Stupid Shit Other People Say

Recently in a comment thread we got to discussing stupid, insensitive things people tell chumps. It’s everything from the grossly mistaken — gee, the affair partner doesn’t seem all that bad! To the dunderheaded smugness of, “I’m so glad my husband would never cheat on me.” (Bully for you.)

Chumps, being pretty nice people, are usually taken completely off guard. Did you really just say that? To help you identify Stupid Shit Other People Say in the future, I’ve broken down the SSOPS into a few categories.

1. Your Misfortune Is Very Threatening to Me. See “dunderheaded smugness” above. If a comment seems oddly competitive — “I’m so lucky that my biggest marital crisis was my husband buying a Trans Am!” — you can rest assured that this person is deeply freaked out by you. So let’s heartily avow that Bad Things could never, ever happen to them. Why did a bad thing happen to you? Well, because you brought it on yourself. And in that respect, we’re very, very different people. Unless we’re not. In which case your misfortune may be contagious, so I’m going to avoid you entirely in any case to make sure I don’t catch it.

2. You’re Doing It All Wrong. You know what you need right now? Someone yelling at you from the sidelines of your life. “You should wait 6 months before you make a decision. You didn’t wait 6 months? OMG! Everyone knows you have to wait 6 months!” Chances are this person has never experienced your particular calamity, but they are well versed in exactly how you are fucking this up. You really should thank them. No? What’s wrong with you?

3. Damning with Faint Comparisons. Let’s say you share that your wife cheated on you with 15 men she met on Craigslist. This is the person formerly-known-as-your-friend who replies, “Wow. That reminds me of like, when my car wouldn’t start. I thought it was the battery, but no, the whole alternator was bad. Cost me $700. Can you believe it?” No. No we cannot believe it.

4. Norman Vincent Unreal. “Think outside the box! Shift the paradigm! Breathe!” Are you feeling suicidal? Norman has exactly the right sunny cliche to make it all better. “Everything happens for a reason.” You can’t find a reason? “Every cloud has a silver lining!” Please God make him stop. “A smile is just a frown turned upside down!” “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” “It’s always darkest before the dawn!”

So I’m curious — what sort of stupid shit did other people say to you? (Not including the cheater, of course, who has their own page of Stupid Shit entirely.)

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Yoder
Yoder
11 years ago

His sister: Are you working on it?

I am thinking: How do you work on unfucking the OW?

Blue Eyes and Bruises
Blue Eyes and Bruises
11 years ago
Reply to  Yoder

You are now one of my heroes.

Tallula
Tallula
11 years ago
Reply to  Yoder

LOVE this. Love. The end.

Kelly
Kelly
11 years ago
Reply to  Tallula

Hahahahaha awesome!

Carol Bolling
Carol Bolling
11 years ago

“I guess you never know what goes on behind closed doors.” The insinuation being, that there was something wrong with our marriage that WE were hiding.
No, the only out of the ordinary thing going on behind closed doors was what my husband and his co-worker would do at the No Tell Motel. In our home, he was pretending to be the devoted husband and I *was* the devoted wife. Who, when I had reason to believe he was being duplicitous, acted in my suspicions because I have no desire to live someone else’s lie.

GreenGirl
GreenGirl
11 years ago
Reply to  Carol Bolling

Isn’t it amazing that we know everything about the latest celebrity divorce, including who’s to blame, and will fight passionately to defend the actions of our favorite star, but when it comes to people we’ve known for years it’s “well who really knows what happens behind closed doors.”

Nord
Nord
11 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

I’ll just go completely off topic and say Team Brandi in response. 🙂

pearl
pearl
11 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I loooooove Brandi!!!!!

Laurel
Laurel
11 years ago
Reply to  pearl

yep… I got the “you never know what goes on inside a marriage” comment too and from my fave relative of his…

The truth is she’s right.

I had no idea what was going on inside his marriage.

Jennifer
Jennifer
11 years ago
Reply to  Carol Bolling

I got a version of that: “one never knows what goes on inside a marriage.” I thought that odd, because it sounded as though it would be actually *okay* (with enough provocation) to have an affair ~ as to just leaving and filing for divorce.

Tamara
Tamara
11 years ago

“…after all you two have been through, it’s a shame you can’t get past this.”

No. What’s a shame is that “after all we’d been through” he couldn’t keep the ole zipper up.

From our lawyer (not separation, but a joint case): “I don’t like to think about X in this world without you. He’d just be so lost.”
Me: Well, I guess he should have thought about that a bit earlier. When I leave I’ll let you know, and you can have the job.
Her: HAHAHA no thank you!

Linda
Linda
11 years ago

Neighbor:
“You split up? OMG, I used to watch him mow your lawn from my window, he’s so handsome. All the women in the neighborhood think so.”

Former best couple friends for 18 years:
“We went out with him and his 20-something OW. She’s really nice. You need to get over it. It’s not bad, just different.”

Nord
Nord
11 years ago
Reply to  Linda

I had someone tell me to be careful because STBX ‘is really hot and someone will snatch him up’. Well, lots of women had snatched him up and they are welcome to him. Sheesh…like him being hot means I want to hang on to the doucheball.

Kay H
Kay H
11 years ago

‘Just get past your anger and it’ll be so much easier.’ Gee, thanks, that’s helpful. My husband told me he found a girlfriend because my dog ate his hat and I wasn’t sympathetic enough. I don’t know why I can’t get past my anger. My hat story is here – http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-hat-story.html

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
11 years ago
Reply to  Kay H

Kay, I love your hat story – my ex was not that creative, his was “I asked her to get up and leave the computer and she never listened”, he forgot I telecommute and that’s my job. looking back we can just laugh and say WTF?

carol
carol
11 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Reasons my ex gave for cheating on me: I got upset with him for blocking me in the hallway once when he wanted to kiss me and I was in a hurry to do something. He told me that in 2005. It happened in 1985. Did he ever tell me that he was upset about it? Of course not.

I didn’t sit with him on the couch when we watched TV. I sat in the lazy boy chair he bought me for a Christmas present. Did he ever tell me it bothered him? Of course not. Did it ever occur to him that I found it highly uncomfortable to sit on the couch? If he’d told me this bothered him, I would have bought a lazy boy couch, for crying out loud. (I NEVER sit on the couch. I love my lazy boy chair. It had nothing to do with him that I preferred the chair. It’s my back!)

I wanted to eat out too much. “Too much” was most Friday evenings. I was in nursing school. By Fridays, I was wasted. He made six figures, and we could afford a $30.00 meal out once a week. Excuse the fuck out of me for thinking it was ok to have what MOST PEOPLE call “date night.” WTH

At the time, his claims made me feel horrible. Looking back on it, I’m stunned. I adored this man and it showed. And the funny thing was, he acted like he adored me too…until he was busted. Then he turned on me on a dime. It was like emotional whiplash.

Ashley
Ashley
11 years ago
Reply to  carol

Your hat story tops the reason I got all day long. I was told that while on our honeymoon I forgot he wanted to have a glass of wine at Epcot Center and he never put himself first….so he didn’t speak up and I am the bad one because I forgot (it should be mentioned the when he did say he wanted to have a glass of wine it was 2 weeks before the honeymoon and I guess the jack and coke he ordered while I had wine didn’t count). I will be repeating the hat story on your behalf!

Moving on @51
Moving on @51
11 years ago
Reply to  Kay H

After a 23 yr marriage and 4 yrs of dating each other= 27 yrs together my Mil says” it’s been a whole year, it’s about time you got over it!”

Kay H
Kay H
11 years ago
Reply to  Moving on @51

A whole year?! Wow, you should have been remarried by then. Seriously, why are you taking so long?

nomar
nomar
11 years ago

Supposed friend of 20 years, also a groomsman at my wedding 22 years earlier: “Both you guys mean a lot to me, and I just want to stay neutral.”

Really? Because you have no strong opinions about someone who destroys the family of your friend? Even in *these* circumstances you don’t want to sympathize or support? Glad I never got in a bar fight thinking you’d have my back.

That some people think they can be so cold and call themselves “friends” boggles the mind.

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Oh the neutrality! I think we all have some of that. I had a great friend and his wife who are still stuck in “neutral”. I’ve known this friend for 23 years, since we were in high school. I get it at first, when it was possible there could be a reconciliation, but after the divorce? When they were never XH’s friend, just knew him through me? After I told them all the gritty nasty hooker details, why still neutral? Hurts.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
11 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

Oh yeah, my ex “co-opted” my 2 remaining friends and told them so many lies. It wasn’t until he nearly killed me they realized what was up. I bought it though, “I am friends with both of you, I won’t take sides, I won’t repeat what either of you tells me”. Meanwhile my ex was telling them many lies while ensuring I didn’t tell them anything, cos you know it’s private. The worst was an old friend who barely knew my ex. When I called her after nearly a year to let her know he’d nearly shot me and I had a PO she actually said to me that if he called her she would never share our conversations…. I said, NO, if he calls you, please do not talk to him, she refused saying I couldn’t tell her who to be friends with and a whole bunch of rationalization about how she could be both our friends. WTF??>!!! I told her she could choose whatever, we are not friends any longer. I was choosing who I would be friends with, have fun.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yeah CL, she told me I was in her “secret circle of friends” when she called back to tell me I couldn’t “dictate” who she talked to. Then went on to say that she wasn’t there so she didn’t really know what happened, WTF? I’m in your circle of friends and you think I’m lying? about that? …I told her I wasn’t dictating anything, I was not interested in talking to her any longer, I was choosing for myself who I wanted in my life. The ridiculous part is that she hardly knew him and barely ever talked to him to begin with AND She actually said “you know I could have just talked to him and not told you” “but I’m honest with you”. Goodbye, you are NOT my friend. You know what? afterward I realized she was one of those very needy friends who never really gives anything to you but her drama and when you need the same, you don’t get it. We aren’t just chumps to our spouses, ya know?

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
11 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I hate the “I just want to say neutral” comments! Those are the worst. There’s nothing like watching all your former “friends” scatter after D-Day.

Jennifer
Jennifer
11 years ago
Reply to  nomar

My attorney says that in the world atlas of divorce, there is no Switzerland. My Ex’s parents wanted to stay neutral ~ to not pick sides. I think that hurt him more than me. They did tell him (once, and privately) that cheating was wrong: but they loved us both and wanted to stay on good terms with both parents so they could maintain access to the grandchildren.

The only time I pushed back when when I put the following quote on my FB page by Desmond Tutu. My Ex-MIL told me that she took offense to it:

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

Lea
Lea
11 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

Speaking of Switzerland my attorney here said “He seems very nice, let’s not anger him with requests. perhaps you should talk. My stbxh had an affairs and when I found out, he got angry and I ended up in hospital.
are you kidding Me? I was stunned.

kb
kb
11 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Luckily, in my case, STBX has been a social hermit. I used to see a lot of people, but since he was one of these guys who’d take me out to dinner once per week (and hasn’t in the past 4 years), we never see anyone and my circle of friends has diminished. I do have extended family, though. When I tell them that I’m divorcing STBX due to infidelity, I can guarantee that each of them, even my 90-year-old great aunt, will tell me that I’m better off. By the way, her daughter’s first husband was also unfaithful. Good thing that my great-aunt and uncle didn’t own guns.

At any rate, I doubt I’d have to worry about people wanting to stay neutral. I do expect other asinine comments, though.

Kay H
Kay H
11 years ago
Reply to  nomar

That’s exactly what one of my friends said to me! We’re friends with both of you and we just want to stay neutral. Well, I say we part ways now then because I don’t need friends like you. Cheating is cheating is cheating. Even if my dog did eat his hat.

Bud
Bud
11 years ago
Reply to  Kay H

What? Is this person running for office or something? Have an opinion…

Obviously the friend that Nomar mentioned is not an old friend but a friend from 20 yrs ago. Huge difference.

Tallula
Tallula
11 years ago

After telling my friend that my H was, in fact, banging a nurse at his grandma’s nursing home in addition to the OW and I was seeing a lawyer the next week, “I hope you have really prayed about this and thought it through…” Yeah, Jesus came down himself and said “GET THE FUCK OUT!!” are you fucking kidding me…

Most people have expressed outrage and shock. I’m pretty fabulous 🙂

Blue Eyes and Bruises
Blue Eyes and Bruises
11 years ago
Reply to  Tallula

What a crock.

Infidelity is like, the only Biblically sanctioned automatic, you are entitled to a divorce, you don’t have to choose to try to work through it mode.

Its even in the friggin instruction manual.

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

What the fuck kind of Bible is she reading?!

Kelly
Kelly
11 years ago
Reply to  Tallula

Hahahaha oh Tallula that’s hilarious!!

Tallula
Tallula
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I actually did. This was all in a text. I haven’t heard from her since. Maybe our Jesus’ are different…

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
11 years ago

Recently received dating advice from my father, who has been a constant philanderer throughout his 4 (yep, four!) marriages and is currently separated from Same-Age-As-Me-Wife #4:
“You’ve accomplished a lot and experienced things many people haven’t (i.e. living abroad, lots of travel)…You might want to dumb things down a bit – you know, just listen to what he does and don’t talk about yourself too much.”

(facepalm) Riiiight… thanks a LOT, Dad.

Hope49
Hope49
11 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

Wow! I’m sorry BarristerBelle. I can’t imagine not having my Dad in my corner when you’ve suffered a horrible injustice. Hopefully, your Mom is available and is supportive?

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

Dad advice – Mine (who has been happily married to my mom since 1969) after my D-day sat me down and seriously told me to consider becoming a lesbian because men stink. Love my dad! 😀

Tallula
Tallula
11 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

Can I get your dad’s number. I think I need some advice…

Lyn
Lyn
11 years ago

One of the dumbest things someone said after my husband of 31 years left was to watch TV so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. I remember thinking “This chick has NO CLUE.” But I just smiled sweetly and thanked her for her advice.

heisFUBAR
heisFUBAR
11 years ago

I ran into a mutual acquaintance in the grocery store who asked how he was. Apparently she did not know that we had divorced. When I told her we had she said “That’s too bad. He is such a nice guy.”

I had no response for her.

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
11 years ago
Reply to  heisFUBAR

Oh my God! I get the “nice guy” shit too. That’s the problem with narcissists. So sparkly and fun that everyone loves them and can’t imagine they’re the lunatic you are divorcing. My, my … how could you let a catch like that go?

Ruby Gained A Life
Ruby Gained A Life
7 months ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

I get the “nice guy” shit, too. Another narcissist, sparkly and fun, the life of the party.

“You only knew Dr. Jekyll.”

heisFUBAR
heisFUBAR
11 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

Yes. It such a defensive position. There must be someone so wrong with you to be divorcing him. He is just so perfect.

Cindy
Cindy
11 years ago

“It’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s just that he’s tired of being married.”
former mil to me in front of my kids, her grandchildren. 20 years married.

Really? I thought his affair with the married whore constituted an improvement in our relationship! seriously, you must be fucking kidding, right? nope, she wasn’t.
so glad to be away from those weird assed people. thank goodness my girls have my sense of swagger and style, and my moral compass! hope for humanity!

debdenchis
debdenchis
11 years ago

Person sitting next to me at high school basketball game:
“Your husband is the only ‘real man’ OW has ever dated”
me: “We’re still married and he is 12 years older than her”
her: “I don’t feel sorry for you, you are a grown up…but I do feel sorry for your kids”
me: “thanks”

Tallula
Tallula
11 years ago
Reply to  debdenchis

I don’t feel sorry for you, you are a grown up? What?

Kristina
Kristina
11 years ago

Haha. This was the one I get allllll the time:

“He cheated on YOU? But you’re so pretty!!”

Um, yeah. Like infidelity doesn’t happen to attractive people. LOL

The take the caker was my mother, who on her death bed was trying to convince me I should reconcile (!!) and she said: “But who will take care of you now?” Thing is, I was always the one taking care of myself, and her, and my ex. She didn’t stop to think that I was the major earner in our family and the one with ambition and he was a wolfpack of one who needed time and space for his art.

But now that I write that out, I don’t think that came from a bad place from her. I think that she did a lot of caretaking in her life (her mother, my father — both very ill and dependent on my mother) and I think she always wished she’d have someone swoop in and solve her problems and all she would have to do was what she wanted to do. I think that her dream was to have that kind of a life, and she was projecting that onto me in some weird way. As if I would like to be a SAHM and have nothing to do but cook, clean and shop. Thing is, that’s not my dream. So for her to project that onto me felt super intrusive (especially at that juncture in our relationship, when I’d set boundaries with her).

So yeah. I’ll just go with the: …but you’re so pretty… remark and leave it at that. LOL

JamesR
JamesR
11 years ago
Reply to  Kristina

I got variations of the “you’re so pretty” when my then wife (of 22 years) was cheating with a guy 15 years her elder (13 years older than me). It’s not that I’m so great looking, it’s that:

1) “He’s so OLD…….!”
2) “He’s so UGLY….!”
3) “He’s got no personality….!”

Then I’d get the look that said: “what did you do wrong for her to trade down”?

The insinuation was (is) always there. I almost felt like apologizing for it at first…..

Now I just laugh, and agree…

Tallula
Tallula
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

To TOTALLY flip it. My friend’s husband checked out the long term OW in my sitch on FB, who is less attractive than me and posts really, really stupid stuff on FB. He says to my friend “Oh, I get it. We always thought T was too good for him…he finally realized it and traded in for a more appropriate model.” Needless to say, I bake him weekly desserts and bacon.

Kristina
Kristina
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

You know, I never felt as if they were saying I deserved it or did something wrong. The people I told, when they said that stupidity about me being so pretty it was almost like they were saying: “holy shit, if it can happen to you, and you’re so pretty, then it can happen to me.” That’s the feel I got from it.

Of course none of it has to do with looks. It has to do with the person who chooses to cheat. So that’s what I always say. I don’t badmouth him, I don’t need to, his actions speak for themselves. But I just sort of say: “His choices were not about me, they were all about him.”

And that’s just the truth of it. So yeah, if I’m a poster child for “it can happen to anyone” then there it is. It absolutely can happen to anyone and there is nothing that a person can do to prevent it happening. If a person copes by cheating, he or she is going to cheat.

Tamara
Tamara
11 years ago
Reply to  Kristina

I think my favorite version of that was “wow, he cheated on YOU? I’d love to see what the other woman looked like.”

Thanks….. just thanks. Makes me feel so much better.

Jennifer
Jennifer
11 years ago

And let’s not forget the perennial “I don’t know *how* you do it” which I’ve learned (after trying to explain how I actually did it) means: “I’m glad this is happening to you and not me.”

“I don’t know *how* you do it” is usually followed up with “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” which I’ve also learned is code for “suck it up and get on with it already.”

****

I will add, in all fairness, that people get Divorce Fatigue. *I* had Divorce Fatigue! It is a drag. And truly, I did what I could so that my divorce wouldn’t be the Elijah invited to every social occasion ~ that empty chair at the table reserved for all the social awkwardness that comes from getting a divorce. I especially felt bad for the people who knew my husband was straying ~ but were caught in the social purgatory of not knowing if I knew, and not knowing what to say. When they realized I had known for along time that he had a girlfriend, I usually got tears and apologies ~ and I reminded them that *his* transgression didn’t transfer to them. It was just one more casualty of his bad behavior.

When possible, I used humor to discuss it ~ which can be very disarming and cut the stupid comments down. When asked why I got a divorce I say: “My Ex husband wanted to be a married guy with a girlfriend. Selfishly, I *didn’t* want to be married to a guy with a girldfriend, so I divorced him!” That ususally does the trick.

Michelle
Michelle
11 years ago

When I was at church and told a woman who was former co-worker of mine, that my husband (now ex) of 27 years left me for a co-worker:

“Well, he’s moved on, so should you.”

namedforvera
namedforvera
11 years ago

From one friend: “I think you’re over reacting.” …”I’ve been part of all three angles of the infidelity triangle, and I think you’re over reacting.”

shit you not.

namedforvera
namedforvera
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Well, you know a^ + b^ = chump and all that

anotherErica
anotherErica
11 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

wow. Clearly someone as empty as her would not understand how an actual human being responds to things.

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
11 years ago

My mom told me I’m not “mentally capable” of handling it on my own. Granted, she wanted me to leave immediately and file for divorce yesterday while I still needed time. She also told me he “wasn’t worth my tears.” All those things are true but super unhelpful and judgmental.

Blue Eyes and Bruises
Blue Eyes and Bruises
11 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

Can I have your mom?

I’ll trade you. 😉

My mom is all, “its in the past. Its a shame you can’t get along now.” yada yada yada.

Andy’s lifting passages from our divorce decree threatening to get me thrown in jail, and *I’m* the one refusing to get along?

Eve1274
Eve1274
11 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

My ex brother-in-law said I was a sad, sad woman and that I should learn to love what I didn’t like in our relationship. WTF!!!!
What I find so sad was I agreed to be legal guardian of his 2 children if anything should happen to him.
I just laugh now as they are being chumped by the ex and AP with all their lies.

KAI
KAI
11 years ago

My sister exactly two months after our separation: “You really should be over this by now.”

findingmyself
findingmyself
11 years ago

I worked up the courage to tell my running buddy and best friend, and she said, “Oh, that can’t be true! He would NEVER hurt you, this must be a misunderstanding.” And other friends and my family did kind of a variation of the same thing. They came around to the facts and have been great, but that initial reaction, those comments, really stung. The irony that the exact same sentence went through my head when I figured it out was not lost on me. I forgave them, but made a memo to myself, “If someone tells me their spouse has had or is having an affair, believe them. And respond accordingly.”

carol
carol
11 years ago
Reply to  findingmyself

I also got disbelief that he cheated. My ex is Mr. Zen. He’s a vegetarian and won’t wear leather. He can’t tolerate the thought of hurting an animal. He is quiet, kind, and helpful. He raised my children as if they were his own. The “story” of our marriage was that I was lucky. (Whatever. ) He would never hurt you, they said. When I told one of his friends that he admitted to the cheating both times, he said, “I still can’t see it. He probably admitted to it because you weren’t going to believe he didn’t cheat. ” I suppose that the insinuation was that I am crazy.

Tallula
Tallula
11 years ago
Reply to  findingmyself

Yeah, I think they are just so shocked. My family was pretty much stunned silent. My best friend “what did you say?” me “Alien fucktard has been cheating on me.” Best friend “string of curse words..kill him…that- string of better curse words…what the…. He lost his mind, now his family. You can do better than his dumb ass. Yep.” Now that is how you respond.

Rose
Rose
11 years ago

I kid you not: The cheater ex-husband’s mother said to me in the very early days after DDay: “Do you very best to put on a smile because when you smile, it can actually improve your mood throughout the day.” I told her I was not going to put on a fucking smile, as our family was hit by a nuclear bomb. I was not just having a bad day, I just learned that my marriage and the foundation I thought we had, we a fucking bunch of lies.

Rose
Rose
11 years ago
Reply to  Rose

*was

Moving on @51
Moving on @51
11 years ago
Reply to  Rose

Rose, one of my friends said something similar ” that I should always walk on the sunny side of life”! I thought, geesh I’ve just been hit by a Tsunami … Like to see you do it after such a devastating wave! I still remember that moment well, however I have forgiven as she was actually very supportive to me in other ways.

Rose
Rose
11 years ago
Reply to  Moving on @51

I am glad she is supportive MO.
Thankfully I have many family and friends that have been awesome. Have come such a long way since the early days. Almost toward feeling indifference. Some days, I take a few steps back, but definitely have moved forward in many ways. Long time process, but I am proud that I am getting there and piecing my life back together with dignity. Good luck to you, MO!!!!

Joyce
Joyce
11 years ago

Close neighbors, married couple. Husband: “We like you both, we are Switzerland”.
Wife: “I just saw him yesterday and he looks so HAPPEEEE!
Thank you very much.

Rose
Rose
11 years ago
Reply to  Joyce

Omg. Your response? “Great!!! So when one of you decides to cheat on the other, I will be sure to point out to one of you how happy the cheater spouse looks w their new AP. Let’s toast to that!”

annie
annie
11 years ago

Stupidest thing ever was not said to me but to my husband’s AP by a longtime friend of ours who is supposedly a psychologist (yep, she ‘friended’ the bitch) “Find what makes him happy” I know what makes him happy-fucking women he isn’t married to. I read this conversation in a forwarded email and when I confronted her she actually said she didn’t do anything wrong, she was acting in ‘everyone’s’ best interests. Most interesting-she was the OW who broke up her husband’s first marriage.

Toni
Toni
11 years ago

Every one I told (tell) was shocked too…except the couple of people that admitted they had seen him with ‘her’ (which one?). I repeatedly had to say I saw him myself, and that he admitted it, that he had been fucking around “since the beginning”. I didn’t really get mad at too many people, it was like a death, when people are shocked and don’t know what to say. Luckily for me most people don’t say much at all…because I am ashamed to admit I often tear up. Then I feel like a weak loser. One of our mutual “guy friends” that I knew before him did say that he didn’t picture him doing that, riding around and putting it in my face. Then he proceeded to say he was “wondering why” he had been “all over” one of the whores at another couples house, because he was usually “more discreet” than that. WTF??? All I could say was “discreet or not, it’s still wrong”. Friend says…”yea, you are right”…then hit on me. Having a bad day, just saw the X for the first time in weeks, and he looks really bad….he even started to wave at me with a pitiful hangdog look on his face……..I wish he would just GO AWAY!!!

MovingOn
MovingOn
11 years ago

Maybe this is why I have only told close friends and family the truth. I don’t want to hear this crap from people who have no friggin’ clue what they are talking about! It was bad enough when people did that to me as a young parent about my children, and I’ve also heard WAY too much about how I should handle my kids’ chronic health conditions from people who have no idea what the recent research shows.

Whatever happened to, “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” :S

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
11 years ago

“1. Your Misfortune Is Very Threatening to Me.
So let’s heartily avow that Bad Things could never, ever happen to them. Why did a bad thing happen to you? Well, because you brought it on yourself. And in that respect, we’re very, very different people.”

This is a bit of a derail, but honestly this excerpt is what perpetuates rape culture, this is what perpetuates domestic abuse and of course blaming the victim of a cheater. It really comes to how we cope with our fears. I won’t get raped or abused or cheated on because I am a good person who does the right thing. Even though I’ve known you for years, obviously there is something wrong with you that brought this upon you. You drank too much, you’re too judgemental about drinking, you wore hot clothes, you wore drab clothes, you were too nice, you weren’t nice enough, you didn’t take care of yourself, you acted like you deserved a spa every day, you acted too sexy, you didn’t act sexy enough, you didn’t give him enough space, you gave too much space, it goes on and on.

You did something WRONG. I know that because otherwise you would never have been raped, abused or cheated on or murdered or shit on. It had to be YOU.

Dara Stevens
Dara Stevens
11 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

The ultimate betrayal of the cheater is horrendous and it takes a lot of work to get through this crazy roller coaster ride. But, when your friends who know that your cheater flaunted their AP all over town, that you had to get a PO so he couldn’t hit you anymore, and you are fighting breast cancer. These so called “friends” have the nerve to tell you he really is “charming” and they proceed to continue doing business with the cheater (the business the 2 of you started from nothing). That compounds the huge betrayal you are already working through. The only way I have found to deal with this is to cut my losses and move on, alone, until I find people with the same moral compass as mine, but it’s so much better than dealing with people you realize you can’t trust anymore, and sadly, probably never could. A tough, but very important lesson to learn.

skatergirl
skatergirl
11 years ago

“well, the OW does have really big breasts, I mean, you know, after a few beers I wouldn’t turn her down”.

Geez, thanks pal.

Kara
Kara
11 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

…Was that supposed to make you feel better? O_o

nina
nina
11 years ago

From a mutual, likely wanting to stay neutral, friend upon hearing me tell her, what was then, my still painful news, “Oh my, what an oogely, googely mess!”. I kid you not. She then immediately proceeded to tell me all that’s wrong in her life. Deleted her phone number right after that call.

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

Got some of the insensitve stuff, even from a sibling and one of my sons.
But, I have to give my XWs parents credit. Both have told me, repeatedly, that she is a pathological liar and that I am much better off without her. They say some really brutal(true) things about her.

Stephanie
Stephanie
11 years ago

My best friends are not cowards who refuse to judge. My best friends know right from wrong and I respect them.

Some of these posts just made me SAD! Sad for my fellow chumps, who, by virtue of this place are hopefully gathering strength and knowledge that stupid shit that people say is just absurd. It’s good to KNOW right from wrong and to call it, and it’s good to have the strength to walk away from spineless morons who would feed you shit sandwiches.

Ugh!

Once at a fundraiser, at my very skinniest post-BD phase, a very sweet but reeeeally un-bright couple greeted me, “Oh! We just talked to Dick! It was really nice to see him!” I, of course, was standing as far away from Dick as I possibly could. “Oh, uhh,” I stammered, not wanting to sound bitter, or anything, just deflected, “…uh, we’re…not…married any more, we’re getting a divorce…” Mrs. Empty Head replied very sweetly, “Well, it was really nice to see him!” *sparkly smile!*

Incensed was I, but in truth, I hadn’t come right out with it, “Oh, Dick walked out on the family six months ago for a troll ex-fuck he found on Facebook. So….” In all fairness, they had no idea. Still, it put quite the damper on the evening. Thank God for sparkling wine.

Here’s what I don’t get–I DO have a friend who is SO bitter about her ex who walked out on the family ten years ago. She was an ENORMOUS help to me in the early days, giving me hope that I would go on, and that, yes, her ex was a fucking pig who created so much shit and pain. But then this friend will chat up MY ex at school events and say shit like, “He really does love your kids.” Makes me want to walk over to HER ex at the next event and socialize and laugh with him, then report back to my friend, “Oh, it’s SO nice that David came to see his son.”

This post is really great. Getting ready to see some of our old couple friends this summer, and I’m expecting to be blamed at some point during the visit for the demise of my marriage. I’ll be ready, thanks to the reality check of this community.

Thanks, everyone!!

Truth is, though, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. The ex is a fool who traded a pretty fucking awesome life for an alcoholic twat, and he knows it. And I know it.

Hurt1
Hurt1
11 years ago

From a co-worker: “Well, there’s your story, his story & the truth.” WTF!

From a male bachelor “friend:” “In a world where half of all marriages end in divorce after 27 years I guess you guys had a good go at it.” Jeez, I never thought of my marriage as a Broadway show.

Kelly
Kelly
11 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

“Never thought of my marriage as a Broadway show”

Oh, priceless!!!

M
M
11 years ago

I never acknowledged it publicly, which spared me these stupidities. However, I guess the OW counts as other people and she was absolutely charming. She took the trouble to text me that she was there for me if I needed somebody. I thought I had somehow ended up in twilight zone…. 10 minutes later she texted: Have you heard from cheater today? He was supposed to call and I’m worried. You know, this is really hard on him, stuck between two love stories. A long monologue followed about how miserable they both were.

What a fucking vain idiot…

Stephanie
Stephanie
11 years ago
Reply to  M

What a presumptuous, insensitive, self-centered whore.

Laurel
Laurel
11 years ago
Reply to  M

“Yes…I hear from him all the time; he just texted me that he’s going for a massage. ;] stress relief, ya know?”

JoJo
JoJo
11 years ago

At a party my friend said “We are all just so surprised he would leave because you ACTUALLY LIKE your husband. And we all wish ours would leave”….
WTF?

Suckerpunched
Suckerpunched
11 years ago

“Karma will catch up to them.” As if all I have to do to ease my pain and humiliation is to wait for the painful and humiliating bad thing that is destined to happen to them.

No. Sometimes, two assholes are just meant to be together. Especially when they both have a bad case of moral relativism disease. It’s a perfect match. Still, they have grossly mistaken my complete disgust for hatred.

Kara
Kara
11 years ago

Oh, this one from my fiance’s sister-in-law:

“Well, clearly there was some misunderstanding as to what the relationship actually was. She thought it was exclusive, she was wrong.”

This idiot woman said that when I wasn’t in the room. She knows absolutely NOTHING about my relationship with my ex. She doesn’t even know his name. For her information, no this was not a miscommunication where I mistook it for monogamy. No, he told me I was the only person he’d ever really loved. He told me I was the only one and he’d never do that.

He was a frikkin’ liar.

The reason she said that? My fiance mentioned in passing “The last guy Kara dated cheated on her.”

Apparently, to his sister-in-law, “Dating” never means exclusivity and I was just too stupid to get that.

After he told me that, I had to take a walk to avoid breaking her nose.

Kay H
Kay H
11 years ago

One of my child’s friend’s parents wants to do an intervention because he ‘hates to see a marriage fail’. Seriously, he thinks he can fix my marriage?! http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-divorce-intervention-what.html

SoOverHim
SoOverHim
11 years ago

“Oh, well. Bad boyfriend.”

He was my husband for nearly a decade.

Kay H
Kay H
11 years ago
Reply to  SoOverHim

Bad boyfriend. OMG, that’s ridiculous.

Kay H
Kay H
11 years ago

I recently made a comment on an article about infidelity on a news site. I said that my husband had cheated on me and how devastating it is for myself and potentially for my children. Someone actually had the nerve to tell me that there are two sides to every story. That’s just classic. Obviously someone who has never been a chump.

http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/two-sides-to-every-story.html

Casey
Casey
10 years ago

Just needed to vent…
I was told today from one of my co workers jokingly that just remember it is always about the kids. The coworker is divorced and remarried with one child from original marriage.
Like the kids were not my priority in the first place????. I certainly was not the one lying and cheating on them. And who do they think was always with the kids while XWH was out with mugshot?? I did make it about the kids from day one. The coworker does not know a whole lot about my personal life – just bits here and there but I did not like that they made it seem to me like I wasn’t puting my kids first. That is how I took it.
I just took it personal and I should not have. Grrr!

Rachel
Rachel
8 years ago

All my now ex-SIL could say was “divorce is always sad”. Really? Really? My ex leaves me for a one-time friend and breaks up my family and that’s all you can come up with. By the way, I never liked you, pretentious princess.

NurseMeh
NurseMeh
1 year ago

Friend
“I always wondered what you saw in him. I thought if you like him he must be a nice person!”

My brother
” Forget about him and move on and change your surname”

His best man
” We were shocked! thought you two were joined at the hip”

Friend
Most people have affairs and just stay in the marriage and tollerate it

Work Colleague
Maybe it (the marriage ) just ran its course. These days marriages are not forever like the old days!

Father in law
“Thats life”