Her Affair Is the Theme of Her New Restaurant
Hey Chump Lady,
I want to write to you about an issue that I haven’t seen you address before on your site. Or at least, I don’t think you have addressed it. But I’m really curious about what I should do if my ex-wife’s affair partner is also a chump. Do I warn him?
My D-Day was almost four years ago. Luckily, I found your site right away and I’m proud of how I handled myself. I divorced her immediately, went no contact, healed, and then got mighty. Happy to say I am in a 2-year relationship with the most trusting, loving, and understanding woman.
(For the below — I divorced her immediately in America four years ago, but the past year she has been saying there are issues with our divorce in her country, Italy.)
I believe my ex-wife suffers from very narcissistic tendencies, so I only communicate in grey rock with her when it relates to our divorce. Yesterday, she tricked me into a texting conversation by starting with needing help with the divorce, but actually sent me a link to her new restaurant that she opened with her affair partner that ended our marriage. This website was not your typical menu of a restaurant, but rather their love story written out. My XW made her affair the theme of the new restaurant. All the food is inspired from the land which brought the two together. They invite their guests to come taste how their relationship started. Super weird, I know. But that’s what the site says.
Lovely. How nice to hear from her. As soon as she texted me something outside of divorce talk, I went back to No Contact. But one thing interesting about the site was the fact that I believe this guy was completely unaware that my XW was married when he met her.
I had a feeling that he didn’t know during the affair four years ago, but I didn’t care. I wanted nothing to do with her or him at that time. I just divorced her and moved on. (They live on the other side of the world). I also figured that there would be no way she could keep that secret from him for that long. He would eventually find out, right? I mean, her family or one of her friends would be sure to mention it to him. But I have to tell you, my gut is saying that he doesn’t know.
A reason why I think this is the case is because I believe my XW is a young Black Widow. She has a pattern of this narcissistic abuse cycle, which always includes monkey-branching to a new partner. But weirdly enough, she does it in different countries. New friends, new job, new life, new personality. Hell, she even speaks different languages in these relationships. So these guys never know about each other. There was a guy before me who she was with for three years. He was a chump and I was the affair partner — and I had no idea he existed until after my own D-Day. The first chump was in Italy, I am the second chump in America, and this new guy might be the third chump who is from Spain.
She also never cared about our divorce. I was smart enough to get her to sign the papers before she fled the country to join her new Schmoopie. She never checked in on the divorce or even cared to see if I did it for years. But within the past year, she has been pressing me a lot about the divorce because she can’t get it finalized in her country. (Sounds like a bullshit story, who knows). But it’s clear to me that she only cares now about her divorce in her country now because she wants to marry her new Schmoopie. And I think she hits me up and begs me to handle the divorce for her because she is trying to keep it hidden from her Schmoopie that she is dealing with a divorce. (Plus it would be bad business, how are they going to sell the taste of their love when she is still technically married to another man?).
As a true narcissist, she blasts her AP in my face. She has since D-Day. (Yes, her social media is blocked — but even yesterday, she will find ways into tricking me to see him with her). Point is — if I wanted to, I could easily find a way to contact him.
No one ever gave me a warning about who this woman was. What she did before me or what she was doing behind my back. And a lot of people could have stepped in and given me a heads up. Now, I find myself in that position. If this new guy is innocent, and if he is a chump, should I reach out and let him know who I am and what was going on when he met her. Should I offer him the courtesy that was never given to me? A warning before he marries her.
I know there is a strong chance that he probably did know she was married and didn’t care. But I would feel bad if he was innocent and is on his way to getting chumped. If my XW is truly a narcissist, then she targets people like myself. Trusting, naive, and empathetic people. Someone she can deceive, manipulate, and control. My experience was incredibly painful. and I wouldn’t want anyone to go through that again.
What are your thoughts?
FogChump
***
Dear FogChump,
I’m generally in favor of telling people they’re chumps — but I make an exception for partners of our exes. No contact with your ex trumps saving the next sucker. He’s been with her FOUR YEARS. That’s enough time to do some due diligence. Has she no family? No one giving her the side eye at weddings? Not one gossipy friend?
You have a big heart, but he’s really not your problem. And her Italian divorce status is not your problem either. You got a legal divorce in the U.S.? That’s a divorce. She can call the consulate or send a flock of flying monkeys to do a public records search. Not. Your. Job.
I believe my ex-wife suffers from very narcissistic tendencies, so I only communicate in grey rock with her when it relates to our divorce.
If you’re divorced and have no children you don’t need to communicate with her at ALL. One call to your lawyer could clear this up. Why on earth have you not blocked this person?
Honestly this whole “We’re still technically married in Italy” sounds like total bullshit. And I would also make your divorce lawyer be the go-to for any further inquiries. It’s worth the hourly fee to have the fire wall. But if you wanted to (remember If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It…), you could notify them both by email or certified mail and say:
Dear Ex-wife,
cc: Unwitting Sucker
I divorced you on (this date) in (this jurisdiction) for (hooking up with overseas randos/whatever salient details you’d like to include here). I understand from the unwanted contact you’ve made with me recently, that you believe we are still married under Italian law. I live in America. We have been divorced since (X date demonstrating the relationship overlap.) However, if you persist in communicating further on this matter, contact my attorney Mean S. Asnake Esq. (details). I will have no further contact with you.
Conversely, you could also do fuck all and let her twist in the wind. I think that is the most elegant solution.
Please examine your head as to why on earth you’d stay in contact with this freak.
Yesterday, she tricked me into a texting conversation by starting with needing help with the divorce
She did not trick you. You did not block her.
For whatever chumpy reason — hopium, schadenfreude, hypervigilance (she’s still thousands of miles away, right?) — you did not shut down her shit. Commit to the no contact, okay? You don’t owe this wingnut one more second of your life. Besides which it’s not fair to your wonderful girlfriend for you to be entangled with this nut. That’s mental space you could be spending on cute puppy names, or what flavor ice cream you’re having tonight.
Yet, instead of focusing on your future — you’re living this nightmare that you could still be married to this freak! It’s like one of those anxiety dreams — you bought a car and forgot it and still owe payments, or you have a math class and never studied for the test. It’s classic nightmare material — an unpleasant, unfulfilled obligation that haunts you. In your case, it’s some loose end of Italian law that keeps you wedded to her.
Who’s fueling this nightmare? She is! It’s not a thing!
but actually sent me a link to her new restaurant that she opened with her affair partner that ended our marriage.
Well, if you’re going to fail at no contact, at least you brought me some delicious snark fodder.
This website was not your typical menu of a restaurant, but rather their love story written out. My XW made her affair the theme of the new restaurant. All the food is inspired from the land which brought the two together. They invite their guests to come taste how their relationship started. Super weird, I know. But that’s what the site says.
CN — Fog sent me the link to the restaurant, which alas I cannot share with you (doxxing isn’t nice). But next to the overwrought Schmoopie love story — are photos of grilled cheese sandwiches.
Not Michelin-starred grilled cheese. Or specially sourced Iberian grilled cheese. But ordinary greasy diner grilled cheese. Like, the most basic grilled cheese sandwich you could get in any institutionalized setting. Like, Monsanto has cloned this grilled cheese. That’s how un-special this grilled cheese is.
THIS is what they showcase for the Greatest Love Story Ever Told?
Fog, you realize this is a metaphor, right? Cheap dressed up as special. Ordinary — could get it anywhere — sold as exclusive. Stock photo grilled cheese love. That’s what an affair is.
Hey, Tracy, I like grilled cheese.
Me too, but I don’t pretend it’s anything but melted processed cheese on bread. It’s not enough for this woman to love bomb this sucker — we’ll create a restaurant together! — she has to love bomb everyone — THE WORLD WILL KNOW OUR STORY! (Like we care… geez.) And she wants you to know. (Kibbles!) And what’s on offer?
Disappointment. For Schmoopie, probably financial insolvency. Restaurants are notoriously risky. And then she’ll swan off to the next chump.
A reason why I think this is the case is because I believe my XW is a young Black Widow.
Stop untangling her skein. She’s a scammer. And you’re probably not the only Plan B, C, Z ex she’s needs “help” from. For all you know she has an “unfinished divorce” in Paraguay.
NO CONTACT.
Enjoy your cheater-free life, Fog. Don’t look back.
As for CN — feel free to name the sandwiches of Affair Cafe in the comments. I’d like an Ashley Madison slider, hold the chlamydia.
She sounds dangerous. Thank God she is in another country. That country would be on a no visit zone
I’ll have an Open Face Fuckwit Sandwich and Chili cheater fries.
Oh wait, the restaurant is in Italy, change that order to
Pasta Va Fanculo!
Translation: Pasta go f$&k youself
I mean, puttanesca is already a thing. LOL
“Me too, but I don’t pretend it’s anything but melted processed cheese on bread.”
Totally off topic, but for a wonderful toasted cheese sandwich, use Munster vs American. Not fancy but soooo good.
“Ashley Madison slider, hold the chlamydia” or Toasted trollop, with a side of Herpes.
I just have to say, how delusional is this woman to open an AMERICAN restaurant in Italy and think Italians wouold want to eat processed cheese slices on white bread?
I’ve read about some real idiot cheaters on this site but this takes the cake. (Or would it be the cannoli?)
I just had a grilled cheese with provolone. Yum!
Quality cheddar, a little mustard.
Fontina cheese. Dusting of truffle zest.
Just a thought, is she trying to get an annulment of a Catholic wedding in Italy. So legally divorced in the US (and Italy) but wanting another church wedding? As for the sandwich, sorry, I got nothing!
Neither of us are Catholic. We didn’t have a Catholic wedding. She claims the Italian government won’t recognize her divorce. She is prevented from ever getting married again in Italy since her government acknowledges her as a married woman still. (So she says).
So what. That’s north you. Sounds like you kinds like the contact. Why? You talk Grey rock but don’t do it.
As others here have said: she’s not your problem anymore. Yahoooo!!!!
Sounds like something to leave to the G20!
If you didn’t have a Catholic wedding, regardless of the country, then to the Catholic church, you are not actually married anyway. I know, my local priest told me that in the eyes of the Catholic church I have never been bound to the FW and there’s nothing to be dissolved. That was a great feeling !
Personally, I think Ms. International FW is just doing what FW’s do. I feel sorry for Mr Fog not realising this yet. To me, FW’s are like Kaa, the snake in Jungle Book, who keeps rolling his eyes to distract from his bad intentions, it’s all show and never anything good to be expected. It’s time for Tuesday, Mr Fog!!
If she is, all she needs to do is petition her Diocese for an anullment-stating the grounds e.g. SHE was never committed to 1.Fidelity and 2. Permanence! Then her Diocese’s annulment commission tribunal will contact Fog, and all he has to do is agree to it! Or not, as he pleases! Because the likes of her wanting to take the mickey out of God by fraudulently undertaking the Sacrament of Matrimony shouldn’t be allowed to, once it’s known they’re a betrayer and a HYPOCRITE! T’is up to Fog though!
Oh yes, and it’s entirely free of charge! I know all this because I want an annulment from my betrayer too so I’ve looked into it!
FYI, the diocese will likely not contact the spouse at all for a rebuttal. I know my Dumb Fuck petitioned for annulment, unbeknownst to me. I had no opportunity to explain that there hadn’t been a viable marriage since he’d had five affair partners that I knew of since our engagement and 25 years of marriage, before shacking up with the twice divorced cantor Twatwaffle. First I knew of it was a letter from the diocese informing me that the marriage had never been valid because it hadn’t be done before a priest in a Catholic church
She may well be looking for an annulment – but if she is, the official divorce papers from the US are going to do next to nothing to in her quest.
An annulment is the process of showing that there was a canonically accepted reason that a marriage was invalid since day one. The major areas looked at are: age of both parties, ability to be married and ability to consent freely. Most marriages are valid under the first two if the partners are adults, unmarried, not previously divorced, and not close relatives so most annulments focus on ability to consent.
Without going into a rabbit hole, it’s pretty easy for LW to get an annulment since his FW was previously divorced and hiding that relationship. It’s harder for FW because in admitting that her marriage with LW was invalid she’d be declaring that she had a second previous marriage that needed annulment….
There’s a small chance FW will figure out that her best option is to get LW to apply for the annulment in the US then send the finished annulment papers to Italy. Best to block her immediately and let her figure it out.
Flight of Marriage Sandwiches: you get a half- sandwich that’s the favorite of each of FW’s previous husbands. We know of two so far – but it’s an ever growing list.
I hadn’t considered the annulment angle, but that takes it to new heights of hypocrisy.
How well things are going that she feels the need to rub your face in it some, to the point she uses a divorce related question that any sane person might respond to. Kibbles much. A huge restaurant filled plate of kibbles. She wants you to still care. End of.
When I was on a mini break in Barcelona just post split before he moved out (it was awkward, our child wanted to go and looking back should have kyboshed it but didn’t) my EX FW had a playlist he had kindly curated so the song names would come up on the screen in the car and it was all song titles like ‘I am Free’, ‘Awaken My Love’. I did turn to him in the car and say are you actually having a laugh. He then raged at me and told me not to start and I bawled my eyes out, most annoyingly, with hindsight, was in such bits that day I left one of my favourite sandals on a beach somewhere. I only miss the sandal.
What kind of disordered freak do you have to be to want to rub this stuff in your ex’s face. That’s all you need to know.
Dudders wrote, “What kind of disordered freak do you have to be to want to rub this stuff in your ex’s face.”
I may be a little slow but it just occurred to me that FWs– all their games, tactics, strategies and entire personalities– are perfectly adapted to being with other FWs. Deep down, they expect everyone to be half sociopaths and cheaters. It’s all they know. Maybe that’s why they behave like it’s all some death match and about first strikes and killing before they’re killed, betraying before they’re betrayed. Of course this is entirely baffling to non-cheaters. Like why is this person acting as if I’ve done some terrible thing that deserves to be cruelly and angrily avenged??
If someone is only geared to be with cheaters, it may be that any sense of normal love is attenuated and numbed and all a FW can muster in the gap is perhaps territoriality. If the territoriality fades, the FW is left with the painful void of their own vast emptiness. It may make FWs even angrier when they cheat themselves and their partners don’t catch the hint that it’s time to counter-cheat. Sort of like how toddlers rebelliously wander farther and farther from mommy to individuate and then start bawling and raging if mommy lets them get too far away, chumps fail to “call” cheaters back by “refreshing” FWs’ territoriality.
This sounds a bit skeiny and needs work as a concept but I think things like FWs “rubbing in the face” of chumps makes a little more sense from this perspective. Every chump should brace for it. It may be about more than just engineering centrality but from real anger that the chump didn’t follow some subconscious dysfunctional death match script and help FWs reenact traumatic childhoods by playing the role of some withdrawing and unreliable parent. FWs may all be looking for Mr. or Ms. Goodbar.
FogChump,
You have a divorce that is valid in your country of residence and your Ex-Wife lives in another country. You owe her (and her AP/Finance/Whatever) the square root of minus fuck all. You need to go no contact and avoid getting drawn into her drama.
That she might (and I stress might because I think that she’s leading you on/trying to draw you back in) have issues with her marital status in her new home country is not your clownshow; this a “her problem” and definitely not a “you problem.” I would strongly recommend that you stop letting her back into your headspace; you have a new life and a new relationship that should be your priority. To be a little brutal, stop trying to be “nice” (by helping her) and don’t even think about trying to be the “saviour” of her AP on the grounds that he might not have known what was going on. You owe them nothing, so give them nothing.
Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but you risk spoiling what you have because you can’t “drop the rope” to your ex.
LFTT
Oh, she has absolutely zero issues getting the divorce recognized in Italy. Zero. That’s just the pretext for shit-stirring. How do I know? Because she’s including photos of the menu. It’s pure attention-seeking.
Yep. As for him not knowing. Honestly, in this day and age there is just too many ways to find info, for one to be unaware of another being married.
Yes I know of course exceptions; but either way not the OPs circus.
My H’s ex wife who left him (no cheating, just she didn’t want to be married anymore) and got a really good settlement, including life time medical insurance wrote him a letter asking for more money after she blew through her money in a couple years, like crap through a goose (mostly drinking, travel and partying). She was only 50 and never went back to work. I guess she figured she would just live on her settlement. Which she likely could have had she managed the money correctly.
Anyway, he showed me the letter as we had been dating quite a while by then. I just said, I would ignore it, do not reply or even discuss it with her. If she wants to reopen the D, let her hire an attorney and do what she has to do.
That was the last he heard of it. She got a fair settlement, including half the money he inherited from his mother. There was no basis to reopen the case.
I get where she was coming from. H is a sweetheart and she likely thought he would give her more money out of compassion. She broke his heart, and I know that he still loved her, and would have stayed with her and kept trying, but she stayed at the fair too long for that to happen.
She unfortunately died of a heart attack about ten years ago. She had 80 dollars in her account and had just bought a VW. The kids turned her car back in to the dealer, and we helped them pay for her services.
I feel bad that she couldn’t get her life in order. I saw her at a couple events and she was always very nice to me and to H. But, she was constantly fighting with two of her kids, her daughter and youngest son. The oldest was her favorite, so she got along with him ok, from what I could see. Her oldest son has lived his life pretty much like she did. The other two very responsible like their dad.
The re-written the history of our separation by FW was initially painful but is now almost a comfort. The fact that lies will need to be told/remembered forever to explain their relationship balances out the gaslighting I received. What a shameful way to launch a relationship or business.
The rewriting of our history
Italian Sausage in the Can Hoagie, Fresh Tongue on a Whisker Biscuit, Philatio Fish, Fur burger with Frumunda Cheese, One Eyed Trouser Trout, Bearded Clam Roll
Toad in her hole (English dish).
NYNB– Ew, lol.
“…how are they going to sell the taste of their love when she is still technically married to another man?”
FWs are living in a fantasy of their own making. You, their children, the mortgage, pets, or any other empirical facts that exist have nothing to do with how they see the world or choose to live in it. I agree with CL. Block and forget. Maybe the new AP has to learn his lesson the hard way, the way many of us did. And look, we not only survived, but thrived.
Let it go and focus instead on your new partner and your upgraded life without the international lady of mystery.
You got a legal divorce in your home country which was, at the time, her country of residence. Your divorce is complete and legal in both countries. She’s full of it and she is just trying to keep you connected so she can shove this weird restaurant in your face.
I think a cheater restaurant specialty is shit sandwiches with a dog turd covered in pink sprinkles dessert. And they get really mad at you when you don’t want to eat it.
It’s truly best to just walk away from the insanity. What little justice we think we’ll get from settling the score is fleeting at best and can pull us down the pit. And engaging with a manipulator and/or someone entranced by their wonderfulness is a hopeless cause.
A Mounted Crusto with a soggy greasy side order of infidelity fries, please.
I would drop the ball in your court on that one, Fog. My first impulse was to warn him, but she could probably fix that with him and it would only serve her the kibbles she needs of proof you do still care on some level.
Remember your goal is meh, not caring one single drop in that ocean between you.
Go enjoy your life, she isn’t changing for anyone else. The love sandwiches won’t stay edible for long before she’s off again with her deadly toxic bush learning Swahili to con someone else.
Leave her be, you can’t save him either, unfortunately. Go live a good life, she gave up that option long ago.
He should phone in an order for a Hit-The-Road Monterey Jack sandwich on Fuck-acci-you bread, hold the pickle.
Gooey cheese with a side of sordid betrayal … how STD chic of her.
For desert, treat yourself to a slice of Schtupmisu.
(Lady Fingers are expensive so they use vanilla wafers instead)
I recently read Foster, a short story by Claire Keegan. The first time I have read a complete book since DDay OCT 2017.
From Foster:
“You don’t ever have to say anything. Always remember that as a thing you need never do. Many’s the man lost much just because he missed the perfect opportunity to say nothing.”
There is no need to speak to a traitorous phony fraudulent romantic partner unless you have children, or legal/financial concerns. I have those and so must be an expert at economizing with words.
Traitor Ex is mad at me because I won’t agree to the expensing his boat. A boat I did not know he had. A boat that may be a boat he bought during the marriage and kept secret. A possible secret boat that he did not put on his disclosures.
They say a boat is a hole in the water you throw money into. If what I suspect is true, that old saying is about to have a whole new meaning he didn’t see coming.
The Velvet Hammer is about to come down.
Gallagher’s Grilled is my grilled cheese menu item.
Those of you who know who Gallagher is will get it.
Stay tuned.
Cheaters are not bright and can be chatty if you be quiet and listen.
Heh heh heh.
clare keegan is such a good writer. there’s a short story in the new yorker called ‘so late in the day’ that is a master class in 1) the short story and, 2) misogyny.
glad you’re back to reading. loss of concentration is a thing when in the midst of the fuckery. keep reading!
PS…
While they’re distracted and wrapped up with Schmoopies and keeping track of their lies, do your best to stay calm and get your ducks in a row. Let them rant while you LISTEN. Use their distraction to your advantage.
Listening is the superpower I had to develop after DDay. There’s rope in what they say that you can use to hang them. Listen and ask questions. Stop TELLING. You are playing Ultimate Battleship with a cheater. Cheaters and side pieces are not wise, emotionally mature, psychologically healthy. They are childish and conniving, and it works against them. It works even faster the quieter and less reactive you are.
You know, CL, I have read some horrible, hilarious, tragic stories on here but this one is in a class by itself. And, yes, I believe she is you he says she is. You only need to watch enough ID channel, Dateline, 20/20, 48 Hours to know there are some scary women out there.
Please sir, lose her number and any other ways to connect to her. She is a shark, constantly circling the waters.
I have only this cheese sandwich based on my brother, the abandoned chump’s life…two pieces of toast minus the cheese.
Sounds like she’s phishing for his personally identifiable information to me.
And I agree that our writer owes this cheater nothing. Now that he has what he needs out of the divorce, anything else that isn’t going her way is her problem.
We don’t owe people what they want just because they think we do.
This crossed my mind for sure. I was very careful on what information I gave out.
Well done!!! You are mighty x googol!!!
Good point. Maybe she wants his info so in this new country she can obligate him financially, using her European marriage-isn’t-over status. Yet another reason to go no contact.
“But within the past year, she has been pressing me a lot about the divorce because she can’t get it finalized in her country.” Who knows if that’s true? But you know that she’s trying to hurt you even more by unnecessarily sending you the link to her tawdry tale (tail?) cafe.
You wrote that you went no contact four years ago, but she’s been pressing a LOT for a year. She can offer up all the shit sandwiches she wants, but you are divorced, on the other side of the world. Get out of the buffet line!
As Tracy wisely pointed out, if it feels good, don’t do it. Since I don’t have any creative imaginary menu options for Affair Cafe that come close to those already proposed, I’ll suggest, instead, imagining the fallout if Fog Chump posted Tracy’s suggested letter to the restaurant reviews page.
Delicious.
If the ex-wife has a pattern of marrying before moving on, without bothering to divorce the previous guy, then how sure is the OP that he was legally married in the first place? If there was a guy before him that she married, and didn’t bother to divorce, that would nullify her marriage to him. At least in the US it would. I would check with my attorney, and perhaps even find a PI to see if she was legally divorced from the previous guy. Maybe Tracy and some folks on this site would consider this untangling the skein, but I don’t think it hurts to get your legal ducks in a row. I agree with other posters: she sounds unhinged and dangerous. If it were me, I change my phone number and if I moved, I’d leave no forwarding address.
I don’t know about that, Granny. Since he’s divorced from her now, it’s not his problem to sort out. To what end? He’d have a hard time getting her in trouble for bigamy when she lives in another country. Why go to the expense? He’s not legally on the hook for any of it. He did what was necessary and divorced her in his own jurisdiction. Plus, FWs can go crazy and become vindictive when you ferret out their secrets. This one sounds pretty unhinged as it is.
I don’t believe this restaurant exists. Anyone can put a website together and use photos stolen off the Internet.
It definitely exists. She opened it up in her small hometown when she moved back. It’s crazy, I’ve met everyone in that town. They all knew she was married to me.
Schmoopie’s a native Spanish Speaker? How about “Linguini a la Tilinga” (bimbo linguini)?
There seems to be a bit of a social experiment going on here where CL readers generally behave in ways that FWs aren’t accustomed to. Fog’s exFW appears to be taking sweaty, increasingly awkward measures to rope Fog back into enmeshment/engagement like it really, really bothers her that he hasn’t willingly continued orbiting around the perimeters as all her other former prey must have done. Boy, the kibble of chumps’ protracted pining heartbreaks must be super delicious to narcs.
Either that or exFW also needs the orbiting to create the illusion that she’s “sought after” in order to prevent the current Schmoopie from shifting into devaluing her, which he may be on the verge of doing. In other words, she’s inviting the overlap/crossed paths which suggests Schmoopie could be a serial cheater himself. If Fog responds in any way, exFW will likely reverse the accusation and tell Schmoopie that Fog is engaging out of the blue and unbidden because “he just can’t stay away.” Then she’ll dance around to Elle King’s annoying hamster-voiced FW victory anthem “Exes and Oh’s.”
I wouldn’t touch this with a thirty foot barge pole. Lop off every last connection and tie with this infantile psychopath.
I love love love the “social experiment” take: CL readers responding to FWs in ways that FWs aren’t accustomed to, then wryly observing as they short-circuit. Yes! As someone who caught on fairly young (not young enough), on my own (no CN back then,) but then backslid later in life because I was still too empathetic for my own good, I have experienced the utter deliciousness of this turnabout. It is empowering.
Second former FW boyfriend wrote to me, “The ball is in your court.” Let me say that again: HE wrote to ME to tell me I had the ball. I replied, “Then why do you keep hitting it?” In a few more months I had extinguished all traces of hopium and went gloriously NC, blocking all electronic and telephone avenues and immediately tossing or giving away all his unwanted gifts that kept showing up on sentimental dates (how gauchely transparent they are, once you see it for what it is).
I do believe it boggled his mind, that all those FOG attempts failed to land. (“But, but, they always worked with my prior partner, even after I discarded her!”) FWs start out covertly delighted because they think they have your number and can use it to snow you. When you at last turn around and get their number–I think that is the ultimate satisvengeance for all the exploiting they have chosen to do. No Contact IS the last word.
And that is why I revere Tracy and her devotion to keeping this here truth camp alive, for all the new refugees. CN Power!
Amen and all power to you for turning the tables.
Bigamous bolognese made with dumpster-fresh ingredients.
She’s unstable and exhausting and there are better things to do with your life than to have more of your time and energy sucked into this black hole.
Cheater-themed sandwich? Two pieces of toasted bread with absolutely nothing of substance between them.
i’m thinking of a mime pretend eating a sandwich is about right. there’s nothing there. #sandwiches
Lol, you forgot to add “half-eaten and gnawed on.”
that’s an insult to bread–
A brand new physician in my town met a lovely divorcee at a medical conference. She came complete with a darling 12 year old son, who was so desperately in need of a dad that the boy sat right in the young doc’s lap and hugged him. Cue whirlwind romance and hasty marriage. Son wheedled his new dad’s $2000 mountain bike out of him, mom set about emptying the marital coffers…and then doc was visited at his office by a pissed-off predecessor spouse who informed him that new wife MADE HER LIVING haunting medical conferences targeting newly graduated residents, was several years older than her new spouse, had not one previous but possibly as many as seven previous chumps, and lastly, son was 17, not 12. Annulment followed. Tracy, if we know about these situations, we really ought to speak up. Yes, we have no legal obligation to do so, but ethically – yeah, I think we do. Creatures like this woman are not uncommon and it is a kindness to give a fellow human being a heads up. Really, we ought to have a web site flagging them.
Leftbehindlily, and this is why, should I ever marry, I’d hire an investigator to do a background check!
One time, I found out that a man I’d dated for a couple of years had changed his last name. Nothing wrong with that, of course. However, I purposely brought up Gary Hart’s name change to see if he’d admit to it, and he didn’t. Which in retrospect was a red flag.
Anyway, we didn’t marry, and I suspect I may have dodged a bullet. Because about a year and half after we broke up, he married for the second time. And a few months after that, he called me because he was in town alone and wanted to see me! I told him “No, and don’t call me again”, which he respected. I was quite shocked because I truly hadn’t thought he’d do anything like that!
What normal 17 year old boy could pass for 12? I have two of those (sigh, wail, boys change so much). The kid in the hustler saga must have some growth or hormone disorder that stopped even the bones in his face from developing. But point taken. What you’re talking about already exists with a slew of websites like “She’s a Homewrecker(.com).” Those sites are a Jerry Springer-level cultural phenomena that I’m on the fence about. On the one hand, the presentation and overall impression are tacky and there’s the risk of false character assassination. On the other, there might even be something elevated and humanist about it– the power of transparency and word-of-mouth warnings to spare average people untold pain, suffering and worse.
I never saw the boy and cannot say how he did it; however, there are a lot of ethnic groups that are consistently smaller than Americans as a population. In Europe, for example, automakers know that as a group, Italians and Romanians tend to be shorter. In South America, a large part of the population is smaller than North Americans. I don’t know if it is all genetic, or if some of it is nutrition, but there are differences.
” … when she is still technically married to another man?”
Wut? She is NOT technically married to another man. Dude. Do you see how you are believing what she is saying? SHE is saying that, and you’re buying into it. Stop and think about what you’re doing. You’re not married to this person.
Repeat: You. Are. Not. Tied. To. Her.
I will order a B.L.T. (Bullshit, Lies and Treachery) sandwich a Gaslight Word Salad and to drink a Fuckwit Frappe (Grande).
so funny!! made my day ! 🙂
Still, I would consult with your lawyer to ensur
torn, it’s a good thing you’re divorced and that your X lives a long way away. she sounds COMPLICATED. stop answering the phone/texts/emails. she’s gone and you’ve moved on.
On the menu at the Cheater Cafe:
Word salad
Tripe
Head cheese
Shit sandwich (with Secret Suace)
Pigs in a blanket
Goose (cooked)
Mutton dressed as Lamb
Cake (LOTS of cake)
Spotted Dick
Kool-Aid
🤣😂🤣. Excellent Menu!
Don’t forget Bitch Cookies!
Sigh. Chino Lady, thank you as always for your insight. You’re absolutely right. The part that got me the most was when you were talking about my new girlfriend. She really is wonderful. Absolutely all my energy, time, and best should be going towards her. She deserves it and then some.
I guess I thought being at “meh” meant I could Grey rock and just do the divorce stuff for her. I thought I was being classy and nice. But look at how she treated me during the marriage and then how she acts when it ends. There’s no way things could ever end on a nice or classy level.
Message received. Blocking her. No contact. None of this is my problem. Taking the girlfriend out somewhere nice tonight.
FogChump, exactly right. It’s not your problem. You’re legally divorced in your country of residence. If she isn’t, tough. I’m pretty sure she’s lying anyway.
FogChump, exactly right. It’s not your problem. You’re legally divorced in your country of residence. If she isn’t, tough. I’m pretty sure she’s lying anyway.
FogChump, Exactly right. And that’s all you can do. Put all your energy back into the relationship with your current girlfriend. No more energy or concern about a creepy FW.
Chump Lady***
I’ll have the Schmoopie Special with a side of lies.
“Cheap dressed up as special. Ordinary — could get it anywhere — sold as exclusive. ” this is SOOOO good. Thank you
I would block here. I would then tell her new Chump directly. And I would not give her a heads up.
Welcome to Cheaters Cherries Cafe
Tonight’s Specials are……
Bitch, Make My Limp Sausage Sandwich
Clams at My Favorite Strip Club
Oysters Rock my Cock
Younger Than My Daughter Strip Steak
Jerk Chicken with House Shit Sauce
Pull My Pud Pork Sandwich
Muffaletta in your Face, Open Face Sandwich
All About My Weiner Mixed Grill
Wish it was Foot Long Garlic Bread
May we suggest the following Wines…
7 Kids to Support Vineyard, Pinot De Broke Ass
Just Manscaped Vineyard, Vino De Rando
Suggested Desserts…
Old Man Frumunda Cheese Cake
Viva Viagra Blu Sorbet
Oops, I Sharted, Acting Young Chocolate Cake
Banana Hammock Fosters, with Salty Nuts
Blown Up My Life Cherry Flambe, our very favorite house speciality
The Following Dessert Drink….
Angry X Cafe Ole
Look into my eyes Champagne
Midlife Crisis House Port
Bon Appetite!
Pinot de Broke Ass– HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah, my face hurts.
🤣 TBIYTC. That was a tour de force!
Add me to the folks saying this is at best an attempt to keep the LW invested (“look at my restaurant! “), and at worst a shady attempt to get him to send her PHI she will use to scam + disappear. We know this because she’s done it several times! Not a hypothetical, literally her lifestyle going on decades now!
Block her number, and be done with it. Then get to a therapist to figure out why you didn’t ages ago.
Cranky Rabbit, I agree. I spent 10 years asking myself “why does FW do these things?”.
Therapy became so much more productive when I flipped the question and asked “Why do I put up with this?”
Battletempered,
Yes. Yes and yes. I’ve put up with so much that I shouldn’t have and had I paid attention to the red flags decades ago, I wouldn’t be in this mess. So first order of business was getting the strength to get out. But the next order of business is going to be untangling MY skein, so I don’t ever do that again. There are a multitude of reasons I let myself become a doormat, and identifying them all is the best way to never be one again. Early on post DDay, I spent way too much time thinking about the FW’s skein, wondering why he did xyz, and worrying about what my life would become. And at some point “is this acceptable to you?” really sank in, and that was when things really started to change for me. I realized that no, it was absolutely not acceptable to me and like you said, the script flipped. I no longer cared so much about why he did anything. I cared way more about why I accepted it for so long, and getting the hell out.(which is taking forever and a day, but at least I am resolute in my decision and no longer trying to figure out how I can stay and have my old life back. Spoiler alert- that “old life” was a lie. Just because I didn’t KNOW he was cheating and thought things were great, doesn’t mean he wasn’t and they were)
I’m no lawyer, but I would think the country you were living as husband and wife in is the only one you need to divorce in. There should be no reason you need two divorces just because she moved back to her home country.
IMO she is lying and it’s all a ploy to mess with you, Fog. As others have pointed out, she may want a Catholic annulment rather than a divorce. You don’t owe her that and the church doesn’t need to marry any more hypocritical fuckwits. They’re full up with them as it is. I vote for let her twist and block her on all fronts. The guy she’s with may or may not be a chump, but considering he’s delusional enough to think the cringey soul mate schmoopie menu was a good idea, he probably wouldn’t listen. She and her paramours are certainly not your problem after four years, Fog. Send one more text giving her your lawyer’s contact info, then ghost her permanently.
Sandwiches;
-Sham and sleaze on rye
-Sloppy seconds beef dip
-Foccalotica on underpants crustini
-Crab and word salad
-Pulled pork poonini
The fact she rubbed her new cheater-themed restaurant in his face is proof her story about “needing a divorce in Italy” is bullshit and she’s just trying to hurt Fog again.
“Underpants crustini”!
Anyone ever find a pair of those under the car seat or behind the headboard?
Just to be clear to everyone, she wasn’t married before. I was her first marriage. She was just in a three year relationship. But it was serious, the Italian guy had just come to visit her in America for three weeks right before I met her.
As far as her family or her friends mentioning anything to the new guy…I mean they didn’t tell me anything about the Italian guy. And he was really good friends with my XW’s brother. I saw pictures of him around the house. I did know she was in a relationship before me. But she had lied and told me that he broke up with her two weeks ago. Which I found out was not true. He actually tried to contact and see her before she married me. She ignored and blew him off.
Oh and she also told me on D-Day that she tracked this ex down a year after we got married when she was in Italy. She begged for him and wrote him a love letter. He threw it away and never spoke to her again. I wish he would have told me that she did that. I could have divorced her a lot earlier if he had.
FogChump,
Don’t beat yourself up about what you might have done back then had only you known truth; you didn’t know so you had no basis to make a better choice or act differently. Instead focus on the now and your future … a fantastic future in which she plays no part and in which she does not live inside your head rent free.
LFTT
So ridiculous, you would think it was made up. But I guess all our stories are ridiculous. FWs are so idiotic.
You are divorced, but still letting her live rent-free in your head. STOP. Block her. Cut her off. You need to go cold turkey.
As for the restaurant, I prefer breakfast. I would like an order of Twatwaffles with Schadenfreude Syrup
and a side of Homewrecker Fries, please.
Lol. Or Twat-waffles , with crusted sausages.
FW Sub (for the cheater with new kinks) and a side of Seeking Arr@ngement Arugula , since that’s where he found the child mistress, and on the side is where she lives. He’ll also have a secret extra order of My New Roommate is also an AP, so enjoy that child mistress!
Geez FogChump. Almost all of your letter is about your XW. I get it that everything that happened to you must be processed, but you DO NOT HAVE TO ENGAGE with the person who abused you.
If you need assurance of your safety , check with the attorney who completed the divorce.
Then talk over with anyone BUT the abuser or her associates what the hell happened to you & why you feel the need to be a savior.
Your letter reads like a summer beach read novel.
I don’t get your comment. I was just trying to give context so people could weigh in their opinion. I came here to this site to find help in processing this. I’m not discussing with her or trying to be a savior.
What are you trying to say by saying that my letter reads like a summer beach read novel?
To me, “beach read novel” meant that the ex-wife comes off as THAT unhinged, and yet the protagonist (LW) is still naively engaging with her, putting himself in danger because he’s trying to be “nice.” (Sorry, but I agree that the need to be the good guy is not healthy, esp in the face of this much evidence that the other party is vicious.)
In the novels, it doesn’t end well for the protagonist.
I thought your writing was engaging & detailed. I have noticed that some people are at a different recovery stage (very meh/totally meh) or handle things in a black & white manner & are not very understanding of those whom are not. It was totally fine to reach out for advice & judgements should be left out when doing so.
Ah, I see. I work with a lot of writers. Storytelling is kind of in my dna.
If I had a Cheaters’ Cafe, everybody would get another table’s order.
😂
Cheesy Triple Decker for the AP’s previous three marriages. I guess if FW marries her, it will be a What’s-your-name-again-married-too-many-times-to-keep-‘em-straight-quadruple messy mess! 🥪🥴
How about” It’s not my fault it’s a plain processed cheese sandwich and our restaurant FAILED. It’s YOURS!!
Why would a cheater take any blame?
NO CONTACT works like a charm, unchain yourself and focus on your new love. If I were your GF I’d not like sharing the stage with former Chester’s and wingnuts. Break free
I think we need to reclaim grilled cheese at Chumpalooza. I can’t have it tainted by this FW.
My entry FWs menu item would be secret picnic in the park.
Seriously, one time I saw on gps (he insisted on surveillance items and cameras on everything) that his car was parked behind an abandoned restaurant at 4pm in the afternoon on his way to “golf”.
Fog needs to read the book again. His grey rock is not grey enough. My FW gets a. All my attorney response to anything he manages to speak to me about. And thanks for referring my attorney. Mean S. Asnake has served me well. I highly recommend him.
I’ll have a Backpage Burger with a side of Ho fries -extra crispy. Add a piece of Barfly pie with a dollop of Meh cream.
Why would you have any open form of contact? Where is it written you need to give her a second of your time?
Stop being your problem.
I have now seen everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if they make a Hollywood movie about her! Cut her off 100%.
Funny you say that. I’m actually a producer in Hollywood.
Trust me, her story would suffer from the problem of not having any likable characters.
I nave double Italian and US citizenship and can guarantee once married or divorced in either country, you are in both! There’s absolutely no way “you’re still married in Italy”. She’s chumping you with legal speak.
Thank you so much for letting me know this.