Kelly Clarkson’s FW Ex Died
Kelly Clarkson’s FW ex Brandon Blackstock died. The Friday Challenge is complicated grief. Is it okay to be utterly relieved that a terrible person is out of your life?
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By all accounts, Kelly Clarkson’s ex-husband and father of her two children, Brandon Blackstock, was an awful person. He just died of cancer, so people are not inclined at this moment to reflect on how horrible he was. Instead, understandably, there are condolences to his family, especially his children. And yet…
Is it wrong to feel relieved someone died?
Given Blackstock’s alleged serial cheating, the hell he put Clarkson through in the divorce and their business breakup, I just feel gratitude that this guy shuffled off his mortal coil.
Yes, those children won’t have their father, but they also won’t have a fuckwit father, and that’s its own special kind of hell.
Clarkson canceled upcoming concert dates to be there for her kids.
As a public person, there’s probably no other way to navigate this than lean into the We Were Amiable Coparents narrative and mourn his loss. And maybe she really does mourn his loss, she’s human and he’s the father of her kids. But let’s take a moment to examine the nightmare he put her through.
How bad was Brandon Blackstock?
- He (allegedly) cheated on Clarkson when she was pregnant. And his first wife.
- In 2023, Clarkson accused Blackstock of defrauding her and ordered that he pay her back $2.6 million in a lawsuit. (She won the lawsuit.)
- Blackstock told Clarkson she “wasn’t sexy enough” to be a judge on The Voice. (She went on to do 9 hit seasons.)
- He used her financially. In the 2020 divorce, a court ordered Clarkson to pay him $200K in monthly support, even though she had physical custody of the children.
In short, not a quality individual. It’s hard not to conclude that his death will make Clarkson’s emotional and financial life a lot easier.
Can anyone relate? Did your cheater die? Did your life become…. is it ghoulish to say better as a result?
Got any complicated grief you’d like to share?
TGIF.
I can’t be the only terrible chump who read this news yesterday and thought how lucky Kelly is to be rid of this FW. The fact that she had to pay him after all his abuse was just the worst. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Come sit by me 😁
I think her kids are lucky in many ways because who knows how much more of their inheritance this guy was going to eat through or how much more chaos he was going to subject them to.
But now that I’m reading up on Clarkson and her relationship timelines for the first time, I think it was pretty trashy and disrespectful to his first wife and kids from his first marriage to blather to the tabloids about hankering for this POS while he was still married. She only describes her own “attraction” to him and some twin flames prediction nonsense but if this came with flirting, she can frankly go get stuffed.
When I heard the news, I thought Kelly you are now free. Free from making parenting decisions with a person you don’t trust, free financially, free to travel, free to have all holidays with your children, the list is endless. My cheater ex died unexpectedly not long after our divorce. I certainly didn’t want my kids to lose their dad, but I definitely have ambivalent feelings too. My life certainly became easier not having to travel nearly 5 hours round trip every other weekend to exchange the kids bc dad deceived to move further away and we had to meet in the middle. I was able to move back to my home state with no court approval necessary. Social Security pays way more each month than I ever received in child support. So there was much freedom for me that came with his passing. I also like that my kids will no longer come in contact with some of his toxic family members and questionable friends.
“Social Security pays way more each month than I ever received in child support.” Oh, man. On the one hand, I’m glad for you that you’re getting more money, and that it’s coming regularly. On the other hand, this reminds me of how angry it makes me that most custodial parents don’t receive the child support they’re owed. And many receive NONE.
Yes, I know I’m preaching to the choir here.
This hasn’t happened to me, but that hasn’t kept me from thinking about the scenario.
My daughters are now 23 and 22 and I believe have an excellent handle on things. I’ve spent 9 years not asking questions about their mother while allowing them to tell me what’s going on in that part of their life, steadily using cool/bummer/wow as my response mechanism. So if my ex was to die next week, i don’t think there’s be any questions or confusion about how I’d handle it.
But when they were still in high school, I would every now and then think what might happen, and I kept coming back to the same scenario . . .
I’d support them in anything they asked of me around services and working with her then 2nd husband on getting matters settled. I’d accompany them to any service that was held, sitting in the back and keeping interactions with mourners to an absolute minimum, contributing nothing save for getting then to and from.
And if they ever asked me about my feelings about it, I would simply say: “You have to understand that to me, Mum died a long time ago. I’ve already done my mourning, and all I can tell you is that grieving is a process. Each day, dealing with your grief gets a little easier. It never totally goes away, but it gets easier to deal with.”
UXworld your post hits home for me! My ex husband is still alive. I agree with you 💯 my ex is already dead to me. I have grieved and I am still grieving. I’m not at meh yet!
It’s been 2 years since D-Day and I’m divorced. My son is 18 and my daughter 20. My kids rarely talk about their Dad. My daughter has been no contact with her Dad for over a year now. If my ex were to die I would support my kids and be there for them with my boundaries. The wounds of the affair are still fresh. My daughter caught her Dad and his mistress on Snapchat when she was 18. 😢💔He left us for his mistress and her 2 young boys. Thanks for sharing your post.
UX World, your response about how you thought you’d handle your XW theoretically dying before you hit home with me. I’d do what I could for the kids (major boundaries though, regarding their mother’s AP/ugh! “stepfather”), but the part about their mother dying before you and how you’d handle it would be pretty damn similar to how I’ve thought of it and how I’d try to handle it.
Unfortunately, my FW XW is a master at making everybody feel sorry for her, and image management, so my kids don’t seem to have an agreement with me on how she blew our family apart. Which is their choice.
She is their mother, and I know how hard it can be to see another person’s bad actions for what they are, let alone how hard it can be to see and accept it in a parent. And I’m not stellar myself.
But anyway, I thought it was good to hear that another fellow male chump had similar thinking to me regarding the FW XW kicking the bucket before us as the chumps do. Not that the male chumps are the only ones to think that way, I’m sure.🫤
Does this mean we’re a little bit closer to meh? I hope it does. Either way, have a great weekend, UX World (and your kids), and the same to the rest of CN.
I might go a against the grain a little here, but my reflections following Ex-Mrs LFTT’s non-fatal heart attack 18 months ago were as follows:
Firstly, that it was OK to be conflicted. Yes, she’s a POS and (at least in my opinion) barely qualifies as human, but the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I realised I was truly indifferent from a personal perspective, but could see that people that I care deeply about (my children and my MIL) were very much affected. I’m glad that she lived, if only because it avoided pain to those that I love.
Secondly, I realised that her dysfunctionality still had the ability to affect me. The fact that her AP (now partner) has no relationship with the kids meant that he thought that he’d done his job by informing my MIL and her passing the news on to me via my SIL. I ended up being the one breaking the news to our kids and dealing with their emotional aftermath.
Lastly, remember that the best revenge is a life well lived …. and if your Cheater lives to see you living it, then all the better.
Ultimately, my heart goes out to Kelly Clarkson. She’ll be the one doing that hard yards helping her kids deal with the loss of their father. If she’s wise she’ll park her own feelings on the matter for a bit rather than letting it complicate their burden.
LFTT
“but the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.”
That is my measuring stick towards “meh”. I am not fully there. The divorce was only JUST made final and this has been a 5 year journey through hell, so I am not surprised that meh hasn’t fully set in.
I spend a good amount of time at meh. I occasionally have a bad memory or realization pop up about the FW and think “ugh, I hate him” and then I think, “well, I guess I am not at meh yet”. But I really am getting closer. Less and less triggers that hate reaction. A lot of the time the memories of some awful thing he did or said during discard just makes me curious in a sort of morbid way. I sometimes consider the AP, but it’s again, more curiosity than rage. I’ll take that any day over the hysterics I had back in the thick of it. But truly time is the answer. Time passes. I focus on good things. My freedom. My peace. And it helps.
Meh is there on the horizon.
My own parents never divorced but they had their share of spats. My father died when I was 8 and my mother, who is likely covert narc, was the parent left to raise us. She resented every moment and bemoaned the fact that she ever had children. My father I never knew beyond what I remember of him as a young child. He was frozen in time. A saint. My mother often would say to me, “He wasn’t perfect, you know.” It made me hurt a little for my father who wasn’t there to defend himself. I imagine the kids of FWs similarly will remember the deceased parent in the best light if they weren’t old enough to see the mask come down. In that respect at least, it is better for children to grow up knowing who their parents really are.
MrW’sEx,
My kids have no illusions as to the person that their mother is. It was them (then 11, 16 and 18) that discovered her affair and then broke the news to me.
LFTT
I’m so sorry! Same thing happen to me. My son 18 and my daughter 20 have no illusions about who their father is. My daughter 17 at the time caught her Dad my ex and his mistress on Snapchat! 💔😢 It boggles my mind that a parent can chose their AP over their own children!!! My ex left us for his mistress and her 2 young boys. When my ex left my son said… “Dad chose her and his new step sons over me!” 💔
What a terrible experience for them.
My future feelings over exH’s death might have a twinge of nostalgia for those few times when he did something charming or thoughtful for me in the early days of our relationship. We’ve been divorced for a decade, and it is a great relief to know that he’s the AP/wife’s problem now.
He spent 24 years lying to me and squandering our money on secret pursuits, and he continues to live a very unhealthy lifestyle, so it won’t be a surprise when he passes.
Our daughter will have understandable grief after his demise, but she already has very complicated feelings about his dishonorable behavior.
I, however, look forward to the future increased Social Security income, as I continue to struggle financially even ten years past divorce. So that makes 35 years since I was a single, carefree, moderate-income teacher who could spend my free time enjoying my life.
I suppose Kelly Clarkson has similar mixed feelings of both wishing we had never met them combined with the joy we feel in having our children.
If my FW ex-wife died tomorrow, I think I’d still struggle to find anything nice to say about her. Maybe, “I’m (sort of) sorry she died; she did make a half-decent chocolate brownie.
Lots to be said for a good brownie! My exH made a god-awful mess in the kitchen whenever he tried to cook, so thanks for stirring up another memory of why I’m enjoying being single, BalticChump.
I am one of those Chumps who was widowed instead of divorced and enough time has elapsed that I think I have as much objectivity as I ever will have.
30 years ago (when he was in an especially abusive era) I used to daydream that he would take his truck over a cliff because I felt so trapped, that was the only way I could see becoming free from his abuse. I foolishly soldiered along and he had better periods of time but the bad times always returned.
I find it a particular tragedy that our lives did get better after he was gone. You have to be a certain sort of messed-up for your family to flourish in (and because of) your absence. I really do mean “tragedy”…I think it’s so terribly sad that he could have been a good husband and father (for whatever ungodly reasons) chose behaviors that seriously made him a dreadful husband and father.
So, yes, some things got easier but my kids really did suffer in it all and before I found proof of more lies than I ever imagined, I did genuinely suffer as a grieving widow. There is a part of me that will never prefer that my kids lost their dad to death.
Just before he died, I had finally given up that he would ever be a decent husband…up to then, I still smoked hopium and prayed that he would have a Damascus Road sort of epiphany and become better. His death caused him to die with unrepeated wrongs and having been raised on Hollywood endings (in the media and in the RIC) it was a HUGE loss to me that there would never be resolution…in this way, I envied my chumps with living exes because from where I sat, that version of resolution seemed better than mine. (Please dont lecture me about how wrong I am/was …I think humans often see other versions of pain as better than the one they have. I get that you all didnt get any resolution either).
Ive told this story many times but it fits here. When he was canoodling with Susan of Seattle, I was convinced (with every fiber of my being) that the WORST thing that could happen would be for hm to leave me for Susan. 6 years after he died, our youngest became our only child to graduate from university. I was with family in the bleachers getting ready to cheer when her name was called and suddenly, I sincerely wished that Cheater was alive and Susan were cuddling in the adjoining section of seats. To me in that moment, I felt like our outcome was “the worst”.
It Is extremely awkward as a mom who loves her kids to be relieved by something which causes them so much pain. I think that is where Kelly Clarkson’s mind and heart will be.
Additionally, For Chumps in this spot…a few times, I alluded to people that he and I were having difficulties at the time of his death but I stopped doing that after very few interactions. It seems to me that (like I said above) we all seek resolution in human experiences and if I told someone that he was a bad husband, just the looks on their faces made it clear that they were doing mental gymnastics: “husband bad + husband dead = everything is fine”. NO!!!! It was tragic that he was an asshole and it was tragic that he died an unrepentant asshole and it adds up to 2 tragedies, not a zero sum happy outcome.
This is just another way of phrasing what I already said, but it took a different form and I hope you dont mind me belaboring it.
My ex died. After all the horrible crap he pulled on me… I cried like a baby. Don’t know why. He was a huge part of my life, and he was my sons dad. Who knows why. My husband also shed some tears when his ex (mother of his children) died.
I didn’t have to figure out any support for my son, he was grown, and I had not been a part of my ex’s life for two decades. it was right smack in the middle of Covid shutdown and even my son couldn’t do anything; because he had Covid and because of travel and hospital restrictions. They just did the cremation part, and waited for a few months to do a small private service.
I’m sure it’s complicated. My dad was not a nice man and I didn’t think I’d feel much when he passed because I’d already cried enough over that but I did feel an extremely deep sadness. It was such a waste. He could have had a nice family and instead chose to terrorize everyone around him. Was it worth it? The whole family was destroyed and none of his children came to his deathbed. And for what? Because he enjoyed being awful? Just a waste. He had everything and never realized it.
My FW is in prison now. I’m glad he’s there. He belongs there. But there is a deep sadness that will probably never go away. That was my family. I wonder sometimes if he ever wakes up in prison and realizes he had everything and he threw it all away.
For a long time, I was pretty sure that I would not be terribly sad when I lost my parents and I wondered what my grief would look like. The unexpected part of the story was that they died 14 days apart so 2 deaths (for all applicable factors) blended into one event. For a while in my adulthood, I was able to find consolation by telling myself that if dad had known better, he would have done better. His actions late in his life blew that nice thought right out of the water as his selfishness and bitterness became who he was.
I found that for me, I was not sad about losing them but their deaths gave me an overarching feeling of vulnerability that I didnt expect. I feel more afraid of the world with regard to things that had nothing to do with them. I also have menopause induced anxiety so at any given moment, Im not sure where bad feelings are coming from.
The feeling that it is just a terrible waste that people with the opportunities to be kind would instead choose to be mean is soul-grieving.
My ex’s behavior was so bad that the judge ordered that he have no contact with tween child and awarded me permanent sole custody. When ex had surgery, he left messages in a weak, breathy voice, asking me to bring tween to visit because he allegedly died and was revived multiple times, then asked friends and even his nurse to call and ask on his behalf. When I asked the nurse about his health status, she told me he was fine and exaggerating his condition because he was bored and wanted to be the center of attention.
Later, when he lived in assisted living during COVID lockdown, he again asked me to bring tween to visit, despite knowing that both of us medically were high risk and visitors were restricted.
Years later, when I had to speak to him about a financial matter, he told me, “I was all alone during COVID and scared because there were dead bodies stacked in the hall outside my door. I’ll never forgive you for not bringing {tween} to visit.”
If any of that was true, why would he want to risk tween physically, mentally and emotionally by bringing him there?
I know the visits were intended to be performative image management, because he never called, wrote or contacted tween directly, or wanted a video chat.
I wasted a lot of time researching whether or not to give tween some “final” contact, especially since years later, he’s still very much alive.
They had dead bodies stacked in the hall like cordwood. Sure, FW.
No, they stacked bodies like tables, so they could leave meal trays on the top. And no doubt every week or two, a worker dragged a cart through the hallways, clanging a bell and shouting, “Bring out yer dead.”
At health facilities, bodies remain in their rooms until they can be removed discretely, within minutes or a few hours. And people who die of communicable diseases are not left in public hallways with medically vulnerable populations. FW’s lies were bigger than his brain.
FW’s tales of multiple deaths on the OR table were so absurd that one organization called me to ask if he was in a psychiatric facility. He later told me that he was. Of course, that could have been yet another lie.
Mine also did the “not long to live” both before COVID and then during because he got long COVID in 2020. Now it’s 2025, and he’s still around.
Thankfully, I knew that deathbed visits have to be carefully thought through from that sort of thing with my parents. I chose not to go for either of them, and it was fine.
My FW texted me once while walking to train in NYC to say how he had chest pain. I told him to go to the ER then right away. He said he didnt want to go so I said, take an aspirin at least to minimize any damage. When he got home I asked if he was ok or needed to go to hospital. He said he felt better. Years later he admitted he made up the chest pain to get attention and to see what I would say. Pretty messed up.
I was an EMT in college, so my default is always the ER. My ex had complex medical issues, and we always went.
He also hinted towards suicidiality and went to the ER once for that. But he insisted no with the doctor, and they sent him home. He packed up and left (separation #1), and then tried to kill himself. Yet more hints of that during separation #2 (of course I took him back), the divorce process, and after. And every time, he insisted he was A-OK when certain people were called to check.
But he’s still around years later.
At least, I’m not at all responsible at this point.
My FW died of cancer five years ago, when our children were 5, 7, 9, and 11 years old. He is not missed by anyone in this household. My children are now 16, 14, 13, and 11, and we love his little, happy, sane family we nurture. It really is so much easier this way.
I have dated. I even fell deeply in love for a time, but am single and staying that way intentionally for now. As with Clarkson, even if I find love again, I will not remarry. There is so much delicious freedom in this for now.
I feel bad for saying this, and I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I am sort of jealous that your FW died and mine didn’t. We had rough finances and a crap ton of debt at the time he cheated, and it would have been so much better for me and our youngest child, who is disabled, if he had died and we had gotten his life insurance. Could have bought a house and paid off all the debt…etc.
And full confession of one of my weakest and darkest moments of my life – he had said he was struggling with depression and that’s why he cheated (instead of coming to his #1 person to talk to, the person that loved him the most in the world?) but he had thought of killing himself “many times” during that period (but decided to just betray me and his family instead), and I told him in that moment, “I wish you would have, rather than hurt me and the kids”.
He was shocked and had instant rage, “You gotta be kidding me, you wish I would have killed myself?”
Me, “You gotta be kidding me! I can’t believe you cheated on me and ruined our marriage and family! 30 F*ing years just tossed to the side like trash! Yes! Rather than do the worst thing you can do to a spouse who loved you, betray her and almost kill her, yes, I wish you would have killed yourself and spared us all of this trauma and agony.”
OMG. Not my best moment, but I had just found out about his infidelity and I was traumatized and having a rage moment myself. But I had good reason to have rage. He didn’t. He got fired from his job, was mortified and depressed and decided to take it out on me! And it was about his fragile ego. But that’s just an excuse. He could have talked to me and I would have supported and helped him like I always had for 30 years. There are plenty of jobs out there. Matter of fact, I think he has an even better job now that pays more (per the kids)! Stupid jerk.
He chose WRONG. No one should ever chose to do something like that, betray. Just leave. Get a divorce and be decent. Sheesh.
Before my FW#2 cheated, I would have been DEVISTATED if he had died. I mean, I am sure I would have been inconsolable and maybe – since we had been together almost 30 years and he had been the love of my life – I even thought maybe I would have died shortly thereafter of broken heart syndrome. That can happen to couples who have been married a long time. I figured another 20 years, we would have been married 50 years at that point, a cute little old couple holding hands on a sunny morning walk. You get the picture. But that didn’t happen. Instead, he blew up our lives, our family, by deciding to cheat because he got fired from a job and “snapped”, in his words.
Turns out my heart was broken in a different way than I could have ever imagined. I was blind sided. And now, now that we are over and all of that shit is behind me, I can honestly say that although I might be a tiny bit sad because he is the father of 3 of my kids whom I love very much. But mostly not. I think I will feel relief that this person who abused me in every way possible, is gone.
That is REALLY sad. But HE did that, caused that with his own choices and behavior, not me. At least I have that.
For Kelly Clarkson, yes, complex grief. It must be rough.
My ex was retired when we split, and the kids were in college. He always had very difficult medical problems, so this sort of thing was an occasional discussion after he left. I had always managed the medications and been involved with the specialist visits, so there were questions about how he would manage that himself. Well, he’s an adult who has chosen to live in another state where he has relatives. It wasn’t for me to remain involved that way.
The kids joined me in no-contact during the divorce and have remained so. They never saw him face-to-face again after he left. I did email-only with my ex during closeout, and he was awful. But with Bill Eddy’s BIFF method, I kept it all business, and he eventually stopped contacting me.
Reportedly, my ex’s family grew fed up with his choices and largely cut off contact, and he had a long-term girlfriend who lived with him at least part-time that they disapproved of.
He’s nearly seventy and is in even worse health, from what I was told. So it could be any time, or maybe not. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not notified for quite a while because of the situation. I receive part of his pension with reduced survivor benefits, so I might know that way if the payments drop.
At this point, I think I’ve grieved it out. My adult kids have said the same. I wouldn’t go to services if invited, and neither would my kids. He’s been gone for over eight years now, so we’re in an entirely different chapter. Sad, but there it is.
The only reason I went to my father’s funeral was that my mother expected me to. Otherwise, I would have told the executor to stick a stake through his heart to make sure he stayed dead, and then throw him in the ground.
Yes, I’m bitter and am still angry with him. At least I’m capable of admitting it.
Yes, being honest about anger was something I had to learn during my mess. It can actually drive us forward in healing.
Part of the reason I pretty much decided not to go to a funeral was that I felt like his family should be free to express how they thought he was while I held onto knowing what he really was. But years later now, I’m not sure how involved they would be. It might happen without me knowing.
At my mother’s funeral, her sister asked me if she could make a statement about my mother’s long-term mental health issues and then difficult dementia. She made it about how we appreciated the friends who struck by her and also those who tried to help, knowing that my mother was a very disturbed, unwell person. It was short and appreciative.
I’ve only been to one other funeral that did that. The pastor acknowledged that the deceased had been alcoholic most of his life, and that made him very difficult at times. But he asked that folks share positive memories to comfort the family. That worked too.
I found out about my FW’s double life, approximately three months after his death. The next few months after that D-Day were really tough – as I was effectively mourning two deaths; it felt as if the first had destroyed my future and the second, my past. I remember though, having a dream, some months after D-Day, in which he was still alive and I woke up in a cold sweat saying to myself “It’s ok, it’s ok. He’s still dead, you’re safe.” After that, it started to get easier as I realised I no longer wanted him in my present or future. I now wonder if I am, weirdly, doing better than I would have been if I hadn’t found out. I am loving my new independent life and happy not to have him in it.
I read that Kelly moved him into her house & was taking care of him. And all these people were commenting “what a good woman, what a good mother”. And here is that chump-making talk. To suggest if she hadn’t done that, she wouldn’t be otherwise; which is bullshit.
And can I also say the apple didn’t fall from the tree. His dad, (Narvel Blackstock) allegedly cheated with Reba McEntire on his mother, and then used Reba as his personal piggy bank. Another good reason to get kids away from FWs before they can become one. If FW died, I would feel sad for my kids but also relief. I wouldn’t have to be vigilant in watching for him & Schmoopie at public events. And I would be rid of Schmoopie! Bonus! I would probably mourn over “what might have been” again a little bit. I wouldn’t attend his funeral unless my kids requested. But Kelly’s kids are younger so I understand why she would.
Agree. I hate it when people praise chumpiness. It’s no different to criticizing chumps for not forgiving.
Exactly! If Kelly had kept her boundaries up with someone who treated her abusively….she wouldn’t receive much praise. Society really does condition people to suck up ill treatment by others.
It’s almost like that’s what our society runs on, isn’t it? Privilege for certain groups of people supported by bad treatment of other groups.
My cheater died by suicide. In life he was horribly abusive and after death I learned the full extent of his double life which was 100 times worse than what I knew of when he was still alive. He made sure upon his death that the whole truth would come out, and I’m convinced he did it to ensure he could torture me from the grave. It’s a horrible situation. Unicornnomore gave me some of the best advice I got during that time. Basically those that knew of his awfulness would not understand the grief I did feel and those that still thought he was a great guy would not understand my relief that he was finally out of my life for good. To be careful with who I confided in and give myself time to process and heal.
It’s been almost 10 years, I still have days I am still so angry that he checked out and left me with nothing but bad memories and questions. I had a good therapist that understood how awful my life had been married to him and I’ve slowly climbed my way out of the hole he left me in. My therapist told me I was lucky he didn’t try to take me with him. I still am not sure I will ever trust anyone again in a romantic way but I’ve built a nice peaceful content life and can finally say I am happy.
The dead cheaters club is a small group and we deal with a different set of problems those with live cheaters have, neither situation is good.
Oh how kind of you to say that…Im so glad that I was able to help.
10 years later and I remain eternally grateful to you, your kindness and depth of understanding helped me thru the worst time in my life. Sending you positive vibes always!
I had similar thoughts about my toxic parents. I have been no contact for decades now, and if they died, I am not even sure whether I would find out about it. If I would get notified in time, I would still not attend the service. If only one of them had died, the main reason would be not wanting to meet the other parent ever again no matter the circumstances. However, even if both of them had passed, I would be a little bit scared of who else might be in attendance. What kind of people would they be? What would they think about me? What kind of lies would my parents have fed them? Knowing my parents, those lies could have been quite atrocious. On the other hand, we were this weird little “family cult” that most neighbors were avoiding anyway, and they had alienated most of the few other relatives they had (I was an only child), so it is quite possible that very few people would be in attendance, anyway.
The death of relatives can be a very complicated issue if the relationship did not conform to social norms.
Right around the time I was waking up to the abuse I had been receiving in my marriage (although I don’t *think* he was cheating at the time), my then husband was working in a developing country for a couple of weeks and got really sick with a high fever. He got medical help and recovered.
About 7 years later I met with a friend for lunch, while I was separated from my husband after DDay #2. She is a pentecostal charismatic and she revealed to me that she was awakened in the middle of the night and was prompted to pray fervently for my husband – at the time he had that high fever. She said she saw a vision of him succumbing to the fever and of him in a coffin.
She told me this thinking I would be happy to hear this, how she had been a part of his life being spared.
But I wasn’t at all happy, I was so discouraged that the prayer I had been praying for a while by that time, that God would take one of us because it was the ONLY way I thought I could get out of my abusive marriage, was not answered. Rather, it seemed that God very much wanted him alive longer.
I had to go through hell, with separating and divorce, panic attacks and getting on meds and losing most of my network of 30 years.
I still wish my prayers had been answered and not my friend’s middle-of-the-night prayers. But am accepting that my ways are not God’s and for whatever reason my ex lives on (but now struggles with long Covid – a little bit of schadenfreude!). But he lives to victimize another woman who he is about to marry this October. So much yuck!
I only learned today that her FW is a stepson of Reba McEntire. I didn’t know the FW’s dad cheated on his mom with Reba, who sang the duet ‘Does He Love You?’ with Linda Davis in the early 90s. Reba sang the part of the chumped wife, though, while Linda sang the part of the OW, both crooning to each other “does he [the FW] love you like he loves me?” (Nope! He only loves himself). Talk about life imitating art…Daddy FW almost certainly cheated on Reba too while using her for her money. He then went on to marry her best friend, whom I’m sure he was ogling while still married to Reba.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUP9DnurODw&list=RDFUP9DnurODw&start_radio=1
Oddly enough, Reba then reprised this song with none other than Kelly Clarkson herself, whom I now know was her stepson’s wife. Kelly sang the part of the OW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYcciM7owWo&list=RDTYcciM7owWo&start_radio=1
Country music is riddled with lyrics about adultery and betrayal. The music is addictive AF, but not sure if it’s actually healthy for our souls!
This story does not really belong here today as my hat is off to all who grieve or don’t grieve a cheater…but here it is. I adored my first X MIL, a woman I knew since I was 6. She moved here from Germany 4 years after the war. She taught me how to bake and was an angel to me, cooking, helping me with each new baby… I married her son who turned out to be a pregnancy cheater and left me days after delivery. I tried my best to stay in contact with my XMIL for my sake. Then 2 months ago I heard she was heading to hospice. I went to pay one last visit to say my goodbye. As I walked in, there sat my XSIL who had never ever contacted me since her brother left me. Not a card not a call. As soon as I saw her she wanted to chat about her kids, her home by the beach, her new husband??? I started to stutter and shake. She asked me to pull up a chair to chat. I could not. I hugged my xMIL sitting there in her wheel chair and left my flowers and turned around…I don’t know if I even said goodbye I was in such shock seeing my SIL for the first time in 38 years. My MIL died 3 week later and I never said good bye. If her son died, my child hood sweetheart, I would keep the good memories and let the awful go. But I cannot feel as bad as the loss of his mother. She loved me, at least I think so. Nothing seems real anymore…
“This story does not really belong here today”. I have a different thought. I think it’s perfect timing. This brings into the light the chumpiness people are expected to spackle over when a FW dies.
There is so much peripheral damage
I’m sure your ex-MIL loved you. Those instances of her showing you such kindness when you were a kid. Your ex-SIL not reaching out to you all those years may have something do do with your ex, her brother. You don’t know what goes on in sibling relationships. When my sister and her ex broke up, she asked my other sibling and me to avoid contacting him. She wouldn’t allow it; instead we had to go through her to tell him that we would miss seeing him around. He was a great guy. You don’t know what kind of promise or contract she had with her brother, and knowing that he was a cheater, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did something shady like prevent his sister from reaching out to you all this time.
As for your ex-MIL’s passing, even if you didn’t explicitly say the words “goodbye,” I’m sure she knew that’s why you were there. You didn’t need to spell it out for her. She knew her time was coming to an end, and your presence there was what mattered. It’s unfortunate that your XSIL’s presence was so disturbing that you didn’t have more time to be present with your XMIL, but I’m sure she appreciated the effort.
Mtercha those were the kindest words and they did comfort me. I will say that after I left, my daughter flew in the visit her dying grandmother. My daughter told me that XSIL had told her I had signer into the hospice using my old X name so I could get in..not true in the least, told my daughter I just put the flowers in water abs gave my MIL a taste of the gift I had made her and walked out in a huff. My daughter said, mom did you do that? I told her no never did I use another name etc..and she said, well good because that does not sound like you. So my X SIL has had an agenda behind my back with my kids.. But I agree with you on sibling contracts as I asked my sisters not to contact my X at all, not on FB etc.and one of them snuck support messages to #2 X anyway!! When I found out I told her, my sis that I would stop sharing my thoughts with her till after I was safely divorced. Who knows if she complied because I am not on social media..but you are right. I know this is off topic but often we might miss the Xs family more than we would misd our X.
Good for your daughter for being able to separate fact from fiction! She sounds very smart and not easily manipulable.
Actually my cheater is my daughters hero. She has bought the Xs family stories and is very supportive of them all.She will be the one( along with Wifetress) caring for her father. It is what it is. It’s OK now. Thank you so much for your words of comfort. Chumps like me learn to live with life as it comes, taking the good along with the sad.
You still dodged a bullet. Caring for somebody that overweight (and dishonest) can’t be fun.
Yes! The hospice nurse, a friend of mine told me several days later that the my X was so mean to the dying!!I domt know how such a sweet kid( we knew each other at age 6) turned into such an awful unkind person. The same question many chumps ask…..
You always read/ hear/ witness wonderful people dying young. And you think why them? Its nice to see a jerk die young for a change
👏 🙌 👏
My FW threatened suicide at one point. At the time, my oldest had stopped speaking to him just prior. In that moment, all I cared about was my kids. I was afraid that if he did die, especially by suicide, how would that affect them both, but especially my oldest?
I maybe can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t care at all on my part if he had died then. But for sure, my main and only concern was my kids at that time.
I think it really is complicated. If he were to die of natural cases tomorrow, I would feel bad for my kids to have lost their dad. I would feel bad for the one who is estranged as she might also feel guilt.
But there would be things that would be easier for me. Including but not limited to the fact that I am afraid of him. And if he was gone, I wouldn’t have to be any more.
Also, he is disordered. Who knows what fuckwittery my kids are going to deal with as the years pass. Maybe he could get better. But maybe he could get worse. Death would put an end to the risk of him getting worse. (or better…)
I don’t wish death on him. And I wouldn’t want my kids to be any worse off emotionally. But I am not sure how I would feel in regards to just me.
Yes, been there. Periodic suicidal ideation on my ex’s part, with one unsuccessful attempt. It was very, very hard on our kids. They were way more aware than he knew. Those thoughts flared during the divorce process, and his attorney took it very, very seriously.
But what a relief it was to be divorced with two kids over 18. Even though he played games with the three of us after that, we set the terms at that point. It’s been a few years since we heard from him.
I remember thinking that I was glad I discovered his whoremongering before he died so that I could scream at him, which I did. Otherwise, it made no difference. I got no answers, and he got the chance to blame me. I got to see that he thinks he did nothing wrong.
All during the divorce I was hoping he would die because it would be easier. If he didn’t answer a text right away, I would hope it was because he was dead. Not an unreasonable wish given that he has health problems and takes many prescribed medications.
During the divorce, he actually did at one point faint from taking too much Viagra and almost fell into a very busy street. He came to hugging a mail relay box. Death by Viagra would have been karma at its best! I know this happened only because he told me. The Ivy League Idiot ordered Viagra online although he has physicians who prescribed it for him that can watch out for drug interactions.
Now that the divorce is final, I’m largely indifferent as to whether he is still alive. I am grateful and relieved that he is out of my life. No Contact = “He is dead to me” anyway.
I didn’t know that “Death by Viagra” is a thing. And yes, it sure would have been karma.
I wish that particular humiliating exit on FW. Daily
In the beginning when it first came out my fw’s mother said to me “this would have been easier for you if he had died”. I know she didn’t want him to die, and neither did I. (though for a while I did imagine him floating face down in the Ohio River). But, she had been in a miserable marriage and he died of a sudden heart attack at age 48, so she knew what she was speaking of. Later, she turned on me; but I expected that. Blood/water.
Last year a friend’s FW ex died in a crash months after their divorce … he’d been cheating throughout their 5yr marriage with a child. Yet she said it was an amicable split and she helped him buy a house post divorce & paid for his funeral while he’s already living with his mistress. I don’t get it, someone help me get it.
My FW is like Brandon but probably 10x more cruel. We just had our final court date after 20+ years of every kind of abuse financial, legal and physical towards me and my child, divorce was 18 years ago. I just need him to vanish and stay gone, that is all . Kelly is blessed.
She was still likely “pick me” dancing.
Responding to Archer
I think it may apply here too perhaps – and she won when his family declared her the wife in a very flowery & flamboyant obituary.
We offered to help my H’s kids pay for their mothers funeral, but his son said he had it. It was a simple event, with a small dinner at the church. So it might have been something like that. If they shared kids. Likely if he had been married to the whore, she wouldn’t have. But the helping him buy a house, yeah that is weird.
Has Kelly Clarkson ever come out to acknowledge his abuse and cheating or did she spackle this whole time?
FW did a bunch of faux suicidal ideation stuff during wreckonciliation soI’ve contemplated his death multiple times. All manipulation.
Because my FW was thinking about /plotting my demise, and he lives in my town, my feelings wouldn’t be terribly complicated: what a sense of relief if my would-be murderer died tomorrow! That residual fear would be gone at last.
I’ve already decided I’d never let society or anyone pressure me to be his caregiver even if he’s dying of a painful cancer.
She was likely still “pick me” dancing.
It’s tough. My late FW died (didn’t make it out of surgery) knowing that I would be divorcing him after he rehabbed from a huge horrible crazy surgery. Not real elective type of thing. I told him I’d stick around as a caregiver until he was on his feet.
I knew some of his story before he died, enough to want to divorce him-more of his story/AP’s came into the light in various ways after he died. Bizarre. Asked him to come clean with me before that last surgery-DID NOT obviously. Liars gotta keep on lying..
My son became aware of it like 6 months after he died. He’s an adult-was 22 when his dad passed and was just blind sided by the whole deal. I have to be careful as it was his dad-but what absolutely blew up was what a complete ASSHAT my FIL became. He couldn’t deny all the evidence (presented via discovery by his other sons) but he truly just absolutely can’t admit that one of his son’s could have done this. Still in denial 9 years later.
I was a mess for years really..but now I’ve reached Meh. Him dying was the best thing for me financially. Not initially (dual income becomes single income with the same bills…)-but with me managing my earnings, money not being spent all over with numerous Schmoopies (he travelled for work of course), and good investment help…I’m doing well. Enough so to travel internationally several times over the past few years with friends.
I rarely think about him if I’m being honest. That’s Meh…
Last night I had a bad dream in which my FWX died in a plane crash. What was bad about the dream was the guilt I felt (because I sometimes do fantasize with it, when she makes my life just too miserable only for the kick of it) in face of my children’s sadness. I woke up and started my day as usual, only for her to make my life extremely miserable and difficult – as usual – over my picking up the kids in the eve of father’s day. A lot of unnecessary and outrageous insults were flown at my face over a ton of deranged whatsapp texts. Finally, she asked me to take the kids early (so she could be free early), as usual. Really, what an effing waste of carbon. I hope I have the same dream tonight. I’ll try to enjoy it better and longer.
Good riddance! I’m glad she no longer has to pay off this jerk.
Complicated grief..yeah, when my dad died. We’d been estranged for 20 years before he died, so in a way, I’d already mourned him. But it brought back memories. Anyway, I’m less angry with him since he died.
In my experience,as a member of the septegenarian club, many, many betrayed women feel amazing relief when the FW dies. I know of a few who told me things like: I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Or: I feel like justice has finally prevailed. That sort of thing. I am not aware of any who were really grief-stricken.
I recall a Law and Order SVU episode from a few years back–not sure how long ago–when a female attorney who had been betrayed and emotionally abused for many years by her attorney husband was eating dinner with her FW at home. He had been involved with many prostitutes and it was well-known. They were maybe in their late 60s or early 70s. He choked on his food. He needed help, Heimlich maneuver, something. She sat and watched him, and only many minutes later, as he was seconds away from death, did she call 911. When Olivia from SVU (the main character)–came to interview her at the home, she was very aware of the whole story and what happened. Olivia looked the wife in the eye and told her that she knew what had happened, there would be no charges or any criminal proceedings, and that this was never to go beyond the two of them.
Made total sense to me.
Yeah, complex grief for sure. I’m relieved for Kelly though, that guy would absolutely continue to be a living nightmare for her for all time. The family would be forced to stay all stressed and sad dealing with his constantly manufactured chaos. This is who they are.
There are just people in this world that don’t make it better by being here. Sad but true.
I’m glad Kelly’s family doesn’t have to deal with his toxicity any longer in their lives. I see it as a true blessing for all of them.
(Kelly is probably having a whole bunch of involuntarily deep and peaceful sighs.)
I’ve thought about my ex’s passing from time to time and if I would attend his funeral. I believe I would, but only
if my kids would feel comfortable having me there for support. ( his family does not keep in touch with them, so services would be pretty awkward for them)
In my own mind, he died a long time ago. Even though I realize at his earthly death, I might still be revisited by the senselessness of his many bad choices and grieve that. He basically killed himself, there isn’t ever going to be a good ending to that.
He’s had two strokes in the last 7 years since our divorce and now has leukemia ( CLL, early stage) so not sure he will outlive me, even though I am one year his senior.
I would say my three kids ( age 32-35) have been traumatized enough by him to have actually gone through the existential death of their father already. The man we all knew is dead to all of us.
But two of my children do keep in touch from time to time with him. Maybe out of pity for a dad that had it all and burned it to the ground? I can’t say and I think they fully don’t understand why they feel any desire to maintain any contact.
The encounters are never easy on them and very triggering. They prepare for the contact and need to process the impact afterwards. It’s an ordeal.
You just get to grieve the loss of what could have been. Then we continue walking through the darkness to a lot sunnier places to dwell in, where peace exists.
Very Naughty thoughts……. or perhaps not so naughty? I’m glad for Kelly. Personally, when I was married I dreamed of being widowed because I was miserable and back then I did not believe that it is okay to divorce for being unloved, emotionally abandoned and covertly abused. Nowadays, I do have ‘thoughts’ about his longevity, as his earlier than expected demise would benefit me financially. I know, naughty and not very nice. Not that eX was nice to me, eh?
I hate the fact that “Death makes angels of us all.” I hate that the enablers of cheaters weaponize events like funerals to further abuse chumps.
A cheater’s death is never the vaunted “gift” folks maybe think it is. It’s traumatized kids who have already been traumatized. It’s getting sucked back into cheater dramaz. Sometimes it’s a huge financial blow to the divorced chump. Really depends.
I get the impulse to wish for it, but as always, be careful what you wish for.
Me!
My abusive FW killed himself during out divorce. I’m the only one who noticed he was missing, and the only one who went looking for him. I got the police involved, and we found his body almost a week from the day he stopped answering calls. Along with an extensive suicide note.
After the initial shock (mostly worry about how I was going to tell my 9 year old), I felt ANGRY. He knew I’d be the one left to clean up his mess and deal with our child. It felt like a last f*ck you to me.
But when those early feelings dissipated, my overwhelming emotion was RELIEF. I felt guilty about that for a while, but I don’t anymore. He treated me horribly. He almost killed me. He lied to me about “she’s just a friend” OW for years and enjoyed watching me fall apart. He created a chaotic environment for our kid (the shared custody caused my son so much anxiety and depression, he ended up in a children’s mental ward because he was threatening self harm – at age 8). FW was dragging his feet through the divorce (that HE wanted), draining me financially and emotionally.
I won’t lie. My life got SO MUCH easier. No more huge legal bills. No more schlepping my kid back and forth. No more threats. No more abusive and harassing texts and calls. No more worrying what lies he was telling my son. No more worrying that my son might become the target of FW’s abuse (especially as my kid enters his teens and isn’t so “agreeable” anymore). No more dealing with OW. No more smear campaigns. My son is doing so much better too.
Now I have a peaceful home (and without the legal bills, I was able to buy my own house). I have a child who is relaxed and calm and happy. I have money in the bank. I have friends. I have cats. I don’t deal with constant criticism of my parenting. My PTSD is mostly gone. I’m able to just live my life and be happy and free.
I do find it sad that no matter how much I (or anyone else) tried to help FW, he didn’t actually want help. In the end, he died alone and hopeless. That’s not a fate I’d wish on anyone. He pushed away everyone who actually cared about him in favor of people who stroked his ego. And those people were nowhere to be found when he actually needed someone.
I wonder if Kelly might have found her way here…I hope so and if she did, I hope she doesn’t find this thread disrespectful. We’re here for the famous and the solitary, the rich and the poor…we’re Chump Nation