Infidelity Valentines Contest 2024
It’s Infidelity Valentines time again! Forget the chocolate and pink teddy bears! Bring me your bad poetry!
Every year about this time we immortalize our FWs in verse.
Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.
A haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
Extra bonus points for anyone who rhymes anything with Esther Perel. (Bad smell? Where goblins dwell? Pustules swell?)
Please no lugubrious long-form verse.
Keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
Put your submissions in the comments. (You’ll have to register on the site to comment.) Please do not email them to me, as much as I enjoy your witticisms, they are to be shared.
Early bird submissions may be recorded!
Sarah and I are doing a special Valentine’s episode of Tell Me How You’re Mighty! Where we will snark and read some of these out loud. In Sarah’s plummy British voice! How great is that?
Or you can leave us a voice recording of your Infidelity Valentine here. Extra points for a William Shatner-esque delivery.
The winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.
Snark on, CN!
TGIF!
When he left for another “work meeting”
I found all of the proof of his cheating
I moved out that day
Why the hell would I stay?
Now a lawyer is what he’ll be needing
As a reader of Esther Perel
He joyfully spurned “marriage hell”
His children and wife
And our nice happy life
Can’t compete with the cheap Jezebel
Ooh. Props for rhyming Jezebel with Perel.
I totally want to put more thought into a real poem later, but I scribbled this at my work desk to the tune of, “Little Robin Redbreast.”
Little crying sausage
Sat upon his cake
Up went the bar tab
Down went he
Down came his Schmoopie
Away I ran
Says little mighty chump,
“I caught you, now I plan.”
A Valentine’s Card
Is purchased singly by most
Just not by Cheaters
I can fully relate! Sums it up nicely.
Oh very good!
You broke your penis
Literally broke your dick
Screwing Backpage whores
H…how? How did he manage THAT?
A few quick limerick shout outs to our favorite celebrity FWs of the day . . .
There once was a fuckwit named Amy
Who uttered “You really can’t blame me —
Our ratings are sinking
Amidst all our drinking
But he’s grown – he will never betray me.”
The tale of poor TJ is dotted
With proof that his character’s spotted
The co-anchor humped him
Then GMA dumped him
And now he spends all day besotted.
Ooh extra points for topical humor.
As side piece Valentine’s treat
FW attempted to cook my confit
Schmoopie ate a few bites
Had cramps the whole night
And her farts could be heard in the street
😄
There once was a fat man named Björn;
Had a wee little problem with porn.
But it didn’t end there;
He filled up his lair,
With dozens of hookers, well worn.
Yes this one!!!
Just realized it’s even funnier if the 2nd line is punctuated thusly:
“Had a wee little…………problem with porn.” With a pause where the dots are.. Hahaha!
Hahahahaha! Awesome.
Love this! 💜
…. Did you catch that Bjorn means “bear” and “lair” is referring to the secret sexual basement. The word lair also refers to a secret hiding place used by criminals.
I love it even more with that extra meaning!!
In affairs, like a tale to retell,
As secrets beneath the surface swell.
Esther Perel’s “insight”,
Shines a lie-telling light,
On hearts entangled, where emotions rebel.
The valentines poem you lovingly wrote me that year.
Seemed heart felt, beautiful, thoughtful, sincere.
Till I shockingly uncovered,
All the decades long cheating discovered.
Sadly, multiple recipients of my poem became clear.
My ex FW wrote me the following really beautiful poem, which just melted my heart. Until, of course, I discovered I was not its only recipient!! ( At least three others)
He also held a beautiful floral bouquet in his hands that year and snapped a photo of it and then texted that to me and all his Schmoopies. Yep, must be true love. 🤯🤷♀️
When Valentine’s Day Was New
Nervous boy, his young heart pounding,
Enters his Kindergarten class
Carrying seven boxes of sweet candy hearts,
Praying that the day might pass
An older man reflecting back fifty years when Valentine’s Day was new
Thinks to himself, “If I knew then, what I know now, I’d have saved all those boxes for you!”
Sweet baby jesus, what a jackhole. There is no doubt in my mind that he is not the one who even wrote that poem. Plagiarist and cheater.
She said she’d rather be alone,
But cheated with my Canadian clone!
She gave away thrills,
But left me the bills,
I am free and she’ll never atone.
Clone and atone– applause.
Schmoopie searched high and low
For any married man to blow
In comes hubby and she falls to her knees
She’ll do anything for those amenities
And now wife and kids have to go
There was a FW named Steve
Whose bullshit I used to believe
He traded for worse
His balls kept in her purse
His freedom he’ll never retrieve.
There was a FW named Darren
Whose love for me became barren
He discarded and dumped
I was horribly chumped
Now he’s chained to the ultimate Karen.
Not in general a fan of the slur “Karen” but I love it in your poem!
Karen has been widely misappropriated as a tool of misogyny by white media though I don’t mind it as long as the original BLM meaning is intact, which is generally a meddlesome bigoted vigilante rage monkey who tries to weaponize authority against people they view as inferior on the lamest pretexts (i.e., “bird watching while black/LGBT/disabled, etc.”). I think the original meaning gets bonus points if used in a unisex way.
Anyway, who’s to say Darren’s Karen wasn’t a Karen in the original sense? The AP was in my situation– Jesus cheater from a white nationalist clan known by coworkers for making not-so-subtle racist, misogynistic and homophobic remarks when drunk. Not surprising since social research has found an association between “infidelity tolerance” and “rape myth acceptance” while studies of “rape myth acceptance” have found further associations to racism and authoritarianism. In other words, a lot of cheaters and side pieces may statistically skew “Karenish.”
I know!
I’m sorry to all genuine people named Karen- I was struggling for a rhyming last word.
I promise you, there’s a worthy back story as well.
Would love to hear the backstory.
It’s a strange one- my replacement was secretary on the newly appointed committee of the local community house where I and my boss worked.
She and the rest of her henchmen tried to fake a redundancy to get rid of my boss and me as we didn’t take any of their crap or suck up as we should.
It caused my boss to suffer a breakdown.
I took them to the employment tribunal for unfair dismissal and was awarded a sum of money after they were taken apart in mediation.
The small town we all lived in found out about the shady skulduggery and much was said publicly about people and their character.
Since she glued herself to Mr still very married but obviously told her otherwise Clown-Ass, I’ve found out she’s got quite the reputation for grappling on to ‘single’ dads about town- how nice for her.
Her best friend is someone I sacked from our scout committee as she couldn’t keep her hands out of the cash box- a long time hater of mine who no doubt encouraged this spineless ninny to cheat with Mr Clown- Ass while I worked overseas.
She reaaallly does not know this man at all- oh, but she will…..😎🤡
You want from me the
horizontal pick-me dance?
Sure, in my bitch boots!
Ooh! Nice.
Long time reader, but infrequent poster here.
After 3 decades, you said we had a good run,
But for 2, 4, 8, 10, or 12 years I’ve been no fun,
We had kids and a ring
Traded for Schmoopie underling
Now we’re divorced and I’m done!
There once was a man from California
Whose behaviors of which I will warn ya
Passive aggressive subversion
Paid-for sex and coercion
Anything left to work with? That’s a darn “NAH”
Having too much fun with this today.
Should not have read discourse by Esther,
Her soul is shriveled, blackened and festers,
Vomiting exuberant bullshit
She needs her butt kicked,
For infidelity advice, arrest her!
Roses are red
Sad cheating sausage is blue
Got out, gained a life
And so can you!
Flitting chick to chick
He will never stop looking
For what he won’t find
you thought lies were easy
now divorce made you queasy
but I am over the hump
no longer your chump
Out there is a quack named Perel
Who wanted her assets to swell
By telling the worst
to follow their thirst
May she someday join them in hell
Crisp meter plus rhyming worst with thirst. Big thumbs up!
Life is so unfair
My wife did not understand
I just wanted cake
This is perfect–uses the cadences of a haiku so well!
Its so hard to be me
My wife just won’t let me be
She says I’m unfaithful
She’s downright hateful
Even my girlfriend will agree
My fuckwit thought he was coy
Found that stupid burner phone, oh boy
I decided that day
I was done with this play
Now my life is a ball of great joy
Cheating asshole caught
Burner phone lit up the night
Now a sad sausage
Says it all, so succinctly!
There once was a cheater named Brad
Who had a dilemma that drove him quite mad
“Oh woe is me!
Two women love me!”
I should have kicked him in the nads.
Oh another one!
My cheater, he says he loves Jesus
Yet somehow does just what he pleases
He can polish that turd
But I believe not a word
I listen no more to his wheezes.
There once was a cheater named Kirk
Who slept with a nurse from work
They got matching tattoos
And said their I-dos
Now they’re licking their inky hurts
**********************************************
they slept in my bed
never changed the dirty sheets
there’s not enough bleach
Waited too long to edit, so here goes:
There once was a cheater named Kirk
Who slept with a nurse from work
They got matching tattoos
And said their I-dos
Now I wonder if they’re going berserk
*********************************************
There once was a man name lou
He and schmoopie got matching fish tattoos
They thought we’d rejoice
In their upper-thigh choice
Shocked, they’re spending their days crying boo hoo
**********************************************
they slept in my bed
never changed the dirty sheets
there’s not enough bleach
Great!
From my band and yes it is found on Spotify. The song is called Antiquated Male
and the chorus goes
Led around by your dick
I want to puke you make me sick
Get a life get a clue
fuck you
fuck you
secret sex basement
entitled to constant cake
enjoy just desserts
Nice!
Your Craigslist hook-ups
Gave you crotch-rot to powder.
Don’t ask me for sex.
If nothing happened
in Vegas, why are you so
itchy and nervous?
There once was an old woman named Ann
Who married a greedy man
He wanted more and more
Fcked whore after whore
When she found his burner, she RAN!
She stumbled a bit
Listening to his bullsht
Til CL put her wise
To the usual lies
Now she’s glad she divorced fckwit
His dick was itchy
He stuck it in places that
Married men should not
My ex is not named Dan, but the rhymes are easy.
There once was a fella named Dan,
Who left his home with a plan,
On his wife, he did cheat,
With women, he did meet,
He was not a good man, that Dan.
Now lonely, he roams with a sigh,
Aching for the days gone by.
His choices were rash,
Now memories clash,
In his solitude, he wonders why.
His wife, betrayed and left in tears,
Endured the pain for countless years,
Yet, strength within her grew,
As love’s ember slowly blew,
In her heart, resilience appears.
I must not keep calling her Schmoopie?
It is making her sound dumb and droopy?
If only you knew
My nickname for you
You creepy, gross, web-cam girl groupie!
Perfection.
I love this one!
That exuberant little Esther!
She secretly boned a jester.
Too bad her boy
had re-used his toy —
now chlamydia doth infest her.
😄
From Chump Nation to the fuckwit generation:
We give and give and give until we give out
We talk and talk and talk until we’re talked out
We read and explain and show and complain
And then you’re surprised when we get out!
Valentine’s Day 2006
You knew you could count on me, knew I’d be true,
Tending you and our kids and your mama too.
I’m a covenant wife, but you set that on fire,
You burned it all up, now we’re down to the wire.
Two-timing man, got you in my sights!
Two-timing man, got you dead to rights!
Got a belly full of bullshit, a box full of receipts;
Time you pay up for those verboten treats!
You’ve done set me free; I’ll no longer be used!
You say you don’t see why, you say you’re confused!
Boo hoo, Hoosier daddy! Do you think that I’m foolin’?
You’ll get all the deets when His Honor starts rulin’!
You lied to your kids:
“We had just drifted apart.”
Now they hate you too.
The cheater has a fugly whore, he calls her Athena
I scored big with a quick divorce, not a one subpoena
They now lurk in the fog near Tuscaloosa
Funny, no one told him…she’s really Medusa.
That explains his crusty patina.
Funny!
You thought you were hot
Until you got caught
Now everyone knows
Of your taste for ho’s
And I’m gut shot
Your love was a lie
Your apologies were too
Fuck off both of you.
There once was a Schmoopie named Keri
Former Chump: “I’m so sorry” – Oh, very… [:::eyeroll:::]
Still got on her knees
And begged my husband “pleeeaaase”
To suck his ego so hard it was scary
Lol!
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho
It’s off to court we go
Like a wrecking ball
I got it all
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho
I am so lonely
He texted her as he lay
Next to me in bed
That’s heartbreaking. Great haiku.
You asked the whore “marry me?”
Even though you’re married to me???!!!
Your treachery displayed
On her Pinterest board page
And the dress that she chose is UGLY.
That always astounds me. My FW asked gave whore an engagement ring before he even filed for D. He had moved out, but still no legal action. I get that he was dancing like a crazy person to save his job, but still.
Long time daily reader, who has not posted since last October when Tracy reworked this sanity saving site.
I’ll try my hand at a haiku since this has been a difficult week for me. My abusive abandoner of a father died this week, a person I hadn’t had any contact with since his 70th birthday in early 2005. Two versions.
Father died this week
Estranged daughter was strafed
No response is best
OR
Father died this week
Estranged daughter was barraged
Blockety block block
I only have a couple of friends who understand what happened and my current feelings. A lot of vitriol has been aimed at me from Harlow’s third wife as well as an aunt who I have nicknamed Venn. A Venn diagram of narcissism, alcoholism and eating disorders.
Chump Nation gets it. Thanks for the word of the week for me Hell of a Chump (strafe) !
I’m off to Stinson Beach for some healing this weekend.
Ps I nicknamed my late father Harlow since he was a wire monkey.
I once had a fuckwit named John
Who thought he could make me his pawn
While stewed from a beverage
His crude boasts gave me leverage
So I grabbed all the cash and was gone.
Who was that stranger
With his eyes gone wild with hate?
Narkypants McCreep.
.
For Valentine’s Day last year,
Found dick pics on your phone, oh dear!
Fourth affair was enough
To finally get tough
And shove divorce papers straight up your rear
Old timer here. Rarely post but read everything. Love the Valentine poems … so here’s my contribution –
My spouse said I’d got it all wrong
He wasn’t cheating, wasn’t dipping his dong
He gaslit so deeply
I believed him completely
All the bullshit that dripped from his tongue
He gaslit, he lied and refused
To admit that his dick had been used
To pleasure young schmoopie
With old Mr Droopy
Leaving me feeling shit and abused.
OK ~ Last one I promise! Crumbs … once those floodgates open ….
His penis was feeling unwell
From the groin to the tip of his bell
Was covered in warts
And pustules of sorts
And emitted a revolting new smell!!