If You Could Go Back in Time…

Today’s Friday challenge comes from Joe who asks if you got a chance to shake some sense into your younger self, what would you say?

I was wondering, if chumps could go back in time to their late teens and early twenties and talk to theirselves, what advice would they give to theirselves? In my case, I would tell myself to stay in college and appreciate the opportunity it presented. I can’t help but wonder what chumps would tell themselves after they have been through the minefield of affairs, discard, etc.

Curious exercise. You may think this odd, but I’m not sure I’d want a do-over. I learned a lot from my idiocy. That said, I’m not so sure I would’ve spent some much time in the trenches with fuckwits. I wish the learning curve was shorter.

Words of wisdom for my college self?

Hi Tracy! You are at the apex of loveliness! Quit going through life feeling like a lumbering water buffalo! Go rock a bikini or something. Love your middle-aged squidgy future self. 

I should’ve enjoyed youth more. I think in my rush to be Serious and Grown Up, I settled too quickly.

I wish I dated earnest nerd boys like my husband. There were a few, but mostly I geared towards misfits and the ones who picked me. Enh..

Regrets. Anyone had a few?

TGIF!

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HM
HM
6 years ago

Not to worry, that it will all be OK. I think I was afraid to be alone so I ended up with jerks.

ozziechump
ozziechump
6 years ago
Reply to  HM

If I could advise my younger self
Believe in yourself & be kind to you
Rock the world with your brains and your empathy
Finish your medical degree and healer; heal thyself
Kick ass the imposters in your life! Banish their lies deceit duplicity dishonesty. And I nearly forgot! Their limp dick! Yes I heard- that was my fault! I don’t think so!!!
Go shine your light and help to make this world a better place!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  HM

I would have never moved out of my Mom’s house in 1986 when I turned 18.

I would have never gotten married.

I would have never gotten a job.

I would play video games 24/7 with no responsibility whatsoever.

“HEY, MA……..MEATLOAF!!!!”

Librawoman
Librawoman
6 years ago

Hey Ma, The Meatloaf! Love it!

Sugarglider
Sugarglider
6 years ago

This is a documentary of my 45 yr old STBX BIL

Star Tingover
Star Tingover
6 years ago

@SuperDuperChump

I LOL’d at your comment which was enhanced with a visual from South Park’s “Make Love, Not Warcraft” episode.

So gross! 😉

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Star Tingover

Just needed some comic relief this morning.

I borrowed the meatloaf quote from Will Ferrell in “Wedding Crashers.”

https://youtu.be/PCYArey8ykU

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago

SuperDuperChump,
That made me have a good nose snorting laugh!!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  HM

Same here. I was afraid to be alone and wound up with users and losers. 2 1/2 years out, I know I am worthy and don’t NEED a man in my life to make me whole.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I don’t even need to write mine. I’ll just say “me too.”

And I would say, enjoy every age. Enjoy life. Know that you are beautiful. It kills me to look at photos of my younger self and to realize how little I valued myself.

Sugarglider
Sugarglider
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

ummm …. (slyly puts hand up) except – I would have had to tell my 19 yr old self, and then go back repeatedly during my twenties, my 33 yr old self ALMOST had it right but slide back from fear of being alone and I wish I had returned at 37. Fear of being alone has resulted in my being alone. And now I believe that I will always be alone.

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider

Little young me was never afraid of being alone. She was not fearless but kickass anyway. And still I fell for the improbable perfect adoring person. Who looked like a guinea pig, but seemed so sincere. And stole 16 years of my life, and the house I spent a year finding, and 12 years fixing, while the rat bastard fucked my friend, probably my sister and probably his niece. Nice guy.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

OhHellNo, don’t think that you’re a failure just because you’re still single at 30. Wait for the right one; don’t run down the aisle to the guy of the moment just because you’re getting older.

It’s so obvious now — why wasn’t it then?!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

OhHellno,
I am so glad that my youngest, who is 30, didn’t settle, kissed the frogs and patiently waited, found her Prince Charming, and is now after 4 years, they are now planning their wedding!! I kept encouraging her, NEVER settle, don’t worry that other friends are getting married and starting families, just because you have a womb, doesn’t mean you must have a child to prove your womanhood- wait-someday, someone will enter your life that will value you, for yourself! They found each other and are now planning their wedding and future!

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

OhHellNo, a person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter — is not a nice person.

(These are the words of Dave Barry.)

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Also, jerks/liars/cheaters can be nice to the waiter/waitress but rotten to you, their partner!

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Absolutely! The Sprout is very solicitous and polite to most other people, just a head-fucking bastard to me (and his children!). I would rather it was the other way around

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

THAT is one thing that I always said: “Why does everyone else’s opinion matter more than mine and your sons?” He just did not care. I had all the clues, but did not know enough to put them all together to know that I was married to a SOCIOPATH.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

X is quite charming and polite to the waiter or waitress, actually to everyone other than me and his son.

If there was something X didn’t like rather than confront someone (other than me) he would write anonymous letters or notes to neighbors who hadn’t mowed their lawn or had weeds in their. garden or report a neighbor to the police if they hadn’t registered their vehicle on time or any other parking infraction. X also would contact a business again anonymously to get someone in trouble without anyone knowing it was him.
He’d then like to sit back and laugh after seeing the neighbor get a ticket or see the police knocking on their door. At that time I didn’t realize I was married to not only a weasel but a sociopath.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Yes Brit,
Sociopaths are charming, charismatic, masters of the art of manipulation!

We Chumps, are easily fooled because we are decent, kind, loving, empathetic, people and can’t contemplate evil manipulation as a means to control and abuse! These predators take their time, manipulating, saying all the right things, to “hook” and then the narc abuse begins, causing their victims to question their own sanity and reality!

They are bottom feeders !

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

^^^^^
Absolutely, Seeing clearly, bottom feeders is what they are, disgusting.
After writing my post I thought how did I accept this behavior and not say something? I knew there was something “off” (who wouldn’t?).
He had me believing what he was doing was somehow justified or honorable? WTF??
I questioned my sanity, reality and sadly my judgement.

They’re ruthless bullies who pick on those who they feel are weak and in doing so they feel powerful. No remorse, guilt or empathy.
Bottom feeders.

They truly are beyond evil.

SelfRespectin2017
SelfRespectin2017
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

So true, and I will add a related maxim: A date who is nice to you but even NICER to the waitress is not a good date.

Lulutoo
Lulutoo
6 years ago

Lol!

SelfRespectin2017
SelfRespectin2017
6 years ago

TheCheater started triangulation on our very first date by flirting with our waitress. A couple of dates in, it happened again and I said — “Cheater, you’ve talked more with our waitress tonight than you’ve talked with me. Would you rather be out with her?” — and his explanation was he had been a waiter for years and always loved having talkative customers, so he tried always to have robust conversations with waitresses serving him.

I sure applied spackle to that explanation to make it plausible. Um, no. Pretty sure wait staff prefers polite but not chatty customers so they can get on with their work and make more/better tips.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

OhHellNo, it is better to be single and lonely than married and lonely.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Beautiful. Poetic. True.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

Being poor isn’t any scarier than being abused. Poor and in peace is better than being battered!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Leavingthecrapbehind,
“Stabbing Dancing Dick in the eye with a rusty spoon “- that brought out a laugh

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

I left the cheater/pervert/liar/abuser (Dancing Dick)- and a solidly middle class life. I live in a tiny condo…..I have a not so glamorous job…..but I am happier than I was when I was married to the freak,

No more nagging depression, anxiety….no more feeling crazy. No more looking over my shoulder- no more misery. No feeling embarrassed because I was married to a porn slob/pervert!

Had I gone another round with the 12-step//marriage counseling bullshit……I would probably be in jail for stabbing Dancing Dick in the eye with a rusty spoon. I couldn’t take the bold face lies, denial and blame shifting anymore!

I’m almost at Tuesday….steadily approaching “Meh.” Come on “Meh”!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

OMG, this! “Being poor and at peace is better than” . . . being abused physically, being cheated on, being blamed, being duped, being conned, spending 25 years with a narcissist with BPD, suffering through D-days, going through a hellacious divorce and trial with a narcissist with BPD intent on destroying you financially and mentally for having the audacity to question his abuse and cheating and lying, hearing the man you chose to be the father of your children tell those precious beings that he hated every minute of their lives, sitting in ERs multiple times while your precious child is on psych lock-down from her latest suicide attempt and/or OD following devalue and blameshifting and discard by her monsterous father, laying in bed trying to comfort weeping children night after night as they cry “why doesn’t dad love us, why does he want to leave us?”and knowing that nothing you do can “fix” this or undo the harm he caused to their sense of security and worth. . . . .

If I could message my 15 year old self (the age when my dad died in my arms) and my mom kicked me out on the streets I would say: “Darling girl, these are the darkest of times, but hang on and hunker in. Life is worth living. Focus on sleeping, eating the best food you can get, pray to a higher power, spend a lot of time with your farm animals and riding your horses, do not drink alcohol or sleep with boys to soothe your pain and terror and loneliness, the days will pass, you will be free of Mom’s abuse — that is all on her, it is not about you in the slightest — you are a perfect human even with your human failings, good people will cross your path, trust people’s actions — if they are scary to you — run away. Beware anyone, especially men, who love bomb you. Run away from them. You are perfect just as you are. You get to grieve for as long as it takes. You can do this. You will be free of this torture and extreme loneliness and despair someday. Do not even think of partnering with any man until you are fully self sufficient. Then watch all of his actions for a long time. If he is not kind and empathetic towards all, then run away. Do not settle for the illusion of financial security. Rely on yourself for that. You will never let yourself down. You can be your own sense of security.”

Just writing this makes me want to cry. When thinking about my childhood, I realize that I suffered so much abject abuse and neglect, its no wonder I was vulnerable to so many men, including two husbands, who abused me physically and mentally. . . .38 years of mostly hell. It is hard to think about some days. I try not to mire in self pity because that will do nothing for me today. In so many ways, I have been blessed beyond belief too: born during this modern era and relative peace, plentiful food, modern medicine, the right to get educated and speak my mind, and friends who have shown me love and kindness.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago

MotherChumper – what a moving and beautiful post. You have clearly gained much wisdom along your very difficult journey.
I related to your writing about your daughter – mine has been suicidal with her father’s behaviours too and, although she hasn’t been admitted, we have had a lot of intervention. She is better than she was, although still has to deal with her father’s abuse and that pains me terribly. At least, however, our daughters will not have to deal with the fallout unsupported and invalidated. Hopefully their path to resilience will be much shorter than ours.
It is easy to get caught up in all of this and never see the beauty of life, though – which is still there, as you acknowledged. Xxx

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

OutOfSparkles,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this with your daughter. Your love, courage and wisdom will be the source of strength your daughter will pull from as she navigates the aftermath of her father’s abuse. No child should have to go through this!! I started crying, just reading your post about your daughter being suicidal and the interventions you’ve had to go through!! Just know, by your example, you being there, supporting her, validating her, you are ensuring your daughter’s path to resilience will be a short one. You will be there with her every step of the way, lovingly guiding her, holding her hand as she makes this difficult journey. It will be your strength and your unconditional love that will give her the courage and stamina to get through this. I picture you as a lioness, protecting her cub, with her fierce roar!!!!

Many, many hugs to you and your daughter

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
6 years ago

All the hugs, and so glad you’ve come to a safe harbour at last Motherchumper. Much to you and your children. Xxx

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

Fern, Nothischump48, LovedAJackass, Peacekeeper, Wildcat, MovingOnChump, NotToday, SeeingClearly, and ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump, thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago

MC99,
Each and every time I read your story, comments, posts, I cry for you and your precious children. I wish I could give you a strong hug, and look at you, tell you, you are AMAZING!

Look up Nikita Gill quotes, I love this quote by her:

“ if you are someone who still carries hope in your heart, kindness in your eyes, and generosity in your fingertips despite terrible people happening to you, thank you. You are one of the few truly pure things left in this world, and you deserve to be protected “

Hugs- I salute you!

Seeing clearly

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago

MotherChumper99,
Read your post, my hear breaks for you!

Just know you are one strong, amazing woman! You are a survivor. You have courage x a million- people that abused you – they have zilch, none at all!!

So, Don’t think for ONE minute you are full of self pity!! Just the opposite/ you are taking charge of your life!!

Many hugs,
Seeing clearly

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago

Wow, MC99, poignant and transparent. You are my hero for being a survivor and conquerer and in some ways putting to words some of my story and advice to my former self too. Thank you

MovingOnChump
MovingOnChump
6 years ago

MotherChumper99, I could cut and paste your advice to your younger self it rings so true for me too. You are a strong lady. The word “perseverance”…she persevered…comes to mind.

If you haven’t already, I think your advice to your younger self would be great advice to your kids.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

But here’s the happy ending. You endured. You did the best you could to survive. And here you are now, full of wisdom–FULL OF WISDOM–from living and learning. You had a hard journey; I did too, but I at least had a home, even if it was abusive and troubled at time. But we didn’t repeat the mistakes of our parents. We love. We care for others.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

(((((((((((((MotherChumper99&lovedAJackass))))))))
I have a profound love and respect for both of you wonderful women!!
Sometimes it is impossible to come up with adequate words to express just how amazing you both are, and how much I admire and respect how you have risen above it all, so today, I will just leave it at that!!
❤️❤️

wildcat
wildcat
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

peacekeeper, you are so right! I have a deep sense of gratitude and love for LAJ, MotherChumper99 and so many others that post their hard-earned wisdom on this site.

I have a hard time coming up with the words too and they always seem to know what to say that perfectly expresses what I am thinking and feeling.

Thank you from the bottom of my slowly healing heart. Hugs to all!!

Fern
Fern
6 years ago

MotherChumper99
Wow, this is a very moving post. There is a world of difference between self-pity and self-compassion. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You have been through enough.
Thanks for sharing your story.
(())

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  Fern

Absolutely agree with Fern. No one should have to live what you lived through MotherChumper. Be kind to yourself and it’s totally okay to cry for that little girl that is still you.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Fern

Thank you Fern. I love your name, btw. Reminds me of a favorite childrens’ book, Charlotte’s Web❤️❤️❤️

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
5 years ago

Mother Chumper, your words resonate with me so much. Can we be friends? Let’s ask Tempest to put us in conta6.

wildcat
wildcat
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

OhHellNo,

Yes, I agree, ditto for me. I would also add:

Wildcat, “You are worthy and enough – don’t ignore the red flags just because you are getting older”

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

Abstinence before marriage.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Never live with anyone outside of marriage. And never marry unless the man is of the highest character.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I will never live with anyone inside marriage again! And that is something of which I am 100% certain!

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Agree strongly with CL. My divorce support group is great, but when they show the church sponsored videos talking about waiting for sex until remarriage, I laugh.

I’ve been married 35 years and there is NO way I’d remarry anyone without determining sexual compatibility FIRST.

Hell, I would not even date them for long, without learning about their sex drive, preferences, and attentiveness to MY needs. I’m in my 50’s and not “waiting” anymore. But that is me at my age, maybe not generally applicable. But it’s a huge factor for me.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

D1F&K, I absolutely agree! I can’t imagine marrying again (I’m almost 56) but if I did, you can bet I would make sure I knew all about “their sex drive, preferences, and attentiveness to MY needs.” Especially the attentiveness part. That was sadly lacking in my marriage. Never again.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago

I was raised Catholic, as was my STBXW. Neither of us were really experienced sexually. We were sexually active before we married because we felt we were in love. Everything was fine until it wasn’t. My STBXW’s view on the world changed in so many ways, or so it seemed. Religion, not important, marriage vows, not important, future we had planned together, not important. I think our sexuality is meant to be a gift to each other. Obviously not everyone values that the same way. That is where you have a problem.

Wonder No More
Wonder No More
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I have a slightly different take. Some people bond through sex (and we either clearly know who we are, or sense it on a gut level). For others sex can be separated. Those that experience sex as a deeper connection need to protect themselves.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Absolutely no way do I believe that anyone should wait until marriage before engaging in a sexual relationship with one’s partner. Hell, I even believe in “casual” sex before marriage, so long as it is consensual and respectful. I regret my sexual exploration pre-marriage not at all. In fact, I wish I had engaged in more of it!

What I generally regret is allowing the person I was to be so easily put aside, in order to meet the expectations of being “the good wife”. I, and so many other chumps, put our needs exactly last. We allow ourselves to lose our fundamental selves in order to “please” our mates.

I thought I was supposed to put everyone else’s desires before my own. Hell, I was trained to do so. When it all came crashing down, I no longer knew who I truly was. What did I believe? What did I envision my life to be? Who the hell was I?

Obviously, these questions came long after the initial shock and devastation of betrayal. My questions came significantly after I emerged from the darkness and anger of the early days. Only later, did I begin to want to find the young woman I left by the side of the road in my rush to coupledom, all those years ago.

So while I generally do not believe in regret, I do regret that I did not respect and honor that young woman and her hopes and dreams. I lost her spirit. Still, she is with me, and is beginning to teach me to be brave, to take chances, and to insist that others honor the decisions about my remaining journey. I don’t know where my next path will lead me, but I know the journey will be mine and that a certain carefree, confident, and spirited young woman will be accompanying every step of the way.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hmmm . . . Tracy, your anti-abstinence answer gives me pause. I have received somewhat negative responses in the past from this site to my other religious / spiritual / moral comments, too. It makes me re-evaluate where you’re coming from and in what spirit.

coolinmn
coolinmn
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

My STBX is my one and only. I am not that to him. He dated before he met me and seemed ok to take it slow. But, what I didn’t realize was that it gave him the green light in his mind to pursue porn in copious amounts while we were dating and then also
after we got married. He then graduated to a mistress much younger than him and we are divorcing but in the meantime, his porn use affected our marriage long before the mistsss.

MightyChris
MightyChris
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Well, Christianity or any other religion doesn’t have a monopoly on morality, good or bad. Being a better Christian or marrying a more religious person would not have made you less likely to be cheated upon. In a way, it seems like you’re still in some way framing all of this as your own fault for not being moral enough. Which is likely why Tracy objects – you blaming yourself for not being abstinent, when in actual fact, even people who tried this have been cheated on, because it didn’t protect against a partner of bad character.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Queen Mother, I don’t think that abstinence before marriage is a bad thing. I think it is beautiful commitment and a leap of faith for sure.

The problem with all of us here on this site is that our ex-partners, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends had ZERO character, cheated on us thereby driving us to this site for answers to the complete madness we have suffered. What they do is lie, scheme and manipulate as narcissists. It is a perfect game and trap then for a Narc to say he/she “wants” to save himself/herself for marriage, give the appearance of being a religious person but cheat left and right on us unknowing chumps.

I don’t believe a Narc can be abstinent at all. No way. When you think about it, a Narc cannot be a Christian now can they? They are all about getting ALL the kibles they can without caring one whit about you or anyone else. We are appliances to be used at their whim and that goes against the principles of Christianity completely.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Hope49,
Your question about can narcs be Christian’s? I know we aren’t supposed to judge, but somehow the evil mind of a narc predator and ability to be a Christian / I think they love to put up the facade of being a Christian in hopes that if people see narc in church, narc with a bible, the illusion of Christian, I’m a decent person is put out there for his flying monkeys and the Switzerland friends. At the end of the day, you can wrap up shit in beautiful paper with a bow and it is still shit and it stinks!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

As any cop will tell you when interviewing a suspect, when they say the reason they wouldn’t do the crime they are being accused of, “because I’m Christian,” is a red flag and most likely, they committed the crime. They minimize the crime, or reflect the question back. For example to the question, “Did you take the money?” The person answered, “Why would I do that? I’m a Christian, I wouldn’t do that.” They don’t say what the majority of trustworthy and honest people would say, “I would never steal something that didn’t belong to me. It’s wrong and I just wouldn’t steal.” Someone who is truly Christian, and not using it as a shield to mask their true self, can still commit a crime, but it’s easy to see the guilt and remorse, and they usually want to ask the person they’ve harmed for forgiveness.

I forgot that very important lesson in my personal life, but no more. When I date someone, I will review their words with an eye on why they would or wouldn’t have done something. Fucktard used to say that he would never cheat because he has problems handing one woman, why would he want another? I accepted this instead of recognizing the lie and asking, “Why do you want another?” Had he not been cheating he would have recognized the hurt and damage to our marriage cheating would have caused and said as much.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago

Annie get your guns,
You are so right, the ability to have guilt and remorse and truly asking for forgiveness to the person they’ve harmed, really reflects a persons character, whether Christian or not.
IMHO, so many predator’s hide behind the Bible or their Christianity, a wolf in sheeps clothing, creating the illusion they have a moral compass and use that excuse to validate to themselves and their despicable character!

Never judge a book by its cover, always comes to mind! Actions speak louder than words!

My narc Stbx, always used “other people do this or that, to justify the shit he spewed. I frequently asked him, “why is it so important to you to use other people and their views, can’t you have a viewpoint on your own?”.

During all the years of narc abuse, he would frequently say in defense of his actions , “ I’ve never been to jail-prison, I don’t drink, I don’t bother anyone , etc”! The fact that a person who had never been to prison , didn’t drink, and had a job, was the standard he used to reflect character, used to blow my mind!! I used to tell him, “Ted Bundy was charismatic and well liked by his peers, co-workers “, a man can beat the shit out of his wife and come home with an expensive piece of jewelry as an I’m sorry gesture “, does that make him a good guy” !

The mind of a narc sociopath is a twisted, dark place!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Hope49,

I dated a man in 2016 who claimed to be a “Christian”. His true character seeped out over a few months. He shared that he had cheated on his first wife during her first pregnancy;he was swept up in a sting operation with prostitutes and arrested. She stayed with him and they had a second child. He eventually left her for another woman he met while they were in group Christian counseling. That marriage imploded after twelve years and he claimed that he hadn’t had sex in three years when I met him.

Guess who was getting blow jobs from a poor woman in his church in exchange for driving her around ? She doesn’t own a car and she divulged her childhood sexual abuse to me five minutes after I met her at a holiday gathering. A truly reprehensible person to do that to another !

So much for being a Christian…Actions over words

ps The sex sucked and I insisted he use a condom. I suspect he watches a ton of porn and he needs Viagra

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago

I need to add that I met him in real life and a couple of months into dating he announced to me he was posting his profile on “Christian Mingle” I guess I wasn’t doing the “pick me dance” in my tap dance shoes hard or fast enough. I took a gander at his profile-one lie after another.

Next !

Stillhere
Stillhere
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Not always. The idiot my daughter dated for 4 months (he majorly pursued her) told her it was time to see if they were compatible for marriage. She told him no and he dumped her. Went after her friend from church and was secretly engaged 2 weeks later but waited a month to announce it. They were married 3 months later. She was spending the night at his house within 2 weeks. We only know this because he built a house 5 streets down from us and lives there now with the wife and ex friend… My daughter dodged a huge bullet. There were red flags but she didn’t share them until after.

I didn’t see them as I was right in the midst of my mess with my great husband of 33 years. Just had to share that. I warned the girl when she called me one day. He told her that he never dated my daughter. He was a skilled liar. She was needy with two little kids and an ex who left her for another woman two years before. She also made more money than my daughter. He wanted a wife when he got in his new house!

Thank God it wasn’t my daughter. We found out later he was dating my daughter and two others at the same time! May they live now in happy wedded bliss!!… lol

Stillhere
Stillhere
6 years ago
Reply to  Stillhere

That was meant for Chump lady’s response to compatibility.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I agree that it can be good to ensure sexual compatibility before marriage and that at least some kind of sexual contact is really informative about a person.

I am a huge proponent of each person getting to choose for his/her own body whether and when and how to share sex. I think if a person wants to abstain until marriage, that’s as reasonable a choice as any. It wouldn’t be mine, and that’s ok too. I do think, though, that it is important to be able to communicate openly and clearly about sex whether or not genital-to-genital contact is part of the relationship. Some people are really generous lovers until they get married. Just having sex doesn’t tell you all you need to know.

For me, there’s another angle (as usual). One the many things I wish I could teach my former self is to explore enough alone sexually that I would never have to feel dependent sexually on having someone else around. If you don’t perceive that you need anyone else to fulfill that longing, you gain a huge amount of power over your own life.

That doesn’t by any means imply that I don’t thoroughly love beautiful sex with another person. In fact, I think it’s one of the best things there is in life. I just think I would have been much more discriminating — and therefore chosen partners better in general — if I had been more focused on analyzing the actual relationship than I was on feeling swept up by the romance of attraction.

srfrgrl
srfrgrl
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I shit you not, my mom said this…

“Don’t save yourself for marriage, don’t marry the first person you sleep with, and don’t marry someone who doesn’t satisfy you sexually. If the sex is bad, the marriage will suffer.”

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

I’m with all of the above comments, especially with srfrgrl’s mom!!!!
I gave it up wayyyyy too quickly in my youth and with exh2 trying to bond form a relationship with sex.
I wouldn’t stay abstinent until marriage this time around, but I wouldn’t jump in sexually right quick either.
If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t be so quick to get involved sexually. Ever.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

Sfrgrl,
Your mom was a smart woman.

When my daughter’s became teenagers, My late husband and I talked and decided I should talk to each of them, when the time came and tell them, “if you think you will become sexually active, come to me , get birth control. Sex can be beautiful, but with it comes responsibility. My Advice as they grew into young women, Just because you have a uterus, doesn’t mean you have to have children, wait, make sure you are more than ready, because once you have children, it’s not just about you any more!!
I didn’t in any way encourage them to become sexually active, but wasn’t of the mind set like my mom was, save yourself for marriage/my mom did that and ended up with an alcoholic abusive husband. I knew that mind set had long ago changed .

With my son, I started telling him at a young age, treat every girl/woman, just like you would want someone to treat me or your sisters-with respect! My late husband pulled him aside at 16 and gave him the “no glove, no love” talk.

I thank god, when I remarried after being widowed at 40, that I deliberately made sure I didn’t have children with Stbx Narc freak!!

Idle hands
Idle hands
6 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

+1. Smart mom!!

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

She passed that along to Robert Downey juniors character in ally Mcbeal. He said soemthing like that to ally.

NewToChumpdom
NewToChumpdom
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Absolutely. Sex isn’t the issue—character is. I think taking is slow is preferable to abstinence because you need to know if you’re sexually compatible. Taking it off the table is a can of worms. However, if you rush into it too quickly, that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms. The slow, gradual approach allows both parties to earn respect, trust, and see each other’s boundaries. I think the fuckwits take the fast approach because it’s one of the biggest boundaries you can push on someone, whether male or female. Then they figure, “If I pushed this boundary and ‘won,’ what else can I push and ‘win?’ ”

I won’t be dating for awhile, but when I do, it’ll be the gradual approach. If anyone dislikes it, well then that’s their loss.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  NewToChumpdom

Newtochumpdom,

I, too, can’t even think about dating!! I need to make sure my “head” is firmly attached to my shoulders, clean of Narc BS first!

My philosophy now is they would have to pass a CIA, FBI, DOJ background check. God himself would have to hand deliver him to my doorstep!!! Then maybe, just maybe, would consider opening my door!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  NewToChumpdom

Yes, narcs blow by your boundaries to establish dominance plus all those bonding hormones create instant intimacy and make it practically impossible to see all those red flags.

Both cheaters lovebombed and pressured for sex immediately. Once I compromised on that principle, I entered marriages that continued to erode and nearly erase my self-respect.

Going slow sounds reasonable, but few actually go slow when they’re young and even just a year can feel like a lifetime.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL,
Yes to all!!

Many women in “June Cleaver“ days, did the abstinence before marriage -ending up with sexual freaks.

pulmafool
pulmafool
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I could not agree more. Abstinence in and of itself is no virture and can lull you into a false sense of security. Instead, self-respect and healthy boundaries are key. No need to rush into sex, but taking it off the table is a can of worms.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  pulmafool

“Abstinence in and of itself is no virture and can lull you into a false sense of security”

THIS BY THOUSANDS!!

Ask me how I know…………now departed cheater didn’t pressure me for sex when we were dating & told me after we were engaged that he would have proposed even if we wouldn’t have had sex. I didn’t know then that was a HUGE red flag in a marching band of red flags (he wasn’t religious) I thought he was being kind/loyal/sweet……………….I was grossly mislead.

Turns out he didn’t need me for sex since he already had a full blown porn & hooker addiction on the down-low that I knew nothing about for almost 17 years

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

I can’t say for sure if abstinence would have saved me from Dancing Dick. He was patient and clever. I broke up with him a few times before I actually married him because he was “stingy”- with time, money, support, kindness. I wish I would have stayed broken up with him! He had his narcissist shit hooks in me…….so as hard as I tried…I couldn’t break free of him.

sarafranchesca
sarafranchesca
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I was abstinent until marriage, and I ended up with a sex-crazed, misogynist, cheater, baby-man. I’m with Tracy on this one. I have 5 beautiful babies and I wouldn’t trade anything to go back, but I will be telling my children that honesty and kindness are the two most important things, and not to put their dreams on hold for anything or anyone.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
6 years ago
Reply to  sarafranchesca

Yes, anyone without goals and dreams who expects you to give yours up instead of supporting you is not good partner material!

Why did I think it was me demonstrating my love to give up my dreams, when I should have been receiving support as a demonstration of his love?

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  sarafranchesca

True. My mother abstained until marriage, but her unsatisfied urges led her to jump into marriage after 7 months of dating my narcissistic, abusive father.

Take the car for a test drive.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“Take the car for a test drive”

+100 on this one Tempest

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I did abstinence before marriage and married a full blown psychopath.
(Not sure it had anything to do with abstinence, however, he would have discarded me BEFORE we got married if we had slept together. Anyhow, I blame my picker)

AC
AC
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I went the opposite way. One of the reasons I married the loser was that the sex was good. What a mistake that was.

Hormones switch on. Brain switches off.

I was so caught up in good sex that I ignored his other faults: “Forgets” his wallet when we go out to dinner. Nice to my grandma but rude to me. Borrows money from me, and when I ask for it back says he’ll credit it towards my half of his apartment rent (BEFORE I moved in with him). Gets a cat but leaves the litter box cleanup to me. Doesn’t know how to fold laundry, much less put it away. Uses every pot in the kitchen and leave them dirty. (“I cooked, it’s only fair that you clean.”) Never cleans the bathroom, particularly the mess he leaves on the outside of the toilet and on the floor. Gets drunk regularly. Chain smokes inside the apartment. “Too busy at work” to help when we move to a new apartment. Tells me I’m too stupid about cars to change the oil myself. His idea of a vacation is to get drunk every night then stay in bed until the next afternoon; reads me the riot act when I try to get him up at 9 am for a tour.

But the sex was good. Hormones switch on. Brain switches off.

Former chump x 2
Former chump x 2
6 years ago
Reply to  AC

Sometimes I think the sex is great BECAUSE on some level we know they are not healthy for us.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Yes. I would tell my younger self exactly this.

Do not be pressured. There is no hurry. You have your whole lifetime to have sex (which is probably pretty amazing with RIGHT person who loves and respects you). Sex bonded me to such cheating losers.

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago

“but mostly I geared towards misfits and the ones who picked me”

Well put. I think a lot of us were excited we were picked…. forgetting our power that it is US who selects.

I keep this in mind now. I’m not dating, probably never, yet I remind myself that I do the choosing, and to let go of the (blinding) excitement of their picking us– their next target.

Former chump x 2
Former chump x 2
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

What’s interesting is that I was never ‘picked’ by the cheater’s. I moved towards THEM, even when though I’ve often had my choice in men. Yup…..!!

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

Agreed!

BVC
BVC
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

I did not forget I could choose. I was made to believe I was so impossible, conflictive, difficult and in general, unlovable, that nobody will want me. So it was not about forgetting, it was that in the whole world he was the only one who seemed to be interested on me. Even now things look like that: I’ve been 8 months out and nobody has even glanced in my direction. And he was better than cheater dad, so it seemed safe enough.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  BVC

I was made to believe I was so impossible, conflictive, difficult and in general, unlovable, that nobody will want me

This was what 20 years with cheater ex had reduced me to…………….Only add in old and unattractive-
and I’m only in my forties!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  BVC

Don’t worry about anyone “glancing in your direction.” Work on loving yourself. Focus on building a wonderful life. Focus on making yourself happy and healthy. Focus on finding things to contribute to your community. When you are on the right path and working on your own life, you will find others like you on the same road.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I dont think I would have listened to myself. My best friend told me that he said that he really wanted a “slut”. I didnt believe it but it was the truth. He has one now and is happy. Everyone that I was attracted to didnt seem to reciprocate so I was blinded by someone (that I was attracted to) finally saying they loved me. I was willing to do anything to make it last. I knew that he wasnt perfect but I didnt think he was as bad as he was. I knew he lied but I didnt think he’d lie to me… I dont think it had anything to do with sex but that he lacked character. Even now, 4 yrs out, I dont see anyone glancing my way. Since Im 54, I dont really expect it but it would be nice. Im doing just fine on my own raising my 11 yr old but its sometimes lonely. I think Ive rebuilt my life but I dont see anyone even close to being on the same road as me in this small town

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Loved and Lost,
I hear ya. I’m your age with kids the age of your kids. I live in a large metropolitan area–but like you, I don’t see anyone even close to being on the same road as me.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

ya people ask me sometimes if I’ve dated. Like I have a choice. Maybe I would if someone asked but I’m not desperate either. Im not chasing it. I did try “our Time” matching website but I didnt connect with anyone. Those in my area were either older & looking for a nursemaid or someone younger, retired & $ to travel. I am a relatively busy teacher, runner and 1/2 time custodial Mom. In my free time I enjoy spending time with family & friends who are in the same boat as me but they have families too so our free time doesnt always coincide. All in all its fine – I like my life & I am grateful for it. I dont really want another marriage but Id like s/o to share a romance with. Given some of the stories here, I feel it would be greedy to ask for more than what I have been so lucky to have.

Mom9193
Mom9193
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

^^^^^Need a LIKE button!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

Yeah, me, too. That’s profound, bouncing back.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

….and soooo many more.

Hoping that my kids learn from my mistakes rather than making all of the same ones for themselves. Except that I know the best teacher is your own stupid choices, and they’ll definitely make some of their own. Still, I’m glad they have my marriage to their dad as a reminder of how important it is to 1) choose a spouse carefully, and 2) slap away all the shit sandwiches they’re offered.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

THIS-
Hoping that my kids learn from my mistakes rather than making all of the same ones for themselves. Except that I know the best teacher is your own stupid choices, and they’ll definitely make some of their own. Still, I’m glad they have my marriage to their dad as a reminder of how important it is to 1) choose a spouse carefully, and 2) slap away all the shit sandwiches they’re offered

My young son has already told me that he doesn’t want to be married. He said if he wanted kids, he could adopt. Other than that, he will have a dog.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

Vulcan, it’s not worth it to wait for some guy to “come around” to loving you. The right one will recognize what he has with you.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Listen to you gut. It is never wrong. Let it guide you to adventure or out of potential hell.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

This, ANC. Yes!

I was spackling against my own gut long before I walked down the aisle. I really do think our guts know — if we’ll just listen to them.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

I can remember coming down from the choir loft and walking along the back of the church just before that “walk down the aisle”. I remember thinking…what if this isn’t the right thing? We had been dating for almost 6 years at that point. I told myself I was just nervous and it was normal as this was a big commitment.

I would tell my younger self to listen more closely to those gut feelings and definitely give them more credibility.

Susannah
Susannah
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

When I was dating a really sucky guy, my daughter and I would go out at night to wish upon a star. It was her thing and an important moment for us. I would always wish to marry the really sucky guy. A voice would always come back to me: “Are you sure?” Within a few weeks, he proved himself to be really horrible, and I dumped him with prejudice. But I remember that voice asking if I was sure, because it was so unusual compared to the normal wishing on a star moments.

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Yes to this. I would have told myself to really listen and believe what XH said and not ignore comments that I now realize we’re telling me he wouldn’t be faithful. I was a master spackler and ignored my gut feelings. But they often showed up in my dreams and I ignored those dreams too. I would tell myself now to stop and really listen, observe and think before I leap.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago

My kids are in college so I actually think about this a lot as I advise them.

Date different people and don’t try to get on with the rest of your life in such a big hurry. Get to know how you like different personalities and different people. I was so eager to start the life and family I had missed that I ignored red flags from the get go.

If you have experienced physical or emotional or sexual trauma, get help whether you think you need it or not. The past has a way of punching you in the face 30 years down the road. There’s no weakness in getting help. Dealing with it alone is not a sign of strength – dealing with it completely and honestly is.

Be yourself always. Don’t try to be someone you think you need to be. Others care about you less than you think, they’re as self obsessed as you. Since you have to live with yourself and your decisions, always be true to who you are. Practicing mindfulness will help with this.

Always listen to your gut. It will never let you down. If something seems off, if you leave an interaction with someone feeling a little off kilter, if actions and words don’t match up – this is a good time to practice the mindfulness and listen to your body.

If you fall for someone who you see lying to others yet treats you like a dream, please be aware that you are not special. He or she will lie to you too. This is really hard to accept as true, and it may take years, but you will be lied to as well.

When someone doesn’t respect his family but pretends to, this is a huge red flag. You will be made to feel that you’re the only one he/she respects but it probably isn’t true.

Don’t pose nude.

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Some good advice about posing nude is to never ever show your head, just your body. Then if they are ever leaked, you can say “not me”.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Too bad for Mr. Weiner. 😉 (Snark!)

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

hollowbunny’s statement: “If you fall for someone who you see lying to others yet treats you like a dream, please be aware that you are not special. He or she will lie to you too. This is really hard to accept as true, and it may take years, but you will be lied to as well.”

THIS ^^^ times infinity!

I’ve watched my cheater effortlessly lie to other people for years. I was a complete fool to have thought I was not a recipient/victim of his deception. His innoculous white lies and his life shattering huge ones are doled out in the exact same manner (completely devoid of remorse and always justifiable, at least in his demented mind).

His lack of integrity and ability to manipulate others for self gain was apparent from the onset. As the years progressed, he basked in the glory of using my squeaky clean goody-goody reputation as an elementary school teacher to cover his sleazy con artist tracks (until he found a new cast member for our lives who he feels elevates his status better being that she’s decades younger and “hot” enough to get him more “likes” on Facebook from fellow superficial narcs). I should have exited stage left early on rather than becoming a lead character in his award winning impression management performance piece only to be ultimately written out of the script abruptly after season 25.

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

You just document my marriage as well, and. Was also a squeaky clean teacher too, stay strong and powerful

wildcat
wildcat
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Still I Rise,

My cheater was also an expert liar (to all) in addition to an explosive temper in the early days. I should have known that at some point that would be directed toward me.

In some ways he has mellowed, but in other ways he has gotten worse as we’ve gotten older. I think as our business got more successful, the power of his position just fueled the sense of entitlement and arrogance. Deep down he knows he would not have been nearly as successful without me – but will never admit it. He used me for my integrity and business intelligence, as well as the wife/mom appliance for 20 years. He is such a loser and I will never make that mistake again.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  wildcat

I wish that I had realized that if my boyfriend had lied to and manipulated people (partners) years ago but still appeared like Mr. Good Guy to virtually everyone, had been chumped by his wife, and had gone through many years of weekly psychotherapy that his spots might NOT have changed for the better (as in a leopard never changes its stripes).

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Great stuff all, @hollowbunny. But are you sure about the last one? Seems a little drastic, unless the posing was done with promises of confidentiality that were violated. I think Grudgy and Judgy would agree.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Personally I think that last is good advice. I am not a prude, but I would think that posing nude could lead to all kinds of potential for someone to do you harm with those photos later on down the road. I supposed some people really couldn’t be harmed by them, but many people have been harmed by such things in the past. It’s just another opportunity for someone to betray your trust and violate your privacy.

Sicatrose
Sicatrose
6 years ago

I have to agree with no nude posing. I learned this lesson when I was in middle school, long before the days of the internet. A teenage couple in my neighborhood broke up and he retaliated by making up flyers with explicit photos of her, along with her name, phone number and a list of “services” she performed. He posted these on telephone poles all over the neighborhood.
I don’t think I had even kissed a boy yet at that point, but I knew that day that posing nude would never be in my future.

Portia
Portia
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

The problem with posing nude is not Grudgy and Judgy. If you are posing for actual art classes, or some type of professional fashion/beauty/advertising professionals, you know — up front — that other people will see the pictures/portraits of you nude. Personal pictures? NO GUARANTY. It could even be accidental exposure (someone comes across the pictures that was not the intended viewer. Sexual pictures? Seriously — what is the easiest way to hurt you and embarrass you when something goes wrong? There they are. I personally knew a mother of 3 girls who was not exactly a beauty queen anyway, but allowed her “lover” to take nude sexual shots of her. He told her “so I can see you when we’re not together,” and “to remember when we are old.” Guess what? On the internet, porn sites, and eventually copies of the pictures got back to her 3 teenage girls. She was humiliated. She lost any authority she had had telling her girls what to do and what not to do. She asked for advice prior to posing — and then did it anyway. She thought it would “spice things up”. It really did. Like a whole bottle of tabasco sauce in the soup will spice it up. If the poser and picture taker are underage, they can be convicted of sex crimes and have a permanent record.
Not a good idea. Ever.
When you are in love and promises are made of confidentiality — you may be sincere. We all have learned the hard way that any promises made by our dysfunctional ex’s were never sincere, and were always self serving.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

No posing nude. Or topless. In an internet age, it can always come back to haunt you. As a teacher, I even worried about photoshopping when I was a bit younger. Now, not so much. But I always figured I could count on the truth if I never cross the nude posing line.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

The last one luckily doesn’t come from experience. Ever since my kids were 11 or so, when I would leave the house, Id say “If I get hit by a truck, erase my browser history, always use condoms and never pose nude.” It was the hollowbunny I love you goodbye.

Im glad to say that using condoms has really stuck with them, and they always thank me for talking to them about uncomfortable things. Im an artist, so Ive been around my share of posing nude, btw, back in the day when grudgy and judgy still faced the sun, so to speak.

So ‘don’t pose nude’ has always been my closer – it does have implications for women today though, much more than when I was younger and it meant actually posing for photos for money and your male relatives happening upon you in your glory in a magazine.

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Revenge porn is a criminal offence in the UK regardless of age of subject.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-33819264

Is it not in USA?

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

It is in Texas (one of the few Tx laws that is reasonable).

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
What is the Texas law?

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia I absolutely agree, posing nude for anybody is just plain stupid. Artist being the exception. What is with people nowadays? I it’s not enough to have wonderful sex you have to document it? Where will the pics be kept on your phone on his ? It just a disaster waiting to happen. If he or she needs a photo to remind them of the great sex they had it a huge red flag !

Rose
Rose
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I found video of my ex jerking off that he sent his schmoopie on his old phone. (eyeroll)

Gotta say it’s been pretty tempting to do something with it over the past few years, but I haven’t.

If you just don’t take the photo or the video in the first place, no one can steal it or find it and then use it against you.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Rose

Dancing Dick plastered his half limp dick…..all over the internet. I recognized it…. and my bathroom! He has dick pics floating around all over the web! Disgusting pig of a man!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago

Leaving the crap behind,
I found a pic of Stbx narc freak standing in front of bathroom mirror after taking one of his on-line purchased blue pills, with a shit eating smile plastered all over his face!
I’m sure he has plastered that shit all over the internet.
When I saw the pic on his phone, I looked at him and said” you are one twisted, fucking freak! Who does that shit! Only a man who has no confidence or self respect takes a picture of himself with erection after taking a blue pill purchased on line from someone’s garage in India or China “!
Stbx looked at me and said, “you just can’t ever forgive or let it go, that was a blunder I made”!

Wtf

Former chump x 2
Former chump x 2
6 years ago
Reply to  Rose

The whole point of taking selfie nudes in relationships is to take that risk. Life, and especially romantic relationships are full of risk. We can’t change this. It just so happens that they sucked as partner’s. Do we never go in a car because many more people die in road accidents than they ever did on a plane? No. Take the risk, you can’t avoid life, but it can be wise to be more cautions about when and how and who you take that risk with…

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago

I don’t need electronics for love and sex! Flesh and blood …..is all I need. Anyone who tries to incorporate electronics into our love life- gets the boot.

BVC
BVC
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I guess the last one depends on how much do you care about those things. I wrote many letters to cheater and sometimes I care more about them being read by somebody else than if the whole internet saw the photos he took of me many years ago. I am a sexual being. I loved that man. If he published the photos or letters, the shame is his to bear, and the good people (who not include my FOO) will know it and recognize it. However, I work in an area not particularly conservative, so if they were to find my photos it wouldn’t matter, and if it did, I don’t want to work there.

Tracy
Tracy
6 years ago

Tracy,
You know that photo of you in the backyard in that white bikini dancing with your 3 year old niece…. Enjoy that. Quit hating your body. Quit thinking you have big thighs. Look at those curves!!! Trust me…in the future there are women who get butt implants….
I know…right?!
Oh….and you have found your calling. You are and will become an amazing hairstylist. Don’t give up your dream. Not for anyone.
Seek to provide for yourself. There is no Prince charming….and beware for any that come riding along…it’s not a noble steed..it’s a horses ass they are riding on….
Even if it’s disguised as a BMW.
Walk away…
RUN….
Oh wait…then you wouldn’t have your beautiful daughter.

Younger Tracy….you can’t go back and warn yourself.
All I can say is buckle up sweetie…it’s gonna be one hell of a ride. And in the end…the mother fucker gets what he deserves and so do you!!! I love you. Stay strong. You’re a BADASS!!!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

I love this post!!!!

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

I haven’t seen that photo. Where is it?!

btw, in case you’re wondering if this is creepy, it isn’t. 🙂 I’m a lady Chump who just wants to celebrate CL’s beauty — inner and outer! 😀

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

The poster’s name is Tracy and she’s referring to herself, not CL Tracy.

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
6 years ago

Stop being so damn insecure!! You are smart, funny and worthy!! Just because a man likes you, it does not make you better.

blee
blee
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

Slightly off topic here.

Today is Australia Day – a public holiday celebrating the first English landing in OZ.
Lots of BBQ’s and free flowing alcohol.
I’m sitting under my patio having a ciggy, listening to the drunk neighbour verbally abusing / arguing with his female partner and he is well and truly putting her down, highlighting her faults and generally make her night a misery.

WTF – this guy needs a swift kick in the gonads. He should be grateful that she chose to spend her time with him instead of someone else.
It is sad that these types of people’s “picker” is so way out of whack. It would save an awful lot of heartache if we recognized and stood up for our boundaries and values a lot earlier on.

Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
6 years ago
Reply to  blee

Send her a copy of LACGAL anonymously… Put a post-it on the front cover say it covers boundaries as well as cheating…

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago

I once shopped in a pet store run by an older couple. The man was so polite to his customers but constantly berated his sweet, gentle wife as she did her best serving customers. I don’t mean he was a little sharp it was total verbal abuse. He called her slow, fat and stupid etc and didn’t even try to lower his voice as he insulted her.

The first time it happened I left the shop upset and in shock but hoped was a “one off” and that maybe they’d had a bad row (course still no excuse). The next time I went into the shop he was exactly the same. She was trying to advise me on suitable products when he interrupted telling her how useless she was. I couldn’t take it a second longer, and exploded into a complete rant about why he was the nastiest, most unpleasant, rude and obnoxious man I had ever met, and that it was a miracle his lovely wife was still with him. As I turned to leave all the other customers applauded and cheered. It was quite funny. I never went back to the shop again but noticed shortly after it was up for sale. I hope she found the courage to leave him. Bless her heart.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

GOOD FOR YOU! I once was in a similar situation and I said to the abuser “Excuse me, grownups are talking, wait your turn.” Got a few laughs. Still, yours is much better, and faced with it again, I would copy you. Way to stand up!

Patman
Patman
6 years ago

Not finishing up my music degree.

indychump
indychump
6 years ago

Coming from a dysfunctional family (raging alcoholic father, codependent enabler mother; and violent older siblings) I would tell my young self to find a great mental health counselor before jumping into any relationship.

I spent my whole childhood hiding from the chaos. Isolated. I had zero close friends because there was no way I could let any peers see the shitstorm of my family life.

But ultimately, I’m a great mom, with two amazing and well adjusted, strong, and happy children. It could have been worse. So I choose to be grateful.

Is this Tuesday?

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  indychump

Indy I can so relate to hiding from the chaos of an unhappy childhood, and keeping friends at a distance for fear of them seeing the truth behind the facade of a middle class, successful home. I escaped at 16 years old ill-prepared for the real world but like you a survivor. Great that you broke the cycle and went on to have happy, well adjusted children.

Happy Tuesday/Friday ????

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

I’m with Tracy. As much as my ordeal has ground me into the dust at times, I’m not I would have changed very much. I followed the example my own parents set for me, waited a good long time (married at 36), did a lot of things on my ever-evolving bucket list, and dated a lot of women along the way. I thought I’d learned enough about myself and others that the likelihood of falling into the trap of a toxic relationship would be pretty low.

We all know how that turned out — but even so, an extraordinarily important lesson learned better late than never. I also proved to myself that I CAN go “all in” on a relationship, take the risk of making myself vulnerable to another, and still not compromise on what I know to be good and true and honest.

If I was to re-do anything, it would be, in matters of the heart, to put less emphasis on working things out in my mind analytically, and pay more attention to the gut level reactions that were indicating trouble. But that too is part of growing, especially I think for men.

Tall One
Tall One
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Agree to this thinking UX.

My gut told me the truth long ago.
I tried to analyze the situation. I tried to work harder and provide more. I did the male-brain thing.

My gut told the truth but I kept on dancing…

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Im pretty much with you UX…as much as I rail against this experience (and how I responded to it) here, in reality, it was my journey for so many reasons and to wish it away would wipe my children off the face of the earth and I simply cannot do that.

I wasnt a bad gal when I was young, but I had shallowness and selfishness common in youth and my hardships burned off the dross of my personality in the crucible of hardship and left behind a purer, kinder, deeper person.

Perhaps the change I might have made is to have considered myself more in the big picture when the cheating and abuse were the worst…at the time I thought ONLY of kids, marriage intactness, & his reactions to things, I put my concerns so low that they didnt exist…that was a mistake.

Even though I never pulled the trigger on my marriage with nowdeadcheater, I had made plans and saved money for when a split was imperative…I was ready to take my daughter to a safe place and start over. Again as much as I deride myself / wished that things had been different, it was probs best for my kids that we were all together when their father died. I probs did the best anyone could have done in the circumstances I lived.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago

Also, NMSB, you DO NOT have to work yourself to the bone trying to “earn” love, it either is or is not love. PERIOD!

blee
blee
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Mark Manson says it succinctly. It’s worth a read – brutal but very honest..

https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  blee

Thanks blee !

No to wishy-washy people.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  blee

Thank you for this. I just read it and it’s brilliant! (Sometimes, though, I wish people would write PG versions I could share with those who need the message but won’t read or share something they consider vulgar.)

Blee
Blee
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yep – Mark Manson doesn’t pull any punches. If you can get past his “p’s and q’s”, his message is very clear.
He has an interesting take on life,with very strong boundaries and his sense of self worth, which sometimes comes across as arrogant and self serving, yet he knows what he wants in a relationship and doesn’t settle for anything less.

It’s a fine balance that can be learned and applied to (chump) life.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Liked his article, very interesting read!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

I may be weird but when I was young I knew EXACTLY what I wanted so I studied hard to make that happen. I ended up working in Switzerland at 21 and loved it. Had a lovely boyfriend who was a bit staid but otherwise nice. Then I met the Twat and it was so nice to speak English for a change and to be with someone who I thought was fun. Yes he was – to begin with – but many year later I realized he was mentally deranged. I would say to a younger person (man or woman) to live on your own before setting up home with someone (I did) and make sure you earn your own money. Probably in retrospect I should NEVER have mixed my finances with the Twat but we were young and it seemed weird to me at the time to do otherwise. In reality (and this probably applies only to me) I would say you don’t need to be married to have kids. Be with a wonderful man – great. He can be the father of your kids and be a wonderful dad – great. You can love him for the man he is but if I had any advice for a younger me it would be don’t get married. EVER. Maybe I’m jaded but I don’t need a man financially or otherwise and can love a man for who he is without needing to be married to him. Wish someone had told me that when I was young.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

In a lot of places, not marrying solves nothing. In my neighbouring province, you are common-law after 2 years of cohabitation, or 1 year + baby, with most of the same rights (alimony, property, assets, pensions, inheritance) as a couple who legally tied the knot. And emotionally, to those who DO bond, not being married makes no difference, over time.

I think it’s more useful that every adult be capable of supporting themselves and, if necessary, their kids. Never stay out of the job market so long or so completely that it will be very hard to get back in. Even if it’s part-time or volunteering, keep a toe in; you truly never know when you’ll need it. Never let your partner be the only one managing the money. Never agree to any level of debt that makes you uncomfortable. Never follow your spouse’s job around, if there aren’t also opportunities for you. We all need ‘fuck you money’, or to at least feel we have the right to walk away, and the ability to do so.

TodoVa
TodoVa
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Attie – I’m with you. I always knew what I wanted and went straight for it. Education beyond high school (not very common in my culture), be financially stable before settling down, travel the world, date and party (responsibly!), etc. I really wouldn’t change one thing because out of my experience and surviving the exh’s cheating, came my lovely daughters.

One thing though that I would tell my younger adult self is to pay more attention to people’s words, i.e., my exh’s. One comment that he always made, in variations of different conversations (throughout our 20 yr marriage) was that he always thought he would be a bachelor, party ‘till the sun came up”, drink like a fish, etc., and live in a bachelor pad in the city center/downtown. After the nightmare I survived I realized that he probably never wanted marriage, children, a family life.

So guess what he did as soon as I kicked him out??? Yes, yes, yes, and yes! The apartment, the partying, drinking, and some I won’t wven get into. Until (a whole two years after our divorce) he found his truw wuv (not the AP I caught him with). Since then, he has remarried and no, no, no, and no. Doesn’t have his bachelor pad, doesn’t drink or party and worse yet, can’t even talk to his children on the phone without his new wife stuck next to him like a piece of gum under his shoe. The guy can’t even breathe without asking for permission.

So in retrospect, suffice it to say to believe them when they say shit like that because in the end, they might already be doing it.

LuckyChump
LuckyChump
6 years ago

If I didn’t have kids, I’d take a do over in a heartbeat. I’d date more and stay in college.
But, I do have kids and would NOT do anything that might prevent them from being in my world.
I hope I’m a better person for what I’ve been through in my life. Don’t know who said it but, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” fits nicely into this life.

Have a great 2018 CN !!!!

Kingofpain
Kingofpain
6 years ago
Reply to  LuckyChump

This was the absolute worst year of my life. That said. I wouldn’t change a fuckin thing! I love my 11 year old daughter and going through hell was worth her. She is very emotionally mature , the exact opposite of her emotionally retarded mother

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  LuckyChump

LuckyChump, I was thinking the same — I love my kids and wouldn’t want to prevent them from being in my world. They are who they are as a result of the choices I made to be with their father when I was young and naive. But then I thought hmmmm, what if instead I had kids with a man who wasn’t a disordered predator? A man who knew how to love me and our kids normally instead of as sources of narcissistic supply? That could be a pretty sweet for my kids as well as for myself! I wouldn’t wish my kids away, but if I had it to do over, I would definitely give them an upgrade in their genetic program and family functionality.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Metamorphisis, ^^^ I think the same thing.

Susannah
Susannah
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

I have toddlers with my new husband (who is amazing in every way). Seeing how different they are as babies, compared to how my older kids were as babies (when I was married to an abuser/struggling single mom in college). It’s especially striking in pictures: the older three look wary, there aren’t very many pictures of them smiling as babies. The two babies we have now are giggly all the time. It hurts to see how different it could have been.

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Very good point, dna upgrade

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

Listen to your gut. Thinking he’s proclaiming he is in love with you WAY too soon? You’re right. Run. Thinking something’s off because he wants to spend the majority of his time alone, including your honeymoon? You’re right. Get out of there. So what if you just married him. Get it annulled. He engages in road rage with total strangers just because they passed him? Save yourself, Sweetie!!! He never buys you gifts? It won’t get better. Ever. So leave him now.

I had these warning thoughts, along with many, many others. I tuned them out because I was in love. I so wish I had listened to my inner voice then. I am listening now!

Little red riding hood
Little red riding hood
6 years ago

To my young self,
You are so worth it, know it, in your mind and heart. Do not have a man validate your worth.
Always listen to what comes after the but…
“You’re so beautiful BUT maybe you want to fix that crooked tooth.
“You’re thin BUT you still have tone up and go to a gym.
This is a person that is mindfucking you RUN.
Love bombing is not normal..period ..end of story.
Normal people dont push boundries.
Always listen to your gut, never ignore red flags.
You are stronger then you know, a true badass , dont dim your light for anyone to shine brighter because they dont shine on their own.
Dont be a fixer.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago

Absolutely! But I think normal people do sometimes push boundaries, accidentally, or cluelessly, or immaturely…. What’s different is what happens when we affirm the boundary they’ve pushed. Normal people will feel bad about having over-stepped. They will leap back to the ‘right’ side of the boundary, and they will be far more careful about that boundary in future.

What they won’t do is ignore, pressure, gaslight, manipulate, rage, flatter, sulk, guilt, sad-sausage or any of the other mind-fuckery, in order to get around your boundary. And they won’t look respectful, then come back to push that same boundary again and again.

Wish I’d had this clear in my head….

MMargaret
MMargaret
6 years ago

If I could go back in time: I was a young woman so deeply in love with a man who first promised he loved me and treated me in the most loving, understanding way and I fell for it because he never let me down. He wasn’t a flashy lover. He was sincere. No more than a couple of months after hinting at an engagement, he casually cut me to pieces over the ways he deemed I failed as a woman and girlfriend and he left, saying he wanted to be free. The next time I saw him, he met with me to talk, which turned out to be an ultimatum over a guy I was seeing. I saw red and chose the other guy! If I could go back in time I’d consider that my first exercise in being MIGHTY, not the humiliating sign of a woman who can’t get man. Ultimately, it was good practise 🙂

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

I think part of the irony of this question is, to get to an okay emotional place, you have to reconcile and made peace with the choices you’ve made (no more self-blame). For me, it was the very act of evaluating that made me realize the stupid choices I made are partly what made me who I am. In other words, I stopped beating myself up for being imperfect, and realized I made a choice to let those seemingly bad decisions make me a better person – I walked away with a lesson.

I definitely went through a long period after d-day wishing I’d never met fuckwit, or wondering why I didn’t see the initial red flags, but without those things, I wouldn’t have the knowledge I do now. I guess ultimately this experience made me realize I was not the horrible person my STBX claimed I was, and I do not need to be perfect to realize I am worthy of love and respect. I guess the lesson I’ve learned through all of this, and what I wish my younger self knew is … don’t put all your eggs in one basket, but also let go of worrying about every egg, sometimes things break. I could do everything right, and still end up with broken eggs, because there are some things you just can’t control. Stop trying to be responsible for things that belong to other people.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago

I wouldn’t change a thing, except that I wouldn’t ever have sex with anyone, EVER.

Sweetz
Sweetz
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Ditto.

Sweetz
Sweetz
6 years ago

“You’ll never find what you are looking for just because you’ve got/had a man in your life…that only serves to impede you from examining your own inner issues and developing your own unique strengths. Take the time to figure out what was driving YOU into complicated unhealthy relationships, and start utilizing the power, wisdom and guidance of God instead. You are much better off and happier being uncoupled…and deep down inside you KNOW it. But yes…go ahead and get yourself a puppy.”

David2016
David2016
6 years ago

Hey, you–yeah, you: the guy who is totally transfixed by this beautiful woman and her oddly childlike personality. Yeah, it’s sexy and bewitching and she seems to be crazy about you, but it’s just the idealization phase. And get this: a normal person does not tell your brother the first time they meet that she loves him and that his brother’s semen tastes really good. That’s seriously fucked up and shows a total lack of boundaries. These are called “red flags.” Research Borderline Personality Disorder and run like hell. You will find someone else whom you are just as physically attracted to and who really loves you and will not eventually devalue you and destroy you. Sincerely, your future self.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Oh dear God, she’s disordered.

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

David2016,

If you can just roll back the date on your computer to January 26, 1998 and then email me your comment above, it’ll be a BIG help. It’s close enough in detail that I’m sure Old Me will assume it’s not a mistake. Old Me really needs that BPD research advice. Maybe add a line about trusting my gut about her really odd father – turns out it’s not just oddness. It’s sexual narcissism and he’s a predator. And her mother isn’t comparatively “normal”. Check her out under Adult Children of Alcoholics (where both parents were alcoholics). And quit being so “nice-guy understanding”. Okay I’ll stop there – but I won’t complain if you also mention investing in Amazon.

Thanks! This is exciting. I’m really looking forward to popping over into that alternate parallel reality once you send it. Maybe I got into tarpon fishing like I had always wanted to!

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago

“You must accept people and things as they are NOT how you WISH they were” !!

Heeding one phrase would have saved me untold grief.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Yes and don’t date someone because of their potential!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

THIS!

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

^^^ This bit of advice is a Top 5 criteria for sure!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Amen to that! I don’t know why this took me half a lifetime to figure out ????‍♀️

NotUrSupplySatan
NotUrSupplySatan
6 years ago

I thought I would have some regrets. Oddly, the one regret I THOUGHT I had is probably my one choice that made the field of play even. In 2011 I took back my cheating ass narc-O-pot-O-mus on the guise of working it out. For 6 years I worked hard at forgiveness, transparency and open communication. I finally got to a place of not forgetting but complete forgiveness. I fully trusted him again. Just when I thought I had nothing to worry about I began seeing signs of his pulling away early 2017. I began investigating and asking all the therapy counseled questions to probe him into dialog. I tried my damndest. I decided to trust the process we went through in therapy. I wrote letters to him, I gave him affirmations, I stroked his ego, I poured into him, I prayed for him and with him, I even confronted him once. All the while he was cheating on me… I did all the right things. I did my part, he just allowed the relationship and the bond to die on his end. In the beginning of D-day I did regret letting him come back home in 2011 just to have him repeat his behavior (but in the most hurtful of ways in discard this time in the highest of escalation); but now, 4 months after….. and after much counseling with my church and my independent therapist, friends and Chump Nation; MY PAST has shown me that I TRIED, I FOUGHT, I DUG IN MY HEELS, I DID NOT GIVE UP. So for that sole fact, I don’t have any regrets because I can say I gave all I had in me. He can’t say that. For that, I feel sorry for him. Still don’t want him. She can have him. I am moving on with a smile on my face, my head held high and my dignity intact.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Not Ur Supply Satan,

I admire your stamina in pumping up your undeserving ex!

You said, ‘Still don’t want him. She can have him. I am moving on with a smile on my face, my head held high and my dignity intact.’ God, I wish that I could claim the same! I still want my ex-boyfriend (don’t want my ex-husband), I wish that my ex-boyfriend hadn’t thrown me over for my replacement(s?), I wish that I had a smile on my face (instead of a face even more wrinkled than usual in pain, and dignity long gone.’ How did you get to the point of feeling and being all those wonderful things. I imagine after much groveling for undeserving boyfriend that I look needy, pathetic, and even more undesirable than he viewed me after he decided over two years ago that I was not going to be a ‘going concern’ and instead was going to be a gap-filling toy until he found what he really wanted and respected.

Stillhere
Stillhere
6 years ago

OMG…. I’m two years in and trying to make it work with my husband of 33 years at the time/ now 35. Swears there was no affair. I’ve been trying not to throw it all away.

3 weeks ago we pick out what we want to build when he’s done with his job in two years. I have no reason to think anything is still continuing. He doesn’t work with her. He’s at the same job everyday. All money is accounted for.

Sunday night I randomly check the no affair woman’s FB page. She has shared a house that sold. Doesn’t say where and writes nothing.

Although it’s not the same photo of the one picked…. it’s the exact same style including the garage and guest house on top. Very destinct! I’m thinking what honestly are the chances? Talk me off this cliff…

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Stillhere

I hope you have a post nup. If you don’t, ask for one and judge him by his response to that. Put your ducks in a row be self protective. Listen to your gut. It’s sucks but you won’t regret protecting yourself. I didn’t do it and it was my biggest regret..

Stillhere
Stillhere
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I don’t have one. How long were you married for?

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Omg still here, please listen to your gut. He is telling you who he is—please listen. I tried to reconcile ( for 4 years) . I didn’t get a post nup and that is when the ex took our entire life savings(( 500k) and blew it in his failing business. I lost my share of that money and much more since he also took many assets. All lost within the safety of the marriage so not claimable in the divorce. Please protect yourself now. Don’t be me.

Stillhere
Stillhere
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Oh geez… I’m so sorry. I really felt like I knew this man for 33 years.

He told me it was pride. I told him the only reason someone would hide that money to leave would be to leave with someone else. Period! He told me on our Anniversary. Trip that he couldn’t do that to our kids. I was like…. wtf about us? He also told me he had a new love for me! Wtf happened to the old love?

I am here to tell you that I would have been one of those woman who would have been completely clueless!! He was such an actor. We also own 2 homes free and clear and he would have left me wth those thinking he was justified. I am sure. I’m still not secure after his attempts of 2 years trying.

Newme
Newme
6 years ago
Reply to  Stillhere

Mine said the same thing about not doing that to our kids. Guess what he did….

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  Stillhere

These cheaters are so unoriginal and since they can’t see a viewpoint other than their own, they have to ‘steal’ ideas and imitation empathy like characteristics. Since YOU liked this house, then surely she will too. I really think this is why they take their schmoopies on the same vacations, say the same things and nicknames, and you feel like you have simply been ‘replaced’.

I would have to wonder if he has some magical timeline he has shared with her on when it will be acceptable to leave you and shack up with her. He’s throwing her bones of when it is. Retirement? This is when he won’t have to face work colleagues and his mask will drop and image will be destroyed?

You may not be ready for the discard, but when it comes, it comes absolute. Please have your ducks in a row. They will steal every penny and not look back and be fair. They have already rationalized why you are bad and she is good. They have rationalized why they deserve to take it and you deserve nothing. Please take care of yourself and your financial situation!! Secretly see an attorney and do NOT let that cheater know!!

Stillhere
Stillhere
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Okay. Going to be completely honest here…

I couldn’t have told my younger self anything different. I was sure We had a great thing until the shit hit the fam starting in Sept. of 2015. He spent 10 months swearing to me no affair after ridiculous circumstantial evidence. He groveled. Cried. Begged. When it looked really bad, I did tell him If I found it to be true- That I would take his ass for everything!

He continued to put on a great act for 10 months but something wasn’t sitting right with me. One month after our youngest graduated from high school I discovered he was hiding our entire savings. Oh, he had four thousand in there with forty thousand hid. I busted him, took the four thousand in the account and left.

Took an already promised trip with youngest( without him) and came home after that. He showed me all the money. Said that he was going to leave me but only by himself. I don’t believe it still. He took me on a 6 day Anniversary. Trip and we talked a lot but I still don’t believe him.

He won’t go back to counseling as promised before I came back and says he’s been honest. She’s pulled all kinds of shit with me on FB. He knows about most of it and has sobbed.

He doesn’t know about the house thing. Why wouldn’t he just leave now? Why act like he wants this? I know??… I should have left 2 years ago but I didn’t.

So here I sit waiting… She is still married too. That’s my biggest regret now. Not staying gone 2 years ago so I tried.

I mean what are honestly just the chances of it being a coincidence?

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago
Reply to  Stillhere

Kibbles is why. Who doesn’t want to have a wife appliance at home and a girlfriend who sends naughty texts?

There’s no cheese down this hole.
Stay incognito and document everything and hire a forensic accountant and run. It sounds like you have been marriage police for years? Are you enjoying life?

TodoVa
TodoVa
6 years ago
Reply to  Stillhere

There are no coincidences. Only the illusion of them.

I realized this when I was going through my hell. I found a lot of “coincidences” and upon further investigation, I came to realized they were nothing but trends. Time and time again…

kimmy
kimmy
6 years ago

Advice to myself then and now would be to make my needs/wants just as important (if not more so) than any partners needs/wants. Voice your opinions and it’s okay to disagree on issues, big or small. Don’t lose sight of yourself and don’t try to become what your partner wants you to be. Someone who loves you would NEVER want you to change because they wouldn’t want you to be anyone other than YOU!

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago

I’d do it all again ~ all of it ~ up to the point of when I married the X Asshole.

The warning signs were all there ~ I’d listen to them and by doing so, I would avoid walking around with this spear in my chest. LOL

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Warning signs were apparent in my case, too. I refused to acknowledge them until too late.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
6 years ago

I would have to go waaay back. I sadly have a long history of having a bad picker. There need to be classes on relationships in schools. That’s what I would change.
(The reasons I have a bad picker have become a skein I can’t/don’t want to untangle. I accept that it is and actively work towards changing.)

justintime
justintime
6 years ago

nomoreskankboy:
You DO NOT have to work yourself to the bone trying to “earn” love…

THIS!

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago

Do NOT get married so young, you’re JUST 20!

Yes, it’s flattering that he’s paying attention to you, but LOOK – his wife just died (short marriage, she had a blood disorder) and he’s just looking for someone to take care of him. Notice how the only dates are things HE wants to do??

Finish school, listen to your mom – you’re meant to be a teacher. DO IT! Live on your own for a while. Date a lot. Be intimate with a few more guys or you’ll end up being 60 and the ONLY partner you’ll have had your entire life will be someone who just wasn’t that into you and sex will have been *meh* your whole life.

Learn to be YOU now so you’re aware when someone who says he “loves you” is trying to bend you into something you’re not to suit himself. Be strong, and don’t be afraid of standing up for yourself and worrying that strength will offend him and chase him away.

And rock that red and white striped bikini! Hell, you look GOOD!!

justintime
justintime
6 years ago

Jodi Lynch:
The warning signs were all there…

Yes. He was very up front about who he was from the beginning. I chose to believe what he said.
He took me to WalMart for our first date.
On the drive home he took a snack bar out of his pocket and started eating it. Then asked me if I had eaten something earlier. When I replied “no” he told me I “should have packed something”.

I went out with him again and eventually married him. It still makes me sad.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  justintime

My biggest warning sign was in 2006. I was bitten by a brown recluse spider and was in extreme pain. I drove myself to the ER as he was out drinking and couldn’t be bothered.

I called sometime later to let him know I wouldn’t be home as they said I was in heart failure and they were trying to save my life.

He replied … do you want me to come there? With silent tears rolling down my face, I replied… no.

Um hello… of course I wanted him there but the fact that I had to say it, I didn’t say it.

I was released around 4 a.m. and had to sign papers saying I would go to a doctor that same day and would be monitored for some time.

When I got home, he was asleep with not a care in the world.

Yep, huge warning sign.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

That’s a horrible story. He’s a horrible person.

And for those who obsess over the arrival of the karma bus–what could be worse than have the heart and soul of a man like that? He could live in a mansion and have a billion dollars and he’d be utterly worthless.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Thank you for saying that.

Funny thing is, he does indeed live in a mansion with the circus clown OW now and rumor has it she is filthy rich ~ and yes, he is utterly worthless.

Go figure… LOL

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

???? so sad for you.

Arrow
Arrow
6 years ago

I would heed much more strongly the best advice my mother ever gave me: “Don’t marry a man you feel sorry for or have to make excuses for.” (I did it anyway.) A real red flag us deeply loving, warm people who falsely believe we can “make” miserable people happy with enough love. Now I see so clearly when I watch girlfriends bend themselves into pretzels to come up with explanations for their moronic fuckwits. “Oh, he had a bad childhood.” “Oh, he’s never had anyone believe in him before.” “Oh, I’m just going to focus on the good stuff.” “Oh, that’s just the way he is and nobody is perfect.” Yikes.

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  Arrow

This 1000 times !!

Now that I accept who my Ex is and as CL says “trust that she sucks”, her actions never surprise me unlike during our marriage where her actions would always throw me for a loop. I used to try and defend her shitty actions and had this unrealistic picture of who she was in my head that now I know was far from reality.
It took Dday and for me to be emotionally and financially destroyed for me to finally wake up.

My other piece of advice to my younger self — If all of your closest friends and family don’t like them and beg you not to marry them —LISTEN !!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

I ran across a picture of myself early in my marriage, holding my 6-month old daughter, and felt sorry for my younger self–there is an innocence in my face that will never be there again because of having lived through emotional abuse & infidelity. I knew my marriage was going to be difficult, but had no idea there would be as many hours of fighting the inertia of helplessness to keep going.

That said, I wouldn’t go back in time and slap my younger self into logical thought (“Don’t marry him!!”). Everything that has happened has brought me to this time in place, and it’s pretty wonderful. 3.25 years out from D-day, not-quite 3 years from divorce, and I am part of a Chump Revolution, have the most fabulous set of friends (most from CN), two daughters I would not have otherwise had, and wisdom about the world (which, while the loss of innocence is unwelcome in some respects, better represents the truth about the world, and that is always a good thing).

Carry on, younger self.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
YOU are an inspiration to CN.
You never cease to amaze me.
I believe you are the Best Friend CN has. We know ALL the extra things you do to help Chumps, you go more than the extra mile.
Thank you for your enormous kind heart, TEMPEST!
❤️

Mehphista
Mehphista
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ditto. As shit sandwich as the past five years have been, I’d have no Kiddo. Or Chump Nation for that matter.

I’m with you Lady T!

TooLong
TooLong
6 years ago

At my 23 I would say to myself:
– stop drinking and smoking
– get a proffesional help for depression
– get a degree now (and not at 42) and get a good job
– start running daily
– dump that troubled girl (STBXW, 19 years together, 15 years living together, DD#1 in September 2017 and DD#2 in November 2017, three teen kids…)
– WTF happend???

😉

But Im becoming MIGHTY and near the state of MEH.
Tuesday is comming with supersonic speed around the corner.

THX to the CL & CN.

We all rock!!!

kb
kb
6 years ago

I had dated CheaterX for about a couple of years before I went off to grad school. The summer before I moved, I had surgery for a torn ACL. About a week beforehand, I broke up with CheaterX. He always had a chip on his shoulder with respect to people who had more education than he had, and always railed against the academy. He did have a college degree, but both my parents were retired professors,

He is a man who paints everyone with the same brush. Did he suffer an injustice at the hands of a professor? ALL professors are bad. I finally got mad enough and told him flat out that both my parents held PhDs, both had taught at the university level, and I clearly understood where he was coming from and that I no longer wanted to see him.

I was sad, but getting over things.

I had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. He brought me flowers, balloons, and chocolates. The nurse asked me who did this and I told her that it was my ex-boyfriend, who was trying to get back together. She looked at me and told me that anyone who made that kind of effort deserved a second chance.

Knowing what I know now, I’d have told her that no, grand gestures are all he’s good for. He’ll go back and be the same asshole he was before.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago

Definitely in the camp of accepting realities, including the impossibility of rewrites. Instead of imaging how I might have made different decisions–ones that might have prevented this mess–I’m all about both learning about how and why I made so many mistakes, grasping that I was dealing with a person who very skillfully manipulated me and withheld key information, and cutting myself a break on some key points. For instance, yes, I did stay too long, but then again some core values that I would not change were the foundation of that decision. Also, doing my best to live the present fully, and to see my independent future as a gift. Scary to be wholly abandoned at 55 with the empty nest imminent, but then again it’s pretty glorious to imagine having the freedom to focus on things that I really love. Small things like hours to read and write, or a day spent hiking, or long stretches of time to work in the yard until I am filthy and the sun is setting never seem small to me. Those are what contentment and health look like. I am really lucky no longer to be tied to someone who has very different ideas–if any, really–about what a worthy life looks like. I can go to church, now. Films. Museums. I can poke around in junk shops. I can spend hours taking and editing photos. I can get lost in a bookstore. I can dream by a river. Facing a lot of solitude–I like a lot of it, but this is REALLY a lot–but work and children keep me absorbed, and I think a good bit of time just adjusting to the new reality after divorce (coming soon, it seems) will be right and healthy for me.

ozziechump
ozziechump
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Dear cashmere
I am discarded at 59; but I know my future is far brighter than my dark lonely undervalued marriage. Engage in the people you love, your community and your passions. You have been gifted a second chance! Would you want to grow old with that fuckwit, care for him in aging poor health? Thrive my friend! This world is a beautiful place!

NOMORECOUCHSLUG
NOMORECOUCHSLUG
6 years ago

I would tell myself it is OK to walk away. I always had a habit of trying to make a relationship work, even when it was obvious that it was not going to or that it was bad for me. There were times when I would be involved with someone who I shouldn’t be, or someone who was just stringing me along, and I would stay. There were times when I was asked out by a guy who I had been friendly with, and I would turn him down out of obligation to the “jerk” I had been dating. I often wonder “what if”. I would tell myself when it comes to love, trust your gut, don’t be afraid to walk away from something that isn’t working just because you feel obligated, and don’t be afraid to take a chance. And girl, don’t wait for them to ask you, ask them!Of course there is nothing wrong with being alone either….

Sweetz
Sweetz
6 years ago

I’d also tell my younger self, that just because I got pressured into having sex (or wanted to and did) that THAT in and of itself did not mean I HAD to marry a man in order to be “morally right” with God. Okay, so I shouldn’t have had sex…but that did not mean that I was suddenly now morally obligated to also fuck up my entire life going forward with the wrong person. Sex muddied the waters for me…it made me think and feel that the unseen emotional/physical/spiritual “bond” that ensued (obviously only in MY mind) was an indication of a spiritual moral contract going forward…rather than just something that I needed to repent of. This is of course, coming from a Christian perspective. I had sex with three men during my lifetime…married them all, and ALL of them were cheaters and/or abusers. I did not take the TIME to really learn about their characters before having sex with them. DONE with both sex and men…much happier being alone going forward. Fixed my picker and made a choice for ME.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

Agreed that I should have walked away but felt powerless to do so. Sex, for me, made it impossible to see or think clearly. There were many red flags for both of my cheating x’s, but I ignored them.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago