Left a Cheater, Got an Education
She left a cheater and got an education. A much better investment of her time and talents than pining over a FW.
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Hi, Chump Lady,
I’m sure you get many, many more pleas for help than positive updates, so I wanted to pass mine along.
It’s been about a year and a half since I sent you my letter.
In that time, I got divorced, got a small settlement from my ex-husband, and have not heard from or spoken to him since.
I found out through the grapevine that he’s working with the OW, and they’re presumably official now. I was finally able to get in contact with her husband, who confirmed that she finally left him for my ex about six months ago. Her chumped husband didn’t want to commiserate with me, and even though he confirmed he’s divorcing his cheating wife, court records show they’re not divorced yet. (Okay, I check maybe every other month — I’m doing better, but I’m not quite at Meh).
I basically don’t remember 2024 (I did do a year of therapy, I remember that!), but I did take a very important Build A Life step:
I applied to Physician Assistant school, and I was accepted!
At first, I received multiple rejections and didn’t think it would happen in the first go-round, but I was pulled off the waitlist in March 2025 and started classes in late May. Even better, I was accepted to a school only 1.5 hours from my hometown. I’m so, so happy to be close to my family again. I’ve seen my parents more in the past two months than I usually do in an entire year. I was also able to see my sister get married this past weekend — she was the cornerstone of Team Me, and I was so honored to be part of her special day.
It’s hard to date or have hobbies in PA school, so my Build A Life energy right now is going into my education. I’m not at Meh yet, but I have every confidence that I will arrive someday.
Thank you for everything you do. Any time I had a doubt (What if he’s better for her? He left me without a backward glance — I must be a terrible, abusive POS whom no one could ever love! This is my fault, if I had only…), it seems like you had a pearl of wisdom that firmly and decisively guided me back towards self-love and self-esteem.
Your “If it feels good, don’t do it” advice helped me maintain my dignity when all I wanted was to make a spectacle of myself. And your constant reminders that infidelity is abuse helped me not take on guilt that wasn’t mine to bear. I bookmarked dozens of different articles and would whip them out any time I was spiraling. You kept me sane until my better angels found their way back to me.
Right now I’m surviving, but I can see that Tuesday is just over the next horizon.
Thank you again for everything, and for being you. Just by being unapologetically yourself out there on the Internet, you did more for me than I can ever express. Thank you for wanting better for me when I was content with scraps, and please never stop spreading your Team Self-Respect message.
Fooled Me Thrice
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Dear Fooled Me Thrice,
Thanks for your inspiring “left a cheater, got an education” message. And congrats on your acceptance to PA school! I’m running your letter on a Tuesday, of course. (To the newbies, Tuesday is the day the pain stops. We don’t know when your Tuesday is coming, but it’s out there.)
You totally understood the assignment — you poured your energy into yourself instead of an unworthy FW. Being a PA pays a lot better than being a chump. Well done!
And I love that you’re closer to your family too. Not only are you investing in yourself, you’re rewarding everyone who was Team You during the troubles. They deserve your company, not the FW.
Thank you for the kind words, but remember, I’m not the one who wanted better for you — YOU did. You stopped accepting scraps. All that hard work to build a new life and get accepted to school and move cross country was yours alone. I will take credit for building a community of other badasses who demonstrate that it can be done. There’s a better life on the other side of chumpdom — move towards it.
The Tuesday assignment for CN — tell Fooled Me Thrice about your self-investment wins, educational or otherwise. And happy Tuesday!
Congratulations, FooledMeThrice. That’s awesome and I hope you’ll come and update us when you’re done with your degree!
11 years since the divorce and I’m finishing a PhD next year. Finished an MA shortly after the divorce. I published in one of the best journals in my field last year and I have quality academic publishers interested in my dissertation work. I live in a 5-bedroom house and love my job.
XH has been a college drop-out since 2006. I saw him 2 weeks ago and his situation is little changed since the divorce in 2014: tiny, crappy apartment, barely any furniture, awful vehicle (the police just seized the last vehicle he bought saying it was stolen!), low-paying dance instruction job, and his girlfriend (who was not the AP) just broke up with him. Literally the only things that have changed for him in 11 years is his hair is grayer and some really unflattering balding has set in.
(My hair is grayer also, btw, but I grew it out and am proudly embracing it.)
The best revenge really is to build a life you are proud of and live it well.
FMT here. Thank you for sharing! I hope I can mirror your success as I continue to move forward.
Wasn’t this also happening while you were pregnant? Either way, you are mighty and clearly a force with which to be reckoned. I am constantly amazed at people’s stories here.
Thanks! And yup! XH began chasing his co-worker after I got pregnant, but it was a little weird because they were never physical. He asked me for a divorce at 5 months pregnant, then rushed out to tell her how he felt, and she shot him down, lol. 😆
The son I was pregnant with is almost 12 now and doing really well. He edits my TikToks and YouTubes.
I remember your story.
You’re a boss!
Congrats! Way to go! We are all proud of you here. I did not go back to school, as I already had my Ph.D. But…I now race on a regular basis. Initially, I even ran 2 races right across the water from the crib of of one of his betrayal objects in the DC area, and one past the townhome in Georgetown of another one. I win in my age bracket all the time, and this year for the first time I ran in the Colfax Marathon. If you race out in this part of the US West, you know it is a big deal. It was glorious and triumphant. Oh, and my age bracket is 70+. Tuesday is coming for all of you chumps out there. Celebrate it.
FMT here. I’m so impressed by your fitness achievement! I keep meaning to get back to the gym, to achieve my 5-year “Hotter, Smarter, Fitter, Richer” plan – maybe now that “Smarter” is firmly under my belt, it’s time to work on “Fitter”!
Yes, yes! Keep on keeping on! No reason to stop feeling better, doing more,achieving your goals. At any age. I may not be doing a whole lot in the “hotter” area at this phase of life, but there is something incredibly powerful about moving ahead and doing more than anyone–even you–ever dreamed. You have lots of great Tuesdays ahead! Celebrate them all!
FMT,
What an awesome story; it’s quite clear that you were the prize all along!
As regards CL’s question about “Self-Investment Wins” I think that – at least in my case – accepting that I needed help from a therapist (often hard for a male Chump to get their head around) and then “doing the work” was a long term investment in me that is now paying off.
D-Day was 10 years ago and our divorce was finalised 8 years ago, and I made a conscious decision early on to avoid romantic entanglements and just work on myself and to support my children (then 11, 16 and 18, but now 21, 26 and 29). I’m still single by choice (I’m yet to dip my toes in the dating pool and, to be frank, the “Apps” looks like a cesspit from where I’m looking), but I’m comfortable with that. If I meet someone that can add to what I have without detracting from it then great, but if I don’t …. then also great. I guess the point of what I’m trying to say is that I made a conscious effort to become someone that I was happy being and in being happy in my own company. I think that makes me a more rounded person than I was, and – I hope – potentially a better partner for the right person should they come along. What I am not going to do is get into a position whereby I see being single as being in any way “less than.”
But to go back to my first point, I think that FMT absolutely nailed it … and I couldn’t be happier for her.
LFTT
FMT here. Thank you! I have a few acquaintances who agree with you that I was the prize (and my friends and family, of course). My XH fumbles a lot of the good things that come into his life, so it makes sense. I hope to date again someday, but for now, I’m focus on myself and my degree. Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience!
You nailed it! Congratulations on getting into PA school. I see a PA for my allergies and asthma, and she went back to school after her ex ditched her. She had kids and lived with her parents while in school, and never looked back.
The best revenge is to build an extraordinary, fulfilling life.
FMT here. Thank you for sharing! I love browsing jobs for PAs in distant cities (or countries!), and dreaming about the freedom I’ll have once I’m licensed. I never could have done any of it if my XH hadn’t left me. I got a 3.5 this semester, so I’m determined to do even better next semester!
Way to go… You Are Mighty!
I’m not at Tuesday yet. But in the 4 years since Dday, I left him while pregnant with twins (and 2 older kiddos), birthed them sans him, have won majority custody and continue to have to fight that fight, won 4 awards at work, earned a promotion, am crushing it in my new job, reclaimed my maiden name, am closer to my family (we were close before he tried to isolate me from them) and am about to see my twins off to preschool, my older two to 2nd and 6th grades. I am open to dating but haven’t made it to a second date yet and am keeping my standards high. Unfortunately, I am almost constantly in litigation with FW but I am holding him accountable to his financial responsibility for the children. I look forward to respite from that and remodeling my kitchen.
FMT here. I never would have left my FW – he walked out on me, and the fact that I was dumped by someone so unworthy of me makes me cringe. Leaving while pregnant is MIGHTY AF, and then parenting FOUR BABIES while going through the trauma of betrayal is legendary. People who have survived things like that leave me in awe. Thank you for sharing!
Went to grad school at age 58, after putting it off for him, so that I never ever ever ever again have to think: “I should’ve gone to grad school.” Feels great!
FMT here. I also slowed down my schooling to support my FW’s professional life (where he met his Howorker), but I never gave up (I’ll be 39 when I graduate)! We both knew for years that I wanted to go to school – but I was finally ready, and we both knew that meant he would have to step up. There are a lot of things that killed our marriage, and I think him being afraid of the responsibility was a big part of it. I’ll never shrink myself professionally for a man ever again.
I already have a PhD, but I had hoped to go back to school when I retired from the university where I was a tenured professor to get a massage therapy certificate, and then volunteer with the Center for Victims of Torture to work with women. That, alas, did not happen, as my then 93 year old mother had a stroke, and needed to be cared for. I spent the three years after my retirement caring for her, and then a year settling her estate.
The month before I sold her condo, I bought a house from colleagues who were moving out of state. A beautiful century old house, with original (unpainted) woodwork and hardwood floors, surrounded by a beautiful garden. There’s a very small circle of lawn in the back, but most of the yard is filled with spring ephemerals and other native plants, with hostas and flowering bushes and trees, chosen for their fragrance and value to wildlife. I have never been a gardener, except minimally. Because I grew up in a forest, I’ve always had a hands-off, let-the-trees-fall-where-they-may attitude to gardening, but I am slowly learning. This summer I filled a raised bed with sunflowers, for Ukraine, and this fall I will plant saffron crocus, in hopes of harvesting enough stigmas to perfume my favorite lamb, lentil, rice, and chickpea soup.
Meanwhile, my ex, who hated anything growing that impeded his lawn mowing (the only outdoor chore he ever did, leaving the snow shoveling and leaf raking to me), recently sold the marital home (I sold him my half for less than market value, so I could get out quickly), so he could move in with his current girlfriend, but before he did, he paid a small fortune to a landscaping company to come in and remove all the trees (including my beloved cherry) and bushes, including the line of lilacs I requested for Mother’s Day gifts when my son was small (and that he left me to plant).
I saw photos of what he’d done on Zillow, and thought that the contrast between that soulless, empty expanse of suburban lawn and my lush and blooming garden said it all.
FMT here. That’s terrible. I adore gardening and my fondest hope is to have a house of my own with a big, luxurious garden. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you’re free.
There’s a special place in hell for people who kill trees, which are the lungs of the planet, just for cosmetic reasons. Who would remove something as gorgeous as lilacs and cherry trees FFS? An *sshole, that’s who. F*ck that guy.
Your place sounds like paradise to me. You have described exactly the sort of place I love.
I have a cute shingled cottage and quite literally hundreds of trees on my lot. I have only removed dead ones and a couple which were compromising the foundation, but still I was sad about it. There is no lawn and it’s is a mess of leaves, acorns and pine needles, too many to rake up, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Natural = beautiful. I have some quite rare wildflowers which come up every year. They wouldn’t be there if I kept it tidy. There are also raspberries and loganberries. Nom nom nom!
Ugh, sounds like Hitler’s Berghoff at Obersalzberg.
I just met an arborist– interesting cat who used to be professional pilot– who said he could tell in one glance at a garden what the politics of the property owner is.
I thought that was interesting and looked up articles about what happens to public gardens under repressive regimes. Aside from reading about Mussolini’s sterile plans to transform Rome, the barren Berghoff and China’s deliberate neglect and destruction of green spaces to deter dissident gatherings, I ran into articles about the current paving over of the White House rose garden and ominously regimented relandscaping, including tearing out all the iconic flowering crab apple trees.
I think that arborist may be onto something. The yards in my neighborhood which had right wing election signs are all either mostly devoid of flowers and trees or have obsessively neat gardens and only a few trees. This area is in the middle of a forest and these idiots don’t like trees. Smh.
My impression is that authoritarians of either political extreme are always radically patriarchal but typically with such a fragile sense of masculinity that they end up putting a strangle hold on aesthetics to guard against “emasculating” influences. For instance, during the military dictatorship in Argentina, the traditional “fileteado” style of public art and hand-painted calligraphy that you see covering city busses, public signs, kiosks, etc. (the most quintessentially Argentine thing outside of tango) was banned for being too flowery and feminine.
“he could tell in one glance at a garden what the politics of the property owner is.” So interesting. When I lived in drought plagued Cali, I was always struck by the houses in my neighborhood where some houses were following water restriction for their brown lawns and others had lush green acreage. This at a time when the aquifers were so depleted that people in rural homes had to have water tankers deliver to their homes or vacate because their wells had run dry, the drought was that bad. I always wondered about the values and leanings of the green acres folks.
I saw the same thing. I lived in Pacific Palisades for about a year which solved the mystery of why all the foliage and lawns were so green and lush compared to the rest of LA which always looked somewhat singed and dusty. I learned Pac Pal residents all had elaborate sprinkler systems and ran them all night even during restrictions because local authorities kowtowed. That’s also probably why the Palisades notoriously got more fire and rescue response than other areas in the most recent disaster.
Fooledme, I’m glad you’re thriving, but I’m confused. I’m not aware of any educational program or career for a “Physical Assistant,” at least in the US. Did you mean Physician Assistant or Physical Therapist Assistant? Or are you in a non-US country?
FMT here. Yes, I’m in a Physician Assistant/Associate program. And I’m proud to share that I achieved a 3.5 GPA this past semester, so I’m on my way!
The letter states she sought training as a PA/ physician assistant. Maybe a typo was corrected in the time between your reading of the post and mine?
Yes, typo corrected.
Glad it was a typo. FoolMe, I’m so glad you’re putting your energy towards such a valuable and needed profession. Physician Assistant programs are very competitive, and you got in, which is worth celebrating even before you finish.
I too was fooled by my ex, who professed to be an upstanding, moral monogamous man. It stings to be conned.
And his cons went far beyond me. He lied extensively to others to get jobs and accolades he hadn’t earned. For those who don’t know, he fabricated an MD, military service, MBAs from both Harvard and Dartmouth, a degree in rocket science, and numerous national awards. None of them were true, but he convinced a lot of peers, colleagues, organizations, employers and random people he met on the street. Cheaters cheat, and lying liars lie.
Despite professing his international financial acumen, and weekly watching the show “Catfish,” he got conned by a catfishing romance scammer, sending hundreds and thousands of dollars daily. Unfortunately, it was my personal and joint marital money that he sent “her” before I found out, and in mediation I was unable to get it back. I had to save my remaining financial resources for what I expected to be an equally contentious custody battle, which was separate from the divorce. I prevailed there, and got sole custody and decision making.
FooledMeThrice, one “benefit” of your experience is that you may be more attuned to patients’ and their families’ lies, misdirections and omissions, which will enable you to provide better care. I wish you every success in your field.
Congrats. I did the same thing, got my degree about 5 years (finally) after my D. It is a good feeling.
What is a physical assistant? I googled, but could only find Physician Assistant.
I found it. So cool. PT’s have helped me get back on my feet a couple times. Great folks.
FMT here. I’m in a Physician Assistant/Associate program. I’m hoping to work in a surgical subspecialty when I’m done, possibly Urology, or maybe Emergency Medicine. I’m not quite sure yet, but I’m keeping an open mind!
That’s so awesome! Congrats! I know it can be hard juggling school and everything but it is so worth it, hang in there.
I turned 40 19 days after the divorce was finalized which was only like 8 weeks after d day. Worst birthday of my life. But I took a terrible job that would pay for school and got myself an accounting and finance degree. I’m not going to lie, it was a rough four years at times. But now I’m 44 and I’m a corporate accountant who works from home four days a week and I’m looking to buy a house. While my ex is in prison in Texas…
LOL I remember my own sister saying “you can tell who was the problem in a marriage because they fall apart during the divorce while the other person thrives.” Super cruel thing to say to me when I was falling apart, god forbid I had cared about my family! But obviously I was the problem, look how well he’s done without me, he lost his good job, got a ten year federal prison sentence, permanent status as a sex offender, and our son disowned him. While I’m over here working in my pajamas most days and going to hang out in the corporate offices one day a week and use the fancy coffee machine and eat my free lunch. LOL
FMT here. One of the hardest things for me over the last two years is feeling like a reverse “Walkaway Wife” – he walked out on me without so much as a backward glance, and I’ve spent a long time reflecting on what I did wrong and where I failed to listen when he was trying to communicate. That’s an incredibly cruel thing to say to someone who has been betrayed. My own sister said to me, “I HATE him for what he’s done to you,” and her now-husband helped me find a lawyer. That’s the type of support you should have been getting from your family.
My XH seems to be doing well for the time being with the OW. Mazel tov to them. Meanwhile, my 5-year plan is to get “Hotter, Smarter, Fitter, Richer” than the both of them. I’ve got “Smarter” firmly under my belt; now it’s time to get back to the gym and get “Fitter” underway!
Your sister is so off base. I was only marginally upright during my divorce for quite a while, but started seeing the light at the end, and pretty much hit my head when the judge signed off. My ex started strong and then went into a very dark place mentally that went several years into closeout. Then he reportedly met his “match” and has left me alone since.
I mean, divorce REALLY sucks, in general, but some of us do better than others.
Yeah, I fell apart. I will not get to meh until I totally forgive myself for that. And forgive myself for being with him- I am so ashamed. Shame kills, so I’m in therapy and so on- guided meditations, sound baths, taking care of myself. I am no contact – we have 2 sons, but I also had a “we don’t talk about him ever” for ten years.( we were in contact via my lawyer through the divorce that finalized 8 years ago, and who still deals with his occasional financial abuse/stop paying what he owes me times) The best thing I did was no contact. I only found this place recently, and by the time I found this, I was doing better. It did take a while, but my freedom is so great. I lost all 3 of my houses, but moved into a nice 2 bedroom and have good savings. I published my 5th book and it’s getting the most attention I’ve ever gotten, and it’s very slyly about him and writing it was super painful and super helpful. I finally realized that he just abused me the entire time, not at the beginning and not sometimes and then super badly at the end- which he did- but that that means he just abused me. That I was in a classic DV marriage. I am hanging out here a lot right now because I’m visiting my son, one of the 2 who is more under his thumb, which crushes me, but I am trying very hard and succeeding in not screaming “I figured it all out! you dad abused me non stop!” HAHA. The “if it feels good don’t do it”. Honestly, reading here about how people stay calm when they can’t intervene and can’t save thier children from an ex’s ways is so important to me. I will say this, the endless planning he did at the end, and setting me up as the bad guy and his deep network of image management, may never be dismantled. And I may never know. I sort of think when I am at meh, I might look into what he’s up to. But it still is not a good idea for me. What I do know is that I am healthier, saner, and working hard. I have a community that cares about me, loves me even, in real life, and I come here for solace when I need to feel less alone with my abandonment/abuse.
Yes, keep up the fight, for sure. It’s just so very much to work through. I’m impressed with how resilient you are, even though it may not feel like that at times.
My ex has been gone for nearly eight years now, and we haven’t heard from him in a few years. My adult kids, of course, have their own lives at this point, but we truly like each other, and I treasure the times when our schedules match. One of my kids is dating a third-year law student who is considering family law. How ironic!
But periodically, something will just flatten me emotionally. It just does. I recover far better than I once did, but it’s both a reminder of how far I’ve come and how far I need to go. I’ve learned to be easy on myself and watch who I interact with until I get to the other side of it. Thankfully, now I have friends who never knew my ex who both nourish me and appropriately challenge my thinking at times. I don’t know where I’d be without them!
The opposite is true. Anyone who isn’t grieving the loss of the marriage is the problem. It’s not normal to just turn your back on somebody and have no feelings about it. So your sister can f**k right off.
THAT awful flying monkey sister of yours was strangely correct in a way she didn’t foresee ROFLMAO!
Truth and time will out as they say. Congratulations!
What a great story!
Here’s my contribution…..
My ex was much older and extremely jealous of me. He liked having a younger wife but was extremely insecure and not dealing well with getting older.
When we met I was teaching and not making much money. I made a jump to insurance, which he made snide comments about, and finished my physics degree.
Got into actuarial and kept increasing my salary. He was happy to let me pay for everything but would constantly make snide remarks and talk down to me, all while playing dumb with a phony smile.
He’d always had poor boundaries with his ex but I found out by accident that he had an ex gf on the side our entire relationship. She was on marriage #5 while carrying on with him.
After lots of typical cheater stuff like stonewalling/gaslighting/outright lying he actually threatened me with divorce and demanded i change because HE was miserable. After dragging him to counseling where he participated as little as possible i decided he was right about divorce and he in fact brought very little to the table.
Of course he didn’t want a divorce, he just wanted to shut me up. At this point I was making twice what he made and he was so terrified that I’d blow up his image and tell everyone what a piece of shit he was he agreed to an amicable divorce.
I had increased my salary enough that I was able to qualify for my own mortgage before he took me off of his and bought my own house. Eventually got another job and am now making almost triple what he makes. I heard he cut off the cable he happily let me pay for since he could no longer afford it.
I’m sure he still talks to the same trashy ex, who is now on marriage #6 (not to him). He kept texting me for a while, somehow he thought I’d still “date” him. Whatever. He then left me alone for almost 5 years until I turned 50, then sent me a text saying that he knew I didn’t want to hear from him (then why are you texting me asshole?) but he knew I had a milestone birthday and didn’t want me to think he forgot (only a narc would think I gave a shit). I sent it to a couple of my gf’s and we laughed at what a loser he is.
Also, i changed my name back to my dad’s name and ordered a new copy of my physics degree with my dad’s last name. I burned the one with ex’s last name. Can’t tell you how satisfying that was….did it in a parking lot with my running partner who knows him and can’t stand him, lol.
FMT here. Thank you for sharing your experience. While it hurts that my XH never reached out to me once, I much prefer that to being constantly raked over the emotional coals, like your FW. Good on you for reclaiming your name, too! I never changed my name when I got married – I embraced it as a feminist act, but maybe I just knew I didn’t want to bother changing it back someday.
Your story makes me think there should be social research on whether men who seek steep age gap relationships are more likely to cheat and/or commit domestic violence. It seems like a no-brainer since, statistically speaking, many likely blew up previous marriages to people more similar in age before they began cruising the whippersnappers. But nailing down the data still seems important if just to kill the enduring myth that these men treat second and third wives any better than first wives or snuff the dangerous illusion that relative youth is some kind of magical shield against domestic abuse (Nicole Brown Simpson?)
In any case, I remember getting “ick” vibes about older guys who made moves when I was a young turnip. It was regardless of how relatively fit, handsome, rich, charming, blah blah. I couldn’t put my finger on it but got danger vibes.
In my personal opinion, I would at least expect the incidence of coercive control to be higher in typical age gap relationships. In the cases I know, these guys’ first marriages were usually much more economically equal than the latter ones. They often picked younger women from less privileged backgrounds (or poorer countries), and/or their new partner quickly ended up becoming a stay-at-home-wife/girlfriend. At least two of these newly minted stay-at-home-wives/girlfriends ended up in remote rural places far away from their old support networks (while their older partners kept commuting to their city jobs). In several other cases, the FW moved his young partner to another continent. Observations like this always made me think: “He clearly wants to be the boss in that relationship.”
From the statistics, I figure it’s six of one, half dozen of the other. Because most domestic abusers are more physically violent and more lethal when young, I imagine first wives end up with more black eyes and broken bones but perhaps were subjected to less effective psychological control (younger, less experienced and more impulsive abuser = less sophisticated psychological torture tactics?). Also batterers tend to operate on a “beat-by-need” basis, reserving the most violence for victims who resist. So I’m guessing that abusers would be more overtly violent to partners they perceived were somewhat equal in terms of economic strength, experience, etc.
And like Evan Stark suggested, domestic batterers may go through a kind of evolution as they age where some may wise up and opt for less athletic and less legally risky ways to terrorize, coerce and control partners. Using psychological torture might be particularly appealing to abusers who, over the years, have gathered material wealth they’re concerned about losing if they’re ever prosecuted and/or sued for committing assault.
To paraphrase Steven King, adults don’t stop pulling the wings off flies, they just develop better excuses and ways of doing it.
Even if there is less physical violence, this doesn’t necessarily mean the younger woman is getting more respect, I believe. In several of the age gap relationships I witnessed, the guy used to order his young wife around like domestic help, even in public (even if he otherwise acted like a polite, sophisticated person).
Also, there were these two eerily similar cases I mentioned, in both of which the young wife/girlfriend quickly found herself having quit her job and in a newly purchased home in some rural place about two hours away from her husband’s workplace, where she didn’t know anybody and many of the neighbors were probably much older than her. As her partner was away most of the day working and commuting, this probably left her with little to do other than perform household chores and waiting for him to return (no children to take care of, either). To me, this doesn’t sound like a guy who is supportive of his younger partner’s personal growth and individuality. Also, those ultra-long commutes might provide handy excuses for FW (“Sorry, had to work late. Am staying in a hotel tonight.”)
It’s a really fascinating question but hard to answer without hard statistics.
One common trait of domestic abusers of all ages is they universally prefer to isolate victims and foster dependency, including often sabotaging victims’ employment. They may not show this side of themselves right away but will eventually “lower the boom” when they perceive victims are at a disadvantage.
When I worked in advocacy and learned that domestic abusers almost always cheat, we assumed this had a lot to do with projection– that abusers didn’t want their victims having the same sexual opportunities outside the relationship that abusers themselves enjoyed. Because not all abusers are the cartoon jealous batterers seen on TV and many carefully conceal this motive, it may not be obvious even to victims themselves but it explains why many abusers campaign to undermine victims’ self esteem.
Whether abusers actually succeed in getting victims locked away and unemployed may depend on a lot of factors. I guess we’d have to wait for the longitudinal studies to determine patterns but probably shouldn’t hold our breath because… gender politics in science funding and publishing.
But if studies like that ever happen (along with the elusive study correlating cheating and domestic violence and murder), I suspect the general theme would be that men who eventually trade in same-age partners for far younger partners were always jerks and repressive and coercive one way or another to every partner all along, just with varying degrees of effectiveness.
Maybe there’s more of a tendency to “let” partners work when the douchebags in question are young and struggling or more of a tendency for older men who’ve amassed resources to discourage partners from working, especially if the victim partners are perceived of as having more opportunities to cheat (younger) and more motivation to cheat (because the abuser is aging and fear they’re not as attractive or potent as younger men). But the fact that younger abusers tend to be more acutely and violently possessive and the fact that hobosexuals come in every age bracket might make the difference statistically moot.
There’s also the personality of the partners to factor. Is there more of a tendency for women who’d agree to be with far older partners to seek or accept paternal dynamics and loss of independence in relationships either for psychological reasons (lack of security or experience making them more susceptible to veteran manipulators, lack of success finding same-age partners/shortage mentality or daddy issues?) or in exchange for material benefits?
I believe these guys often pick young women who are unhappy with their careers and/or their income, have a fantasy of “being taken care of” and probably believe they made a great catch at first. In many cases, however, they are probably too young and inexperienced to understand what it means to give up all their power to a man. The men, on the other hand, usually know what they are doing, thanks to their age and experience and because they were able to observe the dynamics between various couples during their earlier marriage(s). This is why I would also suspect that many of these guys have always been jerks. Once they are older, they prefer this type of relationship because it makes sense to them strategically.
I agree with this. I don’t know if violence is more likely but there’s definitely a power imbalance, and the irony is that my ex liked the perceived power imbalance but also didn’t want to support a sahw. One of the issues his ex before me had was that she really didn’t want to work but had to, and her sister married young to a guy (also young) who became a self made millionaire, so sis never worked.
Ex’s wife saw herself as “the pretty one” and thus entitled to not work. She was insanely jealous of her sister.
I obviously worked so my ex didn’t have that lever. Instead he needed to emotionally knock me down, which he did on the regular. He’d be an asshole all while pretending to have no idea what was wrong.
31 year old me put up with things 44 year old me didn’t. I suspect this kind of dynamic is common…..a guy who sniffs out someone much younger is often emotionally stunted and the younger person eventually outgrows them.
Super impressive!
congrats, FMT! keep going!
i’m almost 5 years out from D-day, and, although there were periods of stasis, i have moved forward by taking a film writing certificate through UCLA, and moving cities into my own home. i’ve parented the fuck out of my adult kids who live with me, and are starting again in a new city with further education and new jobs.
i’m a writer and i’ve written a lot of pages during this time. i hope to publish again soon, and am currently re-writing a TV pilot + mapping out the first season. it’s a lot of work but i enjoy it.
my biggest success? therapy. i’ve learned more about myself and why i chose the X. it’s been healing. i still have more work to do–i think it will be life long, and i accept it.
I could list a whole bunch of stuff because the first couple of years after the divorce, I really wanted to “show” Best Regards that my life was fabulous without him after he abandoned me for a colleague of mine, so I lost a bunch of weight, traveled to exotic locales, climbed mountains, did solo bike tours, etc. But then I realized a lot of those things were what *he* cared about and not necessarily what I cared about. And there was no way he was watching because we were no-contact and I’m not on social media. So post-Tuesday I feel like my biggest accomplishment was just being OK in my own skin and doing what was important to me and what I liked, when I liked, with the people I liked. That felt like an authentic win.
Outstanding!!! Congratulations and keep up the good work! Tuesday is coming!
I now get to enjoy life’s simple things without financial and emotional stress. Trivial, little things like a relaxing road trip to Tulsa last weekend to tour The Outsiders House & Museum and filming locations. Shout out to Danny Boy O’Connor.
Kudos to you! Life is WONDERFUL without a deadbeat anchor keeping you down.
OOh! There is an Outsiders House? I love SE Hinton!
It’s unbelievable! Restored to look exactly like it did in the movie. Coppola’s director chair was the highlight for me. She was excited to see Emelio Estevez’s Mickey Mouse shirt. Got to see the plaque in the alley where Rumble Fish was filmed.
I went from being a stay at home mom back into full time employment — serendipitously spotted a posting for a FT corporate job in my niche-ish field in library science (very hard to find these where I am currently living) while I was staying at my parents’ house during the Limbo Times. I applied, interviewed, and got the job all while I was in the thick of things. I’ve been here 8 years, supporting myself and my daughter, left rental life after 3 years and bought myself a townhouse, and otherwise am enjoying the stability that I knew I would bring to the table once I shed the FW. I’ve hit some roadblocks along the way (working through the emotional and mental damage, and figuring out that trying to marriage-level re-couple is not in the cards for me – I had to be hit with the educational 2 x 4 a couple times), but have found that when I empower, trust, and prioritize myself, the path is a hell of a lot clearer. Supporting these efforts with making it a point to incorporate fun and down time and help myself retroactively process all the bullshit with EMDR. All of this is helping me to be a more grounded person and parent. There is no better investment than in yourself, particularly following this kind of a hell. You are so much more powerful than you might think. No one takes care of you like you will. I think it becomes so much more clear with time and distance, when you see that maybe you had put yourself in the back seat for someone else who couldn’t have cared less.
Thumbs up to your entire post, but what stands out is “the Limbo Times”. It has a double meaning; not only are you in flux regarding where you will end up and when, but what also is true for many chumps is that the ex-FW constantly lowers the bar of decent behavior and good (or bad) faith in negotiations. I hope this phrase becomes part of the chump lexicon.
Yes my “limbo times” unfortunately had me re-abusing myself with bad men. Again, I need to work on moving away from the shame of that, keep working on forgiving myself, and see how great the last 4 years have been. I am 57 and not interested in dating, if some special person shows up in my full great life, I will notice. Statistically I am in the low chance group of finding a new partner, and that’s fine. Not perfect, but fine is way better than being messed with.
NHOC – Yes, keep working on your self. I had other ways of abusing myself which I confronted after D-Day. I consider D-Day and FW and Mrs. Bendover a gift from God, Fate, & the Universe, since it finally slapped me awake to what a disaster I had made of my own life. Although I did not indulge in men, I had my own destructive coping skill. After 2 or so years of therapy I can say that for me the biggest change in my life has been in my own mind, heart, and soul and not in my living arrangements. I say now “Nothing beats the selfs.” Self-respect, self-love, self-esteem, self-discipline, etc. My pre-D-Day effed up head was what allowed me to stay in an awful marriage for 35 years, as well as what caused me to marry the FW in the first place. If a man like that ever tried to eff with me again he would find a waaaayy different response than what I had in 1983. “Come at me. I dare you.” I have a similar attitude towards dating as you; it will happen if GFU allows it. On YouTube the Crappy Childhood Fairy says “If it’s meant to be there is nothing you can do to stop it, and if it’s not meant to be there is nothing you can do to make it happen.” And if it does happen for me I will be an infinitely better person than I was in 1983.
Be nice to yourself, yes. self respect, self love, self kindness. Self care. “decenter men” isa cool hashtag I love, since I as is typical thought I needed one. I get skin hunger and I do believe that sharing a life with someone is great and healthy, but there are other ways and I’ve seen it done and I’m doing it too. Regarding the ‘disaster you made of your life” I guess I did the same, but I try not so much to victim blame myself, as that’s a cycle that keeps spinning for me. Bad men everywhere treat women badly. Regardless of how they grew up, how much money they have, how smart they are. this may sound silly but I think about PJ Harvey, who I idolize as an artist, and remember how she wrote that angry sad break up album about- Vincent Gallo. Vincent Gallo is a pos, but clearly a world class manipulator. And there are many examples like her (and him). She is everything- loving family, great education, hard working, ethically following her dream as an artist- and she still got conned. It’s not on us. It is time to that shame changes sides, as Gisele Pelicot says.
Sorry NHOC – I mistakenly typed “HOAC” below
I take your point HOAC, and what I’m referring to is not so much self-blame as self…. realization as to WHY I made the choices I made than for what those choices were at the time. I did what I thought was best for my life at the time; but now looking back I can answer the question “Good Lord what was I thinking?” with the honest answer “You were thinking this about yourself which was not true, and that about your opportunities and choices which was also not true…” Acknowledging in the present time how low self-esteem and self-respect et al. factored into my decisions back then causes me to know that today I would never put up with any man who had the attitudes and behavior that FW had even before we were married. I can calmly say “Thank you next” or even “If those are my choices in men I’m much happier being alone”. A thing I did not say at age 22. Old age kicks ass.
Amen. I met mine at 17 but we were just “friends” for almost a decade – Also, he was never my friend. But yes, old age is great! I look back and think I thought being “strong” mattered and when he was “mean” I could “take it’.. and now I think, it’s not about being strong and handing things, it’s about being safe and knowing that I deserve utmost respect 24/7. Haha. Kick Ass best thing! We are free!
22! WTAF?!?
Congratulations to you! PA is a great stable career. Investment in yourself is great!
In contrast OW husband still being legally married to her and not commiserating with you as a Chump, is a sad example of pick me dancing or whatever mindf**k he’s stuck in.
Not sure about significant educational victories but I applaud those who did pursue that. I got enough out of my settlement that I bought a house and then sold it and purchased a really nice townhome in a gated over 55 community and paid it off! I finally bought a new SUV that I love.
Happily, I did well enough with everything that I was able to retire this year and then took a month long vacation to Europe. I went alone and it was absolutely liberating.
Now that I am retired, I am focusing on getting my new place to be everything I want as well as joining in a bunch of learning experiences in areas that I love like history, DIY and technology. Later this year, a friend and I will start a small business! It has been a very good life since leaving the cheater!
Oddly, FW is living in a dumpy apartment, drives and old car and has dyed his hair dark in an attempt to recapture his youth and impress “sugar babies”. He has enough money but lives a like a miser with his money spent on satisfying his dick. Oh well…..
Congrats FMT! Your progress is awesome! Is there a link to your original letter?
I was curious about that also.
Way to go, FMT! Thanks for the update, and all the best to you as you work towards your new career!
Since divorcing my cheater, I’ve taken up new hobbies like camping, plant care, joining a book club, and volunteering in my church. I have an active social life with good friends, and will go on my first ever “girls’ trip” this September. Best yet, I’m a first time homeowner and love my new “Home Sweet Home” – where my ex will never be welcome. It’s SO much better without him around.
FooledmeThrice: thank you for your testimonial on the impact of CL and CN. You are the ultimate smack down because getting an education gives you support like no cheater ever could along with building a majestic self-esteem. Something not one person who stays with a cheater ever will have. I met CL while laying in a fetal.position in my twin bed, having left my marriage bed in the next room, with cheater gloating over his take down of me. After 📚 reading all CL wrotein her book, I knew about no contact, filing, finding a lawyer, and making an escape plan. It took 12 dancing DAYS but I saw Tracy’s no nonsense blue print, listened to my tough love therapist and got out of slavery to a cheater. All of us who have left have had to rebuild a new life after the wrecking ball took down our walls. Me? I found an apartment, found new friends, found a new church family, made my health a priority, got closer to my kids and I keep going. I am not the same I am a better version. You will be too as you are so on your way. Exceptionally proud of you and please write again when you graduate!!! It will be a door opening into the light. Yes I love Tracy for holding my sanity in her hands until I was ready to take it back. And all you here who held Tracy’s blue print in your loving hands and said..GO THIS WAY, COME-MON!!!!!!
Congrats, FooledMeThrice! The world could use more PAs and especially those with compassion.
12 years divorced at this point. I finished a Clinical Pastoral Education residency while going through the troubles. Afterwards, I became a Board Certified Chaplain, married Mrs. DM, and started a new, wonderful life. That new life included starting my blog ministry (divorceminister.com) 11 years ago to help others with similar struggles and writing the book to accompany it.
These days I am enjoying life working as a Chaplain in the federal prison system and pursuing my goal of becoming one of fewer than 10 men worldwide to ever bench press 1,000lbs or more (drug tested). Last April, I set a national record for a lifting federation hitting 350kgs/771lbs in competition.
1000 lbs all at once? Or total in a series of lifts? Either way, that’s mindblowing, especially in addition to all the other amazing things you’ve done.
Wow! That’s outstanding! 💪
My $20 investment in a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. FW wouldn’t let me puzzle on our table (looked too messy). Now I have my own little apartment with a little table and I take great joy in putting the puzzle together, piece by piece, slowly, day after day, just like my new life. Thank you CL and CN for being the edge pieces in my new puzzle life. You have helped me frame it all up. It’s going to be beautiful.
Just wanted to congratulate you, FMT. What an amazing person you are. I do hope you stop checking the OW’s marital status. I don’t know about or give a single damn about the OW’s life now and I can tell you that it feels great. To get to meh you’re going to have to stop looking for info on the gruesome twosome.
FooledMeThrice
Congratulations! You are SO mighty! Keep slaying that dragon.
Just 1 week from today, it will be exactly 10 years since a judge signed my divorce decree and I was set free from FW, closing a 40-year chapter of my life. I was 60 years old and walked away with a tiny retirement account, a 30-year-old sole proprietorship that was killing my spirit and was barely breaking even (it didn’t help that FW kept raiding my business bank accounts), $20,000 in cash, and no alimony. Saying I was a bit concerned about my Golden Years would be an understatement. But instead of crumbling, I worked hard on myself for 2 years and in 2018, I hit the ground running.
* I completely restructured my small business; my net revenues have increased by 96%, and more important, I’m back to loving what I do.
* I took that pathetic little retirement account and grew it to a 7-figure portfolio.
* I bought a sweet 3Br-2Ba home for myself and paid it off in 9 years.
* I adopted a dog; he’s reopened my heart and brings me joy every day.
* I lost 60 lbs. of FW-induced stress.
* I’ve welcomed 4 grandchildren into my family; this is something I always pictured celebrating with FW, but I’ve learned how to deftly navigate around him.
What’s next for me? Now that I’m 70, I suppose some version of retirement is in my future, but until I’m more certain what I’ll be retiring to, I’ll keep working.
Wow, this is impressive, Red Sandals. Did you already know a lot about investing? I feel like a lot of women (a lot of people?) could use a crash course as they find themselves solo and having to rethink their entire financial future.
Magnolia, the answer to your question is, “Yes”, I did have investment experience but that didn’t shield me from the panic I felt when FW dumped me after 40 years of marriage. It actually took me a couple of years to recalibrate mentally and emotionally and get back into the market.
FooledMeThrice, you’re very mighty! I hope you consider staying in proximity to your family once you finish. You deserve to be close to people who love you!
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FMT here under a different, non-FW-centered name. I’m proud to say I finished my first semester with a 3.5 and I’m looking forward to doing even better next semester!