so I didn’t have to worry but him different story

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Done. Thank you

ChumpStaronHollywoodBlvd
ChumpStaronHollywoodBlvd
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

CHANGE THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOME!!!!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Yes I heard that also good post and I have a big dog for protection!????

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

Done

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Mine also set up a video camera to monitor me. Do not underestimate anything they will do to try to stay one step ahead. Never in a million years would I have thought he would set up a camera….. pointed to the bed. Irony

Grendel
Grendel
6 years ago

Wow. Just wow. How did you find out?

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Omg are you serious a video camera? That is crazy!

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Not my cheating x husband ( different crazy …), but the boyfriend who proposed and supposedly loved me ( fixing the picker as we speak ) – also set up video surveillance in the house after I moved in.

He was great until the day he wasn’t and beat the hell out of me.

I stayed until I could find a place to safely move to. But he was so paranoid that he set cameras up in the house. Stupid enough to think I didn’t know.

My point is that you should never underestimate stupid.
Just when you think – no, that would be crazy – who would do that ?!?!! Yup – they will.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Document, document, document. Get all the cheaterville records and keep them somewhere safe (locked at work). These things may somehow disappear by his doing. While it’s fresh, although painful, get all of this stuff so you are in a good place when it’s time for you to “negotiate” (take everything). He will cycle from kindness-rage-self loathing. Don’t fall for it, the man you loved and married is NOT him. Do not be part of his attempts at triangulation…. be prepared, it’s gonna happen.
It fucking hurts like hell….. YOU, friend, are an amazing woman who is going to kick ass and create a new and amazing life. Hugs and strength to you. We’ve been there… and we survived. You will also survive then do more than survive, you’ll LIVE. You got this, stay focused… and don’t forget self-care.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago

Can somebody tell me what happened legally to the Cheaterville website ?

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

Thank you so much. The writings on the wall. I can see the scenario playing out as if it’s already happened . He will get so angry when he’s served this week . We will be far away visiting my sister in Seattle . He will come into our home and take out anything and everything he can . There’s nothing I care about that he takes . Then he will start apologizing and begging screaming and crying and offering . I see him now . I truly see and I will never be blind again

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Motelynurse, I hope you will have some family around for protection if you’re concerned he could get violent. I remember how it felt to be afraid of my husband and not know what to expect from him. He was acting so out of character that I thought he had a brain tumor. Stay safe! Maybe leave town for awhile?

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn I know all about the brain tumour thing, mine got so weird after age: 50 everyone said it’s Mid life or a my girlfriend calls it “MENTAL PAUSE”!????????????

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Motleynurse,

First, I’m so sorry and 6 years ago I was in your shoes and my whole World came crashing down. The advice SuperDuperChump gave is excellent. The MOST important thing is to take care of yourself and your kids. Also what you are going through is THE most stressful thing anyone can go through–way worse than the death of a loved one, job loss,etc. If you can, try to find a good therapist for yourself. They will help you through what you are going through and “to fix your picker” down the road.

Finally the best piece of advice that someone gave me when this happened was that from now until the divorce is final, you MUST when dealing with the Ex put your emotions on the shelf and treat this as a business transaction. Your emotions make you vulnerable and cloud your judgement and when dealing with him go total grey rock. It will be hard and after each time dealing with him you can scream and punch a pillow but be total business when dealing with the SOB. Also no pity for the POS, it sounds like he may have broken the law and if he did let him deal with the consequences. He didn’t give a shit about causing agony to you and your kids, so if he feels pain over his actions or has to do some time in Club Fed then too bad !!!

Really have your lawyer hammer him about the money issue and it sounds like you had a Chapter 13 Bankruptcy well if you are losing your assets then you may want to ask the lawyer about converting to a Chapter 7 for YOU (screw him) and wash that debt away.

Good luck and I’m so sorry but almost all of us here have been there and after almost 5 years after my divorce and Hell, I met a fellow Chump, we ended up getting married and I have never been happier. You are going through a dark night now but off in the distance is a very bright dawn indeed away from that SOB.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

That is awesome I’m so happy for you and your new Beau and I love the phrase “Club Fed”! Lol

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Yes thank you I was told that by my lawyer to put all your feelings of any anger aside especially for the children and treat it like a business deal!????

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Thank you for the advice. He thinks I will just strip my children’s home from then and sell it and clear his dad. He is about to lose his shit. Chapter 7 is like my lawyer is after and I tell you what, if he thought he was broke before, he hasn’t seen anything yet !

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

MotleyNurse, my little one asked lots of questions after a while of not wanting to talk about it. And now after 18 months, she really knows that I am the parent she can trust. The hardest part of it in the beginning was knowing that she was in pain and I had no control over it. It, unfortunately is her pain to feel that is a result of the behavior of her father. Even though it is awful, it is often a part of life-it truly sucks as a parent to see your kids hurting and not be able to fix it somehow. I’m so glad you had people over to protect and support you.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but at some point look up books by Dr George Simon and Lundy Bancroft (“why does he do that”) and, of course CL, Leave a Cheater Gain a Life.
This guy is an abusive bully. As he told you, “if it wasn’t her it would be someone else”, that sentence applies to you too. He will do this again. He will get the sadz and buy a bunch of crap and get in financial trouble and have some more kids and cheat some more and blah, blah, blah. He is a complete bore.
You were left with his very large mess which you will clean up. But then you will be free of that POS and all the chaos and entitlement that comes with him.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Love it and agreed Leave a cheater, gain a life!????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Their pain freezes me. I have so desperately want to take it away . I want to take it for them . I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong . I don’t want them to become one of the statistics from a broken home . I have to show them that we are not broken . Their father is but we are not .

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Family therapy with somebody who understands narcissistic abuse (most mental health professionals don’t have a clue what this is) for you and your kids, without their father present.

Ashley
Ashley
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

God I wished you had told them first. But it’s ok. My dad could see the writing on the wall while my mother and I tried to figure out if my husband was going to take back the kids and I…he said “Get out in front of this. You tell your 6 year old first what happened and the truth and it will be the story she knows” and that’s what I did. Keep the same script. Your dad lied to me and you. Tell them about the money he took in as gentle of a way as you can. Build on it as they grow older and ask more questions. OMG YOUR STORY IS EXACTLY LIKE MINE!!! These assholes have no shame. Make him pay child support and you can’t keep the kids from her so make sure they KNOW she is the reason for their broken family!! That stupid cunt. I hate her as much as my own OW. The fun part is she is gross and ugly and he has to fuck her. I laugh and laugh at this. Stay strong. Read this sight daily!! You will get through this. It takes time. DIVORCE HIS ASS NOW!! Don’t wait. It’s not your job to bridge the gaps. Don’t talk to him. Don’t acknowledge him don’t try to get him to parent. He’s in lala land with his new play thing. She’s a piece of shit. I hope they stay together so they can’t hurt anyone else. That’s what I told my ex. He’ll eventually come back to Earth and be in the kids life but don’t expect much with his new found freedom. Do something you love to make yourself feel better. Yoga, weightlifting, running…whatever your release is. Do it. Everyday. For yourself. You need to get strong for your kids and always always always tell them the truth

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

Everything you say things like I could see it myself . There is nothing about her that I compare myself to . I think about the way things will unfold and I can see it clearly . He will lose his mind and anger was he served and sees the amount of money he will lose . Then he will beg and beg and beg me back . And he’ll be stuck with that “ dirty victim “.
We’re both into fitness and powerlifters . He takes a high amount of anabolic steroids . Which is the only thing he’s routinely asked for or showed any care about since when I found them (lightbulb) I confiscated them and put them in a work safe .
I find some reprieve in the gym . Makes me feel even stronger . And guess what ? I have the State records without using any performance-enhancing medications ! Ha!!

Frozen
Frozen
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

@motleynurse my StBXH went thru same routine as yours, however when he was served with papers he refused to be served … we literally had to track him down. Then once served he got very angry … like raging angry! Co parenting is now somewhat civil a year and a half out but he is still raging angry if the reality of the situation is brought up.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Frozen

Really? I have read that some men rage because even though they wanted the divorce they want it all on their terms and they think how dare we take it upon ourselves! My ex husband thought I was just some dumb housewife and he could just do anything his Ego!

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Yes, I echo the concern with the ‘roid rage. I suggest when you have him served you might want to have a good, armed male friend either stay with you and the kids or perhaps check in on you, etc. Your husband is MELTING down with all the financial shit, emotionally abusive dynamics etc. Be REALLY careful. Make sure you let daycare workers and also school workers know what is going on. Big (((HUG))) to you and your kids. Let us all know how this all works out. Especially with what happens when he gets served.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Agreed

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Agreed I loge it

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

I am way ahead of you on this. We will be well out of town at the time he is served. Locks and garage door opener‘s have been changed . If he breaks into the house so be it. We won’t be here in the line of fire . And I can stay gone all week if need be . I’ll see how crazy he gets. We have a restraining order ready and prepared if needed .

audacious jones
audacious jones
6 years ago
Reply to  Motleynurse

Love your actions! well done, motleynurse! you are full speed ahead and I am inspired and impressed! FORWARD!!! x

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Please be careful. The steroids may be one explanation for all the reckless behavior.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Exactly my lawyer was saying for these idiots it’s all fun and games until the realize there are “CONSEQUENCES”! Hello your marriage already!????????????????

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Beware ‘roid rage

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

I almost forgot…I am warning you right now. Set some strict boundaries RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. It hasn’t occurred to him yet that he has, indeed, put you back on the market. When he does, he will turn into a paranoid freak. Even before you get your life in order….Even before you could even consider looking at another man, let alone consider dating one…he will be in your business. He is special. Only he is allowed to have a life. NOT YOU. NO WAY IN HELL ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BRING ANOTHER MAN around HIS kids. You aren’t allowed a relationship.

These freaks are psychotic hypocrits. Do not try talking logically with him. It will not work. He is addicted to degrading you. These people are fucked in the head. You are a nurse….find another job in another city and get the fuck out of Psycho Dodge City. If he has to travel for visitation, that’s his problem. His dick shouldn’t have traveled. It’s consequences.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

He and she were casually at Home Depot together Armen arm where many people we know saw them started texting me . At that moment I knew I have to move. I will move. We will get away from this.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Your so right good post!????

nodancing
nodancing
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

That story makes me so sad and angry for you. My kids were 5 and 7 when X abandoned us 2 and a half years ago and they are really starting to see through him now, especially my older son. Even though this got off on rocky footing a person like your cheater will not be able to maintain the greatest dad image and this lady is NOT their mom. It will not go the way he thinks it will go.

The best medicine for you is anger. Anger will keep you and your kids out of these opportunities for him to gaslight because you won’t tolerate his presence. Anger will drive you to the best lawyer you can get, anger will get you up in the morning and keep you moving all day. It’s the gift we get when these things happen, find it and use it.

nodancing
nodancing
6 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

correction: that SNAKE is not their mom.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

Thank you . I’m starting to find that anger you speak of and it does make me feel better … just … better.
He will be served papers this week and is going to lose his shit !

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Motleynurse…..

I have been in your exact shoes. Emotionally. Financially. Everything. I lost everything….even my paid for house. My business. Truck. Roth IRA. Savings. Even the tools in my shop that I made a living with. 30 years worth of collecting tools on sale….gone.

1. GET RID OF HIS ASS. DIVORCE THIS EVIL MOTHERFUCKER. Do not let him weasel back in with promises. Transparency is total bullshit. Their affair will continue. Do not fall for that “Send the AP a letter saying it’s over” that the RIC promotes. Hell, he’ll warn her it’s coming! IT WON’T END.

2. You owe him nothing. Nada. Once someone cheats on you, you have no responsible whatsoever for them.

3. Get your doctor to put you on FMLA right now for 3 months, and be honest with your employer. Not the gossip HR ladies…Just your supervisor. You are in mental, emotional, and physical crisis.

4. Fuck the finances right now because they are already fucked. Focus on the basics: food, utilities, gas, kid clothing and car. Nothing else. When the creditors start calling, just hang up. See Dave Ramsey’s website for all of this. You are in an emergency crisis.

5. Take care of your health. Eat, sleep, exercise. Get your doctor to help. Do not end up in a hospital almost dead like I did.

GET ANGRY. FUCKING ANGRY. Your anger will catapult you out of this shithole. Let that piece of shit know you mean business without talking to him. Want an idea to get Dickface’s attention? Call the owner, CEO, whoever the Top Brass is at his job and tell him/her what has happened in their workplace. They have too much shit to worry about than some workplace affair drama and the possibility of a sexual harassment lawsuit. You think that Sweet Hips is the only woman he’s hit on at his job? Fuck his job and finances….he fucked yours up.

I have been through this same exact bullshit you are dealing with. I lost EVERYTHING. Guess What? I started completely over 2 years ago at age 48. I am still dealing with her financial mess that I got stuck with, but I am recovering rapidly. I am in a new city with a new job that I enjoy going to every day. I left all that chaos behind…..But I am happier now than the 22 years I was with Debbie Douchebag.

And…..have to brag…also have a wonderful new girlfriend who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. There are too many good men out there in the world….who aren’t going to subject you to this horseshit.

To quote Morgan Freeman:

“Either get busy living….or get busy dying”

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago

Thank you! And I agree! Getting on FMLA as we speak . Then packing to head to Seattle so the kids won’t witness his freak out

ManipulatedChump
ManipulatedChump
6 years ago

Motley nurse, you’re very savvy to not notify his superiors or to exercise caution if you do. I called my STBX’s boss regarding the affair with a coworker and was slapped with a restraining order.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

You are going to get a ton of advice, and I am a day late seeing your letter. But let me say this: he’s not just cheating on you with another woman.

1. He is a thief who bankrupted you and then stopped paying the mortgage. You can never, ever, ever take him back. You can’t trust him with money. You won’t see it now, but in a couple of years, you’ll realize that the OW is the one who is getting hosed financially.
2. His behavior is abusive. Telling you about the affair at work? Abuse. And dangerous for your patients Introducing kids to OW. Clearly one at least knows of the affair. That’s abuse. Getting caught in bed? Abuse. Emailing you details? Abuse. Starting the rebound back to you when you go away for a few days? Abuse.
3. There is no going back to a man so disordered as to say that the kids’ well-being is less important than an affair with a woman he already admits is replaceable. He’s told you he won’t stop. Believe him.

File for divorce. Get child support and given his history of financially defrauding you, make sure it is garnished from his pay.

Don’t take too long off work. In a week or two, you will be able to hold it together at work. Financially, you are better off working. Make sure you have your own bank accounts so that fuckwit can’t steal anything else.

Call the mortgage company. See exactly where you stand. See if the HARP program can help you. If that’s not an option, see if selling the house gets you out clean and clear. That will take some research, but you are a nurse, and paying attention to these details may actually help you. Let your attorney guide you through. The team you put together should include YOUR choice of realtor and anyone else who can guide you through this.

Be relentless in you quest to make HIM responsible for the financial debacle. But one way or the other, you will recover. From here on out, though, never let anyone else handle your finances, even if you remarry. Have your car in your name and your paycheck go into your bank account. You can open a joint account for paying family bills if you remarry. And every payday, even if it means you meet once a week, you review all the bill paying information. One important point for all chumps still living with liars: make sure all key payments are automated and go directly from your (joint) account. And make sure you are putting that paycheck in your own account. If they want to spend $$ on Schmoopies, at least it won’t be what you earned.

Your husband is right up there with some of the hall-of-famers.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Omg are you serious? That’s how his place of business operates its disgusting the coverups for these sleezballs I’m so glad I refrained from his place of work I only served him the divorce papers there because he has a restraining order at our Family home! My lawyer advised me not to serve him at the home! He is pure dog shit and has even defiled our marital bed!????

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Everything you have said is so right on . There is nothing he can do at this point to be redeemed . And I am absolutely positive when he realizes The amount of money he has to pay , He will start the begging and pleading apologizing . I will never fall for it . Never again !

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Motleynurse

So glad to read this. I am so angry about what he did to you.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

Thank you so much. He will be served divorce papers tomorrow or Wednesday . He is going to lose his shit , Both figuratively and literally . I’m waiting on notifying his superiors as I think he would lose his job and honestly I want him to keep his job ..

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Congratulations! No doubt he will lose his shit! Prepare for the fallout.

I am so impressed by chumps like you who see the light early on and take charge!

Stay strong because divorce is like a roller coaster ride and you need to hang on.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago

Bravo!!!!
Excellent advice and wise words!!!

Nain
Nain
6 years ago

Listen to each and EVERY piece of this clear, concise “to-do” list. Each point accurately lights a path for you motley. The GET ANGRY part is probably the most essential. I know you can’t imagine how anybody could screw you like this but he and the whore have. So get righteously ticked off and let your fury guide you. If SuperDuper can rally such anger in your behalf think of what your own venom towards this unfair crap can generate! Be the very best parent you can be and call out anything that doesn’t set right in your gut. Keep your job, your sanity and your wits about you and you WILL survive and then thrive. After 40 years with a fucker, it’s so much better without one. And my new love and I couldn’t be more happy.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Nain

Our court date is on his birthday 🙂
I am finding that rage and feels good to fight back. And he has not seen anything yet !

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Agreed!????

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago

Motleynurse,

I second CL and SuperDuperChump.

Especially what SuperDuperChump said on #3. Get to your doctor NOW and get your FMLA or short term disability set up ASAP. YOU need this time to take care of you when your children might be in school or with family. Focus on you! You make yourself a priority so those kids have the strength they need to get through this. Journal, get into therapy, read CN every single day, cry, drink wine, sit in a bubble bath, go do something you love, or just go back to bed for a few hours. Please take care of you and the rest will slowly and yes painfully fall into place. It’s always darkest before the light.
Oh, and go no contact with the POS.

What ever decisions you make they are for you and your tribe – not a fucking thing with what he wants. HE DOESN’T MATTER!

And I’ve heard that you might want to see a few attorneys so they can’t represent him because of conflict of interest. I didn’t do that because I hired the attorney that was know to be the best in my community and I don’t regret it one day. Not even the debt that came with it.

I’m sorry if this is short, too the point, and bossy but I’m at work and had to choke back the tears when I read your story. I was you 9 months ago when my kids were 3.5 months and 7 years old. Today, I can say I am back at work and days aren’t easy but there is good out there. I’m on the east coast if there’s anything I can do to help. I don’t know how other chumps work to meet up because I haven’t been on here as long but there are amazing people here and while you might not have met any of them I think you will find this place is amazing in spite of the reason of why you are here.

Take care!

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply . I’m overwhelmed with the support . So thankful I found this community . And I am in disbelief at how many of them there are out there . My story isn’t special or unique . That’s hard reality to face .
Right now my only focus is my children . My love for them is bigger than my pain. I love for them is bigger than my pain. My love for them is bigger than my pain. Have to repeat it over and over and over . Deep breath, one minute at a time .

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

On the positive side, that means your cruel, disordered STBX is not unique. He’s a TYPE and you can learn to spot them and avoid them. And you will know that it wasn’t you. It isn’t YOU. He’s disordered.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Agreed this forum is wonderful even though our situations are dreadful right now just knowing we are not alone in this hell!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

I love a man who gets pissed on the behalf of a total stranger who has been fucked over.

I wish to hell I had a man like that in my life, who actually gave a shit about what both my ex’s did to me and encouraged the hell out of me like that.

Your girlfriend is a lucky woman and I am glad you found her. Sorry your wife was such a bitch.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Sunflower,

“I wish to hell I had a man like that in my life, who actually gave a shit about what both my ex’s did to me and encouraged the hell out of me like that.”

This! This paragraph got me thinking about how I was left unprotected as a little girl, then a teen, then a young adult. While the people who could have protected me looked on and said nothing.

How I’ve always wanted a man (father, brothers, friends, boyfriends and last of all husband) to at least TRY to protect me.

So I asked myself, where is my protector? And in my mind’s eye, a superhero version of myself jumped onto the scene.

My protector is me. No one protected little girl Lionheart. But Grownup Lionheart is now on the scene. Kicking ass and taking names. And protecting her daughters with a fierceness never seen before!!!

Thanks for inspiring that mental picture, and a new way to look at things.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I never had a foul mouth. Actually, I still don’t….except when the topic of Cheating comes up. Then…it just flows freely. Just like Queen Chump Lady always states: These Pieces of Dogshit always play by the same script. All they lack is a stage and Shakespearean accent. “To be dogshit or not be dogshit. That is the question. Oh, I forgot….I already am a piece of dogshit.”

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago

The same thing happened to me, SuperDuperChump. I felt like a crusty old sailor had moved into my brain. Couldn’t think of my ex’s name without putting an FU before it. It was kind of scary since I didn’t know I was capable of that kind of rage. But rest assured, it IS a phase and it will pass. Your mind is protecting you by creating separation. It will help you get away from this man. Think of it as rocket fuel.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I know exactly Lyn me too I don’t like a potty mouth but when it comes to a cheating spouse my blood and mouth just boil, lol

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Agreed and what just sent me through the roof with anger was in front of my children now that’s where I draw the line!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Exactly but what I don’t get is mine was decent at one time I didn’t notice any changes until he took a new job about 8 years ago, lots of divorced men and women! That’s when the troubles began! Before that he had his own business and worked independently I never noticed any cheating at that time!

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago

Ha! Nothing like an awful cheating experience to bring out the Tourette syndrome in all of us.Thank you CL for allowing us to express without reservation how we really feel on your blog.

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago

Perfect advice from both CL and Super Duper. I can’t add to that save to say this man’s sheer cruelty and sick disregard for you and his children is beyond sick. My heart breaks for your pain and suffering and my blood boils at this arrogant, self-centred, heartless monster.

Sending much love and huge hugs to you. Every day you’ll find your pathway out of this nightmare start to reveal itself. Give yourself all the love, care & kindness you should have got from him. He’ll get his just desserts in time you’ll see. Mine certainly did. I’m not religious but strongly believe some higher power watches over how we treat each other.

Keep strong xxx ❤ xxx

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Natalia B.
That is what I would of written.
Motley, I don’t know where you are but I’m in Florida if you need a hug or a glass of wine or both.
All I can add is you will find that some of your not chumped friends won’t have the stamina to go the distance. Detox is littered with pitfalls and breaking no contact. Be gentle with yourself but make staying away from him your mission.Come here. Those that have not been through a discard from a cluster B love you, but they just won’t get it. You’ll get a lot of “oh honey…..marriages end. It’s awful, I’m sorry. But you have to snap out of it.”
Marriages do end all the time, but not like this.
I don’t know where I would of been without Chump Nation.
Come here, cry here, vent here, look for a meet up in your area.
As for your kids? Whatever you tell them he’s going to take as an attack on his new life so don’t try to sugar coat anything for him. I still hear that. It’s not that he fucked everybody….it’s that I told the kids he was a cheater. Whatever.
Hugs….I’m sorry your ex is a dick.
Good riddance.

unexpectedchumpiness
unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow,

I’m in Florida and would love to meet other chumps!

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

It’s so true what you say about people in the community . I feel like I’m crazy. Like people get divorced all the time and they’re not frozen unable to get out of their car to function. I guess he’s had 18 month to Move on and see his future. I want my heart to know what my head does . I’m smarter than I feel . And my strength must be divine because I don’t feel strong. I feel broken .

over it
over it
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

MotleyNurse… Five years ago, I could have written your letter word for word. My heart breaks for the despair you feel because I have felt that same desperation. I am glad you found ChumpLady and ChumpNation. It will keep you strong and on the right path. I did NOT want to get divorced. I did NOT want to blow up my child’s family. My ex did this back and forth crap, too. But, you are smarter than I was… you are getting out now. I tried to reconcile for four years. My ex was cheating with a ho-worker that was 30 years younger than him. I knew he was blowing up his family for a fantasy and there was nothing I could do about it. But I am writing to let you know what “reconciliation” is like; It is a living hell. You will live like a detective all the time. Your heart will be in a vice every morning when he leaves for work, because even though he tells you there is no contact between them- it’s a lie and you know it. You will worry ALL DAY LONG while he is at work. When he gets home every night, you will be desperately looking for signs; did he talk to her? Did they go out to lunch? Is he lying? Why isn’t he willing to get another job to ease my suffering? You will listen intently to every word he says, desperately searching for proof of truth/lies. Every time he leaves the house, you will wonder if he is actually going where he says he’s going. Every time he is even a few minutes late getting home from work, you will be close to hysteria. Worst of all, there will be a terrible war inside you; your head vs. your heart. Your head knows you deserve so much better but your heart keeps clutching to hope and the potential of healing from this. You won’t be able to confide in your support system because if you stay married you don’t want everyone to hate him- so you suffer in solitude and silence. It is a truly horrible existence. PLEASE save yourself from years of suffering and go no contact right now, because even if became the best husband in the world starting today, there is no such thing as true peace and happiness in a marriage after infidelity. Force yourself to go through with the divorce, even if it against your own will. Take one small step towards it every day. TELL EVERYONE your truth. Do not protect him. It is not your secret shame to keep. The more people you tell, the harder it is to go back to him- that’s what you want. Sabotage yourself from being able to go back to him. One day, you ARE going to get through this and you are going to be happily divorced- I promise. After 30 years with him, I was convinced I would never be happy again. Now, I am here to tell you that there is a better, happier, peaceful life on the other side! Get there as fast as you can by starting your journey today. Wishing you peace, light and hugs. BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE MIGHTY!

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago
Reply to  over it

Motley nurse I am glad you are still responding and reviewing this thread. We are all thinking about you.

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  over it

Over it
I still read this nearly daily.
It helps me so much when I find myself daydreaming of reconciliation.
Thank you.

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  over it

I read this comment every day. Thank you.

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  over it

That is one of the best pieces of writing I’ve read all week, over it.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Me too I dreaded having to get a divorce but I had no choice!????

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Sweetheart your strength IS divine. A year after my discard, I see that I was always stronger, wiser and truly loved far better than either of them. And YOU will see that too. Don’t be afraid – strong back, soft front, wild heart and hold hands with strangers. We’re all holding your hands right now love, thousands of us. Xxx

???? Rabbit007
???? Rabbit007
6 years ago

Love what you said. Thank you.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

This is a very important post: “Those that have not been through a discard from a cluster B love you, but they just won’t get it. You’ll get a lot of “oh honey…..marriages end. It’s awful, I’m sorry. But you have to snap out of it.”
Marriages do end all the time, but not like this.”

You will find out who really has your back, who can deal with your recovery and doesn’t care how long it takes you.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

Yes, Motleynurse, what Chumplady said:

YOU are your children’s home. The surroundings might change, but that’s it. You are their security, their trust, their magic. YOU are the sane, loving parent. And that’s all kids need.

I’m not saying what happens next won’t feel devastating — it will. But please know that this is survivable. Your family will adapt to new surroundings and new challenges and income levels, because you’re there modeling mightiness every day. Because you LOVE them and have actual adult life skills.

Also, good on you for taking time off from work to be with your children and to take care of yourself in this terrible time.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

Motley-Nurse…He is an asshole.

If today is a free consultation, make sure you have Your questions written down and get each one of them answered on your meeting. My attorney spent the hour talking mostly about himself and I was having to keep him on track. Good luck today. I hope after your meeting, you feel stronger and mightier.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Cheaters like this should be jailed.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Today is not a free consultation. I’ve already retained the lawyer. Today I turn in all of the financial paperwork and hope to have him served soon

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Rock on, baby!!!!

You’re doing great!

A mighty day under your belt.

Have him served the Friday before Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Sucka!

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Our first court date is on his birthday December 20 . This brings me immense pleasure 🙂

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Thinking of you and your kids today Motley, best vibes and love to you all xxx

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Bring support with you. Only someone you trust with your life.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Motley – I wouldn’t let him take the kids for a visit unless there is an agreement with $ attached.

You can’t break a visitation agreement that doesn’t exist!!

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Yeehaw!! All of your docs! That’s great! Well done!

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Serve him at work…it’s worth the extra cash;)

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

YES that’s what I did!????

NoMoreShitSandwiches
NoMoreShitSandwiches
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Me too!
#wortheverypenny
#supersatisfying

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

I’ve been thinking of you all day and hope it went well. {{Hugs}}

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

It did go well . I’m feeling …ready . Ready to take the control he so foolishly thinks he can impose!

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

The financial abuse on top of the infidelity is an epic insult to injury. Ask your attorney if he/she can recommend a good therapist. They’ve seen it all, and it’s important to distinguish that your attorney is NOT your therapist. They charge for every single phone call, so find someone to help with the emotional abuse.

I hope you live in a fault state. It would be amazing if you could be taken off the bankruptcy because your scumbag husband used funds for his cheating.

No contact is difficult when you’re so vulnerable, but it is your very best defense. If you must communicate, get a new email address specifically for that purpose. Do not answer his calls or texts.

As a nurse, you already have compassion. Don’t waste it on him; your kids and YOU need it more than anyone right now.

Keep coming here for support. You going to be amazed by your own strength. Believe it.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

Another strategy that I have seen suggested here is find somebody to screen your emails for awhile. They read it and give you the info minus the insults and all the cake-y commentary, they can craft your responses minus whatever emotion or hostility you might want to inject. Just the facts, mam!
Keeps you super no contact. Find a third party drop off spot for the kids so you don’t need to see him.
I run a home daycare and many of the divorced parents use me for the drop off pick up and never have to ever see each other.
Not forever, just till you heal a bit and get your sea legs in this thing.

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow is 100% correct on this!

Find someone you can trust and have them proof any email responses. I have a dear friend that does this for me and she has saved me many times. The other day the asshat said he also wanted my dog. I broke down. But my friend saved me and made me realize the true nature of the request and that no response was the best response for now.
Another suggestion, go email contact only. So cut the texting off. Trust me it can be done even having kids. Just use text for a medical emergency which as a nurse you don’t need him for shit right away. Much easier to document and print than scrolling through text messages to provide any proof AND email lets you reply on your own time (like when you don’t have a knee jerk reaction)

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago

Yes, save your heart from unnecessary pain and have someone read your emails from him. Also, don’t try to explain your pain to him. He will never understand or care, and it will just hurt worse.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

The best idea ever !!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Hell, I’d do that for you! It would give me immense satisfaction, and I promise not to inject my own personal agenda. I can sort it out and be your buffer.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

Like the murdered that goes back to the crime scene to enjoy and relive it. He’s a sadistic soul murderer. He’s an evil beast. Not a man.
Knowing his intention was to destroy you, the only thing that will take away his power is to stay determined and strong. Regroup. Rise from the ashes. Kick some ass. Ruin his legacy. He doesn’t get to destroy you. Do the things you’d tell your daughter to do. That’s what my therapist told me. It helps focus your actions through the pain and confusion.
My heart is breaking for you and your children. We are all here for you.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

You’re right. I’ll decide the legacy left for my children !

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Agreed

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago

Financial and relationship abuse is virtual murder. Life stealing. The body just isn’t at the morgue.

WhatRing … you are 100% on it.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

“It feels like I’m drowning. I didn’t know I could be broken like this. I’m having to face that my husband is someone I don’t know. That my marriage that I thought was perfect, was a lie. I didn’t have a plan b or c or d. I didn’t ever consider I’d be left in my 40s used up and alone.”

Motelynurse, I felt the same a little over a year ago. Believe the adage it will get better! (Unfortunately it may get worse sometimes but it WILL get better).

It is ironic because in a way, you ought to be relieved, but you are anything but. Your story reminds me of a cancer analogy. In 1989, my dad new he didn’t feel right but Dr.’s were almost blowing him off. He kept going back and a Dr. noticed his eyes were jaundiced. He had pancreatic cancer. I felt somewhat like you describe and that is also extremely similar to how I felt when STBX left.

The odds were terrible. Less than 5% chance of making it 2 years. He seemed OK but he knew he didn’t feel well. After the surgery, he was in intensive care, he looked terrible. He went home, only to return to the hospital twice for a blood clot in his leg and more surgery for adhesions. He survived and walked me down the aisle 6 months later as I married fuckwit. Irony this was his motivation. Fast forward 21 years, he died at the age of 82- he lived a normal lifespan and had ups and downs of life. He beat the odds.

Your situation is similar in that it sucks and you probably feel like your odds are bad but you are wrong. You are mighty and you will survive. You have data here from a lot of people that proves that.

Keep going, stay the course, it will be better without your fuckwit but it will be difficult.

Hugs, we here are rooting for you! Your husband is the one that is using you up! Get away!

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Thank you so much for taking the time . It means more than I have the words to say

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Agreed 200%!

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I’m glad you got that time with him. This is a good analogy.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Feelingit,
YOU are strong, like your Dad!
Your cheater is far worse than any cancer. There is no Oncologist, chemo or radiation to change his uncaring character.
What gets me most about him is his betrayal of his precious children, his own flesh and blood. That never underestimates his horrible treatment of you Feelingit.
When I read Motlynurse’s unbelievable, ( but not unbelievable to Chumps) story, I thought that Feelingit will understand and she and other Chumps will help MN. You know, you get it, you understand.
It takes a lot of pain to belong to this Nation, but along with membership comes integrity, strength, love and healing!
❤️

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Well said Peacekeeper! This — “It takes a lot of pain to belong to this Nation, but along with membership comes integrity, strength, love and healing!”

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

PK I can’t tell you how your posts just touch me and at the lowest points. I know you are my guardian angel. I read this as I was waiting at the courthouse today while the lawyers met with the judge. It was just like a warm hug!!!

So much is happening all the time. Divorce sucks but it will get better eventually. We got a trial date for June today. The judge said it will need 5 days! It is exactly what I didn’t want but Fuckwit’s lawyer has said he wants me to get as little as possible so despite him blaming me, he is the one giving me no choice. Anything Fuckwit would agree to, would not be fair to me and would probably include me having to clean his toilets or something. He is evil!!! My lawyer will said he will make sure I get a fair settlement.

Thanks so much to chump nation for helping me through. Can’t say it enough.

SilverSlivers
SilverSlivers
6 years ago

Mine e-mailed me he was done right after he found out I was pregnant with our sixth child, emptied our bank accounts, rented a house, and hired a lawyer, all without telling me.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

Omg I feel so badly for you these types of men are pure SCUM! I’m glad I got away from mine it’s nearly a year now but it’s hard FINANCIALLY! He was the bread winner but I’m fighting hard!

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

To both MotleyNurse and SilverSlivers,
So sorry to hear your stories, but welcome to CN. You were both married to sociopathic assholes, and though it will be hell, once you get through, you will be stronger and your kids will learn from you never to settle for abuse, from anybody. Look for divorce attorneys who come recommended as being ready to proceed with litigation if necessary (some of them are more geared towards mediation/”friendly” divorce). This is because a financially abusive narcissist is probably not going to roll over and be fair, without (at least the threat of) legal consequences. Good divorce attorneys understand this. They also usually have advice for how best for the poorer party to finance the legal costs. It’s possible that in the case of clear dissipation of marital assets, cheater will be forced to reimburse you for those. Good luck and take heart. Your friends here are always here to listen.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

Thank you and I agree you are all amazing!????

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

It’s so disgusting I feel horrible my dear a man that can do that is a piece of garbage coward I know mine is the same! Only difference is he waited until my youngest was 9 let him catch him in the act and tell me so GROSSE! In our family home to boot, divorce will be final in Feb. 2018 he makes me sick!

SilverSlivers
SilverSlivers
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

Oops, I wasn’t done.

I had diarrhea for months during my pregnancy and postpartum, insomnia on and off, and lived in what felt like an endless nightmare that I could not believe was happening. I never imagined he would put our children through so much pain and suffering for the sake of fulfilling his … sausage.

I wish I had known about this site back then, but I’m here now. After a year of dealing with this, I think the initial physical shock is wearing off. I don’t know how long the pain will last but I have heard that eventually it will be better.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

Me too mine was so GROSSE he was screwing a neighbour woman who had a DRUG problem and was already cohabiting with another man! As soon as he was out of town working! I made certain all our neighbours and family know everything!

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

SilverSlivers,
Insomnia and shaking were my constant companions for a year. And now? Literally dancing around the house. If you had told me this 2 years ago I NEVER EVER would have believed it.
I hope you can allow the possibility of this to reside in your head – just let that little spark of “maybe” shine. Maybe just maybe I will be happy and thrive. Because you will. If I can anyone can.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

SilverSlivers,

I was left when I was pregnant, too (and after 20 years of marriage). I can relate to the lack of weight gain and no sleep. He made an already high risk pregnancy even higher. Life can only be better free of a person capable of that. It IS painful, but continues to get better all the time. Welcome to CN!!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

Precious SilverSlivers,

{{{HUGS & LOVE}}} to you!

Prayers for you and your children…..So glad you found ChumpNation! So sorry you qualify for citizenship

The POS you bred with is an horrific waste of oxygen!

Love to you as you continue to ForgeOn!!!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

Wow.

You’re a name I don’t recognize. Are you new? Did this recently happen to you?

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Hi. Yes it’s brand new . One day at a time right now . One minute. One breath …

SilverSlivers
SilverSlivers
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I’m new to Chump Nation, yes. I’m amazed that so much of what I experienced is so common. It’s hard to believe there are so many cheaters in the world who do this to their families.

Lifeisgood
Lifeisgood
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

By the time I started to become aware of things, my exH had done so much financial damage, (that I wasn’t even aware of including stealing my identity) my ability to leave with our 3 children was seriously compromised.

When I started reading George Simon, who’s an expert on manipulation, it became clear that that financial abuse prior to leaving is a common tactic. By the time the chump starts to become savvy, he/she is so financially wounded there is little they can do quickly.

My point: Don’t buy his bullshit about being lost or making a ‘mistake’. This was intentional and thought out. This is war – get angry and protect yourself and your kids. It won’t get better. Treat him as the stranger he is that accosted you. Protect your little guy from exposure to that OW who uses mindfuckery as her MO. He’s impressionable still and deserves to have as solid a childhood as possible.

Hugs. Sorry this has happened to you.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

Never again! At the moment I think I’ll find great joy in his desperation . Because it will never work on you again !

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

So true about the financial wounding and manipulation. Come to find out after hiring an accountant that Satan had been ripping me off blind since the day after we got married. He funneled all of our income into separate accounts each month with only his name on it. Telling me for years that we are poor and that he busts his ass at work to give us a life. I was using coupons for groceries and my heels were worn down to nothing because I didn’t think I could spend money. If i did i got bombarded with angry texts and it taught me to just stay in line to keep the peace. I lived in the dark because if the electric bill was more than he wanted it to be it was my fault for being careless and spoiled. My parents looked at our taxes and started telling me that something isn’t right. My accountant took a few minutes to tell me that he’s a con man. We were never poor. He’s refused discovery for basically the entire year in an effort to hide his scheme. I think this hurts just as much as being cheated on. I’m embarrassed and confused as to how this happened. I always wondered why for years he would tell me I’m stupid and have no street smarts. In regards to what I’d say. He’d say you may be able to get degrees but you can’t survive in the real world. Guess Satan was “confessing” and getting a good power rush because I never knew I needed to be protected from him.

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet (and how legal it is for each state/while you are married) consider running his credit report? Just a thought I remember seeing here some where and wished I had.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago

How can there be so many of them out There? I will do everything I can in my power to stop the cycle !

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

I am right there with you. And I truly believe you can stop the cycle. Kids do see thru all this. And they need the sane parent so much. It’s so hard. I know. But it is what can stop the cycle. Your kids don’t have to be like him. Keep doing what you are doing. Just keep being yourself. You are everything good and magical to your kids. It’s amazing what you can overcome.

Lifeisgood
Lifeisgood
6 years ago

Don’t beat yourself up.

It’s not normal to have “street smarts” around your husband.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

This is so so true! And exactly what these thugs are counting on.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago

OMG, I hope you get most of the money.
He has to pay the piper eventually.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Good point Nejla. Thats why we dont have their version of “street smarts”… we won’t hurt people for our own gain.

Thanks FreeWoman I’m just praying my lawyer gets my money and stuff back. I feel like you’re supposed to trust your spouse but then everything that happens to us feels like a punishment for trusting.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Exactly I know 200%!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

I so agree my ex husband is the scum of the Earth and I’m only just realizing the tip of the iceberg! This creep hasn’t done enough damage yet to me and our kids and get this now I’m getting mail from Income tax in Canada that he’s trying to qualify for a tax credit for children under the age of 18 years that is only available to LOW income earners! You must make under $50.000 per year and he was in the bracket of $120,000 last year.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago

Ah yes, the old “street smarts”. They all have “street smarts” if it means do whatever you want to get what you want…I got a lot of “you are so naive” and “I’ve never met anyone like you. The world doesn’t work that way”, in response to my doing the right thing in a situation. Good riddance.

soveryshocked
soveryshocked
6 years ago
Reply to  SilverSlivers

oh my god @SilverSlivers he set you up for battle and emailed you! I’m so sorry, I hope you are doing ok, where do these evil people come from? I hope you have some support.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago

Motleynurse I am so sorry you are going thru this. I am a few months in and I understand what a nightmare it is. Please trust yourself and know that you are dealing with someone who does not have your best interest at heart. It sucks to have to imagine the worst about someone but I have found that is exactly what you must do to survive this ordeal. And you will survive It! Stay away from them and try to keep your kids away from them as much as possible. Be the beautiful person you are and show that to your kids. Let others help you. Remember that there are kind people in the world but your husband isn’t one of those people. And you and your children deserve love.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Agreed that is lovely!????

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Exactly and Motleynurse you will survive this hell I know mine is still fresh also I felt sick for weeks but each day I get a tiny bit stronger it’s horrible! The worst part I found was even though my husband is GARBAGE why would the other woman knowing full well he’s married, participate? I guess they are both fucked up!????

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

I’m pretty angry tonight but I feel like they perfectly deserve each other . They can lose for the rest of their lives together

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Carol one of many casual OW my cheater was involved with said, “Sorry if you got hurt. He asked me out for a drink and I thought why not.” She knew he was newly married & said her ex had been a cheater too. When I asked why she could mess with a married after knowing how it felt to be betrayed, she said, “Oh I went off my husband when he stopped cheating. I found him boring.” !!! WTF? How screwed up is that?

Thing is she recently married a man she’s obviously besotted with. She described him as her soul mate. Hmm…hope karma is watching.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

I agree WTF these types of people are psychos and my lawyer said these predators are everywhere they call them “HUSBAND POACHERS”! They are insecure losers that want a man at any COST and want to be taken care of! These stupid men that fall for them everytime they also get used and dumped! Karma is a bitch!????

Indomitable
Indomitable
6 years ago

Does his employer know what is going on in the workplace? MAybe they should be told.

The absolutely worst, paralyzing anxiety for me occurred in the time after D Day and before I could tell my children that their magical lives were going to change forever. If I had a do-over, I would have told them immediately. I barely slept for three weeks and that was a very unhealthy state. When I told them, they cried and clung to me. F**kwit was there (as recommended by a counsellor) and sat there with a stupid look on his face. He didn’t shed a tear…just got up and left. I wouldn’t do that again either. Once the mask is off these arseholes, chumps should assume their independence, including communication to their children. Tell them the truth, tell them that what has happened is unacceptable and that you going to carry on and find your own way as a family unit and that you will be fine. I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now. It is devastating as I so well remember. You are doing the right things – getting a lawyer, taking time to recover and looking after your family. Go no contact or at best, gray rock. There is nothing in it for you to be communicating with him other than for basic visitation with your son. Circle the wagons with loved ones and see if you can find some chumps in your area for moral support (see the Forum for Chump Meetups).

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

You are so right. Every time I think I can not be surprised again , Comes with a new horrific surprise . No more. He doesn’t get to feel my pain to make him feel more. He’s not moore. Never has been and never will be . And with every passing moment he is less …

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

I know it’s horrible my kids both knew what was happening before I ever did and I’m actually relieved that I didn’t have to tell them! The first slut my husband slept with was a drug addict and told me he didn’t even use protection!????

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

Indomitable- Love your name and message!!!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

Agreed

struggling
struggling
6 years ago

Mine also said some shit about choosing his own happiness over his kids. Gives me chills to this day to remember it.

I didn’t have chump nation at the time and had no idea how to handle telling the kids. I did do it with him, it was excruciating. I did participate in a certain amount of gaslighting the kids, a decision I came to regret, though eventually as they asked me questions I answered them honestly. You don’t have to trash him to the kids, but you don’t have to protect him either.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Why do all the counseling sites say to do it together ?! Seriously ?! I pictured pain on my children’s face Woodburn into his mind and he would remember it forever . He had no care, no emotion . It’s not about them to him . He cannot see outside of himself .

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Here’s the short answer for that–the counseling sites are talking about two normal people divorcing because they can’t get along or because they aren’t compatible in the first place. They aren’t talking about divorcing a disordered ClusterB type steroid uses. Think of it this way: if your X had a history of felonious assault on other people or murder or rape, would they recommend you sit down and tell the kids together? I would hope not. You would be shielding the kids from his craziness and violence. But this psychological abuser and disordered behavior isn’t what divorce sites are comfortable dealing with. They ought to shut down, though, because that advice is not great for many people.

The good part for you is that with getting away, you can start to get hold of the narrative and be clear about things. I was thinking about this as I drove home tonight. Whatever else you do, fight for no overnights for this man. And document everything you can, especially his behavior of having sex with OW while still married to you where her kids can walk in. As you find out more, there may be other stuff that is very shady in terms of his judgment with kids. And document the steroids. Make the case that he cannot be trusted with the kids overnight. I’m sure there are other reasons here. You may be able to leverage his desire to keep his job in return for full custody. You can threaten to depose the OW and people at his work who might have seen them. Play hardball.

Motleynurse
Motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

They work together. He’s in a power position . I am Magent his job is on the line as it is. But everything I read is that I want him to keep that job no matter what . He makes three times what I make . He has bragged about how much she makes . Guess we’ll see how much she likes getting the leftovers .

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Motleynurse

I love it agreed!????

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Agreed 200% I was told in counseling to NEVER trash the piece of shit be the bigger person, I know it’s hard but well worth it! My ex husband was trashing me constantly so sick and pathetic but I know that my kids know the truth!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Exactly!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Mine texted the following:
“I love my kids. They will just have to accept who makes me happy.”

That statement is just filled with proof of his obvious love for them…

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Instant vomiting

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I know exactly mine too he has all his affairs in our FAMILY home same floor as the kids bedrooms, GROSSE and NO laws against this filth in Canada!????????????

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Funny how there are so many parallels. When I said that this would be his legacy to our daughter, that he was willing to implode her family all for what. That this would affect her for generations. He just rolled his eyes and said “kids are resilient, she’ll get over it.”

Funny thing is that at first she didn’t understand. She was 2 and had no ability to really question what was happening. But as she gets older she asks more questions, tries to makes sense of it all, and I’d say it’s harder for her now than it was when it first happened. She talks about hating having to switch between houses and wishes she could be a baby again because then her whole family was together.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

My kids WILL ‘get over it’ because I’m the sane parent. I didn’t leave them or leave the family, or the family house or the town or anything else. I’m still here and I will be regardless.

So far, the ex moved out of our house, then moved out of our town, then moved his can of Alp-Ho and her 3 kids in and now MY kids have to share him with his fantasy family and twu wuv. My 9 year old is figuring out that her dad tossed us all, not just me. When she angry about not being able to see him as much as she used to (when he was living with us) she gets mad at me and threatens to move in with him. I know now to not take it personally, but I also know that in time, when the shit hits the fan, I’m going to be the one who she realizes can be counted on. In the meantime, I’ll deal with the fallout of her realization the discard he has imposed upon her and her sister in favor of those he’s not even related to. And the bullshit of his “just wanting to be happy”? yeah. That will also come out over time.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Your comment makes me fearful. It’s so unfair.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Sunflower – Yes!! My kids healed as much as possible because I kept my promises to them. I made sure they understood it too. My son is an 30 now. He says often that I kept my promises to them and that meant he could focus on growing up, knowing I was reliable for them.

Ispyacheater
Ispyacheater
6 years ago

My son was 10 months old when Cheaterpants and I divorced. I remember at one point asking him if he realized what he was doing to our son that our son would never have his two parents together.
Cheatepants said, “Oh divorce isn’t that bad, my parents are divorced and I’m fine.” (Um okay!!)
Cheaterpants went on to tell me our son would be fin, he was doing this (cheating) for his son. Cheaterpants said one day his son would understand that Dad leaving made him happier, therefore he could be a better dad because he was happier.
That was 6 years ago, my son has seen his ‘much happier’ dad 4 times.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Ispyacheater

They really don’t care to see outside of themselves do they?

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

Utter selfishness and lack of empathy-hallmarks of a narcissist

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Ispyacheater

Wow, it never stops amazing me how similar stories can be. My ex started pursuing a co worker right after our first child was born. We had been married for 10 years and our kid was 6 month old when DD1 happened. He said that he wanted to be a happier person for his son and he thought this other woman could make him happy. He said divorce was not a big deal and kids turn out fine.

champchump
champchump
6 years ago

SJ, “The kids will be fine” seems like SUCH a common cheater brushoff.

I think deep down inside they know perfectly well the kids won’t be fine, but their own impulse gratification is so much higher on their priority list they’re powerless to accommodate anyone but themselves.

My sister’s ex had an affair with the babysitter shortly after their youngest child was born. (He was a 40-year-old college professor and she was his 20-year-old undergraduate student.) He eventually discarded my sister and they divorced when the baby was about 2.

That baby is now 21, and I saw her over Thanksgiving. We were having a discussion about family, and she said, “Dad isn’t such a good guy. What he did was NOT GOOD.” Even though her father has been an involved parent and shared custody of the kids, and his kids love him, that 2-year-old eventually figured out that he isn’t a good person. I don’t know when she figured it out, but she clearly knows it at this point.

In my case, my kids figured out their father wasn’t a good guy well before we knew he was cheating, well before the discard and abandonment. Well before I knew. Kids KNOW.

As CL says, you will always be home for her.

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  champchump

♥️

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I didn’t tell my kids at the time because I had wreconciliation fantasies…in retrospect, that was a huge mistake…I should have told the kids the truth so that they understood that 1) we were being abused and abandoned 2) I had never taken the intactness of their family lightly…I have friends who never told kids and when they threw cheaters out, the kids believed the mom tore up their family over one small disagreement.

Chimp nation didn’t exist when I went through mine, it was quite a while ago, but there is great mightiness coaching here that can help

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

ditto! That is the flaw in the mainstream logic of keep the children in the dark, speak highly of cheater no matter what, do not let the children know what you really think or what you are going through… This kind of behavior only extends your chumpiness and models stuffing your feelings which extends the cycle of abuse. The chump is modeling acceptance of abuse not strength.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Well I’m fucked, my kids where home when the shit went down and I threw him out. One climbed a tree in the yard to get away, the other went in his room. I was raging and hysterical.. I will say that a year on they are doing pretty damn well, who knows what the future brings, they are 12 and 10. I don’t sugar coat things but try and teach them compassion and honesty whilst letting them know that there are some real fuckers in the world and most importantly judge by actions not words!

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Month after year of caring for them will bring healing to their memories of that day. When they are old enough, you can talk to them about it, and they will have a deeper understanding of the pressure you were under. You recovered. You regrouped. You rebuilt. THAT is mighty, and that is the mother they know.

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

You now belong to a club full of women in their 40’s who aren’t washed up. The way you’re feeling is normal….we’ve all been there and can tell you that there are good and bad days. But….you need to just go through the moments, feel what you need to feel and know that you will come out the other side. This is your life NOW, this will not be your life forever. Deep breaths and one day at a time. When you feel overwhelmed, write, read here, write in the forums. Go no contact immediately- let your lawyer do the talking. You can’t and don’t control him. Live for you and your kids- act as though he doesn’t exist. Do the minimum you have to where he is concerned. You will soon begin to see him for who he is- you had nothing to do with this. I tell my ten year old- look at his actions, don’t listen to his words. It really does get better. From today you are no longer living a LIE. You will make it through this. ((Hugs))

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

♥️

motleynurse
motleynurse
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

If I’ve learned nothing else today, I’ve learned I will not lie to my children for him . I want bash him. But I’ll no longer tell them that he loves you more than anything . I will never make another excuse for him .

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  motleynurse

There ya go. The truth sets you and the kids free.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Agreed Pret I’m determined at age: 49, 50 I’m Feb I’m moving forward and I will find a decent man who loves me for just ME! I don’t need some egotistical bastard who thinks he can use and abuse women as play toys in my Family home!????

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Motleynurse…I hope you soon consider changing your name to “Mightynurse”…I too was a nurse in my 40s with 3 kids at home and a mean-ass cheater who gave his loyalty and love to Susan of Seattle but demanded cake and reassurances from me…it was a midfuck of Biblical proportions.

I chose to believe him when he said that he was moving far away (within driving range of Susan) but that they were done…in all likelihood, I actually ordered the certified check to put down the deposit on his apt where they fucked for 18 months (cake, cake cake cake cake cake). He later returned home and acted like nothing ever happened…refused therapy, refused to discuss it, refused to answer my questions.

I actually lived this mess for 5 years after he returned home…it was complicated by both adult sons having major mental health crisis, one with a baby/babymomma…then cheater dropped dead. I later found proof (in his papers) that his affair was (of course) worse than he ever admitted. 2 years after that I learned he was a serial cheater.

So suck abounded in my life. Lots of baby steps but I got my sons launched, supported my daughter through HS and into college, stayed committed to my work, rekindled a romance with a nice fellow I dated 30 years earlier and for my 50th birthday, he took me on a yacht cruise on the Aegean (with a cook) and proposed. Results will vary, I can’t promise an Aegean yacht cruise and a rich second husband, but Im in my 50s now and life is very good.

Please know that we all really did live this horrid nightmare and got through. You will have this… working through the problems take time, but you will eventually get there.