Reconsider? Let’s not

Hello baby, yes it’s really me
After the wrong I’ve done
Guess you’re surprised to see me here at your door
Like a sparrow with a broken wing
Who’s come back to beg you reconsider me
Oh, reconsider me
I can’t make it without your love, you see
Just let me and I’ll love you eternally
Oh baby, reconsider me

suprise_cheaterHere is a dream you don’t ever want to come true — your cheater comes back to grovel and pines for what they have lost.

The other day, I answered a letter from a woman who ended a dreadful relationship with a cheater. She’s no contact now, but still wishes for the day he’ll wake up and realize what he lost.

No Chumps! You do NOT want this! If the sparrow comes back with a broken wing, close the door. You’re not in the sparrow-fixing business. If the sparrow says “I can’t make it without your love” — threaten to break its other wing.

If Johnny Adams wanted me to reconsider him, okay, I admit I might hesitate. (His is the only version of this song “Reconsider Me” worth listening to — and I encourage every chump to download every Adams song ever recorded. He’s genius.) But on the whole, reconsidering someone who left you is a very bad idea.

Here’s the thing — they CAN make it without your love just fine. It’s the kibbles they can’t do without. It’s the back-up plan they’re missing.

It’s not uncommon for a cheater to get out into the world and realize, gee, life isn’t the same without cake. It’s also common for the relationship with the affair partner to tank, or not be so fabulous as they originally thought. In which case, upon consideration, hey you might do. Until something better comes along. There’s also a good chance your cheater leaves and gets slapped upside the head with the financial realities — and would like to sweet talk you back to a profitable limbo state.

Weigh that against “No, they’re really SORRY now!”

Chumps, if they don’t come back, if they never apologize — consider yourself BLESSED. You’ve been spared the mindfuckery and the second guessing.

They’re going to “love you eternally” NOW? Really? I believe they pledged that back on your wedding day in front of assembled family and friends. Define eternity. Because I thought eternity had a certain constancy.

If you fantasize about your cheater waking up one day and getting it — that means you’re not meh. It means you haven’t internalized that they suck. You still aren’t sure what your values are. But my values are forgiveness and second chances! Who doesn’t want to believe that they are so wonderful they can transform sinners into saints? That’s a heady dose of kibbles for the kibble-starved chump. Who doesn’t want to believe they matter — no really, deep down — to the person who devalued them? Who wouldn’t be tempted by that narrative and then dress that shit up as forgiveness? (No, tell me again how stupid you were, and how much you regret dumping me! Again! Again! I love to hear the story!)

How about your values are — self respect and self care. How about you set a very high bar for people who have betrayed you? Okay, a post-nup is not as romantic as slowly running across a cornfield at twilight  to embrace, but I’ll take it over gushy regret. How about you stop hanging out with broken sparrows? Why not spend some time around eagles and barn owls and other purposeful animals? Because I see you more as a falcon than I see you as partner to the gimpy sparrow. How about you see yourself that way, chumps?

Reconsider them? You’ve got better things to do.

This column ran previously. Feel free to comment! 

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Justine
Justine
8 years ago

Very timely, as my ex has yet another broken relationship and has come back to my door again looking very broken-sparrowish. Each time his relationships end he reswears undying love to me and finds renewed love for his daughter, wanting to turn up “just to see her”.
I like the thought of breaking his other wing.

startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Agreed. Very timely. Good move CL. Don’t know if it’s the time of year or what but my X also threw me a bone this week. It does have a tendency to make you feel all Christmas-y toward them.

Thank goodness for this blog. Yes, trust that they suck. Write their history down to go over during a weak moment, if you have to.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago

It was a miracle! The day I found her sexting, she had a realization that I was the one and only! No I am stability and a pay check….. she can not afford her current lifestyle alone. Just have to understand no one can love someone and commit adultery! No one can care about you while lying about everything. Putting my life at risk does not show love! They fear loss of something but its not us or love its possessions or kibbles! Can not fix these people….. They are not capable of true love or compassion. They just SUCK!

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

A SAP! Very nice way to throw it all together! Yea between ex bf who may make 25000 a year and her 20 something boy toy who doesnt want her….. she pretty much screwed the pooch! Interesting they would throw it all away for a cheap moment of sex. But I guess they never figured on getting caught.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

What a Dumbass. Seriously DavidB.. lots of women out there who would be very happy to be with an SAP… and who are SAPs themselves. Plenty of chump women who are SAPs too….. trust you will find one!

SueB
SueB
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Trust that they suck. All of you can do so much better. Personally, I’m not a greedy or selfish woman, so it is hard for me to understand why another human being would act like those women. Neither my ex nor I made a whole lot, but it was still more stability than me leaving him and striking out on my own. Nonetheless, I would rather live in a tiny apartment on my own than be with my cheating ex. I like my new friends and my career. It is stable and enough to be livable in a city that doesn’t cost a lot to live in.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
8 years ago
Reply to  SueB

Ditto that, SueB! YOU are a ‘honey’ of a Lady! I, too, live on very little $$, yet the peace I feel……Priceless!!!!

Remember, those ‘females’ do not qualify for the designation of ‘woman’! Real women & real men stay in their own beds!

Me & You??? We are are WOMEN! Hear us roar…. (with loyalty & faithfulness, that is!)

Love what you shared!

Forge on, beloved ones……..

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

SAP too!
Listening to secondhand stories about how small his new house is.
The sad sausage in his sad house
Secretly I count the days until the kids are in college so I can unload the behemoth I live in but I won’t show that. I’ll just keep improving it so it’s worth even more money when I sell it.

lostntx
lostntx
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

SAP here!
Last text was about me not supporting her. Did I have a smile on my face since she couldn’t pay her bills? Well, #1 you should have found a job immediately not 6 months after you left. And #2, I really don’t give a s***!

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

I too am a SAP. (Stability And Paycheck).

She too can not afford her lifestyle even as she laments the lifestyle I and I alone provide.

ca-north
ca-north
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Holy shit – I didn’t know there was a term for it. Yes, I am a SAP

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Yep, SAP here too!!!! All I ever was to the lying, stealing, cheating, bad father that left me!!!!

I am a damn good woman and one day, just like my 1st EXH he will realize what he walked out on and try to work his way back in, but I will laugh in his face.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

Personally, I do not wish even my worst enemies to go to Hell. So, I DO wish my ex repents someday…it will just be without me present 😉

That said, repentance looks unlikely considering the last contact was via her lawyer threatening to sue me for libel regarding making true statements saying she committed adultery (good thing I had written proof saying otherwise).

Life is so much better without my ex. However, I do not think it is wrong to wish her to come to her senses before it is too late for her soul.

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago

DM, I applaud your compassion toward your ex, in spite of everything she put you through. However, in your closing comment, I would like to ask sincere question: Do pathologicals (Cluster B’s) have souls? They lack empathy, conscious, compassion, and seem to have absolutely no moral compass. Those items are what the rest of humanity defines as traits that indicate a soul is present. They are predators (and proud of it), and look at all other humans as prey, and inferior. Would someone with a soul have that mindset?

I ask this question on the heels of a conversation I yesterday with a woman who, in her youth, lost her sister to a pseudo-Christian cult, and her sister, and the sister’s newborn, were killed by members of that cult due to criminal negligence. Though the cult leader and members tried to cover it up, the authorities stepped in to investigate and arrested the cult leader and several members. They were charged with criminally negligent homicide, convicted and are serving time. The cult was disbanded. The saying that a cult leader is really a Sociopath on steroids? Yes, that would apply here.

So, people like the ones mentioned above, especially the cult leader, do they have souls? They don’t appear to.

HeatDeath
HeatDeath
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

I found myself wondering something similar: can even God heal a personality disorder?

The problem is that personality disorders aren’t something layered on top of the person’s “normal” cognition, like schizophrenia or depression. As I understand it, they’re knitted and intertwined all through who that person actually /is/. By the time any conceivable healing mechanism gets done, what you basically have is a brand new person, who simply happens to have the same memories as the former narcissist. And in the particular case of an adulterous narcissist, the major symptom of the personality disorder was to cause the person to choose to repeatedly commit a deeply evil sin, often repeatedly.

If God is effectively creating a new personality, why would He want to saddle it with a bunch of memories of sinful choices and tendencies? And if the cured narcissist has had their memories wiped /and/ their narcissism cured, are they in any meaningful sense the same person?

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

They do have souls just as they have hearts. It just happens to be their hearts are cold rocks. That’s my opinion.

_esq
_esq
8 years ago

DM- I always appreciate your comments. You’re the voice of reason. i just found out 3 days ago via a phone call from OW about at least four affairs over the past several years. All sex was unprotected – which he finally admitted to. I have three children with him. He says he is terribly sorry and that I’m the only person he’s ever loved. He said he would go to church with me and convert. In your opinion, is redemption possible? I’m not thinking clearly (have not eaten or slept in 3 days, nor even purchased Christmas gifts for kiddos). Fortunately i have a very strong posse of friends who are taking care of all this for me. Bless them. Do you think there’s a chance he really could change? I should add that he’s had a drug problem which I believe precipitated his despicable actions. Is there a shred of hope? Thank you.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  _esq

_esq,

I would add:

Please get tested for STDs since you know he was having unprotected sex! It is better to know either way as knowledge is power.

And do NOT have sex with him, minimally, unless you have strong verification that he is done with such risky behavior (or never, if you choose to end it). You do not want to risk your health on a clearly bad bet–i.e. he has risked your health four times, at least!

-DM

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  _esq

Redemption IS possible…however, it would take a miracle. In other words, like someone coming back from the dead, it is not the normal course of things in your situation. So, if you decide to take him up on his offer to change, I would encourage you to get a counselor who puts his commitment to the test in making do some hard work (a la Dr. David Clarke’s philosophy/restoration plan). Make sure it is a real miracle and not just a hoax to keep you in his drama. Plus, the addiction piece makes it more complicated…addiction–as I understand as a chaplain–usually signifies deeper pain issues. He needs to get a handle on those as well.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

DM this was a really compassionate answer. I really appreciate your take on things. I can f bomb with the best of them but I’m the daughter of two ministers and your soothing mindful words obviously come after prayer and consideration and I’m glad you’re on this blog.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

Thanks for your kind words, creativerational. I have my “Sailor” moments as well–i.e. when I am not editing as I need to be real with God and my closest of friends. God can handle us with no filter.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

_esq, I’ve seen some articles written by Tracey that suggest the hard work of turning a person like your husband’s life around is often better tackled by them alone. They have so much personal work to do, and it’s hard for you to wait in limbo to see if he’s really capable of changing. I’ve seen it suggested that it’s better to separate, and wait to see how serious they really are. Then you can focus on taking care of yourself and getting stronger.

You may love your husband, but how much do you love yourself? Do you love yourself enough to stop allowing yourself to be exposed to this kind of pain over and over? The Bible commands that we love our neighbor as ourself, not MORE than ourself. I think this goes for spouses too.

Definitely find a good counselor to help you sort through everything and give you perspective.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

After 4 chances, I can no longer take his shit, anger, frustration, hate everything and everybody attitude and the just plain nasty, vindictiveness sniveling. Waiting for the house to sell, soon, please, soon, and after two and a half years of sheer madness and should have killed me by now bullshit. This girl is runnin far, fast and absolutely no fucking contact. He still loves me? Loves to torment and torture me is more like it. He is nastier, more temper, less patient, more aches and pains daily than ever and the less the dick works the longer and harder the sadistic beatings. Other woman can have this motherfucker, be careful what you steal bitch, no deposit except on her face, no returns or refunds.

Michael
Michael
8 years ago

Agreed. They do have souls but they are able to ignore their conscience. They know something is wrong but they do it anyway. That’s a willing criminal. Which is worse than something that is soulless because they know what is right but choose to do wrong. It’s a choice to do evil.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Very true Michael, very true.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago

You have just described my ex husband of 37 years DM. I have said many times since DDay that my ex was as cold as ice with no heart. It seems I was correct after all !!

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

I told X-hole he was void and had a black hole in his chest where his heart was supposed to be.

Nina
Nina
8 years ago

Don’t worry about this for one second DM. I also got threatening letters from lawyers for exposing the OW publicly. Everyone knows truth is an absolute defense to libel and slander. These types of cases are very hard to win if basically anyone knows the truth or if you have written proof.

I just laughed and wrote a hilarious letter back to her attorney that basically said, ” hey, if she doesn’t like people knowing she sleeps with married men, I suggest she stops sleeping with married men.”

But yes, I wish for repentance for my STBx and his (now ex) mistress. I pray for them a few times a week and also pray to keep myself humble (which I fail at a lot). I do believe it is OK to feel righteous anger, I just try to keep it real. We all need forgiveness; however, we don’t all need to reconcile.

Gail
Gail
8 years ago
Reply to  Nina

I ran into my Ex at Walmart…the store was packed as it was Labor Day! As soon as I saw the crazy f….key after 6 months post divorce and 2.5 years NC I ran for the checkout! All the checkout lines were full so I searched for the shortest one! Just as I was writing a check I felt a nudge behind me! Oh yeah the crazy f…key was standing in front of his cart and up against me??? I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye! I B lined it out that store! I also saw the crazy f….ker jogging up my street after I moved far away from him! One day I saw him and his beastly GF spying on me as they pretended they were fixing telepresence lines in the street behind me! I know he misses my big pay checks and total control of me but never loved me! I love my new life without that crazy, selfish, nut job f…ker! He stole my home, kids, reputation, savings account, pension and 36 years of my youth! My prayers for him are not holy!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  Nina

No worries. This happened about a year ago. It ended once I let the lawyer know about her written confession to sex outside our marriage (at the time) plus reminded him that adultery is defined as such (sex outside of the marriage). Haven’t heard a peep since…but it was a bit unsettling for me at the time.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

DM, as a Christian I tried praying for my ex as we are commanded to do. It was hard, but I did it. I didn’t always feel what I was praying, though, which felt wrong too. So I finally decided to leave it up to God deal with my ex. My job is to move forward with my life. I have no idea what’s going on in my ex’s life any more, and it’s not up to me to worry about it.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I don’t think we have a moral obligation to pray for them after we have entrusted them to God. So, I totally support you in your decision to let God sort your ex out and not worry about him anymore.

Kay
Kay
8 years ago

What if we have kids with them? I am so worried about the effect that my Xh will have on my kids. And probably his affair shmoopie. 🙁 I don’t want to pray for then either but I feel obligated for the sake of my kiddos.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  Kay

Pray for your kids then and God’s protection…trusting God is big enough for them in this hard situation. You CAN pray for your xH as well if you like, but if the real reason is for the kids, why not make that the real focus of the prayers? Just a thought.

Amy
Amy
8 years ago

This is my goal for the new year. To offer up one last prayer that ex will repent and turn back to God and then I’m leaving it with God. I’ve spent a year praying for him to no avail. I’m going to focus my prayers on others, including continued healing for myself and to strike hard towards Gods path for me. And that makes me EXCITED!

JC
JC
8 years ago

During my divorce, my then-stbx asked me every other month to reconsider.

I said no every time–sometimes shakily, but still, “No.”

Turns out she was still with her AP the entire time, helping him destroy his engagement…and then his marriage.

My ex-wife didn’t even think what she was doing was wrong, so she kept doing it long after I left her…and continued to hide her behavior from her own friends and family…all while asking me to change my mind.

You don’t want your ex back. These people don’t change. They double down.

HeatDeath
HeatDeath
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

Exactly! You say “I forgive you”, but all they hear is “I don’t care if you do it again.”

Fur Princess
Fur Princess
8 years ago
Reply to  HeatDeath

This. ^^ So much this.

Phi Slama Jama Mama
Phi Slama Jama Mama
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

“These people don’t change, they double down.”

This. Thank you.

I’d have been sucked back in over and over again wo CN…ya’ll are MIGHTY! Happy whatever-you-celebrate and 1000 blessings to you all. ❤️

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

Exactly. My ex needed time and space and showed no remorse at all until he got served with divorce papers. THEN he was so sorry he sent 3 emails, 2 texts and even 2 handwritten word salad letters torn from his special sketch book about how sorry he was! Boo hoo. Fuck you.

mirad
mirad
8 years ago

Yes or they’re sweet talking you to get their hands on your evidence and destroy it.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  mirad

Mirad

And even after the divorce they are still trying to get hold of the evidence I have on both of them. My car was tampered with yet again. They are just so fucking dumb.

ChumpedALot
ChumpedALot
8 years ago

This is a great reminder around the holidays! Cheaters do suck. Never forget that.

Lothos
Lothos
8 years ago

After reading this it reminded me what happened this weekend.

I received a phone call from my X’s boyfriends x-wife (say that 10 times). She called me up to see how I was doing etc… and we caught up on the times and then she proceeded to tell me my X and her X are now engaged.

HERE IS THE FUNNY PART

Apparently they have been arguing quite often (get this) about lying to each other. They have been using his x-wife to play mediator.

I told her, although it is funny/entertaining but the truth is I really did not care. I then told her why are you even entertaining their situation and playing the mediator after everything they have done to both of us and out kids?

The only thing that pop-ed in my head was I hope to god they get married ASAP so I can cut the alimony off. Outside of that I really did not care at all but I got the impression she has not reached meh yet.

freedom
freedom
8 years ago

I went through this. I let him back after the first time, after he ran out the door on dday for his “true love” that he had known for 6 weeks. Only to have him abuse me some more, ramp it up to a physical beating because my pain was too much for him, made him feel bad. Then a big surprise cheating again with someone else and out the door on the second dday. Instant replay! Well, not so instant it did take 10 months.

Now I hear all the “miss you”, “will love you forever”, blah blah blah, when he manages to sneak in under my walls of blocking.

To reinforce that he is really scum, he does this while he has a new girlfriend, someone I know and like!

Oh yes, to show how much he really loves me and is so very sorry…he does not pay the spousal support unless I bring him to court. Yes! True Love! True Remorse!

So no, I am much happier alone than with a disordered monster. The words don’t mean a thing. The angry accusations nor the proclamations of eternal love. All just noise. A bit hard to wrap your head around that there are people and I use the term people loosely, that just are not wired like us.

Be grateful for silence and no contact and freedom.

Meg
Meg
8 years ago

The book “Narcissistic Lovers” told me that the N always circles back for more kibbles. I always accepted this and stayed in limbo too long(5+ years) because I didn’t comprehend that my XH would keep the OW and keep collecting kibbles from me. I deludedly thought “Oh no, he wouldn’t.” Every time I gave him a second chance he took it and double dipped (pardon the euphimisim) on the kibbles. Thank you Chump Lady for helping me to realize what was happening. This post really hits home during the holidays when I am watching too many holiday movies on Lifetime & Hallmark & need a dose of reality, not fantasy.

janna
janna
8 years ago
Reply to  Meg

Oh yeah..the Hallmark and Lifetime ‘reality’ movie formula…meet, fall in love, have a terrible problem that almost breaks you up in the last 15-20 mins of the show but still manage to get back together in time for the hugely happy ending with your old high school bf/gf who is now hot and employed in a multi-million dollar a year job or an incredibly talented but undiscovered writer/artist who is your ‘soulmate’ (really hate that concept its says that there is only one person in the world of how many billion people that is your perfect match and if you don’t find that ‘one’ in the billions you can never be truly happy..really? you would have better luck finding a particular grain of sand on a beach) and then live happily ever after in only 90 minutes! Wow..leaves you out of breath just thinking about it. The concept only fuels cheater. That the rushing, all consuming feelings of new love should last forever not fade into reality and oh yeah kids and jobs. We would get nothing done if that sort of love didn’t change into realistic love that is endorphin based not adrenaline based like new love. Real love is work and 100% from both sides. Only divorce is 50/50.

Michael.
Michael.
8 years ago
Reply to  janna

Well said! I think this type of fictional romance has helped ruin many people in the sense that those people choose to chase something that doesn’t exists. And when they don’t find it leaves them empty and hopeless when it’s a pipe dream to begin with.

Janus
Janus
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael.

Excellent point, Janna. My STBXH kept citing to the time when he had adrenaline based love for me as the benchmark for what he must feel to continue our relationship. He could never accept the turn into endorphin based love. He could never get enough kibbles, so he apparently serially-cheated on me and on his first wife.

This too shall pass
This too shall pass
8 years ago

It it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…it is a duck!!!!

A sucky sad sausage duck!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago

duck sausage……..?

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
8 years ago

Truth!

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago

For six months after D-Day and being thrown out, my cheating Ex repeatedly spoke of a “second chance.” Meaning not that I’d give HIM one, but that I should keep begging for one with him! He even said at one point, “If you play your cards right, Muse, you might just get a second chance!” In hindsight I think playing my cards right meant that I’d give him a huge check and keep pining for him. Not a chance. NC for going on two years now. He had repeated chances to step up and be an honorable man but instead he was a manwhore who also thought he’d always have me. Wrong.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

“If you play your cards right, Muse, you might just get a second chance!”

Good Lord, what a narcissist!

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Muse and Lyn, my ex stated before our divorce that I would have to make HUGE changes if I wanted a second chance! As soon as he uttered those words, it was game over. You see, he was perfect so no changes were necessary on his part. I was the so called misfit in the relationship.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

My father told me that I should consider reconciling with my cheating STBX who abused me all kinds of ways for over a decade, used what was supposed to go into our kids’ college fund to pay prostitutes for sex, made false allegations against me, starting before he filed for divorce, and tried to get the Court to ban me from seeing our kids! My father tells me that I need to change a few things about me (like make better sandwiches for lunch?) to make my marriage to my abuser work.

And now my family of origin is telling me that I should spend the holiday (‘it’s only a few hours’) with the individual who scared me enough for me to go to a safe house. (My abuser has our kids on Christmas Eve and Christmas and offered to take the kids to one of my relatives’ homes so that we could celebrate as one big , happy family.) My relatives justify their request with ‘Think about the kids.’

The sad thing is that in spite of my having a boyfriend, fellow chump and friend of my family’s for decades, who treats me like royalty, my family doesn’t want him to come over for Christmas Eve because he is not yet ‘officially’ my partner (e.g., husband).

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RSW, he’s famous, isn’t he? I’ll bet that’s why your parents think he’s okay; they still believe his hype.

denver_girl
denver_girl
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Rockstar,

Donna said way below “When we trade disordered in for an authentic life we can celebrate ourselves. ” This is your opportunity to gain a life in this equation.

Your parents want to stay in the toxic past where they are comfortable.

Kids are taken care of? Your EX is going to their house, your parents need to see him with the kids without you there to prop him up. Give them that chance. Education is a fine thing.

Here’s a proposed Christmas Plan A: Have a non-traditional Christmas, time to create new traditions. Buy lobster and champagne for you, your authentic new life and your new love. Stay in on Christmas Eve.

Proposed Plan B: go the parental home on Christmas Eve and watch the clock miserably until you can escape to Plan A.

Christmas day, Plan A: avoid EX at all costs. See your parents, if you want briefly, go back to enjoying your new life with new love. Don’t think twice about it, everyone is doing what they want for the day. Yourself included for a change.

the 26th?: go see your parents or whatever family you wish, take them gifts, food and celebrate that day. Take new love with you.

Just a suggestion. I’m thinking I want crab legs myself…..

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago
Reply to  denver_girl

Thanks to fellow chumps who responded to my post. It’s great to have allies who understand bizarre situations to keep one safe and healthy.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife, did your Christmas plans end up going okay?

RefusesToBeStupid
RefusesToBeStupid
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I had the same family, everything that ever happened to me was my fault. I am currently NC with them. It was the hardest thing to do but I have a loving husband and children now. It was not easy coming to this decision but abuse is abuse either mental or physicsal and my life is better for it

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

I blew my entire family off. Including my mom. After 60 years of bitching, fighting, hearing about what I should and shouldn’t do and every fucking thing that is wrong with me. I kicked every one to the curb. Everyone who irritated or annoyed me! Enough!

I’m the one who has to die when its time for me to die

So let me live my life the way I want to.

Jimi Hendrix, one if my absolute favorites

Sherri
Sherri
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Yep, as our beloved Muriel always says: “Fire the enemy!”

Especially the ones who are related to you. Seems they do the worst damage…..

Forge on, all y’all….ForgeOn!

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife; This is really sad, as I have been on this site for awhile, and I remember the stories about what a whack job your ex is!
They know how to appear normal enough to get away with effing murder! So unnerving. Mine was the same. Even won over my MC over in one session, after I had been telling her about his crap for 6 months once a week!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago
Reply to  Regina

Regina,
So frustrating to see one’s therapist duped by a con, especially after all that time. I get it. Hope you have less gullible people to talk to now.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Do what you want. Be mighty. Your kids need a strong role model who doesn’t give in to dumb. Be strong.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Me, too, Marie–after D-day, I asked for a divorce, he begged for a MC appointment, then issued demands I had to meet before he would go to the appointment. Delusional, they are. Needless to say, instead of agreeing to his demands, I asked for divorce a second time.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I just wish I’d known all of you before everything fell apart in my marriage. It would have helped me heal a lot quicker and have a better understanding of what was happening and why. Oh well, better now than never!

Virago
Virago
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

TheMuse, if you were to ‘play your cards right’, you’d whip his ass, take your chips and move to another table in another casino in another state/country.

What the hell is the delusional drink they are swilling? Maybe a ‘Moscow Mule’ (we know some of them!) or ‘sidecar’ perhaps. Whatever. I’ll be tipping a ‘piss-co sour’ (I know . . . apparent spelling error), deliver a couple ‘planter’s punches’ (not too hard ~~ heh) to the groin area and finish with a ‘Last Word’.

‘Drink that my dear MoFaux’ I quip as I skip from the card table. Play our cards right. Indeed.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Oh, Gawd! Narkles loves to drink Moscow Mules-something he picked up while with the Flying Whore. He would have them every night for the months leading up to our legal separation. Then he stopped cold turkey. I think someone told him nightly drinking in front of the children might not look good. Now I laugh when I see any reference to a Moscow Mule.

Cindy
Cindy
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Bizarre. Mine had a Moscow mule thing, too.

_esq
_esq
8 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Holy shit. Me too. While playing pick me, I actually bought the stuff (copper mugs included) as a gift. In an effort to make him want to stay home with me and not go out. GD I’m an idiot. Must be the cheaters’ drink of choice.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

That’s funny that he would think you were wanting a second chance with the likes of him! You have so much on the ball; why on earth would you want to go back to being treated like shit?

In my best Ruth Gordon voice, I say, “Good for you!”

donna
donna
8 years ago

Chutes

I gave him multiple chances. He convinced me it was my fault. I took all the blame. Oh lord, I don’t want a Mercedes Benz just drop a large boulder on his head.

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
8 years ago

During the end of my marriage I was having significant health problems. During the divorce process, my major issue was diagnosed and my health has improved tremendously. When the STBX found out that I was getting better, he asked if I wanted to get back together. He must have thought that the “wife appliance” had been repaired. I said no.

A few months later he asked again if I was really, really sure about the divorce. This was about a year after the divorce was filed. I said no again. Two days later he was Facebook official with the other woman. She dumped him before the divorce was final.

I found out that the best way to keep him away was to stop dispensing kibbles. I never answered his phone calls or responded to his texts. When he sent an email, I always waited 24 hours before responding and kept my answers very, very short. We have children together, but he rarely saw the kids, and they’re all adults now.

He has since re-married, but I accidentally overheard some strong evidence that he’s cheating on the new wife now. I’m so glad to be out of that mess.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

Congratulations on regaining your good health! I think our bodies respond to the mental abuse from Cheaters, by developing sickness, so, remove the problem, and we can then get better!
I found out I had early stage Breast Cancer, after I left X and moved away. Thankfully, it was part of my self love to get the surgery I needed, change my lifestyle, and it’s all gone now! I have this suspicion that if I had stayed with X, and been abused constantly, not to mention taking better care of him than I took of myself, I would have had a bad outcome.
Cheater-free, Cancer-free, and spending my care and energy on myself, and others who deserve it.

Kay
Kay
8 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

@ free woman You know I ve wondered about that as well. I was ill most of my marriage. He leaves me and I’ve barely had a cold since. It’s really eery.

Janus
Janus
8 years ago
Reply to  Kay

I had the same issues. I was always basically healthy and a size 6. Within 3-4 years of marriage to him, I went up to a 10, then began early menopause. He took that opportunity to pursue a very public EA, if not a PA. I then developed a major allergy-like condition exacerbated by menopause. He began a PA – telling her he hadn’t divorced me yet because I was ill – and moved overseas to continue it.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

I had some major health problems while married to my ex. He seemed to resent my health issues, in fact I found a journal where he wrote that one of the things he loved about OW was that she was healthy. Now that I can take care of myself, rest when I need to, live where I need to, be involved in more social groups, I have less stress. I’m healthier for sure. I do wonder what toll the incredible stress/PTSD at the end of our marriage took on my overall longevity. Oh well, for now I’m grateful just to be feeling better.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I had Stage 4 Endometriosis, needing a total abdominal hysterectomy plus a major hernia repaired this past April…for the last two years or so I was super-heavy, depressed, major “bummed” mood all the time…short version- he moved out two weeks after my surgeries, and after the extrogen patches kicked-in and I healed up from the surgeries, plus time, my friends, ChumpNation/ChumpLady I’m doing A-OK now…

Meanwhile, his mental health is declining, and his physical health (which was always an issue) has either gotten worse in some conditions or he has picked up some new ones- either or, I don’t care. He’s no longer my problem.

I did earnestly pray for his soul for a while…then I realized that God is in control of him, not me. Just like the almost-13 years we were together, I would pray for him more than myself, and he just…never changed, seemed affected by it…I don’t know…anyway, I came to the realization that he is God’s problem, not mine…

I had to file for Chapter 13 bankruptcy because of him. I ruined what little credit I had because of him. I have never been able to buy a house (not that I’ve ever wanted to, honestly) because of him.

Same as you, @FreeWoman— at one Christmas time I had 3 jobs, he had none and was pissed that he had to care for our infant daughter. I cannot tell you how many Christmases I had nothing but stress and strain worrying about putting anything under the tree for my kids…it was such a dreadful time for me…

This is the first Christmas without him and I haven’t felt this much at peace in years…

Watching A Christmas Carol (Jim Carrey version) …best line:

“I release you, Ebenezer. May you be happy in the life you’ve chosen.”

Exactly what I would say to him: Evil One, I released you a long time ago- go be happy in your life you’ve chosen, because I sure am happier without you!!!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lynn

I was so stressed I went through menopause at 42. Trying to get through grad school with two children at home, doing coursework and clinical placements with no money. He moved to Florida and fooled around instead of getting a job. I lost my fucking home. It was purposeful. Sorry DM, if he had a soul it hasn’t surfaced.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Well, they do everything they can to wreck our health, then act like we’re falling apart, or aging! My X was always quitting jobs, or over-spending, I even had to work 2 jobs while I finished my degree, so we could have enough to keep the heat on! Always chaotic, and lots of stress. Now that I’m single, and the boys are all on their way as adults, I have peace, and savings in the bank.
And guess what? I AM aging, but happily, and I’m grateful, too, Lyn, that I can live my way now!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago

This is a very important post. My SA 16 year cheater has been trying since DD to get back all that was lost. The last letter that was sent was so full of underground seething for me throwing the mother fucker out that I actually became depressed that he wanted back IN!

It had:

Narrative control
Blameshifting
Passive aggressive wording only I would understand (he was genius at this)
Guilt
You promised
I am doing what you want
Jesus forgives over and over, you should too.

I am now able to recognized the red flags so well that it makes me sick I fell for them in the first place.

“…gee, life isn’t the same without cake.” — Prostitutes aren’t as fun unless you have someone to cheat against. No illicit excitement. B O R I N G.

“It’s also common for the relationship with the affair partner to tank, or not be so fabulous as they originally thought.” — If everybody wants you, why isn’t anybody calling?

“…gets slapped upside the head with the financial realities — and would like to sweet talk you back to a profitable limbo state.” — daddy’s motorhome in the driveway isn’t as comfy and presentable as a long term residence compared the the acre of land, 4 bedroom 3 bath expense free home he had as a parasitic host.

“But my values are forgiveness and second chances! Who doesn’t want to believe that they are so wonderful they can transform sinners into saints? That’s a heady dose of kibbles for the kibble-starved chump.” — Another area of self awareness I had to own in order to be free of the disordered. I always knew this, now I put it into practice. I pray for the disordered and give my family my full attention, along with my own needs.

“They’re going to “love you eternally” NOW? Really?” — Only if you provide KIBBLES. They must have KIBBLES. ** A N Y ** W A Y ** they can get it.

After I pray, I end if with, “They are your children God (the disordered), I have to go to bed.” (Got his from Pope Paul)

I was given a second chance at life. I pray to God for direction every day. He gives it to me and it’s quite the crazy, life affirming, hard, easy, nutty journey.

On my knees.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I was given a second chance at life. I pray to God for direction every day. He gives it to me and it’s quite the crazy, life affirming, hard, easy, nutty journey.

On my knees.

^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^ Yes, Amen, CJ!!!!

So so so true!!! I can finally be able to be the woman I was divinely chosen for to live…not to be subjected to his craziness!!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

If you view these MFers and their manipulations clinically (as you can only do after NC), it’s really a fascinating foray into the deranged mind. And the smart ones are *so* subtle, it’s no wonder those of us with trusting, compassionate natures were taken in by them.

Alleluia for your freedom, CJ–both literal and figuratively (free from the mindfuckery).

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Amen, Tempest!!! You always nail it on the head!!!

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Spot on as always Tempest!

conniered
conniered
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Love this CJ. I too feel like I have been given a second change. I feel like I was freed to be the person He wants me to be. And I am seeking God’s guidance and grace every day.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  conniered

That’s beautiful, conniered.

Roaring
Roaring
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Love this, Calamity Jane! Thank you for affirming what I believe (even when I’m distracted by my Chumpy thoughts): “I was given a second chance at life. I pray to God for direction every day. He gives it to me and it’s quite the crazy, life affirming, hard, easy, nutty journey.”

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

CJ
I was given a second chance on life. Thank you for the inspiration! It’s our gift.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Love you eternally… You mean they will love that you take care of them, feed them grapes, fan them and fawn while they continue to get strange whenever they need. You’re never actually loved. You’re used. Ugh. These people are garbage

GreenGirl
GreenGirl
8 years ago

Chumps, no matter what they say, this is the real song they’re singing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01K2YKNpNYA

Lyrics:

Oh, I couldn’t live a single day without you
Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, honey, you’re the greatest
Well, at any rate, I guess you’re pretty good

Now, it seems to me I’m relatively lucky
I know I probably couldn’t ask for too much more
I honestly can say you’re an above-average lady
You’re almost just what I’ve been looking for

You’re sort of everything I’ve ever wanted
You’re not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You’re the woman that I’ve always dreamed off
Well, not really but you’re good enough for now

You’re pretty close to what I’ve always hoped for
That’s why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I’m never gonna leave you, darlin’
At least ’til something better comes along

‘Cause you’re sort of everything I’ve ever wanted
You’re not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You’re the woman that I’ve always dreamed of
Well, not really…but you’re good enough for now
No, not really…but you’re good enough for now

Pearshaped
Pearshaped
8 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

I like “One More Minute” best of his songs:

I hear that you’re leaving,
Gonna leave me far behind
That you’ve found a brand new lover
You’ve decided that I’m not your kind

So I pulled your name out of my rolodex
And I tore all your pictures in two
Then I blew up the malt shop where we used to go
Just because it reminds me of you

That’s right you ain’t gonna see me crying
I’m glad that you found somebody new
Cause I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
Then spend one more minute with you

I know I might seem kinda bitter
You’ve got me feeling down in the dumps
Cause I’m stranded all alone at the gas station of love
And I have to use the self-service pump

Ohhhh honey let me help you with that suitcase
You ain’t gonna break my heart in two
Cause I’d rather have a hundred thousand papercuts on my face
Than spend one more minute with you

I’d rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than watch you going out with other men
I’d rather slam my finger in the door
Again and again and again and again and again

Oh, can’t you hear what I’m tryin’ ta tell ya darlin

I’d rather have my blood sucked out by leeches
Or stab an icepick under a toenail or two
I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than spend one more minute with you

Yeah, I’d rather jump naked in a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with Crazyglue
I’d rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razorblades
Than spend one more minute with you-oo-ooh….

I’d rather rip out my heart out of my ribcage and then throw it on the floor
And stomp on it til I die….
Then spend… one more minute….withhhhh you

GreenGirl
GreenGirl
8 years ago
Reply to  Pearshaped

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amcZteI88yo

This is what they’re doing:

We’ve been together for so very long
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what’s wrong?
Seems you don’t want me around
The passion is gone and the flame’s died down

I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think I was nice
Now you tell all your friends that I’m the Antichrist

Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes in my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don’t love me anymore

I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You’re still the light of my life
Oh darling, I’m beggin’, won’t you put down that knife?

You know, I even think it’s kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft

Oh, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometime I get to thinking you don’t love me any more

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers

Oh, you think that I’m ugly and you say that I’m cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead

Oh, you know this really isn’t like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don’t love me any more, oh no no
Got a funny feeling you don’t love me anymore

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

Oh shit that’s funny GreenGirl 😀

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

This is so bloody clever. I love it. Is this a song I can buy, or did you write it? And if you wrote it, when are your recording it??

GreenGirl
GreenGirl
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

It’s a song by Weird Al off the album “Polka Party!” I think it’s available on itunes if not the CD is on Amazon.

CThruU
CThruU
8 years ago

I was getting a coffee the other day at Starbucks and heard this familiar voice behind me….”Hey there. Can I buy you a latte?”

Oh God. Is nowhere safe. But hey, I was already ordering, so leaving wasn’t an option.

He asked to talk. Sure. Why not. I’ve got 4 minutes til coffee and then I am going to work. Whaddya wanna talk about?

“I miss talking to you”….”Everything is sad at my house”….”I know I broke things, but I need your help to fix it.” …”You are never far from me, in my thoughts and prayers”…..

GAH!

So hey Cheaterface…can we do a movie and dinner and go to that event that is being given at your work? What’s your plan to try and fix this?

Uh….um….well….um…..see, it’s a little complicated….

No? We can’t be seen in public, in front of your friends/colleagues, where everyone knows we are working on things? WHY NOT?

“I HAVE MY REASONS.” Then the sullen glare.

“Triple Grande Soy Latte No Foam!!” Got up, got my latte….and skipped to my car.

Bye Felicia.

Nope…..he’s seeing SEVERAL women, none of whom seem to be willing to allow him to move in and quit his job. Awwwwwww, special snowflake’s AP doesn’t think he’s so special now. He didn’t realize I’ve been hearing ALL about his latest adventures–words of warning from my protectors, not gossipy shit—when I get wobbly and think…..well….he SAYS ______. ACTIONS, not words.

He has a sad.

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago

Meh = Internalizing they suck

great street sign when stuck in the round about of “what ifs” (get off here, chumps!)

or restart here when relapses with huffing hopium – for it is the REAL first step.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago

I have no illusions that X will ever come back. I’m much more important to him as the villain in his fictitious life story. I’m one of the few people in this world who know EXACTLY who he is.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago

Same here, I have ZERO doubts about this. I could no longer ignore my intuition or that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I suspected he was talking to other women and I started playing detective. When questioned or confronted he would always lie, I just stop pretending to believe the lies anymore. The cheating on top of all of his other selfishness just became intolerable. Once I started catching him and calling him out without backing down his contempt for me just showed more. See ya.

Janus
Janus
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Amen. He wanted to boost his ego by trying to romance me while planning his next trip to “ride the town bike.” When I would call him on it he would become completely enraged. The OW has historically had no cash, yet has traveled to half the countries in the world – via sleeping with men. He never wanted any of us to know, but her sister outed their affair. Now he is stuck with her.

WhatJustHappend
WhatJustHappend
8 years ago

Bingo. I’m right here with you. He’s having much more fun painting me as a horrid wife to all of his friends, family, and AP. He will not come back. And the only reason he left for her in the first place is because he knew I had him figured out – and he beat me to the punch by telling anyone who would listen terrible lies about me and our marriage. If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. He’s her problem now.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago

Yeah, I doubt he will ever come back asking me for a second chance- he’s too busy with his OWife playing the “Molly’s such a bitch” narrative to her, her friends, her family, and anyone else that he can tell…

I got to keep my house, our daughter, and 95% of our friends- he had to go out and leech onto her and her family, and find new friends.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago

DING!
Can’t tell his family he cheated, so it all has to be my fault.
She filed for divorce. (because you’re a lying cheater)
She won’t let me take the kids out of the country.(she’s not stupid)
She won’t talk to me like a civil human being. (she won’t talk to you at all)
How exactly would his narrative work without someone to blame?
At least I don’t have to deal with him asking me to take him back.
Not sure I could stop laughing if he did, might need paramedics with oxygen!

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago

Ditto. I heard from my daughter that ex was angry I was still in contact with one of her cousins. Her story may get challenged by the reality of my actions.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago

I think this is what’s happened with my ex as well. He needs someone to blame for the absolute disaster he made of his life, and since there is no way he is ever going to blame the real culprit — himself — I do nicely as a stand in.

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
8 years ago

My ex has come to his senses, as much as he is capable. But truly changing his ways isn’t possible for him. He is a scorpion, and I’m sad but no longer shocked when he stings. I do my best to stay out of the way, though!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

My ex is one of the ones who just (gleefully) left. Cold as hell, no emotions, no tears (which is the opposite of his persona all our lives). Does not even see our children. It’s been 4 years.

Initially I longed for him to look back and just have a little true regret (his double life was so astonishing that I was not wishing he could come back, that could not happen, I’d probably be kidnapped by my children and spirited away to South America if I tried to get back with him). But I did want to see true remorse, true feelings, at least it would make the 25 years of our marriage less of a con, and less of a waste. But no such “luck”.

I know in the end that this is the kindest way it could have gone. No sturm und drang for us, just cold empty darkness.

Marci
Marci
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Kelly,
It may seem like cold empty darkness but is a heck of a lot more peaceful than some of the crap you could have been stuck with. Maybe try to visualise it as a peaceful garden. I have managed to do that and it makes the empty void so much more pleasant. I know he is in his own personal hell because sooner or later he will have moments of regret. Imagine the hell it is for him to know even for a microsecond before his reptilian brain kicks in, that he cannot come back, ever.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Marci

Thanks Marci, I like that visualization. Oddly (if you know me) I decided last night that I wanted to create a “secret garden” of my own in our backyard. I will make that be my peaceful place both imaginary and in fact one day.

I also like imaging that brief moment as you say before his “reptilian brain” kicks in.

🙂

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

Stevie Nicks’ version of Warren Zevon’s “Reconsider Me,” from an incurable chump’s perspective. A beautiful selfless cake-feeding melody that invites 2 x 4’s upside the head,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNoaIr2OJNk&list=RDUNoaIr2OJNk&index=1

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor
Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Okay. If this won’t work, it’s worth a search.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNoaIr2OJNk

Marci
Marci
8 years ago

It is amazing what lengths they will go to if you go No Contact, but they are starving for kibbles. Reminds me of a beagle we once had who used to chew his way into a bag of doggie chow.

I’ve had ex- cheaters try to:
1. Contact me on linkedin since it’s the only remaining public thing that pops up on google
2. Try to “hire” me for computer lessons since I used to bail them out of their incompetence at work
3. Try to “give” me various possessions (his Dad’s old motorbike eve though I’ve never ridden one)
4. They must mention me to their current squeezes since I’ve had friend requests on social media from random but likely candidates

Some folks just don’t “get” no contact.

Oh, and the cheater ex who chumped my current BF, she told the adult kids I was “rude” because I blanked her at a Christmas party (I’ve never met her nor do I wish to). I told her kids I define loyalty by having their Dad’s back when his enemie are in the room. They “got” it.

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  Marci

FYI- you can block someone on LinkedIn. Your name will still pop up in a Google search but when they log in they won’t be able to find you or message you. it sucks that I have to know that but hope it’s useful information for you.

Marci
Marci
8 years ago
Reply to  Cheaterssuck

Thanks, yes, I since realised that. Never occurred to me previously that he would resort to such silliness. His current squeeze tried to link with me on there. I suppose she could think I’m a threat because his style would be to position me as “the one who got away”. I was!

Portia
Portia
8 years ago

When you look at yourself as an individual, and try to honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses, and you believe you are basically a moral and intelligent person — it is very difficult for you to understand WHY OH WHY you made such a big error in evaluating the Cheater. How did the cheater sidestep all your radar and evaluation skills you use every day in your work and personal life? How were you so blind? How did you make such a big mistake?

The answer is that in order to love someone, you have to make a part of yourself vulnerable. You have to trust, to form a basis for a partnership. The cheater LIED to you from the very beginning. The cheater lied about values, who he/she really was, what his/her life plan was. Also, the cheater probably blinded you with hallucinogenic sex hormones — turning your sex drive on and your brain off. This is a deadly combination, and considering who you really are, once you made the original mistake, you probably moved along making subsequent decisions based on the original fallacy. If A does not equal B, and B does equal C, A does not equal C, either. But you think it does, and you work all the problems that face a normal life with a bad basis. Your life becomes a tree grown from the seed of a poisonous fruit. The whole tree must come down. Damn, you are a tree hugger, and you hate to cut down a tree! Can you just prune it back? NO. The answer is NO.

You do not want to be wrong about the cheater. You want to forgive and forget, because you think that is what you are supposed to do. You are a fixer. You are a conciliator. You sneeze magic fairy fix-it dust and cough magic healing potion. You are strong, You are invincible. YOU ARE WRONG!!!!

Just face it fellow chumps. We all make a mistake every now and then, and boy, oh boy, did we make a doozie! Sad but true. Don’t fall for the I’m so sorry at this moment in time blues. Don’t offer cheater another chance to do more damage to your heart. Get a firm hold on your starting to heal self, and close that door — put on the deadbolt and the chain. No matter how seductive the blues are — they are still a song about unhappy times. Have a Blue Christmas without a cheater. It will lead to a Happy New Year!!!

jumper
jumper
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

You nailed it Portia!

Chump4Bolero
Chump4Bolero
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia – what a stellar post –thank you! It is so right on, on so many levels. You are so amazing in your insight! -After all, it is about love, it is about rejection, it is about loss, it is about the BLUES!

It got me to thinking about the blues – and how one comes to feel it, and know it.

My Ex and I shared a deep love of music; jazz, in all its iterations, classical, fusion, afro-Cuban, & Latin. I had a great musical education, was trained classically, and discovered the blues in the 70’s like so many from my generation.

I first heard this song “Since I Fell for You” at a Bonnie Raitt concert in 1973. Ok, I was all of 16 – what did I know?

Since then, in my 50’s, I cry like a baby at the many versions that seem to describe my pain and sorrow.

But, the original stands out; Buddy & Ella Johnson and that big band sound.
https://youtu.be/BuEphXmJbGQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuEphXmJbGQ

-Other stand outs are: Nina Simone for the lowest of the lowest blues, Stanley Turrentine
for amazing instrumental jazz, Mavis Staples, Dina Washington, Dusty Springfield, Etta Jones, and the great Barbara Streisand…

As I blink on through the holidays this year, I feel I am in such good company! Oh lord, if there was ever a time for the blues… I am comforted by the company.

Thank you for your post and for helping me to remember to take back the music! It was mine for so long before him…

Xoxo Hugs…

Chump4Bolero
Chump4Bolero
8 years ago
Reply to  Chump4Bolero
donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia, that made me cry. Every word hit home. For me this was THE most powerful truth I’ve read. Thank you!

Daisy
Daisy
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

I’m with you all the way Portia! There is no going back. I will always be mystified how he managed to fool me and my entire family for over 30 years but there it is, no amount of wondering will ever explain it and I sure as hell am not going to waste a single second of the time I have left on him at least not after all the assets he owes me have been transferred. 🙂

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Only person I’m ever gonna forgive in this madness is me for being a dumbass and believing him. I will never ever forgive him, ever! He’s not one tiny bit sorry for what he has done only that he got caught. Now he’s saying bye bye to his house, his vehicles and a good hunk of money.

arlo
arlo
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Damn Portia, you know me so well

Bev
Bev
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Best post ever.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago

This is good to hear, but where I’m stuck is that I don’t want him to repent so I can reconsider—there’s no chance—but just because I want him to feel it and I still pine for that validation/vindication/gratification/etc. Rationally, I know that the longer that doesn’t happen, and if it never happens, it’s a good thing because it makes it that much more clear that I’m better off. But emotionally, it’s still hard to get past the discarding (my situation doesn’t 100% fit the exit-affair category but leans more in that direction than the long-term cake-eating…as far as I know) and to wrap my head around the fact that he really might never regret it. I know I need to get past that and that his happiness or remorse has no bearing on how I can or will or should live my life, and the reality is that even if he does one day regret it there’s a good chance I’ll never know about it (no kids so no contact is easy; he’s not one to exhibit any perceived vulnerability; he’s not one to look back; and he has zero self-awareness to even identify or understand his feelings). So I know I need to get past that need. But I can’t figure out how.

HappyNow
HappyNow
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

Yes, this is how I feel too. I don’t want him back and I don’t want to have to deal with phony remorse. I do want to know that at night when he can’t sleep he kicks himself for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him. That he remembers how much he used to love to hear me laugh and feels like crap because he never will again. That he eats the mediocre dinner his very nice girlfriend (and probably his next chump) made and desperately misses the wonderful meals I cooked for him that he loved. Basically, I want to know that he feels like shit because he doesn’t have me in his life anymore.

Of course, even if he felt this way he would never in a million years express it to me. And even if by some bizarre chance he would express it, I wouldn’t hear it because I am happily NC. So I just imagine that it’s true, and that makes me smile, and then I forget about him again.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago

Meh seems so far away. My ex never looked back, not once, not for a second. He’s now married to the Frizz Pie. And yes, I am still waiting for him to realize he made the biggest mistake of his life. (I actually typed “of my life” – Freudian slip or what?) It does not feel like he’s doing me a favor. I understand the logic of what you’re saying but I am still desolate after 1 year. My second Christmas without him is looming, worse than the first one, while he and his new wife have the romantic Christmas we should have had. A friend of mine likens him to a zombie, the walking dead, and that’s the only image that is helping me right now. In those zombie movies, there’s always a moment when the hero’s Mom or sweetheart or best friend turns into a zombie, and the zombie starts coming after the hero to eat his brain. He just can’t process that it’s not Mom any more, it’s a flesh-eating zombie that will kill him unless he kills it first. He wants it to still be Mom, can’t believe it’s so completely not Mom but a foul thing that is intent on destroying him. What will he do? Will he kill the thing and save himself, or cling to a wisp of the past and let himself be destroyed? For me, the jury’s still out.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Fifi
Knock the fucker off the pedistal. He is toxic. I tortured myself for years. Take a hard look at what you lost. A cheater who never looked back. It’s painful. He’s an asshole. I got caught up in fighting for him. He never fought for me. We love too much. Love yourself and your better than being anyone’s plan B. What they have isn’t magical. It’s an illusion. Burst that bubble. You deserve better.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

Donna, “love yourself” is the big one, and the biggest challenge, isn’t it? Love yourself, and everything else falls into place. I’m gonna practice that starting now. “Keep jogging” and “love yourself” — my only two resolutions for 2016. Thanks for your comment and may 2016 be good to you and all of us!

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Fifi – I just left a comment on here with similar sentiments. I totally understand where you are. I’m in the same place. The zombie reference is a good one—when OW and her *mother* (extra gross bc OW also bailed on her husband for my stbx) posted a bunch of happy pics of the new couple on Facebook, my dad commented that stbx’s eyes looked glassy and dead. I shouldn’t care but I still hope that it’s true (I didn’t look at the pics) and reflects what he actually feels inside. Hugs.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

Hugs back, stbxisgross. Wish we could knock back a beer in a friendly pub together, listen to music, and come to know that we will endure and some day it won’t feel like this. May you have many happy moments this holiday season, and may 2016 be good to both of us and all of Chump Nation.

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Hey stbxisgross and Fifi, similar spot here. I keep telling myself he hasn’t really changed and become the fabulous husband so they can live the perfect life, even if it may look so from the outside. Change is hard for humans and you have to really want to change; I’m pretty sure the exes don’t really think they’ve done anything wrong so they don’t really want to change and therefore (I’m trying really hard to believe) that underneath what is visible, the rot is starting, the bugs are chewing, and the bacteria is growing.
Anyway, drinks of choice and Jedi hugs to you both

Kay
Kay
8 years ago

They haven’t changed. They’ve just picked easy. And at the beginning its always easy. When life happens, it gets hard and that’s when they move on. Or check out.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago

Thanks, AliceUnderground. The zombification of our exes has begun, even if we can’t yet see it on the surface. Another round of mead for the chumps at Table 3!

Ali
Ali
8 years ago

This is a very timely post for me, because I heard from my SA ex last night. He told me that he shared at his SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meeting last night about the loss of me, that he is sexually “sober” now, and that he has lost “the finest woman he has ever known.” Sometimes I do feel guilty that I left him after discovering his sex addiction. But he married me knowing he was an addict and not disclosing it. I was shocked at this and see it as a betrayal — even if he never “acted out” during our marriage. Of course, he did act out, and one year ago I discovered this and moved out. Any thoughts? I feel I was right to move out right away, but sometimes I still feel a little guilty about it.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Sex addiction is a crock of shit the way its described. If you’re truly “addicted” to sex – ASK YOUR FUCKING PARTNER TO PARTAKE IN IT WITH YOU. Or, failing that, you always have a hand/a toy and a fucking imagination/porn if thats your cup of tea. For fucks sake!!

Bev
Bev
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Sex addict my ass…. I’ve been hearing this sex addict shit for 3 years now. It’s crap. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! You are so smart to have walked out. What man needs to “share” at an SA meeting that he lost the finest woman? Like its a surprise that you f hookers and lose your wife? There’s a meeting for that? Here’s the deal, ask him when he shared this what was the response. The answer is it was a bunch of “poor guy, it’s so sad, she just didn’t understand how you’re struggling…” Shit. They are freaks to the nth degree. A normal cheater is better than a sex addict. Ask me how I inow…

Ali
Ali
8 years ago
Reply to  Bev

Thanks Bev, I would love to hear more….. sex addiction was never even on my radar until this happened.

Bev
Bev
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Sex addiction may or may not be true but it doesn’t matter. Even if they get into “recovery”, they trade a secret life of hooker f’n for a secret life of SA meetings and group perv circle jerks. And that’s IF you can somehow be assured he’s not back to banging hookers. I will say in all fairness that if sex addiction is real then the treatment model should be sued. They give these guys free kibbles for going to a meeting and admitting a “slip”. Slip meaning f’d a hooker. They do not get chastised nor are they encouraged to tell their partner. They get actual kibbles for admitting they “slipped”. It’s a whole brainwashing cult of freaks. You got out. Never look back. Not to mention the santimonious bullshit they spew just because they are “sober” (yes, in SA meetings they call not screwing hookers “sober”).

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Bev

I don’t really care what caused it. I don’t. He put my life at risk for his needs/wants/whatever and now I am putting my life before his desire to fuck things while I do all the work. You’re so right. It’s all bull.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

He put my life at risk with the slimy bar whore who has fucked who knows who. But she’s a misunderstood angel dontchaknow! And dozens of bondage bitches from various bondage sites. Aarrrggggghhhh! Who does this shit! Sick demented twisted fucks!!!

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  Bev

Sex addicts, the fog, the mid life crisis….. All bullshit responses to they just Fn suck! Mine loves the MLC…. BS bitch you got no morals or character!

Ali
Ali
8 years ago
Reply to  Bev

Thanks, Bev. It is just surreal — a side of life I wish I had never had to learn about!

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali

The jury is still out as to whether sexual addiction is even a thing. Studies (in lab settings) show the brain does not react the same way as it does to true chemical addictions. These studies kept it out of the DSM-5 which an actual clinical psychiatrist could speak more intelligently about than I could. Suffice to say however the psychiatric community isn’t buying it just yet.

Even if it is a true addiction though, you can ask anyone who has had to cut ties with someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol; you shouldn’t feel guilty. You have to protect yourself because the addict never does.

Not to mention that addiction to controlled substances does not get you off the hook for your actions. There are still consequences. If a meth addict robs a bank they still go to jail. The devil made me do it doesn’t cut it in a court of law and it doesn’t have to cut it with you either.

Hopefully his SAA will help him to be a better partner to someone else. Stand by what your gut told you to do and good on you for listening to the first time. That’s a skill not everyone masters!

You are mighty!

Ali
Ali
8 years ago
Reply to  Cheaterssuck

Thanks, Cheaterssuck!

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Do I think people are addicted to the adrenaline, the ease, the instant gratification and the increasingly weird or intense stuff they see or pay for when they classify themselves as an addict? I think if you classify addiction as the inability to live your normal life without using, and having to modify your normal daily routines in order to fulfill that usage, I think it exists. The ho-hub is so addicted to stimuli in general that he has 3 or more screens going at once- video game, phone, laptop with one or two windows of various garbage that’s just rotting his brain. Would he suffer physical distress or withdrawal of you took it away? No, but he would ‘be really bored’ for having to entertain himself for one hour. If you took it away for days he might be able to get an erection the old fashioned way… But that’s not the point. Addiction or not, he picked his addiction, or his affair partners or whoever over you. That’s why you left. ‘Sober’? Good for him. Now he can deal with staying that way with someone else. Not your circus anymore, because addicts relapse and you already made your line in the sand. You did the right thing.

Ali
Ali
8 years ago

Thanks, creativerational. I really think adult ADD has something to do with all this. Long before I knew his secret, I suspected he might have ADD and thought that diagnosis and treatment might really improve his quality of life, but he disagreed and wouldn’t go for testing. Well, I’m done trying to help now.

GreenGirl
GreenGirl
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali

As someone who has ADD I would like to say it’s like any other disorder in that you can use it as an excuse not to do something, or you can be glad you know and work to overcome what you can.

Janus
Janus
8 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

My STBXH thinks that the adrenaline phase of a relationship means that you are in love, and when you pass through that, then you don’t have the right feelings anymore. He likes to create drama and distance so as to recreate those feelings. It’s idiotic and immature.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali

There’s ADD, and there’s just being someone who can’t settle down and focus on something because you would actually need to complete it. I have diagnosed ADD and that means in order to do work I have to remove distractions. as such, I get annoyed when the husband and other folks use it as an excuse, because there are techniques and strategies you can employ. much like cheating, you have to actually address the problem! My husband is the guy who says ‘I can’t study without more happening around me” really? Because I watched you stop studying for 20 minutes and watch a cartoon, then you updated your fantasy football, then you went to the bathroom. You can’t tell me that just reading the stuff, by itself, doesn’t absorb as well as doing 4 other things while flipping the slides but not actually reading anything. And your grades don’t actually reflect that your method works. Oh well. Oh well. I am far from meh, I am far from no contact, I am just trying to enable him enough to get a ducking job so I can get rid of him and stop being annoyed by these crazy things.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago

A very timely post….

I commented last week on the post about dating again. I had just been dumped by a man who’d I’d only dated 7 weeks, he felt I hadn’t opened my heart to him within that time frame. In a subsequent message, he diagnosed me as ’emotionally unavailable’.

Oh really? Seems to me things had actually been going swimmingly, I’d been responsive to his (truthfully, very few) advances–we had NOT been intimate by any means. I sat close with him, cuddled on the couch, was an affable and agreeable companion, a great dance partner, our 6 degrees of separation coincidences were incredible, reciprocated his sentiments of ‘liking him a lot’, we could sit in silence comfortably ; there are many more examples of our compatibility—what else did he want????

Long story short, he contacted again and in flowery words and praise tried to retract his dismissal of me.

NOPE. Bye, Felicia.

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

He sounds like a piece of work-dumps you for supposedly not “opening up after 7 weeks” and now wants to get back together, possibly. He’s keeping his options open while stringing you along. Next time he contacts you tell him to hit the road, call him out for being a scumbag.

Ohana
Ohana
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Hesatthecurb, I’m happy to hear you talking this way. When it was more raw, you seemed to be putting all the negatives on yourself. But 7 weeks was really soon, in my opinion, for a guy to run out of patience. Even moreso with what you described of your behavior here. Congratulations on valuing yourself. You deserve it.

Portia
Portia
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Here’s the thing about dating — if a man is too impatient to understand that you are not ready to jump back “on the horse” so to speak, because not only have you been bucked off but also stomped and left for dead, then he is probably not going to show any patience in other area’s either. Some men call it “playing hard to get”. Hey Jack, I’m NOT Playing! This is serious stuff.

I am at the age where I could literally live the rest of my life without dating — it doesn’t mean I don’t want companionship. I have to be a good companion, too. I make an effort. I expect the man who wants to “get to know me” to make an effort, too. Maybe we are on different time tables — ok, so let’s discuss it. If you are honest with yourself you probably already know if you are physically attracted. If not, cut him loose. If so, let him know. Let him know what else you need to know about him, what has pissed you off so far, what you find interesting. Be prepared to hear the same things. Don’t expect to find happily ever after easily. Maybe never. But be clear about what you need and what you want. Don’t settle for someone else’s timetable. If ever there was a time for “you are not the boss of me” it is in this situation.

If a man says put out or I’m gone — say Buh Bye! and WAVE. He is not the right one.

Remember also that you may not need what you needed at 20, or 30 or even 45. You don’t necessarily need a father for your children, or a big time provider for the family. You do not have to match like a mirror image. He may not have the education you do, or have traveled like you have, or even be interested in ALL the things you are. So what? Do you have interests in common? Do you enjoy being with each other? Does he make you laugh?: ALL of these things are much more important to me than whether he is handsome or has won a zillion awards. When you get to the point in your life where you can see the end glimmering in the distance, your perspective changes. Things that may have been important at one time are not so important now. Does he say what he means and mean what he says? Does he treat you well? Very important, in my opinion. What are your values? Does he reflect and respect those? Very important, in my opinion.

Figure out how much time you need, and why. It is not a game, it is your life. Very important, in my opinion.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago

CL you stated above – “Chumps, if they don’t come back, if they never apologize — consider yourself BLESSED”.

After much agony I do now consider myself BLESSED. I will never see him or hear his voice again and for that I am very grateful. He lost me or should I say, he threw me away like garbage and I was the best thing that ever happened in his life besides our 2 children. His choices have seen him slowly but surely head down into the gutter, where he belongs.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

And Maree we know we are NOT garbage or broken. Those were the exact words i used to describe the discard after DDay. Somewhere we find our way after cleansing ourselves of the disordered. Toxic waste removed feels amazing.

brittneyk
brittneyk
8 years ago

This is a great post. I did not find myself so lucky, my ex husband went to some great lengths to convince me he was a human with human feelings…. In reality? He had a second cell phone to contact his affair partner, and went on a trip to vegas with her while simultaneously going to “therapy” to get the help he needs. I cut that piece of trash off 6 months ago, before the divorce was finalized… and even then I was still impressed by his interpretation of me communicating I dont want to talk or see your face ever again. Since then he has been in contempt of our divorce decree… refusing to refinance his car. He sent me flowers on my birthday, cut off my medical insurance, contacted a co worker, all the while he has moved in with his affair partner (20 years older than him) with four kids. Obviously he was very sorry 🙂 Some… maybe most of these cheaters are complete psychos……

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

Oh the tales of woe. I am so reminded as they back peddle and story tell of the movie Wag the Dog….

‘I’m not irrevocably evil, and gross and twisted and holding you to behaviours that don’t even come close to my own personal behaviours. I’m obviously acting out because of these huge fake flaws and some minor ones in our marriage.’

Whatever. I’m not biting. Oh no. I did bite, Saturday. Because I’m not out yet, I’m stuck until after holidays for various reasons. But apparently I didn’t swoon enough over Star Wars. So I am the worst. He literally packed a bag, and told me he never cared if he saw me again. I was faintly reminded of a small boy who runs away from home. If I wasn’t so gobsmacked at the immaturity of it all I would have laughed. Oh and also I was too busy fretting that he had figured out my plan to wait until he actually had a job so that we could finally be separated, and he was pulling the trigger so that he could just loaf.

But he’s not smart enough for that. He really is just mad that I don’t have enough gooey feelings for a fucking movie. Seriously.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago

I sold the marital home back in October. The day before closing, he showed up at my door – I thought it was the buyers because they were supposed to stop by to drop off a few things so I was caught off guard. Our legal agreement says he’s not supposed to come to my house but of course, he ignored that. I assumed he wanted one last look around the marital home but noooo, instead he stood there and told me how much he missed me and wanted me back in his life. It was all I could do to bite my tongue since we still needed to get through closing. I basically had a blank stare on my face while he was talking. Thank goodness the buyers showed up and he left. Interestingly after closing, he just looked at me and ‘well, I guess I won’t see you for while’, walked off and I haven’t heard from him since. Talk about Jeckyll and Hyde! I’m just glad that something finally clicked with him and hope he’s gone for good.

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

This is me exactly. In my heart of hearts I think he will beg for forgiveness and finally come home. I maintain this fantasy even though we are getting divorce after 35 years of marriage. He left and completely stopped talking to me in May of this year, after I found out (a burner phone) that he was cheating yet again with the same woman he has been cheating on and off with over the past eight years. I only found out about it during the last five when he left, saying he was ‘unhappy’ and said he had moved into a motel to think things over. In fact, he began ‘dating me’ all the while he was living with an old girlfriend from high school. He came back three months later, confessed and asked for forgiveness (but asked that I ‘help’ him get over her!) He stayed home five months, then was caught again and left again for her, came home and stayed home four years until I again caught him texting her, left again for a year and came back until the final DDay- May 12th. Since I kicked his ass out (finally) he is not talking to me. He stopped paying any of the marital bills or his own bills (all of which were in my name) and was trying to take half my 401K and kick me out of the house. That was seven months ago and I finally (last week) got a court ordering restraining him from selling his (cash) business and requiring him to make weekly payments towards the marital bills. Four separate times he promised to pay; four times he made one payment and stopped. I had to put our 22 year old cat to sleep- I texted him to ask him for the money to pay for it- and he didn’t answer me. Total silent treatment since he left. Was hard to deal with at first- like I was invisible- but then I didn’t have to hear him blame for everything- we have no money because of me- we have no savings because of me- we will never retire because of me- I should get a second job to make more money- he broke his body for our family- he doesn’t want to work anymore- Schmoopie doesn’t want him to work and she has a pension and will take care of him- she only wants him, nothing more- maybe someday I will find this great love he has with her- duh- I thought I did- I thought it was him. Now he tells my cousin (the only person I know still talking to him) that he has given me everything, what else do I want? wtf? Anyway, this is just a quick version. Yes, after years of torture and after finally understanding what he is- what he was all along- I miss him, or what I thought he was. I didn’t want to start my life all over again. I will have to work the rest of my life. I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to stop working and walk into the sunset with his ‘true love’ while I am left here alone, starting over. So yes, there is that fantasy that he will finally give me the abject apology I deserve- not one that says, help me get over her, I can’t get over her. It was never about me. I want it to be about me. I know I can never take him back. But this wall of silence is so mean, so hurtful. So yes, I do want the apology. I want him to be sorry. I want him to realize what he lost in me. And I want him to hate Schmoopie and realize that he sold his life down the river for a dream that wasn’t real. Maybe a dream that turned into a nightmare. And yes, I want him to suffer with the fear and lonely nights that I spent thinking I wasn’t good enough. Who would want me? How would I survive financially? Now I am stronger and I know that I am fine. But he broke me. My heart is broken. I will be fine but I will never fully recover. And do I want to see him come back on his knees? Yes, I do. But his silence says he will move on to the next victim before he ever attempts to come back because you don’t treat someone like this and expect they will ever open the door to you. I have outlived my usefulness. Now it is his turn to grovel.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

Doesn’t want him to work? But instead eat up her pension? Sounds like a real winner. My bet in in a few months/years time, Schmoopes will come to learn what your X really is, and then it won’t be so much fun after all. He sounds like a real MOOCHER.

I am sorry you are going through this and he’s such a disordered ass. One day he might look back and be sorry, when Schmoopes kicks him out (the chances are that she will).. but by then you won’t care.

Meh will come. Hugs to you. NCStevie.. LOVE the Steinem quote.

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

Thanks. The support from all of you really means alot.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

Right there with you lostandfound, X-hole broke my heart and broke me too (romantically), the only real love I can muster at this point is my deep and unfailing love for my children.

X-hole has been searching his whole life for someone to “save” him, I tried. You can not save someone from themselves if they cannot face their own ugly truths, the denial is too strong. My deepest hope is that he and OWhore suffer for destroying both of our families, I can’t wish enough misery on the both of them. I truly believe that she, like him, is completely selfish and disordered and is every bit as manipulating and conniving. I hope that she will use him and discard him in the near future. He’s already screwing around lol, he likes to keep his options open.

He will never find anyone who will love him as much as we did (me & son) but it doesn’t matter anymore, I could never trust him after seeing what he is capable of.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” ~ Gloria Steinem

Keep on Thriving
Keep on Thriving
8 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

Cheaters like yours are as scum of the earth as they come. She “will take care of him”? What, he still needs a mom? Is he five?
Once you get to Meh, his groveling won’t even register an iota in your mind, and even if he doesn’t, you’ll be too far out to care. Look forward to that day. It’ll help wonders.

HappyNow
HappyNow
8 years ago

Lostandfound, you say you will never fully recover. Please remember, “never” is a long time, and this is still very fresh for you. Not only could you recover fully, you might very well end up happier than you ever were before and happier than you ever could have imagined. It might be a ways off, and you might have a lot to go through first, but please don’t give up hope that you will be truly whole and thriving someday.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

+1

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago

I also feel VERY BLESSED Maree 🙂 I FINALLY will never see, hear or HEAR about satan ever again 😀

We are so very Blessed, all of us really, to be free of the abuse and to be able to live authentic lives without these disordered narcs!

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
8 years ago

I know this is hard to believe but it is a blessing when they have nothing to do with you and don’t come back begging for another try. I pray nightly that these true love schmoopie wingnuts stay blissfully married and happy because I get to live my life in peace!

God forbid one of them gets unhappy because the focus turns to the chumps. I got a Birdseye view of how disordered the ex could be when he got wind I might be enjoying life and his wasn’t going as well as planned. I never want to see that again so I’m careful about what I share on social media and even with what I share with my children.

So I am raising a glass to no contact and never looking back. If they turn their sights on you it might start out all nice and sweet but if you don’t respond the way they want, then lookout! I for one don’t want to deal with that!

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Cheaterssuck

Divorced four days and he moved back in with the bitch in a separate room in her house. Gonna work on their relationship. Big whoop! Four days. Me, I’m done, like an asshole that I am over 30 years I’ve given asswipe three chances. Broken sparrow three times. It was a blessing the last time I finally had my eyes opened very very wide and saw the ultimate truth. I had been living a lie and this lying, cheating, uncaring, broken down old man was never who I thought he was. Be gone sparrow! House is being sold and I said this morning, bye bye, get your shit out of here by tomorrow or in the garbage it goes. Soon I will be in my own home far far away from here. He doesn’t want me to disappear from his site but I can do what I want. Nice of him, fucker, relationship is over, its over, dine, period. Id rather break His face than his wing but he’s half crippled now. Throw out a cheater, gain a life.best revenge is living well and I intend to. He is upset I really didn’t decorate for Xmas. For who, me. Christmas is for family and I’ve no family here. Just don’t feel like it.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Kar!!! So happy for you. You are going to thrive!!!!

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

I don’t ever want an apology or remorse, I did, I obsessed about it for two years. Now I just don’t give a damn. Never want to hear his name, hear his voice or look at his ugly lying face ever again. Fuck him and the rest of his life! Just don’t give a fuck!!!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago

I don’t know who said this originally, but I learned its truth the hard way, “Giving someone a second chance is like handing another bullet to someone who missed you the first time.”

My ex wanted bogus reconciliation because it was to his financial advantage. He had a plan that I would financially support us, save the house from foreclosure and pay the bills while he pretended to be an actor and continued to cheat. Plus, that way he wouldn’t have to pay support.

Once I woke up and realized I was being conned, I finished the divorce process. Since then, ex doesn’t contact me often, but when he does, it’s usually some bizarrely sociopathic attempt to hurt me.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I have no doubt cheater ex would be doing the same thing Glad, if he were still around. He knew that I was done when I found out about his cheating ways. I told him early on that if he made the promise of fidelity to me, he better keep it. Failing to do so was a non negotiable bye bye and fuck off. He knew he couldn’t sleaze his way back in so he declared war instead. Fortunately he was so crazy that most of his pathetic attacks just backfired. Unfortunately the one the one that he got away with was horrific. A hollow victory for me.

So glad he checked out.

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

I know you are all right but there is cognitive dissonance- meaning, my head understands everything completely now, but my heart is in a different place. My friends would ask how I could take him back so many times and I would say that it still looked like him (the man I’ve known for 35+ years). I know he is using Schmoopie and she deserves everything she gets- she knew he was married and had a child at home- every time he came back to me, he left her. He only made the final leap when he was sure about her and when I would no longer let him live in the house. He couldn’t even stand up like a man about the money. Still blaming me, still not paying his own bills. Maybe I just miss being married. I didn’t want to be a failure in front of my son. I wanted my family together. And the silent treatment is so hard to bear- like being left for dead. I realize the cruelty of all those things and how he minimized what he did- and what he is still doing. How it all has to be my fault. Still hard to deal with. On tough days, I still blame myself but I really do know better.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

You stopped letting him walk on you. That makes you an absolute success in front of your son.

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

Thanks creativerational. My son won’t mention his name to me. I don’t even know if they are in contact but if they are, it’s not much. But I do think that my son now thinks of me as strong and that i will be okay. Unfortunately, he also realizes now that his dad is a pos. It’s sad for my son but it’s reality.

StarbucksGal
StarbucksGal
8 years ago

Awesome column. CL…Love you. Wish you a very Merry Xmas. Looking forward to 2016.

Oh Captain, my Captain. We are invincible with you leading us.

Hugs and Love

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago

“Chumps, if they don’t come back, if they never apologize — consider yourself BLESSED. You’ve been spared the mindfuckery and the second guessing.”

This would be me ^^^ BLESSED ^^^ It’s also painful at the same time. I know son and I are better off, the suddenness and finality of his departure is just more affirmation that it all (me, son, our family) meant absolutely NOTHING to him. Wrapping my head around that has been my greatest challenge but there is no denying it. Never again. Ever.

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Hard to know you mean so little to someone who meant so much at the time. I believe my husband just sees me as a thing to use. I felt it for a long time, this affair just puts into perspective how little respect he has for me and how easy it is for him to lie to me.

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

Well put. Wrapping my head around that my son and I meant nothing to him is really tough. But there has also been some peace in the quiet. No one is lying to me anymore.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

Me too, did NOT want to be a single mom again (that shit is HARD, I already raised one this way). I desperately wanted to keep my family together, I didn’t want to hurt my son or fail him.

Witnessing how X-hole has FAILED him is what made me see him for what he really is and the one thing I can never ever forgive. Our son would snuggle up to him every night at bedtime, he coached son’s little league team, we watched him 3 nights a week in TaeKwonDo, went to school conferences together….. He left and quit everything. He does the bare minimum. He gets son every other weekend, plays Disney dad for two days and he’s gone.

The hardest part is that my son is too young to explain the truth to him, he deserves to know his father is a disordered and emotionally void turd. I don’t want him internaling the neglect, feeling like HE is responsible for the failed relationship.

The last thing I said to that fucker the day he left was “don’t you break him! don’t you dare break him!”. There is NO forgiveness for this, it has little to do with what he did to me.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

*internalizing the neglect

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
8 years ago

I really needed to hear this. I had suspicions a couple of months ago, challenged him (denied of course), got evidence (and was shattered) a month ago, challenged him again (denied again and stopped doing the things that made me suspicious, although I only told him them once I had the evidence I needed).
I’ve got the therapist, lined up an attorney am working on the financials and was planning to tell him today that I’m filing but I chickened out. He has a trip booked with his still unconsumated fuckbuddy on the 31st so I wanted to get it in before then, let him know his kibbles are dribbling away.
Did anyone else endlessly second guess themselves? I know he’s a shit. I know he is now hoovering up his almost estranged sister to get her sympathetic to his cause and it is sad how easy it was for him to do. When I look at everything from a step back, it’s easy to see his dysfunction and his manipulations but it is still hard to avoid the pull of denial. I still keep wondering how much I may have contributed apart from being a doormat and have to remind myself that this behaviour exists with anybody else close to him, not just me, and primarily women. He’s also mindfucking the kids which I can’t stand. I need a reality check.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. I think it saved me months in a void lying to myself.

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

FinalyAwake If second guessing were an Olympic sport I’d be wearing gold! If it helps try to think of what you would tell a dear loved friend in the same position. Cheating is a character flaw that they choose to fully embrace and there is nothing about you that can be responsible for that.
You can rock that shit!

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

You are mighty. You can do this. We are all here for you. You’re not wrong. He’s messing with your kids. That’s not ok.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

You and I are the same person. Just keep doing what your doing. And chickening out isn’t a terrible thing. You need to get your courage up, that’s ok. You can forgive yourself that. A few months of work and you’re already making a choice that many take years to get to. Fuck, if you can’t tell him in person, wait til he’s away and text him. Tell him you’re sending naughty pics, of what you’ve been up to while he’s away.,. And then take pics of the proof (phone records or whatever), the divorce breif, and a picture of the new locks you’re putting on the door…. Makes you feel mighty but won’t be nearly as scary as saying it. Then when he try’s to call beg and barter, send him a pic of your email address. No contact.

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
8 years ago

Thanks.I thought of just filing and having the papers delivered but my lawyer recommends against it as I warned her he is a vindictive narc. She says I also can’t throw him out of the house :-(. So I’m kind of on hopium that he just stays in his country of origin when he goes to visit the ho. He doesn’t like being unsupported (he’s an immature child) and he guesses I’m pulling away, ergo the sister. If he just reverted to his little mamma’s boy self and stayed there it would be a relief. Coward that I am.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

Just stay safe. Get someone to be with you if you need.

WhatAChump2015
WhatAChump2015
8 years ago

“Chumps, if they don’t come back, if they never apologize — consider yourself BLESSED. You’ve been spared the mindfuckery and the second guessing.”

I don’t think I’d considered myself “Blessed” to have been used and discarded by the person that I loved and trusted. I loved that “Polar Ice Cube” that walked away and never looked back. I wasn’t even worth a goodbye. At DDay he went NC as did I with the exception the few things that needed to be cleaned up of our lives together (which he did the absolute minimum and never contacted). He walked away from me and my son and tore his daughter away from us as well. The family blown to smithereens by him.

At least if they try to come back, you were of some value to them, even if it was just kibbles. Those of us that were just thrown away weren’t worth anything to them and even our kibbles weren’t worth having.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  WhatAChump2015

Think about it though. If the polar ice cube as you’ve described him (love that by the way) is disordered enough to walk away and never look back without so much as a goodbye, do you really want that kind of disorder to come back looking for kibbles?

I don’t know your whole story, like how long you were married; how long his affair went on and if the son he left behind was also his. Regardless of those things, the universal truth about cheating is that once a person has sex with someone outside of the marriage, not only do they not love or respect us, they don’t even like us very much. If they come crawling back looking for kibbles, they are just looking to use us and that’s not the same thing as being valued or loved.

There is a certain amount of disorder inherent in every cheater. The most disordered ones get very belligerent and sometimes violent when you don’t respond in kind to their request for kibbles. You know your ex better than me but if you really think about it, do you really want that disorder back in your life?

Like the chump lady says, don’t settle for the barbed wire monkey substitute. When we’re with one for a while it becomes the only love we know and we start to internalize that it’s the only love we deserve but we all deserve. Your ex coming back and looking for kibbles is the barbed wire monkey substitute. You deserve better than that so hold out for the real thing!

kdrotar
kdrotar
8 years ago
Reply to  WhatAChump2015

I have felt like this a lot, I had the heartless empty elevator shaft in place of a soul type of cheater. But I do think that if he had expressed remorse when i was feeling more vulnerable I probably would have taken him back because I would have thought it was best for my daughter and I would have been miserable and unhappy forever.

But really I’m starting to realize that his inability to look back and his serious 180 in how much he hates me and tries to make my life miserable is really just an indication of how much he hates himself and even probably OW. He can’t hate himself. He can’t hate her. But on some level he knows what he did was super shitty do he directs all that towards me, even in his icyness. He can’t stand to be around me, respond to a simple text or email about our daughter and it just shows me how much guilt he must feel deep down inside, guilt that he knows he has but can’t even acknowledge that he has.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago

Oh damn, I love this post, CL!!

KeepAwayNarcs
KeepAwayNarcs
8 years ago

My answer, “Oh, HELL No! I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.”

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

I waited five years after discovering the cheating and hoped and prayed he would ‘change’. Instead, I got five years older, five years of verbal abuse and feeling bad about myself, and he got five years to plot with his mistress to financially destroy me. Warning. They don’t change. They just use you a little more until they are done with you. And then you are not even gum on their shoe. Even in court, his lawyer told the Judge that I spent all the money and that he is a poor sick man. Even in court he wants the judge to feel sorry for him. My lawyer said that a physically ill man doesn’t have the time or energy to live a dual life, and doesn’t take 20-30 flights a year to visit his Schmoopie. Poor him. Even minimizing his behavior in court!

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

20-30 flights? How did he have the time? That’s crazy

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

Girfriend lives in FL. (We live in NY) She bought a house there so that there could retire and move there together. This pesky divorce is preventing him from moving there full time because he can’t sell his business because of the divorce. (Although I suspect he did already sell it. Also, he needs some more time to take cash out of it and tell his lawyer, poor him, he is sick and has no money.) Poor sick him. He can barely get on that plane every week and lay in the sun. Meanwhile I drag my ass to work everyday.

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

I also want to said that after he did all the above shit to me, he was shocked and pissed when i served him with divorce papers and stopped talking to me (permanently!). Then he was shocked and pissed when I took him to court for failing to pay what he had agreed four times to pay!

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago

My Hasbeen left without so much as a look or word back. The only times he contacted me was for stuff and to gloat, so I cut him off completely.

He knew I suppose that once I had seen the dead look in his eyes and watched him lie to my face that the Font O’Cake was dry. But he knew I was still in enough pain and shock to get me to sign a dissolution without deposing his secretly pregnant mistress. He left me in so much debt. I just accepted it to end things. I was a chump to the end.

Sometimes I envied SO DEEPLY chumps who got hoovered, or Unicorns bitching about triggering. I just wanted validation ONCE that the feelings he supposedly had for me once were real.

The pain of total discard was the most intense kind of pain I’ve ever felt. It forced me to fix myself, but there are still burnt ends smoldering and minor issues of trust that no amount of time passing will ever reach,

The only thing that still really gets me is that there seem to be no shortage of willing victims for this shitheel. He has split with his baby bearing Schmoopie at age 49 and is playing happy families with his 4th victim in 4 years.

While I date and enjoy the company of others I doubt my ability to ever really fall in love again. He seems to fall in love once a year.

I don’t ever want him back, but I wish he had to struggle alone as I have.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Wow Luziana, almost every word resonates with me, sans the pregnancy. X-hole could fall in love with a brick if it could talk and tell him he is oh so “hot” or “special” and he lays the bullshit and charm on so thick he can always find some willing piece of tail.

They will never struggle alone, they don’t do ALONE. They can’t stand to be alone with themselves. I just want the whore he left to be with to be discarded and I don’t give a shit who he dumps her ass for, or even for her to toss his ass away. I told him I will NEVER be civil to her and dared him to ever bring her around me.

Hope49
Hope49
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luziana,

Any woman who spends 2 days putting up Christmas Lights on your Dad’s barn/shed and bakes cookies for the neighbors is going to have a good life ahead. BELIEVE that! Your picture reveals you are a cute blond with an adorable pixie cut and a lovely warm smile. Now then…what is there NOT to love about you? You will have decent guys hoovering and your picker is on the mend. Fear not! 🙂

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Children’s paddling pools have more depth than that fuckwit, Luz. Thats all it really boils down to.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz

The disordered’s inability to struggle alone stunts their growth.

lostandfound
lostandfound
8 years ago

Exactly. It hurts to think that he has broken my heart (really) and is off in Schmoopie land. I am not ready to date yet but I will be.

Nord
Nord
8 years ago

Wait a sec: if I dash across a cornfield at twilight… wouldn’t I get lost? Have you ever BEEN in a cornfield? It’s an endless maze! Plus – Children of the Corn!

Don’t go back, chumps. Danger lurks.

Pauline
Pauline
8 years ago

While my unicorn was involved in his 3 year affair, which I found out about 2 years later, the ow revealed to him that she was sleeping with other men, and not seeing just him, so he stayed in touch with her, but stopped ‘seeing’ her. Every time we argue, he brings this up, that he ‘ended it’….but I feel like a ‘consolation prize’…not the fabulous one but boring ol’ me. I am still trying to reconcile, but this thought, haunts me!

donna
donna
8 years ago