Time for a Mightiness Check In!

supechumpIt’s time again for another Mightiness Check! To the newbies, every so many months, I check in with Chump Nation to see how that meh-gain-a-life thing is going.

You’re all so impressive, I’m sure someone has broken a world record, or created a vaccine for the American presidential elections by now.

If you’ve never played before, and you don’t feel especially mighty, remember all accomplishments count! Took a shower? The toddler finally went down for a nap? You didn’t hit anyone with a lead pipe today? That counts. You get to grade on your own curve. It’s not a competition.

The point is to take inspiration from each other and see how far you’ve come.

As for me and my mightiness? Hey, I have a BOOK. (Which went #1 on Amazon in divorce there for a couple days, and still shows up as #1 new release.) And I just had the incredible honor of meeting a bunch of you at Chumpapalooza. I’m still pinching myself. It was totally amazing… and I’m still mortified that I choked on my talk. (But whatever. I’ll work on my gooey, maudlin public speaking issues.)

Life is pretty terrific. It isn’t always, so when I get some spans of “terrific” I sure do appreciate them more than I did before I was a chump.

Anyway, back to you — tell me how you’re MIGHTY!

And TGIF!

 

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LynnZi
LynnZi
7 years ago

I made the decision to spend some time on my own healing rather than serial dating to prove to the STBX that I wasn’t the wretched, ugly, hideous person he said no man would ever want to be with and that I could get another man as quickly as he could get another woman. Guess what? What the STBX thinks doesn’t matter!! All that matters is the health and well being of my children and me!

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

I aspire to your level of mightiness.

I had to endure two kid school events this week with The Entitled One present. Mighty was showing up — because I swore I would NEVER miss one of my kids’ events because of him. But I didn’t feel mighty … I felt fat and frumpy and pathetic. Someone I know asked me, “So are you dating yet?” and I stumbled through an answer about how I’m not ready. My life, quite honestly, is a mess.

Meanwhile, The Entitled One is circulating nearby. He’s lost fifty pounds, dresses better, and recently won a martial arts championship. He spins his story that we “just grew apart” and that we’re “very different people” and he looks the part of someone who’s been reborn after getting out of a bad marriage. He’s been dating with a vengeance (and why not? he was dating while we were married) and has, I suspect, a girlfriend 15-20 years his junior. He’s building a life for himself that’s jam-packed with all the fun and excitement and experiences he felt he missed out on during our twenty+ years together. He’s Disney Dad for his 40 percent time with the kids. To most people, he’s totally #winning.

And here I am with the weight gain and huge personal setbacks in addition to the divorce and pretty much living life in the ashes as I try to be the best parent I can be.

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Better days,
I’m 5 yrs out, ((went by extremely fast looking back)) and my life was right where yours was. I lost a 30 yr marriage. Mine was a good marriage. He wenton to live a great life filling bucket list w life fulling events, while I sufferred major depression and almost took my life when we separated.

I had to go on anti depressant 22 months later or I wouldn’t be here to write.

Looking back, I’m more furious now that the man I loved actually treated me the way he did. It took me a looooong time to realize, understand & accept, but at 62, I am now becoming the best woman I was suppose to be, and he is now looking from the outside…
so hang in there.
This may be the worst of your life, but it won’t last cuz you won’t let it, & bc of that very reason we learn & become stronger.

Mara
Mara
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan-I’m 56 and 1.5 years separated. We were together 40 years. He’s all I know. I would love to privately chat with you. Is this possible?

dani
dani
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan.. You are MIGHTY! The best is yet to come.

junglechump
junglechump
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

What a dick!!!

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  junglechump

Yeah. Something that’s changed is how I see him now. When I look at him, I see him for who he is — and that’s vastly different from how I saw him for twenty-two years. It’s hard to believe how I missed the true him for so long.

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

BetterDays, your ex sucks, he’s all about the externals. You wanna know why? There is nothing behind the mask.

You are mighty and you have taken many good steps already, and you will continue to do so. Just keep going honey. I wish you could see something my daughter sent me on Facebook a while ago. It was women in depicted in art (and there is one with women in history) who “do not give a single fuck.” The looks on their faces are priceless, I laugh until I cry when I look at them. It’s like the ultimate resting-bitch-faces. They DO NOT care! Channel that BetterDays. Who cares what other people think? You know the truth…that your ex is an entitled addle-brained asshole. And you are a kind, loving and loyal woman. No contest there. But you don’t give a single fuck because you know the truth and you know your value.

Deepen your faith in God, deepen your faith in yourself. Take your focus off of him and put it all on you for now.

Biggest (((HUGS)))

arlo
arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Ooh I’m going to Google that right now, thanks for the tip!

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Buzzfeed–women in art history who gave absolutely zero fucks

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Keep going, BD. Hugs! You know what to do. And you’re worth it. Believe it, and the more you invest in yourself the more faith you’ll have in yourself.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

BetterDays – so sorry to hear how you’re feeling these days, but you can easily change your perspective and feel 100x better by repeating to yourself: I’M FREE OF A CHEATING DOUCHEBAG!! ANY state of being is better than staying tethered to a lying, cheating, f-tard like that.

So – as someone who stared working hard not to be consumed with sadness/anger/bitterness/resentment over a massive waste of 23 years, I did (and continue to do) three things to heal myself. I focused on personal healing of myself spiritually, physically, mentally.

Mental: I “shopped” around until I found the right individual counselor. She has become a good friend who cares for me and my family, and I for hers. She is also my daughter’s individual counselor. Counseling continues to be a huge blessing for both of us.

Physical: The douchebag had exploited the fact that for three years prior to DDay my head was buried in books and writing papers for a master’s. Four months after I completed it, I caught him. Prior to this point, I was determined to lose 60 lbs. anyhow, so now I had a completely different motivation. I got my training shoes back on and started jogging to lose weight. It became much more; it was/is positive endorphin therapy. I go about as fast as a turtle and still sometimes cry on farm roads, but I jogged my very first half marathon 18 months after DDay and the 60 lbs was gone. I just finished my second half marathon in April. You’ve GOT to move. The chemical benefits outweigh any sore muscles, blisters and “lack of time.” It’s for your health, and you’re a model for your kids of how to care for the caregiver.

Spiritual: I’ve been in church my whole life and had a relationship with God prior to DDay, but it may have been “warm” at best. My walk with Him today is more courageous and fearless. On DDay and after, I was at my church DAILY, on my knees with a box of tissues, crying it out, asking for direction, listening. I did this during my lunch break, and on weekends. I also listened to Pastor Rick Warren’s free podcast: Daily Hope. His 20 minute episodes saved me, and deliver faith-based messages about topics relative to our lives today. There are multi-part epidodes on topics like: How to get through what you’re going through; What to do when your world falls apart; When you feel like you’re drowning; When a marriage has ended. They’re free, and you can save episodes and go back over and over to hear them. I highly encourage you to connect spiritually, whatever that looks like for you, and keep searching until you find the right key. Warren was another major key to my healing, and I still listen every morning on my iPhone while getting ready for work, or in the car, and sometimes while I jog.

The other thing to remember is that, just like in your “marriage,” that douchebag in your scenario was a fake. What you see now is also just that: fake. He’s the SAME douchebag. Who cares that he lost weight or does martial arts? He’s still the same disordered f-wit who will screw over EVERYONE he is ever with, and he has a black belt in that! That alone is some form of justice. While you’ve worked your ass off to become a healthy and loving person again who will have better boundaries, he’s the same f-tard douchebag cheater, always running from truth, and unable to have real and lasting happiness or connection with others.

You can become better, but you have to do the work and invest in yourself. Wishing you luck, but it’s not really going to be luck that gets you there. It’s choice, and action. Good luck, chick!!

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago

Thanks so much _esq, spaceykasey, Tempest, and KibbleFree_MightyMe! I can’t believe how supportive this site is and I’m not sure how I’d get through this without Chump Nation! I was a sad sack on Wednesday too when I posed and I got so many lovely responses I meant to reply to, but instead I crawled back into bed until it was time to go to the first kiddo event.

Tempest – thanks so much for sharing about your ex. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one losing the Appearance Olympics. And of course I know that doesn’t really matter. Still, yesterday was rough.

KibbleFree – so much good advice in there. Thank you! It’s interesting you mentioned spirituality since I’ve recently started trying to go deeper in my faith. I’ve been lackadaisically attending church off and on. Now I’m trying to draw closer to God. And I especially need to get more exercise so my next goal (good idea, Tempest) is going to be to get on my exercise bike three times a week … or five times if I can make my twice/week exercise class.

I realized I didn’t give myself credit for being mighty on another goal I set this week – NOT EATING OUT (unless there’s a real reason like going out with friends). Part of my weight gain is because I got into the habit of not only eating out a lot, but also needing to constantly be putting something in my mouth. I was forever grabbing a mocha if I was anywhere in the vicinity of a Starbucks, driving out of my way for a vat of sweet tea at the Chick Fil’A, getting drive-thru sodas and milkshakes. Mostly, I couldn’t pass a coffee shop without getting something. So not only was I gaining weight, my spending was getting out of of control. Today is day six of not eating out. Now that I think about it, sugar withdrawal may have made this hard week extra hard. 🙂

kb22
kb22
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Better Days, baby steps, just take baby steps. Start with one positive health choice, just one and stick with it. No sugar is an excellent start and get on your exercise bike for 15 minutes a day and work your way up. After a month reward yourself with a new hair style, mani/pedi, spray tan, facial treatment, teeth whitening, whatever way you can treat your exterior, the interior will follow soon enough. I know it is easier said than done, but try not to dwell on your ex’s fake fabulous life. He lost some weight in a short time, big whoop. He’ll gain it back soon enough

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  kb22

This is excellent advice! My sister got me started on pedicures, I used to just kind of ignore my feet. Then, to have some sister time, she asked me to go to the foot salon with her. It was fun! We went and did it together 4 or 5 times, and then I figured – Hey, I can save 30.00 right there! Now it’s part of my own self-care ritual, every two weeks I take the time and sit in the backyard on a sunny day to pick a color, and do the toes. Little things like this have helped me a lot.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Congrats, BetterDays! Cutting way down on the drive-thru drinks is an awesome accomplishment! That really is something to be proud of.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

See, that’s a great start. Not eating out is a wonderful way to save both money and your health. It’s not just all that sugar (the calorie load of a drink at Starbuck is about 1/2 of what I would take in all day); it’s also the addiction factor. When we are under a lot of stress and start to eat sugar and/or fat to manage that (think: ice cream), then we set up a loop in which we learn to medicate ourselves with food and sugary drinks and low-nutrition junk carbohydrates. Once you establish the “not eating out” habit, then you can turn to eating clean for all or most all of your meals. Good for you!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Throw bottles of water in your car so if you get stranded out and are hungry you can go to Chick Fil A and get JUST a sandwich – DO NOT “make it a Meal” with fatty fries and sugary drinks. A grilled chicken sandwich and water can be satisfying when you know you are being good to your body and wallet. Ordering like this can become a good habit.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

BetterDays–fuck them. Mine, too, is looking on top of the world after exiting the marriage where “we grew apart” (largely because there were almost always third parties in between us). Set another small goal (you already have one in the “I swore I would NEVER miss one of my kids’ events because of him”–and that is DAMN mighty, because you survived the event and didn’t hit the idiot with a chalkboard eraser). What do you want to do first? Run a mile? Go to a ballroom dancing class? Take up photography? Throw a big Memorial day barbecue? Do it. for you.

The jackass cheaters can have their sparkly lives filled with shallow, vapid experiences and five-star impression management. They’re still nothing more than holograms, incapable of loyalty or the true connections that make life worthwhile. My X is in his million dollar mansion overlooking the lake, with his 20-year younger GF and his replacement family, jetting all over the world as his career continues to blossom. But this week, I actually felt sorry for him. His children don’t respect him, many people fear (but don’t love) him, and he will always have to look over his shoulder for the sexual-harassment-case-that-might-appear-anyday. But I could only get to pitying him by making my life better and more fulfilling than it was with him. Slow & steady. What’s your first goal?

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, you have such a way with words! You perfectly summed up how I feel about my ex.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Your perspective is much appreciated, Tempest. My ex is off this weekend to where she will not say. At first, when she asked if I would switch days so she could have the whole weekend free, I demanded to know to know where she was going. She refused. I’m sure it’s the beach or a mountain resort, great sex included. I know I shouldn’t care, and one day I won’t. But right now I’m struggling to understand how I ended up alone and if that will ever change.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

Oaktree–it’s still early on for you, and you’re in the midst of post-separation mindfuckery with the cheater. First step–stop asking about anything she is doing; grey rock grey rock grey rock: http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

After you’ve instituted grey rock, only then do you get to not caring where she goes. You won’t end up alone; but build up yourself first. Most of us have been torn down by psychologically abusive spouses long before we discovered the cheating, and healing takes a good while. Focus on friendship connections, instead. You can do this, Oaktree!

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Always–cheating was only the final straw. You’ll slowly begin to see the past with a new perspective. It can be painfully enlightening and result in growth you never knew you needed. But you will learn and become a better person.

Chumpbunny
Chumpbunny
7 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

I can’t tell you how much the comments above have resonated with me: cheating was only the final straw. I often lay on my bed reading this blog, looking out the window and thinking not just about the pain of the affair, but the pain of the marriage! The PATTERN of the marriage that brought me to this point. The contorting and shape shifting I did to endlessly make someone happy who was incapable of loving me. The years of hopium smoking that somehow this entitled, broken shitbag would emerge as the partner I needed and deserved. How I just continued to accept less and less and less. No fucking more!!

I’m only a few months into this epic nightmare and have many, many miles to travel but I am already focusing on HIM as a person over our 17 years together, not just the monster who torched our home and family to the ground in January. I already know in my heart that this is a blessing. Now, I just have to move through it…

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpbunny

Chumpbunny, sorry you’re in this spot but you’re going to be great. You have a grasp on the situation that takes a while to sink in. D-day wasn’t the beginning of something – it marked the end of a loooooooooo – t of shitty years.

I am not lonelier now that I live alone. That part’s exactly the same.

I didn’t like myself then and I’m struggling to like myself now. STBX never loved me but he liked me for a long time. Or, tolerated me. I think my whole marriage was a pick-me-dance.

I’d like to be loved for myself before I die.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

As my therapist said: can you see, that his affair (cheating in USA) was the final unacceptably hurtful PART OF A PATTERN?????

Took me ages to get it. But Sunshine is right: cheating was only the final straw, we had been beaten down, ignored and neglected way before then. The disrespect was so huge, life really is better without them.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

I used to feel bad about being alone when The Coward had his twat satellite, but then I realized I had higher standards not just for a future partner but for life in general, and then I quit beating myself up. When you’re ready you’ll be ready. Focus on building a life of your own, and creating new sources of joy and love and self-respect

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Mmmhmmm. I used to feel bad too. It seemed like my cheater-ex was able to remarry and be happy with someone perfect for him. Not the mistress – they broke up before I was done divorcing him. I then learned that their marriage looks like the Jerry Springer show, soap opera style. WAY too much drama and potential STD exposure for me! I’m so glad I’m out of that lifestyle. Don’t forget that our cheater exes are used to living a facade. I’d rather live an authentic life with friends that actually reciprocate.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  JannaG

Amen!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

If she asks to switch days, ask yourself if that works for you. Don’t feed her kibbles by asking her what she is doing. Just trust that she sucks and whatever she has or wherever she goes, it won’t be enough for her.

As for you–you ended up alone because you were with someone who lacks character, who operates on entitlement, and who is willing to torch the family for her own pleasure. And yes, it CAN change but only if you do the work of fixing your picker instead of thinking about her. Once your focus is on creating a life that you love and cultivating the resilience to withstand the tough times, everything else falls into place.

Grace
Grace
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Dear oaktree, my XH puts dates in the childrens calender ‘by mistake’, tells me he needs the weekend off and I can see him waiting for my question. I don’t ask. Even when I see him after an event, he wants to tell but I refuse to listen. LovedaJackass is right, it is kibbles to ask her where she goes. “See, he still cares, poor thing / mighty me”.
Reason you ended up alone? You probably are not living for drama, but you deal with drama in favor of love and joy. You probably cared. That is sooooo mature, yuch! Please stay who you are and focus on building up your life.

spaceykasey
spaceykasey
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Totally feeling you Better Days…. _esq is right though, we must somehow stop obsessing over the jerk and start finding something, anything, good in ourselves to focus on. I keep saying, it’s normal to feel this way and then I wonder when I will stop feeling so helpless and bitter? But then I realize, I can’t rush this, I need to feel all of this ickiness in order to move forward and then slowly it will get better- atleast that’s what all the “Mehs” say- I think about how he is rushing into “dating” skipping the mourning phase and the “cleaning out baggage” phase- some day it will catch up with him and he will be stuck in his slump wondering how I am so healthy and happy…. And the best part is, I won’t even care! Now that is something to look forward to!!

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  spaceykasey

“And the best part is, I won’t even care!” That’s a great goal for the both of us!

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Better day, stay the course who cares that impression boy lost weight. That is temporary fix to “his long term dilemna” his not yours. My ExH lost like 20 lbs during his cheating. He in 53 and his scumbalina, is 23.
Guess what, his whore turned momma (daddy issued) freak is having a baby! Yes such joy!
Well grandpa daddy, I heard gain it back plus some! Must be sympathy pounds . Lmao
Who cares if you have meat on your bones! You are much healthier without that jagoff!
Your name better days affirms your minds path.
??

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  JeanM

53 and 23. That’s just sick. Really. I saw a much older man holding the hand of a 20 something last night at the bar. Yuck.

So there are the certain men that will say “Yeah!” to that, and a few stupid women that will say love knows no age, but I’m guessing the other 90% of people in that crowded bar, no matter what their morals, age, etc. were laughing just as hard inside at that lost man as I was.

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

WNM, and yes, the door prize!
But wait, a brand new baby, imagine that! What fools they are. Can’t break the cycle.
Abandons one family for a new one, yet to at one point, walk away!
I trust they suck, but really, you need to force an issue to prove you suck!
This kid is delusional, at best!
Guillable, naive and straight stupid.
I feel pity and greatly sad, cause that girl one day will get a wake up call. And the cycle continues!
Just straight sadness, in my gut I feel it!

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Better Days, you are exactly where you need to be. Your asshole ex had a huge head start on getting fit as he had checked out well before you knew anything.

You’re experiencing the immediate aftermath – which is like being in the hospital hooked up to all the machines after a car wreck.

And you’re still measuring yourself in comparison to him.

Who gives a fuck what he’s doing or what he looks like. People who lack a conscience may seem pretty on the outside but they’re poison. Fatal poison. Look at all the fairy tales. They remind us that things that look too good to be true are, in fact, too good to be true.

Fortunately, it’s only going to get better for you from now on. You’ve lived through a stressful and challenging experience and it’s over. The next one won’t be nearly as triggering. And the one after that. And on until Tuesday.

You are going to heal and life is going to feel hopeful. This is the beginning. Imagine a future where you look the way you want, you do what you enjoy, you’re surrounded by people who love all this about you.

Don’t give up. It’s just a bad day. Or a bad bunch of days.

_esq
_esq
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

I have gained weight too. I hate it- but it doesn’t define me. Nor does it you. Please take some time for yourself to grocery shop healthily and possibly exercise. I totally understand if your can’t get off the couch. Maybe lift your arm over your head as you grab the next chip. 🙂

Hugs and prayers. Good vibes sent your way.

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago
Reply to  _esq

I gained weight when I divorced too. About 20 pounds. And I have a fast metabolism and struggle to avoid being underweight! For awhile there, I really felt like I could not lose the weight. All the weight came off as I began to eat healthier again.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  _esq

“Maybe lift your arm over your head as you grab the next chip.” LOL!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

Good on you, LynnZi! That takes a lot of self-awareness and moxie, to resist getting sucked into that kind of “contest”. You are indeed mighty!

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

LynnZi, if you do as you say, you just put Meh on your map! Congrats!

Chumpzilla
Chumpzilla
7 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

That’s right!

confused.com
confused.com
7 years ago

Thank you for this. It’s liar scumbags birthday today and I have been struggling!! Mightiness check is definitely needed.

So this time last year I was planning a surprise birthday party for a man that had beaten me up again and wasn’t speaking to ME because I had fought back for once. He refused to speak to me at the party even look at me or open any of my presents from me and our son. It was very awkward for everyone there. When he started speaking to the young girl he worked with i got upset and left. A mutual friend asked him outright if something was going on with her and i was upset with my friend for thinking that. She obviously didnt know him I said to myself. I later found out that as soon as we left he cracked open a bottle of champagne to celebrate his birthday with this girl and he hadn’t spoken to me as he’d told her we were divorcing. How he managed to talk his way out of the fact that his supposed ex wife had planned him a party is beyond me… less than a month later it all came out and I knew the truth.

so Mightiness check. I am a single mum to a 3 year old I have a beautiful house and garden for the first ever time (I was never allowed to buy nice things before) I have managed to get my dream job teaching science at college (I found out about the affair on the day I passed my teaching degree – thank god I invested those 2 years for my future when things started getting really violent and scary) and have used everything I learnt from chump lady to get my mum away from her psycho husband, she stayed with us and then we sorted her own house out for her. But my biggest Mightiness is that after 12 years of been made to feel that financially I was useless and worthless I have come to realise that it was just a control method and that we are actually better than ever now financially.

Didn’t sleep a lot last night thinking about how I used to put cupboard in front of the spare bedroom door so that I felt safe when me and my son slept in there to get away from him. Constantly trying and tryin to do something to get him to see my as worthy. Keep trying must keep trying! ! My whole life was walking on eggshells…. getting freed from that life is mighty as I never even realised how bad it was at the time.

Thank you chump lady for your life lessons. I wouldn’t have left him if fate/god made me find your site.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Confused,
Your ex sounds like my STBX, an antisocial, borderline, narcissistic adulterer. Even putting things in front of the door of the room you shared with your child to protect yourself from the monster you married. (For a moment, I thought I was the only one that did that.) Good for you for making tremendous strides in spite of having had a gigantic (dangerous) bowling ball attached to you for years!

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Interesting. It’s my liar scumbags birthday today too. Maybe something in the stars…….

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Holy crap, confused.com. Your name does NOT reflect your condition. You should be called Amazing.com!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Onward, onward, ever onward. Thanks for sharing your story confused.com. Mighty, mighty.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Awesome job chump.com! You really are mighty!

Star
Star
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Yes, yes, yes! I love these happily ever after alone stories. Stay mighty! I myself am having a great time. Just having a quiet, comfortable apartment to go home to at the end of the day is such a blessing, after years of being an unpaid servant. I’ll also be moving out of this expensive apartment soon (that I got with his exholeness) to a smaller apartment better fit for me and my darling dog at 1/4 the price. With the savings, I’ll be able to afford a therapist and travel more.

He used to make feel bad about wanting nice things for myself, too. Now, I buy make up, get dolled up and it feels good (he always accused me of wanting to cheat on him whenever I tried to look pretty, wtf!!). I’ve also applied for this awesome job that gives twice the salary I have now… Also applying for a lot of scholarships for my masters, so, hopefully, some of those pan out. I’ve never been this content in my life. If anything, I know what I want in life now, what kind of relationship I want to be in. I’m even thinking of dating again… Of course, there are bad days, but even the worst days are better than the good ones I had with him.

confused.com
confused.com
7 years ago
Reply to  Star

Well done star you are mighty! !

Even the worst days are better that the good ones I had with him… yes yes yes!!

I was once told ‘fill your home with only things u are in love with’ and I think it follows on from the life message of don’t ever settle for mediocre. Demand the best. I was always too insecure to demand anything. Anything or anyone interested in me just made me so grateful hence liar scumbag got his claws into me as a fragile 18yr old just by showing me some attention. Never again!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Applause for you both, Star and confused.com! Your relationships didn’t keep you down, you are rising up from the ashes.

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Amazing, all this in a year confused? U r awesome ?

confused.com
confused.com
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Thank you digbert. I have been inspired and empowered by all the fellow chumps on here

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

“Constantly trying and trying to do something to get him to see me as worthy.” I’m not sure why I placed so much value of his opinion of me. He’s a cheater and pathological liar. Why did I care so much about the opinion of someone with that kind of character?

confused.com
confused.com
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Exactly. How did we get committed to these monsters? ? How did I fall for it? Until I figure it out I refuse to even think about dating.

JK
JK
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

They look normal and don’t come wearing a “I’m a monster” sign, so we don’t see them as the predators they really are until it’s too late.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  JK

JK- I totally agree. Predators make sure we are not aware of their existence or how they operate. Spiders create transparent webs, jungle preditors blend in the background and are stealth. And if we’re not aware, then we’re vulnerable. We see the signs and when we bring it to their attention, they further disarm us, by lying about their intentions. The whole point is to ensure we are not able to protect ourselves, so these predators can have their way, all to our entire detriment.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Confused.com we committed to these monsters because their masks weren’t transparent.

When you decide to date again, the trick is to know what they have done in the past so you can then know what they will do in the future.

They have to earn the right for you to even contemplate the thought of believing any of their words.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

^^THIS^^… the trick is to know what they have done in the past. Victim #4 doesn’t have a problem with Mr. Sparkles having 3 exes and 6 kids. They’ve “communicated” everything about their pasts to each other and are only focused on the future.

She is even willing to overlook his Adult Friend Finder ad that was posted throughout the entire beginning of their relationship, choosing to believe “he left it up by accident.”

That right there shows me she didn’t do this gruesome healing process from her first marriage in order to know better the second time.

I will NEVER again ignore the red flags in the name of “twu wuv”. And, until I can love myself every day, no matter my weight or bank account balance… I’m not available to anyone except a parasite… and I don’t want that experience ever again.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
7 years ago

And, until I can love myself every day, no matter my weight or bank account balance… I’m not available to anyone except a parasite… and I don’t want that experience ever again. THIS

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago

“She is even willing to overlook his Adult Friend Finder ad that was posted throughout the entire beginning of their relationship, choosing to believe “he left it up by accident.””

That’s another one for the They’re All The Same file. The Entitled One told me the same thing when I confronted him about his sex ad that was running during wreckonciliation. And then he lied to me about the last time he’d been on OkCupid until I told him I had screen shots showing when he’d been online. Best of luck to the twentysomething he’s with now – I guess he had to go young to find someone who’d believe his bullshit.

NCStevie
NCStevie
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

I’ll second your Amen… same here!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

I think this is a normal dynamic, meaning trying to get the person we care about to see that we are good, valuable and worthy. Heck I did this with my asshole narcissistic parents for 37 years, until I got violently ill and started harboring suicidal thoughts. That’s when I realized that it’s not supposed to be this way, that my very own parents were out to destroy me. It’s only *after* I realized my parents were my enemy, that I cut off all contact and started healing. The same thing happened to you, it’s once we realize we’re dealing with the enemy that we stop this approval seeking behavior. You did what you could at the time, with the information you had at the time.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Preach it, Kellia. It makes such a difference when we “take out the garbage” and get the toxic people out of our lives!

Good for you!

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  confused.com

Amen! I wonder that all the time

notadoormat
notadoormat
7 years ago

This week I bought my very own house all by MYSELF. The mortgage is in my name and my name only. I’ll be doing all the work on my own or organizing the contractors all by myself. I’ve organized the move all by myself.
And cheater ex feels very left out and wonders if he’s “lost face” with the neighbors because he’s not been helping me out (because I won’t let him).
But it’s MY home – mine, mine, mine. And he’s not going to set foot in it any time soon.

conniered
conniered
7 years ago
Reply to  notadoormat

Me too! Just bought the most perfect house ever!!!! It’s all MINE! I call it my Valentine’s Day house because that’s the day I saw it and fell in love with it. My son and I couldn’t be happier! Close to family and school and the gym, great neighbors and friends. It’s just adorable.

JK
JK
7 years ago
Reply to  notadoormat

Congratulations, NAD! What an accomplishment! I’m proud for you. Way to get up, take charge, and make something positive happen for yourself.

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
7 years ago
Reply to  notadoormat

notadoormat, he is NEVER going to step foot inside YOUR house!!! You should seriously implement that. I bought my very own house 4 months after d-day and mid-divorce and he has never been in my house and he never will be. EVER. He stays on the porch at drop off and he waits outside (and I don’t care if it’s 20 below, because fuck him) on the days he has to pick her up at my house.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  notadoormat

Oh, the terrible loss of impression management. Just goes to show what matters to your cheater ex.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  notadoormat

Awesome, Notadoormat!! You’re taking care of YOU (and he’s stuck at the curb). Well-done!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

+1

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

After a decade of trying to leave because of the abuse and affairs and always being sucked back in, and all the horrible counseling and advice, divorce was finally done last May! House was sold in October and I moved to the country. I am growing veggies and raising chickens. Every day I get up and am thankful for the peace and joy that I have in my life. Plus, I have a new guy that treats me like I am the best thing that happened to him as opposed to my X that treated me like I was something he was trying to scapre off his shoe.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago

That’s the best – that’s what a lot of us here are wishing to find.

Sionara
Sionara
7 years ago

Kicked him out; found a great lawyer; went from part-time to full-time job; joined the board of a local organization; lost 35 pounds; ordered exercise bike and assembled it myself; gave my first powerpoint presentation; was invited to read my poetry at a local event–and accepted!; published two haiku; became a better friend and more compassionate person overall. Still struggling over what the future holds. Lonely. But mighty!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Sionara

Congrats, Sionara. You are mighty!

kaycan
kaycan
7 years ago
Reply to  Sionara

Awesome! I’d totally hang out with you (and read poetry) if you lived nearby! I recently realized that I lost the poetic part of myself in my marriage, which I chalked up to “life changes after kids” but now I realize was “Cheater Ex destroyed anything that wasn’t about him.” I’m hoping to find that part of me again. And I love haiku!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

“Cheater Ex destroyed anything that wasn’t about him.”

Most of our marriages in a nutshell.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Or took what we loved and made it about him, thus destroying it for us.

arlo
arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tried anyway. Didn’t tho.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

So true.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago

I tossed his lying, cheating, cheap, sorry ass out on the one and only Dday! Took some time off for myself and myself only. Bought a new car, made new friends and started some new hobbies. Truth be told I love living alone…no devaluing, no discard, no more Hotel to all his ungrateful relatives. Started a new job that I love, AND I am dating myself. We seem to get along beautifully! Getting closer to MY family. My anxiety has decreased, my depression is gone. I finally am looking forward to a future with excitement and not dread.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Wow, that is inspirational, NMSB! I can’t wait for the anxiety and depression to be gone, and it’s great to hear it’s possible, thanks!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Celebrated my birthday with joy….and cake. Last birthday was also my D-day and I never thought my birthday could ever bring me joy again. I was so wrong! Narkles the Clown hadn’t bought me anything in years. I always planned a family outing that I came to find out he would complain about to The Flying Whore.

This year I woke up alone in my bed smiling, had a great day at work, celebrated with my kid who bought me a wonderful present, thanks to a nudge from my mom. The weekend that followed I had a fabulous time on a date with my former therapy partner. It was like our two months of mandated time away from each other never happened. We continue to see each other on days I am without my kid. We are taking it slow. No love bombing. No grand gestures. No games. Spending time together doing activities with both enjoy while getting to know each other, and inside my head I keep asking “so this is what a healthy relationship is like?”

Love you all so much for the support over the past year!

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

“The Flying Whore.” I’m picturing Sally Field in leather and fishnets. Hilarious! Not only are you guys all mighty, you’re mighty funny.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

+1

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

That’s awesome. One of my goals for next year is to reclaim my birthday. I suspect a lot of us had birthdays ignored or ruined year after year by cheaters.

konger99
konger99
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Mine filed for divorce on my bday (got to it b4i could) and picking up my kid for his six weeks of summer on my bday. But hey never forgets to wish me a happy bday. Douche bag status

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

My birthday was pretty much ignored for the first 12 years of our marriage. He always got me a card. Presents not so much. Never got me a cake. Never took me out for lunch or dinner. Never got my flowers (flowers TWICE in 20 years!) HOWEVER, I made a fuss for every one of his birthdays. Homemade cake. Nice meal. Invited his family over. Card and presents. And of course every year he remembered to go out for lunch with a woman from college who shared the same (or close) birthday with him. Take your wife out for her birthday? Hell, no! Go out for lunch with female college friend. Of course! No need to make your wife feel special one day out of the year. She’s fine. Toss a couple of crackers at her and she’ll keep being a chump.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Once we’ve recovered from this abuse, we wonder why we tolerated it.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Two weeks before stbx finally left was my birthday. On a Sunday. He was with OW all weekend. Strolls in like nothing Sunday night. I excused myself to other room. He comes in and says, “This may not be a good time, but Happy Birthday.”
LOL
What an idiot.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

UGH!! Idiot doesn’t begin to describe that. What an ass!! So great to be rid of that!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Woo hoo, AOK! Migh-tay migh-tay!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

About time a chump got some CAKE!!

Owlychic
Owlychic
7 years ago

This year my divorce was final after X drug it out for 2 years. And…..I GOT A JOB!!! I’ve run an in home daycare for 14 years and I finally broke out and got an outside of the house job. With adults…and no poopy diapers…and lunch breaks…and real paychecks that I don’t have to beg for…and potential happy hours…and a 30 min commute ALONE in my car…ohhhhh, the positives are endless. And!!! I was hired ON THE SPOT!!! I’m not the worthless POS the X made me out to be.

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
7 years ago
Reply to  Owlychic

Owly, you most certainly have value!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Owlychic

You are the exact opposite of what he said. Just remember they are projecting their insecurities onto you. You are doing great! Enjoy the adult life!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Excellent point, lostntx. They do indeed project their insecurities onto us. Their power to do so disappears when we wake up to that.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago

I’m still doing my best to be the present, sane parent for sons (21, 19, 15) who still live at home. They all have a lot of feelings anger, resentment and frustration about their father that comes out in disrespect and nastiness to me and each other. There are days it feels like X never left. Breeding with a fucktard is a never-ending suck fest in so many ways.

I’m mighty because I haven’t outwardly cracked yet? Or eaten my young?

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago

Oh yes indeed, C&L. You are mightiness personified.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago

Stay the course, CandL. You have a heavy load. Small wonder you are finding the carrying of it difficult. Time and durability are your friends. You HAVE been mighty!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago

Chutes, you are mighty. Three sons would probably do me in. I have a cross stitch on my kitchen wall that says: Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken. During the teen years, that is how I felt. They all came around in their late twenties.

THANK YOU JESUS.

In the end, they will see your Herculean strength. Stay strong, Chutes.

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

OMG, my 2 oldest are teens and every day I want to give up. I don’t know how I ignored the warnings all these years that the teenager stage is the worst part. I guess I didn’t believe that my sweet babies could turn into these monsters. Now I’m wishing I didn’t have 4 🙁
Seriously, want to give up daily. And also, I come here for support, because we all rode the same roller coaster, but I am jealous when people here say that their kids are doing amazing things and thriving without the asshat around. My kids are doing better, for sure, but they are disappointing me in many ways too, and it makes me wonder if I’m the problem.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

My boys (22 & 26) are great….NOW. I’ve always loved them but most days didn’t like them very much. I know why lions eat their young. Stay the course. It gets better.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

JBaby,
I get envious, too, hearing about how great other people’s kids are doing. One of my kids has several serious learning disabilities that became apparent to me when he was a toddler. Having a special needs child who you know will not outgrow his disabilities, will very likelly never get finish or even get into college and will struggle to find and keep a job that pays enough to sustain him is very hard, especially when your STBX/ex fights you in allowing him to get services that might benefit him and his family and blames you for any family dysfunction because ‘You (Chump) just don’t appreciate our son,’ and ‘You (Chump) need to get therapy to stop being so negative to our kids.’

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I’m so sorry, RSW. It’s just so unfair that we can’t just be the best parents we know how to be. There’s so much opposition and so much judgment. I don’t know about you, but looking at my newborns’ faces, I never imagined that years down the road I would be so helpless watching them struggle. I never imagined that they would be standing in their own way, foolishly derailing themselves, or that their own father would be rooting against them, just hoping for me to fail. God bless you for what you go through for your children.

BraveAgain
BraveAgain
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

The most powerful Mom phrases:
“Ok. I will remember that.” (When they refuse to cooperate. Later, when they inevitably want something, just raise one eyebrow. Power!)
“Fine, I will do it myself.” (This one feels like a threat to free-will at any age.)
“Good luck with that.” (When they have a foolish notion)
And
Then a casual compliment to their achievements within their earshot to a stranger or guest: “You know, I’ve noticed that no one else knows all the lyrics to Jeff Buckley’s song as well as DD14.”

BraveAgain
BraveAgain
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

JBaby,
Your time with your kids is too precious to lecture or instill ‘trust’ guilt. Get to know them. Help them. Observe them. Listen to them. Teach by example (and quietly). Every time you talk to them do it with respect and love. Otherwise they are getting a mama-fuck-over. It may seem like everything will fall apart without pressure from you, but it won’t. Order will spontaneously happen if you are quiet…trust me, this is one of the beautiful laws of the universe. Stay serene. Let them feel in control of somethings. If the 14 y.o. is being sexual, my money is on: control. She wants control of something. Regain her trust! Soon, the mantle of adulthood will be on her anyways. You are a good mother. Your teenagers know that. You don’t have to do anything but give them 1.) shelter, 2.) problem solving tools (ask, ask, ask: what have you tried to fix this problem?). Be their coach NOT their referee. 3.) Get to know them.

Best wishes!!!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

It doesn’t help that their disordered father shows up when they’re just about out of their own holes they’ve dug themselves to shove them right back down.

Oldest is turning 21 this week and has struggled with no self esteem, no motivation and addiction. His father’s birthday gift? A trip to Las Vegas to drink, learn how to gamble and possibly bag a whore (because it’s legal).

I’m not kidding.

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago

Yuck, Chutes. But that is how they roll. Years ago, right after we split up, Mr Fab got Kiddo an iphone, after I expressly said her attention issues meant she shouldn’t have a web enabled phone. Kiddo Ended up being cyberbullied for years. Not in the same league, but the same dynamic. Kiddo is about to go visit her donor for a month (another continent) and she said that very thing yesterday after a fight-that she is sliding toward the hole again. I hope you have let your 21 yo kiddo that it is perfectly okay not to go……

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

Jbaby 14-15 is a rotten year. Be firm, set limits, and set expectation. It is not enough to tell them what they can’t do, you have to be really clear about what is expected as well. Always tell them you love them no matter what at the end of each day. Tell them you have faith that they will grow up to be good people. Take the ipads away. Turn off the wifi and internet until report cards. Then come up with some sort of formula for earning it back, all 4 of the must contribute. I am sure they are sliding on chores too. Everyone needs to contribute to keeping the house in order, you are not a door mat or slave. My youngest is 19 and mostly is doing fine but really it was so so hard. Parenting is just not for sissies.

And as I will tell you, it would be 10X harder with a disordered fucktard undermining you at every step. So count your lucky stars he is not there. Oh and anyone who tells you that they swanned through the teenage years is either 1) lying or a lying narc mother and just walk away.

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago

Thanks, ringin. You’re right, they are not very good about chores. Surprisingly, though, the best contributor is my oldest. She helps me out without my asking, cooks dinner sometimes, cleans her own room pretty well (albeit sporadically), and does her own laundry. She really would be a great kid, and I would be beaming proud of her, if it wasn’t for her poor grades and the recent development of sexual activity.

And, unfortunately, my usually self-absorbed ex has suddenly been paying lots of attention to the grades of both of my oldest 2, and alerting me (even though I already knew) to our oldest’s sexual activity. So the undermining is totally happening, just from afar, and much more finger-pointy because he’s not at all involved with oldest 2 anymore. It’s like now that they are being exclusively cared for by me, they’re doing so much worse. Really can’t tell if it’s me or if it’s the being a teenager that’s the problem.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

JBaby–I have a 15 year old daughter who has her moments of wonderfulness, but is generally so taxing that I am counting down the days to her first day of college (1185 days). Stay the course; set limits, don’t move the limits because of teenage drama or rudeness, call them on their nonsense (WITH consequences–reason has limited applicability to teens). One day their ugly ducklingness will morph into a swan. Let’s just hope we can survive the next few years to see it ; ).

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks Tempest. My weakness is limits, which is why I worry that I am the problem. My kids are all glued to their iPod screens (which I bought them, sigh) and unwilling to focus on their schoolwork and grades. When I turn off the wi-fi they start negotiating to get it back, which is short-term effective as far as getting them to meet their obligations at that moment. My younger two do well in school because they’re smart and their work is very easy for them. It’s the two in middle school which are cutting decades off of my life. The older is almost 14, barely passed her core classes this year, did not meet the criteria to walk with her class at promotion, and just lost her virginity :'( .
My second oldest is very private, password-protects everything, is doing even worse in school (not turning in work that she does bc she is too shy to approach the teacher, lying to me about hw so I don’t make her do it, generally not caring at all about her grades), is getting overweight bc she sneaks food, and tries to avoid personal hygiene. When I think about my younger two getting into their teenage years before older two are even finished putting me through the wringer, I just don’t know how I’ll do it unless I just go numb and stop caring.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

When my daughter was failing biology, I instituted a 1.5 hour/night study session downstairs with me, no media + I check her homework. She slammed the door one too many times during the drama of that period–I took it off the hinges and she had to earn it back.

They do make instituting limits very tough on us. But…it’s the only thing that works. Both the reasoning and the consequences-neural pathways have to be activated for better behavior (Larzelere found reasoning+ consequences worked best with preschoolers, too–and there are many similarities!!).

It is painful, but I adopted this mindset: “My job is to get you to graduate. And to make sure you leave the house with morals and pro-social behaviors. My job is not to get you to like me. I hope you do, but too bad if you don’t.” Ironically, they’ll like us better in the long run if we DO set limits (but they would never admit this). Is that a kind of numbness on my part? Possibly, but it’s adaptive. Being their buddy is not in our parental job description.

I’ve got your back! We can inspire each other when limits are called for (I’ll be thinking of you, JBaby, next week as I institute draconian measures for DD15’s finals week!)

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

When my youngest just turned 18 and had graduated I told him he could not take his car out. He did anyway after storming out of the house. I called the cops and told them if he didn’t bring it back, arrest him (it was insured and registered to me and although he bought it I was on the title). The cops went out and found him at a party with all his friends. He tried to argue with the cops but they told him my decision. He left the party and came home. He then packed a bag and said he could live my my rules so he was moving out. It was a very difficult and sleepless night.

The next evening he asked to come over and talk. He said he wanted to come home because I didn’t understand “how horrible it is out there.” I told him he was welcomed to come home, but the rules were the same. His attitude was much better after that. He now laughs at the night mom called the cops.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Great story, Annie. Yup, kids need love and structure (sometimes more of one than the other).

My favorite parenting story is of a mother whose son kept skipping classes. She warned and warned to no avail. So one day she decided to show up to the school with his lunch, dressed in bathrobe with old-fashioned curlers in her hair. The mother asked to deliver the lunch to his classroom herself. The son stopped his truancy after that.

My brother also had a creative solution–his teen boys were bickering in the backseat on the way to high school, and would not stop no matter what warnings he issued. Finally he said, “If you don’t stop fighting, when I drop you off, I’m going to get out of the car and shout, “K____, J____, I love you!” as you walk down the sidewalk.” Total silence reigned after that.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Lol–I love that door story, JBaby! We are leading parallel lives; perhaps we should do a daughter-swap for a week?

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

BTDT, and still doing that. Both my girls have to do their HW at the kitchen table every night. And it takes longer than 1.5 hours! My oldest will do anything to not devote any attention to school work. She’ll listen to music while she’s working at a snail’s pace (claiming that the music helps her do the work). When I point out that she’s not focusing and give her a chance to correct it, she just continues on paying more attention to her music. So I take her iPod and she then refocuses her attention on singing whatever song is in her head. Tell her to stop and concentrate on doing the work and she will laugh at whatever is happening in the room, with her siblings, with the dog, or just randomly remembering something funny that happened that day.

She long ago had her locking doorknob replaced with a dummy knob because I warned her that her privacy is a privilege and she went ahead and did the thing I told her not to do. I told her the whole door is next if I can’t trust her.

Funny story: she didn’t come home when she promised she would and while I was waiting for her I removed the screws from the door hinge in her bedroom. Well I guess the paint on the door jamb held the door up after the screws were removed, so I left it like that, picturing that when she got home and I confronted her she might try to go straight to her room and close the door on me, and the door would just fall right off the wall. Well the door just stayed up there, and later I went in to lecture her about how I keep giving her chances to show me her maturity and that she keeps doing things that make me think my trust is misplaced. So she pretty much had me talking to myself, wouldn’t answer any of my questions, as she does whenever I lecture her. So I reminded her that she’s a pretty lucky kid to have so much ‘stuff’, and that she would start losing things, one by one, if I couldn’t trust her to make mature decisions. She demanded, “like what?!”, as if she were some poor deprived child and I had already taken everything from her. So I got up from where I was sitting and walked over to the door and ripped it off the wall like Hulk. She couldn’t believe what she had seen! Started taking pictures and texting her friends that her crazy mother ripped the door right off its hinges, lol. I told her, make sure you tell your friends that you lost your privacy because I couldn’t trust you. The whole scene might not have been very effective because we both laughed at what I had done, in the moment, and for weeks after.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

“: Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.”

Hysterical! I love that!

jumper
jumper
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

+1 That’s a keeper!

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
7 years ago

You are mighty chutes!

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago

Yes. Yes, you are.

NarcBait
NarcBait
7 years ago

A year ago I was I knew something was wrong. I read the “save your marriage by doing more laundry ” books. Started working out , lost 15#. Long story short the divorce will be final next month. I have my life, my kids and my house. I’m over 50 and can do six chin-ups. STBXW gets the man she always deserved. …..married serial cheater.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  NarcBait

Way to go on the chin-ups!!! That is impressive for anyone not to mention someone over 50. Keep at it

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Yes, indeed. I aspire to one chin-up.

arlo
arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I aspire to one chin LOL!

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  arlo

I usually don’t use lol, but I was laughing so hard at this I scared the cat off my lap.

Alexandra
Alexandra
7 years ago

That was truly awesome!

GraceInMotion
GraceInMotion
7 years ago
Reply to  NarcBait

There is some comfort in watching Karma do her work. You are mighty. Six chin-ups also makes you impressive! Live long and live well!

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago

With the awesome help from a new colleague, I finalized arrangements to lead a month-long study program in Costa Rica. I filed for an extension to get the taxes done, ’cause that was not happening by April 15.

Probably the mightiest thing I have done – I have quit sending her the “fuck you, you bitch” texts. But I think about doing it every.single.day. Many, many times, every single day. So, to not do it at all is quite an accomplishment! And hey, she’s still alive, right! 🙂

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

Good one oaktree 🙂 I finally texted satan to ‘stay away from me you sick fuck’ … just before I blocked him everyway I could…now if I could just figure out how to keep him from drivin round my house…hummm.

I am so happy for you! You are gettin there! We all are 🙂

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

I have to admit – I hear these stories of cheaters who become stalkers and won’t leave their victims alone, and it’s sounds kind of …nice? I would love it if she showed me even the slightest bit of attention, but that is just not in the cards. Don’t get me wrong, I know if I were in your shoes I’d probably hate it and would do anything to get the asshole to just leave me alone, but being totally ghosted after 25 years together is also very disturbing. Funny how these two versions of chumpdom exist, no?

chris1731
chris1731
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

Oaktree, I’m the same boat.
If I Didn’t have two teenage daughters I’d send those texts too…I sent some to her affair partner but he quickly blocked me..LOL

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  chris1731

Yeah, it’s SO tempting sometimes! I mean it when I say that overcoming the urge to send those texts is my mightiest feat of the past few months. I now understand it’s not in my best interest. It was just pure rage that had to come out, and I forgive myself for the ones I did send.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  chris1731

Don’t send the texts. They can be used against you. You will regret sending them when your pain subsides–and it will subside. Go ahead and write your feelings electronically, edit them as you wish, but keep those feelings private. It can be so therapeutic. A year from now you will be soooo glad you never shared these with ex and OP. They don’t care–or, worse, they delight in your pain and anger. So don’t indulge them. Ghost them back. Refuse to reveal anything about your life. You’ll find it empowering. Trust me. I’ve been there.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

You are so right–sending them texts and emails just feeds their need for centrality and reinforces their false narrative that you are the one with problems.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

I, too, was ghosted after nearly 25 years, 3 kids, grad school, holidays, vacations, extended families, etc. together. And you know what? It’s a major mind fuck–and a gift. They don’t reel you back in time after time after time only to stomp on your heart and crush your soul and humiliate you over and over and over. They don’t love you nor anyone else for that matter, and you’re rid of their toxic destruction just like that, in the blink of an eye. And now you get to heal. You’ll probably never understand why someone you thought you loved could hurt you so coldly. You don’t think like they think. Thank God for that. Or your mom, or whomever else nurtured your soul. You at least have one. Work on forgiving yourself for not recognizing the signs of soullessness earlier than you did. Focus on creating the rest of your life. Who are you, and what do you want to do and to be? How can you express yourself creatively, intellectually, emotionally? How will you grow? What are your goals? What are your favorite things in life?
Don’t waste time wishing for them to come back. You were given a second chance at a new life. Seize it!

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Miss Sunshine, this is a great observation:

“It’s a major mind fuck–and a gift. They don’t reel you back in time after time after time only to stomp on your heart and crush your soul and humiliate you over and over and over. They don’t love you nor anyone else for that matter, and you’re rid of their toxic destruction just like that, in the blink of an eye.”

It is a gift that STBX didn’t love me (couldn’t). He was just a toxic bacteria. Like e coli.

I’ve had a running conversation in my head with him since d-day seven months ago. I doubt he remembers my name (although, in the handful of emails we’ve exchanged in this time, he refers to me by my darling family nickname. It makes me want to vomit) – I don’t think I register on his radar except as a nuisance since I refuse to give him all my money.

Anyway, your post gives me motivation to try to shut that one-sided conversation down. He didn’t love me.

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Me too, Oaktree, just like Miss Sunshine, I was married 25 years, 3 kids, grad school, holidays, vacations, we had a great life (I thought). When I caught him cheating and having lived a double life for decades, my ex also “ghosted” on me and our children. Literally left without even most of his clothes. He hasn’t seen our kids, it’s been 4-plus years! He is gone, and I understand he has married one of his AP’s. It is both hard and easy, we are in parts lucky and unlucky, I think.

No contact is a breeze, and we are not sucked in with their drama. On the other hand, nothing says “fuck you, I couldn’t care less” than the disappearing act. The added slap in the face to me is that he does not even care enough to make an effort to see our children. I have no illusions, that is his ultimate “fuck you” to me.

So I accept that I will never get “closure.” But on the other hand, I was able to move on very quickly since there was in reality nothing (real) to mourn and nothing to deal with except his absence. I decided shortly after my divorce that I would be damned if he was going to destroy me, and if what he did to me was going to be the last story in my romantic life. And now, over 4 years post D-Day I am (much more happily) remarried. My kids hardly missed a beat, and are all doing well, although they do have major trust issues. But we have circled our wagons around each other, protect and love each other, and have each others’ backs. I believe the fact that they did not have to deal with ex and his AP’s, and sick lifestyle, and any mindgames, saved them (and me) in many ways.

Anyhow, you can get by and through this, oaktree, give it time.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Jeep–will landmines in the road work? (perhaps computerized to detonate only for his car?)

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Or detonate around his car like those mentos and coke videos.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

I love this. Hell yes, that’s progress, oaktree!

kaycan
kaycan
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

I’m guessing that a month in Costa Rica will cure you of the desire to send those texts! You are mighty!

had-it
had-it
7 years ago

Wow did I need this today!!! Tomorrow is the one year anniversary date of my divorce. Saturday is the 2 year anniversary date of my husband of 35 years telling me he was getting an apartment, needed to get his head screwed on straight and he could do that better alone. Had nothing to do with us, he loved me…. said the same thing in my birthday card a few days later, he said to have faith in him, this would make our marriage stronger….. then the next 10 months me and his kids and family trying to be there for him, help him, even when he was out with his “new friends” . (he got lonely!? Which is what happens when you “want to be alone” dumbass). We were there for him right up to the night I discovered his affair with the 29 year old fiancé of one of his employees. They all 3 hung out together…. yuck.. can you imagine, you and your lover and your fiancé out to dinner, watching TV and fixing meals together…… both of them just wonderful people. Anyway, found out this week he and the slut are getting married next weekend, oh and by the way, a new baby is on the way!!! Of course he or his family that I was a part of for so long didn’t tell me or his kids, we had to find out thru the rumor mill. Luckily for me I am no contact and his kids have had nothing to do with him since the affair was discovered. Which of course is my fault, “he can just imagine the poison they have been fed”.
Now my mightiness check….. got THE BEST KIDS EVER!!! AND a new grand baby (never knew what true euphoria was until I held her in my arms!!!). Wonderful family, new apartment, new job, do what I want when I want and how I want….. Next week me and my kids are off to Florida for a FAMILY vacation. My Christmas gift last year to them and myself!. Family photos on the beach, lots of sunshine, love and laughter…. new memories…..
THANK YOU CL and CN, without your words of wisdom and guidance I don’t know where I would be….
WE ARE MIGHTY!!!

LOVE and best wishes to you all!!!.

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago
Reply to  had-it

Whoa! 35 years married and he is shacking up with a 29 year old?!! Gross. Because with that age gap, he is definitely old enough to be her father. Therapy is in order, for BOTH of them.

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

CNM, JBaby,HNA,
And my EX is grandfather daddy to be, he is 53 gf 23 what a scene folks.
The girl is younget than my daughter snd one year older than my son. Two grandchildren
The ho whore worker, now going to be a mom.
Seriously folks this is sad story but true story,
The daddy issued girl has been baker acted before.
This is fantasy turned real life in 3 weeks or less.
Pity , sadness and demise for those two assclowns!
You can’t build a castle on sand.

Happily never after
Happily never after
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

I got that beat 65 with a 25. Grandfather-daughter fodder. Disgusting on all counts.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

My stbx is 48 yo. OW is a baby at 22 yo. I look at him as pedophile. Therapy for both of them. Ugh

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

Exactly. I’ve been pursued for the past 3-4 years by a friend of my B-I-L who is 56. I am 36. He’s been single for years and won’t date anybody his age. Maybe hypothetical age gaps don’t sound that bad, but IRL it really does feel like pedophilia. He is old enough to be my father!

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

Eeeew, JBaby! I feel for you. I’m on Match.com and the other day I had a 71-year-old contact me. I’m 48 and indicate my age range up to 55. My dad is 72. Eeew!!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

I was on that site, too, Karma Express. I am approx. your age and was contacted by a guy in his early 70s, even though I gravitate toward men who are slightly younger than me. I am quitting the site, even before my membership has expired, because I am sick and tired of (spending time) meeting flaky, lying men. (I am not saying that all men, or all men on these dating sites are flaky liars. I am just tired of running into flaky liars and have decided to try living a celibate lifestyle, even though I am upset that my STBX and post-separation now-ex-boyfriend are out running around with lots of partners while I stay home with complaining kids who are struggling in school and in life.)

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Your STBX and XBF are running around with lots of partners because there is something wrong with them. When you are ready for a relationship, having fixed your picker and healed from the devastation, you will be in a position to meet people who are better for you.

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife, I’m sorry about your online dating experiences. There are threads about dating in the Forums where we share our stories. Thing is, so many people have found great partners online, I’m not ready to give up yet. It isn’t fair, is it, that our exes who are still with their APs can just ride off into the sunset whilst we struggle to find love. I’m wishing you strength to thrive in whatever form your life takes you. You are mighty!

kb
kb
7 years ago
Reply to  had-it

“can you imagine, you and your lover and your fiancé out to dinner, watching TV and fixing meals together…… both of them just wonderful people.”–Why yes I can! 😀

CheaterX started “dating” (cue “sleeping with”) Schmoopie,with whom he’d had an emotional affair for months, about 2.5 months before I discovered the concrete proof of their physical affair. During the EA and at the start of the PA, he liked to set up dates with Schmoopie, him, and me. He’d have her come over to our house for dinner (“oh, she’s between jobs now. We need to help her out.:) or we’d go do something with her (“Schmoopie just won 2 tickets to tonight’s Shakespeare production at the local uni. We can grab and extra ticket and all go together!”).

I remember that “we” were invited to Schmoopie’s for her birthday party that summer. It was one of those picnic pitch-in affairs, and CheaterX told me that he’d volunteered to bring sausages for the grill. These were not cheap, and I was astounded that he wanted to help out on the meat side of things, as these were butcher sausages, and quite pricey!

In retrospect, I realize that his obsession about sausages was telling in and of itself. 😉

Schmoopie was having trouble grilling the sausages, so CheaterX asked if I could help her out. Schmoopie was NOT happy! At the time, I thought it was simply because it was her kitchen, so she felt that she was top chef, not me–something I understood well.

Now I realize that it was CheaterX’s weak attempts to get all three of us to be friends!

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago

Put myself out there by doing online dating and am enforcing boundaries and have fixed my picker.

Figured out how to unclog the shower drain by unscrewing the grill and using a plunger.

Sold my car (learned online how to do a private sale) so I could spend a month in Europe.

Purged over 25 boxes of stuff (mostly fucktard’s crap he left behind in his hasty departure to be with Wid-ho).

Went a bit outside my comfort zone by going to Chumpapalooza in DC and had an awesome time. Stayed a couple extra days and explored the city by myself.

NoLongerMyProblem
NoLongerMyProblem
7 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Good for you! You are amazing and I especially love the fact you spent a month in Europe! It was great meeting you at Chumpalooza!

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago

NLMP, I was just thinking about you and how mighty you are to handle the Appalachian family-ties mess you’re in! It was great meeting you, too.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

One of the meanest things nowdeadcheater said to me when he was blaming me for his affair was that my job caring for dying children was “disgusting”…as if my life wasn’t hard enough with an alcoholic mom, raising kids alone (he seemed to forget that he even had kids during that affair), and doing a world class Pick Me Dance.

There is a project amongst some professionals in my area of specialty that interfaces us with the Feds and guess who they asked to go to Capitol Hill and meet with Legislators? Yes, little old me. I will wear a fuchsia dress for my first meeting because that is a damn mighty color.

He put me down and stomped me like a bug a thousand times but I didn’t let that convince me that I cant change the world.

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Woot woot!!!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

He was the bug. What a bully. YOU are terrific!

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I expect to hear about this on CNN, U’nomore!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

I am such an extrovert, I would love to share but alas I would out myself and my dead H. Dangit. Please know that one of my projects was profiled in a story which landed on the front page of the Sunday edition of a major world newspaper not long ago. It was then reprinted by smaller papers across the country.

It was quite a coup and what response did I get from my employer? crickets chirping. nothing. Those petty bitches in the admin office said nothing. I later made a comment (on another topic) in a closed meeting they didnt like so they summoned me to the exec conference room and had 2 VPs rip me a new asshole. You know what that was? A mindfuck, that is what it was…and I knew it because it wasn’t my first.

Screw them. Im working with another writer from another publication and the petty bitches wont like this either, but families will get better care because of it.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

That’ mighty right there, knowing you were experiencing a mindfuck at work. One of my better moments was in a meeting with all the higher-ups and suddenly recognizing what was up. And saying, “I see I’ve been set up here.” And they all stopped in their tracks. The truth is mighty indeed.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

The crux of their mindfuck was “Its not the bad thing we did to you being considered right now, its the poor way you responded to it”. It was a huge set-up.

One of the issues at hand was my part time income juxtaposed to staff members forever expecting nearly full time coverage of my needy population. Im simply NOT paid adequately to cover these cases 24/7. The 2 women who ambushed me make a combined $700,000 a year.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Well, it’s clearly not just Cheaters who are entitled and like their version of cake.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

You will rock that fuschia, Unicornnomore!!

Cindy
Cindy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

+1

Chumpbunny
Chumpbunny
7 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Love it!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

love your story!

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago

I’ve watched my baby grow from being a tiny little quiet and sick fighter in my arms to talking, running, laughing and almost getting all her teeth, and am now looking into helping her get into preschool next fall assuming I get the ride situation sorted.

I’ve stayed up late cooking and wrapping gifts for birthdays, holidays, school events and just because we deserved something nice.

I’ve taken the kids out twice for birthday celebrations.

My house is cleaner than it ever was when that fucking slob lived here.

Bills are almost always paid in full on time (making payments is a requirement, not a suggestion) and we aren’t hounded by bill collectors like we always used to be when the asshole lived here.

I’ve not fallen into the rebound trap, and while it’s lonely, I’m learning I don’t need a romantic relationship like I thought I did in the past.

While the twins have moved in with the ex (one because he had to and the other because she wanted to) and it hurts like a motherfucker, I am not instantly blaming myself as I would have in the past. I know I’m doing the right thing and it will work out in time.

I go to bed at night knowing my kids love me, even if one of them is choosing not to show it now, and that even she cares about me enough to feel comfortable acting out knowing I’ll be there for her in the end.

My ex-MIL didn’t think we could manage. She hasn’t exactly offered to come up and help since D-Day went down, but always doubted my abilities as a blind mom and especially now. Well guess who threw her disgusting narc son out the door, filed for divorce less than a week later, couldn’t afford a decent lawyer but still fought like hell, pays the bills without child support, kept a roof over our heads, soothed sick tummies, cooked and cleaned, been up nights with a teething baby and still up early to get older kids off to school, barbecued for the kids, arranges birthday parties, helps with homework (when they bring it home), always has a hug and kiss or shoulder to cry on as needed and oh yeah, who didn’t fucking walk out the door for some stank filled diseased whore?

Oh that’s right. Me.

wannabefree
wannabefree
7 years ago

cakeless…. you are an awesome inspiration! so mighty! (((HUGS))) x

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you, everyone. You’ve been so inspiring and just knowing I’m not alone helps. Yeah, there are days when I think that’s it. I can’t do this. But then I hold my baby, or think of all the hell we went through on those early days or my younger son gives me a hug and tells me how I’m the best mom and I manage to keep going one step at a time.

I don’t know how we’ll get through, but as long as we can make it one day at a time, then that’s what we’ll do.

Just landing here is mightiness, and having the courage to read or even take action is even mightier. My heart goes out to all of you.

Chumpbunny
Chumpbunny
7 years ago

You have really, really inspired me, Cakekess. Tomorrow morning, I am going to up my A game because of YOU!!

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
7 years ago

You are incredible. My house is cleaner, too! I love it. The strength and courage of everyone here is so inspiring. Out of incredible pain and betrayal comes mighty wonderful strong men and women. Look at the difference – when the narc cheaters face perceived hardship they roll around crying, having tantrums and pity parties like little babies in poopy diapers. The chumps cry, but not like that. We cry and grieve, and then rise up. The narc cries fake tears and destroys. The chumps build!!! Build new lives, build strenth, courage, character, and life wisdom – contentment and joy. The narc is left blindly grasping at all things superficial to temporally feel good while wrecking everything in their path.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

“….having tantrums and pity parties like little babies in poopy diapers.” After my STBX dropped the divorce bomb, I told him I wasn’t going to do his laundry anymore, make him dinner, he’s sleeping on the couch and probably more — HE STARTED FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF. Poor baby. He became the victim even though he totally turned my life and the lives of our children upside down. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than watching your children sob when their father tells him that he’s divorcing their mom. That day will go down as one of the worst days of my life! I hope he’s proud of himself and what he did to his children. So……the poor victim of his wife’s declaration that she’s not playing house with him anymore, actually set up camp IN THE BASEMENT. Our basement isn’t finished at all. He ran an extension cord to plug in a night light. Put a camping pad on the floor. Slept in his sleeping bag. Had his Bible there with him (I guess he didn’t get the memo from God that you shouldn’t commit adultery.) I went down in the basement, because I couldn’t find him in the house. There he was, all zipped up in his sleeping bag. All pouty and babylike — the victim. I just went back upstairs, turned off the light and let him feel sorry for himself. He has the emotional intelligence of a baby, toddler and teenager on any given day.

NotTodaySatan
NotTodaySatan
7 years ago

“My house is cleaner than it ever was when that fucking slob lived here.”

Amen. I too love coming home to a tidy space, something I hadn’t experienced for the entirety of my marriage.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  NotTodaySatan

Me three! And, he always blamed me! “The house is more of a reflection on you…”
I now keep my space organized, and as beautiful as I want, and NO smell of ashtrays everywhere!
Yes, a new experience.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago

Great story, Cakeless. You rock! This site never fails to make me feel mighty with all the wonderful stories of chumps and their successes gaining a life. I am honored to be a part of this nation and completely humbled by the experience.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

Cakeless, you are amazing!! Way to be mighty!

thensome
thensome
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Awesome Cakeless!!

Chumpbunny
Chumpbunny
7 years ago
Reply to  thensome

You’re a Warrior Goddess!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

You are AWESOME, Cakeless!!!

mgirontree
mgirontree
7 years ago

Took my yoga practice and teaching up a notch. Used my mat to heal myself and others. I write poetry and hope to one day publish them. Here is a funny one:

Your Fucking Lies

Wrap a noose around your lies
Broken heart with wings that flies
Stabbed the dagger in your deceit
It’s not my life that you defeat
You danced around digging my grave
Your filthy hands pushing me to my cave
Watch me now with your blackened eyes
I no longer listen to your fucking lies
Rising from the mud your mean feet pushed me under
Hear this little lioness roar with thunder.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  mgirontree

ooh that poem is mighty!!!

the death imagery hits close to home…I always thought he would celebrate if I died…I even imagined that if I were ever diagnosed with a terrible disease, my first reaction would be to look at him and say “you got your wish” and yet I was so devoted to him and the marriage. So imagine my shock when HE died.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“imagine my shock when HE died.” Oh yes, (sigh) I’m imagining it.

ChumpyKindofLove
ChumpyKindofLove
7 years ago

Lost my job less than 3 months after moving out on my own, after decades of living with a drunk-ass serial cheater. He tried to take advantage of my unemployment by getting me to move back in with him. Instead I got a new job (!) and sold “his” house. Got my new job in less than 4 weeks, he is still jobless after a year and a half. He sucks.

kb
kb
7 years ago

That’s really MIghty, CKoL!

It’s astounding how so many Cheaters are so convinced of their awesomeness that we’d jump at the chance to take their jobless asses back!

You are your own awesome!

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
7 years ago

Congrats CKOL!! That is awesome!! So excited for you!

NarcBait
NarcBait
7 years ago

Are they all crap hording slobs? I have piles of her shit to get rid of. I now understand a messy house was an isolation technique.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  NarcBait

Mine was an OCD control freak / neat freak. Now, I actually enjoy just a little bit of disarray and spontaneity around my house without all his pointless rules.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Me too Muse. MY house, MY rules!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  NarcBait

And also an outward reflection of their interior disorder.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Is that what it is an outer manifestation of the garbage run amok inside. Mine was a pig and a hoarder. I am so so so glad he is gone.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago

That’s mighty, Cakeless!

Chatty
Chatty
7 years ago

I was going for a walk near my childhood home when I saw a flock of zebra finches in the tree next to me. I said out loud, “Oh hey! I haven’t seen you guys in ages!” Then I realized I was talking to the wildlife like they were old friends…just like the old me, before I pretzeled myself into a stranger to make my ex happy. And I wasn’t even a bit embarrassed. Life is good.

Susannah
Susannah
7 years ago
Reply to  Chatty

A lady who busted me talking to her cat told me – “It’s a sign of intelligence to talk to animals.” 🙂

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Chatty

Love it! I talk to birds all the time. Nothing to be embarrassed about, Chatty!

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
7 years ago
Reply to  Chatty

That’s awesome! I very happily talk to the automated check-out machine at the grocery store; when it says, “Thank you,” I always say “You’re welcome.” That ridiculous stuff never happened when with the stbxh.

kimmy
kimmy
7 years ago

I sold the main stone out of my wedding ring and I am putting in a patio!!! I took two long years to think about what I wanted to do with it and well…….who doesn’t love to have a beverage on a hot day on a fancy patio!!! I think I made a fine decision on what to do with a worthless diamond!!!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  kimmy

Speaking of rings — My STBX gave me “wrap” for my engagement ring for our 20th anniversary. It was very beautiful and I wasn’t expecting anything at all. He gave it to me when we went to Jamaica, four months before our actual anniversary. We had a great time on that trip. By the time our actual anniversary rolled around, he had already emailed a “Happy Birthday” message to his AP. You see, he’s a predator. He “safely” sends out Happy Birthdays messages to women that he likes and wants to keep in contact with. So he set up another secret coffee date before work with her. That’s when he found out she was getting a divorce. So, he then remembered the actual date of her divorce and sent her another email to go out for drinks! The relationship went to the next level. That’s the night I FINALLY caught him! So, back to my beautiful rings. STBX had to fill-out a financial affidavit. Guess what he put on it? MY ENGAGEMENT AND 20th ANNIVERSARY RINGS! Gosh. I didn’t realize he looked at them as assets. I THOUGHT THEY REPRESENTED LOVE AND COMMITMENT AND KEEPING FAITHFUL TO YOUR SPOUSE AND HONORING YOUR VOWS. Nope! To him they were $5,000 worth of assets. I had always planned on giving the rings to my son some day (he now says he’ll never get married, because “why bother”) and my earrings to my daughter. Well, I gave the rings and earrings back to him. I told him he can make an engagement ring out of them for his AP. I don’t want them and my kids don’t want them and I don’t want that bad energy in my home. His True Love can have them for all I care. They don’t mean ANYTHING to me anymore. And good luck, Cheater, trying to get $5,000 for them.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha–gifts are NOT marital assets. You keep them and sell them; they do not belong in the community pot. I know it may be small change in the grand scheme of things, but the entitlement of these jackasses needs to be reigned in. Insist your attorney have the rings removed from marital assets. (We should set up a chump-auction to buy each other’s tainted jewelry, and then all go on a vacation together with the proceeds). smh.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, he just put them down as an asset. We divided up the property already (not sure if it was 50/50 as I took what I wanted, but I felt I was being fair as I didn’t take everything.) I actually gave him the rings back. I just didn’t want them. It was never about the value to me. He could have gone to Walmart and bought me an engagement ring and I wouldn’t have cared. The rings were about what they meant to me. They no longer mean anything to me, so I gave them back to him. He’s welcome to try to get $5,000 for them or have them reset for his AP. Funny how you mentioned a vacation together. I was just thinking it would be fun to go on a cruise with fellow chumps. Kinda like how they have cruises for musicians like Kid Rock and all the fans can go along. Tracy can be our star. 🙂 I’m still a little bummed I didn’t make it to DC last weekend. Hopefully there will be a “next time.” 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha–there are two chump weekends in Yosemite planned July 21-24 and July 28-31. I”m about to bump up that thread in the forums by this evening if you want more information (or feel free to email me at tempest.ariel2014@gmail.com for details).

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Awesome! I love Yosemite!! I’ll check out the forums later. Thank you. 🙂

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
7 years ago