What to Say to Sanctimonious Rubberneckers?

Tis the season for unsolicited advice.

Apparently, a bunch of you aren’t doing divorce right, and some well-meaning onlookers (cough…) have seen fit to point out your shortcomings.

In yesterday’s comments, “Fern” imagined a rebuttal for busy bodies:

“When you find out your spouse has been fucking strangers up the ass while you are home taking care of all the adulting, then you and I can exchange ideas about how best to spend the holidays.  Have a nice day.”

Then Tempest chimed in with her own slogans.

“Have your life blow up in a nanosecond, THEN you can give me advice.”

“Gee, I don’t remember hiring you as my life coach.”

“I don’t listen to sanctimonious jackasses.”

“Bitter is better.”

Of course, I immediately thought “FRIDAY CHALLENGE.” So your job today is to tell me what real or imagined snarky thing you would say to a sanctimonious rubbernecker. You know, those people who stand at the sidelines of your crisis gawping and Monday morning quarterbacking.

Got any choice words? Or My Meh Is Stronger Than Your Idiocy pointers?

TGIF!

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

348 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Betterlatethan
Betterlatethan
6 years ago

Blank stare and pause after their inane feedback. And then: “There is no data to support that.” End of discussion.

Because there is no data to support that. Next.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  Betterlatethan

Love this, Betterlatethan!

Lioness
Lioness
6 years ago

ok I must be nuts.
Smile and nod.
No words.

That will drive THEM crazy…!

baselchump
baselchump
5 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

yup. that´s my approach. except with a smattering of “thank you for your feedback, but until you are in the same position as me, I´m not interested in it”

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

BusyBody: I just wish you would let me help you.

QueenMother: What are you going to do? Kick him in the balls?

BusyBody: (scoff): No, you. I want to help you, with your problems.

QueenMother:

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago

Thank fuck that from the beginning I was upfront and my friends had my back!
I’m sure there are a few “Switzerland “ friends out there but they’re not in my radar one year out.
If anyone comes at me with the “get along” or “forgive” crap I know where I’ll tell them to go!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

Same here, RollerSkater!!!

I really can’t think of any instance of anyone in my circle that didn’t have my back.

Anyone else that doesn’t get it can eat sh!t.

I am neither Jesus, nor do I have Ahlzeimers

WorkingOnMeh
WorkingOnMeh
6 years ago

Enlightened one: “You have to accept the apology that was never given”.

Me: “What the actual fuck does that even mean? How about you accept this fist bump to your forehead.”

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  WorkingOnMeh

Or just say “Then you must accept the forgiveness that was never given.”

Then sit back and watch them puzzle through this.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Brilliant!!

dandoopy
dandoopy
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Ha ha! Appropriate answer.
“Accept the forgivness that is never given”

Phoenix2016
Phoenix2016
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Haha perfect!!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Adult children: it’s been three years you should be over it by now.

This is for life. (No contact).

Then let’s not talk about it.

Me: you are the one who brings it up.

Then let’s not talk about it ever again.

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Thankfully my adult children realize that it’s best for me I never talk to the cheating whore ever again. Yes..No Contact for Life! 100% agree!

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Ditto.????

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

I don’t remember asking your opinion….and if I want to hear from an asshole, I’ll fart.

Warrior
Warrior
6 years ago

OMG! The fart remark is hilarious. That is the best line ever!!! Dying laughing!!

Clothed in strength
Clothed in strength
6 years ago

Where is the like button?! Love this!

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
6 years ago

SuperDuperChump it has been 3.5yrs and (this is the first cheater joke) I have laughed at so hard my sides ache. Thank You. Thank you very much.

Chumpzilla
Chumpzilla
6 years ago

I have a variation on that theme:

“When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”

Too aggressive? ????????????

Tammy
Tammy
6 years ago

Super duper chump
Excellent!

Tammy
Tammy
6 years ago

I love this one best…. Houston we have a winner!????

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

I’m Laughing Out Loud at work and people are looking at me…

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
6 years ago

Excellent! I’ll remember this one. Thanks!

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago

Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

JamLady
JamLady
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Ding, ding, ding … winner indeed!!

thensome
thensome
6 years ago
Reply to  JamLady

Haha. Love this.

Janet
Janet
6 years ago

One of my moms favorite sayings was “with friends like you I don’t need enemies ”

I think it applies here

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

I’m approached and asked by my relatives:

Where does he live?

Don’t know. Don’t care.

Does he still have his business?

Don’t know. Don’t care.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I get that too since he’s vanished. “Don’t know where he is now, but … when he moved out, he moved in with his mistress into her grandmother’s house.”
And frankly, why do they keep asking?

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I lost track of my cheating fiancé after we split and I enforced the No Contact rule. Then, of all people, her father wrote me a letter out of the blue and told me where she was and what she was doing with her life. I didn’t want to know, but boom, there it was. I half suspected he wanted me to make up and get back together with her. Ain’t gonna happen, my friend. He’s been stuck with a few creepy sons-in-law, but that’s what happens when you have a creepy daughter.

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

‘If you want to know, you should call him. He’s at the same number.”

That’s what finally worked on my Mom, who would periodically ask about the x and say how much she had always liked him.

Geode
Geode
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I get those questions too and I wonder why people assume I care enough to keep track of the creep almost 2 years later. So I say “don’t know, don’t care since I kicked him out in March 2016. “

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

OW: it’s Time we made peace.

DoingMe: of all the women he cheated with you are by far the ugliest whore he’s picked up and fucked in a hotel.

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

God that’s a beautiful response!

Ida
Ida
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

OW: It’s time we made peace.

You: The fact that I haven’t punched you in the face shows how peaceful I am.

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

HAHA!! I’d love to see her face after that response!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Hahahahaha….touche’!!!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

You are a genius.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago

Agreed!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Most of the time, these numbnuts appear in the early stages….when you are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. You ran 2 stop signs (because you didn’t notice them) on the way to the store in order to find something under $2.00 (because that’s all you have) because you haven’t eaten in 4 days…..and June Cleaver decides to stick her opinions into your business about “forgiveness.”

Truth be known, Ward was probably out banging Eddie Haskell’s mom behind June’s back instead of playing golf.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago

Oh…the “Nobody’s perfect” crowd! People who say that are most likely cheaters themselves.

Nobody is perfect…..but that doesn’t give anyone a license to cheat, lie and deceive.

Geode
Geode
6 years ago

Funny SDC. Every “perfect” family has its secrets. But I think it was June who was fooling around. Remember her on that Airplane a few years later?

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

I forgot that she knew jive.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

Dude….you are KILLING it today.

I’m holding my sides…

UnflownKite
UnflownKite
6 years ago

So far, no one has mentioned needing to forgive to me. If someone bothered me about forgiving my ex-husband, I would stop talking to them. I finally got a few hold-outs to stop pestering me about how I should encourage my 18 year old to forge a relationship. That is not my job, and it is not hers. If anyone is going to reach out, it will be the cheater, and his reach out may prove to be pointless. The topic is all academic now anyway, because he is not going to reach out. I’m looking to the future.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  UnflownKite

Ah, yes, the subsidiary busybodies, who think it is our job to encourage our wise children (who often went NC before we did) to “forge a relationship” with their fuckwit cheater parent. As if trying to keep a marriage together single-handedly wasn’t sufficient. We must have Super Powers! We can force people to do things against their will–cheaters to keep their privates locked up behind zippers, and children to feign ignorance that one of their parents is an unredeemable ass.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Luckily the only person (other than my ex) who told me it was my job to get my grown children to reforge a relationship with the Edgar Suit was ex’s stripper gf. Then she “gifted” me with some advice on how to accomplish that. I told her I would consider taking parenting advice from her as soon as she got custody of her own kids which should be approximately when hell freezes over now that she has a felony drug conviction to add to her resume.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Omg Beth I know all about that one “GOOD” post!????

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Good Job Beth! LOLk

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Oh God the nerve!

Geode
Geode
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh I love the folks who assume that we also lost our parenting skills in the divorce.

Susannah
Susannah
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

My oldest son was (still is) an incredibly headstrong, willful child. Time out? Sure, if I duct-taped him into the chair. Take away toys? He didn’t care. Nothing phased him. He threw a huge temper tantrum at Wal-Mart, destroying a display while I was trying to contain his younger siblings so I could catch him (he was three at the time). We were just out of an abusive situation, and he was still adjusting to not living in constant fear and tension. So he acted out a lot. I caught him, put his diaper, pants and shirt back on. He kicked me as hard as he could, so I grabbed his arm and gave him a swat on the rear. A lady felt compelled to tell me that her daughter only ever used time out, and that her daughter’s children were always well behaved. I was exhausted, broke, and stressed beyond belief trying to keep everything together. I didn’t respond well: “Fuck you. And fuck your daughter too.”

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

LOL, I love it good response!????????????????????????????????????

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

They have no idea. I once told such a woman, “You’re next.” I merely threatened a swat when something similar happened. Never mind that I didn’t know how I was going to feed the child, we were all dealing with abandonment and imminent homelessness, I had prescriptions I couldn’t fill, and had lost thirty pounds in a month. No one ever offers to help. Nope they just sit there smugly judging and interfering while you lose your damn mind. Maybe she could have said, “Let me hold your baby while you get her.”

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

I often see a parent with children having a struggle herding them along when at the store – I offer a smile and, if possible, a ‘you are amazing and doing so well juggling all of this’. I also offer a hand with a child or groceries or a car door etc.. It doesn’t cost much to show a little kindness.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

????????????????????????

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

I don’t get a lot of that crap anymore.
I find the idea of spending any time at all with Narkles the Clown so repugnant a suggestion to do so means you don’t know me at all. This means you either get a big laugh followed by a loudly stated “hey, everyone, this person thinks I should spend the most joyous part of the year with a Narkles the Clown, you all remember the one who cheated on me, stole my money and ignored the child we have together on his birthday so he could fuck a whore.”
Or, If I’m feeling quiet or with a group of people who don’t know the situation I patiently educate that only God can forgive Narkles the Clown for his years of whoring, stealing from me and other transgressions. When someone sends you a photo of your spouse having sex with someone who isn’t you, look me up, I’ll be there to help you sort it all out.”

Don’t be afraid to explain exactly why they should shut the fuck up. Had to see your spouse profess their love to someone else? Walked in on the person you gave your heart to having sex with another? Had to paternity test your children? Figured out you have to work into your 80’s to make up for the marital assets she spent on her other man? Had to explain to your children the reason you are being treated for cancer because daddy couldn’t keep it in his pants?

Find your righteousness. Lay it out there. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed. Don’t feel the shame your unfaithful spouse should be feeling. Tell the truth. That’s how we change the narrative.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Good post and that’s exactly what I do I tell the truth all my family and friends know exactly the true lying, cheating trash he is!

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Even when I’ve laid it out there, though, the sanctimonious cows generally say something like, “*shrug,* there are always two sides to any story.” So now i don’t bother explaining because it feels like just one more violation when I go into detail of the horrible way I was treated, only to have someone play Switzerland.

flowergirl
flowergirl
6 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Two sides yes . He cheated I found out that just about sums up both sides.

Stigofthechump
Stigofthechump
6 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Argh I got the “two sides” crap from the MIL. It always amuses me that that phrase is specifically designed to end the conversation and therefore shut down your side of the story…

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
6 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

I hate that ‘two sides’ crap!!! How can there be any other side than ‘he lied and cheated for ten years and spent OUR money on who knows how many whores and living the high life while I was struggling with three special needs children and wearing Walmart clothes’!

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Unless you have been through what we have, you really have no clue. People mean well but they really don’t understand AND they don’t understand that if you have kids with the cheater, they are “the gift that keeps on giving” because until the kids turn 18 you HAVE to deal with them whether you like it or not.

My wife and I have good friends who were high school sweethearts and have been married for over 40 years who just don’t understand the bitterness in my voice if the topic of my Ex ever comes up. One day I explained to them and pointed at the wife and said “imagine that you find out tomorrow out of the blue that he is screwing 3 different women without protection, there are thousands of dollars missing from your accounts and when you ask him he lies then admits that he never loved you, you never met his needs and he is trying to find his happiness. He then says that he is leaving you tonight to stay with one of the whores and that you and your kids won’t get a penny of his hard earned money and then he walks out”. I then looked at the husband and said “imagine the female version of that”.

I then said “now imagine that this person whom you loved tells every friend of yours horrible lies about you that they believe and then fights you at every turn in the divorce. They then make your relationship with your kids as difficult as they can”. It takes you 5 years to emotionally and financially recover from all of this.

Now would you be a little bitter about this ?? If someone just said out of the blue that you should forgive the person who tried to destroy you wouldn’t that piss you off ?? That conversation happened a few months ago and they never have said anything more about it. I agree with the advice that if the person talking is a friend and really means well then educate them and don’t sugercoat it !!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Agreed! I went NC a month after separation but kept quiet about my reasons for divorcing him… When he moved his mistress in two months later, I sang like a canari to all our friends and our community to let them know exactly who she was and how long a relationship overlap I had uncovered… Getting ahead of that narrative was the best move in the shit show that our divorce turned into… He was mad that I exposed him and was ever more mad that I name her “your mistress” and then “your wifetress” after they got married.

Once a “friend” tried to convince me of the need to meet with my X to discuss things related to our kiddo… My response?

“I disagree.”

I don’t owe anyone any justification or explanation about my decision to use a parenting software as my way of communicating with my X. I am a mighty grown ass recovering chump, I know exactly what it means to have your life blown up by a selfish cheater, to keep forging on despite having to live with the consequences of other people’s disgusting actions, to push through for a divorce and choose peace over justice for the sake of our kiddo when the X marries his 25yo mistress at 50… It takes a whole lot of work to get where I’m today, and I am not about to let some misinformed RIC reps kick me out of my state of Meh.

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

So well said!!!! And too true!

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

I. Love. This. So much!

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Alloutofkibbles: Hell to the yes! I am tired of being told what I can say, how I can feel, and how I should respond to 23 years of pure bullshit. I have told my 2 teenage children the Truth..not the gory details of course, but the facts. I don’t want them wandering if it was their fault, what was really going on or hearing half truths and rumors. They don’t deserve that. Their dad made the choice to lie cheat steal and throw momma under the bus because he is the center of his own universe. I hope that by seeing just some of the pain and devastation his choices have caused they will never treat or be treated this way. The system is designed by and for cheaters. I don’t feel sugar coating the poison makes it any easier to swallow and it is just as deadly in the end. I have based my life on protecting and educating my kids so they can truly have a better life than me. They understand respect and trust are earned and forgiveness is granted to folks that have met their requirements.. confession, atonement, repentance..etc.. and it is their choice either way…I tell people that say stupid shit to me “ok..would you want this done to you or your child?” ” Would you want this creeper freak living next door to you or dating one of yours?” Then shut the hell up and keep your opinion/ advice to yourself…

Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed
6 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

“The system is designed by and for cheaters.”
I said this to the mofo just last night. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make him acknowledge the damage he has caused and continues to cause. My kids are my life. They are 17, 15 and 13. While he puts his dick and his whores first, I am always with the kids at a ballgame, a practice, the science fair, a play, parent-teacher conference, doing homework, fixing meals, etc., etc…. Someone has to be the adult!
Now he wants to have the kids 50% of the time. Too bad the kids don’t want to see him. They know what he has done. They have to listen to him tell them that affairs are common, couples grow apart, blah blah blah. They are so angry with him. I am furious and scared at the same time. He will get what he wants, and I’ll be punished. It makes absolutely no sense. I will be in for a fight if I can’t get him to back the fuck off. I am blessed to have kids who are happy, active, social straight A students. Now he wants to fuck this up for them. He first started screwing coworkers in 2010 (I have no doubt he’s been doing this to me for the last 18 years, I just don’t have proof.) I, of course, gave him a second chance. He was going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me, haha. Well, that was hard for him because he has finally found his soulmate. He is so in love with her, even though he still sexts the first slut. Such a nightmare. My goal is to keep the kids on the right path. My youngest is in 8th grade. If we can make it 4 1/2 years with some peace, it’ll be a miracle.
When I am told to forgive him if I want to find peace, I ask them if they have experienced what my children and I are are experiencing. When they say no, I tell them that they have no idea how it feels. I cannot forgive someone who puts slut coworkers ahead of his “wife” and children, over and over again then tells the children that affairs are common. I want him to burn in Hell, I don’t want to fucking forgive!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Overwhelmed

Applause and hugs to you Overwhelmed. Those idiots should be helping you. Words are cheap.

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

“When someone sends you a photo of your spouse having sex with someone who isn’t you, look me up, I’ll be there to help you sort it all out.” LOVE IT!!! I kind of wanna put this on my Christmas cards to Certain People…. wrong?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Jo

Yes, that’s the best line ever.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

A month after d’day and only days after finding my 9yr old DD had cancer, my now Ex minister took it upon himself to tell me in no uncertian terms that I had absolutly no right to be telling people that my marriage was over because, “once they had restored him, how was I going to save face when I had to take him back if I have already told people my marriage is over?”. In the heat of the moment all I could think to say was “well if you manage to restore him feel free to introduce that person to me because that’s not who I am currently married to”. What I wish I had said was “Restore him?????? what is he a 1964 Chevy, oh please send that shit to the reckers, We’re done”! In this same exchange I asked “at what point can I say my marriage is over?” to which the minister responded without skipping a beat “when I tell you” which was the moment I realised he needed to be my EX minister.

My Ex also cheated with men and just like me many struggled to connect the person he presents in public and who he really is. He is still in the closet and is now married to another woman in our school community. Sadly I have come to understand in this senario that christian circles excell at ‘don’t ask- don’t tell’. The dumbest question I was asked following D’Day because of this mentality was “I heard what you claim he did, do you have his confession in writing?” I had no comeback for this at the time but now I would just laugh and say “yes would you like it notorised and posted on the schools bulletin board?”

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Lyndaloo,
So sorry to hear about your grandson. My girl is now 13 and is currently in remission, we have another 3 years before she gets the all clear. Thanks for the love.

Jo,
I grow more and more aware that my situation is not unique. I have not heard of that forum before and may check it out. Yes because my cheater has remarried a woman many just gloss over what he has done because they think his being with her will make him straight. Or they praise his efforts to live as God intended. Palm to forehead. He cheated, never owned it, claimed it was all in his past from the moment he confessed and then some months later stated he had been delivered. No remorse, He is just an angry nasty piece of work especially towards me because I call him on it.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

I know exactly mine is an angry piece of work also and never owned anything! We have been NO contact nearly a year now and he disgusts me still!????

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Or simply respond with a return question:

“Do you passive-aggressively attack all victims? That’s sooo pre-Weinstein.”

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Hahahahahahaha!
This comment has made the pain of reading this post actually worth it. My heart feels warm now.
Thank you.
<3

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

“I heard what you claim he did, do you have his confession in writing?” What is wrong with people?? Denial is a powerful force, and we have a culture of not believing victims when they speak truth to power.

My STBXH also cheated with other men while living as a closeted straight man, and one of the friends to whom I confided this to early on simply will not believe that there is a whole group of closeted gay/bi men out there who use women as beards because they are too cowardly to come out and live their truth. And they like to use people. I was a beard for 16 years. A bearded chump! Lots of us share about this on the Straight Spouse Forum.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Jo

I like it our society is sick!

Baffled
Baffled
6 years ago
Reply to  Jo

I was a beard for 13 years. In public, he is a well-liked, well-respected churchgoing pastor’s son. In private, he was cruel. He was emotionally and verbally so abusive I used to wish he’d hit me, just to have a visible marker of all the invisible beatings I’d endured. A counsellor listened to my experiences and immediately referred me to a social worker that specializes in helping women to transition out of violent homes. He refused to spend time with me, touch me, kiss me – let alone sex! The handful of times we managed to copulate over our 13 year marriage were incredibly demeaning. I was shut in a loveless, truly sexless marriage – a wife appliance only to be treated decently while in public, and treated with disgust and scorn in lrivate. He is highly secretive about the porn he claims to watch. He spends all his free time with men.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

These “holy rollers’ just slay me. Here you have a women who’s child has just been diagnosed with cancer and the stupid minister asshole is worried about forgiving the cheater asshole. It’s all about “there but for the grace of God go I”. These guys always come to each other’s defense bet this minister asshole is screwing around or thinking about it. Hope all is good with your daughter now. I lost a four year old grandson to cancer, it’s horrendous thing to deal with cancer and children. Hugs to you and your child.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndaloo,
Sending you hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss of your precious Grandson.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Agreed Lyndaloo our first Judge here in Canada had no qualms about letting me know that Adultery is not illegal including our home and that he could choose whomever as long as the children were not physically touched! Absolutely filthy and I have been fighting every step of the way!????????????

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

To quote the sophisticated philosopher Hank Williams, Jr:

“Why don’t you mind your own business?”

#acountryboycansurvive
#texasboyslovetrucksandguns
#allthisovertimeiskickingmyass

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

Switzerfriend: “Your other friend SolidFriend told me that you said CheaterBoy was very abusive to you over the years.”
Me: “He was.”
Switzerfriend: “You really need to be less negative about him. It wasn’t All Bad, you know.” [Said sitting across from me at her dining room table with her sixteen year old daughter sitting there listening, moments before a dinner party was about to start, so I was constrained from really answering this in any substantive way]

Me: SolidFriend is my friend and she is supporting me, but I can’t control what she says to other people. But what I told her was true. And yes, it wasn’t All Bad All The Time, but CheaterBoy is the one who destroyed what good there was by cheating, not me. If me speaking about my feelings makes you uncomfortable because it includes “negative” behavior of CheaterBoy caused by him, just tell me. It means our friendship isn’t going to be the same anymore.”

And it never was. 18 years of friendship went poof.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

Agreed!????

Phoenix2016
Phoenix2016
6 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

I think you came up with a good response! As for the “It wasn’t all bad” comments, my favorite is from Chump Lady: “Sometimes bad things blot out the good things. ‘I really enjoyed that shrimp taco!…until they pumped my stomach.’ He’s a bad shrimp taco.”

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
6 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix2016

Ex often throws the ‘but we had some good times’ line out there. Well, many of those ‘good times’ happened while you were cheating so those times are polluted and cancelled out. And any previous ‘good times’ have a cloud over them because who the hell knows when you started lying and cheating?!

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix2016

LOL!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

“Restore him?????? what is he a 1964 Chevy, oh please send that shit to the reckers, We’re done”!

Awesome! ????????????????????

I am jealous of all those of you who are quick witted!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Me too I so love it!❤️

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Feelingit,
I am the first to admit that my mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years as the comebacks have been cutting at times. But the shit that was said to me following D’day was just astounding. This same minister the day my daughter was diagnosed said to me “that I had to forgive my cheater even if it was a cold-hearted decision because his actions were only physical, not intimate”(how he came to that conclusion I have no idea. 20 partners over 8 years) If I had not still been in shock from the news about my daughter only an hour earlier I probably would have told him he had just described my sex life with cheater.

I just want to put it out there that switzerfriends are painful. The most common thing I heard from most of them was that they did not want to cut ties with him just incase he somehow had a revelation that he was in the wrong and needed their support. WELL tell me how is that now sitting with everyone because we are now 4 years post D’day, No one questions him because he is now married to another woman, DD who is now in remision from cancer refuses to have regular visitaion with him because he broke her trust, and I have an email acount I have to close because the moron used DD’s Ipad that is linked to said account to surf porn because all of the divices in his home are nanny locked by the church. But if I speak up I am just the bitter ex who has not gotten over everything.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, what you’re describing is not a church but a cult.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, I agree–the Switzerland friends cause a more long-lasting pain than cheater, I think, because we still expect some fairness from them. It is sad when we have to give up any sense of justice from a wide swathe of the population (instead of just a single individual); it alters your world-view.

KH73
KH73
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

You hit the nail on the head for me, Tempest! As horrific as the betrayal from my exhole was, it was the switzerfriends that pushed me to thoughts of suicide.

One stupid ass paramedic screwing a nurse and imploding 22 years of history…I could accept.

Multiple decades-long “friends” inviting him instead of me to events, telling me they didn’t want to get in the middle, telling me that they were good Christians so they were going to forgive him and, tsk tsk, I should too…that pushed me so far down the hole of depression that I didn’t think I’d find my way out.

I thank God I found a great therapist, a great doctor, and a new friend I can rely on for support.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  KH73

KH73,

I so hear you, the church crowd surrounded my cheater, his social life did not miss a beat, I avoided Christmas evens following D’day because I was ashamed of what had happened while he just went and chatted and mingled without a concern in the world. He had everything, me out of the picture, peoples sympathy over our separation and the opportunity to hang out with the guy he was crushing on without questions. Because no one knew the truth. When our daughter took ill I was by her side 24/7 he would swan in and out all dressed up or wouldn’t show at all if he had a better offer than visiting his sick kid and allowing me to go have something to eat or even a shower.

One idiot even validated his being invited to a 40th birthday as it being part of his disciplinary measures as the person who’s birthday it was had been assigned to mentor him. WTF? I guess any excuse is better than non.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Agreed!!! My X use to hassle me about this because I realized it even before the divorce. Just didn’t know she fit the definition as well.

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

This^^^^

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Oh yes, I would love responses for Switzerland. One of my best and most supportive friends has a Switzerland husband. He also shows many signs of narcissism. He tells her not to take sides but she has. She thinks he is lying low waiting for the divorce and then he can be friends with both of us. He is wrong.

He is a lawyer and does say a few things to his wife that are helpful and would be for my protection but he still tells her to stay neutral because she is only hearing my side. She doesn’t though, she is a good friend and she knows the truth. She hates cheater and loves my new chump plagerized nickname for him”fuckwit”.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

-Desmond Tutu

Lifeisgood
Lifeisgood
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

To add:

“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

Weisel

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

Silence is NOT golden. Especially when dealing with perverts and cheaters. Silence allows them to skip off Scott free.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Love that quote. It reminds me of one of my faves that now holds personal meaning post DDay:

“The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crisis maintain their neutrality.”

-Dante Alighieri

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Neutrality is cowardice. Heaven help us people like Martin Luther King and Abe Lincoln were “neutral.”

Too Many Rabbit Holes
Too Many Rabbit Holes
1 year ago

MLK Jr was a cheater. He was with multiple women over the course of his marriage. Possibly even on the night of his death. I looked up to him my entire life until infidelity hit me personally. He is promoted as a pastor, so I assumed Christian values. But, no. He betrayed his wife with multiple OW.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Love that quote. It reminds me of one of my faves which now holds personal meaning post DDay:

“The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.”

-Dante Alighieri

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Uh, it sounds to me like your friend’s narc lawyer hubby is a cheater who hasn’t been found out yet. “Stay neutral” and “there are two sides to every story” is some shit that gas lighters definitely say.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Jo

Yeah. The “two sides” bullshit. The problem is people don’t really WANT both sides. They want the soft sell the cheater gave them because it makes them feel comfortable. They don’t want to hear YOUR side. Because hearing “that guy you liked so much? the one you let in your house around your wife and teenage daughters? He liked to screw around with whomever he could. He hired fetish prostitutes stealing thousands in marital funds. What you don’t want to believe that may be what happened to that $500 you loaned him? Oh by the way, he did all this without protection and may have exposed me to lethal diseases. I found out he for sure slept with one of his friends wives and another’s 19 year old daughter. What you don’t want to believe that? Didn’t he offer to take your teenagers camping?”

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

When it comes to a cheater’s dirty deeds….there is only ONE side of the story- the betrayed victim’s side. The cheaters “side” of the story is always a pack of false / selfish justifications, blame shifting, minimizing and gas lighting.

Silence is NOT golden ……cheaters love a chump’s silence. It gives them the opportunity to reinvent reality.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Terrifying. Just terrifying.

Manipulatedchump
Manipulatedchump
6 years ago

Sister-in-law: I’m praying God will change your heart and your mind about divorce
Me: Really? I’m praying God strikes him (STBX) down with lightening

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

LOL!????????????❤️????????????

Baffled
Baffled
6 years ago

Yes!!!!

Baffled
Baffled
6 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

Oops! My “yes!!” was in support of the hope that cheater stbx gets struck by lightning! Sorry.

Baffled
Baffled
6 years ago
Reply to  Baffled

And in support of all the other witty comments posted here! ????

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago

Former Sister-in-law: Everybody has a right to be happy.

Me: Oh I totally agree! Not speaking to him makes me sooooo happy!

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

Heard it from MIL about just want X to be happy. Wonder how she feels these days dear X is married to an unemployed physical abuser. Is daughter happy now? You and hubby happy? I really don’t care because i’m happy being free of the BS!

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Ex MIL shouted at me down the phone about how he was so unhappy, during the only conversation I have had with her since d-day. I’m sure he is much happier now, he has no wife or girlfriend and probably very few friends. His family live miles away so the only support he has is the 60 something year old friend of his mum’s, who’s house he lives in.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

I love these stories, how the ex is alone and unhappy!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

It’s amazing, my MIL used to ask X constantly in my presence ‘are you happy dear’. It used to burn my butt. He was the golden boy that could do no wrong. MIL was also a snob though she came from Royalty she would be mortified by Schmoopie. She’s a boorish, common, tramp, chipped nail polish and all. Oh I wished she could see sunny boy now! Ha! What a joke the pair of them make.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

My in laws KNEW how much I loved their son/brother. I told them he was the best thing that happened to me.

I’ve not heard jack squat from any of them.

Takingbackmyname
Takingbackmyname
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Same here. Not a word from
The in-laws 25 years with the family not even i’m sorry are you OK how’s the kids nothing. Told the one sister what happened that he’s been cheating on me with different people and she said maybe you can go to marriage counseling I said why would I go to counseling there’s nothing wrong with me there is something very wrong with your brother. I said your parents should ask for money back from the Catholic schools that your brother went to because obviously he never paid attention to the 10 Commandments. Lowlife loser.every day he cries because I’m taking half of his pension. I’m going to make a great life for me and the kids with his money

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago

Your in-laws are similar to mine. Here’s part of what I’d love to say to my MIL and FIL about my cheating husband aka their son: “Neither of you have bothered to reach out to me to verify his stories (or just to hear my side) in spite of the 25 years of knowing me. My character has been consistent, whereas your son is deceptive and it’s certain that this just didn’t begin now. You’ve encountered it yourself since he was a child and still choose to turn a blind eye anyway. The support you are giving him for his immorality and deceit is indicative of the lack of compassion and humanity you were supposed to instill in him. Blood is thicker than water obviously, however I feel sorry for the guilt you must have for raising such a deplorable human.”

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

SIL said the same thing to me; “I just want him to be happy.”

I’ve never spoken to her again. Silence – in this case – is the best response to stupid.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

I dumped all his family and friends the day I discovered his sister made Facebook friends with now Mrs. Twatwaffles (kids informed me last night that they got married. He told them not to tell me because my head would explode. Nice)

Good riddance.

Wonder No More
Wonder No More
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Mine did too! I found out when I saw a like from Skank Ho on on of her posts. I immediately unfollowed former Sis-in-Law. I am one of the wimps that keeps my disappointed silent though. She doesn’t know I did that.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

My mother in law constantly reinforced how he was entitled to happiness when he was cheating.

Well she doesn’t like Nanthony. My guess is she will change her will.

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago

What is it about SIL’s and their hero worship? While I hope my nieces never face the pain of their family being blown up by infidelity, I sometimes dream of the day I can say to their mother “tell your daughter everyone has a right to be happy. That’ll comfort her.”

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

I told my sister in law that I hoped Santa would bring me a taser the Christmas after d’day.

sadly my request was denied!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Academy has some nice shotguns on sale right now. That Mossberg Tactical 12 gauge pump is nice at $169.00….and it’s already sawed off. Plus, every Country Boy enjoys teaching a woman how to use one….especially those that still say “Yes, Ma’am.”

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

guns are not an option Down under

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

Do you have an available brother, around 50 or so?

Sigh.

I love southern boys….

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

Right on!

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

hahahaha!!!! Good one!!!

Mom Of Two Good Guys
Mom Of Two Good Guys
6 years ago

It’s been so many years that I can’t remember the last time anyone brought up daughter’s dad, or my relationship with him. (Don’t have one these days.) Every once in awhile, someone will ask about my daughter’s relationship with her dad, (which, it’s been about four years now since he has answered a call, text, or Facebook message from her), and my response is that they are both adults who can manage their own relationship; it has nothing to do with me at this point.

He has not been there for her during some major life crises and changes these past few years. She has gotten married, lost a baby to still birth, had to evacuate from her home due to Hurricane Irma, been involved in a horrible car accident in which her husband was at fault, and just started a fantastic new job. I don’t know how much of this he even knows about, although I believe she did extend him an invitation to her wedding.

MightyChris
MightyChris
6 years ago

I’ve told all our joint friends that I don’t expect them to take sides, I’m not setting any condition of ending their relationship with her to continue one with me. And I’ve been lucky; most haven’t picked a side, and it’s been clear once I’ve told my side of the story that there’s a lot more sympathy and understanding for me – less statements about “well, the relationship can’t have been right”, or “she wouldn’t have done this if she were happy”. Only one joint friend picked a side; her side.

That friend is very, very sanctimonious and judgemental.She works for a charity that does work in Africa and is basically a non-religious version of a missionary, here to impose her views of righeousness upon the world. She thinks she is a beacon of tolerance and understanding, but if you don’t agree with her worldview then you’re a horrible ignorant person. She has certainly tried to insert herself into the breakdown of our marriage & has become my wife’s unofficial cheerleader. I had a friend who was due to meet with me for a drink, and she couldn’t help telling them; “Just remember, there are two sides to every story”. When asked to clarify, she told said friend “Oh, I couldn’t possibly tell you what I’m referring to, in case you pass it back to Chris”.

That little prick interloper. As if things weren’t hard enough.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyChris

Chris, one of my friends told me, early on after DDay “if they are ok with [cheater], then they are ok with what [cheater] did to you.”

While nothing in life is black or white, and none of us are perfect, is it acceptable to you that your trusted friends accept what was done to you and how you were treated?

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyChris

Chris, early on I didn’t expect friends to take sides. I believed they would also keep a neutral stance and we could all remain friends. Eventually I found out they weren’t my friends.
If they’re not standing by your side and standing up for what is right then I’m afraid they’re not your friend.
There’s no such thing as being friends with both.
If someone deliberately betrays someone I care about, is dishonest, imploded their world and life as they knew it for over 20 years, they’re not friends of mine. As Tracy says, they’re not my tribe. I refuse to be friends with them, first for hurting my friend, second because they’re untrustworthy. You need to be with people who support you consistently and who are loyal friends. These people are not your friends. I trusted Switzerland friends and learned a hard lesson.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I have a stricter definition of “friend.” A friend is on my side, period, even if I’m wrong. And then, she’s on my side for calling me out on my wrongness. But my friends (and they are few) would never stay friends with someone who hurt me.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Agreed!????

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyChris

Chris, just cut these assholes out of your life. Who gives a rat’s ass what they think or say. There’s a saying “don’t worry what people think if you only knew how little they do “. If someone approaches me with forgiveness crap, I respond with ‘ you have no idea what the hell yours talking about’ and walk away. It’s none of their god damn business. They get the message and they shut the fuck up! I’ve only had one Switerland couple friends that tried to give me advise and I showed them the door. If you listen to this crap it just undermines your resolve to place the blame where it belongs with the Cheater! We are mighty and we don’t need unsolicited advise!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Agreed I have been lucky there and everyone I know was shocked and disgusted with my ex husbands cheating! What hurts the most was allowing a 9 year old boy to tell me! How PATHETIC!????

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

“So sorry, I find it very difficult to listen to you, what with my legs up in stirrups getting checked for STDs from my husband and all.”

“Funny, I don’t see it as a loss at all.”

“I’m not bitter and angry, I’m smart and will protect myself and my children with everything I have… just like he should’ve.”

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

I love it so agree and don’t negotiate with terrorists that’s a good one!????

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago

I guess this must be the bright side of my 49-year-old STBX fucking my 19-year-old niece. I get no comments from the sanctimonious rubbernecker section. The advice I get usually involves fists, crowbars, or lead.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Omg are you serious? That is filthy but these days I’m not surprised the filth that is running around!????

woolwasovermyeyes
woolwasovermyeyes
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

I feel like that would be an interesting conversation starter… How did you two meet? Oh.. Uh he’s my uncle, but not really…. Like WTF?

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago

I feel your pain. My ex bitch slept w my cousin

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Holy Crap!

I have no words

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

OMG, Did he really fuck your 19 year old niece?

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Lothos, yes he really did, and continues to do so. He moved her in with him after I left.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

My niece was a few years younger when my ex exploited her youth and inexperience by coercing her into sex many years ago. I pin the blame for that choice entirely on him. (I also can’t help but blame myself for bringing him into her young life, which is a feeling that logic doesn’t work to diminish.)

People with shitty character don’t tend to have boundaries around their BS.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amii, I didn’t realize your X is on the same uncle-fucking team as Woody. I’m so sorry your niece was corrupted by a predator. It’s a horrible emotional wound to the family. Will it ever heal? That will depend on whether Bazooka Jane wakes up and leaves him, or stays there and breeds. Sickening thought, eh?

I completely blame my STBX, but the niece has also betrayed me and the whole family. She is “morally and ethically confused,” as my brother (her dad) puts it. I brought her to live with me to help her with college, and instead she took my place. So, yeah, they’re both sick in the head.

But hey, now I know who I was really married to! And now that I’m Meh about him, I’m grateful that he revealed his true self (even though I wish it weren’t with my niece). Now, I’m changing jobs, moving far away from the infidels, and dating an amazing he-chump! I get to gain this wonderful new life that I never would have dreamed of when I was dancing and spackling for a hollow log of a husband whose favorite hobbies were gaslighting, projection, blameshifting, and the whole nine yards of passive aggressive mindfuckery.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Your story always infuriates me. I had a lot of uncles (my father had 5 married sisters) but it would have been unthinkable that any of them would molest one of their nieces and it would have been unthinkable for us to betray our aunts. Because we loved them.

Mehny Rivers to Cross
Mehny Rivers to Cross
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Oof… I forgot to say… TROLL! Stop gloating, manipulating the thoughts/ feelings of those who have genuinely been betrayed by their spouses. You and your ilk make me puke.

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Something is wrong with your Niece?

Your X is sick for sure but what is your Niece thinking with pursuing a relationship with a person that is old enough to be her dad.

WOW!

What is her parents position on this? (rest of the family)

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Lothos, if you are curious to know more about it there’s quite a bit of discussion in the 3-channels blog from back in September.

https://www.chumplady.com/2017/09/mindfuck-three-channels/

Trying2Cope
Trying2Cope
6 years ago

My narc bribed everyone in addition to trying the smears. His canal scurried to him for their little treats. Bonus: I get silence instead of having to hear from morons devoid of integrity.

But if anyone did try that sanctimonious pap on me, I’d say he fooled me long ago and I guess he fooled them too. Only difference is now only one of us is fooled. And it isn’t me.

Or I’d ask, how’s not having integrity working out for you?

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Trying2Cope

Exactly this was my two FORMER sister in laws both bitches from hell and tried to cover for the pig when they found out their brother was being the faithful husband he should have been! I now have nothing to do with any of them nearly a year. Life us too short for that toxicity

Trying2Cope
Trying2Cope
6 years ago

*his “cabal”

Untold
Untold
6 years ago

STFU YHNFC
Shut the fuck up. You have no fucking clue.

hayley_jay
hayley_jay
6 years ago

‘I forgive nothing and no one.’ Said calmly and quietly, while maintaining eye contact. They ALWAYS look away first.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  hayley_jay

“You can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry for what he did.”

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  hayley_jay

Yes I know exactly about the looking away bullshit mine could never face me, “EYE” contact why is that? 53 year old man acts like he’s 17 again!

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

I got so sick of “helpful” church ladies (who had never expressed interest in me before) coming up and, in pitiful tones, saying “We should get together for coffee sometime. You know, every marriage is difficult and I think I can help you.”

This happened a couple of times but finally I had had enough. One particularly irritating, snobbish woman said, “John and I have had our problems, too. I’d love to help you through this.”

I just turned to her with this really awful expression on my face and said, “Oh NO! You mean John’s been fucking prostitutes TOO?!”

She was literally speechless.

These women honestly thought that their petty toilet-paper-under-or-over marriage issues were exactly the life experience they needed to counsel me.

That’s one reason CL and CN were my salvation. Finally — real people living out the same shitstorm who would allow me to be brutally honest, f- words and all. What liberation! (And for the record, I DID end up finding some church friends who had their own struggles and were honest and transparent and have been my lifeline as well.)

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Oh dear sweet Jesus I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

“John’s been fucking prostitutes too!?”

That had me rolling! Her face must have been priceless!

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Love it, love it, love it! Hah!

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

LOL! made my day! I would have loved to be there to see the look on her face. Self-righteous people kill me

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

“John and I have had our problems, too. I’d love to help you through this.”

She kinda sounds like a former chump to me. Someone who stayed in her marriage despite being cheated on. If that is the case, she is in more misery than any of us are, simply because she is living RIC hell for the rest of her life.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

That is awesome.
I wish I had said something like that.
I had a particular couple’s marriage held up as the example of what I could have if I just stuck it out. It was constantly referenced that I didn’t have it as bad as this one or that one. Blagh blagh blagh.
So the day the wife of this couple passed me in the kitchen at church and stated “Oh you are just like me, I ran away from my marriage too once” I was floored and in my anger stated I had not run away it had imploded.
I so wish I had had the ability to say to her “what was your husband fucking men too” that really would have shut her up and created uproar in the church. To this day most of them do not have a clue why I left choosing to believe that I was just not willing to work at my marriage and gave into my anger issues. Not one person from the church has called me in the past three years, they all act like I died and go on living there narrow little lives, while the new victim sits in my seat.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

You didn’t leave a church. You escaped a cult. It takes a long time to recover from that.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, these people are ignorant idiots, they have no idea what your X did but rest assured once he does it to his “new victim” they’ll get the message, and we both know it’s just a matter of time. These “Cheetahs” don’t change their spots or their behavior.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

This is so true, CN has saved my sanity as well! Chumps understand, no judgements just sage advise when you ask for it and compassion when you need it!

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

I can’t get past the original comment

“When you find out your spouse has been fucking strangers up the ass while you are home taking care of all the adulting, then you and I can exchange ideas about how best to spend the holidays. Have a nice day.”

I simply can’t stop laughing.

Here is one from a guys perspective that is a spinoff of the above statement and Billy Bob Thorton!

“When you find out your wife has has not been able to shit straight for a month and you had nothing to do with it then you can come talk to me!”

LOL

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! Hahahahahaha!

Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

I cannot stop laughing at either of those responses. I needed this today. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in 2017.
Thank you to everyone with these great responses!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

My ex moved back to the States nearly 3 years ago. About 6 months ago I was introduced to one of his (skuzzy) drinking buddies. He looked astonished. “YOU are P’s ex wife”! Ex had been telling people I used to beat him up when he came home from work. HA!!! When I heard that I almost peed my pants laughing. But just to say I don’t look anything like a husband-beater so you get the idea. So the friend then asked me how ex was. I just said “still a cunt” and left it at that. Admittedly this was said in French and “con” has a slightly different connotation to “cunt” but it still ain’t a compliment!

Saorsa
Saorsa
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Thanks for the laugh – what a great comeback.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago

I am so looking forward to the genius of this group. I am at a loss for how to deal with my mil who makes no effort to communicate with my kids and blames my bitterness and inability to forgive. The kids are older and have free rein to communicate with whomever via text and email and fucking pony express, but rather than do that, she tut tuts that my bitterness is hampering their lives her life whatever. She’s never tried to reach out to them. I’ve been accused of airing dirty laundry, when in fact all I did was tell the truth about the marriage. The lies were prettier and easy to manage. The truth is dirty laundry. So don’t mind me while I audit this class and take scrupulous notes so I can tell that bitch off (she’s a counselor).

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

I would deal with MiL by being no contact. Zero. None. She has multiple ways of having a relationship with her grandchildren, including through her son. That’s true no matter the age of the grandkids. And remember that nothing bothers the disordered more than the truth, so of course telling the truth about the end of the marriage will lead to lots of cackling among the hyenas (and it is a “cackle of hyenas.”)

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Simple way is to cease contact with her. I went NC with parents as soon as I did with X. My kids are old enough to decide how much and what relationship they want to have with them. Let your X handle visits and kids talking to inlaws and you communicate with X through email or on-line service. Not your job to maintain a relationship with X parents or help kids. That falls 100% on X.

Em@meh
Em@meh
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

She sounds like my ex MIL. We had a massive run in and she told me I had to “take responsibility for my part in it” so I told her I wasn’t the one that “had their genitalia in someone else’s mouth”. That kept her quiet for a bit, then I went NC with her and the rest of the in laws. Best decision ever. Not my responsibility to establish and maintain the relationship between my kids and her. It’s his and their’s. And same same- they are totally into image management and how others see them (her and ex) and it all made so much more sense about where his narc tendencies came from. Stay well clear of the narcs for your own sanity!

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

I discovered in college when taking psychology courses that the disordered and mentally ill flock to study psychology so that they “can understand themselves”. Remember that the disordered don’t usually come from a healthy family with happy parents with a healthy relationship. The kids are either abused emotionally and/or watch the same shitty behavior from their parents. Your Ex is the copy but your MIL is the original and I’d have as little to do with her as possible.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Tell the MIL the sign of good parenting is fostering autonomy in children.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Haha. Which their dad did by fucking around and ignoring them.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Ask her; as a counselor, why she’s thinks she raised a cheating lying narcissist ? Maybe if you and the kids could understand, it might help with the bitterness!

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

She is a narc. Toxic and image manager extraordinaire. Has never made a mistake in her life, nothing has ever been her fault. She’s Lucy with the football, and the world is Charlie Brown.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Well as they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! I’d just cut her out of your life and go NC. If the kids want a relationship,as you said, they have free reign. She sounds toxic! Ugh!

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Luckily geography is my friend. I want to have a script ready for when/if I see her again. She cried about emailing me but I had blocked her so who knows. I’m the snarkiest bitch around, but she has manipulated me for so long (30 yrs), i freeze. Her late mother did the exact thing, and when I was younger left me in tears more than once. It’s the only strong gene in a very shallow character pond. Not smart, just flat out mean in a smiley package of do-gooder. Definition of nice, not kind.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

OMG, hollowbunny! Do we have the same ex MIL?!? “Not smart, just flat out mean in a smiley package of do-gooder.” EXACTLY!

And what makes this even harder to believe is that HER husband, ex’s father, walked out on her and her three kids – when ex (the oldest) was 12 – for a 17 year old schmoops (he was 42). Flew her to Las Vegas the day of her 18th birthday and married her the next day. You’d THINK there’d be a modicum of understanding and/or sympathy there but nope! Haven’t heard a word from the ex’s family since he abandoned. Wonder what lies he fed them, although they’ve always been less than warm to me and my kids. No great loss there.

Special Snowflake ha!
Special Snowflake ha!
6 years ago

Them: You need to forgive, God tells us we need to forgive.

Me; I have forgiven. I have forgiven myself for being fooled so long by a lying, cheating, emotionally and mentally abusive bastard. Him, that’s not my purview, that’s between him and God. Let God forgive him, or not. Last I read in the Good Book, God isn’t too fond of liars and cheaters.
But, hey, thanks so much for being so concerned for my soul. I think I’m ok with God, myself. You might want to spend your time praying for MVM, I think he’s really gonna need all the prayers he can get so he doesn’t burn in Hell. But, do what you want. Have a nice day!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

Besides, part of the official process of forgiveness in the church involves, unprompted by discovery full and complete confession, absolute real contrition and remorse, and the truthful promise to go and not engage in that sin anymore. Without this there is no absolution and forgiveness. So, how many of us got this? Anyone? Anyone?

SomeWhereOutThere
SomeWhereOutThere
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

I think I did, but the stain of deceit and betrayal will always be there and I can never trust him the same. Me and the marriage will never be the same. Right now, I’m at ‘indifference,’ the marriage is empty but I’m ok and trying to make some very important decisions about where my life is headed.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Yep, totally agree!

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Damned right. My motto is, No Forgiveness Without Restitution

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago

Love this, Special Snowflake ha!!!!!!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

I have shared some long missives about forgiveness in the past – short version, how I have forgiven him any “debts” he might owe me, but I will never accept or excuse his behavior or allow him in my life, and I think that’s appropriate – but the short version is what people get from me nowadays…

“He has already received all the forgiveness he’s going to get from me, and I’m not apologizing for or justifying that to anyone.”

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I like that comeback, Amiisfree!

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago

My friends and family all had my back and supported me all the way, so I was fortunate in that regard. If I ever get approached by someone like this, I’d imagine it’s best to just keep it simple:

Busybody: You need to do this. You need to do that. And be more understanding.

Me: I appreciate your concern, but frankly you have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

My kind of response. However these days it’s just FUCK YOU

chumpsterlinzz
chumpsterlinzz
6 years ago

Here is yesterday’s gem: This is from my mother who is a cheater.

Mother: I told my hairdresser about you and she thought that maybe you stayed so long with cheater was that you were ashamed of how things were.

Response: Thank you for your help. I certainly wasn’t planning on taking the blame for my cheater but you have shown me the light. Good luck with spreading your wisdom to others. ????

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago

I don’t get comments on what I should have done. The circumstances around the divorce we’re too extreme and too public. There was no way for any sane person to defend cheater ex’s actions.

For those unacquainted with the story, I say one of two things depending on the conversation. One…….When asked why we broke up, I just say I objected to his girlfriends.

Two…..About forgiveness, I say some things are unforgivable. That Spirit will have to give me the power of forgiveness if I am supposed to forgive, because I do not have the ability, cheater ex’s acts were too evil.

There have been a few who have decided to be intrusive and obnoxious and pointedly ask me to explain that statement, as if they have the right to demand that I explain myself to them. That’s when the gloves come off and the snark comes out……”Cheater ex kidnapped my youngest son and murdered him, and then killed himself.” Usually shuts them right up. Knocks the sanctimonious right back on their collective asses. Haven’t heard any holier-than-thou comebacks to that one.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, I always draw inspiration and perspective from you. And no doubt anyone who would push you to the point where you tell them the facts is asking to get knocked on the ass.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Thanks everyone, and LAJ…. you’ve got that one right, and the snarky part of me is more than happy to oblige.

Other Rebecca
Other Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

I admire you for several things, among them that you got out of bed on any day since that tragic loss.Also the strengh of your firmly expressed convictions regarding busybodies and other judges disguised as friends.
I’m so glad that you are still here and choose to encourage Chumps, showing the loving care for others you keep in a still-warm heart. I wish you all good things in your future plans.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Personally, I would think there was something wrong with you if you did forgive him.

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Umm, wow!

Just wow!

I am so sorry 🙁

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie,

God Bless you

My heart is broken for what has happened to you .

Please take care of yourself. ❤️

Susannah
Susannah
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Every time I hear your story Tessie, it takes my breath away. I am sorry about your son.

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

I’m breathless every time, too— sending huge virtual hugs to you, Tessie.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, I admire you tremendously, your story is horrific and the fact you post here to help others is truly wonderful. You give everyone courage to carry on.

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago

“So, I guess you failed Remedial Integrity?”

🙂

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

I had everyone making a comment about my marriage in the beginning except for the cheater, he didn’t need to fight for it. He could just sit back and let others (church leadership) do it for him. That way when it failed and it did, he knew it would. I made it very clear if I ever found he had cheated we would be done. He could be the victim. It has taken 4 years to get their opinions of me out of my head.

Please do not let the shit these people try to speak into your life take hold, it does not pay rent so don’t give it the space. I am not the unhappy angry person I was living with my cheater. People see what they want to see to help them cope with the situation. most encourage reconciliation because it would be better for them not you. They want you to own part of the blame so they can avoid having to make the grown-up decisions of holding the cheater to account.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, I agree that “most encourage reconciliation because it would be better for them, not you.”

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago

Old friend after I described the abuse and that exasshole nearly killed me said “Well, if he calls me I won’t repeat anything you tell me”. Bottom line she insisted she would remain friends with him and noted “I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t there”

My response: “Then we can’t be friends”

Her: “You have no right to tell me who I can be friends with”

Me: “True, I am telling you who I can be friends with, have a great life” Click.

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Brilliant response.

ElleB
ElleB
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I have relatives that chose to remain friends with XH. They fancy themselves to be enlightened people because “there are 2 sides to every story” and “this is between you two”. You’re my fucking relatives so thanks for nothing. I no longer talk to these people because you’re either for me or against me and you gave me your answer.