Sunshine, Lollipops, Middle Fingers

If you’re a woman, you’ve probably had a stranger tell you to smile. I remember the first time it happened to me, I was 19 years old and walking to class at the London School of Economics. Lost in thought, probably thinking about Kant or something pretentiously liberal-arts-ish. A construction worker told me to smile. I was totally startled, and baffled more than offended. Was I looking particularly pissed off? OMG, am I walking around with a scowl and this kind stranger is doing me a favor pointing it out to me? These are the chumpy thoughts of a clueless 19-year-old.

Most recently the Smile Diktat happened to me at an HEB in Texas. I was standing in the checkout aisle and a toothless man told me to “show dem pretty teeth!” and smile. I was 49 and on to this shit. I just looked at him and gave the non sequitur, “Thanks, I’m good.” Turned my back and proceeded to deal with my groceries.

I was reminded of the Smile Diktat reading a thread criticizing this site that a chump sent me. Why would anyone recommend CL when it’s so negative? And the comments are full of bitter, angry, sad people? Why is it not more positive about reconciliation? Why is CL so full of vitriol? Is it for the riches of online advertising? And then it devolved, as infidelity discussions often do, into a discourse on how Sexless Marriage Is a Valid Reason for Cheating.

The whole thing made me wonder what the premise was. I’m sorry, was I doing infidelity WRONG? Have I failed to be more positive about the experience? (Answer: I’m keeping you all locked in “victimhood.”) Did I forget to smile?

If I screwed up something as simple as walking to school or buying groceries without the required amount of pleasantness, how could I possibly hope to be upbeat about cheating? What’s the answer here? Write a bestseller like, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” by Anne Bercht? Turn that frown upside down!

Why can’t people be upset and angry about being cheated on? It seems totally congruent to me. Spackling it as the Best Thing EVER since Disney World and vibrators seems utterly nuts… but hey, don’t listen to me, I’m bitter.

The whole thing makes me feel rather flinchy and defensive. Not unlike when I’m ordered to smile — HEY I SMILE A LOT, JUST NOT AT YOU, BUDDY. Similarly, I am full of the warmth of human kindness, dude. I ask people how they’re mighty! I encourage single parents! I tell people to believe in their own potential! Fuck YEAH I smile!

(Points off because I said “fuck” though.)

To the critics (who can suck it):

1.) Anger is a stage, it’s fuel to get away. Chumps have a hard time with anger. We’re more prone to love all the hurt away at our own peril. It’s okay to be angry. It’s a natural response to being transgressed upon.

2.) No one is promoting “victimhood” here. You know who promotes victimhood? Sad sausage cheaters. People who blame their “sexless marriages” for their cheating. Jerks who can’t own their choices and have to blame chumps. We’re all about the MIGHTY here at CN and losing the losers.

3.) I’m sorry changing the narrative is upsetting to you. You should smile more.

So, CN, your Friday challenge is to fill the comments with sunshine, lollipops, and middle fingers. Or whatever your angry, bitter little hearts desire. It’s all clicks to me, and I’m just going to go roll around like Scrooge McDuck in my dollar piles now.

TGIF!

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horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
5 years ago

I have nothing. More than a fuck yeah. Sick of living an authentic life that included 30 years of genuine and intense love. But enormous, mostly one-sided, sacrifice. So fuck off with your fake smiles, bitches! Namaste. ????

Arnold
Arnold
5 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

BTW, men get asked to smle, too.

kiwichump
kiwichump
5 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

Thank you horsercumin, fellow Kiwi from the land where smiling is obligatory. Fuck Yeah.
And thank you Tracy and CN for the Fuck thread.
I am very happy at the moment, almost at meh. My cheater-free life is going great now, but it didn’t always. But no one is going to dictate whether I smile or get angry, I have my reasons to do either and that’s my choice. I smile when I think of how my life is shaping up now, but I get angry when I see how the Traitor and the Whore have got away with their bullshit and I do what I can to remedy this by speaking the truth.

Phoenix
Phoenix
5 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

Ha!

Out West
Out West
5 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

My smile is every morning as I sit in my luxurious bed drinking coffee, listening to the birds chirp. I read CL. at 6:30 precisely I wake my DS up with a hug and head rub. To be met with a hug and mumbled ‘I love you’.

My f you is every 1st day of the month is when I check my bank account and know that my x thinks I ‘robbed’ him ????

My lollipop is a life lived with peace of mind and my fledgling business as a divorce mentor. My joy in seeing clients move from feeling paralyzed and less than to feeling strong, valued and capable. And yes, I constantly refer clients to CL.

CricketsCrickets
CricketsCrickets
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

Out West, your comment put a huge smile on my face! I love the luxury of your descriptions. Such a simple post. And you’re so enjoying and noticing some of the amazing things in your life.

I wasn’t feeling terrible upbeat this morning and I’m now noticing the soft sound of raindrops falling, the warmth of the cat on my lap and the warm cup of coffee at my side. At this very moment, I can smile. I can enjoy the good things. Right here. Right now.

Thanks Out West!

Phoenix
Phoenix
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

Absolutely.
Peace and self care and rebuilding

Arnold
Arnold
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

That is good. But, try being on the payer side, after you have been fucked over. It sucks. I bet a lot of the betrayed guys here, who, foolishly relied on their wives abiding by their vows are paying up the Whazzooo. Same with the house and the access to the kids.
For some antiquated reason, the courts have not figured out that working one’s ass off outside the home plays just as much a role in being a “primary caregiver” as staying home to watch kids. And, this applies whether it is the woman or the man that is the primary breadwinner.
I had to teach my XW how to change diapers, and I did all the cooking and most of the cleaning in addition to working outside the home. My Y chromosome, however, made me the secondary caregiver, I guess.

Lucky
Lucky
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Arnold – none of it is fair in the end.

I helped out my x through 7 years of education – we sold everything and livecd meekly ( he gave up a very lucrative career to do this ).

In the end he had a new career, in a new city with a long term girlfriend.

Not only did I receive no $$ ( half of nothing is nothing ), but I had no rights the house we had moved to ( rectory ), belonged to the church.

I am not bitter (ok – yeah – some days ),but I came into the marriage with money and I did contribute.

At BD I was homeless, had no access to any money and was quite screwed. Thank God no one told me to smile????

Arnold – I agree with you – None of it is fair!!!

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

What a sweet life you have Out West 🙂

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

????????????????????????????????????????????

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
5 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

The day my father died (on Father’s Day actually) I got on a plane to fly home. My wasband and kids flew in other seats as we could not sit together.

Some asshole FROM TEXAS where we then lived, had told me to smile as I walked to the gate. And I fucking did smile, wanly. But it annoyed the shit out of me.

So when I got into my window seat, a second man sat next to me and (I swear, two men in 10 minutes) asked me “why the long face?”

I told him my father had died that morning, that’s why. And he said “sorry to hear that” and stfu the rest of the flight. It’s not like the SOB wanted to comfort me. I was young and pretty and he wanted to flirt.

But oops, I was in grief.

I must admit taking pleasure in telling him why I had “a long face”, which is weird but true. I recall thinking my dad would have said “Yeah asshole, I died. Is that a good enough reason for her LONG face???”

I have seen people who looked sad or were actually crying, in public. I have on occasion quietly asked them if they were okay. I wanted to help, not dictate.

There’s a difference.

OneofFour
OneofFour
5 years ago

My sister and I were flying on Mother’s Day because we’d learned my father was close to death. A nice stranger asked my sister if she was a mother and she burst into tears. The man was so sweet to us that I still remember it over 20 years later. I truly believe the world is filled with more kind people than idiots 🙂

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago

People who choose to get into your world deserve to get a few answers that are raw and truthful. If they ASK why you are sad then they can fucking be decent when they get a “dead father” or “sister in a coma” answers. I work with bereaved parents who often struggle with “how many kids do you have?” questions…well…if you ask a stranger in Target how many kids they have (is that really your business?) then be fucking prepared for “2 alive and 2 dead” or whatever. I get so sick of this sort of thing where people are asked personal questions then people dont like the answer.

Tessie
Tessie
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yeah, I have gotten that through the years. I simply say one is son is with me, one isn’t. I don’t hide my story, but I don’t advertise either. My business is my own.

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

I second the fuck yeah as my anger is triggered and I am not gonna smile. I too, laughed off the smile comment many times in life annoyed underneath. Who are these random strangers that think they can control my emotional output! Maybe my dog died last night, maybe my fuckwit just left, maybe I just had the best day of my life, it is mine to emote or not!

And second, fuckwit said point blank after d day: “You are acting like a victim” and chumpy me denied it. Well, wtf, I am a victim of years of abuse so duh, I am acting like one. How can you heal if you don’t own it.

So yeah, nobody likes a sourpuss but denying reality and setting of chasing rainbows and unicorns is not an answer. It is like prescribing a diet of cake and potato chips to someone struggling with obesity.

To such cheery chumps that write Tracy, maybe they can befriend my mil (she has no friends) and tell her to smile while they are at it.

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

To those who demand smiles, a quick and aggressive “scowl!”

Two Awesome Sons; One Amazing Daughtet
Two Awesome Sons; One Amazing Daughtet
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I would love to know at which point in our culture “victim” became a bad word? Did Oprah have something to do with this?

There is no shame in being a victim; only in being a *victimizer*.

Tessie
Tessie
5 years ago

I also don’t characterize myself as a victim. I am a survivor. I was a victim until I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started to build myself and my remaining son, a new, improved life.

Since there are lessons in everything comes our way in life, I had to ask myself what was the lesson here. What do I have to learn so I don’t have to go through this again somewhere down the line. I don’t know if I have learned everything I am meant to learn but I did learn enough to send all the personality disordered people in my life packing.

It’s a good beginning.

QueenMother (can I be Madame BadAss now?)
QueenMother (can I be Madame BadAss now?)
5 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

How, Tessie? How did you send all the personality disordered people in your life packing? Say they are in your faith community? One or two is on all the administrative boards? Popular, charismatic — much like our husband were to us — manipulative and deceitful — how do you send them packing?

Tessie
Tessie
5 years ago

Queen, it takes a while. I started to watch other’s actions. In my faith community, there were a bunch that believed cheater ex’s lies about me and snubbed me to my face. Suddenly they wanted to be friends once cheater ex outed himself and stood revealed as the POS he was. Of course they also wanted to be in on all the drama. I left that community when the pastor made his affair public a short time later. Churches seem to be catnip to narcs.

Friends, were a different story. It took a while to evaluate them. I had to learn healthy relationships are balanced. There is an equalish amount of give and take. Sometimes there’s a bit more on one side or the other, but it should balance out. I had to be brutally honest with myself on how much I was giving and what I was getting back…..ie: stop spackling.

Chump lady points out that healthy people want to give back, and she is right. I was raised by two narcissistic people. I was trained from an early age to give and give, expecting nothing in return, thus becoming the perfect bait to selfish takers. It felt wrong to allow others to give to me because I was shamed for having any needs at all. I had to figure out that I was a valuable person, someone who had a right to be treated well, and that I had a right to be treated well. If it became clear that there wasn’t parity, or that I was being used, I would talk to them about it. If they refused to own it and change the behavior, I was done. Healthy people take responsibility for their missteps and try to make things right. Unhealthy people pull out the narc tricks….gaslighting, lying, DARVO, smearing, etc.

I wish I could say that this is not an ongoing battle, that I have my shit totally together. Nope, although I have gotten much better at spotting and avoiding the disordered. It takes time to dismantle old ingrained patterns in ourselves. A good ideal is progress, not perfection, and to be gentle with ourselves when we screw up. Eventually we get there. My narcdar is pretty much on point these days. I just give them a wide berth.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

(((((Dear Tessie)))))
You are the heart and soul of CN.
Whenever I see your name, immediately I think of love, grace, and all things good!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

You are so wise and mighty and a testament of strength. So much love to you always, Tessie!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago

You walk away. You. Walk. Away. Get a new church. Find a new job. Get off the board. Find a place to serve and grow and flourish that is safe and positive. Stop automatically pleasing people and caring about what others think. It’s all part of building a new life and creating a new landscape.

You can grey rock those you’re stuck with, but your psychological safety and emotional comfort level in the relationship come first. I say this because I had to choose to not engage some members of my own family. Enforce the strictest of boundaries wherever necessary.

Life is too short to invest time and energy in narcissists or disordered people (and then suffer pain and loss). I will no longer do that! And my life was full of them. Recognizing them and steering clear of them is my new superpower.

You decide you ARE Madame Badass and take no prisoners. You do not ask for permission. Let that mightiness manifest itself in your life choices. Realize you are amazing and deserve joy and peace.

Arnold
Arnold
5 years ago

Exactly. For some strange reason, particularly with infidelity, it is something to be ashamed of: being a victim. Try criticizing a victim of childhood sexual abuse or a rape victim or someone who was a battered spouse, that they are “playing victim”. You would get your ass handed to you by folks coming to their defense.
But, act normally, traumatized, gaslit ,etc , from the effects of this kind of abuse and you are not a real victim, just a pretender.
Seems pretty obvious to me why this is: the folks that are critical have not been on the receiving end of this. Try explaining to them that you have lost some access to your kids, that your finances were badly affected, your job performance affected, you live in a shithole now while your XW enjoys the use if the house with her AP and you get blank stares: ” Well, Erica on ” All My Children” seemed fine after a week of episodes and had moved on to another romance. And, nothing like this happened in ” Bridges of Madison County” or ” Eat, Pray Love”. And, Esther Perel says it is just a person searching for herself.
Why does it bother you? I mean you are 55 and have such great prospects now, just like Erica, right?

jedknight
jedknight
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Hi, I am sorry, something similar happened to my father, his whole life destroyed by my mother, who never thought about anyone but herself. She dumped him. As she got old, and had grandkids, and I did not put up with her BS…she realized that she had nothing left, but her piles of money. My dad remarried, a miserable witch of a stepmother, but he was on the rebound. Well, my mother died, her piles of money paid for a lot of good things, including therapy for her kids; good schools for her grandkids, and for that I am grateful. My dad died, Evil Stepmother lost their home, her half-things (their kids) and I don’t talk, but I don’t have anything against them, actually feel sorry for them, for being born into that mess. Bottom line, I believe in Karma, don’t worry, it will come back and bite, but it likes to work under-cover and you will not see it, and that is OK, just believe, Karma will come back and do awful things to evil people, more than chumps like my Dad could ever do to another human being. But I have dated people like my Mom, cold, shallow, and heartless, been left broken-hearted like my Dad, and it took therapy to see why it kept happening, again and again. Won’t happen again. CL is right, don’t waste another day on cardboard food like them, true love nourishes, and is out there, maybe not in romance, but there are many ways to love others

dandoopy
dandoopy
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Same thing happened to me, except i’m the wife of 17 years. My ex really screwed me over. I’m a victim of love and also a survivor.

I take full responsibility for believing in a liar. I instinctively knew what he was from the start, but chose to listen to HIS LIES instead of my own intuition.

We learn from out mistakes.

Bea
Bea
5 years ago
Reply to  dandoopy

I could have written word for word what you said. Our problem is we never could have imagined how twisted and sick some people can be, and so we would spackle and project our thoughts onto them. Now we know. But it’s just too late for me. A lesson that cost me many lives …

OneofFour
OneofFour
5 years ago

I work survivors of domestic violence and human trafficking. I much prefer the term “survivors” over “victim”. CL is and CN is filled with survivors. A survivor may start out as a victim (a somewhat passive term). Once they grab their power and fight back, they become a survivor, and can go on to gaining a life!
Thank you CL and CN. TGIF and hugs to all you survivors.

Geode
Geode
5 years ago

????

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
5 years ago

And, there is a difference between being victimized (which we were and which is finite) and being an eternal victim (and having a permanent learned helplessness mindset).

Yes, I got shot in the street and that was terrible. I was victimized. But I testified against that fucker and now I spend my time in therapy trying to put the trauma behind me while helping others who’ve been shot. I’m no victim.

The infidelity narrative is illogical and damaging. Tracy is one of the only voices of reason out there. But she’s started a fire in others, and the message is spreading. Thank God for CL!

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
5 years ago

I hope it’s not inappropriate to plug another book, but “Forgive for Good” by Luskin is a great companion piece to “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” His message is very similar to Tracy’s, and is meant to help with a broader array of Life’s shit sandwiches. Stop dwelling on the bad thing(s) that happened to you (don’t let it define you), stop dwelling on the terrible person that did them (making them central), stop hinging your recovery on a “true” apology (that won’t come), stop hoping to understand why it happened, stop wondering what you did to “deserve” this awful thing.

Rewrite your story from the position of victim to one of a survivor. “I devoted my life to my husband and kids and he threw me out like a piece of garbage” vs “I discovered my husband had no character and built a new life for myself from the ashes.”

Talk about your strength and what you’ve overcome. Recognize thoughts and situations that trigger a pain spiral and redirect your thoughts towards things that bring you joy, peace, and strength. It was really helpful.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
5 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

I like the message but I think that newly chumped cannot just stop with the negative. It has to be done a bit at a time. People kept telling me to stop and it was not helpful. I had to gradually re-frame by feeling the pain and working hard with a therapist. But being where I am now is so good. Letting go of the negative is wonderful.

jedknight
jedknight
5 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

that is beautiful, love your distilled message, thanks!

lemonbirch
lemonbirch
5 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

Who needs the book? 2nd Gen your distillation is powerful and illuminating. Nothing more needed.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

Tracy wants us to accept that we are victims so that we will save ourselves and not be victims anymore. The RIC doesn’t want us to acknowledge that we are victims so that we will continue to allow ourselves to be victimized (for the children). Just smile and wave, nothing to see here.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

In perhaps my 8760th day of incessant harsh criticism by cheater, he said to me
“You have a siege mentality”.

(for newbies, please not that one cheater tactic is to act in a way that any normal person would have a certain reaction THEN they criticize you for your reaction)

at first I denied it, then I corrected myself “I act like Im under siege because I am”

golly, he might have liked it if I smiled more

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

Yes it was 34 years of goodness and fuck him because it’s going to be many many more years of greatness #don’tneedthatleech

Keri
Keri
5 years ago
Reply to  Langele

6 years here. (and 9 years a chump before the last). You all with many years give me hope. I needed this ‘negative’ blog to survive. Reconciliation was a joke, and if i didn’t stumble on this place, I would not have found a backbone, made boundaries, and stood up for myself (with email only/no contact).

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  Keri

Yeah Keri, survival indeed makes me smile!!!

SeeyaPeterPan
SeeyaPeterPan
5 years ago

Here’s my middle finger for the day:

Single mom here to several very little ones. Estranged husband lives with girlfriend and their kid. Just woke up to my garbage scattered through my yard thanks to the neighborhood black bear. Pretty much sums up my life right now. Clean up after everyone and everything and someone comes along and messes shit up again.
I strap the lid down. I use ammonia. Doesn’t matter. Bear comes around to screw things up. But I must push forward no matter what.

Phoenix
Phoenix
5 years ago
Reply to  SeeyaPeterPan

I’m thinking of you.
I’m sorry it’s so tough.
Keep coming back to CN.

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  SeeyaPeterPan

My 2 cents worth !

Find the hottest chilli you can get hold of. – https://pepperhead.com/top-10-worlds-hottest-peppers/
Slice ‘n dice, (please wear latex gloves) then mix in with food scraps.
Leave out for nuisance bear to find and devour.

The bear will be too afraid to have a poo in the woods

Chumpzilla
Chumpzilla
5 years ago
Reply to  Blee

While I sympathize with the issue, feeding things to an animal that could cause it harm seems cruel and unnecessary.

Now, if we’re feeding cheaters Carolina reaper peppers, that I can get behind…

Free Vix
Free Vix
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumpzilla

Bears are FAR more likely to be harmed from becoming habituated to human food sources. Chile powder is better than the alternative for a problem bear. Using aversion and hazing techniques (like the chile powder or shooting with rubber bullets), as well as securing potential human food sources (like trash) are the best ways to protect bears.

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumpzilla

@Chumpzilla @SeeYaPeterPan was complaining about the neighbourhood black bear going thru her rubbish cans and scattering stuff all over her yard. My solution was hot chilli’s to make the bear think twice.

Feeding Carolina Reaper Chilli’s to a cheater and his / her whore is down right evil !

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
5 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Yes. Yes, it is.

But it’s a nice thought.

Free Vix
Free Vix
5 years ago
Reply to  Blee

I tried this with coyotes when a commercial cooking oil dumpster was spilled in a park and the coyotes decided to gnaw on the oily sticks and dirt. The chile powder did nothing to deter the critters. But then again, they *were* New Mexican coyotes…

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago
Reply to  SeeyaPeterPan

That bear is your totem, your spirit animal.

What is more fierce than a mama bear? It’s there to remind you… a sign.

Can you put your trash can in a shed/ garage and lock it up until pick up day?

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

We’ve got grizzlies out and about. Such a nuisance.

Twitching
Twitching
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

YES.

Sharon
Sharon
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL, you are a fucking Grizzly!

Gone
Gone
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yes she is!!

Iowachump
Iowachump
5 years ago

My trial was earlier this week (yay!), & a lot of my STBXH’s lawyer’s questions for my mom & bro were about how angry I was about the affair. I wish I could’ve responded with something like, “she took a turd off my hands….in a really shitty way. She can keep him. He’s no prize!!!!”
Do I dwell on my anger , no. He and the AP are shitheads. I’ve got better things to focus on.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

Your anger after the affair…just re-read that. Let’s focus on the affair.

Kills me how courts just sweep that shit under the rug in most states.

Sunrise
Sunrise
5 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

The entire system sweeps it under the rug. Last year, a mediator we’ve never met before started out by wanting both of us to share equally the shitty state of our relationship. While ex-asshat readily agreed I said “No, I won’t accept that. First you don’t know any of the particulars of this relationship. And second, I didn’t break my marriage vows, I didn’t sue myself to terminate child support after 1 payment two weeks after the divorce was final and sue three more times since then. ALL OF WHICH WE’RE DISMISSED BY THE JUDGE. So there’s the reason our relationship is the way it is.” And I pointed (with the polite finger) across the table.
Fuck lawyers, judges, mediators, therapists, Switzerland friends and family, authors, media, “well meaning” neighbors, random strangers and anyone else who doesn’t know the real situation yet feels the license to tell me what I should be doing-yet doesn’t lift a finger to help me do it.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

Exactly!!!
Unless someone’s been through it for themselves, or know the whole story, they can eat a diiick

Wormfee2017
Wormfee2017
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

“I know you’re still bitter”…..Those words came out of the mouth of a little asshole. His wife just found out he’s a cheater too. Not only did they betray both of us, but we put the pieces of the puzzle together and found out they’ve been trading whores like baseball cards…..but, to quote the Worm I’m the “disgusting pig” because I just can’t “get over it”.
She’s starting the process, I’m about to sign my divorce papers.
Hell yeah I’m happy he cheated on me now. I’ve left crazy town and found my joy again!
They’re angry and sad about the divorce proceedings but our bitterness about being betrayed everywhich way from Sunday is unjustified?
Here’s my middle FU finger;
I hope they both get everything they deserve.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Wormfee2017

You’re a “disgusting pig” because you called him out on his shit. That’s all it is.

These people are foul.

In short? Do it again. And keep calling these people out on their shit.

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago
Reply to  Wormfee2017

Your comment reminds me of how recently fuckwit accused me of hurting the children because of my need for revenge. I totally see it as projection (I did not respond as I am no contact) but I do keep mulling it over in my head that he has continually refused to take any blame and has denied responsibility for anything related to his infidelity so I keep wondering why he would think I was out for revenge when he has done nothing wrong.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

It is just more manipulation. My ex tried this with me, too. He knew that I would put what is best for my kids first, so he would send text messages implying that my choice of not letting him in the house was hurting his relationship with the kids and is that really what is best for them?

They know where to get to us. Stay no contact and don’t you dare let those comments get under your skin.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

They reach for the exact things they know will stir us up.
Love your kids? You’re accused of hurting them. Love your parents? They’re accused of being meddlesome, stupid or controlling.
My X could teach as master class of attack by proxy. His epic insults of people I love was intended to hurt me deeply (which it did). It’s incredibly cruel and manipulative. It also served to distract from his noxious behavior.

KB22
KB22
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

His lawyers were questioning your anger due to the affair? Not the best strategy in my opinion but who cares as they are cheater’s attorneys not yours.

Iowachump
Iowachump
5 years ago
Reply to  KB22

I don’t understand the reasoning behind asking about any anger. I never interfered or seeked any revenge against those 2…I kicked him out, filed, and never looked back.
I don’t think his attorney is very good. She didn’t have much to work with either. He got caught lying about finances several times and basically abandoned the kids .

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

I don’t want to pry, but I’m really curious. If this is too personal, please tell me so. Why were you on trial?

Iowachump
Iowachump
5 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Soldiering On,
We each made settlement offers. I didn’t accept his, nor did he accept mine. So we went to court for a judge to decide our issues. Money, visitation, etc

7CsKeepMoving
7CsKeepMoving
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

Me too on going to trial! I never met anyone else whose narc pushed a divorce to trial. My stbxh cancelled our dissolution agreement in 2016, filed FALSE domestic violence charges against me to gain more custody of kids (even though he was refusing drug testing) and never came back with a settlement in 2017, and we had trial in 2018. He has been unemployed for last five years, “investing” in companies that produce no return or income, and donating money as a trustee on museum boards. He’s an entitled Narc with family history of addiction, mental health and character flaws of being an abusive asshole. He is the ultimate SHIT SANDWICH. His secret OW (on/off again since 2014/15) is still hanging around. When he told me about the affair in 2015, I too kicked him out and never looked back. It was a relief to have him, his hidden drugs, his guns, his bi-polar mood swings, and his crazy life out of the house (I tried the compassionate, please go get help and go back to rehab, dance for 2 years straight.) do not waste time ever on doing this “rehab/mental institution dance.” It does not work with a narc/cluster b/ahole.

His two attorneys (yes- he pays two attorneys because he is a millionaire trust fund baby but delays court ordered support payments) hammered me on trial on About credit expenses that included a new mattress in Sept 2015???? I calmly answered during the cross examination “oh, X was very open about his longtime affair and once I realized he and OW were using our house/bedroom while I was driving all three kids 12 hours to a summer camp the month before, I thought it was a good time to start over and freshen up my new bedroom.” It was a stupid question to ask me about a mattress purchase (they were claiming I spend too much money). We spent 6/7 days in trial listening to X lie about finances. Truth came out about his constant cashflow and statement “I will never have to work again” and now I am still waiting for Judge to rule on support, assets, etc.

One of many gold nuggets from trial: My lawyer confided in me is that one of Xs own opposing counsel doesn’t like my X and think he is a loser with no work ethic. He’s the one who highlighted the mattress purchase that set up my lawyer to ask me why I bought a new bed. My narc X is being played by his own attorneys! So tragic and waste of money that should be going to the children.

I can’t wait to get as far away from crazy as possible (no more unraveling the skein of f*upness). I continue to teach my kids coping skills to use during parenting time with their disordered parent using the 7Cs for kids raised by an alcoholic parent.

My mighty is keeping my kids first, never missing their sporting events, cooking family sit down dinners several times a week, working 20-30 flex hours/week as a consultant to make extra money, and when my kids ask me why their dad didn’t come to their games- I acknowledge their disappointment and move on.

I believe in God, I believe in kharma and I believe in CL/CN and I truly believe all OWs love shit sandwiches. I’m so happy without the turd.

Best quote for strength: Winston Churchill- “When you are going through hell, keep on going.”

I’m not yet to the other side because of financial dependency (rebuilding after sahm for 15 years- married 19) but grateful to have reached meh over the turd in 2015.

Keep me posted on your outcome from trial @IowaChump! The whole process was meant to degrade and devalue us- we are mighty! Keep on going!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

Thanks. I’m sorry to be nosy, but I had visions of Dumping Iced Tea Episodes with charges of Assault and Battery.

Glad to hear it wasn’t for something horrible. I hope the decision came out well for you.

Hope49
Hope49
5 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

As an attorney I am guessing that Iowachump’s ex’s attorney is just trying to do what she can to mitigate her ex’s horrible position.

Tactic #1: Ask her about her anger. Evaluate her response, if she becomes defensive and loses her cool, maybe I can deflect scrutiny on ex-husband’s crappy, selfish behavior….mmm…hopefully chumped wife becomes flustered, angry and defensive and will make a lousy petitioner in the eyes of the judge.

Tactic #2: Need to depose her to see how well she holds up under pressure. Mmmm…she doesn’t get angry or defensive and can handle tough questioning well. Hmm….perhaps we should settle this case and not even THINK about going to trial.

Depositions allow attorneys to observe and think about witness credibility etc. That is what was going on.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

It’s a classic “If I make her lose her shit, she looks bad in front of the judge therefore she’ll get less in the settlement” tactic.

Typical narc-baiting. They are all the fucking same.

Iowachump
Iowachump
5 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Hope49,

Thank you for the explanation! I assumed asking me about my anger was a tactic to try and make me look bad. I was completely calm. When my STBXH was cross examined (for an hour), he became angry and hostile 3 mins in. His sister was a witness for him, and she was equally bad.

AllaLie
AllaLie
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

Oh my, and you’re not “allowed” to be angry over an affair? What kind of questions was that. Hell yes you’re angry over it. Who wouldn’t be.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  AllaLie

That’s just it. I think most rational people would understand that an affair is a good reason to be angry. It is the RIC and others who want to change the narrative to “one shouldn’t be angry over an affair”. It makes no logical sense to most people, but the more “enlightened” will believe it. I generally believe in liberal values, but not when it means screwing other people over for personal gain.

Iowachump
Iowachump
5 years ago
Reply to  AllaLie

I know, right?!!!

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

Yes, they should be focusing on your amazing composure in such a traumatic situation.

Look, they are both still breathing, able to walk, not maimed ….

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“Look, they are both still breathing, able to walk, not maimed”

I want to scream this at people when I show any negative reaction to the cheating, abandonment, divorce, etc. Why are we expected to behave “appropriately” to an inappropriate situation?

AllaLie
AllaLie
5 years ago
Reply to  AllaLie

*question

Valerie
Valerie
5 years ago

You know how on Fakebook, if you write “Congratulations” on someone’s post, balloons and confetti are released? Well I am going to congratulate my dear friend ANGER and send her balloons and confetti. Because I was so fucking angry on DDay, which I NEVER experienced before (I swallowed it). People would say to me all the time “You’re so sweet. Don’t you ever get mad?” Well in my FOO, my alcoholic father had anger for all of us. Anger was so very scary to this chump. But on DDAY I screamed at ex so much, I realized I was actually jumping off the floor. I screamed at him “If there was a knife here right now I’d stab you with it.” It carried me over so I could contact an attorney, file for divorce, contact a realtor, pack my shit and move on out of there, never looking back on a 22 year relationship.

The anger dissipated, of course, and really was only ever directed at ex. After it served it’s purpose, all was calm again. But the anger was the best thing I could have experienced because it helped me realize my worth and get me out of an untenable situation.

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

Agreed

WiseOwl
WiseOwl
5 years ago

My D-day was several years ago and I remember telling my husband’s sister about a month later on why the marriage had broken down. She said, If I would go to church and insist on my husband go to church with me, all would be well. ?? I was speechless on top of a month of being speechless. My mother and grandmother both told me to stay with the cheater because it would be hard financially to be alone.

My best friend told me to listen to why my husband cheated and try to work it out for the kids. Maybe I had not tried hard enough to understand him. WTF? (Turns out SHE was cheating on her own husband at the time)

This was my help? I had finally decided to reach out for help and advice and this is what I got?

I’m wayyyy past MEH but I will never forget the “help” and “good advice” ???????????? I received back then.

I had to change so much and sweep so many people out of my life but it was worth it. It took a long time but I finally got back to the me that existed before I became an appliance. So many things came back. I am a creative person who had done nothing creative for years. I just conformed. Finding myself and my creativity again was worth it.

I have a resting bitch face. Always have. I’m content now with myself and it’s freeing not to give a rat’s-ass what anyone thinks. I now value my worth.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
5 years ago
Reply to  WiseOwl

@WiseOwl :

>>>I have a resting bitch face. Always have. I’m content now with myself and it’s freeing not to give a rat’s-ass what anyone thinks. I now value my worth.<<<<<
Same here!!!!

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
5 years ago
Reply to  WiseOwl

Please don’t use the phrase “resting bitch face”. It is just another derogatory word used to for women!! They never say “resting asshole face’ about men do they? No, it is there is only a derogatory term for women. Makes me so irritated! I am also irritated by the ‘smile!’ comment. Now I just reply ‘then do something funny’ which, of course, makes me a bitch. UGH!!

Sunny
Sunny
5 years ago

You know what bitch stands for?
Boys
I’m
Taking
Charge
Here

😀

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

Thank you for the info Sunny,
I have a t shirt that simply says” b i t c h ”
I bought if for myself.

Out West
Out West
5 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I have one that says “DIVORCE ME”

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

Or “Babe In Total Control of Herself” !

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
5 years ago

That’s good too!
????

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

That’s great, I’ll take it!! 🙂

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

???? Can’t wait to tell my adult daughter that one. We lovingly refer to her as head bitch ( she owns her title with pride).

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
5 years ago
Reply to  WiseOwl

WiseOwl, your experience is precisely why I started blogging. The advice for Christians out there is usually naive or downright destructive for faithful spouses.

JamLady
JamLady
5 years ago
Reply to  WiseOwl

“… before I became an appliance.”

LOL!! Love that, and know that feeling all too well!!

Soldier on, mighty one!! ????

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  WiseOwl

WiseOwl,
YOU are a WISE OWL!

“a resting bitch face”
my first Friday smile, thank you Wise Owl.
I really like you!

Gone
Gone
5 years ago
Reply to  WiseOwl

My husband came to church with me every week. People don’t understand this until the live it.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  Gone

Yes, he was president of the congregation and sat boldly right up in front every Sunday with his family after spending Saturday screwing the latest AP. (He told us he had to work.)

He served Communion, in God’s house. No guilt. No shame. He’d still be cheating today if he hadn’t been caught. He said he had no problem with it because he repented every Sunday and was fully forgiven.

I said fuck you. Fuck. You.

Unexpectedchumpiness
Unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago

“I said fuck you. Fuck. You.”

Yes!

Lania
Lania
5 years ago

Just remember, these people get their just desserts for lying to their God in the end.

When they reach the pearly gates (or equivalent), their God will look at them and say “Did you seriously think I wasn’t aware of everything you did?” And there’s no excuse in that case which will work!

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  Gone

Church doesn’t guarantee faithful even though I also like church!????

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
5 years ago
Reply to  Gone

Gone, you would think churches would be burning down all over the place!
My cheater was actively studying to be a Methodist Pastor, teaching other would be Pastors and delivering sermons about how he had “kicked the Devil’s ass out of his life” while messing around with multiple nurses he worked with. To top it off, turns out that during his private Bible Studies with our Pastor, the sessions were less about studying the word of God and more about bull sessions where he gloated and bragged about his escapades with his ho-workers so our Pastor could get his jollies and live vicariously through him. They did also manage to fit in time to discuss my “mental instability” and “control freak tendencies.” Yeah, I was a control freak for wanting my husband to keep his dick in his pants around other women.
Well, thank God for the invention of DVR’s and the rare co-worker who considers work day sexcapades to be sexual harassment and has the decency to file a complaint.
On a happy note, there are now 2 less lying, slimeball, false Pastors in the world.
Jesus cheaters REALLY SUCK!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
5 years ago

I’m actually impressed the Methodist denomination actually took action to remove the “Sexcapades Pastors” from ministry (CL, there’s a cartoon idea for you!). That is more than some professional groups do with flagrant cheaters–including marriage therapists who are cheaters.

Lucky
Lucky
5 years ago

My x is a Minister and so is Schmoopie.

I saw a lot of shenanigans in the world of church.

I read once “ just because you stand in a garage it doesn’t make you a car”.

Lots of pretend Christians out there – I no longer have the time to figure who is real and who the nut bars are.

lemonbirch
lemonbirch
5 years ago

Totally agree. My Methodist church took a documented pedophile out of our congregation, put him on leave for a year, and then placed him in another congregation one state over. While flat-out lying to SPR.

Sunrise
Sunrise
5 years ago

And “Family values” politicians.

Sunrise
Sunrise
5 years ago

Fuck yeah! Now I Know. Two less slimeball pastors – good job!

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
5 years ago

My problem is that I have always smiled too much. My coworkers actually said that they thought that I had the PERFECT life. Yes, have always been good at hiding my feelings and instead focusing on the positive. I am now angry at what I allowed for 35 years. Angry at myself for not thinking that I deserved better. Now, I know that he sucks. Still trying to figure out my future!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
5 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Yes, either way you’re going to get the emotion control freaks who try to tell you what to do, what not to do, what to feel, think, how to act, etc.

I too got the flip side of the smile comment. You smile too much! What’s so funny? What are YOU laughing about?
All because I was wearing a pleasant expression. Probably because downer ex had fed me more crap about being so “negative.” Whether you’re genuinely happy to be alive or just putting on a brave face, someone, somewhere is going to try to tell you you’re in the wrong. Assholes, all of them. As far as I’m concerned, they should all move next door to, and in with, our exes. They should have to correct, undermine, and interfere with each other all day.

Loving life
Loving life
5 years ago

My Sunshine is that I ended a 30-year relationship with a habitual cheater, moved on, and have a blessed life with a faithful spouse. My lollipop is that I’m debt-free, except for a car loan, and actually have a savings account. Nothing that was ever possible with the cheater who needed money to finance his second life. My middle finger goes to those who dis the site and Chump Lady! I don’t believe the non approving, dont-be-bitter folks have gone through hell because of an unfaithful partner. This site and CN is the dose of reality needed to close the door on an abusive situation. You can’t do that by keeping a stiff upper lip and pretending life is good and the cheater will change. Have a great day CN!

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  Loving life

LL – your story is my story. I’m so much happier and despite having only half the income we had before I have savings and travel for pleasure AND I’m on schedule to pay off the 17 year mortgage I took out to buy him out of the house in 8 years. Him on the other hand …… HA, bloody HA!

Oddot
Oddot
5 years ago
Reply to  Loving life

I’ve definitely noticed that anyone who doesn’t like Chump Lady is usually either a cheater, or someone who hasn’t been cheated on. I don’t believe either of those two get to weigh in and tell **me** about the pain and how I should react…. they can eff right off and stick to what they know.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Oddot

Or someone who is otherwise a disordered fuck who doesn’t believe in other people’s personal boundaries and can’t handle being called out on their bullshit.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago
Reply to  Oddot

Or someone deep in denial and still smoking the hopium.

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  Loving life

Love it, agreed

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

This used to happen to me ALL THE TIME. I didn’t realize it happened to others. As I think about it I do see that it is something pretty exclusively reserved for women. WHY?

I was constantly told, “smile!” by one particular asshole I worked with in my first professional job. It made me think I was wrong, I was outwardly unhappy looking, I was less-than. Why did he do this? Did he just lack any sort of creativity in basic greetings skills? Did he think he was being shiny and cute? Every time he did it I felt self-conscious and worried that I was somehow walking around scowling. Do I walk around scowling? This is something I think about still.

I recently relayed my tale on a financial forum where I was trying to adjust to my new financial state and was looking for advice. I said I was abandoned after 3 decades of marriage and received an e-mail FU from my X who ran off to Europe to be with his 25YO AP. I now have 55% of the NW I used to and need to re-set my financial future. Tips please?

First reply, from a guy:

“Well, at least you are not bitter! :D”

Yes, sarcasm. With the tongue-sticking-out emoji. WTAF.

I guess I didn’t include a happy smile in my posting to suit him. Barf.

I have HAD IT with people telling me I am doing it wrong. That I am grieving wrong. That I should forgive. That I need to do this or that thing to “get over it for your own sake.” That my face is WRONG.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Now I.C – are you familiar with “the male gaze”? It’s the idea that women aren’t rational, thinking, feeling humans with agency and desires of their own. Women are ornaments. “Why would a woman pierce herself so many times, or get so many tattoos, or wear bold makeup, or let herself get fat, or wear sloppy clothes, or color her hair green? Doesn’t she know MEN don’t find that attractive?” As if our be-all and end-all is to please the male gaze. Our only value is in being thin, attractive, sexy. The idea that a young pretty woman may have a life, with troubles or goals in it that might distract her from being attractive and sexually available, is foreign to some men. So they remind her. “Smile! Your only purpose in life is to be pleasant.” It’s a message so internalized that even well-meaning women do it, too. “Smile! Your emotional bra-strap is showing.”

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

Oh, yeah. That is right. The idea that women aren’t rational, thinking, feeling humans with agency and desires of there own: You just described how my X fuckwit thought of me. On the day when he performed his brutal abandonment with the e-mail after 28 years married, I said, “He doesn’t even see me as a real person.” Bingo.

I did LOL at the emotional bra-strap thing…..that is funny. Smiling now for real, thanks!

Arnold
Arnold
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Yes, and many women think that men are only to be valued based on money,power or status. And, of course ,there is the ludicrous idea that men are less emotionally evolved and more superficial. This, despite the myriad poets, artists,philosophers, authors,psychologists etc. who are male.
Hypergamy is as strong in females as valuing youth and beauty is in males.
As one guy told me, if women are interested in finding a sensitive, caring,nice guy,why do they never check out the prospects down at the Salvation Army?

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Angry for you on that one! I guess the only thing to do is see it as a red flag and stay away but damn it is maddening!

DebbieChump
DebbieChump
5 years ago

The xcunt had his first affair 6 weeks BEFORE we were due to get married (Yes Yes I KNOW !!! What was I thinking I STILL married the twat !) For the next 7 years I suffered from depression, marriage policing, feelings of inadequacy, in between normal everyday life. Since DD2 (there is always a 2, 3, 4 – its never a one off is it ?) and I packed his shit – yes I was devastated Yes I was sad – and then I got anger, thank you anger – thank you for making me strong, thank you for making me say NO NO NO when he came back around. Thank you for making me believe that I am NOBODIES second best – especially not his. I’m not depressed anymore that disappeared with him. Now I smile for me, now I laugh at him – I dread to think of the hell I could be locked into if I had taken him back and the mental state that I would have been in. If my happiness and lack of forgiveness and my now boundaries make me a bitter bunny – well then I’m a PROUD BITTER BUNNY – who is loving life

WaitingInTheShadows
WaitingInTheShadows
5 years ago

OMG that’s an actual real book — apparently “ground-breaking” and a “must-read” — hmm maybe not

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
5 years ago

My anger caused me to do a bit of criminal damage. It’s not clever or funny, but it’s like all these feelings just overwhelmed me!!

I just kept thinking about that left-eye documentary and then someone told me “it’s ok to be angry” and I thought about it over and over and I got AAAANGRRYY!!!

And I told the kids some truth and I filed and I stopped begging and I went to the gym everyday and I shouted back at the abusive POS

and it was great… yaaaaaaay

twiceachump
twiceachump
5 years ago

I can be dying inside and remain calm as a cucumber with a smile on my face. That’s probably due to some FOO issues on my part with a narc, alcoholic dad growing up until my mom booted his ass after 25 years and a looooong history of cheating with anything that moved.

I didn’t recognize the narc I was married to as he hid it better I guess, or maybe because he wasn’t an alcoholic. He’s a physician, book smart, has the emotional intelligence of a nail. He used to ask me to ‘do that thing you do, where you look at other people’s point of view’ when he had a problem with someone at work. I didn’t realize he lacked empathy and just couldn’t do that himself.

As he was telling his sad sausage woes to young schmoopie (icloud is a bitch if you don’t know it’s synced to other devices), I was lining up my ducks. My calm, cool smile turned out to be a shit-eating grin as I filed for divorce and got the house, everything in it but his clothes (which I gathered and put out for him), my car, some of his 401K and ‘liberal’ visitation for the kids. Oh and 100% of our pets.

I went stealth mode and internalized that anger to propel me to get er’ done. That fucker never knew what hit him.

Unexpectedchumpiness
Unexpectedchumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Twiceachump, I need you to mentor me!!! ????

twiceachump
twiceachump
5 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

I should mention my username is twiceachump because he did ditch me when the kids were little for a howorker (twice divorced history of cheating on her husbands POS). I had been down this road before and knew how it would play out. At first he’d play ‘nice’ while he was chasing a ho. As time drags out (which is what the RIC tells you to do), he would get meaner and more demanding the further away from his control I got. I realized this time I had a short window to get what I wanted and told my attorney so. She would send me emails she sent to his attorney looking like she was being friendly and cordial–“let’s get this one wrapped up before I go on vacation”.

I knew I was done this time and I would never go back to that life with a serial cheating fuckwit. Now my smiles are genuine, happy to live my own life, no controlling and can never make him happy asshole to bring me down.

New chumps, they don’t change! Whatever mechanism they have in them to cheat is there and will rear it’s ugly head at will. And you will start to see the cheating is just another form of their entitlement and self centeredness. If only I had divorced that asshat years ago before spending 20 years of my life with him. At least I’m out now. The kids and I are genuinely happier AND SMILING without his constant criticism and miserableness around us. Young teenagebarbieschmoopie can have him!!

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

twiceachump,
I have said it before, not in these exact words but: I love your strength, your fortitude, and how you preach it to new Chumps!
You are one hell of a strong SHOUT OUT to new Chumps.
You rock sweet Lady!
YOU are Mighty!
Your kids are lucky to have you, then there are also all those new Chumps!
Say it like how it should be, not how it is!
Onward and upward!
❤️

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
5 years ago

Oh, Chump Lady! Just when I think I couldn’t love you more, you come up with “the Smile Diktat”! (and the best possible response!).

Fellow Chumps, it’s coming on the 10-year mark of the first D-Day for me (the second and final about 10 months after that), and though I have long been a resident of Mehville I’ve been finding pleasure in looking back, on both the bad (how I spackled!) and mighty. Life is so much better when you lose the cheater!

And that is my rainbow for the day!

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago

Speaking about middle fingers only on my post..
When I had cheating soon to be X in basement (after I threw him out of my bedroom) I was crushed, crying I said to him “some day your going to want me back”

He looked at me with cold black eyes. . And gave me
his middle finger! I’ll never forget that ????

Wasn’t ready to smile then. ????

Gone
Gone
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Where does that idiot live?

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago
Reply to  Gone

Gone
He lived with owhore for two years .. she died few months ago., 5 weeks after she died he found another woman (victim) & now lives with her.

He can’t be alone. 35 years married & nothing to show for it except illness & terrible memories.

But I’m trying to get to meh ????

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen, you’re Mighty!

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

Chumpiest
Thank you friend!!!

So are you ❤️

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
5 years ago

My abusive ex who I have a protective order against keeps emailing pushing to talk to his son. “Because all boys need that bond with their father”. Um no they don’t. Especially when they are abusive alcoholic pieces of shit.

Oh but he is going to do right by his son. He is sober now. Bla bla bla. Same old bull I have heard from this man for seven years.

So here’s my middle figure to you asswipe! You want a relationship? Get a lawyer and take me to court!!!!

Happy Friday!

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  PrisonChump

Would also like to add that asswipe has been in jail for 4 out of the 5 years of my son’s existence! And the one year he was around to play “father” was a nightmare.

So no, he’s just a sperm donor!!!

Sunrise
Sunrise
5 years ago
Reply to  PrisonChump

Hang in there Prisonchump. A loving involved mother is all your son needs. I taught my son how to dribble a basketball, pitch baseballs, whittle sticks, bake a cake, grill a steak, pitch a tent, paint a room, arrange flowers, replace a socket, use a post hole digger, target shoot, iron a shirt, drive a car, golf, to name a few. His cousin taught him how to shave and tie a tie.

In the beginning I worried that me doing the “dad stuff” would dimish his father and make my son sad his dad wasn’t involved (though he spent every other weekend with him). Then I stopped caring about ex and really started enjoying teaching and doing with my son. He’s thriving in college now.

You’re mighty PC, the responsible parent your son really needs.

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

Thanks Sunrise!

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago

Imagining Chimp Lady at the HEB in her Annie Oakley costume roping dirty old men like they were scared rodeo calves.

But I know how she feels about Texas, so am going to imagine her having a lovely spa day instead.

Friday’s are usually a light blog day for you (you deserve a light day), but you really knocked it out of the park on this one, Chump Lady

Thank you

Refuses to be stupid
Refuses to be stupid
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

The HEB story reminds of a time at Wal-Mart. Standing in line to pay some idiot asked me to pay for his sunglasses. I retorted why don’t we call my husband and ask him. The cashier heard the exchange and she burst out laughing

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

^^^ Like! ^^^

Chris W
Chris W
5 years ago

The textbook DEFINITION of victimhood is staying with a Cheater after infidelity. Cheaters will get WORSE in their behaviour of you + THEY GET BETTER AT CHEATING FOR THE NEXT TIME!! Plus, the Chump will be a twitching, unsettled mess until the Cheater is finally gone.

Keep up the good work, CL! Making people uncomfortable means what you’re doing is working – it’s changing the narrative.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
5 years ago
Reply to  Chris W

YYYAAAASS!!! ????????????????????????

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
5 years ago

My middle finger is for Gweynth Paltrow and her “conscious uncoupling” BS she brought to popular culture. Outside of my closest friends circle (who share my righteous anger), I receive so much advice re: parenting with this fuckwit (go to dinner with him and the kids, attend family gatherings at his parents place, don’t share your awareness with the kids [despite his narc-y rages] about his true personality). I feel like all these people have been infected with Gweynth’s feel-good approach to the breakdown of her family unit. Perhaps if Chris Martin was a serial cheater (and who knows – maybe he or even she is), regularly blame shifted and then threw things at her head in the midst of an argument, that whole lexicon would have never been introduced to our culture. I’m so tired of having to explain my new normal – that I need to go low-contact, re-establish boundaries (which he never can respect) and not plast a happy face on as a means to avoid any further invective (because he will do it no matter how much cowtowing I do). So screw this GOOP-y culture we now have where poor characters only stick with something if if makes them “feel good”.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

Being told to put up with cheaters’ behaviour has been around longer than that – it was created by all of those fuckwit cheaters who don’t want to be held accountable and don’t want consequences for acting like a piece of shit.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

Love this. I’m not going to “feel good” about my now ex taking a giant dump on our entire life together. I’m going to rage, rage against the “feel good” narrative!

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

And this came up in my FB feed right after I was done commenting – give me some Tracee over Gweynth any day!

https://www.ted.com/talks/tracee_ellis_ross_a_woman_s_fury_holds_lifetimes_of_wisdom

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

Great Ted talk! Love her!

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

Amen , if you can use the term conscious uncoupling with a straight face, I have no need for you in my life. Fuckwit’s flakey therapist said it with a straight face in my one session with her. I was dumbfounded. That was the moment I knew the session was futile and I ended it 10 minutes early- totally out of character for me.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Good for you Feelingit,
Have you noticed, you are doing it like it should be, not like it is.
In other words you are miles ahead of them, going in the right direction, every minute of every day.
Keep the faith, keep the fight!
Stay strong!
Truth is on your side!

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

You don’t have to explain anything to anyone

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

This.

My response would be “you have no idea what you are talking about.”

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

Yes! Couldn’t agree more!

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago

I have fantasies all the time of subtly giving fuckwit the middle finger if I have to see him in court or somewhere. I won’t do it and I am sure no good would come of it but I can dream.

Prison Chump
Prison Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Like casually scratching your cheek with it, or pushing your glasses up with it, in his direction! Ha ha, I love It! You should do it!!!

whatthehey
whatthehey
5 years ago
Reply to  Prison Chump

I never said Mother -ucker so much as that year, both to him and under my breath.
I am not a person that swears. I was so mad.
Got me out to enjoy a cheater free life though!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago

My dad was one where when I was growing up, always criticized me for being angry and “why couldn’t I just wake up happy?”

He would sing, “There she is, Miss America,” in the morning. I hated it.

Thing is, my dad is a good person, has always had my back and because of that, I took back my maiden name after 30 years of being Mrs. Fuckwit 1 and Mrs. Fuckwit 2. I hyphenated the last two names, Mrs. Fuckwit1-Fuckwit2 for 11 years, because he’s the only man in my life to really care about me.

Anyway, there is a real avoidance of showing anger or really any emotion deemed as negative. We are obsessed with “being happy” because we see happiness as equalling success…. and if we ain’t happy… we’re failing. Even well meaning people think that there is something wrong with anger, grief, disappointment, sadness… and that while it’s understandable for all those to be felt in certain circumstances, we must not “dwell” essentially because that makes them uncomfortable… and that’s the opposite of THEM being happy, Debbie Downers.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Yeah, because in their disordered minds its still all about them. You being angry or otherwise negative spoils THEIR party (again, “it’s all about me and my needs”)

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Thank you, Sunflower, your last paragraph is spot on. I’ll use it in my work with suicidal teens. Big hugs.

Thebestme
Thebestme
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

My father use to wake us up at 6:00am singing “The most beautiful girl in the world”. I feel your pain.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
5 years ago
Reply to  Thebestme

Ugh, the Predatory Opportunist Parasite always said ‘Good Morning, Sunshine!’ to me. I HATED IT because I knew he had said to every single other woman he’d been with–and there had been a lot of them because his entire life he’s been a predatory opportunist parasite living off of women (2 of whom were wives–I wasn’t, thank God).

Sunny
Sunny
5 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

This is how I got my nickname. My narcissist mother would always traipse into my room at the crack of dawn and snap open the roller shades and warble good morning sunshine! I absolutely hated it then and I absolutely hate it now. Over the years, my friends made jokes about her behavior and it eventually degraded into the nickname I have now. Which is actually appropriate, because I’m generally a very positive person. But I acquired it the hard way.

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago

So meh I don’t even care about what the critics say!

Maybe you get to meh on a Tuesday and super meh on a Friday.

I won’t even expend the energy on the middle finger when half an eye roll will do

Thankful
Thankful
5 years ago

weeks after D’day the minister of my church heard me tell his wife my marriage was over. I will never forget being taken to task in the corridor of the hospital where my youngest childs was battling the onset of cancer. Being accused of breaking my marriage vows because I was wanting to end it. Because to them reconciliation was the only option in their mind, everything else was a sin. But what woke me to this realisation was being asked by him, “once they had restored him and I had to take him back, how would I save face if I had already told everyone the marriage was over?” Had to take him back? save face? WTF? he cheated on me with men for 8 years. the final straw was when I asked the minister during this exchange “When can I say my marriage is over?” without missing a beat his response was “When I tell you”. My hasband having sex with men was seen as a triviol thing they could restore him of, compared to my dispare and desire for divorce. I was the ultimate sinner allowing my anger to make the decisions.

Well middle finger to them because they still have my cheating ex in their midst with the addition of a new victim and two step children and I am free. I will graduate in July with a degree at 46, Can’t find a job currently but do not care, currently enjoying volunteering learning how to work in a recording studio, not even relevent to my degree. and just enjoying life. I am free of all the mind fuckery, exhausting bullshit that came with being married to a closeted covert narc cheater. And they will get to relive the experince eventually with the new victim. ~~!~

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

When my ex husband beat the living snot out of me, I went for counsel to my pastor and his wife was talking to me in the sanctuary about how hard marriage was and blah blah blah… after she said that marriage was hard I could only hear myself inside my head screaming at her “Are you fucking CRAZY???”

I was on the verge of shouting it at her, right there in the sanctuary in front of God and Jesus and all the angels, when all the kids from youth group suddenly burst through the doors and into the sanctuary.

I swear that God Himself spared me from saying “fuck” in His House…..

Gone
Gone
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I have Never heard my 34 year old daughter cuss in her entire life. Apparently she called the church that we left and called the pastors fucking assholes. They still let the idiot who dated her for months (drive the church bus), the one who tried to get her in the sack- the night before he drove all teens to camp because you know he’s so spiritual and he married the single mom( daughters ex friend) that he hooked up with in camp. We think the guy tried to drug her one night, the guy that stalks teens on the bus but you know….. he’s okay now because he got married and is still in church. She knows she dodged a bullet.

They don’t get it!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago
Reply to  Gone

I love her.

Thankful
Thankful
5 years ago

since d’day I am no longer the sad angry person that I was married to the cheater.

Has anyone else experinced?

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
5 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Oh my gosh, YES. I am a MUCH happier person. I’m still not at meh yet, but wow – my life is so much better. I’m lighter inside and don’t feel like I’m carrying this massive burden around inside me anymore. It is wonderful!

RealMonkeyLove
RealMonkeyLove
5 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Yes, over 2 years since I left shithead and I’m back to my naturally upbeat and friendly self. Not being around a twat who endlessly criticises and belittles you just grinds the joy out of life.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago

Fuck that shit. I’ll snarl as much as I damn well want to.

That’s one of the many joys of being single!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

1) The first thing I think when a person suggests that anger about cheating isn’t appropriate is “that person is a cheater.” There’s no reason for the person to be defensive for all cheaters unless the person has something to defend.

2) The thing about suggesting that another person should appear a certain way to become more pleasing to you is clear and unacceptable objectification. My body is on this Earth for me to pilot around as I see fit. It is not an ornament laid out for anyone’s approval. I have another name for my “resting bitch face”. I call it “my face” and it’s not on the front of my head to appear the way other people want it to. You want me to smile, asshole? Do something worthwhile to earn it or shut your piehole.

3) CL, I love you so hard.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Either “that person is a cheater” or “that person has the same mindset as a cheater but hasn’t had the opportunity to do so yet, and is a fuckwit in other aspects of their life”, personally.

Great to see that there’s others who think that too!

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago

Yeah, last week I had to go back to sleeping pills. I was told by a dear and trusted friend that I was “consumed with bitterness”.

Back story. Shortly after I abandoned untangling the skein of fuckedupness (9-10 months ago) I realised that STBX would certainly repartner within a year of D-Day. I just didn’t ever imagine that it would be with a close friend who knew of his years of cruelty and abuse even before D-Day came – in a super-traumatic way.

You see there was no AP involved in his cheating. In a late night phone call (just over a year ago), after day one of a 3 day “become your authentic self” cult I mean course, he told me that he’d been going to hookers (in his lunch hour) and gay saunas (when he had longer than a lunch hour) for almost the last half of our 22 year marriage. Often. And a lot of porn. I was utterly blindsided. (Was later informed “he had no choice”: 3 years after our daughter died he “had no connection with me”, so rather than end the marriage and break up the family he did the honourable thing, kept the family together by “asking less if the marriage” and went elsewhere for “validation”).

He rang our 19 yo son (eldest of 3 boys) the next morning to tell him same. Also told son that his revelations would “make the marriage stronger. Mum and I will get through this and we’ll be better than ever”. I think STBX had been ODing on Esther Perel for a while before he got the guts to honesty-vomit. (Finished the course, in a city 1 1/2 hours away, where he stayed at my poor clueless parents’ house, wasn’t home until 3 days after the call. Then the dog died …)

After I kicked him out he moved straight in with a single Mum “friend with benefits” (because why should he be lonely?? Plus, he got to read our kids’ fave bedtime stories to sweet fatherless twin 4 yo boys, who weren’t sad and angry like his own sons, and think he’s Mr Wonderful). But apparently she and he had already agreed years ago that they weren’t going to have “a relationship”. (Ah, yes, when we still married. I know I said there was no AP but she is small change in this story).

He wasn’t too worried. Turns out she was but a placeholder with lots of lovely kibbles while he drip-fed the Kool Aid to my dear trusted girlfriend, whose husband died three years ago. We spent a LOT of time together in the first few months after the phone call. I 100% confided in her, ugly cried, everything. Completely vulnerable. She lives around the corner and is close to many other dear trusted friends. Strangely, she started being distant ..

I might add that another of my former close friends has completely discarded me and taken her broken moral compass to play with STBX in Fucked Up Corner. They’re running/walking/triathlon buddies. But now I can’t go to my book club, just can’t bear to be around her. She and her husband are the highly evolved “non-judgmental” kind of people. STBX told her about the cheating two months before telling me, and recently confided in her about his magical passionate romance, which has been on for few months now. She told book club.

Thankfully one of the quality women there had the foresight to realise the news would be better coming from her, where I could lose my shit in safety, rather than from one of the star-crossed lovers. Ugly cried/lost my mind all over her kitchen.

Anyway, that’s how we get to yet another close trusted friend ringing me a few days ago after hearing about the relationship. Listening to me being a mess down the phone she informs me that I’m consumed. CONSUMED!!! With bitterness. And I better not start demanding that she cuts ties with Poor Grieving Widow Kibble Queen. (Which I wouldn’t. I don’t make demands. I’m classier than that!)

I read others saying their loser ex ended up with a stupid skanky ho and has no friends. This multiple betrayal shit is completely doing my head in.

Chris W.
Chris W.
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Yes, discard ALL of these assholes. Start over with new friends. You’re feeding kibbles to The Cheater, too, as these “friends” are telling him how upset you are and are crying in their homes. Cheaters get off on that shit. Go no contact with ALL of them, so you’re not feeding the Cheater.

Liz C.
Liz C.
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

I was surprised at how many of our “couple” friends were “sympathetic” to me, but not enough to stop being friends with my ex and OW-turned-Wife. It hurts. I feel your pain. Either they can’t fathom the pain and selfishness of infidelity, or they don’t care. In both cases, they are not your real friends. There are better and more worthy people in this world to spend time with.

Cut those shallow idiots out. You don’t need people like that in your life. There are people with empathetic hearts in this world who will make better friends.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  Liz C.

Yes Liz you are so so right. Just re-read the chapter in CL’s book, Friends who want to be Switzerland. Good to remember that if they’re not judging cheater – they’re judging YOU.

If you have to explain why it’s not admirable/honourable/ok to lie to your family – actually the world in general – for over ten years, why a life lived with selfishness and greed as guiding principles isn’t exactly what we teach our children … even if you manage to “help” them understand, the fact that they didn’t to start with means NEVER trust them again!!

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

That’s so hurtful when people you thought you could trust become flying monkeys. Not just a shit sandwich but a whole tray of them. That sucks

What are you going to do? Can you move and get a fresh start somewhere else? Sounds like the water is poisoned for you there

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

Nono I have to admit I’ve been thinking about it. But the school has been so great for the younger two (11 and 13) and they would be devastated to have to leave the home they’ve grown up in, after all the other awful changes.

I think there are enough decent ppl round here to stay. Have realised that the people he never paid any attention to, or simply refused to be friends with, are the ones with solid values. The circle we mixed in as a couple – with those he would wanted to impress – a lot of them are values-poor artifices exactly like him.

Plus, leaving would mean he’d won. Fuck that. Not giving him the satisfaction.

kiwichump
kiwichump
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

(((MamaMeh))) so sorry you’ve be let down by your friends and your circle. You’re a devoted mum to prioritize your kids’ schooling and stability. You are not consumed with bitterness. You’re mighty.

Thankful
Thankful
5 years ago

Cheater told me when I said to him our marriage was over, that he did not want a divorce and that if I did it was on me.
Me: “but you cheated, what were you expecting would happen”
cheater “we both brought issues to the marriage, so if you want to divorce that is on you”
yep right from the begining I got the your being angry in our marriage is equal to my fucking men.
BECAUSE ALL SIN IS EQUAL
no acknowledgment that most of my anger came for knowing in my gut I was being used and lied to while he with held affection and repeatedly made me feel like I was loosing my mind.

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Ex: you’re abusive too!

Because smashing a bottle on someone’s head as you’re being knocked around and strangled is abuse…..

Not self-defense……

BOTTOM LINE. THEY SUCK AND WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. Abuse comes in many forms!!!

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  PrisonChump

“Yeah, and if you don’t get the fuck out of my house right this second, I’ll show you what abuse really looks like!”

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago
Reply to  PrisonChump

And then to NOT CARE what they think of us for being angry!!!

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

My daily middle-finger-up is reserved for the girlfriend of a former/retired colleague, herself a chump 40 years ago (let’s call her Ms. Bossy Boots), who (without EVER having met me) gave me the following advice:

1-The best thing you can do for your children is be friends with their father. Um, no, my children would have had me committed & had LESS respect for me had I befriended Hannibal Lecher after news of his at-least-8 years of lies & serial cheating surfaced.

2-Knowing many of my friends came from CN, she extolled the virtues of finding new friends with whom “I shared more than the sad vagaries of life.”

Did she just go there–malign my fabulous friendships just because our initial on-line introductions were based on having suffered infidelity?

I did send a tactful, but very pointed response to the woman to which she responded with a hasty apology & “difference between intent and consequence.”

So, sunshine for all my CN friends, and a middle finger up to Ms. Bossy Boots for denigrating a community near & dear to me.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Memo to Ms. Bossy Boots:

#1. The best way a father can show his love for his children, is to love, and be faithful to, his wife, their mother.

Amen

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I got your intent and consequence, right here, Ms. Bossy-Boots. Suck my big toe while you’re at it.

I’ve been told by people/friends/acquaintances that I post “too much narcissist abuse shit” or (gasp!) ChumpLady posts on my Facebook page. I tell them to suck it too and unfriend me or ignore my posts if they want, but call me when it happens to them. I’ll point them in the right direction.
I have bragged, boasted, and praised ChumpLady and the mighty ChumpNation over the last few years, and I won’t ever stop.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, if you ever feel comfortable doing so, would you consider posting (either here or in the forums) a copy of your response? Along with trying to fix my picker, I am also trying to learn how to politely but firmly tell people to back the fuck off and seeing the kind of note you described writing would no doubt be a great example for me. Thx.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

If it helps, the strategies I try to use when confronting someone are to (a) say something positive along with the confrontational message, and (b) to assume the person didn’t mean to offend or to do something wrong. I noticed from watching people I admired that they could confront someone while allowing the person being chastised to person to retain their dignity.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

I’d be happy to.

For context, my former colleague had given the woman two guest columns I had written for CL, one advocating that chumps jot down all the horrible things our cheaters did so that we could remind ourselves of the emotional abuse whenever we started to feel sentimental about our marriages, or to lose that “trust that they suck” knowledge. Ms. Bossy Boot’s letter was considerably more preachy and treacly than my synopsis above might indicate, including gems like, “Wallow in the possibilities not the pain,” and “Reward yourself by surrounding yourself with affirmation and hope. Reject negativity and regret, or ultimately that is all you will have. I send this message with real affection for you.”

This was my response:

Dear Ms. Bossy Boots:
I am sure you sent your recommendations with the best of intentions. I am also sure that G [former colleague] has told you I am an optimistic, happy, and compassionate person. I am most definitely snarky and sarcastic, but not negative. You obviously interpreted those columns wrongly, and I now regret sending them.

I have moved on with my life admirably (IMHO), and the anger is dissipating, but I do not ever intend to forgive an unrepentant, serial cheating ex-husband who continues to blame me for the reasons for his deception and betrayal (in this, I have support from research, moral philosophers, and even a man named Divorce Minister, who claims that the Bible does not support forgiving people who have not repented). Since I am less than a year from divorce and nowhere near finished with the grieving process (as I’m sure you know from your own experiences), your message was well-intentioned, but hasty. Mostly it felt like an invalidation of my pain. I know you did not intend it this way, but I did not need another blow this week.

I do thank you for trying to help me, but this was not the right message.

Best wishes,
Tempest

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Difference between intent and consequence? What does that even mean?

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
5 years ago

Im guessing that intent she means there was no intent to cause hurt feelings or anger, and therefore there shouldn’t b

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
5 years ago

Be consequences like hard feelings.
I’m guessing, of course

Nikki Lynn
Nikki Lynn
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

T, “Girlfriend’s” on the list for a good, solid throat punch next Thursday from me. (Smiles).

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  Nikki Lynn

I knew I could count on you, NL!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

Better for CL to get those piles of money than the RIC industry. They want to blame us for the sins of others and then smile about it. No thanks.

Meanwhile ex wants me to exchange pleasantries and smiles with Schmoopie (for the sake of the kids). Again, no thanks.

And when I ball my hands when I lay them on table in a restaurant or I fold my arms when I am cold it doesn’t mean I am angry and tense until you tell me it does at which point it makes me anxious and self conscious. So now who’s being negative?

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago

“… it doesn’t mean I am angry and tense until you tell me it does at which point it makes me anxious and self conscious.”

Full stop. THIS is what does you in. It’s what makes a chump a chump.

Feeling angry and tense should not transmute into anxiety and self consciousness at someone else’s whim!!!

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
5 years ago

Gah! This and the arm folding! I’m always cold it seems and was recently told by my boss at work that upper management believed I was angry all the time. How about you men stop jacking up the AC to arctic temps and I won’t have to regularly bundle up or fold my arms when maybe a winter jacket shouldn’t be worn to a meeting…

Susannah
Susannah
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

OMG! Mindless upper management. It drives me crazy when I hear ambiguous, off-base “upper management” views of me. Like they sit around in their glitzy executive suite with bad art, and whisper about me over their cups of espresso. Don’t they have work they should be doing?

Sorry, this is a triggery thing for me…

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

” they sit around in their glitzy executive suite with bad art”
So much truth in this, the important CEOS, with no idea of the trials, tribulations, and true grit of the real, front line workers- t he people who get their hands dirty so to speak, doing the real work!
A little off topic, but aren’t most of the typical cheaters CEOS in their line of work, while the Chump is the real front line worker.
It was this way for me, just wondering. I see it in many posts, just who is the heart and soul, giving character, the other not so much!
Great post Susannah. Right on!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
5 years ago

It will be interesting to see how many male Chumps have had the smile police nag them. It does seem that society feels more free to tell women what to do, what to think, how to act, etc.

I got the command to “Smile!” I also was told, many times, that I was smiling too often, too broadly, too suspiciously. I was told that traveling was “running away from my problems” and that “you think too much.” Really, it just seems that there are a lot of entitled, disordered people around who lack self-awareness and healthy boundaries. Now that I’m practicing on setting firm boundaries and enforcing them, these people are generally not coming out of the woodwork so often. I think I’ll use Tracy’s, “Thanks, I’m good” next time.

Oh, and another favorite I just thought of. When I’m in a coffee shop clearly reading or studying, or in line in a grocery store, and some random old guy thinks I should watch his performance of whatever; whistling, imitating Donald Duck, telling a bad joke. Funny how they never try to interrupt the guy sitting next to them. I’m done with playing nice. I am not their audience!

nomar
nomar
5 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

As a male, I’ve never been told to smile. Total double standard . But I think the corollary for men is to suck up and deal. Very low social interest in hearing men complain, even from other men. Even when it’s about having to pay alimony and child support to a cheater and watch her use it support her life with an AP, and paternity testing kids, and having your kids moved 1,500 miles away. I envy women their ability to hear and support each other and love that CN is based on our common interests as chumps.

QueenMother (can I be Madame BadAss now?)
QueenMother (can I be Madame BadAss now?)
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, I hope you can get full custody of your kiddos and then make no more child support payments to her

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

That’s great insight on your part. Thanks for sharing.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Too bad that women and men are not allowed to experience and express the full range of emotions, isn’t it ? Fear, sadness, anger, disgust , shame and joy. If you’re a woman who looks angry, you’re labelled a bitch and if you’re male, no fear or sadness for you. You’re deemed a wuss !

There is work to be done and Tracy is leading the movement.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago

Just a reminder that our goals are pretty clear:

* Leave a cheater. Gain a life. That’s not “bitter.” That’s aspirational. That’s imagining our worth exists beyond a relationship to someone who actively refuses to value us.

* Get to Meh. Not to Bitter Bunnyville. Meh. That means we want to move through the anger and the bitterness and the grief to a state where the cheater is not central to our life or our emotional state.

* Practice our Mighty. Learn to hang wallpaper, run the yard tractor, caulk the bathtub, raise kids on your own, get in shape, find new interests, sort the Switzerland friends and the users out and embrace friends with character, reach out to others in need. Adopt a shelteret. Get rid of clutter….so much mighty.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I completely agree with your sage advice, including, “move through….to a state where the cheater is not central to our life or our emotional state,” with one caveat:

I like my meh with a splash of tabasco sauce. Moral indignation, and even anger, is warranted if it is for a purpose. Anger drives change; I doubt Mario Savio was completely at “meh” when he stood on the steps of Sproul Hall and launched the student Free Speech movement. I doubt Rosa Parks was at “meh” when she refused to relinquish her seat on the bus and propelled the Civil Rights movement forward more quickly.

Our anger is justified; our prolonged anger is justified, IMHO, as long as we build a great new life, while using that emotion as a mechanism for changing the narrative.

Tessie
Tessie
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Couldn’t agree more, Tempest.

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

It’s the chumps still entangled in defending their justified emotions who are suffering.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
5 years ago

On New Year’s Eve 2013, an hour before we were walking to a party with our 7 year old, dday occurred. A partial disclosure about an ea (a lie) in the form of a terrified confession. I was in a state of shock. We all know that tingly numbing nauseating tightness. So what did chumpy me do? I put on my party clothes and attended the party in a stupor. And guess who smilingly grabbed me for a kiss at midnight? It still pisses me off that I behaved in a way that protected his feelings and image. Like a good girl, I did not make a scene, I smoothed my skirt, reapplied my lipstick and looked the part. I should have let him own the fallout, but instead I internalized it all so he could say “phew, there, I’m in the clear, it wasn’t bad, I’m not bad.” So that when I finally freaked the fuck out, guess who looked totally cuckoo pants? Not the guy who grabbed me and kissed me at midnight. The bitter harpie, who is clearly unstable and not well, we can kind of see how a guy who’s so loving would feel the need to look elsewhere for comfort. She’s nuts.

People on the outside don’t see the weeks months years of playing this role and how your brain and heart are in constant conflict. Being physically ill for no reason. Insomnia, vomiting. Being told over and over in a “there there you confused child” patronizing voice that the fucking sky is green what the hell is the matter with you, does a real number on you. And I’m supposed to react to that with warm cookies and a smile so that others aren’t uncomfortable? Not anymore I’m not. Insert the fuck you middle finger emoji right fucking here.

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
5 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Wow @hollowbunny does that ring true. Got told after the pick me dance that I lost and still went out the next day and hosted a skating party for 19 (kids, family and friends) while he pretended he was the life of the party. It was only after I told people a few weeks later that they were shocked I could hold it all together while I was dying on the inside.

Yay us
Yay us
5 years ago