Why Am I Single?
Dear Chump Lady,
Frankly, I have had enough. I have gone from making fun of “spinsters” and single women with custody of 50 cats to slowly becoming one of them. And at my ripe old age of 22, too. Maybe this is laughable (scratch that, it most definitely IS laughable) but if I don’t get this out of my system I will probably start fuming (metaphorically and literally).
This isn’t technically about me being cheated on in the traditional sense, although I do feel cheated by fate. I’m an intelligent woman. I have always thrived academically and especially so now — excellent grades, excellent exam results, multiple publications in highly ranked journals, and extra curricular activities too. I’m training to be a doctor and I’m proud of all of my accomplishments. I’m also proud of the fact that I have a semblance of a personality outside of medicine and incredible friendships that I’m grateful for. I have been told that I’m attractive and I think that’s objectively true, but beyond that I’m funny and interesting. A nice little package deal, if you will. I’m not saying that I don’t have flaws, but out of all the red flags in the world, I don’t think that being cynical and short tempered are the worst possible character traits.
So where am I going with this? Well Chump Lady, it’s the fact that I have never sustained male attention for more than 2 weeks. It’s the fact that I have never had a single actual relationship and that I’m tired of explaining all the 101 reasons to my family as to why I am not a closeted lesbian (believe me, sometimes I wish I was). It’s the fact that the last male who I felt was a safe option is another massive flake who doesn’t care about my time and cares even less about how disrespected I feel by his 2 a.m. phone calls. Keep in mind, this is a guy who chased after me first, asked me out on multiple dates, and is now somehow treating me like some sort of Plan B.
Why, Chump Lady? What do these men want? How is everyone and their mother getting into these relationships and I can’t even get a response back within 5 working days? What is so bad about me that nobody sees me as a valuable partner, or at least a first choice?
I know, I know, my worth is not based on male validation and my relationships, yadda yadda yadda. But it’s lonely. It’s humiliating. I am essentially a femcel at this point and it’s making me bitter and resentful. I am trying my hardest to let it go, but every day I move one step closer to misandry.
Any advice is highly appreciated.
Yours,
Radical Femcel
****
Dear Radical Femcel,
Who cares what those men want? If I gave you an answer: giant tits and unquestioned adoration — would you pretzel yourself into inauthentic shapes to win one?
There’s nothing wrong with having standards. I promise you, you could walk into a bar today and get laid. Anyone can, if your requirements are low enough. Which is also the answer to: Why is my cheater in a relationship — and I’m not? Answer: you’re not trash.
But it’s lonely. It’s humiliating.
It’s tough to be a pioneer. You know what’s tougher? Being saddled with a fuckwit.
And Radical — being single is NOT humiliating. That’s some internal script you’ve got running in your head (and it’s out there in the world at large) and you need to chuck it. Just because some fuckboy isn’t interested, that’s no measure of your worth. It means you don’t attract fuckboys. Or if you do, they don’t stick around long because you won’t play their mindfuck games. Yay. Well done.
This is a cause for celebration, not self-flagellation.
It’s the fact that I have never had a single actual relationship and that I’m tired of explaining all the 101 reasons to my family as to why I am not a closeted lesbian
Your love life, or lack of one, is none of their business. Have boundaries. You don’t have to answer intrusive, insulting questions. If you feel compelled to answer, it’s: I’ve been busy studying to be a doctor and publishing my work in academic journals. Also: I’m 20-effing-2-years old.
If you have to put your energies somewhere, I’d say you’ve put them in the right place — furthering your career. That will serve you well in life. 2 a.m. bootie calls with a FW? Not so much. If you don’t believe me, go look in the archives and read all the stories from stay-at-home-mothers who sacrificed their future careers for FWs and got shitcanned as wife appliances.
I hear you say: But I want a boyfriend!
It’s not impossible! My mother — who grew up in an era where women didn’t go to medical school, have career protections, or their own credit cards — once said to me that women’s lives are lived in cycles. School, marriage, babies, later career. But those cycles didn’t always overlap. You could have those things, but maybe not all at once.
I think we’ve made some progress on those fronts — you’re in medical school, gender discrimination is unlawful, and you can have a credit card. But we’re still working out relationships. The right kind of man for you is not going to be intimidated that you’re a doctor. Maybe fuckboys are. The majority of people out there in the dating pool are probably not as serious about their futures as you are. So, I’d look to hang out with people more like you — earnest, committed, educated.
And when you feel defeatist, just think “This is just a window in time.” It’s not FOREVER. It’s right now. You’re not suffering under a curse. You’re not doomed.
What is so bad about me that nobody sees me as a valuable partner, or at least a first choice?
Stop thinking you’re BAD if someone rejects you. Your self worth is something you carry with you. FWs cannot make it wobble.
Just because one — or even a dozen! — FWs reject you, does NOT make you unlovable. It means you’re a bad fit for FWs. And it says nothing about your ability to prosper and connect with a future partner.
Also, yes, hold out for being someone’s first choice. You’re a stock that trades high. Don’t devalue yourself with the pick-me dance.
I am essentially a femcel at this point and it’s making me bitter and resentful.
Work on that. Look, I hate the word “bitter” when it’s applied to chumps — people who’ve been abused and have every right to be angry at injustice. But kid, you’re a young overachiever who doesn’t have a boyfriend. They aren’t required. And it’s not an injustice to be a late bloomer at romance. So, please, try to stay positive.
I didn’t find true love until I was 42. I spent my twenties and thirties learning the hard lessons that made me Chump Lady. I don’t regret my life, but if I could do some things differently at your age, I would’ve focussed on my career and my art interests over men. Please chill. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you — and it’s a very promising life!
I’m not saying that I don’t have flaws, but out of all the red flags in the world, I don’t think that being cynical and short tempered are the worst possible character traits.
Work on that. Think about who is attracted to “cynical and short-tempered.” Do you want an encouraging, positive partner who’s patient with you? Then you need to bring those qualities to the table too. Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity.
I’m not saying you can’t be snarky. (I’m the queen of snark.) Or have some less than wonderful character traits. But don’t lead with them. Don’t define yourself by them. Like “femcel.” Don’t set yourself up as less than.
In friendship, at work, and in romance — people are attracted to positive energy. I don’t mean this in the misogynistic You Should Smile More! sense. I mean keep an open mind. Be curious about new people. Don’t imagine them rejecting you off the bat. If they do? Okay, whatever. Next. But don’t start there.
Twenty-two is too young for misandry. I think you’re destined for great things, kid. Stay strong.
P.S. And keep on blowing up the patriarchy you mighty woman you! You are f’ing awesome …
She isn’t blowing up the patriarchy, she’s internalizing it. Openly acknowledging she laughed at older single women, panicking at being single at 22 … hardly a feminist.
Thank you 🥺❤️
Grab some diapers and a binkie for all the 17-35 year old men out there. Well 95% of them.Seriously!! I dated them at 20 and those brains ARE NOT MATURED YET. LEAVE THEM ALONE,!!!!Go get your Microbiology book out and study. SAVE YOURSELF!! Unless you just want Sex and nothing else or you like to listen to their life sob stories, it is all KRYPTONITE.Keep your own super powers. Alot of people who push you to date are MISERABLE yes they are. Even the married ones. They want your company. Fly be free, don’t look now…some grown up man will love you for who you are but not now. The park is full of disasters right now at 22. Keep your body strong. The guys who drop you CANNOT LOVE..their brains are not developed. Now go to class and be a doctor and wait. Sending hugs and praying you stay 💪.
Apparently the whole “brain matures at 25” thing originates from a web meme, isn’t based on science and has been largely disproven. https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html. It seems some eight year olds can have totally developed brains while some 50 year olds don’t.
But, that said, I think it’s just common sense that people take different amounts of time to mature. Sometimes it’s for good reasons like, say, neurologically normal but awkward brainiacs needing more time to get their social sea legs and sometimes even physically maturing later. Or sometimes it’s for not-so-good reasons, like entitled brats staying juvenile forever because daddy buys their way out of consequences or Cluster B personality disorders due to internalized dysfunctional FOO horrors that create petrified perma-babies.
Life would seem a lot easier if all these things were visible by brain scans. Imagine the day when employment contracts and prenups could include getting scanned in coin-operated booths. But so far most of the brain scan studies that supposedly determine personality development or criminality have turned out to be either unreplicable in peer review or outright scams that didn’t control for stuff like structural changes to the brain caused by past or current drug/toxic exposure or closed head injury, etc. I suppose there’s an upside that science is still very far away from creating Orwellian Thought Police.
This made me laugh out loud 🙂 On my way to class right now as we speak! Thank you for your words.
AMEN! I was just writing something like this when the site blinked and I got bumped.
Brain maturity occurs mid to late 20’s. That’s proven neuroscience and an excellent fun fact to remember when you are choosing a romantic partner, or being one.
Aim for emotional maturity, psychological health, integrity, and a demonstrable working moral compass. In yourself and others. Committed long term healthy relationships cannot be created with otherwise.
Chemistry without character is a recipe for heartbreak.
I wish I had known this when I was 22.
Focus on your awesome goals and achievements. Relationships take time and energy and attention I personally can’t imagine having while in school as our letter writer. My daughter is a junior in high school and is choosing to focus on school. I am really proud of her for doing so. I was chasing boys and drugs and alcohol and have regrets to this day.
Butterflies land on your shoulder on their timetable, not on demand. And you want a butterfly landing on you, not a good looking venomous snake.
“Chemistry without character is a recipe for heartbreak.”
Thank you, Velvet! Well said!
Remember, you have value and worth, only you have to know and internalize it. Don’t live by FOMO. I am learning that lesson the hard way 13 years later.
I’m 57 and I could have written this letter. Even when I was her age. I wanted to be loved so much that I put aside my own needs in a relationship and accepted whomever looked sideways at me. “Oh, I’m being paid attention to!” And regretted it each and every time.
Now, 8 years out from divorce and exactly 1 day during that time, I am realizing that I like being on my own. I like not bending myself to fit someone else’s needs. Other than wishing for a bit of touch now and again, I really am liking the old cat lady image more and more as time goes on.
But you’re young and have lots of adventures to experience in this world still. And hopefully a like-minded playmate will appear for you when you least expect it.
‘I wanted to be loved so much that I put aside my own needs in a relationship and accepted whomever looked sideways at me. “Oh, I’m being paid attention to!”’
Oh yes, Skunkcabbage, this was me, too. And you live to regret that, big time. :/
It’s so funny because, statistically, us old happily married ladies are going to outlive our husbands. We are going to be ‘alone with our cats’, not because we are undeserving of love, but because our statistical life expectancy is longer and our children are most likely grown and living in their own households.
As a person who has already been widowed, I have a very realistic view of this. Im remarried to a lovely man but he is older and has more medical issues than the seemingly healthy Cheater who died. I am so glad that I am with him and I have gratitude, but Im not going to marry again. I dont want to accommodate anyone else. I will have a cottage and a dog and a fabric sofa (why do all men need leather sofas?). I do however hope for more years with Husband 2.0
“why do all men need leather sofas?”
🤣 Laughing because my girlfriend came over just yesterday (she says she’s Sofia, yes we’re all recreating golden girls someday) and spread out a blanket before sitting on my second hand leather couch that used to be my dad’s, like “why does anyone ever want a leather couch??”
Oh good, Im glad it’s not just me hating leather sofas. I will clarify that nice, new husband and I are the same age as each other, but it has been 11 years since Cheater died (kind of young) so we are both older than deceased Cheater…the way I worded it make it should like I had married someone much older than me (not that there is anything wrong with that). Husband 2.0 is sweet and cute but I worry his weight (he carries it well but it is there) will be his undoing and I won’t nag him about it every day.
I feel for you, Unicornnomore! I AM dating someone “much” older than me, nearly 11 years older. And while he’s careful about his health, high cholesterol and gout are both common in the men of his family, and he’s had signs of both just since we’ve been dating. He’s kind of sensitive about being older, stupid things losing his hair etc. that I don’t care about because overall he looks great and people assume he’s my age. Yet he doesn’t understand the very real concerns women have about ending up alone and older/poorer to boot. My concern about his age has nothing to do with how attractive he is.
We’re not going to marry, but want to live together – which sounds like a smart/cautious choice unless you consider I could be in a big house on my own if he passed unexpectedly.
And it just sounds insensitive to say all that… until it happens.
Never thought of it this way! That’s a great point.
True. According to global stats, women generally outlive men by 7 to 8 years so it makes a certain amount of sense for women to marry a bit younger– that is, if they wish to marry for true love and don’t really want to spend the last decade or two of their lives as widows. By that token, consider the possibility that your future husband is still in middle school. You’ll have to be a little patient in that case lol.
Yes, aim for quality, always. I can’t emphasize that enough. Even in your 20s, it isn’t worth wasting your time and emotional energy on anything less.
I am decades older than you and divorced, but I’m not seeing much quality among the guys who are interested in me. Just not happening. And that’s OK. I married in my 30’s, thinking I was set for long-term, and I wasn’t. But I remain a quality person and only deserve a quality man. I don’t know if it will happen, but I’m fine if it doesn’t. I try to live in the present and enjoy what is.
Radical, I’m 56. I was very successful academically. I was born very intelligent. I had a variety of interests and hobbies ranging from drama to horseback riding to reading to weightlifting. I’m objectively on the very attractive side. Yet, I also had the belief that I was not enough without a man, any man. I was lonely in a crowd of friends. I was chosen to lead my grades but felt unwanted. I attribute this to my extremely dysfunctional (but wealthy) parents (sociopaths, cheaters, abusive physically and mentally, addict/alcoholics). I attained the highest level in my career and married two cheaters. They abandoned me and our kids. I wish I had felt my intrinsic worth. Waited for a person who had integrity as their #1 trait. I hope you do. Your future depends on it.
A thousand times this. I am an overachiever – successful in business, and also not too hard on the eyes. I should have spent my 20’s being incredibly picky about who I dated, but I honestly dated anyone who seemed interested. I was so thrilled that someone liked me, I never really stopped to think if I liked them.
So I spent 20 years married to a disordered guy who treated me poorly. I earned all the money while he “figured things out.” I did all the parenting. I did all the everything, which suited him just fine, because the busier I was the more distracted I was.
And through all that, I thought, “Well this is the best I can do. No one else will ever love me.”
Cut to after my divorce a guy asked me out for coffee. I was so amazed and excited that someone would ask! I wasn’t even attracted to him, but I went and hung on his every word. At some point in-between him talking about drinking hand sanitizer, and saying how he is 43 but his last girlfriend was 28 – I snapped into reality for probably the first time.
I thought “What am I doing?! I don’t even like this person AT ALL. Why am I trying so hard to get HIM to like me? Why do I care if garbage people like me? I like me!”
I hightailed it out of there and then blocked him.
Those are some really cool hobbies! Do you still engage with them? A handful of my friends are into weightlifting and they absolutely love it.
I am sorry to hear about your cheating exes. Cheating is one of the few categorically evil things in the world with 0 excuse. I do not wish any of them well.
You sound really really lovely and interesting. I appreciate your insight and advice, and will carry them in the back of my mind in the future.
I’m 40 and planning to join a local lifting gym after the holidays. I’m super excited about it. Every woman I know who lifts LOVES LOVES LOVES it.
I did well in college and have done well in my career but hoo boy, I could’ve accomplished even more if I’d focused more on ME and less time worrying about men. Don’t ever take a guy’s bad behavior personally. It’s his own damn fault if he behaves like a shit, not a reflection on your worthiness. A good dude would treat you right without having to pull teeth, and even if he wasn’t interested, he’d be upfront about it and not jerk you around.
You’re in medical school! That’s awesome! What else would feed your soul? Volunteer work? Learning to cook? Joining a hiking group? The sky’s the limit. If I was 22 again, I’d be doing an internship and learning Spanish. I don’t need the internship at this point in my life, but I’ve finally started learning Spanish.
There’s great men out there and the irony is, you’re more likely to find them the more energy you pour into yourself. You won’t find them contorting yourself for guys who aren’t looking to be kept, you’ll only make yourself small for guys who will make you miserable.
True story: My 18-year old cousin wants to marry his girlfriend and is planning his education and career accordingly. Is she actually the one? We’ll see.
But it says a lot about him that he knows what he wants, and what he wants is to be a husband. That didn’t come from his girlfriend, it came from him: HIS character, HIS maturity, HIS desire to be a partner. You can’t implant that in a person, it comes from within them.
It’s cliche but true – the best way to find a person who’s ready to be a partner is to become that partner for yourself.
So, why were you making fun of “spinsters” and single women with all those tired jokes about cats?
You say you have a lot of great friendships, but you don’t mention asking your friends about why you can’t find quality partners or hang onto relationships – you write to a cheating-advice site for dating advice instead?
You’ve decided that the best emotional solution to not having a decent boyfriend as a 22-year-old premed student is to become a femcel?
…..LW are you hearing yourself?
I’m glad someone else noticed that. This is a mean girl situation.
No, it’s a learning situation. I deleted the bitch comment. Let’s keep it civil, please.
Because kids are mean. Especially when they’re in high school. Do I regret that? Sure, but let’s cut me a little slack. I was 16 and unaware of things.
I do have great friendships, and I love each and every one of them, but I have also been a huge fan of Chump Lady for some time and I figured, why not ask someone who’s clearly much wiser (and has a fanbase for a reason) what she thinks? New perspective is good, especially when it comes from an actual adult with life experience.
I did not say that I want to become a femcel. I said that I am starting to feel like one. Obviously a bit exaggerated, but it’s just a letter, not an autobiography. I am rational generally, but I think we can all be forgiven when our emotions get the best of us. Just a caveat of being a human.
Sure, but what I’m trying to draw your attention to is that you have a throughline – going all the way back to when you were a teen – of seeing a woman’s worth as whether she’s partnered with a man. You may be less misogynist than you were as a kid, but it’s still an ongoing process to fix, right?
And your friends know you. We can all give general advice, but your friends are the ones who know and see you, and they are the ones who can tell you that you need to fix your picker, or that your sarcasm is offputting, or that there are plenty of shy guys in your orbit but it’s the jerks who have been bold enough to approach you. (However, ignore any advice from friends who tell you to be “less intimidating” or dumb yourself down.)
Also, as an Old, I promise you: someday you are going to look back on 22-year-old you who was convinced that you’re doomed to live as a solitary hag because you don’t have a boyfriend, and you’re going to want to build a time machine to go back and tell yourself to cut it out.
Great comment, every line of it. RibEyeSteak, listen to this.
RES–
Well argued– “just a caveat of being human.” The other alternative is being a cyborg. Not very cuddly, frankly, and makes for very bad standup comics. To quote Maya Angelou, “When we know better, we do better.”
Speaking of personal growth and the journey away from internalized misogyny, I always cringe with shame over something HORRIBLE I said at 14. Granted the comment was aimed at an older classmate who was a violent bully. She had begun dating a much older douchebag and showed up at school with a black eye. I turned to a friend who was also terrified of the girl in question and said, “Oh look, she’s wearing the token of his love.”
That got a laugh, I’m ashamed to say. Because what an awful, revolting, victim-blaming, WRONG thing to joke about. I was just spitting back out some cultural bit of bs I’d randomly picked up and aiming it at someone I didn’t like. The fact I was raised by feminist parents kind of goes to show how easy it is for females to internalize misogynistic views, especially when young, because they are EVERYWHERE.
If I believed in Karma– which I don’t– I might have thought that the multiple attempted sexual assaults I experienced (always got away in the nick of time) starting as a college intern were somehow punishments for my youthful brain fart. Instead I know those experiences were just par for the course from working in the rapey, pre-#MeToo media industry with it’s glut of mini-Weinsteins running amok. It was no more my fault than it was the fault of that girl that she ended up getting battered. Even being a bully herself wasn’t magical protection against being victimized (she was probably a bully precisely because she thought it was magically protective) because this can happen to anyone.
From my own experiences in college and beyond, I ended up working as a resource advocate for survivors of domestic violence. Bystanders assumed that was a really depressing thing to do but, in reality, it was incredibly inspiring and I’d recommend it for anyone who’s trying to resolve the meaning of life or issues related to gender, relationships, etc., etc.. Part of our training was doing deep dives into cutting edge clinical research which debunked all the moldy-old victim blaming theories of yore. Then advocates would often have the great privilege of watching the nearly magical results of helping to unburden recently traumatized clients of all that stupid cultural and clinical blame and watch many of the latter transform into kickass activists in their own rights who would cheerfully help other survivors.
Uprooting internalized misogyny and debunking victim blaming was like helping to lift stones off people’s backs and watching them fly, sometimes exceeding those presuming to be helpers which is wonderfully humbling. I even saw one of our former clients on Nancy Grace about a decade ago as part of her press junket eloquently and intelligently calling attention to the effects of domestic abuse and talking about her personal takedown of her politically powerful batterer father. My jaw was on the floor. I was jumping up and down hooting like I was watching the World Cup and even scared my kids (so I had to explain why which began the kids’ ongoing educations in social justice).
I think this was one of the most important educational experiences I ever had because I think it created greater political immunity to every form of social Calvinism and victim-blaming imaginable. The understanding can make invisible barriers between people– regardless of nationality, class, gender, profession, age, etc.– fall away and now that I spend time living and traveling in different countries, I feel like the world has no borders. I’m often amazed at the people I meet. The battles they fought in their lives may not particularly resemble my own experience but we understand each other instantly because of this basic concept that sometimes bad things happen to good people. It may be a dark thing to bond over but it the bonding itself is quite cheerful.
That brings me to the issue of “misandry”. Though I understand you’re kind of joking about the femcel/misandry thing, one of the things I learned from doing advocacy was to reject– and I mean *thoroughly* reject like scraping the last crusted over residue stuck to the bottom of my psyche– was the old “man hating/misandry” trope that’s aimed at women who stand up for themselves or try to politically fight abuse and inequality. It’s absolutely absurd to call this kind of advocacy “misandry” when you realize that, for one, when DV overlaps child abuse (which it does 84% of the time), the children most likely to be injured or killed by abusers are male children for some reason. Plus there’s the fact that violent men– who invariably grew up in abusive circumstances– kill other men 8 times more often than they even kill women. Over time you start to realize that women are merely footballs in the deadly war of a minority of violent men against other men. Thirdly, though injury abuse and domestic murder committed by women may be relatively less common than the reverse, some men can end up getting abused too. Fourthly, only someone who believes that *all* men are rapey marauders and criminals would assume that fighting against DV was an attack on all men.
What a sad world view the latter is. It’s just not one that I happen to share, thank God, and neither do a lot of the decent men I know (no matter the country). Objecting to all forms of domestic abuse helps the whole world, maybe even especially boys and men. It’s just a branch of humanism, period, or like any other fight against injustice.
The newest evolution in this fight is the campaign to criminalize “coercive control” or subviolent forms of domestic abuse that most victims cite as the most paralyzing aspect of DV even beyond assault. To the degree that most cheaters also employ “coercive control” against victims and that– as one discovers when working in the trenches of DV advocacy– virtually all batterers cheat, it’s another case where learning to stand up for yourself and other people also contributes to a wider campaign for justice and equality that, in the end, helps everyone.
I’m not religious but believe in advocacy in a ripple-in-the-pond way. There’s a wonderful description of this in a novel called “Wild Berries” by Yvgeny Yetvushenko about how there’s a “cloud of evil” and a “cloud of good” that circle the world. We can contribute to one or the other and they then rain down on all of us.
So, just as far as your personal journey, congrats on finding CL and CN even if you haven’t personally experienced being chumped because this place is quite a hub of groundbreaking thought-farming and advocacy against coercive control. It’s a “cloud of good” and thanks for contributing to it. And welcome to the dark side, we have rather revolutionary cookies here. 😀
I always learn things from your post HoaC. Thank you for taking the time to introduce us to important ideas. My daughter taught me about internalized mysogyny and I thought (at first)she was totally wrong, but in observation,I have realized she is right. Hating all men or all women for the deeds of some will never be right and recognizing that our internalized hate influences our behavior is needed for change.
I am currently considering retiring from my life’s work which has long meant the world to me because my female boss is (I believe) unknowingly acting as a flying monkey in reinforcing anti-female bias at work. There is a glass ceiling that few (very well paid people) rise above and those below are left to flounder. Im to the point where even being there and working for seriously unfair wages is perpetuation the wrong. I wish you were sitting in my house so we could talk about it. I bet you would say something helpful.
Unicornnomore–
In days of yore before internet we would have all been local to each other and meeting in kitchens instead of spread out around the world!
It seems like your perspective is getting crystal clear– not only about interpersonal relationships and gender equality but also justice and fairness in general.
It’s so interesting how that happens– we enter one humanitarian cause portal (sometimes by necessity) and end up with increasing awareness for all others. Which is wonderful but kind of challenging at the same time. It also kind of shows you why the mainstream message isn’t that supportive of survivors of interpersonal abuse: because once someone starts standing up for themselves, seeing their worth and seeing through every form of suppression and gaslighting, they become harder to fool in general and can become glorious cage-rattlers.
If the main reason you’re considering retiring is a crappy boss, bad pay and poor organizational issues at work but otherwise would have preferred continuing to work, are there other employment options where you live? Even volunteer work for some meaningful cause that could eventually lead to a paid position? Or being the Little Red Hen (who has to do things herself to see them done right) and starting your own venture?
It sounds like you have a lot to offer and you’d be much happier in a place that had a bit of vision and ethics and a better organizational philosophy that reflects your sharpened perspective.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. My work now is niche work within a specialty that is also a niche and even being employed in it is rare (there are only 4 people in my state certified to do this work). I also have a lovely home far from cities and I dont want to leave it nor do I want to commute far, so my preferences are limiting my options.
I am, in addition my normal work, possibly rather qualified to assist people in completing Advance Directives – which is so desperately needed in our society now. I would love to figure out how I could get a gig doing this.
You may remember that I am a religious person and I felt VERY STRONGLY that God lead me right to the spot to do my work and Im hopeful that the right steps will be clear – even of they require great faith to take them.
You seem to have a keen sense of where your work may be needed. I wish you great fortune in following your instincts and the light of your faith.
Emotions aside for a second… incels are creepy men who keep getting rejected because they scare women. Many have even murdered women. The FBI is literally tracking incel violence now because it’s such a serious public safety threat.
“Femcels” don’t exist because there’s no equivalent comparison. Women do not stalk and murder men, nor do we seek to control and subjugate them.
And unless you have an egregious character flaw you’re not telling us, then you’re not actually being rejected, these guys are simply weeding themselves out.
All this to say, I hear your frustration but please be careful of the language you use to describe yourself.
You could get a boyfriend tomorrow if you erased all your standards and tolerated 2am bootie calls from guys who would make terrible boyfriends if they stuck around. The most wonderful woman in the world can’t make a man commit when he doesn’t want to. We can’t change other people. It’s not possible and not our job.
“Femcel” seems to be more a popular term on niche subreddits. Definitely does not compare to incels, you are right. Those men are deeply troubled. Big big yikes.
I like the idea of guys weeding themselves out rather than flat out rejecting me. I think that’s a more realistic way of framing things.
You’re right, language matters. Fuck it, I’m no femcel. Just a radical gal, radically doing my own thing from now on.
Also, keep in mind incels 20 years ago were adamantly saying women can’t be incels because “you can get sex any time you want!” Now they’re changed their tune to try to draw a false equivalence to minimize their own bad behavior. Don’t fall for it.
Reddit is a misogynistic cesspit of dudes looking to blame women for their problems. My life got a lot easier when I stopped hanging out there. Just sayin’.
I sometimes get a kick out of Female Dating Strategy on reddit. Content varies and not all is that well thought out but it’s openly “radfem” and often hosts news stories, statistics and concepts that are typically buried by the MSM. It’s helped me stay abreast for my teen kids.
Funny how it’s actually my teen sons who rail against the whole Weinstein/rapey public figure/Epstein island thing more than my daughter. Though I’m generally not impressed with “genetic behaviorism” theories that too often smack of “neugenics,” it’s sort of interesting how my sons are taking after my father who used to speak for the NOW organization on equality in education. Is radical feminism genetic?? LOL
Fellow FDS fan (minus the transphobia, which I don’t get). It’s the only feminist space on the internet I’ve found that speaks unapologetically about boundaries and standards for women without centering men.
Your sons are awesome and I’m glad they’re actively thinking about this stuff. I’m deeply worried for the next generation, with the rise of incel violence and the normalization of increasingly violent porn.
Yes, I also steer clear of the transphobia but agree with the group’s attitude towards porn and sex work.
I started educating my kids about the sex industry early on because the advent of streaming porn always looked like a fatal Orwellian trap to me. I’m not religious but I think that industry “robs souls” by permanently altering sexual templates and steering them towards sexual violence and pedophilia, thereby permanently impairing empathy. That coupled with violent video games starts to smack of psyops to turn the next generation into a mindless army of idiots capable of committing atrocities on command.
To me, the trouble is that, buried in our ancient lizard brains and ape ancestry is a taste for rapey Clockwork Orange violence. If you read Wrangham’s openly feminist primatology treatise, “Demonic Males: Apes and the Evolution of Human violence, it’s arguable that things like violent commercial porn may merely unlock those buried tendencies. But Wrangham makes the case that it would be better to leave that shit (and all the other fun “natural” tendencies that come with it like infanticide and cannibalism) buried and push ourselves in another direction as a species, namely towards gender equality.
Also, good on you educating your kids about porn and sex work while they’re young. Sad that this even needs to be a parenting conversation these days, but here we are.
The other thing that bothers me is the porn industry and the sex trafficking industry not only overlap, they’re a circle. Women in porn get abused and traumatized, and for what? Who’s making all the money? Who owns all the porn companies? It’s men, not women. Porn is just pimping with extra steps. It’s an evil business, and it’s been so normalized, which is terrifying.
I told all my kids early on that the “simu-rapes” in porn are generally actually rapes, that many performers get hooked on painkillers because of how violently they’re abused during filming and an estimated 20 or 30% of the performers appearing in porn may already be dead (from violence, overdose, suicide, etc., all of which directly relates to industry and trafficking abuse). The kids were all like “AGGGHHH, EEEK, PEOPLE JERKING OFF TO CORPSES!!”
Okay, so most dinners are peppered with Epstein island jokes but told with the right spirit (that powerful people often abuse power and abusers of power are contemptible) and I feel like my teens are becoming more and more immune to ever getting ensnared in that vicious trap. I’m the hand that rocks the cradle and I rock it hard, folks. 😉
My friend, the men who will be attracted to you are too busy going to school and getting their heads together. They know their worth and are waiting until they are ready for a relationship. You need to have a bit of patience. Also, you need to work on that short-tempered issue. Angry is NOT attractive. At all.
Please take this time to enjoy being single. There are many, many good things about not having to check with someone else before you make plans or spend money. When you are partnered you have to be selfless. You have to be kind and giving. Are you ready for that?
Heck yeah, I’m ready to be kind and giving :). but also will not rush into anything after having read all of this advice. I agree, it’s important to enjoy being single and in our own company, and I think I mostly do! But sometimes my confidence is a little bruised, if you get me. It’s a work in progress.
Cynical is emotionally draining and exhausting, especially if it’s the default world view in conversations. The most cynical people I know are what I would call “energy vampires.”
LW should keep focusing on school, embrace kindness and opportunity. I know it’s hard not to feel less than without a partner when your entire family is asking why you aren’t partnered, but keep going your own way.
I think cynicism can be a couple of things. In abusive personalities, it can be a rationalization to commit abuse by insisting that no one is truly innocent. It’s a way abusers convince themselves that no one is really morally better than them too.
But, conversely, in basically decent people, I think cynicism can be a result of not being surgical and specific enough in whom they hate or have contempt for or harbor suspicions towards. I know it’s not a popular concept among positive thinkers but I believe hate and anger have their uses. Like an advocate I knew used to put it (I’ve repeated this often), “Emotions are like colors in a paint box. None are either good nor bad. All that matters is what picture you paint with them.” It’s arguably a *good* picture to fight against genuine evil and if that requires “hating” the evil or anger at the evil as a kind of fuel, so be it. Where hate and anger go wrong is when their either too generalized or when used to harm the harmless.
My abusive Cheater used to say “no one is innocent”…I got chills reading what you wrote. I am far from perfect, but I was innocent of the things he accused me of when he railed at me. I agree that hate has a place.
I did try to teach abusive cheater that anger and rage had a place – to give us strength fight truly horrible injustice or to save the truly victimized…it was NOT created to hurt an manipulate ones own family.
You might get a lot out of reading Primo Levi’s The Drowned and the Saved. In the very extreme context of the Holocaust, he tackles the universal issue of perpetrator cynicism and how perpetrators feel compelled to bring victims down to their own level (his famous theory of the “Gray Zone”) in order to “prove” that no one is innocent. He wrote, “to confuse [the perpetrators] with their victims is a moral disease or an aesthetic affectation or sinister sign of complicity…it is precious service rendered to the negators of truth,”
Radical Femcel,
Imagine being 20 years old when an article in Newsweek hits the stands that said (and I’m summarizing) if you were a 40 year old white, female you had a better shot of being captured by terrorists than getting married. They retracted at some point but the damage was done.
Please don’t let your inner voice that is directed by stupid societal “norms” influence your choice of mates. Ask me how I know! It’s worth waiting for the right one and forgoing the FW parade. No matter how long it takes.
Yay, my parents gave me a copy of Susan Faludi’s “Backlash” (the origin of the studious debunking of that “terrorist strike/marriage stat” bit of bull) in high school.
They even mentioned that article in Sleepless in Seattle because it was so pervasive at the time.
I did not see that article, but wow… crazy comparison!! You are right. Everyone who’s commented, and CL too of course, is right. But it feels good to hear smarter people giving their advice 🙂
RES–
Old book but still (sadly) relevant and a must-read: https://www.amazon.com/Backlash-Undeclared-Against-American-Women/dp/0307345424 Journalist Susan Faludi was the first to really tear apart that fabricated marriage stat and many other cultural myths that continue to be used like sticks to beat women into droopy, discouraged submission. Faludi also followed this up with a book titled “Stiffed” about how these myths also destroy men. Brilliant, enduring stuff.
Oh yes, I do remember that article. I remember how easily the men in the dating pool copped an attitude, too.
Oh sweetie, I had this exact same conversation with my daughter about two weeks ago.
22 is a great age to be single, and finding a good man is more important than finding a man before your 23rd birthday.
Good advice to your daughter! Also bear in mind that “23” is considered the “wall” when sexual attractiveness supposedly ends… by hardcore porn junkies who are all arguably quasi pedophiles (because that’s what content steers them towards). Consider the (icky, sick, twisted) source.
RF,
There are worse things than being single, and at the top of the list is being in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. You clearly know your own worth and aren’t prepared to accept second best, which is very much in your favour. All I can advise is to be patient, remember that you are the real deal and don’t accept less than you are worthy of.
You’ve got this.
LFTT
I am old. If not exactly from the age of the dinosaurs, then probably the cretaceous era. I have also lived a ridiculously full life with many twists and turns, and while I’ve made some colossal mistakes, my judgement is good. And for the record, my most colossal mistakes were two husbands — really really awful husbands.
So, from my vast treasure trove of hard-won knowledge and experience, here are my best pointers:
Good luck! Now get out there and dazzle the world with exactly who you are.
Point #5 is what I was trying to get through to my daughter (27) who was in the thick of awful dating for a number of years. She won’t eventual me the worst of behaviors she was subject to but my advice was pretty much #5. She ran into a guy she met freshman year of college when his brain was far from formed and now 8 years later, he is that great guy who looks like actual husband material.
I will add that I married in the 80s when society screamed rather loudly at both men and women that marriage was expected. I wanted it but the man I married didnt. From what I learned since he died, he didnt have the personality to marry anyone. As a military officer, though, benefits for ones partner were only given for marriage and pressure came from all sides. Maybe it’s better now that men won’t feel pressure to marry and if they really just want to be a f**kboy then they can go off and be one. You are better off to stay single than to marry someone who doesnt want to be married.
Perfectly stated! God, I wish I’d read this when I was 22!
I am taking note of everything you said, metaphorically and literally! Amazing pointers, thank you for sharing them today. I was especially struck by your comment on “practice relationships.” I firmly used to believe that you needed practice to have a “good” future long term relationship. This has completely shifted my perspective. Seriously, thank you, this is awesome.
Also, “bathes semi regularly” made me giggle. I love that. I mean, I get that people’s water bills are increasing but come on, a shower a day won’t kill ya or your wallet!
☺️
Especially since the Andrew Tate followers of the world seem to be increasingly bragging about not bathing or brushing their teeth and then demanding their partners put up with it almost like a “shit test” to measure macho dominance. I think it’s great because thou shalt know the assholes by their stench lol. Makes polishing the picker a bit simpler.
This is terrific advice!
OK SomedayDr.Kiddo, you led with an offensive stereotype, of being a single woman living with 2/3/50 cats. If that’s cynical you, we probably wouldn’t be friends. I’m 72, have 3 cats, and I’m no longer cleaning men’s pee off the bathroom floor. I’m also an academic, an athlete, and a movie nerd, among other things.
Twenty-two is way too young for cynicism, defined as “an inclination to believe that people are motivated purely by self-interest.” Even your very smart, super-achieving brain isn’t yet fully developed and while they may be invisible to you, there are many people in your own world who do not operate out of self-interest alone. You wrote to one. CL is not getting rich writing this blog or having her podcast. But her efforts have helped (and saved) many people from wasting time in abusive relationships. There are aid workers in Gaza right now trying to save people, against steep odds. There is probably someone you know who has adopted a special needs dog or tutors kids with learning disabilities. You haven’t earned the right to be cynical; you have probably been on the receiving end of lots of help, lots of kindness over the years. 22-year olds don’t publish in major journals without help and support from mentors. CL was a lot kinder on this front, but I’m saying cynicism might be one reason you aren’t finding a good match.
The other issue is more difficult to tackle in your 20s. Confident, high intelligent women who are attractive and successful professionally are picking from a smaller pool of men. That’s not saying everyone you date has to be your equal on all matters; I know many female academics married to men who work in the trades–contractors, electricians, etc. But you need a man who is also confident, intelligent and successful (by his metric) who will not be intimidated or competitive with you. I once had a man tell me he “couldn’t” date me because I had my own home; on the other hand, I had to weed out the ones who wanted nothing more than to live in that home with access to my paycheck.
The ticket is to keep plugging away at your education, to develop other interests that will broaden your horizon, and pay attention as much to your own character as to the externals of intelligence, career success, and good looks. Be kind. Be interested in others. Be one of the helpers. And pay attention when you see others who are the same. That’s the tribe you want to belong to; that’s the tribe where the happiness can be found.
LovedAJackass gives an abundance of great, sensitive advice here.
Agree with the offensive stereotype being very off-putting at the outset for me. (And I don’t own cats.) Just making fun of people in general … I don’t get it. I didn’t do that when I was 16 either.
CL is a legend. I have read plenty of her posts and she speaks with a level of wisdom and understanding that I haven’t seen very often. I am surprised that she chose to answer my silly little letter, but boy am I glad she did! Acts of kindness make the world a better place. It’s why I chose the profession that I did 🙂
I guess “cynical” was the wrong word to use, perhaps “skeptic” would have been better. I know how horrible things are in the world. The situation in Gaza breaks my heart. I am not denying that people go through unimaginable pain. To be frank, I have gone through (actually, still am!) a far more difficult and scary situation in my private life than my relationship woes, but the latter was kind of the cherry on top, if you know what I mean. Trivial things are sometimes enough to set people off. It is annoying, but temporary.
I have been on the receiving end of lots of kindness in my life, which makes me so incredibly grateful. I have also been on the giving end of it too, which makes me just as happy. Of course my personality could use some polishing, but I do think I am a kind person at the end of the day, or at the very least, a self aware one 🙂
PS– cats are great. I wish I had a furry companion, but my landlord won’t allow it
A word of advice you didn’t ask for, but I wish someone had told me this when I was your age: Being the “cool girl” won’t save you.
I thought I was so clever criticizing other women – for being single, for not living up to unfair societal ideals, for whatever. In hindsight, it was a defense mechanism. I thought if I shat on other women, I’d be safe, I’d be respected, men would finally treat me better… when the truth was, it never got me anything I wanted. Because men who hated women still hated me no matter what I did.
Being the “cool girl” can also mean lowering your standards in the hope some guy will pick you – if only if you’re a little quieter, a little bit less. If you stop complaining, if you tolerate his disrespect, if you act like one of the guys, if you think it’s funny to shit on women too.
Sounds like you’re not lowering your standards just to get a boyfriend, which is good. But I hope you see why judging other women for being “spinsters with cats” is equally self-defeating.
It’s one of the biggest lies of misogyny: Be the cool girl, and you’ll get picked. It’s bullshit. It’s a false bill of sale to keep women at each other’s throats rather than support each other, because men who behave badly know when women work together, we move mountains and don’t tolerate disrespect.
BTW, google the history of the word spinster. It meant an unmarried woman who made her living spinning wool and was financially independent – astonishing in a time when women literally depended on men to survive. Women in America couldn’t even open their own bank accounts as late as the 1970s. Spinsters in the 19th century answered to no one but themselves. They controlled their own money, and with it their own bodies and their own destinies. No wonder they scared the pants off the establishment.
A little food for thought the next time you hear the word spinster and think it’s a bad thing.
I am all for us retaking the word spinster! I am proud to be one. The very best part of being divorced is managing my own money and knowing no one else can touch it.
My husband had secret credit cards, and spent large sums without consulting me even though he didn’t work. I thought we had talked about money, and that he was “on board” with our mutual plans. Nope. He just agreed and then did what he wanted anyway.
Go you, getting away from him and taking back your life.
Some solid perspective there!
The OP did mention that this was a fleeting belief at age 16 and not how she currently sees things. But you bring up a worthy discussion about how hubris towards other women is the ultimate trap. The whole “not like other girls” thing has forged into the contemptuous acronym “NLOG” for a reason. It sets women up for a favorite pickme dance-inciting manipulative tactic of narcissists, sometimes called “indirect influence.” Indirect influence refers to how manipulative individuals– “narcs”– may tell new partners about all the bad and terrible and unattractive things the narcs’ exes supposedly did as a means of making new partners put on their red shoes and dance themselves to death trying to prove they’re nothing like those horrible, contempible exes.
Funny how most of the “contemptible” traits that narcs assign to exes have to do with things like, say, self assertion, having their own independent lives and opinions, healthy boundaries, etc. This is how women often get “trained” out of acting in their own interests. And the initial “bait” is the chance to compete against other women. Anyway, best to never take the bait.
“hubris towards other women is the ultimate trap”
I was guilty of this…one of my worst moments was “I wonder which dude in husband’s guy-group will be the first to dump his wife”
I was SO sure that I had something all figured out…now, I cant even remember what that was
The answer was my husband was, he tried to dump me for Susan but was only willing to do it if I agreed since he is averse to accountability
I pick-me danced and refused to throw him out and I ended up in a 7 year wreckonsillyation
Yeah, I wasn’t sure how current the belief was for OP, and I’m definitely not criticizing her. Most of us have been there. I mention it because becoming aware of the myth at a young age is a gift! Unchecked, it 100% leads to pickme dancing.
Re your 2nd paragraph, I was briefly a daycare teacher and it shocked me how vocal and assertive the girls were… at 18-months old! The boys could be too but the girls, even more so. They were little CEOs at that age and weren’t afraid to tell me what to do or tell the boys to stop bothering them.
Huge world of difference by the time girls hit middle school, and start shrinking themselves, start trying to fit in, and start performing for the male gaze. That’s also the age nearly every girl in my graduating class stopped eating.
You’re probably aware of the study about that– the “disappearing” gifted girls who fall of the radar between kindergarten and seventh grade.
Sounds familiar. There was an actual study about it?
Yes, a series of related studies that were quite famous at some point.I used to dig the research up and post it regularly. Should have bookmarked it because it’s suddenly become harder to search. But you may find references to it in source material lists of related studies. https://oxfordre.com/education/display/10.1093/acrefore/9780190264093.001.0001/acrefore-9780190264093-e-927?rskey=3magvo&result=473
I remember being at a bar with a friend when I was in professional post grad school. We were chatting with 2 dudes. They were exterminators and when I told them what I was doing they said oh you are too smart for us. As a woman in medical school, its hard. Most professional schools are 60-70% women. Even undergraduate school has a hard time getting men. Most women who are MD or lawyers want a man who is on their academic level. May be some great guys who are blue collar and overlooked. There just are not enough eligible men to go around. Men are falling behind.
And it seems that women still value a man being a provider, strong, good in bed. In a study it found men wanted a sweet woman, they also would rather be respected than lived.
At 22 you are so young. Nice men do exist. Maybe date slightly older men. Just not 54 yo with 2 kids your age and a few divorces. lol. Just get out there and meet some of them. Date. But if you are looking for marriage and kids a family,, tell them on the first date. Dont sleep with them, and dont live together. That will get rid of alot of time wasters fast. You date to see if you are a match. If not cut them loose. If you find a good one, date for 2 years first, do premarital counseling. Make sure you are on the same page. You got this. Your whole life is ahead of you. Youre 22! But it sucks because as a woman we worry about out fertility. Men dont have that issue. They can be a first time dad at 60, like John Stamos.
I agree with the advice not to sleep with men too quickly. There’s that bonding hormone that gets us started on the “But I looooove him” hamster wheel if we jump to intimacy too quickly and find ourselves with a f*ckwit. And living with the boyfriend seems adult. It seems like a money saver. It’s a way to get out of having annoying roommates and to play at a committed relationship without the protections of one. Lots of pitfalls there, including how difficult it always is to break up if a relationship hits a dead end, and living together compounds that.
These points are so important for young people: Dating is about getting to know someone well enough to know the other person’s character and values. As we all know, even then it’s easy to be fooled. But women, in particular, should always have their own money, their own transportation, their own credit, their own friends, their own interests and hobbies.
Actually, recent studies have revealed sperm degrades with age especially once men hit 40, which can contribute not only to infertility but birth defects. So men don’t have all the time in the world either.
I’m originally from NYC but also traveled a lot for work and lived in different places, including in the boondocks or in quasi-provincial cities. In my experience, the absolute worst, most retrograde places for a somewhat intelligent, educated woman to date are the middling provincial, second rate urban centers. It feels like these are the places where men are really on the fence about wanting a doormat or an equal. And it feels like the balance often tips towards “doormat.”
I could go on and on but, basically, fuck Chicago, Boston and Sarasota. In the actual boondocks, there can be a kind of touching naivete among men– at least the ones who aren’t all-out chest-beating bigots (and, in the boondocks, it’s wonderfully simple to distinguish between the two things because none of it is concealed). Boondock men can be absolutely, charmingly dazzled by education and accomplishments in a woman. There are times I wish I’d given “Frank” the army Special Forces trainee from Nacagdoches, TX a chance. I believe he would have been faithful till death do us part. If I’d been able to tolerate his economic politics, that is. 🙁
There’s actually a bit of a different challenge living in cultural hubs like NY or Paris where being educated and accomplished can be almost a fetish. Among the ultra rich, there’s a lot of lore about how children’s IQs will reflect their mothers’ intelligence. So you’re not always sure whether any guy actually likes you as an individual or if you just happen to fit his specs as “wife/brood mare material.”
Let me be a cautionary tale. I felt EXACTLY the same way in my early 20s. Heck, I could’ve written this when I was 22. I thought I was reasonably attractive, I was smart, I was employed, and I had a nice apartment. And I was alone. So, I went into therapy and joined a gym, and worked hard on loving myself. My attitude improved and I was a happier person and guys started to notice that.
Unfortunately, that includes my FW. We met when I was 25. He love-bombed me and made me feel so special, making up for all those years of feeling alone and unlovable. We rushed into everything – he practically moved in within a month, and we lived together in less than a year.
But here I am, now 48 and FW is off with his 22yo child mistress and the rest of his harem and I’m alone. Again. Sometimes it really sucks and that early-20s me rears her head again and feels so lonely and sad. I mean, I’ve never experienced real love. It was all a sham.
And yet, I still hope. I hope to find someone who sees the real me and thinks I’m enough. I’m a good person with a big heart who made the mistake of jumping into a serious relationship with the first guy who seemed real–and thinking it was true love. Maybe it was for me? Not so much him.
You’re only 22. You have plenty of time. Love your awesome self. Learn what you will and won’t accept. It sounds like you are more than smart and capable. Take the time to get to know the men you do meet and decide if they meet your criteria. Don’t settle or jump at what seems like a lifeline. Avoid FWs.
Godspeed, Radical (I’ll leave of the Femcel because you don’t deserve that)
“But here I am, now 48 and FW is off with his 22yo child mistress and the rest of his harem and I’m alone. Again. Sometimes it really sucks and that early-20s me rears her head again and feels so lonely and sad. I mean, I’ve never experienced real love. It was all a sham.
And yet, I still hope. I hope to find someone who sees the real me and thinks I’m enough. I’m a good person with a big heart who made the mistake of jumping into a serious relationship with the first guy who seemed real–and thinking it was true love. Maybe it was for me? Not so much him.———”
Conchobara, I could have written that but I’m 59ishhh. (And I’ve said that I’m a newbie chump so I’m still spiraling..) At present I’m working on caring for, valuing and loving myself.
Oh, btw, I also had my family questioning me on why I was single at 22-23. WTF? That’s still SO young. My dad finally said to me outright that he hoped I knew that he would love me no matter what, so if I had anything to tell him about if I liked women… that was also the year he gave me a poster of Jennifer Lopez for Christmas because I mentioned I liked one song she had on the radio. So I guess that made me an insta-lesbian?
To be fair JLo is a stunner, but also what on earth😭 (is it actually “gay” to be attracted to her or just an objective observation?)
I am only 22, oh my god… I forgot that we’re not in the medieval ages and people live over the age of 30.
Yeah, not loving my sarcastic Femcel signature. I should’ve gone with Radical Cupcake Enjoyer or something.
Thank you for your words Conchobara
With JLo, you kind of realize there’s a limit to tweakments and the rest of it is actually just her– basic self care, good diet and hopeful, rebellious attitude (never mind the poor choice in Ben Affleck as a partner. She may rethink this later). So it seems like, these days, you can plan to be vital, alive and super hot past the age of 55 and adjust your plans accordingly.
I’m just reading all of these comments (and re-reading CL’s response) and I’m thankful for everyone who has reached out with their insights, opinions, advice, values, and more. As you have all said, 20-somethings have underdeveloped brains. Myself included. Which is why advice like this means the world to me.
Thank you to everyone who has taken time out of their day to respond to this silly and slightly melodramatic letter. A massive thank you to CL for engaging with me and hearing me out. Of course there are bigger issues in the world than some random 22yo who doesn’t have a boyfriend. But this is an awesome support platform and a great place to have discussions like these 🙂
We ARE worth our weight in gold just as we are, whether that’s at our personal best or when we’re curled up in bed with a fever rewatching Breaking Bad and eating soup (it’s chicken noodle, so I can’t complain!).
You’re all right in saying that most of these societal norms we live with are pure bs. This reminds me of my high school ethics professor who kept telling us that everything is a social construct. But then again he’s also a deadbeat dad to his kids and an actual cynic (his words), so maybe I won’t take all of his words at face value..
Seriously, thank you all, you’re really fucking cool for hearing me out, I do appreciate it 🙂 When I stop being feverish, the first thing I’m doing is grabbing my sneakers and going for a hike. I can’t wait 🙂 Maybe I’ll even learn something completely decadent and obscure, like calligraphy or making my own cheese (actually scratch that, I tried making brie during lockdown and it made my kitchen stink for a week).
Sending everyone lots of love ❤️
Here’s what I know now about intimacy at 22 or 72. If they don’t routinely take your hand, in public, they may not be capable of intimacy or commitment. That is their problem. Move on.
I chose to address the “booty call” because I knew chumps would appropriately cover education and career.
I do think our gut screams at us when we exchange sex for faux partnership.
Katie,
I usually respect and appreciate your opinion but I think you may be being a little harsh in this case. This woman is young…. and I know I said and did a lot of things in my 20’s that I wished now I hadn’t. Let’s give her a little slack. 🙂
We have all been inconsiderate at some point in our lives. Learning from that is what matters.
I’m sure you’ve already heard this a lot but…you’re only 22. That’s really, really young.
I got married at 25 to a man I met when I was 22. I was divorced by the time I was 27. Spent 27-28 with an abuser. 29 and 30 alone.
And there went my 20’s.
I had to play catch-up in the 30’s learning everything about dating and boundaries and what I actually NEEDED in a partner. I could have learned these things in my 20’s, but I wasted that time with an idiot. Two idiots actually if we’re counting the abuser.
I also would have made very different career choices. I lost an opportunity to study abroad in Sweden because of pressure from my ex husband. He told me if I went to Sweden, we would “just have to open the marriage” because he wouldn’t be able to keep it in his pants while I was gone. …FOR A LOUSY THREE MONTHS. Trying to keep my husband faithful made me give up on the chance to go to Sweden and study foreign language. Do you know what I would have done if I knew what I know now? I’d have “Studied in Sweden” on my resume.
I chose an undergrad major I absolutely HATED because of my ex husband. I literally woke up one morning, looked around, and said “I hate this.” By that time though, I was only two quarters away from graduating and the advisor said “If you switched majors now, you would have to start all over again.” But I kept hearing from my ex husband “You’ll get a big girl job and be the breadwinner!” “It’s a respectable field!” “You’ll get a good job with it!” When I asked what he would be doing when I had my “big breadwinner job” he said “I don’t know.” If I hadn’t committed my life to this man at 22, do you know what I would have done?
I’d have chosen the field I’m in NOW, emergency medicine. I would have gone into it much sooner, I would have gone to nursing school instead. I would have the career I have now, but a good 10 years earlier.
If I had taken my time to experience more of life on my own, meet more people who appreciated me for ME, not what I could give them or how they could use me, and made career choices for myself and my own benefit, I would have been much more stable, and had stronger boundaries, I would have learned a lot more about what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship, and I admit I would have been much less desperate and willing to put up with complete bullshit just to feel like a man wanted me.
What I see in your story, your medical career, your publications, and your accolades, is you are NOT making the mistakes I made in my 20’s . You’re doing everything I wish I had done, instead of throwing pretty much 10 years of my life into a relationship that was ultimately garbage. (My ex husband has three wives now. …Simultaneously. Who know about each other. …And one has another husband. …Sounds fan fucking tastic doesn’t it?)
I did spend some time feeling extremely angry though. Saying the same things. “Why are these assholes getting into long relationships/marrying these carbon copy girls?” Seriously I swear most of my exes chose their girlfriends out of the 8 pack flesh color crayon box. I felt like a freak. I dress very goth. I have 13 tattoos. I have 14 piercings 7 of those piercings are in my face. My hair is two different colors in a split dye. I felt like that freaky goth chick guys have to check off on their list of people they fucked before they settled down. Like “Dude I banged that goth chick!” “Bro what was it like? Was she kinky?” That kind of thing. Because men would do pretty much what they did with you, they would hang around, seemed to get what they wanted, then bail and end up with some girl wearing a Live, Laugh, Love sweater. I was angry. It really made me feel used.
So I decided to kick the fuckit bucket and do things for myself. I will go to the movies myself, don’t have to share my snacks with anyone and don’t have to hear anyone complain about the movie (I like horror flicks.) I will take myself wherever I feel like. I will get whatever tattoos and piercings I want. I don’t have to worry about what some guy might think of it. (Really like…who cares about what some guy who doesn’t know how to cook for himself or wash is underwear thinks??) I will walk around in big stompy goth boots. It felt…GREAT.
And when I started not giving a shit, being exactly who I wanted to be, as I am. …A guy friend who I had known for about 5 years confessed his feelings. I was absolutely stunned and asked him why me? He said “Well…it was just obvious.” I said he could have other women, there are so many beautiful girls out there. He said “Not like you.” He told me he started coming to the dance classes I do (I do pole dance and aerials). He said he ended up really liking it anyway, but his original reason was to spend more time with me.
I’m about to turn 36 on the 4th. And I’ve been with this man for a year and a half. Probably going to marry this one. And every day I feel happier about choosing to be with him because I have never felt like I have to hide myself, pretend to be something I’m not, or shove down my needs to keep him. I’m 36. Thirty six. THIRTEH SEIX.
Btw, cats are better than people anyway. If I could have spent my 20’s with multiple cats that would have been a better experience too.
I’m a young woman who has exaggerated certain things in an innocent letter because I was having a bad day. Keep in mind there’s a reason why I used quotations around the word spinsters. I do not believe in spinsters. It’s a made up term by stupid men who hate women.
I will refrain from commenting further, because your response is emotionally charged and vile. Calling a stranger a mean bitch online isn’t the act of kindness you think it is. If anything it weakens your entire point.
This should be an open space to say what’s on our mind and give constructive criticism. Insulting me isn’t adding much to the table.
Radical, I think it’s great that you’re writing to CL at your young age, for advice and any encouraging thoughts toward finding a different pattern in your dating life. I don’t know you, of course, but my (strong) advice to any young person who dislikes some pattern in her life is to find a great, truly compatible therapist and, with an open mind, to see where the therapy takes you.
I know that may sound like I’m saying you need “fixing.” But in fact I think we all need fixing, which is to say that over time, life changes us in ways that, if we are lucky, enable us to invite better people and better situations into our paths. My own experience has been that therapy–along with great friendships, which I see you already have–really hastened the changes that ended up bringing me a richer life, with people in it who I didn’t end up thinking were “mistakes.” (That said, I’ve been chumped by two husbands in succession! But I will say that I’m grateful for many aspects of the 20 years with my second husband, before, at the end, he decided to cheat because our sex life had been drastically diminished by my chronic illness.)
Best of luck to you! I send you a warm hug.
I can highly recommend the book How to Not Die Alone. If you can ignore the split infinitive in the title, it’s great at reorienting your thinking about who to date and why. Like, focusing on shared or complementary values and character instead of what a person is like “on paper.” The message jibes well with CN.
Otherwise, if I were in your position, I would count myself lucky for every landmine of human misery you sidestep by avoiding partners who do not manifest quality character, even if it feels crummy now. You could do what I did and glom onto the first shiny star that showed me attention and then marry them at age 24, only to spend 17 years with an amoral, narcissistic cheat.
Also, focus on developing those strong, life-long friendships and communities, which I neglected in my 20s. You’ll need them later. You WILL need them later.
Ew, I just went onto the website for the book and Esther Perel is featured as a positive reviewer. Oh well, I sand by my statement.
This comment says more about you than it does about her. Take a step back and think about what your goal with this was. It’s also pretty ironic of you to say you never understood the nastiness that women do to each other…while literally calling another woman a bitch twice in five sentences. Pot meet kettle.
From the letter, it seems like she does not spend all her time mocking older women and insulting them, and being mean to others. It sounds like she is an accomplished young woman who is frustrated with the dating scene, and the pressure to be coupled up as soon as possible, and the pressure from her own family being convinced she’s gay because she’s not with a man. You can’t tell me in full seriousness that there’s no pressure on single people, no stereotype of the sad single woman. You know there is. Several chumps here have stayed in bad marriages with cheaters because of the fear of what it means to be single and the negative connotations society brings along with it. There are women who see their cheaters seemingly happy with their APs and asked, “Why are they happy while I’m alone?” You know all of that.
So maybe you need to check yourself. You sound a lot angrier than she does.
Where was this advice when I was 22! At 56 misandry has set in… sigh.
Excellent response CL. I am a lady who focused on my career before marriage and kids. Successful career by 30, Married at 35, kids at 36 and 39. My peers were still marrying and having kids in their 20s. I was an older mother and Grandmother and I LOVE/D IT. It is so great to have money while raising kids which my career afforded me. BUT cautionary tale, I was desperate for a family at 35 and chose a less than optimal partner..given that I am on this site. However, my sons and family are fantastic so today I feel extremely blessed. In other words, stay the course, be open to different people as CL says and enjoy your career. You go girl. Good luck!
Radical Femcel-
I hate to tell you this, but being a doctor can kind of be a lonely life. I am a doctor and I have been there done that. Most men will not understand your time commitments or the fact you never truly leave your work at work. The divorce rate for doctors is higher than the national average for divorce. The suicide and substance abuse rate is also higher. A lot of doctors end up marrying other doctors because that is what you are usually around and because they are more likely to understand what you are going through. It’s not all gloom and doom, but you have to make sure that you take care of yourself and find someone that will understand your lifestyle and be willing to support you no matter what. There are men like that out there, they are just harder to find-especially in your 20’s. My advice right now would be to date around and have fun but not get too serious about anyone. You have a lot of work ahead of you before you become an attending. Try to avoid the narcissists and emotionally unavailable men-you tend to find a lot of that in medicine. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve because it will save you a lot of heartache down the road. I wish you the best of luck!
“Giant tits and unquestioned adoration” 🤣🤣 I mean… where’s the lie??
Congratulations on getting into medicine, that’s no easy feat. It’s a real radical act these days for a 22-year-old woman to center herself, to prioritize completing her medical degree, and to have proactively found Chump Lady so far in advance!! You are awesome. Never forget that. ❤️ It’s a wonderful time to be 22. We women increasingly know the truth about the prevalence of secret sexual basements, shut up rings, spouse appliances, the dangers of marrying a King Baby, and what is quite possibly the world’s most addictive substance: Hopium! I swear if only CL & Gen Z TikTok had existed in 2001, I would’ve avoided my first husband. The world is your oyster. Have fun!
At age 22 I very naively married my narcissistic abusive cheater, thinking I was marrying a really good man. Didn’t break free from him until about 27 years later…. more than half of my life spent with a personhood-crushing man. Oh my do I wish I had waited until I was more solid all on my own! Please enjoy your youth and go after your own goals and don’t get sucked in by charm/fear of always being alone. It’s SO NOT worth it!
People who list their achievements and titles as a way of introducing themselves tend to get their value from what they can do, and how they are seen, over who they actually are and how they feel within themselves (external vs internal validation).
Being externally focused in this way can bring with it unpleasant traits like conceited comparative thinking (why is someone as great as me not getting dates, when these run-of-the-mill people are? See also, laughing at older “spinsters” when 22), which inhibits true self-reflection (I’m very outwardly impressive, surely something minor like being *cynical and short-tempered* doesn’t need work).
It also gets in the way of getting to the root of potential issues – how do you attach to others, and why? How does it feel to be around you? Who are you attracted to and why? What are your boundaries? Perfectionism tends not to come from nowhere.
If you can see past your own achievements to be more inwardly focused and aware and more genuinely compassionate to yourself and others, you might find the real answers.
THIS ^^^^^^ !!!!!
RibEyeSteak, you mentioned, “I have also been a huge fan of Chump Lady for some time and I figured, why not ask someone who’s clearly much wiser (and has a fanbase for a reason) what she thinks?”
While you are certainly welcome, and there is a lot of support and great humor, don’t understand why you would come here if you haven’t been chumped, and you do not mention that happening.
Perhaps you feel cynical and disconnected because you’re reading about cheaters.
Please consider that family and others who question why you aren’t partnered may be envious of your accomplishments. I also think it’s sexist. I doubt many people ask 22-year-old MALE med students the same thing; they’re seen as a “great catch.”
To all my Chump friends and CL. So I think that Chumpapalooza is this weekend. I hope that you have a time of great kinship and support. I would be coming as I have been too busy and spread too thin (living my good life) lately.
Know that if I could bilobate and avoid I95 traffic, I would be there with you. Enjoy each others company!!