More Mightiness!

Hey, it is the first back-at-work Monday in the New Year and I believe it’s time for another Mightiness Check here at Chump Lady. I’m still getting over gunky, infected lungs, so share some mightiness with me! (Or just oxygen…)

Every day we’re adding new chumps to the ranks, so astonish them with your strength. I know you guys are finalizing divorces, starting lawn mowers alone, tying ponytails, finishing masters degrees, and rewiring sockets. And I know some of you aren’t feeling particularly mighty, but I’m taking all submissions. Did you just suffer a D-Day and remember to shower? You’re IN. Every bit of mightiness no matter how big or small can inspire another chump struggling with the very same thing.

And if you’ve shared last year, hey, we NEVER get tired of mightiness here. Tell me how you’ve been kicking ass, and what the New Year has in store for you.

Leave a cheater — Gain a LIFE!

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Scott
Scott
9 years ago

Picked up the guitar again in 2014, repaired and painted my dining room, cleaned out garage, Attic and basement from hoarder cheater crazy ex, yes it took me MONTHS. Goals for 2015, start reading regularly, exercise, focus on what i love the most, my kids and my new life.

dsr
dsr
9 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Why do we chumps feel such shame when we have been betrayed so deeply?
Is it because we feel so frauded, dupped, or when we realize we have no control how these fuck tards treated something as simple as love and respect with such little care. It’s an insult to basic human kindness that mattered so much.
Divested and heart broken life of the unable to feel love.

willow
willow
9 years ago

I am the Biggest chump of all… story to follow when I get up the courage and get over the shame.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
9 years ago
Reply to  willow

Willow, I have made a lifetime of serially committing to narcissists. Some of them cheated some of them didn’t. But after each gruesome relationship, I’d go find another. And another. I’m ashamed of how long it took me to realize that I have a few issues. Ashamed and embarrassed. Embarrassed because I’m not a stupid person. Ashamed because I was old enough to know better a long time ago. I’m recently divorced (again) and am trying to get it right by first getting me right. Chump Lady has given me calculus where before I struggled with arithmetic. A lot of things made a lot more sense once I started looking at the world (and especially narcissists – and myself) through her steady gaze and raucous directness. Keep reading stuff on this site. Read over and over. read until it becomes part of your vocabulary. It helps. Happy New Year to You

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  willow

Willow,

I have shared my story in bits and pieces through the comments, but never the entire story. At this point, I am no longer ashamed, just overly-cautious about what I share online. This is the best place to tell your story, no matter how horrific or embarrassing you think it might be, as someone has stated above, someone on here has been through it or something like it. I was amazed at how much of what I felt shame about someone on this site had been through and overcome and or was going through and overcoming it.

I adopted the screen name Chump Princess because I felt I had been such a supreme chump that I had to be some kind of chump royalty. I have discovered I am just one of many in the Queen’s court, whoever she may be.

Share your story whenever you feel comfortable. There is so much love and support here. HUGS, HUGS, HUGS to you.

Susan
Susan
9 years ago
Reply to  willow

Willow —

I know the feeling of “shame”. It was long time before I could tell even my best friend that STBX wanted a divorce but once I did spill, I found friends I never new I had. I can’t tell you how good it feels to have women and men who come up to me, just to give me a hug! Those hugs impart such mightiness!

I’m nearly finished with the divorce and it’s been over a year since we officially separated. In that time, I negotiated and bought my own apartment. I used all the resources my husband would have scoffed at and made lots of nice contacts along the way. I couldn’t be happier living on my own terms. My kids are in a good place and my oldest (23) announced this Christmas that she really loves our new holiday traditions … which involves lots of family and sleepovers, etc.

It’s still one day at a time for me, but the more I open myself up to new possibilities, the stronger I feel.

Chump Nation is mighty and we are here/hear for you!

Hugs,

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  willow

willow, Even if your story is full of actions you regret, the only way to move forward and toward a brighter life is to let some air in. You have anonymity and a “room” full of incredibly caring and wise people here who have possibly made similar choices. Talking things out, sharing my story and heeding the advice given here has changed my world over the past several months. If you can muster the courage, I can almost promise you that you’ll be on the road to a better tomorrow. Don’t give names or locations, stay general if that helps.. but do share so that you can get a fresh perspective and support to pick yourself up and move forward. Things I was ashamed of doing after my x’s affair turned out to be very typical of what humans do after being brutally hurt by an affair and being emotionally manipulated, you’re NOT alone! Check the forums here, try posting your story in the “general” section of the site forum – more private than this main page. Strength, courage and much love to you!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  willow

Let’s vow to make 2015 a Shame-Free year!! — As my therapist said, “What do YOU have to be ashamed of?” — Absolutely nothing. I’ll be you’re in the same boat, Willow. I already KNOW ML is!! — NO SHAME!!! Say it with me now, “NO SHAME!!”

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblio & Tempest – yes! I’m trying to detach myself from the shame that rightfully belongs to my f-tard. Really is a journey. BUT, with every large and small victory, I’ll get to “meh.” I know it. On the Mighty List for me being 16 mos post DDay:
– Finished master’s JUST before DDay
– Have continued coaching my high school girls soccer team since DDay in Oct. ’13
– Lost 60 lbs since prior to DDay (back to my fighting weight! LOL!)
– Transformed my spiritual walk with Jesus
– Earned the highest professional award for my industry in Aug ’14
– Divorce finalized Dec. 30 (just in time for my new year!)
– Have primary custody of my 14 year old (she’s disgusted with her “dad;” our 21 yr old won’t talk to him)
– Got all of my retirements, the house, everything in it
– Hand sanded and 4-process painted my kitchen cabinets; working on the ceramic tile backsplash now
– Got new carpet for daughter’s and guest room
– Painted both rooms new colors
– Involved in 2014-15 community leadership program & working on community projects
– Signed up to run my first 1/2 marathon this April

Massive hugs and love to all of us Chumps in 2015! We are mighty!! Thanks and love to Tracy!! 😉

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
9 years ago

Kibble Free – you sound like me! I am 15 months out, got the final divorce Dec 20, so 2014 was my year of the Phoenix. I really rose from the ashes and took my life back. I also transformed my spiritual walk with Jesus. I lost 53 pounds – not quite as much as you :). I got a new job in another state. I took up fencing with my daughter as a new sport. I am back to competitive horse riding doing eventing. I rescued an x-racehorse and started retraining him. I got a new dog. I did all the painting, carpentry, yard work etc by myself to get the house ready for sale. I also got all the contents of the house, the 3 horses, and full custody of my daughter. My 15 year old daughter also wrote her father off and had her last name changed to my maiden name as part of the divorce.

When I tell people I am divorced I always tell them too that my XH is a serial cheater and the reason we are divorced. He abandoned his family – there was no drifting apart.

I still have moments where self doubt creeps back – but it becomes less and less with time. CL and Chump Nation have been a crucial part of my moving forward. It is definitely true – I am much happier and better off without the dog turd in my life.

Happy New Year!

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Hey, Mommy Chump! You rock!! First, isn’t it weird how many things we can accomplish without the dead weight, and having to beg for engagement in the house, the yard, with kids, with animals… I bet you knew all along (like me) that we could have done ANY of the things prior to them abandoning us (mine did the same!!), but we just threw them kibbles to make them think they were necessary. No. What’s necessary is sanity, and girl, we have that now! It’s also strange that my 14 year-old asked me if she could change her name to my maiden name with me in the divorce – just like yours! I told her if it’s something she really wants to do, we’ll do it at a later time. I’m surprised your XH didn’t fight that; just seems like something narcissistic douche bags would do, and who also think they’re justified in their cheating behavior. So amazing what you’re doing with those horses! Massive (((hugs))) to you and your girl! By the time line, we were walking the same hell-walk at the just about the exact same time. You’re gonna kick boo-tay this year, too!!

Thankful
Thankful
9 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Shame is something we all feel to start with. I felt it as it was expected that I would stay quiet about my STBX’s cheating bare portion of the blame and focus on an eventual reconciliation. The joke is non of this came directly from him but from those who closed ranks around him in the hope that he would be fully restored. As we were both involved in ministry in our local church. While they pressured me, he created two lives the one he presented to them in compliance with his supposed disciplinary action. And the real him, the man livining the single life, who disrespects his wife and children and anyone else he believes to be beneath him. The man who chose to deny any wrong doing and project all the blame on me for ending our marriage.
I found my strength by seeing all these people for who they really are and being determined to live an honest life of integrity. Every time I told the truth about what happened I became stronger. Now I am stronger I nolonger care who knows and I no longer feel compelled to share my story as often as in the early days.

Here’s to a shame fee 2015.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

No Shame!! Absolutely, NWB!

Rich
Rich
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hey chumpL:

Everyone wheres the chump crown in life. There is no way to know who is or isn’t a cheater.

When I cheated because my wife wanted to be celibate and I got horny, I never believed I would do it. Then there was opportunity right there staring me in the face and I took the rat bait. Like a true rat. I lost my lovely wife, remarried and then got cheated on myself by a women who by all accounts is a saint and so angelic. Who knew. We are working things out. She is worth it, I am worth it our marriage is worth it. And worst of all there out no guarantees that a new gal won’t cheat too,

kimmie
kimmie
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

OMG Willow, This is exactly how I feel too. So humiliated and embarrassed like you wouldn’t believe ! So many ,many very mighty chumps . I at times don’t feel worthy to try to mingle with the strength here at Chump Nation ! So here’s the deal share your story and I’ll make you feel so much stronger when I share mine. 😉

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL–I’ll wrestle you for the chump crown……. I will finally get my story someday (it’s novel worthy) but geez, it’s soooo convoluted it seems impossible to be concise. The gigolo/fool formerly in my life (we were not married, thank God) did some things so devious, when I recite them to people, their mouth drops open and they ask “who can even think of that, much less does it??!!!??”

He’s made his bed of nails and it surely can’t be comfortable. His days of finding a woman to live off of are coming to their end. No woman will give his impossibly handsome and fit narcissistic 56 yr old ass a glance cos he has an interlocking device in his alcoholic mobile for the next two yrs for a DWI of BAC of over twice the legal limit….. Not to mention an easily researched lengthy arrest record on my county’s public record website. Add to that he’s been convicted of felony theft of funds–how’s he going to get a job where money is involved? He did some substitute teaching when he was with me–got fired because he made the teenage girls ‘uncomfortable’—no district will let him in.

The idiot NEVER sees the consequences of his actions. He was living in my 7 figure home, driving my luxury cars, ALL expenses paid by me yet he HAD to do his deceit because he COULD and he WANTED to–just as you say in one of your posts. I had to have him evicted because he refused to leave–he had no one willing to take him in or lend him a dime. All former friends and family shun him–he’s burned every bridge that he’s crossed in his lifetime. His 2 ex wives and grown children detest him.

To prevent women from getting in this lifetime predator’s trap, when I found his lie filled, self aggrandizing profile on dating sites (using pictures of my home, show horses and other property as being his), I contacted their customer care departments and informed them of his multi-tiered abusive ways–they immediately banned him (with no explanation to him) for life. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thank you, thank you for this forum–It’s made me stronger in the fastest amount of time–I was stuck but am feeling better every day since I found it just last week.

Discomfort and darkness to all fucktards out there! Peace and light to all fellow chumps!

ChumpsofHumanity
ChumpsofHumanity
9 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Wow! Sounds like FuckWit. I have a similar story .

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Hesatthecurb–your story sounds like a made-for-TV movie. Thanks for the trailer–we’ll look forward to the script for Lifetime!

Marci
Marci
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I had one of those gigolos too… Living in my home for free, until he got outed by a colleague. This was not before he managed to bring the OW into my bed while I was away on business. Apparently he told her it was HIS house because after I threw him on the curb, she wrote me an email saying I had some cheek to throw him out of his own home! Did she ever have a surprise when it came out that he was penniless, in debt in fact, and the biggest liar imaginable. mwahahaha!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  Marci

Hey Marci–they sound like they fell out of the same rootless tree–many of your details mirror mine exactly. He showed many women pics of my home, possessions and said they were his–even my mini donkey!

Get this–without my being aware, he took a picture of me while I was in my kitchen. He showed it to an OW and she asked who I was. She told me he replied I was his MAID!!!! She said something to the tune of ‘she doesn’t look like the typical maid and she sure is dressed nice to be cleaning your house’ and he replied he ‘required all his staff to wear full makeup and dress in that manner’.

That is reprehensible that your fucktard brought the OW into your bed—I am sure mine would have tried it but he never got the chance cos I was always home while he was out catting around. I have been told he would dangle the idea of coming to my home with his OWs but he would change his mind when they accepted. “The ranch is so far away, let’s just stay here in town” he’d say. He was taking women out in my car and I paid for the gas, of course.

I would put my proof of insurance in the console and he would remove it. Rinse and repeat–he removed it so no snooping woman would see my name as owner of the car.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  willow

Willow, I’m about 14 months since d-day and I can tell you that my shame hung on relentlessly. I’d beat myself up that I continued to feel shame about my husband’s cheating. I’m just writing a quick note to let you know that the shame does fade. It gets replaced with a lot of things including some righteous indignation. If you’re feeling like you’ll never get over the shame, please trust me, you will! Please feel free to share your story on CL. Do you visit the Forums? If not, please do.

xox

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  willow

Willow, we all feel shame even though we weren’t the ones who broke our marriage vows. Tell your stories, we’ll listen and force you to move the shame to where it belongs–on f**ktard.

mary
mary
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Welcome Willow, please share as soon as you feel ready. The great sanity saving thing about this site is that we all KNOW what being chumped feels like. We all have good days and awful days…some of us are newly chumped and some of us are veterans…many of us have had similar experiences. Yes, the very things you think nobody else would understand someone on here will have been through.
Owning our chumpiness is the first step to realising that we are not unique, our cheater is not a special case, we are not the exception that proves the rule…its really quite common.
Read our stories and tell us yours…this is where to come when its 3am and sleep wont come and you feel like hell…somebody in the world will be here for you…big hugs from England.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  mary

Yes Willow, you are among the chumpiest of chumps here. Share when you are ready.

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago

I was Mighty this year!
First full year as a single parent, as ex moved overseas autumn of 2013
Traveled internationally with kids and drove on the other side of the road… Managed to not kill anyone!
Took a group of students overseas. I was the only non-student: stressful, but again, all survived.
I applied for promotion at work: a lot of effort to get the materials together; fingers crossed! The more I earn, the less the kids need ex’s money.
Kids and I rescued two cats from a shelter, mother and offspring. They have helped healed our souls; nothing better than a purring cat on your lap.
Daughter attempted suicide this autumn. She is physically healthy, and we are working to get her in a better mental state; she is NC with father.
Ex insisted that I meet the OWife and baby over the holidays. What did I find out? MEH. She is an afterthought (icing, ex demonstrated his true self at that meeting, though I doubt she noticed it. hee hee)

For those of you just joining Chump Nation… It truly gets better. I am 20 months post divorce finalization, 27 months post DDay.
I think I am finally at meh. Just take it day by day, and do not get discouraged when you find your self slipping.

sunshine
sunshine
9 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

You are SO mighty!!!!! 🙂 Big hugs to your daughter, she is mighty, too!

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago
Reply to  sunshine

Thanks, Sunshine! You are Mighty As well. You’re kids are lucky to have you. 🙂

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Ugh… YOUR kids. Time for breakfast 😉

kimmy
kimmy
9 years ago

I sold the marital home. I applied for a mortgage loan by myself and purchased my own place. Moved myself and two teenage daughters into our new home and made it ours! I am doing great as a single mom and loving my new (stress free) life! I hosted my very first Christmas party in our new home. I am coming up on my one year divorce anniversary in April and I cannot believe how far I have come and I am anticipating an even better year ahead!!!!!

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  kimmy

Way to go, Kimmy! I’ve read your posts and just hate your f-tard! So, just know you’re not alone in your distain for that douche bag. LOL! Love that you have a new home, and can make all your new loving memories in there. Here’s to kicking bootay in 2015! =D

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago

Thanks, auto correct… Should read: DISDAIN for that douche bag.

Very different from distain. =P

Friend
Friend
9 years ago

I survived! I haven’t missed a day of work. I shoveled some snow off an elderly man’s sidewalk. I made Golden Graham Smores, and I write in my journal. I am 3.5 years post d-day and I can look XH in the eyes. Of course he wears sunglasses all the time now (to hide his broken conscience).

Rich
Rich
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Is it smores or Shhhmores. 😉

Blown Away
Blown Away
9 years ago

I read my first book yesterday…”Unbroken”…doesn’t that just say it all!! It has been 9 months from DDay and 2 months from the divorce. I was a voracious reader and couldn’t concentrate on a single page. I consider this a huge step in moving forward for me….baby steps, right? It will come Chumps…concentrate on YOU.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
9 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

Not being able to read was actually one of the clues that I caught on to that my marriage was not all it needed to be. Walking on eggshells all the time does that to person

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

Me, three, about the reading. I’m finally dipping a toe back into non-self-help reading, and am enjoying it. PTSD messes with your concentration, for sure. I had never been a fidgety person, but… Maybe it helps that my friend sent me a graphic novel (“Fun Home” by Allison Bechdel), so that was a good, offbeat transition (also helps that it was an amazing story with beautiful graphics).

Live and Learn
Live and Learn
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Add me to the list. I have always been a huge reader. After he vanished, I just stacked newspaper, my beloved magazines and books. Couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was really starting to think I was developing dementia. Finally the concentration is starting to come back. Still cannot read a novel or long articles but it is definitely coming back.

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

Being able to concentrate enough to be able to read for pleasure again was such a sign to me that I was getting back to my true self. It’s the little things (that are really big, important things).

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  Doop

Ditto for me, too, BA and Doop. LOVED to read & as you both mentioned, just could not concentrate! Too many other things needed attention & energy.

Also gardening. (Can’t do now, as I no longer have a home / yard.) But, for 3 years in the middle of the terror, I did not plant my garden. That was soooo telling. And the first year was actually prior to D-Day. That was after 20+ years of doing a (small) garden or containers most years.

For me, it is the small things, just like you Doop, that I feel have been the big things for me.
I don’t have some of those immense trials or accomplishments that some of the chumps have. However, survival (as Friend mentioned) is a mighty accomplishment for many of us.

I do errands and chores for a couple of my older friends, including shoveling snow for my Land Lady. Did not think of those things as mighty, but I guess it is.

Us chumps just try to do those types of things for others, no matter what. But, yeah, doing for others did get pushed aside during the terror. So, to do for others really is mighty (& mighty important!)

Am drawing strength from this MIGHTY nation this morning!

ForgeOn, all you mighty ones! xoxoxox

minime1224
minime1224
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Wow ladies me too I couldnt listen to music in my car or my home after DD March 16th now it blasting all the time all over the place. I went back to watching TV well my soapies that I tape havent quiet gotten to sitting down and flicking channels. I hope to pick up knitting again and reading. I use to read all the time. Im actually gonna go pick out a book now and be mighty and read it just like you guys. One step at a time. Things come back to you slowly but surely. Hugs to all you Mighty ladies. xxxxx

SmmGood
SmmGood
9 years ago

1. Finally walked away from ex and went NC.
2. Am thriving at work (even with OW and ex there).
3. Graduated from medical school.
4. Currently interviewing for residency positions.
5. Forgave myself for not listening to my intuition sooner.
6. Living by myself for the 1st time and loving my studio apartment (this place saved me).
7. Made a bucket list because I am excited to be alive once again.
7. Finally feel joy, and it has been way too many years since my soul has felt this warmth!!!!

Thank you Tracy and CN for guiding me on this journey. I never wanted it, but there is a part of me that is grateful to have walked this road. I am a better person for surviving this hell. Peace and love in 2015!

ChumpsofHumanity
ChumpsofHumanity
9 years ago
Reply to  SmmGood

That is mighty ! Doesn’t it feel great to be FuckTard free?

LilyBart
LilyBart
9 years ago
Reply to  SmmGood

Wow. Chumpdom AND medical school? Seriously amazing.

Nicole
Nicole
9 years ago

I had a Mighty year – 2.5 years since separation from my cheater and 1.5 years officially divorced – and I am so grateful for all my blessings! I truly reached a state of “meh” about my Ex. He is a disordered, toxic individual and I know without a doubt that I am far better off “alone” than with him. (What does that really mean anyway…I have two amazing kids, family and friends that love and care about me…I’m not alone just because I am not married!) I have occasional flashes of being hurt all over again by him due to the way he manipulates and tries to control our teen sons, but I am totally NC with him so the hurt is deflected in a way – kind of like an annoying, dull pain in your back that quickly goes away when you adjust your position.

Mighty highlights:
–Got my oldest off to college and he had a great first semester!
–Moved (again) into a really great house – negotiated the lease all on my own and got an amazing deal for doing some “sweat equity” work on the overgrown yard. My youngest son said last month after I had pulled out all the Christmas decor from our old life and lovingly decorated that he finally felt at home for the first time since we had to move 2.5 years ago.
–Kept at it with my job and got a nice little end of year bonus that paid for my boys to get almost everything they wanted for Christmas.
–Started dating – just a little. Some of the dates were hilarious – one was creepy – and one I have gone out with several times and will just see where it goes. He’s a great guy – a widower (I knew his wife socially – she died tragically 3.5 years ago) – who truly loved and cherished his wife and has stepped up to the plate to be a wonderful single parent to their two children. Who knows were it will go? If nothing else, I can count him as a new and caring friend!
–Weathered finding out that my ex and the OW are engaged. I feel sorry for her. I really, truly do.
–Worked on forgiveness with my brother who has struggled with drug addiction for years and has stolen money and property from me and other members of our family. He is doing better and I am working on rebuilding my trust in him. I invited him to my home for Christmas and didn’t feel the need to count the silver after he left for the first time in years.
–Negotiated leasing a new car for my son and for myself – first new car I have had in 15 years (Ex always drove nice cars while I had whatever old clunker he didn’t want – last car he got me was a beat up van that some friends were going to have hauled away for junk while he drove an almost new camry…uggh…I will never be put that far down on the priority list by ANYONE ever again. I am way too mighty!!)

I could go on with lots of little victories, but you get the picture. Life goes on after divorce from a slimy cheater and it is a mighty life indeed.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Way to go, Nicole! You ARE mighty! Keep it up, girl. You’re modeling awesomeness for your kids like a true ass-kicking parent should. Woot! Here’s to an awesome 2015! =D

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago

After a year of diligent job hunting, I start my dream job today. It is ina field I have been trying to break into for years!!!!

love to all in Chump Nation.

x-Meh

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

You and your daugther have come through so much – many congratulations to you! What a way to start the year!

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Awwww, thanks guys! I am going to love it. I pick up DD from her winter adventures (not visiting Mr Fab), tomorrow. Then home – which is a teeny little rented place in a podunk town, but it is OUR teeny little rented place in a podunk town!!!!

Tuesday is coming, keep walking!!!,

x-Meh.

Idle hands
Idle hands
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

You rock!!! Power on, xoxo

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

SO great, Meh!! Cheers to your new career and to an amazing year for you! And thanks for the supportive advice you’ve given over the few months I’ve been reading here, very much appreciated.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Congratulations, Mehphista! New year, new job; does it get any better than that?

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

You are so brave, Mehphista. An inspiration!

Tessie
Tessie
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

You GO Girl….applause ….applause!!!!

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Congrats, Mephista!

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

wooo hoo!! Yay for you Mephista. I have been waiting for this news…I *knew* it would come. You are so awesome here, how could it not? (cribbed from you….) Meh-x

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Big accomplishment, Mehphista.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Glad to hear it Mehphista. Congratulations!

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Congratulations! Knock their socks off!

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

You go, Mehphista! Good for you!!

conniered
conniered
9 years ago

I am 4 months from DDay. I have primary custody of my son through 2 hours of mediation with STBXH), I have filed for child support, redecorated my room, took down photos and working on putting up new ones, I did a photo shoot of just me and my son for our Christmas cards this year, put my son in public school after homeschooling him and turned our school room into a “fun” room for him, I survived Christmas, signed up on Meet Up to make plans to have fun and meet nice people who share my interests. I am currently trying to negotiate a separation agreement with STBXH to address our financial situation. Pray that the “no drama” of him continues.

In this new year, I plan to start running again. I haven’t gone for a run since DDay (in August). I am attending church regularly, doing a daily devotional and praying for all the blessings that are still here and for new ones on the horizon. I also plan to be open for opportunities for fun and laughter.

Irish
Irish
9 years ago
Reply to  conniered

Conniered,
Not trying to derail thread, but how did you handle putting your son into public school??? I am facing putting my 4 children 13,11,9 and 7 whom I have homeschool their whole life, into school because their cheater father lost his first and is no longer paying court ordered child support. I am terrified to do it, but I will have to seek employment after being a SAHM for 14 years. My kids are also sad and upset. How did you do it? Thanks for any advice.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Irish

Irish–definitely go take a tour of the school/s your kids might go to. You may even be able to sit in on classes. It may be much better than you imagine. Sometimes when you’re scared of something, it helps to check the closet!

MrsVain
MrsVain
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Take your kids on a visit to the school they are going to go to also. it will take some fear out for them. show them around the school. where the bathrooms are and lunch room. how to get to their classrooms. where their locker is (even if it is in the classroom) and where the pickup/ bus is. kids stress out on not know where the bathroom is, and your kids havent had to ask that question before might be intimidating for them to have to ask. i am sure if you talk to the principle, explain that you want your kids to tour the school, they will be willing to accommodate you. maybe the teacher will be willing to met with you after school so she/he can met with your child and show him where he will sit, etc.

i do this every year with my kids. my oldest told me after she graduated that it really helped her when she was younger because she would be so freaked out at where these things were before school started. she said she was always ready on the first day of school because those little things were taken care of she was able to enjoy the day without stressing. my 2 youngest boys have never said anything but this year (when i was trying to stick my head in the sand) both of them reminded me that we needed to go to their school the day before school started. So i am sure this helps them also. we do a walk around the whole school, go from the office to their classroom, met the teachers, find where they will sit and where their lockers/baskets/cubbies are, find the bathrooms, find the library and lunch rooms. find the playground. find how to go out to where i will pick them up or where they will get the bus.

another thing you never had to worry about, but make sure you dont list your ex on the pick up sheet. in fact, if he is not to pick them up for any reason, make sure you make the school understand that. take your custody agreement so they can put it in your kids records. i had to put my kids on a no contact list. seriously never knew the school had that precaution. but after XSIL just walked into my youngest classroom and took pictures of him (to send to dear old dad) i made sure that NOBODY has access to my kids at school again. this includes my own people (my mom, sister, etc) but it is better this way. if XH or anyone tries to access my kids, i get a phone call first. So be sure you make these kinds of arrangements for your kids, especially if you are worried that XH will kidnap them. not trying to scare you against public schools, just trying to warn you to make the precautions BEFORE it happens. the schools are actually really good about this and understand (you wont believe how many kids are in this situations, sadly) but if you dont tell them then they dont know.

good luck. your kids will be okay. i bet they adjust faster then you do.
hugs to you.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Irish

Irish, school counselors are a great resource. Go in beforehand and talk to the counselor, and ask to meet with their teachers to explain the situation. Some teachers will assign a buddy to accompany your children as they go throughout their day. This will give them someone to sit by at lunch, play with at recess, etc. Expect some of your kids to transition well and others to have a rough time. My first son cried every day for about a week but then he finally adjusted. My second son adapted like a breeze. It just depends on how easily they adjust to new situations. From my own experience I can tell you that I had to move to a new school in the middle of my junior year in high school, and had been with the same kids since 1st grade. I thought I was going to die, but after the move I adapted well and learned many new things. Overall it was a positive experience.

conniered
conniered
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I will add here that I did speak with the guidance counselor about talking to my son right after I told him the truth. She shared that information with his teacher and that was great. However, she used a damn kids book about divorce that about made me hit the ceiling written by Marc Brown called Dinosaurs Divorce. Horrible. So when you talk to the guidance counselor ask specific questions about how they talk to kids dealing with divorce.

I will tell you that my son LOVES the after school program!! I was shocked! Who knew! He stays after school about every Wednesday because his friend stays after school those days. That is really awesome. I sometimes use that time after work, before I pick him up, to do some grocery shopping or make phone calls to attorneys or or things related to the divorce or custody or whatever so he doesn’t have to hear it.

And like I said, it’s been a great experience so far. Being a homeschool mom will make you a vigilant and involved parent as your kids transition. Just be positive for them and give them reassurance and support. And lots of hugs.

conniered
conniered
9 years ago
Reply to  Irish

Wow Irish. That is just so heart-wrenching. I had no choice really. I had been working at night and homeschooling during the day. When DDay happened, school had been in session for 2 weeks. I had talked to my neighbor about the schools and she told me which one my son would go to. I called the school directly and asked about registration requirements and the bus schedule. I had to show proof of address and fill out some forms. Later, they asked for attendance records (haha) and test results for his school file. He also needed a few state-required immunizations. He was actually excited about going school and he was “ready” academically. He is doing well and I keep in contact with his teacher and the main office when I need to. It is a great small little school. I feel truly blessed that it has gone so well. We have been proactive in setting up play dates with new friends…like we did when we homeschooled. We still read together and I help him with his homework each afternoon so I am still “teaching” but not so intensely. We did not have a lot of outside activities at that time so that was fortunate.

It will be an adjustment for your family but it’s not the end of the world. It really isn’t. I will pray for a smooth transition. It could be a blessing in disguise.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  conniered

For all you home schooling mom, I am public school mom and want to assure you that there are wonderful people in public school. There are wonderful, creative, thoughtful, kind kids and an equal number of teachers. My kids have thrived in public school. Now I will tell you that I am very particular about who their teacher is and who they hang with, but it can be done. More over, they will be challenged. They will have to work on their discernment skills as to who is a good person and who is not. (Given our level of discernment with our husbands, that is a great skill to learn early.) They maybe challenged academically, again not a bad thing as the work a day world does not take prisoners. Generally jobs go to the best and brightest as do college placements. I have had two kids come out of the public school system and they have done fabulously in life, one getting a PhD in Switzerland and the other married and with a great job at U of W who travels all over the world. The younger is kick ass too. So don’t worry. As you trust your husband SUCKs. Trust that your kids are wonderful, intelligent, throughtful people and they will find and attact similar types of kids. They can go out and be MIGHTY too.

conniered
conniered
9 years ago
Reply to  conniered

One of the biggest things I forgot…after DDay happened, I told my 7-year-old son the truth about why Daddy wasn’t coming back. Daddy has a girlfriend and he is married to me so we are getting divorced. He will never think our divorce was his fault. Ever. I live with integrity and honesty every day.

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
9 years ago

Single greatest accomplishment of 2014…legally divorced!!! I also finished painting my own house, adopted a dog, went on a blind date with an amazing man who treats me my daughter and I so great, paid off my credit cards, enforced my boundaries while giving zero fucks, de friended cheaters family and friends that “support” him, made new friends, survived Christmas Eve without my child even though I wept for her, hosted Thanksgiving. I’m so proud of myself!!!

Doop
Doop
9 years ago

Very mighty!

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago

Yeah, everyone!!

My progress? I:
-just completely ignored a text from dipsh*t to make sure I don’t put any identifying information on any on-line divorce support sites I am on [shh–no one knows me, right?]

-fended off an email yesterday from one of my main supports who had written some arguments for reconciliation

-adopted 2 shelter dogs over the holidays, including a deaf/blind 10-year old dog who was scheduled for euthanasia

-am finally over the hump (I think) of emotional recovery, 3.5 months after D-day

-developing a better relationship with both daughters now that we do not have to alter our behavior to avoid snide comments & criticism from cheaterpants

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Way to go Tempest!

Danabern7
Danabern7
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, good for you for fending off an email from supporter who wanted you to reconcile ( I’ve been reading your blog). You are mighty
for adopting those dogs,especially the deaf/blind one.i’m sure they will repay you in kind,as they know you have saved them,so they,in turn,will save you. You are mighty!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Way to be strong, Tempest. Congratulations.

matilda
matilda
9 years ago

Dday was 3 years 7 mos 26 days ago.
WH stopped his A, & has been going to MC with me ever since. He is trying, but since he has been so clueless for his entire life, I don’t know if he will ever get it.
I decided to try to R until we have an empty next (2 1/2 years to go.)
Some days I think we have a chance, on others I feel like packing my bags.

Because of political climate, I have been feelingvery trapped professionally.
So, I applied & am waiting to hear if I got into a grad program —intend to change my career to one that I will enjoy more if I am alone for the rest of my life!

Resa
Resa
9 years ago
Reply to  matilda

Good for you, Matilda! You would never know if you could R if you didn’t give it a shot.

matilda
matilda
9 years ago
Reply to  Resa

Thank you Resa. After Dday, we chumps are between a rock & a hard place, aren’t we.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago

I’ve been going to sushi bars, restaurants and movies, by myself! I get a paper and my reading glasses have a little sake or glass of wine and eat without having to hear the other party ramble on about himself through the entire meal. I LOVE IT. The servers couldn’t be more gracious.

I joined a ukelele open mic “meet up” to learn more about the instrument and the first meet up is tonight.

My goal is to learn, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.

ChumpDad
ChumpDad
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

If you haven’t found it already, check out Ukulele Underground. Their website and YouTube page have many how-to videos and if I remember correctly, Somewhere Under The Rainbow was one of them… In IZ style.

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Good for you, CJ! I’ve also been enjoying things as a single person that I had previously only thought I enjoyed as a couple. It’s a new and neat feeling and has given me a nice fresh perspective. I also have the goal of playing out (guitar) at some point this year, which I’ve never done. Cheers to you and a musical and beautiful year enjoying this single life! Empowering!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago

You go UC. It’s empowering!

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I went out to eat alone for the first time right after I discovered the affair. I was hurting but damn I loved it! It’s so empowering even though it can seem so insignificant to the rest of the world.

maleficent
maleficent
9 years ago

WithBraveWings no disrespect intended but WTF how did you manage to keep any food down so soon after that initial trauma??? 2nd year in and I still dry wretch :((( I couldn’t drink or feed myself forever!!! 🙁
I guess my mightiness is consciously each day remembering to feed myself and hydrate otherwise it’s back in Emergency on drips for me … I can’t believe my life has become this 🙁

with brave wings
with brave wings
9 years ago
Reply to  maleficent

Maleficent- i should not have said that i went out to eat RIGHT after discovering the affair, lol, NO. I lost 22 pounds in 3 weeks from not being able to eat. A few months after the discovery, I ate alone at a restaurant.

Unfortunately, we all know your pain, but I promise you that it IS finite.

Thankful
Thankful
9 years ago
Reply to  maleficent

Maleficent,

I am not sure how far you are from d’day. But I encourage you it will get better. Two months after d’day while caring for my youngest in hospital, one of the nurses took me aside and encouraged me heavely to eat. I was relying on coffee from the local coffe house to get me through because the thought of food made me nauseas. We had been in hospital for weeks at this point.
In 2015 I encourage you to take care of you. I struggled when people started to say this to me 12 months ago as I considered it to be selfish.
But you are the most important thing in your would right now. Especially if you have kids because if something happens to you what happens to them.

Look after you. And be mighty.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago

Who else out there has had a near meltdown when you are asked ‘seating for two …..or ONLY ONE?’. Those words can bring you to your knees. I

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
9 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Hesatthecurb, try going to a city where you don’t know anybody. I’ve gone to “the city” alone for a day of shopping on several occasions. I’m finding it more and more comfortable to eat alone. I take a deep breath, stand up tall, and walk up to the host/hostess with a warm smile, and tell them “one for lunch please.” Try this, and remember, nobody knows you. They can only judge you by what they see… so project confidence. If the host asks you again, tell him/her confidently in your normal tone that you are dining alone… don’t whisper it; this should help your confidence. By the way, the first thing I do when I sit down is order a glass of wine. By the time my meal arrives I feel perfectly comfortable. I’ll bet there will be plenty of other women watching you and wishing they had the confidence to do the same!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  ItsAJourney

Thanks, Journey–great advice for everyone! As a matter of fact, I have gotten in the habit of beating the seating hostess to the punchline before she can even ask. I am finally beyond the anguish of doing things on my own but it’s been a LONG time coming.

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

No meltdowns, but a few days ago checking into a hotel, which was also having a NYE dinner which I attended, the desk clerk asked me no fewer than 3x about being alone: just one room key? Just one for dinner? Would you like a second room key?

Dude! I’m here on my own. One for dinner. One room key. Now please give it to me so I can go to my room!

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

Ha, ha, I always get 2 room keys because I lose them. And just smile and say “one, please.” And if you need space to work, don’t settle for a teensy table in a traffic path if the place is near-empty.

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

ExpatChump, you should have shown desk dude just one middle finger!

SpinxMoth
SpinxMoth
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

For you, Calamity. I stayed in Hawai’i some years ago, made a lot of friends there–I never got to see Brudda Iz sing in person, as he had passed a few years prior—but the story of this man is the epitome of mightiness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z26BvHOD_sg

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  SpinxMoth

Oh, he da man ain’t he! Thanks, Spinxmoth.

Inspired me to get a uke.

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  SpinxMoth

A great fan of IZ, all schools should play his music IMHO. My babies, toddlers, and preschoolers have always loved his music. We do free art by it. Bought an IZ album for my son for Christmas too. 🙂

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  SpinxMoth

He is amazing, I’ve also admired him for years and wish I could have met him in person but so grateful for his beautiful spirit and the music and joy he left behind for us all.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Did you happen to read the column in the New Yorker about William Macy (actor), who’s a huge ukulele aficionado? It was really charming! — I myself bought a concertina (those tiny accordion things) and plan to learn to play. Fun to think about!

MightyMite
MightyMite
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Amanda Palmer’s “Ukelele Anthem” makes me smile and want to learn to play. Just saying ukulele makes me smile! I go to pubs for appetizers and good beer by myself occasionally. I take a magazine and have a great time! Good for you!!

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  MightyMite

I hate to be the turd in the punchbowl here, but have had much personal contact with AFP, and she’s a Narc of the worst imaginable degree, a cheater, a ripper-off of other people’s work, including high school kids for crying out loud!, a cheater (an avowed Monogamish advocate)..although it’s her marriage, and if they are both ok with it, wevs. But, she’s not good people. Just needed to pop in and say that. Sorry for the thread jack. Deep sigh.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Namedforvera–the AFP is the turd in the punchbowl. Good thing that punch is not good for you; switch to lemonade or tea. Live your own life and let her f**k up hers . Monogamish indeed–I suspect the Karma bus is headed her way.

Margaret
Margaret
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Cool, I’ve been learning ukulele too! My kids gave me one last Mother’s Day!

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

CalamityJane–you are one of my many heroes on this site!

Practice that ukelele; Karma Express needs accompaniment for the Cheater songs she has written if we have a ChumpaCon.

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

So I need to do a ukulele arrangement for my FU cheater songs? 🙂

Blown Away
Blown Away
9 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Yes!

Blown Away
Blown Away
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

You made me smile big time CJ! I played the uke in high school….many years ago. You have planted a seed. My song goal would be The Muppets “Rainbow Connection!” See YouTube…Muppet Movie, Kermit and the RC…I love that song!! It makes me cry every time. We chumps will get “to the other side!”

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

BlownAway, that song is great. I’m also learning that one, Over The Rainbow, and Wonderful World along with a few more classic / hard rock songs on guitar within these next few months. Nothing like an instrument to take your mind off of troubles, eh? Picking up the guitar changes my mood pretty quickly from low to higher. Pretty reliable!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Fun! I go to movies alone, but really need to work on eating alone. The Uke class sounds like so much fun.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Start slow–try a semi-fast food chain like Chipotle or Panera where you order at the counter and there are lots of people eating alone or a diner. Do lunch or breakfast at an off -peak time. If you like to work on the computer, try a place with wi-fi. I take my iPad everywhere and read on my Kindle app or take my laptop and write or do work if I’m waiting for food. Relax. Eat slowly. Enjoy your food. I eat alone all the time. I’ve always done lunch alone at least 2 or 3 days a week, even when I’ve been in a relationship. I’d eat in the college dining hall more often (all you can eat, massive choice, healthy vegs) but sometimes My introverted side needs down time with myself. Start slow and remember that no one is making negative judgments because you aren’t in a herd or a couple. One thing I’ve done is make an effort to look good, dress well, be engaged with the people taking orders, etc. If people look at you at all it will be to note that you are poised and confident enoigh to move arind in the world as an individual. I also go to major local events, the baseball park, live theater and concerts by myself. If I want to do it and no one else is available, I go and have a great time.

MMargaret
MMargaret
9 years ago

When my cheating ex dragged me around the floor, then sat me down and ripped off my wedding rings in a ridiculous accusation that I was cheating on him (oh the irony), I went as limp as a rag doll and let him while inside I turned to steel and called it the end of our marriage as I said to myself, “I am not what he says I am, and even if I was, I do not deserve to be treated like this”. He never got me back though it took some time to leave.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  MMargaret

MMargaret–steel is forged in fire (which is what these cheaters dish out emotionally). Good for you!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  MMargaret

You’re fierce! Congratulations!

mary
mary
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Wow, is nothing unique on here….mine done that too after DDay 1 many years ago. Actually ripped my ring off when he was having an affair himself!

SheChump
SheChump
9 years ago
Reply to  mary

“Wow, is nothing unique on here….mine done that too after DDay 1 many years ago. Actually ripped my ring off when he was having an affair himself!”

How violent and piggish! My ring was so tight to get over the knuckle (so it wouldn’t twist on the finger) would have been brutal to yank off. You’d need a lot of olive oil. This is so violent to hear, not to mention cruel – just when you think you’ve heard it all. And THEY were the ones cheating. Not sure it gets any worse than that. (yes, it does, of some here)

The FIRST thing the X wanted when it came to choosing pieces of ‘art’ from the home – he wanted MY wedding ring.
Can’t help it but, not only me and my attorney, but most of my family and friends got a huge belly laugh out of that. The gall is unbelievable.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  mary

An anecdote about rings and affairs: early on with the gigolo, we were out having a romantic early afternoon drink. I noticed he was wearing a fashion ring on his ‘ring finger’. I inquired and he turned his blinding smile on me and said he had wanted to broach us wearing ‘commitment rings’. I was thrilled cos I really missed my beautiful wedding band after my divorce. We cooed and cuddled and decided we would go forward and I would wear my band and he would wear one of his several ‘fashion’ rings–“We are a committed couple, Baby!” he smoozed.

Soon thereafter he mentioned he had a business function later that evening that ‘would only take a few hours.’ As I recall he returned FAR more than a ‘few hours’ later. His other woman eventually told me that the very same night, he was with HER and broached the idea of THEM wearing ‘commitment rings’.

Fucktard!

PS–almost immediately upon meeting, he called me and every one of his OWs ‘Baby’–that way he didn’t call us by the wrong name.

Double Fucktard!

Cerise
Cerise
9 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Exactly like my jerkwad! Called me “sweetheart” almost instantly, never used my actual name, and proposed way too soon that we wear commitment rings….but rather than buy new ones, just use old ones that we like. His choice of ring? His “old” wedding band! You can’t make this shit up.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  Cerise

Cerise—he was delighted that I wanted to wear my wedding band…. With its three large diamonds, it gave everyone the impression that HE HAD PAID FOR and bestowed it upon me. He did have tons of fancy clothes/shoes and looked the part but the truth of the matter is Fucktard didn’t have a pot to piss in or a cent to his name. Once I got him evicted, his brother came halfway across the country to supervise (at my insistence) his move out. All his possessions were put into a storage unit. After the 3 months rent his brother paid for in advance were expended , everything was sold for pennies on the dollar as Fucktard couldn’t pay for it… HAHAHAHAHEEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHA

More evidence he’s a SUPERJERK—-his last call before I totally adhered to no contact…….he was telling me he missed me. Then he said he missed my CAR. I asked ‘what did you say?’. He repeated it. CLICK! END OF CONVERSATION AND BEGINNING OF DEDICATED NO CONTACT!!!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Six months ago I would have repeated all the stuff I thought represented mightiness such as losing 70 pounds, swimming six days a week, volunteering, but in the last several weeks I can see that I am entering a new phase and it’s such a relief. I never thought I’d get here, I really didn’t.

I guess I don’t have enough confidence to say I’m at Meh, but I can see it in the not too distant future. Just writing that last sentence makes me feel mightier than anything else I’ve accomplished in the 14+ months since d-day.

I was in such a co-dependent relationship that even though I knew we were wrong for one another, I still wished this had never happened and we were still together. I don’t wish that anymore. I’m no longer just surviving. I’m beginning to live.

2015 really will be my year.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

ML, you are just scratching the surface of your mightiness. And don’t discount that 70 pounds (woohoo!!), daily eercise, and volunteering. You are building a new life the right way, by committing to your health on all fronts. I predict that there will be a day when you see the betrayal as a horrifically painful but productive turning point in your life, (((big hugs)))

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

sorry for the iPad typing errors…

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

You bet it will! You’re rockin’ it lately ML. All that newfound confidence is going to help you get that job you want.

LilyBart
LilyBart
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

I think you’re right, ML. 2015 will be your year. It’s amazing how much you’ve grown over the last few months. I’ve enjoyed keeping tabs with your progress on your blog. Inspiring!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Moving, you are mighty and I know 2015 holds great things for you.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Because it’s been such a struggle for you, this warms my heart more than I can say. You ARE Mighty, ML!! I’m so excited about your new life. You clearly have so much wonderfulness, I think you’re gonna be have just an awesome awesome life!!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

ML, you are so mighty!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Oh, and I NEVER would have gotten here w/o the support from this website — you never gave up on me. xox

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

ML–my sense as a relative newbie (October) is that you give more than you take. Thank you for helping the rest of us limp toward recovery!!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Aww, Tempest. Thank you. xox

Lelibelle
Lelibelle
9 years ago

Bought a dressing table and new curtains for my bedroom now that my hoarding ex has moved out with all his crap. For the first time in 27 years I don’t have to look at a heap of his clothes on the bedroom floor (which he expressly forbade me to tidy away).

D-day was only 3 months ago so still feeling very fragile.

conniered
conniered
9 years ago
Reply to  Lelibelle

Lelibelle, I did the same thing. I bought all new bedding and painted my room. Still waiting for extra money to put up curtains. He never wanted to put up curtains but I think they are pretty and functional. It felt so good to make that space my own. I was feeling more fragile then as well. It was almost unbearable to be in “our” bedroom knowing what he had done. Now, my bedroom is my favorite space in the house. I am a little over 4 months from DDay. Hang in there. It does get better. Hugs.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Lelibelle

Good for you for making your bedroom space YOURS and doing some things to take care of yourself in those early, so very difficult days. That is mighty.

lisahaight1969
lisahaight1969
9 years ago

Paid for my half of the divorce in December ( yeah I know …) and should be free in 2015!

After BD in August of 2012, and years of not believing MOW was just a friend ( and a few others ) I went back to school that fall and graduated with top marks.

I am now working in my field, Hold down a small part time job on top of that, co parent with a fucktard and have a decent ( small but mighty ) older house and nice car.

All of this after he financially destroyed us with 7 years worth of school, no assets left and a pile of debt.

If I can put one foot in front of the other in a strange city where I still don’t really know anyone – you can to.

It does get better – and if not really better, different in a good way.

I started dating again – but realize I am looking for my equal. Not somebody who I have to carry or who brings me down. I don’t need a man to be Mighty!
But it would be nice one day 🙂

conniered
conniered
9 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

lisahaight1969, I hope to start dating. I don’t feel ready yet (DDay was in August) but I think about it all the time. I loved being a couple. But like you, I will be looking for my equal and someone I don’t have to carry financially or in any other way. All our marital debt is in my name!! The things we chumps do for those we love and are committed to. Well, never again. Lesson learned. Good luck to you!

lisahaight1969
lisahaight1969
9 years ago
Reply to  conniered

You too 🙂

Cindy
Cindy
9 years ago

-Packed up and moved out of our marital home all on my own (I had movers for the heavy lifting, but I did the packing – except for his shit, which I left in a neat pile in the garage). My ex was also a hoarder, so this took some time.

-Hired a lawyer to deal with harassing ex, who was refusing to pay half of the household expenses after I moved out of the house. (Ex stinks of entitlement, some how, he cheats and I’m the one who should pay all?). He would just forward all bills to me in an envelope. No note. Also, he thought harassment only works one way, my attorney was happy to explain to him that he was harassing me and that for someone the purported to not want anything to do with me, (he and OW filed restraining orders when I revealed their great love) he was engaging me with contact over what is legally half his responsibility. Why?!! Haven’t heard from him since, and our house sold in July. I am fucktard free!!!

-I signed up for a half marathon (cheater ex and OW are runners – if they can do it, so can I!) I’ve been training for two months and run in May. Prior to this, I’ve not run a step as an adult.

-Had a little relationship over the summer. It was empowering to feel wanted! (Ex made me feel like I had cooties!). Unfortunately, it didn’t work out, but it was fun!

-I’ve been in IC for 1.5 years. IC told me I’m healthy enough to have a healthy relationship. A friend set me up with a great guy that walks the walk. I’m very excited about my future for the first time in a long time!

I made it through the rain! You will too!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Good for you with the running! i’ve been a runner for 30+ years, and though I’m no longer fast as I was, I still enjoy. A great way to burn off the negative fumes. Remember, “the race goes not only to the swift, but to those who keep on running.”

Cindy
Cindy
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Thanks NWB! I think it is all about the endurance. After what I endured with the ex cheating, this kind of challenge promises to be rewarding! Happy New Year to you!

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Another runner here. Ran my fastest marathon to date 11 months after DDay. And I felt truly mighty!

Cindy
Cindy
9 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

Awesome expatChump! You are MIGHTY!!! That’s amazing!!

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago

Hello chumps and best 2015 wishes to all of you! Almost three years since I uncovered the five year long affair, about a year and a half away from divorce.

Yesterday, ran into the ex and her “soul mate”” (yes… the same guy) at the grocery store, chatted about the weather and waved goodbye. I was the model of politeness and humor. My heart rate might have momentarily spiked, but the POWER OF MEH was with me, and this was a true test of how far I have come. I observed them as a severely flawed, self obsessed duo, my base gut feeling was simply “ick”.

I cannot tell you how much sleep I lost, and many brain cycles I wasted on obsessing about them over the last few years. Just to see them as humans, in the flesh buying papertowels was an amazing MEH revelation.

Schadenfreude fun fact: the ex lost her license for a while due to a DUI, so he has to drive her around to do everything.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Chumpion, so proud of you! My worst fear is bumping into cheater and whoever his current flavor is (there’s no specific one, just anyone and everyone). My one and only panic attack was walking through the mall last Christmas with my daughter when the thought crossed my mind that it could happen. It didn’t and hasn’t but it’s still my worst fear. I’ve bumped into him alone several times and that’s bad enough – ha ha!! You are mighty!

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

ByeByeCheater, I hear you about the panic attacks. Two and a half years ago just the thought of bumping into the the self obsessed narcissist my equally impaired ex-wife had been secretly seeing for years would actually give me a true panic attack. i once saw him from a distance in a parking lot with his wife who he cheated on (long story) and it threw me off for a whole day. I wish meh could have kicked in immediately so I did not have to waste my time being such a basket case during that time.

I think yesterday bumping to my ex and her “soul mate” (her words) and feeling like I was happier than either of them felt pretty fucking good.

All you mighty chumps are an inspiration.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

I hope over time I’ll get their too Chumpion. Right now he lives about 10 min from me so of course I will bump into him. He works 45 min from here so I don’t understand why he doesn’t move closer to his work so he can have his ho workers over during the day instead of doing them in the parking lot or the nearby cheap hotel. I so want him far, far away from me!!

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Whoa, Chumpion!! That is Meh–you could converse with cheater & OM in the grocery store without hitting them with a bag of flour.

And Schadenfreude–a favorite word (and concept)!

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,

The meh was a long process. I live in a small community and do the same recreational activity as the “unholy union” as my friends call the couple. I have been exposed to them before and have developed some immunity over time. Initially seeing him was enough to throw me off for a few days.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Ablsolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE “unholy union” HA HA HA HA HA

i better get to work……

Pupsticle
Pupsticle
9 years ago

Managed to serve 80 guests & staff mighty Xmas & New Years dinners, while feeling like crawling under the blankets.
Made a nasty fall of my horse and did not dare riding for a while. But I’m back up there and enjoying it.
Eish, I admire your courage and strength for pressing on towards mightiness (I say this from under the blankets, where I ended up after major setback yesterday).

SharkChump
SharkChump
9 years ago

I gained back 5 of the 12 pounds I lost post D-Day from enjoying too much holiday food. It’s nice to like food again.

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
9 years ago
Reply to  SharkChump

I lost 22 pounds in 3 weeks and went to a size 0. I looked so sick because, well, I was. I hated hearing the horrible “you’re so skinny” comments. Well, no shit. Today I weigh more than I ever have in my whole entire life and it’s great!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  SharkChump

Me, too — Even my friends have remarked they’re happy I’m back to eating again! (I am, too — food can be so DELICIOUS!! I forgot, there for a while!!)

Kelli
Kelli
9 years ago

Yay and hooray! A new year begins, and I am cheater free! It’s been almost a year since we split, and 8 months since D-day.

I’m mighty–I don’t mind saying it!

I filed for divorce from the dirty, stinky cheater while I was unemployed, with a 2 and 3 year old, and an over-drawn checking account. He hadn’t given me any money (and still hasn’t, since every court date I schedule, he finds a way to weasel out of due to ‘schedule conflicts’–meaning he won’t pay his attorney).

In the months that followed, I had some ups and downs. I was offered an amazing job that I absolutely love. But, I also was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the cervix, due to an HPV infection, courtesy of Cheater McCheaterson. I had surgery, and so far, so good.

I got to keep my house. I’ve been able to fix it up the way I have always wanted to. Each room is a bright and beautiful color. Each time I walk into a room, I smile.

I have learned how to mow the yard, kill pests, and even got my 9′ Christmas tree out of the attic all by myself.

I’m happy, and I take care of myself. As a result, I can fit into my jeans that I wore way back in college. There’s nothing like wearing 10 year old jeans from American Eagle Outfitters when you’re in your 30s!

I’ve experienced the kindness of so many, both family and friends, as well as strangers. A neighbor of mine that I had never even met paid to have my tree limbs pruned after a big storm. He said he watched me push-mow my yard each week all summer and simply wanted to help me out.

I’ve started a second graduate degree. I get to travel. I even get to buy cute shoes again, because I don’t have to share my money to fund someone else’s hooker habit.

I’ve learned who is really a friend, and who really isn’t. Sometimes, those people who aren’t true friends may even be family. It’s a tough lesson, but one that I’m glad I learned. I’ve also learned how to be a better friend.

And, finally, I learned to accept that life is a lot like the video game Tetris: Some people get to level one or two, and they quit. They never do anymore. They never advance. They are happy just letting things stack up. My brother is one of these types of people. He has a meltdown if his yard man has to come on a Monday instead of a Friday. The worst thing that has ever happened to him was when his toddler had an allergic reaction to an ant bite, and he had to go to the ER to get Benadryl.

Me? I am a Level 99 Master! Send all the little crazy-shaped blocks you want my way, and I can maneuver them into a manageable spot. I have 2 preemies, one born 14 weeks early and the other born 8 weeks early. They are 10 months apart in age–which was certainly not planned. My oldest has some developmental delay, and doctors are starting to talk about possible cerebral palsy. She’s brilliantly smart, so I really don’t care that she can’t jump yet, runs kind of funny, and has some physical limitations right now. That’s why we have PTs and OTs.

Together, my daughters and I can take on the world. Because we are MIGHTY!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

You take mighty to a whole new level. (See, it’s not just in tetris!) Rock on, fellow chump mama. You’re doing it right.

Kelli
Kelli
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

You and me both, especially since he owes me about $20,000 in arrears. That’s before property settlements for the hidden 401Ks, a year’s worth of bills he refuses to pay, and a personal injury suit. Next court date is January 22nd. I think he is pretty much at his limit of stalling. Time to pay the piper. I’m glad I’m the piper!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Love the Tetris analogy! You rock!

Maree
Maree
9 years ago

Mine is not that mighty but at 60 (63 in 2 weeks), I bought my apartment and moved myself in, then set about furnishing it the way I wanted it. I eat and sleep much better than I ever have and I lead an authentic life without any more drama in it. I have made some very nice new decent friends and I am learning about furniture restoration and I will be following that up with upholstery and interior designing courses. I don’t know about other Chumps but have any of your ex’s turned around and made it look like to the world that they were the ones Chumped? Mine has played that card beautifully and I have been painted as crazy. I know I am not but it still hurts me very much to hear that. In fact my own son said I was and that was the deepest cut of all. My ex has fooled nearly everyone but people are slowly learning the truth.

Friend
Friend
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree,
My Ex did the same thing to me. It is called gaslighting, and it is so cruel.

Kira
Kira
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree,

I’m pretty sure X has painted it that way to some of his friends/family (that he was Chumped), when I wouldn’t take him back after Schmoopie dumped him and he kept telling me all the things he was going to do to prove he changed, and then did not a single one, so I started dating someone and he flipped. The sad part is, I was willing to give him a chance, if he would have just done one thing of all the things he said he’d do. And I waited for that chance for a hell of a lot longer than I should have.

BUT, those people are the same people who didn’t have a problem at all with him leaving his family for a much younger married woman, so they are horrible POS’s, same as him. A few of the people who tried to be Switzerland initially, seem like they have had realization that X is a POS when he’s pulled some of his nasty tricks on them and quit sparkling.

Pupsticle
Pupsticle
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, mine did the same: convincing me and the people around us that I’m crazy. But whereas others were on my side first he slowly but surely makes them see it is all my fault and he is the actual victim. I am losing more and more people. Sometimes it’s hard to find the strength to stand up against this.

Maree
Maree
9 years ago
Reply to  Pupsticle

Pupsticle, I agree with you. Having to stand up day after day is very hard but it has to be done. The people you are losing are not worth your friendship or time. I have slowly but surely eliminated everyone who has taken the ex’s side. He was raised by an Oscar winning performing mother and boy was he taught well. Having said that, if you met him you would think he was just lovely. Our daughter (35) and our son (32) think he is just the best person even though they know he is having sex with teenagers. He has to get his jollies somehow they said, so it is acceptable to them. They have his morals – NONE in other words.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

One day everyone will see who the real “mf’r” is because YOU are NOT THERE to spackle.

Who they “really are” will become very obvious….patience, my chumps, patience.

Thankful
Thankful
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I was told by my phsyc that I would loose friends over what has happened with STBX. And it is true.

In this sort of separation the shit sinks to the bottom and the cream rises to the top.

And just think of all the new friends you get to make without their judgment.

missdeltagirl65
missdeltagirl65
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Yes, Maree, my (now X) husband did this too. I think it is pretty common, a form of projection. My best friend is going through this right now with her children. Her tween daughter buys daddy’s line of bull. Fortunately their young son doesn’t. But it is very painful. I told my friend to stop trying to convince daughter and just live her life.

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
9 years ago

I am 11 months post D-day. I finally realized that the man is manipulative. I saw a lawyer before Christmas and filled out the paperwork. Planning on filing later this month. I will probably loose the house and he promised me thst he would fight me for custody. Its going to be a long road ahead but I am mighty! I can do it!

ruggermom
ruggermom
9 years ago

Realized I can be the bigger person. Held an engagement party for oldest son and invited ex + guest, invited exMIL and ex BIL. ExMil called to see if she could bring a friend and if exBIL could bring his GF. I told her sure. exMIL always said I was her daughter after taking care of her and exFIL for years (she is blind, he had Alzheimers), but after her son emotionally abused me for years she never talked to me. ExBIL supported his bro during 3 year A, and encouraged ex not to worry about me or sons because “he just needs to be happy.” This still makes me want to puke.

Party turned out fantastic, they all sat in the corner staring at everyone and left early while my sons, sons fiancee and I stayed late, danced and closed the restaurant down. Never got a thank you from them.

After party, sons told me it will be a memory of a lifetime, and that their sperm donor slunk around the party looking hideously embarrassed.

Also rehabbed an old house (much of it alone), brought it up to code and and now have a small income as a landlord.

Getting the family home ready to put on the market after the wedding this summer. Still cleaning out his crap. Yep, another hoarder. What is with the prevalence of MLC and hoarders?

Started private pilot license training in 2014. Got back to the hobbies I love. Finding old beat up furniture and reinventing it. Back to target shooting and honed my skills at trap/skeet.

It was a very good year, and I plan on making 2015 even better.

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago
Reply to  ruggermom

Ruggermom, I love you calling your children’s father their “sperm donor”! You are mighty! And it makes me, puke, too, when my cheater’s apologists talk about how he needs to be happy. Barf.

Souplesse
Souplesse
9 years ago

7 months since D-Day, filed for divorce in Oct 14, granted decree nisi on 2 Jan 15, currently sorting our financial settlement pending decree absolute. Since D-Day, I have:

1. Redecorated bits of my marital home to my own liking since ex moved out. Got rid of those ugly cheesy cushions and mugs that my ex liked.
2. Became totally independent. Cooking and shopping for myself and my daughter, who spends 4 days a week with me. Arranged for childminder and school activities by myself. Helped daughter with school work. Did not depend on my selfish psycho ex for any assistance.
3. Managed and managing the separation and divorce proceedings, as ex was and is totally clueless. Went NC a few months back when I discovered that she was deflecting blame and had actually flown over to New York to meet her new beau (I had actually booked us a surprise trip to New York for our 10th anniversary last year but she declined to go after she got involved with her long distance boyfriend). She had already introduced our daughter to her new boyfriend (albeit on-line on Facetime) shortly after separation.
4. Helped my daughter to deal with the pain of separation. She’s not happy with it and is convinced that Mommy will come home after her new redneck beau across the pond in Hicksville, U.S.A. (who has 4 kids) dies. Bless her but Daddy ain’t gonna take cheating Mommy back.
5. Went on holiday in Dubai with daughter and had a wonderful time by ourselves.
6. Spend Xmas eve without my little girl, who was with her mother and her narcissistic and ungrateful family in France. Was a bit wrecked but survived and went to Rotterdam to see a friend. Had peaceful time.
7. Got myself a new car for my 6 year old’s school runs and excursions.
8. Completed my first century (100 miles) on my bike.
9. Finished with Gold in a subsequent sportive.
10. Cycled 80 miles across northern France.
11. Dated again after more than 18 years. Went speed dating which was rubbish. On-line dating was hit and miss. A lot of damaged and weird people out there. Currently seeing a wonderful single mom who is more mature, cool and fun. Not really sure where this will lead to but am taking things slowly and one step at a time.

I am basically getting my shit together and it is hard sometimes. I still wobble occasionally for having lost my “family”, especially when I see the hurt in my daughter’s eyes or when I see other happy families in the conventional sense, but I know I am and will be better off without the ungrateful, narcissistic cheating ex.

TheClip
TheClip
9 years ago

When I got rid of my biggest power tool AKA “The Idiot ” I was a little lost about home repair and yard maintenace. Luckily I now possess a Lowes credit card…thank you Lowes/Home Depot for your free classes…thank you internet /You tube for all the instructional videos….and thank you to my kid…who clapped and hollered YAHOO!!! when Mom fixed the leaky refrigerator water line…That day I was mighty on so many levels….and from this day forward…nobody mows my lawn but me.

Nicole S.
Nicole S.
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

That’s awesome! I’m going to work on that now! Thanks for the idea!

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago

I will just pick up and run with CL’s comment on showers.

It’s a very simple thing, but, taking a shower can make you feel SO much better. Sometimes I have to drag my ass in there, but, I feel a lot better afterward (and on those days where it’s so hard to get in – you’ll have to almost drag me out too!). It helps for feeling blue – and when you’ve got a cold or a related illness.

I’m not really a bath person; much more a shower person. But now I have also started taking baths at night just to soak for a few minutes in special salts. It helps relax me and also helps me sleep better (a night shower will help me sleep better too).

Hope that helps someone.

Nicole S.
Nicole S.
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

Been there! Just putting one foot in front of the other is difficult at first. I promise it gets better. That constant punched in the gut feeling will go away. It’s been almost 6 months for me and I’m much better. Maintain little to no contact and you will be in a much better place. Hugs to you!

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

I was there, OTH, your post made me laugh out loud. Some days are really hard…. Baby steps, yes!?! 🙂

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago
Reply to  Drew

Yeah – I had a rough weekend. My emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster.
Yep – baby steps for sure. I literally have to live day to day.

ByeToAllThat
ByeToAllThat
9 years ago

It’s been six weeks since the final D-Day. In that time, I have:

* gotten a raise
* gotten a promotion
* gotten a powerful new mentor at work
* had great times with my kids
* made good new friends
* had wonderful conversations with old friends
* extended my part-time side gig (teaching) for another semester
* found a beautiful condo and arranged for his parents to buy it outright for me and the kids
* made plans for decorating the condo exactly how I want it
* quit drinking
* started taking better care of my body
* dyed my hair red
* decided I don’t need a man to be happy
* decided I am way better off without that asshole

Meanwhile, the Slut is emotionally abusing him, and he’s increasingly jumpy and depressed. In the past I would have felt sorry for him. But now? Meh.

All in all, not a bad six weeks.

Chumped n well
Chumped n well
9 years ago

Hey ByeToAllThat!! You rock! Getting HIS parents to buy you n kids the condo – priceless!!

Casey
Casey
9 years ago

I started the year out by handling the Snowmaggen here in the midwest just fine. My driveway and sidewalks were clear, snowblower worked just fine and boys got to school just fine. 🙂 I had three large trees removed from my property, my cedar siding painting in the spring, had my gutters replaced and guards put on. Did plenty of landscaping – planted 10 smaller trees along the side of my property where the others were removed. Opened my pool by myself, closed it by myself. My stepdad (30 years in my life) died around Easter. I managed to handle all of his affairs, sell his house and belongings that needed to go, take care of the funeral arrangements and so on. My house is being purged of things I no longer need and/or want and my boys are completely on board and have asked me to sell some of their toys as well. It is a major cleansing for the boys and I, which is very positive.

XH left youngest (under10) in a car during the summer for 6 hours – I contacted the authorities. It didn’t help much because ex is law enforcement but now it is on record. I also caught him in plenty of lies as all communication is via email and threw it right back at him as he has no legs to stand one since it is documented. I am no longer taking any shit from anybody. My backbone is stronger than ever. 🙂
My boys are doing well, I am doing well, and I will never, ever live that way again.

I love hearing all these positive stories. 🙂

Irish
Irish
9 years ago
Reply to  Casey

Wow! My Styx is ex law enforcement too. I live in a small town and whenever I call the pd, someone calls him to let him know. I have no respect anymore for cops.

Casey
Casey
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

At a shooting range, nonetheless….. Because you know, the fun shooting competion comes first. And just as long as son was given the IPad, all would be okay. Never mind that he was able to wander around a fucking shooting range by himself. What a douchebag…..
Damn right, I reported him. Sadly, they will do nothing because he is law enforcement. 🙁
Yes, son was okay, but sad that he thinks that being left in a car like that is “okay”.
Hope you feel better soon Tracy.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago

I used to think the Mightiest thing I did was, two days after the divorce (a mere 47 days) after XH dropped the bomb on my otherwise (so I thought) happy marriage, I discovered my 3 year old dog had a severe heart defect and needed a pacemaker to live. No vet cardiologists in Alaska (I’m a vet), so I flew her to Oregon and had a pacemaker put in. Six months later, she’s doing great.

I now realize her trauma came at an opportune time because after all the powerlessness of having XH rip my life out of my hands, with no intention of sparing so much as a backward glance, here was something I could finally DO! I could ACT and affect the outcome. And I did. And I only had the finances to do it because I’ve always lived a “save something for a rainy day” kinda life, squirreling my nuts away.

… But in hindsight, I think the Mightiest thing I did was to survive. I know we’ve all survived this, and so sometimes I have felt like a big wimp, like Why can’t I just get over this? People get cheated on and divorced all the time?? — So I don’t know if it’s my tendency toward depression, or my ACOA background, or what, but I think just showing up and going to work, and taking care of other people’s pets, and doing surgery and ultrasounds and navigating big complicated medical cases (I’m in a vet ER clinic), in hindsight, is pretty amazing. Because god knows, sometimes I felt like just a fragile shell of a human being, as if the slightest jostle would crumble me into a million tiny pieces. — And you know, sometimes it did. But only once at work, and I was good enough to save it for my lunch break, when I sobbed for an hour, then cleaned up and went right back to work.

The cumulative achievement of survival, dignity, perseverance — that’s what I feel mighty about.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

“I know we’ve all survived this, and so sometimes I have felt like a big wimp, like Why can’t I just get over this? People get cheated on and divorced all the time??”

People lose parents all the time, and it still hurts when we lose our own. People get cancer all the time, and it’s still awful when it happens to us or someone we love. People lose their homes all the time, and yet we would all cry if we lost ours. The presence of difficult things in other peoples’ lives does NOT negate the pain in your own life. Yours is just as real, just as valid, and just as painful. Let it be, and don’t try to bash the pain with the hammer of guilt, or the hammer of comparison. All it does is mush around the pain without getting rid of a bit of it.

Tessie
Tessie
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblo,…wise words….. you rock.

I am a former Alaskan, left when cheater ex forced a move down to the lower 48 because he wanted to be closer to his narc family. I still miss Alaska.. especially berry picking…….both my kids were born there. Sigh!
Enjoy some northern lights for me, Girlfriend.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWB, you are a survivor all right! And I’m going to survive! And we’ll all survive if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. xox

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblio, you nailed it and managed to make me a bit emotional just reading this.

“The cumulative achievement of survival, dignity, perseverance — that’s what I feel mighty about.”

…and as you should.

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I drive a school bus. A big one. I have 50 kids, K-5. They get a little chaotic sometimes but …

I love all my kids (high schoolers too), I love driving (always have), and love my bus.

I wish it paid more.

But it gives me the same days off as my child.

Irish
Irish
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

In the hill, that’s a job that I’m thinking of applying for so I can be off when my kids are. Good to know how much you like it! Gives me hope I can do it!

chjrn
chjrn
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I thought you were mighty when you said, “I’m a vet” then became more mighty when you flew your dog to Oregon for a pacemaker. You don’t know love until you experience four legged love.

Pupsticle
Pupsticle
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I like this NWBiblio, gives me the courage to press on.

Cindy
Cindy
9 years ago
Reply to  Pupsticle

Amen NWBiblio and well said!

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

SO much closer to Meh…mostly, I think I can see the exit. I love Tuesdays. I am nearly clear of the huge amount of consumer debt that was my gift from the divorce; Ex cannot even make a dent (he is a financial moron).

I have realized that I probably need elective back surgery, and I can’t sustain a house, even a teeny tiny one, so I’m going to try and get a condo where I can live with my bestest doggy friend, and not do exterior maintenance.

I started a consulting job in a new but related field, and hope to do more of it. It’s awesome to be recognized for my mad skillz. Also? I’ve jettisoned the crap parts of my career. No more museum arseholes for me! That’s huge.

I have a lovely strong bond with my lovely compassionate daughter. That’s the best thing ever.

And, am working on making peace with the fact that it’s going to take work to find a new life as a late 50’s single woman.

Chumpfor21
Chumpfor21
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Hey NFV

Sorry you’ll have to have surgery – it’s never fun. Sending you best wishes for healing and that it all goes as planned.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago

I have three kids, two olders, boy and girl and one younger, girl. Older girl had a totally mixed up, gaslighted, manipulated teenagehood and still suffers from those effects at 30 due to conniving XH and me not understanding what the hell what was going on. (suffering from eternal guilt from this one) XH left while youngest was in 8th grade wanted no custody other than showing up when he felt like it. Younger daughter, calm, rational, happy, Valedictorian 🙂 Loves her mother… That is the best… older son… “Mom, you know dad is barely a functional human being..,” If they need anything, or moral support, or to know that come what may, their mother has their back, the I am Mighty… I am MOM.

Other stuff… My house looked like the Clampets lived there when XH left. I have painted, made gates, made storage area, cleaned up, made hanging bed from a tree, and now am making one kick ass gigantic cob bread oven. Learned to scuba dive… Went to Thailand and scuba dubbad and Bermuda twice…Found out how many wonderful people are in my life and how nice it is to spend time with them and be a good person to them.

Purging the garage is next, cant blame all of the garage on XH but he gets 50%. Can’t decide flame thrower or skip loader for this job. Be mighty, remember to breath and be in the present moment.

Oh yes… no shame… shame is how they control you. Makes you fearful. You are MIGHTY.

Gia
Gia
9 years ago

I started singing in the shower again. It actually shocked me when it happened – but I didn’t want to question it. Maybe next time I can add a little jig.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago

The smokescreen lies used to harm me via MCs and my cheating ex now over 2 years ago were that I was “female dependent” and wouldn’t support a family allowing my own child to starve rather than work (even though we never had a child and were doing fine financially).

While the cheating and lying continued, I completed a unit of clinical pastoral education at a Trauma One center including overnights. Completed my extensive application for a residency program back in my home state and flew out there to interview. Came back to discover my ex was sexually active with the OM and confronted her about it in a public setting. She lied. I got the residency job. I sold the big furniture, packed up the condo, loaded up my few remaining belongings into my Civic, and drove literally halfway across the country. Got divorced. Completed my residency. Got Board Certified as a Chaplain. Applied for various jobs and had to decide between two offers. Chose my current position and am being paid/treated as a professional. Got remarried and became a father to my wife’s daughter (now my daughter) who adores me. Launched divorceminister.com for adultery survivors and their supporters. Over 11,000 unique individuals have visited it from over 95 different countries around the globe in less than 6 months of existence!

2014 was a great year. PTL! Looking forward to even better one in 2015!!!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

DM, and you had to fight to keep your collar (so to speak)! And yes, thanks for Divorce Minister.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks, CL! And thank you for your support of the blog…it’s helped traffic a lot taping into CN here. As you say, it is both gratifying and sad that it is so needed. My next foray is to see if I can get published in a well-known online Christian magazine…I am sure it will impact many and probably bring out more trolls as well.

chjrn
chjrn
9 years ago

When that happens, be sure and let the CN know with the link. You have our support!

TheUpwardWay
TheUpwardWay
9 years ago

Way to go DM! Helping others to get to “meh” is the one of the best ways to get to “meh” yourself. All the best to you and your ministry in 2015! (Great site by the way!)

chjrn
chjrn
9 years ago

Thank you SOOOO much for starting divorceminister.com. It has helped me move forward. My ex used religion to justify his behavior (he apparently forgot the 10 Commandments). Then I heard the harping from my church about the sins of divorce and forgiveness. If they only knew…

Anyway, thanks for pointing out the biblical reasons FOR divorce!

For all of this, you are definitely mighty!

Nicole S.
Nicole S.
9 years ago
Reply to  chjrn

I completely agree with chjrn. Thank you DM!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago

I’m not sure I feel mighty but I’ve certainly done some mighty things.
1. Finally realized cheater will never change and quit playing the pick me dance!
2. Successfully navigated mediation with the help of my attorney despite cheater and his attorney’s intimidation and manipulative tactics. Of course, I wish a few things had turned out differently but overall, I’m good. His intimidation turned out to be a bunch of BS.
3. I continue to pack his shit up as I clean out the house so it can be sold later this year. I love that house but when my daughter leaves for college this fall, it will be too much for just me and have too many memories.
4. Painted my bedroom and am planning to paint my bathroom soon. Just freshening things up before it goes on the market.
5. I’m working through our agreement to convert everything between he and I. Of course,he just sits back and does nothing as usual which is the biggest reason for me to make sure everything is separated.
6. Thwarted a manipulation attempt by him over Christmas to reduce his child support payment. What a jerk narc – just thought he could make that decision on his own despite our legal agreement.
7. I’m seeing a counselor for me. I need to clear my head from the many years of lies, deceit and manipulation and break my codependent habits.
8. Divorce will be finalized at some point in 2015. Once the house is sold, I should be relatively free of him except of course where our daughter is concerned. I worry endlessly about the impact of all of this on her and the lies and manipulation he continues to play with her. I know it’s not mine to fix though. She knows the majority of the truth so I hope that she sees him for what he is. He’s her dad so I want them to have a relationship but I hope she will be cautious with him.

The upcoming year will need to be full of mightiness for me too.

Thank you CL and thank you Chump Nation for sharing your stories and advice. It has truly been helpful to me.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

Wow, there are some MIGHTY chumps here! These stories are filled with such strength, courage and humor!

Many of you are far mightier than I am, but here is what I am proud of:
It has been five years since Dday, and nearly three years since divorce. Since then, I have:
Stayed in my cute apartment with my son. My place is so cozy, I have a balcony filled with potted flowers, we are very happy here.
Started a new career as a freelance writer. It’s a struggle, but last year I wrote for several big clients, including Walmart, Novartis, Electrolux and Red Stamp.
Started dating again. I’ve been with Nice Guy for 15 months now. Still having fun.
Went to a glass blowing class with a friend, and learned how to blow glass cups. Tried all sorts of other things for the first time.
Dealt with elderly mother’s very major surgery and difficult recovery. Still spending a great deal of time and energy coping with her physical and mental illness.
Saw ex for the first time in three years, at court where he had his support lowered by 2/3. I was absolutely sick with dread over that court date, could barely sleep beforehand. But as I sat there in the waiting room, I looked over at him and all I could think was that he is a total loser.

I know 2015 is going to be a great year.