New Year’s Friday Challenge!

Happy Almost New Year’s Chump Nation!

Boy, I for one am quite happy to see 2017 go down the shitter. Let’s hear it for new starts!

We’re all about gaining a life at CN, so in keeping with the spirit of self-improvement and personal growth (that isn’t girth — I rebuke you leftover Christmas cookies!), let’s do an inventory.

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions for unchumping yourself?

2.  What was the most important thing you learned about yourself in 2017?

And, if you’re not feeling entirely meh yet…

3. What are your (fanciful) predictions for your cheater in the new year?

Will he trip over a hooker and break his hip? Will she drown in a bottomless well of unearned self-esteem? Is anyone getting an indictment? A twitch? A new set of boobs?

Fill me in, CN and have a very happy 2018!

TGIF!

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Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago

Am I first today?? West Coaster here. My bad back has kept me up all night. It must be a sign!!

I’ll take #1 for $500.

Unchumping myself. Huh. Maybe I should start with picking ME first. Nit just when playing Chumpvill either. I always do seem to cave in when people hound me. I’ve just recently been good about shutting X deown. There are others whom I really need to stop intruding into MY life!!

Boundaries need repairs!!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

Yes. Fixing my picker by committing to an indefinite period of no romances. But heaps more group activities and friendships of all kinds!

Also: in 2018, I will receive more than I give. I need to learn how to receive more easily.

This year has been hell. You guys have been great. See you on the other side.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

I’m in the same boat. I’m giving up on dating for who knows how long. I’ve spent waaaaaay too much time on dating sites and have only found mediocre possibilities. No. Just no.

Anytime I spend on-line will be looking at tile, choosing kitchen sinks and lighting options. I’ll be looking more at the likes of Ana White and Nikki Grandy and spending this time building cupboards and redecorating and finding my mighty via table saw and pneumatic nailer. The only dinner dates will be with a frozen pizza and my paintbrush.

Maybe my heart can get a renovation in the process.

Fuck you 2017. You truly sucked.

Please don’t disappointment me 2017

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

2018….jeez…it’s like writing the wrong year on checks in January….

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Lol to the wrong year on checks Sunflower!
My firsf laugh of the day!
8 1/2 hrs left till 2018 for me …… hopefully my STBX will pull her head out of the sand and start to participate in the divorce process,
first court date in 31 days……
Me and 2018?, wanting to stay strong, seeing the divorce through( I still feel like ass at times), start doing things for me and my esteem, start performing with my guitar again,
pretty much anything my spouse said I had no time to do anymore…..
Fuck her and 2017, give me some love 2018!!!

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

And I forgot:

Happy New Year to all us chumps and the CL as well!!! I love you all and can’t thank you enough!!!!
Stay strong brothers and sisters, best to us all in 2018!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

(((hugs))) 50

We all deserve ’em.

And have fun with the guitar. I think I might take mine back up too. I hocked it way back when…might be time to do some shopping.

OCchump
OCchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

It does seem to be a common theme for me and a lot of other chumps out there. Accused of not meeting others needs by the cheater, therapists, books, and in-laws. When in reality we never gave ourselves the chance to put us first.

I agree. Time to start putting what’s best for me first for a change.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

Born Free
Whenever I see your name I think this will be a good post, filled with good, sound advice, with a twist of humour.
Keep encouraging fellow Chumps and here’s to all good, powerful, happening to you in 2018.
You rock!
You are Mighty!

struggling
struggling
6 years ago

1) I need quit drinking so much.

2) I keep going for disordered people/unhealthy relationships. I know I’m doing it, and I keep doing it anyway.

3) Meh? Yeah not really. So… thinking that the consequences of two narcs marrying each other will start to play out. My guess is she’ll get pregnant, they’ll struggle financially, their relationship will start to unravel… I don’t think this will play out in the next year, though. More like the next five years. I also predict what CL says, that by the time it happens I wont care anymore.

OK so back to 1 and 2. I really need to get my shit together and start making better choices and building a healthy future for myself.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

A toast to the drinking thread. Oh, I’m not the only one that asks for us to stop drinking, and cheater brings home my favorite? I absolutely know that a glass or two of red takes the edge off. Turns the volume down on loneliness and grief. But I must, MUST do things for myself, and one of them is improving my productivity and my focus. Feeling like crap every morning does not serve.

Hurt1
Hurt1
6 years ago

The month between dday & when he picked up & left I would drink a Heinekin before he came home just to steel my nerves. Since I ended up a little tipsy drinking on an empty stomach I would have another one & then go to bed. I called it my “double Dutch dinner.”

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

I was actually sitting on my patio on a warm Thursday evening having my end of work week wind down, when he abruptly came home, packed a duffel bag and moved out! Yes, I guess that I subconsciously realized the underlying tension of awaiting his arrival. He left me post its that said “It’s about us”, “Let’s make this work”, “Maybe we can date” ???????

One great thing is that I am now tension free as I walk through MY door after work. Yes, I got the house. I was much more lonely while married!

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

They seem to like that line. Completely unoriginal and meme solely to keep the BS firmly in place as plan B. I fell for that shit for a loooong time.

Saw a friend recently who mentioned his wife is on her 3rd Rumspringa in 5 years of marriage. Although I suspect her ‘maybe we can date?’ Wasn’t regarding him, but OM.

phillygirl93
phillygirl93
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

“Maybe we can date”- are you serious?? In my world, marriage implies dating you know YOUR SPOUSE.

chumpapalooza
chumpapalooza
6 years ago

Yup tired of the feeling like crap stuff. And I turned to the hard stuff not just wine. This year is THE year. No more hard stuff ever and I will wean off the wine every night. I will and I must. Stay mighty guys, 2018 is OUR YEAR!

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Wow I struck a chord here bringing up alcohol. Thanks for responding everyone, it’s helpful to read others experiences, and to be understood. There’s nothing like the support of people who’ve been through it. People in my life care and support me, but no one really gets it like my fellow chumps. Love to you all and let’s make our 2018 a beautiful year

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I don’t drink but you could replace that with over eating. Anything I am lonely or depression I reach for cookies. I am gained 15lbs since dd2 9 months ago. Need to find healthier coping mechanisms.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

The new year is always a good time to start or get back to good habits! It sounds like you are aware of the stress triggers that lead to poor choices….that’s the first step!
Cookies are my favorite go to comfort food too. I was told once to reach for good protein when I start to crave sweets. That advice has helped me!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

It wasn’t in front of him, thank God, but a month after I dumped Rhys was the first time I drank to the point of throwing up. They really do get in our heads.

S.Egan
S.Egan
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling. I know. I do that too. But I’m coming round. And I don’t do it so much anymore.
I think it’s the loneliness. (Perceived loneliness). Cos really Being with a fake person is more lonely than being on your own.
Hang in there and don’t be so hard on yourself.
As you get stronger you’ll feel less need to over drink/eat/starve/isolate..etc. whatever any of us might do.
The rest will come in time. (????)
I hardly ever post here but I read every day.
This place is a saviour.
Thanks CL and CN
X

GracieD
GracieD
6 years ago
Reply to  S.Egan

Getting married was the loneliest thing I’ve ever done.

I also realised that I was drinking more than I’d like because I was stressed and very unhappy, especially when he’s unemployed by choice (none of his employers appreciated him enough) and I’m working extra hours to try to make ends meet – to find asshat takes it as an extra opportunity to go out to meet schmoopie and spend more money. I plan 2018 to be a ‘take care of me’ year

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  GracieD

Loneliness here too. Ex was such an evil drunk that gradually people stopped wanting to be with us so he isolated us as we became social lepers. And like I said in my post further up I had never even thought that he wanted me drunk because he could control me that way. Gosh I’m a slow learner.

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  S.Egan

S.egan: “I think it’s the loneliness.” Fuck yeah, it is

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Lol. Dammit. I’m always double posting. Sorry!

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I agreed with you twice.

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  S.Egan

“I think it’s the loneliness “. Fuck yeah, it is

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Your right struggling, we drink out of loneliness, X was physically there but mentally he never acknowledged my existence. Loneliness and the feeling of being inadequate no matter what we do or how hard we try.

OC Chump, I’m tired of being told I didn’t meet the needs of others. I’ve lived my life pleasing everyone else putting my needs last or non existent.
One of my goals in 2018 is to put myself first and no longer question or doubt myself when I do.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Drinking out of loneliness. Absolutely. Not only did he leave me ALONE for many nights during our 35 years, he actually purchased all the alcohol and literally selected the bottle of wine for me for his Saturday nights at the casino! Never once mentioned that I had a drinking problem during marriage, it only became an issue during divorce! I guess he tried to “save me from myself” when he stole the two cases of more expensive wine that I was never allowed to drink.

New Year, although he NEVER drank during our marriage (kind of hard to keep all the lies straight, you know, loose lips), have heard that he now is a drinker! I am working hard on becoming meh, but having a difficult time accepting his damage to my sons.

This site has helped me tremendously, thank you all and a Happy Healthy New Year to all!

Lexiechump
Lexiechump
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Fuck yeh indeed it is
I feel hollow
Unlovable
Mind fuckeried
And my psych says (in the short term) if I’m still here, if I am not feeling the need to not exist, then we can deal with the wine later.
It’s us chumps that are lonely enough to hear crickets. The narc’s never even listen.

Peachy Again Soon
Peachy Again Soon
6 years ago
Reply to  Lexiechump

Lexiechump, I hear you on the feeling hollow and unlovable. I don’t drink, but I do overeat to try to fill those empty spots. Completely ridiculous thing to do but I fall for it all the time. I just have to become more mindful of NOT doing it because I just feel worse afterwards.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling, many years ago I realized that drinking was not helping me get through life. If I had an issue I’d reach for a drink. Well if one is dealing with an issue and you think it can’t get any worse , just throw a little alcohol on it and you can have yourself a full blown disaster. I decided to stop drinking over 30 years ago. While this year has been very difficult I doubt I’d be where I am right now (mostly meh) if I had still been drinking in fact I shudder to think what might have happened! Yikes! Just thought I’d put me 2 cents in for what it’s worth. Hugs!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Superchump, after 39 years of marriage he left me for a woman 2 years older then me! So the age thing is more in our head if she’d been 30 years younger I would have felt the same, devastated. Like you and others in long term marriages I was completely blindsided. I believed that he loved me and in fact he said so right up until days before he left. He had had a previous emotional affair some 20 years earlier , the women he was persuing turned him down. Looking back, there were other signs of emotional affairs, and other traits that I now recognize I spackled over. He was looking for someone “special” to make him feel special. All the years of cleaning, cooking, washing and ironing, working to buy a home, cottage, raising kids,the birth of grandkids, elderly parents in nursing homes, deaths of parents, death of a grandchild ….none of this meant anything to him or at least not enough. He abandoned his family for the thrill of someone he claimed to have a special bond with. So, I understand your pain and confusion. It’s been 8 months and I still have to shake myself that he actually did this to our family. He is disordered and I do believe that he will one day realize that he threw away the best part of his life and mine.
But life does go on and we have a choice to either cry and torture ourselves for what we lost or accept the unfairness of this horrible mess and make a new life for ourselves. I thought he destroyed our family but he didn’t, they are till there and they care and love me just the same and on some levels show it even more. He destroyed himself and his relationship with his children and grandchildren.
Let go of what you thought your cheater was and discover who you are now. Stop crying and start living in the present. We can’t change the past but we get to live the present anyway we want. I wish you peace and happiness in 2018.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndaloo

“But life does go on and we have a choice to either cry and torture ourselves for what we lost or accept the unfairness of this horrible mess and make a new life for ourselves.”

Very wise words. I tourtured myself for years staying with an cruel selfish man. And it took awhile to stop after I divirced hin.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Great advice, Lindaloo. I totally agree. The only time we have agency is right now, this very moment. Now is when we can lay the groundwork for a better tomorrow. Cheaters can only louse up as many of our tomorrows as we let them. Once we get past the paralyzed gut wrenching agony stage we have the choice, wallow or get busy living.

It is tough to realize that the person we loved with all our hearts would not only be capable of such cruelty towards us, but could actually revel in our pain. They want us to be miserable for the rest of our lives. In their eyes, it is proof of their power over us and everything in our lives. In the case of some of the more sociopathic, they want to utterly destroy us.

The biggest and best fuck you to a narcissistic cheater, is to go on and build a happy, serene, fabulous life without them. We gather our loved ones around. We begin to heal. We rebuild our lives, in a much healthier pattern. We do the hard work on ourselves. We fix our pickers so we welcome only people of good character into our world, and if we get fooled here and there, out they go. We never, ever settle again. Our lives improve a zillion times without the cheater.

They, on the other hand, will eventually spiral down, as their ability to attract willing, rescuing victims wanes. Then they find themselves stuck alone with their karma. I truly believe, sooner or later, the chickens come home to roost. And when we have achieved meh, we not only don’t care, but we don’t even know because we are busy with our own fabulous life. That’s the best karma of all.

PennyDreadful
PennyDreadful
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Same here. I thought I was good, but realized after going for another disordered ass that I really need to work more on fixing my picker! Like WHY do I keep falling for the same shit??
And yeah, stop drinking so much…

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  PennyDreadful

I also have a “type” that I need to come to terms with in 2018!!!

Narc x husband pastor, go thru terrible discard….

4 years later move in with narc boyfriend who “has it all”, but is a total fixer upper in the soul department ( he got violent and angry after I moved in ).

I did move out. Bought a total fixer upper of an old cottage at the beach and am currently dating that.

I did however finish 4 years of school, start up my own business and kick some cosmic ass while separated and divorcing. I am mighty in other areas of my life!!!

But my picker is fickle – 2018 is going to be a year of reflection and growth ( while sitting at the beach with a glass of wine ).

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Can we share fixer upper stories…you on your cottage and me on my house. 2018 will be spent loving my power tools and perusing the home improvement stores for trim and paint.

Happy renovating your home and heart.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  PennyDreadful

In response to the drinking, I also drank too much mostly to relax and make it through another day with ex and his complaining. I realized after he left I didn’t drink as much or as often and eventually lost my craving to have a drink to relax to deal with his constant nit picking.
I’ve had lots of stress in my life since he left but I don’t go out and buy a bottle of wine or think about having drink. I want to remain in control of my life, somewhat, have nothing else he can use against me if I were to do something stupid, and heaven forbid call him or drunk text him.
That’s all I’d need is to give him something to exaggerate and twist to prove to the everyone that I’m mentally ill and an alcoholic which is one of the many things he accused me of being. I drank wine with dinner and maybe one or two glasses too many but I got up every morning and went to my volunteer job, took care of our family.
It’s hard to dig through all the crap we’ve been blindsided with and been dumped on us. It’s much better for us to stay clear headed, as we dig through what seems like endless crap. We’re left to pick up the pieces and find out where we belong in the world after devoting our lives to them. They’ve had years or at least months of careful planning of their exit and have distanced themselves from us. It’s frustrating to see them so calm as they discuss ending the marriage and leaving. We’re in shock, disbelief, our past, present and future plans, life as we had known it has just been shattered. I hate everyone of them.
It’s important to take care of ourselves and show them that we can survive quite well or better without them. There’s no better revenge than that.

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I realized that, although he didn’t pour it down my throat, he wanted me to keep drinking with him. Let’s face it, we are so much more reactive when we drink. He drank every single day of the four and a half years we were together, but he always handled his alcohol better than I did.
Can anyone else relate to this?

At least twice a year, I would stop, and ask him to. I’d ask to make our relationship a priority. After weeks of him still bringing what I like to drink home, even when I asked him not to, and him still drinking 6 to 10 beers each night, I’d join him again. Many times I quit to try and take the blame off of me for our fights…etc.

The day he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore, I quit for good. I haven’t craved a sip. The fact is we can’t be our best selves and drink. We can’t be rational and we do more damage to ourselves.
What good comes from drinking? None. We think it numbs us, but it’s only temporary medicating. The issues are all still there in the morning and possibly compounded because of our drinking. We don’t make the best choices when we are drinking.

I want to stay sober minded in the new year and feel every bit of pain that I need to. I don’t want to prolong this process at all.
I want to heal these nasty wounds in 2018. I want to let go of the anger I have towards the cheating SOB.
I want to be and stay mighty.
I am looking forward to seeing other chumps do the same.

CheaterDefeater
CheaterDefeater
6 years ago
Reply to  nothischump48

Awesome post. Thank you.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Yeah, include me in the drinking to numb myself. I sought treatment and was put on Antabuse. Once night we were at a leaving party and I asked for a tonic water. Ex must have laced it with half as much gin (it could have bloody killed me). And then he was smirking, thought it was funny. He was/is a very big boozer. While I was trying not to drink he came over one night with a bottle of wine, took one glass and then left the wine on the kitchen counter, saying you can have that. I asked him twice to take it away so eventually just poured it down the sink. He was FURIOUS. When I mentioned it to my therapist she just said “and you think that was an accident do you”? It hadn’t even occurred to me but as she said keeping me sloshed was the only way he could control me. So I want to kick that habit now and try to get fit (I’ll be 60 in 2018). As for the Twat and Schmoopie I can see that relationship going down the tubes but not sure how they will get out of it. He makes a lot more money than her so I think she’s just with him for the money. Don’t care really as long as he doesn’t try to come back to me.

Stretched
Stretched
6 years ago
Reply to  nothischump48

My STBX drank every single night the entire 7 years I knew him. He started drinking more heavily the past year. He blamed the drinking on me and his unhappiness…not on the fact that he was having an affair and he needed to self medicate. And I highly doubt that he’s been sober the last few months since he left. I’m not a big drinker but right before I got pregnant last year, I found myself drinking wine or beer to try and have a commonality between us….how ridiculous. I know the OW is a drinker, so they can have that together.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Stretched

Notthischump48 and Stretched,

I can definitely relate. Drinking and socializing were priorities to my STBX. And after dday#1, I tried to join him more often in both frequency and quantity. Looking back, I guess I knew that if I didn’t join him that I wouldn’t keep him. He LOVED it when I over indulged. I think it was a conquering thing for him. If it was up to him, we would have gone out every night and left the kids home without us. Good riddance to that and him.

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Fuckwit loved for me to drink too much and always made drinks strong and then denied it. I too would drink with him in an attempt to be closer with him but I was not a big drinker. I dumped all the hard stuff when he left and only kept the wine. I rarely drink since he left and don’t miss it a bit.

He was drinking 4 or more vodka and tonics a night. He started out the marriage with 2 beers per night, progressed to 2 sweet mixed drinks such as hurricanes until he was finally drinking it practically straight and up to 8 drinks in one night per his own admission.

When I found out about whore, I asked him if they drank together and he said oh yeah, a lot. What a loser- good riddance. Yet another strike against their new fresh love.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

In 2017, I learned that I am outgoing, likeable, adventurous, and can attract quality people into my life if I’m vigilant about boundaries.

Sadly, I predict more DWI’s for cheater.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago

Here are mine:

1. Look at actions, not words – thank you CL for this!

2. His cheating was not my fault. I am enough.

3. Predictions as to the cheater – meh.

For me, I still have to work on myself. I want this coming year to be the year of really figuring out what I want. It’s hard to disinvest from a physically non-abusive, but otherwise emotionally gaslighting cheater. The “I am enough” part still needs work.

I hope to have my divorce finalized this year. Cheater is dragging his foot but even that is meh.

My son is away with the cheater for christmas and new year. I thought I would be devastated. I actually watched movies, did nothing and visited friends all this past week. Luxury!

And…I am flying to NYC tonight from Canada to spend 3 days with my old friend who has confessed his romantic feelings. Bought my ticket yesterday night after our conversations turned quite serious. I have no idea what will come out of this relationship, if this 3-day trip will even turn into a relationship given our lives in different geographies, but I don’t care. I have no big expectations but just want to engage into meaningful conversations with a long term friend and maybe some more.

Happy New Year, CL and CN! Not a day goes by without reading you, Tracy. You saved my sanity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do.

And I hope, CN, this year will be better for all of us who are already here. And we’ll be able to reciprocate to new chumps and ease their pain.

Happy New Year! To new beginnings cheater-free.

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Your trip may turn out to be awesome and with your old friend.

I had a similar situation to yours. 20+ yea down the toilet when ex wife cheated.

I reconnected with my childhood gf in London, I’m in the US. We see each other once in a while here or there. Absolutely fantastic romantically!

It’s amazing how much better a real honest relationship can be with someone on the same emotional level.

Good luck!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Rickb89

Rick89, I actually saw this friend in NY last year in the aftermath of the false wreckonciliation and opened up with him. He knew my cheater (former colleagues). He did not have any negative comments towards the cheater but he really lifted my self esteem by pointing out to all I possessed. He made me feel I was enough. We kept chatting throughout this year, nothing romantic, and it just turned upside down last week. We both are looking forward to this and both are scared but it’s a good feeling.

I am very happy for you and your gf from London. We never know what this will turn into but it just feels good and right. I feel grounded with this man while the cheater kept me in a constant anxiety and toxic bonding. Not my monkeys anymore. Happy New Year!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

@Long Time Chump, Mother Chumper, Rick, and others who have romantically connected with friends,

I am glad to hear that chumps can form happy, healthy bonds with old friends after living through toxic marriages and divorce from adulterers.

I thought that I would experience the same as you did as my post-separation boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) was my friend for 30 years and a chump. He seemed modest in spite of being smart, popular, and professionally very successful, We were a couple for 2.5 years, up until four months ago. By spackling, I convinced myself that he and I had a glorious relationship. I completely trusted him, thinking that even if he broke up with me, we would always be friends. He talked to me at least twice a day every day. We did a lot of activities together.We never argued. In hindsight, the lack of argument was NOT a good thing–it was a sign that he would rarely communicate his true feelings and thoughts to me, even if I gently asked him to do so. (I would deny to part of me that he would say unprompted things like, ‘I will never marry you,’ invalidate me (repeatedly tell me that I shouldn’t miss him while he was away for several days after I said, ‘I miss you,’ try to avoid having group photos taken with me, among many other very hurtful things throughout our intimate relationship. As he, like my adulterous, abusive ex-husband, kicked me to the curb for his work subordinate and now refuses to communicate with me, I feel tremendously burned, devastated, bitter, and lonely. I feel lonely as I lost my lover/best friend who I wanted to marry, another friend with whom I thought I had a strong bond in the last few months and several of my relatives (young and old) have died in the last two years or are near death from terminal illnesses.

In my future, 2018 and forward, I hope to learn how to develop friendships. (As a divorced, fifty something mother of young children with a long record of staying in abusive relationships, I have given up hope of finding an enduring healthy, happy romantic relationship.) I hope to help others no matter how bad I feel. If all I feel I can muster due to my chronically depressed state is a smile at a stranger and a scratch on the back of the neck of an animal, then I plan to do it.

I hope, in addition, to quit being a doormat, if for no other reason than to show my children how to honor oneself while honoring others.

I also hope to noticeably move toward Meh regarding my ex-boyfriend, who I often wish would come back, even though he was Jekyll on the surface but Hyde underneath and I know that he won’t change into the thoroughly honest, morally brave man who would love and commit to me and I thought was my devoted partner and love of my life. Unfortunately, I do harbor some fantasies about him suffering (e.g., him dying from a brain tumor, like the one that destroyed his hearing in one ear several years ago), but I have not sought revenge and don’t plan to seek it. I think that life is unfair to many, including me in some ways, and accept that fact, as much as I dislike it. I wasn’t a perfect person or perfect partner to my boyfriend (I cried on his shoulder a lot as a result of concurrently occurring multiple physical, emotional, and legal traumas not caused by him) while I was his girlfriend, but I tried DARNED hard! Ideally, I will direct all the time and money I spent trying to make a mostly unappreciative partner happy and love me toward those who will benefit from and appreciate my time and money. At least that way, at the end of my life, I might not have succeeded (particularly in a conventional sense), but I will know that I consistently tried hard to be a good person.

In the next few months, I will continue to let my mind wander to ‘crazy’ possibilities–moving to another part of the world, ideally east coast of the U.S. although I think that several forces (practical issues–like taking care of disabled parents and children on the west coast) might preclude me from doing so, joining an eighties tribute band, finishing my doctorate after having to abandon it a few years ago. I’m just so exhausted from ‘living with’ (merely robotically existing) major depression the last four months and dysthymia (mild depression) for most of my life that I can’t imagine getting up the gumption to do any of the things on my ‘bucket list.’ (I used to be an organized, intellectually curious person who did fairly daring, unusual things. Now I struggle to get out of bed every day.) After you feel as though you’ve lost everything you’ve every lived for, there’s only one way things can go, better, right?

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Are you seeking medical help? Depression can be helped, as I’m sure you’ve heard, but sometimes it just takes someone making us get up and go to a doctor. Please consider it. You’ve got so much to be and do and to offer to the world.

((hugs from your friends here))

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Soldiering On,

Thanks for writing. I am assuming here that you are addressing me, RSW. I think that depression in some cases can be treated. I have tried many, many treatments to virtually no avail. I really hope that someday, a greater number of effective treatments will be available to people like me who do not seem to respond to treatment of virtually any type. I don’t want others to experience what I have–being imprisoned in one’s own mind or a haunted house, knowing that you were once very happy, but not feeling as though you can be happy, peaceful, or productive ever again.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

After the Twat left and old school friend who I hadn’t seen for 36 years got in touch with me through Friends Reunited. He had upped sticks and took himself off to Bulgaria to live just on a whim. So he said Attie if you’ve nothing better to do why don’t you come out for a holiday. I took the precaution of getting a hotel room but we got along like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t think I have ever laughed so much (the hotel room didn’t get much use, if you get my drift). But I travelled around Bulgaria with him in his van for 2 weeks. We weren’t meant to be but it definitely was my Shirley Valentine moment. I am now seeing a Yorkshireman that I met in Peru 5 years ago. It suits me just fine that he lives in England and I live in France. We have the same attitude to life so we’ll see how that works out.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife,

Thank you for being part of my healing journey. I always love your thoughtful posts and you are one of the first I remember from my early dark days in spring of 2015. You gave me strength and comfort when I most needed it.

I’m so sorry your BF was another narc. Those types suck!!!!!!!

Huge hugs????????????????????

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Mother Chumper,

Thank you for the compliment. I am glad that I was able to help someone else as I often feel that people here on CL (and some other places) often help me.

I am finally starting to realize that along with dating OVERT narcs (my now ex-husband and a few others!), I dated someone who had several traits of a COVERT narc (my latest ex-boyfriend)! I don’t just lecture on personality disorders, I date, marry, and breed with men who have them! If I could, I would make a movie on my life, not to become famous, but to warn others and to use the proceeds from the movie to support victims of the hostile, personality-disordered (those who have Antisocial, Narcissist, Borderline (acting out/hostile), Passive Aggressive) and just plain jerks!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RickStarWife, yes, things will go to the better now for you because you will direct them there. I know the devastation especially after trusting a 30-year friend and a chump himself. There is an expectation that they would understand the pain and not inflict it on us again.

However, reading your posts recently, you keep mentioning that you wanted to stay friends with him. May I ask why? I understand he was your friend. But he is no longer. He did not treat you as a good friend would. He was not honest. What’s the point of staying friends other than hoping he woul be back with you? He is not an honest person.

As for me, I am not even involved. I am just venturing to go spend a couple of days with another man who happens to be an old friend. After a 13 year marriage and an equally long affair, including Tinder and other little affairs. We were not very close and lived in different countries meeting here and there and chatting occasionally. I have no idea how he would be as a romantic partner. I am not even sure if we would want it after this trip.

But I do appreciate your warning. We should not merely assume that these men/women are good simply because they were old friends and some were chumps as well. You mentioned some of the red flags and we do tend to spackle especially after learning to do it so well in our marriages.

So maybe this year for you and me and many other chumps is to un-learn that habit, recognize the red flags and name them for what they are. The hard work is on ourselves. Hence, many here at CN warn against going into another relationship until we are firm with our boundaries and quit the spackle.

Let’s work on it together, RockStarWife.

(HUGS)

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Long Time Chump,

You bring up a good question, which I have asked myself a few times–Why would I want my dishonest ex-boyfriend to be my friend or even communicate with me at all? I think that I am STILL after many months struggling with shock and denial, as in ‘I can’t believe that he did this/he is this way? How can hundreds of friends and colleagues be wrong? Of course, they weren’t intimately involved with him as his other partners and I were. I need to trust MY gut, ‘trust that they (dishonest, cheating partners) suck,’ not trust the Court of Public Opinion!

Over and Out
Over and Out
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

To un-learn the spackle habit is at the TOP of my list. Such truth and wisdom in your statements. Too often we give others (especially old friends and fellow chumps) the benefit of doubt that their intentions are good… Unfortunately I have mistakenly fallen in that trap a few times. I am learning

After ending a long, abusive relationship, learning to love our selves and realize our self-worth again takes a long time. We truly have to mend and heal our wounds. I think, too, that we tend to move into new relationships before we are emotionally ready. The older we are, however, the more we feel that our time is limited or that without our youth we are not as attractive – also misconceptions. Those are remnants of our disordered exes’ shallowness and brainwashing dialogues – not what healthy normal people think.

Rockstarwife and Longtimechump, your thoughtful comments touched me… You are such caring, generous souls. I hope you find peace and that good things come your way in the new year.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

Over and Out,
Thank you for eloquently presenting some profound points, and thank you for your kind words!

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Longtimechump,

Love your post! Hope you have a lovely time!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

PS—post Chump intimacy is amazing! I hadn’t even kissed another man in nearly 30 years when I kicked X to the curb after DDay and wreconciliation. I was nervous to even touch another man but when it happened it was glorious! No toxic trauma bonding/pick me dance porn moves needed. Just old fashioned appreciation for another and feeling appreciated and wanted by my partner. One of the seldom discussed joys of that “building a life.” ????

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago

Thank you, Motherchumper99! I am so looking forward to intimiacy and also so scared of it. And he told me a number of times he felt very shy. We had nothing other than good friendship for 15 years. And a shy man is good for a change after an entitled prick. You said it right, no more toxic bonding. Just plain and simple.

Librawoman
Librawoman
6 years ago

Oh yes touching and kissing another man after 32 years. It’s a big step.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Just got back from NYC last night go see the Downton Abbey exhibit it is superb. Then go see the musical “COME FROM AWAY” it’s fantastic. Very upbeat and uplifting about this the Newfies took in 7,000.US passengers after 9/11. Well worth it. It’s not really sad but there was a tear or two. Happy New Year!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndaloo, thanks for the recommendations. I know you were there with your daughters. Have been following your story from the first day you posted. You are one MIGHTY woman, you know, I admire you!

I don’t think we would want to go out. All I want is a good wine, quality conversations, kindness and maybe some intimacy. He stocked up on wine:)

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Sounds like you’ve got your weekend planned, have fun!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

Since the thing with Rhys happened a while back, these are a bit more general.

1) I resolve to better stand up for my own needs.
2) I’ve learned that everyone has their limit.
3) I only hope that no one falls for his charms anymore. I recently saw a picture of him and realized how very ordinary he is.

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago

Boy I can’t to read everyones thoughts and comments to this post!

My New Year’s Resolutions for unchumping myself? First starting by going NC with my cheater and divorcing him as soon as I can. I am also going to fix my picker so I don’t find myself with another cheater in the future. On to bigger and better things for 2018!

The most important thing I learned about myself in 2017 is that I am worthy. I am finding myself every day and I realized that I don’t need to settle for a cheater to feel whole. I am whole all by myself. I am a smart, articulate, sexy, funny, compassionate woman that WILL get the happy ending I truly deserve.

Predictions for the cheater? Well I think he will end up alone eventually. I don’t think he is truly happy with the OW and its going to kill him that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him (me) and I will have moved on and made a new life for myself.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

Happy New Year!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Chumpin,
I am so impressed at your resolve! I hope that you have a long, healthy happy ending that starts now!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

Chumpin, YES YOU CAN and you will! Here’s to a cheater free 2018! Hugs

Janet
Janet
6 years ago

1. Rediscover who I was before cheater broke me down.

I remember being so happy with my life and everything in it before I met him… fast forward to five years later and I was a complete mess, having just found out about his affair/drug abuse with a cocaine addict. Before I met him, I was so full of life and sass and confidence, and over the years his abuse really took a lot of that away. It happened really gradually, and I didn’t see it for what it was until the abuse escalated. After I found out about the cheating, it even turned physical. And I’ve never told anyone this, but around the same time (~April 2017), about a month after DDay, I found out I was pregnant. I found out in the emergency room, because I was having really intense pains/cramping. I found out when the doctor told me I was having a miscarriage.

I was just 23, and it was the most horrible experience of my life… talk about compounding the feeling of loss. I was under so much stress and had barely eaten in weeks. I dropped 10 pounds in 10 days. I was so devastated because of what he did. I still wonder whether the physical/emotional stress he put me through is to blame for what I lost, and it’s the last thing keeping me from reaching meh. It still keeps me awake some nights. I try to look at it as a second chance, maybe to one day have a family with someone I love… but I can’t shake the feeling that he took something from me.

They gave me some painkillers and told me to go home; that it would all be over by the next day. I went home and called cheater. He came home to give me “support.” I can pinpoint the moment I knew there was no hope for us. He sat next to the bed, but he wasn’t looking at me – he was looking at my desk, where my painkillers were. Then he asked if he could have one. At that moment, getting high was his first priority. I was with a monster.

Fast forward 10 months… I still struggle with the aftermath of everything he’s done, but I’m doing a lot better, finishing another degree and planning the rest of my life. On the bright side, the whole experience has really made me a lot closer with my parents (and my friends), who were there to pick me back up when he put me down. I’m optimistic and am looking forward to a 2018 filled with even more of my old self and NO CONTACT 🙂

2. That there’s no shame in walking away from a bad relationship. My parents were together for my entire life, through thick and thin. Giving up on my old shitty relationship didn’t seem like an option (before he cheated), but I’ve learned that you really have to pick and choose who deserves that kind of devotion. Life is short – I will never put up with disrespect again.

3. Cheater will probably quit his new job, thus reverting back to his natural, unemployed state. How attractive.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Janet- I, too, had a miscarriage two weeks ago. I , too, was afraid stress from my marital situation caused it.

But I did a lot of research and talked to my doctor. I now realize it’s not my fault.

I am not a doctor and even if I was I wouldn’t speculate about your miscarriage. Still, I pray you can come to a place where you know deep inside the miscarriage is not your fault.

And I pray that I’ll stay in that place.

((((Janet)))) (parentheses hugs for you if you want them)

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Janet,

You are amazingly strong!

I got married during my second pregnancy (as far as I know), knowing that I would miscarry the baby. I decided to get married then, oddly, to help myself feel better! I was numb the whole day. I thought that the numbness was due to the physical and emotional effects of the high-tech fertility treatment induced pregnancy and impending miscarriage, but I think that part of me (intuition, reptilian brain, what have you) knew that I was making the biggest mistake of my life–marrying my future abuser.

I wish you a much healthier, happier, improved life.

Nomorecamping
Nomorecamping
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Rockstarwife – when I was seeing my ex I had the most bizarre shaking and trembling – we would laugh about it. Now I believe it was my body trying to tell me, warn me.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

I had a miscarriage too many years ago. At the time it seemed devastating in spite of being in a relationship with someone who I think stilled cared back then. I was afraid I would never be able to have kids. I did talk about it, however, and discovered just how common it was. Suddenly half the women I knew had had miscarriages and then gone on to have healthy babies later. Sure enough I went on to have healthy babies later myself. You will too, and with any luck it will be with someone who values you for being the smart, capable and caring woman that you are. You are young and have so much more life to live. Your experience sucks all the way around, but you will overcome it and you will learn from it and it will all go into your bag of experience and wisdom. May 2018 bring good things your way.

I’m back!!
I’m back!!
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

I set up a new email for sites like this one after splitting from N EX
Findmywayback15 — because I knew I had lost myself and wanted to find me again
It’s taken work but so glad I have come back to myself— new email?? Ivemissedme15

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

I’m so sorry you were forced to endure that, Janet. (((Hugs)))

I fully understand not telling people — and burying the pain. Given that you’ve hit a roadblock on that part of your experience, maybe consider talking to a therapist about it? I’ve had to do that with some of the circumstances from my relationship; some parts are just bone-marrow deep in the pain department and need an outside “assist.”

You have an excellent head on your shoulders and amazing strength in your soul. May your forward momentum continue and blossom in 2018!!!

ChumpedWithKids
ChumpedWithKids
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Janet,

I’m so sorry for your loss. (big hug) I have had 3 miscarriages myself, and 2 of them were back-to-back losses in 2011. I remember after the 2011 losses, I was so depressed. I was homeschooling my children at the time and my STBX was in college, finishing his bachelor’s degree. The miscarriages happened in February and April; I normally had the “blahs” during the winter months, but that year, the feeling of sadness and no energy/motivation just stayed with me even when the weather warmed up. I didn’t know it at the time, but now I know STBX was having an affair while I was recovering from those miscarriages. All I knew was that I was hurting from losing 2 babies in a row and that my husband seemed disconnected and I didn’t know why.

In December of the same year, I discovered messages between him and another woman. They were very sexual, but he claimed nothing physical had happened. I was still devastated and I decided to stop homeschooling and put my girls in our parish school after the Christmas. break. I remember thinking that I just did not care what happened to me anymore. And even though I knew it seemed crazy, I really wanted another baby; it seemed like getting pregnant was the only thing that would fill up the hole in my heart.

I did get pregnant again–I gave birth 3 more times before I learned the extent of STBX’s infidelity and lies. Fortunately, by the time I knew “everything” (still not sure I know everything, but I know enough to know I’m done with the marriage), I had found Chump Lady and started to understand how disordered and toxic STBX really is. We’ve been separated for almost 2 months now and I have filed for divorce. I have a lot of support from family and friends, but I am really hurting.

I could totally relate to what you said about losing yourself and being gradually broken down by abuse. My STBX’s abuse was mostly emotional, but it has been physical and sexual, too. I look at myself now and I think “What happened to me?”. I was talking to a childhood friend recently and she brought up how she had always loved my laugh; that it was contagious and she always loved to hear me laugh. And I could not remember the last time I had laughed like that.

I’m trying to start a new life with my children. I will student teach this semester and graduate in May with my music education degree. But I am really missing the fairy tale I wanted with STBX. I know it wasn’t real with him, but I miss what he represented. I miss having a partner.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Chumped with Kids,
I have experienced many of the things you have. My husband cheated on me shortly after I had my first miscarriage (from a pregnancy created by very expensive, painful high tech fertility treatment) and before I had any kids, which was especially hard for me as I thought that I might never have the kids I so wanted. My husband abused me in many ‘colorful’ bizarre ways. I mourn the loss of the intact family I envisioned and the fairy tale life I wanted with my now ex-boyfriend. (The ‘wonderful’ life I had with my now ex-boyfriend just seems like a sham since I discovered that he lied to me several times during our relationship. So even my life for the last few years seems like a ‘lie.’ I can’t even appreciate what seemed like a wonderful life, knowing that my boyfriend did not truly love me then–I was a disposable item to him.) I miss what I (and many others) thought my dishonest exes were. I miss having a partner, more specifically a good one, for a bunch of reasons! Unlike many respondents on CL, I do not feel strong and independent. You sound very strong and calm and collected. You’re doing really well!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Janet, I’m sorry to hear about your betrayal and loss. You sound like a smart capable women who got hood winked by a creep. You will survive this and go on yo have a joyful life because you walked away from a disastrous situation. I wish you every success and a very Happy 2018!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Janet…yes, young and capable person has personality disordered enter life and nearly destroy them. My daughter moved in with her BFF to finish college. Friend drank and had random sex and self destructed while my D (who did party some) worked and finished school. BFF blamed, manipulated, harassed and incrementally destroyed daughter. She now questions herself and is a mess. It will take a while for her to detox off of such a horrible experience.

Please remember the capable, contented person you were and know you can be before a monster made you question yourself. Get as far from him as possible and be you !!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

1. My efforts to unchump myself….this is a big project as it was so many years in the making…

My disordered, selfish parents wanted the most brag for the least buck back in 1982 and told me to go to a Military Academy for college. I didn’t have the math aptitude and wanted to be a nurse. Dad was disgusted. He had zero interest in helping me with my education. They threatened to cut me off regularly and I wanted to be financially independent ASAP so I went to a Hospital nursing program, graduated and have had a meaningful career.

I married nowdeadcheaterpants who gave lip service to me returning to school but his hostility and endless blame made pushing yet-another-boulder uphill impossible and I didn’t even try.

I completed 8 classes for my Bachelors in Nursing in 2017 and assuming I can complete the 7 I have planned, I will graduate mid Dec 2018. New husband has paid all my tuition and I was published in respected professional journals this year.

If all goes well, a week after graduation, we will sail the Mediterranean Sea with our daughters and spend Christmas in Marseilles.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Good for you, unicorn. I hope you achieve everything your great loving heart desires.

I totally get gaining something in life in spite of flaming narc parents. You GO Girl!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Thanks you guys…I am one of the unfortunate souls here who look back and realize that we were groomed to be a chump from the cradle. My parents acceptance of me was SO conditional and fragile…I knew the list of things that would get me thrown out and disowned was very long.

I had done well in HS (except for a C in Algebra, I really struggled) and was committed to working hard in school/college, but my parents were SO desperate to find a reason to not pay (even though the social norm where we lived was to assist kids in college) that they started grasping at any straw. Before I took my first class, I watched my mom talk to her friend on the phone…she was literally flailing about in desperation “when she gets Cs, were CUTTING HER OFF!!!” mind you I graduated from HS 2 months after turning 17, so I was really young and had nothing and no-one.

Mom later drank herself into dementia and has a long list of virtues she now dreams that she had. She recently told my newH that they spent “the entire decade of their 50s” paying tuition. I sat there quietly (with my husband thinking “uh oh, she is doing the math”) and said “Mom, I graduated from Nursing School when you were 43…you paid no tuition in your 50s”. That was the same day she waxed poetic that her first husband died. “He didn’t die, mom, he is sitting next to you, my first husband died”.

For the love of God.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Interesting point though…I work in pediatric end-of-life and at a conference, we were put into small groups to explain to each other why we chose this work. I said it was an action of defiance to prove to my parents that I was an extremely capable person. The person next to me looked shocked and said “me too, I was being defiant”… you need some real inner bad-ass to do this work and we channelled out abuse into productivity…spinning straw into gold.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornomore,
You have a fascinating, inspirational life story to tell–thank you for sharing!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

That is so fantastic!!! Keep kicking ass, Unicornomore!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Just inspiring! Congratulations!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Congratulations Unicornnomore. Your story is inspiring! I don’t feel near that strong but you give me hope.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

1) Hopefully finalizing this 3 year long divorce… everyone can dream!

2) The most important thing I’ve learned about myself… I’m easily fooled by sparkles.

3) Predictions for the cheater… he’ll continue to drag out our divorce, keeping control of marital money and spending every penny we’ve saved over the 18 years, while he continues to live lavishly and I rack up credit card debt to pay for the needs of our kid. He’ll post his “father of the year” pictures all over Facebook and have everyone convinced he’s a wonderful dad, while he uses his parenting time to stay at smoopsies. So pretty much I predict everything to stay the same! Oh, except for I have to sell the marital home while he stays In His brand new house he bought cash with our stock investments.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

That new house is half yours. Get your lawyer to have the court address finances right away, including money needed for necessities (not luxuries). This is dissipation which Narcs excel at. X Fucktard whittled away all our community assets during our two year divorce yet now has two new homes plus who knows what else, he too walked out on supporting our kids.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Drew

I think I need a new lawyer. In the (almost) 3 years this has been dragging on, I’ve asked her 4 diffent Times to file for temporary support, and I have yet to see any progress toward that. Everything I’ve read says getting a new lawyer means you start over. I can’t do this for another 3 years, but I’m not sure she is doing the best job for me. This whole thing just sucks!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Definitely interview another lawyer. Three years and no temporary support hearing is ridiculous. Even in our State’s busy court system, I got a hearing within 6 months. I agreed to waive support from owed from January to August 2017 in exchange for a higher monthly payment going forward. Saved him $27,000.00 but in good Narc fashion he was royally angry and wouldn’t even stand for the magistrate when he was being asked if he understood the agreement.

A good lawyer should be able to get you the back support to which you are entitled. Shop around and interview another lawyer or two if you can. A few hundred dollars would be worth it unless there is some reason that doesn’t come through in your posts with why he would be obligated to pay in the very least temporary child support.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

The only thing I think could be relevant that was omitted is he’s been ordered to pay the mortgage. I have no idea how the law works, but I’m thinking if she seeks support he wouldn’t be obligated to pay it anymore???? I’ve asked specifically “why” she hasn’t filed, and I’ve never gotten an answer – mainly just a change of subject, unless I’m not understanding it correctly. Her response was she wants to push for a final status hearing – which can’t happen because he’s been compelled to file 5 years of back taxes (which he hasn’t done) and those are needed for a final status hearing. So even if that is her goal, it can’t happen without all the required financial information (or so that is my understanding), which will require more continuances. Pretty much the same reason this has dragged on for 3 years.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I think it would be worth your while to talk to another lawyer. Maybe someone else could at least explain it to you better.

My temporary agreement gives me a monthly lump sum plus it holds him responsible for medical and homeowners insurance, taxes etc. we could have written negotiated anything into it and then a judge signs off.

As far as taxes, I get why you need them to show his income. If you filed jointly, you should be able to request copies from the IRS. If he has been compelled by the courts and not responded, I would think your attorney could file a contempt motion.

Good luck! #lessonsnooneshouldhavet0learn.

Mg
Mg
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

It’s not just him dragging it on, it’s also your lawyer, because she’s wracking up hours which come out of your pocketbook…. joint accts and finances should have been earmarked/put under lock and key/monitored a long time ago. Seriously, get a new lawyer asap.
You shouldn’t be asking 4x for her to do something, it should already have been on HER gameplan right off the bat, done and settled already. She’s milking you blind.
Consider this: she was the practice run of how not to do things.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Mg

Got-a-brain,
Your story sounds a lot like mine. In my three year divorce saga, I had four (4) legal teams (total of seven (7) lawyers). My last legal team was by far the best for me. If you give your legal team (attorney) multiple chances and aren’t feeling happy with the outcome, it’s probably time to change.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

#3 Fucker.

Little red riding hood
Little red riding hood
6 years ago

1)..keep boundries with people that mistake my kindness for weakness.
2) remember the douche is not my friend. Sociopaths don’t have friends, only victims.
3) keep on keeping on…
4) continue to be the sane parent…my actions today will shape the young men I send out into the world.
5) remember everyday that I am a true badass…i survived
6) just because I don’t see karma, doesnt mean it isn’t happening ..lol

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago

????????

S.Egan
S.Egan
6 years ago

This sums up what I’m experiencing.
Good luck! Go you!

foxforcefive
foxforcefive
6 years ago

Hmm, I am more than ready to say goodbye to a craptacular 2017!

Unchumping myself…

1. Finishing my divorce BEFORE the court date. He and his aggressive lawyer treating me like shit will not break me. Their tactics won’t exhaust me because I am smarter and mightier than they can even imagine.

2. Growing into my role and kicking butt at my new job. I am surrounded by an Executive Board of powerful women and I will learn and grow from being in their orbit.

3. TRAVEL – I will start to do the travel that I have always wanted to do. Next month I am going to London! Can’t wait (a little work, a little play)

4. Working on me. Knowing I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough – all the enoughs. I am. I know it. Dr Turd lost out on the greatest and best person in his life.

What do I think for Dr Turd, Shitbag Extraordinaire? If his Sparkletits Howorker isn’t already pregnant, she will be. He doesn’t like to use protection. He will be saddled with her existing kid, their kid and paying alimony to me. His whining about working for the “rest of his life” will come true. I hope his card house falls down around them. I any event, I won’t care because I’m working towards my Tuesday.

Overall, I hope to reign this year. It will still be a roller coaster, but I have started leveling off because of CN.

FFF

New life, no cheater
New life, no cheater
6 years ago
Reply to  foxforcefive

Bravo FFF! I’m going to try and model your strength with my STBX and his witch of a lawyer. I read a report in the newspaper of the attorney actually kicking someone in the groin in a dispute.
Here’s to a new year and fresh start without cheaters and howorkers!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  foxforcefive

Fox,
I love what you said about learning and growing from being in the orbit of powerful people! I hope that, I, too, can grow in my role in my new industry (nonprofit that helps homeless) and become a significant positive force in the universe in that role and non-work related roles.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

I can’t wait fir 2017 to end. It has been one hellish year. But on the bright, I have a lovely new home, leaving closer to my sister,
put up a new garage, did some impressive landscaping, joined a knitting group, joined the Y Aqua fit and yoga program. Had many lunch dates with friends, two visits with my daughter from the UK. Hosted a couple of afternoon parties. Lawyer end up and got a fair settlement now just biding time to divorce in April! So in spite of, the slap in the face, from Doughboy after 39 years of marriage, I think I accomplished quite a bit.

2018 is going to be a year of joy for me. I’m letting go of all the crap that this betrayal conjured up and I’m going to have fun trying new things. Loving my kids and grandkids and just generally being grateful for the fellowship I have found on this site and my new life.

When I was in NY we were going out for dinner to a lovely restaurant with my kids and I was a little sad being Christmad and all, then my 20 year old grandson wispered to me, ‘you look beautiful Nan” now I don’t have to tell you my heart was just singing after that ! How lucky am I! Happy New Years Fellow Chumps !

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndaloo,
Amazing how much you have done in a year, especially one so tumultuous. You are an inspiration!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Beautiful accomplishments, and such a beautiful gift from your grandson. Happy New Year lyndaloo!

PennyDreadful
PennyDreadful
6 years ago

I need to start making some actual choices about my life. I have ideas, dreams and wishes, but no solid choices. I’m tired of not having solid ground yet.

I need to start embracing ME and stop feeling like I am lacking because I don’t have someone in my life. I keep falling for the same sparkly shit! Mumble a few of my favorite words (can be as simple as “hello”!), and I’m drawn right in…my picker sucks big time!!

This year can’t end quick enough.

As for Cheater McPornypants? I don’t care. I hope he drops dead ’cause I have a great life insurance policy on him!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  PennyDreadful

Pennydreadful,
Love your moniker. I think that you WILL solidify (clarify) your dreams.

When my last attorney told me ‘God forbid he (my then-STBX, abusive adulterer extraordinaire) dies,’ I thought, he’s worth much more to me dead than alive, partly because the pay off from his life insurance policy is greater than what I will get in support for our kids and me and partly because my ex-husband has harassed me for approximately 15 years and will likely never change. Although I occasionally wish that he were dead so that he wouldn’t harass me and would stop scaring off all my (few) romantic prospects (an odd thing to say considering that he cheated on me for years, filed for divorce, and is with his umpteenth partner since he left a few years ago), I am approaching Meh, though, in terms of my husband. I try to ignore the fact that he still breathes somewhere on this planet. Not nearly as close to Meh regarding my ex-boyfriend, though, as he was a mix of Jekyll and Hyde and I miss Jekyll!

Peachy Again Soon
Peachy Again Soon
6 years ago
Reply to  PennyDreadful

Love the name Cheater McPornypants.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  PennyDreadful

Hear hear for the insurance policy ( although it only covers a portion of what he stole during wreckoncilation).

brandib
brandib
6 years ago

Been thinking about this a lot the last couple of days.

Yesterday, I actually ended a toxic relationship that I had gotten into during the shitstorm of my divorce last year. We got involved before I found CN and before I’d started counseling (my counselor advised against dating for at least a year, but I didn’t listen). I thought I wanted a casual no strings companionship. I just didn’t want to be lonely. Yes, I was going to try something new for me & just be in it for the sex. Oh, who in the hell was I kidding?? During the course of the “relationship” I ended up with feelings, he didn’t. Over the course of the year, he’d ghosted me 3 times, only to come back & toss me breadcrumbs & I gobbled them up. The last time he ghosted me was the end of October. Since then he texted me 4 different times for random reasons, the last one wishing me a Merry Christmas. This text prompted me to play a little texting game, knowing how he’d respond, and he didn’t disappoint. Long story short, I ended it calling him chicken shit for being a ghost & then randomly testing me out of the blue (ya, know keeping me on the hook as an option) and to lose my number and never contact me again. Then I blocked him on everything. I felt liberated, yet very sad.

I share all of this because for the first time in 21 years, I am actually alone. During the ghosting periods this year, I did go on dates just for something to do. There was no spark, no chemistry nothing on my part with any of them. I think maybe I’m just not ready to date. Maybe if I’d listened to my counselor a year ago I would be a year progressed and not be feeling like I am back at square one.

So, for 2018 I am going to focus on me. I have always put everyone else’s needs & wants ahead of my own. And for my children, that will continue to a point. My son is 20 & lives on his own & can take care of himself, but if he needs me, I’ll be there. My daughter is 17, lives with me, and we take care of each other. But, this is the year that I put brandib first. I am not going to focus on the loneliness of not having a man in my life. I am also going to put a stop to comparing my life to that of my XH. I’m bitter because of all of the shit he did & he’s walked away, living with embezzling skank, seemingly happy to have imploded the lives of the family he had for 20 years. He’s now trying to help her get custody of her daughter back, so they can be one big happy family. I hate it that he’s happy and that I’m not & he’s the main reason that I’m not. I am focusing on letting that shit go. I want to focus on getting to MEH.

Here’s to new beginnings in 2018.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  brandib

Brandib,

2014 was DD#1, 2015 DD#2 and final DD. I was married for 28 years until the divorce finalized in 2016. I Found Chump Lady a few months after DD #2 and she saved me untold future heartache, horrible mistakes and at the same time provided much needed comic relief. I am so close to Tuesday I can taste it, but I absolutely refuse to say I’m there until I know that I won’t care if Fucktard’s a success or failure, dead or alive (For the record I still prefer a dead failure).

Go back through CL archives. There is so much wisdom from Chump Lady and all the wonderful people on this site. Focus on yourself, check out groups such as MeetUps (Google this for your area), but please don’t date until you get your mind straight and can make good choices for you.

I feel that this is my “Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” moments, so, Yes Brandib, there are good men in the world. I have to believe this and know it to be true because if they were all the same then women would be too. That would make me the same as the the woman my ex-husband had an affair with, and I’m so much better than her. I have morals, ethics, care about my neighbors and community, give to charities, take in strays, and mostly do unto others (again with me preferring him a failure and dead or even seriously maimed thing). Give them a chance, just not right now.

May all Chumps have an amazing 2018.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I’m usually stronger than this, but all of this is a couple of days old & still fresh. I like your name for your XH…I call my XH “Fuckatrd” too 🙂

Happy 2018 to you!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  brandib

A great book my daughters have pointed me to is “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” by Natalie Lue.

It describes so many of the cheater-narc behaviors of love bombing/sparkles and future-faking, followed by the subsequent ghosting, and finally the inevitable hoovering. Good for you that you broke the pattern! The book will totally confirm your feelings about his behaviors are valid, it is good fix-your-picker stuff.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I will check into it. I really do need to fix my picker.

One of the last things my XH told me before we divorced was that all men were alike. They lie & cheat & I needed to lower my standards & accept it. For some reason this keeps resonating in my head. I don’t want to believe this. I do think there are good men out there. I know he was messing with my head and I should just ignore it, but still it’s running through my mind.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  brandib

I am taking a break from dating at present, finding that many men *on the dating site* were alike. Funny, huh? I still have hope that I will find someone of quality and character, but it won’t be there.

But even if it’s true, that *all men* are alike and that *all men* lie and cheat (which I don’t believe at all), nothing says we have to accept it. It is better to be alone than abused.

I like to think in the #metoo era (and the growing CN army) that we are starting to hold people accountable for their actions. Raising kids with healthy boundaries. It will be a long time coming, but maybe the next generations will be healthier for it.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

In light of this last “relationship” I was in, I am taking a break from dating, too. I haven’t been on any dating sites & I do not want to even go there.

I will accept being alone for the rest of my life (I’m 46 & I still think of myself as fairly young) if it means avoiding the abuse.

I certainly hope you’re right about future generations.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  brandib

Brandib,
My recent life course sounds VERY similar to yours. I entered what I thought would be the RELATIONSHIP of my life nearly three years ago, just five months after my husband left as I did not want my friend of many decades ‘get away.’ I didn’t want Mr. Good Guy to be the one who got away. As it turns out Mr. Good Guy was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and threw me over for his work subordinate a few months ago. (Your mileage in Internet dating may vary–I have some friends who met their wonderful spouses through on-line dating.) I’ve tried internet dating with really awful results. Thus, I am going to fight my nature to bond (with a potential romantic partner) because I have been literally and figuratively too beaten up to enjoy dating. Also, although my latest ex-boyfriend seems to be living it up with my replacement 24/7 (they work together, making tons of money, doing impressive things, as they love their work and are childfree), I can’t imagine having sex with, kissing, or even holding hands with another guy as I would feel as though I was cheating on my ex-boyfriend, even though he mistreated me during our intimate relationship and kicked me to the curb multiple times to openly pursue other women! I have an over-inflated sense of loyalty (co-dependency?)

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

“over-inflated sense of loyalty”…this! Even through the ghosting periods I went through with ex-boyfriend, when I would try to date, I felt like I was cheating on him. How effed up is that?? The thing is, where I work, I have tons of men coming through my office on a daily basis. This place is more of a “meat market” than any bar. When word got around that I was getting divorced, ex-bf went in for the kill. I think he saw me as a vulnerable, low self-esteem, lonely, nice looking woman whom he could use for sex. He was a predator & I was his prey. I think he was just a lesson to be learned. But, I got involved with him before CN & I didn’t have the tools from here to know that I was entering dangerous territory & was probably going to get burned. Red flags I see see from the outside looking in, all of CN would have been screaming, “brandib, RUN!”

I really don’t think all men are the same. I look at my best friend & she has been married to a wonderful, faithful man for 20+ years & they are extremely happy. Good men are out there (& good women too, guys). One thing I did rediscover from this past year’s experiences is that I’m not a casual sex type person. When I decide to start dating, it’s going to be with a purpose of finding a committed partner. Plain & simple.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

1. New Year’s Resolution for unchumping myself: Maintain No Contact

2. Most important thing I learned about myself in 2017: I can see who the disordered are. I see who is manipulative. I identify their tactics. (Not just James Bond. Jesus-Cheaters. Righteous people. You know: the holy ones. Saints.)

3. Most fanciful predictions for cheater in the next year: Who?

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Amen and ditto to all 3! Happy New Year!!!!????

zyx321
zyx321
6 years ago

Like many of you, 2018 cannot come soon enough, though I am enjoying the end of the year in New Orleans with my kids.

1. 2018: Time to get rid of my depression (non clinical, but clearly I had issues this year. I gained almost 20 pounds (on top of the divorce diet weight which I had regained the previous 2 years). Partially it’s because I can no longer do my favorite exercise activity, and partially because I am exhausted with all the kid issues and stresses… but time to get serious. No more excuses!

I just found a new therapist, and I am taking a paid leave from work for a couple of months– goal is to finally get daughter on a good path, and for me to spend some time on ME. Plan to walk 20k-30k steps per day! Any virtual walking buddies out there want to keep me honest?
I have been seeing a really nice guy off and on– time to maybe take it up a notch, and focus on fun for me.

2. I am not Superwoman, or Wonder Woman…. I need to tell others I need help, and I need to take time for myself and learn to NOT STRESS. I get anxious about doing everything. My personality is that I cannot stand to be late (not good when you are the sole driver for two teenagers….). Time to settle down and get back in touch with me, and all my friends out there.

3. Cheater will continue to be stressed over money. I know it means I am probably not at meh, but I felt grim satisfaction when I got ex’s plaintive email about money when I contacted him to ask for the payment which is 8 weeks late (not child support, he does cover that). Better new life and all that… ha!

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
6 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

If you have a fitbit, I would love to be virtual walking buddies. or just report out here.

My 2017 was not bad, It was my 2nd year and I am pretty MEH about EX but angry and stress with the financial stress of two sons in college for the last 2 years and 0 help. But it also means he is not in my sons lives messing with their heads. Really a win, something I need to remind myself of once in a while.

I had a numb year 2017. After two cancer surgeries (2016), I just never perked back up. I put on weight so now I am at highest point ever, and I do not feel good at this weight physically. The hormones are a mess… LOL I think I have also had some depression that I had trouble pushing past.

So for 2018 …

Make it more about me and finding some fun in my life. with exercise and travel. I have decided that I do not need a travel companion I am going on a few weekend end trips alone and work my way up to bigger ones.

I am not ready to date, and I am going to let that be alright. I get a lot of well wishers pushing me to get out there, but I am happy right now with me. Why make myself miserable for others expectations.

Learn not to let my self stay in dead in job out of misplaced loyalty. It is still my life and I have to be happy at the one place I spend most of my time. I was just so grateful to find a good one after being a stay at home mom for 20 years that I did not consider how lonely it would be.

Learn to live a bit more from my heart and not so much in the mind. I have always been so logical and practical. Time to be silly and just in life for the fun.

As for EX. My prediction is that he will marry his new (not OW) woman and take great financial care of her and her two kids. He makes great money at a shiny new job so he will be financially stable and travel often.

His life will be shiny and new. I know he will slowly become unhappy but I do not think he will be self destructive. He will not miss me, he was unhappy with me (as he is with everyone) but that will be his cross to bear not mine. Once when talking to his EX-wife she said the greatest relief is not have to work so hard to make him happy, she was right it was a huge burden lifted off mine and the kids shoulders. Of course she also had a 10 year off and on affair with him while we were married. I learned this during the conversation I had with her while divorcing EX. I was shocked but found she was just one of at least 3. Better out of that mess.

Happy New Year CN. May 2018 be filled with blessings!

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
6 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

Add me to the FitBit group! I want more friends on Fitbit dot com as I need the motivation and encouragement.

@zyx321, tell your teenagers to walk, bike or take the bus. Mine has a bus pass and he actually likes the independence it gives him. I do make him check in with his cell phone so I know he’s safe.

@zyx321 and TheBestMe, both of your posts point to the fact that cheaters are *never* happy. It’s almost as if they are the Goldilocks of the adult world: it’s too big, too small, too hot, too cold ——– and even “just right” is right enough or for very long.

zyx321
zyx321
6 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

Hi guys!
In the New Year I will start a FitBit forum heading.
Yes, my ex was never happy– claimed it was because he did what OTHERS expected him to do/be (me, my family, his family). Ummm, no. He picked the grad school topic, and post grad job.
Kids and bus: daughter takes the bus 15 miles to her school. Son is out of district (we live 8 miles from the school) so no bus for him, though he does carpool occasionally with another family. It is more all the appts. But I do hope to get it more under control this year (appts the same week, etc).

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

I’m with the Fitbit too though I struggle to do 10,000 steps a day let alone 30,000. I backed off towards the end of the year (don’t you always) because got lazy but previous to that it was getting easier. And yeah I put on a shedload of weight (thank you menopause) but really would like to get it off in 2018. And to the lady who wanted to travel, you might want to check out solos groups. I’m British so fly out through the UK. I live in France and could easily go with French groups but when you travel with your own compatriots you all laugh at the same stupid jokes. They’re not dating groups by any show although I guess some people do hook up. I’ve done 8 trips so far (I think) and off to Costa Rica in February. So if you don’t like travelling alone (I don’t and in any case I wanted to feel safe) check out groups like this. (My absolute favourite travelling companion was an 85 year old Englishman with a fabulous sense of humour).

sayonara sad sausage
sayonara sad sausage
6 years ago

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions for unchumping yourself?

Continue to set goals and journal. I’ve gotten off track trying to survive during the holidays.

2. What was the most important thing you learned about yourself in 2017?

That I get what I think I deserve and to trust that they suck

3. He is now engaged (less than five months since I kicked him out) he will get married and slowly let his mask slip to wife #3 while his disordered family supports his behavior. Step Son #3 will move back with his mom, step sons #1&2 don’t speak to him. He will continue to not pay his bills and maybe get a DWI.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

Hmmm, New Year’s resolutions? Mine are more about myself this year. Making small changes to improve my life:

* going to bed earlier and actually going straight asleep as opposed to scrolling through my phone for hours! (I am not getting quality sleep because I’m an idiot that plays with her phone instead!)

* less swearing, or none at all (I’ve become too lax with naughty words, and it’s becoming a bad habit)

* cutting down sugar intake (I have tried before, but I always get headaches. I must be a sugar junkie!)

* becoming a more organised person (I am such a scatterbrain. And I need to NOT be, as I’m starting a new job that requires me to get my sh*t together and stay ahead of the game!)

Drew
Drew
6 years ago

Love this!

S.Egan
S.Egan
6 years ago

Latest research states people who swear more are more intelligent!
Hone that talent, motherf….r!????
Swap swearing for sugar!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  S.Egan

Fucking A-right they are.

VorpalKitten
VorpalKitten
6 years ago
Reply to  S.Egan

If I swap out my sugar, I *will* be swearing, ehehe!

I know I have to reduce my sugar intake, but it’s very hard….I’m addicted!

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  VorpalKitten

I am addicted too. It’s very tough and embarrassing that it isn’t taken seriously.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago

Gah. This SHOULD be my list as well. I am notorious for staying up reading “just one more page…”

MsProfessor
MsProfessor
6 years ago

1). Reaching Meh
2) That I am stronger than I had ever realised
3) That his turning-40-induced crisis that brought him to boinking a granny old enough to be his mommy will have him perusing through the local senior centres, looking for new partners (an apparent personal preference that my coworkers and I have decided to name GILFs – Grannies Idiot Loves to F*ck)
Yay for 2017 to be over!

Over and Out
Over and Out
6 years ago
Reply to  MsProfessor

#3 – GILFs… lmao

Good riddance!!!

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
6 years ago

Ok, I’ll play!

1. I’m going to keep working on minimal contact as we share custody. Been doing a good job the last 2 months – I’m on a roll!

2. I learned that I can do a whole lot of household maintenance that I always let XH take care of – thank you YouTube! And that I have many more friends who love and support me than I ever realized. And that maybe in 2018, I might be ready to venture back into dating. Here’s hoping!

3. Cheater predictions? Eh, I’m sick of his drama. Custody battle over the surprise baby with now-ex-mistress, new girlfriend with even more kids…whatever. As long as the support payments are on time, he can wallow in the shitty life he created for himself. The karma bus hit him, then backed over him to finish the job! He’ll be working until he’s 70 to pay child support for the next 18 years, instead of retiring at 55 like he always wanted. I get to gain a life that is made up of 100% my own choices. I win!

May 2018 be a year of opportunities, growth (personal growth, not girth – lol CL!) and abundance for CN!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Contrary to many here, I am not so anxious to put 2017 behind me. I did feel that way in 2016, 6months post dday. 2017, however has been a year of finding my voice and even though I have a long way to go, I am making progress albeit somewhat slow.

This morning I decided to stop at Starbucks with my 15 and 13 year old after a day trip we are taking with another family got delayed. We all got holiday drinks and as we were driving away, my thoughts (unfortunately) went to fuckwit and how when we were traveling, he would stop at Starbucks and maybe ask me if I wanted something but never ask the kids. My spackling: he is driving, he earns the money, we shouldn’t spoil the kids…. If I did get something, it would be a small coffee, never a holiday drink. So today as I splurge, I remember how when we travelled, my dad would always take us to McDonalds or Dairy Queen or some such place and he would let us order whatever our hearts desired. It was a special treat and all part of the fun and a good memory. So I am trying to reclaim that part of me for my kids.

I hope to continue to find my old self and build a new self in the process. I want to create healthy boundaries and teach my kids to do the same. I feel bad that at 50 plus years I am trying to learn something so basic but life is a process.

People have told me I am strong and handling this well and I hope that in 2018, I will learn to accept compliments graciously and stop belittling myself and just thinking I am fooling them.

I am thankful that chump nation is here to help me through it all.

As for my wishes for fuckwit, I want him to stop taking up space in my Brain!

2017- I have learned fuckwit and his disordered parents will never be “happy”. I, on the other hand, have found “joy”, and it is so much better.

Here is to a joyful 2018!

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I love everything about your post — especially about creating special memories with your children. You will never regret it.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“As for my wishes for fuckwit, I want him to stop taking up space in my Brain!”

AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!!

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Feelingit,
Your post is so positive, filled wth hope, and most important, filled with love for your five precious Children, and now, for yourself- finally, it is time , enough is enough!????
You grow stronger every day.
You deserve all positive happenings in life dear Feelingit.
I have said it before and will say it again, the TRUTH will prevail as you go through your divorce proceedings in the Spring of 2018.
You and your good, kind heart will be victorious.
As for the cheater and not a drink for the kids, well he can sip on his extra large Starbucks all by himself. His sad sad loss. He threw so much away!

I hope to be sleeping as the clock strikes midnight and when I awaken to 2018 I hope for happiness to gradually work its way into the lives of my daughters and their families. It has been a very sad, difficult year.
Every day as I read the posts I can’t help but notice that all Chumps put their Children first, always first is their devotion to making life as good as possible for their precious off spring.
Cheaters, not so much!

Happy New Year Dear CL!
Happy New Year Dear Chumps of CN

Xxxxxxxx
Peacekeeper

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Love to read your posts as usual peacekeeper.

I was thinking today as we were driving on our fun trip( that fuckwit would have hated,) I am an optimistic person but Fuckwit tried to take that out of me for nearly 30 years and so it was dull but it is coming out again little by little. He once told me (a very long time ago) that he was attracted to me on our first date because when I came down to the lobby of my dorm to meet him, I was wearing a bright red coat and had a big smile on my face. In other words, I was vibrant. He was the one who I now realize was always saying “it will be better when…” and blaming me for everything wrong. He complained and cut down everyone. No more, as my daughter always says, “I am going to live like my blood type- b positive.”

So thank you for saying my posts are optimistic. I will graciously accept your compliment.

I think you are a very positive person and I will strive to do what you do.. I hope that 2018 will be better for you and your daughters and your grandchildren. They are all so lucky to have you. Your cheater is more that lucky but I am sure he doesn’t get it.

Happy New Year to you!

XXXX

BowTie
BowTie
6 years ago

Going to fill in mine first and then go back and read the others.

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions for unchumping yourself?
– Finish the disentangling from Mme YogaPants and get to meh. I’m sooo close. The last bit is the divorce which she was supposed to have completed more than a week ago. Email to lawyer saying “wuzzup” sent this morning. It “will” happen even if I have to do it myself.

2. What was the most important thing you learned about yourself in 2017?
– That I’m going to be OK. Even if I stay alone. I don’t “need” anyone in my life so a new partner will need to be special.

And, if you’re not feeling entirely meh yet…

3. What are your (fanciful) predictions for your cheater in the new year?
– I hope that Mme and her guy get married and try for their happily ever after. I hope that her kids attend the wedding and stand around awkwardly knowing how this all came about (they do). Not sure about his kids.

Then they need to deal with the reality of who they are. Maybe it will work perfectly fine for them. I was prepared to accept Mme for the rest of our lives even knowing her shortcomings. The bar for them though is set so very much higher.

She would be stepping into the shoes of his dead wife. A mother, grandmother, a person who he would have trusted. Perhaps even one who hit all the marks of WIFE. I do my own ironing and always have, she was pretty poor at washing, f*cking was a chore for her and there was a definite lack of etc. I used to jokingly refer to her to myself as Mrs Minimum Payment.

He will always be measured against me. I don’t know the man but I do know that by all accounts that I was a pretty darned good husband and father.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

Bow tie, you sound like you have your act together! Good on you. I really don’t see myself with anyone else either! It’s just too much work at my age and I’m really pretty content on my own with my cute house, good friends, family and my faithful cats! LOL There is a life out there that I really wasn’t participating in, as I was too busy tending to Doughboy and his never ending needs! So now it’s my time to spend as I wish and it’s darned nice!
As for Doughboy and Dumbell they both got what they deserve, a cheater. Best wishes for a joyful happy 2018!

Garbage
Garbage
6 years ago

1. I’ve come to the realization that nothing will ever change no matter how hard I try. Some people are born to be abused, used and are throw-away people; Gods plan for my life. I’ve been trying my entire life to be a good person and do the right thing. Not perfect, but trying with the same results. I’m no longer playing the game of my life. It’s freeing saying, “I’m not doing this anymore.”

2. I’m smart and can do well academically if I put in the time and effort.

3. Ex-patho liar, serial cheater, serial adulterer/narcopath will live happily ever after. Nothing will ever touch him. He has and will get away with 100% of everything he did to me and all he has to say in the end is, “I’m sorry, Jesus”, and will even go to heaven! What a deal that is! My pastor said even Jeffrey Dahmer will be in heaven if he said he was sorry, so for sure my abuser will be there too. If Jeffrey and Cheater are in heaven, I don’t want to be there. Sounds more like hell to me

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Garbage

Dear G(arbage),

YOU are definitely not garbage and hope that you don’t think of yourself that way. You and I are kindred spirits. I get the part about people being born to be abused and thrown away. I used to joke to people that my life was the topic of those ‘anti-inspirational’ dark humor posters with slogans such as, ‘Do you ever think that your life is an example of how things can go wrong?’ accompanied by a photo of a sinking ship. I still think that my life is a ‘warning’ to others and, often think that no matter how hard I try to be polite, kind, and productive, that my life will never go right! Nonetheless, I think that I can at least sometimes serve as an example of someone who tries hard to improve the world in spite of feeling really crappy virtually all the time! I hope that you feel some solace in knowing that you have and are trying to ‘do right.’ By trying to do right, you serve as a role model to others and act as a positive force in the darkness. I think that most people are selfish or indifferent, which makes people like you very special–in a good way!

If you are smart and can do well academically, you have a great gift! One of my kids has special needs. His challenges and those I have seen in some other kids who are greatly challenged remind me of how fortunate those who are smart and academically very capable are. Let this knowledge that you are smart support you when you are feeling especially down.

I think that most of my abusive, lying, and in some cases, cheating, exes (plural) will live happily ever after and I very well might not. Agnostic, I don’t believe that there is a life after this one and that a loving, just god will ‘right the wrong’ or ‘even the score.’ The injustice in the world, to me and many others, is a bee in my bonnet. I have often thought about committing suicide but have not done so because I don’t want my abusive, psychologically disordered ex-husband to become the sole custodian of our (still minor) children. As I can’t ‘acceptably’ easily permanently ‘check out’ of life, I am trying to get ‘comfortable’ with the fact that injustice that I cannot ‘right’ exists by being mindful. Instead of seeking justice when I know that I cannot get justice, I try to observe what is happening in the universe, like a very attentive babysitter watching a baby, attentively observing what is going on around me until my shift (my life) is done.

I really hope that your life takes a turn for the better. You deserve better. We genuine chumps all deserve better.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Rockstar,

🙂 negative thoughts cripple us. Open a window (figuratively speaking if you are buried in snow as I am 🙂 ) and let them out!

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/2017/01/turn-around-negative-thinking/

Banish them! We are no less than those that harmed us. Quit giving them the power to harm you! Step into your life 🙂 It’s so much better out here 🙂

Quit giving your life to others … feel your joy! Your life, your children, your loved ones 🙂 Gifts! 🙂 Go there! 🙂

Don’t dwell in hell! Let that life GO!

1. I need to get a job that I want to go to.

2. I am mighty. I survived abuse for all my life.

3. I no longer care what happens in his life… I no longer lay down and take abuse from him or anyone. I was there for him and bunches of others…won’t do that for him or anyone ever again…that isn’t also there for me. Stop giving your time on this earth to people that won’t be there for you when you need. Just stop.

…the ’empty’ void will fill up with people worthy of your love and grace 🙂

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

JeepTess,
I love that motto, ‘Step into your own life!’

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

(((((((RockStarWife)))))))

🙂 Happy New Year 🙂 Make it YOUR year 🙂

Love to you and CL and CN 🙂 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

no-way
no-way
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

This resonated with me. Thank you. I can now frame my life and role a bit differently thanks to your words.

We are “on shift” because they can’t be, they are sick (in the head) , off on holiday (shacked up with the OW) or have been made redundant (kicked out of the house). We are the only staff left to care for our children and carry out our duties. It is hard work coz we’re on our own but if we have a decent boss it’ll be with all the work and we shall reap the benefits.

I can do this. I will do this. He is the failure, not me!
I am renewed in spirit. Couldn’t do it without this site… x

Khris
Khris
6 years ago
Reply to  Garbage

jojobee is correct. Just saying “sorry” doesn’t work with the Lord. A lot of people will find that out the hard way.

Now, things will change if you want them to. It is not easy, but it does happen. As for your ex, as my Grandmother used to say “God doesn’t come down and hit you with a stick” but in the end, justice is served. I am seeing that with my ex right now and never thought it would catch up with her. It is.

And please change your name. You are not garbage.

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

Garbage, it’s time for some EMDR therapy. My whole life changed after it and the self-shaming emotional flooding that happens disappeared as well. Look into not anyway. People can pick up on it when you’ve started to heal from PTSD that you sure sound like you have.

ThanksButImGood
ThanksButImGood
6 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Agreed . EMDR therapy is really helping me too . It was horribly upsetting at first but now 7 sessions later I feel better .

I accept I’ve been the scapegoat in my family and in relationships . I take on the sins of others and make them my own , thinking I was responsible for their bad behavior . I’m not that powerful !

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Garbage

I’m so familiar with the self-bashing and the “giving up on the world” mindset … it’s such an awful feeling being stuck in that. In order to beat it — to find some solid ground with which to move forward, I have done a number of things to work on overcoming this mindset (like you, I was in a dark spot — so some truly kind people who’ve been through it — on this site — gave me a bunch of suggestions):

1. I got a therapist to work through the ugly thoughts and to get an action plan for no longer allowing myself to be a friggin’ doormat.

2. Distraction. When my mind starts to spin in a downward spiral toward the ugly thoughts, I try to acknowledge that is what is happening … then I try self-care (like meditation) and calming, distracting activities (like reading, cleaning, re-organizing cupboards … whatever gets my mind focused elsewhere and is not a negative).

3. When all else fails, and something triggers me completely into a spiral — again, I acknowledge that is what is happening. I remind myself that it is temporary and I try not to encourage the spontaneous, negative thoughts that tend to come with it (self-bashing, etc.). And, I still work through the self-care routine.

All of this has helped immensely to cut down on the amount of spirals I have — and the duration of them when they happen in spite of my best efforts.

I promise you — it gets better.

Sending a big (((hug))),

Jess’s Mom

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago
Reply to  Garbage

First, change your name from Garbage. You are not Garbage….you are Mighty, so start thinking of yourself that way. And things Can and Will Change the minute YOU CHANGE! You were not put on this earth to be abused.

Get yourself a damned good therapist, because you are suffering some monster depression. This is your life and you can change it and find a measure of joy. But, it will take some serious work on your part to change your mindset. I get it, really I do. I was on your shoes not too very long ago thinking that this was what I deserved from life, but it’s not the case. We deserve, you deserve so much more.

As for fuckwit and Jeffrey Dahomer, no chance would the God I believe in allow them into His Kingdom without true remorse and restitution to those they’ve harmed. Since we know that they are incapable of true feeling, empathy or remorse, I think Heaven is safe for you.

((((Hugs to you)))) please keep posting here so we can see your progress towards that better life you so richly deserve!

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
6 years ago

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Garbage

Your Pastor seems misinformed. Saying “Sorry,” is not a get in to heaven free card. There has to be actual true, deep, remorse and the real intent to stop committing whatever sins you are indeed sorry for, in order to be forgiven. There may be the possibility of forgiveness for all, but that is not the same thing as actual forgiveness of all. Many people continue to choose evil. If your ex is one of them he will spend his eternity clinging to one of Satan’s hemorrhoids trying desperately not to fall into a lake of fire, but close enough to have his pubic hair catch ablaze. People always want to remember the God of mercy, they seem to forget he is also a God of justice. I count on evil to continue to be evil and not actually be remorseful, therefore I’m pretty sure they are not bound for heaven. Maybe I’m not either, but it gives me some satisfaction to realize they may not actually suffer at all in this life (some narcs really don’t; they get away 100%), but they will in the next.

And yes, it may even be true that you and I and many chumps will suffer here. But we can choose good anyway.

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Jojobee you nailed it. I loved the bit about “Satan’s hemorrhoids trying desperately not to fall into a lake of fire, but close enough to have his pubic hair catch ablaze.” I have got to be careful reading this site at lunch and trying to eat.

Thanks for this.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago

For 2018:

1. Pay off more debt. I’m going to be throwing money at my car and will have it paid off by November or December of 2018. (I just paid off a personal loan from my marriage the other day. That felt like a second Christmas!)

2. Start saving for a SERIOUS adventure vacation for my son and I. We want to go to Montana to hunt and fish with a professional outfitter.

3. Seek professional counseling to deal with FOO issues. My mother is a narcissist, my sister is bully (maybe also a narcissist) and I seem to have taken the role of the scapegoat for a lot of years. We did Christmas Day at my parent’s house in shifts this year because my sister didn’t want to see me. I think she’s mad because me and my son started hunting. oh well. not her life, not her kid, not her decision. Mom wanted ME to fix it with my sister. Hell to the No. After she posted mean, cruel shit on facebook (yes she did and she meant to shame me) because we went hunting. Whatever. One less toxic person to deal with.

4. Keep going to the gym, drinking red wine, eating what i like, cooking when i want and not cooking when i don’t.

5. Loving my son and enjoying his company.

6. Being Happy being single

7. Doing the activities that I love.

ThanksButImGood
ThanksButImGood
6 years ago
Reply to  conniered

*****raising hand ****
Scapegoat here too :
Went NC with my NPD father who was horribly abusive up until the day I went NC.
I will never speak to him or see him again .

Will not let anyone degrade , demean , belittle or manipulate me again . If I lose my entire family over it , I’m ok with that .

This year I will strengthen my boundaries more , learn the art of being selfish and saying NO more .
Anyone whom I have to explain common decency to will be immediately ghosted.
I will no longer maintain friendships that aren’t 2 way , no more rescuing people from their bad decisions , no more dumping their emotional garbage on me .

It maybe a very solitary year for me , but I have lots of hobbies and interests that I’d put on back burner to bail out and enable people who weren’t deserving a minute of my attention

Unicornscomingoutmynose
Unicornscomingoutmynose
6 years ago

1 My goal for 2018 is to keep putting one foot in front of another. I am not even 3 months out from D-Day, so this very basic resolution is one in which I do not contemplate ending my life. It’s one in which I embrace being alive. It’s one in which I recognize that there are still beautiful people and beautiful moments in the world, and I let beauty and gratitude carry me forward.

2 In 2017, I learned that one’s world can change in a moment, and that beliefs aren’t facts. The man I thought I’d grow old with in the newly purchased home of my dreams and a comfortably endowed savings account had been cheating on me for years and had finagled the house paperwork so I had no claim to it, although I had contributed my savings for the downpayment.

I also learned I can survive. I’m here. I am bruised and damaged, and I’m wearing some really weird outfits to work because I left everything behind when I moved cross country to find work (and then lost 25 lbs due to stress.) I have PTSD and the oddest things — cupcakes and plaid pajamas, to name but two — cause me to fall apart and sob uncontrollably. But I’m here. I have some nice belts to hold up my pants, and Goodwill is helping me dress better. The sobbing is decreasing (thanks to being heavily medicated, and also to avoiding bakeries and only wearing solidly-patterned PJs). It’s all so ridiculous.

I learned that I have angels among my friends and family, people who continue to drop everything to be with me, who take my panicked phone calls at 2am when I can’t sleep, who comfort me as if I am 4 years old, not 51, and tell me things will get better. I am starting to believe them.

3 My cheater has always been someone who could fall into a vat of manure and come up smelling like roses. I predict that will continue. It is my hope that I will stop caring so much. In the words of CL, he is occupying too much mental real estate, and I’m sick of it.

Happy new year, chumps. I wish you nothing but happiness in 2018.

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago

Oh gosh Unicorn, I read your post and realize you are about where I was just over a year ago. I thought I would never survive. I thought if one more person told me to stay strong, I would scream and maybe strangle that person. I thought, what the hell does staying strong look like. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I, like many chumps lost a lot of weight that I didn’t need to lose and woke up every morning anxious and wondering how I would make it through.

A year later and I know I will survive and I actually believe I am strong even though I still get scared sometimes. The divorce process is hard but deep down I know I will be OK.

You would think after that, I would have some sage advice to help you feel better and I would imagine other chumps feel the same. I can’t point to anyone thing or any specific moment but I am so much better and I am not at meh yet so it will get even better.

The biggest help is the realization that he sucks. I don’t totally always trust it yet but I am getting closer. Over time, this site and talking to people and reading have confirmed that fuckwit is a disordered narcissist who is mean. It is not my imagination, I am not crazy, he is good at manipulating empathetic chumps like me.

Keep coming here and telling your story and I think you slowly realize and believe. Betrayal is the worst thing you can go through, worse than death because at least with death there is societal protocol for dealing with it. Hugs to you.

You are strong because you can move across the country and go to work. That is so mighty!

Unicornscomingoutmynose
Unicornscomingoutmynose
6 years ago
Reply to  feelingit

Thank you! Your comments are so helpful. Hugs to you too.

CheaterDefeater
CheaterDefeater
6 years ago

Unicorn , talk to a lawyer about potential fraud in the house purchase . Find out if there is a way to recover .

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago

Oh, Unicorn. You can do this. You ARE doing this. I will virtually join you in letting beauty and gratitude carry us forward. There IS still so much beauty in the world. Letting it in makes me weep, so I default to numb. I’m gonna go look at the sky and think of you.

Let beauty and gratitude carry us forward. That is officially my resolution for 2018. Thank you.

Janus
Janus
6 years ago

This week has already been a time of working on #1. I’ve formalized the fact that my superficial social media connections with X’s Family have to go. They’ve been bribed with expensive trips to embrace OW. While X does not pay alimony. I had higher hopes this time last year, as I had beaten X in court, we had a written settlement agreement and X was acting civilized. A year later, X hasn’t complied and is rubbing it in my face. His family is sanctimoniously telling me that I shouldn’t react, as that would be “bitter;” I need to move forward and forgive. Because “forgiveness” is the main part of their loudly proclaimed Christianity that they embrace. Lying, cheating and stealing are OK as long as they get some of the cash. So they have to go and I have to go back to court and hit X hard. X tried to seduce me a few months ago and my boundaries weren’t adequately up. So continued boundary work is a big goal. Social media connections with Switzerland friends and X’s family are out. I also need to control my anger, as it is just kibbles.

2. I learned that I was raised with no belief that I was entitled to boundaries. That an authority figure or partner could treat me with disrespect and I had to ride it out until their behavior calmed down, rather than walk away. When I was younger, I was better at walking away from abuse in non-marital relationships. In a marriage, where homes, finances and kids were at stake, not so much. I feel so much better – and am treated so much better – when I CALMLY assert my boundaries.

I’ve also learned that we are in a very superficial society. Most people do not have your back as you ride the roller coaster of infidelity and abuse. They want it over with and want you to get back to being light and fun AT ALL TIMES. Amazing that you can go months or years without sharing the mess, but if there is a setback, most will react with impatience and change the subject. Thank goodness for CN.

3. My cheater has been involved with OW – off and on, but mostly on – for 6 years. He hid it for over 2, until outed by OW’s sister via an email to my office. GINR and Faux reconciliation followed. His daughter then came out. He freaked and took off back to OW. Tried to sell OW to my adult stepkids and failed. Litigated with me, lost, agreed to pay me a fair amount, and so tried again to come back. (Came to “move his things,” jumped on me and broke my rib.) X then doubled down on selling OW to the kids, which has been successful. Because he did it via big expensive trips that he paid for using the money he was supposed to be using to pay me. So he is living large and I am behind the ????

In 2018, to look like his mess is actually “twu luv,” I expect he will put a ring on OW. My adult ex stepkids are already sanctimoniously telling me that they hope I forgive, move forward, find happiness and look back with fondness at our time together. Because that is their prescription for making themselves feel better. They can’t abide awkwardness.

I was well on the way to Meh, but the financial abuse has caused a relapse. For me, I see a year of frugality and hopefully – by summer – dating ahead, as I am angry at the breached agreement, but well and truly over X.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Your post just gave me an a ha moment. In my deposition, fuckwit’s lawyer asked me something like isn’t forgiveness one of the tenants of your religion? I just said yes as I am not quit witted especially under stress. Afterwards, I thought of a million better responses. Moving forward, if I am faced with such a question, I will reply that my religion is a package deal and you are not allowed to pick and choose. Thanks Janus.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Exchange this horrible family for a court date with a hard ass lawyer.

Good Grief their bad DNA shows doesn’t it?

2018 will be a glorious year for you!!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

1. Court date on Jan. 11. Hoping to end 2 years of trying to get divorced. My resolution is to cut off all monitoring of STBX’s activity. He is playing creative accounting games and I am trying to build evidence but once I have the decree, I resolve to cut that off even though I am sure he will continue or start a new plan to hide income for the future.

2. I learned that I am an honest person and even with all the lying and cheating, I will not resort to do it back to him. And I will continue to make it through each day.

3. My fanciful prediction is that he will drink and drive one too many times, get in a wreck, and die. My more realistic prediction is that he will get his young thing pregnant and want to get free of responsibility again and she will be cheated on, too. My hopeful prediction is that the judge on Jan. 11 will see through his crap and give us a settlement based on truth and maybe even a little compassion for me rather than believe the tale of lies he has woven. I really don’t want to get screwed over by the legal system on top of everything STBX has done.

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I will be praying for you on Jan. 11!

Special Snowflake ha!
Special Snowflake ha!
6 years ago

For my New Years resolution, I have developed a 2 year plan to be out of debt except for the mortgage. MVM always had us on the cusp of bankruptcy living paycheck to paycheck and always losing his job. Now, I’m in the black every.damned.month. That takes a huge amount of stress off of me to finally be in control of my finances.

What I learned this year was how resilient I can be. From being “not enough” and “ not thinking about things right”, I have learned that I am actually very capable and methodical. When the going gets tough, I put my head down and get to work until the situation is resolved. Finally realized that’s who kept it together all these years!

As for MVM and his Cracker Barrel Whore, I predict that they will eventually get married as neither can be alone. When that happens, who cares? Two skanky whores are together, which makes the world a little bit safer for us Chumps. That is until they get bored with each other.

Wishing everyone here a Safe and Happy New Year!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago

I could have written this word for word. I don’t know where the money is coming from. I went from a two paycheck household to my paycheck. I have increased my contribution to retirement, put money in savings each month, paid off a loan and my car, and never want for anything. What the fuck did he do with all the money? I’m in the same house with the same mortgage and utility bills and it’s not a problem. I went from living paycheck to paycheck to having a savings account and going on two awesome vacations per year.

I was the one holding everything together. I even do basic maintenance on my house including drywall, trim, electrical, plumbing, and demolition (pool vs. sledgehammer). I figured if he could do it, I certainly could because I’m smarter than him and have Youtube.

They did get married. Which still boggles the mind. I can think about dating again, no problem. But to actually think about legally binding myself to someone again makes me shutter. And that would be to someone who I trusted. To marry someone who I know is a cheater is just stupid.

Happy 2018!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Annie we must be twins separated at birth. That was my story exactly. He got drunk one day and came back with a 60,000 dollar car! Nothing like showing up at a car dealership drunk is there. I took on all the debt and bought him out of the house (I only earned about 100 dollars a month more than him). But I am on track to paying off my mortgage 8-9 years early. The Twat makes the same in pension as I get in salary and they are still struggling (they have the same mortgage payment as me). Schmoopie then went back to work “because she was bored”. I think she is now seeing what it’s like living with someone who just blows through money. He left his rented property here in France without even empting it on 5 days notice. Excess baggage at the airport? Over 3,000 dollars. I’m so glad I’m no longer funding him and his way out of control life.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

;). Sometimes I’m struck with wonder on just how stupid he is and why the hell I didn’t see it before. Love really is blind. I have been absolutely no contact since the day of the divorce in June 2016. I blocked him from my phone. My boys told me he just couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t returning his calls or text. On my suggestion I told them to stay out of it and tell him to email me if it was so damn important. He did. It seems he realized when he signed the deed over to me, the mortgage wasn’t part of it. His name is still on it and he needed me to get an assumption of mortgage so he and cumdumpster could buy a house. I told him sure, but he needed to pay the costs. I haven’t heard from him again. I probably wont for awhile, if ever. Anything that requires any effort is rejected.

After DD#2, he went out and bought a bright red truck with a lift. My youngest, 21 at the time, told me that it was stupid and didn’t his father know that the gas mileage would suck, tires would be hugely expensive, it wouldn’t do all that well in the snow and ice, and there were a ton more mechanical issues with a lift. I just smiled and said, “No, probably he didn’t think beyond the shine, but we know, don’t we?” He borrowed my eldest son’s truck to drive to Maryland to attend this sames son’s wedding saying the son needed to lend him one of his vehicles because he (the son) had three and his (Fucktard) truck didn’t get good gas mileage and her (cumdumpsters) vehicle had a lot of mechanical issues. Fucktard rolled his shiny truck on the icy highway the week after the wedding.

The list goes on and on.

Oh the joy of leaving a cheater and gaining a life.

Champ
Champ
6 years ago

I was so sick of 2017 that I turned the calendar to 2018 back in November.

1. This sounds shallow, but my goal for 2018 is to look and feel great for my age. A recent picture of Poopsie inspired me … she is rough looking after 3 years with her (formerly my) twu wuv. Last year I accomplished a lot financially … I proved that I can make money and handle things on my own, I got some debts paid off, and I planned the next steps in my future. This year I’m working on myself … washing my face before bed will no longer be a special thing I do once a year when I have time!

2. I learned that for me it’s better not to share dreams or even what I’m doing this weekend … I really got tired of friends’ feedback, as well-meaning as it was, because no one really reached the depths of insight that I wanted them to (except for CL and CN, of course). I’ve always overshared, and I’m finding being mysterious is much more fun. I’m an introvert anyway … 2018 will be the year to live quietly and keep ’em guessing.

3. I predict The Evil Twins won’t age well in their retirement, mentally or physically. I predict that I will. 🙂

I hope 2018 is better for you all.

no-way
no-way
6 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Love it! I could have written the same!
Let’s staying lured and proactive.
Wash that face!!
x

no-way
no-way
6 years ago
Reply to  no-way

Lured? Silly phone… That show have said inspired

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

So many of the comments here are about finding another partner. The notion that “we” aren’t good enough in our own rite is taught to us very early in life. We have to have someone in our life or we are somehow inadequate. I can remember my grandmother asking if I had a beau as a teenager? So out we go in the world and start frantically looking for someone before we even have a clue who we are, or what we should be looking for in a life partner. Then when we think we’ve found him/her we’re committed, never dreaming our life would be blown apart by this partner we thought was wonderful.
It’s such a blow to the ego to be betrayed and replaced and then discarded, we often just rush back out into the dating again, looking for someone who will make us feel worthy. While this is possibly the worst time to get involved with a new partner. We are so vulnerable and hurt we can once again easily find ourselves a bad situation. So if your a newbee to this clan, think about fixing not only your picker but healing yourself before dashing out to find Mr//Ms right. Get involved in the things you like to do, take trips, meet up with friends and spend some time alone if you can to get to know yourself. Keep reading on this site and learn from the many stories posted here. Best wishes to all Chumps for a joyful 2018!

Chumpyte
Chumpyte
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

“It’s such a blow to the ego to be betrayed and replaced and then discarded, we often just rush back out into the dating again, looking for someone who will make us feel worthy.”

@Lyndaloo, so true, and even more so when you come from a culture where getting married by 25 is the most important thing (I am 29). I was hoping to get engaged and was naively dreaming of a beautiful proposal at his PhD graduation, considering that I was there for him every step of the way and thought by doing so, proved to him that I was the sort of person who would have his back.

Forget a fancy proposal and a public acknowledgement of how much I meant to him…he discarded me like yesterday’s paper once he found a job, but he also showed very little appreciation for everything I’d done and sacrified (inc my career and finances). He had ditched me for OW once, but then we got back after a year of no contact when he was struggling with his PhD – which is where I showered him with love and support. Once done, OW reappeared and I became old news – except I didn’t find out until 8 months later, in August this year.

This ‘ recycling’ situation successfully made me feel I wasn’t enough and I was at fault, somehow. My dreams of being happily married are gone, and sadly he will be happy while I navigate the night terrors, the feeling of brokenness, the sense of being ugly.

I am still working on telling myself that I am NOT a failure or worthless, that it is HE who had a problem. My moral compass is solidly there and maybe I’ll fall in love again and bestow the gift of being unwaveringly loyal to the person who earns it.

But before that, I need to find myself again.

Lyndaloo
Lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpyte

Chumpte,
You will find yourself, at 29 you have you whole life ahead of you. Just believe in youself and look forward not backwards! You probably don’t realize it but you ‘dodged a bullet’. I stayed with aCheater for 40 years, that’s right 40 years! I’m 72 and was thrown to the curb 9 months ago. I’d give anything for a do over but it is what it is and I’m determined to live the rest of my life happily! So hold your head up and realize how lucky you are to have learned this valuable lesson at your young age. If anyone asks about being single tell them you haven’t found anyone worthy enough yet! You are a smart, capable young women, you’ve got this! ????????????

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndaloo,

You bring up many good points. I don’t believe that ‘single (celibate) = inadequate.’ (I envy people I know who are very content being single (celibate).) However, I can understand why some people think that ‘single (celibate) = lonely,’ especially if one was once happy in a monogamous relationship.

I was one (chump) who rushed back into the dating world, not because I needed financial support or because I hated to be alone, but because I thought that (1) Mr. Good Guy, the guy I considered my friend (as well as everyone else’s), was a great catch, a once in a lifetime opportunity, who I didn’t want to let get away (I used to think, ‘I should have started dating him when I met him when he was 17, not 45.’) and (2) the relationship with Mr. Good Guy gave me hope that the world was a just one (I could finally, late in life, after really bad relationships, have a great, healthy romantic relationship) and that the world was generally ‘good’ rather than ‘bad.’

I got massively burned (again) by my last boyfriend, who has narcissistic traits and went through the narcissistic pattern of Idealize-Devalue-Discard, is somewhat psychologically disordered but not really narcissistic, and ‘was just not that into me.’ He seemed to play a cat and mouse game with me, alternately, sometimes within the span of a few minutes, holding my hand/telling me he loved me and then telling me that he wanted to run away from me/did not see me in his future. I am traumatized by the mindf–kery, especially as it came from a friend and fellow chump who I trusted with my life and came on the heels of many years of severe bizarre abuse, primarily by my now ex-husband. For the first time in my over half-century long life, in spite of being sexually and physically assaulted by various guys, I have become distrustful of men as a whole. (I know that some good men exist and think that some of my relatives’ and friends’ husbands are good men, but I am now distrustful of men as a whole and feel extremely cynical about dating and feel no hope of every finding a healthy partner who will love and commit to me as I will to him. Part of me would like to date (if I felt at all hopeful that something good could come from it), but part of me is too destroyed by dating/trying to healthfully engage in an intimate relationship such as marriage to feel anything other than aversion to it. Probably just as well I feel distrust and aversion as nobody who seems close to healthy, at all appealing, and even moderately compatible is banging down my door to even date me.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Rock star wife,
I understand it’s difficult to trust again when you’ve been hurt especially by someone you thought was trustworthy. I don’t know that I fully would trust another man again, not that anyone is beating down my door either. LOL I just feel it wold be too much effort and after living to someone else’s agenda for 40 years it just doesn’t appeal to me. I’m pretty self sufficient and I like my own company. I’m sure there are many people on this site that feel differently but fir me …. I’m fine on my own. I have my cats, my family lots of good fridnds. I’m good!

Janus
Janus
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

You are right. We are enough. I overcame feeling vaguely embarrassed to put up a solo photo on FB. Many of my married female friends don’t have me around anymore. (Some because I work and they don’t want their husbands getting any ideas.). I will have had no partner in any way for 2 years. And really not for 5 years. During that time, I have resisted overtures from 4 guys in various stages of being messed up. I am proud of that. However, I wasn’t attracted to any of them, so I have yet to test my picker on a messed up guy who looks like Aaron Eckhardt. (If I could find one and he is interested.). But I really would prefer to share travel with someone besides my relatives. Otherwise I give mental real estate to my X, because travel was a big part of our lives.

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Janus

“Many of my married female friends don’t have me around anymore”

Drop those “friends” like a bad habit, then. Fixing our picker applies to ALL relationships, including friends. Same thing happened to me. They believed my ex narc’s smear campaign, and their husbands took his side, and they are not high quality enough people to be anything but Switzerlands. In time, with the benefit of hindsight, I realized those friendships weren’t reciprocal. Their marriages are not ones I would ever want to be in, and they could not individuate enough from their husbands to maintain the quality of friendship with me that I deserve.

Kimmy
Kimmy
6 years ago

#1. I need to strongly enforce my boundaries and hold firm to my wants/needs in relationships. I really want to stop talking about my past life with my ex and the story of how he destroyed our marriage. It takes me back a few steps every time I do that. It’s very unproductive.

#2. I have learned that I am more than capable of taking care of myself and I actually enjoy the high I get out of accomplishing various things on my own. I am engaged but I live at home with my two daughters and my fiance has his own home.

#3. The only thing I can predict about my ex-asshole is that he will continue to put his OW/wife and his business ahead of his children as he has always done. My prediction is that a few years from now my daughters will no longer try to engage him in their lives. His loss!!!

no-way
no-way
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimmy

Same here. The kids shouldn’t be the one to engage, the fathers should. My kids got no Christmas presents from him yet I run about buying, thinking, wrapping being Santa whilst he’s in his fuck chalet with a skank who was 7 when we met!
Yes I’m still angry… There is way more to it but I resolve to have a fun, happy life in 2018. I have the houses, the kids, the self respect, the decent job, the good friends….

OCchump
OCchump
6 years ago

Well, since I spent most of 2017 being the ultimate chump (doing the dance and everything that comes along with it) it wont be hard to make 2018 better. Everything started becoming clear when I started visiting this site. I’m new BTW. So here it goes.

1. Don’t give an ounce of thought to what she thinks, says, or does. I’m going to live my life for me and my two little guys.

2. That her affair was not my fault and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it.

3. Don’t really care. I’m sure whatever she does will be as healthy as she is.

This website has been great for me.

Thanks CL

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  OCchump

Welcome to the Clan! You sound like you’re getting yourself sorted. It isn’t an easy road but once you realize the truth about your cheater and seeing them for what the truly are it gets so much easier. You sound like a very committed Dad, hold onto your little ones and keep coming back here. All the best for 2018????????????

OCchump
OCchump
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Thank you. I spent a lot of time blaming myself. Glad I found CN.

Not being a cheater is pretty easy but I guess my STBXW doesn’t have the character to keep herself from cheating.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  OCchump

“I’m sure whatever she does will be as healthy as she is.”

Just awesome OCchump!

ChumpedWithKids
ChumpedWithKids
6 years ago

1. My efforts to unchump myself include graduating with my music education degree in May, staying NC with STBX, not dropping the PFA order I have against him, and going through with divorce (I filed in November).

2. Things I learned about myself in 2017: I am smart and capable. I went back to college to finish my degree in August and have been gradually re-building the self-confidence I have lost by being married to an abusive cheater.

3. Predictions for STBX: I am in the process of divorce with him and he is living with his parents. I predict he will continue to try to use charm and self-pity to manipulate the people around him. I am NC with him and have a PFA against him, but he still tries to get to me by talking to my friends and our children. He isn’t technically violating the PFA because he hasn’t asked them to relay messages to me, but they have told me about the contact and how sad/remorseful he is. He is *very* good at casting himself as the victim and I predict he’ll continue to manipulate people that way. But not me.

I hope 2018 is much better than 2017. Feeling pretty broken down by 2017.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago

Here goes:

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions for unchumping yourself?

Continue to set goals–last year I lost weight, increased my exercise to a healthy level, and achieved some professional successes I’d been wanting for a long time. Of course, setting small incremental goals helped, but the real change was probably making my own goals (no matter their size) important again–something I’d lost track of during my marriage and which I had trouble finding the time for during the first couple of years after my marriage imploded (because being the single, sane parent sometimes leaves room for very little else!)

2. What was the most important thing you learned about yourself in 2017?

Hmmm . . . it is hard to condense this one down, but I think the best way to sum it up might be: I have options.

3. Predictions: Fanciful and Otherwise

My fanciful prediction (because “meh” still sometimes slips off the leash for me) is that when then the Karma bus does finally round the corner, he’ll be standing in the middle of the street insisting to the kids and neighbors trying to traverse it that it is his and his alone to use, look over his shoulder, catch a glimpse of himself in a reflection from the windshield, and be so busy admiring his own reflection that the bus will simply squash him flat.

My more realistic prediction is that he will try to persuade our youngest child to move away from me to live with him in another state 1000 miles away. He has no custody, but our kids are old enough that my attempts to stop such a move would probably not work (especially if his parents weighed in legally and claimed they’d provide the housing and funds for the child to live with dad). My EX will go to his grave claiming he is the best dad ever (court records and domestic violence convictions be damned), and so it doesn’t take the skills of Nostradamus for me to predict that this coming year will include new attempts to manipulate the kids–and the youngest one is currently the most vulnerable to any promises of a lovely life in a more exotic local than my own.

Chumped With Kids
Chumped With Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

“I have options”

Eilonwy, I love this. My counselor said this to me a lot in the months leading up to me filing for divorce. I finally began to see it for myself over the past year, and it was a great feeling. I feel like I have been running toward the light at the end of this tunnel for the past 6 months now.

After my stbx did a full disclosure last spring, I went to see an advisor at the state university in my city and was elated when i discovered i was within 2 semesters of finishing my bachelor’s degree. It was very empowering to know that i did not have to stay in the situation i was in, that there was a way out.

MovingOnChump
MovingOnChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

…”and be so busy admiring his own reflection that the bus will simply squash him flat.” LOL! Funny!

Beep Beep!!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I am extremely fortunate in that I never developed a taste for alcohol. Can’t stand the stuff. There have been two times in my life when I wanted to get drunk and I couldn’t manage it. In fact ex used to complain about having to order wine by the glass in restaurants and having to drink alone. Poor baby. On the other hand, he always had a designated driver.

As for fixing my picker? We’ll see. I did get asked out a couple of days ago by a guy who I am pretty sure doesn’t suck (and he doesn’t care for alcohol either ). At least I think he asked me out. Does it count if we were meet-up hiking buddies turned texting buddies and he texted that he would like to spend time with me in a non group setting? Anyway, my goal there is to go have fun with him and if it doesn’t work out it ends peacefully for both of us.

Fern
Fern
6 years ago

He asked you out. Definitely.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago

Below is a list of all the Tuesdays in 2018 there are 53. One of them will be mine.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Tuesday, October 2, 2018
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Tuesday, December 25, 2018

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Should be a good year, 52 weeks and 53 Tuesdays. Let’s call the extra Tuesday Meh!

Chumpella de Ville
Chumpella de Ville
6 years ago
Re