Gift Registries for Cheaters?

By popular demand, inspired by yesterday’s column, your fun Friday challenge is to create a wedding gift registry for your cheating ex and their Schmoopie — not the Eucalyptus Leave Napkin Rings they really want — but what they deserve. Or may actually need.

For example, Schmoopie marries guy who is 23 years older? A box of Depends. High blood pressure cuff? A pre-paid subscription to AARP?

Or you can riff on Nomar’s suggestions from yesterday — cheap mall lingerie, burner cell phones, and box wine. For that continuing double life.

Not a terrible meh contest, but hey, if you’re living this nightmare in real time you deserve your gallows humor. And just remember, people who marry their affair partners deserve what they get — themselves. It really is the worst punishment. You chumps just rock on.

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RollerSkater
RollerSkater
7 years ago

Well X dropped his MOW once I found out so not sure. Registry probably not needed…but feel free send condoms and other cheating related items to her happy family home. The sooner her husband works out who she is the better. Maybe he’ll leave her sorry arse and take the kid’s with him.

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
7 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

My ex would get his and hers “Validate Me!” neon signs and two twee ukuleles to strum forever together! Maybe also a metronome and auto tune to help lessen the musical abomination that results from their frequent collaborations.

Ps- RollerSkater- the other woman in my case is married with three young children. Her poor damn husband won’t even consider the possibility that his wife is actively involved with my ex and others from what I hear. We tried , gave proof , offered condolences. He says we’re all nuts. Maybe someday he’ll come to his senses

Chumptothe9thdegree
Chumptothe9thdegree
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

When I was young I dated someone like this. My first love. What I found out he was cheating on me with two other woman. But the thing is… he’d prepped them in advance to say I was psycho. I had no idea. I had two jobs, lived in another city. 2 of us got out of the relationship after the drama. But the 3rd girl was set on believing him. He had laid the ground work. Perhaps your ex said it’s a huge conspiracy and everyone’s jealous of her… he’s buying what she’s selling. Even though you had proof.

Enraged
Enraged
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

I was like that. I was living in a different world. I think it has to do with perception.
Or with some kind of enlightenment that comes with life experience. I think these 2 are related, in the sense that our reality and our perception at a certain point in time is matching the lesson we need to experience.
The moment I figured out who my husband was, my reality came crashing down.
My life seemed almost perfect up until that point. I felt secure, protected…
If someone came to tell me this and that, I would have laughed.
Even when I had the evidence in front of me, I looked at it and could not see it. It took me time.

It’s not his time yet. You did your part: presented him with evidence. Now let it be. It will come to him at the right time.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

Well, cheaters marry eventually, because they crave cake, but at least yours is not still with OW. I feel sorry for her Chumpy husband who does not know his wife screws other men. He is a poor, unfortunate soul.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

Brown undies and butt plugs.
For those you don’t know the story the traitor was downloading porn from twodicksinoneass dot com while I was in town picking up his son and taking him to swimming. So what has she got that I ain’t got? 2….

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Yup… add Mr. Sparkles to this list… he belonged to an AOL Group called “AnalPlay4Us”… you cannot make this shit up. Of course, add this to his fondness for T4M personals on Craigslist and trolling for Women, Couples, Groups, and responding as a BiMWM to a couples ad… you can understand my lack of sexual desire for him in our marriage.

And, BTW, my ass is an Exit Only orifice.

Cocovoe
Cocovoe
7 years ago

Wth?? This sounds like my ex, but he swore he was straight! He had more dick pics than anything on his computer. The OW was in the mix too, she was okay with watching him pretend to get raped by other men he found on Craig’s List.
They are getting married in a few weeks. I checked out their wedding registry, pretty boring stuff they want. Considering they both wanted a bimale to have sex with. Wonder why that wasn’t on the registry??

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Yikes, that’s truly repugnant.

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

Sorry, that was in response to kiwi.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

Yep and he saved that crap on the same stick that held our family photos. That’s how I found out, looking for photos of happier times during wreckonciliation. Sickening.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Hahahahahaha Kiwi! This made my morning! What is it with these weirdos and anal?? My ex who absolutely refused to have a prostate exam could NOT understand my revulsion at the thought of anal sex. I finally told him that when he let me shove a dildo up his ass and could honestly say he enjoyed it, then I would consider. Apparently he thought the better plan was to find some strippers who would do anything for money. Okay then. Have at it.

Bertha
Bertha
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Ok. I made a fake login because I just don’t want to post as me for this.

I did anal with xH. I liked it. He did, too. It didn’t keep him.

Toward the end, he became almost urgent about getting this from me, though. Of course, I had no idea that he was sleeping with someone else AND me, but his demeanor changed, and it was evident. Something was “off.” I remember that I stopped wanting to kiss him. I guess my gut was telling me something.

I think, looking back, that OW refused anal (I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing), and that he could only get it from me, and that’s why he wanted it every time we were together, and he would go right for it. He was getting one thing from her (new, infatuation, fantasy, no responsibility) And he was getting something else from me.

He said that the problem wasn’t the sex–he was going to miss it with me. So, he tossed me that bone, right? I was a good fuck, but he was going with her, ultimately. And then he threw it all away.

Anyway. Don’t feel guilty for maintaining your boundaries. It doesn’t keep a loser around to compromise yourself. If anything, it emboldens them.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Bertha

Sorry Bertha but the way I read what he did towards the end is to use you as much as he could before throwing you away like an old toy. Hope you are far away from him and being treated kindly now.

Bertha
Bertha
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

No need for sorry. You are right. That’s exactly what he was doing.

ThreeTimesAChump
ThreeTimesAChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yeah, my narc cheater pornwatcher would constantly badger me to have anal. When he did, I would jump up and grab the biggest banana in the kitchen, and put it near his ass and say, “sure, no problem”, “let me know if you like it”. Then he’d look all confused sad sausage and say “no, I want to put (it) in (you)”. And I’d be all “Ohhh…*you* want to put it in *me*, yeah no that’s not ever going to happen.” That would usually get him to shut up about it…til next time.

JesssMom
JesssMom
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Egads, yes! When I unearthed the computer histories I discovered my STBX has a fetish for this sort of thing. It was stunning because during any discussion of various sexual positions, etc. (over a 20+ year marriage) he claimed that anal didn’t interest him. And he never brought it up on his own.

Actually, thinking back, I was usually the one to suggest new positions, etc. He hid his off-the-wall sexual proclivities so well that at times I worried that I was too “wild” for him! It’s mind-bending to know that the truth was quite the opposite.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

It is so nice to know I am not alone with that one. I had once confided in X that a previous flame had tried that and I kicked him out immediately. Years later he was upset that I would not try that with him. He said “but you did it for so and so”. I had to remind him that no, I had not accepted that from so and so either. Why would a heterosexual man even need or want that. Ga!

I wonder if Schmoopie goes for that. If not, I should give him a hard time for letting her off the hook. Let her find out what it is like to have him pressure her for something she doesn’t want to give and then use it as an excuse for discard because “you didn’t love me”.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

I do think heterosexual men can find pleasure in anal sex (both giving AND receiving) for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the path of sensory nerves — If gently and properly stimulated, it can be a pleasurable experience (or so I’m told .. see my post above about my own rape trauma). HOWEVER, in my opinion, it has to be part of a big-picture issue. IOW, an otherwise respectful and sensitive and reciprocal sexual relationship. And most of the anal porn I’ve seen is all about forcing and degrading women to do something they don’t want to do (rape, or at the very least, assault). And that’s just not cool, period.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Yes! It is about rape! I don’t think he was watching porn until about 3-4 years ago.
The Traitor kept trying to get me drunk or stoned enough so I’d let him do it. But I never let him get me spaced out enough and I actually watched out for getting too drunk because he always tried it when he thought I was.
He was actually playing a very dangerous game because if he had succeeded and I had been passed out drunk for instance, I could have reported him for rape. The question is with the level of psychological abuse and manipulation, what would I have done if it happened? After all I tolerated and spackled ongoing unacceptable behaviour especially during wreckonciliation. I truly believe he wants to break people (just like he talked about breaking horses), especially women. And he calls himself a feminist! He is also the most openly homophobic person I know. Always make fun of gay men and was afraid any of his sons would be gay.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I always trust men who are more honest about their sexuality than to be so openly homophobic. I think there’s some attraction they feel or have felt for other men at some point in their lives and live in terror that makes them gay. (I, for instance, think the Duchess of Cambridge is spectacularly beautiful and I am not in any way ashamed to say I would take a run at her in a heartbeat! Or Gisele Bundchen, though I’d need a stepladder….)

As for the other stuff, it’s such a hazy line after a while, what we’re willing to tolerate for the sake of pleasing our partners. There’s admittedly a huge gulf between “folding the jeans in thirds instead of quarters” and “shoving my dick forcibly up your ass,” but after so many years together, where is that line, really? Alas, in my book, there are a few dark solid lines, nothing hazy about it. And doing ANYTHING to my body against my will was absolutely one of them, as it should be for anyone, I should think.

The best description I ever heard of rape was from a woman who ran a shelter in Seattle, interviewed on the radio she said, “Imagine someone sitting you down to a dinner table, then insisting you eat all the food on your plate and to keep eating even when it was making you sick and causing you pain. That’s not about food, that’s about force, about domination. — Similarly, rape isn’t about sex or pleasure, it’s about forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do, and THAT is the thing that gives them pleasure.”

CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Me too LOL. I told him there was a kit we could buy that would make a silicone duplicate of his own dick, and that if we made one, and he let me use it on him, then he could do me.
Funny. He never took me up on that offer.

My X is also no longer with the OW (think she was married, who the hell knows/cares anymore), so there’s not much in the way of wedding presents, but I could get his new GF a nice big spackle bucket (she’s gonna need it), and a subscription to Netflix to keep her entertained while he is out ‘helping others.’ (code for screwing whoever will have him!)

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Not to detract from the levity of today’s post, but (butt?) thanks for putting some of this issue to rest for me. When I was sixteen, I was raped and sodomized — you know the story, probably should have gone to police & hospital but instead sat around and bled for a couple of days then went back to school — so anal sex was never a desirable option for me. Still, I wanted to be a good partner to him, so if it was something XH truly wanted, then I was willing to try. HOWEVER, I insisted he allow me to finger him first, to see if he liked it — No WAY!! He was horrified!! And I said, “But you want to insert something much bigger than that into MY anus?” I mean, here, at least, anatomically, we were equal (relatively) and what wasn’t pleasant for him (especially him having a prostate) wouldn’t be pleasant for me. — No empathy, those guys.

(Point is, thanks for helping put to rest the notion that my unwillingness to “go anal” was part of the demise of my marriage.)

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblio

I am so sorry you were put through that. No one should have to be. I hope your rapist’s reckoning was swift and appropriate…

You are a very strong woman.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Thanks, Jeep. It’s no more than (sadly) any number of women have endured and are enduring this very minute, all around the world. The sad part was knowing I would never have been believed — I was sixteen, I *had* been dating the guy, I was out with a fake ID at a bar, … it never would have stood up in a court of law. That’s the true injustice, that that attitude persists to this very day.

The worst part was my seeing him at a party about a year later, and he just sauntered up to me like a long lost friend, “Hey! Great to SEE you! How’ve you been??” as if nothing had ever happened. Alas, at age sixteen, I wasn’t the woman I am now. Nowadays I’d figure out some way to drug him then neuter him — I guess twenty years of being a vet has turned my thinking around a bit.

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblio…yes, it is true injustice. This ‘good ole boy’ mentality needs a reality check. …imagine if the shoe were on the other foot…as in, what if it were ‘their’ daughter, sister, mother, etc.

…he deserves to be neutered without benefit of drugs… 🙂 …sayin sister…

(((((((NWBiblio)))))))

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

That’s one of those “What If” moments for your post on the forum the other day. What if I had allowed him to do this to me? Would it have stopped him cheating? Would we still be together?
No. I truly don’t believe it would have made a difference. It’s about power, dominance, coercing us into doing their will and something we really don’t want to do. But I don’t believe they would appreciate the person they have finally “broken”. They would just throw this old toy away and look for a new one to break.
I also truly believe these types hate women and womanhood.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I too believe they genuinely hate women for whatever reason, their mother’s neglected them, jealous of their sisters, wish they were one, I don’t know. They break chumpy women down with their twisted mind games.
They’re wicked and full of hate. If you were to have a conversation with my X you would think he was open minded and had so much respect for women and their rights.
Behind closed doors he says the complete opposite putting women down and using derogatory names referring to them.
Sick

Star Tingover
Star Tingover
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

+1

KathleenK
KathleenK
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Horrific story NWB, absolutely horrific. And I am so glad you are free of your cheater.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

The fact that he would even ask such a thing of you knowing your history is sickening. Even if it was normal (which it isn’t), he wouldn’t ask that of you if he really cared about you and wanted you to feel safe and comfortable. These people have no empathy or consideration for the people they are supposed to love. It is all about them and getting their needs met by making us prove our love by doing whatever they want no matter how painful (physically or emotionally). They forget that they are supposed to love us back.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

He actually went straight to asking me about fisting, saying (and I quote, because, seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up), “Wouldn’t it be neat if we could see if it actually even fits in there?” with this silly grin as if he’d just heard of some new magic trick on the back of a Cracker Jack box. Stunned, I replied, “I am not a goddamn ventriloquist doll you can just shove your hand around in, just for your own delight!” — I also wanted to add, “Besides, you have had no interest in anything but the bare minimum of touching before you stick your dick in there, anyway, so where the hell did THIS idea come from?” but I didn’t. Because I didn’t want him to feel bad about his (extremely poor) sexual performance, always hoping (chumpy much?) that it would get better. — Have fun with that, OW! I hope you buy your batteries at Costco.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

From a biological perspective, the thin sheet of cells that line the rectum…….are not meant to be penetrated by fists, toys or other objects. WTF is wrong with people?

JesssMom
JesssMom
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I’m so sorry you went through Hell … only to have to deal with an asshat as well.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Our cheaters must have been twins and you and I could be too . I told him almost the same thing except I said to account for the size difference between us the dildo would have to be twice as big as the normal ones and rammed in by someone who weighed 200kg. He never appreciated my humour…

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

My rump is “exit only.” Anyone who tries to shove a love toy up it- will get punched in the face.

Mary Jo Doran
Mary Jo Doran
7 years ago

Your screen name makes this comment all the more true and now hilarious.

Morse
Morse
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Make that triplets…. It’s the diet of porn & prostitutes that eventually makes them hardwired this way.

chump for 30yrs
chump for 30yrs
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Thank you, kiwichump. You’ve answered the question “what has she got?” Hilarious. That’s always the first question. You have the answer. SOOO satisfying to read.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Eyes in the back of her head. OW is gonna need ’em.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago

Maybe instead of a bridal registry, X and his skank could have the tackiest version of an engagement party: the Jack and Jill. And with all the money they raise from the beer raffles and dollar dances, she could spring to get her eyes uncrossed.

Sadly though, there’s no operation to fix a personality disorder. So she’s still going to be stuck with him.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

JC
JC
7 years ago

What about the registries in which people all help to contribute to the cost of the honeymoon?

Instead, gift-givers could all pay to contribute to a road trip during which the newlyweds visit all of the friends and family of the Chump.

You know, for shits and giggles.

And black eyes.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago

Pervy Pants’ Schoompies are web cam hoes and internet hook ups. What to buy them? Hmmm?

Pre paid gonorrhea treatments? Scabies ointments? Gift cards for free HIV testing? A free prescription for Viagra? Toss in a pair of crotchless panties and a thong for older men with erectile dysfunction.

Kathleen
Kathleen
7 years ago

Leavingthecrapbehind,

You forgot one thing- 69 year old ex narc
shaves his “old man” junk..& his back hair!

So glad I don’t have to see wrinkled, hanging senior … balls anymore.

Schmoopie Whore gets to see that all the time now.,, Gross ? Wonder where I can pick up junk Shaver for the Groom?

Regina
Regina
7 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen; OOh man; cruel morning visual on that one! Shudder & pukefest.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I am actually jealous of all you women who had husbands who were physically repulsive as well as being jerks. My STBX is actually quite good looking on the outside. It is just his inner self that is messed up. I know that by now, but it is still makes it harder to get over him, especially knowing that he will always be able to find anther woman even if he’ll never find another quality one again. I wish I could laugh at his appearance the way some of you can.

violet
violet
7 years ago

Wait awhile. My X was extremely good looking. He aged well, until he didn’t. Now, he looks like just another old man. It all evens out in the end.

JesssMom
JesssMom
7 years ago

Add me to this list. STBX is quite handsome.

The only good news for me is that he so thoroughly repulsed me with his character and actions (what I discovered, anyway) that I don’t have an ounce of sexual desire left for him. Actually, it’s so bad that I’m repulsed at the idea of sex completely.

CAGal
CAGal
7 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I was chatting with a woman who had divorced her husband after finding out he was cheating. It happened that we were chatting on the very day that my divorce became final this past winter, so we were comparing war wounds so to speak. I mentioned that eventually I couldn’t even stand the way the my ExH smelled. It was repulsive to me. She said that she had the same exact thing happen. She said that before she knew about the cheating she noticed that like she didn’t like the way clothes and materials smelled when she was tossing them in the laundry or making the bed. We wondered if the cheating fundamentally changed their chemistry in such a way that the pheromones they were putting out were different and we were picking up on that. I mentioned this to my friend and she told me there are studies that show that women who are taking birth control pills that work by mimicking pregnancy have a diminished sense of smell. The theory is that if you are pregnant, it is to an advantage to not be susceptible to changes in pheromones from your partner.

Attraction is a funny thing, but as and adjunct to the “gut check” that we do, I have added the “sniff test” to my list of assessments of a possible romantic partner. If I don’t like the way someone smells (meaning it’s not that they smell bad… I just don’t like it), I move on.

bepositive
bepositive
7 years ago
Reply to  CAGal

I had the same experience with my ex. I got to the point I couldn’t stand for him to be near me physically (even in the same room) because he smelled horrible. About the time I think his affair started, I found him repulsive and sex became unbearable to me – when we did have it he couldn’t get it up anyway! So olfactory receptors and/or the gut know! I’m extremely glad that he’s gone and his schmoopie can have him (they got engaged 4 months after divorce was final and married barely one year after the divorce and they think that no one realizes they were cheating).

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  CAGal

I believe a lot to do with attraction is in smell.
Once his shady shit came out he smelt gross to me and his breath was chemical which could have been anti depressants he liked to start taking them without telling me but I would notice his glassy eyes and his personality became childish.

Mally
Mally
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

My STBXH has been getting more and more smelly over past few years and maybe there is a link as I discovered he’s been cheating on me for at over half our marriage.
With regards to balls (!) mine for some reason has been trying to make his sag more – apologies for this sounding disgusting, please be aware it’s even worse than I can describe! He has been attaching heavy duty metal rings around them for at least a couple of years!
Is it a gay thing? I’ve found out he’s been cheating with both men and women.

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  CAGal

I’m intrigued to hear others had this experience. In the months leading up to D-day (when admittedly there were some major clues that ex was involved with OW but I went into denial), my sense of smell was heightened. Everything smelled awful, including his stuff and mine. I worried others could notice an offensive odour on me, and wondered if XH had moved into the spare room and was avoiding sex because of that (yes denial is a powerful force!) When he left, the foul odours were even more extreme, to the extent it was like an olfactory hallucination (e.g. smelling vomit when there was clearly none around) and I realised it was a stress-related thing. There will be a physiological reason for it, as our sense of smell is closely tied to the emotional processing centres in the brain.
Perhaps that’s why we have that metaphor for “something smells bad”, in the same way breakups and grief literally makes your chest hurt.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Yes! I had this too. The asshole is still a repulsive sack of skin.

I thought this change in scent thing was just me. It’s a stink like rotting garlic from INSIDE. It’s not normal b.o.

Feelingit
Feelingit
7 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Fascinating, my cheater developed a smell at some point that I could never pinpoint- when we were in bed, it was a cross between bad breath and body Oder-now I do think my intuition was being stimulated but my naive trust won.

JesssMom
JesssMom
7 years ago
Reply to  CAGal

“Sniff test” — I know exactly what you mean! Spot on.

Cocovoe
Cocovoe
7 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

My ex spent more time grooming than me. Shaved and naired his whole body every 2 weeks. When I asked him why he said it was a habit he started in High School. I’ve learned that most men don’t shave every bit of body hair except eyebrows and head hair. He’s 39 still saying he’s 28. Recently heard he bought a skateboard!!

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Cocovoe

Mine also spent more time in the mirror than me. Towards the end he was spending hours trimming his sideburns, nose hairs and eyebrows for hours in a magnified mirror. I also should have known because at one time I would have to remind him to trim his eyebrows or nose hairs.
He’s muscular and can be good looking and can lay on the charm. He also has the prestige, money, power and influence, which women would find attractive.
All the things he didn’t have when we were dating and early in our marriage.
I supported him while we struggled so he could work towards “our” career.
My gift suggested would be a magnified wardrobe mirror to magnify his small attributes.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
7 years ago
Reply to  Cocovoe

LOL – a skateboard……:-)

FedupChump
FedupChump
7 years ago

I hear you on that one. My stbx will have no trouble at all roping in another victim. I always felt like his looks somewhat compensated for his personality. Which was hot and cold. Two different people, really.
In retrospect, it was a serious defect in my picker. I didn’t have enough self worth to identify the red flags and use a boundary filter in selecting my mate.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

When you walk in and he is dyeing his eyebrows, picking his nose hairs and ask you to pluck any ear hairs. I should have thought of that as a red flag. Or when he takes up the entire bathroom counter with his stuff, no room for me. He had to have the bathroom first to get ready to go places, not me. Red flags. The lovebombing of gifts and needing to tell me how good a person he really is to others. I always kept what I did private as a real gift. If you gave him something he didn’t like right in front of the gift-giver, he would look at it and offer it to someone else standing there. I was shocked that he did that to his employees who idolized him.

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago

I honestly can’t see mine as good looking any more. Objectively, he has aged in that awkward, desperate, trying to pretend it isn’t happening way, so that is part of it, but also just knowing about the combo of emptiness and black goo inside of him rules it out. It always amazes me that he truly believes the OW finds him attractive, but then again, I have been in her spot, so I have some notion of what she is going through. On the other hand, empathy for her is counterbalanced by knowing that she consciously made the choice to start a relationship with a married man. Undoubtedly, he is emotionally and verbally abusing her and manipulating her, but then again, she is attracted to his money, power, influence, and position, none of which existed when we met. So, she has motivations that were not there for me. In any case, do not find him at all attractive, now, though the memories of when I did have not quite died yet, which is annoying.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago

Chumpinrecovery….when I married STBX Pervert- he was handsome. Booze, porn, and prescription narcotics took his looks down into the gutter. My mind’s eye sometimes saw the handsome young man I married. But reality showed me an ugly old man begging strangers for sex on the internet.

saw
saw
7 years ago

Yep, they do not age gracefully. Growing the beard does hide the wrinkles and the double sagging chin. Maybe a card suggesting a good plastic surgeon for the chin and eyes for him and a pair of breasts for her since he has become a snowbird. I am quite entertained that he left with according to him “my golf cart” in snowbird beach bum red. But is furious that I took his older white golf cart that runs better, along with my John Deere gator for my new digs. He is livid. Just smile and move on with my dogs and cat to a peaceful place. Oh one month and three days after the long divorce was over, he is engaged to one of his office girls. I believe it was the one he wrote in prison to help her out…she got caught on video using drugs in the bathroom at work. I distinctly remember that she was nervous around me and would not do my IV when I had to have hand surgery a couple of years ago. Back when our money problems started happening? ??

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago

Funny but he got older looking and damn hate to blow my own horn but 5 months out I’m looking fine, younger by a mile and more energy since the soul sucking vampires ass got booted to the curb.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Blow my own trumpet, tot my horn, whateva

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

You’re lucky, Lady B. I feel like being with him aged me way faster from all the stress. I always smiled before I met him and now my skin has suffered from all the frowning I did because of him. At least I have lost 40 lbs, so I am pretty back to my normal weight.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago

Remember, fellow Chumps: Pretty is as pretty does.

My Cheater was really good looking at the start, too. But after all of the $hit he put me through — now when I look at him it makes me throw up into my mouth just a little bit. I can’t even *imagine* wanting to see him naked ever again — he completely disgusts me.

And remember that the narcissist’s greatest enemy is OLD AGE. He might think he’s an Adonis now, but no one can argue with wrinkles, diabetes, and erectile dysfunction. heh heh heh If you’re waiting for the karma bus and it seems a long way off, console yourself with the fact that old age might be slow in coming but it’s inevitable. And then someone ELSE will have to wipe his ass, NOT YOU. 😀

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Yeah, STBX blamed his bedroom problems on me which is insulting. Won’t he be surprised someday when Schmoopie has trouble getting him up too. I hope she has a lot of stamina.

The crazy thing is that he claims we were not sexually compatible because his libido was stronger than mine. If that’s so, how come I was still satisfied with him but he needed strange?

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

My STBX pervert can call one of his web cam hoes and ask her to wipe his saggy old ass- for a price of course.

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago

Same boat, sigh. Just such a waste of a good face/body, wish I could swap out his brain! He has started having some internal health problems; that’s because he is rotting from the inside. The only consolation is that it will be easy for him to find his next victim since the MOW decided to stay with her husband…

Freewill101
Freewill101
7 years ago

Yes mine is very good looking too. Sickens me how I can stil find him sexually attractive. As he is truly a disgusting person on the inside

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago

I’m with you, I liked the way he looked, a bit short but nice and we had sexual chemistry after 13 years, oh well, his loss

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Mine started shaving number one to make it look bigger, silly me didn’t realise it was for someone else.
Stopped wearing underpants also.
I said and noticed his balls getting saggy, denied it of course.
Wedding registry, we never married, I thought it was because he was unconventional but this and also commitment phobic, had a minor melt down on the night we moved into our house we purchased, oh well maybe a divorse for her and some cock rings for him.

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Oh she can have some chicken fillet bra stuffers as she likes them, hard to look busty when you look like a short ten year old boy in a bikini.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen….I showed one of his “dic pics” he has plastered all over the internet to a few girl friends- during a “girls night out.” We cracked up…..rolled on the floor laughing! He had better have plenty of money- with that saggy old junk!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
7 years ago

What about a surgical ball lift! Or maybe some botox injections for the wrinkly balls!
That oughta work! 🙂

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

He he he! A ball lift certificate!

saw
saw
7 years ago

Lol!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen~ ha ha ha! Yep throw a junk shaver in there too! Nothing uglier than a pair of saggy old balls on a pervert! For a price- he gets to show that junk off.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
7 years ago

LTCB —

>>>Nothing uglier than a pair of saggy old balls on a pervert!<<<

You made me LOL with this one! Thanks for brightening up my dark rainy day!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago

Is there such thing as a ball bra for old men with saggy junk?

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago

Here ya go Leavingthecrapbehind 🙂

…guys…please forgive me 🙂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zdDfQrPi5Q

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

JeepTess! LOL! Awesome! Thanks for the laugh!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Jeep!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!! I love you!

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago

🙂

Hehehehehe!!!!

Love you too Leavingthecrapbehind 🙂

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Ha Ha Ha …. Jeep!!! You’re killing me!!!

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

🙂

(((((((Dixie)))))))

😀

…just so you know…I was blushing posting that…k…BUT OH MY GOODNESS! 🙂 …k…definitely on satan’s gift list…should he marry again…or…even…just because 🙂

…oopsie… 😀

Kathleen
Kathleen
7 years ago

Leaving, Imagine what we chumps accept from our cheating narc.. only to be dumped & abandoned after 34 years.

Ball bra made me laugh ?

Hugs to you . . & all of us Chumps

MightyE
MightyE
7 years ago

They use athletic supporters for that.

Thank you for that piece of trivia I will never forget, old guy in a convertible talking way too loudly to the sporting goods store on Bluetooth hands-free.

Seriously?
Seriously?
7 years ago

Ewww
Written out like this these people really are the pits.
Sub human.
Whenever you lapse and wonder if they really are what you think, re-read their ” needs”.
Its true, their needs WERE un- fulfilled. Thank god they found their soul mate to fulfill them. Yuk

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Seriously?

They are subhuman. My dog Fluffy has more morals and self control than these scum bags.

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago

An endless box of tissues for the habitual masturbator and porn addict – you can have hours of fun finding them all over the house, under pillows, in the laundry, bathrobe pockets, every fucking where – these ‘dabby tissues’ suck the life out of your marraige and sex life – they even force your deluded XH to spend 1/2 hr in the loo allegedly having a poo every fucking morning ( true story)

Next on the gift list is a ‘crotch shot trimmer’ – for the bare necessities! Everything seems much clearer now – “oops I went a bit overboard on my ‘tidy up/ trim’ ” said my XH on a few occasions and I fucking believed it – after DDay he said he only shaved it every so often because he hated his bright ginger pubes ( true story)

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Oh, gosh, yes. Not tissues, but squares of paper towels, for him. Found them EVERYWHERE. So demeaning to have to deal with the detritus of his porn encounters. Shudder.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Oh…..I forgot to throw in dabbing tissues and “Joy Jelly,” That needs to be on the registry for days when he can’t afford web cam hoes and prostitutes.

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago

Never had the joy jelly thankfully but after the 1st DDay he tried to introduce a ‘please me’ gel – all we needed was the box of tissues by the side of the bed………

LisaLisa
LisaLisa
7 years ago

Here’s the things, the only things, my ex actually took from the house when he moved out:

A laptop, porn, and booze.

He and Skankalicious will also need a good prescription drug plan to pay for their STD treatment.

Better Alone
Better Alone
7 years ago

A lifetime subscription to Lie-detector weekly? Articles on
. the best lie detector machine money can buy
. 10 tips to improve your deceitful ways
. where to get your nose-shortening procedure
. How to foil a private dick (the investigator, not the cheater, or his appendix)
. Need to stash money in a safe place? No problem. The 25 best Swiss banks
. How to groom your good name and image when found out
. Best tips on living a double life

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Nice gift selection.

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago

When I was getting more information about the 401K split, I visited a financial advisor hoping she would know how this goes better and would be able to better help me invest it. I took my settlement agreement, prepared with a lot of questions….

Lady about 65, smart as a damn whip. NONE of her questions related financial advice.

“Are you the first wife?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, good. YOU get the good cut. Don’t worry about him. In two years he will be in my office, sitting in that chair, taking out the rest of his, or a loan against, to pay for the other divorce. I see it every day. Literally, every day in here.”
Her face was twisted in mild disgust.

I don’t think people want to focus on how economically obliterating affairs/divorce is.

I don’t know if the second part of her advice came true or not, but she was right on the first, I got the good cut.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

A fool and his money are soon parted.

ca-chump
ca-chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Wow I like your financial advisor. I’ll have to check the forum to see if there is some sort of chump-friendly business directory.

My ex decided he wanted the house more than most of his retirement. I held off my chumpy self and let him dig and dive headfirst into that hole. So I wound up with most of his 401K along with mine and he now has a gigantic home with no chump cleaning appliance to keep it spiffy.

My gift would be a free visit from the city code enforcement division. So they can point out the stuff that has to be remedied to get the place up to code, like the roof and sewer. If he decides to rent it out there is a second free visit from another city department inspector — all rentals in town need to be approved as safe and doubtless he is unaware that he’ll have to pay a bunch of fees to rent it out as well.

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Divorce is a weapon of mass financial destruction. Truly. We spend 32 years accumulating for what I thought was a retirement together starting this year. He however, chose someone 12 years younger with a 10 year old.

I will be ok financially. I always handled all that stuff.

And I am wife #1.

What you wrote, I have no doubt that will be him. Whore has made no bones telling her kids momma is gonna be rich. Cheater X is so stupid. And yes, wrinkled old man balls.

Feelingit
Feelingit
7 years ago
Reply to  LiveForToday

Cheater once told me of a couple we knew- they can’t afford to get divorced so they stay together. Well, I guess he thinks he can afford it. My lawyer is prepared to burn him on his laughable financial statement. In the end, it doesn’t matter much because he is banking on the inheritance from mommy and daddy.

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  LiveForToday

Very similar story to mine–married 35 years, slut is 8 years younger with an 11year old. Our kids are 28 and 25. Mine was a little bit more slimy though since he stole a bunch of money and assets before the separation and quit working for money in order to screw me out of spousal support.. Scumbag

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Same happened to me and our kids. Stole tens of thousands of dollars from our accounts, then announced to the judge he lost his job during our divorce hearing. So his child support was reduced 45% and I also had to pick up the health insurance for me, the kids, and HIM.

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Sorry NewLady- yes a total scumbag.

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

So, I would send my xh the paperwork needed take that loan out against his 401K. I’d rather send a practical gift than frivolous. You know, wants vs. needs.

Out West
Out West
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Riffing on Magneto I would propose a tear off pad of pre populated Pre-Nups regarding alimony, 401K values, and amount of inheritance that goes to first wives kids. The amounts diminish with each successive new spouse….

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Out West

Genius, Out West!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Out West

Ha! Truth…..whether they like it or not.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
7 years ago

A Lovely photo album and a book of matches!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
7 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

From the Dollar Store
( nothing but the best!)
( for the worst!)

Cactusflower
Cactusflower
7 years ago

His and her trench coats? While he was out getting her on the hook, he would come home (when I wasn’t there) and expose himself and masturbate in front of female neighbors (and then brag to male neighbors about it -who were immediately repulsed!!) And to make the happy family complete? A blindfold for her teen daughter. Ugh, sorry to make you nauseous this early in the morning. Couldn’t imagine shit like this even happens in the world til it happened to me.

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  Cactusflower

Wtf

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Cactusflower

I have a flasher/voyeur too! A rain coat and a pair of binoculars to better see/whack off at the neighbors- on the gift registry!

Cactusflower
Cactusflower
7 years ago

I wonder what the RIC excuse on these losers is?!!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago

My STBX pervert often uses the terms “Dancing, Dancer, Dancing Daddy” in his hot sexy hook up/web cam hoe sites. The man never danced a step in the 31 years I knew him.
I’m throwing in free Arthur Murray dance lessons.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Arthur Murray dance lessons–Primo!!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Cactusflower

Oh my, Cactusflower. That takes the (wedding) cake. Glad you’re free of him.

Cactusflower
Cactusflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That was just the tip of the iceberg. And I know it’s creepy as heck… but you know what’s creepier? People (his flying monkeys, “switzerlands”, and fellow narcissists) know who he is and what he does and sidle up to the new victim and tell her nothing. I know because I was his last victim. He is a master manipulator and liar. The shame I feel for being with someone like that -unknowingly- will keep me on medication and therapy for years to come. Of course I can’t tell his new victim because he and his flying monkeys have told her I’m crazy, and she would never believe me. I don’t care about the two of them, but I am beyond stressed about the teenage daughter of hers. Cheater narcissists are like locusts… they come to your town, eat and destroy all your crops and move to the next.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Cactusflower

Is there a way to get word through someone else to the teenage daughter as to his masturbation-in-public tendencies? There are ways to do it through an anonymous email, if you know the daughter’s email address.

ThreeTimesAChump
ThreeTimesAChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Find her on Facebook, and message her. Haha I’m REAL good at finding people, if you need help!

conniered
conniered
7 years ago
Reply to  Cactusflower

Why the blindfold for the teenage daughter? That just sounds creepy as heck!

conniered
conniered
7 years ago
Reply to  conniered

oooh. because of the flashing/exposing himself!! Ewwww

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Salad Tongs.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Plastic.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Disposable. 🙂

Heather
Heather
7 years ago

A lifetime subscription to the upgraded membership to on line dating website of their choice because they are never too old and always the most special of all. Membership should start right away as being faithful is a time limited thing!

nomar
nomar
7 years ago

I stand by my registry ideas of yesterday, but I thought I’d add a virtual registry since my cheating ex-wife met the AP that she later nagged to marry her while obsessively playing World of Warcraft online (he was her Guild Leader–SWOON!). So to accompany these fierce pixilated cheater-warriors on their delusional life of marital bliss, I propose the following in-game gifts:

Boots of Furtive Flight: Allow the wearer to flee with lighting fast quickness from any threat of boredom, embarrassment, or required effort, avoiding any consequences of her stupid life choices.

Cloak of Deception: Oh, wait, I think she already has this IRL.

Ever-changing Mount: Now a decrepit dragon, now a musk-ox, now an giant turkey buzzard! A new Steed to climb atop whenever my ex requires a new source of kibbles. Because, hey, that’s what she wanted all along!

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

+1

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

What a bunch of sad dorks!

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

OMG. So funny!!!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
7 years ago

A gilded pocket calculador and an arithmetic 1st grade work book;

A Williams-Sonoma Pepper Mill that uses FOUR AA bateries and instructions for schmoopie how to swoon over it every singles time she uses it;

A lifetime supply of fart stain remover;

Honeymoon tickets to IS-occupied places (schmoopie might get stoned since she is always clad for the beach);

Lots of picture frames;

A 30cm purple dildo with sparkles to stick on the hood of his beloved Mini Cooper that he needed and could afford like a hole in his head;

A garbage can. Used, with his crap in it.

dealwithit
dealwithit
7 years ago

The David Brooks/Anne Snyder coffee table book collection

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

???

free2bme
free2bme
7 years ago

My X won’t have a wedding registry since he likely will just have multiple girlfriends who all think they are exclusive. So, how about a “Help- I got caught and am “lost”
1. Compass- lost true North
2. more Viagara-
3. hints on how to get paid for work with no paper trail.
4. A therapist who tells me having multiple soulmates simultaneously is because I am a splendid person- not slutty or a liar.
5. A remote with just 3 channels so I can switch from rage to charm to sad.

Kelli
Kelli
7 years ago

Uncle Dad recently remarried, so I feel weird calling him my ex. I took responsibility for that fuckup So. Many. Times. that I just really think I hit my limit, and now my brain twitches a bit every time I go to call him “my” ex. So, my preferred article is “the” when describing him. The Ex Husband.

It truly is the subtle things that move you through…

Anyway, his new wife appliance isn’t one of the many other women from our 4 year marriage. But he does have a bit of a relationship overlap problems. His live in girlfriend walked in to find this woman fast asleep in her bed. I guess the other beds were too hard or too soft. Uncle Dad’s was *just* right.

So, he proposed to the new wife on Christmas Eve of 2016 with a 3 stone diamond ring. In 2009, he proposed to me on Christmas Eve with a 3 stone diamond ring.

Then, 4 months later, I kid you not, they got married on April Fools Day, at the Justice of the Peace’s house in our parish. In 2010, on April Fool’s Day, he and I got married at the same JP’s house.

When I messaged her on Facebook that evening and offered to have a drink with her on August 27th when her divorce was final, she was really pissed for some reason… I guess she didn’t get the irony….

So, for today’s challenge, I am giving Mr. and Mrs. Uncle Dad my former registry lists to Target and Pottery Barn. I’m sure they are still saved on a server somewhere.

Or, perhaps I have an old printout in a drawer somewhere. A little tattered and stained, sure, but so is your dignity, so it works!

Happy Friday, y’all!

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Perfect! Nothing says “I loved my life with you” quite like repeating the entire process verbatim with a new victim. They definitely need to use the same registry you had, I mean why re-invent the wheel am-I-right? ?

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Just when you think you’ve heard it all!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Kelli……yep, I think the same way! I always say the XPOS rather than my XPOS.
It’s the little things…

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

OMFG, that is crazy!!!

chumptastic
chumptastic
7 years ago

My ex bought schmoopie a live bee hive while they were cheating. ( Yes a BEE HIVE)

So I think the wedding and registry should have a bee theme .
Wedding colors yellow and black,
gifts to include:
honey, Burt Bee’s lotion, and of course sting ointment for all the bee stings!!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  chumptastic

A basket full of rattle snakes for the animal lover nuptials.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago

I don’t know about a registry but what I would send them is the following:

A copy of “The Road to Character” with a note that says “for now” and a copy of “Leave a Cheater Gain a Life” with a note that says “for later”.

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
7 years ago

?

saw
saw
7 years ago

Chumpinrecovery, great idea!

Chumpchick
Chumpchick
7 years ago

A gym membership because they are both getting fat.

conniered
conniered
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpchick

LOL!!! That tickled my funny bone!!!

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
7 years ago

Bleach
Loud, tacky floral bedding
Gray paint
“Inspirational Quote” decals
Hobbies to do in the same room while he games. (I suggest knitting.) He doesn’t want to be alone; he
wants you to be in the room so that he can ignore you.
Ajax and the scrubbiest toilet scrubber there is for the splatter under the toilet seat.

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
7 years ago

“He wants you in the room so he can ignore you” OMFG what a puke

saw
saw
7 years ago

Be in the same room, so he can ignore you. This!!!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

“Bleach” hehehehe 🙂

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago

Bleach is great for killing STD viruses and germs. I’d toss a case of Clorox on the registry.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago

I just want his life to suck – but i want a front row seat.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Live well ImAPhool……get your shine back….. get the spring in your step back! Then….sit back and watch the shit hit the fan with the cheating scum bags. He/she who laughs last- laughs best.

But….I do wish you a giant glob of “Meh” someday- so that you won’t give a rat’s ass what the two cheating scum bags are doing.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago

Ihavehate/Leavingthecrapbehind – i wish both of you great things. Love this group here.

I’m doing ok, could be better, but still glad to be away from the assmunch – and there isn’t a schmoopie or hobag for me to hate – cheater told the girl he was single so she got duped as well. Just bag of lies all around. Meh will come, maybe its here, i don’t know. Life moves on. Still wish karma bus hits him in the ball and hope I’m the driver of that bus.

Happy Friday 🙂

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

I hope I HEAR about his fiery car crash as I’m getting my daily massage on the terrace of my villa in Provence, just so I can lazily mumble, “Oh, who cares anymore…. Jean-Luc, a little lower, please…” 🙂

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Love this.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

LMAO – I wish that moment for you too

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
7 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

ImAPhool….. I so wish for my front row seat too!!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

I was an Amazon Chump (forever buying books to inform me on how to save my marriage) and the only gift I know of that H1.0 bought Susan of Seattle was a book (on Catholicism..oh the irony, its almost Brooksian) so I would have bought them books.

2 copies of “How to live with a Narcissist” (they would both have needed it)

A really good book on Anger Management…it would have gotten ugly once they both realized that he didn’t leave his rage tendencies with me (he told her that I made him mad and his anger was a problem, he, was in fact the problem).

A book on surviving the financial fallout of divorce …he set up a plan that would have worked if he made about $300,000 a year, trouble was, he made less than half that.

So for real, Susan eventually married Lawrence (a “high end jeweler” from what I was told…they were engaged during the whole affair with H1). I really considered sending her a card full of good wishes replete with double entendres …

Dear Susan,

I couldnt let your wedding go by without sending you a card with well-wishes….I know you considered inviting H and I but you knew that we couldn’t afford travel to Seattle with 3 kids. You cant imagine how happy I am that you found love and happiness. I so wish that I could be there and tell everyone the interesting stories of how we all came to know each other, it would be such a hoot !!

I so wish you a lovely day, what H doesnt know is that I was thinking of taking a quick trip out there just to peek in at your wedding it would mean the world to me to see you be married. So keep an eye out, you just never know if I might clip enough coupons for a flight out there and I could share this special day with you and all your friends and family sharing stories of how we know each other.

May you get every happiness you deserve.

Sincerely,

Wifeofyouradulterypartner

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

A really good book on Anger Management…it would have gotten ugly once they both realized that he didn’t leave his rage tendencies with me (he told her that I made him mad and his anger was a problem, he, was in fact the problem

THIS!!!!!!

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Love it!

zyx321
zyx321
7 years ago

A pair of matching jeweled wooden boxes to store their cold hearts
A box of notebooks– to keep track of the lies and justifications (all aspects of life, not just relationship cheating)

For OWife: a book — Elder Care (ex is >10 yrs older and has has lots of medical issues this year!)

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Yes, a happy, former caregiver. Life is really good.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Hahahahahaha!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
7 years ago

I think the perv started buying his own gif registry items, as my children were unfortunate enough to unbox BDSM paraphernalia around Christmas.

Given his newly acquired sexual flavor, I’ll gladly purchase a noose and a bible box to hide it in (you know, like in Shawshank redemption), since he hides his real character behind the face of a bible.

Can’t forget a years supply of at home STD TESTING KITS, since he like to have unprotected sex with sex workers.
Lube (for the constant porn wanking)
Password keeper app. To organize entry into all the hook-up sights
A faux golden trophy ? enscribed with “Winner at playing the victim. May your lies come back to haunt you” or maybe just the word “karma”
A book for her entitled “how to be content with his double life”

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Finding jars of Vaseline or mineral oil with aloe in various places whenever the urge struck. How to hide instead of delete messages on your iPhone. Going for cleaning products from the linen/cleaning closet and finding a bottle of Absolut. He blames the children as we have a liquor cabinet upstairs. ? Yeah, right!!!

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

God what a dog!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Here goes:

Lifetime subscriptions to multiple bondage and cheating hookups sites.

A bigger sim card for the cell phone.

Gift card to xxx sex toys shop.

Gift gift card for IT work for home computer for viruses obtained from porn.

His and her blinders and earplugs.

Book for her, liars and the people who love them.

Book for him lying for dummies.
He is so bad at it.

Gift cards for therapy for both.

One year subscription for ball and back scaping.

Cartons of tequila and wine.

Rage management sessions for him.
Minipulation upskills for her.

A better set of kids for him you know the adoring kind that worship at his feet instead of the ones he has now.

New kids for her that hold her accountable and money doesnt buy their love.

A kool car to attract other women when the wifes not looking.

Character transplants for both.

Weight loss and body sculpting for both.

Hair transplant.

Penis fixing to fix that old thing.

Oh i could go on but thats my registry and im sticling to it.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

“A bigger sim card for the cell phone” hehehehehe 🙂

Technology can’t even keep up with cheaters. Good one Kar marie!

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago

Kar Marie – you are very generous 🙂

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Just generous enough to want them to have what they deserve so you, me and every other chump is safe!

conniered
conniered
7 years ago

The Ex and Whore live together. They aren’t the romantic type couple where they found Twu Luv. No, it’s convenient and super fun (I guess) Anyway, what they need:

1. a really good back shaver
2. Probably money for her candy making “business”. It’s really taking off you know
3. Household budgets for Dummies book
4. Sheet set for my son’t bed (since i had to buy a set for them)
5. Lastly, I’d give them some of my fucks because i have a lot of them!!

deedee
deedee
7 years ago

I would love to send his next victim a book of phrases he used on every single one of us that she could tick off as he rolls them out.’From Idealisation to Discard;A handbook for the Narcissist’.
Page one would include phrases such as ,”You’re my soul mate.”
“You’re the love of my life”.
Arseface even brings them all on the same trips,so the book could include predictions on where they might holiday.Miami,UAE,African safari,Rome.
Been there,done that,have the T shirts.

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  deedee

All of this and mine would include some crap poetry about the river that meets the sky that meets the ocean. Blah

Lady b
Lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Number 5, yes!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago

I like the hair transplant and “penis fixer” for my STBX pervert. I would also like to toss in a jar of age spot remover (for the age spot splotches all over his balding head and face). And some tooth whitener for his 12 yellowish-brown teeth.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
7 years ago

What happened to the other 16 teeth that an adult should have ? Did they fall out of his rotten mouth ?

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

They are unable to get married as he will lose his health insurance that I pay through my position. He never once said he was sorry as if it was understood why he was leaving. I’m sure this fact causes her distress even though he basically said he would dump her too and would never get married again. Timing is everything and his plan was to ‘get somewhere’ which he said he couldn’t do because of me; leading a double life is expensive. The first year out he had to take out a three year loan to pay his income taxes. Once the loan is paid I’m switching jobs and he will have to pay Cobra which will cost him around six hundred a month and he will have no longer have an excuse for not marring the whore.

For the Limited

SURF BOARD
He looked at me with the sadz after dday and stated, “I always wanted to go surfing.”

INFARED HEATING PAD
For years he slept with a heating pad and had two pillows under his legs. This model penetrates up to 3″ of bone and muscle to melt away chronic pain.

ADULT DIAPER GENIE and DIAPERS
I woke up to a piss bed often as he was a bed wetter.

HEARING AIDS
He has a noise induced hearing loss which makes it impossible to hear conversation.

LINT ROLLER
For years I wanted to get a dog. He said they were too much work and it would tie him down. The first time I met her I noticed her coat was matted with dog hair and I actually thought is was his whore’s mother.

WALMART SHOPPING BAGS
I have a special diet and primarily buy organic food. He continued to shop at WALMART and bring home processed foods I couldn’t eat. My prediction is that he will become a greeter at Walmart when he retires.

STRAPON DILDO
According to Nanthony he’s the best lover she ever had. Given she’s a bar whore there is no doubt in my mind this is maintain the pedestal he so loves. She forgets I lived with the two inches for the last ten years of marriage. He had the penile prosthesis inserted twice and with each time there was shrinkage. A whopping two inches.

For Nanthony

DREAM CATCHER
He hates her son and dog. I know this as he was complaining about them within months of moving into the second floor apartment. Her son had a child, that calls him papa, lol. He hates babies and wanted a single life. He’s promised her a retirement home in Florida. Neither one of them can get financed. Dream on DREAM GIRL.

PLASTIC SURGERY
I would have imagined he would have found a beautiful amazing woman after years of cheating. My lawyer was the one who pulled up her arrest record the first time we met. It was lengthy. While I do not judge others by looks, she is fucking ugly and classless.

A FRUIT CAKE
What do you get for the person who has everything?

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Haha doing me, “Dream Catcher”. My exw (the “w” is for whore) did get a rather large dream catcher tattoo on her shoulder right after dday years back. I guess when she’s on all fours, her married boyfriends have something to aim for. 🙂

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

LMAO!!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago

Bwaaaaaah!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

Living the dream, my friend. Haha. I always wondered about what he told the whore when he ‘caught’ an STD and was treated. He was ‘dating’ three women at the time.

I’ve decided to get a tattoo this summer and it will symbolize freedom. W=Whore, love this.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

The most laughable thing the Limited said was, “I like being single.” SureChumpedALot he had many girlfriends (fuckbuddies) and when you see where they finally land it’s never in a loving respectable relationship.

What single meant to him was to lead a double life. I’m so far removed from it I almost pity him for where he landed. While we don’t get real closure through any type of remorse, I feel he has the consequences he earned through his actions; justice served.

notsurewhat2do
notsurewhat2do
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

are you court ordered to keep the job and insurance for him? Otherwise, why not go ahead and cut him off now?

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  notsurewhat2do

It was part of the settlement agreement (Continuation of Health Insurance). What most do not know, the Limited included, is that it is not directed at the parties in the divorce. It tells the insurance carrier what it may or may not do under certain circumstances depending what is stated (some states have this ACT).

Typically the spouse pays the difference between the amount of a single vs family plan which was around six hundred dollars a year. He refused and the settlement I offered was to cap the amount I paid at this amount yearly.

According to this act, he will not be covered unless the employer fits the criteria within the ACT. Therefore, as soon as I change jobs he will lose his benefits. .

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago

I would think they would need:

Depends: OW is 13 years older than him (and 15 years older than me!)
Viagra: Hey! He isn’t getting any younger!
Lifetime subscription to AARP: OW was already eligible when she “is not my girlfriend”
Unlimited access to a counselor:gonna need that when he discards you
Unlimited access to Imitrex, sleeping pills, heartburn medication…for the headaches, insomnia and GI problems you will have in order to keep the “marriage” intact.
Gift subscription to Life Lock: For when him or his family steals your identity and signs you name on loans for the family business.
Secret savings account: to save money when either one tries to leave you penniless.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

For the OW- a case of Geritol and a walker.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago

Don’t forget Depends-nothing says twu wuv like shitty diapers!

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

As it turns out, my wife’s AP wouldn’t leave his wife for her after all – despite what he told her during the affair. So that plan went down the drain and there will be no wedding for them…..but, they still work together, so I’m sure the lunchtime getaways and the after-work “workouts” still go on.

If they were to get married though, they’d need:

1) Better jobs, since they’re both in their 40’s and still in entry-level positions in their profession;
2) Private detectives to keep track of one another since……the next guy/gal is always right around the corner;
3) A bigger back seat for my wife’s car;
4) Stronger wool to pull over the OM’s wife’s eyes;
5) Their dignity; and,
6) Real friends that respect them, I know she’s lost the respect of many of our friends.

If it weren’t for my kids, I’d really and truly wish them to get married. There would be no better karma then for the both of them to have to work together all day and go home together every night. I’d give it 6 months tops before they both get sick of reality and go back out on the prowl again.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

That’s just what happened to my XH. Married co-worker whore. So they work together. She took up his hobby of running as well, so ALL their time is spent together. Smother much?? When I married XH, his disordered mother gave me some advice (actually, she couldn’t keep her big mouth shut our entire marriage, but that’s another story…). XMIL told me: “You know, NoKibble4U, ManChild needs his alone time. It’s very important to him. He should have his own hobbies.” No problem. He golfed and then started running marathons alone.

Whore is HIS karma. She is so smothering she probably follows him into the restroom when he takes a dump.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

I am so glad to be kicking my reptilian, freakazoid MIL to the curb- along with her darling little pervert-man-boy. The two of them should marry each other.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
7 years ago

My IC said the problem with ManChild is that in XMIL’s emotionally incestuous mind, SHE was married to ManChild. I was the Other Woman. (His father abandoned them when XH was five, Daddy came back some time later – but damage was done apparently). I cut XMIL out of my life 1 year before he left for his whore. I guess he needed someone else to join their love triangle…enter co-worker whore, now wifetress..

Fucking sick.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

Brings to mind Norman Bates and his momma! Sickos!

Feelingit
Feelingit
7 years ago

That’s mine too! Now that he has abandoned my 12 year old and he has attached to me in a more protective way, I worry sometimes he might turn to that momma’s boy. Any tips on prevention?

It Made Me Who I Am
It Made Me Who I Am
7 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

(Qualifying as a formerly dumped by dad 12-year old, who my mom blamed for their divorce and “ruining her life”) -You’re so smart to see that this is what’s happening. A lesser person might just feel flattered, and a very disordered person might encourage him. I truly admire you for breaking this chain, which could have ruined his life.

What you’re describing jibes with what I’ve read on “attachment disorder” -though No One can diagnose him but a qualified professional.

At twelve, a person should be experimenting with autonomy from their parents- the classic “Ewww, Mom. Don’t kiss me in public.” Social events with peers should be becoming more important. He’s absorbed your values, but needs to compare and test them with his peers.

My thought is to find the moment to kindly acknowledge the loss of the other parent, while publicly encouraging him to spread his wings. Encourage his involvement with music, sports, theater.

Find a therapist for him who he can get tearful and mad with, who will invest in being stable for him. Try to keep other stable elements in his life, so it’s not a disaster to lose one source.

This is the time for him to manifest “I love you- get away from me!” and if it doesn’t run its course at this stage, he’ll get stuck in it as an adult.

Until he gets stabilized again, he is very vulnerable to predatory adults and bullying by other, possibly older children. Keep an ear out for too many occurances of being stood up by friends, or stories that he “loses” expensive things like his phone or musical instruments.

Explore his ideas of what he’d like to study in college, and what it will take to get there.

My feeling is that the best model for a child is seeing their primary parent leading a full happy life and attaining their goals. -Sending you both warm wishes for your happiness

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

Wow NoKibble4U glad you stepped out of that circus, those monkeys are fucking sick!!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I like the “strong wool.” Why don’t you just send them a live sheep?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

NOOO!!! Never send anything live to cheaters; given the proclivities of some cheaters on today’s post, one never knows if the poor sheep might end up in a threesome.

Calamity
Calamity
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

HAW. HAW HAAAAWWW…hilarious, Tempest…..threesome with the sheep…HAWWW. HAW HAW

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL! People with no boundaries could do bad things to the poor sheep! No live sheep on the registry.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

An all-expense paid vacation to Florida so that, like Ponce de Leon, Hannibal Lecher can search for the Fountain of Youth he craves.

ca-chump
ca-chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Maybe tickets for a one-way trip for the ex and his flavor du jour to one of the uninhabited keys. Wait, no I am not heartless, they could go to one that is inhabited — by insects and crocodiles.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

May I suggest one-way trip to Mars?

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

Mars is best enjoyed without an oxygen mask…

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, PLEASE don’t send him my way,….we have enough asshole exes squatting here!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Don’t worry about him arriving any time soon; to date he’s been searching for the Fountain of Youth in young women’s vajayjays.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest – Karma serves the best stories in the kinds of fluids Hannibal is… ummhhh… sampling from…

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Oh, then look out. The Limited can’t wait to move to Florida. I doubt he’ll make it. The two of then are unemployable.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Yes tempest please dont!!! All chumps come on cheaters stay away!!!

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago

??? the fruit cake got me ? Awesome

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Borderline meets covert narcissist. Couldn’t think of a better gift for the deserving couple of soulless mates. She fears abandonment and he can’t attach. I was going to say body bags believing she will kill him when she finds out he’s still cheating. However, she has him on lock down for life. I’m not sure how he will get out alive, lol.

Free Vix
Free Vix
7 years ago

More beer kitsch! My ex loves to decorate the house with beer-themed crap, including his collection of beer tap handles that currently adorn their living room wall. (Evidently the 200+ beer tap handles are more important to prominently display than the canvas prints of our son that I sent him for Xmas from said son.) What woman doesn’t want to wake up to beer paraphernalia every day? Their registry includes a neon beer sign to hang on the wall, a temporary storage bin for the bottles he refuses to recycle until he has soaked off the label to sell in lots on eBay for $1 (half of our counters used to be taken up by empty beer bottles that he wouldn’t let me get rid of…that smelled lovely), and maybe some display cases for his beer bottle cap and beer coaster collections. Oh, and extra diaper storage, since they have a new baby and he got mad at me once for suggesting that his floor-to-ceiling plastic totes of beer crap might need to get moved out of the tiny apartment and into the shed so that we had a place to store our son’s diapers and clothes. (I paid dearly for not adequately appreciating his collection of beer shit and expecting our son’s needs to supersede his beer collection’s needs. You see, I wasn’t adequately appreciating his individuality and he claimed we had nothing in common, I guess because I didn’t have my own collection of beer junk to clutter that tiny apartment.)

The last gift on their registry is a roll of industrial strength garbage bags to get rid of all that crap.

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

For the love of beer gods, the imagery. I can see it and actually smell the stench. A beer bottle hoarder?! Barf.

Free Vix
Free Vix
7 years ago
Reply to  FarBetterOff

It was as gross as you imagine. The worst was when he rinsed them out to soak off the labels and big chunks of mold would come out. But if I disposed of the bottles or complained, you’d think I dumped his wallet in the trash and personally insulted him. FFS, I would have given him the $1 he’d earn on eBay to just get rid of the damn bottles. I think it turned into a passive aggressive thing to get under my skin.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Id get them a case of Febreze and book on how to decorate so that you don’t look like trailer park trash.

JC
JC
7 years ago

YES!

And the fact that he tied his “individuality” to his collection of beer paraphernalia shows how the thinks individuality is made: through consumption…of the same useless crap that hundreds of thousands of other men purchase.

My ex wife used to praise people who “didn’t fit the norm.” But if you dug into that at all, what she really meant was that she praised people who chose to LOOK differently, through consumption. For example, she praised a female white doctor who had dreadlocks as “not caring what people think.”

I had to correct my ex. “Actually, Dr. Dreadlocks VERY much cares what people think about her appearance. She wants to be seen as different and special because of a chosen physical difference from the norm: her hair. All of us choose our appearance and know that others view that appearance. Those of us who choose to look VERY different from the average person VERY much want to be judged for being visually different.”

Ex wife didn’t like my lecture to her, as it deflated her bubble, and let her know what I really thought about her four tattoos. There’s nothing more conformist than physical displays of “individuality.” It’s actions that make us individuals; not appearance.

Free Vix
Free Vix
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

It sounds like she was projecting how she wanted to view herself onto how she views other people. I completely agree that manufactured appearances (like in your example) are intended to create a specific reaction in people, or to form a specific set of judgments, and therefore the person does indeed care very much. Some people must be drawn to manufacturing an identity when they don’t feel comfortable with their own. And boy does that lack of self awareness and personal discomfort manifest in unpleasant ways.