The Most Self-Pitying Message from a Cheater
Her self-pitying serial cheater, whom she nursed through cancer, would like her to know that he feels very alone and abandoned right now. The Friday Challenge is cheater self pity combined with a blithering lack of self-awareness.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I was wondering if you would like to translate this gem. My ex posted it to an account I see all the time. He cheated on me multiple times over 20 years but “never had sex,” according to him. I made him move out after more lies.
It was a year and a half after his cancer battle, which I was there for all of while taking care of a daughter in a severe anorexia relapse and a son with depression. My kids were both suffering terribly while he went through cancer, my daughter almost died.
I simply can’t believe he can spin this like this.
It mind blowing. It’s hard for me to not be angry.
This is his post.
Thank you for your note. It’s amazing the time people pick to leave you whether emotionally, physically (or both). I can’t say l’ve always been the best husband (I haven’t been), but I really feel like I went through cancer myself for the most part and, it was devastating and honestly I do not think my heart will ever recover from that. I know what goes around comes around, but if I knew chemo and recovery would be followed by separation and imminent divorce, I would not have gotten treatment and I would be gone now.
Queen Silverbell
***
Dear Queen Silverbell,
Oh, the poor sausage wishes he were dead, does he? I’m reminded of that Scrooge quote. (Substitute orphans for FWs.)
“If they would rather die, . . . they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.”
Scrooge
But alas, thanks to your tender caregiving, he’s survived long enough to mindf*ck you.
Stay no contact.
He refers to a note. If you sent your cheater ex a get well card, expect hostility and self-pity in return. No contact is for you, for YOUR sanity. He fired you from the job of caring when he cheated and lied. Worse, he extracted your caregiver services while he was cheating on you. You don’t owe this creep ANYTHING.
I’m sorry you bred with him, but he’s your children’s cross to bear. Their relationship with this emotional vampire is their business. Just follow court orders and be the sane parent. Nothing in that decree says you must send this guy an edible bouquet for his suffering.
I simply can’t believe he can spin this like this.
Trust that he sucks. Tattoo this on your forearm if necessary.
He cheated on you for 20 years. He sucks. Of course he spins. That’s what masters of the dark manipulation arts do.
Stop being surprised that he sucks.
It’s amazing the time people pick to leave you whether emotionally, physically (or both).
It’s amazing the time people have to conduct double lives. Emotionally, physically, locked in the bathroom pooping with their cell phones. The mind wobbles.
I can’t say l’ve always been the best husband (I haven’t been),
Translation: But you should remain a faithful wife appliance. My investment in this relationship is irrelevant.
He has a sadz.
but I really feel like I went through cancer myself for the most part and, it was devastating
I went through cancer myself! Could your cells mutate for me instead?
honestly I do not think my heart will ever recover from that.
My manipulation game is still on point, however.
I know what goes around comes around,
Actually, I have no idea how consequences work. Remind me again why you’re not changing my bedpan?
but if I knew chemo and recovery would be followed by separation and imminent divorce, I would not have gotten treatment and I would be gone now.
If I had only known that Schmoopies were not reliable caregivers, I never would’ve agreed to a divorce.
***
Pay no attention to his feeble guilt trip. If your kids are still minors, talk to your lawyer and make sure he has a life insurance policy so you’re not out child support.
But thank you for the Friday Challenge. CN — Any cheater self pity combined with a blithering lack of self-awareness to report?
Oh I got a good one.
I’m not in the dating market anymore (happily engaged!) But back when I was on the apps, met a guy and hit it off. We went through about 3 years of on-off (we’d go like…9-10 months of “on” then he’d decide he was “too busy” then a month later be back “on.” It was so bad.)
Anyway, he starts getting really negative, spotty with responses, and just overall really cagey and easy to piss off. I’m asking him what’s going on and he’s been not himself and is there anything wrong? (I knew his family was dealing with an illness.) He kept avoiding answers and being vague about his negative moods. Then he just ghosts. For two months. Of course that put me into an emotional roller coaster not knowing wtf happened or what I did.
Homeboy pops up again, apologizing for disappearing, then telling me he’s been so deeply depressed and it’s eating him up and he must talk to someone to get it off his chest. He needed to talk to me so badly!
I get on the phone with him and this mofo tells me he has such a saaaadz because he’s been sleeping with a coworker, who was engaged to her long term boyfriend, and she was moving away and he was never gonna seee her agaaaaiin! (Cue violins) Oh and also she was 13 years younger than him.
I told him he brought that on himself, he is utterly clueless if he thought I was going to feel sorry for him, what made him think I was the one who would give him any sympathy, and this is completely on him.
He got so mad at me for “kicking him when he was at his lowest and most lovesick. And I only care about myself.”
That was about as rich as a devil’s food cake and more ironic than an Alanis Morissette song.
That was the last time I talked to him. Good riddance. From what I heard he started stupping another coworker (a married one this time) so I guess he had a type: “already in a relationship”
I once had a guy “dump” me in the early stages of dating because “the other girl I’m seeing wants to get serious.”
Six weeks later he texted me paragraphs on paragraphs about how she dumped him and he was distraught to the point of being suicidal. I don’t play these games so I asked him if he was going to call 911 himself or if I should do it right then. Suddenly he wasn’t THAT upset.
unlucky even:
“Bob, I’m sorry you’re so emotionally distraught. Of course, feeling suicidal is a very serious situation so I took the liberty of calling 9-1-1 and told them you’re at the point of harming yourself. They’re on their way to your house right now; they’ll be transporting you to the hospital where you’ll be admitted on a 72-hour mandatory psych hold so you can get the help you richly deserve. Good luck and please LOSE MY NUMBER”.
There is ALWAYS somebody else who will pick up.where you left off. Always
Push pull hot cold rage pity party channels JFC all signs point to a narcissistic cheater! Glad you got away from that mess
He was probably testing your boundaries, hoping you would start doing the pick me dance for him. Thankfully, you opted out at this point.
By then I was pretty sick of it all. At one point I would have given my left foot to be with him but by then my heart and mind were tired of the push-pull and as much as it all sucked and the (inevitable) crash and burn caused me pain, I am SO glad he’s gone for good.
Klootzak had written on a Post It note in his home office, “Loneliness isn’t being alone. It’s the feeling that nobody cares.”
Apparently loneliness causes d*cks to wander. I was lonely while he was off fracking strange but remained faithful. And yup… I stopped caring the minute I confirmed he was cheating. Funny how that works.
“Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing, overnight!” -I’m Looking Through You, Paul McCartney, The Beatles
Well there was time that Ex-Mrs LFTT accused me of being uncaring because I hadn’t offered to help her when she was bedridden in her flat whilst recovering from an operating on her back.
The fact that our Divorce had been finalised two months before the operation, that I had custody of the kids (and was thus quite busy) and had also just been promoted at work (which made me busier still) counted for nothing apparently …. and me having the temerity to suggest that she should look to her AP for support just confirmed that I was also small minded and bitter.
Who knew? I just thought that I was enforcing a boundary.
LFTT
Good lord.
Do you realize that we are divorced.
Do you understand WHY we are divorced.
Kudos to you for having a boundary! It’s miles ahead of some male chumps I know IRL 😩
Small minded and bitter, like that is a bad thing. You have heard me say it before, but …I was a great wife but I would NOT have been a “great” (no matter what rubric he might have used) XW.
Unicornnomore,
I did wonder, given that I was such a terrible husband/human being that she felt forced to cheat on me, why she kept asking me to do “Husband Jobs” for her after our separation/Divorce. She got told “No” a lot and did not like it one bit.
Sadly, Ex-Mrs LFTT cannot see a boundary without seeing it as either an insult, a punishment or a challenge, rather seeing it for what it actually is … protection for me and our kids.
F*ck her and the horse she rode in on.
LFTT
I spent YEARS in a mental blender that tried to find logic in something very similar to your first sentence above.
He said that I was so horrible as a wife that he needed to leave me and gave me a 2 hour lecture on every possible way that I failed (then he didnt leave) and kept using me as a wife/mother appliance. If I was good enough to be of such use, why did he need/choose to be so cruel in his slow and arduous process of dumping me. Was I horrible or handy? As it turns out, the real issue was that he sucked.
From painful experience, I would now rather offer help to a complete stranger who is in need than to someone who has betrayed me badly in the past. After all, the complete stranger would also be more likely to support me in a true emergency than the person who betrayed me.
What is also alarming about this is her children’s mental health! Thats a reflection of a narcissist dad!
So sad for what they went thru. They suffered the most.
Yes! ^^^
While I was scrambling to set things up to protect my kids before confronting my ex, my therapist asked me when I was going to start taking care of myself. A few months later, days before I confronted him and kicked him out of the house, I was diagnosed with cancer.
One year prior to all this, my third child had some serious issues in her junior year of high school. Her two siblings were away in college and she was the only child left at home. In hindsight I realize she was subconsciously struggling with unspoken/hidden issues.
It’s not just “the body keeps the score”. The kids do too.
My classic is my ex’s statement that he’d never forgive me for not bringing tween to visit him during COVID lockdown because he was lonely and scared by the bodies stacked in the halls outside his door. He wanted me to expose myself and tween, despite a permanent no contact with tween order from the judge, and a no-visitors policy at his senior health facility, as well as everywhere else.
Oh I seem to recall some exaggeration about body bags in the hallways?
If FW narcopath says this to me I’d be telling him to go stuff himself into one. He had after all considered a fatal accident for me.
Same here.
I think someone else mentioned body bags. He said the bodies were stacked up in the hall outside his door.
Our daughter stopped talking to him almost two years after he left. She would have been almost twelve.
Daughter’s therapist asked us to go to co-parenting therapy. I refused, because therapy does not work when you lie, don’t follow the suggestions, and are drinking and using. He continued to badger me to go. I finally caved and went. I said I would go, but it was going to be the best therapist I could find.
Enter Dr Kickass.
At one point he complained to Dr Kickass, “I feel like I’ve been cut out!”
Yes, you read that right. Wife and child who he had abandoned for an illicit massage parlor worker, et. al, are the real killers, the villains who had cut him out of our family.
Incredulous, I said, “YOU LEFT, remember?”
Dr Kickass said to him, “It looks like you are getting a taste of your own medicine.”
That alone was worth all the time and money spent on sessions with Dr Kickass.
Not long after that we stopped seeing her.
Why?
Because he was lying, not following suggestions, and definitely still not clean and sober….
THIS is what the crap RIC therapists don’t seem to understand (insert Upton Sinclair quote here).
What’s the point of counseling when one party is completely dishonest?
I didn’t go to counseling with the FW. But he did eventualy start going on his own. He has not changed from what I see. It’s been over a year. Could be closer to 2.
I am very low contact. Do I see episodes of his disordered behaviour still? Yes.
I recognize that as I don’t live with him or even converse with him frequently, it is possible that his rages are a lot less frequent in his day to day life. So perhaps HE sees some change in himself, maybe he is not having explosive rage issues constantly.
But overall, with me he is still pretty disordered. Over time MY therapy has helped me set and hold boundaries, see thigs for what they are, get coping skills etc, so I am doing better at dealing with him. So it is hard to say if he is any beter, or if time, space and my own boundaries just nake things easier for ME.
Early on things were still pretty volatile and I would say to my therapist “why isn’t his therapist helping him to change?” and my therapist pointed out that yes, many disorders are tricky to treat, but it also comes down to “if the patemt isn’t honest, the therapist can only do so much”.
And the idea that he is dutifully going to therapy 2 times a month, and just LYING to his therapist, or leaving things out, misrepresenting thigs, it’s WILD to me. What a waste of time and money at the very least.
But plenty of Chumps here have gone the couples therapy route, only to find out the FW is sitting in that office pretending to be working hard on the marriage, while simultaneously continuing the affair.
In defense of daughter’s therapist…and Dr Kickass….because I do not believe all therapists are cut from the RIC cloth…there were many ways daughter and I benefitted even though the intended objective of both parents participating and cooperating sincerely was not achieved…
1) She was right about going to co-parenting therapy. It did help me, even though Traitor Ex was not a sincere participant. One person following suggestions makes a difference and has an impact. You can’t play games with someone who won’t play and has backup support. One person using the tools has an impact even if the other parent won’t.
2) Going exposed Traitor Ex to yet another objective trained professional who did nothing but validate me which was beneficial for me.
3) Attending protected me from claims of parental alienation and nuked his attempts to rewrite history and blameshift.
4) Daughter’s therapist and the co-parenting therapist support daughter’s no-contact with her father, having seen and experienced his behavior for themselves. Their independent and objective validation has been invaluable for my daughter and for me.
5) My willingness to go and participate sincerely strengthened my daughter’s trust and confidence in me. When he was exposed for lying and not following suggestions, it further damaged his relationship with daughter and validated her decision to stop seeing him. He can’t get away with his false narratives because there are too many witnesses who know otherwise. That’s gold.
♥️
I’m really grateful my daughter has another trustworthy adult besides me who supports her and validates her. It’s critically important when one parent is a cheater because cheaters destroy the trust of EVERYONE, not just their intimate partner. Children of cheaters need all the trustworthy adults around them they can get.
♥️
Sad but true our kids’ trust in people are also damaged by FW. In your case luckily got good therapists with integrity to help your daughter.
In my case several long time friends that were in the trenches with me in the marriage police days, have proven themselves trustworthy adults in my kids’ lives. Several of them happen to be therapists. It’s heartbreaking to see FW continues to lie to and neglect our kids. They don’t trust him or feel safe with him.
What’s the Upton Sinclair quote?
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
Let me guess: maybe “It’s impossible to make a man understand something when his [salary in the original, but let’s insert “cake-eating”] depends upon him not understanding it.”
Lol you guessed correctly. Although I was referring to the perverse financial incentive for therapists to NOT understand the abuse and keep chumps participating in useless marriage counseling because of the recurring payments.
Same can be said for many divorce lawyers, the more unnecessary dragging out of the divorce the more billable hours!
Ah, I see! Yes, it’s perfect as a reference to the “incentive” for counselors to keep pushing that hopium!
Right after our divorce was finalized, FW and I had to go to the bank to split off our accounts. You know how everyone says “to be safe, close your account at a bank where you share accounts and open a new one at a different bank”? Yeah, well I didn’t listen (everyone else, please heed that warning!). It turned out that FW could still access my accounts and I didn’t know (the bank made an error. But I couldn’t see his accounts). So on Easter Sunday morning a few months later, I wake up and happened to go into my banking and saw $1,000 had been pulled out of the account I had marked as my son’s Savings. I could see it was FW that did it and immediately texted him. He responded “it’s Easter! How dare you bother me on Easter!” I said “how dare you steal from my accounts on Easter!” He immediately returned the money. Then I said “great, you’ll go with me to the bank to fix this Monday.” He tried to ignore me. And I let him know that if he didn’t that I’d file a police report. So he showed up on Monday with me at the bank and while we sat with a representative (I was heated that the bank f***ed this up) he said sweetly “you wouldn’t report your son’s father would you?” I said “you knowingly stole from your son’s account and violated our legal agreement — so yes. Yes I would.” I did file a report btw — to protect myself in case he pulled that sh** again. That $1,000 was clearly a test to see if he could sneak off funds without me catching it. That idiot
Good for you!
Aww those poor, poor victims…when f*ckwit got himself arrested for drunk driving (after I’d offered him a ride he rejected) I ignored his calls from jail to bring large cash amounts for his bond and come get him. Made him sit until he was dried out and figure his way home. I was the horrible unsupportive and BETRAYAL spouse for not getting him while he was busy fucking a married coworker, giving me HPV. Yup, I’m the asshole. And he repeated this with someone else later! But it’s always someone else because their tiny minds can’t take any responsibility.
You let him deal with his consequences. Good for you!
The pity party was in full swing following a penile implant after prostate removal. The narrative that followed was being in a sexless marriage. After finally being able to use it I was informed he’d found someone.
With it followed years of pissing through money following divorce. And now both of them are living with significant health issues. I’m guessing the thrill is gone.
Dodging that bullet was a blessing.
About a week after I discovered my partner of 24 years and father of my children had been living a double life and having a full blown affair, he sat at the breakfast bar having a sadz – he was suddenly feeling lonely because I’d made it very clear he was to pack up his sh*t and get out.
No, mate – the very reason me and our kids’ lives have been destroyed is because you were the very opposite of “lonely” for the last 18 months.
He also had another sadz about a week later when it was his birthday and he had planned to take the kids out for dinner but both of them completely forgot it was his birthday and I, naturally, didn’t remind them.
He is the true victim in all of this.
Less than an hour ago, he turns up at my home to collect our youngest for her weekend visit to Dad’s Sadz Palace, and promptly hunted down our eldest child on her way home from school (who has gone NC with him since his betrayal was revealed 7 months ago) and confronted her to say that he doesn’t understand why she is ignoring his messages and that she is breaking his heart.
How does he not get how upsetting this interaction would be to a 13 year old who is now sobbing in her room and demanding to know why life is so effing awful? How do these FWs not see it’s them who have broken their kids’ hearts and that this is a very natural and obvious consequence if you prioritise banging your boss several times a week for 18 months, instead of being a present and decent parent?
Is it any wonder so many children turn into adults with trust issues. Sorry, not quite so tranquil today.
My timeline is similar to yours and my kids were 18+ when their dad was kicked out of the house. I’ve not had the pleasure of knowing what my ex’s birthdays are like, now that the kids aren’t reminded to write cards, buy a gift, etc. I hope there’s a bit of pleasure in observing the sadz.
Your years are close to mine (21) Plus a year to finalize the D.
In my case he was fully involved with his co worker. Turned out he had been for several years. Quite honestly, I am impressed how long he kept it under cover. I don’t think for a minute the brass knew it was going on, they would have moved her to a different job years before had they known. If the previous admin had known he would have been fired, that mayor hated him with a passion.
Someone knew or found out because he was outed by an ethics accusation. At that point he was busted, and she was moved to a different job, which she failed spectacularly in and was fired six months later.
He is lucky, he got to keep his job, just not his promotion, cushy office, or the tight relationship with the mayor.
In my case my fw didn’t whine to me, as I was out of the picture, when his consequences hit him. However, I heard from the grapevine he blamed the mayor for not being loayal to him. Not one bit of gratefulness that that mayor instead of having him fired like the city council wanted; actually worked with them to save his hiney on the job. He even got to keep his pay raise, he just didn’t get to keep his promotion.
So his predicament was not his fault, it was the mayors fault. He continued to make worse and worse decisions. To the point I started to feel sorry for him. Don’t get me wrong, I never voiced that to him, I was no longer in his life as he wished. I still to this day wonder how someone who was so blessed, not just by a wife who adored him and sacrificed for him; but a community who respected him and us as a couple could just cra p can it all.
But of course in hindsight I realize that the person who was outed, was always that person, he just had the ability to keep it hidden, using me for a cover.
The only thing I can say is, it is scary stuff. What I wish for baby chumps, is they find out early on, and get out as soon as possible. It is a very painful process, don’t let anyone blame you or sugar coat their abuse against you.
Ex narcopath was a master of the pity party and the mewling man baby (thank you HOAC for the term!) once kept me on the phone for 7 hours alternately crying and screeching punctuated with gaslighting. This was early during the divorce.
Thank the Lord I found this blog after reading LACGAL and learned about the 3 channels of the narc. I had been so susceptible to this particular channel’s mindf**k for decades and especially during the false reconciliation. All about HIS loneliness and image and feelings, while the kids and I had our lives torn apart and huge sums stolen! Oh then the fake suicide attempts. Every day an epic PITY PARTY.
The 3 channels is hands down THE most brilliant and helpful observation of the personality disordered I’ve read anywhere!
Only after starting NC Grey rock suggested here, did my brain finally notice FW playbook. The ugly crying pity party stuff complete with empty threats of suicide was exactly what FW did after DDay #1 decades ago! And I bought it hook line and sinker back then dumb me.
They really don’t change. Ever.
“Only after starting NC Grey rock suggested here, did my brain finally notice FW playbook. ”
He moved out, but was still around. We were trying to win a prize for being the most amicable co-parents in the world. No other way to describe that but an exercise in batshit crazy. The guy had cheated and then discarded me im the cruelest way possible, and now I was having joint holidays with him and the kids.
It lasted a year.
During that year there was a cycle of things being ok, leading up to him getting mad about some nonsense, exploding and then either apologizing or pretending it didn’t happen. Over and Over. It sucked. Now I was separated and still dealing with all his BS. As if the cheating wasn’t enough, now I was alone, figuring all that out while still having this maniac yelling at me every few weeks for days at a time.
After a year of that, there was one very explosive incident and boom…my eyes opened and I saw it all for what it was. Went as low contact as a co-parent can, and I am now out of that cycle. (Sure, he tries but I know how to set and hold boundaries now, I stay completely unengaged)
If I had gone low contact the minute he moved out, I am sure the cycle would have ended so much sooner. I don’t think anyone can appreciate what NC does untl they try it. On the surface it sounds simple, like “sure, less contact means less fighting” and that is true, but the distance and lack of engaging actually allows our brains to see things for what they are in a way that is hard to explain. It is like being ariound them/engaging with them puts you in a fog, and when you get away from that fog, your head clears and everything starts to make so much more sense.
Yes like a toxic cloud, you cannot see clearly nor hardly think straight while trying to navigate within it.
What’s fascinating about this letter, in a true-crime kind of way, is that you can see the places where he had some rudimentary awareness of reality, and then just decided to skip over or minimize it. He never actually says he went through cancer alone or was abandoned, he just “feels like” he did “for the most part”. Cheating is merely ‘not being the best husband’.
This is so spot on. It’s very hard to see the things he writes. He minimizes and glosses over so much. Leaves out facts and casts me as the villain, when all I did is finally stand up for myself. I definitely felt in danger at times.
This landed very low on The List of Bad and Stupid Things He Said:
So relatively early after learning that he was in a heavy relationship with his coworker (although I had few details nor did I know that he had done this numerous times before) he said of this:
“The worst thing is that now, I wont be able to be friends with women from work like I always was”
WHAT? You betrayed your spouse and destroyed your family and for you “the worst” part of the future is having your work relationships be distant and above-board.
Same story here. Nursed him through cancer, encouraged him after his business failed, supported the family myself after his next business stagnated during the pandemic, put up with lots of neglect, abandonment (he was always traveling for work) and emotional abuse. After I left him on D day, he publicly posted on social media how sad he was, “My wife left me, I don’t know why! Pray for her!” Then he wrote me a letter saying how he could not believe I would just throw away a 35 marriage like that, without me even looking at MY part in the “breakdown of the marriage”, and without going to couples counseling! His M.O. for the next few years, while gaslighting me to hell and back, was “Poor me, my wife left me!”
I really hope you countered that false narrative.
Yes, I simply stated the (horrifying) exact reason why I left him. He gaslit everyone to the edge of hell and worked hard to push a narrative of “She is crazy and created this reason herself, for an excuse to leave the marriage.” Well he can lie all he wants and pity party himself to the grave. My eyes, my gut intuition and Apple Inc. all know that what I say is true.
Oh yeah- we’re all crazy, unstable and terrible women for not putting up with such fine examples of men.
Until the next in line gets the same treatment….
My ex fw was a master of self pity.
“I HAD to cheat on you because I was suicidal” was a favorite.
“I didn’t kick the baby’s things and send them flying across the room, I STUBBED MY TOE, you didn’t even ask me if I was OKAY, I HURT MY FOOT.”
I swear to god if this person had hit me it would have been “You attacked my fist with your faaaaace T_T”
The only thing my fw could come up with was my lack of housekeeping skills. And he didn’t come right out and say it, he just looked around the house when he told me he had been cheating for years and never loved me. He couldn’t actually say it because I was not a bad house keeper, I just wasn’t a spit shiner, and by the way the bicycle he married makes me look like Martha Stewart in comparison. I only know that because my daughter in law told me.
Even he would have been embarrassed to actually voice those words to me.
I also worked a full time job, and spent many hours a week doing volunteer work that he asked me to do, because it would help him in his job, which would in turn help us both. HAH.
He knew he was a worm, he just didn’t care. He was in save his hiney from being fired mode.
Gotta ask, did HE do any housekeeping?
I ask because I worked a lot more hours than FW did, and I did ALL the housework. I am probably above average in the cleaning dept bc I find the process meditative and very much feel calm if my surroundings are tidy. That said, there is a limit to what I could get done in a day with full time work, a long commute, kids etc.
That asshole, who did not one thing around the house, but who definitely left crap everywhere for me to pick up/move BEFORE I could clean, would find a stray cobweb in the corner of a ceiling and act like we lived in a pig sty.
He did no house work at all. And don’t throw tomatoes at me, but I actually for most of his meals brought him his meal to his chair. He rarely ate at the table with my son and I. part of that was because for many early years he worked shifts, and he was not at home when my son and I had dinner. He pretty much ate the same thing most nights. I made sure my son had a variety of foods, so that he wouldn’t turn out like that. I just didn’t think it was healthy to eat the same thing all the time, but I didn’t harang him about it.
But anyway, no he did no house work, he did do some repairs; though he was not really good at home repair, usually he would get a friend to help him if it was a difficult repair. I did the yard work (mowing, it wasn’t a big yard) I didn’t mind the mowing, just noting he didn’t do it. He did for a while, but I did it once for his birthday, and he never did it again.
Also, we divorced in 1990, so that division of chores was more common then than it is now.
For Context, I worked part time (5 hours a day when school was in session) for 11 years, I worked full time for the last couple years.
Oh for sure, in 1990 and even now, frequently (not always, but frequently) the women did more housework and that was “normal”.
For me it is just the idea that a FW that didn’t do ANYTHING has the audacity to criticize your housework. Mine sometimes complained that I spent too much time on it. Well which is it? Am I doing too much..or not enough? Maybe if he didn’t leave stuff everywhere, I could just clean vs put all his crap away first and THEN clean, it would have been quicker.
I absolutely believe that had I been a spit shiner, his complaint would have been all I cared about was the house. I treated him well, he had to scratch for something to say to my face. He could have said anything to others, I would never know; but to my face nope he had to dig and dig hard. It is why for the few times I had to talk to him over the next year during the D process, he had difficulty looking at me straight on.
He even wrote a letter to me when he found out I had gone out with someone, almost a year after he left, (I wasn’t hiding it) and said “I don’t know why I acted like such a dirt bag”. (talking about himself). I just thought to myself, you weren’t acting like a dirt bag, you are a dirt bag. I crammed it in my wallet and went to my part time job at Lowe’s. That night my wallet got stolen at work with the letter in it. I am glad. Nothing he said mattered anymore, and I wouldn’t be tempted to read it again. The only reason I had a part time job, on top of my full time job was because of his wandering john-son.
Ugh, tell me about it. I got to hear all about my “lazy gold digger” sins while working two part time jobs and doing 90% of the house work, cooking, and childcare. It was just an outright lie. It made me feel insane.
FW still plays these games with me every time we have to recalculate child support. It never ends with these people.
I got told he was sick of me bludging off him which was really rich from Mr ” I don’t feel like going to work today so I won’t” at least once a month or manufacturing an illness like a kid who doesn’t want to go to school.
Yeah yeah we know- we’re terrible women who just set out to gold dig from some poor bloke who had sweet FA to begin with – haha!
I was stuck in pick-me-dance and still trying to “save the marriage” for about 6 months after DDay. Somewhere maybe 4 months in, her boss found out (of course the affair happened at work). So she begins freaking out and having panic attacks at the thought of losing her job (of course in the end there were zero repercussions). Destroying her family and her kids’ home never bothered her of course.
Anyway, here I am trying to be all supportive, and never once saying out loud that getting fired is the least she deserves. But even shell-shocked, trauma-bonded me was utterly gobsmacked when she actually complained “why does everything go wrong for me? My dad had an affair for years nothing ever happened to him!”
Never forget that these sub-humans do not feel remorse, and regret only consequences – to themselves, not those they hurt.
My FW had a friend that cheated on his wife. A long term affair at work. Wife stayed.
She was not the marriage pilice, she was the “marriage cia”. The lengths this woman went through to try to keep him from cheating againb.
He got transferred, so he no longer works with AP. He isn’t allowed to go out with friends without her. She makes him adhere to some kind of crazy check in schedule so she can see that he really is at work when he says he is. It’s awful and I can’t imagine being ether of them. No sympathy for him obv, but objectively that is a miserable way for both of them to live. I don’t understand how she finds that preferable to divorce, and I hope some day she leaves.
But all I can think is, if he really wants to cheat, and co-workers are clearly not off limits for him, he can just start up with a new AP at work. Or scroll apps at work. He can check in with his wfe at noon, and go into a secluded storage closet to bang his AP immediately after. There is no way to truly keep a FW honest.
Oh, but the reason I brought this up? When I insisted I wanted FW to move out, he was so mad that his friend got to stay married and he didn’t. I do not want to be in the Marriage CIA, thanks.
As chumps, we educate and enable our cheaters by our actions over the years.. these teenage entitlement conversations come because THEY WORK and they work on US. Now this is not to blame us but it is behavior that needs to be put in the shredder once you know and understand what you have been catering to.
Speaking for myself only, I was an RN and spent my 30 years of marriage needing to be needed…. to feel loved…catering to my cheaters physical and mental health, every ache or pain was MINE because I knew what to do. After D day, cheater tells me he’s in the ER with kidney stones, needs a ride home, Calls from Urgent care…which hospital do I go to he asks, WHERE ARE YOU?? All on my voice mail. I had just filed. I texted him and told him to ask his gf to drive him to his hotel room..after I got a restraining order and he was out of the house.He said, He had NO ONE to help him!! I was his wife!!!!
What I learned from that?? Cheaters Always land on their feet. Tere are always yes always people who rescue and can take my place, be it cancer or kidney stones. I have life experience at my age and know several cheaters who are now too.old to cheat..They all have younger woman who cater to them. They all found someone, no matter how shabby. They ALL FOUND someone else..Repeating these words to myself over and over helped me immensely..I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.Shocking at first to the newly D day Chump but oh so true. My X had done other woman so did not have anyone specific YET..I left too soon. But it took 4 weeks for him to get on line, find a young lady from across the country get her to move into my house and take my place with youth and adoration. He married her weeks after the final bell. I was NOT THE ONLY ONE.
Younger women nowadays need to learn what we didn’t and do better than shack up with old worn out cheaters in need of caregivers.
For my daughter’s sake I hope they are smarter.
I hope so too.
And learn that any man DEFINITELY isn’t better than no man.
FW is a master at being the poor-me victim. “I cry every day while driving to and from work, it’s a miracle that I haven’t crashed”. Crying because I am “stopping” him from meeting up with his scammer online “love of his life”.
He has “given” me everything I want, a kid, a pet, and I’m “allowed” to do whatever I want (meaning my benign old-lady hobbies like knitting or driving our son to his various activities). He has “sacrificed” so much by working a shitty low-paying job (with me being the breadwinner, housekeeper, and child rearer, and even though he has the same education as me he won’t look for a new job). Why can’t he be allowed to be happy (by trolling online for women half his age)?
He’s going to quit his job and become a “recluse” because I won’t “allow” him to make “friends” (by trolling online for women half his age). As though it is somehow a threat to me that he won’t have any income while I am already paying all the household bills.
He’s always has a “feeling” that he is going to die soon. He always claims that he thinks he is having a heart attack or cancer, but never takes me up on my offer to call 911 for him.
It’s amazing that him being a creepy loser is somehow my fault. Poor him.
Drop Kick sent me a text (I’m low contact due to having young kids). He explained how he was dreading the divorce, and that he should never have cheated on me during what should have been the best time of our lives (affair #1 began when I was pregnant with our second son). He’s missed out on so much of their lives, don’t you know.
This was five years after D-Day #4 (if only I’d found Chump Lady earlier) and eight years after D-Day #1. He’d spent the intervening years trying to delay the already very complicated settlement in every way he could think of. Forgive me for not RSVPing to this pity party.
A couple of months ago I peaked at his email even though we are divorced and I’m supposed to be no contact. Bad me I know. However, it appeared he was being scammed by someone from Ghana because he had sent some money there and was corresponding with someone there. The scammer had written him an email and was trying to rope him back in (because he apparently caught on) and said to him, “I was there for you when no one was talking to you. Not even your kids.” Apparently he was telling an online scammer that he was feeling all alone and no one was talking to him including his kids. (Big eye roll). When he abandoned me and ran off with a woman 13 years younger and was screwing her, he didn’t talk to our one daughter for about 7 months, except for a text wishing her happy birthday and a text requesting a favor from her (Grrrr). And our other daughter made the comment to me when he left that she wasn’t sure if her dad left her also in addition to leaving me. He basically mostly ignored them as long as he was screwing the other woman. Then the love birds apparently broke up. And guess who finally started talking to his kids again? You guessed it. Dad of the year! But not before he complained to a complete stranger online that “nobody was talking to him.” What??? He makes absolutely no sense. He traded me in for an online scammer that he told, “I desperately wanted you to be the One!” Well I say, go at it big guy!!
He actually makes a lot of sense if you look at it from the pov of a lying narc. Spin whatever lie is convenient to gain attention, sympathy, money or sex. That is THE WAY of the personality disordered.
Oh and also, right after he moved out and before I found out about the other woman I asked him how he was doing. He said he was good but “kind of lonely”. Hahaha…..kind of lonely my ass!!! He was f*cking her! What an a-hole is all I can say. I can’t believe I ever thought he was a decent human being. He fooled me good!
Real story
Me after he had been super nasty with me for months. “I don’t know what what’s gotten into you!!”
Him, “I’ll tell you what’s gotten into me. You called me mean!!”
Me, “I called you mean because you kicked the dog!! That was mean!!”
Him, “I didn’t kick the dog!! I just moved him a little with my foot!!”
Me, (stares at him incredulously…..)
Whaaaat? Oh I hate this guy so much.
OT but relevant. There is breaking FW news; Epstein files reveal Bill Gates got an STD from Russian prostitutes and asked Epstein for antibiotics so he could secretly put them in Melinda’s food. 🤮 OMG. Please show some chump love for Melinda. ❤️
Other revelations that came out today are too bizarre, shocking and disturbing to talk about on here. If you have a strong stomach and good emotional resilience you can go to the I’ve Had It podcast for the story. I’m not exaggerating about how awful it is. I actually screamed in horror when I heard.
Dosing someone with medication without their consent is a crime. Melinda, I hope you sue his sorry behind so that he has to sell cheap Chinese polyester socks at Pike’s market, during winter, in a shabby overcoat, to survive.
Though of course there are two sides to every story. Snort! Perhaps Melinda did some heinous thing like using bagged salad, or leaving lights on when she left a room, or spending too much time on the kids. Snort!
Yep, it would serve her right if he put Amoxillin in the bagged salad just to make a point.
Gates denies the allegations ‘furiously’. Don’t they all! Speaks volumes!
I hope he gets so many STDs that his dick can’t take the punishment and falls off.
After running this blog, I’m hard to shock. But there is some sick, sick sexual entitlement out there. I hope this leads to a sea change in our leadership and ethics.
Yeah, I’m hard to shock too. I thought we’d heard it all, but no, it only gets worse.
Yes! 100 upvotes if I could. Both parties: child hair sniffing and clandestine child fondling Biden amongst them. First, we need to go after the ones that abuse children.
I’ve not listened to that podcast, and after the few excerpts of the leak that I read today I don’t know if I could. I’m horrified to the point of disbelief. This crap is so crazy that I can hardly believe what I’m reading – and I’m a Chump that went through rage filled post-separation abuse; I should know better at this point. Lordy, are there any decent people on this planet?? I feel sick.
Exposure to human evil has made me very cynical, unfortunately. But then I watch the protests that are happening and it gives me hope.
On today’s topic; guy who is cancer goes through cancer. By himself. Cue Celine Dion. 🎶All by myself…..
On the subject of whiny FWs with health problems, my FW was full of self pity about his short lived alcoholism recovery, which he wouldn’t have even gone through had DD and I not fought to get him to face the reality that he was a drunk. He was 100% positive he would never drink again, said it over and over. Naturally, he’s back to drinking. He also pulled two fake suicides shortly after dday. 🙄
The ex left me (after 26 years) for his exgf from school with whom he had been having a long distance affair (UK/Canada). Many lies were told to enable that affair to move from emotional to physical. As soon as I discovered the affair (6 weeks after I’d been dumped for being a ‘terrible person’) I lawyered-up and started divorce proceedings. The ex and I are both lawyers: I’m a litigator and he isn’t! However, a lawyer who acts for herself has a fool for a client. I spent thousands I didn’t have sorting out the finances via the legal route because the ex wouldn’t play ball – he was just absent, at New York Fashion Week for example, where he ‘didn’t have access to email’. His excuses were frustrating at the time and laughable now, 6 years later. In the UK, mediation is compulsory with some exceptions. The ex was dragged kicking and screaming to engage, literally. He messed the mediator about and didn’t disclose his financials until the last minute (and he never disclosed all of it). We were deep in Covid so mediation was in the early days of virtual and it was really tough. I was a mess but I bravely did my best. The ex sat there, mouth sealed, saying nothing, giving nothing away, refusing to look at the camera. So grim! The mediator felt sorry for him because I was doing a reasonable job (I should have cried much more but pride wouldn’t let me). And then, the ex looked tearful, pulled a sad face and said to me, accusingly, ‘you’re in your comfort zone in this environment, and I’m not’. I nearly fell off my chair. This apology for a man negotiated property deals for a fashion house. He’d left me for a garden gnome. I was terrified of becoming homeless. No kids and I was 60 then. I’d got myself 4 jobs after he left (which worked entirely to his advantage because he didn’t have to pay me maintenance). And I weighed 3 stones less than I had 6 months earlier (7.5 stones by then and 5’ 6”). Mediation was the most damaging part of the whole business. And he pulled the ‘I’m a poor, sad, innocent victim’ act. Horrible, horrible man.
I’m so sorry to hear that from a lawyer no less! Recently a patent attorney told me family law/divorce is a cesspool, kangaroo court of bad apples from crappy mediators to guardian ad litems, without any respect for facts.
What an interesting challenge. I am not sure my story fits the challenge entirely, but here goes:
FW and I are still living together in the last few months before our separation. We are in the midst of drafting a Separation Agreement and selling our apartment. All of this is occurring in the summer of 2020, so we are knee deep in the pandemic – with all of its social gathering restrictions here in Canada.
FW tells me one afternoon that he must go for a walk to clear his head. The sadness of the impending separation and divorce is just too much for him to bear. Recall that this is the same guy who was caught red handed attending drug fuelled sex orgies.
I think – “yeah whatever”.
He comes home about 3 hours later looking all lost and forlorn. Collapses onto the sofa in the living room looking like his puppy had just died in his arms. I sit down in front of him and ask what is wrong. With chest heaving, bottom lip quivering he tells me how he had walked along Bloor Street to a bridge (the Bloor St. Viaduct) and almost hurled himself over the edge onto the roadway below. Tears begin to flow as he tells me how hard this divorce is on him.
In truth he was nowhere near the Bloor St Viaduct. He was a kilometre down Bloor St in the opposite direction having sex at a F*ckbuddy’s apartment. How do I know? He had left his iPad signed into his Facebook Messenger account and I could follow their conversation in real time.
What was truly frightening was that I had I not played marriage police, I would have been 100% convinced that his performance was real. Gave me pause about what other whoppers I had believed – but at that point, I already knew enough. He sucks.
Pity his story was a lie and he didn’t hurl himself off that bridge. I would have preferred to have been a widower rather than a divorcee.
Anyhow – I am a gay (happy) divorcee now.
It sounds like the road below the Bloor Street viaduct dodged a bullet. 😉
But seriously, horrible story and despicable FW. Glad you’re out of that and happy.
Wow. This is chilling. Truly disordered. I am glad you’re out.
He was definitely next level disordered. And very few people ever knew or suspected. Partly because I did a superlative job helping FW with his PR. Spackle spackle like Michelangelo I did.
In any case, when I told my therapist about the incident he was furious. My therapist thought it was done to make me feel bad and to garner sympathy. The therapist was furious because he dealt with real suicidal people, and felt my FW was appropriating it for a manipulative purpose.
That therapist is gold. FW narcopath also did multiple fake suicide threats and like yours spoke of hurling himself off a bridge. None of the therapists involved called out his manipulation though. My children and I are deeply traumatized while struggling financially compared to FW.
Like you, I wish I was widowed rather than divorced.
OMG I see so many pieces of my own story in yours. Mine also endangered all our lives going out during covid to f*** strange. Once he was crying a pity party how much he’s trying sooooo hard while driving to some store to buy our kid something, crying and raging and blameshifting on the phone.
FW was absolutely convincing, but I happened to have his real time phone location info and he was sneaking around visiting another OW cross state lines! I sat there jaw dropping to the floor and could hardly comprehend the truth.
It was like you said so absolutely horrifying, how many other times did I believe this pathological liar in the past? Millions of times over the decades. Stone cold sociopath
I am so sorry you went through that. We are both safely on the other side now. Lesson learned.
There are truly monsters that roam among us.
My Dday was right before Christmas. I told FW I would not go to his family‘s house for the holidays. He asked me before he left if I would see him again. I hate lying. I thought about it and I said yes (I figured I would have to see him at least once during the divorce process). Anyways, I could have lied once compared to his thousands of lies. I did not tell him I was secretly packing up my documents and clothes and would be moving out. When he got to his family’s house, he said he told my beloved nephews that I was not there at the holidays and it was his fault because he made a mistake. He was still thinking I would show up at the family house a few days later. I still had contact with my nephews on videochat over the holidays. But then they started to avoid my texts. Eventually they told me they don‘t want any contact with me because I refused to talk it out with FW (and I guess take him back) and go back to being their aunt. It was heartbreaking. FW‘s sister sent me harassing emails for weeks that I should forgive FW, take him back and also check myself into a psychiatric hospital. My lawyer had to send a desist letter to get her to stop – the last straw was when she said I should destroy myself but stop doing so to other people (due to my NC). FW was so sad and couldn‘t handle to move back into our apartment that I left so he spent months at his parent‘s, sister‘s and nephew‘s house. (Before Dday he once told me out of the blue, after 17 years of marriage, that if we ever broke up that he wants to keep the apartment. He also told me out of the blue that he wanted a divorce, and then 2 minutes later that it was just a joke). I was so naive shortly after DDay. I thought I would be able to keep some sort of relationship with my nephews. Now they have blocked me due to the extreme pity party from my ex. I tried to handle the situation the best I could, but I was no match to the pity channel and smear campaign. Those poor boys. They probably hate me, and have no idea yet what kind of mindf´*** channel they are growing up in. It is heartbreaking.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved nephews: the pain of that must be immense. I can tell you that children are pretty clever at figuring things out once they are older and have a more adullt perspective, and you may well find them reaching out to you. It doesn’t mitigate the pain you are in now, however. If we were neighbors I’d come by with a hug and some warm cinnamon buns.
Thanks for the kind words and that we are able to connect here and share our stories.
Wow, thank you all for sharing your stories and for the good advice. I am really horrified at what people have gone through. I am still living through this but thankfully separated now. It was so hard for me to go thru with it because he always threatens suicide. He has been doing that since we were dating. Funny thing is when I actually went thru a real suicide of someone extremely close to me, he thought that was a good time to cheat on me with our marriage counselor. Really scary stuff. My kids suffered so badly and I’m very scared for the future, but trying to stay positive. This support is immensely helpful. This site really helped me get to the point where I could get to the other side. My kids are doing better now but I know they will always have issues because of all this. I actually had no idea the depth of betrayal I lived with until it came out after the marriage counselor. I really thought he was faithful until it all crumbled. It’s so helpful to talk to people who have lived thru this stuff!
That’s nuts the marriage counselor was one of the affair partners and I’d be using anonymous accounts to leave bad reviews on various websites at the very least!
It’s a double betrayal and this is very traumatic. One of the therapists we were working with privately emailed with FW fawning over him, too old to be physically FW narcopath type but still gross.
Then I was stabbed in the back along with my kids by a frenemy who I thought of like a sister, that actively supported the divorce until she switched sides to FW! Knowing how much he stole, lied and decades of hookers! I now believe she was perhaps trying to start a EA with FW when we were all married friends.
There are women out there who are as contemptible as our cheaters. I finally got this after my trauma therapist pointed out the mean girl dynamics. It makes our betrayal trauma many times worse. Your marriage counselor is trash but it’s no coincidence your FW agreed to see her. Takes one to know one. In my case two other therapists we saw who tried to hold FW accountable, he threw tantrums and didn’t like them any more. He liked that fawning unethical one 🙄
Stay strong and stay reading here. I thought I would never recover from the multiple simultaneous betrayals but I am healing and found much better quality of people in my life now.
Thank you for your reply. I did actually leave bad reviews and the shocking part was that started a wave of bad reviews from others who had similar experiences. She did lose her business but just opened another. Sorry to hear of your experience, my ex also lives therapists who fawn over him. He has one now that has horrible reviews but I’m sure she tells him everything he needs to hear. The double betrayal was horrific, sprite grieving my mom. Glad I made it thru and thank you for the kind words!
That is dreadful what you went through. What a sad indictment of our culture. To think that cheating is so minimized and normalized that there are only light consequences in a professional context is incredible.
You are mighty. Virtual hugs to you and your children. You made the right decision to get out of that marriage. FWs do not get better with the passage of time. Ask any of us how we know.
You have now created the space to invest in worthwhile relationships. Live long and prosper my fellow chump.
Thank you so much, you brought tears to my eyes!
You are correct, it’s very minimized. Even with the therapist it’s unethical but not illegal. I trusted her and him very much. It is only because of this blog that I realize the truth was way more and that it was never going to get better. Also that is truly is abuse. Only when I started looking at it as abuse did it start to make sense.
I deeply regret the damage to my children. I so wish I had left very early on. I hope they have the space to heal now.
I’m not sure I could ever have another relationship now. The trust issues are bad. Working hard in taking care of myself and preparing for a new future.
Dear QSB,
Did I read that correctly? Your FW cheated on you with the marriage counsellor?
if I were in your shoes, I would be reporting that marriage counsellor to their governing body. Regardless of what country you are in, that would be a gross violation of professional ethics.
Yes. A complaint was filed but she did not lose her license. This is part of the reason I stayed was he convinced me he was the victim and she took advantage of him. It was all very confusing. Again I was also grieving the extremely tragic death of my mother at the same time. Your story reminded me of my ex. They can be very convincing. Truly horrifying what they are capable of and how they rationalize abhorrent behavior. I am so sorry you went thru that and so happy you are out!
Sadly, that is not the first chump story like that. I remember reading another story of a FW cheated with the therapist in the archives.
What you went through is horrendous and as GayDivorcee says, you’re mighty as hell. ❤️
I know you’re supposed to stay no contact, but i would have had to comment “Oh boo-de-hoo-hoo, cheater.” on that one.