Freak of the Week

thongThis contest was proposed to me by my husband (a former chump) as we got to comparing freakish cheater details of our own stories, and people we know. (Yeah, I know, don’t invite us to cocktail parties.)

We’ve done Stupid Shit Cheater’s Say, and biggest lie you ever bought, and chumpiest thing you did for them.

Today we’re just focusing on weird shit. We know a fellow whose (now ex) wife had special wedding rings crafted for when she and her OM had trysts. That’s a contender!

The object here is to be as SUCCINCT as possible. No essays! You can comment on other people’s Freak of the Week submissions, but each submission needs to be three brief sentences, tops.

For example, my submission would go like this.

1) He had the same mistress for over 20 years and three marriages.

2) OW and ex apparently had a kid together and she passed the paternity off on her brother-in-law.

3) After boinking his OW in Vermont, he drove home and presented me with a one-pound bag of coffee.

The winner of the contest gets me immortalizing the crazy in cartoon form.

One caveat — GladIt’sOver may not play this game. No one can compete with the dancing Sasquatch. This is a contest for amateurs, not professionals. (You know, the sort of professional thespian who quits his job and lives in basements.) I’m sorry Glad, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll draw you a dancing Sasquatch.

Okay, chumps — show me your freak stories!

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StayPuft
StayPuft
10 years ago

I secretly tried on my wedding dress for him right before our wedding and he told me that OW would say my thighs are too heavy, but she would love my shoes. Then he suggested we get a prenup. That was my DDay.

StayPuft
StayPuft
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Tip of the iceberg, CL. Tip of the iceberg. ๐Ÿ™‚

Srsly
Srsly
10 years ago

The OW was a married seminary student (now a pastor of her own church)(leading people down the path of righteousness). The affair has spanned the birth of two children. The husband is the only person who doesn’t know (but he’s a mega-cheater too, so no one feels bad for him).

Srsly
Srsly
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hahahaha. That’s awesome. Wonder if it’s on her resume…. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Chrissybob
Chrissybob
10 years ago
Reply to  Srsly

Sinister Minister…..that’s my new band name.

Deanna
Deanna
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Awesome! Is that one all yours?

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wow! “A name for it?” SO SAD! Nothing like being preyed upon in the one place you SHOULD be safe…

namedforvera
namedforvera
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I also found out it’s so prevalent there’s a term for the ministers who have to clean up the churches afterwards. They’re called “After Pastors”. I (innocently) asked what that meant… well, they’re the ministers who come…after… whatever, but usually sexual malfeasance between the minister (sinister) and member(s) of the congregation. Like, for example, my STBX father in law, who hit on his choir, his congregation, his graduate students (a theology Prof s well as minister.) Nice! Also a lesson in abusing structural power relations. I happen to think ministers are often a special brand of NPs.

CW
CW
10 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

The “sinister ministers” are the best-qualified to find the right Bible verses to justify their behavior. So not only do they not think anything is wrong, but look, God is OK with it too!

Religion would be such a wonderful thing if we just kept the humans out of it.

Bev
Bev
10 years ago

He told the MC ( when asked why he was so angry) that he had “no voice” in having children with me. The children are 13 and 16 and he jacked off into a cup and took it to be tested because we were having trouble getting pregnant. He also accompanied me to the fertility doctor visits every single time….even the idiot MC couldn’t respond to that one ๐Ÿ™‚

Another Rebecca
Another Rebecca
10 years ago
Reply to  Bev

My husband says that too. Eight years of infertility, two rounds of IVF, and he got trapped into staying with me by the pregancy. I use this to remind myself that his reality is total unreality. Who else would argue about whether surgically injected sperm is deliberate or not?!

Hotmess
Hotmess
10 years ago

Yep, we have teen triplets and I got the same speech. I never really wanted to have kids, did it to please you. Really? I can think of a few other things that might please me better now….

Chrissybob
Chrissybob
10 years ago
Reply to  Bev

My friend is going through the same exact thing! Two kids, both invitro. Thousands of dollars and fertility doctor visits and yet he was “duped”. It’s stunning.

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago

Great idea, CL, I offer two, please imagine the dulcet tones of the Deliverance theme while reading…..

Comedy: Mr Fab screwed his younger brother’s ex, same woman as his elder brother allegedly had an affair with, and she used to work late at these boys’ Daddy’s pub. But it is Tawoo Wuvv.

Tragedy: But they can’t move in together, because her state benefits would be stopped. So the state pays for a flat directly downstairs from his, and DD is expected to lump it, despite having had to share her room in Dad’s flat with cousin/sibling for the past six months.

Makes you feel Meh to have to put it in this way, thanks Tracy!

ThatGirl
ThatGirl
10 years ago

Ohhh I have a few!

1. WXH slept nude, but also had a “few” hygiene issues. It was such a treat to be greeted by skid marked sheets when making the bed.

2. OW #WhoKnows on DDay #WhoCares responded to the NC email then WH sent by addressing me “Bitch you better watch your back! I know where you live! You never know when I”ll come leap on your ass!!” Yep. OW was an ugly bullfrog.

3. After finding emails of lovely hairy crotch selfies of his newly pregnant OW on his computer, then WH is OFFENDED that I would wonder if he was the father.

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  ThatGirl

I cannot get #1 out of my head. That is just beyond gruesome.

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  ThatGirl

How dare you!

Michelle
Michelle
10 years ago

The EX had multiple cell phones through the last few years and the last time he “butt dialed” me on his “real phone” while driving home talking to a fling on the other phone. I heard the whole 1 sided conversation all the way to my front door when I was still on my phone listening. He told her “my wife doesn’t even know about this phone. She wouldn’t understand about it or us”. I was hanging out the window as he pulled in the driveway telling him I heard it all and I could hear my own voice through his phone. Snagged! (still gave him another year though). UGH!!!

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Michelle

Sweet!

Red
Red
10 years ago

XH converted to Catholicism for me 8 years into our marriage. After leaving me for OW, he was attending mass, taking communion, and working on his Knights of Columbus degrees to impress a colleague…while ALSO converting to and becoming a deacon in OW’s Seventh Day Adventist Church to impress her. The overlap was for about six months, until our divorce was final.

LOOKING LIKE “a good Christian” was more important to him than actually being one.
Wonder if he’ll get extra time in hell for the blasphemy?

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Was he looking for God maybe?

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

One of the MANY reasons religion gets such a bad rap – “talking the talk” without “walking the walk” because they think they’re special and the rules don’t apply to them.

Judgement Day’s gonna be brutal…

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

I’m not Catholic and so I do apologise if I cause any offense but I get the idea that all sins are forgiven during the last rites. As a nation, we Brits (well, those ones of us who strongly disagreed with Iraq) believe this is why Tony Blair converted after he left office.

Julie
Julie
10 years ago
Reply to  jayne

They’re only forgiven if you’re TRULY sorry for all of them. So don’t worry , we know they aren’t truly sorry, so they’ll be going to the burny place all in due time.

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  jayne

just to be clear – I mean the invasion of Iraq – not Iraq itself! ๐Ÿ˜€

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

My ex, who claims to be a very good Christian, once told me all of our problems, including his staggering level of infidelity, was caused by my being agnostic. These days he likes to say he tries to be just like Jesus.

FLBright
FLBright
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

One of my favorite things that my Southern Baptist XH said to me (in the most sincere and “bless your heart” sort of way) was ” I know you THINK you’re a christian, but you’re not.” Uh, ok.

Nicole
Nicole
10 years ago
Reply to  FLBright

My Ex is fond of ending all his emails to me with a scripture verse. The first time he did this, I responded back with Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” He responded back that I was “harassing” him and that “God has forgiven him already and he is now sinless in the eyes of God.” He continues to this day to put a scripture verse at the end of every email he sends (we have to communicate still as we have two children). He takes passive-aggressive to a whole new level…

Nicole
Nicole
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The whole idea of him spouting off scripture just sickens me. It has really tested my faith which meant so much to me. I am slowly coming back around to reconnecting spiritually and finding a new church, but it has been a tough journey. I can’t help but think that God has a special (unpleasant) plan for those who through their actions lead others away from Him.

Get this, lately he has taken to calling our youngest son almost every night and reading scripture to him over the phone (oldest son – who is almost an adult – is seldom home when he calls due to work/sports/older teen social life). I’m not sure how to stop this – in our separation agreement he is allowed to have unsupervised contact with both our boys by phone/email as much as he desires. I am just praying that they are developing strong BS detectors and will see him for who he really is in time.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

He’ll over do it sooner than you think. My ex over compensated for his sinning by forcing the kids into a Christian private school then moving out to be with his whore. He kept in contact with both by texting them and putting some sort of Christian redemptive spin on everything — even pictures sent from a rodeo he was attending. The kids burned out on it real fast. Their attitude ranged from disgust to outrage to amused. They never said anything to his face though.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Wow! He can preach but if you call him on it, you’re “harassing” him?

SO typical!!!

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Classic narcissism trait: wanting “special status” that is not commensurate with your achievements or actions.

My ex used to say she was more “spiritual” then I was. She was more full of bullshit is what she was more of.

Miss Nigeria
Miss Nigeria
10 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Is your ex Nigerian?

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

so God sent him a ‘get out of jail free card’ did he? Wow! Now wonder he’s rapidly disappearing up his own arse!

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Well, FWIW, my ex was an atheist and saw me (raised Catholic, though these days attending Episcopal church) as an old-fashioned and overly sentimental old fart. And I’m sure that part of narrative in cheating was that it was a way for her to connect with hipper, more sophisticated modern people, like her, who aren’t bogged down by ancient traditions and oppressive dogma.

WTF-ever.

I think there are plenty of cheaters of every stripe, from “born again” to atheist, but I understand the special stench of hypocrisy that hovers around the Jesus Cheaters.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

“Jesus Cheaters” snort, I won’t tell you what picture that brought up in my head, good one

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Tiger Woods was Buddhist. Same stench, I think, as I was unable to locate “sleep with lots of whores and lie to your wife all the time” on the Eight-fold Path; that pretty much disregards numbers 2, 3 and 4 ( right intention, right speech, and right action).

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Tiger Woods is a Buddhist about as much as my schnauzer is Kyrgyzstan’s ambassador to the United Nations.

chumppalla
chumppalla
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

hahaha!

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Ha!

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Red, a friend’s ex gave up beer for Lent while having an affair.

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Um….small matter of the Seventh Commandment.

He’s gojn’ down to the burny place.

As an art historian I can assure you that, in Hell, she will have her breasts torn by serpents eternally, while he gets raped by demons. Ghirlandhaio does not lie!

Julie
Julie
10 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

“burny place”, LOL, hilarious, I just choked on my cheeseburger.

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

“Burny place.” LOL. It will be a freakazoid cheater reunion party down there, I think.

Bev
Bev
10 years ago

I also kept wondering how he was coming up with so much crap to tell the MC at each session. I snooped in his work binder and found the list ( spark note version) of everything that was wrong with me and why everything was all my fault written on the back of my Victoria Secret catalog that he had swiped ( and he wasn’t ordering from the catalog either if you get my drift ).

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Bev

Mine also had a list. It included things like:

1. I spent too much. (He’s a college professor; he never earned enough.)
2. He didn’t like how I was raising the kids. (He couldn’t be bothered 95% of the time.)
3. We didn’t entertain enough. (HE entertained. I did all the work.)
4. I wasn’t religious enough. (As opposed to him, cheating on me.)

I never made a list of HIS faults, although he had plenty. Wonder if this is part of “Cheater 101: How to Justify the Affair” course? Because all cheaters seem to one…

Nicole
Nicole
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Mine went to our last MC session with a two page spreadsheet where he had documented for over a month every single hour he observed me spending on “work” (i.e. such as the 8+hours a day at my job, housework, yard work, cooking, caring for children) and every single hour he observed me doing “leisure activities” such as showering, reading, watching TV, etc. Yes, he had a spreadsheet with exact (to the minute) times and details on each “activity.” His purpose was to show the MC that I spent a total of 3 hours less per week on “work” than he did (as he also cataloged his activities on a separate 2-page spreadsheet). Once I pointed out my 1.5 total hour commute each day to work (he worked from home as a “consultant”), the scale tipped in my favor. He looked horrified when I pointed that out. I looked horrified that he would do such a thing and WHY? Just another one of his many bizarre, controlling actions.

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Mine kept a journal which was supposedly for work. After I decided to read it I discovered he was writing about me as I walked around the house. Creep.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

OMG, what a freak! How about the time he spent compiling that spreadsheet? That right there tipped the scale in your favor. The level of self absorption and entitlement of these monsters boggles my mind.

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Ditto! What a control freak! I hope the MC called him out on his shit there!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

My STBX made a list too – right before he embarked on his last two affairs!!!! Is that something that they teach in cheater school? Is that a lower level or upper level class?

coralf
coralf
10 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Mine also had a list and offered to read it to me.

I knew better and declined the offer, but I still wasn’t recognising the emotional abuse yet.

I agree 100% that it is right there in the “Cheating for dummies” book that they all read.

river
river
10 years ago
Reply to  coralf

Mine had a list of my faults too! OMG

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  river

Me too, and he also said his list (which he never shared until he decided to walk out) was the reason he was leaving me. Makes me feel so much better to know this is classic cheater behavior!

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago
Reply to  river

I got the same list AND an 8 page Master’s dissertation on what was wrong with our marriage. Of course, he never knew until he had a relationship with a whore to compare it to. That’s why it took him 25+ years to figure it out.

They are so universal in their “it’s not my fault, it’s yours” point of view that the only way to deal with it is to truly go no contact. Don’t give the insanity a chance to invade your head.

Char
Char
10 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

I’d bet all of us have had “lists” made about our faults by the ex – seems de rigueur for the cheaters of the world.

Deborah
Deborah
10 years ago

Here it goes….
1. Bought me a t-shirt with a long haired chihuahua’s face on it as I have a long haired chihuahua and bought himself a t-shirt with a pig face on it.
2. Post break up sent me a computer typed letter via snail mail which arrived on April Fools Day (Now know as the April Fools Letter) admitting to going once while we were together to get a hand job at a massage parlor (while I was in Paris for work and he was taking care of my dog), and twice to the same woman he met on Craigs List Casual Encounters. Then he signed the letter with his name typewritten underneath the signature! (that had me laughing out loud).

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago
Reply to  Deborah

LOL!

AC
AC
10 years ago

How about an X who is a total germaphobe, who would stare down and harass anyone who so much as clears their throat, for spreading germs. But who himself would publicly pick residue from any of his orifices and sniff it like a monkey. Who in addition, would solicit all kinds of favors from escorts, bdsm workers, and other skank and seemingly not consider the inherent risks of those germ factories. Then, when presented with evidence that I have an STD and I have never had sex with anyone but him, he prevaricates that he’s “all clear” despite reoccurring funkyness on his penis! Oh the irony!

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
10 years ago
Reply to  AC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4A1tWzlJW8

As soon as you said “and sniff it like a monkey” – this video clip immediately came to mind. LOL ๐Ÿ˜€

Hannah Louise
Hannah Louise
10 years ago
Reply to  AC

He”d “publicly pick residue from any of his orifices and sniff it like a monkey.”.

This is hilarious!

river
river
10 years ago

XH worked in a service industry. Let’s say he was a plumber. When he would mention someone, I would ask “Is he/she a client?” and he would answer “Yes, she is a fan.”

A “fan”. Of a PLUMBER. I think that is freaky all around.

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  river

“Is that a monkey wrench in your jumpsuit, or are you just glad to see me?”

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago

Hi Chumps, I’m a new poster, but I can play this!

During his last few months in the house, my ex spirited away some of his prized possessions and I kept a list of things that disappeared.

One entry read, “Gas masks and porn.”

I did not realize how odd my ex was until after I started writing this stuff down!

paula
paula
10 years ago
Reply to  RobinLee

Oh Robin!! This is fantastic. Almost spit my coffee all over my computer!

CW
CW
10 years ago
Reply to  RobinLee

Dang, my sex life must have been ridiculously boring, I never thought of gas masks (well, it is now considering I’ve been celibate for the past 9 months thanks to my now-XW…Yep, it’s official now!).

Seriously though, so sorry you had to go through that. You’re in the right place.

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  RobinLee

“Gas masks and porn.” Just, wow. As Kelly Bundy used to say, “The mind wobbles.”

Makes me imagine other survival-equipment / sex-toy combos:

“Life jackets and dildos.”
“Snorkels and lube”
“Road flares and ribbed rubbers”
“Snow shoes and strap-ons”
“Canteens and c*ck rings”

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I am still laughing! Last night, I was at a Christmas function and more combinations popped into my head…just couldn’t stop myself. (No, I said none of this out loud, but I looked happy which was good since I attended by myself!) Here we go…

“Night Vision and nipple clamps”
“Water preservative and penis pump”
“Mason jars and merkins”
“Oh honey, don’t forget your ghillie suit and kama sutra!”

chumppalla
chumppalla
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

hahahaha! Robin, Nomar & everyone who piled on – thank you for the belly laugh! ahahahaha!!!

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

You are on a roll today Nomar!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

This was hilarious!!! I’m glad I’m alone right now – I’d hate to have to explain what’s so funny!

river
river
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I love snorkels and lube! I can just picture the redneck guys in my town sniffling, hoisting up their pants, and saying “Yep, headin’ down to the ol’ snorkel and lube. Got a big weekend planned.”

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

HA HA HA! That is all kinds of awesome.

Blow-up doll and life preserver (either can be used interchangeably)

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

you guys are killin me, hahaha

dildos and duct tape

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

You can do anything with duct tape!

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  RobinLee

Yeah and I like thinking about the damage you could do ripping off the duct tape!

notyou
notyou
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Bwahahahaha!

Viagra and V-Clamps!??

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

You guys are too funny! I’d wondered if it was just my sense of humor. My favorite is, โ€œSnow shoes and strap-onsโ€. But that sounds like someone chasing Sasquatch;-)

Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days
Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days
10 years ago
Reply to  RobinLee

Impressive debut RobinLee. Well done and welcome!

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago

Thank you for the warm welcome! You all have emboldened me to make another submission at the bottom of the page:-) Hope that’s allowed?

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, I almost spewed tea through my nose reading this! My eyes are watering from trying to hold back the laughs! Don’t want to wake up son and have to explain what’s so funny!

GoBeAwesome
GoBeAwesome
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Ha I almost spewed tea too. ๐Ÿ™‚
Since reading this I have been humming and thinking to myself:

C-clamps and ball-gags all tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things….

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Bromide and butt plugs….

ReDefining Me
ReDefining Me
10 years ago

Charming exH had one sister who was killed in a car accident while we were married. He used the excuse of her death to explain why he kept returning to his hometown (in Europe) for weeks at a time – he told me he was working on adopting her surviving 8 year old daughter. Turns out the documents he requested from me for the “adoption” were really for a visa application for the OW – the one he had the entire 10 years we were married; the one he swore on his (now dead) sister’s life that he wasn’t cheating with…and the trips were used to set up an entire house (cars, furniture) with the OW while still married to me and expecting our 2nd child.

Oh, and the other excuse that he used for his “travel” was that his mother’s cancer was back and she was dying. Turns out she wasn’t sick….at all. That’s my prince.

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago
Reply to  ReDefining Me

I hope that there is a special circle of Hell waiting just for him.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  ReDefining Me

He is truly a demon walking on earth. Sociopath.

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  ReDefining Me

OMG!

Violet
Violet
10 years ago

My XH wrote me a proposal he called “The House Bet”. He wanted to be free to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted for a year. If, after the year, he did not want to still be married to me, he would give me the house. If, after the year, I did not want to be married to him but he wanted to come back, I had to give him the house. He says in there he is so sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he is willing to bet the house on it.
Lucky me!!!!

chumppalla
chumppalla
10 years ago
Reply to  Violet

I vote Violet for the win! THAT’s hilarious. Cartoon-worthy.

Chris
Chris
10 years ago
Reply to  Violet

Heads, you lose; Tails, you lose. I hope you RAN FAST away from him!

Violet
Violet
10 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Exactly! I did. And I got the house anyway. HA!

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Violet

Good on ya!

Janet
Janet
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

My H wanted to buy me a house and when I told him No Thanks he told me I was an ungrateful bitch

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Violet

LOL!

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  Violet

That is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.

Waiting for Karma
Waiting for Karma
10 years ago

This should come with a warning but here goes:

1. X was operated on for a fistula and had an open wound in his nether region (I termed it the “mangina”) and went straight from the hospital to the OW bed. I’m guessing she never used those sheets again.

2. X took OW to a football game and then spent the remainder of the evening rolling around with her in a dog park in fido and friends excrement.

3. X set up a secret facebook group so he and OW could communicate. He called it the Scooby Doo Aficionado Club. WTF?

bonkti
bonkti
10 years ago

Isn’t the expression “when the doo hits the afficianado” or something like that?

Sounds like the perfect name for their club.

nomar
nomar
10 years ago

Okay, that’s pretty mean for him to refer to his OW as “Scooby Doo.” [snort]

Waiting for Karma
Waiting for Karma
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I was insulted for poor Scooby.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago

ruh roh shaggy

You’re *waiting* for Karma to paste this guy? Karma’s got a gun to his back pushing him down the track!

Waiting for Karma
Waiting for Karma
10 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

You’re right, I need a change of moniker. Especially since he has been arrested twice since our separation and is now facing a string of criminal charges. After I found out about the last affair, I was an emotional wreck. Through my tears I asked him why he would do something like this to me. His answer? I knew you’d get through it, you’re resilient. Yes, more than you know buddy.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago

Wow. Ok, so how ’bout “Karma’s *MY* Bitch” ?

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago

Here are examples from my family:

1. My uncle had two families in Dallas for 10 years. I always wondered why he was so tired when we visited.

2. My grandfather ran off with my grandmother’s best friend. He had a journalist friend write an obituary reporting that he and OW had been killed in a car wreck so my grandmother (who had 5 kids) wouldn’t look for him.

3. My ex’s coworker’s kids called him “Uncle” in front of me once. I asked my ex why they did this and he said “they call everybody Uncle.”

Escaped
Escaped
10 years ago

After telling me about the exit affair in sordid detail and dumping me, “You need to activate texting on our phone plan. The new flame and I prefer texting with each other”.

Dawn
Dawn
10 years ago
Reply to  Escaped

How did I miss this one…that is completely ridiculous!

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  Escaped

You have got to be kidding me

Still a chump
Still a chump
10 years ago

This is related to the OW. When I confronted her with the fact that I knew she and my husband were having an affair, I said (among other things): You had sex with my husband in an alley! She said back to me: No, that ‘s not true. (pause) It was a parking lot.

Well that makes it so much better, dontcha think?

Casey
Casey
10 years ago
Reply to  Still a chump

What is it with parking lots???? My ex, a douchebag cop, would screw his little married coworker in the back of our truck at either the college parking lot, or the FOP lodge parking lot. Oh, and the kids carseat was in the back seat. How classy!!! LMAO!

Hannah Louise
Hannah Louise
10 years ago
Reply to  Casey

“What is it with parking lots????”

I know! My hubby pulled “it” out in the parking lot of an after school care facility while his AP waited for her kids to come out.

Casey
Casey
10 years ago
Reply to  Hannah Louise

The thing that I found so comical and I said to him… Don’t you bust people for doing that??? What a fine example of law enforcement you are? (eyes rolling….)

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Still a chump

XH sent OW items from Victoria’s Secret. When I asked her, “Who accepts lingerie from a married man?” she said, “It was underwear, not lingerie.”

Tramp.

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Well, you were confusing her with that fancy French lingo and all! *eye roll*

Chris
Chris
10 years ago
Reply to  Still a chump

That’s fucking ridiculous (of course) but I’ve noticed that both cheaters and cheat partners are notorious sticklers for needless semantics at the most irrelevant moments.

“I didn’t kill him! The bullets from my gun did!”

It Is What It Is
It Is What It Is
10 years ago
Reply to  Chris

This reminds me of seeing the OW’s car in my husband’s (we were separated at the time) driveway. I called him on my cell phone and asked whose red Toyota was in the driveway as he was supposedly wanting to reconcile with me and broken up with OW. The first thing out of his mouth was that it was NOT a Toyota, it was a Mercedes.

Good to know

firepainter
firepainter
10 years ago
Reply to  Still a chump

Ha ha ha! Similar experience. I confronted the Ow with the fact that they were screwing in MY lake house and her comment back was “sometimes we went to a motel”.

They are all so horribly common.

firepainter
firepainter
10 years ago

I know I’ve written about this before, but the OW was/is a family and marriage counselor. There has to be a special place is hell for someone this twisted.

Mr. Chumplady
Mr. Chumplady
10 years ago

1. She met some of her affair partners online playing World of Warcraft (โ€œWorld of Whore-craftโ€), and after I divorced her the centerpiece of her wedding to the final affair partner was a painting of their in-game avatars (โ€œTroll Priests”) in a troll wedding ceremony.

2. She left her laptop open and sometimes wandered away so that our then-12-year-old son could see her chats with an affair partner, leading him one night at dinner to ask her playfully who that was on the Internet that she kept saying โ€œI love youโ€ to (Yes, she was busted in front of me by our son).

3. After D-Day I discovered that sheโ€™d kept a daily โ€œtrue lifeโ€ online blog about our family for years, using a pseudonym but posting pictures of us all on it, which blog contained lots of lies and sometimes graphic sexual writing and made me out to be a dorky jerk but that became fairly popular and about which she was ultimately interviewed by a prominent newspaper in Europe.

Boo
Boo
10 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Chumplady

Number 2 wins for me…seemed to reach another level of abuse toward one’s child.
Only could have been worse if teenager had found a used condom in the living room, during a time you were away.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Chumplady

That’s just sick. And this from someone who plays online games. I never got into WoW, though.

Second Life was vehicle of infidelity for one of my gaming community’s members. Initially, my guildmate was thrilled, as his wife didn’t like online games and he’d always wanted to play with her, and in fact curbed a lot of his time so that they’d have time to do things as a couple. He figured Second Life would be a stepping stone to bigger and better things.

Apparently his wife decided that games were awesome for socializing, and started several EAs, and then started meeting up with the men she met in Second Life.

In your case, the blog just blows the whole thing into surreal.

Psyche
Psyche
10 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Chumplady

Holy cow, you win for #3 alone!

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Psyche

I agree! Nothing like having someone blog lies about your life without your knowledge. Beyond cruel!

Mr. Chumplady
Mr. Chumplady
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Right? A bit “Truman Show” after the fact. I mean, I had no idea until I started snooping after D-day. The raunchy sexual stuff (say, a graphic recounting of some really rough sex in high school that she recalled fondly) right next to pictures of her cuddling our kids really turned my stomach. Even more hurtful than the sense of violation was the overwhelming conclusion that I had NO IDEA who this person was. None. The person she made up to be with me was just as fictional as the persona she invented for her edgy-soccer-mom blog. Even now it sends a chill down my spine.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Chumplady

Welcome Mr CL!
And so sorry that your kids have this mortification factor in their lives, takes embarrassing your kids to a whole new level.

Mr. Chumplady
Mr. Chumplady
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Well, the kids have no idea about the blog. They know the marriage ended due to infidelity, but not about the blog. And I hope they never do.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Chumplady

Nasty sex narratives alongside pictures of your kids?!

You need to have her take down those pictures ASAP. If she doesn’t, get lawyers involved. She can say or do anything she wants with HER image, but this impacts your kids.

Because if you Google your kids’ names, those pictures will probably come up in Google images. If you click on the image, it will take you to that post. Or, if you (or anyone else) upload a picture of your kids to Google, and do an image search for similar images, that picture and post will come up.

If you don’t want your kids, their friends, their teachers, etc., reading that garbage, get their pictures off that blog NOW. I can’t believe she’d shame your or her kids like that. Sick!

Mr. Chumplady
Mr. Chumplady
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Red, yeah, I threatened legal action and got her take the blog down even before the divorce came through, though I half suspect she eventually put it up under some other name because she’s so very proud of the writing (Blue Sasquatch that she is). The prime years for her blog were ’97 through about 2006, and my kids are much older now, so I’m hopeful the Google image search thing won’t come back to bite anyone in the butt. If it does, that will have to be an issue between my adult children and their crazy mom.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Chumplady

Glad to hear it. I also have a blog (for business women) and shared pictures of my kids years ago when they were little. D14 did a Google search on her own name, saw the pictures from 2005 (when she was 4), and asked me to pull them down. I thought she looked adorable (in costume for a dance recital), but honored her request.

Just didn’t want your kids to do the same and be mortified, but it sounds like you’ve got it under control. Good job!

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Mr. Chumplady has true Chump Street Cred.

Respect.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Is Mr. Chump Lady Mr. Tracy? Am I the last one to figure this out?

CW
CW
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

It may be nepotism, but #3 is pretty high up there in the humiliation quotient. Wow.

Mr. Chumplady, you deserve all you have coming to you (meaning a good life with Chumplady, of course).

Cindy
Cindy
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yeah, trolls are crazy. As are Dungeons and Dragons characters who “meet” in a tavern and have sex before, during and after setting out on an adventure together. (depending upon the roll of the dice, dontcha know?) Uncle Daddy’s character was a dwarf, his married AP always played a Paladin, and during a “quest” the characters had copious amounts of sex together. I read the outline of two different “adventures” he wrote for him and his Schmoopy. Sex in the makebelieve forest behind the makebelieve tavern, humping on a makebelieve tree stump… Since these two played these game on pen and paper I could only believe that the sex part was the only part that wasn’t makebelieve.
Serious YUCK factor!

BreathingDeeply
BreathingDeeply
10 years ago

It’s tough to narrow down 10 years of a double life to 3 sentences – so much material from which to choose! Here goes:

1. During the course of our marriage, XH and I lived in 3 different houses and had 3 new beds. He fucked a different woman (at least one) on each of those marital beds and in each new house.

2. On Dday, he was sobbing about how sorry he was. Sitting on the floor, covering his face he was crying so hard, sobs so loud he could barely get out the words. Almost too loud. Finally, after a few minutes, I said, “You’re not really crying, are you?” He immediately stops, removes his hands from his face and says in a completely calm voice, “Yeah, but I was really close to crying.”

3. We had an electric toothbrush. After a while, we stopped swapping the heads from mine to his and just shared one head, which many people find gross but I didn’t mind, until I found out about his secret life. He would fuck other people and put his mouth *there* and then brush his teeth with OUR toothbrush. I BRUSHED MY TEETH WITH THAT TOOTHBRUSH! d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g

singed
singed
10 years ago

Oh noooooooo! (in response to #3). How they choose not to acknowledge how fucked up it is to subject their spouses to horrific experiences like that is something I will NEVER EVER EVER understand. Truly sick.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago

Mine cried on dday and said all sorts of things. When I started crying he said ‘oh, come on, it’s not that bad. Stop crying like a teenager’. He’s all heart, that one.

jayne
jayne
10 years ago

OMG – number 2! What a freak!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago

That crying thing is seriously creepy. He is disordered for sure.

My ex once boasted to our son that he could cry at will, and that the way he summoned up the tears was to think of son committing suicide. Nice thing to tell your teenage son, huh?

Violet
Violet
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

You XH never ceases to amaze me. Really.

quicksilver
quicksilver
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Oh no Glad, that’s the sickest thing I have ever heard about your ex, and that’s saying a lot.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  quicksilver

My ex might be bizarrely hilarious, and his videos and book are certainly fodder for comedy, but behind all that craziness, he is evil. I’m actually afraid of him, and would be thrilled if our son decided to sever all relations with the ex. I believe son eventually will do so, as he knows his dad is a bad person.

Besides cheating, lying and manipulating constantly throughout marriage, my ex:

Blackmailed at least one married man he slept with. I know this for sure. I suspect, but don’t know for sure, that he also attempted to blackmail several other people.

He has conned a lot of people out of money, including his own parents.

He’s staged health emergencies for attention.

He uses and manipulates other people to a shocking degree. One day he’s going to con the wrong person, and he is going to pay a serious price. I just pray that when that day comes, our son is not with him.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

“One day heโ€™s going to con the wrong person, and he is going to pay a serious price.”

This could happen with the cheating alone, let alone all the other stuff. Cheating with other married people is double dangerous. Never know when some angry husband/wife will catch you and go nuts. My therapist, when trying to convince my ex that cheating was a bad idea, said to him: “Cheat once, lose your wife. Keep cheating, lose your life.”

I hope your ex wises up and stops, and I definitely hope your son is always out of harm’s way. Thank goodness you have custody.

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GIO – I am full of admiration for you. Your heart must be enormous to have tried to love this monster for so long, I really hope someone wonderful has snapped you up now. I doff my cap to you ๐Ÿ™‚

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  quicksilver

Oh Glad! What a complete monster your ex is! Seriously needs a re-boot!!!!!!

Patsy
Patsy
10 years ago

2. is seriously creepy. One of the most creepy things I have heard.

3. I hope you used that head from that moment on, to clean the toilet. I might have done this once or twice. Or thought about it.

Gad, 2 is creepy!

river
river
10 years ago

Number two is actually frightening.

KT
KT
10 years ago

Number two sounds like something from a comedy routine, but not in a good way. Real life really is stranger than fiction sometimes. Bet you’re glad to be rid of him.

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
10 years ago

Challenge Accepted, Fellow Chumps! I’ll see your bet and I’ll raise you:
After DDays 1-3, XH was desperately pretending to reconcile. Then I saw OW-dingbat-paralegal’s text on his phone after we’d just had dinner w/ his grandmother. Here’s what happened next:
1. XH threw the deck chairs into the pool, then jumped into the pool fully clothed in his suit and shoes.
2. As I was calling dingbat OW to have a chat w/her, he ran into the house. After searching the rooms and yelling for him, I found him hiding upstairs, naked and lying in a sleeping bag on the floor.
3. He didn’t feel like talking to me, so he stood up and – still wearing only the sleeping bag – bunny hopped his way out of the room, and slid down the stairs on his butt (like sledding down a hill!)

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

Ahhhhhh, BB, this is THE BEST! (Bunny hopping down stairs in sleeping bag….still laughing…)

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
10 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

It would have been perfect if he rolled on the opposite site of his butt.

Bud
Bud
10 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard…… Definitely a Kodak moment there. How old was he, 3???? Those are the moments you can do nothing but shake your head and go WTF just happened????

ThatGirl
ThatGirl
10 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

OMG! What a visual! LOL!

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

A man sliding along in a sleeping bag recalls a worm to my mind’s eye. Apt visual, that.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Like an evil Gloworm?

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

This is so hilarious. My ex has done equally childish things but nothing that has such a great visual.

TennisHack625
TennisHack625
10 years ago

I have two,

1) After I finally found full-time work after a year of unemployment and sole bread winner, my STBXW decides the bathroom must be remodeled. This makes no sense to me as we should be correcting our finances. She doesn’t want three bids and already has contactor picked out. Turns out after the project is complete, this is the 3rd AP she was sleeping with for a year.

2) Stops wearing wedding bad. Instead she starts wearing a silver ring with snakes and diamonds on her ring finger. I ask why that ring. She states it was a gift from her sister. WTF!

ChumpyLawyer
ChumpyLawyer
10 years ago

During false reconciliation, STBX would download sappy country love songs on iTunes, which would infuriate me as many of them were “Their Songs”, and he had previously hated country music. Finally he downloaded a song named after the mistress. When I confronted him, he denied it having anything to do with the affair and that he just liked the song, and that I was delusional and invading his privacy. What an asshole.

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyLawyer

My ex had Bon Jovi’s song “I want to lay you down in a bed of roses” for his coworker AP’s ringtone on his phone. I discovered this after picking it up when it went off while he was upstairs. When I confronted him about it he told me his phone chose songs for ringtones randomly. Funny that everyone else in our family had static ringtones on his phone.

Unicorn
Unicorn
10 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lifehouse

Unicorn
Unicorn
10 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

My husband had the ringtone “Broken” by Lufehouse on his phone for his ho-worker. And of listened to the whole album while dreaming of twuu luurve with a woman his daughter’s age( 2 years older than his daughter). Gag!!!!

Monika
Monika
10 years ago

There are many to chose from but one that seemed to hurt me the most was when he started to bring our child to OW house and said at least they never fucked in front of him. Then again, he admitted to the fact that he did fuck her in her husband’s bed with her infant laying in the crib next door.

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  Monika

Disgusting! What is wrong with these people?!

RecoveringHoper
RecoveringHoper
10 years ago

Mine are more for my XW’s family:

1. Father-in-law called me to tell me that I can be the one to stop the trend of divorce in my family.

2. Cousin of XW called me and mentioned a relationship she had with an ex where there were trust issues and she was glad to be out of the relationship. Next conversation she called me a loser and a quitter because I’m not going to stay with someone who lies and cheats on me repeatedly. I hope her cousin got the same message, but I know she didn’t.

Greg
Greg
10 years ago

I only have one – thank goodness. After confronting her, she says: “well now that you know, can we have one of those open marriages, I will still be a good wife – this will just be a side thing”. I calmly asked her to leave and never come back.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Greg

She’s more honest than most, gotta give her that!

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Greg

Yeah, because vowing to “Forsake all others” is really secret code for “let’s have side things.”

Unbelievable.

Violet
Violet
10 years ago
Reply to  Greg

Your XW and my XH should get together.

Roslyn
Roslyn
10 years ago

Haha. The OW in my case was cheating on her husband/father of her 4 children ages 6-15. She later bailed and left her kids with their Dad. During the affair my ex set her up in business (if you could call it that) as a “life coach” who advertises on her website that she helps people to develop positive attributes including honesty and reliability.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

OMG!!!!! The life coach advertising how she develops honesty and positive attributes totally reminds me of my ex, but the fingernail clippings!!!!!!! I’m surprised she wasn’t struck down by a lightning bolt!

Greg
Greg
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Relax people – this is art – except for the sacrilege part – oh and the bloody disgusting cooties.
http://jgklausner.com/work/flora-dentata

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Greg

But Greg, “this piece aims to explore gender roles and sexual repression both historical and contemporary.” So not only is it art, it’s deep, philosophical, political art. And something that could be used to put a voodoo curse on someone as well.

I think the artist who made the fingernail/teeth flowers should be freak of the week.

Roslyn
Roslyn
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

This all has reminded me of another good, maybe connected story about OW. My daughters were young adults living out of state but sometimes went to their old hairdresser when they came home. They knew about OW, but had not met her, when one of them got a phone call from the old hair dresser who said that OW had made an appointment to see her, then came in and interrogated her about my daughters while she got her hair cut. Keep in mind, this is a hole-in-the-wall salon a fair distance from where OW lived and there is simply no reason for her to go there other than that she found out my daughters went there. That freaked out my daughter, as does the fact that OW has now listed that salon as one of the places she “likes” on her Facebook page.

Do you think she “likes” the salon because they save up clippings from manicures for her artwork? Just thought of that possibility this morning. Lol.

Regardless, none of this relates to the contest because it isn’t about what a freak my ex is. Unless it’s just that he’s a freak because he thinks he has traded up. Or maybe I should be submitting it all as an entry on behalf of her ex H.

Roslyn
Roslyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

Oh, and in celebration of the season OW/life coach posted on Facebook a picture of a baby Jesus that she made with fingernail clippings.

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww noooooooo, please say you are making this up……..

CW
CW
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

This is why I carry hand sanitizer in my laptop bag. You just never know!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

That is hilarious. And unbelievable. And hilarious.

jayne
jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

hahahahahahahaha ….. etc ๐Ÿ˜€

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

That is unholy in so many ways.

Cindy
Cindy
10 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

Please send it!!! PLEASE! then PLEASE post it! PLEASE!

Roslyn
Roslyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Sorry I can’t, see my response to Chump Lady above.

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

Okay, somewhere in heaven baby Jesus just threw up in his mouth a little.

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Oh hahaha!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

hahahahah

Sick of HER Chump
Sick of HER Chump
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Lol Nomar! I just burst out laughing at my desk!!!

Violet
Violet
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

I want to see that. No I dont. Yes I do.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Violet

LOL!

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

Ohhhhh WOW. Well, everything about them is just *so* special, isn’t it? DIVINE, even! Right down to their discarded fingernail clippings.

Roslyn
Roslyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I fantasize that when I finally meet her it will be in front of a bunch of people and I can say, “How nice to meet you? I loved your Facebook post of the baby Jesus made out of fingernail clippings.”

Roslyn
Roslyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Well, maybe some toenail clippings too. Must have been collecting them for months. Probably some of the ex-H’s are included.

Roslyn
Roslyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I can’t get to it anymore. She did it last Christmas and since then she has gone private on her Facebook page. I tried to show it to one of my friends a couple of months ago and couldn’t do it. I don’t think she’ll “friend” me for some strange reason. Wish I could share it though! If anyone knows a way to get to old stuff like that after they’ve gone private let me know.

jazzvox
jazzvox
10 years ago
Reply to  Roslyn

If you can view it on Facebook, you can possible “save as” to another location. Then post away. Give it a try.

Champ, not Chump!
Champ, not Chump!
10 years ago

1. Told me (as we were arguing across from each other at the dining room table in his vacation condo, while I had my laptop open and discovered he’d left himself logged into his email account and found-just the tip of the iceberg of his cheating emails) that he suspected I might be cheating on him. I quietly booked a flight home while he raged at me, slipped into the master suite under the guise of using the restroom, packed my suitcase, and walked out. After a few days of browsing in-depth into his email, I discovered a dozen APs in five months time, and emails bragging to his best friend about what a man-whore he was.

2. While practicing his super manipulation skills post-split to get me back, he told me I’d never find another man like him. I told him, “I hope to hell not!”

jayne
jayne
10 years ago

Number 2: Excellent! ๐Ÿ˜€

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  jayne

Ditto! Perfect comeback!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago

Annnddd I can play this! I used actual transcript…you can’t make this shit up ๐Ÿ™‚

Protective Order hearing, husband on the stand; my attorney submits a wicked foot long scythe knife to the judge, saying; This was found in his bedroom under the pillow.

Attorney asks: And you had a weapon under your pillow; isn’t that right?

Husband answers: It’s religious — I’m a Wiccan. Attorney asks: What is a Wiccan? Husband answers: I’m a pagan, a witch. (The look on the judges face? PRICELESS)

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I’m surprised he made it through courthouse security with that thing!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

We had to arrange with the court to bring it in as an exhibit – a very scary knife, the main blade was 11 inches long, handle a bit longer, then a razor sharp little blade at the bottom of the handle.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Vey scary guy. So if shooting you didn’t work out, he had a back-up plan!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

I mean very scary guy

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Under his pillow?!?! Are actual Wiccans aware that he’s trying to pass his freakyness off on them?

Kara
Kara
10 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

I have a Wiccan friend who would probably laugh her ass off at him.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

At the time it wasn’t funny, but when I told my BFF what went down in the courtroom we both laughed hysterically, he helped me get the PO ๐Ÿ™‚

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Were he pagan, it would need to be silver, Hecate mend him,

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

And it would need to have a bone handle, be small because it’s used for cutting herbs. But being a witch was his new thing, pretending to be a Pagan, you know cos they have nude rituals? I kid you not, he bought the book “Paganism for Dummies”. I was surprised there even was such a book

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Just proves there is a market for everything.

The Hopium of Cool, for one. Mr Fab still has hair to his ass and wears an amulet the Downgrade gave him. It has magical superpowers….of making him look like an also ran for the Doobie Brothers.

Thanks again for this post, CL. The rigamaroles and shennanigans of all these fucktards is the gift that keeps on giving, some tragic, some comic.

To use a Harry Potter (fictional magic) reference, these guys are Boggarts, and the spell is, “Ridikulus!”

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

And Dat, please excuse my levity- that knife incident was hideous, and i sincerely hope that was as bad as it ever got!

Lavinia
Lavinia
10 years ago

I caught him cheating, we broke up,and a few mos later, I began dating another man. Ex began stalking me, to the point of making phone calls to my friends, doing recon at bars I liked to go to,and actually spying through the window on me and new man. Then he got upset when he saw something he should not have seen; I guess he missed the memo on the definition of “broken up.”

Kara
Kara
10 years ago
Reply to  Lavinia

My ex cried when he found out I had sex with the man who is now my husband. This was a good 8 months post-breakup with said ex.

Boo fuckity-hoo.