Meh Sightings

MEHHave you had a glimpse of the Promised Land? Are you Meh?

“Meh” — that liberating place of acceptance — is where you no longer are consumed with cheater drama. You don’t love them. You don’t hate them. You sort of pity anyone within a five-mile radius of them, but their existence doesn’t rock yours anymore. You’re Meh. Whatever.

Meh doesn’t mean you’re okay with injustice, or having your boundaries trampled. It means that you’ve internalized “Trust That They Suck.” They SUCK. Not your job to fix them. You’ve got a life to gain — who’s got time for their crap?

So tell me — have you had any glimmers of Meh? Can you see it on the horizon? Are you firmly living within its borders?

If you’re new here, I know Meh sounds like Brigadoon. Oh yeah right. There’s really a mythical place ahead where I ACCEPT what happened and I don’t give a shit about the Fuckwit? He can erect a billboard to his Happiness, post a thousand schmoochy pictures of himself and Twinkie on social media and I won’t vomit on anyone’s shoes?

Yes! Meh exists! Today your assignment is to share your Meh. Describe it. What’s it taste like? How free do you feel?

Maybe you old timers could pick up a few chumpy hitchhikers on the road to Meh. Tell them what’s ahead. Happy Friday!

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Cee Lynne
Cee Lynne
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I guess after he got caught in our 30 yr old marriage and seeing me have a breakdown on the floor, bleeding out, him taking the opportunity to go back on his promises to change, to show no empathy or empathy or remorse, to lie and rewrite history, calling me crazy and himself entitled and the continued abuse. ..I realized I no longer cared if he jumped off a cliff or tried to hump a hundred hookers at once or have sex with nen..I’m done with him.

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

FINALLY divorced from sicko ex. It was a big step. He’s got a new chump on the groom. Despite our long conversations about how it’s “too soon” to be introducing our kids (4 & 5) to other people, he took the opportunity in the “extended summer visit” (including the extra week I gave him, because I still have chump ways) to drag them into schmoopy-land (the poor narc couldn’t be expected to care for his offspring ALL BY HIMSELF!!!). Anyway, the youngest came back just smitten with Miss Next Victim. I had to listen to all of the stories about all of the fun they had on the water in my ex-boat and my ex-house. Meanwhile, I’m working 2 jobs with two kids, running around my townhouse trying to get everything together for “back to school”. And trying to suppress my urge to jump out of the window on “back to school night” while the classroom teacher hands out all of the instructions to all of the misty eyed couples hugging and looking at each other lovingly saying things like “how did our baby get so big?!?” I’m frantically answering text messages and juggling bullshit and saying things like “okay, that’s great. Thanks so much. Are we done? My babysitter has to go…” Ughhh… The injustice! The meh? The “meh” is coming home (to relieve the babysitter) and sitting down with my big-eyed girl’s and our big “too do” list. And also realizing that, staying with him MIGHT have equalled more financial security/bigger house/boat… But the “to do” list woulda been WAY longer… Nightly bj, pep talk about how all of his co-workers (the one’s he wasn’t sleeping with) are assholes, it’s okay that he blew a bunch of money that we didn’t have on vanity purchases, and last (but ALWAYS least!) suppress ANY self of steam or agency that I might still dane to muster.
I’ll take my OWN PERSONAL “too do list”, along with (as Chump Lady so aptly puts it) “the multi-tasking death march” over his bs add-on’s any day of the week! MEH!!!!!

21ChumpStreet
21ChumpStreet
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Yes on being relieved of the extra to-do list! BJs, pep talks (on work, parenting), smoothing over the emotions of upset children because of his shitty attitude. The walking on eggshells is done. Never again. It’s a huge relief to say that he was wrong. What he did, how he treated his family and friends. It was just wrong. Saying this after years of rationalizing to myself and those around us, excusing his behavior, trying to convince him that he really is a family man (when clearly he isn’t and doesn’t want to be) – that puts me further down the road to meh.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  21ChumpStreet

Yeah, me too. My ex was never angry or anything like that, but his ACTIONS throughout all the years proved he had no desire to be a husband or father. His actions proved that his job and his ho-workers were #1 in his life. I failed to notice. His words said, “I love you and the kids”, but his actions said otherwise. His loss. Now he can be with his job all he wants and fuck, flirt, text, email with all the ho-workers his heart desires. That’s his dream life and he’s finally living the dream. I just wish he would have informed me that that’s what he wanted for his life before we got married and brought two wonderful kids into this world. Two wonderful kids that he barely had time for.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

You are MIGHTY!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

+1

Finallyrhete
Finallyrhete
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Meh finally came when I realized last week that for 4 years I’ve been thinking I couldn’t think too badly of him–he’s the father of my children. I blamed myself for not noticing how depressed he was — if I had noticed I could have gotten him help and he wouldn’t have cheated. Last week his father was in intensive care and he couldn’t get around to visiting him. His dad (a wonderful man) died. I can finally say: MY EX IS AN ASSHOLE. I don’t share that with my kids. I should have come to this conclusion four years ago after what he did to our family but I glossed over that. It took seeing him ignore his dying dad that woke me up. FINALLY.

Arnold
Arnold
7 years ago
Reply to  Finallyrhete

For me, the injustice still bothers me.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Me too. I will just keep going past this and hopefully one day i can say asswipe who? The complete and total disrespect and no honesty just completely blows my mind. But i survived, fuck him.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Tempest, I too know a little bit about injustice. And if I let it, that injustice would eat away at me. I finally decided that injustice is the way the world works sometimes, and that I am not so special that I get to be spared all the bad stuff. Yeah, a lot of things in my life haven’t been fair, but there are parts of life that aren’t necessarily fair either. That’s just the way things work out sometimes.

It’s not what happens to me, but what I do with it that counts anyway. One of the lessons I have learned is that I have lessons to learn. Things like I count too, and stay away from cluster “B’s”. Things like I needed to learn to treat myself better and to refuse to be treated badly by anyone. Things like I really needed to get to know myself better. Things like it’s pretty hard for me to give thanks for the blessings in my life and feel sorry for myself at the same time. Does this mean I’m a saint? Nope. I have spent my share of time wallowing in self pity. I just got heartily sick of the misery, especially the self inflicted kind.

I had to adjust my attitude. Yeah, life sucks big-time occasionally. That’s a given. But the one constant in life is change. The suckitude doesn’t stick around forever. I just have to wait it out and keep on stepping. Eventually better times roll around.

I hope this helps. Heck, I hope it make sense. But that is how I’ve come to look at the whole”It’s not fair” scenario over time. Sending all of you hugs.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Arnold–that’s what’s killing me, too. The injustice during the marriage is what still eats at me, perhaps more now because I am not focused on the raw emotions and the cognitive aspects of the power differential can now be contemplated more fully.

Not only did I give up tenure and a high-paying job so that Hannibal could have a more prestigious (and more lucrative job), I also did 90+% of the parenting, and 75% of running the daily life of the house. Why? So he could become even more successful and stop being surly (and frankly, his parenting skills left a lot to be desired). He was granted the independence to sit in coffee shops for hours seducing young graduate and undergraduate students while I cancelled meetings to run the kids to the doctor, or the dogs to the vets. His delicate constitution required 9 hours of sleep, and I averaged 5.5/night for over a decade to get everything else accomplished. I routinely complained that my life was largely one of drudgery because I seemed to be constantly working. Thus, even without the infidelity the balance was heavily tipped in his favor.

Now add in his serial cheating & deception–I thought I was at least treading water in the power balance of the relationship, but he was holding my head under water until my lungs filled. I still marvel at the disorder that could allow someone to do that to their spouse.

How do we come to terms with the power differential and severe injustice? I don’t know how to stop struggling with that. Why am I still so incredulous almost two years out?

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The injustice was making life decisions believing we were on solid ground. All the time and energy we contributed seemed important given we thought it was a partnership.

The lengths they went to conceal the fact they were never bonded to us is the greatest injustice. It was calculated and deliberate. They played with our very essence as a human being AND DIDN’T CARE.

My mother repeatedly asked my father, “How could you do this to me,” as she cried about the injustice of his treatment, daily.

Unlike my mother I know the answer to that question. We suffered the injustice but we KNOW the answer and got out. This is how I deal with the injustices. I no longer have tolerate abuse.

nancy
nancy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Exactly. It has been about three years for me. I don’t know how we can come to the injustice. I have put a lot aside realizing the lies and the false self that he is. My life and career is beginning at age 50, feeling great, but knowing all he did and how he can maintain his image still hurts. People like that will get what they deserve is my consolation.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,

I’m right there with you sister. I didn’t give up anything with my job, if fact I thrived while he shifted from place to place, but I still left work to pick up the kids for doctor’s appointments, shifted my hours to evenings over the summer so that they would have me home with them, and in the first few years I worked nights and would stay up with my two year old through the day, slept during his nap time, then had dinner ready and slept a few more hours before work. It was hell and I think something only the young could do. I managed everything on less than 5 hours sleep while he needed a full nine. When I would mention it to him he said that his job was dangerous with all the machinery and he could get seriously hurt if he wasn’t mentally alert. I came home with a brace on my wrist one morning and he asked what happened. I told him this guy who was about 8″ taller than me and had me by 100 lbs took a swing at me. As I was taking him down to the ground, I landed wrong and sprained my wrist. He told me to be more careful. Jackass!

I don’t really think about the injustice of it all. I guess I more look back at all the things I did with my kids that he was too lazy and self-involved to experience the pleasure. He didn’t really involve himself until my oldest started playing baseball. I taught them both how to ride bikes, drive, swim, climb trees, build forts in the living room, and hundreds of other little things that still fill my heart with joy.

Yes, it was unfair and not equitable. But your beautiful daughter knows who her real parent is and she loves you. You know what you gained and he will never know what he lost.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Thanks, Annie: I don’t regret a single sacrifice or time spent with my children. How these cheaters could play marriage with such a stacked deck, against us, AND blameshift their affairs onto being our fault, still kind of floors me.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, one of my Youtubers (Dana) said something in one of her videos that struck me. She said “we” think others are the same as us. I’m not perfect at all, but I think I’m a good person. I wouldn’t intentionally deceive someone like this. I would never intentionally use someone. I would never cheat on my spouse. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that can easily do this. And they do it without shame. For whatever reason, we got duped. The only thing I can do now is to learn from this horrible experience, so that it hopefully never happens again.

I can relate to your experience. I didn’t give up a job like you did, but I happily became a stay-at-home mom. I loved being a wife and mom (most of the time.). My ex had/has an important and stressful job, so I just wanted to do as much as possible to make his home life easy. I wrongly thought if I did most of the work, he’d have more time for the kids and I. I now realize he didn’t give a shit about the kids and I. Me doing more work, just freed him up to work more from home (at one time working seven days a week) and now from a good source, I found out he spends a lot of his working time socializing with the ho-workers. I did 99.99% of the work at home. His one and only job was to vacuum the stairs and he usually did that once a month. He didn’t cut the grass as soon as our son was old to cut the grass. He did no landscaping — I took care of most of that. He never once cleaned the garage or basement. I did all that. I did all the mean planning and 99.99% of the grocery shopping. I took care of all the holidays, birthdays, cards being sent, etc. I did 95% of the parenting. And he had the gal to say to my face after D-Day, “You never took good care of me.” He sucks and I trust he sucks. I had my blinders on or my head in the sand — I wasn’t acknowledging what my gut was telling me for over 25 years. Where does justice come from? I believe from God. We got screwed over. We got used. How our ex’s treated us is on them. Maybe we’ll see some justice some day and maybe not. All we can do is be our best selves and make sure we never get used again, so help us God. 🙂

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, Tempest, celebrate that you are a good and decent person. It is impossible to understand going through life with no empathy, shame, or guilt unless you are one of them. How is it possible to lie and cheat on your spouse for 30 fucking years yet sleep like a baby every night? They aren’t just a little different … they are mentally deranged.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Yes, I believe they’re sociopaths. Dixie Chump, I’ll never understand how they can live with themselves, be so selfish and cruel then have the nerve to act so righteous as if they’ve done nothing wrong.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Thanks, Martha. Yes, we were duped, and I don’t really expect justice (for one, my X is a highly intelligent & slippery bugger; he’s been evading consequences for many decades).

But my understanding of cheater/narc psyche is like holding on to vapor–I think I have it, fully get their manipulations and way of thinking, but then it slips away….because I just can’t understand how someone can do that to anyone else, much less the parent of their children. To my logical mind, it just does not compute. I guess I should celebrate that I’m unable to think in a disordered way?

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, it doesn’t compute, because we don’t think like them — and that’s a good thing! I have driven myself crazy at times trying to make sense of what happened to me. It doesn’t make sense. It never will. That’s why “trust that they suck” is so nice. Last year my sister told me to say to myself, “That’s Assbrain (I don’t want to mention his real name.)” So, whenever he does something to irk me, I say, “That’s Assbrain.” Whatever he does is in his character and I’m no longer surprised by it.

Brit, I have no way of responding to what you wrote, but I could have written almost word for word what you wrote. It is devastating to realize you lived a life that was a lie, but you didn’t know it at the time. I have no idea either who I married. Well, I do now. He’s actually the mean person when the mask falls. That’s who he truly is. The “nice guy” is all an act.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I sacrificed my career for my husbands moved to another state with a baby so he could advance in his. X would repeatedly tell me I had the best job in the world being his wife and our sons mother, that my sacrifice would pay off as we were working towards “our career.” He didn’t have much of an income at that time so we lived in sparse conditions but again the sacrifices made then he told me would pay off eventually.
“Our” career needed him to build flying hours so as he flew around the world while I stayed home living in the middle of nowhere with a baby. X could have made the commute once a month but he wanted his family close to where he was based. Looking back in reality he didn’t want the inconvenience of traveling.
If I had continued with my own career I would have a security, be retired with benefits. I’m envious of the people I worked with who are now retired and living comfortably, traveling and living a leisurely life.
Just another shit sandwich for me to swallow.
I find it disturbing how a human being could treat anyone so poorly after they sacrificed so much for you. I too have a difficult time understanding how a human being could be so unappreciative and be cruel to the mother of their children.
His career left me at home to take care of everything alone. When X was home he did very little. I cleaned, did laundry, shopped for groceries, cooked, did all the housework, I took care of the bills, home repairs, scheduled car maintenance, Dr. appointments, took care of son, school activities, volunteered, took care of birthdays, cards gifts, planned vacations, holidays and did all the decorating and celebrating and planning for those occasions. I loved being a wife and mother and keeping a nice home and taking care of my family.
As X’s career advanced he flew less but never made the effort to help other than empty the dishwasher. I’ve struggled with trying to understand how anyone can be so cruel. I trusted that he would be my life partner and always have my best interest in mind. I never questioned his motives because I believed in him and what he told me. I believed he loved me and had feelings and a conscious, that he cherished our memories like I did. Finding out he doesn’t is finding out I lived with an imposter for 25 years and I was taken advantage of and quite frankly scammed he was a fraud.
Realizing the truth that I was living a life that wasn’t real or my life wasn’t what I thought it was is devastating. I didn’t marry my best friend, I don’t know who I was married to.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit–you were married to a monster in a human body. The combination of what he did to you + alienating your son from you is evil. I hope there is a hell so that some of these cheaters feel the heat. slowly.

Finallyrhete
Finallyrhete
7 years ago
Reply to  Finallyrhete

Which is really: “Trust that they suck” isn’t it?

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
7 years ago
Reply to  Finallyrhete

Yep, it is…..Glad you found your way to join us, Finallyrhete.

The “trust that they suck” pursues us until it “Finally” overtakes us.

(My condolences on the loss of your children’s Grandfather….Death truly is an enemy)

ken_doll
ken_doll
7 years ago

I think you’re on the way when you know you’ll get there but you accept it can’t be rushed.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  ken_doll

Profound. And insightful.

Caroline
Caroline
7 years ago

I’ve had a few meh moments; they occur when I am able to be focused on me not him, the path to this is making myself go out and engage in things I like even if I don’t feel like doing them that day coz I am stuck in thinking thinking thinking about that parasite… When I go out and do something I enjoy like a bike ride or a swim etc, it starts the feel good vibe of go me, look at me living my life, screw you I’m feeling happy…. I won’t lie, I can still fall spectacularly as I’ve done this weekend over something as simple as realising him and the new lady are still together in the love bomb stage in spite of me honestly informing her of his lies, but in between I have kept a happy jar to remind myself on the bad days that good days and even weeks now do happen and they will come again. X

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Caroline

Caroline

They go for NEEDY. I swear the whore he picked up celebrated every night fucking strange she picked up in a bar. She was planning on one night but she had a beach pass and she listened to him whine for hours. She was horrified he paid the bills and said SHE would split them with him. Sounds good. He lives in a DUMP with a whore.

You can’t reason with fucked up cheater logic. Don’t even try. Hold your head high and take care of yourself.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Caroline

Communicating with the AP is some painful stuff, Caroline. Take care of your feelings after that kind of exposure. She’s been programmed by him to believe that you’re a crazy liar. Anything you say to her will be wasted breath. Believe me, I know. I tried to inform the STBXW’s AP just what a cheating whore she is. They don’t care. In fact, it just makes the sex that much more deviant and hot. And, I’m sorry to say, but they will probably stay together long past the time you care. They have a vested interest in making it work. Stay strong, C. Meh awaits, you just have to live through this.

Gone Girl
Gone Girl
7 years ago

I am not to “Meh” yet because he is continuing his reign of terror through the kids. He has now convinced my teenage boys that they are better off living with him. He is a special kind of sick. My kids have drank so much KoolAid they don’t believe the truth.

Truthfully, I am not sure I will ever get to “Meh” until he dies. It has been seven years.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Gone Girl

GG live to your deepest integrity, try your hardest not to say a thing about him to the kids, and they will get to see for themselves.

I was told this by a ‘neutral’ counsellor, and I promise you it is true. It came to pass without me doing a goddam thing or knowing anything about it!

They are disordered. They WILL eventually f* over the kids. Why? Because they are disordered and don’t behave like normal people do, with love and consideration. And then the kids will see. No it won’t change anything, but they will know who they can love trust and talk to.

If I had any $$$$ to my name, I would offer this as a 100% guarantee.

ChumpLawyer
ChumpLawyer
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

My problem with the “just hang on and the kids will see it in the future” situation is that I’m scared my son will turn into him. He’s already using a lot of the same language to me and was abusive and angry for the past 6 months.

Wiseoldowl
Wiseoldowl
7 years ago
Reply to  Gone Girl

Gone Girl and others who have children under their cheater’s spell:

I too wanted to live with my narc dad as a teenager. My mom was/is a szitophrenic so the choice was easy at 12. My narc dad WAS the sane parent.

It took a few years for me to sort things out. I watched my dad’s mask slip many times. It took a long time for me to realize what an awful man my dad was and still is.

Teenagers are focusing on themselves and navigating their own lives. I made tons of bad choices but a made a few good friends, grew up, gave my dad 100 chances and he failed every time.

I am not close to my parents but I am closer to my mother because she has an illness she can’t control. She hurt me many times in my life but I pity the life she has to live in her mind. My dad, is just an asshole.

The only bad thing that actually came out of living with my dad, was marrying another emotionally unavailable man. I think if I would have waited a few more years to marry, I may have figured this out too and been able to right the ship.

We all know that life NEVER turns out the way we think it will and usually the polar opposite.

Don’t be Suprised when your kids come back to you years down the road. Leave the door open. My guess is you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

nutmegpixy
nutmegpixy
7 years ago
Reply to  Gone Girl

GG it sucks having kids with those azzholes. My X controls and manipulates my kids like hes’s trading on Wall Street! My youngest is 13. God knows im praying for the day when i can finally go no contact…

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago
Reply to  nutmegpixy

Thanks for the kind words.

I pray for the day my ex or his family goes into a narcissist fueled rage and my boys see the light. Sigh.

kb
kb
7 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

I have to think that they can’t keep a lid on the crazy forever, especially around teenagers. Teens have minds of their own, and the day the narc flies into a rage is the day the teen realizes that they’ve a nutjob as a parent.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  kb

It’s really bad when these nutjobs make a teenager look reasonable.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Gone Girl

GG, I feel your pain.

What I have found is continue to be the sane and loving parent to your teen boys. Spend time with them and be grateful for those moments as I’m sure you already do. They are teenagers, they will eventually just say, “Dad I don’t like your f–king Kool-Aid anymore.” – Trust me on this!

I am almost 4 years divorced and I have had lots of Meh moments even though she has also been recently on a reign of terror through the kids. It’s debilitating and its OK to be angry.

What I have found is since I have experienced Meh – even though it is transitory – it’s much easier to bounce back to Meh even when these disordered-beings are continuing their destructive behaviors. The trick is DO.NOT.FEED.THE.BEAST. The result is you will go from angry right back to indifference within only a couple days. Huggs for you.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Gone Girl

Same here, GG.

I only hope I outlive him so I can get some peace from the continuous mindfuck he inflicts on our sons.

G
G
7 years ago

Same here.

ChumpLawyer
ChumpLawyer
7 years ago
Reply to  G

This

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago

I can see the Meh in the horizon. But living with him still, makes it hard to be Meh right now. Especially when I accidentally cockblocked him the other day. I took too much pleasure in that for it to be Meh. But the fact that I get out, and have fun with other people and I’m glad I don’t want to talk about him while I’m with those people, makes me happy and certain that Meh isn’t far off.

Though, last night, he reaffirmed how gross he is, and how glad I am to be rid of him. He was in the bathroom taking a dump, and on the phone to his girlfriend. SERIOUSLY?!?! EW! He even wiped and talked to her. And then washed his hands, still talking to her. Ugh… It just… She can have him. No questions asked. I wish she’d take him right now. Please. I don’t need to be grossed out like that again. And no, I didn’t eavesdrop on them, the bathroom is right next to my bedroom. I had no choice. I chose however, to not listen to the conversation. None of my beeswax anymore.

kb
kb
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

You’re where I was, CrazyDogLady. I knew I had a cheater for 1.5 years before I filed. We slept together in the same bed, but no sex. I never let on I knew he was having an affair, and I have no idea why he thought that we were “normal,” considering the no sex–but he was so focused on Schmoopie that I don’t think he noticed. 😉 This was such a dysfunctional time!

Then I filed, but he dragged his heels through the entire process. I stuck it out in the marital home, which was tough (though I moved into the guest room). I was divorced 15 months after I’d filed, but it then took another 3.5 months for the settlement to go through.

You will definitely catch glimpses of Meh while you’re still under the same roof. These come from trusting that he sucks, knowing that he’s not your project to fix, and that you have enough going on in your life that you don’t need a soul-sucking parasite in your vicinity to keep you company.

You will be astounded by the sheer peacefulness of cheater-free life!

By the way, my CheaterX also used the bathroom to communicate with Schmoopie, but he did so via text. Until I realized he was also sexting her, I had no idea how he could spend so much time in the bathroom! Then I figured out what he was doing, which I thought was so juvenile and gross (really? Are we 5 years old that we feel that the sight of genitals are so naughty?), Then I laughed because I realized that they really are emotionally stunted.

Good luck, and it does get better.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

When is he leaving?

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

No idea, DoingMe. The attorney thinks that if everything goes smoothly, 3 more months, unless he decides to move out sooner. It’s not as bad as it used to be, thankfully. I let the kids, dogs, work and friends fill my time.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Yes, but he washed his hands. How very fastidious of the shithead.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Bwah hah!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

And she heard him flush! Now that’s sexy!

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I know right. I am so glad he’s not mine. I can do way better…

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

CrazyDogLady, I did the living together thing as well, and it SUCKS. Hang in there and keep making plans to escape — whether you leave or he leaves. Even baby steps in that direction are huge victories and will move you closer to the goal.

By the way, what is a cockblock, and how do you do it accidentally? 🙂

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

He had been away on a business trip for several days and hadn’t seen his twu wuv in all those days. When he came home earlier than expected, I just got out of the house, leaving him with the kids.

When I got home, past midnight, he was still up. He gave me an evil stare. The next morning I realized he had planned to put the kids to bed and go spend the rest of the evening with his twu wuv. And I prevented that from happening.

Cock block is basically preventing sex from happening.

MehMehMeh
MehMehMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

“Cock block is basically preventing sex from happening.”

I laughed so hard reading that I snorted the water I was drinking!

I’ve been divorced for so long. But everyone is right–if you had kids with these weasels, they will always be somewhere in the periphery. Funny thing is, if he happens to be some family function–last time was in May–I don’t even TRY to ignore his ass. It just happens naturally. He BORES the hell out of me with his prattle–it’s always about him. Never asks anyone “how are you, haven’t seen you in a while” or “can I get you a drink or an appetizer”. Always from the moment he encounters ANYONE he’s got to tell them about some crappy thing he’s had happen or some new toy he bought. BORING. My adult kids have told me several times he does this too when they go to visit him. His original AP is out of the picture, but kids have told me before he goes chasing skirt younger than they are (my older kids are in their 30s and my ex is 60). So yeah… what a piece of work.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  MehMehMeh

You are describing my X, hahaha! Always, always about him. I didn’t even notice it when we were together, or it slowly evolved, but he has no normal manners. It’s not interesting to him to ask people about themselves, he just launches right in to his drama, purchases, or his latest yucky joke he’s telling.
Yep to the skirt-chasing, they are soooo delusional.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

I never realized Meh,meh,meh and FreeWoman until you both mentioned it or maybe I did and had forgotten but I don’t ever remember X asking anyone how they were, what they’ve been up to, make plans with friends, offer anyone a drink, or offer help. As a matter of fact when anyone in the neighborhood needed help moving a piece of furniture he would make an excuse as to why he couldn’t or disappear. X never did anything without being asked.
Conversations centered around him he enjoyed immensely, when someone would ask what he did for a living you could hear the excitement in his voice almost answering their questions before they finished asking them. The conversation for the evening would be all about him and his career, blah, blah, blah. The other people in the room would have careers just as interesting but X would take over.
No matter what the conversation would be if X was in the room X would turn the conversation into a story about himself. He’s a legend in his own mind
I’ve never know anyone who enjoyed bragging and talking about himself to that extent and he could go on for hours telling you how wonderful he is..

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

CrazyDogLady,
I was in that situation for 9 months. It gets SOOOOO much better as soon as he goes. I hope you are able to celebrate that day soon!!!

Forest for the Trees
Forest for the Trees
7 years ago

9 months of living in our home after D-day2 with my lying, cheating wife too before I moved out. A necessary hell. Im bitter about her entitlement to our house (and everything else) while I do the work of moving out and readjusting our kids to a new life in town and spend a smaĺl fortune on rent. Regardless, I am happy that with the help of CN and my counselor i now see her for the selfish, superficial sociopath she truely is, and my freedom from her. Life is better.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

My cheating liar wouldn’t leave either. I lived in hell with him for 8 months before I got the energy and moved myself and the kids out into an apartment. He just wanted to do everything in his own time and he had his “rights.” This all coming from a so-called good “Christian” man. What about my rights to live in a non-emotional abusive home? What about my rights not to be living with a person who was slowly driving me crazy with his presence? What about me? No! It was and always will be all about him and what he wanted. Screw the wife and kids. Who gives a crap what they are going through. As long as Mr. “Perfect and Special” rights are being honored, that’s all that matters in his small, little world.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago

I was stuck in the house with ex for four months after Dday. The stress and hell of it all was so bad, I have no doubt it took a few years off my life and aged me quite a bit.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago

Oh god I lasted 3 weeks with my ex whore then told her to just get the fuck out her mother lived close by…pure hell. Hang in there once they finally leave healing leaps forward

Sayonara dickhead
Sayonara dickhead
6 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

So good to hear my ex fuckwit is still living in the house crying all the time he even tried to rent the house across the street??? Fingers crossed he has a place ASAP and meh will be even closer for me

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

I just entered the fourth month… His mother also lives nearby, but he refuses to move out. And by law, I can’t make him.

Nomar
Nomar
7 years ago

30th wedding anniversary came and went without hardly being noticed, with no pangs of . . . anything, after 25 years together. Seemed like a bit if trivia about someone else’s life or some novel or tv series. On par with remembering that Kramer’s first name on *Seinfeld* was Cosmo. “Huh. Yeah, I guess so.” A small piece of information that momentarily crawled out from a dark corner of memory and then receded. The new life has emotionally crowded out the old, I suppose.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Nomar

Add me to the recent 30th anniversary club (3 days ago). Shed nary a tear… Busy living.

Verity297
Verity297
7 years ago
Reply to  Nomar

Nicely explained Nomar, it’s pretty much how I feel.
I can barely remember being married to my ex, my life is just so different now.
I spent my 30th wedding anniversary on the beach in Corfu. Went with a friend and we watched an amazing sunset while swimming in the sea. Best anniversary ever.

champchump
champchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Verity297

Hey, my 30th anniversary was the day before yesterday! I had just helped my daughter move in at grad school and flown home missing her intensely, so I thought I’d be extra sad and depressed on the anniversary. Ex is hateful to me and still with his affair partner and of course I envision everything all rosy and perfect between them. I am not divorced yet, so still have that lovely process to look forward to.

But as it turned out I was fine! I wasn’t on the beach in Corfu or anything that fabulous, but I was OK! And for me OK is actually pretty fabulous!

What can I say, we rock! Bring on the meh!

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago

I see glimpses of meh. I don’t cry over him anymore.. I cry for the financial loss and the pain caused to my children. I think meh will come when the financial settlement is reached and I get my new home and when I see my business recovered from his financial rape of it…

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

I’m gonna follow AllOutOfKibble’s lead and give myself a catchphrase.

“There is no pre-divorce meh.”

LotusDancer
LotusDancer
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Oh thank you. I sometimes see a glimpse of it, but we’re just starting the divorce process and it’s hard to try to do that and be meh.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  LotusDancer

I don’t think you can because there is too much focus on getting things settled. It’s like trying to rebuild your earthquake damaged home during the aftershocks. It’s impossible and all you can do is save as much as possible by removing valuable from the house for safekeeping. I think during the divorce process you need to fight for what you want and go grey rock as much as possible. After the fallout is over you start rebuilding without this person and go no contact as much as possible. Rebuilding you and your life leads to meh.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Excellent analogy! I can see it’s focusing on you and your new life that sets you on the path to not caring about them anymore.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Yes it is excellent! Now i no longer care if asswipe lies, breathes or dies. For the first ever in my 60 plus years on this planet im making it all about me and what i want. Not yet at meh but getting closer!!!!!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Sorry meant lives not lies. Im having a day! Whew!!

Stayin Strong
Stayin Strong
7 years ago

A few months ago he came by the house to see our kids (he lives out of state). I remember just looking at him and thinking, “God, I feel nothing for this man”. No love, no hate, no anything. A lifetime with this person and now he really is “just somebody that I used to know”. Then I thought of ChumpNation and ChumpLady and figured out that this must be a meh moment. It felt really good.

m.twain
m.twain
7 years ago
Reply to  Stayin Strong

Thats exactly how I felt yesterday when he was here. Except probably to add, I was slightly BORED. There he was trying to fill me in on all the latest details of his ‘fascinating’ life and all I could think was – just GO already… GO! You are so boring.

ChocLemonGelato
ChocLemonGelato
7 years ago
Reply to  Stayin Strong

Reminds me of a song I love, by Australian singer songwriter Gotye
https://youtu.be/8UVNT4wvIGY (hope the link works)

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Stayin Strong

Bravo!!???

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

I have meh moments more and more frequently. If someone asks me what/who he is doing, I can honestly say “I don’t know or care.” The last time I had to tell a casual acquaintance about the divorce, I could say with honesty “It is a good thing.” And I felt no need to elaborate.
My un-meh moments are fewer and farther between. Perfecting my gray rock technique has helped.
Since we have not done mediation yet, and I expect that he will be awful, I am anticipating and allowing myself some very un-meh time in the future.
Being in meh is one of the things I didn’t ever think possible at D Day1, 3.5 years ago. But, I can do meh. I have recently learned that I can also change the air filters in my car, switch out light fixtures and do all sorts of very cool things. Meh is just one item on the list!!

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago

Oh! How do you change the air filter in your car cabin?! I need to change mine!

I’ve also found that I can mow the lawn, lay tile, paint, take out the garbage, do all these “male” things, and I’m just fine. And I can do them, while taking care of 2 kids, 2 dogs, working and taking care of the house.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Chumplady needs a youtube video on How to Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life … for those of us who are visual learners!! Someone once posted one of those “talking bears” ones … that would work!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1kT4u_D5PA

Someone posted this awhile ago. It should get you started, even though it doesn’t fit your exact situation, I like her attitude.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

LOVE IT!!! Typical cheater running around worrying about his precious sports equipment. I kept our pets and won’t let him in the door to visit them. I bookmarked the song and will include it in the email I will send to my friends to let them know the divorce is finally done. Wish I looked like her!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie – no you don’t wish you looked like her.
You got the spunk she has, that’s all that matters.
And, go to a Karaoke to sing along with her.
I think it’s a great way to announce your divorce! Yes!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Oh, man. She sold his dog. Nice!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I know. I felt a little pain about her selling the dog, then I thought that it has to go to someone better than him. Anyone has to be better than a cheater.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

My dog ALWAYS growled at him when he walked in the room even if had just walked into the kitchen to grab a quick something. For six years, he growled at him. No more growling now!! I think my irish setter is smarter than me!!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Thanks all y’all for the dog stories. I never tire of talking pups!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

You gotta love Irish Setters.

I have a (for lack of a better word) a difficult dog. He doesn’t like everybody and hasn’t since he was a pup.
He’s a great protector, I’ll say that but he had an interesting sense about people.

Since we travelled extensively with the cheatress and her current husband showing dogs, they were always over in our m/h having cocktails and my boy didn’t like her at all. It embarrassed me but every time she’d pet him in her drunk way, hanging on him too hard, he had his hackles up and I could tell he didn’t like her. He never once warmed up to either of them and they tried hard.

I look back on that and it gives me great confidence that dogs know a hell of a lot more than we give them credit for.
I also could talk dogs all day! lol

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

My two dogs are doing wonderfully. They’ve stopped all their bad habits now that there is no stress and they’re not getting yelled on. It’s amazing what a little love can do.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago

Exactly about the dogs being much happier!
There is NO stress at all.
I’ve never even had one fight with myself.
I didn’t realize how much damage we were doing to our dogs when we were going through ‘the troubles’.
I would get so angry being gaslighted and I slammed a lot of doors. That was bad of me because I knew it was affecting the dogs.
Then he lost complete interest in them about 2 yrs into his affair, and I did all the dog-walking, training, showing, etc.
In the end, he had no trouble abandoning them completely – and his older 2 dogs had a hard time with it.
I’m not sure if it’s related, but they died shortly after. One of old age (the one who stood by the door for 2 wks waiting for him) and the other at just 6 yrs.
I have no doubt the stress was very hard on them as well. I’m really sad about that.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

A serious question there. After a disconnect from a cheater, I’ll bet dogs are happier too! ??

Kar mar
Kar mar
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

The canines are always most happy with those who love them most. Ive kept all three dogs he left his twice along with me. Now asswipes dog is firmly attached to me!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

You tube video!!
I also fixed my air conditioner, because a you tube video told me that my make and model had a bad batch of components.

All that stuff ^^^ you can do makes you a goddess!

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Never mind! YouTube to the rescue! 😀

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsVw8S7QT_A

brit
brit
7 years ago

Walked passed him as I was leaving the bank, he was being “Mr. Nice Guy” holding the door open for strangers. He was too trying to impress people with his Mr. Nice Guy mage to notice me.
I had no feelings other than what a huge ass he is.
I chuckled to myself at his new “look” wearing wire rimmed glasses, dressed in tight shorts and shirt, hair cut short and combed perfectly. His look at me “I’m perfect and a great guy” look on his face.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Yeah, I saw my ex at church doing the “nice guy” thing. What a big fucking act! He NEVER EVER volunteered his time to do the stuff he’s doing now. It’s all an act, so all the people at church can say, “Oh, he’s such a nice guy!!” No, he’s an asshole. He’s a pathological liar. A cheater. One person at home and another person at church. One person in public and a different person at home. He views pornography and jacks off into tissue while viewing pornography. He masturbated before church while I got up early and got the kids and myself ready for church. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He sucks and I trust that he sucks. And I’m not the only person in the world that knows he sucks anymore. So, I know it’s not just me..

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

X had nothing to do with our neighbors (weren’t as educated as X) a few months before X’s grand exit on Mother’s day, X charmed the neighbors into thinking they’re BFF’s. We lived in this neighborhood for 20 years and he rarely waved or nodded acknowledgement. I’d find X out from chatting with the neighbors. I thought it was nice that X was finally socializing. X was only using them as his support system. X eventually had them convinced them he was a victim. X has a prestigious job which makes X more valuable to name drop. Switzerland friends can have him.
One personality at home, the porn addict, angry, critical, the Mr. Nice Guy to outsiders, funny, a charming gentlemen, the professional, the great Dad or the angry Dad depending on his emotional state of mind or who he would like to impress at the moment.
Other’s know X is a phony and if they don’t eventually the’ll find out.

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit my ex also attempted a physical makeover, new hair, lost weight etc… Except he actually looks terrible now (this assessment is from others, not from me as I refuse to see him). The good guy facade just doesn’t hold up in the end, their true self comes to the surface, new clothes, new glasses, new cars be damned! And THAT helps me feel a little more meh every day!!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Pondscumbgone

You, good looks aren’t worth a cent. A turd with sparkles and a pink bow is still a turd. 🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Autocorrect! That “You” should have been Y U P, as in “Yes”. Gr. 🙂

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Lol!!!! Perfect Amiisfree!!

MovingOn
MovingOn
7 years ago

Sometimes I feel like I’m there, but sometimes I feel like I took a brief detour away because we have kids, and I am forced to deal with his passive-aggressive BS when I email him about our kids. Recent example: as we have shared legal custody, we need to make medical decisions about our kids together. I recently emailed him about some testing I’d like to have done on one of our kids (not for anything life-threatening), and after emailing him a detailed account of our kid’s doctor’s appointment and the results and asking him what he thinks about the testing… nothing.

He plays this little game where, instead of getting back to me in a timely fashion (within a couple of days), he stays silent in his usual “you’re not the boss of me” manner. It’s rude and disrespectful, but I try to remember that his aim is to make our every interaction difficult, and that’s helping me to take his behavior less personally. I think someone on here posted yesterday about how the cheaters treat us poorly because then we get angry or go NC on them, and that makes them feel justified in cheating– “See how mean she is! She won’t talk to me anymore! That’s why I cheated!”

However, when I don’t have to interact with him and deal with his immature cries for attention, I’m pretty meh. I think the lesson here is that the more NC you can be, the more meh you will become.

Rockstarwife
Rockstarwife
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I, too, get passive-aggressive resistance from my STBX on kids’ medical issues as we have joint legal custody. If it weren’t from disordered, abusive STBX preventing the kids from receiving much-needed medical/psychotics like services for years and taking me to court every couple of months, I would probably be at 99% Meh. If I didn’t have to accept a very modest paying, 70-hour/week, constantly stressful job at a very rough inner-city school to support our kids, I would be closer to Meh. I think that I am at 95% Meh as my boyfriend thinks about my STBX (e.g., ‘why does he constantly give you (chump) a hard time?’) while that question doesn’t even cross my mind.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Rockstarwife

It’s hard but I bet that inner city school is damn glad to have you. After years of devaluation, you have landed someplace that knows how valuable you are and folks are grateful for your presence every day. So easy and treated like shit versus hard but respected and loved and appreciated … I’d say you are doing fantastic. Glad your boyfriend worked out too!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Hi Dixie Chump,

The following is not a complaint–more like a public service announcement on the realities of teaching in some places: I wish that I felt valued at this school. Some students started telling me I was a bad teacher from Week 1. Many kids often tell me to go to H–l for just asking them to sit down, stop eating in class, stop cheating on tests, etc. Supervisors ask me to buy food for one class (although students receive free lunch through the government). (Supervisors offer to reimburse but buying and carrying around snacks for one class of students every day makes me morally and physically uneasy). They also ask me to skip lunch in order to work. They ask me (and other teachers) to teach several subjects outside our credential subject. (I am not a chemistry teacher, so why have I been asked to teach a college level chemistry class? Are we serving our students or faculty well by doing this?) Some of us are packed like sardines. (I share rooms with a few other teachers.) I walk up and down stairs carrying heavy books and papers every 30-60 minutes all day. I cross my fingers that my possessions (e.g., laptop, phone, car) are neither damaged nor stolen and no fights break out in my classroom. I think that I may be fired from this job (generally no tenure at charter schools) although I work very hard at it and have several years experience in academia. I rarely see my own biological children any more as I spend virtually all my time outside of official work hours working. I get little sleep and almost no exercise aside from what I get lugging stuff up and down stairs in ‘professional’ attire several times/day. I have an almost constant headache. I frequently think about walking away from this job, never to return, but I don’t have any other job offers and must work full-time for at least 25 more years to feed my family. This lifestyle is the legacy of my marriage/divorce. Living/dealing with monstrous STBX was good training for this job! I am grateful for supportive relatives, friends, etc., though.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RSW, I completely understand!

If you don’t have the time and energy to look for another job, at least put in a request for other schools and see what other teaching opportunities are in your immediate area.

I had a career experience that sounds EXACTLY like yours – add in fights almost everyday in my classroom, no planning period ever, and a student getting arrested by police and hauled out during my class.

Lo and behold, a little private school had a PT opening for one of my degree areas (hated teaching outside my subject like you) and I got the job. Then, the PT teacher in the other of my degree areas quit, and the school felt I was the natural choice so … now I have a decent paying job teaching the subjects I love at a school with respectful students (hated being sworn at everyday like you). I feel very appreciated at this school.

You can do this. If that unlikely opportunity happened for me, something equally great can happen for you! Sending you support and encouragement! You are brave and mighty. I have read your posts in the archives so, really, you are brave and mighty and amazing.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago

Thank you, NeverWiuldHaveImagined! I am glad that your career improved dramatically!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Rockstarwife

Wait. What? Boyfriend. Spill it! Glad to hear you’re doing better RSW.

Rockstarwife
Rockstarwife
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Thank for asking, Ian. My old friend of 30 years started dating my five months after my STBX left. Boyfriend went out with me for one year and then broke up with me on our anniversary (guess he got cold feet). After a few months apart, we started going out again. Amaxingly, things seem to be going quite well now. Looks as though there is hope for chumps–even old, ‘encumbered’ female ones!

Hope things are going well for you!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Rockstarwife

RSW – Wow, wow… I am so sorry you are still trying to finalize your divorce!

If that can be of help in your ongoing battle or temporary arrangement, I would try what Dixie Chump mentioned above. I was not able to swing the excellent wording Dixie Chump put into her divorce settlement, but if that can be helpful to you, here is what I negotiated with my X (who should be awarded a Doctor Honoris Causa in passive-aggressive vagueness).

For medical, all school and extracurricular activities, each parent attempt to agree with the other about what is best for the child… If they can’t agree (shocker…), each parent can make absolute decisions about the child during their parenting time, and cover the cost on their own. So yes, I pick up the tab and I take care of all the logistics, but my kiddo get access to therapy, tutoring, orthodontics and any services she needs.

My kiddo is young, but seeing a therapist is helping her navigate her 50/50 between her dad and me. Having that 3rd person to validate her feelings helps me stay the course of providing her with a sane environment when she is with me.

This deal is far from fair, but it is part of the shit sandwiches I have to gobble down for having bred with a Cluster B.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Chumptitude,

Thanks for responding. I appreciate hearing from others in the trenches! If I can earn enough to pay for braces (on kids’ teeth) and kids’ psychiatric/medical care, I will consider trying to do what you have done.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Moving On-

Chumptitude is spot on like usual.She rocks!

As another example, Just email him a detailed account of you kid’s doctor’s appointment and the results. That is it. No feedback is required for that.

Since you share legal custody and as a hypothetical, if a decision is needed, just outline YOUR decision based on what you know is best for your kids. Phrase it just as Chumptitude outlined above. Did I mention that Chumptitude Rocks?

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

Sorry my keyboard when nuts on my tablet, switching to desktop :)!

Thank you SureChumpedAlot, right back at you!

I learned all my strategies to fend against my X right here on CN, including some of your comments on trying to be the sane parent.

None of this is easy, and yep, Meh comes and goes in a waves of infuriating moments that become less and less frequent as my new life starts to crowd my old one. It is a slow tortuous process, especially given that the only area where my X seems to excel since our divorce is to have infinite ways to suck. It is especially hurtful and infuriating when his sucktitude impacts our kiddo.

But thanks to a daily dose of laughter and wisdom here on CN, I am forging on, thank you CL for providing this forum, and all chumps for sharing your stories, strategies and biting humor!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

ThaNKKJTCH y

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I have a bit of the opposite going on. All of a sudden, after not wanting to be involved in any child rearing decision for 14 years, he suddenly feels the need to be all informed about everything. But you know what? Our settlement agreement states “husband and wife shall discuss all major decisions regarding the minor child’s education, extracurricular activities, healthcare, religion, etc with the wife having the right to make the final decision should the parties disagree after discussing the matter.” In other words, I am always legally entitled to make all the decisions!!! So Blow Me!!! Ha Ha Ha!!! And yes, I wrote that language and asshole is too stupid to understand most of what he signed. heh heh … sorry … I feel SO un-meh. I should not post today!!

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Haha! Fucking morons!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

MovingOn – my X tried that too. I shut that off quick by never asking him questions, I state what I will do based on the doc’s recommendation and tell him that if I don’t hear from him by a deadline (5-7 days) with a plan with dates and the medical doctor contact he will proceed to get a second medical opinion, I will proceed with the plan I outlined.

I used this for medical decisions, as well as any schedule change or contact with him, his non response is taken as agreement with my plan.

That has solved 90% of our conflicts and has enabled our kiddo access to the care she needs.

For the rest I rely on Bill Eddy’s BIFF communication framework.

Hope this helps!

MovingOn
MovingOn
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Thank you. That’s an excellent suggestion. I’m going to use that next time.

Pam Davidson
Pam Davidson
7 years ago

YES, I am there! MEH! It took a while, I’d say 3 years, and it’s now over 4 since he left me for his younger co-worker. They are married now, I only found out via Fb, that stung a little, but now you know I don’t think about him or the marriage hardly ever. Just finally got rid of the furniture etc. I have a new relationship although I didn’t want one for a long time. My advice to anyone going through it is to concentrate on yourself, treat yourself often, realise you are worthy and a truly amazing unique person. MEH land is waiting, keep moving forward and you’ll get there eventually.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago
Reply to  Pam Davidson

This is really great! Thank you!

Forest for the Trees
Forest for the Trees
7 years ago

Yes. Super. Thank you Finding Bliss.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Pam Davidson

Thank you for sharing! Oh please let this be me. I NEED this to be me. I’m three months out and dying.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

At three months out I was not only dying but killing myself trying to go out and meet new people and have fun fun fun (said with gritted teeth smile). I felt I had to prove that I wasn’t going to hang around the house and wallow. I attended a work conference and they had a portion about mental health. The woman talked about how we get sucked into all of life’s commitments and don’t take the time to do the things that are important to us as individuals. Her advice is to think about three things that are important to you and you enjoy doing and then focus on those three things. Mine was not going out all the damn time. I thought about it for days. I finally came up with maintaining my home (it gives me mental permission to just stay home and work on my gardens, fix trim, paint, etc.), exercise my mind and my body, and exploring new places such as restaurants, hiking trails, museums, etc. By focusing on what I like to do and what is important to me I don’t feel like I’m racing to keep up or catch up with some non existent competitor. Some of the best evenings are coming home from the gym after a hard days work, blowing bubbles for my dogs to chase, and then reading CL after a hot shower.

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
7 years ago

Sounds like a lovely evening to me! I love reading your posts/comments, Annie. You sound so wise and like someone that would be great fun to hang out with.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  ColdTurkey

Thank you. I’d like to think that people enjoy being around me. I absolutely love to dance and do it always. Fucktard would almost never dance with me, so I’d end up dancing alone, with other girls, or sometimes with strangers. I sing all the time too. It’s impossible to be anything but happy when you get up and dance and sing. I chuckle when my kids come over and yell over the music, “Can you turn that stuff down?” I think it embarrasses them when I break out with Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” But then again, I do it on purpose.

kb
kb
7 years ago

It will come.

No contact is your friend, if you are in a position to do NC. If you have children, you can’t go completely NC, so you’re going to need to set up some firm boundaries so that you don’t communicate on anything other than the children. Many chumps like Family Wizard for this purpose.

I would say I’m not at Meh yet, but that’s because I wonder what he and his skank Schmoopie are up to. However, I tell myself that I do not need to unblock Schmoopie at this time. Then I discover I’m too busy with life to deal to think about either of them.

You’ll get there, too.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

I am so sorry to hear that your pain is so great right now, neverwouldhaveimagined. Please keep your eyes focused on the prize–your beautiful, cheater-free new life. It does get better. With NC and time, the hopium gets out of your system and the poison and mind-fuckery you lived with daily dissipates and you are able to internalize that they truly suck and no matter what else happens, you are better off without them.

I clung to this hope in the early days. I longed for Chumps who were further along to keep reassuring me that the pain would lessen. I thrilled to read of their triumphs, improvements, dating and remarriage. It was my lifeline. You know what? I’m there. At Meh–that blissful state where the amazing peace and joy of being cheater-free permeates every day.

I have been NC for well over a year. I have set and met many personal goals, and reacquainted myself with several hobbies that the ex had cut me off from. I’ve made new friends, traveled, and cut off all the other unhealthy people from my life. I feel stronger every day, and am filled with gratitude to CL and CN for listening to me, supporting me, teaching me to love myself and set boundaries, and for making me laugh again when I thought I never would stop crying. This forum is the only one that I spend time on because the advice and support here are priceless. The grief begins to dissipate. The joy comes. First step, leave that cheater!!! Second step, come here and learn how to gain your life back!!!

I love being in Meh, and if I could, I would send all you long-suffering and newbie chumps a daily postcard from here, giving you glimpses of what awaits you upon your arrival. I really do wish you were here!

Here’s today’s postcard from Meh, addressed to all who need an encouraging word. The photo on the cover is of a meandering stream, set amongst limestone bluffs. Bald eagles and scarlet tanagers fly overhead. A brook trout splashes nearby. Here’s the message on the card: I can hardly remember what ex looks like now. No one talks about him, I don’t have to see him, and frankly, I’m just too busy with my new life and adventures to spend any time thinking about him. Fill your life with as much beauty, joy, comedy, adventure, learning, music, babies, animals, sunsets, etc. as possible. Most of these can be free. Crowd out the old memories and pain with new ones. Be gentle with yourself. Allow only kind and supportive people into your inner circle. Above all, know your worth. Keep on believing. With love and encouragement, FindingBliss

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

That’s beautiful, FindingBliss!! 🙂 I was going to write to neverwouldhaveimagined, but you said it all so perfectly. 🙂 Neverwoudhaveimagined, I’m not at meh, but truly it does get better. I had a hard time believing it myself — will the pain ever go away? Will I get myself back? Will I believe able to do all this on my own? The answer to all those questions are “yes!” It WILL get better. I lived here at CL and CN for months and months. I read EVERYTHING and if someone directed me to another website or some book to read, I did it! I haven’t done everything perfect; I’ve made a lot of mistake in the last almost two years. But I am getting better. I am healing. And I’m truly, truly THANKFUL not to be living with the lying cheater anymore. He messed with my mind and emotions for over 20 years. I didn’t see it until I was out of it. You’ll get there. I know I’ll get there someday too. Big (((HUGS))) to you. 🙂

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

FindingBliss, your words of encouragement bring me sorely needed comfort. Thank you on behalf of all newbies! I am saving your virtual postcard and will re-read it when needed.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Neverimagined–you’re just a newby. The first four months are HELL. Then you get an hour here & there where you relax a little, but it’s still painful for another few months. One foot in front of the other is the best you can do at this point. Hugs!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

It was two YEARS before I didn’t spend almost all of my waking hours thinking about ex and the whole nightmare. Another year before I stopped spending the majority of my time thinking and talking about it. Yet another year before it got down to just a few times per day. I’m now more than six years out, and engaged to a good man, so obviously I did move on to meh, and if I did it, so will all the rest of you! But it takes time, it takes a great deal of focus on your OWN life and it takes as much NC as possible.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks all of you. I just need support.

This topic is great because relief from the pain, Meh, is all I’m holding onto today.

He cleaned out his last belongings from the house this morning and took my name off of all our remaining joint accounts/assets per the MSA.

I’ll have a court date soon. I’ll be on here a lot.

brit
brit
7 years ago

Shechump, I could have written your post almost word for word but I didn’t find out about a red haired bitch I found out about a blonde triathlete attorney.
I was living in a fog of disbelief , shock, devastation, humiliation.
At the same time my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. My head was spinning.
X then decided it would be a good time to send my Mother e-mails and updates on our correspondence, then calling her to make sure she received them and fill her in on his perspective. He would end the conversation with divorcing your daughter is the best thing I’ve ever done. Even after my Mom asked him to please not call her with his updates or send forwarded e-mails between us that it was not her business it was between X and me. X continued to torment her.
X not only forwarded our e-mails to her but to everyone one our e-mail list, everyone we know. X would avoid sending his e-mail that I replied to making my e-mails look like I was upset without any provocation. It would be so upsetting and frustrating I felt absolutely helpless. Mr. Nice Guy, made himself to look like the innocent victim.
Very cunning and cruel

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Blonde Triathlete attorney Bitch, that is.

brit
brit
7 years ago

I remember that day for me and it’s a tough one.
It takes time to get to meh but believe me and the others who are further out you will eventually get there.
Sorry you’re going through this but always know there’s someone here to offer moral support when you need it.
Take care and big hugs..,

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

There will come a day when you will say ‘neverwoukdhaveimagined how amazing it is to be free!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

?

katbug
katbug
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest is right Neverimaged. I’m 4 mos out and Meh feels like a pipe dream. If I can make it through an entire day without crying, I consider that an accomplishment. Just when you have a seemingly normal moment… The pain rushes back in. Sometimes, it feels worse than the first few weeks after D day.. I’m guessing probably bc of not being able to put your mind in denial mode any longer. It makes it worse that my STBXH is still trying to get back with me…. BUT I trust that he sucks AND I know that all these wonderful people in CN can’t be wrong….MEH will come eventually. 🙂

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  katbug

Hang in there Katbug!
4 months post D Day, I still couldn’t write a coherent sentence … You are doing great!

Rockstarwife
Rockstarwife
7 years ago

I think that I was still paralyzed long after four months post D-Day.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
7 years ago
Reply to  Rockstarwife

I was also still very traumatised two years out. And my thoughts are, over seven years out, that you are never ‘healed’, but always healing. I couldn’t swallow food for over a year. Let alone talk to people or plan anything ‘normal’.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Rockstarwife

I was so paralyzed 4 months out that I couldn’t read a book, couldn’t watch a movie, didn’t know where my head was, didn’t know a damn thing about how any of this was going to turn out. I couldn’t even think that far ahead. This lasted over 2 yrs. Every day, the thoughts of this demise of our marriage consumed me. I was also blindsided like so many here. It’s a real shock. When he asked for a divorce, I didn’t even ask him why. I just calmly said, OK. (and, I’m grateful for that reaction). So glad I never begged. But, that’s when the real drama started and I discovered the affair red-handed, and – you’re damn right I became hugely crazy bitch from that point on. I deserved so much more. He was afraid of me, looking back. Since the house sale drug on for over a yr after our divorce, I spent every single moment writing him emails on how he had no integrity, honor, faithfulness, character, you name it…and what a loser he became. He read them all (why didn’t he block me?). No, he read everyone (even the schmoopie jokes of the bears), and commented saying, I wish you could get over your anger. I am praying for you. Which did.not.help. ha! Just enticed me more. He has NO idea what anger is when you’ve been so ripped off. Funny how shock and denial is the initial reaction and also funny that he didn’t know my strength. Joke was on him as I was way ahead of him on how much cheating he’d been doing with this slut.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

We have a mutual admiration society, SheChump

katbug
katbug
7 years ago

Thanks Louisvilleflower?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  katbug

and sadly, you can’t rush the healing. I came out of the starting gates after D-day kicking ass and taking names. And I already trusted that he sucked (didn’t know the full extent of his suckitude, but I was one more incident away from leaving him when D-day hit). But I’m still not fully healed, 2 years out.

Nonetheless, progress can be made and then you go backward; you can understand something (“he/she sucks”) and it takes awhile for the heart to catch up. Things that weren’t triggers may become triggers. It took 1.5 years before a minor crisis (yet another plumbing fiasco) didn’t lead to the urge to curl up in a ball because I could.not.handle.one.more.thing. Ride the pain, don’t fight it. Just make sure you do at least one thing, everyday, without fail, toward self-care.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

How true Tempest! One thing everyday towards self-care helps so much!

Focusing on that and making new friends on CN and IRL have helped me tremendously.

Unfortunately, sharing 50/50 custody with my X and his girltress means that I am exposed to re-traumatizing events often. Throughout the divorce proceedings, the level of hurt that came with each of these new events was so high I couldn’t believe what my life had turned into.

After the divorce was final, I was able to take more distance and to little by little distance myself from all that crazy and towards my own healing. It takes an enormous amount of time and effort for our heart to catch up with you heads!

Now I have more and more Meh moments, where I see my X for what he is, and stay calm when his pathology negatively impacts our kiddo. This dance will continue until our kiddo is grown… A lifetime of schadenfreude ahead.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

It was 4 months of HELL for me, too. Once I got past that mark, of course with no contact, I started to feel like there is life after this Hell. Neverimagine, don’t give up….baby steps!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

They say these changes come in waves, so Meh moments get longer with time while un-Meh times turn into moments. It’s really habit building, so repetition builds the new reality. Simply by being out of the relationship every day, your brain is experiencing the repetition it needs. You are getting there without even perceiving it. Have faith!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree, exactly! Meh comes in waves until it seems to be a permanent state of mind! I’m mostly at Meh with an occasional unmeh moment and I truly mean moments! What a tough journey to get here but so thankful I found it. Thank you CL and CN!

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago

It WILL be you..! I’m 2.5 years out and it really does get better..just hang in there

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago

It will get better. Get a therapist, get medications from your doctor if you need it, meet new people ( I’ve met some wonderful people on meetup), just go out and have some fun. Oh and either no contact or, if that’s not doable, grey rock. Don’t talk to him, do not acknowledge his presence. Don’t cook or do laundry for him. Just take care of you, and any kids and pets you may have.

freedom2016
freedom2016
7 years ago

neverwouldhaveimagined,

I know how you are feeling too. I am almost 3 months out. A month and a half ago I really felt like I might just die with a broken heart!! I’m getting a tiny bit better with each passing week. Did I say tiny?? 🙂 Have you gone No Contact? I have struggled so much with that. I finally, on Monday blocked him from my phone. It will help you so much if you can do that. I still get emails daily. I try not to answer them. I’m realizing that all his verbiage just keeps me hooked emotionally. It’s the hardest thing for me to “trust that he sucks”, but he does, he was screwing another woman the last 18 months!, while I ran around like a crazy person trying to fix everything about me! And he was toxic! Manipulating, twisting, blaming, starting fights over anything or nothing. I kept asking him “Do you still love me, because is doesn’t feel like it?” And I was praying for him. I thought he had a mental illness. I never, never considered he was having a affair. I was blindsided!!
I am sorry you are going through this. When you feel grief, just let yourself cry it out. It is part of the healing process. Make some small goals for yourself (self care). The book “Getting past your break up, By Susan Elliot” was very helpful to me.
Hang in there! Its going to get better than it is right now!

((Hugs)),
Freedom

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  freedom2016

Yes, thanks! I’m reading everything recommended. You’re so right about NC.

Marth
Marth
7 years ago
Reply to  freedom2016

Thanks for the book recommendation, Freedom2016. 🙂

MsMeh2016
MsMeh2016
7 years ago

I’ve been ‘Meh’ for a few months. Not sure how to describe it though. Upon first separating I wrote a journal, when I read that now it’s like I was a different person, I suppose that’s the answer. I’m different, strong, independent and happy. Not caring about what he’s doing, who with, what he’s thinking/talking about is so natural now. To all those still waiting for ‘Meh’, it’ll happen, it’s gradual but one day that switch will flick and it’s terrific!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  MsMeh2016

Back in the early days, a few years ago, I kept a journal. I found it recently, buried in the bottom of a drawer. When I read through it, I really saw how far I have come. It was hard to believe how bad things were, how much pain, fear, anger and self doubt I struggled through. My life today is not easy, but it is nothing like those bad days. It feels so good to be done with all that drama. I threw the journal into the dumpster; that life is behind me now, fading away like a distantly remembered nightmare.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Yes, GIO, it feels so good to be done with the drama! The constant drama and chaos-creating, instead of just being a partner!
I found a letter I had written to him, when I was cleaning the attic prior to moving out. It was so pathetic, I was listing all the ways he wouldn’t help me raise the kids, or even just spend time with me, and I was giving him solutions to help out. Such futility! I wish I had known then about the ‘it’s not that they don’t see, they disagree’ concept. He knew what I wanted, before I told him, but he didn’t wanna…Wah, you’re not the boss of me! I read that letter, just shaking my head at how hopeful and naïve I was, and this was before I found CL!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

What this whole experience has taught me is to never again invest in someone who (a) isn’t enthusiastic about spending time with me; (b) tries to make me feel bad about myself, when I know I’m not that bad; (c) lies. Fuck ’em.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Good list, Tempest!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

+1

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

This is wonderful Glad!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  MsMeh2016

I went back and read some of my journal entries when I was still married. Boy, it really showed me how sad and depressed I was back then. I’m much more emotionally healthy now! Even though I miss our family being together, and I miss the person I thought he was, I don’t miss the person who crushed me and then ground my heart into the floor. I’m glad to be in charge of my own life instead of trying to pretzel myself into someone else’s.

Verity297
Verity297
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I did the same Lyn. I felt so sad for the married me. Always vowing to try harder. Such a relief not to live that life anymore.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Verity297

Verity, “always vowing to try harder.”……same here, so glad not to have that drama in my life. I’m good enough for me…..BOOM!

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Yes! I was always determined to try harder in my marriage. Now … no drama and no one resenting the hell out of me and criticizing me. Life is so much more peaceful and I’m much nicer to myself than Cheese Fries ever was.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

NMSB. Your BOOM always makes me laugh.

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I think meh comes when you finally realize that person you married was never who you thought he was- from the very beginning of the relationship. I had this vision of who X was and what our marriage meant to him. But it wasn’t reality, it was just years and years of my refusal to see him as he was. Once I accepted that he had never been that person, it became much easier to live a full, productive life without him. The other thing that changed for me was the recognition that my wants and needs are as important as those of my family. I always put myself last and that is just no place to be. Now, I do the things that I couldn’t or wouldn’t do because it might displease someone. I am more content than I have been in many years. Meh is a state of acceptance that comes slowly, but it eventually arrives so long as you let it.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

So well put, Violet. The divorce settlement was final last week and immediately afterward he sent me a nasty text. At first, his fury sent me into a tailspin the way it has for over twenty years … but two nights later, I was done with it. I trust that he sucks. Finally my heart caught up to my head and I could see the pattern so clearly. He gets mad, has a temper tantrum, martyrs himself, and blames me. Over and over again, with big things and small. And I spent twenty-two years placating him or getting angry back or hoping he’d learn to manage his anger or thinking that if I just used the right I-statements he’d understand how this affected me. But no. He’s someone who lashes out in hurtful ways when he’s angry. And I’m someone who’s not going to be treated like that anymore.

I made a huge leap to meh in the last week. I’m still too angry and hate him too much to be meh, but a lot of the grief has settled. When I remember things about our life together, I accept them, good and bad. That’s my past and there’s no longer an emotional part of me screaming, “Why? Why couldn’t it work out? Look at everything we had.” We didn’t have what I thought we did, and he wasn’t who I thought he was. I accept that. And I’m ready to build a new life.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

“Why? Why couldn’t it work out? Look at everything we had.” We didn’t have what I thought we did, and he wasn’t who I thought he was. Yes this…

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet – What a beautiful post! Very insightful.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Violet I never saw him until I did! Great post.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet, I could have wrote what you wrote. Word for word. From the very beginning he was acting and once in a while, the mask fell. But I always thought he was the person he pretended to be. And I failed to accept or acknowledge that he was showing me all along exactly what I meant to him — nothing! Just something to use, like a tool. The kids and I, just cake. People who pretend and use people are evil monsters.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I did the same thing Martha and Violet, I held on beleiving he was the person he pretended to be, the person I thought I married. Over time the mask slipped more frequently, I chose to ignore or overlook those moments to avoid a confrontation.
Eventually I began to accept his disdain as normal, not realizing how bad it was.
He so clearly showed me who he was and how he felt about me but I was brainwashed into holding on to the person I thought he was. (if that makes sense)
They are truly evil.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Especially in the last few years we were married his abusive nature became more and more frequent. I recall overlooking his increasing nastiness. I could feel myself becoming more anxious when he was around and trying harder to please him.
If I look back and recall his arrogance and the condescending attitude towards me and the verbal abuse sometimes disguised as “joking” I almost feel like crying that I allowed it and never stood up for myself. It really is like a form of brainwashing.
When I first entered into our relationship and early in our marriage I wouldn’t have tolerated his abuse. The abuse is insidious, he knew how much I valued our family, how important our son is to me and how hard I worked everyday to be a happy family. He did nothing but criticize and feel sorry for himself.
It makes what he’s done even more heinous.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  MsMeh2016

I journal, too. (Mostly to keep from sharing my feelings with him.) I hope when I look back I see progress. I hope one day I have a life to write about without all this drama! So glad you are at Meh.

me
me
7 years ago

everything would be great and glorious at this point years later if dating wasn’t so horrible. Men in their 40s want 20-30some yo and I am at 40, not interested in 50 yo men. It’s like they win again.

chris 1731
chris 1731
7 years ago
Reply to  me

LOL..

I’m a 52 year male.

Funny, I just quit the dating sites. I was looking for women between the ages of 45-55: and frankly very few respond to me.. The ones pursuing me were in there 20’s and 30’s and 60’s…odd. I did manage to date a few 40 year old women…..and wouldn’t you know two were married (out of there babe) and the other two said I was to old and that they were used to dating men in their 20’s.

I have had some success with women in their 50’s that have children that are grown or women in their late 40’s with kids…. Haven’t found that special one that doesn’t set off alarm’s….lol

I gave up and just do my things, run, yoga and some stand up paddling and various weekend events; getting used to being alone isn’t as bad; though I enjoy my daughters when there able to come around.

Let go
Let go
7 years ago
Reply to  me

The men you are talking about are trolling. You don’t want them anyway. There are good men and women on dating sites and those that found a deep relationship are with people close to their age. One woman I know is an introvert so she had to force herself to join dating sites. She stopped trying several times for the same reason you have but the last time she met her sweetie. He is younger.
Every time I see a picture of some actor with a much younger woman I roll my eyes. I assume some people through work, friendships etc find a younger lover but any man that limits himself to young girls is limited himself.
I know several couple who met this way. One thing they all have in common is that they are/act like grown ups.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Let go

I met Nice Guy on PlentyofFish. Last year, my oldest brother married a woman he met through Chemistry.com, they are incredibly happy together. There ARE good finds on the dating sites, but it’s just like any other area of life…. you have to weed through a lot of trash to find the treasure. Don’t give up.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

If you knew how much these posts help me….thank you. I am just not doing well. I become worried about this…..abyss of grief. Thnk YOU for the virtual hugs and warm words. No one understands but CN.

grace
grace
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Dear Sylvia, I experienced the same phase as you did recently, an abyss of grief, and it is a wave that will role by. Keep breathing, there’s nothing more you need to do. When it subsides, new insights will arrive that will detach you more from the past. Your heart will sing again.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  grace

Sylvia, Honey. I just want to tell you that you are enough, just the way you are right now. You don’t need anyone to complete you. You are unique and precious just the way you are. Sending you mega hugs…..

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  me

•••

•••

Pull Down to Refresh

Inbox

^^^
This. I have gone backward. Somehow, I have reached a deeper level of sadness. (Warning: I am a Negative Nelly right now).
This is a grief reaches down into my stomach, and makes my bones like lead. A sadness that makes you not give a damn. About anything.
My real D Day was Mother’s Day. But months of misery leading up to that.

And what you just wrote, I believe, dating experiences triggered it. I am 40 as well, and let me tell you….the dating pool we are swimming in is enough to make you long for
your X, as fucked up as that is.

Be careful about this: Most of these 40 somethings….they are still married. They are having problems in their relationship (READ: they want to cheat). I realized yesterday that I was living in crazy town when I was in a text argument with a man, who somehow forgot to tell me that he was not only not divorced…he still lived under the same roof with his wife. I frantically texted him and said: Never contact me again. Do you know what he texted back? ” I think u r selling yourself short.” He was extolling his wonderful qualities. You see…these cheaters are deeply mentally ill. I was missing out on the prize that was him. He was actually aggressive with me because I was cutting off contact.

Head shake…what? I said, No, I am 110% certain that cutting off any involvement with a man living with his WIFE, where you pathologically lied…is the right choice. He drove 5 hours to an area where I live. Leaving message..I got this great suite with a jacuzzi. I blocked his number. This is just one of the morons. It is no problem meeting them. It is when you starting unpacking who they are: things that don’t add up, painting the ex wife as a monster, where he was perfect (not buying it) or having catastrophic financial problems, saying mean things about their ex’s weight, talking about beating a 16 year old stepdaughter with a belt (CLICK).

Another layer of tragic: They are not even that attractive. I don’t want to be with someone who has moobs and skin tags.

So, you look to the younger guys. It just does not work. It is not even their fault. You just don’t have much in common with someone who does not know the song Piano Man, by Billy Joel. Who does not read? Who puts LOL after every sentence?

And so my thoughts always, always, always circle back to my X.

I can’t believe he did not value us. I can’t believe he threw it all away for drugs and whores. I can’t believe that he does not miss me. I can’t believe he never cared about me.

And you are right. It is like they win again. I wish it was not so. My X is with younger women (but with lots of children from different fathers, these women have FELONIES, that use drugs, trashy low life). So, I know they are no prize…but-

It would be so much more tolerable if I saw some hope. I was even googling how to take away my sex drive. I was trying to talk myself into not craving male companionship.

I want to date. I do NOT want to be alone. I *know* meeting someone would help me. I have never been married and have no children. I have had enough of solitude for a lifetime. But the term *baggage* was created for a reason. So many of these men are so disordered, they lie because they want to have sex. They have very messy lives. Being with them would be like hugging a tar baby.

Sightings of Meh? No. Something happened and I am going backwards. Either this is the big final push of grief, or I am doomed.

*TIP: If you start talking with someone and they push push push for you to use the app KIK…it is because the messages are deleted. Read: THEY ARE CHEATERS.

I am sorry if I brought anyone down. I am being honest.

But, you know what? Through it all….I have not contacted my X. Not once. I refuse. I think of him cheating, and I would sooner cut off my fingers. In fact, cutting off my fingers would be LESS pain that speaking with him. My God, his cruelty. That is my only “WIN.” And I have not slept with anyone out of sheer loneliness. I just can’t do it. You see….I *LOVED* my X. He was the only man for me. And I know he is fucking like a horn dog. It breaks my heart. But I do not contact him, ever. I have stopped researching him. We may as well be on different planets.

Maybe that is Meh? In itself? Hugs to everyone who feels gutted. I am with you.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia,

Being a chump can come with some very low lows. Just when you think you’re doing okay, the bottom falls out again. Only it doesn’t fall out. Not really. Each time it falls it doesn’t go as deep. It sure feels that way at first, but you have got to go through the entire grieving process and then learn that being alone does not equate to lonely. Please give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel at the moment. It’s okay and it’s normal. If you didn’t feel the grief, then you’d be just like them, and we are so not like them.

Rockstarwife
Rockstarwife
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Silvia,

I admire your resolve. Several times I went back to my abusice, cheating ex because I was lonely (and scared about raising young kids without financial support from STBX–I was nearly 50 and hadn’t worked at a ‘real’ job for several years).

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia

The whole process of detaching is painful. Dating too soon is very self defeating. More than anything I wanted him to eat the words, “No one will ever want you the way you are.” Setting out to prove him wrong by dating too soon left me an emotional wreck even though it was one date.

I would recommend getting stronger first. For me it was about gaining control over my emotions and learning to take care of my own needs. Feeling confident in yourself comes after you fully detach.
He is an asshole; the devil you lived with. Gain strength first, raise your bar higher and you never have to compare. You will know exactly what you do want in a relationship. You deserve this. Take care of you.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

You are a beautiful writer and an even more beautiful person, Sylvia. I am sending you a big virtual hug.

I remember researching “how to reduce or elinate your sex drive” while I was married to ex. Yep, almost 30 years of deprivation! And why did I tolerate such neglect and disrespect? Poor boundaries and putting my needs last. So nothing to miss there. I know you’ve written before that you had good sex with your ex, so I’m sorry for the pain and longing you’re stuck with now. I do believe there are good men out there, but firmly believe in avoiding dating sites. Can you join a gym, a club, or a meetup group? I belong to several outdoor activity groups and the single men ratio is pretty good there. I prefer the safety of meeting men within a group setting.

Stay beautiful.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia,

One thing that helped me was understanding how much more I deserved than living with an abusive cheater, even if that meant I was alone. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, learn to enjoy yourself and being alone. Once you get there you will be ready to date and find someone that truly deserves you. They are out there and you are young, I am in my fifties and I feel like there are plenty of guys, but I am also okay just hanging by myself or with my girlfriends. Find a hobby or join a meet up group. I would stay off the dating sites, I haven’t seen much good come from those. But it is okay to feel sad, give yourself a hug and take good care of you.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia,

You are not bringing any one down, you are just sad and I empathize with you. Emotions remind us that we are human.

You mention, “I want to date. I do NOT want to be alone. I *know* meeting someone would help me.” – I feel that in order for you to find serenity you have to see that you don’t need “someone” to make you feel complete.You have to be loving to yourself and enjoy the gift of life by experiencing the things in life that make you happy. When that “someone” then comes by, it just makes your life that much more special.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, you aren’t bringing anyone down… This site is to express how you feel and gain strength from others and find strength you didn’t know you had…
When you say “I can’t believe he did not value us. I can’t believe he threw it all away for drugs and whores. I can’t believe that he does not miss me. I can’t believe he never cared about me.” That is a feeling that will fade with time, but I understand how fresh it still is to you. I must confess that Anthony Weiner dug it all up for me again and I was cursing him out like he did it to me! HA! Like everyone said here, time will heal… You will feel less and less toward that POS. All you can do is take one day at a time and take the small victories! Hugs to you for your heartache… I know it’s tough, but hang in there.

Chumpman
Chumpman
7 years ago

Been in Meh for quite some time, hating the cheater and trust issues she caused stuck with me for years, but both are now gone. Remarried. Can’t quite quit CL blog reading addiction though, U enjoy it so much.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpman

Chumpman, It took me several years, too, but I am totally at Meh. I haven’t forgotten the pain of what happened, but I have come to peace with it all. My ex nor the injustice no longer holds any importance to me. That’s all in the past and not part of my present life. I don’t know what my ex is doing and I don’t care if he’s happy as a lark or living in misery… I’m just glad to have gained my freedom!

CL’s blog is empowering (and addictive). I wish she had been around when I was going through D-Day and the aftermath… Better late than never, however! Such a great source of support!!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpman

I believe I have the same addiction to this blog! 🙂

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I’ve been asking myself the same question! Another addiction, oh no.
But, everyday I read almost every post and I always learn something.
Or definitely interested in helping others through their pain.
I’m not sure I’ll ever give it up!

Not at meh as dday triggers are starting to arrive. I posted on the Forums about it.
3 yrs later . . I’ll never ever forget how I felt.
Coming up on 2 yr anniversary of the divorce.
3 months since last contact. Yes, it helps a lot. But I don’t think the pain will ever go away.
Like Sylvia – I really only loved my husband. Nobody even comes close.
Yeah – he was such a nice guy . . . . But, really he was.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

SheChump

“Like Sylvia – I really only loved my husband. Nobody even comes close.”

This is the truth for every one of us here. We loved our ABUSERS.
That pain lingers long after regardless of no contact.

Yet the pain eventually changes. It changes with the knowledge you WERE loving, giving, loyal, and invested. And despite this he CHOSE to lie, cheat, expose you to STD’s.

Unloving our ABUSERS is trauma inducing because we believed. I had to knock him off the pedestal and see him for what he was, a pathological liar who told me he loved me every day he was fucking strange.

Knock him off the pedestal. Look at the actions. The slow boil kept us there. Getting angry, facing the truth, and knowing it was an illusion helped me see.

The pain is finite. It shifted to reevaluating how I tolerated him for 41 years. And you forgive yourself. And get strong.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Hugs Shechump. I hope that anticipating the triggers lessen them. This site really is my crack. I’ve fallen behind in the last few days but kept thinking, it’s a long weekend, I will catch up. CL is like having ice cream in the freezer. If you know it’s there, you just have to have a taste.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago

I hear you Annie – and then on weekends, I start on the Forums cuz I miss everybody….

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

My first taste of meh came when I attended my son’s graduation party at the X’s new place. The in-laws were there and a girlfriend of the X, plus plenty of mutual friends. I never felt better when I walked in, everyone happy to see me but the look on the X’s face and his girlfriend was very telling. They both looked stricken as I smiled and really enjoyed myself.

I didn’t even care that his new place was hoarded up already, a total mess, he wasn’t prepared for the party at all, he was still putting one of the bathrooms together, literally putting in a toilet as guest were arriving. My contribution to the night was when I went to the store and bought plastic silverware and ice since he had neither. Then I preceded to have a wonderful time talking to friends and left without helping with any of the clean up, not my place, meh!

ChumpedtotheMax
ChumpedtotheMax
7 years ago

As I was writing about my meh, the X was texting me “I am sorry I ever hurt you, I hope someday you can forgive me.” This 5 years after the 3rd and final Dday and 20 years of putting up with his abuse.

But what he is really saying is “I am sorry I am facing the consequences of my actions. I wish you would get over it and let me abuse you again because that really makes me happy.”

Forgiveness is not about not having consequences, it’s about not wanting revenge. I don’t want revenge, but he still has to face the consequences. Meh!!!!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

“the X was texting me “I am sorry I ever hurt you, I hope someday you can forgive me.”

ChumpedtotheMAx – This asshole is texting you this line, because NO ONE on this planet wants to tolerate his ass. He is single and no one wants him. So what do they do? They go back to good ol’ faithful chump that they had no problem abusing for decades + and treating like shit. He cheated on you, so he treated you like shit. Where was the love then? Where was the sorry then? I guarantee you that once they find someone new, they will toss you in the trash in a nanosecond. I hope you responded, I haven’t given you second thought, get lost. Too little, too late.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Nah, I don’t respond to crazy anymore! no contact is beautiful meh! ha!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Wow, pretty powerful stuff ChumpedtotheMax…..Meh.Check……Karma.Check.

More smiles to you!

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago

Fuckers deserve each other. I can only imagine the fun my ex wife’s AP is having supporting her ass. He can have her and her entire disordered family, happy to be rid of them

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Yes KB, don’t forget that wonderful family of enablers!

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Oh God no kidding…her mother was a cheater too so they can all enjoy each other’s company.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

The ex also had a cheating narc mother….apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I don’t know if you elaborated elsewhere, NMSB, but did you say your X is hoovering you? Sorry to hear that if true.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Very nice! Well done!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Awesome!

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago

This made me smile

Loveydovey
Loveydovey
7 years ago