Tell Me How You’re Mighty, Holiday Edition

Hey, it’s time for a Chump Nation mightiness check in! To the newbies, about every 6 months or so I ask CN to tell me how the “gain a life” thing is going. The holidays can be rough, and maybe you don’t feel as if have any Christmas-newsletter-above-the-fold sort of achievements to report.

We’ll take anything! 30 days of no contact. 30 hours of no contact. 30 shots of egg nog and a very ill-considered text message. Everyone can play, wherever you are in the chump journey. (Leave a cheater? Everyone’s a winner!) Chances are you’re ahead of someone else, so offer some encouragement.

I hope the further along folks here can compare their Holiday’s past to their Holiday’s present  and give the newbies hope.

A little holiday story, I’ve shared here before, from the Xmas after my D-Day (it seems like a lifetime ago. It was 11 years ago…) Cheater gave me a tie-dyed license plate cover as a gift, announced he had to work, and so my son and I drove to Ohio without him. It’s all a blur now. Just later, during the brief idiotic reconciliation period, I called him out on where he was on Xmas and he said he “forgot.”

If you’ve read my book, you know what comes next. My shrink Janet — the tiny, potty-mouthed truth teller called him out. “BULLSHIT! I’M A JEW. EVEN I KNOW WHERE I WAS ON XMAS!” She wasn’t kind or subtle, but she was effective.

Fast forward to today. I don’t waste time on fuckwits. Mr. Chump Lady and I are headed to the Midwest for X-mas and the biggest drama is that my mother wants to make a low-fat turkey tettrazeni for dinner. (All cooking with low fat cream cheese and frozen vegetables comes to a bad end. DON’T CUT CORNERS! Turkey tetrazzini needs whipping cream and sherry. So stage an intervention with your full-fat recipes if you’ve got them.)

Life gets better post-fuckwit. Promise.

Tell me how you’re mighty! Happy holidays and Love to Chump Nation!

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Lioness
Lioness
6 years ago

This is our first Christmas alone.
I am mighty. Although I am a differently – abled person I made the decision to leave the chaeter/ liar and yes I have. I lost many things/ friends along the way. My daughter seems broken but I intend to help her through the hard times.
Thanks to CN and CL I know that we will make it through with our own new traditions. We will heal together.
Love and hugs to all.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

It just occurred to me that after this Christmas there will be many more newly minted Chumps here. Very sad thought that in a few days we’ll be seeing more newbies.

ChumpyKindofLove
ChumpyKindofLove
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

Yep. New year… New chumps. It’s the circle of suck.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

Born Free, it is a shame but a truth that we will be seeing new chumps after the first of the year.

spoonriver
spoonriver
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

I’m in the middle of this already. I can’t do it. My Xmas wish is that he be hit by a truck. What do I do with Xmas anger?

ChumpJP
ChumpJP
6 years ago
Reply to  spoonriver

Anger is useful. It spurs action. Let it propel you to positive action. Move reminder crap out that you no longer wish to see. Take a walk. Make a list of things you no longer have to put up with now that cheater is gone. My personal favorite was not having to deal with his irrational road rage any longer. It gets better. Promise!

Kat
Kat
6 years ago
Reply to  spoonriver

Spoon…. use the anger constructively. I boxed up all his shit and his mother’s ugly furniture, and moved it into the garage. (He was a border of shoes, coats, and expensive crap that he never used). I painted walls, laid a tile floor, redid tile backsplash. I bought new bed, pillows, comforter, and towels new shower curtain. I felt very mighty, but also proud to make it my space, just mine. For my future anger, I bought a boxing bag, and taped a cartoonish version of his face on it. My point is find a positive way to get rid of your anger. And remember, karma will hit him someday.

Librawoman
Librawoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Kat

Oh yes! Gotta pack the hoarders things and put them in the garage. Only after months turn to years, the boxes of belongings are never picked up. Who ya gonna call? Why a group who can use the items! That’s what I did and I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted when the boxes of hoarded belongs left the garage!

Chumpfree
Chumpfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Kat

Thank you- good to be remind of this even now. I am two years out and just got hit with such anger. Thanks to your comments I will put it to good use!

Cherokee
Cherokee
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

I was in your shoes last year and now a year later, nearing meh. I woke up one day feeling better and smiling at the realization of the strenghth i never knew.
The cheater? i threw him out of the house november last year after 17 months of pick me dancing. He took shelter in his aunt’s house brought the ‘ soulmate’ there for a secret rendezvouz. They took pictures in bed and dumbly saved it in the hardisk. I found out about it, sent it to his relatives. After a month, the aunts and uncles told him to leave and take everything he owns there. Not invited to family gatherings and ostracized.
Thats karma face to fAce times 2.

ChumpJP
ChumpJP
6 years ago
Reply to  Cherokee

Don’t you love karma? To all chumps out there, it gets better. And the side of karma your cheater will receive is delicious.

Cherokee
Cherokee
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpJP

Amen to that

Trilian got duped
Trilian got duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

No mightiness here. Yet! 2nd day on Thanksgiving. Wine and me putting on the “everything is okay” mask for the kids. Trying. Hugs to everyone out there who have the misfortune of being dealt this shit hand of cards.

quicksilver
quicksilver
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

My daughter was broken too, and diagnosed with PTSD from his abuse. A few years down the road now and she is doing better than ever.
There will be better times ahead. Give her time and love to heal.

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  quicksilver

quicksilver, your note reminds me of what my doctor (Internal Medicine, not a shrink) told me – some cheated on partners go through an intense grieving period which can and has led to PTSD in both men & women chumps. I think I had a touch of it just after my D-day because in the immediate aftermath I dated and dumped several women, just to somehow get even (sick mind rationalization). My anger was misdirected, I know, and I wish I could find & apologize to those I treated badly back then. I can’t even remember their names anymore. I still think about my ex occasionally, but I don’t pine away for the “good times” we had anymore. I realize now that I had built her up in my mind to be somebody she wasn’t in reality. She wasn’t the cute loveable sweet little tart I wanted to marry….she was an evil self-centered bitch. I definitely developed the “trust that she sucks” attitude, but it took awhile. These unhappy events leave a scar, but it feels good to be free!

KeepItMoving
KeepItMoving
6 years ago
Reply to  Ivy_Tech

I’m glad you recognized how disordered your behavior was and I hope you went to therapy to address your issues with women. We aren’t targets for your rage or “tarts” (lovable or otherwise).

Lovey dovey
Lovey dovey
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

You will!!!

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Lioness, you are MIGHTY indeed! I hope your daughter’s pain heals quickly, in the warmth of your love.

Linda B Reed
Linda B Reed
6 years ago

I am mighty in that I am relying on God, myself, and my kids and thriving. No desire for toxic, judgemental people or drama in my life…too much to be thankful for and enjoy! The realization finally hit that I deserve better and am truly stronger than I ever imagined. Karma will eventually kick in…not my problem!????

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago

Well today is my 16th wedding anniversary, 8 months past dd2, first Christmas separated trying to make myself do all the divorce paper work. Since Christmas morning was my ex’s only holiday request I am now spending Christmas without my son. The upside is how much easier it is to see and spend time with my family. My life has much less drama and is less stressful in surprising ways. My ex was a dark cloud always there just to make life harder and complain. I love giving him nothing for Christmas. He had high expectations for gifts and would be insulted by anything I got him. He didn’t contribute much to my life so I don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him, of what I thought he I was maybe. Better to spend time with my family than with my ex.

woolwasovermyeyes
woolwasovermyeyes
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

I swear you just nailed it. Mine didn’t contribute, but thinks he provided the world and more. He made all holidays stressful even with his own family when there was NOTHING to be stressed or angry about!

All of my family events with my children as exhausting at 3 and 5 years old have been so much more enjoyable without his presence. My children are actually better behaved without him around. Unfortunately the ex doesn’t believe the behaviour is better.

Like for instance Christmas Day my 5 year old told my ex that his Grandpa (my dad) didn’t know my ex… and my ex took that as we (my parents and myself) are trying to erase him from my 5 year olds life (which is completely untrue, although it would be lovely I’ll admit) instead of being concerned about WHY the 5 year old was questioning it, he was more concerned about what was being said about him and how it made him look.

Ugh…

Although this Christmas was much improved over last year, even though I haven’t seen my children in 2.5 days and I am missing them dearly.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Oh, yes! I can be with my extended family on holidays now and relax and enjoy myself! No stress worrying about walking on eggshells around the abusive narcissistic assclown. No stress anticipating his embarrassing self-centered behavior or conversations.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Filling out divorce paperwork during Christmas break. That’s my life right now! You’re my life twin.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

StaryEye,
You for sure nailed it!!!!
This is my third Christmas minus exh2/The Evil One, and life is so much better for me and our Autistic daughter, and my two adult sons…
I don’t have to worry about the sulking, the bitching and whining about how not-perfect things are…
Peaceful holiday!!! Yay!!!

Unrulychump
Unrulychump
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

This is exactly how I feel. This is my first Christmas without him. We were divorced 2 months ago after 25 years together. I am still realizing all the lies. Thanks ChumpNation for all your stories. It truly is therapeutic to know you are not alone, and that you will survive

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  Unrulychump

This is my first without Cheaterpants, and I also just “celebrated” my 25th year with him (20th married). Although, he’d already moved out and spent it with his whore.

Anyway, here’s to many more Christmases without his mood swings and lies! Gosh I don’t miss having to deal with him every day.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago
Reply to  GoWithYourGut

25 seems to be a significant number. This is my first Christmas without cheater and it would have been our 26th together. Need to harness the mighty from others now as I am literally enroute home for the holidays. According to FB posts, cheater is there with side piece OW. She posted that this is “The Best Holiday Season Ever” followed by one about being there for “Family Christmas”! (My husband and I are still married!) Praying I won’t cross paths with them although he will surely take her to all of our favorite places as he has done with the other adventures they’ve had. Disgusted that my inlaws have apparently accepted all of this if they are sharing Christmas together.

ChumpJP
ChumpJP
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

To Trying to be Mighty and anyone else still sharing social media with their cheaters here is my advice: unfriend the cheater and anyone else that thinks the cheater is friend-worthy. There is no time for these losers. I admit it was hard so not judging if you can’t bring yourself to do it yet but I was much happier when I finally did.

I was with my cheater for 22 years (married for 19). Cheater’s OW must have really low self esteem if she agrees to go to all of your old haunts the narcissist cheater can’t help but share. What a heel! Sounds like they both got the boobie prize. She probably won’t say a word because OWs know deep down that they will eventually be traded for the next shiny thing and think being easy going will somehow change the cheater. Karma is a bitch. My cheater recently brought his OW on his own “best ex-wife ever” tour of my tiny quaint town. Then sent me a nostalgic note of all of the great times we had. I enforce no contact and luckily had no kids with this toe rag but I forwarded it to OW. Like I said, karma is a bitch.

As for the outlaws, they made themselves clear and helped build the character of their cheater son. Ditch them too.

Trying to be Mighty
Trying to be Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Hi, Still I Rise, I also found it horrendous with my in laws. I found out they had been friendly with the OW while he was having the affair. My mother in law met them for lunch and went out to dinner with them several times, my then 9 year old ran across a photo in grandma’s photo album and brought it to me at her house last summer and wanted to know who was hugging on daddy…we were visiting her as a family. Now it’s all out in the open though “daddy” does not want his kids to know he has a girlfriend. My MIL always says “he’s my son, what am I supposed to do? You have sons I hope you are never put in this position.” Well, I hope to hell I will have raised better men than that and I can promise you I wouldn’t be meeting an affair partner for lunch while the unknowing wife was home with the kids. Hang in their “Still I rise” I believe there is something wrong with the parents who raised these fuckwit cheaters to begin with so their behavior is not that shocking after all the cheater learned this from someone…

Trying to be Mighty
Trying to be Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

I also found it horrendous with my in laws. I found out they had been friendly with the OW while he was having the affair. My mother in law met them for lunch and went out to dinner with them several times, my then 9 year old ran across a photo in grandma’s photo album and brought it to me at her house last summer and wanted to know who was hugging on daddy…we were visiting her as a family. Now it’s all out in the open though “daddy” does not want his kids to know he has a girlfriend. My MIL always says “he’s my son, what am I supposed to do? You have sons I hope you are never put in this position.” Well, I hope to hell I will have raised better men than that and I can promise you I wouldn’t be meeting an affair partner for lunch while the unknowing wife was home with the kids. Hang in their “Still I rise” I believe there is something wrong with the parents who raised these fuckwit cheaters to begin with so their behavior is not that shocking after all the cheater learned this from someone…

nikabee23
nikabee23
6 years ago

Try to be mighty, I hear you. When I found out about my husbands affair 2 weeks ago, I went through his phone and read all of the nasty things my MIL was saying about me, a MONTH ago. Encouraging him to dump me and the kids and move on. Saying I’m fake, a mean mom, lazy, on and on. That he should find a “rich girl” next. She knew of his affair and his apartment hunting and was a-ok with it. I’ve been in this woman’s life for 21 years and thought we were close. We talked on the phone a few times a week for years and I can’t even count all of the ways I bent over backwards over the years to help her. Finding out who she is too hurts. I’m NC with her now, ignoring calls and texts and figure it’s her loss. Hang in there. I think it’s better to see who they really are then try to continue some bs relationship for the kids.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago

Right after my final DDay in July, my MIL (who lives a couple hours away) came for some work, and I found out that she went to lunch with my STBX and Schmoopie. I admit that it hurt my feelings. But I’m over it now… going NC with my MIL was easy-peasy.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Still I Rise,
I know how you feel about the in-laws…just after DDay (July 2), when she found out her son had been in a relationship again with the whore, MIL and the whore were chatting it up on FB, liking each other’s crap. I FB messaged MIL about how horrible I felt. Not necessarily mentioning the FB crap, but just in general how sucky the whole thing was. And she messaged back: he’s my son, what do you expect? I was shocked. I don’t know…I was sort of expecting a little bit of support after TWENTY-FIVE YEARS together. Even the whore’s own mother let her whore of a daughter know how horrible her actions were! I’ve since unfriended MIL and haven’t spoken to her since. Not that we talked much anyway. As the saying goes, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and my narc STBX definitely is his mother’s son.

Hope you have a nice Christmas and don’t run into cheater pants and his whore. YOU ARE MIGHTY!!!

HappySingle
HappySingle
6 years ago
Reply to  GoWithYourGut

GoWithYOurGut

I had a similar experience with my in-laws. I was still hoping to put the marriage back together, but their response was ‘He’s our son, we have to support him.’ I thought I was part of the family, but the OW was just immediately taken in.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  HappySingle

Funny thing is…Schmoopie is almost EXACTLY like my MIL. You know…narcissistic. And as Schmoopie used to be my “best friend” years ago, MIL and her have known each other for years, and always got along. They’ve always had so much more in common than me and MIL.

And KBChump…WOW! That’s so low!! Good for you for not responding to it. You’re so much better off.

kbchump
kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  HappySingle

After 24 years together and my ex wife cheated and left I called my MIL soon afterwards, she pretended she didn’t know who she was talking to on the phone and said May I ask who’s calling even though my fucking name pops up on the screen..I knew right then how this game works, hung up and never spoke to her again. She immediately called back and left a voicemail but I never responded. I’m not playing that shit. That was almost 4 years ago.

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago
Reply to  HappySingle

but remember, she can be cast out just as quickly, and undoubtedly will be. If they have no loyalty after 25 years to you, then how will they be when Schmoopie wears thin?

And probably all before next Christmas. You were probably the best thing ever to happen to their worthless son, and one day you will be held up as an Ideal Wife, to the fury of him and his various new schmoopies who traipse through.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Unrulychump

This is my second Christmas and I too, am still realizing the lies.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

“I love giving him nothing for Christmas.” Me too!!

I gave and gave – time, effort, planning, cooking, cleaning, shopping wrapping, planning, baking – I cared because I loved – to get an uninterested, surly, asshole who had to be cajoled into turning off the TV to join the kids and me in holiday events. And I cared enough to research, hunt down, and buy gifts that were meaningful and exactly what he wanted while he shopped at the auto parts store. Really. One year the kids and I got flashlights, spray ice melt, and latex surgical gloves (so you don’t get gas on your hands when you’re at the pump).

This year, my 3rd without him, is good. It’s still not perfect as DD will be hosting him and OW Christmas morning and I’ll miss her and her husband and my dear granddaughter at Christmas brunch, but I will have Christmas Eve with them and the rest of my family.

I (evilly, I think) kinda revel in the fact that adult DS will not have any contact with Shithead (son is completely NC and has no problem enforcing his boundaries) and will spend Christmas Day with me – DS wants nothing to do with Shithead and his (as DS told Shithead) “adulterous trophy.” Love that kid.

We’re having friends for brunch and planning a fun day instead of the tense, miserable days of years past and I’m so looking forward to it!

I am happy and content – hang in there, new chumps, it DOES get better. LOTS BETTER!

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

Geekmom,
I (evilly, I think) agree with you!! Whenever my adult daughters communicate their distaste at my Shithead’s actions, I’m sorry (not sorry) to say that my heart glows a little (which I recognize is not exactly a healthy way to think/feel). I try not to revel in it too much…but after what he did, he deserves to lose his family. And I also try not to think too much about my desire that they would ALL go NC with him, and totally write him off. But I know that won’t happen.

And I’ve mentioned (ad nauseum) in many other posts, how I wish my 16 yr old daughter wouldn’t desire to spend so much time with him. Just wish she saw past his image control crap and saw him for the true person he is.

But oh well. At only 5 months post my 3rd and final DDay, I’m doing pretty well, and am looking forward to Christmas dinner with all 3 of my daughters, because, as he put it, “I do have plans throughout Christmas Day.” So he’ll get them first thing in the morning for presents and breakfast, and I’ll have them Christmas Eve AND the rest of Christmas Day.

Hope you enjoy your festivities with your kids!

Dave K
Dave K
6 years ago
Reply to  GoWithYourGut

I feel my ex wife doesn’t deserve a relationship with our son after what she did. I also feel a bit guilty about feeling good about my son going no contact with her after she left us for another man.

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  Dave K

I feel your pain, man. Sorry you got hooked by an amoral narcissist.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

StaryEye, we’re you married to my ex? Totally the dark cloud…. AND he would repeatedly say he didn’t want any Xmas gifts, then if we got him something anyway, he would judge and complaIn about it ….unless it was super expensive. How could I not have understood who he was, far earlier?

Much more peaceful Xmases since I kicked him out.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

He used to tell me how he would eat anything because he isn’t picky. It doesn’t matter how many times he said it, it wasn’t true. After 16 years I can say there isn’t anything he is happy with. He is unhappy eating out and unhappy if I cook. Even if I cooked and cleaned up it was no good. Did he cook? Once a year. I have to feed my kid so some choice is required. It’s like he makes it so no matter what I choose he can attack me for it. No one wins. Except now I can do what want and no one attacks me if the sink has dishes in it. Mind you I was the one primarily working to support the family.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

This: “He didn’t contribute much to my life so I don’t miss him.”

Hang in there, Stary. Things get SO MUCH BETTER. <3

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Very true….the past few years with skankboy he did not contribute anything of value. As a matter of fact, it only made my life harder. Hasta la bye, bye, idiot!

Janet
Janet
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Yes!! You have so much more time/energy/happiness to give to people who actually deserve (and return) it when you leave a cheater. I’m experiencing the same thing and it’s just the best. Merry Christmas 🙂

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

StaryEye,

You mailed it. “My ex was a dark cloud always there just to make life harder and complain.”

Bravo for you. You got the toxic out of your life. Stay strong.

menopausemommy
menopausemommy
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

I’m in same situation. I found out about all the cheating and lies this past April and I’m smack in the middle of a divorce. Unfortunately my cheater and I share a business so no contact is almost impossible. However, I do enjoy a more drama free life for sure and our son, who’s six, seems to be ok for now.

Okshoppergirl
Okshoppergirl
6 years ago
Reply to  menopausemommy

I am in a very similar boat. Middle of the valuation of the companies right now but we still have jobs together, so there are really bad days when the communication we need to have for work purposes makes things work. Trying to just stay professional and make it through. Hugs and reach out if you ever need to, it’s a rough road trying to separate a marriage and a business…

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Stary, have a wonderful Christmas with your family! The firsts soon fade and you have light!

Janet
Janet
6 years ago

I blocked him in EVERY way and am having the best Christmas I’ve had in years… relaxed, with MY family. No put downs from the in-laws while cheater scurries away with his tail between his legs. That was always attractive.

The further back he is in my rear-view mirror, the happier I am (in more ways than one)! I haven’t been dating (DDay from a 5 month relationship was less than a year ago), but even my vibrator makes a better boyfriend than cheater. Hell, becoming a nun would be more sexually satisfying than being with him, lol.

Not really accomplishments (yet), but a few months after cheater left I applied to law school (currently waiting to hear back)! I’ve also just finished semester one of an MSc 🙂 [Cheater hated that I was in school because it took attention away from him, in all his unemployed, drug-snorting glory.]

As for cheater, I got a voicemail from him the other day. He was hoovering, asking me to call him, all sad-sounding.

No thanks. You can keep your misery to yourself.

Hang in there, Chumps!

All the love & merry Christmas ❤️

hittheroadchump
hittheroadchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

A vibrator is on my list of things to look out for on boxing day sales. I’m planning to make an investment.. 😀

Gilley
Gilley
6 years ago

Lelo- those Swedes know their vibrators. ????

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Gilley

Hitachi: those Japanese, too!????

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
6 years ago

A vibrator, body pillow and an electric blanket replaced my ex in the bedroom and are better and more useful than he ever was in every way.

lynn
lynn
6 years ago

I bought one earlier this year, it is great !! Always ready, no sudden failures at the wrong moment and does what I want !

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  lynn

And the BEST part about the vibrator? Not having to get tested as I did the 3 Times during our Marriage/ or ‘Wreck’ conciling worrying about STDs . Multiple orgasms and thrills AND, I just never have to worry about my vibrator penetrating strange anymore. THAT enough is a turn-on. Seriously… Best $79.99 I spent. 😉

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Good for you!

Janet
Janet
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Oops, correction, *5 year relationship! (I WISH I would’ve only wasted 5 months on that loser)

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Janet

I’m sure it felt like 5 minutes – held under water.

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
6 years ago

My personal view is (nearly 5 years split) there will be tinges of painful memories. If someone cheats on you they don’t love you. It is not about you its about the cheater. My ex tried to dump me on Christmas day!, I think you have to make life easier for yourself. (easier said than done). I always put myself second, now I don’t. He put me though some terrible experiences, but life goes on. Don’t waste your life on them.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan Devlin

SD, “I always put myself second, now I don’t. ” This statement is powerful!

For me it is a slow process but small steps compose a long journey. I have noted the little things in my head and given myself a pat on the back when I don’t apologize for not always being there for everybody else. Eg. I was out shopping, came home late and had no dinner plan. I made no apology (twice)! My kids are old enough to fend for themselves and so what if we don’t have all the food groups and a sit down dinner 365 days a year. Best part is no-one complained and and I didn’t feel like a failure because Fuckwit wasn’t there to covertly berate me give me the cold shoulder.

Gilley
Gilley
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I read this:

I miss your smile….. but I miss my smile more.

PeaceAgainPlease
PeaceAgainPlease
6 years ago

I am coming up on one year since DDay #2 where I kicked him out and filed for divorce. He had a long time affair with a ho-worker. I’m so much more peaceful and spending the holiday season the way I want to. I have participated in church events he never wanted to go to, visited friends and family, and spent so much less time worrying about all the gifts and materialistic aspects of Christmas. It feels great! Fuckwit has the kids for Christmas morning. My only hope is that he can finally feel one bit of all that I used to do to entertain his family, cook, wrap, and clean. I’ll be lounging with my sister and her sweet little girls drinking coffee on Christmas morning. I survived the hurricane that my asshole ex caused and I only plan to keep rebuilding but stronger. CN and CL propelled me forward this year and I’m forever grateful for this community. A little Kesha helps too (“Praying”). Stay strong CN! It really does get better.

Justine
Justine
6 years ago

Nearly 9 years after leaving to gain a life and losing my home in the separation process, I have just purchased a house again for me and my children ☺ So happy I won’t be renting anymore!

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Thanks for sharing that news @Justine – thats the one pill I find hard to swallow, losing my own home. BUT I have hope that one day I’ll make it happen again – just like you did! Congratulations

mocham
mocham
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Congrats! You are mighty – buying a home! Second Christmas without ex- he leaves today for a week. That way he doesn’t have to deal with his adult children and grandchild. Hope he and whore have another wonderful vacation! I will have a great time with my family! Moving into a rental in a few weeks- family home sold. I hope to buy when this settlement is done. Hae a freat time!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Congratulations!

Dave K
Dave K
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Congratulations Justine!! That’s great!!

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Oh my gosh! Congratulations!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Yay for you Justine! Congratulations!

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

That I awesome Justine! Very proud moment for you!! Congrats!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Congratulations!!! 🙂

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Terrific news!! So happy for you Justine! Merry Christmas and I know your New Year will be extremely happy, setting up house that is YOURS!!

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Congrats! Merry Christmas!

AuntieMame
AuntieMame
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Congratulations! May your home always be filled with love and laughter.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

Wishing all Chumps everywhere a cheater-free holiday season. Tracy is correct that getting the disordered out of your life makes it better.

After 30 years of marriage to a lying, verbally abusive cheater, I am now 2 plus years post-divorce. I can say that the joy of the season is back. The Christmas concerts, cookie baking, sending cards all gave me joy once again. I can even concentrate enough now to read books again. I have read 6 this week. I’ve also met a ton of new people, and am learning a new language. I am delighted that the effect of the trauma, grief, and shock were temporary. My goodness, it’s great to feel energetic and joy-filled once again.

Take heart, Newbies. It does get better.

Siobhain Egan
Siobhain Egan
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

I’ve just started reading again too!
It’s amazing how much of a life can get stolen by liars/cheaters!

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  Siobhain Egan

My cheater had stated when we first started dating (25 years ago) that he hated when one of his ex girlfriends read, and he’d prefer if I didn’t. I kept right on reading because it was impossible not to, and I didn’t take him seriously. But there did come a time, YEARS later, that I let his petulance get to me, and I slowly stopped.

Over the past year or so, I’ve begun reading again, and after DDay, I felt a little giddy when I actually splurged and bought a brand new one! Not a used one from the library.

And I now realize that the reason he doesn’t like anyone he’s in a relationship with to read is because reading takes away from his egocentricity.

Battle-tempered Lionheart
Battle-tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  GoWithYourGut

A man who is threatened by reading? Reading??? Wow. That is off-the-charts insecurity. That is going to be in my Top 5 most memorable CN things.

Unless they are being hurled with great speed, books are not threatening.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago

LOL

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  Siobhain Egan

I just noticed that I stopped reading novels etc after d-day. I just got absorbed in “save the marriage/ cheater books.” Ill be getting back to reading more interesting stuff now!

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

I stopped enjoying novels with romantic interests because I’d heckle. “Oh, hun, you know he is a narcissistic fuckwit and bad news. Don’t try to fix him. You can do so much better!”

chumpchops
chumpchops
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

Yes, exactly this 2nd gen chump. I had started writing romantic fiction too, in the last few years before leaving stbx; now I can’t. And my novel that was published makes excruciating reading for me now – it is full of all the abusive manipulative behaviour used on me for years. And saddest of all, I wrote the happy ending that I didn’t get – an abusive man who changes his ways because he loves the heroine.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Good to hear it gets better. Even though life is less stressful and drama free I still have a hard time reading novels, listening to music or watching movies. Forget Christmas cards. This happened after DD1 also so I know it won’t last. This is the last time I am getting over a broken heart because of my ex. Not going to give him the option to break me again.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

This is been one of the biggest losses from the whole thing—the lost ability to enjoy literature. That had always been my passion. I have a degree in English literature and I used to read at least two novels a week. I couldn’t even get through a chapter after D day one. Three years out and I can now read short stories. Progress!

AuntieMame
AuntieMame
6 years ago

I kicked the loser out last Christmas Eve. The few days after that I refer to as the Epic Meltdown of 2016. I destroyed the Christmas tree, every ornament we had collected over the years, and a few other decorations. #noregrets

My anger fueled me through last year. This year, the anger is gone and it’s replaced by nothing but peace. I’m going away the week between Christmas and New Year’s with a friend. I wasn’t going to decorate, but I bought a little tree anyway and hung the stockings.

I’m sure him and schmoopie are all cuddly and sweet during their first Christmas together. But I will always have the upper hand. Because I know the truth, how he cried, how he told me it meant nothing to him and it was a stupid mistake. What she’s getting for Christmas is a lowlife, losing cheater coward, a hoarder and a borderline alcoholic, who cheated on two wives, and who likes erotic massage parlors. And I got peace and quiet, a better life, more closet space, and to keep my pride and dignity.

Happy Holidays, Chumps! We are on the path to a better life.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  AuntieMame

I got all of his crap out of my house and garage as well as his stink. One day, I walked into my house and thought about how good it smelled and realized it was because HE was gone!

And the more closet space? YES!!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Oh yes, I now have 2 closets and the kids get a laugh overtime I say : oh, that is in my off season closet.

WarriorPrincess
WarriorPrincess
6 years ago
Reply to  AuntieMame

I love your story and I am envious of your closet space. : ) Your story is inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I believe things aren’t as rosy and wonderful with the unfaithfuls as we imagine. You have the most wonderful Christmas gift ever and schmoopie got coal in her Christmas stocking.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago

I was so worried about this Christmas. I had a fabulous time. Stayed up Christmas eve until three in the morning with my girls. I laughed so hard I could not sit up. Can’t remember what was so funny but it was awesome!! We all got up early to watch 3 year old open presents. We took naps today. Now we are making convince store pizza and playing leggos. Thanks Chump Nation for giving me a place earlier to express my anxiety over what the holidays might bring.

lost wishes
lost wishes
6 years ago

Divorced 6 months after a 35 year marriage. I know this Christmas is going to be difficult, but it will be minus the chaos and drama my ex and his mother always brought to the holidays. I worked so very hard to make everything perfect for my children during the holidays and somehow, it was never enough. He would come in around 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve after being at the bars and lunch with “friends while I worked my butt off to pull off a great party for his 50 plus family members for 25 years. Not once did he help, not one single year, not one single thank you. For the last 4 or 5 years on Christmas morning after opening presents he would leave the house with bags of boxes and wrappings to find a dumpster, he would be gone for at least 2 hours finding a trash bin. My gut told me he stopped by the co workers house, but of course, he never admitted it. This year, I am going out to lunch on Christmas Eve. Yes, this is the first year in 25 years I can relax and enjoy my friends even for a few hours without the pressure of hosting a huge party. I am having my daughter, son in law and new grandson over on Christmas Eve and I know it will be peaceful and filled with new beginnings. My wish for all of us this holiday season, is not to look back at my old memories, but to live every minute in the present, to be grateful for what we have, and to share with others the goodness of this wonderful season.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  lost wishes

LostWishes

I love that it’s no longer your job to do all the heavy lifting. You hit on a number of things he lacked namely appreciation and respect. You described a very selfish entitled Asshole just like the one I divorced.

Great new beginnings for you! Enjoy the peace!

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  lost wishes

Best wishes
I know what it’s like after 34 years of being abandoned & left for a white trash OWhore.

I discovered his long term affair, kicked him out then divorcing him. This is my 2nd Xmas without the dirtbag. Life is hard now especially financially but my son & I are doing better. The Whore he left me for died few months ago…Karma hit them .

He’s now living in his cousins basement. But I have no compassion or empathy for him.. he treated me cruel & humilated me.

This holiday i am more content being on my own. So many years of living with one you thought loved you then discovering he never did hurts.

We chumps are all Mighty for what we’ve been through but rising again to live a honest life.

Happy Holidays to everyone here on CN ???? ❤️

stayin strong
stayin strong
6 years ago
Reply to  lost wishes

Lost wishes, I think we were married to the same person! Every Christmas Eve, he would stroll in after hours in a bar after I had been cooking, wrapping, shopping, cleaning, assembling toys, etc. He’d tell me how tired he was and go to sleep while I stayed up all night making sure everything was perfect. Prior to Christmas the kids and I would go pick out the tree and get it set up. He would sit on the couch and tell me I should move ornaments to different places. God, what an asshole. This is my 4th Christmas without him and each one gets better!

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  stayin strong

It does sound familiar that we all seem to have been married to the same person. All his holiday traditions came from me and I used to call his family “holiday challenged”. No traditions for ANY holiday as his NARC mother escaped early November and returned just in time for Mother’s Day to “hold court” (pay homage to her for being such a good mother!) Married 35 years….a Catholic girl and after having recited the Lord’s Prayer a gazillion times, I have found new meaning in “deliver us from evil, Amen”. God has answered my prayers! One year post divorce and I find that a lot of my Christmas spirit is gone. So is the stress and exhaustion of all the work and having to deal with in laws. One irony is that they can no longer have certain “recipes” which were my specialties. I am working on my new reality but am at peace.

Merry Christmas to all us Chumps.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

NotMyFault, I had the same epiphany with the Lord’s Prayer too. The folder for all my divorce paperwork is called “Delivered from Evil.” Three years ago I was talking on the phone with my sister who lives out-of-state. And I was telling her that I was afraid of my ex. And she asked why and if I was afraid he physically hurt me. I said that no I didn’t think he’d physically hurt me, but he just scared me and I didn’t know why. Now I know why. Because deep down he’s really evil. He truly is the mean, cruel, selfish, lying cheater that I thought he was even before we got engaged. He’s not the “nice guy” that he presents to the world. Once you see someone for who they truly are, you cannot unsee it.

DESdemona
DESdemona
6 years ago

I don’t miss him- not one bit!
I am spending this Xmas overseas with my sisters and parents.
My new life, the new confident me- I am loving every moment.
Took 3 yrs to get here.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

Rhys and I were each other’s summer flings for two summers, and Mac and I had only just started dating a few weeks before Christmas the brief time we were together. On the contrary, Ben and I got together in April of last year, and we’re now engaged.

We’ve made a tradition of going to see the lights and having eggnog afterwards, and we’ll use tonight to wrap presents and tomorrow to build a gingerbread house. It’s from a kit, but I don’t think that matters, do you?

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Here’s to building something new with Ben !

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Gingerbread is fun whether from a kit or from scratch. Sounds fun!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

I second that motion – the decorating is more fun than the baking/cutting for me. 🙂

I guess that’s sort of an analogy for chumps — we don’t have to bust our chops trying to make perfect gingerbread from scratch. We can use what’s already made to do the job and just have fun with the people with whom we love co-creating a beautiful home. 😉

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago

I left the STBX in August and headed off on my Road Trip to Meh. Since then I’ve driven by myself from Maine to California and back to New England, visiting with loved ones and meeting new friends along the way (including chumps). I have always wanted to experience Christmas in jolly old England, so I at this very moment I am in the UK visiting friends who live in London. We are just back from a few days’ holiday in Ghent, Belgium, where we enjoyed the Christmas festivities in that beautiful old city. In a few moments we will be out the door to see a Christmas pantomime play.

I have no idea how Woody and my niece are spending Christmas, but it certainly won’t be in the bosom of my family!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Wow! So envious! Have a wonderful holiday with your family.

HAPPY
HAPPY
6 years ago

My daughter and I will be moving tomorrow- out of the house we’ve had for 14 years (and the only home she can remember) and into an apartment.

My 17 year old daughter amazes me. She is wise beyond her years. Her bullshit detector is fine tuned and she knew it was best to go NC with her narc dad on her own.
She will turn 18 in a few weeks and is already mighty. She found a better paying job, picks up milk when we are out, and took her bunny to the vet on her own. I’m so proud of her.
I hope all those years she saw me put up with bad behavior, and the behavior she endured with her dad (and I shamefully had no backbone to intervene) won’t turn her into a chump.
I hope she will never turn out like me- an adult who was financially dependent on a man.
I will keep trying to be a mighty role model for her… She saw me kick him out of the house on dday and was right by my side for some serious adulting and taking care of business which will help her for her own independence when the time comes.

2018 will be the year in many that is toxic free!!! I look forward to reading CL and all the mighty comments here.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  HAPPY

Happy,
It made me happy to read your post!! I understand your comment about putting up with bad behavior from cheater pants, and hoping it won’t affect the kids negatively.

Sad you have to leave the house…I’m doing everything I can to keep mine. My 18 year old daughter suffers from anxiety and back when I couldn’t take seeing the whore (my neighbor) drive past my house anymore (before DDay#2), I cried out that we were moving and started checking out houses on Zillow. Hours later, I found her up in her room, still crying over the thought of leaving her home. Broke my heart.

Merry Christmas with your babies, and keep on being Mighty!!

HAPPY
HAPPY
6 years ago
Reply to  GoWithYourGut

Thanks for all the love and support!

New Beginnings- congrats to you and the next chapters in your life, written only by you!
My daughter and I plan on moving in with my sister after she graduates. I’ve lived away from my family for years now and cannot wait to have them closer, especially since my daughter is an only child.
I’m glad you have your mom. I hope you both have fun doing things together!

GWYG- I’m trying not to break down and cry about moving (instead feeling control by staying focused on the move keeping me busy and realizing how great a new place without narc ex memories in it)

My daughter is feeling sad too. We look around this house- memories of movie night on Fri, slumber parties, the starry night view from the backyard with sad finality.

You and your daughter’s sadness makes you GOOD PEOPLE who feel, who appreciate the years you’ve had together, who are grateful with what you have and cherish it.

Good luck in keeping your house. But if you can’t- try to see the positives in letting go (remember all the old places holding memories you’ve moved away from in the past? – you take those good memories with you!) and starting over in a new place. Look forward to all the experiences you will create with your daughter in new surroundings.
Sending you good vibes and much love! xo

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  HAPPY

Happy,
You aren’t kidding about the memories!! There are good and bad, but currently, even the good ones seem tinged with bad feelings. I try to push those away and focus on just the positive aspects.

NewBeginnings
NewBeginnings
6 years ago
Reply to  HAPPY

I am also moving in the next week from our home of 25 years. I made the decision to get the crazy roller coaster of lies and deceit in Sept. Since then I’ve filed divorce papers (16 days and counting until it’s final). Sorted, packed and moved 25 years of family stuff to a storage unit. Worked on getting the house ready for sale (still needs some paint). And rented an apartment to live in until I can find another place to buy.

My children and family have been so supportive. Particularly my mother who is living with me and helping me with the transition (she and I will be living together in the future.)

I still sometimes have a hard time believing that he really sucked, and could have led a double life of cheating and lying to me for 25 years while I applied lots of spackle! But then I remind myself that he didn’t even put up a fuss when I said I was done – he is just moving on with his life. He really is toxic and I can’t to settle into a better place in the coming months.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  HAPPY

Way to live it!!!!!

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  HAPPY

Sending love and hugs to you and your daughter. Best wishes on your move.

Pret
Pret
6 years ago
Reply to  HAPPY

Great for you showing your daughters how Mighty you are!

Chumpedbuthappiernow
Chumpedbuthappiernow
6 years ago

This is my fourth Christmas alone after a 23 year marriage, and the first one when I am officially divorced. It is the first Christmas in a looong time when I feel happy and not stressed. The kids are happy and so am I.
I was a stay-at-home-mom while I was married and only had a part time job at the time of separation. Now I work full time at a fulfilling job (I work for the library, bringing books to people in assisted living/nursing homes).
The cheating ex always made me feel incompetent, but I have found that I am good at my job and a very good mother. He is a loser and my life is good. He actually did me a favor by cheating, because now I am rid of him!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

What a cool job! That’s awesome!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Congratulations!, thanks for sharing, people like you are the role models I need! Like chump lady said, further along …

Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
6 years ago

This is my third xmas after DDay#2 after over 27 years together.

Chuckles the embezzling cheater always insisted on staying at home for xmas so he ‘could be near our girls’ – I believed him. Our two daughters had died (2002 & 2007) and we had their ashes at home. I believed he needed that although I didn’t think to question the year we went to Australia for xmas to be with friends. So when another friend always invited us and our son to spend the day with them he always used the girls as an excuse not to go.

xmas#1 4m after DD#2 I stupidly let him come for the day. I basically left him and our son to it and just hoped he wouldn’t ring Slaggy-Anne and upset our son. A tortuous painful xmas but I did enjoy not removing a couple of dog hairs from his plate before putting the turkey slices on it. OK OK I put them on there…

xmas #2 – I was strictly NC for the previous 10m (once financial separation signed) and he had abandoned our son for the previous 6m so my son and I went to the friends and had a good time

xmas#3 – we expect to have a good time at the friends again 🙂 Son still abandoned btw even though we have been at the same event a couple of times and abandoned by the XMIL for some reason? Apple/tree etc.

Funny thing is he doesn’t give a crap about the girls since he left. He hasn’t been in the house since xmas#1 and didn’t even want photos of any of the kids NICE

Using dead children to get his own way was added to the list of reasons to be cheerful he left. The trash defo took itself out.

To newbies out there – the first xmas will suck but after all the firsts are out of the way it will be just fine. Trust they suck and trust your life is going to be fine without them

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Love your story (sorry it is sad but it has a good ending).

While the first Christmas can be sad, you remind me that it isn’t necessarily. I also want to update any interested chumps on a situation you all helped me with and it turned out well.

Last Christmas was 6 mos. post dday and I was moving from shocked pick me dancing into knowing I was done and divorce was the only good option. Fuckwit had had nothing to do with the kids for 6 months but was suddenly inviting them to dinner and wanted a Christmas celebration with them. They were not interested and stood him up for dinner one night. This angered his mother and she abruptly uninvited us for the usual Christmas Eve celebration with them, Aunt and Uncle and Cousins. This was a standing event since fuckwit was young. Not only did she uninvited us, she cancelled the party with Aunt and Uncle.

Not having to go under the circumstance was a big relief for me. The kids were highly offended and determined to have a good time alone. We went to the Christmas Eve celebration at our new church and opened presents Christmas morning. After, we went to a movie: Sing which was surprisingly inspirational. It was a great Christmas.

This fall I reached out to CN about how to handle invitation to cousin’s wedding that fuckwit was also invited to and made the decision to not attend but sent her a nice gift and wished her well. We did go to the rehearsal dinner where he was not invited and had a nice time. All good decisions.

The beginning of December fuckwit’s cousin calls me and says Christmas Eve is her favorite holiday and she was so sad last year when it was cancelled. She said she did not want to go through that again and wanted to do Christmas Eve with us. She had never heard the full back story of why it was cancelled last year and when I told her about the kids standing up their dad for dinner, she said I wasn’t going to mention this but: it turned out Fuckwit had stood her up for her wedding. No call, no nothing. (He lives only a couple blocks from the venue.). She was livid. She proceeded to tell me it was nice to hear the other side of the story and said she does not think fuckwit’s parents (her aunt and uncle) are handling this well at all.

So this Christmas, we are hosting Aunt, Uncle, cousin and her new husband at our house. As for Fuckwit, we have no idea what he or his parents are doing and happy they are silent for now.

So thanks CN for good advice and here’s to another happy Christmas!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Just read your post Feelingit,
Awww, you make my heart sing.
Truth, it always fits right in where it belongs.
I raise my glass in a toast to you and your loved ones this Christmas.
Your post is upbeat, like you!
Stay Mighty!

Wishing Christmas Blessings,
Peacekeeper

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago

For the past year, my little sister, Southern Chump, has been going through a terrible custody battle with her cheater first husband and his Owife, SC’s former friend and next-door-neighbor. I’d like to add that rarely a week goes by without some type of drama being incited by one or the other of them or OWife’s henchwomen, her middle school-aged children. In the midst of all this stress, SC was verbally and, for the first time, physically attacked two weeks ago by her brand-new sparkly second husband, a handsome businessman she had met through work. During the attack, he threatened to sabotage her custody case (thank God the children were at her exes that week). He also took her car keys so she couldn’t escape and smashed her iPhone so she couldn’t call for help. When she tried to escape through the garage, he stopped the door with about a two foot opening, and she dove head-first through the crack while he started dragging her back in by her feet. Somehow, using only the strength in her arms, she managed in one last effort to propel herself forward and break her legs free and escape, running down the street covered in blood. She managed to call the police and had him arrested. Upon my advice, without changing her clothes, she went to the local domestic violence shelter, in our town that’s the YWCA, and had photos taken and gave an additional statement to the one she had already given the police. She took out an order of protection and got her injuries Xrayed and treated at the Orthopaedic urgent care clinic. The next day she found a dog-friendly apartment in the kids same school district. She was fortunate to have the help of a couple of family members, plus a beloved fellow Chump friend (you know who you are!!!!!) come help her pack her things, and in a Christmas miracle my cheater ex-husband also came over at my request to also help pack and slept on her sofa overnight in case her husband showed up in the night. On the third day post-attack, her coworkers showed up with a Uhaul and had her moved into her new place by 6:10 pm. She celebrated by going to dinner with a close friend and fellow survivor. She spent the weekend getting the children’s rooms set up before their return. Monday she returned to work and hit the ground running to start making up for her lost three days the prior week. She arranged to take off early so as to pick her kids up early from school (before they walked/took bus to the wrong home) and break the news to them in the comfort and safety of a close friend’s home. She held them let them cry and express their disappointment and when they felt ready she took them to dinner and then to pick out Xmas lights for their new place and finally to see their “cozy” new home. The rest of the week was fairly “normal” with getting into a routine and working hard at her job (which I might add is a fairly new one of about 4 months). She did get a new cell phone and got her lawyer going on the divorce paperwork. On Friday her boss called her into the office and informed her that the big boss from “corporate” needed to meet with her Monday afternoon. She worried all weekend that she was going to get fired. This past Monday came and she apprehensively attended the meeting. She was told they were so impressed with the work she was doing at her local office that they were promoting her to the corporate level to provide direction for all of their locations nationally. She is spending this weekend soaking in epsom salt baths and finishing setting up the rest of her apartment. Southern Chump, You. Are. Mighty. I love you baby sis.

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

This is an amazing story. So much mightiness on the part of Southern Chump herself, and so much mightiness from those in her corner. When people stand behind those who stand up to abusers it reminds me just how much goodness there is in this world.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Rock on SC!! I’m sorry he turned out to be a psychopath, but YOU are mighty. Hit him back hard through the court. Do what has to be done, then get on with your life.
????????????????????????

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

THE MIGHTIEST!!❤️❤️❤️❤️

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Her mightiness made me cry.

Finally Awake
Finally Awake
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Holy Crap. Where to begin. So sorry that Southern Chump is and has been going through such hell but what an inspiration of a human being. Wishing her the most amazing New Year possible.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

This brought tears to my eyes. Stay strong, SC, and here’s hoping your STBX receives a heaping helping of prison time for Christmas.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

MissDeltaGirl,
BEST Christmas story ever!
Thank you for sharing at such a busy, hectic, “Merry Christmas” time of year.
I believe in miracles.
I believe in your amazing Sister and in all the Angels who helped her in her time of need.
Mighty, Mighty, Mighty!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

OMG Southern Chump, I am so sorry you have to endure so much!!! You are in my thoughts, and I wish you and your children (as well as MissDeltaGirl) a peaceful Holiday Season and best wishes on your new job opportunity! Stay strong!

ElleB
ElleB
6 years ago

Funny, I was just laughing at fuckwit last night as I crawled into bed because he’s such a loser. My house is peaceful and beautifully decorated for the holidays. I get to binge watch Hallmark Christmas movies whenever I want. But best of all, my son came home from college last night. We had dinner at our favorite sushi place and are going to try the newly opened Mexican restaurant later this weekend. When he wakes up this morning we will share coffee and laughs. He will be here for a week of FAMILY Christmas activities. And I am blessed.

So, I laugh at fuckwit and all he’s missed. Does he even know? Does he even care? This will be his 7th Christmas without his son. I hope Schmoopie was worth it. Merry Christmas to me!

And merry Christmas to all of CN! I come here everyday and you all are the very best!!!

Pret
Pret
6 years ago
Reply to  ElleB

His loss which he truly deserves! Can’t understand how someone could give up being with their child…. oh only the truly disordered can do that. Well….you guys rock on without him because life really does go on…happier with no bs.

paula
paula
6 years ago

Six years from day and soon to be five years divorced.

My first Christmas post d-day was a nightmare – just too much misery and cruelty and humiliation to detail. But even in the midst of that anguish, I knew that as humans, our number of Christmases are limited. Somehow I felt determined to carve out a gentle and memorable Christmas for me and my (then 14 and 19) kids. So after 26 years of marriage and all the associated traditions, I switched up EVERYTHING and made it a holiday for our new family of three.

This year, although both my kids and I have very significant and wonderful people in our lives, we are holding our new traditions sacred and honoring them by circling into our unit of three. It has become the sweetest time of the year and I am grateful and humbled by the universe’s generous offering of redemption and healing after unimaginable heartbreak.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  paula

Love hearing about how you created these new traditions and strengthened your bonds with each other.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago

The best part of being a long-time member of CN is that I don’t even remember how many years post divorce I am! OK, I do know that my one and only DDay was September 2010, BUT the great news is that I would have to think abut when the divorce was final and I don’t even care enough to waste my thoughts on that.

Life is so much better. The holidays are now wonderful, surrounded by my amazing sons and daughter-in-law. We have created many new traditions and memories; so many happy photos to wipe out the old ones. We laugh, love and grow together. It is amazing!

Recently someone asked where my ex and OW work…I couldn’t remember! Not that it isn’t public information or that it is a secret but because I don’t care! How great is that?

My kids were 18 and 23 and I told them every single detail. They have been my rocks and have gotten me through some very dark days. I was hospitalized twice and am on anti-depressants; now on a low maintenance dosage. I decided to be very public about my situational depression because it was the result of things a horrible person did to me. I’ve been interviewed, had my photo in newspapers and made a video seen on the internet. I am proud of how I clawed my way out of the many, many dark holes that his choices put me in. It wasn’t easy but now I am a warrior.

To those who are in early days, imagine that someday you will be the hero in your own story, have people admire and respect how you survived what was done to you, have the respect of your children because you have survived and lived to tell the truth and can stand tall and move forward one step at a time.

It WILL happen; be strong and mighty will follow.

May 2018 bring each of you peace and strength.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Great story Rebecca! We have a similar timeline in that my dday was also in 2010. I stuck around for three years of wreckconciliation so I didn’t rid myself of the cheater until 2014 but it all seems like a distant memory.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Beautiful story and words of encouragement.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago

I’m almost 6 months out from DDay#3, almost 5 months since he moved out, and about 1 month since he moved officially out of the house next door to me. (WOO HOO!! Him and Schmoopie aren’t LITERALLY living dab-smack in the middle of the two chumps!)

My mighty moment for Christmas is to standing strong and saying NO to his suggestion that he could come over Christmas morning to watch our daughters open their presents. While I didn’t say it, I thought the following: No, you don’t get to come here for Christmas morning. You CHOSE your whore over your family. You don’t get to do “family” moments anymore, because you shit all over your family.

Whenever I end up talking to him (only for kid or divorce related stuff), my anxiety level goes up to infinity, and I try to say as little as possible (Gray Rock!!). But because of his master ability to manipulate, I spend the entire conversation on heightened alert, trying to decode/decipher his words, because I don’t want him to inadvertently con me into anything.

But I am SO MUCH HAPPIER without his toxic presence in the house. I am getting the house in order bit by bit (he had a wonderful habit of bringing construction supplies he had for jobs into the house and just left the stuff EVERYWHERE!).

I decorated very little this year, but enough that it looks like Christmas. And I’m praying that my divorce can be finalized in January, so I can tackle getting the house put into my name and just be done with it all.

Wishing everyone on here a belated Happy Hanukkah or Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

Four years ago just weeks after D’day I was a shell of myself, I felt invisible. Little did I know that my world was about to be rocked to its very foundations on new years day with the diagnoses of leukemia for our then 9 year old DD.

Four years on and DD is in remission, has been for two years and just completed her first year of high school.
Eldest child Son now 18 who exposed his fathers porn addiction a week before D’Day is now an apprentic grounds keeper and doing well.
Cheater is now someone else problem and I can actually stand within a few feet of him without my heart wanting to bang out of my chest. Everyone from my old church just acts like I died and I am ok with that, because leaving the cheater in my case was not enough I had to leave them too, to gain a life.
ME!
I am two assignments and 40 overall clinical hours away from achieving my Bachelors in Counselling and Psychodynamic Therapy.
This year I have also returned to being my creative self engaging in a small drama group that has lead to a few small film projects and even clowning at a recent Christmas event with an audience of 3000+ people at each show, six shows in total.
My goals for 2018 is to find a job now that the home front is stable and even possibly start dating, because I am no longer a shell, I am a whole person.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Beautiful, beautiful story. Prayers for your daughter’s continued good heath and for your studies toward your new career. Just think of all the people whose lives you are going to touch in your new role. The world needs more people like you.

Cheryl
Cheryl
6 years ago

Last night I rolled home around 2 am after a great evening out with friends who’d flown in to the UK from far afield. I didn’t have to fret about moodiness from the ex. I didn’t have to justify myself to anyone. I just had belly laugh fun. It was bloody awesome in a relaxed way. I cannot believe that I used to ask permission for him to have the daughter so I could go see friends occasionally. There is a very happy life on the other side of the rainbow.

Iowachump
Iowachump
6 years ago

My D day was Dec 1, 2016. I kicked him out that day and filed for divorced a few days later. I’m very proud of myself for doing that! And for never doing the pick me dance! I cried everyday for 2 months though. Being discarded REALLY hurt.

With the help of YouTube, I’ve been learning how to fix things around the house. I’m also going back to to school (degree undetermined) in January at age 42.

I found this site this summer, and it has helped me SO MUCH!! My life is so much better without the narcissistic! He immediately moved in with shoompie when I kicked him out. She has an OWI, lost custody of her daughter, got fired this year, (& obviously was fooling around with my STBX), she sounds great on paper, huh? He’s no prize and neither is she.

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
6 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

Iowachump, We have similar story, DDay Dec. 4 2016, kicked him out that day and I filed on Dec.8. So second Christmas since DDay. I am still in a lot of pain but not paralyzed like last year. Grown children and grands spend time with both of us, I encouraged that in the beginning, when I thought there was some hope, but now it just pisses me off. He is living life like he is Yertle the Turtle, the king of it all, and not moving the divorce along. Christmas will be calm ,dinner with the children, no drama. I have hosted a small gathering of girl friends ,who are supportive. I am talking to a builder , about a new town home, and reconnecting with old friends.

A better life waits. I will be 62 in June and married 40 years, unless he allows the divorce before then. You Tube is awesome, the first month I repaired a leaky seal on a toilet, truly a high of accomplishment. So glad you are 42 , with so much life to live. Try to find the joy of Christmas, and keep it all year.

Chumpfor21
Chumpfor21
6 years ago

Merry Peace-filled Christmas to all Chumps!

4 Years of A Better Life for me.
I am mighty in that I’ve built a life I never thought possible. Bought a home faster than I ever imagined after the financial devastation wrought by ex, and renovated much of it. I take care of my dog family (Thunderpaws and Trailer Park Guy – Love at first sight for both of us), and I am spending a quiet Christmas with the people I love (My granddaughter is the sunshine of my existence). I do what I want with my money, go where I want on vacation, and spend time on hobbies that I have always wanted to do. This year’s new hobby is learning to snowshoe.

When I read the new chump stories, my heart breaks. It’s still ok to devastate a family and lives. For sex or ego or just because. So much abuse in the name of “love”. No wonder I only want dogs.

This blog saved me. Started my healing. My Christmas prayer for all of you is that you find your real life, without drama and abuse. Without Tracy, this wouldn’t happen. Thank you CL and CN.

To all New Chumps – it doesn’t feel terrible forever. Read that again. It doesn’t feel terrible forever. You will have a life again. You will forgive yourself for the wasted time and the missed or ignored signals. And from the wreckage you can recover and thrive.

Merry Christmas to you all.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

For a little over a year, I like cheater come in my house for his parenting time. In February, I kicked him out after he threatened to tell the kids things I did when I was 19 to try and disillusioned them against me. I haven’t let him back in the house since.

But here is my current dilemma… He lives with the OW, my two older kids refuse to go there, and the youngest is medically disabled and cheater has never bothered to get training to care for her which means he cannot take her. Bottom line is that he has nowhere to share even an hour with them to give them their gifts. Only my oldest daughter is even willing to go anywhere with him. Do I let him come in for an hour to have a Christmas with them?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Oh hell no. HELL NO. He can take them to a local restaurant (even McDonald’s or some other cheap chain) and do Christmas there. He fired you from your job as “supportive parent.” If he can’t even do the training to take his disabled child, he’s despicable.

Don’t be chumpy about this. You cannot manufacture a dad for your kids. The very kindest and most loving thing you can do for them is let them face reality at a young age, rather than gaslight them about dad caring. Why do people lose their minds about Christmas? You aren’t alone in wanting to manufacture some idealized vision of their lives. Love them, have a tree and a nice dinner, do some family stuff, get them presents. Your XH hasn’t even asked? Good lord. He’s hopeless. Your kids will not be the first or only kids with one parent who is a selfish fuckwit. You can’t “parent” for him.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Yesterday, I told my daughter that I would not be reaching out to their dad to make arrangements for him to spend time with them at Christmas. That was his to do. Nor was I going to open my home after all of the disrespect he had shown me.

Then last night she tells me that dad is coming Christmas Eve (today) at 3pm. When asked when this happened, she said yesterday. It appears that he had already communicated that to her when I told her I wasn’t going to let him in. She hates being in the middle. She is only 14. She doesn’t want to do much with him but she does want to see him every so often. He is content taking her to dinner for 60-90 minutes twice a month during his weekends. He never actually takes the kids. And my daughter is good with that amount of time.

So, now he is coming today at 3. It is pretty cold outside So his visit probably won’t last long. I’m sure that he will portray it as my being a bitch and unwilling to foster a relationship and time with his kids. But seriously…if he got training, tried to have a conversation with his son besides a quick text message a few times a month, and made reservations at a restaurant, we would not have this stupid drama.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

You said it sister! He’s pissing me off!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Is there a third party residence that would be willing to help (a family member, maybe)?

Honestly, I would avoid letting him in after what he did. Holding your boundaries is as important for you as it is for your kids to see.

So sorry you have to deal with such a jackass. Here’s hoping the rest of your Christmas is happy and relaxing!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

He hasn’t asked. Truth is that he hasn’t even said a word to me about making arrangements to see the kids. He instead sent a text to my older daughter asking when he could stop by to give them their gifts. I hate that she is in the middle. And she hates it, too. She desperately wants peace but I have refused to fix what he broke or arrange play dates for him.

But I am a chump and it’s Christmas. And staying hard on boundaries is not easy for me especially when I want to make things better for my kids.

My oldest hasn’t seen his dad since February. He doesn’t seem to have my issues with boundaries. He will not go anywhere with his dad. But if his dad is at the house, he would probably come down to see him.

And my youngest doesn’t go with anyone unless they are trained in CPR and emergency seizure protocol. He only sees her for 5-10 minutes in the garage when he comes to pick up my older daughter for dinner twice a month. So, finding a third party to host their Christmas is not an easy task. And organizing that would fall on me which is a lot more work than letting him in for one hour.

Just sucks. And I come across as the one not being generous and caring by not creating a way for him to have with them. I KNOW that it is not my doing. I KNOW that if he really wanted to have that time, he would get trained, find a place to live on his own so the kids had a safe and comfortable place to visit their dad. I KNOW a lot of things but it doesn’t completely squash my desire and need to make things better for my kiddos. And it’s Christmas…

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

This is no longer your circus and he is no longer your monkey. In other words, you are only responsible for what is yours.

My son called me and said his dad was texting him asking if I got another phone number because I wasn’t answering his texts or phone calls. My son knew damn well that I blocked his father and haven’t spoken to him since the divorce was finalized. His father told him that he wanted his name off of the mortgage. I told my son that he needed to set boundaries with his father. He needed to say that he did not want to be put in the middle and that he could try and email me. Your daughter needs to say the same thing. She needs to tell her father that she does not want to get in the middle and if he wants to come over he needs to contact you for permission. Then have her no longer comment on the matter.

As far as Fucktard goes, he did email me that he didn’t want to go to the lawyers, but I needed to cooperate and get him of the mortgage. Fucktard was too stupid early on to realize that the deed and mortgage are two separate things so he signed the deed over to me without understanding he is still financially responsible if the mortgage is still in his name. I’ve been paying it since I booted him out, but he whined in his email he wanted to buy a new house and couldn’t if it showed he already had a mortgage. I really wanted to reply something nasty, but after making him wait a few days for a reply, I emailed him I was happy to cooperate. He just needed to fill out the attached forms, pay the fees and I would file the paperwork. When I threw the ball back to his court, I got crickets. I was married to him for over 20 years and knew that he would not take the responsibility to do anything necessary to make it happen. I don’t know nor do I care what excuses he’s giving his new wife, aka cumdumster, but it’s not my circus not my monkeys.

P.S. I don’t have to pay him his 1/2 of escrow from last assessment until DD#2, an amount set at a no more than figure which is very low, until I sell the house and there will be no interest and no penalties. I have no plans to sell the house. I may even rent it out when I no longer want to live here. He really is stupid.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

He sounds just like my STBX. He wanted the divorce but has done nothing to make that happen. I have had to take every legal step. He loves to accuse me of dragging it out and wasting money but his side has not proposed a single thing and he turns in everything late and incomplete. It boggles my mind.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yep. Of course it (whatever it may be at that particular time) is always someone else’s fault. My son told me after his wedding that his Fucktard father borrowed his vehicle to make to 6 hour drive for the wedding. Fucktard’s vehicle doesn’t get good gas mileage that if they had married locally he would be fine, but since they decided to marry elsewhere, he needed to use his son’s vehicle. And cumdumpter’s vehicle has a lot of maintenance issues and will never make the trip. They have three after-all, so what’s the problem. I left teeth marks on my tongue from biting it.

The upside is during the same conversation my son told me that after the wedding Fucktard was driving in the snow and rolled his truck (not my son’s truck) on the highway. Again, biting my tongue to ask why I wasn’t contacted so I could get out a chair and some popcorn and enjoy the moment.

Stigofthechump
Stigofthechump
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

You know what, if he really wanted to he could have arranged to pick them up or meet them at a restaurant or hotel that he had booked for the occasion and exchanged presents/spent some quality time with them. But he is using your boundaries to pull the sad sausage routine and as an excuse for his lack of motivation/organisation. Where there’s a will there’s a way as they say. He’s quite happy putting the ball in your court to make you seem like you’re being difficult. Steve it back to him. Merry Christmas!

Stigofthechump
Stigofthechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Stigofthechump

Serve!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I know it’s super tough. However. Here’s two cents from me.

Children do not decide when people visit your home. The parent(s) in charge of the home decide. Any person who wants to visit your home needs your permission. If everyone understands that your child doesn’t make the rules, including your child, then your child doesn’t have to truly be in the middle anymore, at least in terms of owning the planning. (Sounds like your cheater is going to triangulate as much as possible, anyway.)

Any person who shows up unannounced is uninvited and you have no obligation to allow any non-resident to enter.

Your house, your rules.

Setting boundaries is hard. Not setting them can create challenges that are even harder to handle sometimes.

Easy for me to say, I know. I’m rooting for your empowerment, but I can’t know better than you what’s right for you. I fully support whatever you choose. This is just two cents to consider.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\

This

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Thank you. And I agree. I am just beyond tired at the moment. The last 2 weeks have been rough with new job, sick and seizing baby, prepping for depositions, and getting ready for Christmas along with sole parenting. Some days it is just hard to keep those boundaries. You all save me from caving!!

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

(((hugs))) (((hugs))) (((hugs)))

GetMeFree, you are so Mighty and this shit is sooooo hard. I remember those days, I was a total Chump back then – it did not end well. Your kids are so lucky to have a sane parent who has her head on straight.

Don’t doubt yourself

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Getmefree, you do have a lot on your plate right now! I am praying for you! A sick child tops the list of high stress events. For me, you don’t even realize how much those depositions take out of you until after they are over.

Your fuckwit did you a favor when he fired you from the stressful job of being his wife so stick to your resolve and don’t do it anymore. He can solve his own problems or not.

Much love to you!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Love to all of you, too. I was struggling over not fixing the situation. I normally do better with those boundaries. Just seemed harsh with Christmas. But you are ALL right. He has it in his power and control to solve this on his own. He is choosing not to.

With that, I am going to start my Christmas holiday. Merry Christmas, everyone!!

We are all stronger together.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Classic chump. Evaluate your motivation. You don’t want to be seen as the ‘bad’ person. Fact is you aren’t. Whether you make overtures or not. It is his circus and his monkeys. Let him handle how he will deal with this. He’s probably happy to avoid the kid hassle. Do your children seem bothered? Have a talk with them and see.
You do your part.
Sounds like you are trying to placate etc. Not your job.
If God forgives cheaters He sure can forgive you for not orchestrating a gift exchange. Cut yourself some slack!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

“No” is a complete answer. Let him find an open coffee shop or someplace public. That’s his problem, not yours.

Do the kids go to visit his parents for any Christmas activities? If so, he can meet them there and give them the gifts.

NC is the way.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

His family visits us (as in the kids and I). There is very little cross over between his family, the kids, and him. Partly because he cannot take my youngest daughter. Partly because my son won’t go with him. And partly because STBX doesn’t even try to organize.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Seven eleven, open 365. 🙂

Seriously, I love the option 3 presented here, I just think a public non-residence might make more sense (because nobody else needs the drama, either) and maybe it’s not on the actual day (because why change your plans at the eleventh hour?) Just thoughts to ponder.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

GMF, he’s using the prospect of presents to bribe some kibbles from your kids – like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This is a teaching moment for you as the sane parent to say, we don’t let a Wolf into our house just because he is holding a few video games.

Their father can always mail the presents or leave them at the door, but that is his problem to fix – NOT YOURS. His relationship with his children is his problem, too – NOT YOURS.

(((hugs)))

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Second this. At my 18 year old son’s deposition, fuckwit’s attorney asked DS what fuckwit would need to do to restart a relationship with him. He first answered that was a million dollar question and when lawyer looked confused he replied “he would have to do a lot of things.” “For starters, he needs to man up and be an adult.” He went on (by the way, fuckwit couldn’t be there as he was taking boat to Florida. Priorities)”Why am I here, I am 18 years old and in high school. I am missing 2 tests today.”

My point is that this is not going to be fixed by showing up with a gift on Christmas. A package arrived in the mail for my other son from fuckwit yesterday. I assume is a gift and it is under the tree. Maybe more will arrive for the others. He has not initiated any contact with any of the children since the end of September. Any real attempts at reunification would mean continued attempts no matter what day of the year. I can’t imagine waiting until Christmas and holidays to express “love” for my children. Inlaws are the same way. Phones work 365 days a year. Kids aren’t holiday props.

If he doesn’t know where to start or how to fix this, it is not your problem. He really does know what he needs to do though, he just chooses not to do it. He doesn’t want the responsibility

I don’t know what kind of gifts your fuckwit gives but mine does not even come close to the category of bribe and kibble is a stretch. It feels like some sort of shirt. Whoohoo! He says all the time he is not going to buy their love. No doubt.

If he can’t adult, I say too bad, so sad. (And it is for the kids but unfortunately that is their reality and we are left to teach them not to repeat it.)

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I second Feeling It: “Phones work 365 days a year. Kids aren’t holiday props.” Yes, kids need their parents on Mondays and test days and game days and skinned knee days and nightmare days and report card days.

“Kids aren’t holiday props.”

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

He spends a lot. Lovebombing is one of his specialities. He refused to help pay for the kids’ sports fees but then will turn around and spend twice that in Christmas gifts.

Battle-tempered Lionheart
Battle-tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Same here. Bills unpaid, I have to get scholarships for school tuition and rely on the church and other nonprofits.
In the meantime- tons of Christmas presents. Why? He desperately needs to see himself as a Good Dad. He cares about that far more than he cares about his kids.
It’s disgusting.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

I think it is because those other things involve us. Either he has to give us the money to help pay for those things or they are for things that we have signed the kids up for. Even though the final recipient is for the kids, they cannot separate that from seeing it as giving us money.

Where Christmas gifts go directly to the kids and usually fulfill what the kids want (and not just about what they need). And that is impression management.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Well, let him spend.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

P.S. If he was even close to serious about wanting a healthy relationship with his children, he would get the medical training and say Merry Christmas! but he is a sham, he is making a poor attempt at image management and I’ve no doubt he will just blame you for alienating the children. Stay strong, he lies and you know it.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Exactly. He does not want any responsibility. He does not want to make choices to put his kids first and consider what they may need or want. I knew this blog was where I needed to come to reinforce why I shouldn’t try to make this better. Thank you.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Spot. On.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago

3 years post-Dday and 2 years post-divorce, I am proud to report that I am no longer as triggered by his drama and I can stay Meh for longer stretches as I navigate shared custody with my cheater X.

I am on more solid financial footing, making progress towards my certification, and my kiddo is doing fine. We are flying out to see family today and I know I’ll enjoy the peace and quiet that was never there when he was around…

Here is to less drama in 2018, thank you CL and CN for being there to provide an amazing place for solace and support to recovering chumps everywhere!

Sugarglider
Sugarglider
6 years ago

It is 10 months and my first christmas alone in 19 years. I was enjoying our relationship, there were no arguments and last year’s christmas went like all the others. But then in Feb he just walked without warning or explanation and I have not heard from him nor seen again. So …. I am not expecting a present. I have had a few passing thoughts about … “oh I don’t have to worry about him”. This year I did not do an 8 hour steamed pudding for the first time in over 25 years. Stuff ’em. I am tired of being taken for granted. A very close friend, lives near my sister, and so I staying Christmas Eve with her and she wants me to stay for 2 nights – saying that staying only 1 isn’t enough time for us. I can’t remember when someone explicitly expressed a desire to spend more time with me. that’s my christmas present.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider

There is nothing like true friends during our darkest hours. Please spend as much time as possible with them and let her and let this be the first of many new traditions. It gets better, I promise. I was married for 26 and still remember standing in the grocery store the week after crying at the milk because I no longer needed to buy a gallon and got the quart instead. Now I hardly think of it at all. I’m wishing you and all Chumps Comfort & Joy.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider

Bless you. It’s so hard to endure a true discard, the no explanation type. (Been there, so I know). But how wonderful that you have plans with a friend like that!

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider

Sugarglider – merry christmas to you. I hope you have a lovely time with your friend x

MMargaret
MMargaret
6 years ago

There’s a song for this: Hard Candy Christmas on an album by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, modelling beautiful strength in sadness over the holidays.

Ali
Ali
6 years ago

It’s been 4 years now since that terrible discovery that the man I married had a very active secret sex life with prostitutes. It happened just before Christmas — right around this time. I am doing much better, but it takes time. My advice to fellow chumps is to be patient. The healing process is slow, but you can trust it. You WILL feel good again. You have been traumatized by the shock of discovering that your life was not at all what you thought it was. Recently, I have begun sleeping well and having moments of real happiness again. You will begin to experience so much gratitude for all of the small things in your life that you may not have noticed before. It will feel really good.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago

13 months since the sprout left. Last Christmas I was still in the dying days of wanting to do it all Gwyneth-style so had him over for Christmas Day with the kids, although he had a massive temper tantrum when I told him he couldn’t do the same on Boxing Day. This year me and my children had our Christmas celebration with my mum who had flown to stay with us. It was absolutely lovely – and so nice not to feel stressed about having to do Christmas on Monday. We played games and laughed – the sprout was so uptight, you could never do anything like that.
The sprout’s parents are staying with him and his new wife (married her 5 months after departing, we were together more than 20 years but not married) currently. My younger daughter is going to spend the full day with them on Monday (fine by me as we have had ours already and I can take another year when it is more important to me then) and my elder daughter, who after everything he has done towards the children over the last year has now refused to go to his house for the last few months, is going to spend a couple of hours in the morning at his house as an exception. I am pleased not to have to see his awful mother – who was a bitch to me both during and following the end of our relationship (fed by him too, I now realise).
I don’t always feel mighty but I guess I am. I am still standing! Better than that – this year, as well as supporting my 2 special needs children both generally, and through having their father leave and marry someone else within 5 months, I have rehomed 4 horses (to good homes), sold a large rural property, carried on working (more hours) at my relatively high-stress job – and just bought a new house which we are due to move into in mid-January! Also in the last couple of days, all of the paperwork for the financial agreements has at long last been finalised.
I am feeling a little worn out – and definitely in need of the 2 weeks off over Christmas, but I am so content just to rest and think about 2018 being a year of peace and rebuilding. I’m not sure what exactly but with the sprout as far as possible in the rear-view mirror.
This Christmas I’m definitely in a much better position than last Christmas – and I hope that next Christmas that will be more true again. It is good to hear the stories of the longer-ago chumped on here!
Merry Christmas – and, most of all, a wonderful cheater-free life in 2018 to all at CN! Xxxx

Janet
Janet
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Dear OutOfSparkles,

Congratulations on everything you’ve been doing! Wow… especially with buying a new house – that’s just incredible 🙂 I am so sorry to hear about how that train wreck of a person treated you… feeding his mom lies about you – what a cowardly way to be. Mine would do very similar things and then scurry off with his tail between his legs when his family treated me poorly as a result.

I’m sure the feeling of being discarded for someone so quickly was awful (((hugs))). Just give it some time. These people love to create their own misery and in a few years sprout and shmoopie will be very busy dividing their time between divorce hearings and STI-testing (have fun splitting assets, bitch). Of course, you won’t care because you’ll be so happy in your new house, with your new life 🙂

You were just too good for him.

All the love and merry Christmas!!!

Janet

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Oops – meant to read, we had our Christmas celebration with my mum last weekend!

Soaring
Soaring
6 years ago

(Copy/pasting my post from the forum a few days ago.)

My D-Day was one year ago today, less than a week before Christmas and two weeks before I was to be Matron of Honor in my best friend’s wedding. Needless to say, those events were some of the most difficult of my life. The sadness and disbelief was bone-deep as a trudged through them. My clearest memory is of having to climb up into my attic (a task STBX had always done) to hunt for my toddler daughter’s Christmas stocking on Christmas Eve and being so incredibly sad and beaten down and not believing what was happening to me. I wept in that attic, but I eventually found our stockings. Even though I had begged him to stick around the house for the holidays to take care of our daughter while I did my duties for my friend’s wedding, STBX had abandoned us to spend the holiday with the OW three states away, so not only was I going through the most horrific event of my life, but I was also solo parenting our daughter.

Well, I made it through those excruciating holidays, even though I was a zombie with tears running down my face for much of them. I made it through the following dark and lonely weeks and months. I made it through the torture of “My husband doesn’t love me anymore,” running through my head on a loop from dawn until dusk. I got two jobs to support myself and pay the mortgage on my own so my daughter and I could stay in our home. I solo parented her when STBX disappeared to visit the OW for days at a time. I went on YouTube and learned how to replace the pane of glass on the front door after he slammed it in anger. I raked the leaves, I shoveled the dog poop, and I went up into the attic many more times – all things STBX used to do. I filed for divorce. I paid all my bills and kept my daughter fed, clothed and happy. I saw my therapist and did the work of grieving, accepting and even becoming excited by my new reality. I started to realize how hard my marriage really was once I was out of it. I made a lot of mistakes in the past year and will probably make many more, but I also feel a sense of peace and power I’d never felt in our 17 years together.

My STBX is now living with a roommate and isn’t a terrible co-parent (so far). His relationship with his “soul mate” OW who he was “in love with” has crashed and burned. Recently he begged me to take him back, promising that he could make me happy and that he realized his mistakes and what he gave up with his stupidity. (It was a hard “no” from me even as I felt a new rush of sadness for what was lost.) I even have a little crush on someone new who is so different from STBX; I don’t know if anything will come of it, but just the idea that I could meet someone reliable, kind, empathetic and honest is an amazing feeling.

I’m so grateful for this blog and forum. I know I would not be where I am today without reading everyone’s stories and messages of support. The site has kept me angry when I needed to be. It has given me hope for my future when I needed hope. I’ve still got a long way to go but thinking about how far I’ve come in the last year is truly astonishing. To anyone in those early days, weeks and months, IT DOES GET BETTER. Things you wouldn’t even dream of are possible. I realize how lucky I am in many ways: no STDs, no financial infidelity, no narcissism (just a regular old selfish shithead), great family support and – so far – a 50/50 co-parenting relationship that allows me the freedom to do what I want on the days my daughter is with her dad, who loves her very much and is a good father. I am lucky. And, best of all, I am excited for my future, whatever it holds!

AuntieMame
AuntieMame
6 years ago
Reply to  Soaring

Soaring, you are mighty indeed!

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago
Reply to  Soaring

(((((soaring))))) hugs to you, you have come so far in just a year! Definitely mighty!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

Remarkable, Soaring! Might, indeed!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  Soaring

The hard no is so very mighty soaring!! All of your story is mighty.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago

My husband was a first-class “Moment Ruiner. Picture having a newborn, three- and five-year old on Christmas morning, running to the tree to discover that “YES! SANTA CAME!!” It was magical!

Until I noticed their father wasn’t in the room. When I called upstairs to tell him to hurry so they could open their gifts, he barked, “Christ! Can’t I shave and take a shower first?!”

So I made my kids wait for their Dad. By the time he came downstairs (had to blow dry his hair, too), all three were in tears. Spackle Queen tried to salvage the moment, but Dad spent the rest of the day giving me the silent treatment for “rushing him.”

I no longer have to deal with that fuckwit. Holidays are festive instead of scary now! 🙂

Merry Christmas, Chumps! I adore your strength!

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
6 years ago

Gods, what a puke.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

Good Lord, what a fuckwit. Too bad his hair dryer didn’t fall into the shower with him.

So very glad you and your beauties no longer have to put the pause button on your joy!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

I hate him just for making the kids wait.

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago

I am not very mighty. But I made a promise to myself last night that I am done trying to beg my STBX to pick me. You see, I am incredibly angry at him for destroying our marriage, but for some reason I am having a hard time letting go. A REALLY hard time. I am sending him cute selfies daily of me and showing off my slimmer figure, I have even invited him over for Christmas if he doesn’t have plans with his Schmoopie! (who the fuck does that?!?!- I am off my rocker!) I guess I just didn’t want him to be alone on Christmas since he was only home on R&R for two weeks… but chances are he DOES have plans with the old cum dumpster, he just hasn’t found the right words to let me down yet. (He’s probably saving that rejection for Christmas day I guess). Last night was the last straw. He will respond to my texts, emails, and calls with vague friend-zone type compliments and then say “Ok, have a nice night.” Which I assume if I put that through the UBT it would spit out, “Ok, fuck off now.” So I need to take a BIG hint and leave this dude to make BIGGEST mistake of his life which is leaving and divorcing me. Happy Holidays CN!

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Dear Chump Lady,

I am completely and utterly indebted to you. It was recommended to me in another forum to get your book. I bought it on Amazon and literally read it one day. I have actually read it twice. It sits on my nightstand as a reminder to stop being so fucking weak.

I log in to TheChumpLady.com every morning to read the latest post, and I read everyones replies to get the stories and perspectives of everyone on here. I guess because I am looking for more strength. I also have read each post in the Archives from the conception of this blog. I have just recently found the forums and they have helped me too.

Since the final D-Day in August I have been volunteering with my local Salvation Army. Kettle Bell Ringing, volunteering at the VA, and I even worked in the soup kitchen on Thanksgiving and I plan to so the same for Christmas lunch.

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I hope i didn’t make you roll your eyes too much with my naivety and weakness. I was with my STBX for 12 years and this is the first Christmas I have ever been without him or his family and it is tearing me apart. The thought of him sharing Christmas with another woman or her children hurts me to the core. I’m going to quit my bitching though! You are a badass and your satire and wittiness is just what i need each morning to get me through each day a little more empowered.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Chumpin,
Another thing I reminded myself of which helped me avoid contacting my ex-boyfriend both times he dumped me was by staying away from him and improving myself (I was slim but lost nearly 20 pounds the first time he dumped me) and looking happier made me more appealing to him. I had/have virtually no chance of ‘winning’ my ex-boyfriend back, but doing the Pick Me Dance lowers the probability even more–and is hard, often humiliating, work!

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStar,

Yes I have been “improving myself” ever since he told me I was not adequate several years ago.

I noticed that the more I reach out to him the less and less he reaches out to me. If I leave him alone for several weeks, he starts trying to reach out about random things just to talk to me. I guess I make myself look pathetic and desperate just like you say. Thanks for helping me notice that!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Chumpin,
Just want to make sure that you didn’t misconstrue what I said as implying that you should feel humiliated for doing the Pick Me Dance. I was trying to say that I sometimes felt humiliated looking back on ME doing this dance. Really, NONE of us should feel bad (humiliated) for doing this as we truly love(d) our partners. We were just performing for an audience that could never be pleased. It does help, though, to also remind ourselves that WE DESERVE BETTER! And there ARE people out there who would appreciate all the work we put into Pick Me Dancing–who are worthy of our efforts because they are loyal, grateful people who truly love us.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Chumpin,

I don’t think that you need to improve yourself now or needed to in the past, especially not for your jerk cheater. I want you (and the rest of us genuine chumps) to feel the happiness that is long overdue! I am just sharing my story of repeated Pick Me Dancing for various partners at various times to show you some of the different potential outcomes–not to make you feel worse.

Another thing I try to keep in mind to maintain a more balanced perspective about the S–t sandwich we face is I miss not my partner but the person I THOUGHT my partner was or might be for me. We unwittingly fell in love with and committed to people who have S–tty character, or what some chumps call Pod People. Those of us who truly care about others and have been clumped, and especially those of us who hold the ‘I’m going down with the ship’ and ‘I won’t quit the Pick Me Dance until I drop,’ really do appreciate you!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago

Classic narc behaviour on his part.

RSW, I don’t know if you are interested, but there’s a book called ‘Don’t Call That Man!’ which really helped me to get to the bottom of my pick me dancing and emotional pursuit of men. The written exercises are really helpful.

I had a nasty breakup earlier this year, and this book helped get me through it.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Lola,

Thank you for sharing this resource. I hope that you feel much better now than you did at break up. I wish you much happiness.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago

You’re not a people hoarder, you’ve been gutted by the person you thought loved you.

No cutesy names here. You have to call it what it is. It is you wanting to not hurt SO much. You want the person he is to be the person you think he is.

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care what weight you are or how many selfies you send. If anything, they just make him feel more powerful and make you look (and you probably feel) pathetic.

I’m sorry to be harsh. Everyone here knows how you feel. But I can promise you that there isn’t any photo you could take or anything you can do to make him really love you the way you want him to. That is a fantasy and will only cause you more pain.

What would you tell a friend with a drinking problem who just wanted a sip of alcohol every day? What would you tell a family member who had a drug problem but wanted one more hit? I would hope you would tell them that they needed to STOP IMMEDIATELY!

That is what I’m telling you now. It is called no contact and it is fucking hard!!!

You have to do this (or at least try harder than you are now). NO CONTACT means just that.

I promise it will get easier every day. There may be slip-ups but then you have to start over again immediately. You’re drinking a little bit of poison every day, willingly, hoping that you’re different and the poison won’t kill you. If anything you are doing worked, Chump Nation wouldn’t exist. It doesn’t work.

Step out of that darkness and join us in the struggle towards a light, fulfilling life.

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca can you be my new best friend? Thank you for the tough love. I took a screen shot of what you just wrote me so I can reread it every time I am feeling a moment of weakness (which is like every hour). Thank you so much and to the rest of the CN for the thoughts a prayers that you put out in to the universe for all of us other Chumps. With people like you for support, I know one day I will be a stronger more independent person, but most importantly I will be HAPPY AND CHEATER FREE! xoxo

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago

Chumpin, we all know that feeling. Someone you have given your life to has just thrown it away, told you that you just aren’t good enough. They have become someone different than who you thought they were. Don’t put up with it. I’m having a hard time with it too, but my STBXW asked me, “why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you?” I don’t know if she realized just how much she could hurt me with a very simple question.

You will get through it. It’s his loss, protect yourself and do things you like to do!

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad