It’s Taking Up Another’s Place

So, there’s this terrific early Aretha Franklin song you should all listen to (yes, I’m that sort of pedantic person who wants you to listen to her playlist, and control the radio dial, and the flipper, and… LISTEN TO HER GREATNESS!) It’s called, “You’re Taking Up Another Man’s Place.”

You don’t want me
And you don’t want nobody else to want me
What kind of man
What kind of man are you?

You don’t need me
And you don’t want nobody else to need me
What kind of man
Are you trying to send me to?

Now if you’re not gonna take care of business
Then you ought to stop taking up space
‘Cause you’re just taking up, that’s all you’re doing
You just taking up another man’s place

Aw baby, you don’t even
You don’t even want me to go to the store
What kind of man
What manner of man are you?

You run over me
You run right over me trying to answer the telephone
Tell me what kind of thing, what kind of thing
What kind of thing you think you gonna put me through?

You keep me wanting
You keep me wanting the one thing you never gave
Well, right here right now
You can stop taking up another man’s space

Baby, I been faithful
And you know I been true
But if you’re not gonna love me, baby
Tell me what do you expect me to do?

You keep me wanting
You keep me wanting the one thing you never gave
Well, right here right now
Right here right now

You can stop taking up another man’s place
If you’re not gonna love me baby
And you know I need somebody to love me
You’re just taking up another man’s place

If you really don’t need me, baby
If you say you just don’t need me
You just, oh, stop taking up another man’s place

I love it when Aretha sings “What MATTER of MAN are YOU?” — the fuck off dripping from every note.

Which brings us to the point of this weekend’s exercise — If you haven’t left a cheater, or the mental baggage, or their shit in your closet — it’s taking up valuable space. Space that could be better spent on, well, ANOTHER MAN (or woman). Or happier thoughts. Or a Konmari-ed closet of zen-like tranquility.

So why are you hanging on?

For those who are rid of cheaters and their attendant toxicity — what did you replace it with? You can answer this anyway you want to.

I threw out all the reconciliation books I bought on Amazon, and replaced them with Agatha Christie mysteries!

I dumped all my Switzerland friends and made new friends!

I took all that mental real estate I was leasing to untangling his skein of fuckupedness and filled my brain with astrophysics instead!

And of course, those of you further along on the Meh-Mobile, may have another partner in the cheater’s place. (Or maybe you adopted some really great dogs.)

Tell Chump Nation what you got rid of, and what you got that’s better.

TGIF!

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Beetle
Beetle
6 years ago

My daughter has moved in with me. We are headed out to Atlantas best fabric store. The exh dumped her off here because she was a lot of trouble and took off on another vacation without either of my daughters. He’s special and it’s his birthday weekend.
I’m repairing all his trash he’s done to her. I showed her your colum and she laughed. I told her how they were all the same.
I look forward to today and all we will do but mostly hanging out and getting to know her again.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

Such wonderful news, Beetle! Enjoy!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

Beetle
Daughters, I cannot possibly say enough good things about them!
Love to you and your’s and BIG HUGS!
Have fun, you deserve it!
????

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

Have a great day with your daughter, Beetle!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

I’m happy for you! I am waiting for that day also!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

I’m so happy you are reconnecting with your daughter!!! Have a beautiful day, Beetle! (((Hugs)))

Beetle
Beetle
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Thank you. It’s been three years and when I was gone from his life he proceeded to mess up the girls with leaving them home, no money and going on yet another vacation. The girls couldn’t understand the change in him.
I’ve also got to take my daughter by his house and get her nice sewing machine. He was letting his girlfriend use it.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

???? Sewing machines are sacred!
I hope your daughter makes herself some beautiful clothes! Or pillows for your house together! Maybe you should smudge the machine with some sage, or at least wipe it down with bleach.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Just yesterday my STBX requested the weight bench. Well, he had purchased this bench for my birthday a few years ago. I had asked for a weight bench (a simple one, since I had a bar and free weights already). But, not — STBX insisted on buying this huge bench with a pulley system for lats, etc.

At the time of the purchase, he was giddy — because it went up to 200 pounds. After a few days of listening to his excitement over the 200 pounds, and me thinking “I lift light, so why does he think 200 pounds is so important?” Yeah, it really took me a couple of days to figure out the obvious … he was buying the bench for himself, but playing it off as a gift to me. Asshole.

I called him out on it just before it was delivered — and I never touched that stupid bench that takes up a ton of room in the garage and oozes negative vibes to me every time I see it.

So, I told him (via phone) I was cleaning out the garage and that he needed to get his shit out (he’s hoovering and leaving stuff … because he has convinced himself he’ll be coming back … hahahahaha!). So, he said he’d like to take the weight bench since I don’t use it.

Here’s where today’s exercise came in … I said “No. It was a present to me. So, I’m offering it for free to our daughters’ friends. If they don’t want it, I’m dismantling it and putting it in the garbage.” And I meant it. I want it GONE. I want the negative crap GONE. I am reclaiming that space in my garage as much as in my head.

(I know this doesn’t really seem like much, but it was a huge step for me … I am a bit proud of myself today.) 🙂

Josephine
Josephine
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Yes. Remove the toxicity.
They got this train rolling
You Head to the next stop

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Good for you!!! That is awesome!

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Hmmmmm. This is a good idea. Asshat gifted himself under the guise of a present to me a pair of super duper expensive noise canceling headphones that I have never seen since I unwrapped it at least 12 yrs ago.

Thanks for the idea.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

You are mighty, and this is a great story! With a wow finish –he is no doubt BESIDE HIMSELF over that weight bench being given away!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Thank you, CleotheFormerChump! 🙂

His response was pretty funny … just “oh” … for once, he didn’t quite know how to play his hand. I’m confusing him with my newfound strength. LOL

FooledMeTwice
FooledMeTwice
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

“I’m confusing him with my newfound strength.”

Keep it up!

This is new to me as well – I’m loving it. I’ve rediscovered a strength that I knew long before I allowed his needs to reduce my own to nothing. My girls (19, 21, & 23) are watching me blossom into a strong, assertive, no sh*t-taking woman. My son (14), is watching and learning how to be a good man, one of good character and kindness. Their father doesn’t understand why they won’t have anything to do with him.

I’ve banned him from the house and told him his things would be set aside for him in a safe place. He wanted to go through the house room by room to get his stuff. The old me would have been accommodating and would have given in. Instead, I stood firm and said, “You cannot come inside, you can get your things from X.”

The awesome power of setting boundaries…my new superpower.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  FooledMeTwice

This is beautiful FooledMeTwice. Your children are lucky to have you for an example. 🙂

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  FooledMeTwice

I did this too… told Mr. Sparkles that when he left anything he left behind was “abandoned property” and I was allowed to do whatever I wanted with it. Told him to take me to court if he wanted.

Then, after divorce was final, I told him he had to have the rest of his crap gone from basement/garage by month’s end. He complained to anyone who would listen (flying monkeys). I have never felt mightier than watching him pull away and my stepsons rolling their eyes in embarrassment (he has no friends to help him, needed them).

LettingGo
LettingGo
6 years ago
Reply to  FooledMeTwice

Wow, you are mighty!! Your kids are lucky to have you!!!

Fern
Fern
6 years ago
Reply to  FooledMeTwice

“I’ve rediscovered a strength that I knew long before I allowed his needs to reduce my own to nothing.”

word.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago

I got rid of him and replaced him with a 100 lb black lab. Or as I refer to her as “100 lbs of love”.

My a-Ha! moment was when one of my work friends asked me if I wanted her; she did not really have much room for her to run; I realized I did not have to ask anyone.

She is the best dog ever. She is my protector. She despises my ex, tries to chew the tires off his truck when he has come to the house. She loves everyone else, including the mailman, UPS, Fedex, my parents, kids and my new husband.

Dogs know.

blindsidedinboston
blindsidedinboston
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

I have a wooden sign that sits on top of my windowsill over my kitchen sink that says “The Best Therapist Has Fur and Four Legs”. A few months after my ex moved out I met a little dog at a local event where our local animal shelter had a booth with some of their animals who were in need of homes. It was my 20th wedding anniversary that day and every ounce of my being felt sad, broken and hopeless. I have always been a cat person and never really got why people were so crazy about their dogs. Something made me go over to that pup that day. I knelt down to pet him and he put his front paws on my leg and licked my face. He made me smile. I knew right then he needed to come home with me. My 2 kids and I already had 3 cats and I thought adding a dog to the mix might add more chaos to our lives but I ignored my rational side and adopted him anyway. I am so grateful that I did. He has been such a gift, a positive diversion, so therapeutic and such a loyal friend. He gets me out walking every day which is so good for my mental health and he greets me with the same over-the-top enthusiasm every time I walk in the door whether I’ve been gone for 15 minutes or all day. I have no doubt that he was meant for us and that we met for a reason. He’s my guardian angel. Now I am one of those crazy dog lovers that I used to wonder about. My “personal petting zoo” of 4 furry friends has gotten me through some of the darkest moments.

BlindSidedByEvilOnes
BlindSidedByEvilOnes
6 years ago

Blindsidedinboston, I feel the same way about my furballs. No mater what I look like, no matter if I’m crying or smiling they are always by my side. My pup greets me with kisses and love everyday. He and my kitty are my constant companions.
Maybe they are my true soulmates not my cheating ex that I always thought was.

Feeling it
Feeling it
6 years ago

We had one older dog and after cheater left kids talked me into a puppy. I have always been a dog lover.

My mom never let me have one growing up and my dad who was a total dog person wouldn’t cross her. They finally got one when I was in college and she fell in love and never fully recovered when he died.

The kids say the new puppy is pure because cheater has never seen him. He makes us laugh.

I know from social media OW has cats. That will be interesting to see how that goes as cheater is allergic and has always hated (not neutral, hated cats- should have been a red flag.). When I met him he had a favorite t-shirt with a cat in a blender that said “cat daiquiris “. I know- how did I miss that-?

So we will see how that goes for them with the cats. My good friend and our former neighbor had cats and every time we went over he would complain about the cat pee smell. I never noticed it but my friend would always make apologies for it. I think she didn’t believe me when I said I couldn’t smell it.

I am sure the OW’s cats are special and don’t bother him until they do.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Feeling it

Feeling it,

MEOW on that!

I have cats and dogs!

Love your dog story,
Love OW cats story,
Ah choo many times over to your cheater!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Thanks peace keeper, narc may morph to cats temporarily for mirroring but I think his hate for cats is part of his pathology and won’t go away. I even saw a post where OW mother posted I bet cheater won’t like that when she got a new cat. Granted cheater has a common name but what are the odds?

I am sure he is cutting her down about her love of cats albeit subtly.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Got rid of a lying, cheating, miserable dud and was reluctantly talked into rescuing a beagle by my youngest son. In turn, our howling ball of fur and fun rescued me, too. We adore him, and he has brought us more joy and laughter than Dreary Old Dud ever did!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I have been considering getting a cat but haven’t done it yet. I have had cats before and loved them, but that was a long time ago and they do have their drawbacks. Kitty litter isn’t free, you can’t train them, they don’t stay on the floor and if they pee outside the litterbox, you’ll never get the small out.

On the other hand, the advantages would include making my daughter extremely happy (for the one more year she has at home before she goes off to college), they are comforting when they sit on your lap and purr (we would have to get an affectionate one) and STBX can’t stand cats so it would send a pretty clear message to him.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago

Chumpinrecovery – Get two cats, so they can keep each other company when you’re away… It’s amazing how much I enjoy mine, they purring and cuddles are priceless… And that is of course on top of the peace that comes from gray rocking my Danny Downer of an X!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

I can’t offer any suggestions about the cost of kitty litter, but if you can find a piece of old linoleum to put under the cat box, you can sweep up the little that falls outside off their paws and you can easily wipe it down. I had an older cat who had litter box issues after she developed lymphoma–she would pee in the area but not in the box. The linoleum helped. My box is in the basement and what I wanted to prevent was cat pee seeping into the concrete in that damp area. I have zero problem with odor. Most cats won’t urinate outside their box; it’s usually stress or sickness.

Polly is right- relationships, including ones with human, require work. I have two set-tramatized cats. It took a lot of time to help them adjust to my quiet home. If you take your time and look for a cat that fits you and the vibe in your home, things will likely go very well. That’s one reason why an adult cat is a good pick. You can better gauge the kitty’s personality and there may be information on why the cat ended up homeless. If working with litter box issues worries you, be sure to avoid a feral cat in favor of one who had opportunity to learn “litter box” in a human home with the rest of the litter.

Polly
Polly
6 years ago

Having a pet is committing to a years long relationship, but it’s so worth it. No relationship is work free. I don’t know what your position on indoor/outdoor cats is, but mine is so happy and mellow. He doesn’t rip up my furniture bc he has tons of room to play outside and he’s incredibly friendly and sociable with people. You can try adopting an older cat where their personality is set, as opposed to a kitten which is more initial work and their behavior can change quite dramatically.

Besides, cats have the least amount work involved when compared to a dog, a rabbit, a ferret, etc. Maybe considering fostering first to see if you like having an animal around the house. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you!!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Thanks for all of the tips everyone.

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago

Do you eat citrus? You can put orange peels, brown sugar and water in a bottle for 3 months and make a basically 0 cost enzyme cleaner that destroys cat odor. Google orange enzyme cleaner to get more details and snuggle down!

Soitgoes
Soitgoes
6 years ago

Get the cat! You can totally train them. You just have a smaller window than with puppies.
Oxyclean and an ozone generator can get the smell of cat pee out.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Soitgoes

I have a cat who will lie down on command. And they all know to keep off the tables and counters, at least when I’m home. That sort of thing is true of dogs and kids…

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

My 3 cats are trained to sit while I am preparing their food. Females pee outside the litter box less than males. My STBX’s favourite cat also sat by the door for a couple of weeks waiting for him to come back.

Ali
Ali
6 years ago

Get a cat! My ex was allergic to them. My cat is great company, snuggles with me in bed, and is very easy to take care of!

Sketchyokgirl
Sketchyokgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Ali

My daughter and I just had to put her cat down this afternoon. We just cried and being there when she stroked her beloved to sleep was priceless. It was a moment that I don’t think we would have shared except by way of infidelity and divorce. I have replaced a cold fish for a very rich and deep relationship with my daughter and I’m grateful for that gift.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Sketchyokgirl

Sketchyokgirl,
I am so sorry for your daughter and your loss.
Being with a beloved pet when they leave this world is a great privilege. They know that we love them right up to their final heartbeat.

Xxxxxxx

Sketchyokgirl
Sketchyokgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Sketchyokgirl

He would never have valued the life lessons that I taught her today. But MY daughter knows how to love, have compassion, and grieve. He can have his Craigslist and workplace ho’s. In our house we do real.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Sketchyokgirl

So sorry to hear about your cat. They are like another child.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Umfortunately, my dog recognizes the ex as a member of the pack, and doesn’t understand ‘exile’ or ‘banish’. Ex was always rough with my dog, yet he’s always so happy to see him whenever ex comes around.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

Our dog loves STBX best even though he walked out on her as much as the rest of us. Shortly after he moved out he came by one night to say hi to the kids. When he left, she refused to leave the back porch. She kept waiting for him to come back in again. I just looked at her sadly and said “he isn’t coming back”.

Now she still gets excited and goes nuts every time he comes by to get the kids. I still love the dog though. I know how we are supposed to feel about “Switzerland Friends”, but she really truly doesn’t and can’t understand the current situation.

Sigh.

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago

ChumpInRecovery – The X left behind 4 beloved dogs, his choice.
From then on, since I thought it was very unfair for the dogs to keep getting their hopes up by seeing their human, that it was best if the dogs were put away anytime he had to come to the home. I would not allow the dogs to see him
It was best for the dogs.
The old dog he abandoned when he left sat in front of the door for 3 wks after he left and it broke my heart. And, when that dog passed shortly after, the X wouldn’t even come and visit him before I had to put him down.
Asshole.

Jess
Jess
6 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

I *really* hope there is a special place in hell for that X-hole!

pbs
pbs
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

We had the sweetest little dog for 6 years at the time my ex left. She had never shown aggression toward any living thing in those 6 years. I only allowed the jackass back into the house one time after I discovered his affair. Our sweet little angel dog immediately started growling at him baring teeth and hackles up. It was amazing! She sensed just how evil he was. He stood there slack jawed staring at her. This was many years ago and she has since passed on. The kids and I talk of her often and we all agree she was the best dog ever????

K
K
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

GoneGirl aren’t they the best? Got myself one of them too, a far better snuggler than the cold fish cheater ever was, and I don’t even mind if she hogs the bed!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Sold my engagement ring and bought the now 100lb yellow lab my ex wouldnt let me have.
I love, love, love that dog….as do my kids, my new boyfriend, everybody.
Best thing I ever did.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

I’ve heard the phrase “dog of my heart” used to describe such a friend. Would you say that’s true?

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

What a good dog! Extra bones and belly rubs for her.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

“She despises my ex, tries to chew the tires off his truck when he has come to the house.”

My first laugh of the day! 🙂 Your dog is awesome.

Breathe
Breathe
6 years ago

I am new to this site, but have been an avid reader for months. Have got the book, and now just need the T shirt so to speak. Reading your posts gives me hope and strength- thank you

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Breathe

Breathe,
I love your name.
Welcome to CN, as Jess Mom says, you have found “the perfect place”
There is so much strength here, so much love and understanding.
This is my happy place and I am so happy that you have joined us,
but of course, I am so sorry for the circumstances.
❤️

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Welcome, Breathe!
I’m glad you’re here with us. I’m new, too…just nearing a month. This is the single most helpful site for me in staying sane facing fuckwit’s insanity. Great experience, strength and hope are shared here…with a lot of laughs, too!
Jump in, the water’s healing!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Breathe

Hi Breathe:

I’m so sorry for the circumstances that led you hear — but you definitely found the perfect place to “land.” This site and its many wonderful community members have been a life-line for me and my daughters while getting out of a horrible situation.

Keep reading and posting! You will find a great deal of love and support here.

Sending my best,
Jess’s Mom

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

*here (note “hear” … homophones get me all the time!)

Oneonefourone
Oneonefourone
6 years ago

About two months out I can’t quite answer this yet, but will watch the replies for ideas.

I’m interested in more music anthems as well. I’ve been directed to Kesha’s praying from here (woman is also fab). What else can I add to my playlist for listening to on full volume to sing along with mightily while I work on being mighty myself?

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

Free Will by Rush. My anthem.

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Bartender-lady antebellum
My way-limp bizkit
Knowing when to leave-Kristin Cheniwith
All woman-Lisa stansfield
I’ll survive you-BC Jean
Album- love, marriage & divorce- Toni Braxton.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

‘Fuck You’ by Lily Allen. Good song ????

Morse
Morse
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

@ANC – this “Fuck You” – played on loop when he was forcing us to co habit…. It really irked him.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Morse

Hilarious!

Last yr I overplayed ‘7Nation Army’ by the White Stripes. Another FU anthem.

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Justin Timberlake’s “What goes around comes around” both original and remix are great…

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  Pondscumbgone

“Thanks For Nothing (Kiss My Ass)” by The Downtown Fiction and “Gives You Hell” by The All American Rejects, for a couple solid but more abstract choices.

OutDamnedSpot
OutDamnedSpot
6 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

For the strong of stomach only — very, erm, earthy — Margaret Cho’s video “Eat Shit and Die.” Only wish it had existed back when everything happened, but still a great help years later when I need a hilarious angry anthem. (And by earthy, I mean it has dancing turds. No glitter, though.) On YouTube in all its glory.

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

Chris Cornell with Murder of Blue Skies. I love the line: I can’t wait to never be with you again.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

CrazyDogLady, THANK YOU for this recommendation. This is my new theme song. I already love Chris Cornell, so it’s perfect all around.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

Phil Collin’s “I Don’t Care Anymore” got me through quite a few difficult months. My narc XH did the whole smear campaign behind my back even before I knew what was coming, so this song had a lot of meaning to me.

Living a Nightmare live
Living a Nightmare live
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

I have a few great songs for you. Just do me a favor and keep an open mind. God uses many different ways to tell us he is here!
Disturbed- The Light-this one is my Mantra. Nickelback-What are you waiting for, Avenge Sevenfold- Nightmare, Pop Evil-Go higher, Daughtry-I got over you and of course, Gloria Gaynor’s I will survive! Remember they just suck!

Living a Nightmare live
Living a Nightmare live
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

I have a few great songs for you. Just do me a favor and keep an open mind. God uses many different ways to tell us he is here!
Disturbed- The Light-this one is my Mantra. Nickelback-What are you waiting for, Avenge Sevenfold- Nightmare, Pop Evil-Go higher, Daughtry-I got over you and of course, Gloria Gaynor’s I will survive!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago

Since I did three years in wreckconciliation, Daughter’s “No Surprise” was my anthem in the beginning of 2013. I used to practice how I was going to tell cheater ex that I wanted a divorce. (Which is like the first line of the lyrics of that song) It took me 7 months to get the lady balls but I finally did it and I used CL’s site and that song as my motivators. Whatever works right?

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

That’s Daughtry’s “No Surprise”, not Daughters! Freakin autocorrect!

Mim
Mim
6 years ago

I Hate You So Much Right Now by Kelis when I have my rage on.

Let It Be when I’m nurturing my recovery.

I’m Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister when I’m feeling righteous and drawing a line in the sand.

And like you Living, love listening to I Will Survive when contemplating my future and strengthening my determination.

PS Thanks CL for the above recommendation – Aretha freaking nails it!

Mim
Mim
6 years ago
Reply to  Mim

Oh and Sweet Home Alabama, just because it makes me happy 🙂

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

Keeping in mind that my “angst” music tends to be a bit harder … I’ve gone a bit “throwback” recently and have been listening to Meredith Brook (I’m a Bitch), Alannis Morissette (You Ought Know and Ironic). But I also like Pink (You and Your Hand).

When I need to just relax and not feel the angst, I listen to Chopin. 🙂

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

And. . . for comic relief, there’s the Steep Canyon Rangers’ “Jubilation Day”! Yes, that IS the Steve Martin, he’s an accomplished bluegrass banjo picker! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jMjfw9rznrs

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

That is fantastic!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

That is one of my favorite songs ever! When my dad and I saw them in concert, the opening bars started and I told him, “This is my favorite!” after the song ended, he said, “I can see why!”

Oneonefourone
Oneonefourone
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Alannis is also in my mix! Also a throwback to Bif Naked’s I Love Myself Today.

Corrie
Corrie
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

Pink and Bif Naked are wonderful! I also found my kids song from the movie Trolls, Get Back Up Again really good.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

It didn’t get me through, but Kesha’s new video “Praying” has helped me in a fundamental way, that is difficult to explain. It turned a corner for me.

I am one of the “veterans”, like so many wonderful people here. I have survived the initial betrayal, the attempted reconcile, and ultimately, the divorce and its after shock. I have done everything possible to move forward in my life as I enter my 60’s.

There has still been a hurt though, a feeling like the bad guys won. I stumbled upon Kesha’s video, and it was transforming She clearly has been through the hell of abuse and come out on the other side.

Her song helped me realize in a profound way that I am not just going to be “okay.” I get a new beginning! I am free and the two people who hurt me still have pig heads! I feel lighter than I have in years.

If you get the chance, check it out.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

I agree completely! I am a new chump 7 weeks out and filing for divorce. I listen to this song on an endless loop. And I love the video! I am praying for him that he makes better choices for our son in terms of a future mate. His AP is a supposedly reformed drug addicted escort who is illiterate and was arrested for drug posession less than 12 months ago. She is 12 years younger than us and dresses like a complete whore! Not a good role model for our son! This terrifies me and there is nothing I can do about it. I also like the ending of the video where it says “beginning.” I want my new beginning too as I move on and get through this sickening roller coaster!

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet – someone did post this song in the forum but I have just watched it again and it is truly amazing. She has to know to be able to have written this. So moving. I am very bad with computers but I have managed to use the forums. If you are logged in (which you must be to post here) I think you can automatically look at them and post. I could be wrong though. X

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

I love this song. Heard a few weeks ago and shared it with one of my IRL BFF chump friends. Love those moments where Kesha screams, and where she pushes the pig heads out of her way. I can’t listen to it without years but also vindication and Justice.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet

I just watched video.. almost made me cry

I would like some justice in being abandoned after 34 years married. He & the whore are
living together traveling the world while I’m just barely getting by

Hugs to U ❤️

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen, Mocham,
“Traveling the world” – sounds like their attempt to escape reality & prolong the fantasy!

mocham
mocham
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I’m going through the- 36 years of marriage, 3 boys I stayed home to care for while my husband grew his law practice. After youngest left for college, I found husband had an affair for 5 years! Now he’s happy and traveling with his whore! I have to sell the family home, and dealing with the screwed up boys. But I know I will be happy- this song I play many times a day!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago
Reply to  mocham

Wishing you strength, Mocham. May your EX find bedbug infestations (after he’s carted them home) wherever he and the whore travel!

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Thank you Violet!!! I just listened and you are so right! What an amazing song, and I vote we make it Chump Nation’s theme song! ❤️????????

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

First 3 weeks on endless loop: Gloria Gaynor’s “I will Survive”
Next few weeks until I filed: Scandal’s “Goodbye to You”

“Jar of Hearts” was appropriate (X was a serial cheater); Billy Idol and Ramone’s “I want to be Sedated” when I needed energetic dance music.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,

Sorry to be off topic, but go watch the movie “Young at Heart”. It’s about a choral group at an old people’s home, that sings edgy stuff. The video of elderly people singing “I want to be sedated” is hilarious beyond words (sorry if I spoiled it for anyone).

Peace.
aeronaut

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Thanks, Aeronaut! sounds exactly the kind of quirky humor that appeals to me.

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

“Chain of Fools” by Aretha Franklin, “Already Gone” by the Eagles, “Go Away” by Gloria Estefan, and “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her” by Mary Chapin Carpenter. Oldies, but goodies.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yes please Songs!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

On YouTube : Run by Nicloe Scherzinger

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Nicole Scherzinger

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ok. I’m going to make a Spotify playlist with all of these songs on it. Once I do, I’ll post it as a public list and call it Chumplady.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Yay! Great idea!

RunningMom
RunningMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Did you make this playlist? If not I will try to get it done! I love the suggestions!

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  RunningMom

working on it right now…

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I suck at getting to the forums. I’ve registered, but cannot figure how to access them to post, etc. I am self-taught in computers, in a bad way. Thanks!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet,
Try as I might, I goofed at that also, don’t even think I managed to register, so you are one up on me.

Untechy Peacekeeper,

I remember actually crying at work when having to learn to do so much work on a computer, ( nursing, and I hated it as it took me away from my purpose there – caring for people)
However, not too long after, I was charting on the computer chatting and laughing with my co-workers, and patients were wondering where the hell we were!????

Sorry, off topic,
Damn techy world…..

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet, I really hope you’ll keep trying with the forums. We *need* you over there, man. lol

Seriously, though. Keep trying–once you register and log in, the forums will appear at the top right of the page, right above the CL banner. Hope to see you there soon!

Oneonefourone
Oneonefourone
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Oh I keep meaning to register! Sorry!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Oops — sorry! I was typing my response as you posted (so I didn’t see it).

FUNR
FUNR
6 years ago

Reminds me of this quote:

comment image

seriously?
seriously?
6 years ago

I did get a puppy. A gorgeous black cockapoo.
So sweet, everyone loves her, she is a teddy bear, warm, furry and cuddly.
Reliable, affectionate, always bouncy, makes you get out of the house for walks.
Perfect .

Also, nothing to do with ex. I am sure she would have been a completely different dog had I not divorced him.

Rules everywhere, probably kicked and controlled, and now be all snarly.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago

So far, have filled the space where his diabolical energy used to be with

–Blessed peace and silence. Nobody has yelled at me since last time I spoke to him.
–Relief. So. Much. Relief.
–University teaching position, which starts this Fall semester.
–A very good lawyer, and determination to get this thing done.
–Much more open, relaxed, and healing relationships with my kids.
–Lots of writing and learning on CN.
–Skinnier, happier, healthier me.
–Skinny jeans, rocking little skirts, several pairs of kick-ass boots, and all new underwear. Never underestimate the joys of satin and lace.
–Manicures, pedicures, massages, and great hair. No more erasing my needs. Self-care is back.

The cheater is still not wholly eradicated, which is annoying and anxiety provoking, but the relief that was there even on dday has grown, and things are improving, bit by bit.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

I love it. You are such a smart, kind-hearted, talented woman. I’m glad you know that. And congratulations on the job! Teaching college kids is like the fountain of youth. I swear.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Cashmere – that is fabulous! Congratulations on the new job. All about honouring yourself – including the feminine goddess aspect! So easy to start to believe we are the sexless frumps we have been treated as, wonderful to embrace the fact that, actually, we are not. Good on you – it really does sound as you are on the way to Meh – and better. X

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Cashmere, I love your list!!! And way to rock short skirts and boots! So, so awesome.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Cashmere,

“–University teaching position, which starts this Fall semester.”

Congrats. Welcome to the fraternal order of underpaid professors. I’m sure your students will learn oh so much. Good luck with it all.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Fandantastic, Cashmere. So happy for your new job and all the rest of it! Whoo-hooo!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Seeing the list here, cash, did your ex try to exert financial control over you? You talk about getting nice things for yourself nowadays and not sublimating your needs, and what I hear is “My husband was willing to spend on himself but not me.”

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Yes, Vulcan, exactly right. Once the affairs began–especially the last of them–every penny I spent was a problem. I was buying my clothes at Goodwill and paying for gas with change so I could keep DD and DS from feeling it, but of course they noticed.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Your list is wonderful, cashmere! Just reading it gave me some ideas (thank you!).

And, congratulations on your new, university teaching position! 🙂

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

I’ve replaced my ex with a more educated me. He is an IT person, so naturally, I left all the computer related “stuff” to him. In the last few months I’ve taught myself to backup my photos on an external hard drive and flash drives. I learned how to scan personal documents for safe keeping, how to scan and email, categorize all the divorce emails into a folder for future reference etc. It’s quite empowering and I get to model to my ten year old daughter that she can do anything she sets her mind to. My ex would be shocked if he saw what I could do now…little by little it helps me be mightier.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

This is awesome, Pret! I work in tech and I always hate it when people say things like “Eh I’m just not good at computers” or “I just don’t understand this stuff,” because they’re selling themselves short. Some people may be a little more predisposed to tech than others, but there is no magical boundary between the “non-tech-savvy” and technical proficiency. All of us had to start somewhere — most of just just by mashing all the keys ’til you figure out how things work. All the skills you listed are incredibly practical, and a great place to start. One of the things I love most about tech is that anybody can harness it, and it helps you be more independent and less reliant on other humans. Good for you for being mighty!

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

And it’s not even correlated with intelligence or experience. I did my Ph.D. thesis in physics by doing simulations of granular flow on supercomputers, writing C code and shell scripts to to the experiments. Despite this, sometimes I still have trouble making my iPhone do what I want. Get online, figure out what you need to know to do what you need to do, and do it.

Peace.
aeronaut

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Aeronaut,
You are always a very encouraging and knowledgable person.
Thank you!
You are right and I will keep on trying to be more techy!

Hugs to you!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

That’s what kids are for. They can show me how to do anything I might want to do on my iPhone as well as many things I have no interest in doing on my iPhone.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago

Chump Lady, I love the playlist! Keep it coming.

So many changes. But the one that stands out is, “went from being a casual bike rider to a cycling maniac determined to ride every day and to bang out the occasional Century.”

Absent him, the bike became my favorite traveling companion, accompanying me on so many adventures! My best and happiest substitution.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

Oh!yes! So much yes!

Well I first replaced the space in my head with the legal process. I replaced that with the therapy process.

I replaced that with a positive, reciprocal, amazing relationship with PTSD Guy.
Keep moving forward chumps. It gets better. I promise it gets better.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I love this progression. Therapy will be next once the divorce is final. DD’s very good therapist tells me that it is pretty common for chumps to wait, since a nark would not hesitate to use that against us in divorce. Will be very happy to get that started.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Can I ask how he would be able to use going to therapy against you?

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

It’s pretty shallow and petty, but some exes will claim that the chump is in therapy because they are mentally unstable or unbalanced, and that’s part of why they had to divorce, when the reality is almost always that the arrow of causation is exactly the reverse of that – the chump needs to be in therapy because of what the ex did to them. May do nothing, but might spin a mediator or judge to change custody balances or other parameters of the separation and potential child care arrangements.

Peace,
aeronaut

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Thank you aeronaut, seems crazy that judges would believe that but I guess some of the most disordered can even manipulate the professionals.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Yes, Aero nailed it.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

I have a beautiful baby girl and her big brother to fill up my time. I will never understand why he chose to leave his family, but I appreciate what I have and I’m going to make the most of my time whilst they are still so little.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Pregnant Chump, your posts are always so close to my heart and I feel for you greatly. My ex almost left me (us) when I was pregnant with our second child. Mind you, this was over 16 years ago. For sure he was having some type of affair with a ho-worker. All the signs were there. I was devastated and cried every single day throughout that pregnancy and months after our daughter was born. I didn’t know what was happening and why he turned so cold, angry and mean towards me! It all makes sense now after reading CL and CN posts — they act this way when they are having an affair!! If I could turn back time, I wish I would have left him. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. I was just so scared and I didn’t want to be a single mom. Fast forward and now I’m a single mom. I have no doubt my ex cheated the last 16 years. Even if it was EA, he was still cheating. I don’t want to tell you this is a “blessing” you found out so early in your kids life that you husband is a lying, cheating jerk. I hated when people said that to me. No one wants to be a single mom. I would have been you. A baby girl and big brother. That was me too 16 years ago. You have such a good attitude and you go out and do exactly what you said you are going to do — ” appreciate what I have and I’m going to make the most of my time whilst they are still so little.” I look back and say the same about the time when our kids were little “why would he chose to leave his family.” In the end he didn’t chose to leave at that time. He was thinking about it as he one day coldly said to me (this was over 16 years ago), “You and the kids will be fine financially without me.” So he had some type of plan and he was already thinking about. I couldn’t understand how he could even think such a thing! We had a beautiful little family. I think a lot of guys would love to be blessed with what we had. But not my disordered XH. He needed new and sparkly all the time to fill up the empty part of him. He wanted to throw us all away for new and fresh. I wish he would have! I could have been young (early 30’s) and I could have moved back to my home state and be closer to my family. I could have started over at and earlier age. I’m now starting over and I’m 51 and it’s not easy. I know this is incredibly hard for you, but trust me if he didn’t do it now, he’d do it in the future. These cheaters just don’t change!! (((HUGS))) to you Pregnant Chump! I’m rooting for you big time!

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Thank you Martha I never expected to be a divorced single mum at 31 but reading the many stories on here I do feel kind of lucky. I really feel for those of you who are starting again in there 50’s and beyond. The downside to being younger is that we have to share our children and attempt to coparent with our cheater and the OW.

jadedmuse
jadedmuse
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

I’m 54 with a 12 year old. I’m looking toward my amazing, beautiful peers and those a few years older, as my personal inspirational guideposts. My divorce has been dragging on since DDay2 (last Nov, exactly 3 years after DDay 1), but getting shit done and feeling less scared. I have a sister chump (not biologically related) who has become an awesome friend (pretty sure we were separated at birth!) and STBX and I are actually finding our footing in new found civility. I’m still working my numbers from my side and that’s creating fresh anxiety – but I’m also tired of the nit-picking going on in my head as I convince myself I should get this or demand that. I’m kind of done feeling so anxious about that and mostly want at this point, to sit down and do a split…I’m thinking 60/40. I’m sure he’ll balk but…I may have an ace or two up the sleeve. I have to re frame my thinking about how my life ours – can – WILL be, moving forward. Ditching a lame cheater has to be a win. Maybe not the “retirement win” I’d had in mind – but then again, cheaters suck.

I love the hearts and minds of my fellow chumps here on CN – my tribe. No day goes by without my feeling grateful that Tracy created something so beautiful, born of such pain.

I only wish I could meet you all in person.

Until such time, love and hugs.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  jadedmuse

Welcome Jadedmuse and sorry you are here. I lived through 2 Ddays separated by 12 years. I think there were probably other attempts by him that didn’t pan out as well as a porn habit when the family was asleep at night.

My ex is Mr. Personality, the life of the party, but it’s superficial. We have 2 Godchildren with different couples because of him!! It seems to be intense bonding types of friendships and then he finds fatal flaws with them and it tapers off.

We work in the same large company and many think he’s such a great guy. I would also see glimpses of that great guy but mostly that miserable guy. Ultimately I just realized he is who he is. I can’t quite reconcile how someone could do what he’s done to his wife and kids. Once I went through the stages of grief and found comfort and kinship here with CL and CN, it has helped me let go of the dream.

Now I’m 16 months out from Dday #2 and divorce was final last fall. He’s not happy as I guess schmoopie dumped him. He’s texting alot. He just bought a huge house. None of it is luring the kids and I so he’s withholding money. Not child support, but he doesn’t pay a dime for anything for the kids–says ask your mom, I just paid her.

I make a 1/4 of his salary. I thought child support was supposed to cover basic expenses and we should split all of their other expenditures. I used to think he was a good father. Now I trust that he sucks in all areas of his life. I think he’s using money as a control for all of us. It’s not working for him!

I think you are on the right path. Sounds like you are done with him. Just don’t be surprised if he sucks with a the divorce settlement.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  jadedmuse

Jademuse,
Your post brought tears to my eyes.
Your strength resonates in your writing.
All that you say about Tracy and CN is so true.
CN is a “tribe” of caring, loving hearts, open to each other 24/7.

Hoping every day keeps getting better and better for you and your precious son.
With your outlook on life and life happenings, this is sure to happen.

(((((Hugs))))

Corrie
Corrie
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

I’m with you there pregnant chump. On my way to divorce (I think) and a single mom at 35. Not exactly how I pictured life. Still finding it hard to figure out.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Corrie

It’s crazy most of my friends are only just getting married and starting to think about having babies. I have two kids and I’m getting divorced. Mine was also the only Christian marriage in my family and friendship group outside of church. It really is crazy but I finally know now that there was nothing I could have done to change what he chose to do.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

I agree that most normal guys would be very thankful to have a loving wife and family. These selfish disordered cheaters think they will be able to find something new and better. I thought I was a pretty good wife and I thought he felt the same. It was all a lie and as soon as I had given my body up to have his children I was cruelly discarded. It’s sickening that they are able to just do that to people they profess to love and care about.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Hi. I’m new here. But I desperately need everyone’s wisdom. My cheater moved me across country to have our baby. As soon as we moved in together he became violent. I was 7 months. I was terrified day in and out. I have no family or support system so I was stuck with him. I knew he was cheating again and every time I asked even a ? He went insane. He totally used me for $ made me pay for everything. He never even bought our son one thing! I didn’t “deserve flowers in the hospital”.
The past year has been absolute hell. He was abusive and played so many games with me. I had him arrested 3 times. First time was 3 wks after baby was born. I was scared to death with no money or help. I stuck it out and begged. I really still love this monster and hoped he would just stop. The pathological lies and shady double life was obvious.
I’m so devastated over this.
I got him arrested again in April and he had his ow come to my house and take everything while I was gone! All legal. Then his evil sister made false reports on me to have dss take my baby. All I did was protect my baby from abuse. He tried to get restraining order in me. Judge didn’t give me one either. He took his manipulative side. Cops judge neighbors all believe him.
He’s a sick monster who didn’t even want to feel my baby kick. Now I’m living in a strange state with no one. I’m absolutely miserable. Can’t escape the thoughts. It’s been 4 months since we left my beautiful home. He got it all. Nice home nice neighborhood $ sex from every waitress. Etc.
people act like it’s common. They minimize what I’ve been thru and don’t understand the trauma bonding/brainwashing. Luckily he’s not on the birth certificate. As I think he may even have pedophile tendencies. So I get no child support. Just herpes and hpv. And nightmares.
I just need help. My baby is one and he is a gift but with a mom who is so depressed and alone everyday. I’m not a good mom.
I feel like god is punishing me. I feel like I shouldn’t have gotten him arrested and I would still be in my home. After all, like he said, “u knew I was a liar”!!!!!
He’s cheated on me with hags older looking than his mom. Screwed young girls, homely ow etc. the variety is amazing. It’s fucked me head up. Everyone always says how great I look for having a baby. I weighed 120 a week after he was born. I looked great but he says I was fat. I’m 43 and do look young for my age. But he didn’t want me and chose hideous immoral low intelligence whores to cheat on me. So it leaves me thinking I must b horrible.
Sorry to go on. I just can’t take it.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Devastated, I am so very very sorry. I hope we can give you the strength to change how you’ve been coping with this abuse. Huge hugs.

Isis
Isis
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

No one deserves to be treated this way. You are not a bad person. He did this to you and your child and you have a right to be safe. Please reach out and get help –from the domestic violence hotline or local shelter and from religious and social service organizations. The Salvation Army has a needy traveler fund that can help people get back home if you prefer to return to your home state.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  Isis

Thank you everyone. I guess I wasn’t clear. I left him in April. I don’t have a support system as I came from an abusive home. That’s why I was stuck with him. He’s def a psychopath. I’m still living in a foreign land miles from where I know (shitty) people. I’m extremely depressed. I go to a D.V counselor but it’s not helping. Even tho he put his hands in me repeatedly, the thing that’s hurting me the most is the cheating! How fucked up is that?
I’m well versed in trauma bonding, gaslighting etc all the tactics that psychopaths employ. I have a psych degree! It’s shameful. I get it but I don’t. I’m so wrapped up in the family we had. I didn’t sign up to b a single mom down south alone.
All I do Day in and out is think about him. I can’t take it anymore.

I live in fear of him taking my baby. His family making false reports on me! They saw the videos!!! Of him attacking me and our baby! They know who he is. They want to destroy me. They talked about my baby’s penis! He said its sexy!!!!!!
I reported it and no body fucking thinks that’s a red flag!!! Wtf!!! I couldn’t even get a restraining order. Judge acts like I’m the problem. I’m no good at faking things. I was crying n court. He lied and wore a great persona. Different persona than b4. Now he’s manly all of a sudden. His smear campaign is making me look “unstable” cuz I’m so shell shocked.

Nobody cares he gave me 2!!! STDs. Cheated on me with hags. Never held my hand. Yelled and was violent when I was sick. Wouldn’t take me to hospital when I was in labor till the next day! He had a headache!!!! He Screamed during labor! Then left us there.

I believe he killed my kitty on my birthday! Yelled as he was dying in my arms.
He’s evil. I’m fucked up from it. I still miss this monster.
I’ve talked to several counselors. Keep getting narcissists there too! They minimized abuse. Won’t validate me worth a shit. That’s why I’m here. VALIDATION.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Devastated – please listen to CL’s advice. I know it must feel like a very scary and dark time. Please get help and please keep coming here to CN for support. We are all here for you. Sending you hugs

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

It took me a very long time, lots of reading and therapy to understand my situation as abuse. Yelling, intimidation, belittling, cheating… those are all things it’s easy to blame ourselves for. Most abusers stay within the boundaries of the law, but just because you are not beaten, does not mean you are not being abused. The thing about emotional abuse is it’s hard to prove, and it’s even harder to recognize. It took me a really long time to understand how intermittent reinforcement keeps us hooked to hope that they will change. The worst part is, when you stand up for yourself, they accuse you of being the abuser. Staying in a situation like that keeps your mind spinning, “is it him? Is it me?” Once you go no contact and put all your energy into fixing you, the abuse becomes so clear. Once I got away and empowered myself with knowledge and self-worth, I can see his abuse for what it is ( we co-parent). I hope you follow CL’s advise. Let someone qualified to help you help. looking back, when I was at my lowest of lows, I didn’t believe there was any hope, and people telling me there was, seemed way too optimistic. I felt like no one understood; but we do understand! Not to sound cliché, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to fight for yourself to get there!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

I second CL’s suggestion, please please please contact a domestic violence organization in your area. They will provide you with the support and connections you need to get started on your recovery. Including a legal consultation: if your X is not on the birth certificate, ask an attorney about leaving ASAP and returning to your family for support!

Please read “why does he do this?” by Bancroft, as well as “women who love sociopaths” from Sandra Brown, both have websites you can access lots of great content for free if you’re tight on money right now.

You got this Devastated, you were smart enough not to add him to the birth certificate, cut and run as fast as you can to your support system.

Polly
Polly
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

My heart and love go out to you. That is an awful situation. I am sure some chumps here could advise you better than me as I am in London and am unaware of your state laws and resources.
There must be some resources for domestic violence and help for you. Is there anyway you can go home or somewhere safe.
Just please keep posting here and someone I am sure will help even if it is just to send huge hugs

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

The best part of getting rid of the cowardly liar was that even in the devastating war zone of grief in which I resided (my brother had just died horribly days before I packed the liar’s moving truck and closed the door behind his cheating ass), nobody was going to lie to me in my own home anymore. My home became my sanctuary and solace. Nobody judged my feelings or any other part of me there, so I was able to be authentic for the first time in years.

So, the first things I got back were myself and root safety in my own home.

Over the next few weeks, I discovered more and more and more things that just went better without him. The toilet was clean and the place was never permeated with the smell of colon because nobody took dumps with the door open, ever. The cats were calm and didn’t beg for table scraps (he always swore he didn’t ever give them scraps, but it became crystal clear that his lies extended there, too, after he left.) The stove was never filthy. He took everything and my dad refurnished me with stuff from storage, so I had cozy, sweet furniture and decor again.

So, the second thing I got back was a home that provided comfort for me and my cats.

After another couple of weeks, a neighbor in the complex moved out and I moved into her studio flat. It was a better space that wasn’t permeated with memories of him and our last months together. I created a new home that was only mine, one I didn’t have to coordinate with him to set up and decorate based on his outlandish expectations and tastes.

So, the third thing I got back was a home that brought me and my cats true pleasure. It was an enormous relief.

Now, many years later, remarried with two different cats and several more years under my belt, I see looking back that I did, indeed, replace a horrendous relationship with a much better one – not with the new husband (though that is better, too), but with my self. I was afraid to be alone because I didn’t yet realize that alone can actually be a pretty great place, and much better than being with an abuser.

Now I know.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Ami,
I am so sorry for the sad loss of your brother.

Your posts, Ami, to me, they tell a story, vividly, so clear.
YOU come out on top. It was not easy for you girl, but you did it. You don’t look back.
You are always encouraging to others.
Just want to say, I love you girl,
You and your cats rock!

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

“nobody was going to lie to me in my own home anymore. My home became my sanctuary and solace. Nobody judged my feelings or any other part of me there, so I was able to be authentic for the first time in years.”

So much this!

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

So much truth to this. Once they are gone, it’s like the peace after a very long storm. Every single thing is simply easier to manage. Even the usual crises that life brings are simpler to cope with because we don’t have to put so much energy into nark management.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Yes. That was so unexpected.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

“Over the next few weeks, I discovered more and more and more things that just went better without him.” I always wish I could surgically implant this truth into the mind of anyone who’s waffling about dumping a cheater. From the inside, it’s so hard to see anything but bleakness when you imagine life alone. But almost within hours or minutes of expelling them, I think a lot of people on this site would agree with me in saying the difference is surprising. All the things, big and little, that revealed themselves to be easier without him (and I had an infant on my hip at the time), made such a joyful next few months. Outside of legal stuff from the divorce, my worries were few ever since he walked out the door. Cheers to that.

chumpchops
chumpchops
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Amen, chump-tastic. I have so much TIME now that despite working full time I now have the leisure to develop a social life, read, write, pray, exercise – or just be, if that’s what I want. The grief is deep and real and sometimes devastating, but the upside is also there from the beginning of separation. I have 50% custody of my 14 year old son and the other children are young adults who are living out of home and can navigate their way to their own relationship with both their father and myself. It is hard that they haven’t cut him off, even though they saw the cruelty and escalating verbal and emotional abuse focused on me – but if that’s how they want to play it that ‘s up to them. I keep cordial relations with them but will not apologise for being the one to leave. But the peace of being away from the constant fear of explosions and anger and able to once again live authentically as myself (as I rediscover who that self is) is worth the cost. 7 months postseparation.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Absolutely. Chumps do all the work. I was amazed how much less household cleaning I did after X left, and I had teenagers in the house.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

I replaced KK by reconnecting with every close friend and family member whom I’d let “fall away” by catering to her need for attention and centrality.

And by creating a home environment for my daughters where there’s no walking on eggshells or wondering whether there’s a sudden rage or self-pity party waiting around the next corner.

If I never have another romance again, those things will have made it all worth it.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

So well said UXworld! I always felt like my life with cheater ex was off. I’m sad to say I couldn’t really understand it at the time, it didn’t feel normal, but I tolerated it and told myself I should put my spouse first. I let his need for centrality push me away from my friends and family. I wanted an open door for family, but he didn’t care for my sister and her kids so I became distant with them. I will always regret that as I can never get that time back. This was my fault and I am now trying to make amends to those I’ve lost touch with.

We saw cheater ex’s revolving door of friends only (always coworkers). Again I knew it wasn’t normal but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I got to the point of not getting too close to any wives because I knew when his friendship with the male was over, I wouldn’t be friends with the wife any longer. I suspect he is a covert narc. My only knowledge of narcs were of the overt type.

Cheater ex always came around to complaining about everyone he was around whether it was work, his family, or his hobby people. He never had a boss he liked and not a single one ever gave him the kuddos he thought he deserved for being the smartest, best in his field, etc… He was always a misunderstood, underappreciated victim in his life drama. Now I know I was in that same boat of mistreatment of perfect, misunderstood him. I hope Schmoopie is enjoying him now!!

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Eggshell eradication is glorious. I feel the same about romance. Whatever happens, happens, but for now a healthy home, a healthier me, and a calm and stable relationship with the kids are things to treasure.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Chumps should receive an “Eggshell Eradication” certificate upon throwing the losers out.

K
K
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Eggshell Free Zone!!!!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

People forget how invaluable true peace of mind is. If your daughters don’t understand that now, believe me, they’ll thank you for it later.

BlackSwan
BlackSwan
6 years ago

I took a roll of $2 bills he left behind (generous stripper tipper?) and bought the Cadillac of vibrators.

NoMoreShitSandwiches
NoMoreShitSandwiches
6 years ago
Reply to  BlackSwan

That is AWESOME!!! LMAO!????

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  BlackSwan

LOL seems pretty sensible to me.

Phoenix2016
Phoenix2016
6 years ago
Reply to  BlackSwan

LOL!! That’s great! I have a good friend who took me to the adult shop a couple months after Dday and introduced me to the wonders of those certain tools.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  BlackSwan

What a wonderfully healthy thing to do!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Hahahahahaha Love you BlackSwan. 😉

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  BlackSwan

Given what CL has said before about avoiding sleeping with the cheaters again after the goodbye, that sounds like an excellent idea.

nodancing
nodancing
6 years ago

The kids and I got really close after X left. I also filled it with yoga, school, and a boyfriend who is so amazingly sweet and devoted that I can hardly believe it.

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
6 years ago

I replaced him with happiness. I didn’t realize how oppressing he was until he left. It was like a cloud lifted. And the house feels so much lighter. The kids and I have so much fun without him around. ☺️

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Simple and to the point — love it!

Beetle
Beetle
6 years ago

My favorite song is Oo Child sung by Beth Orton. The video is amazing but I don’t know how to post it here. I heard this at night when I was in my car around Christmas of my first few months after the divorce. I had tears in my eyes as she was singing and I knew it would get better on down the road. It was something I needed to hear at the right moment.

Joy
Joy
6 years ago

I met and remarried a wonderful man and had a healthy baby at 42. Not a day goes by where I’m not astonished at how undone I once was and then how sweet things are now. Nothing is perfect but I’m well loved and have a functioning family.

FrecklesAreBeautiful
FrecklesAreBeautiful
6 years ago
Reply to  Joy

Thank you for sharing this, Joy! I recently remarried as well, and at 39, we are discussing the possibility of children. I am scared of the risks and of becoming a first-time mom this late in the game, but each time I hear of another success story it helps me feel better about trying.

My main mom years were spent in a marriage that was more of a college roommate situation, since he was in pharmacy school and I was in art school and we both worked full-time. Then I was alone for six years after the divorce, with one terrifying 3-month relationship with an undiagnosed BPD guy. That was crazy!

I thought I’d found the guy to love me forever when I spackled my way into a marriage with Deadfool, the fun, comic book-loving Cheater in Nerd’s Clothing. After a devastating D-Day followed by counseling and policing, I finally figured out he wasn’t going to give up OW or his Backpage hookers.

Now I’m truly with someone loving, stable, AVAILABLE, and dedicated to being a real husband and all that entails. I’m trying not to feel like the others stole my chance to be a mom. I’m pursuing foster care, which was my plan before my new husband came along. Whether we have a baby or not, we will care for kids who desperately need some love and attention.

I guess I answered today’s question in my reply; I’ve filled the giant space once taken up by his indifference to my pain with the love of a real man, and the promise of a child (mine or otherwise) who needs me.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Joy

What a wonderful thing to make happen. Congratulations on a life well-filled. 🙂

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  Joy

How wonderful to read this. Thanks for sharing Joy! Your name is very becoming. 🙂

Budgie
Budgie
6 years ago

I replaced an aging, self-entitled bully with – me! And I’ve discovered that I’m actually good company. I have so much more time to “live” now I no longer have to run around after that fat, miserable slug.

I’ve discovered a love of gardening and the outdoors – and opera! I get to spend loads more time with my pet rats (honestly, they’re fab pets, great company and they HATED him).

I watch Disney films, chick flicks, and nature / science DVDs and I’ve started doing loads of on-line courses. I’m tracing my family tree, and reading anything I can get my hands on (I love books). I’m re-connecting with my friends, going out more and spending lots of quality time with my mum, who is the best woman alive.

I finally have a life of my own after 18 years of drudgery. And it’s fab! ????

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Budgie

Oh, yes, I forgot about that one! He liked REALLY offbeat music, movies, etc., and hated anything “emotional”. Once I lived alone, I watched inspiring movies any time I wanted and saw loads I had missed over the preceding several years. That was awesome.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Budgie

Love all of this. You are doing you, and that you s fantastic.

Dee
Dee
6 years ago

I’ve actually been around ex a lot the last few days supporting our daughter while she competes at an important sporting event, and it’s given me a chance to think about how much my life has evolved.

To sum it up, when I walked away from ex, I was finally able to become a lot more of me. My natural attributes are on full throttle after being suppressed for so many years. I get to be as talkative as I want. As witty as I want. As powerful as I want. I feel like I am now authentically me – in my strengths, weaknesses, and everything else in between. I would have never chosen for an affair to end my marriage, but it is a such a relief to have traded in a lack-lister relationship for a chance to be the real me.

Dee
Dee
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Lack-luster. My spelling is on vacation too. ????

Digbert
Digbert
6 years ago

Who gets to buy their food shopping and put it away in the cupboards any which way they f@cking want? Bean cans stood next to pasta – heaven forbid!

Who gets to sit on the couch Friday eve watch crap tv in their PJs with a glass of wine and not worry if I don’t have dinner in?

Who gets to stroke a snuggle hairy chest every morning ? Boris, my rescue cat is the only person genuinely pleased to see me, and he’s got my back!

Who has more disposable cash to pamper themselves now the leech of 18 years has to take care of himself ?

Who alway puts their needs and requirements before anyone else? (other than animals)

Who can spot a Narc a ten paces?

Who is slowly figuring out their original identity again after nearly two decades living with a fuckwit?

Who has a better fitting and more trendy wardrobe than before (when living with cheating boring fuckwit) ?

Who regularly and happily attends shows/comedy/music events etc. on their own because they want to, and they can?

Who has more empathy and appreciation for the simple things in life?

Who can spot unicorns?

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

I love this list!!!!! I’m with you on the Friday night, wine and pj’s!! And if I want to eat nachos out of a bowl 5 nights a week, so be it!!!! LOL

free2bme
free2bme
6 years ago

Every day of the battle made me into a better, stronger version of myself. Now I know my worth. I know this is not the song post, but…My daughter played Keith Urban’s “Blue Aint Your Color” for me a few months ago- awesome! Also, Sara Bareilles “King of Anything”, and “Used to Be Mine”…Rachel Platten “Fight Song!” and Little Big Town “Better Man” because I did miss the good days. Thanks for the Kesha “Praying” suggestion yesterday. What a powerful song. I felt God speaking to me in Plumb’s song “Exhale”….and so much of Kelly Clarkson. There are so many, but thought I would share something. Thanks to all of you for sharing. Happy Friday!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  free2bme

Speaking of Kelly Clarkson…”Catch My Breath” is one of my favorites and so empowering!!! I also love the song, “So What?!” by Pink.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
6 years ago

Hm, what did I do with the space freed up from his million expensive guitars and amps, custom-made suits, and kegerator full of trendy craft beer (all things I financed either directly or indirectly because I am a chump)? I made a very comfortable and clean guest room for friends to come and stay, I took over the whole closet myself with gusto, and I got a cute little mini fridge that now holds beverages and fixings that *anyone* can enjoy (wine, champagne, soda, fruit juices, simple syrup flavored with herbs from the garden, citrus fruits, cherries, etc.). I can make a wide variety of cocktails, both alcoholic and non.

Only thing about the closet is that I may have stuffed it to the gills with dresses with a little *too* much gusto…now my new husband has nowhere to hang a single shirt. Fall project: purging, at least a bit, to make room for a very welcome roommate.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago

Once the initial survival mode, legal crap and actual divorce was finalized, I found peace. I knew it would be there, I just didn’t know when. I sold the house we lived in that he built. It was so bittersweet to leave. I LOVE where i live now. my home is cozy and colorful. It’s all mine.

I sleep better. I joined the local gym and I exercise on a regular basis. I eat what i want, when i want. I do NOT cook every night. I no longer have to perform the “good wife duties”. I plan fun stuff for me and my son. I have a social life. I enjoy my own company. I found ME. I started enjoying alone time again.(that took some time). I am reading books again.

The best and most fulfilling thing I did was go to the range and shoot with a friend and fellow chump. OMG. I bought a rifle and became a member at the range!! I freaking love it! I never would have done that while i was married to cheater energy suck. I have found friends and a talent I didn’t know I had. Let me tell you, most gun enthusiasts love to see women and children learn the skill. I got all sorts of encouragement and it has been so rewarding. I do long range or precision rifle shooting. It’s very meditative. Weird, I know.

I replaced stuffing down my feelings to sitting with them, really feeling them and dealing with them. I accept ALL my feelings and take responsibility for how I express them.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  conniered

clap,clap,clap, I just love this!

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Thank you!!! *fistpump*

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

I replaced STBX with…

Tranquility – no more walking on eggshells wondering when and where he will start raging

A sense of my own beauty – no more competing with plastic porn actresses, strippers, and watching him ogle other women.

Confidence- no more second guessing my intuition, being told my perceptions and feelings are abnormal

Retired my FBI badge – no more spending hours looking at phone bills, internet history, wondering why his phone is lighting up at 1:00 am and sending me into a tailspin of policing

Self-worth – realizing I can not control another persons behavior (though scary at first), left me one option, knowing how I’m willing to be treated. Treat me badly … there’s the door!

Boundaries – Modeling to my children (2 teen girls, 1 teen boy) that they should never allow themselves to be treated disrespectfully merely to preserve a relationship.

Self-compassion – I evicted his voice from my head telling me I am (insert any insult you can think of). Hey I’m not perfect and I’m okay with that.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Oh yes 100% dead on with the intuition. It is very active and accurate. And I listen to it even when there are no words to explain the response/reaction.

And the knowledge that we can NOT control other people bring peace. I control ME and only me. I control my reaction. I do not control others. You’re right. It’s freeing and scary.

Love your list!!!! keep going!!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I love this! EVERY WORD.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Oh and it’s weird that I’m starting to get compliments from complete strangers about how beautiful I am. I can’t ever remember hearing that when I was married. I just got back from vacation with my kids , and they were someonewhat annoyed that people kept saying that to me (at least 5 people within that week stopped me to tell me I was beautiful). I guess beauty truly does come from the inside out.

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Got-a-Brain,

I experienced this too. It’s like his leaving me took the black cloud away from over my head. I felt like I could breathe again. He was no longer sucking the life force from my soul.

I think I had never felt more beautiful than when I realized how wrong he was when he insisted that I was unattractive and that no one would want me. HE was the ugly one, with his ugly thoughts and behavior.
I thought quite a bit about the most “beautiful” people I knew. Without exception, it was about how they carried themselves, how they radiated kindness, how they treated other people, and how they experienced joy in their lives that made them beautiful.
(Case in point–my Beloved is not a classically handsome man. But he is the most beautiful creature that ever walked into my line of sight. He often asks why I’m staring at him. And of course, gets bashful when I tell him “Because, you’re beautiful.”)

So when GUBU went on his campaign of explaining how his cheating was due to my unattractiveness (among other things, like having too many canvas shopping bags by the front door–environmentally conscious, so sorry, really I am…), I decided that whatever my age, I wanted to be like the “beautiful” people I knew; kind, warm, and giving.

It’s been a few years since the verbal assault on my flaws, and I still feel more beautiful without him, although I know the pain of the experience is forever etched on my face and body.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Yes, Yes, Yes, Got-a-Brain!!!!!!!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

Ha! Perfect timing.
One of my daughters friends is staying with me for a month or so and in clearing out the space for her we found a box of plaques and things my ex had been given during his time as a firefighter. He never did anything crazy heroic, it’s more ” thanks for the 20 years of service” kinda stuff. Since he’s so self absorbed we call it his box of dreams….a delicious box of shit that affirms he’s special.
I sent a text that said I would put it on my driveway so he could collect it on Saturday. I picked Saturday because it was a day when all of us would be away from the house and since all of us are NC with him it was a way to return his stuff and not deal with him. My school of thought was that he’s an asshole, but if he came across baby pics of my kids or something I would want him to return those to me, so…
He let me know he had plans and that my time didn’t work for him and in his follow up text told me how he was at the busiest station at the county because he’s “that good” and that now he loses a day when he gets off shift because he has to sleep…..to recover from being “that good” I guess, and his time is limited.
My response?
“We all know you’re awesome. Your shit will be with my trash on Monday. Have a nice day.”
Whatever.
It was awesome because where anything out of him would of crippled me before, now it’s just a lot of me shaking my head going “Jesus Christ….really???”,????

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

OMG love this!!!!! You go girl!!!!!

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

My response?
“We all know you’re awesome. Your shit will be with my trash on Monday. Have a nice day.”

Oh, this is GOLD. Good for you!!!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

YES,
“GOLD”
for Paintwidow!
Absolutely!

chumpedAt19
chumpedAt19
6 years ago

I left the house. There were too many memories. I have my own little place now. Not furnished, but I will work on that this weekend.

The kids come and stay with me overnight once or twice a week. I try to take the best care of them as I can.

I talk to my sis everyday on the phone.

I am making new friends. I have joined several local meetup groups for divorced and separated people. I have made a couple of friends that are in similar positions and we talk a lot and vent.

I went on dates twice but I didn’t find any connection. I am not sure I should be doing that.

I am focusing more on work, improving my skills.

I dyed my hair for the first time in my life and bought a new shirt.

I am far from meh. Untangling the skein of fuckupedness and hopes of wreconciliation consume my thoughts. I try to remind myself ‘it happened’. I try to get news of what is happening between ex and OM from common friends. What I am hearing is not encouraging (for her). OM seems to be in the mood to dump her.

I need to do more… hit the gym, more social life and friends, more furniture, better cooking skills…

oneonefourone
oneonefourone
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpedAt19

You’ll get there and do more when you’re ready.

I’m a bit behind you I think. I just started looking at apartments this week and can’t wait now to line up a space of my own and get out of this house. I want to go on a date just to remind myself there is another life after all this and I can still do the whole dating thing!

I hope you enjoy picking out furniture for yourself without worrying about a second opinion and that the space becomes more and more one of peace for yourself and your kids when they’re there. x

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpedAt19

You are doing great chumpaedat19. It’s slow going at first but you are taking all the right steps. You moving yourself forward. you are mighty even if you don’t feel it right now. Don’t worry, You will. Hang in there. ((HUGS))

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

I remember once during the monstering phase when H1.0 had loudly declared his intent to leave and because he was so horrid, I started to like the idea…I made plans for the closet and bathroom space he would vacate. But Unicorny me kept spackling enough so that when he left, I allowed him to leave everything in place like a shrine or delusion that we had an intact marriage. At wreckonciliation, he easily swooped back into that spot. (cue me hitting my head against a wall)

When he died, I didnt make the same mistake…I had a few sentimental things I struggled over but mostly I got rid of his stuff and took over the space. In what was part laziness and part generosity, I spent massive cash to ship boxes of his stuff to his brothers to go through.

The most dramatic change was to the office…a large room at the front of the house. He had been very territorial and made it clear I was to bother NOTHING in there…I hung nary a frame on the wall nor curtain on the window. It was a “going-through” moment of emptying out his desk that revealed a CD rom of pictures of OW & a gift from her…they were no longer a couple (supposedly) when we moved here so why was this stuff here? (cue red flag).

A “going through” of documents stored in the basement revealed their affair was planned, unlike his claims of spontaneity.

I opted (for a lot of reasons) to stay in the house and cleanout the space he took up in my life where a truly loving and devoted man might have lived…enough so that a loving and devoted man moved in 2 years ago. He owns a house which he rents out which pays the various costs on my house, win-win !

The office I wasn’t allowed to touch? Now painted a lovely shade of dusty jewel blue with custom made 9 ft high linen drapes. All of the previous office furniture was given to my coworkers who were shocked I refused payment for it,”just come get it”. New husband bought me some amazing antiques to fill out the room…one is a lovely eastlake victorian glass front bookcase – it had an Agatha Christie novel hidden in it that revealed clues about its original owners.

I have reclaimed my space to make it a place where a good loving man would, in fact, feel at home.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

This makes me happy and gives me hope!!!! I am a new chump filing for divorce.

Nora
Nora
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore — Your reclaimed space sounds beautiful.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

unicornnomore, this is all just fantastic. It’s not the time it took, but the results that speak loudest. Way to reclaim your life!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Oh, the spot in the basement where I found the incriminating documents? That shit is all gone and newhubby and I use that space to refurbish antique steamer trunks…they are about as practical as CL’s pinecone elves, but we do it together and it makes us happy.

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I love this…cleaning house and making room for someone deserving. Perfection.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornomore,
You are amazing!
I read your above post twice.
I needed something uplifting today,
Thank you for giving me a feel good, light and happy, moments!
❤️

Phoenix2016
Phoenix2016
6 years ago

I replaced him with a bigger, fabulous house in a bigger town near the city I work in. I call it my “fairytale house” because it actually looks like it’s from a fairy tale to me (it’s a Tudor). The old house was in a small town 50 minutes from work, and didn’t have enough rooms for all the kids. In my new house the kids each got to decorate their own new rooms, plus we now have a play room and a craft room, and a great backyard with woods and a creek like I always wanted. I had been wanting to move to this town for a long time, and he always refused, even though we had no ties in that small town, and the schools are much better here.
I also replaced his ultra conservative church where I never felt comfortable with one that suits me perfectly and I am building real relationships there. It makes my soul happy every time I walk in that door.

Kiwi Anne
Kiwi Anne
6 years ago

After surviving the initial trauma – or finding a place where it no longer dominates my soul, unpeeling the destruction in a desperate bid to understand, and then reaching a point of clarity, I listed the things that were important to me and how I wanted to live my life.

From that place I met my new partner. A decent, caring, well-balanced joyful human being who is a “grownup”. A good man. Almost two years on we are still in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, being kind to each other and just enjoying each others company. He’s just moved with me to my home country. My children love him and love that there Mother is in a place of calm again.

When my husband left, or moved into the back bedroom while having an affair with the Mother of a child in my son’s class, I packed up my children and moved across the world returning to my old job. I’ve rebuilt my career and now hold a leadership position. I feel strong, much wiser and clear.

The rawness is still there. But I keep it in a separate ‘track’ in my brain. My ex still refuses to agree to a fair settlement and still wants to engage. I still actively challenge my own instinct to respond knowing now the importance of boundaries and that I’m the one who needs to enforce them..

I don’t read this blog much anymore but come back to it from time to time remembering how important it was to my daily struggle in those early years.

There is a good life ahead. Just keep walking forward. Life with a sense of self worth returned is an awesome thing.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Kiwi Anne

Thank you for sharing!!! This gives me hope!!! I am a new chump filing for divorce.

oneonefourone
oneonefourone
6 years ago
Reply to  Kiwi Anne

“I listed the things that were important to me and how I wanted to live my life.”

This is what I need to do. I feel a bit rudderless at the moment. I moved countries for my partner, so my family is all quite far away. I’ve been here five years, so have some roots here and love my job. But I’m left with little to guide me. It feels like a position of amazing freedom and privilege and at the same time it is terrifying and paralysing. I know that two months out I don’t have to have all the answers, so for now I’m planning to get my own space and continue in my job while I figure it out and start thinking more about what really is important to me and how I want to live. Thank you for the reminder that there is this to look forward to.

Nora
Nora
6 years ago
Reply to  Kiwi Anne

“There is a good life ahead. Just keep walking forward.”

^ Thank you for this.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  Kiwi Anne

It is so wonderful to hear your story of success Kiwi Anne. I stumbled upon my ex pursuing our 14 y.o. daughter’s 20-something year old assistant soccer coach. It leaves you with shock and disbelief they could not only do this to their spouse, but to their own child. The entitlement and justification in these self centered asshats is unbelievable. He left when my kids were little to pursue a howorker and we work in the same corporation. Again it’s one thing to shit on me, but to your kids? I am a year out from this now, divorce is final. I am finding ‘meh’. I am so glad to see posts from others who have gone through the storm and are clearly on the other side. I think I will always have a scar. But his shitty actions will not define me or define my kids.

BSOD_Chumped
BSOD_Chumped
6 years ago