How to Deal with the Rage?
She filed for divorce, but how to deal with all the rage feelings? She’s got gruesome fantasies. Is this normal?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I am sixteen months out from the day I packed my shit and my daughter in my car and drove away from a 34-year marriage from Pennywise the Fuckwit Cheating Clown.
Divorce filed. He is dodging service, because of course he is. I’ve been through the crying , begging, bargaining stages. I’ve blamed myself (because he certainly did, this is All My Fault, and he has done Nothing Wrong).
This is the guy who got canned from his job for watching porn in the office. While me, his chump wife, was working right down the hallway from him. Yes, we worked for the same company. Once his ass got fired, I showed up for work for the next year, and bore the brunt of office gossip and pity. I needed my job since Pennywise was out of work. His response? “They were just trying to make an example of someone, it’s no big deal”
My question is: How to deal with the rage?
Last night I had a dream that I was standing over Pennywise with a baseball bat in my hands. I was screaming at him “Now you’re going to feel what you made ME feel!! FEEL IT, FEEL IT, FEEL IT!!’
Each “feel it” was accompanied by me bashing him in the head with the baseball bat, as hard as I could.
I know that anger is part of the healing process. I know it’s healthy and ok. But this level of total rage? In my dream, I got pleasure out of seeing him suffer. That’s not ok, is it?
Or is this a GOOD sign? I am lately realizing (thank you No Contact) how appalling his behavior was, and how short I’ve sold myself.
Please confirm for me that I’m on the right path, and this level of absolute rage at Pennywise is ok, or if I’ve taken a wrong turn on the path to Meh, and need some professional help?
Thanks for all you do,
Former wife of Pennywise
***
Dear Former wife of Pennywise,
Did you actually bludgeon this man with a baseball bat? You did not. So, you’re on the right path.
Fantasies are not illegal. People feel murderous just sitting in traffic. It’s what you do with your emotions that matter.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
You’ve already blamed yourself for his cheating, eaten the shit sandwich of working where he perved his way out of job, and filed for divorce alone.
OF COURSE YOU’RE ANGRY.
Don’t apologize for being angry. This man’s fuckwittery has been an ongoing assault to your mental health. He endangered your physical health fucking around and he endangered your financial security by losing his job. Humans evolved to react to threats, otherwise our species would’ve died out long ago. What’s unnatural is a culture that shames women for being angry.
I’m not surprised your subconscious is fed up with this shit, and the anger is seeping into your dreams.
Last night I had a dream that I was standing over Pennywise with a baseball bat in my hands — I was screaming at him “Now you’re going to feel what you made ME feel!! FEEL IT, FEEL IT, FEEL IT!!’
Well, that’s the seductive notion of violence, isn’t it? The direct communication of pain. He can’t feel remorse, but he can feel a baseball bat upside his head. You’re trying to dish out what he served you: powerlessness, fear, and pain.
How to deal with the rage by redirecting it
When you feel swamped by emotions, remember you’re NOT powerless. You’re in the driver’s seat. He’s avoiding that process server precisely because you’re delivering consequences. He can’t dodge service forever. Judgement day is coming.
FWs feed off your fear and pain. It’s just centrality and kibbles to them. So deny Pennywise that power. By moving away from him, filing for divorce and going stone cold no contact, he’s lost the ability to get a contact high from your pain. All he’s left with now is obstruction. Sure, he can frustrate you temporarily, but he will never, ever again be a significant person in your life. You are killing his FW life force.
So, when you feel like making him central, or the injustice he’s inflicted on you, redirect that impulse. “I am going to think of something else. I am KILLING THE FW LIFE FORCE.” No kibbles! Perhaps not as satisfying as a baseball bat, but in the long run, far more devastating. He’s lost his chump. His steady paycheck. His true blue chaos janitor.
He’s never going to feel what you feel.
That ragey dream is a dream of frustration. WHY DOESN’T HE CARE THAT HE HURT ME? Because he’s not that deep. Because he’s a FW. If he were the kind of person who cares, he could never be Pennywise the Fuckwit Cheating Clown.
Wanting them to care is just another kind of grief. It passes, and eventually you’ll trust that he sucks.
In my dream, I got pleasure out of seeing him suffer. That’s not ok, is it?
I’m not going to judge your dreams. Are you having a Nazi rally in Madison Square Garden? Do you have a public platform of hate? Internment camps or enemies from within?
Oh no, Tracy was political!
Yes, I was. I have lots of ragey feelings about a certain orange candidate, which I shall express at the ballot box, as I hope you all will as well.
And that’s what we do with our rage.
Find a positive outlet for change.
Think of all the happy years you have ahead without him. You’re building a new life. Pennywise is in the rearview mirror.
The bad dreams fade. I once had vivid dreams of gutting my cheater like a fish, stem to stern. I still have the occasional nightmare that he’s trying to kill me. Then I wake up, next to my husband, in my much better life.
Your much better life is out there too. Keep moving toward it.
The rise of Trump and my personal divorce taking place contemporaneously has, in my case, added another layer of surrealness to an already surreal situation. It’s meta. I am divorcing one irrational, cruel, delusional man while the country is being torn apart by another.
I suspect there’s probably a predictable historical pattern where the rise of political tyranny of all flavors (whether totalitarian right or totalitarian left) emboldens all the rapey apes hiding among us and rates of domestic abuse and sexual assault consequently soar… though you could never expect those administrations to accurately report this.
There’s even a film on this theme set in the Pinochet era from Chilean writer-director Pablo Larrain titled Post Mortem which I think attempts to illustrate why even some men from economic classes who have the most to lose under dictatorship will support it– because somewhere in our primordial lizard brains everyone knows it will be easier to get away with abuse and rape under those regimes. It makes perfect sense from the perspective that individual sexual violence is simply a more frank expression of what these regimes metaphorically do.
Of course that doesn’t mean all the creeps who opportunistically run amok under autocracy even supported those political platforms. Some might hypocritically oppose them. And it certainly doesn’t mean everyone who supports autocracy is a secret rapist. Some are drawn to the usual utopian social and economic promises and some are simply voting in anger and disappointment against weak or corrupt or hypocritical liberal parties. But I still think latent creeps sense they’ll be more free to let their freak flags fly under violent authoritarianism.
I think the rape/dictatorship analogy is kind of an obsession with Larrain since all his films carry that subtext to differing degrees from his first indy film Fuga (where the theme is explicit) to Princess Di biopic Spencer (more subtle) to the most recent political horror flick El Conde (vampirism as metaphoric rape). But nobody needed metaphors under Trump since one of the first things the administration did was sneakily weaken the definition of domestic violence in the Violence Against Women Act:
The previous definition [of DV] included critical components of the phenomenon that experts recognize as domestic abuse—a pattern of deliberate behavior, the dynamics of power and control, and behaviors that encompass physical or sexual violence as well as forms of emotional, economic, or psychological abuse. But in the Trump Justice Department, only harms that constitute a felony or misdemeanor crime may be called domestic violence. So, for example, a woman whose partner isolates her from her family and friends, monitors her every move, belittles and berates her, or denies her access to money to support herself and her children is not a victim of domestic violence in the eyes of Trump’s Department of Justice.
Me too. Unsurprisingly, Pennywise LOVES Trump. He admires bullies, and mistakes cruelty for strength.
The lies, abuse, & gaslighting. Chumps know this man & that he will get worse. Vote for your daughters & granddaughters. Vote for competence & vote blue. 💙
Me too. The only difference between me and Former Wife of Pennywise is that she’s only a few months into the divorce process, while my divorce has been final for about four years now. I can control my rage during the day when I’m awake, but I have the worst nighgtmares — and I cannot watch the news at all. There used to be a joke about George HW Bush reminding too many women of their first husbands — but today, it’s Trump who reminds us of our first husbands.
Wow and I thoughI was the only human alive not pain shopping watching the news. Yes I see the feeds and top stories but I don’t need to see war, crazies, horrors and political people lying to me. I had that through 2 marriages. That’s enough for me
Same. My therapist said she’s seen a tremendous number of patients who’ve been triggered. And talk about eating cake! (“cheaters prefer a competition in which they are the center of attention”)
We should have had a respite for the past four years, but no, he incited an insurrection.
The Dave Bautista video is my fantasy.
Chumpty, the first Trump administration was horrible for me. It was a couple of years after my divorce and he reminded me so much of my ex.
George Conway of the Anti-Psychopath PAC says that the people who immediately recognized how horrible and dangerous Trump is were mostly psychologists, people who had studied military history, and abused wives.
He forgot 95% of Native Americans, people of colour and Black people. We were well aware.
Me too! in 2016, he had just filed for divorce ( my thing was to make him do it, no mediation, he destroyed our marriage and he needed to take responsibility, I also was spending his money as much as I could until he filed, because I discovered he had been hiding hundreds of thousands of dollars with his family for years- like half a million of more, so I was not hurrying the divorce) and I was watching the election of Trump, dumbfounded but then thought- this is him. This is why he is the way he is, it all makes sense. People are crazy and suck. Psychos and their power trips and disregard for the horror they cause.
That was me!I fit two of these categories! I recognized Trump and the MAGA movement were dangerous straight away — my dad was a political prisoner in Siberia who wrote a book about his direct experience with authoritarianism.
And I think I subliminally was forced to come to terms with my husband’s cheating, the unconscious knowledge of which I’d suppressed but which the Trump energy raised from the depths. To make things even more unreal, my husband was a journalist who actually reported on the Trump University scam and had the distinction of being screamed at by Trump’s attack dog at the time, Michael Cohen. Funny that now Cohen has come to the side of reason while my journalist husband has embraced the nihilism and delusion. Trump’s appeal is to the collective unconscious.
(Side note: Former New Jerseyite here and have been trying to make sense of the Kellyanne/George Conway dynamic for a long time…! ) (I’m team George!)
I would not be the least bit surprised if George’s study of psychopathy led him to see that Kellyanne has some Cluster B traits as well. If you didn’t know, they have divorced. I’m a huge fan of George. Huge.
(Also, Former Wife of Pennywise, I had that rage from my unconscious too. It’s normal! Hang in there.)
One of my former friends advised me to put my anger into cleaning my house. She was a bad friend but it was good advice. When that anger bubbles up, I use it constructively.
FW left behind literally hundreds of moving/shipping boxes, many empty, that packed our garage from floor to ceiling. Then-tween and I spent the summer sorting through the junk piles and boxes, setting aside his stuff for FW’s friends to pick up, then flattening the rest. Tween and I now have space for our car and his workshop.
I discovered that tween was spraying-painting the boxes with FW’s name and various phrases (liar, cheater, thief), then pitchforking and stabbing them. Checked with therapists, who said it was cathartic and to allow it. His rage was justified; FW had abused him and was secretly calling tween and threatening us, a long story I’ve told here before.
QUESTION: Over three dozen boxes were mostly empty except for the same weird combination of trash: one piece of FW’s worn-out underwear, either an undershirt or briefs, often torn or with holes; a clean, empty plastic food container, mostly Hershey’s cocoa and Philadelphia cream cheese; one or a few random old tools, often rusty, such as screwdrivers, paintbrush rollers, etc. Does this combo make sense to anyone?
With that assortment of objects as a pattern, I (unfortunately) can picture a fetish scenario.
Those box contents sound like mental illness of some kind. Bizarre.
Sounds like the lazy idiot couldn’t figure out where the trash was. And of course, they left THEIR mess to be cleaned up by the people they betrayed. Typical.
Although he definitely left a lot of messes to be cleaned up, this seemed very deliberate. The containers were washed, and other than the tools, there was only one of each item (HIS old underwear and container) in each large box. Unless he bought the used plastic food containers, he did this over several years. I’ve wondered if it was some sort of sexual or violence fetish. He had several boxes/bags full of other rags.
No, that combo does not make any sense at all. I’ve come to the conclusion that FWs are just weird and random.
Hey Chump Nation, OP here!
Thanks for running my letter CL- it’s reassuring to know that what I’m feeling is OK- especially after so many years of being told I’m “hysterical”, hypersensitive” and (his favorite insult) a “crazy cunt”. I know my fellow chumps know that drill- you get to a point where you have no trust left in your own feelings.
I’m not normally an angry person at all, can’t watch scary violent movies, or anything that shows anyone being hurt or humiliated- especially children or animals, things like that upset me terribly. So that dream REALLY terrified me. Especially because I enjoyed hurting him so much.
So it’s great to know that I’m OK! Things are slowly getting so much better. I have days when I feel so much happiness and relief, the dark days are getting fewer and farther between, and I’ve started my own side business doing IT consulting work, which is going extremely well!!
Now if I can just get Pennywise served and divorced!! He’s going to make my life difficult until the bitter end, that fuckwit.
But Tuesday is out there! Thanks and so much appreciation to all of Chump Nation!!!
If it helps, anger isn’t necessarily a violent emotion.
Anger is a part of you that loves you, that gives you a rush of energy to prioritize yourself and your needs. Anger can fuel activism, passion, it helps us set boundaries and protect ourselves.
You don’t have to feel ashamed of caring about yourself and wanting to protect yourself. You are not out there hurting him, bashing in his head for real, or harming others. It is normal and healthy to feel damned angry after a deep hurt like this.
It may come in waves, like the ocean, ride through it, let it move through you. Move your body, go for a run, the gym with a punching bag, write out everything you wish you could say on paper them rip it to peaces. Take some symbolic object out back and smash it. Clean your home, scrub a pan, find a safe private place and scream. It’s just you coming alive into your body again and reclaiming it as being valuable and worthy of protection.
Don’t live there forever, but it’s ok to let it protect you for a while, then keep it like a guard dog to remind yourself that you are worthy of justice, love, and care.
That insult of his is enough all by itself to dream of bludgeoning him. IMHO.
Hi Maggie! The rage is totally normal! What really helped me keep my sanity (and out of jail for assault, lol) was a boxing gym. The workout was exhausting, but hitting the trainers mitts was so cathartic. I really let myself go, making all the ugly grunts while punching until I couldn’t punch anymore. Workouts were sometimes followed up with primal screams or just heaving sobs in the car. It’s a process getting all those emotions come out, but getting them out lets you get through them.
One thing to add… those waves of anger may still come up years later sometimes when you think about how you were treated. A lot of the shitty things you let go at the time will come back and you will get righteously angry! That’s ok too. Healing isn’t a one and done process. As you heal you will feel differently about things you experienced and will process that stuff all over again. It’s a journey but better days are ahead! I hope you can serve his ass soon and get on with it!
MaggieT- this nightmare of yours is progress! I had violent fantasies during the DAY and endless nightmares and night terrors-waking screaming in the night and kicking off my sheets and blankets. The nightmares were usually him lying to me, and giving me that gleeful side eye he would give me when he lied, and I would not be able to scream, that dream thing where you are trying to scream and you can’t. I had a breakthrough of sorts 2 years ago. My nightmares had subsided for a while, but then returned. I told my therapist that I dreaded sleep. Then one night, I had a dream that I actually killed him. Stabbed him violently to death. I told my therapist and his eyes widened and he said “you’ve changed”. And that was a turning point for me. Everything Tracy says is gold like always. It took so long for me to deal with the shame, and the shame at being angry- which is not bitter! It is power!- and understand that I was righteous! And he was shit. He shamed me endlessly in Wreckonciliation for my anger, this, before I knew about his lying cheating life of years and I was just angry at him for endlessly humiliating me and putting me down and so on. Your dreams are you healing! Congratulations on making progress and I wish you all the best- and it is coming- in your life of freedom! You may, like me, still have moments(I am ashamed of this! I then recognize the shame..shame sucks!) of sorrow and even confusion (how bad am I?) but the freedom heals, as does your unconscious letting you have all the violence you need to break free. You are processing trauma. You are on your way to a better life!
Godspeed on the divorce, Maggie. I hope that when he finally is served, it’s in public, in front of some schmoopie.
It sounds like you have already built a great new life. Chumps tend to thrive away from the FW, but the opposite is not true. There is some comfort in the knowledge that the FW is so feckless s/he will fuck up his/her life over and over. Your STBXH sounds like the kind of abject loser who can be relied upon to ruin his life.
Yep, I was hardly out of the driveway before he moved his skank into my home and my bed. That hurt like crazy for the first six months, I was really a sobbing barely functional mess.
Now I just feel mildly sorry for her, I know what she’s in for. She is actually helping him dodge the process server, she’s his little lookout, lets him know whenever a strange car shows up, so he can hide in the basement. Loser.
Sounds like she’s going to get what she deserves, honestly.
I don’t understand women who help an abusive dipshit hurt another woman thinking they’re somehow not the next target.
“she’s his little lookout, lets him know whenever a strange car shows up, so he can hide in the basement. Loser”– now there’s an image that makes it easy to trust that they suck! Mutually assured dysfunction.
“Mutually assured dysfunction.” LOVE IT! I’m forever after going to think of my closeted ex and the woman he’s with now in those terms.
The rage came in waves. It was bad when we were selling the house, and I had to deal with what he left behind and keeping it nice for showing. I would seriously go over there and yell at times. We sold it during a long-distance separation, before the attorneys got involved.
At first I was so overwhelmed by the divorce process and all the feelings that I froze, but I had a very passionate divorce attorney who liked to yell and pound the conference table over the injustice. At first that scared me, eventually I embraced it. He told me to come to appointments with what in the current state of divorce negotiations made me mad, and that helped.
Once the judge signed off, I felt very meh and actually felt sorry for my ex. What a wreck of a human being! Then he amped it up again during closeout, and my opinions about him tanked even further. I’ve never really felt the anger since, but yes, anger is certainly appropriate in this situation and can be channeled to get past the ruins of our relationships.
Healing begins after divorce and you’re still technically his wife.
I agree that the temporary phase of violent dreams which focus on the head/face are a response to our own thoughts and words being dismissed.
Move forward with the divorce and as many positive physical changes, as possible. Look back on each day and point to a healthier, tidier and serene environment. Move your body to settings which nurture and support your independence.
Take back control.
My RAGE at 2 cheaters was put into leaving#2.. packing up my stuff, moving immediately after looking for an apartment. My rage helped me call 911 instead of explaining again why I locked him out. Why I didn’t want any more marriage counseling from bozos who knew nothing about abuse. I am using my daily quota of rage to power myself into a healthy life. I walk outside, I use a calorie counting app. I lift light weights I use my rage to power away from Switzerland friends, to finding another church, to protecting myself. In other words I USE the steam of rage to keep me healthy, safe and smarter. Away from abusers. Hey that’s a good use for a lifetime of rage…I’ll let God be the ultimate judge. Karma is too iffy for me. Livece well my angry friends that is the best revenge, it is well worth it to me, to be free at last.
Love this. Rage is often necessary after abuse. It’s energy toward healing.
Exactly…I leave the anger to simmer on the back of the stove on low..until I need it for any self preserving action. That same ANGER AT MYSELF I channel into taking such good care of myself and my self worth to never ever devalue MYSELF ever again. You can’t stay with a cheating abuser without abysmal self worth and self care. I have a long way to go to REVERSE my own self abuse staying with a creep.who could act the role of a doting husband. I need my daily liar vaccine and it’s all in Self ❤️ love from God who always loved me into health and the courage..the courage to leave at age 35 and again at 69. Yep, I love this brave gal!
Love this. Anger is so not “feminine” and is so demonized and yet, it is how we use it and why we use it that matters. It is a necessary emotion ( remember teaching my sons this when they were little!) and if directed properly, so useful in self care.
2 months after D day, I moved into a 55 plus apartment. There I met an ancient retired nurse whom I got to know. I told her my story..months later she asked how I was…I answered, oh much better . And she said Good, because anger Does not become you!! I didn’t know what to say at that moment but later I texted her. I said, oh my dear anger is how I escaped, anger is how I packed and moved. My anger SAVED MY LIFE….!! She said, you’re right I’m sorry.
Love this. Bless her for understanding.
Former Wife of Pennywise,
I used to try and divert any rage that Ex-Mrs LFTT generated in me into some form of positive outcome. I did a lot of rage induced cleaning, gardening, laundry, car washing/hoovering etc …… you name it I “raged” it. As time went by, and our divorce was eventually finalised, I found that Ex-Mrs LFTT had less and less leverage over me and that I needed to do this less and less, until I barely needed to do it at all.
The thing that I learned in all of this surprised me; the opposite of love is not hate (which I imagine is what you are feeling towards your FW at the moment), but blind indifference. It took me time to get there, and time to understand it, but here I am! And I suspect that you will find a point in your future when you find yourself there too.
LFTT
Thanks LFTT
I’ve enjoyed reading all your posts on your journey to Mighty Mehness, you’ve been quite an inspiration to me
I do feel a great deal of anger towards him now, every time I think of the hurt I’ve seen on the faces of my children over the years because of his indifference to them, every time I think of his staring at me in silence them walking away as I sobbed and begged him to please talk to me about why he was doing the things he was doing while still telling me he loved me.
Most days I focus on moving forward, and try not to think of him at all. I think I do need to acknowledge how angry I am, so I can process it and then put that energy into my new life.
My two cents, rage is cathartic. It doesn’t feel that way at first, because it consumes everything. I remember the rage would take control of my entire body and mind, as if I were possessed. It frightened me. We’re not used to feeling out of control, especially women.
But the anger turned out to be a good friend. Not a nice one, but a reliable one. She got me out of bed in the morning, she made me stop taking shit from assholes, she pushed me to get therapy and find a better job.
The next time my ex tried harassing me, the rage pushed me to finally tell the truth to a few key members of our community. The news took off like wildfire and in short order Fuckwit lost his job and his social standing. Now he’s terrified of me and avoids me like the plague, because he knows I will fuck his shit up if he messes with me again.
(This was years after his discard, and I know it’s not always safe to engage. But in my case, it was appropriate and it worked.)
You’re still in the thick of it, still married to this loser, AND he’s still trying to control you by thwarting the divorce. Of course you’re pissed! Rage is a healthy response to ongoing disrespect.
Once you’re free, I think you’ll find it burns itself out over time, like a forest fire deprived of fuel. In the meantime, channel it and use it for yourself and your kid. It can push you to level up at work, renovate a house, do all the things your fuckwit held you back from doing.
Maggie,
Thank you for your kind words about my scribblings here. The fact that they have helped you means that the things that I have learned on my journey are (via CL’s auspices) are making things easier for others …. which is all that any of us who have made progress towards recovering from what our FWs have done can ask for.
Best of luck.
LFTT
You’re one of my favorites, too! We guy-chumps have to stick together! It feels good to give back, doesn’t it?
Jeff,
It does and it’s one of the reasons why I still come here.
I found it incredibly cathartic when I realised that my posts here had largely transitioned from “Here’s something that Ex-Mrs LFTT did ….. how the f*ck do I process it and how the f*ck do I deal with it?” to “Here’s something that I learned courtesy of Ex-Mrs LFTT’s f*ckwittery that might help someone else deal with what it is that they are dealing with.”
That said, it’s also very validating when someone confirms that the thing that your Ex did that you thought was off the charts crazy was, indeed, off the charts crazy.
LFTT
Hey Maggie T– congratulations on your mightiness! But it wouldn’t be a betrayal of that, or an admission of weakness if you did go to get some kind of therapy. Find a therapist you really rock with and spill out some of that rage. Beats holding it in, or crushing skulls in your dreams. Jedi hugs!
I feel rage when I pay double for gas n groceries because of incompetent politicians.
It really pisses me off when i see billions spent overseas and paying to keep illegal immigrants when Americans in Hawaii and North Carolina suffer.
I feel rage that this post has nothing to do with being chumped.
(help! I just broke Tracy’s rule, “if it feels good don’t do it”)
I’m ok not discussing politics but you open the door then….
I’m with you, Marco. I’m probably one of the only AmericaFirst followers that reads Chump Lady and while we don’t agree politically, she’s okay by me. She does too much good for CN for me to spout off about her politics. Off base as I think she may be.
I’m infuriated by prices and how much $$$ have been sent overseas when there is need right here. And illegals taking jobs that Americans can do.
What, picking vegetables in fields? We have full employment, dear. And no American is going to do farm labor. They are taking jobs no American will DO. And I support the Ukrainian people so Putin doesn’t move in to the other former Soviet countries.
You don’t understand prices or supply/demand nor the economics of recovering from a global pandemic nor how the billionaires have gotten RICHER off of exploiting the middle class and demonizing the poor.
Perfect example of a stupid American.
Without wishing to hijack this important thread on a cogent aspect of healing I feel, and I say this gently, you are railing against the wrong target: Prices are a reflection of supply and demand in a stable, untainted market. The supply.of commodities has been interrupted by several wars currently raging across the globe and unscrupulous companies, many of whom have market monopolies, are price gouging the consumer while sanctimoniously mouthing ” it’d not us it’s Vivid and now Ukraine and Gaza. If you really want to see unchecked inflation, just look up what tariffs accomplish, and then ask yourself which candidate is promoting tarrifs! Nuff said…it is similar in many ways to how I raged against my wife’s AP when the true target of my ire was and is Mrs Waitedfartoolong.
I’d agree that the markets are manipulated, Waitedfartoolong. And our “statesmen” are responsible for it. Ask yourself why.
I’t’s not because the corporations/businesses aren’t paying their fair share. They don’t pay taxes. Ever. They just pass it along to their customers in higher prices and to their employees in the form of lower wages and decreased benefits. Getting rid of federal income taxes and corporate taxes in their entirety and replacing them with tariffs will force corporations to build factories here. For Americans to take advantage of new jobs. And Americans will have more $$$ in their pockets if they get to keep what they earn. Taxation is theft.
I can quote chapter and verse on Austrian economics. Even Keynes (as wrong as he was). I’m very well versed in economic policy, tax policy and American history so I know where to lay blame. This country originally was run off tariffs and we had so much money we didn’t know how to spend it all. Really. Look it up. (Not Wikipedia. Or MSM. Or universities. It’s crap. You’ll have to dig deep but it’s there.)
Why the hell do we even have to pay taxes? They can just print it and send it to the IRS for us! Don’t get me started on the Federal Reserve and fiat money. Or we’ll be here all week, lol.
Those corrupt ba$tards in D.C. and your state capitols have screwed us royally. And we let them! Like we let our former spouses eff us over.
Don’t believe me? Just look at the divorce laws these days. How many in CN put up with FW nonsense because it’s “the law”? Who makes the laws? Your legislatures. Talk about eating a shit sandwich! They make laws to protect themselves from their spouses and protect their graft. It’s so infuriating!
Granted, most of them have been compromised. And they don’t want any of that coming out. And this isn’t the place to discuss all that. But it’s there to see if you’re willing to “go down the rabbit hole” and find out.
I’m sorry you’re here. I’m sorry I’m here. I’m certain that you are a nice man. Just like our nice hostess, Chump Lady. Our politics aren’t the same, but who the hell cares? We’re Chumps. We’re fixers. It’s who we are. We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t think it was fixable.
(Glad it was Pennywise you were dealing with-he got beat by a turtle and a bunch of people that were branded as “losers.” You know, just like him!)
I had a clinical director tell me once that anger is a secondary emotion-a combination of fear and frustration. I don’t know how much I agree with that but it makes a lot of sense. Anger is a reactive emotion-we didn’t just wake up one day pissed off. Something has to trigger it.
Where I am in my healing process and understanding of same-anger is honestly perfectly reasonable. Every single one of us here reading this today went through the gaslighting and varying degrees of emotional abuse from our fuckwits(to say nothing of what society puts on us for “letting your marriage fail.”) We were CONVINCED that it was our fault-our shortcomings-that got us to this point. We demonstrate progress through the healing process by getting angry-“no, YOU’RE the one that’s at fault!”
And let’s be honest-most of our fuckwits were extremely likely to be controlling, manipulative, and invalidating. It’s kind of what the do. Mine went out of her way to invalidate me emotionally and tell me I was being irrational(or needed more therapy) at ANY display of an emotion that was not “fake it ’til I make it.” I second-guessed my anger for MONTHS after D-Day because of all of the invective that came my way for even HAVING emotions(being told I was abusing her by having trauma symptoms in her proximity? Yeah. That).
Your anger is coming back because your sense of self is also coming back. You are giving yourself permission to feel things and feel rational about things again. It is going to feel raw because those parts probably atrophied in favor of somebody else’s imposed false reality.
You need to give yourself permission to feel it. Because you are human and you are allowed. If people tell you that you shouldn’t be angry or don’t have the right to be-you probably should be angry at THEM for being invalidating.
And you have every right and reason to be angry. Quite frankly I’d be a little more concerned about you if you weren’t. Your life is upended, you are questioning your reality and your choices just like the rest of us-to say nothing of “oh by the way there’s another little human you made together that is on the tether that is ALSO going through some things”.
I wouldn’t judge myself too much about dreams you have or the occasional dark fantasy. You’re human. You are permitted to visualize all manner of horrors. People are allowed to have thoughts. Full stop. There really is no room in our culture for thought policing. Thinking is how we higher order beings reason through why we should or shouldn’t do certain things. We extrapolate the process and if we are satisfied with just the thought, great!
It’s when those thoughts become actions is the problem.
What sets us apart from our fuckwits is that they visualized something horrible and then acted on it. They didn’t get as far as “what are the likely consequences of this”.
As our fearless leader suggests, try and find a positive outlet for it and make it work FOR you instead of AGAINST you. Anger can be a powerful source of inspiration when used correctly.
You’ve got this! We are here for you!
Have a Mighty Monday!
YES to all this.
you know, i had a scary dream at 18 months out, too. it involved stabbing my X. it was scary as fuck. i went to my therapist and did a bit of EMDR around it and it really helped. i understand how you’re feeling. it’s unnerving.
do you have a therapist to talk to?
as for regular sized anger, i say use it constructively with exercise, daily chores like cleaning, etc. etc. i’ve also been known to burn things in the fire pit in the backyard, an activity that i find SATISFYING. copies of documents, photos, assorted stuff. i’ve written things down and burned the papers, too.
speaking of therapy, i’ve got an 1100h appointment.
I’ve considered it, but it is hard as heck to find a competent therapist these days.
I had to find one for my daughter when all this happened, and it took months to find someone qualified who was taking new patients. I ended up paying out of pocket because the good one we eventually found doesn’t take my insurance. Well worth it though, she is also doing much better now.
I also had a few unpleasant experiences with marriage counseling over the years. We tried three times- each time I ended up feeling like I was getting all the blame, because I was so “emotional”. Pennywise can be very charming, and appeared completely normal and rational during sessions, while I was a sobbing mess. They all fell for it.
Honestly, I’ve gotten more help and validation from CL and CN than I’ve ever gotten from the “experts”
Wreckoncilation practitioners compound the abuse. Glad you figured that out! The worst! But a therapist for yourself can do wonders, if you get the right one. Coming here has been like free group therapy for me.
I frequently rail against marriage counseling anytime someone brings it up. They’ve actually done studies that it’s a medium with terrible “success” and satisfaction rates. Makes sense, two people with their own set of problems and likely very different goals trying to move forward with one counselor? I always tell people to stay away from couple’s counseling and spend their time and money on a good individual therapist instead.
That was what my therapist said. She nailed it by saying many, many times that he’s not going to change and is getting worse. So what are YOU going to do with that?
But of course, I held on too long, hoping he’d get the right therapist and we’d do marriage counseling that would truly fix things. Neither ever happened.
Ending the marriage was the answer.
The rage is unexpected at times.
The Australian family court maze is a long drawn out process of discovery, process service, hearings, the registrar saying ‘ let’s give him one last opportunity’ and back on the merry go round again.
I’ve spent all weekend drafting yet another lot of papers and I’m ready to see some God damned consequences.
Rage at the lies, rage at the cowardice, rage at the continuing court sanctioned abuse…..yeah there’s a little of that.
Rage is fuel to get the job done, to get over the line, to take back my life.
Don’t be scared of it- Channel rage and make it work for you.
I was pissed off how the Dems fucked over Biden and swore I wouldn’t vote in this election. I changed my mind and early voted for Cackling Kamala.
My Grandpa came home from WWII fucked up in the head. He slept in a closet for 3 months with a shotgun in his hands. I cannot fathom what Grammy dealt with after he was home.
I hate the bastard and hope he doesn’t win. But…if he does…life will go on. Pissed off…yes. Worried about the Red Hat Nazi…no. I’ll still be thankful I’m in this country. He tried it J6 and America didn’t stumble.
Just my opinion.
Hey Maggie,
You’re normal! If Carrie Underwood can make a videoclip for “Before He Cheats” smashing his car with a baseball bat and make money from it, we all can dream 😉
I signed up for (white-collar) boxing lessons ten days after FW left me because I really wanted to hurt him, but that’s illegal. Turned out to be really good for me emotionally and physically. So something good came out from a rage I thought was going to consume me.
PS. Do not “dig your keys into the side” of your FW’s car. They do not deserve kibbles. Like CL put it, kill FW’s life force! So, so epic!
Anger. I say channel it for good! That was the recommendation of my therapist. And it really helped. I still harbor some passive anger; I wouldn’t feel bad, for instance, if his AP-turned-wife cheated on him or left him or if I found out they are unhappy together. A bit un-meh of me, I know…
This is a tangential issue: I wonder if CN can weigh in on my ex-sister-in-law’s theory that FW cheated for almost 3 years after 35 years of marriage because HE was angry. [Note: her own husband cheated on her about 10 years before. He was also a physician. He, too, cheated with a young nurse. These guys are clichés.]
Anyway, I can think of a millions reasons for his cheating, including: ego kibbles from this nurse, a sense of entitlement, the titillation of having a new and much younger sex partner, poor character, etc…but not anger.
To this day, I have no idea what she meant, and this was 5 years ago. She, unfortunately, seemed incapable of explaining her anger theory, so I just dropped it. It was like someone telling me that my roof leaked because it was a Monday. No connection that I could discern.
Anyway, this might fall under the category of untangling the skein, and I’m not losing sleep over this. Still, I’m curious and throwing it out there in case someone in CN has theories.
Oh, let me share the Anger thing that I experienced with you. My 53 yr old FW got fired from his dream job where people fed him Narc kibbles all day, every day, and he lost it! Blamed me for his job loss and decided to get even with me by cheating! He said he blamed me for that and everything that had ever happened in our marriage (which he did all the bad shit) and was getting revenge. What a fucking A-hole! So yeah, narcissists can get Angry and dish out punishment in the form of cheating because the know it would hurt their partner the worst! Mine fully admitted it!
I think they are angry, it comes from imagining that they are trapped in a marriage for decades they don’t want to be in. They resent us for that and harbor a deep well of anger for cornering them into such a situation. They want their wings to fly, they see us as the reason they can’t fly, we grounded them and they hate us for that.
The cheating, I see, is vengeance and revenge for our having locked them into a common, ordinary life.
They are SO not ordinary to their own thinking!
The loving wife, beautiful family, and the trappings they see of a mundane existence are so below the caliber of their amazingness.
They could live a thousand different lives ( this is what I was told by my ex FW) they deserve to have the freedom to move on to another one without any consequences whatsoever.
They could never ever be a run of the mill boring husband and father, that’s beneath the bar they have set for themselves.
They deserve a life of constant adventure and change. It is all about their journey, the only one that matters to them.
They will never tire of being adored and admired by ppl who don’t even know them.
Any attention is attention. It fills their tank, superficial admiration will do just fine they are not looking for true bonding or intimacy with anyone.
To be a real human being with love and compassion, empathy, providing safety and security to your children and living a reciprocal loving life with another?
Hell no!! They don’t want any part of that. They are too special for that crap.
They can’t be contained in that category, they live in the undefined sphere.
They are one of a kind and refused to be pidgeon holed into any one role.
They see their capture as our fault.
They will get back at us for locking them into that role. We have them trapped and they want out.
Cheating is one of the many ways they seek revenge.
I think there is always an undercurrent of anger in them, caused by us of course.
At least this was true of my ex.
The anger was just below the surface all the time.
Enjoyed your podcast with Sarah, CL. Great job as always! Unbelievable some of the discovery cheating stories, so trauma inducing for those chumps. So surreal for all of us!
I can remember crawling across to the other side of the bed to retrieve his iPhone after I spent so much time watching him log in with the passcode.
Making believe I was sleeping, then sideways glancing over at him from my eye slits. Locking the positions of his finger movements in my brain long enough till he fell asleep. ( I doubt I got any sleep at all!)
I could then get up and try it out.
The light on the iPhone is so bright when you unplug it, it comes on like a beacon. Had to be careful to remember to flip the phone face down on the bedside table, so it didn’t wake him up.
He was a very light sleeper and he was never more than a foot or two away from his phone, either awake or asleep.
It felt like I was an armed robber at a bank, hoping not to get caught by the cops. Unreal times! 😳
BTW: Teslas are really nice cars! My son’s sales job has switched over to them for the entire company. My son absolutely loves it. It is like a space ship, so next level technology. Very cool!
I see Elon as a positive force for our world. He may be guilty of infidelity, as is Trump and so is Harris.
If we ruled out all the cheating politicians and billionaires, we would have no one at all to vote for or support.
Come to think of it, I like that idea best of all! No governmental or media corruption or lies to continually try to decipher where the actual truth might lie. I’m so tired of getting lied to in my life. It’s so exhausting!
Who actually cares about our country?! Or who are just the cogs in the corrupt puppeteering machine who care solely about power and money? You don’t know and neither do I is the actual truth. We have to decide from what we are fed, it isn’t enough information.
Words don’t match the actions. But it’s all enough to convince ppl who are only fed media lies that they deeply care about us. They don’t.
I hope and pray that all the hatred and finger pointing dies down these next four years, irregardless of who is elected. Not sure if that is possible though.
It’s deeply depressing to see our beautiful America being torn apart.
Nuclear annihilation is not our biggest threat. It is each other. I think we can do better.
God bless America.
🇺🇸♥️🤍💙
Thank the Goddess someone can see they’re both poisoned branches of the same death tree.
All liars out for themselves with no thought for the average person.
I don’t think cheating is caused by anger. I think the assholes cheat because they have massive egos and think they “deserve” something more/different than what they have at home.
Yes, the entitlement is real. I just don’t think that way, but that’s why I stayed so long…
I sometimes wondered if my ExFW was capable of solving any problem requiring emotional maturity. He felt anger while driving or shopping and rarely discussed differences to the point of resolution.
Anger and rage seems normal to me. I would really worry if someone wasn’t mad about their partner betraying and cheating. Early on I (calmly) used my anger to plan and then actually contact as many of the betrayal objects as possible. I let them know (not in person)calmly, that they were one of many and described the behaviors he did with them and the other ones. They were surprised, but not mad at me. They were glad to know. They had no clue they were one of many and that what he did with them, he did with many others.That felt great to me! And I made sure his family and old co-workers knew. And then, I used my anger to help myself. I worked out harder at the gym. Still do now. Heavier weights. Longer and harder races. Got a great massage therapist and I still go weekly. Got a good individual therapist,really got on the self-care train and never got off. The best revenge is success for me. Looking and feeling fabulous, doing things I like, and going where I want to go. Take that anger, and know that it is okay and that your dreams and ideas are all okay. And use that energy for yourself. Love yourself powerfully. Take care of yourself powerfully. You are worth that energy. He is not. I still have the rare flash of anger when I see or hear something that reminds me of his decades of lies and betrayal. I dance harder, text a friend to set up a lunch, or work on plans for my next trip. I urge you to virtually spit on his grave and then go dance and sing and enjoy your heart out. You are worth it. I am in my 70s and have some experience and wisdom here…it is not easy, but so worth it!
Love this
I used to regularly envision harming my FW while falling asleep. It helped me relax and feel peace. My mother was a piece of work as well. I married my mom. As a teen I would envision her head squashing like a pumpkin from stomping on it while trying to fall asleep. I am not a violent person and never done anything violent. For some reason these visualization techniques would calm me. It seems weird but I stopped questioning why my subconscious did it. It has a reason. I benefited from it and it helps me relax is all that truly matters. Maybe if I were prone to violence I would be more concerned. Now I just go with it. After awhile my mind lets the scenario go and moves onto other things. People has all sorts of unsavory thoughts throughout the day. As long as you realize its merely a fleeting thought I wouldnt read into it or let it bother you too much.
I personally wake up from dreams like that–in which I am giving my ex what he deserves–quite satisfied. I think they’re cathartic. We can’t mete out justice in real life (waking life), too many of them escape consequences for their behavior and acts (other that the divorce we impose on them), and most of us will never get the apologies they owe us. A dream is as close as we’re ever going to get.
Yes, I too am triggered by the Orange idiot! So reminds me of my FW that was professionally diagnosed with NPD, which is malignant narcissism, same that the Orange threat to Democracy! I have 6 kids (adults, but still my kids) and I worry so much about them and what would happen if he gets into the White House again. I voted BLUE on Friday!
I also had vivid dreams (and still do, just not as often) about what the FW did to me. One of them was I was being raped by my FW and his affair partner, only they looked different, were movie stars! (don’t want to insult the movie stars that they were by naming them). I kept begging them to stop, but they only kept going and laughed. That was so weird and disturbing at the same time.
And then of course, I had dreams of him getting into car wrecks and being pushed off into the river. And I had several where I was winning in court by getting all his money and he was homeless! Lots of stuff I thought would cause him pain, the type of pain I felt. He attacked and strangled me when I saw the cheating on his phone and I had TONS of dreams of him being hauled off to jail and the cops being real “rough” with him, getting out of the cop car all bloody and banged up and then guys in jail beating him up too.
Totally normal to think this and dream this, but like Tracy says, you don’t DO it. That’s the difference between us and the FW’s…they dream of this stuff and then DO it to us! Crappy people!!
He attacked and strangled me when I saw the cheating on his phone
You didn’t mention calling the police. I didn’t when FW attacked me and knocked me unconscious after I found the financial evidence. For years I beat myself up because I had tween call friends instead of police. The assault and falling for an online romance scam seemed so out of character that I thought FW must be having a stroke, brain tumor, etc. Friends came immediately and convinced me not to call police. I discovered they were his friends. not mine or ours, and then I discovered abuse IS his real character. So if you didn’t call police, don’t blame yourself. We are in shock and not thinking clearly after an attack.
Oh, and I forgot to say – I also thought mine had dementia or a brain tumor or something wrong with his brain, and we even went as far as paying for brain scans. Turns out no dementia, just the brain pattern of a psychopaths. Low blood flow to the prefrontal cortex and a few other areas that psychopaths have. Scary stuff. Sleeping with the enemy for 30 years and didn’t even know it!
I did not call the police and still kick myself to this day. I wish I had, he very much deserved to be arrested and should have gone to jail for attempted murder. I was SO traumatized that I reacted with immediate denial. Two weeks later the denial ended and I was consumed with the rage! OMG, so angry! Lots of screaming in his face! But I never laid a finger on him, not even when the attack happened, not a mark on him, yet I was bruised head to toe. It was one of our kids that suggested that I take pictures a few days later, to record the attack in photos and also write out the account, He and his brother were in the house and were also witnesses (and also traumatized by everything he did).
The other reason I didn’t call the police is that I was a stay at home mom our entire marriage and didn’t have a job, no income. I was so distraught by the infidelity and abuse, that I couldn’t even see straight, let alone contemplate running out the door and getting a job. The most horrible experience of my life, and I have been abused my entire life by men (and a few women)! It took me 3 years of therapy to get my shit together, get an income, pay off debt and ditch the FW!
Thanks for the kind words. People that are chumps understand, but people that aren’t give the callous and zero empathy question, “why didn’t you just leave?”
OH my are you normal with the rage. I fantasized that he’d wrap his precious car around a tree and be in a comma where he could hear everything, just not be able to move, and I whispered in his ear…. “How does it feel to be hurt and numb like you can’t get rid of the pain and wish you’d just die mfer?” Good riddance!
Whew doggie! I had that same thought in my head over and over……and yes it did scare me somewhat, bc I am not a violent person whatsoever. He’s still my kid’s dad and they have to have a relationship with him I guess…. but they are adults so. That was last summer. I still hate him and what he did to our family, but I just now wish him bad joojoo and not the death thing! Progress? Maybe!
I got scared too. I also am not a mean person normally, but man, when you are hit so hard by the cheating and FW abuse, it just brings out the worst in people. But that is on THEM! But now I try to just remind myself that Karma is coming for him and will serve up the best revenge than a mere human can! A higher power will get him!
An hour ago heard a therapist advise this for victims of abuse:
Take a sheet of paper, write, “I am am so ANGRY at/about…” then fill it, and as many pages as needed.
Then take another sheet of paper and write, “What I am REALLY angry about is…” and fill out that one, too.
She said it’s cathartic to get it all out on paper, and that it’s surprising how much people hold in instead of acknowledging. Putting it down helps people see they are right to be angry.
My first therapist had me try to write in a journal. All it turned out to be was me screaming my pain out onto paper and seemed to just make me feel worse, not better! It has been 3 years and I still have not been able to go back and look at what I wrote. Maybe I will get to Meh eventually and be able to look at it, but I can’t right now.
I wrote my stuff down but don’t look at it.But getting it on paper helped me. It felt like a release and evidence of my pain. But every one is different. I really want to do scream therapy too. HAHA.
Reading comments about rage and dreams about cars . . .
I found out about the affair and quietly got my ducks in a row for two months, to gain some control and protect my kids. Two hellish months of no sleep and no eating.
One night during that time, in the middle of the night, I went into the garage with a paper clip that I had opened. I went to the front bumper of his fancy, big ego car and scratched into the paint over and over again. It was in a place that he wouldn’t notice, it felt really good, and I probably got some sleep that night.
I had fantasies about eX losing everything, losing his friends, losing his kids, losing his “great guy” reputation, losing his job, losing all his stuff, losing his part of the settlement, filing bankruptcy, ending up with nothing, ending up literally homeless and all alone with nothing but mountains of borrowed and stolen money.. and prostitutes.
Haha yes!
I can understand that and have thought the same. 😆
And the prostitutes don’t love him, so losing any and all love (not that he would necessarily care).
I don’t dream or fantasize about it, but I have regular flashes of of seeing myself slamming FW’s face into a wall. It is definitely disturbing. I also walk around most of the day with a tight band wrapped around my stomach and chest where the unending rage just sits and festers. It’s so exhausting. So much of my energy is drained away into destroying my own body because there’s no outlet.
Mehitable, in response to your comments, and for what it’s worth, I’ve always liked you (it’s funny how we get a sense of one another online) – and I’ve valued the wisdom of many of your observations.
I’m not a citizen of your country, so I won’t comment on US politics. I have some broad views, but it wouldn’t be useful for me to share them here.
The Chump experience transcends age/race/political affiliation/gender and sexual orientation. It’s truly bi-partisan, – yay us 😃we’re an inclusive demographic by virtue of our shared experience.
We all benefit from one another’s insights on the topic.
For that reason, I hope that you do continue to post.
Hi Mehitable. South African Chump here, so I’m in no position to comment on US politics.
I always appreciate your comments on this site ❤️
Hey CN! Just wanted to thank everyone for their comments, they are so helpful, and provide a quick update-
HE GOT SERVED!!
A very smart process server gave up trying to serve him at home, and nailed him while he was taking his whore out for dinner (at McDonalds, I hope they both get salmonella)
I know this because I received an email rant – he is OUTRAGED that I have embarrassed him and vows to “make me sorry I was ever born”
I did NOT reply, just forwarded it to my lawyer. Such a relief that this can now move forward!!
Feeling rage can be a normal response to an extreme offense. The important thing is not to act out physically on it. Not only because it’s dangerous and illegal, but because of what it does in your brain. Several years ago therapists came up with the hypothesis that their very angry patients could “release their rage” by, for example, hitting a plush toy meant to represent the person they were mad at. Patients reported that it felt good. “Rage rooms” are based on the same concept. Researchers studied the practice and concluded that it did indeed feel good, too good. They found out that hitting things and breaking things while in a state of rage creats a kind of high for the person. What the therapists were doing was reinforcing those reward pathways in the brain and the more their patients did it the more they wanted to. We have all probably encountered someone somewhere that appeared to be a “rage addict.” To us they appear to be extremely unhappy while having their fits, but on the inside they are high as hell. You don’t want to be that.