The Futility in Confronting Affair Partners

Here’s a common chump mistake — confronting the affair partner(s). Maybe you did this. Or you agonized about doing this. Maybe you’re still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. Let me spare you the trouble — don’t go there.

But! But! 

I know you want to tell them off, but it’s futile for a variety of reasons.

They have no shame.

Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales — all of which are impervious to your exhortations. The most common rationale is that you are sexless and batshit crazy. You come at them all “stay away from my husband, you whore!” — you’re going to validate their assumptions. You’re nuts.

Worse, if you come at them all classy — appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency — they will delight in their superiority. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. Can’t you see you’re dealing with an uber being? One more charismatic and sexier than you? How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? You cannot. This is bigger than us both. Our love cannot be denied. You are too feeble-minded to comprehend such love…

Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner…

They might actually be batshit crazy.

Some irony there, huh? Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. Either, you’ve got really low self-esteem to be a side dish, or you’re flamingly narcissistic. In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. And in the other case, narcissistic people don’t think the rules apply to them — and that doesn’t stop at poaching your spouse. It might also extend to the rules of law.

Being in an affair has been likened to addiction — and you’re trying to sober them up. Have you watched those recovery programs? People get ugly. Very ugly. Haven’t you suffered enough? Do you really need this person harassing you and losing their shit? No. You do not need that.

But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner?

It’s narcissistic supply to your cheater.

Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. “Stay away from my wife!” makes your wife really central. She’s getting a high off two people fighting for her. How fabulous. Maybe there’ll be a duel!

If cheater’s can’t have secret cake, they will settle for a public pick me dance. It’s all good. It’s all kibbles. Don’t participate in this shit!

You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. To compare notes. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not.

They might. And it might be a pack of lies! Consider the source. There might also be some truth in it — but how fucked up is that? Would you really consider staying with a person who won’t tell you the truth — you have to get the details from their fuckbuddy? Really?

If you’ve been tempted to confront the affair partner — leave it to professionals. Consider having your lawyer write a no contact letter, as the first step to formal harassment charges. Or perhaps your lawyer can depose them in your upcoming divorce? (I’ve heard that gets settlement talks moving). If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a PI or become  a computer snoop. Hand over the evidence to your lawyer. Don’t go all vigilante on this alone. Get professional support.

Stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy.

You know what says “you are beneath contempt”? Filing for divorce. Let the cheaters have each other. You’ve got better things to do than orbit Planet Narcissist in some intergalactic fact-finding mission.

Gaining a life means you get your dignity and self-respect. And the cheaters get crabs. Or a fleeting Sense of Aliveness, or whatever that Esther Perel bullshit is.

Anyway, confronting fuckbuddies? No.

Pointing and laughing? Sure. Go right ahead.

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ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Hope you are better soon! Take care.

PS: confronting an AP, especially a Jesus-cheater one in my case, would be my ultimate humiliation. No way! I don’t even feel the need to imagine myself doing anything to an insignificant grease spot.

Would I do imagine is snarking the ex if the occasion arises. God forbid!

Chump no more
Chump no more
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I too had a Jesus cheater…. it was the worst… she has justified that God forgives all and God had this in His plans and she is saved by grace…. and blah blah blah….
I found out while I was 8 months pregnant….I finally kicked him out soon after our baby was born. They had a fight and I answered my cell phone and it was her..looking back… I should have hung up immediately. But like a bad car wreck or juicy gossip… I hung on for 2 hours comparing notes …. finding out details of the affair. I thought it was the beginning of the movie “the other Woman” except this Homewrecker was no Cameron Diaz. They got back together not even a week later.
My son just turned two…. and she has texted me and called me several times….. I blocked her about a year ago … they break up and get back together all the time… it’s insane and I’m free!
Wish I read this years ago!!!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I imagine that would go something like “Well, God gave him to me, so buzz off!”

FSTL
FSTL
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

If I “confronted” them today, it would be to shake their hand for taking a total dead weight off my hands…. except her fuckbuddy seems to be infinitely worse than she is, so I’ll just settle for a satisfied feeling of schandefreud instead

Hopefloats80
Hopefloats80
6 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

My jellyfish (we call him that because jellyfish have no heart). Actually brought her to my house. Ya I knew what he wanted. “Look 2 girls fighting over me”. Ya no. It’s 30 mins of hilariousisness that we play at wine parties. I told her you have my blessing ride off to the sunset with your knight in shining tinfoil. During wreckonciliation he requested to listen he said “ you act like you didn’t want to fight for me “. No shit Sherlock this classy broad does not like ho on her hands. This “widow” who was calling my husband TWO DAYS AFTER PUTTING HER HUSBAND IN THE GROUND. he wanted to delete it. Oh noooooo it’s hilarious.

Coffeecat
Coffeecat
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats80

Oh my god, so this widow thing actually happens!?

Because I found some sexual texts, I love yous, and heart emojis between my husband and a woman – his friend’s widow. The guy just passed away in May. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Really fucked up. He told me they are just friends.

Hopefloats80
Hopefloats80
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats80

I recorded the convo is what I was getting at.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago

Get well, Chump Lady. Let Mr. CL pamper you a bit more.

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

So glad you picked up some good British habits like cups of tea in your London and South Africa jaunts Chump Lady!

Tea makes the world go around, in my opinion.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

There is something going around. Take care of yourself. My friend ended up passed out in a minute clinic and then had to go the emergency room. She’s fine, but just be careful.

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Magneto recipe: two teabags per cup. Don’t know why, but the extra strong does wonders for stomach. I’m immune to caffeine, but may keep you mere mortals awake…

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Add a good dollop of whisky, lemon juice, 3 cloves and a teaspoon of honey to that strong tea. 😉
Pamper yourselves Tracy and Mr Chumplady.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
6 years ago

D- day was horrible enough knowing he was doing this to me with multiple women for over 20 years. I opened his phone and discovered his ho worker. After he left for work after confronting him about texting a ho worker and meeting up with her in his brand new 2017 Mustang with limo tint in the Winn Dixie parking lot, how romantic! He called me and wanted to know what I would do. I froze instead of fight or flight. I am so glad I did that because wanted to embarrass the both of them so badly. It would have been major kibbles for them both, still 6 months later and they are soaking up all the kibbles their coworkers give them. As for me, I sit back with minimal contact like I am so glad she won that sparkly turd prize. My life is so much better without him in it, that’s my reward! Best decision I ever made next to filing for divorce in 5 days!

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

“I am so glad she won that sparkly turd prize. My life is so much better without him in it, that’s my reward! Best decision I ever made next to filing for divorce in 5 days!”
~ sweetChumpgirl, your MIGHTY jumped off the page at me! Monday morning win: filing in 5 days! Took me 5 months before hardcore NC steeled me. Thanks for sharing your wisdom & experience.

CL, I hope you feel better soon. Thank you so much for yoir support – you have saved my life! And CN, you are my TRIBE! LOVE you all! Have a great week.
I finally filed! Woot!

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
6 years ago

Thank you Longing. I feel quite mighty and you are too love!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

Good job on filing! That’s a HUGE step forward! Hugs to you.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

Congrats to you for finding your mighty! And, yes, CN has been my squad throughout this ordeal! Thank you CL.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
6 years ago

Thank you Never and MotherChumper.You never know what you can handle until it’s done to you. The beast inside of me awakened. This divorce stuff is a piece of cake compared to the marriage.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago

CL, I do hope you feel better soon, as well as Mr. CL.

I will never stop thanking you for this website!! It is a lighthouse in a very dark storm.

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago
Reply to  GoWithYourGut

Love this image.
Feel better CL and Mr. CL

coolbreezeout
coolbreezeout
6 years ago

My cheater got a blow job at a massage parlor and spent his time, money, and sexual energy jacking off to porn and in chat rooms and live cam-to-cam sessions. There is really no one to ‘confront’ because apart from the massage parlor person, there were no real life people. They were made up personas of sex worker actresses playing a part for ‘coins’.

The only thing I could possible confront the massage parlor worker with is a helpline number for victims of trafficking. Because, there is no way some woman is willingly sitting around in a shady ‘massage’ parlor thankful to be performing hand jobs, blow jobs, and whatever else is requested from any Tom, Dick, or Harry that walks in the door.

I don’t doubt even some of the webcam girls were trafficked and forced against their will. I am sure there was a portion of them working of their own free will, but not 100% of them.

I still haven’t figured out if I am ‘lucky’ that there was no actual ‘affair partner’, since most of his antics were solo and fantasy based, or if I am worse off because the creep chose porn and a sex worker to get off on rather than real, fully consent giving people.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Another porn chump here… it’s a weird kind of betrayal made possible by technology. I go back to context and consent: if he had asked me if I was okay with him orgasming remotely with actresses, I would have said no. My understanding of “forsaking all others” does not include those kind of sexual experiences outside the marriage.

“It’s not like I cheated on you.”

Any insistence or entitlement regarding those activities would have been a deal breaker before the marriage; our 20 years and three children together make me less lenient, not more.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago

Amen, That is Not a Thing! EXACTLY what you said.
I’m 30 years in, 26 removed from Ddays1 &2, when I was young, naive and optimistic for change. I think he thought he could just psychobabble me back into his good graces again. Think again, f*wit!
Mine did drugs & alcohol (1st 3 years, but I did, too), then (at least 2) OW, then – later – rage & sulking, after DD called him out on the rage he stopped acting it OUT, then went back to porn. After being caught by young DD, he stuffed the porn, then: MOW#3 (but it was *just* an EA – she was “just a friend”). UGH! Puke.
Porn redirects sexual energies outside of the couple & objectifies, it removes intimacy for performance. It’s ENTERTAINMENT & FANTASY that misinforms and does huge damage.
No such thing as “just porn.”
TINAT, you know that you have more to gain than lose after all this time. You are mighty!

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago

Thanks, meh… I haven’t left yet. Without evidence of an OW, I’m not sure what to do. I’ve gotten a lot of advice here of “of course there’s more!” but no true Dday. I am getting my financial ducks in a row, researching CA divorce law, enjoying the last months of having all my 3 teens under one roof. I appreciate your support regarding porn. I just hate it so much, the thought of it, wondering what he’s comparing me to. So prevalent and largely tolerated in our culture; it’s easy for him to say I’m overreacting.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

I have no anger for the sex workers. Purely transactional, assuming they were adults.

I am not a fan of sex trafficking in any way. These women and men are performing for cash. Maybe it’s to fund their education, pay off debts, feed kids or feed an addiction. I do like your idea of providing them a hotline number if a chump chooses to confront a sex worker.

What I highlighted to asshat is the fact that EACH transaction is decided theft against his own kids. Money taken from their mouthes, from their backs and from their enrichment. Dissipated Marital Assets.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

THIS by 1,000!
The creep chose porn and a sex workers to get off on rather than real, live loving person and there is no one to truly ‘confront’ in the instance of porn/hooker/random strangers scenarios…………………….”any hole is the goal” for these low life scumbags.
And even though the other women are nameless, faceless beings, it doesn’t make the situation any easier-It all sucks & is devastating.

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

It makes no difference. To the cheater, they are all holograms. They never see the real people, or else they would have seen us. They’re playing out a fantasy.
They’re predators. Prey is an object, not a person.
I always had the feeling I could be anyone, so APs too, could have been anyone.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Unknown

“I always had the feeling I could be anyone, so APs too, could have been anyone.”

Yep, my STBX actually said to me, “if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else”

They don’t see people, they only see objects for their gratification.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I’m afraid of what’s going to happen once the Porn Industry has perfected robotic sex workers. Can you not shudder at what is going to happen to those poor machines???

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Did you see the news report of the sex robot that was abused at a demonstration? That’s all these fuckwits need to further dehumanize the most intimate act that’s supposed to be about connection, not objectification. Ugh.

Hurt1
Hurt1
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

As a friend said to me after dday, “it’s easy to pick the low hanging fruit.”

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Same Got a brain, STBX said that “she was #5 and they were all just for sex so if this wouldn’t have stuck, there would have been 6 then 7 then 8…” Now he says that his statement about the others was just to hurt me and she was the first and only but I call bullshit. If she believes that, I have some oceanfront property in Oklahoma that she might be interested in: I am trying to unload it to pay my lawyer until I get a settlement.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago

I confronted the AP: asked her if they were having protected sex because me and cheaterpants were still having sex….. she didn’t believe that. He calmly admitted to it while the three of us were on speakerphone. She proceeded to tell me that my marriage was shit before she ever slept with cheaterpants and that he deserved better than me. Apparently she nominated herself. The justifications for her behavior were unreal just as his were. So, yes, they deserve each other. Cheaterpants and Chubby McBumble Homeslice get to live “happily ever after” with his pill and alcohol addictions. Sounds heavenly….
Some people love being a rescuer and being rescued…..they really do deserve each other. We seek relationships at our own same level of health…. no way in hell would I be with that again. Anger-Blame-Self Loathing… repeat.
Fellow Chumps…. consider it a huge gift to be free of a turdsausage.

Gorilla poop
Gorilla poop
6 years ago

I sent the AP a package of gorilla poop (there’s a website for that.) I reasoned that was the least worst thing I fantasized about doing to her. As for my husband, I fantasized about going to his place of employment and punching him in the face in front of everyone. Instead I wreckonciled. I should have punched him, it would have been more than worth a couple of nights in jail. He’s a public defender and his schmoopie was a divorce attorney getting divorced from a divorce attorney in a smallish town. It would have been satisfying to expose his “authentic self” to the judge, all his coworkers, and the local sheriffs. 3 yrs of wreckonciliation later and I caught him again, this time with a new victim.

I regret sending that poop, if only because it signaled to her that I gave a shit.

I regret even more not punching him in the face publicly, but I was afraid it would affect my custody rights.

C’est la vie. I am 49 now and I have 2 wonderful kids, a post nup that protected all my assets, and the rest of my life to enjoy not being enslaved in a humiliating pick-me-dance. The best revenge is living well.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorilla poop

Literally giving a shit was what we signed up for on our wedding days, right? So giving her a shit is just consistent with your vows. And meh is ceasing to give a shit.

I understand your regret, but please allow me a moment of enjoyment imagining AP opening it.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorilla poop

Gorilla Poop, Punching him in the face and the consequences and fallout in the criminal proceedings would be GREAT with the court staff finding out etc.- but as a criminal defense attorney I am really GLAD that you did NOT punch him. As much as I hated the OW in my marriage I kept reminding myself that I would get revenge-but I would NEVER do anything that would land my ass in jail. Nope! Filing your divorce in the particular county though would have been good, did you do that? You could pursued dissipation of marital assets so all of that would have come out? Did you do that?

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorilla poop

You quite literally ‘gave a shit’. That’s really something, wow! But don’t regret it – you ‘gave a shit’ back then – you no longer give a shit anymore 🙂

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorilla poop

I think I love you, sister ????

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
6 years ago

I had the pleasure of hearing OW tell me about how awful my marriage was and that she couldn’t believe that I didn’t know that, I had to have known that. (The bigger question is how would you know that, OW? We’re you in my marriage? Oh, right, you were.)

In the same conversation she also told me that ex-douchcanoe and I never had sex and also that I treated him like a breedmare and that made him sad. (Aren’t breedmare’s the female horse?) We had one child. If he was a breedmare he was bad at it. Not sure I can simultaneously have no sex and also use him for sex, and I told her that but she didn’t seem to ever think through the logic of that one.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago

I am not an equine expert, but I think she meant you treated him like a stallion. Not sure many men would take issue with that!

For what it’s worth, he deserves to be a gelding. 😉

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago

More than once I was tempted to confront the
wife’s AP. I realized that it wouldn’t be worth it because
it would be nothing but denial and the same lies my wife spewed at me.
I’m sure they are still at it 11 months after D day, they just had to up their game after I put a wrench in gears of deceit.
News for the wife though, I filed Nov 1, she should be getting served in a day or two. Can’t wait to see her face…..fuck’em both!

and she was
and she was
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Congrats 50 chump.
You never know how they will react.
I saw my stbx at my sons football game a couple hours after he was served. He ran off the field (he was coaching) and bear hugged me, said nothing, ran back out. Never one to pass up a chance at mindfuckery.
He said at some point later he didn’t think I was actually filing- tho my attorney told his attorney and asked if he wanted to receive service via his attorney. Crickets from both so we served him. He said he never read those emails cuz it was just my attorney making blustery threats. That’s from the lens of a person who does not tell the truth. They don’t recognize simple factual statements by others.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

You are awesome!

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Hell yeah good job!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

You are MIGHTY… oh to be a fly on the wall 🙂

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

50 Chump,
Terrific news about filing! Stay strong!!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Way to go!
Keep coming back for support throughout the process.

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Congrats on filing. Living well is truly the best revenge!

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

50 chump,
Congrats on filing! Your mighty is growing! I’m just at 5 mos post Dday3, but I filed last Friday, awaiting reaction to service this week. Don’t know what to expect, as I caught him researching untraceable poison 10 days ago (his old desktop records his phone browsing). Had all the locks changed, made a police report, notified attorney, therapist, my team. Thank you all for being my anchor to sanity when my grief wanted me to go batshit myself…CL & CN are the only reasons I’m not choking on RIC shitsandwiches today. Long live CL! Get well, CL & Mr CL.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

I hope you also notified him that you know what he was researching and that you have notified the authorities and your attorney. Be very clear to him that if anything happens to you, even if you appear to catch an infection, fall very ill and/or die, he will be the prime suspect. The only natural death for you will come when you are 100 as far as your attorney is concerned.
I did that with the Traitor, I called it my life insurance.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Thanks, KiwiChump – I didn’t do that. And now that he’s been served (I think), and there is a stay-away order is part of my petition, I cannot contact him myself. I can have attorney tell him or just…tell his family what I found. The officer I made police report to wondered whether i shouldn’t just ask him why he was researching. I thought that was a ludicrous idea. But what you said makes sense. I’ll talk to my attorney tomorrow.

The night I found it, I emailed my “team” (attorney, therapist, a couple of friends who are DV-experienced and my brother), told them that I was the healthiest I’ve been in years (truth), that if anything happened to me to be sure to do an autopsy.
Apparently my attorney said something along the lines of “Oh, hell, no! No autopsy on my watch! Shut that down!” God, I do love her!

Thanks, CN – your wisdom is more precious than gold to me right now.

50 Chunp
50 Chunp
6 years ago

Congrats on filing Meh-ca!
I hope for great things ahead for you, me, and all the others in CN who have to travel down this road to “Gain a Life”.

Stay safe sister, keep your head in a swivel.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago

Oh My God!! That’s awful!! Stay safe

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

Glad to hear you changed the locks. Please check in with friends regularly. I am 2 years out and I still have a friend who reaches out every day.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Thanks, Alloutofkibble,
I’ll remember that.
Trust that they suck.
And those dead shark eyes…damn!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

????????????????????????????????????????????????

Way to go!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Congrats. You are mighty!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Excellent to hear 50Chump. Wishing you all the best!

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Congrats on filing. Brace yourself, as it usually gets worse before it gets better. You’ve got Chump Nation behind you.

Ninepatcher
Ninepatcher
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hope you feel better soon, CL.

I read their texts. They said, to each other, “We didn’t mean for this to happen. You didn’t and I didn’t. It just happened.” I would love to ask howorker what she meant by that, but I won’t. I am guessing it’s just their way of justifying that destroying a family is okay. Your know …because they didn’t MEAN to.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

I confronted the OP in the days before CL existed…it didnt go well, as you could imagine. She told my then-husband that she didnt understand me because I used big, complicated words (she speaks english as a second language to her primary mandarin, but she graduated from the U of Washington where I assume she used english).

If I had said/done one tenth of the things I fantasized about at that time, Im sure the cheater would have done the “see, she is batshit crazy” pointing and protected his damsel from my terribleness…its really best that none of those things ever played out.

I live in DC and she lives in Seattle, so we are unlikely to ever bump into each other, but I forever keep my eyes peeled in airports thinking I will see her and say “Oh yes, I remember you, you fucked my dead husband” but in reality, I likely wouldnt ever do it.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago

It would all be so pointless to confront. My cheater wife went from blaming her AP, to blaming her fellow female school counselor and adultery coach/cheerleader, to finally blaming herself and saying that she used the massage boy AP to make herself feel good. I’m sure she hooked him with her lies of “we lived separate lives”, “we don’t have sex”, “he doesn’t care what I do”. She is a sick selfish self-centered bizarre woman. I just want to be done with her and rid my life of the abuse.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

It gets better when they are gone.
I promise it gets better.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Thank you for saying this. I’m trying to be strong and push forward.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

You deserve better, Zell. Boot her butt!
I feel like my life is just beginning – and after 30 years of marriage (more than half my life) – that’s saying a lot. I’ve been NC (except for kid transfers) for about 3 weeks, filed last week, and am beginning to see the light that has been inside me all along- he just smothered it with a moldy old blanket. I know it can be dangerous in the time before divorce is final (per cop I made report to last week), but I am starting to feel my own mighty.
If you’re not there, yet, you can start to feel better immediately by taking just that first step – whatever it is. Hang in there, man, it gets better! And – it IS abuse! No question.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

This is a might mindset. Good for you. Have you filed? They usually do not.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago

working on it. She has kind of agreed to collaborative divorce and we’ve talked over details.

Meg
Meg
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

I tried collaborative divorce for a few years & finally had to go with an adultery charge (only other option in my state) because XH would not come to meetings or provide financial information needed. Cheaters often don’t really want to get divorced as it makes it hard to have their cake and eat it too. I paid out a lot of money to collaborative attorney, divorce coach, and financial mediator who all finally realized XH was never coming to the bargaining table. Narcissists prefer high conflict divorces, I think. Good luck.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Great. Be prepared. They usually try to stall.

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago

In my case, the secret affair partner contacted me (many, many times).

1. She created a fake Facebook account and (without me “friending” her) she messaged me dozens and dozens of extremely graphic and pornographic “screen shots” of text messages with my husband on CHRISTMAS MORNING when my husband and my 3 young children and I were celebrating with a gender reveal of our unborn child. She told my husband what she did and he tried to delete the messages, but lied to her and said I received the messages and was so angry I threw dishes at him, which wasn’t true and I didn’t even know about the affair yet. (She did get ahold of me a week after Christmas, and ultimately I did receive the Christmas morning messages).

2. When I promptly filed for divorce, she named herself as a witness to the at-fault case. She called our Gaurdian-Ad-Litem at 9:00 at night on her cell phone under the guise of discussing a high-conflict custody case they were working on together (OW is a divorce attorney 15 years older than us). She tried to sway the opinion of the Gaurdian -Ad-Litem to be more favorable to my ex-husband.

3. During the process of divorcing and my 3rd trimester of pregnancy, OW contacted me many, many times. Once, she said “I just heard about your earlier miscarriage. Like I give a sh*t, LOL”. The cruelty she showed is mind-boggling.

4. After the divorce was finalized, I discovered my ex-husband had secretly hidden a high tec GPS that connected my car to his cell phone. He was stalking me during my post-partum period. He wasn’t meant to have access to me, but it is impossible to avoid someone who can track your every move. My life was a living hell. Later, when we went to Court to seek relief from the abuse, OW attended and sat in the Court Room glaring at me. (It was the first time I ever saw her).

5. The Gaurdian-Ad Litem assigned to our case asked OW to stop contacting me, and she agreed she would. OW has called me 2x times since. I never answer and she has been blocked, but I still live in fear of what is next.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago

Stalked –
what a horrific Dday nightmare you lived! I’ve waited all day to respond to you. You certainly have a wide MIGHTY streak – the hormones alone would have me sitting on death row, probably. She did SO many traceable, criminal things: sending pornographic messages is illegal in many places, contacting your GAL & interfering is WAY beyond the pale – she abused her position as an officer of the court, at the very least. But the personal attacks and borderline psychotic pushing her way into your holiday/reveal moments – she was seriously threatened by that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has serious mental illness. Your instinct to cut ties & run was very sound, IMO (I’m a therapist with some legal/forensic experience, too). The counsel to document all of it is also sound, even if you never use it.

You have my deep sympathy for the shitshow that surrounded your sweet child’s birth. I’m trusting you & your children are infinitely better off without THAT sparkly turd. HUGS to you and them – they are indeed fortunate to have one sane, present parent!

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago

Longing, thank you so much for your thoughtful advice and support. It has been enlightening to hear the thoughts of people not directly involved in the case. At the minimum, my faith in humanity is somewhat restored that the behavior and actions of my abusers is not considered the norm. Thank you again so very much.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

So sorry, Stalked. High powered bullies and abusers are very hard to beat or get rid of. Hugs.

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Thank you Kiwi! I suppose some bullies never really grow up…Hugs back to you!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago

As the kids say these days “Bitch be crazy”

Detach,detach,detach…

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago

^^^^Absolutely!

TKO
TKO
6 years ago

Stalked…oh my gosh. Christmas morning with your kids, revealing their future little brother or sister to them…all of the joy and warmth of what a family should be…and yet slithering into the moment and into all of your lives is this. It is pure evil. I cannot believe how shattering this period must have been or still is. What a jarring unreal jolt from what you believed you were living to this sickening reality. And all while you were pregnant, and all while being tormented by the mentally disturbed co-author of this vileness. I know we all have our stories, but somehow this especially hits me. You are the saving grace in your children’s lives – I wish you the best and will pray for you.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Stalked, I echo all the above. I think a lot of us here feel bad about ‘our’ stories. Then when I read the cruelty of what the OW did in your marriage on Christmas Morning with your planned gender reveal with your kids? Oh my god. There are no words. I am so sorry. Wishing you all the best and your children. I don’t know if you are religious but…I think God will punish her somehow. Yah, I am certain of this.

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Thank you so much for the well wishes Hope49!

Do you truly believe the state bar association would do anything?

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago

You might want to talk to your Guardian Ad-Litem about it – s/he will probably know more about the specific state’s Bar Rules. But yeah, have it on file – if nothing else, it lets her know that her acts are being recorded so she needs to cut it out.

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago

You have plenty of proof to show the Bar. I’d at least file the complaint. At worst, you move far away from them both, but at least it becomes a known issue with the Bar and she will do something else stupid (count on it… they don’t change). The more complaints filed against her the more the Bar cannot ignore.

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

And knowing your spouse that should have your back, your kids back, brought this kind of crazy into your life. Really unfreaking believable. It’s so sinister. So vile. I am glad you are rid of these low lifes.

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Thank you TKO and twiceachump for your support and kind words!!!!

edithkeeler
edithkeeler
6 years ago

Yes— her state bar regulates attorney conduct and would take your complaint against her. Also consider getting an order of protection.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  edithkeeler

^^^^^ WHAT THEY SAID!

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago

Thanks for the support y’all. ????

In my personal experience, justice and relief from abuse (such as stalking, etc.) has been nearly impossible to obtain and at a very steep price: emotionally, financially, and even physically.

So far, I have been reluctant to contact my State’s Supreme Court (they handle the Bar complaints), as I am looking to distance myself from these people as much as possible (gray rock), and I am afraid that further litigation would be expensive, emotionally exhausting, and provide further opportunities for these individuals to bully and harass me.

Thank heavens for CL and CN!!!!

Eilonwh
Eilonwh
6 years ago

You are in the best position to evaluate your circumstances and options. But, I hope you are documenting everything so if you later decide that pursuing legal support to shut these people is your only option, you’ll be well positioned to show how badly you need it.

brit
brit
6 years ago

X’s AP is also a divorce attorney, she’s a narcissist, a triathlete, who enters at least one competition a month. X thought he’d found the perfect woman, “they had so much in common.” Apparently more in common than our 20 year marriage. When I married X he was well aware that I would never be entering a triathlon.
They eventually began entering triathlons together. I’d hear about how happy he was and how proud he was of all her accomplishments, attorney, professor, worked out constantly. I don’t know where her there kids fit into her busy schedule.
She and X definitely have narcissism in common and are too self centered to care how I feel, so I didn’t waste my time. It would only give X more leverage to his claim I was crazy.
Apparently her success and them having so much in common wasn’t enough to maintain their relationship.

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Oh yeah in the beginning I heard all about how they were SOUL MATES, TWIN FLAMES blah blah blah. They told everybody including the kids.

NOT enough to sustain the relationship apparently. That flame blew out forever this last week. She is posting all over social media apparently that she’s been hard done by and DOUCHEBAG and he is just another loser.

Ummm that’s why I sent you that essay Peachtitties that You ignored the week after I kicked him out, as a community service announcement.
Awww poor sad sausage. Dog turd not so tasty when you have it full time. Karma bus has arrived and i’m Enjoying the show. It’s a comedy and highly entertaining ????????????

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Karma at its finest! I just love a good Karma bedtime story! And they lived happily ever after, NOT!

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

The whore/OW picked up running to land my now XH – just like she developed an enjoyment of Capoiera when she got her married man. He left me a few weeks after I had knee surgery (ligament problem) that has plagued me since my early teens. I was never able to run.

XH and OW would run 1/2 and full marathons together almost every month in the early days. I don’t think she runs any more. Probably because the pick-me-dance is over and they’ve been married for a few years. His running seems to have decreased as well. Hopefully, his joints are giving out.

Once I got my knee fixed, I trained for and completed a half marathon almost 2 years to the day that I had surgery. I hate running and will never do it again, but it felt awesome crossing the finish line.

Chumpiness in Seattle
Chumpiness in Seattle
6 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

What an awesome FU! Now go enjoy your couch!

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I don’t think these people are capable of maintaining a real relationship. My therapist told me that my cheater wife would likely marry again (and quickly- she’s BPD) but would likely cheat on him as well. You can’t fix these people.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

This is truth. They will marry again. The facade will be beautiful and you of course are the Meany.

Toast to the happy couple and many years of Karma! These people don’t change. Their coping skills suck so when shit becomes problematic, they default to lying cheating stealing. Same flavor, different toppings.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago

Wow that’s some next level crazy shit. I hope they get what is coming and you find the peace and happiness you deserve.

Dee
Dee
6 years ago

I confronted ex’s affair partner, because she was a close family friend. I got them both in a room and tore a strip off them. Schmoopie stared at her feet the whole time. When I finished, I got very quiet and just let uncomfortable silence fill the room. Finally Schmoopie stammered, “I don’t know what to say. I never intended to hurt you.”

My response: “You were FUCKING my husband. Did you think I’d be happy????”

Yep…. clearly nothing to work with there. Looking back, I’m pretty sure there were times she and ex were together while I took care of all of our kids. That is some special kind of fucked up entitlement. You can’t reason with people who would knowingly blow up two families like that. As CL has said, It’s not that they don’t see…. it’s that they disagree. Their twu wuv will always trump all others’ needs.

nodancing
nodancing
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

I too cared for OW’s kids sometimes. What kind of chuckles must they get from that?

Dee
Dee
6 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

We cared for each other’s kids. Stayed in hotels together. Helped each other with home repairs. Gave each other rides to hockey. Worked out together. Volunteered together. It’s creepy to think that cheaters can look both their spouses and their “friends” in the eye and continue to interact like all is totally normal. That’s a whole new level of character dysfunction. I think you’re right. They get a buzz off it. It’s sickening.

LaughingSquirrel
LaughingSquirrel
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

I’m Schmoopie’s ex, my favorite is I moved out for 3 months, Dee’s ex and I were volunteer firefighters (I say were because I quit, after DDay), I have not talked to him about anything before this. So, I went to a fire call because they forgot to remove my name from the list, knowing he would likely be there. Oh well, I go to the fire and help, or I go to work and feel guilt. I go to the fire, Dee’s ex walks up to me twice, I walk away, so now third time he approaches me, he asks me what I know about the fire. I say, “apparently the house was sold, so now this fire makes it suck for two families”, albeit that was the truth and a thinly veiled dig at what what the adulterers did. Dee phones me later, telling me how her ex states “LaughingSquirrel talked to me today”, like all was fine with the world.

All I can say is “the well doesn’t run that deep”, a saying I think of anytime I recall this situation.

Divorce is settled, I have a new place, my girls are settled (enough), Dee and I are still friends, I’m trying to work on a new relationship, onward and upward.

Dee
Dee
6 years ago

Oh, the cringe-worthy stories Laughing Squirrel and I could tell about our exes…. especially since we all lived in the same small town together. (And believe me, the entire town cringes with us.)

I will say this: when you get a certain distance away from the shit show, you do start to see the comedy in how the brains of cheaters work.

Many would advise against reaching out to the AP’s spouse, but it has worked out for LS and me, as we knew each other already. Our exes STILL lie to us about things concerning our kids, and so we still compare stories. It helps us to figure out what the hell is going on with our children on a day-to-day basis. Both LS and I have a buffet of shit sandwiches to eat before we are done parallel-parenting with the fuckwits, but it’s good to find something to laugh about while we dine together. Cheers to better days ahead!

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

This is very much my situation as well. I contacted her husband, (we all used to vacation together), and she blocked me on everything. She then ran to my in-laws and they took her side, saying that my reaction to the situation (telling her husband and refusing to have any further contact with her) was immature.

I think I was supposed to accept with grace that “these things happen” and continue to eat shit sandwiches while hiding, rug-sweeping and soldiering on.

Oops.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  NotToday

NotToday
Some parents will cosign ANY bullshit their kids bring home – either they condone/support the behavior & have no character themselves, or they live in fear that sparkly turd will cut them off. UGH. Rid of them all. SO sorry you went through that.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

” I never intended to hurt you.”

They ALL say that. It’s spin that they use to make themselves feel better about what they did. My cheater wife has said this so may times over the past 5 months. Blah!

Dee
Dee
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

It’s probably sort of true though, Zell. Most cheaters appear to lack empathy. They can’t fathom how their actions affect others. So the destruction they cause… Doesn’t. Even. Register.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

It’s like when she says “I did a bad thing, but that doesn’t make me a bad person”

Dee
Dee
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

@Zell’s ex: Hell yeah it does!

A single drunken one night stand could possibly be considered a singular bad thing – a mistake, if you will. If the cheater is completely remorseful and does whatever he/she can to make it right. But that is rare.

An on-going affair is more than a single mistake – it’s a decision to deceive over and over again. That’s the essence of shitty character, which makes her a bad person. Add in the blame-shifting, and you have an irresponsible, immature, selfish, delusional bad person. Trust me, it doesn’t get better. They just get sneakier and continue to blame their bad behavior on everyone but themselves.

Cut and run, Zell. Cut and run.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Doing a bad thing once, and immediately feeling remorseful and taking responsibility for making it right again? Not a bad person.

Doing a bad thing over and over again, hiding it and never feeling remorse? Yes, bad person.

nomar
nomar
6 years ago

As is commonly recommended by the RIC, I sent the AP of my cheater (the AP I knew about) a brief email one evening respectfully asking that he refrain from contacting my wife so that we could have room to heal our marriage and save our family. The next morning, my STBXW breathlessly brought me her laptop to show me the email in which he—with the grammar you’d expect from a work-at-home IT “professional,” and seventh-grade cliches—proposed marriage.

At that moment, I’m pretty sure my STBXW was legally and chemically intoxicated with kibbles.

So, yeah, not the outcome I sought.

Might as well confront your cat about torturing mice: No shame to be had there.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

My chump friend visited the AP in person since they were friends to make this same request and immediately following was served a restraining order.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

nomar… she will fall off her throne. Karma will zap the two of them. Get popcorn and watch.

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

That’s me right now. Twisties and some dark chocolate with s bottle of Bunderberg ginger beer ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago

During wreckconciliation I did this…not once but twice. Both emails were dripping with sarcasm that I shared with those who knew about the affair. Oh how it made them laugh…..at me behind my back I’m sure. What a load of kibbles that gave the ex. I cc’d him on both emails too so he knew he was center stage. He had two women fighting over him, the pinnacle of his existence.

There was a brief response to the first email which of course was as satisfying as the shit sandwiches I ate as part of the regular pick-me dance diet. There were crickets for the second one. I was not the boss of either narc and it would have served me better to spend that energy crafting a divorce with the best lawyer in town.

Fortunately that is all behind me since I’ve been divorced almost 4 years now. Don’t waste your time newbies. There are several things that you’ll feel more repugnant about than this monumental waste of your time. There are definitely thousands of things that will be more satisfying.

Get well soon CL!

Chumphusband
Chumphusband
6 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Try being the Chump Husband. She cheats and it is my fault. I talk about divorce and all she talks about is how much alimony she will get. The best is we have saved for our kids education and she came right out and said she can’t wait to get her half to move on, and I will have to figure out how to pay kids college and I can tell them we can’t afford it if I can’t. This lovely state of Connecticut is a no fault state so the cheaters gets half of everything, can’t even get the $10,000 she gave her lover to buy his new house.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumphusband

You absolutely should be able to recoup any money spent on affair partners (including that $10K)–find the paper trail.

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Absolutely, even in no fault, if you can prove that the monies were taken for an affair, you should be able to recoup at least some of it. It would be great if you have her statement about college expenses in an email, judges hate that shit. Also, my state doesn’t recognize child expenses after 18. Get college expenses written into the divorce decree. Be very specific. Also, who has the right to claim the children on taxes. My jackass, claimed both my kids, who lived with me, without telling me during the divorce. My return came back.

Hugs to all you make chumps fighting for your kids. Keep being mighty!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Second the idea about writing into the decree who gets to claim kids on the taxes. You can also make arrangements to maximize deductions & share them. For example, my X pays for DD#1’s out of state tuition, but he makes too much money to claim educational deductions. Thus, I claim DD#1 (and in principle, could share any return with him, but he didn’t think to ask for it ; ).

Some states won’t put anything about over-18 children in the decree itself, but who pays for tuition can be instituted in an Agreement Incident to Divorce.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumphusband

Research 529 Education Accounts ASAP. You can prefund the education with a $70,000 one time contribution. Once in the 529, it can only be withdrawn for education for beneficiary. You can usually do this without the signature of the other parent.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumphusband

Come on over to the chump forums chump husband. There are topics that relate to our male chumps plus we have a few that are more than happy to answer your questions.

BowTie
BowTie
6 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Indeed. The dress code is rather informal as well.

Key points – get everything you can think of documented and get a lawyer.

BT

Swede-Chump
Swede-Chump
6 years ago

Hear, hear. There is little to gain and much to lose from talking to the AP.

During my 6 month pick-me dance OW would text me and beg for reassurance that she was not a bad person, and that the lies that my ex had told her were true. In the beginning I was truthful: “No, you are a bad person, you knew he was married with children and still you fucked him for four years.” “No, he never moved out of our bedroom, in fact he still sleeps in our bed.” Then she would contact my ex and tell him what I said, and then he would explode and threaten me. I soon learned to consult with the ex before responding to her messages.

After I had moved out the OW texted me again, saying she was glad I had finally accepted the reality of their love, but demanding an apology from me for wasting her precious youth by not giving the ex the divorce (that he never asked for and begged me not to go through with). Before I had time to answer her the ex called me and demanded I not expose anymore of his lies, or else! I told him that since it was no longer convenient to have him edit my texts, I couldn’t guarantee that unless I knew exactly what he’d lied to her about. I was being sarcastic, but he answered that he didn’t have time right now, but he would send me a list “before his work day was over”. Incredulous, I said it would be simpler if he just wrote the message to her himself, and he thought that was a perfect solution. Wanting to see how far he would go I suggested it would be even simpler if he just gave her some new, fake contact info for me and told her I stopped using WhatsApp! He was so very grateful for my understanding and cooperation.

That was more than two years ago, and I haven’t heard from her since. If she ever manages to get a visa to our country so that we’ll eventually have to meet, he’s going to be in so much trouble. I have a good life now and I don’t want to get dragged into their drama, but since I don’t know what “I” have been telling her there is no way I can cover for him.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago
Reply to  Swede-Chump

Great solution – she’s probably still getting catfished by your ex and thinking that she’s writing to you.

Mim
Mim
6 years ago
Reply to  Swede-Chump

Just wow, Swede.

Your cheater is fucking unbelievable!

M
M
6 years ago

The woman my husband swears there was no affair with – after texting him for some work she wanted him to do and me answering the text with ” He will no longer be able to do anymore work for you” started our first texting discussion. Of course she realized it was me after she asked if she had offended him in anyway. I told her ..” Actually this is his wife”….She then went on to explain how professional their relationship had been and went into great detail over how their work day was when they worked together. It went fine until I asked her if her husband knew she had meetings with married men, alone in her home to discuss work. I had seen the email. She told me she would be Blocking the phone as soon as she got home and that her husband was aware of our conversation. She kept rambling and I texted nothing back until she told me she would be praying for me and she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes.

Funny….I never told her why I was suspecting any of this or accused her of a thing. I texted her back and told her to block the number and she may just want to pray for herself. That was it for that conversation until three months later I decided to see if the number was really blocked and it wasn’t. I hung up when her work message went on. She texted immediately that the block had run out and to stop harassing her. Let me just say that conversation didn’t go so well…lol.

She has spent the last year putting stuff on fb every now and then that in no way could be a coincidence to try to get to me. He still swears there was no affair. I’m still here..I know..

I have seriously thought about putting myself somewhere where I know she will be because she is such a narcissistic bitch who truly loves herself and I know she would say something to my face. I’m still trying to decide.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

I was one of the idiots who confronted the Other Man. It only gave her the ego boost of how awesome she is.

Looking back, it was the worst mistake I ever made. Although, I did realize that 30 years later, I still have some juice left in the tank from my college football days.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

Did you throw punches?

Yeah, that would have been a mistake, however, I sure as shit wished someone cared enough about me to go to bat like that.

You’re heart was in the right place, too bad what’s-her-face was too damn selfish.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Your heart.

I wish we could go back and edit. Bleah.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

At least I have not made this mistake. I have not contacted her at all. I even got her cell phone number by mistake from the cell phone company trying to straighten out my bill. Ex put her on his plan and kicked me off. Oh, and he kicked me off the car insurance and I got insurance cards to my mailbox with their name one them, stating they were married.

Anyway, I’ve never given her the time of day. The only thing I’ve given her is shade, while she tells my 9 year old during visitation with her dad that all she wants is forgiveness.

Fuck THAT shit.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I did think about contacting her as well, but you’re right. She’s dumber than a box of rocks and has no sense of morality. I’d have better luck with a brick wall.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Sunflower 🙂

…one of our fellow chump sisters commented, ‘…I don’t like to get ho on my hands…’ 😀 LOVE IT!

We are some kick ass people here!!!! 🙂

…and yeah…I don’t like to get ho stink on me either 🙂

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago

I called my Cheaters affair partner after I was told it was over! I told her to NEVER contact my husband again and to work on her own marriage. She supposedly was with her husband on a trip at the time and assured me that she was reconciling with him. I was calm, but tearful. She seemed rather “flat and had no affect” in her voice. I, like the chump I am, thought maybe everything had finally sunk into Schmoopies pea brain, but I was so wrong! My husband came home later and apparently she called him immediately after my call. He was pissed at me, but obviously giddy that I had made this call. Apparently it was the subject of many laughs for these two idiots and worse yet, the affair continued! It’s a waste of time, breath and effort to speak to these fools! They couldn’t care less about the chump and it does nothing to stop the affair. Spend better time talking to your attorney. Now that gets great results and it keeps the laughter down from the affair partners!

Awake
Awake
6 years ago

I told the OW off and it felt great. Did it twice actually. Both times she ran off like a scared little kitten. Not such a big bad tough girl like she tried to present to the world after all.

JC
JC
6 years ago

When I still believed that my wife loved me, I read on Wreckonciliation sites that SHE had to send a message to her OM, telling him it’s over. We even discussed this in MC, and our stellar MC said this was a good idea—and that the message should be CC’ed to me, so as to be framed as “from the two of you, telling him that you are a unit and he’s the intruder on that unit.”

I weakly embraced this logic, as it put the onus on my wife, not the OM. SHE was the one cheating on me, not him.

Chumps, don’t forget that: the world is full of sluts who don’t respect your marriage; it’s your spouse’s responsibility to defend your marriage against such people. You only need ONE person to be faithful and honest, instead of somehow changing the values and personalities of millions of slutty others.

(FYI, wife procrastinated sending this message for several weeks, and in that time I grew a spine and decided to get divorced, and sought legal counsel. She actually did send the email, but it was—predictably—too little, too late. She actually sent this email on a Thursday morning after coming home at 2:00 am, drunk. I told her that afternoon that I was leaving her, as I’d planned to do the night before if she’d come home at 7:00 pm like a normal adult.)

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

Mine sent the emails in front of me but then secretly wrote them back to explain he just had to lay low a while because he got caught but that it was still on. He also refused to copy me on the emails because he was afraid I would harass his APs. This was DDay1 when I was a total amateur and believed this kind of nonsense could work. Even then I had an uneasy feeling about it but it was all so surreal I didn’t really know what to think.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

Jeez, Ohana, what a guy! Hedge those bets, right?
Mine called her to end it – he said – no proof, nothing. I didn’t get a chance to ask for an email from “us.”
My first (2) DDays were kind of simultaneous, Ohana. I was young, naive, totally buzzed on hopium bc the sad sausage was so sadz. Not a lot of REAL remorse, no disclosure or accountability, some minimal MC where I felt somewhat supported…was enough to elmers-glue us back together…held for 20+ years until Dday#3 this past June. “EA” with a subcontractor went on for 3 years: CHEAP perfume, lingerie, sext messages, skank CAME to my house, came on to my teenage son, flaunted in front of me, all the while I was unknowing.
I’d rather be a chump than a cheater ANY day. I missed a lot of red flags (from both him & her, but who cares about skank? clearly could have been anyone), but I am learning where I had choices and chose poorly, when he SHOWED me who he was and i spackled and fantasized that my love would “change him/tame him” into something better. Tough pills to swallow, but they help me avoid repeating THIS mistake. I think what I started out wanting to say, Ohana, is that we have instincts & intuition that we should HEED. Every time I ignore mine, I regret it.

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago

LongingForMeh-ca, trusting my instincts is probably the #1 lesson I took away from marriage with a cheater. And that is such a good thing. I wish I and all of us could have learned it in a less devastating way, but the lesson is invaluable. Never again will I ignore that sense that something is wrong. I agree with you 100%. I’m so sorry you were stuck in that situation for another 20 years. Sometimes contemplating what could have been is so painful (I mean getting out sooner). But still we rise, and a chump’s hard-won post-cheater Life rises to new heights.

Gorilla poop
Gorilla poop
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

Yeah, my cheater refused to send that letter because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings or be “punished” for his actions, since of course it was all my fault that he strayed. He finally did write a letter but it was more like a love letter commiserating that the world was so cruel for conspiring to keep them apart. He had left a draft of it out for anyone to see.

Uggggghghh. I hate that I took him back after that because he told me “I choose you.” It took me a year, but I did get him to sign a postnup separating all our debts and assets, just in case he strayed again.

2 years later and His new Schmoopie told him I must be insecure to blow up a marriage just because he wants to open it up a little. She is in her 20s and lives with roommates and performs in kink exhibitions. He is 40 and can only afford to live in his parents’ basement. I hope it works out and he moves to Canada to be with her. No more co-parenting with a fuckwit and his psycho parents would be a relief

JC
JC
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorilla poop

His new Schmoopie must be insecure, as the only man she can attract is someone twice her age who lives in his parents’ basement.

#winning

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

BEST LAUGH OF THE DAY!!!!

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago

I needed to confront the names I had, eventually, because he wasn’t fessing up and I needed to understand what had been going.

I think it’s very telling that the one person who replied and was cooperative without hesitation, was also a chump in this situation, because he’d told her he was single, living with his sick dad (we’d been living together for years). We spoke on the phone and I had no problem believing her, because I could tell was telling the truth. She confirmed it was more than he’d said, anyway, so she was very helpful to me. She’s the reason I ultimately got out.

The other two names refused all my attempts to reach them and blocked me. I think it’s very telling, because these two were already more shady characters, one knew he had a girlfriend at the time, the other one had a boyfriend herself, so she was probably a regular cheater.

Honesty is character !

Much Better Off Now
Much Better Off Now
6 years ago

My ex had several affair partners at one time. They all came tumbling out of the closet, just before DDay.

#1 OW was completely bat-shit crazy. She emailed me regularly, trying to bait me into a response. I never once responded to her. She knew he and I were together when she and the ex were hooking up, and she would constantly rub it in my face. I know all too well about high conflict personality disorders and there was nothing she could do or say to get me to respond.

#2 OW didn’t know she was hooking up with someone already in a relationship. I have no ill will towards her- ex victimized her also (and her son) by having her believe they were in a real relationship.

#3 OW starting having sex with my ex almost as soon as they met (he got her pregnant within two weeks of meeting). To this day, I don’t know if she knew we were together, and I don’t care. I never contacted her- wasn’t worth my time. I figured he probably lied to her, saying he was single and I was the “crazy ex”. (I found out much later that he told her I was calling him, “acting crazy” on the phone. It was never me- probably #1 OW. She knows he cheats on her- she gets what she deserves, as far as I’m concerned.)

Sounds like a shitty Jerry Springer episode- so glad to be out of all of that!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

I can honestly say, Karma always appears in life. And….it did for me. I got to sit back, point, and laugh.

As Matthew McConaughey said in “True Detective”:

“Time is a flat circle”

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago

Ever since I read the “Surely you must know what I think of you” quote in an older CL posting, I have practiced it. I really have no idea if this young woman is a chump or was aware of his cheating but I do know that perhaps when I see her some day I MUST not engage.
I was a chump second wife appliance and although I am ashamed now to know that most likely the first wife thought she was in a real marriage, X was very convincing that it was not a real marriage. He made sure to tell me they are very good friends still-generally the lies were not “she is crazy!!” but “she is an awesome older lady who helped me to get a green card.” Honestly, I had a problem with his way of getting a green card but I didn’t trust my gut and here I am…10 years later and I believe the new lie he tells is that I am a wonderful person but our marriage was over for many years…blah, blah. Essentially he is correct. But it hasn’t been over for a few years, but from the beginning. The relationship was predicated on lies told by him so it was doomed from the get go.
Anyhoo, I still struggle with wanting to shout from the rooftops about all he has done because he has been a master image manager. That is truly his full time job and always has been. BUT, I know it won’t make me feel better so I practice…”surely you must know what I think of you” Exit scene.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

Sadly, some lessons are only learned once you’ve done them ????.

How do you think confronting a 21 year old Ukrainian stripper, who drove half way across the country to get F*cked, in exchange for a suite at the Ritz and a Cubs game, went over?

Do you think her sense of morality kicked in at that moment? Nope

Do you think she begged for forgiveness? Nope

She justified it by saying (in broken English) “well I kept asking him what about his wife”. She asked that for…. what? His permission that his wife would be okay with it? To remind him he had a wife, just in case he had forgotten?

No, she said that because she wanted to come off as having a moral compass she didn’t actually possess. “Well if he says his wife isn’t an issue, then I guess she’s not. I don’t know her.” Strong sense of morality right there. No folks, you will not find a sliver of a sense of shared humanity in a cheater, because it is all about them. If they cared about doing the right thing, they wouldn’t be in the situation they were in.

Also, if you are one of the thousand chumps who have been labeled controlling…. you are handing them more ammunition for their narrative!

In opposition to Nike…. Just DON’T do it!

Nauseous Chump
Nauseous Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Solid points, got-a-brain. If you know that your lover/partner was/ is already in a relationship/ marriage, isn’t that enough reason to slam on the brakes? I’ve heard that dialogue before, and it’s frusturating. It’s like the AP put’s the responsibility of their decision of the affair solely on the cheater, and absolve themselves, when they actually have a big say in the matter. Not to say the cheating partner doesn’t (they definitely are responsible) but to act as if the decision is totally up to the cheater is false (if the AP knows).

Stop. Disengage. Detach. Run.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

When I caught the Ex with the Whore she verbally said as I walked up “ He goes down on me .. not you”. What does that tell you how low class she was?

They both verbally abused me so my confrontation was
not successful. Two mentally ill narc’s attacking me without an ounce of shame.

I then realized he was an evil, cold psychopath that I must get away from. He moved into her home after I divorced him . Married 35 years..,but Karma hit.. She was killed in a car accident last month.

He already has a new girlfriend. Tru Luv huh?

Fuck him … 70 year old Monster! ????

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I predict throat cancer in his future. Hope you are listed as his beneficiary for life on this health insurance.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

In all fairness, it was me who said to my ex that he only cares about how good she gives head and how he goes down on her.

That was back in July before I found CN.

mila
mila
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen – what a monster!

M
M
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

OMG Kathleen! What a monstor!! I’ve also been married 35 years but my husband swears no affair after two years of this crap. I’ve considered putting myself somewhere where I know she will be because she is so narcissistic that I know she’ll say something to me. Subtle hints on fb for at least a year although I am very sure it’s over now. She’s married also…

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  M

M…
Don’t even bother with the whore.. your husband is the one you should deal with. AP are desperate insecure losers who only believe the cheater.

Cheaters lie & keep you in the dark! Don’t waste anymore precious time on him. Confronting the whore gives your husband kibbles & makes him feel so wanted because two women are fighting over him!

Lawyer up & divorce the cheating dirtbag. Like me, how much time will you give him? I was in denial for 2 years but after getting physically & emotionally sick I decided my life is more important than the two losers. The whore ow is unimportant.. Take your self respect & rid yourself of the toxic people in your life.

HUGS ❤️

M
M
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen, I’m not sure how much longer I will be here but she is a flaming Narc who has messed with me too much and I want her to go down too. I’ve had it. He will be dealt with also. His reputation and financially!!

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  M

M
Good for you. I know how you feel. The anger hatred & all the humiliation they put us thru us devastating. But if you can just not let them see you upset it helps you & shows them you don’t give a f—- what they do.

The longer you stay focused on them the longer the pain stays. I know!

He’s lying to you… please put yourself first
As hard as it is, it gets better with time. I rather be alone, financially strapped then being used & treated like garbage.

Please take your power back & focus on yourself. It was like a knife in my heart when I discovered the ow. But save yourself & get out. You can do it!!

God bless you ❤️

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

I’m totally embarrassed to admit that I did confront the OW, I even had her and ex in my house together ????.

“You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. To compare notes. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not.

They might. And it might be a pack of lies! Consider the source. There might also be some truth in it — but how fucked up is that? Would you really consider staying with a person who won’t tell you the truth — you have to get the details from their fuckbuddy? Really?”

This.

I wrote a letter to ex (I know another thing CL doesn’t recommend. I hadn’t found her at this point) I didn’t get a reply from him but I got one from the OW. I think it was pretty honest and gave me more in-site into what had actually gone on. Ex had given me little info apart from listing all the things that I did to make him leave. When they were in my living room the OW had lots more to say than ex and he just came up with more and more excuses for whatever I said. It was that day that I realised that trying to get him to understand anything from my perspective was futile. I realised I no longer knew the person standing in front of me and that the person standing there didn’t care one bit about me. I found CL/CN soon after and it has literally saved my life.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

(((((((Pregnant Chump)))))))\

Oh honey…I’m so sorry.

You and your children are gonna be so much better off! Truth sister! I wish I had gotten out when my sons were babies…sigh…

Don’t ever let anyone like that into your life again. Learn about the disordered and walk away from them immediately. There is a mountain of information on CL and from CN to learn how to spot them. Learn…and keep them out of your life and your children’s young lives.

Hugs to you and yours.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
6 years ago

Well I did all the wrong things, I didn’t know anything about infidelity, didn’t know Chumplady existed, or any other forums. I was a complete idiot.

Not only did I confront the OW (a “friend”), I told my Ex that I was going to talk with her! Uhrrr.
But I did find out a few things (lies?), at one point I asked her, “so what do you see in EX?”
and she replied with “well he is very much like my Dad, and I always knew I was going to end up with someone like him” LOL (ex is 20 years older than OW).

Now, I would tell anyone going through this, not to confront, one of the things that was hardest to accept is that THEY DON’T CARE, not about the pain that they are causing you, not about the pain they are causing the kids, they simply care about themselves. To know now that I opened up to these two idiots about that pain, to let them see how pathetic I was – it makes me cringe. I have forgiven myself for that, I didn’t know any better, I actually thought that by me showing them my pain that they would stop, they would think about what they were doing to everyone. NOPE.

They are still assholes. Can’t co-parent with my EX. They are both just vile, awful people. And I’m so grateful that she took him off my hands.

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyAgain

They really don’t care. EVEN if the OW/OM has children and/or is married and you might think that they have some sort of compassion or empathy and would instantly stop doing what they are doing because they actually feel bad that about it and they are hurting you so badly. Oh no. Probably the more horrifying part of uncovering an affair is this fact – THEY DON’T CARE. This part was SO hard for me to reconcile in myself. It still is. It’s just really hard to realize that this person that you picked as your mate – through sickness, health, hard times and good times – actually doesn’t care about you. They only care about themselves. Cake. Cake-ity, Cake, Cake, Cake.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

The AP is not the chump’s problem. It’s easy and tempting to refocus there because it’s not emotionally complex. Still, the chump’s sole problem is the cheater. The cheater is the know entity, the one who made and broke the agreement, the one who didn’t he damage. APs are pawns. They chose to function as the cheaters’ objects and are, therefore, not really relevant as people when it comes to discussions about the relationship between chump and cheater.

Engaging an AP for any reason other than briefly notifying an unwitting AP about their participation in a cheating scenario is usually ill advised in my opinion. Staying focused on the real problem — extricating the cheater from your life with minimal damage — without getting distracted by AP noise is most often the straightest path between BS and sanity.

QueenBee
QueenBee
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I agree with this completely. The cheater is the problem, not the AP. It may hurt less to direct your anger to someone that you don’t know instead of the person who you thought loved you, but it’s not productive. Use your anger against your spouse to propel you through and over your trauma.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I agree that you shouldn’t focus on the AP. However, I do not agree that they are just pawns. They knowingly got involved with a married person, many of whom have kids. They VIOLATED you, your marriage, and your family.

If someone broke into your home, stole your valuables, and destroyed everything else (even if your spouse left the front door open), wouldn’t you still feel violated by that intruder?

Nauseous Chump
Nauseous Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I see what you all are saying, and I think the informed AP and the cheater both have agency, they both have choice, and they both actively choose to do the wrong thing. I agree too that the cheater is the “bigger” problem as they are the ones we are tangled up with, and whom we have to directly extricate ourselves from. The best way to do so is to disengage with both of them with as little fanfare and drama as humanely possible. Do not give them what they want. Loads easier said than done.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yes, of course I would feel violated. You are right about that. The analogy I was addressing is that the cheater gave the thief the address and a key, told the thief what to steal and where to find it, rented and drove the truck, participated in the thievery, and drove off laughing with the other thief. The other thief is definitely guilty and should have bad outcomes, but the theft never would have happened without the cheater. The cheater is the one who instigated it all. The AP is a pawn in my analogy not because s/he isn’t responsible or reprehensible but because the AP was only there to harm the chump because of the cheater.

And, to clarify, I would only advocate for telling an unwitting AP (meaning the AP definitely doesn’t know the cheater is in a committed relationship) and only a brief conversation, not a long commisseration session. (Of course, that’s a generalization – YMMV.)

Mim
Mim
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I agree GMF.

Choosing to slither around in someone else’s marriage is inexcusable.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Mim

That is one other reason I have told myself I will not speak to AP. She is a snake who has hurt my family and she has no right to know me. I have no social media presence and she only knows what fuckwit or his parents/associates tell her. I made a point of not speaking at her deposition, only staring. Let her think whatever she wants because it will not be the real me.

I would never warn her about fuckwit or his family. She deserves them. Let her find out on her own, just like me. It is a long painful process. I will not deny her my garbage if she wants it.

Wonder No More
Wonder No More
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

That’s how I felt. Skank has no right to know me. She lives in a dirty gutter, and I don’t visit gutters. Not to say I haven’t imagined all my perfectly clever things I would love to say to her that would get through her Skank brain and turn the selfish whore into someone who has a soul.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

This is the right attitude! Focus on your needs, F them. They end up with exactly what they deserve, and you get blessed freedom, and a chance at peace!

Mim
Mim
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I agree GMF.

Choosing to slither around in someone else’s marriage is inexcusable.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Thanks, Friends! As always, I pay the advice of several smart therapists forward. I bless them all for their teaching with my whole heart.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree –
NAILED IT. You have summed up the most important issues here beautifully. It took me a while to figure this out. I focused on her bc it was easier than facing the truth about fuckwit. HE cheated on me. She has her own husband (and a reported history of screwing men in her truck that she isn’t married to), but SHE isn’t my problem. She just helped reveal HIS lack of character and talent for ongoing deception. I should thank her, but I won’t
#youreapwhatyouho #skankyisasskankydoes

HE deserves divorce, shunning, NC. Truth telling to mutual friends. And is getting that.

I DESERVE honesty, loyalty, trustworthiness, freedom – and gaining a NEW LIFE!

Feelingit – my MOW (Daisy Duke) was very similar to yours- 20 yrs BossHogg’s junior, dresses like a teenager – from the ’90s, tats, facial piercing, endless social media selfies – numerous daily. Ugh. Not worth my spit if on fire. Your depositions sound like torture. You are MIGHTY.

mila
mila
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree – Absolutely! APs are interchangeable. The AP does not play a role at all. It could be anybody, so the AP really does not matter.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Totally agree Amiisfree, because if it wasn’t this ap, there would have been another.

Still wasted to many thoughts on her but sort of felt the need to see who she is. My friend who looked at her social media validated me that she comes across as the mean girl who would have made fun of the fat kid at the lunch table in high school.

She seems like a narc herself and at 53 wears clothes that show way too much skin. She has spent too much time in the sun. One of the funnier things was a tweet about a guy in a pick up pulling up next to her when she was walking on a hot day and saying “boy it’s hot out, almost as hot as you ????????. Her college age daughter responded- did you use the wrong emoji- did you mean ????,????,????????❗️

Did have to sit across from her for 3 hours in her deposition where she was unable to look me in the eye the entire time. Shows her undying loyalty to fuckwit. Just wait until she sees him for the sparkly turd he is. She now leases an apartment in our town which is 2 hours away from her job. No chance in hell fuckwit would ever do the same for her. He said it best at his deposition: ap has her life and he has his. It will never be a partnership but she doesn’t get it.

He will use her til he doesn’t need her just like everyone else. He makes no bones about saying he doesn’t care what others think.

He boldly announced at his mother’s deposition that he wasn’t going to play nice with lawyers because he wouldn’t need them after the divorce. As he said in a text to my daughter :#truthteller.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Edits: known entity, did the damage. (Autoincorrect.)

Betrayed and Confused
Betrayed and Confused
6 years ago

Ten days after Dday, when she was telling me she wasn’t talking to him I watched her chat with him via Facebook Messenger in real time (I had an old phone still logged into her account) after the conversation ended I confronted her and she lied about taking to him I then told her I was watching. I went back and confronted him. He pretended not to know English or who I was, (he’s an illegal alien) he thought he was cute. I then asked him if he cared about hurting our kids. That struck a cord, how could he act like he didn’t care about her kids? He couldn’t. Checkmate motherfucker. Well I found it that it’s over now, almost year after Dday. This weekend she looked depressed, didn’t shower all day, stayed in her New designer sweatshirt hoodie (like a teenegaer). For the first time I’m beginning to feel acceptance. And a little bit mighty

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

I confronted and busted them both. I HAD to know for sure. He was insisting that there were no more affair partners and that he was being faithful but that I had trust issues, was invading his privacy, and now just demonstrating that I would never be able to let this go.

I found out exactly who he was forsaking his family for. A girl less than half his age!!! She was only 28. And they were most definitely together. How could she want MY husband? A 60 year old married man with two kids? I simply could not understand this. Never will. They must not reason like normal, well-adjusted people.

I thought she would leave him for sure after that, but she seemed even more determined to win him. It didn’t matter because I decided that I did NOT want him back anyway no matter what and filed later that week.

All the deception, lying, covering up, etc. in combination with this horrific discovery caused me to come somewhat unhinged. And the cognitive dissonance. Ugh. I practically ran him over with my car when he blocked my exit telling me not to leave him. He paid for my therapy (and my counselor assured me I’d be better off without the cheater and explained the effects of adrenaline from the fight or flight response).

Do NOT do this. Do not confront. CL knows exactly what she is talking about. They are dragging you down to their filthy level. Choose between your cheating spouse and your self respect. Choose you! Be mighty!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

It’s been 16 months since then. Now they are married and have a baby.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago

A baby, at 60, a real dream-come-true ????
Someone’s trying to pretend they’re young again! Delusions.
This reminds me of a family member of mine, guy almost 50, co-worker 27, it was love at first sight. He was married with four kids.
He got divorced, and married her, but the karma was huge. I know she found out too late- she won an alcoholic control freak, she was stuck, and she passed at only 65. I have knowledge that she was miserable. Him, he was fine, he had a fresh victim, and she had to pretend it was great. So crazy. Even though there was no additional cheating, that’s still not a good partnership! More like a good victimhood. No thank you to that, personally I’d much rather be alone!

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago

He’ll probably cheat, too. A baby? at HIS age? HAHAHAHA – I hope you’re sitting back for your almost insta-laugh, neverwouldhaveimagined!

Zell
Zell
6 years ago

It won’t last. He will live with paranoia that she will cheat….and she probably will. She will dump him when he is at his weakest. You are the winner in the end- she “won” a cheater- you got one out of your life.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
6 years ago

Yeah, cheaters love that sort of thing. My cheater had already admitted to an emotional affair and the lay counselors gave us the movie FIREPROOF to watch. Her favorite part was when Caleb confronts the doctor cheating with his wife (and NEVER his wife over her affair). The counselors thought that was wonderful. “Accountability” is wonderful as long as the cheater is not the subject of said accountability.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

I liked messing with one of the OW’s head, as she was in our faith community. She had to watch James Bond and I dance together, and we are hot dancers. She had to hear me say, I need to get home, James Bond is waiting for me. I IM’d her when she was on vacation, and told her that James Bond was making plans to take me there, as he was, but he was IM’ing her too at the same time, as if he would go see her there. She flipped out, haha!

Yes, she is mentally ill, she told me so. She is also entitled, thinking that she had the right to poach my husband, because I am a white lady (she is not).

Oh well. We’re divorced now, and it’s Tuesday!! Meh is good.

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago

I haven’t had the chance to confront the OM, though I would have loved the chance. Now, I realize he’s as big of a loser as my ex-wife is.

I did inform OM’s wife though. I don’t see any issue with that and even if you take out the “revenge” factor, she really deserved to know what she was married to.

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I also let the fiancé know what she was getting into…… the other parties do deserve to know. What they do with it is their business!

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I did this, too, with a mixture of revenge & empathy. He sounded surprised. I didn’t name names, so it took Daisy Duke a week to sort out who had called. Also, she, her husband & BossHogg were doing business together – that ended (i think) when I confronted him. HUGE loss of income for their family.ALmost makes me sadz…

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Yes, to informing the chumped spouse which takes both courage and restraint but is the right thing to do. Of course, what he does with that information is up to him.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
6 years ago

I didn’t confront the AP, but I sent a letter to his wife. I figured she could put some pressure on him to lay off.
Oh, was I wrong.
The wife got the letter, and didn’t believe any of it. The AP convinced her that I was super crazy, and made it all up. (He may have also convinced her my ex was clingy, or in love with him, or something). They actually sent a copy of the letter to my now ex. She treated it as a trophy, proof that her pathetic husband just couldn’t let go. I’m sure a lot of other people saw it, too. It was humiliating.
Some of my ex’s friends apparently showed her proof of him cheating or pursuing her, too. (And yet they stayed friends with my ex…is that messed up? But I digress). She didn’t believe a word of that stuff, either.
I don’t miss any of these people.
I actually feel really sorry for the AP’s wife, though. I wish she would find CN.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

“Shared sense of humanity” with a gradwhore who insisted Hannibal leave his wife (me) and a 5- and 10-year old for her, and stayed in the room to hear him ask me for a divorce? Ha, no sense of humanity there (she got her comeuppance when he dumped her 4 days later instead, with me still clueless).

Shared sense of humanity with Hannibal’s last AP (now GF)? The one who was married herself with 2 children, and whom he convinced to leave her perfectly nice husband after I refused to take him back after D-day? Ha, I can’t relate to such a person enough to have a conversation. And she got her comeuppance, too–moved in with Hannibal and within a year and a half, had to go on antidepressants ‘cuz living with him ain’t no treat.

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I’m always amazed at the grad-whores. Don’t they realize that Hannibal can shit all over their dissertation? One would think that self-preservation would make them run the other direction.

Oh, sorry. They’re special.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

Sadly, it works both ways–Gradwhore-of-the-affair-fame left the program months after he broke up with her.

But Hannibal did crap all over the dissertation of another graduate student who would NOT sleep with him (and she left the program after a period of prolonged stress during his devalue of her academic work). It’s a tossup whether it was more dangerous to give in to him or to resist.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago

Where were you, Chump Lady, 12 years ago? I contacted three of the ex narc’s multiple APs (his subordinates; no sexual harassment laws in my country back then), who were all married.
#1: I went to her house twice; she wouldn’t come to the door so I spoke with her husband who denied everything. Some time later I called her, and she said she regretted what she’d done.
#2: I paid her a visit at her new job (my cousin was her boss so she couldn’t say no). She told me the narc always said I was crazy.
#3: I called her at 2am the night before my first Christmas Eve without the narc, spoke to her husband and told him everything. The next day she called me and told me no wonder God had taken my oldest son away, that I was an evil person. A couple of years later I was petrified to read on FB (meh had not arrived yet) that her teenage son was being treated for cancer. And I was really devastated when I heard that he had died. I’m all for karma taking care of cheaters and APs, but the kid and his family were innocent.
Looking back, I truly regret having done what I did (and if I lived in the US I’d probably be facing stalking charges). It just confirmed the narc’s lies about me being batshit crazy.

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago

I found out that asking the Schmoopie direct questions usually gets you only lies. No one will get the truth they want so badly. But once I was able to gain access to his electronics and social media accounts I was able to see how much he lied to her about everything. She was being manipulated by her lover more than I was. So I figured if that was what and how she chose to live her life then who was I to deny her that “pure bliss!” But those lies went both ways because she wasn’t totally honest with him either (big surprise). Once I gave him his divorce and they finally had their dream life it didn’t last long. It was a record four months after the divorce that the “twu wuv” came to a grinding halt! It just isn’t as much fun to have an affair unless there is triangulation!

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

2 con-artists conning each other. Love it !

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Yes Zell, they were “twin narcs” sucking the life out of each other and it didn’t last! These affairs seem to flourish for approximately two years, but they will last longer if they can triangulate. That’s why it’s important to just file for divorce, go NC and gain that life we all so deserve. I will put this disclaimer in though, if the Schmoopie gets pregnant or they marry just to show everyone how in love they truly are then it may last long enough to get the wee one out of diapers! Second marriages have poor odds when they are with affair partners. The odds are worse when the age difference is large also. I wish the “happy couple” luck!

outofashes
outofashes
6 years ago

Here’s my take on it.

My opinion is the APs are tools, tools of a narcissist.

My husband cheated once and I knew all of the details and they haunted me!
The details did me no good. They were torture. They are a false sense of control in the “crazy”.
We honestly reconciled and they still haunted me. That was years ago.

The second time he cheated and fessed up he assumed I’d want to know the details as I did before (kibbles anyone).
I refused. I didn’t want to know who the whore was and I didn’t care to know any details.

I knew all I needed to know.
He wasn’t who I wanted to be with any more.
He wasn’t trustworthy and he didn’t deserve any more attention.
He wasn’t who he promised to be multiple times.
He had proven himself fully.

Part of gray rock is not asking questions, that is just more kibbles.
I’ve been away from my cheater for almost 10 months.
I can tell you without a doubt it is killing him that I don’t ask questions. That I just walked away.
Other people tell me things (to which I also reply that I have no concern for him any longer).

They (Ex and/or AP) just aren’t worth it. They have proven that. Its who they are.

Nauseous Chump
Nauseous Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  outofashes

Yes outofashes… this is exactly the way to go.

“I knew all I needed to know. He wasn’t who I wanted to be with anymore…He had proven himself fully.”

Yes, yes and yes.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  outofashes

Beautiful – wish I were more like you, but I’m inching in that direction. Thanks, outofashes. You rock!

outofashes
outofashes
6 years ago

Keep inching!
One day it just clicks. I still miss the friend I thought I had in him. He was that good of a liar 🙁 I know in time that will go away as well the more I realize who he really is.
We all rock simply because we are getting away from the crazy. 🙂

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago

Man, what a buzzkill! Sorry that happened for you. Thanks for sharing your trainwreck…I could see this happening under the influence.

I called MOW’s husband to tell on her. Didn’t name my stbx, so they had to weed through her numerous liaisons to determine who it might be! Took them nearly a week to hone in on him. Blew up his phone freaking out…!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago

For another perspective, when it “works” to confront and the long game of horrors you get when you do (spoiler alert, it DOES NOT WORK):

When my fuckwit was having an EA/(I think probably PA too) 9 years ago with a little co-worker twit, I was crushed and immediately penned a letter to her explaining the damage she was doing and that they need to stop. I hand-delivered it to her home, complete with pictures of our tween girls attached, and put it in her mailbox. The very next day she announced to my fuckwit that she “couldn’t do this anymore” and it was over. Two months later she quit her job and radically changed her career. The cockroach crawled away. I won the pick me dance….. right?

WRONG.

Fuckwit said nothing to her, nor to me. No remorse, just “confusion” and sadness, after all he had just been dumped. Poor sad sausage. I pick me danced like a madwoman but he didn’t fight for either of us, just sat there in his passive aggressive, silent and brooding, in his little dirty diaper. He doesn’t know how to do feelz and couldn’t express anything to either of us. We went to useless MC, he stopped participating when we got to his issues. Soon after he took a job overseas to the middle east for 2 months and it really seemed to change him, to give him perspective and appreciation for his life (not that he ever actually said this, it was my massive spackle job). He went to the middle east a couple more times in the next 9 years including a 2 year expat assignment. I thought we were OK and put my head back down like a good little doormat.

Well, it happened again this spring, with him abandoning me while I was on a work trip and sending me an e-mail fuck-off after 31 years together. I accused him of there being another woman and of course he denied it and declared all problems with the marriage were all my fault. He moved 5 hours away to where our now-adult daughters are in school, to “Be There For Them” and rescue them from their horrible mother. He then proceeded to work hours away from them, too, and wasn’t around much.

But our now-adult daughters and I knew there was another woman becauawe he kept texting her in front of them all summer when he was around. At dinner, at the ball game, whenever he was in town he really wasn’t there, he had that damn phone attached to his hand and wouldn’t stop. Well, this last week we found out who she is with some online snooping. She is another young twit co-worker, in fact she is our daughters age, and she is in Europe now (he met her due to his international work travel). So he is preparing to move to her country now and run from his mortality. My daughters are horrified because this is very much like they are the ones being abandoned, and the OW is their peer, not his.

So no, I didn’t win. I confronted years ago and made one miserable cockroach run into the dark, but where you see one there are always more. Fuckwit is the problem, not these idiot OWs. I am sure each one of them thinks they can win him, they think they can fix him and rescue him. The current woman “won” the pick me dance since we are divorced now.

But what she really has acquired is an evil, selfish man who has dumped his family to chase her and will never be there when she actually needs him. Because he sucks. He is no prize.

I am working on meh, and I am glad to say that seeing a picture of the OW didn’t have the same affect as 9 years ago. I feel awful for my daughters but I will do my best to be straight with them and remain sane. They are approaching wanting to go NC with their father which I have not endorsed nor warned away, but they may have to do that if he continues his behavior. I will grab the popcorn as he self destructs, and cry my eyes out when my daughters send him an e-mail announcing weddings and grandchildren. He deserves nothing more from them.

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Now IC, I’m sorry that this happened to you, but am completely on board with what you are saying about confronting to get the OW out of the picture. No you actually don’t win the pick me dance. The game is rigged, just like IC says. I lived with my X for 3 years after DDay and at the end, he was doing the weirdest stuff that all pointed to an affair even if that wasn’t what he was really doing. The trust is gone. In my opinion, the trust can never be regained and what’s more, all respect and integrity is gone from the marriage/relationship.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

“he didn’t fight for either of us, just sat there in his passive aggressive, silent and brooding, in his little dirty diaper. He doesn’t know how to do feelz and couldn’t express anything to either of us.”
WOW – do you KNOW my STBX? This describes him. My life for the past…__?__ years.
I hope your daughters will be well. My adult son is struggling with catching his father in lies (“not even important things” he told me. Um, yep). My teen daughter is MIGHTY – she wants NO lies! I love her to bits. Your daughters will take care of themselves because they see you do it. Bless you all.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

STBX cheated for over 20 years with hundreds of women, but I only have two names that hold absolute certainty. He refused to give me more names … probably because I had confronted one years prior and he knew what to expect.

Just a couple of years into the marriage, STBX and I worked together briefly. He had worked at the place for a while and he helped me get a job there just after I had our 2nd child. One of the women who worked there obviously didn’t like me, but I just figured it was personality differences. Ha!

One day I walked in from a back room and saw her bent over in front of STBX, his crotch pressed into her … she was giggling. I lost my shit. Completely.

I let them both have it — loudly and with a great deal of anger. I told her to be grateful that I put my kids first because I very much wanted to beat her ass in that moment. I guess she believed me because I scared her into quitting.

STBX? He didn’t say a word during my freak out. Just kept his eyes down like a dog busted for chewing up the toilet paper. Later he denied anything more than flirtation and swore on our children’s lives that there was nothing physical. He gaslighted the hell out of me and a marriage counselor. He even managed to make me look like a hyper-jealous, overbearing wife (which, regretfully, the counselor believed).

Eighteen years later, I learned the truth … they had been screwing for about a year by the time I started working there (which includes during and after my second pregnancy).

While I agree with CL that there are just too many variables with these freaks to risk confronting the AP, I am glad I did in this specific case. It turned out she had been stalking my family — even moving into an apartment facing ours (so she could see all of our comings and goings) and cutting her hair to look exactly like mine (among other things). The confrontation worked in my favor, but only because I was able to intimidate her. So, basically, I was *lucky* it ended up working in my favor.

At the end of the marriage, when I finally figured out another APs name (a recent one), all I did was inform her husband. I wasn’t willing to take the risk I had previously by having a confrontation. By this time, I knew how lucky I was that the earlier confrontation had worked out in my favor. Live and learn.

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago

It was actually my attorney that told me to talk to the AP (young schmoopie 2.0). I found texts between my almost 50 year old now ex and our teenaged daughter’s 20 something year old assistant sports coach (ex was volunteer coaching). Ex was taking our DD14 to expensive dinners and using her as schmoopie bait. Yep because I am such a bad mother and wife and young schmoopie can swoop in and save them from me. They both suck. My attorney told me to confront her and that sometimes knocks some sense into these young girls.

It didn’t sit well with me, but I emailed her. Yep she was ‘surprised’ by his interest in her. And I guess not so surprised by his checkbook since he has MD at the end of his name. She said she would respect my wished to stay away from him and both of my children. Now 18 months later she is gloating about not only moving in on the ex and my life, but also constantly texting my teenaged kids trying to be their BFF.

I’m so glad I kicked him out of the house, notified the school so they could both be fired, and divorced his sorry ass. She still thinks she won Dr. Sparkly 😉 He’s all hers. The kids are what bothers me now. I really wish I hadn’t contacted her back then as the ex would say ‘she’s innocent in all this’.

I used to think he was so nerdy he couldn’t see the threat of these vile women swooning in to take advantage of him because of his occupation. Now I see him as the predator using this to seek kibble thrills from dumsel in distress ho’s. He brought this kind of crazy home to you where you, your kids, and your family lives. This kind of crazy willing to believe their lies are not going to believe you. Best to leave these 2 turds in the toilet where they belong and FLUSH.

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

I left out that he left us when the kids were young for a ho worker, but I let him back in with his false remorse. Ultimately the grass wasn’t greener with that ho. But I don’t think he ever stopped looking. Two suspicious secretaries over the years. Tons of porn. Total self centered ass and entitled. My life is peaceful at home. It would only feel better to see this twu wuv implode. But he can’t be alone so it will be another crazy one, possibly worse and with a bunch of kids that my kids would have to pick me dance with. I’m trying to be grateful this one is single and has a job now.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

They SUCK when they involve the kids! When my teen DD wanted to work with STBX (contractor) this summer, he suggested she work with schmoopie (who is a house painter, his subcontractor) instead. This was a week before DDay. DD told me afterward and I wanted to cave his head in. Adult son later told me same skank came on to him, too. When I told fuckwit, his face nearly fell off.
Trust they suck.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

I wrote two emails to the AP after DDay #1, neither of which I actually sent for which I am grateful. In the first one, I triumphantly declared I had “won” the pick-me contest (I hadn’t, I just didn’t know it) and explained in great detail how lucky I was to be the chosen one (I wasn’t lucky OR chosen). In the second version, I told her that my cheater told me that their relationship was over (it wasn’t) but if she could provide proof that they were still together (she could have) I would let her have him. Now I think subconsciously I didn’t send that version because I was afraid of having to confront the truth. For me, writing the emails was cathartic. I’m glad I got it all out of my system and am even happier that I had the good sense to leave them in a folder on my computer rather than sending them to the OW. I still pull them up once in a while and read them and shake my head at my naivete and chumpiness.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth — so so smart not sending! I could take a page out of your book. I haven’t sent anything to anyone, but not because I didn’t want to. I DID post a response on a gossipy local webpage that someone else had named Daisy Duke by first & last names, described her vehicle & what she does in it & where (post from years ago). I just chimed in a “me, too” thinking it was anonymous, then my hometown appeared on the post! Too identifying! Need to know how to have the whole thing removed…more than I had planned to reveal! Ugh! Rollercoaster emotions not my friend!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago