Holly the Hooker and Other Holiday FW Stories

Merry X-mas! My gift to you is a special Holiday FW story edition of Tell Me How You’re Mighty (one day early).

Sarah and I have compiled the very worst of your cheating ex stories as left to us on voicemail. (We’re always looking for FW of the Week submissions, if you’d like to share a story.)

Gallows humor for Christmas, Tracy?

YES. You lived it, now you can laugh at it. Here are some of our exceptional FWs.

  • Sarah’s ex — who received an amazingly generous gift and gave her… cheap bath set, complete with scratchy washcloth.
  • Tracy’s ex — who put about .025 seconds of effort into a gift at an auto parts store and presented her with a tie-dyed license plate cover.

That’s pretty awful.

There’s worse! Listen to the chump whose husband hired Holly the Hooker for Christmas. (I wonder if sex workers come up with special holiday names?) Or the Worst New Year’s Eve date ever. Or the woman who unwittingly cooked a holiday dinner for MULTIPLE mistresses.

Why would I spend my holiday listening to that hellscape of dysfunction?

Because that’s what we do here at Chump Nation — share our stories so you don’t feel so alone. We survived it, and you can too. Merry Xmas!

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Orlando
Orlando
2 months ago

ExFW took off early one Christmas-telling us he needed to help his parents- who were always very capable of pulling off a family dinner until the family showed up with our potluck dishes. I thought it was strange at the time, but he must having been meeting up with Schmoopie #1, I’m guessing now. Wish Santa would’ve brought me some street sense. Not the first time, I’ve been gullible & passive about not following up on my spidey senses. Working on it as my gift to myself. Happy Christmas!

Last edited 2 months ago by Orlando
2xchump
2xchump
2 months ago

Just knowing we are all in this together today, gives me hope. The sadness of how I believed I was loved 2 Christmasses ago and how I acted as if the bread crumb my
Last cheater left out for me in the way of careless gifts and physical demands…well I turned the crumbs into a gourmet feast. He did not love me and the truth must be told that he COULD NOT LOVE ME. It was impossible for him with cake going on and even for most of our marriage… of porn and running around flirting and looking for others…I only had a hologram of a marriage. But I was content in my make believe world until my head and heart joined hands and I filed. This Christmas I created my own traditions after 32 years of being of use to him. I am now beloved by me and I am growing. Here’s to all the chumps who fell out of dreamland into reality. Sending love and goodwill to you. Celebrate the freedom won with blood, sweat and tears.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 months ago
Reply to  2xchump

Pure poetry: “My head and heart joined hands and I filed.”

Little Wing
Little Wing
2 months ago
Reply to  2xchump

I am sorry that you had to go through this. But HOORAY for understanding that FWs are NOT CAPABLE of truly loving. Oh, they certainly know how to play-act the part to the hilt. But on the inside, their “love” is weak, shallow and brittle.

This is such an awful lesson to learn! But you are mighty for learning it, and you are even mightier now for helping others to learn it also.

2xchump
2xchump
2 months ago
Reply to  Little Wing

They cannot love. Yes they can USE you but cheaters do not have the capacity to adore you as a true partner would. As someone who bonds as a healthy human being would. Once you cry it out you can stand up for yourself and leave. CL.is so right!!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 months ago

On the first day of Christmas the FW said to me,
“ILYBINILWY”
On the second day of Christmas the FW said to me,
“No, divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYBINILWY”
On the third day of Christmas, the FW said to me,
“I’m not your Noam Chomsky,” “No, divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYBINILWY”
On the fourth day of Christmas, the FW said to me,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“No, divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYWINILWY”
On the fifth day of Christmas, the FW said to me,
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“No, divorce would hurt the kids”
And “ILYWINILWY”
On the sixth day of Christmas, the FW said to me,
“You’ve had more sex partners!”
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“No, divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYWINILWY”
On the seventh day of Christmas, the FW said to me,
“I’m not an alcoholic,” “You’ve had more sex partners!”
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,”
“I’m not your Noam Chomsky,” “No, divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYWINILWY”
On the eighth day of Christmas, my FW said to me,
“I’m sick of feminism,” “I’m not an alcoholic,”
“You’ve had more sex partners!”
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“Divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYWINILWY”
On the ninth day of Christmas, the FW said to me
“Those coworkers lie!”, “I’m sick of feminism,”
“I’m not an alcoholic,” “You’ve had more sex partners!”
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“Divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYWINILWY”
On the tenth day of Christmas, my FW said to me,
“People think I’m nice!” “Those coworkers lie!”
“I’m sick of feminism,” “I’m not an alcoholic,”
“You’ve had more sex partners!”
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“Divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYWINILWY”
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the FW said to me
“You got that from a toilet seat!”,”People think I’m nice!”
“Those coworkers lie!”, “I’m sick of feminism,”
“I’m not an alcoholic,” “You’ve had more sex partners!”
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“Divorce would hurt the kids”
and “ILYWINILWY”
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the FW said to me
“Your lawyer’s out to fleece us,” “You got that from a toilet seat!”,
“People think I’m nice!”, “Those coworkers lie!”,
“I’m sick of feminism,” “I’m not an alcoholic,”
“You’ve had more sex partners!”
“HAH, YOU GONNA CRY??”,
“No, I’m not cheating,” “I’m not your Noam Chomsky,”
“Divorce would hurt the kids”
and “You never really loved me since you filed!”

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago

“I’m not your Noam Chomsky”
😆 Your FW actually said that? Douche of the century.

That song was fantastic!

You inspired another song, which I dedicate to your ex douche.

We wish you a scary mistress
We wish you a scary mistress
We wish you a dick that’s listless
And green boils on your rear

Bad tidings you bring, for who wears your ring,
So we wish you a scary mistress
Blowing lies in your ear

We don’t want you whores and fuckwits
We don’t want more of your bullshit
We don’t want you whores and fuckwits
Have we made that quite clear?

Diseases you bring, on your dingaling,
So we wish you a scary mistress
And green boils on your rear.

Happy holidays, chumps! ❤

RecoveringHopiumAddict.
RecoveringHopiumAddict.
2 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Standing ovation. Well done

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Yes, the quip about Chomsky was real. Like most FWitticisms, it’s hilarious in retrospect and inadvertently telling because Chomsky himself offers the perfect analogy for the moment when a vapid fraud reinvents themselves as they switch from playing the part of “loyal partner” to embracing the role of “sleazy cheater” and goes from manically mirroring a primary partner to manically mirroring some creepy proxy cheater: the “god that failed” transition.

Chomsky used GTF to describe the cynical process by which rabid political climbers, after discovering that they’re not going to gain enough power, loot and glory by feigning egalitarian, lefty principles, suddenly violently shift to radical right wing mega-capitalist, recant their former views and scathingly renounce their former “fellow travelers” for “leading them astray.” Chomsky notes that, in the days after WWII when western lefties first discovered that Stalin was a genocidal monster and state capitalist and Russia wasn’t a workers paradise, the transition/recanting process was a bit more sincere but that later flip-floppers did it merely because the political zeitgeist changed and were exposed as empty vessels who never believed in anything but their own advantage.

So I think FW said this because he’d gone from wearing the disguise of crunchy, humanist-feminist lefty and loyal family man (like Chomsky) to suddenly heavily mirroring a boozy, tacky, aspiring Tradwife from a misogynist rad right family whose taste in kulchah ran towards boxed mac & cheese, Instagram, Disney and James Patterson’s ghost-written torture porn. Just like the god that failed flip-floppers, FW felt he had to violently “renounce” his former beliefs and then blamed me for “forcing” him to pretend all along he was something he wasn’t. This came along with other unsolicited assertions like “I like junk food!” and “I don’t use natural toothpaste/read novels!” and “I’m a libertarian!” Whatever, dude. This is the same guy who badgered me out of wearing makeup and designer clothes for years because these were, ya know, elements of corrupt materialism and conforming to the patriarchy lol. Personally, I was never that fanatical.

Apparently I was the “god” that failed. Or maybe marriage or basic integrity were the failed gods. But I never “made” FW pretend to be anything– the fakery was all on him. In any event, FWs all seem to act like they’re leaving one cult to join another.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Scary mistress… LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Excellente!

2xchump
2xchump
2 months ago

Just wondering how many new chumps out there, got there last D day today. So awful to get hit so harshly on a major holiday. 😪

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
2 months ago

So so good!!!!!

Little Wing
Little Wing
2 months ago

Tremendous. Just tremendous.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 months ago

A slightly different spin in this if I may.

I am now nearly 9 years out from D-Day and over 7 years on from the finalisation of my divorce from Ex-Mrs LFTT. Christmas this year was the first for our now adult kids (20, 24 and 27) in a house that we own, as opposed to a rental. Ex-Mrs LFTT’s role in Christmas for the kids this year was absolutely zero ….. nada ….. zip ….. the square root of minus f*ck all. None of the kids have spoken to her (they just sent her texts and she didn’t even try to call them), there are no presents from her to the kids at the house ….. and they no idea what her plan to deliver her presents (if there are any) to them is. In fact they have no idea as to when she plans to see them over the holiday period, if indeed she plans to do it at all.

This Christmas has been blissful and the kids seem utterly unperturbed by the absolute absence of their mother. In fact, the only thing that has upset my equilibrium today was me managing to severely singe my eyebrows and hair while making a calvados based caramel syrup for a tarte tatin ….. not once, but twice.

So that’s my FW story for Christmas Day this year …. utterly and completely absent from our childrens’ lives and they seem all the happier for it.

Oh, and me setting my head on fire twice.

LFTT

Eirene
Eirene
2 months ago

So very happy to hear this, LFTT. This year I promised myself a stress-free holiday, and I set my bar pretty low as far as needing to get anything done. Went to a lovely Christmas pageant at the local meeting house last night, and spent a quiet, contemplative day today doing exactly what I wanted to do. And when you make the decision to see only the people who actually make you feel genuinely good and happy, well, that’s even better! I have reached the point in my life where I am quite comfortable saying “No, thank you. I don’t do that anymore.”

Claire
Claire
2 months ago

Love it. My story pretty much matches this. But the douche in my scenario is their dad. What a waste of life. They’re thriving. So am I. Merry Christmas LFTT

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 months ago
Reply to  Claire

Claire,

Merry Christmas to you too.

LFTT

M1
M1
2 months ago

We haven’t heard from Portia in a while and I just want to say, Merry Christmas Portia, wherever you are. I miss your gentle wisdom and hope you’re doing well.
Merry Christmas and best wishes to all of Chump Nation.

MyLifeisaSoapOpera
MyLifeisaSoapOpera
2 months ago

Should have known he was cheating when he bought me… a car vacuum (cheap AF) for Christmas. About 2 months into his 3rd affair… I hosted his parents and entertained them (unknowingly) while he went into a hotel under the guise of *work* to fuck his 30 years older married with children mistress.. what a lovely Christmas that was.

NJ Survivor
NJ Survivor
2 months ago
Celene
Celene
2 months ago

My D-day was Christmas day in 2021. Fittingly for this year I was so busy enjoying Christmas with my child I didn’t have time to think of the bull malarkey he pulled then!

To make a long story short on my ex’s hijinks for Christmas 2021: had one gift under the tree to me that he bought with his COW, he did not buy anything for our child and had no idea what our son was getting because he’d refused to talk about it, spent the whole day messaging the Cow on his computer and got angry at me when I’d ask him to stop and do things with his family, he made the Christmas apple cobblers – but decided they would be better presents for his coworkers and left me/our child to deliver them on Christmas day. After putting our child to bed Christmas night he tells me he’s in love with the COW and proceeds to alternate between being angry at me for crying and having pity parties for himself for 6+months.

He hasn’t stopped the pity parties or the anger but I’m no longer married to or living with it!

I trust he sucks
I trust he sucks
2 months ago

Last year my (soon to be) XFW made a video of himself performing illegal sexual acts over Christmas. He somehow accidentally shared it with me via Google Photos and I got to share it with the cops. Best gift ever!

hush
hush
1 month ago

Holy crap!!! 😳😳😳

Also your username is fantastic!!! May we ALL trust that they suck indeed.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
2 months ago

Ex/FW’s ex/OW left him a lovely crafts-y apology canvas as a Christmas gift at our front door, some point mid-December.

It was an apology for forcing her way into our apartment and physically assaulting me/coming after him a few weeks before.

It was only an apology to him, by the way, no mention of me. When I pointed that out (as a reason for why I still was upset about the whole thing), ex/FW just shrugged. Oh, and ex/OW had covid, so guess what we got for Christmas as well? Sure, I can’t prove it came from her, as he and I were both working, but still… I was too sick to see any family for Christmas, stuck inside the apartment with ex/FW, who didn’t care much for Christmas at all.

I wish I was kidding. Christmas time with ex/FW was a mess, both years. It’s one of the main reasons I came to this site – I realized that he had sapped my Christmas spirit, and I didn’t want to let him steal that from me. Genuinely, being here has helped. I felt much more holly-jolly these past two weeks. I think knowing that all these FWs have the same playbook has really helped settle my mind.

Garden Lady Chump
Garden Lady Chump
1 month ago

On Christmas Day this year I received a text with a screenshot of holiday porn from estranged spouse from his Eastern European dating site. He “doesn’t know how that happened.”

Garden Lady Chump
Garden Lady Chump
1 month ago

I could tell he was back on the dating sites as I can still see his retirement savings still draining. Revelations started last year this time. Although he’s been scammed by the same site still continues. Now tells me a “Svetlana” and a few others coming to visit him in January. Classic! We’ll see how this pans out. So delusional and so sad.