My wife left me for another man 8 months ago. You could argue that she didn’t TECHNICALLY cheat on me (at least before our separation). However, she had been laying the groundwork with him before she asked me for the separation. As soon as she asked me…BOOM…she was out the door three nights a week to spend the night at his place. We continued to live in the same home, in different rooms, for about three weeks. She said she wanted to fix the marriage and sincerely thought that we could if I gave her space and freedom to “figure things out.”
However, she would not stop spending the night at his house. I told her I WAS NOT ok with this and that if she wanted to fix the marriage she needed to end the relationship. She refused. I said it was either “us” or “him” and she chose him, so I made her leave. She walked out on me, our two children and our home for a guy who “didn’t mean anything to her.” Yet not six months went by before they moved into a new apartment together.
Of course she will not acknowledge that she left me for him. She had been “unhappy for a long time” and “loved me but was not in love with me.” We had some pretty rough times the past 3-5 years, but I never knew she was planning on leaving me ALL THIS TIME. According to her these were the reasons she left me, NOT the OM. But I know that this new guy was what triggered her to cash in on the “unhappiness” card. She even admitted as such. But in her mind and words: she “didn’t choose him” she just “didn’t choose me.”
It’s over. She is not coming back. I couldn’t have her back even if I wanted. I’m not sure I will ever forgive her for the suffering she has inflicted on me and my children.
My main problem is I just can’t trust that she sucks…because…she doesn’t. She’s funny, smart, charming, fun, sooooo cool, soooo beautiful, a decent mother, and best of all, low maintenance. She is the kind of girl a lot of guys would dream to have and now someone else gets to appreciate how amazing she is. She even still sees the kids everyday, helps me with bills, and lets me have two nights a week to go out with friends.
I have been experiencing a lot of self-pity during my grief. I feel like I blew it. She was so very VERY special to me, and I have lost her forever. Please, PLEASE give me some of your powerful words of encouragement. She wasn’t perfect, but I love her and I miss her SOOOO much. Why can’t I trust that she sucks?
I Want Her to Suck
Dear I Want Her to Suck,
How about you don’t suck? How about you — and your children — deserve better than this? Could we please reframe this?
You don’t have to hate her. I’m not about giving exes that much centrality — but I am about lucidity. And this is some bullshit.
There are ethical ways to leave a relationship. And it’s hard at first to untangle the pain of rejection from the pain of rejection plus being deceived. How come it’s only in the THREE WEEKS since she met Mr. Wonderful that she suddenly wanted to “work on the marriage” — which is expressed by checking out three nights away to sleep with this other dude? (Excuse me, space and freedom “to figure things out.”)
Those 3-5 years of “rough times” — never once did she suggest “working on the marriage” then? Only through Fuck Another Guy Therapy was her Unhappiness revealed?
She had been laying the groundwork with him before she asked me for the separation.
Um, that’s a nice euphemism. “Laying the groundwork,” as in cleaning his pipes?
Are we being asked to believe that after a casual acquaintanceship, Shazam! they’ve moved right to overnights? Not even dinner and a movie first?
You realize this looks bad, right? You sure want to keep your good opinion of someone who looks like she was two-timing you.
I told her I WAS NOT ok with this and that if she wanted to fix the marriage she needed to end the relationship. She refused.
She was never sincere about fixing the marriage.
I said it was either “us” or “him” and she chose him, so I made her leave.
No, she put you and your family in an untenable situation. Her conduct was wrong and instead of facing it, she bailed.
You didn’t MAKE her leave. She CREATED a torturous situation to gratify HER ego. Which could’ve been avoided with a) therapy b) honest conversations (that did not include Fuck Another Dude Therapy) and c) divorce lawyers.
She didn’t choose those things. She chose to fuck around on you, humiliate you, let you twist in the wind, and then let you think YOU were responsible for ending a relationship she detonated.
Yeah, I’m not seeing her low-maintenance charm here…
According to her these were the reasons she left me, NOT the OM. But I know that this new guy was what triggered her to cash in on the “unhappiness” card. She even admitted as such.
The ETHICAL way to reject someone is to do it cleanly (no relationship overlap) and honestly — as in take responsibility for ending it.
“Bob, after some painful examination, I’ve decided that I no longer want to be married to you. I’m sorry. My decision is final. I’ve retained a lawyer, you should do the same. I think my continued presence would be painful to both of us — so I am leaving.”
This is followed by PRACTICAL actions that do not leave you in the lurch — temporary custody orders, mortgage payments, generous (but fair) division of assets.
You know what’s NOT ethical? Bailing and blaming you for it.
You know what’s vapid and ice-ice cold? Bailing and blaming you for it.
I’m not arguing that you’re a flawless person. Let’s say for the sake of argument you truly suck. She still invested a marriage and two children with you, and unless you were a danger to yourself and others — in my opinion, folks should try to work on it first before bailing. Even if you don’t go the therapy route, you deserve honesty and respect. Not blameshifting and cake-eating. That’s a mark on HER character, NOT yours.
But in her mind and words: she “didn’t choose him” she just “didn’t choose me.”
I don’t know why cheaters think the whole “He doesn’t mean anything to me” schtick works. No one wants to learn their shared life was flushed away for a trifle.
She chose herself. Ergo, she’s not available for a relationship because it’s all about her.
She’s funny, smart, charming, fun, sooooo cool, soooo beautiful, a decent mother, and best of all, low maintenance. She is the kind of girl a lot of guys would dream to have and now someone else gets to appreciate how amazing she is.
Please don’t be a chump who is hung up on his ex, an ex who treats him like gum on her shoe.
I’m glad you don’t hate the mother of your children, but let’s be real about who she is, okay? She’s a woman capable of casual betrayal and abandonment. I don’t care how she fills out a sweater, or if she can recite the periodic table while flipping pancakes. She’s unethical. Leaving her marriage was a test of her character and she flunked it.
She even still sees the kids everyday
Bitch cookie. She’s a goddamn mother. Until you work out a custody arrangement, she SHOULD see her children. She walked out on them. IT’S THE LEAST SHE CAN DO.
helps me with bills
Bitch cookie. She has a LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY as a co-parent and co-owner of all your shit to PAY HER SHARE. She isn’t doing you a favor. This is not “help”! It’s HER RESPONSIBILITY.
How mindfucked are you that you’re giving her this kind of credit for basic adulting?
and lets me have two nights a week to go out with friends
Bitch cookie. She “LETS” you? Get your balls out of her purse. Dude, you deserve a life beyond holding down the fort for Ms. Eat, Pray, Fuck-Over-Your-Family there.
IDWHTS, you need to raise your standards way, way up. Reframe this as, we are two adults who are divorcing and we take turns parallel parenting our children. She is not the Munificent One Gracing You With Her Favors.
When people reject us it can make them see very powerful. It’s a law of human nature. Weirdly, it’s like their stature goes up, like they know something we don’t know, and see us in ways we can’t see ourselves. Rejection can make you wobbly and crave validation from the fuckwit who rejected you.
You invested a lot in this person, and that’s normal — but IDWHTS — she’s NOT the final say on your worth. She’s a vapid nitwit, if you ask me. Don’t give her so much power. See her for what she is — a craven, weak person, whose faults eclipse her better qualities. Who does the minimum. Who doesn’t clean up her messes and wants you to gladly do that work for her, and ask no questions.
You miss her because you’re an empathetic, loving person who BONDS. She’s a person who un-bonds quite casually. You don’t share values. It hurts, but real bonding people are out there, who are MUCH, much better than her.
Heal up, be the sane parent for your kids, and quit giving this idiot so much credit. You deserve that for navigating this shit. ((Big hugs))