I Feel Like His Wife Won
She learned that a guy she was dating was married and dumped him, yet she can’t shake the feeling that his wife “won”. Why does she feel like this man is some sort of prize?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I really need your help and would absolutely appreciate your thoughts on my situation.
A few years ago, I found out months into a relationship with this dude that he was married the entire time and was hiding a wife.
I dumped him immediately and was traumatized.
When I confronted him one day to learn the truth about his marital status (because I had been seeing red flags all along), he answered that he was “separated.” I never truly believed that because that’s a common lie that a lot of people in long-distance military marriages use.
I trusted my gut at the time of the confrontation and immediately got out of that situation. Over the years, it turns out I was right? Looks like he was blatantly cheating the whole time and was never truly separated during that time. His wife knows he has cheated repeatedly with multiple people and still chooses to stay married, which boggles the mind.
A weird part of my subconscious still feels like she won some sort of “prize” that I failed to win because the whole thing was so humiliating for me.
Now I’m permanently scarred and damaged from the deceit. It still makes me livid to this day when my mind wanders there. I have difficulty trusting anybody — period. I’m paranoid now that anybody in any situation is pulling the wool over my eyes and out to screw me over, especially if they seem guileless. It’s because this guy put on such a convincing front of being a “good person.” Makes me feel like I can’t trust anybody no matter how decent they appear.
It was eye-opening for me how rampant lying and cheating is in general, but especially in the military.
Here’s the part I need help with: HOW do I stop feeling like his wife won a grand old prize that I failed to win?
The defeat feels humiliating, and it really feel like his wife won, while I lost. I feel that she’s in a better position than I am. Do you think that is true? A lot of my friends have already told me that this BS. They don’t think that she has a prize, and none of them would want him for me even if he got divorced and became available. They think that I can do way better.
Here’s my dilemma: if his wife stays with him, he must be a prize, right? Why else would she put up with a cheater? The only explanation I can come up with is that he must be super amazing, and that I, unfortunately, lost out to her because he ultimately chose her over me. He didn’t fight for our connection. Logically, I know that it doesn’t make sense. I would NEVER want to be with him again, and I KNOW that being married to a cheating husband is NOT a prize. Yet deep in my subconscious, I have this persistent fear that I lost out to his wife.
Another friend told me that God was truly merciful in taking me away from him at the right time (implying that he’s NOT a prize). How do I get over this and start to agree with my friends and feel as if I didn’t lose out on anything, and that I won everything by getting away from him? This is the biggest mindfuck I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life.
Please let me know what to do! This pain continues to haunt me.
Marina
***
Dear Marina,
You’re giving this Fuckwit waaaaaaay too much power.
Married men pretending to be single (or “separated”) are as common as dirt.
Which is probably an insult to dirt. Common soil has billions of microorganisms per tablespoon, whereas FWs have no inner substance whatsoever.
My point is, this was a bad experience. You got out after a couple months. I’m not saying a short experience can’t be traumatic. You learned painfully that a subsection of humanity is utter garbage. But keep it in perspective — you didn’t waste years, or breed with him, or mingle finances, or nurse him through a long illness only to discover his sex worker habit.
You had a brush with a FW. Your friends are entirely correct. Nothing to miss here. Commend yourself for seeing the red flags and getting out. Next, let’s explore why you feel like you’re missing out on something.
I trusted my gut at the time of the confrontation and immediately got out of that situation. Over the years, it turns out I was right? Looks like he was blatantly cheating the whole time and was never truly separated during that time.
Why are you looking back at this YEARS later?
We’re all prone to the occasional Google stalking. I’m not shaming you. But why the need for validation here? He was shady. He didn’t measure up. You dumped him. Is there some reason you feel the need to second guess your boundaries?
Why are you giving the narrative “Oh, maybe he’s really a wonderful person and I harshly misjudged him” more weight than the EVIDENCE of his character? Why is his theoretical POTENTIAL worth more than your JUDGEMENT?
You did not feel safe with this man. You DUMPED him. End of story.
Now, you can feel sad about many things — the fact that FWs abound. Or your single status (we’ll get to that in a minute). But don’t confuse that with mourning HIM as a “prize.”
You don’t know his wife.
His wife knows he has cheated repeatedly with multiple people and still chooses to stay married, which boggles the mind.
And you know this how exactly? Google stalking? Word of mouth? Maybe it’s true, maybe it isn’t. I wish you’d told her years ago when you dumped him, then you’d know for sure. But in any case, her life choices are none of your business.
She might stay because she doesn’t know. Or because she’s economically vulnerable. Or she’s part of some religious cult that thinks divorce is a sin. Maybe she read too many Esther Perel essays. We could speculate all day…
He is still not a prize.
A weird part of my subconscious still feels like she won some sort of “prize” that I failed to win because the whole thing was so humiliating for me.
You had a boundary and dumped him. Why is that humiliating? He’s the freak here. Stop wearing the shame.
It’s not your subconscious telling you he’s the prize, it’s internalized misogyny. You’ve bought some societal script that you’re less than if you’re single. That we have to “win” men. And they have all the agency, because they “choose” us. Oh, aren’t we lucky?!
Now I’m permanently scarred and damaged from the deceit.
I want to flippantly write “No you are not.” He doesn’t have that much power. You can build a whole new life without a FW. I believe in neuroplasticity, not permanent scarring. Your brain can rewire itself, but if you stay on the “I MISSED OUT ON A CHEATER” loop, you’re making those ruts in your neural network that much deeper.
But look, maybe you are scarred and damaged. Resilience is very individual and if you aren’t bouncing back from this, talk to a mental health professional. Friends and snarky bloggers aren’t cutting it.
The defeat feels humiliating, and it really feel like his wife won, while I lost. I feel that she’s in a better position than I am. Do you think that is true?
This is not defeat.
Why are you still in the pick me dance? Who made this stupid contest? Is she a winner because she has wife status? Are those your values?
I can’t answer this for you. My best interpretation is that this guy represented something you really wanted — a committed relationship — and you got your hopes up and now they’re dashed. And you don’t like this new cynicism.
First off, there’s no shame in wanting to be in a relationship. But what kind of relationship? You’re criticizing this woman for staying with a cheater when you’re pining for a cheater. You can want a relationship of mutual respect and devotion, or you can be a willing orifice for a FW. Being the chosen orifice does not confer status.
Get clear on what exactly it is you want.
Here’s my dilemma: if his wife stays with him, he must be a prize, right? Why else would she put up with a cheater? The only explanation I can come up with is that he must be super amazing, and that I, unfortunately, lost out to her because he ultimately chose her over me. He didn’t fight for our connection.
You had no connection.
He was using you. Just like he’s using her.
And, slap yourself, if he had a wife and dumped her for you — for your amazing connection — you’d take that as a COMPLIMENT? WTF is wrong with you? He’d be a cheater looking for a new appliance.
Logically, I know that it doesn’t make sense. I would NEVER want to be with him again, and I KNOW that being married to a cheating husband is NOT a prize. Yet deep in my subconscious, I have this persistent fear that I lost out to his wife.
I guess your subconscious hates you. Why are you beating yourself up about this? Why the constant loser script? Tell your subconscious to shut up. You’re worth more than the fleeting attentions of a romance scammer. Long-distance military guy? Did he friend you on Facebook?
Maybe this was an in-person thing, but my point is, the guy is a fraud.
Your life is precious. Why waste your time looking back on a jerk who wasn’t worthy of you? That’s energy you could be investing in yourself, like knitting socks, or reading an improving novel. Pretty much doing anything other than mourning a FW and comparing your life to a stranger’s imaginary marital bliss.
Try this thought experiment. Yes, the wife is DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY with the cheater. He’s still unavailable and you’re still single. Now what?
Does it change your life one iota?
Marina,
You ended the relationship when you realised that he was not quite as “single” as he’d led you to believe. Hopefully you will come to see that, in choosing to leave him once the real nature of your relationship with him was revealed, you did not lose, you WON.
And, furthermore, I hope that one day that you’ll come to realise that he is not and never was the prize ….. it is and always was YOU.
The sooner that you realise that you are the prize and that what is wife “won” was no more than a sparkly turd the better.
LFTT
I will never pine after a sparkly turd again.
If it makes you feel any better, when I found out my ex was married I didn’t leave. I had the self esteem of a toadstool back then and was so “in love” and desperate to be coupled that I stayed. He immediately left his wife and we married later. And… no shock to anyone, his mistress called me while I was at a work conference 6 years ago to tell me had been cheating with her for 4 years. The betrayal was absolutely stunning for me. I filed immediately for divorce and have spent the time since then recovering from trauma- he was also the king of control and silent treatments- and working on myself. All this to say that I wish I had been as strong as you were because this was beyond devastating for me. Give gratitude for your own strength and leave any thoughts about him behind.
Mtercha/Marina,
Well that’s half of the battle won isn’t it?
LFTT
Something that resonates so strongly with me from this letter is the inherent NEED in many women, myself aggressively included, to compare. to compete. to win. to measure up.
the FW isn’t the prize. believing you are chosen is the prize. so horribly sad.
why has hundreds of years conditioned us to believe that there is only one place at the table. there is only one promotion there is only one glorious man. and we have to win. we have to be The One.
I struggle mightily with this. I don’t compete with other women. I care and celebrate other women. However inside me, I always know how I measure up. How I am not as pretty as, as smart as, as sexy as, as fit as, as perfect as, them. I compare myself to the myself I wish I was. I compare myself to who I was 2 years ago and 20 years ago. And I never measure up.
Maybe the writers frustration is more about the win than about the prize? I’m learning that the ultimate pick me dance is where I pick myself, put on my favorite song and just fucking dance And stop measuring. Just. Stop.
That’s a great point. Conditioning could be at the root of this.
This is a great insight and probably explains Marina’s fixation on the wife. In her letter I read “yeah he sucks and I don’t want him… but the wife. The wife! His wife!” I couldn’t figure that out; I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s the female socialization of “compare thyself and be ashamed you lowly female”. “Just. Stop.” is the way to go for all of us.
Yep, this is spot on. Deep down it’s hard to not feel like you don’t measure up when you’re thrown into a competition you never agreed to participate in…
I can’t love this enough! Thanks for articulating this exhausting contest women tend to participate in.
thank you for helping me recognize I’m not the only one 🙏🙏🙏🙏🤍
I think society still strongly conditions women to participate in a constant “pick-me dance”, regardless of their circumstances. I don’t know how bad it is for Generation Z today, but in my day (Generation X), it was very influential, see for example “Sex and the City” (especially Carrie and Mr. Big). Marina, maybe it would be helpful to explore to what extent you have been exposed to similar influences.
It’s a good direction to explore though I’d go even further to investigate what the actual stakes are for women to be partnered and furthermore partnered with a certain type of dude, namely some kind of “protector/defender.”
Personally I think the picker problem with a lot of women isn’t merely due to cultural brainwashing, internalized misogyny, low self esteem or conformity but from valid but unprocessed fear. And I think the fear often remains unprocessed because most people– particularly when young– who aren’t sociopathic cyborgs need a lot of social validation, feedback and support in order to process very difficult realities. But facing unpleasant realities long enough to process them is like climbing into a stinking abyss so, in a metaphorical sense, it helps to have a “belayer” standing at the rim to hold your rope and keep you from splattering.
Because modern societies still grossly minimize the risk to women of sexual intimidation and sexual violence, finding “belayers” is easier said than done. Women striving to be realists can end up socially isolated, making it easier to pathologize them for being “overly anxious” when, in reality, the anxiety is a valid and intuitive response not only to viable danger but to a social environment where, if you do have the bad luck of being victimized, few will help you and you’ll probably be silenced and blamed.
Personally, I had the dubious “good fortune” of being such a schmuck magnet from a very young age and the all-out good luck of having feminist parents who didn’t minimize the psychological or physical risks of rape culture that I was harder to brainwash into believing anxiety was always self-generated due to having a flawed, neurotic lady brain. It’s probably one of the reasons (aside from dumb luck) that I always “got away” and was never successfully sexually assaulted– because I was raised to believe those intuitive signals exist for a reason.
But from being born in the hood, living most of my life in urban environments and working in a notoriously rapey industry for years, it was like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing to process all the “danger,danger” signals. You just can’t keep up with it and eventually go a bit numb. But deep down, the lizard brain is still factoring risks to survival and that can lead to unconsciously opting for “outdated” solutions that were probably necessary in caveman times, such as partnering up merely to get off the high risk dating market and also unconsciously looking for seemingly “protective” qualities in mates.
In any case, I can see in retrospect how my own taste in men shifted incrementally over time from “wimpy sweet nerd” to “bodyguard” without realizing it. Not from “daddy issues,” not from cOdEpEnDeNcy, not from some underlying eroticization of knuckle-dragging macho dudes or belief in trad gender dynamics but just from being frog-boiled by actual reality.
Not that “nerds” can’t be dangerous (the Blake Liebel case in LA?) but in a world where most predators wear masks, anything that decalibrates women’s intuitions by even a micron increases risk. Consequently requiring a mate to double as security detail even a wee little bit is a problem. It brings up my my usual quote of what’s-his-name the ancient Roman poet guy: “Who will defend us from our defenders?” It still stands that the greatest statistical risk to women is from intimate partners which says a lot when the risk of stranger danger is already so palpable.
In short, the whole thing is a protection racket. Until those problems are fully addressed on a societal level, I don’t think it’s possible to generalize the idea that all or even most women have self-generated picker problems. Obviously some do (anyone knowingly getting involved with already partnered men, serial killer groupies, the types of women who date political figures who spew violent fascist/racist/sexist rhetoric, etc.).
But frankly the act of truly re-calibrating pickers requires going so far against the entire social grain that it would take a ton of education, consistent social support and validation for normal social beings to manage because of the kind of flak and bullshit “ideological outliers” encounter from every corner– especially regarding sexual politics and at least until they’ve amassed a really solid social posse which can sometimes take a lifetime to achieve.. Otherwise– irony!– turning oneself into a radical outlier (I don’t actually think it’s radical at all to contend with rape culture but one is seen as radical by mainstream culture) risks the very isolation that increases the danger of rape.
Rock and hard place. I think it’s the only path that makes sense but admittedly it’s extremely difficult.
This rings intuitively true. FWIW, in my early twenties, I dated a supposedly “nice/shy/polite/nerdy” guy who subtly threatened rape whenever he wasn’t getting what he wanted and used a lot of silent treatment, stonewalling and derogatory remarks to control me. I got out of that multi-year relationship after getting a whole group of male platonic friends. To this day, I don’t really understand why I felt safe and supported by these guys, but from today’s perspective, my trust in them was probably justified. What I only understand today, however, is that I was probably secretly afraid of my “polite” boyfriend and needed strong people in the background (not my toxic birth family!) to help me safely extricate myself from that traumatic relationship.
Yes, being the token woman friend among a group of guys is another type of security detail. I did something similar after dealing with criminal workplace harassment as an intern and filing criminal charges (the first of two times I did this in the space of 18 months)– clung to a group of guys I worked with for safety and distraction.
In retrospect, I can now see how those guy pals sort of represented one of the steps away from my preference for “sweet nerds” to nerds with an edge. Then a married member of the group put on the moves an another of the “safe” guy friends tried to give me an ultimatum.
That didn’t end well but by then I was out of direct danger so I suppose these assholes served a purpose. I can concede that being in a protection racket doesn’t always lead to making the best choices but we hardly regret choices we lived to tell about.
Blech! I’ve always hated Mr. Big! Yes, I grew up with SATC, so I’m well-versed with these references. The need to do the “pick me dance” is real. I’m only recently beginning to undo this conditioning.
Also, if you happen to be familiar with SATC at all, it may be worth looking up the Wikipedia page of Ron Galotti, who FW Mr. Big was allegedly modeled after. Among other things, he ran a media company backed by Harvey Weinstein, apparently (and the company failed). Also: “During his military service, he engaged in loan-sharking and later opened a brothel with the proceeds.” For me, this was kind of an eye-opener (even if this might not be the case for you). Any narrative that would depict even guys like him as a “catch” or a “prize” is misogynistic garbage.
WOW. I had no idea. That is super interesting.
I never understood the draw of Mr Big. I mean, sure, handsome, rich and funny. But she was a NY Socialite that was around loads of handsome, rich and funny men.
He *never* treated her well. And in hindsight, it really does read like she only wanted to WIN him.
Hearing who he was based on? Ewwwwww.
You were months into the relationship when you found out that he was married. That means that at the time a couple should be sharing and learning, he was scheming and lying.
It took your confrontation for him to admit he had a wife. You did the mighty moral thing and dumped him.
Marina, have you been mourning this relationship since then, or have there been some recent disappointments in your life that dredged this up? It’s possible these regrets are being triggered by something that reminds you of him, or what you hoped for at the time. Things like milestones in your life or someone else’s (especially a friend, sibling or coworker), who’s buying a house, having kids, getting promoted with a partner at their side. Or you could be triggered because it’s the same season of the year when you experienced the highs of love and limerence.
It sounds like you still move in the same circles, enough to think you know what going on with him and his wife.
Consider it this way: Maybe he didn’t fight for you because you made it clear that you wouldn’t tolerate cheating, and he wants to wife who won’t confront him.
True. I want a man who will choose me precisely because I won’t tolerate cheating, which is a value he shares as well.
I buried this pain in unhealthy ways for years, and it only recently came up to be properly addressed and healed.
wants a wife, not to wife
You weren’t in love with “him”, you were in love with the person he pretended to be so he could string you along.
I come from the opposite angle, he ran off with the AP, so she was the “winner”. For a long time, I felt EXACTLY like you did. Intellectually, I knew I was a much better “catch” than she was, in a multitude of ways. But emotionally, it destroyed me for quite a time. I hate losing in general, this was next level defeat.
But, as FWs are prone to FW, he cheated on her, using the same playbook with the new AP as he did with her.
So, what if you “won”? You’d win a loser who would immediately start the new search for the new AP in your “prize” relationship.
He doesn’t love anyone. He loves the thrill of deception and the adrenaline he gets from sneaking around.
CL is right. She won a sparkly turd. PU.
So true. He doesn’t love anyone. He’s nothing to anyone.
Dear Marina,
You wrote, “Here’s my dilemma: if his wife stays with him, he must be a prize, right? Why else would she put up with a cheater?”
If, as CL pointed out, it’s even true that the wife knows what this creep is doing behind her back, can you think of another reason why victims of abuse have difficulty leaving abusers? If not, then you’re in dire need of an education on coercive control.
That brings up a few pieces of information you might be missing here: first that cheating is not only a form of abuse (typically involving rape by deception, financial abuse by dissipating family assets, putting unconsenting partners at risk of sometimes deadly STDs) but requires abuse to be facilitated (neglect of partner and childcare, gaslighting tactics including “Deny Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender” and other forms of psychological abuse to scare partners back from asking questions, sometimes threats, menacing behavior or violence).
Also any chump here can fill you in on how cheaters are often initially “nice” to affair partners as a means of whitewashing how incredibly abusive, controlling and coercive they are at home and inevitably will become towards anyone they’re involved with because these types are invariably disordered in the same way as garden variety domestic abusers.
I think the problem you’re having with trust is that, because you don’t understand the above, your intuition is basically telling you you’re a sitting duck to be bamboozled and exploited again and not to risk it. But the good news is that the more you educate yourself on related issues, the less you’ll be prone to generalizing red flags, the more attractive actually decent men will seem and the less “charmed” you’ll be when some douchebag turns on the over-the-top charisma or “Senor Harmless” act that masked abusers are known for. It will just give you cavities and churn your stomach.
Recommended reading for starters: “The Batterer” by Susan Golant and Donald Dutton; Coercive Control by Dr. Evan Stark and the Substack page of Dr. Emma Katz.
There’s a way out of your current spellbound and confused state with the bonus of being safer and freer and likely even happier on the other end. Best of luck!
Yes! All true! Back then I was a completely person from who I am today. I purposely ignored red flags because things were going well. There was a lot of societal conditioning that preceded that. Nowadays I can’t ignore red flags even if I wanted to. I ask the hard questions upfront and have already weeded out several liars and cheaters from the very first conversation so far. As women we’re taught to not ask difficult questions for fear of being “too picky” or “too direct.” That’s a whole load of BS. I will read these books about abusers to further educate myself, but honestly, the biggest education any of us can give ourselves is to listen to our nervous systems. Your body knows things before your mind can even prove it. Trust your body when it flinches around someone. Mine was screaming at me the entire time, but I ignored it and let myself get entangled and attached to this FW for months before I learned the devastating truth.
By some kind of harmonic convergence, I just read an article on the pragmatic obstacles of leaving abusers: https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-dont-women-in-abusive-relationships?publication_id=666106&post_id=167301945&isFreemail=true&r=381mk5&triedRedirect=true
I just have to qualify the source a little. Author Zawn Villines often makes great points regarding domestic abuse but, because she’s repeatedly stated that “cheating is not always abuse” without really explaining her position on it (she vaguely states it’s because abusive men are always accusing victims of being whores), I’m not a subscriber. I would rather use my subscription budget for authors whose positions I completely get behind like Dr. Emma Katz and certain political journalists who’ve been forced out of mainstream media into the paywall ghetto to make a living.
But this article is a concise gem and it’s rare that Villines publishes full articles for free.. If she ever qualifies her statements on cheating in a way I can get behind, I’ll definitely subscribe.
For the record, I do agree there is one very specific situation where cheating is not abuse” and doesn’t necessarily expose the cheater as fundamentally character disordered. It’s related to abused women being slightly more statistically prone to “monkey branch” when leaving abusers if just to have bodyguards on hand as they make their harrowing escapes or just a “safe house” to escape to. People in life and death situations who lack sufficient social, financial and legal support sometimes do out of character things for survival so nothing can really be assumed from this except that these people want to survive. Unfortunately, battered women face a 50% risk of landing with another abuser after leaving the first, likely because abusers often wear the mask of rescuer/bodyguard.
I don’t think it’s that controversial to mention research like the above so the fact that Villines doesn’t specify anything like this to explain her statements leaves me a bit cold. This is because, as a former advocate for domestic violence survivors, I came to believe that the main driver of DV is typically the brutal enforcement of one-sided monogamy– meaning sexual freedom for the perpetrator and none for the victim. I don’t know how it’s possible to reduce rates of a crime or warn or protect victims without understanding the most common motive to commit it so ignoring or waxing vague on that aspect of it makes no sense to me. For instance, doesn’t it seem relevant that one of the main reasons abusers may accuse partners of being whores or cheating is good old projection? And doesn’t it seem relevant to the survival of victims that, if a woman finds herself being groundlessly accused of cheating, she should run-not-walk to get checked for STDs and possibly test the children as well?
In any case, the reason I came to believe abuse and cheating are intrinsically tied is because virtually every survivor I ever encountered was also cheated on in some way. But it’s also because, in a piecemeal way, the best social research on DV and abuser psychology always leads in that direction. Just for starters, abused women are three times more likely to contract STDs.
I can also agree that, even if virtually every batterer and spouse-killer cheats, this doesn’t mean that every cheater will eventually batter or kill or even most. But just the slightest hint that a partner could escalate abuse to this level is typically enough to freeze the souls of normal people. And that’s why current findings on coercive control are so critical. The existence of coercive control in a relationship is the ultimate “hint”– not just in an anecdotal sense but a hardcore statistical sense– of that potentiality.
One of biggest contributions that Evan Stark made as a forensic and statistical researcher was discovering that the majority of battered women describe the emotional and psychological aspects of abuse as more devastating and paralyzing than even physical assault. What this means is that the most skilled abusers may never have to take their hands out of their pockets to turn their formerly healthy, confident partners into inert, confused, isolated and terrified captives. And, as it happens, the tactics that have been studied which predictably produce those effects all match up quite well with the tactics commonly used by typical cheaters, several of which Villines mention in her descriptions of post-separation abuse.
How can that not be relevant enough to the subject of abuse to take head on as a theme? Anyway, whether I agree with every word she writes or not, the article is still fully worth reading.
You bring up a really key issue about social pressure. I couldn’t agree more. I just wrote another comment in response to Amelia on that issue. It’s long (with run-on sentences as usual lol) so I’ll cut to chase:
the act of truly re-calibrating pickers requires going so far against the entire social grain that it would take a ton of education, consistent social support and validation for normal social beings to manage because of the kind of flak and bullshit “ideological outliers” encounter from every corner– especially regarding sexual politics and at least until they’ve amassed a really solid social posse which can sometimes take a lifetime to achieve.. Otherwise– irony!– turning oneself into a radical outlier (I don’t actually think it’s radical at all to contend with rape culture but one is seen as radical by mainstream culture) risks the very isolation that increases the danger of rape.
Rock and hard place. I think it’s the only path that makes sense but admittedly it’s extremely difficult.
Your paragraph on cheating as a form of abuse needs to be memorized by every advice columnist in existence
Given the treatment that CL and Sarah Manguso got from three of the most powerful publications in the world, I think columnists do memorize spiels like that but not in a good way. Being mostly shills and hacks who do the bidding of the rapey feudal apes that control and sponsor the corporate media, they memorize these arguments like a bounty hunter memorizes mugshots or a virologist memorizes the spikes on the Covid virus.
They at least have to understand ideas enough to kill them and demonize the sources.
So one dude treated you like a napkin, used you & threw you away….and a piece of you thinks he was Mr. Wonderful? I think you need a healthy shot of self-esteem. Trust me, I’ve needed several of them shots along the way. My ex-husbands’s Schmoopie crowed to me in FB messenger (before I knew her name & blocked her) that she “won him”. At the time, I thought she had too. It took some deep soul work & shoring up my self-esteem in other areas, including attracting some other male attention, to get over this. I had a ex-boyfriend that cheated on me too but pfffttt I got over him when I met my now ex-husband. This honestly sounds not about him, but more about you. Maybe you’re not where you want to be romantically? If so, please work on doing something to change that instead of mourning some d bag that was a mere blip in your life. We all make mistakes, we learn, we carry on. Sometimes to win, we have to let go of the rope.
Marina please read more posts and comments here. you will see the patterns over hundreds of stories of regular folk from all over the world hurting and trying to heal.
You will see what toxic abusive marriage his wife is in with a serial cheater. Nothing special about him.
Realize that you dodged a BULLET.
Thank you, Archer! I will remember that: this was a bullet dodged!
Hi! OP here. Thank you all so far for being so gentle with me with the comments. I suspect that has to do with the fact that I at least had the good sense and the moral fiber to dump the FW the MINUTE I found out he was hiding his marital status. Yes, this happened several years ago, but believe it or not, it wasn’t until very recently that I’ve finally been able to genuinely heal from this deception. I buried the pain in unhealthy ways for years, as the crushing weight of deception and manipulation were too much to handle. I was someone who wanted to see the best in all people and situations, so learning that people like this exist was crushing to me. The end of me dating this FW wasn’t even the source of the real pain. The real pain was coming to terms that I couldn’t trust my own judgment of people or situations. And, NO, I didn’t actually want the FW to pick me, as I would only vomit in his face and push him away. I’m no fool, and I know that even if he left to be with me, it would only open up a vacancy for an AP – possibly multiple APs. I was sure of that from the very start, which is why my decision to bolt was so swift and certain. The crazy thing is…I’m not actually dumb at all, and obviously, I have no tolerance for cheating, regardless of what side of the equation I’m on. Buuuuut…as you all have pointed out, I HAVE internalized a shit ton of misogyny. Even doing the right thing doesn’t protect your heart from toxic comparisons and feelings of not good enough. And learning that your judgment about men is TRASH (even if the FWs themselves are trash) is frightening, to say the least.
I’ve been receiving a lot of powerful help lately that has shifted mountains of energy for me. I’m no longer seeing this FW as something I “lost,” or that his wife “won.” Intellectually I’ve always known this line of thinking was garbage, but emotionally, that’s a whole other matter. Now I’m integrating my emotional knowing with my intellectual knowing. This column and your comments so far are also carrying me to the finish line. I’m doing a lot better these days now that I’ve had the courage to face these demons.
2 things I need to clear up from the original question!
#1) I should have added that I DID tell his wife years ago (albeit anonymously, which I regret deeply, and I now wish I had used my real identity). I both emailed and texted her. Trust me. She KNOWS. I wish I had read Chump Lady back then because I would have known how to handle this better. I was walking around in a fog back then and didn’t feel safe at all, let alone how to best handle a situation I’d never experienced before. Heaven forbid, if I ever find myself in a mess like this again, I now know that the right thing is to tell the spouse/partner with evidence, using my real identity.
#2) This was definitely an in-person thing between the FW and me. We were living in the same area, met on a dating app, and then met up in person. He and the WIFE were living apart, long-distance for 4-5 years. That’s why he was on dating apps, pretending to be single, and scamming women who lived closer to him than his long-distance wife. And using the “separated” excuse when cornered. Sorry, I should have made that clear!
Thanks again for all your honesty! I really needed to hear this so I can take the FW off this twisted, sordid pedestal, once and for all.
And yeah…TRUE…I don’t know his wife at all. I assumed she continues to stay because of her “love” for this “amazing” guy, but the truth is, I have no idea what abuse tactics he’s using on her. All I know is that I don’t understand it from the outside, but maybe I’m not meant to. The only thing I’ve ever known for sure – even from the start – is that I absolutely DO NOT want to be with a cheater on any level…and definitely not legally bound to him. If I’m going to date any man, he has to have enough integrity to be faithful…or to properly communicate and break up/divorce if he feels that he can’t. I’ve always felt this way, and even a sociopathic FW like him didn’t change my mind…even though he did make me question my self-worth for years. Being the target of a romance scam will do that to you.
I can totally relate to feeling like you can’t trust yourself after this happens! What helped me a lot was reading The Gift of Fear. De Becker’s idea that when something is really wrong you will know, and his tips on not training myself out of listening to my intuition both gave me some confidence back.
I will look into this! Our intuition really is our best friend. I definitely ignored mine in this situation. There were red flags from the beginning.
From a man’s perspective, simply put, people like this guy are not valuable partners. There are many good men out there who would never cheat on their wife. Some men, like this one, never grow up. They never see past the front of their noses, like a child who is praised or coddled too much by doting parents. It could also be that this man had a horrible upbringing and nothing good was modeled to him. Maybe it’s some form of toxic masculine entitlement from being a military hotshot?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. None of that matters. Cheaters want you to think that this matters, but it’s just a way for them to obfuscate the truth of their actions. Why doesn’t it matter? Because every single cheaters has the option to their leave relationship they are in before they engage in cheating. That is the crux that none of them can explain without admitting that they are the bad guy. Almost none of them have the capacity to admit they are the bad guy. That’s why they want betrayed partners to overthink, to indulge their behavior with deeper meaning — a deeper meaning that they themselves are incapable of understanding.
He’s broken, and he’s a selfish person who has no discipline. It’s not just his proclivity toward sexual abuse that is a massive red flag; but imagine someone who lacks this much discipline toward their vows and how they would behave as a parent or a husband. He’s more than likely a big baby at home. His wife has a toxic codependency with him, and that could be because he ruthlessly exploits her nervous system breakdowns every time she discovers his infidelity. Our nervous systems scream at us betrayed to stop what is happening and return to normalcy. Imagine that happening over and over, but your cheating partner comes flying in the door to save the day only to do it again and again and put you in this mental health death spiral. That’s what she has “won.” (I hope she finds the strength to leave him sooner than later.)
The men in my life do not cheat on their wives, and I think one of the key markers for a committed partner is that they are intrinsically happy. Their happiness comes from within first, which gives them steadier ground for committed, loyal, loving relationships. Look for men who have a life that gives them fulfillment, that has hobbies, that doesn’t require your attention to feel special. They want to be with you but they don’t depend on your ever-loving gaze or sex to feel worthy. There are many men out there who find purpose in themselves and extend that purpose to their partners and their families. They have a life. Look for men who don’t manipulate with love bombing or exert control by saying or doing certain things while expecting certain responses; or give to only receive, and when they don’t receive, they look elsewhere. Look for men who are already happy and find their partnership with you to be one that brings more happiness and more purpose to their lives.
Imagine he were single at the time? You could be in the wife’s position, one that nobody should envy. Your friends are right. You should be grateful that this didn’t last longer. You should be grateful that you were never in a marriage (or had children) with someone like this loser. Happiness comes from within. You were a whole human being before you met this cheater. Find happiness within yourself and then see where life takes you.
Thank you for this heartfelt comment. I was in the wilderness for a long time and couldn’t see the light until recently. There is much to be grateful for: this ended sooner rather than later. I just wish I hadn’t wasted the last several years feeling so isolated, believing the lie that I had “lost,” and shutting off my heart.
Marina:
It’s time to accept the truth that a life with a FW is no life at all… at least not the kind you really want and truly deserve.
You’re spending valuable time trying to untangle the infamous “skein of fuckedupness”, when what would be much more helpful is to take things at face value without any exaggerating, embellishing or editorializing. Bottom line: He’s a FW and if you’d stayed with this imposter, your relationship would have been constructed of nothing but papier mache… pretty on the outside but an empty abysmal void on the inside. Resist the temptation to impute any value beyond this.
Why mourn over dodging what would’ve been a compromised life? By continuing to look back, you’re missing out on embracing the real victory: You are free of a FW who really would have “permanently scarred” you if given the opportunity!
And please stop pondering why his wife is staying with him; I’m sure she has her reasons even if they don’t make sense to you or anyone else…
> Financial dependence due to a lack of education, life skills, professional work credentials, or having a mental/emotional/physical disability that prevents her from ever being self-sufficient?
> An abject fear for her physical safety or the safety of her children if she tries to leave?
> Intense family pressure to stay in the marriage no matter what (“Stay married or we’ll disinherit you”)?
> Cultural pressure to stay with FW regardless of how how bad things are (“Our traditions demand that you remain married for life”).
> Judgement from a religious entity (“Divorce is a terrible sin and you’ll go to hell”)?
> She keeps hoping he’ll follow through on his promises to change and the marriage will improve?
> She doesn’t want to ruin her children’s lives by ripping their father away from them?
> She feels intense shame, humiliation and embarrassment being married to a FW and wants to keep their dysfunctional private life from being exposed?
> She has no money of her own and can’t afford to pay an attorney?
> She can deal with the devil she knows (life with FW) but doesn’t want to gamble with the devil she doesn’t (life without FW)?
> She believes divorce is a stigma that she’ll never be able to shake?
> If she divorces him, she’ll feel like more of a failure than she already does?
> FW has drilled into her head that if she leaves him, “No one else will want you”?
> She’s stuck on a painful hamster wheel of indecision and “analysis paralysis”?
> She’s an empath and can’t imagine hurting FW by leaving him, no matter how badly he’s treated her?
> She believes if she’s the one to file for divorce, everyone will blame her?
> She’s hiding the truth about her own extramarital affair(s)?
Instead of viewing her as any kind of a winner, it might just be the exact opposite.
Thanks! It’s true. I really have no idea what’s going on internally with her. As you pointed out with an exhaustive list, there could be many, many reasons why people cheated on stay. In her case, she has multiple advanced degrees, is gainfully employed, and makes plenty of money. They also have no kids. Doesn’t sound like money or kids are the reasons, but societal/religious/family pressure and emotional needs could be. I found out through online stalking years ago that she wrote that she has some kind of learning disability, although I have no idea what it is. So, yes, obviously there are issues in her life I don’t know about and never will know about.
I think the biggest breakthrough for me is realizing that her decision to stay, regardless of her reason(s), don’t make him a “prize,” and that it *doesn’t* mean I lost out on something great. It also has no bearing on my worth or my ability to get into a relationship with a man who’s not a cheater.
mtercha:
“It also has no bearing on my worth or my ability to get into a relationship with a man who’s not a cheater.”
Exactly, you were worthy before, during and after. Actually, in my personal opinion, you’ve added to your worth by respecting yourself enough to kick him to the curb early on.
I wish I’d done that with my own FW of 40 years… I stupidly stayed for YEARS for several of the reasons on my list including two others that I didn’t mention:
(1) I was a child of TWO horrible parental divorces (my mother was the FW) and I didn’t want to put my 3 kids (triplets) through the absolute hell I experienced. I would have rather died than divorced.
(2) My FW methodically homogenized me to the point where I had no identity but to be an obedient Wife Appliance; I felt completely helpless without FW and his many “talents”.
A month after FW suddenly moved out to be with his Married Howorker, he came back to the house to help pack up his garage workbench; our beautiful forever home was on the market and we needed to put everything in storage. He noticed the front porch lightbulb had burned out and said it was my job to fix it since I wasn’t allowed to depend on him anymore. I remember him handing me a new bulb and I burst into tears, literally feeling so dependent, so vulnerable, so ill-equipped to handle even the simplest of tasks that I didn’t know what to do next. Eventually, I did change that fucking lightbulb, but in many ways, it was as difficult as giving birth to my boys. Looking back, I realize how insane that experience was.
My fabulous therapist said when I first walked into his office, I was an odorless, colorless, one-dimensional cardboard cutout of someone who used to be a vibrant, sassy, energetic, take-no-prisoners person who knew how to laugh. I was a 19-year-old invincible college coed when I met FW and I was 60 when we divorced, so he had a lifetime to whittle me down to nothingness and strip me bare of a personality and a purpose (except to serve him). It was like the story of the poor froggy in the pot of boiling water… I never noticed that I was slipping away — until I was gone. It took 3 years of weekly therapy for me to shift my paradigm, restructure my beliefs, redirect my actions and find ME again. But once I morphed back into being a real — and much wiser — person with an actual life, there was no going back.
Thanks so much for sharing. I had no idea people could live with an undetected FW for years or even decades. Now I’m starting to understand why people tell me I’m lucky, despite the pain and trauma of the situation. Glad you found yourself again and extricated yourself.
mtercha:
I didn’t believe it myself at first, but the more time you spend with other chumps, the more salacious and ridiculous the stories become. When I tell people about being broadsided, they often INSIST that I just HAD to know about my FW’s 14+ affairs. I KNEW and was just in denial! Really, and just how would I know? He came home every night and was at the dinner table promptly at 6 pm after a 1-hour commute home. He was home all night with me, helping to clean up after dinner, bathing the boys, reading bedtime stories, sleeping next to me, and was right there when I woke up. We were together all weekend, grocery shopping, gardening, cleaning the house, going to church, taking walks into town with the boys to get ice cream. He was always sitting at his desk at work when I called his direct landline (this was long before cell phones). Once cell phones came into use, I could see where he was by using “Find My” and there were no surprises there either; most days, we talked for the majority of his commute to/from work. When the boys all left for college and we became an empty nest literally overnight, we spent even more time together and did some traveling.
When did the man have time to become a community dick? Well, when all the dirty laundry finally got hung out to dry, it was obvious FW was a master opportunist… he picked the lowest possible hanging fruit so he didn’t have to expend a lot of effort. The majority of his APs were married coworkers (with children!) so they must have been screwing in the janitor’s closet during the lunch hour! But there was also the divorced Team Mom for the soccer team our triplets played on (FW was their coach, year after year)… our impressionable 19-year old babysitter… the wives of couples we vacationed with… the woman we took into our home for 3 months while she was trying to divorce her wife beater-husband… Pure opportunity!
Our marriage counselor told FW he had to tell me exactly who each of these women were and to answer any questions I had. And FW did disclose, so that’s how I have their identities; I personally knew every single one of the APs, but NONE of them ever leaked a single word to me, not even to rub it in my face. And as he was going down his list of names, he seemed proud of his conquests, of his ability to conduct a secret underground life I knew nothing about, and there wasn’t a shred of remorse, not a single apology except for, “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt”. And when FW finally dumped me for the very wealthy Married Howorker who sat next to him at work, not one person in his office (I’d met all of them multiple times) took me aside and said anything. I guess they’d never heard the saying, “If you see something, say something” or maybe they were afraid of getting involved in drama.
Plus, FW and I had 2 mutual friends who personally witnessed FW and Married Howorker being inappropriately chummy, going on lunch dates while on the clock at work, and once we were separated, knew they were buying plane tickets and taking trips. And while these “friends” eventually did tell me, it took them 3 YEARS to do so. Gee thanks, that was not helpful; that’s 3 more years of my life with FW I can’t get back.
And THIS is why I’m so FOR telling the unsuspecting chump! Time is our most precious commodity and we can’t afford to waste a minute longer than necessary on someone who lies, cheats, betrays, abuses or destroys us.
“I’m sorry your feelings got hurt” = I’m sorry I got caught.
Good Lord, I can see why you were in denial! He races home by 6 pm to a homecooked meal every night. He can’t possibly be a cheater, right? No adulterous pig could possibly be punctual and have a healthy appetite for homecooked dinners.
Now I’m beginning to see why so many chumps are in denial of their FW’s cheating, even in the face of all evidence, and even when they’re flat out TOLD. I totally get why your friends didn’t tell you. Don’t hold it against them. It’s a tough spot to be in. They didn’t want to be blamed as the messengers, as many chumps are initially in denial and may even take it out on the messengers, or assume that *they’re* the APs. It’s not their fault your FW was cheating, as long as they never encouraged it. It was probably cringey as hell for them, and some of them may even have assumed that you were in an open marriage and didn’t want to pry. I seriously doubt that any of them were deliberately trying to deceive you.
The APs not telling you or rubbing it in your face is that most, if not all, of them were married themselves and had no intention of leaving (as is the case with almost all cheaters). They’d be exposing themselves too, and since they weren’t trying to take your FW away from you (even though he’s not prize either way), there’d be no need to rub anything in your face. It was a transactional, cheap way for them to blow off steam in their own shitty marriages too.
The coworkers not ratting him out is even more understandable. The last thing anyone wants is to create resentment or drama at work, where their money is tied. Not sure if your FW had seniority over them, which would make it even MORE understandable. And, yes, some of them may have assumed your marriage was open, which meant that they weren’t sure if his behavior constituted cheating, and definitely didn’t want to have that cringey conversation with you to find out either way.
The only people who are not excused from telling you are close friends who knew for sure that your marriage was NOT open, and that you were expecting monogamy from the FW. Those people should have told you. Anyone else keeping mum, I can understand. I wouldn’t get involved either if I didn’t know someone well. Exposing information like this can put on a target on your back, and why should any of these people screw themselves over because they happen to know or work with your FW? It’s not their fault they have to breathe the same air as this lying, cheating bastard.
Now I’m beginning to better understand how and why my FW’s chumped spouse is chronically in denial. Sad, but starting to make sense. I just hope that I’m partnered one day, I’ll have the strength and the courage to face the truth if someone tells me I’m being chumped. Please whack me over the head if I’m ever that willfully blind.
It’s been some years now since all this happened, and I don’t hold anything against the people who knew and didn’t speak up; they had their reasons and I have no control over what anyone else thinks, says or does.
And even if they had said something, then what? I was so homogenized by then that I probably wouldn’t have taken any action because I was a shadow of my former self… afraid, weak, dependent, rudderless. Now that my head is clear, my constitution strong, my mind sharp, my heart centered on the right relationships, I have to believe that everything with FW worked out just the way it was supposed to.
Yep. I have to keep reminding myself that all is well because we got away from the FWs. That’s what counts.
Rose Kennedy (JFK’s mom) never got away from Joseph Kennedy, who cheated on her their entire marriage until he was too sick and dying to cheat anymore. She lived a long life, but good riddance! Can you imagine putting up with someone like that for most of your life? At least two of her sons ended up being notorious cheaters too. Gross.
Well, I was with FW for 40 years so yeah, I can imagine it… Maybe not as long as Rose Kennedy, but still a very long time.
I’m a reformed OW myself. Unlike Marina, I let it go on way too long and carry a lot of shame about what I did. We’re talking 10 years off and on, long past the time where I knew that he wasn’t going to leave his wife and had said so. This guy would say things to me like “I’m not always faithful to my wife, but I am loyal.” Which in my youthful lust-addled mind seemed very deep.
Breaking the cycle and just waiting for the feelings to go away was the only thing that worked for me. Once you look through the lens of “this guy was actually never special and actually a POS”, all the other things will come into focus. He never really loved me, he was just feeding his own ego. He would pretend like his wife was in delicate health to imply that maybe she would die and then I could “win.” His wife had an emotional affair with a coworker and he had an enormous pissy fit that reeked of hypocrisy.
For a while I was leaving him on read and not blocking him, just on the off chance that she would die. I wouldn’t want to miss my big chance, right? Once I realized how pathetic that was, I did block him. Nowadays, my vision is clear, and the idea of being in a relationship with him or being intimate in any way makes me sick.
Coming here to read opened my eyes a lot – I’m not special, and nothing that happened to me was the stuff of a romance novel. He’s not the love of my life, and the actual love of my life will be someone who deserves my full heart and loyalty.
Just like CL said, stop revering him, and keep repeating the mantras to yourself until they’re true. And they will be eventually. Remember that he’s a liar and you have no responsibility in healing his relationship with his wife, and sometimes bowing out is the best thing you could do. And forgive yourself for the role you did have. I wish I had done what Marina did, say “oh wait, married men are off limits!” And bounce, but all I can do is do better going forward.
He’s not the love of my life, and the actual love of my life will be someone who deserves my full heart and loyalty.
Yeah, investing in a guy waiting by the sidelines for his wife to die might have been the nudge to readjust your take on loyalty. I guess the ultimatums went to pause.
Master manipulators like this guy can get even the most rational of women to believe or do all sorts of things that they otherwise wouldn’t do. Young women are particularly susceptible to this, but even older women are not exempt. It sounds like YouthHostile realizes now how sick his behavior was and that she’d never want to be in the wife’s position, which she would be had he actually married her upon his wife’s death. The good news is that former OWs (both ones who knowingly got involved, as well as ones who were lied to and never chose to get involved), develop a much stronger radar for BS once they’re out of these bad situations. They walk away being able to spot cheaters more easily and with a full understanding of just how toxic adultery really is (not the fluffy, innocent ‘mistake’ that Esther Perel makes it out to be).
Thanks for sharing. There’s no teacher like experience. I hope you’ll give many more than ten years to someone who deserves your heart.
It is a primal evolutionary trigger from the time when loss of a resource-providing male meant your infant might not survive the winter. We have many of these holdovers, includng the one that tells me to eat the whole carton of Haagen Daz rum raisin ice cream when I have the chance, to survive the potential famine. The urge is quite real, though the reality of the need is not. In my life, 9/10 of adulthood seeems to consist of acknowledging my urges, but acting in my own best interests.
In addition to the societal pressures to be in a relationship, you may be particularly vulnerable due to your family of origin issues. What kind of relationships were modeled for you?
Possibly as important – how was resiliency modeled? How do the women in your family handle loss or disappointment? How do you handle it in other areas of your life? Consider Alanon if co-dependency seems to be a theme.
I don’t have codependency or alcoholism issues at all, but I do have a mother who glamorized marriage. My parents have chosen to stay in a dysfunctional marriage for nearly 50 years, and my mom has often said that it’s better to be in a bad marriage than to be single. When I was a child, she ruthlessly compared me to other kids. If she knew about this situation, I guarantee she would say that the FW’s wife is much smarter and more accomplished than I am, which is why he’s still infatuated with her, despite his serial cheating.
I wish the relationship I had with my FW was the one you had instead of it including 27 years, a mortgage, 4 kids, 6 cats and a dog. If I can move on and be truly happy, and happily single, so can you
Oh, I know how to embrace singleness. I’ve been doing that the majority of my life. I’ve stayed single this entire time to let myself heal before even thinking of dating anyone new. It was never my relationship status that bothered me, but that I’ve been cautious and wary of people in general, seeing how flawed my judgment was. Sorry to hear that 27 years were spent on a FW. 🙁
Marina, I think CBT might helpful, because there seem to some cognitive distortions going on here. There is no logic to believing the fact that his wife stayed means he has to be a prize. You know this intellectually, yet can’t rid yourself of the belief. I also think that to still be dwelling on this and pining for this guy years later, especially when the relationship was only in the early stages and you know, at least intellectually, that he’s a worthless POS, is odd. It seems like you can’t internalize what you know to be true. I do understand that everybody heals in their own time, but I don’t see any healing at all here, which is unusual. I don’t think there’s any amount of layperson advice that will work, because you’ve already had that advice from your friends. I am usually against therapy, because IMO there are a large number of therapists who don’t know what they’re doing and can do more harm than good, but in this case I think you need a professional to sort out why this continues to consume you. Just check out how qualified the therapist is thoroughly. Ask her/him her/his thoughts on cheating and cheaters before you commit to regular sessions. If there’s any chump blame, get out of there.
I commented earlier that I’ve already sought help and am already making great strides in healing. It may not be apparent from the original letter. It has been a long, hard road, where I’ve buried my pain for years. Please don’t judge my situation as “odd” or “unusual.” No need. Thank you.
Wonderful! Thank you so much for telling me. I normally read all the posts first in case I miss an update, I’m just having a bit of a bad day. My apologies.
By odd or unusual I simply meant that it seems to be somewhat different from the norm. It’s not a value judgement at all, let alone on you. There’s nothing wrong with having an experience that is different from the norm, it’s just that in such a case, I just don’t think the usual advice is very effective. That’s what I was saying, only I was saying it clumsily because my brain isn’t firing on all cylinders. Sorry about that.
No problem at all! I understand where you’re coming from, and the bizarre nature of my emotional understanding not having caught up with my intellectual understanding for years can be confusing for most people when they first learn about my situation. I even acknowledge that I’ve often been confused as to why this is.
I also explained in a previous comment that it was never the ending of our short relationship that was the main source of pain. It was the pain of deception and the sense of trust and safety that the FW shattered in me. That’s what haunted me for so long, rather than mourning the relationship itself. I probably only missed the FW for the first week, but I mourned the loss of safety in my life for YEARS. I also needed to get rid of the notion that being a wife: having the title, the status, the ring, and his last name…are NOT enviable goals in and of themselves. I had a stubborn jealousy of the FW’s wife having those things precisely because I have never been married myself, and I saw her as having been validated in ways I never were. Thankfully these illusions are slowly dissolving. I never wanted to trade places with the wife, nor do I envy her being cheated on, but I did envy the external markers of “success” she secured because I never had those things.
It’s kind of hard to explain, and the people who are most likely understand why I’ve emotionally looped like this are people who have been in similar situations. At any rate, I believe that things are looking up. The majority of this process has been untangling the deceptions and illusions I’ve built to hurt myself, rather than missing or pining after the man himself.
I want to thank everyone who commented earlier today! Your support has been very encouraging. I will now step away from this post and no longer be checking the comments section, as I’m finding that there is a law of diminishing returns with reading these. Some of the later comments have veered over to the judgey side. There’s no need to shame me for having the emotions I’ve had. I’ve already been receiving extraordinary support from very well-trained people, and the original letter I sent probably isn’t an accurate reflection of how I’m currently doing. I’m going to step away and focus on my healing with the individuals who are helping me. Thanks!
Marina! A huge thank you to you for leaving.your creepy user cheater.
My #1 cheater Xs OW hung on for a 3 year affair, unknown to me. She held on to my husband through the delivery of our second child. She hung on through our divorce and then hung on until he married her in Las Vegas 8 years from the time he started cheating with her. So she did what you did not do. Let’s skip ahead 38 years and my cheater is still married to this woman who would not leave. My cheater is debilitated due to obesity and she has to lead him around. He is still mean as a junk yard dog from all reports and is a big bully. She did me a huge favor but I did cry a river going through her wringer of not giving up. What you actually lost is like going to a party and swinging at a piñata with a batch of other woman cheaters who enjoy entertaining married people. One person bams the piñata and what pours out is cow manure from a very sick cow… most everyone is covered but you are not and you are free. Thank you from this Chump to you, for not being an OW and causing such harm. I salute you.
Of course. I would never knowingly get involved with a married/taken man. Had I known he wasn’t 100% single and available, I wouldn’t have touched him with a 10-foot pole.
And the piñata cow manure example really hits home. Glad you don’t have to chaperone a crotchety obese whale around…while the former OW is stuck with that. You can’t pay me enough to do that at any age.
I don’t even know what to say other than “get to therapy to work on why figuring out your BF is a cheater has traumatized you.”
For all you know, his wife stays with him because it’s economically smart or because she has a special needs kids or she’s just a chump who “love” him and can’t find her way to a healthier way of life. I stayed with a drunk for 10 years. She may be as much of a dumbass as I was.
But you? You can go mental no contact and never think about this guy or his wife again. That’s an option for you.
Did you read? I dumped him immediately once I learned he was married and haven’t contacted the dude in years.
Easier said than done to not let this get to you. Most people would feel some sort of way about being on the receiving end of deception. It’s not fun to deal with, and it isn’t nearly as carefree as you think it is. (“Just forget about it” isn’t a thing when you’ve had a brush with a FW). Being scammed is real trauma. Just because I’m not the one married to the FW or are a dumbass for staying with him doesn’t mean his abusive actions didn’t impact me. FWs hurt more than just their spouses, you know.
I’m done. Not checking this site anymore. I think the kindest and most helpful comments are behind me.