I Feel Stupid for Buying All Those Reconciliation Books
It’s been 10 years — can she get rid of all those reconciliation books now? She cringes to think of her pick me dance phase.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’ve been going through my storage shed. Something I have avoided for almost ten years. Plowing through the old sentimental items from the past is doable now, but still brings up memories.
I happened upon a tote stuffed with help-me-figure-this-sh*t out books and it made me feel like a fool.
All the trying to do better, be more, love harder, be sexier, trying to forgive.
The books stared at me.
So many different titles. We had had a marriage others envied, 20+ years. The last book we both read together had been given by a marriage counselor minister — Passionate Marriage. By David Schnarch. Have you heard of it? The counselors, two of them, never addressed the cheating of my ex. Who cheated again two years later.
He would remain with the 20 years younger woman who had been cheating on her husband with two men. Both from work.
GR
***
Dear GR,
Glad to hear you’ve been spring cleaning. Ordinarily, I’d say donate books, but why inflict such rubbish on innocents? Recycling Reconciliation Industrial Complex books would be like pouring used motor oil down the sewer. It’s going to get into the public waterways and kill something.
It’s okay to trash or repurpose your reconciliation books.
In fact, there are entire Pinterest boards devoted to up cycling books. You could make toe tags for dead relationships! Origami effigies! (Watch me fold my needs into smaller and smaller pieces and stuff them into the recesses of my soul…) You could line rabbit cages! Or feed them to goats!
I happened upon a tote stuffed with help-me-figure-this-sh*t out books and it made me feel like a fool.
Please don’t feel like a fool. Most of us went through the pick me dance. It’s a normal human impulse to try saving a dying thing. And there’s an entire industry trying to profit off your suffering by convincing you that you — single-handedly! — can control your fate and win back a FW.
All the trying to do better, be more, love harder, be sexier, trying to forgive.
Where were his reconciliation books?
No, seriously. Why is this sh*t marketed to chumps? Why isn’t the cheater trying to love harder and do better? Or forgiving the chump’s faults? You know, those faults that compelled them to create dating profiles on the down low? Where is THAT library?
The publisher industry aren’t idiots, Tracy.
I know. False hope sells. And if you’re a splendid cheater, why would you buy a book full of recrimination and self-chastisement when you could lose yourself in the lap of a much younger affair partner instead?
We had had a marriage others envied, 20+ years.
Don’t be so sure about that. Often people are aware your ex is a serial cheater and you’re the last to know. But I understand missing the lie.
The last book we both read together had been given by a marriage counselor minister — Passionate Marriage. By David Schnarch. Have you heard of it?
The victim blaming is baked in.
No, I have not heard of it. But offering you such a book implies that your marriage lacks passion and that by spicing up your love life you can tether wild dicks. The entire premise is insulting. The state of your marriage — for good or ill — didn’t create the terrible character of your ex. Spicing up your marriage is something you do in an INTACT marriage, where both people are committed. It’s not a recipe for winning back a person who has been unilaterally risking your health f**king strange.
The counselors, two of them, never addressed the cheating of my ex.
Of course. Because his sexual entitlement is assumed.
Did you speak up? Did you yell HEY! WE ARE HERE ABOUT HIS INFIDELITY! If not, why not?
I was a grief-stricken, bereft person in thrall to unicorns, Tracy. That’s why.
Changing the narrative starts with us. Call these charlatans out on their quackery, people!
And throw their books in the dumpster.
CN, what did you do with your old reconciliation books?
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To the OP I’d like to suggest burning them in a cathartic exorcism ritual of sorts.
Or, better yet, donate them to a library or church or DV shelter but a few pages in, cross out the content and put a message to read “Lose a Cheater Gain a Life” instead? Like a secret message to chumps.
Little Free Libraries are everywhere.
Maybe only the least awful can go in there after you cross out the chapters and replace it with a better book recommendation
Preface: Don’t waste your time or energy on this book. List resources to local DVC/ advocacy places
Chapter 1) Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life
Chapter 2) F*ck Feelings
Chapter 3) 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life.
Perfect. Do either of these, first will feel great however second may change another suffering chump’s life.
Maybe half/half (break the chump habit of doing it all for the good of others).
Some books should not be “released back into the wild” for someone else to read. I would put them in with my cardboard recycling in the hope that they end up being pulped and turned into something useful.
LFTT
Oh, I remember all the books too! I tore them up, shredded them and recycled that stuff!
As to other crap from FW, I burned it in the firepit while drinking wine with my girlfriends! All the nasty little emails and notes that he either mailed (he was blocked except divorce communication went to am email established just for that), all the evidence (post finalization of the divorce) that I had including receipts, pictures and so on (my lawyer had copies) and pretty much everything else ( wedding photos, etc) went up in smoke. It was healing.
I am just glad that battle is over now for almost four years!!! New Chumps, there is an ending to this and life is peaceful and calmer on the other side.
THe dunce caps belong on the cheaters and the side pieces.
The books are evidence of a kind and loving heart. Cheating and being a side piece is evidence of a heart that is missing altogether.
My Amazon chump phase books went into the recycling bin.
LACGAL has a place of honor in my library.
♥️
When I packed up and moved out, I had not yet heard of Chump Lady. Still, when I saw all that useless RIC propaganda, I decided to destroy it instead of send it back out to give some vulnerable soul the Pick-Me-Dance steps.
Recycle them!
When I went through my Amazon Chump phase, I wholeheartedly believed I was the sole problem that needed to change, and if I tried hard enough, I could “fix” what was wrong with me, and things would get better.
It wasn’t until the types of books changed that the question became, “What’s wrong with me?” and “How can I fix it?” to “What the hell is wrong with them?” and “How can I better protect myself and my family from their crazy.”
Leave a Cheater Gain a Life was a watershed moment.
I used to be a big fan of burning things as a way to “release” myself from their hold on me but it felt less cathartic and more performative when I realized I could just treat it like the garbage it was and toss it in the trash with zero pomp and circumstance those things now can spend the rest of their days decaying next to dirty diapers in a landfill for all I care.
While I like to think that I have mostly reached a state of “meh”, I have not yet dealt with the memorabilia of the 20 years of my married life. Photos, videos, save my marriage books, wedding album, wedding souvenirs etc… The only thing I did was sell my wedding band for scrap value when gold prices peaked a few months ago. Bought myself something nice.
Of course my ex FW took no momentos of our marriage or our wedding when he left. By default all this crap was left for me to move. I have put it in a storage closet where it has sat untouched for years.
I am reluctant to simply chuck all of this into the trash as some of these photos and albums are of people who have since died, and of whom I was very fond.
The job of separating the wheat from the chaff seems too daunting right now. Plus I am far too busy with my new life to wade into these memories now. It will have to wait until I decide I need the space for something else, or if I decide to move and declutter.
GD,
As regards our Wedding Photo Album, I let my now-adult children go through it and take any pictures that they wanted to keep, and what was left went to landfill. My eldest daughter has my wedding ring; she travels a lot and knows that if she ever needs cash in a hurry, that she is to sell it and not think twice.
LFTT
Oh, yes. I recycled the books that were recommended by inept counselors. Why put them back out into the universe to further traumatize and confuse those who were purposely being traumatized and confused by their betrayers.
After years of explaining what I needed from Cheaty McLiarface to heal from his affair and general womanizing, I did find a book that offered hope in that it spelled out exactly what I had been asking of him. Appropriately titled “How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.” A whole entire eighty six pages long. Silly me was still smoking up that hopium that something would make him understand and want to step up. Turns out that Dr. Simon is correct. It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they don’t agree.
I recycled all of mine, along with Christian marriage books that were just horrid to me after all that I had been through. My ex was from a family of preachers and missionaries and preached part-time.
I did keep the Gottman books, as they provided something I felt was more balanced. I still have those and have loaned them out here and there.
And I found Chumplady not long after the divorce was final. Good timing for me as I sifted through what I had been through. And led to Divorce Minister and his book. All good!
I don’t normally condone book burning but in the case of RIC BOOKS, I would. I do like the idea of lining pet cages with them, though.