Infidelity Valentines Contest 2024

It’s Infidelity Valentines time again! Forget the chocolate and pink teddy bears! Bring me your bad poetry!

Every year about this time we immortalize our FWs in verse.

Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.

A haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.

Extra bonus points for anyone who rhymes anything with Esther Perel. (Bad smell? Where goblins dwell? Pustules swell?)

Please no lugubrious long-form verse.

Keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)

Put your submissions in the comments. (You’ll have to register on the site to comment.) Please do not email them to me, as much as I enjoy your witticisms, they are to be shared.

Early bird submissions may be recorded!

Sarah and I are doing a special Valentine’s episode of Tell Me How You’re Mighty! Where we will snark and read some of these out loud. In Sarah’s plummy British voice! How great is that?

Or you can leave us a voice recording of your Infidelity Valentine here. Extra points for a William Shatner-esque delivery.

The winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.

Snark on, CN!

TGIF!

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JustWondering
JustWondering
3 months ago

When he left for another “work meeting”
I found all of the proof of his cheating
I moved out that day
Why the hell would I stay?
Now a lawyer is what he’ll be needing

As a reader of Esther Perel
He joyfully spurned “marriage hell”
His children and wife
And our nice happy life
Can’t compete with the cheap Jezebel

superchump
superchump
3 months ago

I totally want to put more thought into a real poem later, but I scribbled this at my work desk to the tune of, “Little Robin Redbreast.”

Little crying sausage
Sat upon his cake
Up went the bar tab
Down went he

Down came his Schmoopie
Away I ran
Says little mighty chump,
“I caught you, now I plan.”

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
3 months ago

A Valentine’s Card
Is purchased singly by most
Just not by Cheaters

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
3 months ago

I can fully relate! Sums it up nicely.

Bluewren
Bluewren
3 months ago

Oh very good!

Sunrise
Sunrise
3 months ago

You broke your penis
Literally broke your dick
Screwing Backpage whores

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
3 months ago
Reply to  Sunrise

H…how? How did he manage THAT?

UXworld
UXworld
3 months ago

A few quick limerick shout outs to our favorite celebrity FWs of the day . . .

There once was a fuckwit named Amy
Who uttered “You really can’t blame me —
Our ratings are sinking
Amidst all our drinking
But he’s grown – he will never betray me.”

The tale of poor TJ is dotted
With proof that his character’s spotted
The co-anchor humped him
Then GMA dumped him
And now he spends all day besotted.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago

As side piece Valentine’s treat
FW attempted to cook my confit
Schmoopie ate a few bites
Had cramps the whole night
And her farts could be heard in the street

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

😄

Viktoria
Viktoria
3 months ago

There once was a fat man named Björn;
Had a wee little problem with porn.
But it didn’t end there;
He filled up his lair,
With dozens of hookers, well worn.

Cheryl
Cheryl
3 months ago
Reply to  Viktoria

Yes this one!!!

Viktoria
Viktoria
3 months ago
Reply to  Viktoria

Just realized it’s even funnier if the 2nd line is punctuated thusly:
“Had a wee little…………problem with porn.” With a pause where the dots are.. Hahaha!

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  Viktoria

Hahahahaha! Awesome.

FYI_
FYI_
3 months ago
Reply to  Viktoria

Love this! 💜

Viktoria
Viktoria
3 months ago
Reply to  Viktoria

…. Did you catch that Bjorn means “bear” and “lair” is referring to the secret sexual basement. The word lair also refers to a secret hiding place used by criminals.

hush
hush
3 months ago
Reply to  Viktoria

I love it even more with that extra meaning!!

Becky
Becky
3 months ago

In affairs, like a tale to retell,
As secrets beneath the surface swell.
Esther Perel’s “insight”,
Shines a lie-telling light,
On hearts entangled, where emotions rebel.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
3 months ago

The valentines poem you lovingly wrote me that year.
Seemed heart felt, beautiful, thoughtful, sincere.
Till I shockingly uncovered,
All the decades long cheating discovered.
Sadly, multiple recipients of my poem became clear.

My ex FW wrote me the following really beautiful poem, which just melted my heart. Until, of course, I discovered I was not its only recipient!! ( At least three others)
He also held a beautiful floral bouquet in his hands that year and snapped a photo of it and then texted that to me and all his Schmoopies. Yep, must be true love. 🤯🤷‍♀️

When Valentine’s Day Was New
Nervous boy, his young heart pounding,
Enters his Kindergarten class
Carrying seven boxes of sweet candy hearts,
Praying that the day might pass
An older man reflecting back fifty years when Valentine’s Day was new
Thinks to himself, “If I knew then, what I know now, I’d have saved all those boxes for you!”

FYI_
FYI_
3 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Sweet baby jesus, what a jackhole. There is no doubt in my mind that he is not the one who even wrote that poem. Plagiarist and cheater.

JeffWashington
JeffWashington
3 months ago

She said she’d rather be alone,
But cheated with my Canadian clone!
She gave away thrills,
But left me the bills,
I am free and she’ll never atone.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  JeffWashington

Clone and atone– applause.

FWFree2023
FWFree2023
3 months ago

Schmoopie searched high and low
For any married man to blow
In comes hubby and she falls to her knees
She’ll do anything for those amenities
And now wife and kids have to go

Bluewren
Bluewren
3 months ago

There was a FW named Steve
Whose bullshit I used to believe
He traded for worse
His balls kept in her purse
His freedom he’ll never retrieve.

There was a FW named Darren
Whose love for me became barren
He discarded and dumped
I was horribly chumped
Now he’s chained to the ultimate Karen.

Adelante
Adelante
3 months ago
Reply to  Bluewren

Not in general a fan of the slur “Karen” but I love it in your poem!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  Adelante

Karen has been widely misappropriated as a tool of misogyny by white media though I don’t mind it as long as the original BLM meaning is intact, which is generally a meddlesome bigoted vigilante rage monkey who tries to weaponize authority against people they view as inferior on the lamest pretexts (i.e., “bird watching while black/LGBT/disabled, etc.”). I think the original meaning gets bonus points if used in a unisex way.

Anyway, who’s to say Darren’s Karen wasn’t a Karen in the original sense? The AP was in my situation– Jesus cheater from a white nationalist clan known by coworkers for making not-so-subtle racist, misogynistic and homophobic remarks when drunk. Not surprising since social research has found an association between “infidelity tolerance” and “rape myth acceptance” while studies of “rape myth acceptance” have found further associations to racism and authoritarianism. In other words, a lot of cheaters and side pieces may statistically skew “Karenish.”

Bluewren
Bluewren
3 months ago
Reply to  Adelante

I know!
I’m sorry to all genuine people named Karen- I was struggling for a rhyming last word.
I promise you, there’s a worthy back story as well.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  Bluewren

Would love to hear the backstory.

Bluewren
Bluewren
3 months ago

It’s a strange one- my replacement was secretary on the newly appointed committee of the local community house where I and my boss worked.
She and the rest of her henchmen tried to fake a redundancy to get rid of my boss and me as we didn’t take any of their crap or suck up as we should.
It caused my boss to suffer a breakdown.
I took them to the employment tribunal for unfair dismissal and was awarded a sum of money after they were taken apart in mediation.
The small town we all lived in found out about the shady skulduggery and much was said publicly about people and their character.
Since she glued herself to Mr still very married but obviously told her otherwise Clown-Ass, I’ve found out she’s got quite the reputation for grappling on to ‘single’ dads about town- how nice for her.
Her best friend is someone I sacked from our scout committee as she couldn’t keep her hands out of the cash box- a long time hater of mine who no doubt encouraged this spineless ninny to cheat with Mr Clown- Ass while I worked overseas.
She reaaallly does not know this man at all- oh, but she will…..😎🤡

Adelante
Adelante
3 months ago

You want from me the
horizontal pick-me dance?
Sure, in my bitch boots!

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  Adelante

Ooh! Nice.

Tracy
Tracy
3 months ago

Long time reader, but infrequent poster here.

After 3 decades, you said we had a good run,
But for 2, 4, 8, 10, or 12 years I’ve been no fun,
We had kids and a ring
Traded for Schmoopie underling
Now we’re divorced and I’m done!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
3 months ago

There once was a man from California
Whose behaviors of which I will warn ya
Passive aggressive subversion
Paid-for sex and coercion
Anything left to work with? That’s a darn “NAH”

Tracy
Tracy
3 months ago

Having too much fun with this today.

Should not have read discourse by Esther,
Her soul is shriveled, blackened and festers,
Vomiting exuberant bullshit
She needs her butt kicked,
For infidelity advice, arrest her!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
3 months ago

Roses are red
Sad cheating sausage is blue
Got out, gained a life
And so can you!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
3 months ago

Flitting chick to chick
He will never stop looking
For what he won’t find

braincramped
braincramped
3 months ago

you thought lies were easy
now divorce made you queasy 
but I am over the hump
no longer your chump

Chumpcat
Chumpcat
3 months ago

Out there is a quack named Perel
Who wanted her assets to swell
By telling the worst
to follow their thirst
May she someday join them in hell

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  Chumpcat

Crisp meter plus rhyming worst with thirst. Big thumbs up!

FWFree2023
FWFree2023
3 months ago

Life is so unfair
My wife did not understand
I just wanted cake

Leedy
Leedy
3 months ago
Reply to  FWFree2023

This is perfect–uses the cadences of a haiku so well!

FWFree2023
FWFree2023
3 months ago

Its so hard to be me
My wife just won’t let me be
She says I’m unfaithful
She’s downright hateful
Even my girlfriend will agree

Ms Done With Him
Ms Done With Him
3 months ago

My fuckwit thought he was coy
Found that stupid burner phone, oh boy
I decided that day
I was done with this play
Now my life is a ball of great joy

Ms Done With Him
Ms Done With Him
3 months ago

Cheating asshole caught
Burner phone lit up the night
Now a sad sausage

Leedy
Leedy
3 months ago

Says it all, so succinctly!

RecoveringHopiumAddict.
RecoveringHopiumAddict.
3 months ago

There once was a cheater named Brad
Who had a dilemma that drove him quite mad
“Oh woe is me!
Two women love me!”
I should have kicked him in the nads.

RecoveringHopiumAddict.
RecoveringHopiumAddict.
3 months ago

Oh another one!

My cheater, he says he loves Jesus
Yet somehow does just what he pleases
He can polish that turd
But I believe not a word
I listen no more to his wheezes.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 months ago

There once was a cheater named Kirk
Who slept with a nurse from work
They got matching tattoos
And said their I-dos
Now they’re licking their inky hurts

**********************************************
they slept in my bed
never changed the dirty sheets
there’s not enough bleach

Last edited 3 months ago by Spinach@35
Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Waited too long to edit, so here goes:

There once was a cheater named Kirk
Who slept with a nurse from work
They got matching tattoos
And said their I-dos
Now I wonder if they’re going berserk

*********************************************

There once was a man name lou
He and schmoopie got matching fish tattoos
They thought we’d rejoice
In their upper-thigh choice
Shocked, they’re spending their days crying boo hoo

**********************************************
they slept in my bed
never changed the dirty sheets
there’s not enough bleach

Last edited 3 months ago by Spinach@35
OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Great!

I Count
I Count
3 months ago

From my band and yes it is found on Spotify. The song is called Antiquated Male

and the chorus goes

Led around by your dick
I want to puke you make me sick
Get a life get a clue
fuck you
fuck you

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 months ago

secret sex basement
entitled to constant cake
enjoy just desserts

Leedy
Leedy
3 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Nice!

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
3 months ago

Your Craigslist hook-ups
Gave you crotch-rot to powder.
Don’t ask me for sex.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

If nothing happened
in Vegas, why are you so
itchy and nervous?

PeaceAtLast
PeaceAtLast
3 months ago

There once was an old woman named Ann
Who married a greedy man
He wanted more and more
Fcked whore after whore
When she found his burner, she RAN!

She stumbled a bit
Listening to his bullsht
Til CL put her wise
To the usual lies
Now she’s glad she divorced fckwit

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 months ago

His dick was itchy
He stuck it in places that
Married men should not

Elsie_
Elsie_
3 months ago

My ex is not named Dan, but the rhymes are easy.

There once was a fella named Dan,
Who left his home with a plan,
On his wife, he did cheat,
With women, he did meet,
He was not a good man, that Dan.

Now lonely, he roams with a sigh,
Aching for the days gone by.
His choices were rash,
Now memories clash,
In his solitude, he wonders why.

His wife, betrayed and left in tears,
Endured the pain for countless years,
Yet, strength within her grew,
As love’s ember slowly blew,
In her heart, resilience appears.

Falling Forward
Falling Forward
3 months ago

I must not keep calling her Schmoopie?
It is making her sound dumb and droopy?
If only you knew
My nickname for you
You creepy, gross, web-cam girl groupie!

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

Perfection.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
3 months ago

I love this one!

All a Blur
All a Blur
3 months ago

That exuberant little Esther!
She secretly boned a jester.
Too bad her boy
had re-used his toy —
now chlamydia doth infest her.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  All a Blur

😄

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
3 months ago

From Chump Nation to the fuckwit generation:
We give and give and give until we give out
We talk and talk and talk until we’re talked out
We read and explain and show and complain
And then you’re surprised when we get out!

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
3 months ago

Valentine’s Day 2006

You knew you could count on me, knew I’d be true,
Tending you and our kids and your mama too.
I’m a covenant wife, but you set that on fire,
You burned it all up, now we’re down to the wire.

Two-timing man, got you in my sights!
Two-timing man, got you dead to rights!
Got a belly full of bullshit, a box full of receipts;
Time you pay up for those verboten treats!

You’ve done set me free; I’ll no longer be used!
You say you don’t see why, you say you’re confused!
Boo hoo, Hoosier daddy! Do you think that I’m foolin’?
You’ll get all the deets when His Honor starts rulin’!

Leedy
Leedy
3 months ago

You lied to your kids:
“We had just drifted apart.”
Now they hate you too.

LadyLoyal
LadyLoyal
3 months ago

The cheater has a fugly whore, he calls her Athena
I scored big with a quick divorce, not a one subpoena
They now lurk in the fog near Tuscaloosa
Funny, no one told him…she’s really Medusa.
That explains his crusty patina.

Leedy
Leedy
3 months ago
Reply to  LadyLoyal

Funny!

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
3 months ago

You thought you were hot
Until you got caught
Now everyone knows
Of your taste for ho’s
And I’m gut shot

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
3 months ago

Your love was a lie
Your apologies were too
Fuck off both of you.

GoodWitch
GoodWitch
3 months ago

There once was a Schmoopie named Keri 
Former Chump: “I’m so sorry” – Oh, very… [:::eyeroll:::]
Still got on her knees
And begged my husband “pleeeaaase”
To suck his ego so hard it was scary

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  GoodWitch

Lol!

LadyLoyal
LadyLoyal
3 months ago

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho
It’s off to court we go
Like a wrecking ball
I got it all
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho

Genesis
Genesis
3 months ago

I am so lonely
He texted her as he lay
Next to me in bed

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  Genesis

That’s heartbreaking. Great haiku.

Genesis
Genesis
3 months ago

You asked the whore “marry me?”
Even though you’re married to me???!!!
Your treachery displayed
On her Pinterest board page
And the dress that she chose is UGLY.

susie lee
susie lee
3 months ago
Reply to  Genesis

That always astounds me. My FW asked gave whore an engagement ring before he even filed for D. He had moved out, but still no legal action. I get that he was dancing like a crazy person to save his job, but still.

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
3 months ago

Long time daily reader, who has not posted since last October when Tracy reworked this sanity saving site.

I’ll try my hand at a haiku since this has been a difficult week for me. My abusive abandoner of a father died this week, a person I hadn’t had any contact with since his 70th birthday in early 2005. Two versions.

Father died this week
Estranged daughter was strafed
No response is best

OR
Father died this week
Estranged daughter was barraged
Blockety block block

I only have a couple of friends who understand what happened and my current feelings. A lot of vitriol has been aimed at me from Harlow’s third wife as well as an aunt who I have nicknamed Venn. A Venn diagram of narcissism, alcoholism and eating disorders.

Chump Nation gets it. Thanks for the word of the week for me Hell of a Chump (strafe) !
I’m off to Stinson Beach for some healing this weekend.

Ps I nicknamed my late father Harlow since he was a wire monkey.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

I once had a fuckwit named John
Who thought he could make me his pawn
While stewed from a beverage
His crude boasts gave me leverage
So I grabbed all the cash and was gone.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

Who was that stranger
With his eyes gone wild with hate?
Narkypants McCreep.

.

Leigh
Leigh
3 months ago

For Valentine’s Day last year,
Found dick pics on your phone, oh dear!
Fourth affair was enough
To finally get tough
And shove divorce papers straight up your rear

MacaulyD
MacaulyD
3 months ago

Old timer here. Rarely post but read everything. Love the Valentine poems … so here’s my contribution –

My spouse said I’d got it all wrong
He wasn’t cheating, wasn’t dipping his dong
He gaslit so deeply
I believed him completely
All the bullshit that dripped from his tongue

MacaulyD
MacaulyD
3 months ago

He gaslit, he lied and refused
To admit that his dick had been used
To pleasure young schmoopie
With old Mr Droopy
Leaving me feeling shit and abused.

MacaulyD
MacaulyD
3 months ago

OK ~ Last one I promise! Crumbs … once those floodgates open ….

His penis was feeling unwell
From the groin to the tip of his bell
Was covered in warts
And pustules of sorts
And emitted a revolting new smell!!