I’m the Other Woman and I Feel a Lot of Guilt

other woman guilt

She feels guilt about being the Other Woman. For three years she hasn’t ended the affair, even though it’s causing her husband pain.

***

Dear Chump Lady,

I am the other woman and I am depressed and feel a lot of guilt.

I’m married and am having an affair with someone who has a spouse and young children.

I want to leave my husband because it is hurting him — he doesn’t know, but I am sure he suspects it 99.9% and just isn’t ready to outright accuse me of it. I also want to leave my affair partner because it is the right thing to do. But I am having a hard time doing this because I love him.

We’ve been having an affair for almost 3 years now and I have tried to leave him 3 times. I feel a lot of guilt for allowing myself to fall in love with him. And not choosing to be stronger about leaving both relationships. It is so selfish. Your website helps me — reminds me that I am doing something terrible and I don’t want to continue being that person. And I don’t want to feel this guilt. I hope to find the strength to leave without causing everyone any more pain than I already have. But I just don’t know what to say, and have therefore not said anything yet.

How do I leave my husband without hurting him more than I have to?

If I tell him about the affair I am afraid he will tell my affair partner’s spouse (and break apart his family). If I don’t tell him about the affair I am afraid it will make him question himself (his value, worth, attractiveness, etc.) and lose trust in his own intuitions (what he felt, what he thought, etc.). This is so hard. And I know I am selfish. And a coward. My mind says I want to be a better person, but my heart is still pining for a relationship with my affair partner. I am being so indecisive and I don’t know how to stop.

Full of Guilt

***

Dear FOG,

Yes you do know how to stop — you just STOP. You just don’t WANT to stop, that’s your problem. And yes, that makes you a selfish, terrible person.

This is so hard.

No, being a chump is hard.

Eating cake at the expense of two chumps and small children is fun! — so much fun that you’ve been doing it for three solid years. You get attention from your husband, you get attention from the Other Man. It’s luv and double kibble portions!

Face THAT and you can deal with your Other Woman guilt. You like the perks of cake, and when you do the cost/benefit analysis of coming clean and stopping, you give yourself the green light to keep cheating instead. You prefer your bubble of specialness over the well-being of the people you purport to care about.

So, you dress it up that you’re afraid to hurt everyone, and that’s why you don’t tell. But really — THREE YEARS?

If you truly cared, you would’ve stopped.

Our actions communicate louder than our words. Fucking around for three years tells me the guilt and depression don’t eat you up that muchhttps://www.chumplady.com/dear-chump-lady-4/.

I don’t want to feel this guilt. I hope to find the strength to leave without causing everyone any more pain than I already have. But, I just don’t know what to say, and have therefore not said anything yet.

You hope you find the strength? Like this is a mystical matter of faith? Like the Strength Fairies are going to just alight on your porch one day and wave their “Quit acting like a pick-me girl” wands and POOF! give you the magic resolve?

So, you don’t know what to say? Do you think words are like Ouija boards? You just stare and them and feel the vibrations and the spirits will lead you there?

You have agency.

The only way out is, yes, painful, but you created this clusterfuck. Those are the consequences of your actions, plus interest. And if you think you’re depressed, that’s nothing compared to the pain and depression your husband and the OM’s wife are going to feel, only they didn’t get to enjoy three fun years of cake. Yes the truth will hurt them, but they deserve the truth. Not telling the OM’s wife is protecting your affair partner. Will their family break up? Yes, it very well might. You should’ve thought of that three years ago. The truth isn’t breaking up the family, the affair is.

Speaking of the truth, quit telling yourself your husband knows (so, hey! at some level he must be okay with it!) Bullshit. He’s a chump. You’ve chumped him. And I guarantee that he’s already questioned his value, worth, and attractiveness. You’re not sparing him from those feelings — he’s been tortured with that shit for years with a wife who checked out on him. You want him to feel better? Tell him the TRUTH. Yes, he’ll be angry, but he’ll also know it wasn’t HIM. It was YOU and the douchebag OM.

Oh, and about that guy — the dude with two small children who you LOVE. You “love” a man who is okay cheating on his wife and small kids. That’s his character. That’s the person you esteem and admire. And you’re a person who gets a three-year high on “I’m The One He REALLY Loves!” You get kibbles from that guy choosing you over his wife and kids — and that’s the ecstasy you’re reluctant to let go of. Only you know, deep down, that he doesn’t choose you. You’re in an eternal loop of the pick me dance. Thus the depression.

If you feel guilty about your part in all of this, if there is a small moral person inside of you trying to get out, then come clean. End it with everyone and get yourself into some deep therapy, pronto. That’s the only way I know to address your depression and guilt honestly — and it’s also your best shot at having a healthy relationship someday.

Please tell, but please also never confuse your “pain” with those chumps’ pain — it’s not in the same universe.

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Ami
Ami
8 years ago

It is key to understand that the hurting of people is happening already, has already happened, with or without the reveal. The avoidance of the reveal is a desire to avoid your own pain, not saving others from theirs.

You want to avoid feeling the shame that you can now largely avoid. If you tell the truth, you have to deal real-time, outside your own zone of control, with real consequences. Make no mistake, any motivation you feel to keep sneaking around is based in pure self-interest. A box of shit is a box of shit, even if you wrap it in a pretty pink bow.

You probably came here, FOG, at least in part, for a motivating kick in the ass. Now that you have received it, enforce that spine, tell the simple truth without peppering it with your justifications and excuses and detailed descriptions of your love for the OM (hasn’t your chump been screwed over enough???), and get some help to learn to cope with your addictive personality issues. CL is correct – it’s your only hope.

Monica lee
Monica lee
6 years ago
Reply to  Ami

I was ina five year affair
We kept breaking things off and he kept coming back
This time he told me he was leaving his wife and he loved me and picked me and wanted to be with me
After listening to him say it and him contacting an attorneys but still not doing anything about it that he needed time to get his financial life in order I got tired of it and called his wife and let her know what was going on
He made me look like the liar so I sent her emails to back up what he had been telling me
He has had multiple affairs on her
And he got mad at me for betraying his trust
So he cut me off and the two of them are living happily ever after

ChumpionoftheWorld
ChumpionoftheWorld
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

Ami, very well expressed. What you said.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

Plus, by keeping her cheating secret, she is keeping the door open to do it again. Or never stop doing it in the first place, which is the more likely scenario.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

Totally. I got so angry with my stbx when he tried to tell me that he didn’t say anything about his concerns/doubts/dissatisfaction/whatever, because at the end of the day what his blindsiding me meant was that it easier for HIM to keep quite and act happy, check out, ensure a pair of female arms to land in, and discard our marriage without ever giving me a seat at the table, then to be uncomfortable for a few minutes initiating a difficult conversation about his feelings. So please, spare me the line about how you didn’t want to hurt MY feelings.

And in terms of suppressing the shame and guilt, my stbx actually said, “It’s not like I’m leaving you FOR someone else, bc the other stuff [his vague dissatisfaction with physical intimacy] still applies.” The sad thing is that I don’t think that was entirely deliberate rationalization—I think he’s really convinced himself of that. That it’s not like he’s *cheating* or anything because really he was already done with the relationship. He tried to leave the affair out of his Dear Jane exit entirely, and only copped to it when I told him that nothing he was saying made any sense.

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

i got the same script. except our lack of physical intimacy was because of his alleged ED.

none of the F*#+ed up skein made sense until CL

wendy
wendy
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

ha! the E.D.! I was told by my ex-husband that somewhere… along the way … (he couldn’t remember where or when?) I offended him…. thus the “shooting pool with a rope” type of physical response for sex. WTF? I mean they lie about freakn everything. Everything.

Gail
Gail
8 years ago
Reply to  wendy

Mine was plagued with erectile dysfunction early in the marriage (was psychologically sensitive) Modonna Whore Complex the marriage counselor told me! Had no trouble telling me I gave him an STD even though we had been abstinent! Such lying, conniving, manipulative, selfish assholes!

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

Same here, or similar. The times I tried to talk to him about it he always just said his sex drive had gotten low. Also found some pills that looked suspiciously like knock-off Viagra after he left me and I was cleaning out some of his stuff.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

oops edit – that he didn’t say anything about his concerns bc he knew it would hurt my feelings.

WhatJustHappend
WhatJustHappend
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

Got the same exact script as well! He had been feeling for months that he was unhappy and thought he could work out the feelings on his own so he didn’t cause a riff between us and hurt me because I already had so much on my plate. But really, he did the same thing that your stbx did. He denies the cheating and it gets left out of any of the conversations – he left our marriage because it was dysfunctional (lie), we fought and were creating an unhealthy environment for the children (lie), and that he didn’t feel good enough (bullshit). It makes me feel crazy and sick.

Mandie101
Mandie101
8 years ago

Sigh. it never fails. I read these posts and I can’t fathom how no matter the country, social background or economic bracket, the thinking is the same.

My stbx gave reasons for leaving which would change from conversation to conversation until he found one to stick.
– he was unhappy ( i suppose being a jerk would make one unhappy).
– he would have more money if he was not with us (true since he would be contributing less).
– he could achieve more (possibly with no family commitments to ‘hold you back’).
– he was nobody’s priority (why didn’t i think of that argument in response to his to his having other women besides his wife (me)?).
– he hated his job (still working the same job. the pay is too good to give up).
– he hated his life (he is STILL alive!).
-he did not think his life should be work and washing dishes (indeed not…without the thrill of an affair what is the meaning of life oh Confucius?).
-he was depressed and writing a (dirty) song helped ease it.(i ..have…no…words.)
he told me these and other gems after giving me an ultimatum to get on board with his plan. I still don’t know what the plan is but now that i type this i am not sure it made sense to get on board with someone whose thought process is so messed up.

what he told the kids though is that he left because we would argue.he told me we used to argue everyday. where was i living? did another woman come in and argue in my place? because I know we did not argue everyday! If we did I would have left long before. We obviously had periods where things were going very well, hence why i stayed on. hoping that those periods would get longer. Hope….yah….

he claims that we were modelling dysfunctional behaviour to the children.Lord help me… we were often affectionate in front of the children.we would spend time as a family at home (going out was another story). the children were assured of their family unit. their reaction to the loss of it tells me that the dysfunction of which he speaks probably only related to his own hidden activities. Up to now the children are clueless as to why he left despite his ‘explanation’ and this is because they did not see it that way. They ask me and I tell them they would have to ask him but proper men don’t abandon their families.

Of course we argue more now. I take absolutely no shit from him. I don’t have to.

Woahisme
Woahisme
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

I do think they all follow the same script. We also had an “unhealthy relationship” all of a sudden, even though it seemed far from it to me. When I found out dip shit was cheating, he sent me an email saying that his relationship with OW was “healthy and supportive” and a “model” for our unborn child.

I guess it was healthy for him to cheat with his friend’s wife with her young kids in the house. Yeah, that’s a role model of mental wellness right there.

A New Woman
A New Woman
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

You nailed it, Ami. People lie and deceive and say, “it’s because I don’t want to hurt other people,” when it’s really to avoid the consequences of their own actions. Since I kicked my cheater out three years ago after seven months of unicorn hunting, I’ve been beating that message into my kids heads. If you are lying or thinking of lying, maybe it’s your actions that need changing, not your words. “Can I just tell my teacher that I was too sick to do the assignment?” (and their dad encourages this kind of deceit). “No, you can tell your teacher that you ran out of time, or that you didn’t feel like it, or whatever the truth is.” And the more they feel the consequences, the more they’ll do the right thing in the first place.

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  A New Woman

“This is so hard. And I know I am selfish. And a coward. And my mind says I want to be a better person but my heart is still pining for a relationship with my affair partner. I am being so indecisive and I don’t know how to stop.”

These are thoughts she should have had before beginning her relationship with scumbag.
Her heart says one thing her mind says another? How about using common sense?
What was she thinking in the first place? I’m married and he’s married to someone else..,
We know she wasn’t thinking of her husband or AP’s wife and kids.
Yes, extremely selfish, she doesn’t know how to stop because she doesn’t want to stop.
Personally I think she’s enjoying the entire thing and feels a sense of superiority.
She has a huge secret which adds to her excitement. I don’t think she’s sincere.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  A New Woman

Right on! Asswipe always counseled the kids, don’t lie, keep your word, do the right thing! Haha! Pot calling the kettle…. Do as I say not how I do. He hates liars and being lied to. Haha again! The kids tell me the truth lie to him, don’t want his wrath. Didn’t tell me the truth didn’t want to hurt me when he was already doing just that. Spot on for they don’t tell because they don’t want to here it. Don’t want to be responsible for their actions and lousy characters. Efffing cowards is what they all are!

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

My cheater said the same thing, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sooooooooory.” I had asked him several times if he was cheating and he always said no. Then I tossed the evidence at him and he still tried to lie. I asked, what you going to do? He said, he didn’t know. SOOOO, I said I will help you decide…..”Get the F*** out!” He said, I’ll move my things out this week…and I said, NOPE, get the **** out of bed and start packing. I grabbed his stuff, threw it garbage bags and tossed it into the garage. I was only trying to be helpful. . All the lying was to protect his feelings, nothing to do with mine. Bye-Bye, SkankBoy!

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago

Well done on kicking him out immediately. I kicked mine out finally when he didn’t come home on new years eve. He had been doing that for months. And I folded and packed his shit for him like a dumbass. I wish I had piled it in the yard and burned it instead.

My cheater kept telling me NOT that he didn’t want to hurt me but that he didn’t want to make me mad. Apparently hurting me was nothing he even gave thought to. All he was worried about was making me mad!?! Like I was this devil woman when pissed off or something. I don’t know. I do remember saying something like my husband is fucking someone else and is not home taking care of shit HOW could I not be mad?

Asshole never care about my feelings so much so he didn’t even think about hurting me. In fact looking back, he was doing shit on purpose to hurt me. Both of them got off on my pain. So much better off without that kind of bullshit.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

Yes indeed. My feelings were of no importance to him. Forge on, full speed ahead to fuck me over and lie. He has no empathy, no compassion. No feelings, none, he does shit and then ooooppps, there is a big black pit where his heart and feelings should be. Asshole! Sooner I’m away from him the better!

WhatJustHappend
WhatJustHappend
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Mine does the same thing! As a matter of fact, when I found out that the kids had been holding in the fact that they had met his affair partner and had been hanging out with her for months for “Sunday Family Funday” – called him on it and received the following text:

“I never once asked the kids to lie to anyone. Not once. All I ever said was that there were no lies in our family, but the times that Whore has been with us, that you might not care to hear about it. I repeatedly told them NOT to lie to you if they were asked about it. Furthermore, it’s not any different when the kids don’t tell me what they do when they are with you, except I told them that there shouldn’t be any secrets in the family.”

Right…just like you didn’t lie about your affair and the extent of it and keeping that a secret from your family for months…

I really wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but I just didn’t respond instead.

Woahisme
Woahisme
8 years ago

WJH–That’s some narcissistic bullshit right there. Good that you didn’t respond. Nothing you could say to him would matter anyway, since he clearly has a very different moral compass than you.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

Lying and deceiving is what created this situation in the first place. More of that won’t fix it. Truth sharing is what is needed. CL is right. And it is not the truth that is destructive but the cheating.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

I would add that by withholding the truth from your husband you are still in manipulation mode. Doesn’t he at least deserve to know? You did pledge lifelong fidelity to him. The least you could do is admit you broke your promise.

How would you like to be treated if in his shoes? Would you like him to lie, cheat, and carry on behind your back then attempt to further control you by withholding important information? I know I wouldn’t. That is just another act of cruelty to add to the pile of three years of cheating.

JK
JK
8 years ago

A person who has been cheated on has paid the price of admission to know what was really happening behind the curtain (in my case, with 20 years of my life I can’t get back).

If a cheater is truly remorseful and repentant, they should own what they did and tell the whole truth. When the circumstances scream that there is more than has been revealed, and there is, to leave this unfinished business in the life of the betrayed spouse is just heartless. In my view, it is a final dagger to the heart of a person already on life-support.

For similar reasons, I struggle daily to decide what to do in terms of telling the ex-wife of my ex-wife’s affair partner (we were all married at the time). She suspected, but could not prove, her husband’s infidelity when he divorced her three years ago (I did not learn of the affair until around two years after their divorce). She was married to the guy 20 years. He denied having an affair during the time he was cheating with my EW. I think she should know, even now, what happened in the last six years of her marriage wasn’t her fault. I would want to know. It would change how I saw my role in the decline and end of the marriage. At the same time, some say it would only hurt her at this point, which I would not want to do. I mentioned this before in another post. It’s a no-brainier to me if she were still married or divorcing, but these circumstances are a little murkier for me.

Mandie101
Mandie101
8 years ago
Reply to  JK

Tell her. You are not being a snitch in so doing nor are you doing with the bad intent. You understand that mentally she would have suffered and probably continues to suffer as a result of the deceit she experienced. I was always grateful to know. Knowledge is power. It will help her regain some sense of her narrative.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  JK

JK–I, too, vote for telling her. That poor woman continues to be gaslighted by her X’s lack of admission, and thus may be wondering what she did to cause the end of the marriage. The answer is “nothing,” and you have that answer to give her.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  JK

JK,

Personally, I think it is still worth telling her. Her knowing is not what causes the pain. It is what happened that causes the pain. Ignorance is NOT bliss. Letting her know even after the divorce may be painful but also may help her heal and make sense of the confusion.

There’s a proverb that talks about trusting the blows of a friend over the kisses of an enemy. This may be a blow to her, but it is kinder than leaving her in the dark, IMO.

-DM

Flowergirl14
Flowergirl14
8 years ago

Fog,
Write down what you want out of life for yourself, children. Id bet you want an Authentic Life! No lying, cheating, decieving! Thats what I hear you saying. Change yourself. You cant go around the pain or under the pain of doing this. You have to go through it. Stop being a coward and let the cards fall!

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago

My cowardly cheater opted for the “Im divorcing you because you are a bad wife” route followed by a laundry-list of every mistake Ive ever made since I was 18. It was extra special that he listed my job caring for the dying as “disgusting”.

Ive thought about it thousands of times since he ripped my chest open, tore my heart out and stomped on it in front of me…if he really wanted to go (turns out he didn’t, he just wanted to feel less guilty about cake eating so he threw this at me to “end” the marriage so he wouldn’t have to feel what he didn’t want to feel).

If he had decided to go, what I needed him to say was:

“I have decided that I no longer want to be in this relationship. Please don’t try to talk me out of it because I have already consider it at length. I am sorry that this will surely hurt you and that is an awful reality for us both but I am no longer capable of continuing in it. You are a good, decent attractive person who has value so please dont take my decision as an indicator that you have no worth. I will be leaving tonight and we can work through details in the very near future”

or something like that

Wallowing in extended cake eating is really selfish and mean of both of you. Shit or get off the pot. Your spouse deserves the freedom to find real love with a person who will treasure him and be truthful. I deeply resent all the years my nowdeadhusband was awful to me but kept me around as a kibble dispenser and wife appliance.

Regain what dignity you may have left and finish this with some degree of integrity.

SDK
SDK
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

O my goodness.. My STBXW said exactly same thing to me (almost line for line).

How bad husband I was, how she was unhappy for 17 years (we were together for 17 years). She listed stuff that I did “wrong” 17 years ago (LOL).

I presume it’s too take make it easier to jump ship (into another guys bed).

Like you said, instead just say “I want out”.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  SDK

So sorry for your pain SDK…at the time, I was so gutted by the distain he seemed to have for me…at one point I said to a buddy “it makes me wonder if he is having an affair but at this point it doesnt even matter”…I later realized that this method of bomb drop (“scorched earth” you could call it) is intended to cause SO MUCH pain that we would (and likely did) become blind to their betrayals while we gasped for air.

Mine followed it up by physically staying in the house (acting like he was doing me a huge favor letting me enjoy his presence even though I didnt deserve it) while I flung myself into a world class “pick me dance” . Years later it puzzled me endlessly why he would stay if I were really THAT awful.

The degree of cruelty he chose to use in his BD is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I told my newhusband that if he ever decided to end our M, all he had to do was tell me. ( It is a sobering thought that my first H has since had the opportunity to explain his actions to God since he died.)

SDK
SDK
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

unicornomore sorry to hear too. And happy news about your new husband.

But I knew something was up. I was not blind.. did some “pick me dance” but only not sink the marriage (2 kids). But then I realised I was being a doormat. Told her when she wanted out, if you go , don’t come back. She did.

I filed for divorce month later (she was first at attorney but didn’t file). Now she is dragging her feet.

I know I was a good husband, not the best, but never drunk, gave her what she wanted.. no abuse. But it was not enough.. then so be it! can’t care for someone who doesn’t love me..

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornomore- It’s interesting, and maybe ironic, that your husband, who despised your job caring for the dying, suddenly dropped dead.
Also, it was probably you giving care and concern to anyone but him, that he hated!

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

You right – interesting and ironic…dating as a 40something widow was odd – people assume you are single because of divorce and the death thing weirds them out AND THEN they learn that I care for the dying (and I hesitate to mention this because it sends some people reeling, but I only care for dying children).

My work seemed to make him uncomfortable but I wonder if it was because it has a certain decency to it…dignified work where I tell the truth and care for rich and poor with equal commitment. My work is pure and good even when/if Im a jerk or lazy or stupid and I think it challenged his narrative that I was an awful person who deserved to be betrayed.

I just got off the phone with one of his closest friends…I asked him about deadHs cheating and he seemed to know nothing (I think I believe him). DeadH seemed to live this side of his life WAAAAYYY on the down low.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornomore– Your work made him uncomfortable because he could not face the religious, moral and otherwise worthy aspects of what you are and what you do. He did not feel empathy even for a dying child, let alone understand someone doing the incredibly difficult and profound work of caring for a dying child. There was a roaring black hole where his soul should have been. They always enjoy trying destroy those they believe are morally superior, it gives them such a droll thrill, at least for that moment. In the end, he knew he was damaged and empty.

BTW, my ex cheated for at least 15 years, double life, group sex with co-workers, brought the women around me and our children as “family friends”, made up the most astonishing lies to “laugh” at the unsuspecting spouses behind our backs all the while saying what awful people we were. Fooled me, fooled our kids, fooled their co-workers. Fooled AP#1’s husband and kids (one of whom had to get DNA tested post D-Day), etc. No one ever told me, no one ever apparently knew except the inner cabal of sociopaths. They enjoy the game, it’s what they do because they are, simply put, evil.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

It’s funny—part of the reason my stbx’s leaving has fucked with my head so much (aside from the fact that I didn’t see it coming), is that his exit speech was somewhere in between the classic in-love-with-OW and the straightforward, honest example you’ve provided. He’s not been nasty the way a lot of spouses we read about here have been, and gave me some of the “you deserve better” language, but while simultaneously telling me he’d never been attracted to me and how now he knows what true happiness feels like (with someone he’d known for just a few months). So confusing.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

Well you do deserve better! I believe the sadistic twist of their parting blow (I’ve never been attracted to you, no one will ever want you) is meant to keep us stuck. They are moving on because we won’t tollerate their sorry asses and they want us waiting for future supply. They don’t want us to move on.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Yeah, except get this: he said he wasn’t and never was attracted to me…but that I was beautiful, and that I’d have no problem finding someone else…WTF am I supposed to do with that?

Esq
Esq
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

Mine said something suspicious several months before Dday -“you are classically beautiful. But not everyone has to look like you to be considered attractive.” I didn’t think much about it at the time. Just thought it was yet another mean dig. Should have known then!

I have long brown hair and twat waffle (who’s own marriage was broken by her x’s infidelity – ohhhhh the irony) has short blond hair, wonky (uneven eyes) and a crooked smile. Oh. And she posts more selfies on FB than Kim Kardashian. Narcissistic and not very bright. Match made in heaven.

Esq
Esq
8 years ago
Reply to  Esq

Whose.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

STBXisgross – he’s saying that to you to justify what he’s done. He decided in his own head that that MUST be the reason he had to cheat. To him, he’s a great guy who just had to cheat because he was never attracted to you. Justifying his shitty behavior at your expense. It’s pure bullshit.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

STBXisgross–ignore it. Why pay attention to the rantings of the disordered? You will find someone, but not because he said so. And the fuckers always re-write history, so I’m sure he was very attracted to you at first.

Mandie101
Mandie101
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

what tempest said. screw what he thinks about you. what do you think about you?you are expecting validation from him. it can’t come from him. get it from people who truly care and from yourself. you can’t do anything with what he told you. it has no meaning for you.

Mandie101
Mandie101
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

LOL! LOL! yea. ditto. but tell yourself till your emotional brain believes it. brain playing tricks on us. Hope dies last.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

I know, I know. My rational brain knows that. The emotional brain is slow to catch on!

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

Yes, I was the love of his life til he met the whore and instantly fell in love. Bullshit.

wendy
wendy
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

oh dear God…. fuck that dude… I’m so sorry that happened to you. The “rational” way is the worst thing of all. Usually what follows is: “its NOBODY’S fault…. things just happen…. and “this” happened, we both bear blame…” PUKE PUKE PUKE

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

You are well rid of Caspar Milquetoast but he was right about one thing, you do deserve better. His excuses are ridiculous, one excuse he was never attracted to you, but he married you in any case? The next excuse is he found the love of his life and realized that in only a few months? I think some desperate skank gave him the time of day….let her have the weakling.

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

^^^^^ your ‘how to end a relationship’ guide should be on billboards across the country^^^^^

our endings were similar, unicornnomore. i was so confused. Chump Lady and Chump Nation made sense out the crazy. so grateful.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

Thanks Chumpette…as much as it would have hurt to hear that, I would have/could have dusted myself off and moved along, but the lying, cheating, mean assbastard blaming asshole stuff…scarred me for life

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago

I’m speechless. Why would an OW come here, pour her heart out and expect sympathy. …more kibble perhaps?
Thank you for keeping it real…..

wendy
wendy
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

I’m wondering the same… the only thing I could think of is that she has only ‘minimally’ been reading…. and more than likely, the same “veil” that covers her conscience has also been at work here, after all, she’s just at the foundation of it all – a victim of this whole thing. So won’t ChumpLady see that? That she’s remorseful??

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

I hope she listens and puts on her big girl pants to be real with everyone. Or did she wrote in for more cake.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

Dear pos other woman. Tracy is absolutely right. Your pain is nothing compared to the chumped. The one thing I wanted from my cheater was to respect me enough to tell me the TRUTH!! you’re sad? Boo hoo! You’re depressed wah wah! You want advice? I don’t think you will get any sympathy here. Promises and honor don’t seem to mean much in the world today. Go to the cheaters sites maybe you will get sympathy there. Try putting yourself in the chumped shoes. Try ending one relationship honestly and openly before starting another one! Your sorry, you feel bad, three years! You’re not sorry not one bit! A cake eater is what you are. Oh and by the way fuck you.

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago

3 years is a relationship, there is no fixing anything here, just file for divorce at this point and serve your husband, tell him you lied for years and fell in love with another man so he knows it’s not his fault. Don’t steal anymore of his life!!!! Fuck. My STBXH had a 4 year affair, I hate him, so be prepared for that from your husband.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

Correctamundo Kate50. Love everything you said!
This thing is not a woman, she does not deserve that name. A real woman owns her feelings, and treats others with respect.
Oh yeah- she’s a Cake-eater!

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

Yep

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

Did she wrote in? Wow. Sorry. No coffee yet. Did she write in. Holy cow. Get it together CR.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I wonder if your OW letters consist of a lot of them trying to explain how THEIR love is special and transcends our blanket policy that they all suck. Most of our cheaters probably would have admitted that cheaters generally suck but they were special.

Michael.
Michael.
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Do you find that they are mainly playing the “poor me” card and is looking for you to validate them? Like, “Poor me, I can’t help what I’m doing so 1) it’s not my fault, I’m just a victim of circumstance so I’m really a good person just misunderstood, and 2) therefore I deserve sympathy and forgiveness – no, I’m entitled to it.

I feel this was the game my ex-wife tried to play.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael.

I agree, Michael–pity is the magic wand of cheaters. They play the “poor me” card to (a) avoid consequences; (b) because they lack empathy and a theory of mind, they can only “see” what they themselves feel; and (c) impression management–if they can explain how it hurts them to hurt other people, ergo, they must be nice people themselves.

It only takes one reading of George Simon to see the “woe is me” card for what it is.

Kristen
Kristen
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“My” OW was one of these too. Cheater was her true love and soul mate right up until I informed her that he had continued to f* total strangers unprotected while f*ing her and lying to me about it. THEN suddenly he was a disordered sociopath and she was a sad little victim, and she had the audacity to say that she understood exactly how I felt. Poor, poor little sausage..

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

I love it when the whores find out they are lying to them/fucking other people, too. You are not special, dumass.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL- the last OW that X lured in, she was totally shocked and blind-sided by cake. At the time, even in my state of betrayed agony, I thought it was hilarious (I do have a strange sense of humor!). She really, truly thought he would throw me out of his life, and she could slide in and have my house, and my sons, and he would just forget me. LOLOLOL – DIDN’T happen. He was trying to have her, and me, and he was smug and happy as can be! She ‘tried’ to kill herself with pills 4 times, and he kept eating lots of cake! Even the fake-O suicides didn’t change him. I was just lining my Ducks up…
When I finally moved out and divorced him, she dumped him because “You’ll never get over FreeWoman”. AP’s are a special kind of sick.

boudicareborn
boudicareborn
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

You read my mind CL. As soon as I read her letter I was thinking: Recon, she’s doing recon.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  boudicareborn

LOL, Boudica, can I assume you read the study where women got aroused watching Bonobo sex?

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  boudicareborn

“STOP acting like a Bonobo that’s tucked into a case of Red Bull.”

Boudica, that just made my day (especially knowing that Bonobos use sex as a social lubricant the way humans use, “How are you?”).

boudicareborn
boudicareborn
8 years ago
Reply to  boudicareborn

Oh, FOG, if it IS recon you’re doing, and you’re working hard on gathering all the data you’re getting here to create some sort of creepy spreadsheet to study for direction(s), kindly allow me to save a few extra steps:
1. Pull your head out of your ass (and wherever else it has been).
2. Come clean to everyone in this cluster you and the OM have created. I know this will be most unpleasant, but please, please take responsibility like an adult.
3. START acting like a Homo Sapien with morals and character and STOP acting like a Bonobo that’s tucked into a case of Red Bull.

wideawake
wideawake
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Dear CL, “… I also think some of them get off on chump pain…” rings 100% true – well said – as usual.
The “drama” the cheater & AP have wrought, & to which they have dedicated their considerable lying energy towards feeding, is exactly what makes the cake-kibbles extra-tasty.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

That’s interesting CL, maybe you could post an OW/OM letter each Saturday so Chump Nation can answer them. Naw; that would get old fast, I doubt there is much variation.

RNE Unicorn Hunter
RNE Unicorn Hunter
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

The only thing I’d have to say to every single one is that I hope you get crotch rot, your body plagued by enormous boils, and I hope you win millions in the lottery and then promptly get hit by a car before your divorce is final so all the money goes to your chump.

Can’t understand why cheaters come here. No one has any sympathy for them and there is NEVER a reason that would justify what they are doing. They are lower than amoebas on the totem pole of creatures worth caring about and I wish them all nothing but ill will. Go away.

PF
PF
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I’m not surprised you get a lot of OW letters. The great majority of OW are delusional personality disordered and selfish. It must be about them, even so far as writing to Chump Lady. They want attention, good or bad it’s about attention…attention…

I occasionally check out Loveshack.org, it’s a whiner fest for OW or a bragging fest and many of their user names are a hoot such as…

ediblewoman
Beautifulruins
Bllomingflower
Imperfectangel
Cookie
Popsicle
Candles
Goodyblue
Mrs. Scarlet
Gotit
Jobsmate
Cocorica

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

PF, I love reading OW blog/crap. It is hysterical after you get to meh. I’m not at that point, but I do see cheaters for the losers they are. That is at least half the battle.

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

For a real laugh, join true support. Those bitches are cray.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

nic: (insert Munch’s The Scream here, just in case it doesn’t load).

Image result for munch the scream

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

And they use cl for research.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

Thanks, nic, think I will.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Imperfectangel?

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

‘Oh Woe’ is me letters.

crushed
crushed
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Oh, Ho’ is me letters!

wendy
wendy
8 years ago
Reply to  crushed

hahahahahahahaha….. you can’t make this shit up

Esq
Esq
8 years ago
Reply to  wendy

I would LOVE to read more
OW letters. WTF are they thinking????

Cynamon
Cynamon
8 years ago
Reply to  crushed

@ Crushed: I love it! Made me snort with laughter. *wipes tears from face*

PF
PF
8 years ago

Yawn….yawn…cliche guilt….yawn…blah, blah blah….see I have guilt she says, that makes me a good person, those three years of crotch shot selfies in the bathroom, the unprotected sex, the sexting, the texting, the bad poetry, the times you go home with another mans sperm inside you and you feel guilt for cheating on your chump husband.

What I read between the lines is this cheater has hit a wall, the affair is going nowhere, her cheating Looover ain’t going anywhere, he’s not leaving his chump wife and she knows it. Oh yeah, the poor little children, such guilt taking away time for those little ones to fuck each other.

Ain’t cheater love grand…it even has patronizing guilt….so deep, so Esther Perel, so new age.

Gee, I hate shooting puppies, I feel such guilt for shooting puppies, but I can’t seem to stop reloading my gun.

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

I love the analogy of “Gee, I hate shooting puppies”….. see what a nice guy I am!!! So spot on!

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Looking for a justification to tell the poor unsuspecting wife. “I thought it was the right thing to do. Even Chump Lady advised me to tell the truth. I wasn’t intentionally trying to destroy his marriage. I was trying to do the right thing. What, did I do something wrong?”

wendy
wendy
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

exactly! ha! So Chumplady just gave some Reality Therapy…..

Deloris
Deloris
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Amen PF!!!

conniered
conniered
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Absolutely right PF. Thanks for shedding the light of filthy heartless truth on what these people do to families and spouses.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Hauntingly brilliant, PF.

Michael.
Michael.
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

+1

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael.

++*

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

+++ PF

Lothos
Lothos
8 years ago

It is easy to fall in love with someone when you have no responsibilities to share. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo are having a buffet with this one.

Moose
Moose
8 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

So true!
Everything is perfectly in line to be “in wuv” when you don’t have to worry about homework, bills, broken shit, illness.
I’ll just stay over here and have a real life, thanks.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Bawhhahahahaha! Yes! WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago

Chump Lady, THANK YOU! As always, you are so right! The opening line, “…I am depressed and feel a lot of guilt,” and your statement, “…it’s not in the same universe,” is a truth that I appreciate greatly you expressing. I also appreciate your insight, support, and validation of the chump experience. It is heavy and real and you get it. You and CN continue to be lifesavers for me. I will admit, there are super small micro moments in which I feel sorry for the fuckwit AP having to experience the addiction, abuse, misogyny, and narcissism, but then I snap out of it and feel the reality: destruction of my family, she deserves what she “won.”

As for FOG, OMG, not. one. ounce. of. sympathy. Three years and you reach out on an infidelity site? Have you ever felt guilty and depressed enough to stop hurting children? Do they not enter your thoughts? Apparently not in a way that would make you stop. I am trying to not dump on you what you cause but here is a slight view: emotional pain felt every day, intrusive thoughts about the AP I have difficulty controlling, financial distress, concern about my health, the difficulty of raising my child alone without adequate child support, and the complete and utter upheaval of our lives. And this is only a small view of what you call “falling in love” created.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

One of the most difficult things I have done in my life was to call my daughter, who was away at college, to tell her that the story of her father’s affair was going to be publicized (newspaper, TV, internet…everywhere). Minutes later, she was overwhelmed with all the sordid details of X’s affair. She was a real daddy’s girl, he was her hero. The pain for both of us was beyond words. Then, there was my then 12 year old, who didn’t really understand everything, except the unmerciful teasing she took at school, for the entire remainder of the school year. One son flunked out of college because he was too depressed to make it to class. He was on a full scholarship. Thankfully, he returned home and just graduated from college…a year late. My other son will not even consider a serious relationship.

OW writes to CL that she understands the pain she is putting a family through. Bitch please, you cannot even begin to understand the pain they will experience when they learn the truth. An innocent family is going to be torn apart because you are a whore, who thinks only of your our selfish ass self. Your self-serving beating of the breast is total and complete bullshit. Look in the mirror and see what you have truly become – a liar, a cheat, a thief. For three years you have robbed a family of the stability they deserve and yet, you come to a site devoted to helping the victims of infidelity heal, asking for what? Advice? Sympathy? “Understanding?”I would say you should be ashamed of yourself, but it is clear to me you have no shame. It’s all about you, 24/7.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet

Trust. It’s what relationships are based on. X and slunT enjoyed not only the cheating, they laughed at my pain as if I did something to deserve their cruelty. I asked myself why any person would want or love someone without basic consideration for another’s well being. Especially the mother of their children and the children themselves. My children idolized their father and now have lost all respect for him. Good guy image? That dissolved.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet, that’s awful. I had to do the same, call my daughter and tell her of her father’s long term affairs, double life, and our impending divorce, during her university finals no less. Everyone in our community was talking about it and I was afraid she would find out herself first. But I cannot imagine if it had also been on the news, on TV, newspapers, Internet. That just adds another level of horror to the unbelievable devastation.

And to FOG, because my ex deceived all of us for so long, our 3 children have nothing to do with him. He has not seen his youngest son, now 16, in 4 years. Our oldest son, a lawyer, does not speak to him. Our daughter, a college graduate teaching in Europe and now 22, shuns him. She trusts no men and my boys never want to get married after what their father did. What you are doing is wrong, in fact I believe it is evil. You are destroying lives. Stop. Just please stop.

sunshine
sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Yes! Anyone who gets their jollies off of hurting innocent children, men, and women is a sicko. FOG, think about the role you have in the world. Your existence is making the world a worse place. Even if you stop the affair and inform both spouses, you’ll still have a lot of community service to do, to make up for the evil you’ve brought into the world. If you have any moral compass whatsoever, you’ll stop destroying innocent children and start being a decent human being. (And yes, kids whose parents have an affair often deal with psychological repercussions for years, even decades. So kind of you to do that to them, let alone to the other spouses!)

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago

It pisses me off that cake eaters fret over their luxury of swimming in the pool of “Oh my, spouse loves me and AP loves me…whatever shall I do?” oh my such troubles. Wanna know what it is like to be a Chump?

Look at the way the person you love and trusted is treating you (like dog shit) and realize “No one loves me”

And the only way you can ever again have love is to do the hard thing and dump the cheater and hope for a better life in the future. Nope we don’t get to “pick” our favorite love…we can only get out. Or in my case find your cheater cold and stiff on the floor of your house after throwing a septic embolus and dying. (The fact that finding your cheater dead on the floor is probably easier than a terrible divorce is testament to how SUCKY this whole process is)

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Don’t worry, Unicorn no more, these fuckfest loser affairs have NOTHING to do with love. They are just available crotch. Easy free available crotch.

Deloris
Deloris
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Amen Anita!!!

Full Of Gag. Three fucking years? Whatever. Fuck you.

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

‘Wanna know what it is like to be a Chump?

Look at the way the person you love and trusted is treating you (like dog shit) and realize “No one loves me”’

^^^^^^This exactly.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

FOG…. You are NOT in love! Love doesnt have room for this bullshit. Do you understand what love is? Because if you loved anyone in this your little triangle… Including yourself …. You would not inflict this kind of pain nor tolerate being a side dish.
You my dear have no clue what love is. You are a self centered interloper who is living half time in two lives. And some how you equate this shit as love. There is a very broken part of you that needs a filler for the holes that exist within you.
I can tell you a lot… But I will spare you the tongue lashing… The one thing I will say is … You have no clue what love is. None.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Yeah, I’m sure FOG truly thinks she’s in love. But that’s where the need for therapy comes in: No well-adjusted, self-respecting, empathetic person would ever get anywhere close to love for someone willing to carry on an affair behind the backs of a spouse and children.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Well, said, Clip…….VERY well said.

And, FOG (by the way, ‘guilt’ is NOT what you are full of!), the Bible has the perfect description of what love is and what it is not at 1 Cor 13:4-7. It makes no difference whether you are a religious person or not; this passage is still the perfect description of what TRUE LOVE looks and acts like. Adultery, lies and deception do not fit this description! Some translations use the expression “does not behave indecently” in verse 5. Adultery is one of the MOST indecent things a person could ever do!

So, don’t spew that drivel here!! A person who truly loves would not even allow such a thought to come into their hearts in the first place, (at the least, would slay the thought immediately!) much less carry on for 3 flippin’ years!

FOG, you are a totally nut-job freakazoid! YOU brought this upon yourself! I have NO sympathy for your “pain”, “depression” or “frustration”! You brought it on yourself!

Yes, you are indeed a selfish coward. Your life will continue to be wasted unless YOU do something about it. If you truly want to stop being a whore, find a counselor that deals with your type & get help. Just go away from here……

Forge on, all…..ForgeOn!

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Agree clip. I could never inflict this kind of pain on anyone least of all my own family. You are so right. Anyone who has ever truly loved would never inflict damage on another. Cheaters have no idea what love truly is. Entitlement, selfiness and gimme, gimme is all they know.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

TheClip: yes! stop calling it love. She has no idea what love is and you are so right: love does not equal full awareness of pain caused yet forging onward anyway. Gaaawwwwddd! Wake up! Thanks for pointing that out.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope….no love here FOG.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

Well, she’s waited 3 years!! Isn’t that patient? (eyeroll)

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That man does not belong to you FOG, he belongs to another woman. Go find your own. I think it’s THEFT, so add that to the list of wrongs.

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago

Oh poor you, you want to lessen the guilt and depression: STOP BEING A FUCKING WHORE! You and your assclown partner have fucked around on your spouses, exposed them to potential health risks (cause if he is willing to cheat with you there isn’t anything stopping him from fucking others on the side as well, same goes for you), destroyed 2 families and still it is all about you and your poor little feelings. Fuck off! Stop destroying families, tell your husband the truth, give him more than a fair settlement in the divorce, tell the OM’s wife the truth and take the damn consequences you deserve. If you are truly remorseful and not just an attention seeking, kibble starved whore then this is the only course of action that will even begin to put things right. You will never be able to fully put things right, what you did was the most horrible thing you could have done to your husband and to fucktard OM’S wife, slink away and don’t rear your ugly soul ever again.

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

Accubonded…high five!!!!!

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

“cause if he is willing to cheat with you there isn’t anything stopping him from fucking others on the side as well, same goes for you”. Oh Accubonded, this is so true. FOG really does think she’s special. She’s cheating with a cheater, but he doesn’t cheat on her! Also, she demonstrates her high opinion of herself by writing in to Chump Lady, and asking what to do about her own (unique) situation. It must never have occurred to her that she IS the same as other cheaters, or she would have found her answer in the thousands of posts previous to hers.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  ItsAJourney

The ow is so full of herself he would never cheat on her or lie. He has and does. Maybe I should send the pictures of the seven bondage bitches I found to her. All while he was living with her.

lostntx
lostntx
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

Man I love reading your responses! I considered replying to the OW with a simple F*** OFF! I don’t have any sympathy for cheaters. Just a bunch of self-centered aholes. My stbxw is going crazy since I totally cut her off. She occasionally texts me with some type of poor me story. I make sure to not respond to her. These people don’t even deserve a response. However, I do love when CL gets out the 2×4 and lets them have it.

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

That is the toned down appropriate for TV version of what I would like to say, but maybe I would add something about their genitals falling off after a lengthy battle with flesh eating bacteria

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

accubonded – you’re a trip! Loved your comment, and it was well-deserved. How do we know without a doubt that these cheating f-tards have NO clue what true love is? It’s that so many of them actually spend time writing in to CL looking for more freaking kibbles! There are no sympathetic shoulders or ears here, FOG.

You made daily, active, and personal choices for more than 1,000 days to destroy multiple innocent childrens’ home lives, and some of them are of your own blood. That’s the absolute WORST! That you actually have looked into those trusting eyes and actively LIED to them just so you could sneak off with your MARRIED fuckbuddy. Wow. AND, you looked into the eyes of a trusting spouse to whom you made vows of honesty and loyalty to, and happily drove off to go screw another married boy.

Oh, FOG, you absolutely do need help and direction, but from an MD in psychiatry and who specializes in narcissism and personality disorders, and who is someone won’t allow you to feel sorry for YOURSELF. You’re an addict; just an average addict of dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin. I hope your little druggie fixes for the last 3 years was worth multiple childrens’ self-worth, understanding of morality, and now screwed-up version of what “love” actually is.

Oh wait. But YOU’RE depressed. Wow.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

Tha would be the tongue lashing I spared you. Preach it!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

“…and still it is all about you and your poor little feelings…” accubonded, YES! Poor little FOG. What a classic narcissistt!!!

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago

FOG, if you actually feel some sort of guilt, you have a shot at being a decent human being at some point. I want to tell you how his wife and children feel. And how your AP doesn’t have the ability to feel.

His wife doesn’t get what’s going on with her husband. No matter what she does it’s not quite good enough. She notices his emotional distance, especially from the children, and cannot understand how he can be so detached from those innocent little souls who want nothing more than daddy’s attention. And she doesn’t know how to fix it. He has become dismissive, angry, and silent. She can’t figure out where the love of her life, the man who promised his heart to her, went. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think he was having an affair. But she knows he would NEVER do such a low, disgusting thing to her and the children. His character wouldn’t allow it. He would never annihilate her heart that way. He would never rip his family to shreds. He’s too good of a man to do that. And what’s more, he would never do that to himself. He would never be anything like a low, common cheater. He thinks people who cheat are disgusting. He has said so many times. She thinks she’ll have to figure out a way to bring him back into the fold while raising children, working full time, keeping family and friends a part of their lives and running the household. She’ll just have to spread herself a little more thin to fix what’s going on with Hubby.

Her husband, the “man” YOU love, tells himself that he deserves to have what he wants. It doesn’t matter who he’s walking on – including his wife, children, your husband and you – all that matters is that he feels empty and needs someone else to fill that gaping hole. He knows he’s a very special person and the rules don’t apply to him. You give him attention, you make him feel good about himself, you are a secret that he gets to punish his wife with. He punishes her for knowing him too well. For the fact that she’s seen through the cracks in his armor, that he can’t pretend to be perfect to her anymore. The fact that she loves him warts and all doesn’t make him love her more – it makes her the enemy. And after 3 years of betrayal with you, she’s sort of given up the chase. She’s not even running after him anymore! He doesn’t look at the fact that she’s just an afterthought to him, that he’s neglectful of her and the children, he expects her to fight for him in a war that she’s not even aware of. But he also knows that when this affair comes to light, he will leave you in the dust. Because he will blame you for ruining his life. He will blame it all in you, just as he blamed the affair on her. You are a mirror to him. You tell him he’s a great guy and he likes that. Because he has no sense of self and needs someone to tell him who he is. Just remember: when the jig is up, your mirror will tell him that he is a scumbag cheater. That will not sit well with him and you will become the enemy.

conniered
conniered
8 years ago

Yep. Nail on the head. The part about working harder to bring him into the fold resonated with me. I was already homeschooling, working extra hours, laundry, bills, cooking every night, making sure things were happening in the bedroom. I was trying to be a better wife. Little did i know i was doing a pick me dance….

FOG, you are despicable. You KNEW he had kids and fucked him. You ruined those children’s family. YOU took their father. You should have felt shame at the THOUGHT of having the affair.

My ex’s whore knew he had a kid. Met him too. Still did what she did. She has no remorse. I doubt you do either. Not 3 years later. Nope. You’re bored. You need attention. Well, fuck you.

Jayne
Jayne
8 years ago

Uneffingbelieveable – that was totally awesome. So much so I was tempted to copy/paste it to ‘The Great I Am’ (nah, I’m not gonna – pearl before swine). If FOG takes only one post away from all of these responses – let it be this one. Well done you x

divorceat25
divorceat25
8 years ago

Wow that really resonated with me. Especially that part about being punished for seeing the cracks in his armor. That’s something that I can really relate with. Thank you for your post.

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago
Reply to  divorceat25

Very good post, I always thought that I had to do all the shit jobs, hard work in our lives and my STBXH gave the rewards pleasure to someone else. So yes, I felt punished. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life.

Esq
Esq
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

Agreed – worse than a death. I’m so afraid that this will scar me for life. I can’t let him steal my innocence and innate belief in the goodness of humanity. I won’t let him take that from me as well.

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

Kate, love what you said! STBXH gave the rewards pleasure to someone else! Hugs, may your pain today give you strength!

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  divorceat25

Oh, I so wanted to jump on the “fuck off” bandwagon, but thought that maybe FOG was feeling a bit guilty and was open to actually looking at the destruction she was causing. And maybe, just maybe, it will move her to do right by her husband and AP’s wife and kids. I sure hope so – they’ve suffered enough.

Virago
Virago
8 years ago

uneffing, this was a copy and carry response!

My chest cracked when I read, “She knew he would never do such a low, disgusting thing.” The jig is probably already up. Thanks!

kb
kb
8 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Yes, and by the way, UEB, that was an awesome post!

Never assume the faithful spouse knows of the affair. We’re chumps. We believe our cheaters when they tell us that they think that affairs are for cheating assholes.

It’s only later on that we realize that they’re talking about themselves.

wideawake
wideawake
8 years ago

UEB – so eloquent & insightful. Especially the ‘cheater punishing their spouse with a secret’ comment!

BetrayedFriend
BetrayedFriend
8 years ago

WOW, Brilliant! Awesome post!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

Incredible, UEB!

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago

You’re right on, but unfortunately FOG will never get it. FOG doesn’t want to get it. “Getting it” isn’t fun; it’s work. Cheaters suck. FOG is no exception.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago

Uneffingbelievable – Perfectly stated!

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
8 years ago

Wow! Uneffingbelievable, you just summed up my life with my ex in the dozen years before I found out the truth. He was an eagle scout: the epitome of character. He systematically destroyed me by silence and frowns. I was the unworthy one. I wanted to just die. For years. It was horrendous. Then I began uncovering the truth of the deceptions, and while this led to a nervous breakdown, and pain beyond imaginable, I was finally able to see what I was married to, what I was responsible for, and what I deserved and needed to do going forward. THAT was the start of healing.
All those OW who were stroking his perpetually starved ego, were tools serving a purpose. So was I. I got the hell out.

lovesmyselfnow
lovesmyselfnow
8 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

Uneffingbelievable and Crimson Comet, oh wow! You have written my experience. 36 years married to this. I am also coming to reality and slowly toward healing. You are all awesome here. I am so thankful to have found all of you, and wish I had found you much earlier in this horrid but freeing process.

Kay
Kay
8 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

Me too Crimson. Silence, disdain and humiliation.

Strad
Strad
8 years ago

Uneffing, apparently we were married to the same loser.

Zarie
Zarie
8 years ago

“You are a secret he gets to punish his wife with..” Wow! That is a powerfully true but painful statement. The fact is OW, despite your affair lasting three years doesn’t mean you know him. “You are a mirror.” You project back what he projects on to you i.e. bullshit.

Even if he leaves his family for you,neither of you will be happy. Affairs start because people want distractions from being who they truly are. Regardless, you will reap what you sow.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Zarie

Yes, love that Zarie!

Arlo
Arlo
8 years ago

Wow, that gave me chills

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago

Wow Uneffing – you just described my marriage to my ‘Anthony Weiner’ to a T!

Ohana
Ohana
8 years ago

Wow, I hope FOG listens to this. Really powerful, Uneffingbelievable.

moving forward
moving forward
8 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

Yes, just wow. How did you see inside his head like that? Spookily accurate….

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

Wow you nailed it perfectly!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Nailed it so so so perfectly!

thensome
thensome
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Yes, this response is it in a nutshell. Spot on.

Cynamon
Cynamon
8 years ago
Reply to  thensome

@ Uneffingbelievable

This post is spot on! “…he expects her to fight for him in a war that she’s not even aware of…”

That was me. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t suspect cheating. After all, he abhorred such behaviour. He was a family man. He wasn’t interested in sex/had a low sex drive. That was our biggest problem. He felt inadequate. Had performance anxiety. He was afraid that I would leave him because of the lack of intimacy. He wept. I reassured him. Thing is, he was fucking around on me the entire time. Oh well.

OW: Sigh. Of all the forums you chose THIS one for advice? Your actions, supported by your AP’s have destroyed families. Have an honest conversation with your husband and just leave. Give him a chance to find love.

Mom9193
Mom9193
8 years ago

The OW moved across country to my town a few months ago to live with my very STBX. I’ve only sighted her once — in our church where he’s got her singing next to him in the choir. I keep rehearsing in my mind what I am going to say to her when eventually we do cross paths. Specifically, I want to know “why she –who was cheated on by her husband of 30 years — thought it a good idea to keep seeing my husband when I called her and told her I loved him and when my daughter wrote to her and told her to back off? 3 years ago she told X she felt like the OW. I’m sure he had to do some fancy footwork to tell her our marriage was over then. However, it’s taken 3 years to get us to a signed divorce agreement. What would a rational person think if they were told a divorce was imminent but it’s taken 3 years to get to that point? Wouldn’t you start to think that maybe you were being lied to and concerned you were helping to destroy a family? I know I would. If I’d been in her shoes and was approached by an old flame, I’d say come back only with your divorce agreement signed so I can see it.

It takes very selfish person to destroy someone else’s family. And I just don’t understand — are you stupid, ignorant or you just so starved for affection that you can’t see straight? There’s no excuse and I hope karma is right behind you!

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

I love these hypocritical Jesus Cheaters! If they really believed in God their overwhelming guilt wouldn’t allow them to desecrate the church with their presence. But I guess if they really believed in God, they never would have cheated in the first place. Sounds like they both need a giant red “A” painted on the choir robes!

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago

Kate50, I have a gallon of red paint in my garage….you’re more than welcome to it!

Mom9193
Mom9193
8 years ago

Thanks to all of you for responding! I hereby promise I will not say a word to her and I like Tempest’s “stare right through her” approach. The church leadership all knows what he’s done and the thought of them wearing scarlet “A”‘s on the their choir robes will make me laugh every time I see them!

I was thinking of going back into therapy, but CN has just saved me a lot of money!

You guys are the best!

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

I agree with all the above, any remarks or confrontation is eaten up by the disordered cheaters. They love it and it binds them closer, for a bit anyway.

Jayne
Jayne
8 years ago

Uneffing – God forgives us our sins – that’s how these people manage to desecrate churches with their presence – God has forgiven them. If their ‘sin’ is ongoing – well y’know Christ died for our sins, so hey – life’s hard, we’re all sinners, it’s all good. God understands. If I go into that box over there and I say the number of ‘hail mary’s’ the priest tells me to say, I can carry on being a cheater tomorrow – just rinse and repeat. Hey, and if I’m not Catholic I don’t even have to tell the priest or recite the penance. Yay for me! God’ll give me a pass – cos he loves me! I’m entitled to his love and I am special – the Bible tells me so!

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

But after we repent, Jesus clearly said, “Now go and sin no more”. So they have to really mean it and change their ways to be forgiven. Also go back to the marriages and beg for forgiveness, which the spouse has a choice to stay or not.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

Repent? Go and sin no more? Beg for forgiveness? That only applies to those who actually admit they have wronged their family. Then there are those, which I am all too famiar with, who has no remorse, has not sinned, and will never beg for forgiveness becase you see – he has done NOTHING wrong. If only I had not been such a terrible wife.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Agreed! Matthew 7:21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” Cheaters are not forgiven without a truly repentant heart. My stbx is a Jesus Cheater, cheated with his Sunday School teaching partner. Isn’t that sweet? I reported them to the church immediately. The church kicked them out of all teaching and leadership positions and said they can’t be anywhere near each other when at church. People like this are NOT Christians. Real Christians are not perfect but work daily on living by Christ’s word and making amends when they hurt someone.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

Love that too Kate50!

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

I always liked this verse Matthew 7:16KJV)

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits!!!!

Jayne
Jayne
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

Not dissing christianity (or any other religious teachings on morality – for that matter) Kate50. It’s just how these cheaters manage to turn up in the church choir – it’s what they tell themselves to make it all good in their own heads!

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

Think I puked in my mouth a little, Jayne! I’m an atheist, but I wonder how their Jesus feels about being their “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” card!?! Pious, self-righteous assholes!

KellyP
KellyP
8 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

I really hope you have exposed them to the church leadership.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

Mom9193–do NOT confront the OW. Ignore her with the frostiest visage imaginable (better yet, look right past or through her). You can only hope for one of 2 things out of the encounter: (a) to make her see the error of her ways and how much pain she has caused you and your children. [loud buzzer] This will not work. First, you already tried that with the phone call & letter from your daughter. Selfish, entitled jerks do not “see” that they are wrong and then feel guilt or remorse, nor do they rectify their ways. The fact that she even sets foot in a church (and the choir!) without fearing lightning bolts from on high is evidene of this.

(b) you think you will feel better for telling her off. You might, but her reaction may actually make you feel worse. I personally do think that a good verbal lashing of cheaters can feel pretty good. But it has to be in a one-sided way where you either won’t get a response back or where you can delete their response, unread. If those criteria don’t apply, it is likely to make you feel even worse. Furthermore, responding to these cretins at all gives them attention, so the catharsis from telling them off has to be MUCH greater than tipping your hand that you still give a shit about them. [Example–after my X emailed me to berate me from looking up his info after the Ashley Madison hack, I took the opportunity to let him know that I KNEW all the additional sordid details of his serial cheating (which had not emerged until after the divorce), but I threw in an “I’m amused by….” to let him know I didn’t really give a damn anymore. To his pity play, I basically responded that actions have consequences. Might it have been some kibbles to him? Sure, but I felt immensely better knowing that I had pulled off his mask entirely, and I kept a “just the facts, ma’am” attitude about it so that he knew he was dead to me.

I suspect you are still too upset to pull off a “just the facts, ma’am” message, especially if the facts are already known to all, and I believe you’re hoping for a shred of conscience from OW. Ain’t gonna happen, and you’ll probably feel even worse after the encounter. Your best message is icy contempt.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Get on with your best life. Be biblical in your karmatic vengeance of happiness. Go skydiving, learn to make chocolate, look sassy, be there for the people you love. Don’t have anyone? FIND SOME. Fill your cup up with joy. Find joy. Find joy. I am so stuck on this being how I will not just survive but also pour ashes in the mouth of my dumbass husband (Mr.Vain). I am going to be Fucking Happy dammit. He can eat THAT shit sandwich.

violet
violet
8 years ago

“Find joy.” Best advice ever!

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago

Amen to that, pass that shit sandwich over to them!!! 🙂

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“Get on with your Life” best advice ever, they took up enough time already we can’t get back, don’t bother giving them anymore. We all only have so much time on this rock, lets get rid of those that ruin our joy on it. They can fuck off, it’s that simple.

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

Kate50….LOLOLOL! Well said!

Kate
Kate
8 years ago

best response ever to the “this wasn’t intensional” bs..
or the “I can’t help it ~ I’m in love” bs the OW came up with so she could look in the mirror.

Yes, you intentionally did what YOU wanted despite the pain it would surely cause the chump & 3 children…

and yes, YOU won the pick me dance OW.

So take YOUR crappy prize & exit stage left

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate

Kate, yup…… like my cheating boy skank said, “It just happened.” Yep, you trip and your penis just happened to fall into her vagina! Oh, Honey, that must have been so scary for you….let me help you up….NOT!!!!!!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Kate

Kate–What?? You mean other people don’t “accidentally” flirt, text, and strip off their knickers arrange for trysts with people they’ve recently met? And ending up in a hotel room with said person wasn’t just serendipitous chance? Or, once in the hotel room, give blow jobs because the man’s belt accidentally became unfastened, and his pants fell around his ankles? Whoa. This is a real paradigm shift.

kim
kim
8 years ago

Well CN, at least she didn’t include the long laundry list of the wife’s faults (according to the husband) or her husband’s faults (which of course led her to do this for 3 years.)
You know “his wife is abusive, she doesn’t care about him, she’s really let herself go , she spends all of his money” etc.. Maybe she really was expecting some sympathy who knows ? After all, they’re all so selfish Cheaters make me sick !

Tallula
Tallula
8 years ago

Nothing more ridiculous than listening to a piece of shit whine about how hurt she is for being a truly terrible person. Take Chump Lady’s advice & tell your husband & leave. Tell your douchebag’s wife. Btw, you aren’t in love, but at least this will allow your husband a chance to be with a good person, which you are not.

You sound bey similar to my ex’s girlfriend. She was one of so many OW, 5 at the time. She was unaware. Thinks he left me for her. I found out, left him. He begged me to take him back. He cheats on her, couldn’t happen to a better woman. They split up 2 families, but I’m thankful for her. I would still be stuck with a shitty cheater. She lived next door to a friend of mine who told me.

Be prepared to be hated. Know that you deserve it. Know that your pain is a drop in the bucket to what you are doing to the innocent. Get therapy & maybe, though doubtful, you can become a decent person. Because you aren’t. You suck. Once you can finally admit that, maybe you’ll have a chance.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago

FOG,

Give your husband whatever he wants in the divorce settlement.

Then come back here and report to CL & CN about it. Then, the world can believe that you truly feel remorse, and that you have – MOST importantly – done what is right to try to make some form of amends for your terrible and destructive choices.

Until then, GFY.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

FOG,
I think that the best you can do now is end your affair, tell your affair partner, “I was wrong to conduct an affair,” and tell your husband, “I had a three-year long affair. I’m sorry. I will give you whatever you want (meaning you offer to give him whatever he wants in a divorce settlement or any other arrangement he chooses once he hears the news),” without blaming and without excuses. If your affair partner’s wife talks to you, don’t lie to her or blame her for the affair. If she asks you if you had an affair with her husband tell her, “Yes. I apologize. I was wrong to do this.” Finally, don’t lie to your kids. There is no easy way to disclose, so don’t search for one.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I think Fog came here looking foe permission to tell AP’s wife. Cold and calculated.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Yep, my ex and his married OW were racked with guilt. Until, of course, it came time to mitigate their actions. Then the guilt magically transmogrified into blame, and then – ta da! – they get to pat themselves on the back for feeling guilt while avoiding living the consequences of their guilt. They only embrace the guilt to the extent that it makes them feel and appear human. It’s guilt cake.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Yeah, my stbx once referred mournfully about the “mess” of his and his AP’s jointly bailing on their marriages after knowing each other for a couple months. Such hardship they endure!

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

And who wants to take bets on that happening, right?

wendy
wendy
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

chump lady what are the stats? More married Women or more Men who are cheaters who write to you?

Tallula
Tallula
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Exactly

ANC
ANC
8 years ago

Dear FOG,

Despite your terrible situation and your anxiety, you are a fucking loser. A fucking MARRIED loser fucking another MARRIED loser.

I am certain your THREE YEAR affair high and your contemplations of leaving your soul mate have not torn or weathered a great big giant hole in rotting weave of your “character”. You suck. You know what’s worse than you, the married asshat you are fucking who has children. He has managed not only to throw his spouse under the bus (like you have done to yours), he has also thrown his own kids under it too. AND YOU HELPED!

Since you enjoyed the perks of being Wife to your loser AP, I feel it is also just you assume some financial responsibility of destroying these children’s family structure. It’s called Criminal Conversation or even better- Alienation of Affection in legalese. I truly hope the chump wife goes after your ass in court as well as eviserating the selfish deceitful asshat she’s married to. Your husband owes you NOTHING. So fuck you and fuck off.

Signed,
A big badass chump from hell

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
8 years ago

I shall let my handle speak for itself today. No sense trying to reason or waste my time on another selfish cheater!

Arlo
Arlo
8 years ago

A lot of OW/OM must lurk here.
Trying to get a window into human emotion, I guess?

Ugh, we hate you. Go away.

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
8 years ago

FOG, I’m calling BS. You’re in denial. You want to believe that you have “twu wuv” with your affair partner, but your plans of starting a new life together are stagnating. He won’t leave his wife, even after three years. It’s hurting YOU, so that’s why you want to break it off with him – not because it’s “the right thing to do.” You love your AP, but the “pick-me-dance” is getting to you, it’s becoming painful.

Admit this.

It sucks being the OW when he won’t leave his wife, and you love him.

So, what to do? Break it off with him. Come clean to your husband, and let the chips fall where they may. Get counseling. Work to repair your marriage, or let it go, but start being honest with yourself and those around you. Cause karma is a bitch.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago
Reply to  LIningUpDucks

Seriously. All this whore wants is permission to tell.

ALWAYS tell. Better late than never. Permission granted, Whore!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

Her motives are selfish. She didn’t fuck up. She fucked her family over and will take her loyal spouse to the cleaners. That’s as close as they get to soul cleansing.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

Remorse is not enough. You seem to have genuine feelings. Inaction makes me feel nothing for you. There’s no getting out of this without burned bridges. To repair your character you have to start over. Own that you destroyed two marriages and multiple lives, stop lying. Tell your friends and get counselling and stop being a terrible person.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

Your very optimistic. I’m not. Your a whore fog.

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna, my real name is Donna, too. We say it as it is! High 5!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

Please expose the affair to your spouse, and your fuck buddy’s spouse, Other Woman, so everyone can move on to someone decent. Maybe you and fuck buddy can get married and spawn. You certainly deserve each other.

conniered
conniered
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I hope they don’t procreate. I doubt they would make good parents.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

APP: Affair Partner Problems. So selfish. So not worthy of sympathy. It causes you occasional pangs of concern that you continue to destroy WHOLE FAMILIES? Jeez, Louise. Gimme a break.

FOG, iif there is a good person inside you trying to get out, she is buried awfully deep. Like CL said, come clean with everyone involved, get into therapy (several times a week), and stay out of relationships until you can tell the difference between love and using people (several years at least).

This Chump medicated for your protection
This Chump medicated for your protection
8 years ago

FOG,

Do you ever watch 20/20 or Dateline? People die over this shit! That’s how bad it is.

What makes you think OM’s wife won’t set your house on fire with you in it? What’s that you say? You didn’t think you’d get caught.

Your OM weighed the risk of your husband finding out and thinks he can kick your husbands ass or kill him if it comes down to it. That’s where the danger is. That is the place you put your husband. Your husband knows this from common sence and OM will quickly become an open and hostile enemy.

I hope your husband is a warrior and removes that smug look off OM’s face.

DoneNow
DoneNow
8 years ago

I think this all the time. How delusional or uncaring do you have to be to not understand how dangerous this stuff is? Murder, suicide, getting beat up, people going off the rails and hurting their children-it happens. It’s certainly happened throughout history and inspired a lot of literature and music. I lived in fear that some crazy craigslist hookup or jealous boyfriend or husband was going to show up at our door. Or a jealous affair partner would try to get revenge through me an the kids. It’s such risky behavior, even if there’s only one affair going on. You can’t predict how another person is going to respond to that kind of betrayal. WHY???

chumpinfrance
chumpinfrance
8 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

DoneNow – me too… I remember getting a stabbing feeling in my stomach every time I saw women I didn’t know in the street near my house for at least 6 months after D-day, worried that one of his disgusting whores (who were all in “love” with him apparently) would attack me or my kids as revenge for being dumped. Why don’t these cheaters even consider these most terrifying consequences to their fucked up behaviour? Did none of them see Fatal Attraction? Rabbit stew anyone?

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpinfrance

ChumpinFrance….I hear what you are saying. When I voiced my concerns about the OW, coming to the door, causing drama, his response was “I won’t allow that.” Right!!!!…..like you f****** someone else outside our 16 year relationship wouldn’t be allowed. Ohhhh, I feel so safe now! (eye roll)

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpinfrance

Me, too, ChumpfromF–I had the most debilitating panic attack/breakdown of my life after going to a political candidate forum and seeing a pretty young woman who would have been about the same age as my then-H’s affair partner. I barely got out of the forum & back home before the shaking, sobbing, and nausea started. My 13-year old daughter had to help me because I was paralyzed with pain. For about 6 months after that, I would look at students at the campus now-X and I share, and would think, “he’d probably try to f*ck her. and her…” Very painful stuff.

Jayne
Jayne
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Aargh Tempest, that’s horrible – and so totally understandable. I know you’re as near as dammit to Meh about Hannibal now – but it’s those little snide gifts they gave us – so frigging hard to explain. Being chumped doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
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