Time Again for a Mightiness Check

superchump2Every few months or so, I check in with Chump Nation for a “Tell Me How You’re Mighty.” The stories of resilience here always floor me.

Most of the time on this blog I’m answering letters, decoding bullshit with the Universal Bullshit Translator, or running goofy contests in which we all try and one-up each other with our chumpiness.

But CN, we are more than the sum of our chumpy moments. We are MIGHTY. Despite the gut blow of betrayal, you get up and care for your kids, pack the lunches, show up for work, find work, find school, find God, pass the bar, adopt orphans, and start the lawn mower alone.

Tell me about it. Tell me how you’re gaining that life. I know some of you old-timers have shared before, but share for the newbies — the further you are down the path, the more you can help those at the starting gate.

And hey, even if you aren’t feeling mighty? If your accomplishment was going 3 hours without checking the cheater’s social media AND you took a shower? That counts. Weigh in.

Tell me how you’re mighty, Chump Nation!

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Justine
Justine
7 years ago

I’m not sure I’m feeling mighty but am definitely feeling relieved. My teenage daughter is just coming out of clinical depression and suicidal thoughts after the worst 6 months of our lives. Part of her issues stemmed from the emotional abuse my narc ex (her ex stepfather ) subjected her to. It’s been a long road working with a psychiatrist and psychologist and new medication to hear her say today that she thinks she felt happy again today.
The number of times I’ve felt that it would all break me are innumerable but I think we’ve come through.
The damage these narcs inflict is not just on us chumps.

zyx321
zyx321
7 years ago
Reply to  Justine

jedi hugs to you both! I know exactly how you feel (my daughter made the attempt, and planned another). It is a huge relief once they seem to be smiling again and can voice their thoughts and feelings. It has taken us 1.5 years but we finally got a good combination of the correct medicine, and a good relationship with the psychologist and psychiatrist, all working together.

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago
Reply to  Justine

That’s my tale of mighty-three years ago, I picked up my babygirl and got the hell out. Supporting your kid while processing the abuse and empowering your kiddos to be healthy and narc-free is YUUUUUUGE.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Justine

So sorry. They hurt the kids so badly. I am glad you are celebrating some recovery from the abuse. Having a narc parent is an emotional struggle I know well. They suck. Hang in there. You and your daughter are mighty and have happier days ahead!

moose
moose
7 years ago

That’s so great for the both of you!!!

moose
moose
7 years ago

taking the max term hours plus working full time. I’m ready!

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago

I’m pretty again.

That biting acid of tears flowing down my cheeks, digging rivulet beds of raw red pockets under my eyes? Gone.

Puffy, red nostrils, from wiping and blowing? Smooth and calm.

Stooped over posture, shuffling walk: replaced with straight back, straight ahead gaze, with a bit of swagger.

Sad and baggy brown rags? Now oranges, blues, purples, greens and reds.

Heavy wounded heart? Now fluffy white and light.

freedom2016
freedom2016
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Some awesome!!

Working It Out
Working It Out
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Wonderful !

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Awesome, Queen Mother! You’re a CL hero!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Yes, QM! Ditto all you said! Love your way with words!
Orange has long been my favorite color. NOW I can wear it & decorate with it all I want!

HUGS to you and all of ChumpNation as we Mighty Ones ForgeOn!!!!

arlo
arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Beautiful

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

🙂

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Realized Narkles the Clown has another, other woman when he would not let our son swing by and pick up something he needed. Wondered if The Flying Whore (his twu wuv!) knew. Laughed my ass off!
I really don’t care what he does as long as my child isn’t effected any more than he is now. I may not be at meh, but I have a feeling I am in the vicinity.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Ooh, I’ve been waiting for this. I joined in on here rather recently and missed the last one. When I read your posts from last time, I gathered so much strength and was so encouraged from both the accomplishments and support. I was so proud of all of you! You are so mighty in so many ways!

Ok, so here’s mine. During wreckonciliation, Unfaithful went all out and had me book nonrefundable tickets to Europe with accommodations so we could take the family vacation of a lifetime! Wow! He’s so great!

Oh wait, he neglected to stop sleeping around first and got busted. He’s not so great! Not great at all. I filed and found CN. Then, I cancelled his ticket and took my kids anyway! I went to another country where I knew no one, spoke a foreign language, and managed as the lone adult. This was way outside my comfort zone and very courageous for me. We did great.

It was scary but exhilarating. He said he would have liked to have come. I said, “You should have been there, but you couldn’t stay out of someone else’s bed so now you don’t get to come anywhere with us anymore.” And I insisted he give us cash for the trip. You want your daughters to eat, right? We need money.

Of course, I did think of him having two weeks with his AP and no kids to worry about, but I heard he worked the whole time anyway (probably to pay off this trip!).

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

YES!!! A dream vacation to get away from the nightmare! So glad you went and gave yourself a wonderful set of memories at the time they are most needed. And how delightful to let cheater pants know he is FIRED from the family. My son and I are heading off next summer to what was to be our family’s dream vacation (Banff) and he is going to feel truly out of the family when he finds out. Right now I have him jumping through hoops to get our child’s passport updated. Travel is so delightful!!

I am the Chump.
I am the Chump.
7 years ago

I freaking love this story. So mighty.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

“You should have been there, but you couldn’t stay out of someone else’s bed so now you don’t get to come anywhere with us anymore.”

I’m all about clarity. That is so clear – and badass mighty!!!

When I was suspicious of H&OW (they were planning to start a family once I was dumped). I said “If you start a new family, you will be handing out Capri Suns at peewee soccer while me and your adult children are touring Europe” and he said (snarl and try to maintain denial ) “maybe thats what I want !”.

We had a small stock portfolio and he blamed me for its poor performance (what the fuck I was supposed to do to make it gain in value is a mystery still. Clear memory of him screaming at me in the kitchen waving the statement in the air). Shortly after he died, I cashed that stupidass thing in and took D to London…stayed at fancy hotel and got floor seats to see One Direction.

Paula
Paula
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

So Very Much This!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“We had a small stock portfolio and he blamed me for its poor performance” Change the we to he and it sounds like the euphemism of my marriage. 🙂

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Awesome! And thanks.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Love it!

TKsDaughterl
TKsDaughterl
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I think I love you!

Justine
Justine
7 years ago

Yay you☺ very brave and it probably did your kids a lot of good to see their mum be so capable!

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Just like you have, Justine!

Kharless73
Kharless73
7 years ago

I just sold the house I bought after the divorce, and bought an historic queen anne Victoria home in a quaint downtown area within walking distance to shopping, restaurants, etc. It’s something I always wanted to do since I was a child.

But it isn’t what the ex wanted so we built a house way out in the country next to his parents, his brother, his grandfather, and his aunts and uncles. I drove over an hour to get to work while he worked locally. I made far more salary than he ever did, to support building our dream home with a barn and basketball court.

Shit head went and got caught screwing around by the OW husband. After a 6 month trial at sticking it out, I filed. It was a tough 4 years since then.

But here I am making my dreams come true.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kharless73

Your house sounds so lovely. And I am betting you would have never fulfilled that dream with Mr. Baggage even if he had never cheated. Because his dreams were more important than yours … I too am planning to retire to the place I always dreamed and that he never was much interested in. I used to tease him that I would miss him if he chose not to come along … I was mistaken in that I doubt I’ll miss him one bit!!! Four more years to save up!!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Kharless73

That is amazing!! So happy for you!! Enjoy every minute in your new dream home!! ?????

Khris
Khris
7 years ago
Reply to  Kharless73

Kharless73, my story is almost identical. Moved from suburbs close to the ex’s family (we couldn’t live far away from them you know) where it took me over 2 hours each way to get to work. After divorce, I bought a 1909 Foursquare 2 blocks from downtown and train station giving me a 45 minute commute! It’s also near my family and old friends. The house needs some work, but when i look at the cracked plaster, old plumbing, etc. I just smile because I did it on my own and its exactly what i always wanted. I think old houses are like Chumps; show the battle scars, are a work in progress, but they are still standing in all their stateliness. The ex didn’t think i could survive solo, but guess what? I am.

Stephanie
Stephanie
7 years ago
Reply to  Khris

And with a little TLC we shine up real good!

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  Khris

Khris, that is absolutely winderful!
Good work, great analogy ?

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  JeanM

Wonderful!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  Kharless73

Your new home sounds amazing! Your story is almost like mine, I made more money, but had to do only what he wanted only to find out he had been cheating the whole time.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Kharless73

Yay you!!!!! I can picture you in your lovely old home with fragrant roses and herbs all around. And, no commute! You got years of your life back from that alone!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago

I loved the comic this time, but it’s not hard to out-earn my cheating ex…he’s a super lazy mooch who works whatever lowest-paying, lowest-responsibility job he possibly can while living off whatever earnest chick he happens to be living with at the moment (no judgment, I was one of those chicks once obviously). But that doesn’t matter a ton to me. What does matter:

— Made it through the year and a half plus court battle he waged against having to contribute financially to the child’s expenses in *any* way. We won because you don’t get to shirk child support on the grounds of making less than the primary caregiver. Duh. The extent to which this guy wants to be rewarded for putting out no effort in life never ceases to astound me.
— Realized to my delight that with him gone, I was actually *saving* more money, because his horrible spending habits and wacked-out expensive tastes were costing our family more than he was bringing in. So I really didn’t have to struggle financially once the main court costs were paid off. I would challenge a lot of the women who say “He cheats unapologetically but I can’t leave, I can’t afford it.” You may be surprised at just how much he’s cancelling out his own earnings.
— Wake up every day happily looking forward to work and hanging out with my kid, consulting only myself and the kid when deciding how we’ll spend our time on weekends, and not tiptoeing on eggshells around someone who will be dissatisfied with any plan that doesn’t consist of sitting around watching action movies on the couch, will blow up at any second, or will ruin a whole day pouting because his breakfast sandwich wasn’t cooked to his liking or the baby “cried too loud” and he just “couldn’t handle it.”
— Don’t fear for our lives any time we go out in the car, because now we don’t have a raging drunk insisting on driving and that he’s “fine” and “barely drank anything” when I just watched him drink the exact opposite of “barely anything.”
— Don’t have to be embarrassed anymore when I go out with my friends, because I don’t have a hanger-on sitting there awkwardly begging people to start working at their businesses or participating in their hobbies, and have to watch them back out of the conversation rather than tell him in front of me, “No, you suck, why would I include you in my life whatsoever?”
— Comfortably share my life with close friends old and new, not worrying about whether anybody’s listening with ill intent or with the objective of pointing out any and all flaws, because I’ve dumped those Switzerland friends long ago.
— Overhear groups of moms complaining about how nightmarish it is to spend an evening or a day alone with their kid, with NO HELP at all, and how relieved they are when their partner returns, and cackle quietly to myself because I’ve been doing that for several years straight now, and certainly there are tough moments but overall it’s fine–nay, easier than it was with two, uh, “parents.”

I can keep going but this is long enough!

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

I would challenge a lot of the women who say “He cheats unapologetically but I can’t leave, I can’t afford it.” 100% correct Chumptastic. Since traitor left the farm, the fuel bill is down 75%, all farm expenses are down, work is done on time, gates are shut and stay shut, nothing gets ‘misplaced’. So many savings I am rapidly climbing my way out of the hole he got the business into. And I have more free time even while working 60-70hours a week. I am not a scullery maid anymore. I have all the firewood I need to keep the house warm at last. The bath tub is clean, there’s no pee on the toilet floor, and I don’t have to watch the traitor dig into his ears with his fork handle at the dinner table and say ‘do as I say, not as I do’. I’ve lost a 105kg blood sucking spendthrift who kept telling me I was useless and I am doing it all by myself faster, better, cheaper. May the Whore be with him.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Yes, the financial difference between with and without STBX is amazing. He spends so much money on booze, weed, lunches out, sports equipment, sports events and memberships, vacations with his boyfriend, and other just wasteful things like using more AC than needed and on and on. We each have half the income right now and I have money left to save while he is barely making ends meet. Ha Ha!!! When alimony and child support kick in, he is going to be living the dream … not!

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Enjoyed an amazing trip to Yosemite (aka You-so-mighty) with some wonderful chumps! This was my first debt-free travel experience post-divorce. It’s so calming to finally build up a little savings after so many years on the financial edge with my ex.
I promise you newbie chumps that it gets so much better and I concur with chump-tastic that cheaters often cancel out their own earnings.
Many of the of the changes for me are slow and steady now, which took some getting used to after many years on the express train of constant drama.
I am so much more comfortable with my own company. I am fortunate to have close relationships with many dear friends as well as my family and I’m navigating co-parenting my sweet 7 year old son as best I can with my ex who continues with his sob stories and bravado. He’s not my problem anymore and I’m so grateful to be free of him.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

The financial thing is huge for me. For the last ten years, STBX has been furious that I took on student loans for my daughter’s education.

As a result, I really tried to make up for it buy buying everything at thrift stores and going without. He never bought me gifts for holidays, we never went anywhere, – which I accepted because of my cardinal spending sin (college loans). I bought into this narrative hook, line, and sinker.

Now, of course, I realize he was spending a third of our combined income secretly on his sex life.

What really fucks me up, though, is that he is a high-school dropout and I am a professional with a master’s degree and our issue was around spending money on education. Why didn’t I realize he was so wrong for me in every way? Why did I spackle for this loser? It’s mortifying.

PS Now I live in a beautiful new apartment with a million-dollar view; I have a few beautiful new things (I splurged on a rug and a table) and a couple pair of never-been-worn-before shoes; I have money in the bank. I’m slowly training myself not to agonize over pennies and buy the softest toilet paper.

I’m viewing my marriage as a kind of cult where I willingly handed over my self-esteem in exchange for a chance to belong.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Roaring, the difference in education has been an area of incompatibility in our marriage that affected more areas of our relationship than I realized. I am just more ambitious, goal-oriented, and focused. Moreover, priorities reflect character.

I went back to school online and got an advanced degree while working plus I am an avid reader and always have been. STBX would never dream of going back to school, hasn’t read a book in decades, and can’t even complete professional certifications to qualify for job advancement.

Nope, he spent his time trolling in bars and picking up trash to feed his ego instead. They suck.

carmel
carmel
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

the financial issue seems to be an oh so common one. ive finally woken up to the fact that my x has absolutely no idea how to manage money and is digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole (and trying to drag us down with him). he already managed to spend $150k on our extravagant lifestlyle in a holiday destination in australia, fooling me into thinking it was all being afforded by his new management job . when we were together i blindly trusted him with all our finances and couldnt see the farce that was happening right in front of me. my eyes are wide open now, and now our kids are worried their dad will end up homeless with all the thoughtless spending he’s doing.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

“I’m viewing my marriage as a kind of cult where I willingly handed over my self-esteem in exchange for a chance to belong.” ^^^ This, especially with regard to the financial. Shit, what did I let happen? I’m just waking up…. and goddamn do I have some work to do.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

Roaring and oaktree, same here!

DDay was the ultimate awakening from over a decade of what I perceived as an “us against the world” kind of life. All it was really was a cover for his self-centered lying cheating character.

And yes, it requires a lot of work to fix that picker, to stand up for myself and teach my kiddo to do so for herself. But that effort feels like a small price to pay compared to how sweet it is to lead a cheater-free life.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Oaktree and Chumptitude, exactly what my marriage was, a cult. I sacrificed myself for the opportunity to be accepted into the cult. Anytime I fell short of X’s expectations I suffered the wrath or disdain and eventually the discard.
Us against the world brainwashing, best friend bullshit, working towards “our” career.
Everything was for him and his success in disguise of working towards “our future”
I made the sacrifices for his success, including who I was. I’ve been suffering from cult brain for far too long.

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

“I’m viewing my marriage as a kind of cult where I willingly handed over my self-esteem in exchange for a chance to belong.” Me too. I just realized reading these posts this is exactly what I did. And I used to think I was strong and smart and immune to this crap. How did I get suckered into this? Now he’s gone my resilience has surprised me but I had turned into the shadow of the mad cult leader. Wow. Thank you for that post.

Sucker
Sucker
7 years ago
Reply to  Kiwichump

This is me too! But the craziest part is I didn’t know it was happening… That whole time my self-esteem was being shaved down to a nub I had no idea, I could just feel my life becoming more and more worthless, like I was growing transparent day by day. Why do things have to get so bad they’re unbearable for us to see how much pain we’re in? Now that I’m out, I amazed that I feel so damn GOOD! Like I wake up in my bed in the morning and lay there and think, “Man, this is a comfortable bed. Boy do I feel comfortable in it.” NOTHING used to feel good. But I guess I couldn’t remember what good felt like anymore, so I didn’t question it. That and I was brainwashed into thinking my expectations were too high. I walked past a sign going into a park the other day that “NO DOGS ALLOWED” and was reminded that every time we passed a sign like that when we were together, even if our son was with us, he would say, “Sorry, you can’t come in.” Every damn time. Systematic dismantling of my self-respect. I think you have to say “No, please don’t treat me this way” 10,000 times, and then you get tired of saying it, so you stop, and then you realize this is going to be the rest of your life, so you think about how to truly get away. But if you have kids, in my case anyway, you need to say it 10,000 more times, so that when you finally get up and walk out the door without looking back, you can sleep well at night knowing you did everything you possibly could. Mind-bending.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Sucker

Sucker–that is horrible! What a total asshole, and so clearly a way to scoop out teaspoons of your self-esteem a little at a time. Sounds like you only needed a millimeter step to get to ‘trust that he sucks.’ Glad you’re rid of him.

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

So proud of your Roaring! I hope every time you look at your beautiful view, you realize how lucky and blessed you are to be free of such an asshole. Your best years are yet to come!! Also, I can completely relate to feeling like you were in a cult. I believed the sun and moon literally rose and set in my husband’s eyes. If there was anything I wanted to do, I would go home instead because I didn’t want to miss spending the time with him. It was as if I had been brainwashed and lost myself. Hallelujah! We have been found and are rebuilding our lives. Keep going!! ?

Eileen
Eileen
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

You too! OMG!!! If my hubby said it, I believed it! He could do no wrong. I gave over my whole life to his way of thinking. But instead of seeing it as controlling, I saw it as him loving me, protecting me. 28 yrs I bought into that, and when he had an affair, can not understand to this day, if I loved him as much as I say I did, and for so long we gave to each other, him taking care of his family, & he meant everything to me, why I can’t go back into our marriage. He really really believes I didn’t try, maybe I didn’t, but for 2 yrs I went thur hell & am only getting back.

So what lve done, I’ve moved to NYC, got a 1 bedroom, move me & my Saint Bernard to Mahattan! Hubby is footing the bill!

Once there is a 3rd person in a marriage, it changes everything.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

“You may be surprised at just how much he’s cancelling out his own earnings.”

I agree 100% about the money thing. I make a lot less than Narkles the Clown and I still manage the mortgage and the car and everything with the kid just fine, even though living with him we were living on a shoestring. We’re not going to Europe any time soon but we mange the house, a car and food on the table.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I thought the same thing–that I would have to give up everything that makes me happy just to pay the bills. I’m just fine on one income because the money isn’t going for (in the case of XH the drinker) his “substances,” his weekend bar expenses, and fixing up his son’s house.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

^^^^ THIS, Chumptastic! Especially:

– being able to spend my money wisely because I’m not paying for his poor financial decisions (or his GF’s botox, breast implants, etc.)

– being able to do what the kids and I want for a change, without hearing how stupid and pathetic our preferences are.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

Throughout most of my life, I’ve written in various freelance and volunteer capacities — newsletters, trade publications, etc. (one of my professional presentations was expanded into a book published in 2014 — a true bucket list achievement).

Never really for what you’d call ‘fun’ or ‘personal fulfillment.’

This hellish experience with the Kunty Kibbler has thrown my imagination and need to write into overdrive, and had branched out into live storytelling. In the last 6 months, I have –

1. Won a prize at the first storytelling event I entered, earned a place in the grand finals, and was asked as a ‘previous winner’ to do ‘warm up’ at a subsequent event

2. Been paid for an article published in the Boston Globe on Fathers Day: https://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/real-estate/2016/06/17/two-family-one-kind-renter/ujwWkp9lIX9hrYGWXaC3IO/story.html

3. Through the graciousness of Tracy, guest-blogged here on the CL site

4. Been recruited to teach a two-night writing workshop in October

(In an odd twist — I was recently sent an invitation for the new season’s first local storytelling event via Facebook, and KK’s ‘special friend’ — who’s married, apparently has visited tranny escorts, and enjoys being pegged — is listed as a ‘maybe’ for attending. Is the OM mirroring me?!)

I’ve got numerous essays in development — is it possible there’s a book coming out of this mess? Doesn’t really matter — what really matter is that they are small steps toward mightiness.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

An amazing article. Very well-written and I could feel the loss of moving from your de facto family but the joy in the experience of knowing them.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Bravo UX, all this while living under the same roof as KK and being the sane parent for your kids is really impressive!

jj-again
jj-again
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Love your story – thank you for the inspiration.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Well Done Ux!
Can’t wait for your first horror novel….based on a true story of course.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Lol

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Bravo! Inspiring!

jj-again
jj-again
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

What does “mirroring” mean? I’m curious because I feel like OW is doing something similar to me. I have bigger stuff to worry about right now – but still. Weird.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  jj-again

Mirroring is the behaviour in which one person subconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirroring_(psychology)

jj-again
jj-again
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Nope, I don’t think mirroring is what’s happening with OW. I feel a little stalked – she moved from over 600 miles away to within a mile of my home, took a job in my doctor’s office and I think she may even enroll children in the schools near my home this fall. BUT – this was all lined up before I realized what he was up to (I knew something was “off” but his tracks were well covered.) I don’t think I care, I’m just glad the mystery is finally out in the open. I don’t even care if this was SUPER funny how stupid I was (or super clever they were) to have her right under my nose. I think my “give a shit” is broken.

Hellno
Hellno
7 years ago
Reply to  jj-again

JJ-again, watch out for the bunny boilers, I believe in the Moscow Protocol, “Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it’s enemy action.”
She moved 600 miles happenstance maybe, enrolling her kids in a school near you , coincidence…maybe, but working in your doctor’s office ???, unless you live literally in a town of like a hundred people what’s up with that ?,Don’t ignore your gut feelings, if you feel something is wrong,there’s no telling what goes on in the minds of some of these people

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Awesome, UXWorld! Way to channel pain into creativity!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You’re amazing!! Kick ass, take numbers, never look back.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Somebody needs to write a book called tales from chumpland!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago

Where to start? What to share? There’s so many positive changes from the dark dark days after DDay 1 12/2014. Here are some: after DDays 2-10…. and STBX said he wanted to see OW “openly” and refused to stop (he was confused about whether to choose me- wife of 25 years and 4 kids- dog and 2 cats– or 30 yo druggie homewrecker he met in an elevator) I told him he had 2 hours to get his shit out of the house; I cried less and less each day, now it’s rare to shed a tear about this; I’ve gained 5 of the 30 lbs I lost and still look amazing and work out every day and am running a race in 6 weeks; I have a smaller circle of friends but every one is 100 % supportive and nurturing — I don’t spend any time on anyone who isn’t; I sleep a full 7-9 hours a night; I like living with my kids and no man in the house – I no longer feel alone; I am starting to read for pleasure again (pre DDay I read a novel a week- for 18 months afterward I couldn’t read anything for pleasure); I can watch television series again — for 18 months I had no interest in any tv or movies; I filed for divorce in January (gave douche a whole year to manifest true reconciliation actions (I offered to hold off on D if he went to drug and alcohol treatment, broke off all contact with OW, devoted a year to IC and working on fixing whatever defect led to the devalue and discard, and a post nuptial that gave me 80% and lifetime maintenance of marriage failed– he refused) and we have mediation in a month and trial in 4 months; I parted ways with my first non-communicative lawyer and hired a kick ass lawyer who GETS it; my kids are slowly healing and we like our quiet drama-free home together; I took my kids on several very fun vacations by myself and had a good time; I made a huge professional goal for myself (studying for and taking a bar exam in another state) to expand my career and I studied my butt off while working and dealing with Divorce crap and I rocked it!!!!; I have gotten closer to a nice cheater-free boyfriend I met a year ago and have great boundaries and am getting male companionship when I need it; I bought a paddleboard and go out on the lake several times a week; I’m almost completely no contact with STBX and limit him to one channel-gmail and keep the responses to bare minimum “yes” “no” and only as it relates to our kids — I truly believe that no contact is healing me from the extreme trauma bond I had to my abuser; I have a very close girlfriend I’ve never met in person but who is going through the exact same thing and we are both on CL 24/7 and support eachother with texts all day long as we are trying to “gain a life” and heal from this devastation; and most days I feel hopeful about the future — a future without my husband and the best friend I thought he was (he was actually acting as my worst enemy would) and I’m truly peaceful, content, and happy. I credit CL and CN more than anything else!

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago

Awesome

Susan
Susan
7 years ago

So happy to hear you story , mother!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago

MotherChump99, I want to give you a high five and a hug!! Your new life sounds amazing! Thanks for sharing, it’s encouraging to hear your growth, my D-day was on 12/24 of this year. I’m making progress, but still processing the trauma. I too thought my husband was my best friend. It’s quite a shock on Christmas Eve to discover he is actually like you said your enemy. But I know better days are ahead!! We are mighty!!??

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

Sorry the DDay was also Christmas ? I’m a huge “Christmas traditions” person. However, the kids and I survived our first Christmas season and made a few new traditions. You only have to do the first one once! It hurt like a mofo– going through all the 1992 wedding ornaments, putting away the “Daddy” stocking, etc etc etc.”. This year WILL be easier than last and I imagine the following years will get easier and easier. Time heals if we stay NC.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

NotThisGirl, I’m so sorry that your DDay was Dec. 24. Mine was a week before Halloween, and then all the Fall holidays were fucked right up: she spent Thanksgiving with the OM, then we got into a huge fight on 12/24, when we were outside after coming home from her sister’s. I thought the kids wouldn’t hear, but DD18 was standing in the window, watching. Then we came inside and were supposed to open their one traditional gift of that night, and DD was crying. It was awful. I’m sure those memories will find plenty of opportunity to raise their ugly heads on future holidays. Sorry again.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

It’s so sad to go through this, but especially around the holidays. We always had real Christmas trees. Of course I was the one who decorated it and took it down and cleaned up the mess. This past year I bought the most beautiful fake Christmas tree on Amazon. It’s prelit with pine cones. I had one decoration on it. It was an ornament I bought from NYC, my first trip there. This year I will have two decorations. I will add the ornament that I bought in Puerto Rico. I will continue to add to my new tree as I add to my new life.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

That is a great idea!

Stephanie
Stephanie
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

You know, I read your stories, and they make me wince and squint and wonder all over again, “WTaF is wrong with these freaks???” They’re such losers! They’re soooooo self-centered, so impulsive, so into immediate gratification, so destructive, and all alike. No matter what brand of cheater they are, they’re really all alike.

And that’s the value of this forum. You read story after story after story and eventually a pattern emerges–it becomes so easy to see, first in other people’s stories, (“Why would ANYONE see anything of any value in someone like THAT??”) and then it finally occurs to you that the jackass twat YOU’RE pining for is in the same damned category. And why would I find anything of any value in THAT idiot??

And then Meh comes.

But mighty needs to come even before that. It takes exercise, of course, but by the time Meh comes, and you’re stronger from being mighty, it’s such a wonderful convergence.

To everyone posting here–well done! You’re helping yourselves and you’re helping everyone reading your post.

HUGS HUGS HUGS!!

NumbChump
NumbChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Needed this!!!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

” have a smaller circle of friends but every one is 100 % supportive and nurturing — I don’t spend any time on anyone who isn’t; I sleep a full 7-9 hours a night; I like living with my kids and no man in the house”

WORD!!!!

carmel
carmel
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

WORD!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

If all you had done wasTHIS, you would be mighty: “I offered to hold off on D if he went to drug and alcohol treatment, broke off all contact with OW, devoted a year to IC and working on fixing whatever defect led to the devalue and discard, and a post nuptial that gave me 80% and lifetime maintenance of marriage failed– he refused.”

Now there, limbo chumps, is how to figure out if a cheater is “remorseful.” First, kick his butt out and then lay out measurable conditions for reconciliation. So impressed.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

And 99.8% of the time, they’re never remorseful nor do they change. (Been on this site 1.75 years, know LOTS of individual stories, and only *1*–count it, 1–story qualifies as remorseful, with the cheater admitting it was all his fault. But he left anyway.) You’re more likely to be hit by lightning than have a successful long-term reconciliation (and the lightning strike would be less painful).

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, make that 1 1/2…..Weasel apologized and even said he didn’t try in the “relationship” the last years…..even said don’t blame yourself, you are a wonderful woman…..GAG! LOL

Allison
Allison
7 years ago

You are doing this! So proud of you.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago

For the newbies:
I was abandoned without warning by a stone cold sociopath cheater. I have a daughter with special needs. I was hospitalized twice.

Three years out: I’m raising my daughter, won in court for great child support and alimony, bought my own home and have a thriving business.

Newbies (and everyone else): don’t you EVER give up!!!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago

Thanks for the encouragement!! You’re an inspiration to us newbies to keep fighting the good fight!!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

You rock! Thanks for sharing your awesomeness!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Yes! Good for you! Yes, never give up!

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago

After 4 + years living on a knife edge with visa regs and work restrictions I have finally managed to achieve permanent residency ( 2 weeks ago! those familiar with visa regs, particularly in Australia, may understand how difficult this is).

One of the hardest things I have found about recovering from being a chump is dealing with the gas lighting and low self esteem. Try working in a foreign country in a limited job occupation because of the visa constraints with not 1, but 2, misogynistic sociopathic bosses and come out the other side unscathed. Whilst we all know bullying in the workplace exists, nothing prepared me for the verbal & physical abuse (yes items being thrown at your head!!!) and intimidation and discrimination that I have endured to finally achieve (through my own expense) – I actually thought I had gone back 20-30yrs in time!

The only thing that prevented me from getting on a plane and returning back to my homeland was that after 16+ years wasted on my cheating XH I was gonna get something out of this situation and have more options. My support network was here (my sister) so it made sense to hold on but I was close on many occasions to throwing in the towel.

It’s hard to grow and recover as an individual if when you try and set boundaries but yet these do not apply in the workplace. I encountered daily triggers by my horrible bosses and as a consequence it steadily increased my anxiety attacks, but I am quite proud of the fact that I eventually stood my ground against these horrible individuals and managed a coping strategy which has resulted in me securing an opportunity to have more choices in my future. I am currently searching for a new job and contemplating what I would like to do now. I do get scared about being single – financially insecure and on the mature side of the the recruitment pool but I now have the confidence to tackle it and I have learnt a hell of a lot about myself along the way.

At the moment I consider my ability to deal with daily snarky, undermining comments (much like living with my XH) in the workplace for the last 4 years seems a bigger achievement than my divorce and I am no longer afraid of moving forward. I have a regular gym routine, I meditate, and I have recently joined a weekly meet up group for live music (my social outing). I have also rescued a lovely affectionate cat called Boris, he’s my TV/Bed companion.

Life is looking much rosier nowadays………I would never have thought that in 2012…

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

How horrid! Fuck those co-workers! Can you sue them for creating a hostile work environment? Talk to an employment lawyer?
Throwing object at you? That’s assault and battery!

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago

Not in western Au – it’s another world – trust me, no normal HR rules apply it can be adhered to ( in the surface) ?? unreal – I have kept one of the objects hurled at me- a highlighter that zipped past my nose- it’s a running joke amongst my friends. ?
When I eventually get my own place I shall spray it gold and frame it – like a badge of honour ?

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

love how you are turning the highlighter that represents a negative into a positive!

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Dilbert – I love your mightiness! You say, ‘Not in western Au – it’s another world – trust me, no normal HR rules apply it can be adhered to’

I hear you a little bit there. I’m in the US but I used to sell wholesale lumber to Australia and W. Aussies were my biggest customers. Perth, north to Brisbane and other tasty areas, as well as south to where the big Jarrah trees were. They had the wildest bars and I’m from Montana!
As you know, it IS a mans’ world! I was the only export gal that ever showed up in their country, especially W. Aus. Mostly, I was treated well and they gave me business just for my guts, I guess, but i saw very clearly how distinct their culture is with men vs women.

I wish you luck – you are a hero for getting through workplace bullying. But, I understand it in places like the entire lumber business, oil business, and especially the home life. Women cook and care for the kids, absolutely. For those that don’t know. NW Aussie is much like SE US in many cultural ways.

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

lol – I’ll never forget the ‘boss’ on the trading floor, getting up mad and flinging a chair high in the air – nobody knew where it would land so we all ducked. Fucker was crazy! And, this is in the US.

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

Haha SheChump, that would have been funny to watch, glad someone believes me when I tell them about the work culture here, my friends back in Ireland and the UK think I am exaggerating! I once avoided a construction helmet one being hurled across a site donga in my direction one afternoon….these managers were neanderthal at times, when I complained I was ‘reassigned to another project’ is it any wonder I am still single in this neck of the woods… lol ……..hopefully outta this industry for good soon!

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

“That can be adhered to” &
” On the surface” blooming spellcheck!!!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

I don’t really have anything to add today, but I love the stories of these loser creeps being kicked out on their asses where they belong. And being forgotten and discarded like yesterday’s McDonald’s wrapper. Bravo.

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Ever had a boss who pulled a gun on his 5 female staff because he was drunk and didn’t want to sign our pay cheques? Then he mumbled ‘you bitches only work here for the money’ We all ducked and ran, came back the next Monday, he threw the office keys at the oldest ‘bitch’, told her to bring him the cheque book, made her write the cheques, then he signed them. Aahh, the eighties were fun… South of France, 1986.

MovingOn
MovingOn
7 years ago

I just sent my ex a business-like email about our kids’ schedules and received a snarky, passive-aggressive reply to which I just rolled my eyes and then just moved on with my day. A couple of years ago, I likely would have become infuriated and found someone to rant to. I’ve finally accepted the fact that my ex is an unhappy person who will always find a way to make our interactions difficult, but it’s not my fault, and it’s not my problem.

I still have my bad days, but meh is something I experience more and more. It will come to you, new folks, I promise. After everything my ex has put me and our kids through, feeling meh more often than not makes me feel mighty!

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

‘ I’ve finally accepted the fact that my ex is an unhappy person who will always find a way to make our interactions difficult, but it’s not my fault, and it’s not my problem. ‘

Thank you so much for this reminder, MovingOn. I have very little contact w/the ex these days (4 years out), but this is so the case, and I just have to remind myself of this, so as not to waste my emotional energy when it happens AGAIN.

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I Am 5 yrs out. We are separated, but I tell you, I am finally getting it thur my thick head, he & I will just not agree w how it all went down, so now I just bear & grin it, cuz I know it’s just not worth my time… Nor emotions any more…

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

+1

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago

This is a bit tough for me today. Meeting with lawyer yesterday and not only is wackjob in a position to keep his share of my inheritance he can also keep my share of all of our joint assets such as motorcycles house trailer etc and does not have to pay me back money his company owes mine. He can also stick me with half of the crazy debt he has put his company in since I am still a major shareholder until an agreement is reached.. Ok but mightiness–I have finished with my counselor for now (funding done) and she says I am definitely a successful story after only 11 months.
Anxiety depression and cptsd much much better. .I no longer feel trauma bonded no longer feel codependent. I don’t love him anymore. That is a huge step after 37 years of loving him. He is despicable and I really see him now…he won’t ever abuse me again (except for court if we get there ugh). Keep me in your prayers. My separation offer goes out today.positive thoughts. “I am getting what I need in the settlement”. Thanks cl you helped to get me this far…

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

Going through the same with traitor. He didn’t have a pot to piss in when we met, now he wants half of everything. I was 42 when we met, and could have retired to live off my property investments. All he had was 2 ex wives and 4 kids, and was unemployed. His Highness claimed to despise money, ha ha! Hang in there. We need to remind ourselves of how stupid and lazy they are, so they are bound to sink to the bottom while we will bob back up to the surface. CL, excellent timing with the mightiness check, thank you. Needed this!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

SadLady, prayers going out to you! I know when you get news like that you can feel overwhelmed and as if the wind has been knocked out of you. When I started to think about all of the things I was going to lose, I came up with a way to make it easier. I put eveythjng through my ultimate truth, which was I did not want to be married to a cheater. So I would ask myself, a question, ” Do you want to live in your beautiful house?” And the answer was yes, but then I asked myself, “Do you want to live in your beautiful house with a cheater?” And the answer was No!! I I did this with eveythjng I was going to have to give up and I found there wasn’t anything I wanted bad enough to stay with a cheater. So I encourage you to do the same thing with everything you feel like you’re going to lose. So for instance, do you want to keep all of your inheritance? The answer is of course yes. But then ask yourself, “Do you want to keep all your inheritance and have to live the rest of your life with a cheater, the answer is most likely, NO!! Even though it feels horrible right now, ultimately you are the one coming out ahead. Whatever the cost may be… a life of love, peace, and freedom is worth it. Hope that helps and make sure your lawyer is a pitbull!!!

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

Thanks everyone. He is sooo dodgy that is how he will get away with it. That and the fact that our joint assets are in his company’s name( insurance purposes–wish I had known ugh). Plus I’m trying to get his share of my inheritance (not entitled to under Canadian law-‘my hard working parents woukd roll over in their graves). Also it’s hard to get the business debt his company owes mine -all of this after he blew hundreds of thousands in his company by lying to me about having assets to cover the debt. Also he didn’t earn a pay cheque the last year of our marriage oh yes he planned it fir the last 4 years–what a despicable human being…

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

That division sounds fishy to me. Are you sure your lawyer is sharp and a fighter? Maybe spend a few more dollars (ugh) and get a second opinion. Here’s hoping he’s just laying out worst-case scenario.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Agree; the division of assets/debts in the company does not sound equitable.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

Hang in there, SadLady. Just slogging through the endless legal and financial process each day takes tremendous might. You are DOING IT! Keep at it with your atty’s help and use whatever leverage you can to minimize the damage to your position. I, too, had to sacrifice half of my assets while X got away with dissipating hundreds of thousands of dollars of marital assets. I was so pissed! But in the end I considered myself fortunate to have finalized the divorce just prior to thanksgiving — if we had gone into the new year I would have been liable for hundreds of thousands in business taxes and potentially millions in business debt. Sometimes we have to cut our losses to keep from being dragged further down to the abyss! Prayers for you as you continue the process. You are mighty!!!!!

mgirontree
mgirontree
7 years ago

Started to teach yoga full time. Took more time to take care of myself and my needs. Started to work at a yoga studio (considered the best in our town) last year. Got promoted to LEAD Yoga Teacher with double pay. I have more self-confidence, self-respect, self-esteem, and the same time more compassion toward my weaknesses (I still love the EX). Working on letting go of the delusional idea that somehow my EX will change and be a better human.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  mgirontree

That’s wonderful. I couldn’t imagine life without yoga.

Limey Chump
Limey Chump
7 years ago

I can cook a few proper meals now. Later On I’m taking my son abroad for a holiday by myself. It’s been more than two years since I cried.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Limey Chump

Good for you, Limey! I hope you have a wonderful trip. Stay strong.

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago
Reply to  Limey Chump

2 years is awesome Limey – enjoy your holiday !

Twitching
Twitching
7 years ago

1. Full custody, with child support and alimony (Presbyterianpastor ex moved to states away, leaving not just me but the kids too)
2. Bought an adorable house in a great neighborhood, have been updating it a little at a time. New floors everywhere!
3. Got a job. Lost it (no tenure, unit was cut), then got another job.
4. Found a new man friend who is interested in me (which is unexpected and frankly kind of shocking)
5. Free from secrets, lies, daily heartbreaking discoveries. I’m telling my truth. I see zero need to protect him.
6. I’m definitely feeling the meh, and it is a wonderful thing.

divorceat25
divorceat25
7 years ago

My first paper got published yesterday in a pretty good journal. It was almost exactly a year after the breakup of my marriage :).

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  divorceat25

Great news, D25! Congratulations on this success and may many more come your way!

arlo
arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  divorceat25

Congrats!!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  arlo

You are awesome D25! So very proud of you!

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
7 years ago

Mine came last week when I watched the judge rip the ex a new one for lying about every claim he made against me at our custody trial (which he filed less than a year after we FINALLY finalized our divorce, after he dragged it out for over two years). He wanted full custody and for ME to pay HIM and the wifetress whom live inn another state. (So basically flip and reverse the entire divorce decree). Guess he didn’t realize you need actual PROOF of the ridiculous claims he made against me? Ooops! I wish I had a bowl of popcorn when the judge flipped out on him. It was awesome… justice at last!!!!

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago

Isn’t it incredible how they think that they are above the law? I think that they are so enamored with their superiority that they do not believe that the rules apply to them. Good for you and good for your judge! Mine made us sign a wage garnishment contract for spousal support to make it more “iron clad” at the divorce date before we left. I guess she saw right through him too!

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
7 years ago

Chumpasaurus Rex, yes!! It blows my mind how arrogant they can be! My only gripe is wondering how he even was able to take it THIS far with zero proof. There should be some sort of screening process in place before chumps are forced to fork out thousands of dollars simply to show the narcs are full of shit.

icandothis18
icandothis18
7 years ago

I don’t see much growth but I guess there’s some. I cry a lot less, I’m not the marriage police anymore, I’m not being treated like crap by him. I have less anxiety. I get up and love my kids every day. I am managing the house alone. I got a full time job after 13 years at home. I’m very grateful for my friends and their support.

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  icandothis18

Getting a job after 13 years is mighty. Don’t sell yourself short.
This is just the start too!

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
7 years ago
Reply to  icandothis18

You are very mighty and you can definitely do this! I like that you have gratitude for your supportive friends. Stay strong. Love and healing to you.

Justine
Justine
7 years ago
Reply to  icandothis18

Sometimes getting up, going to work and loving your kids is the mightiest thing of all.
Stay strong, believe in yourself and each day will be one more towards contentment and happiness.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  icandothis18

Icandothis

You are on the right path proving you can do this! Those are some mighty accomplishments!

Caroline
Caroline
7 years ago
Reply to  icandothis18

That is a LOT of growth. So… you care for your home and your children with minimal input, you work full time, after more than a decade out of the paid employment workforce, your emotional wellbeing is much more stable and less miserable. I’d say that’s pretty impressive!

You sound quite down and flat, and that’s probably because you’re just tired and worn out – hardly surprising – but know that all of these things are huge achievements.

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago

I am at the beginning of my journey. My STBX still lives in my house and has a girlfriend on the side. It’s not going too well with the (married) girlfriend, so he’s taking it out on me, with scathing text messages. Yay for the block function!

Anyway, despite this, and after getting yet another, text message full of bullshit (I didn’t read it all), yesterday, I put my best foot forward and got hired for a job! Nothing fancy, it’s a cashier’s job at a local super market. But, it’s my first step towards independence from my crazy, abusive STBX.

I also have a friend who’s going to keep an eye open for positions at her place of employment, which, should I get it, pays double AND is in the field I plan to study once the divorce is over.

Hellno
Hellno
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Keep on keeping on Crazydoglady, it definitely gets better, and you’re on the right track

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

So very happy for you. And how smart you are to do things one step at a time.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

wow, hang in there and get him out as soon as you can!

lady jane
lady jane
7 years ago

I go to court in a little over a week. Although anxious, I know I can do this. It will be over two years since I’ve seen him. I’m working, taking care of my home. My son is doing better. We are both less anxious and rarely talk about Dodo. Although I think about him the thoughts are no longer consuming. Someone told me love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. I really thought about that and realize it’s true. He made a choice to cheat, lie, walk away. I have a choice too and I choose not to love him.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

LadyJane

“I have a choice too and I choose not to love him.”

This I believe was my very first and difficult step in detoxing from my abuser. I told my therapist I wanted to stop loving him. This by far was the greatest task I struggled with. First he tortured me and in staying I tortured myself. My thoughts of him changed drastically from love to relief that he’s no longer my problem.

Sending you positive energy, thoughts and strength for your court date.

lady jane
lady jane
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Thank you, Doingme. This is a long process and those first nine months are the worst. It is hard for us who invested wholeheartedly to stop loving someone. I suppose in the end we have to choose to love ourselves and save our sanity.

Wishing you the best.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

It’s been over a year since my divorce was finalized.

I bought a new (orange) car.

Sold my home and moved to the country where I garden and raise chickens.

I got my dream job as the magazine editor at my company.

Took a dream trip to Israel this summer.

I have so much more money now that idiot isn’t spending it all and hoarding up the house.

I wake up everyday with gratitude of the peace and joy in my life.

He on the other hand is in debt, hoarded up his new unfinished home, has relationship problems with his new girlfriend and her daughters, has even more broken down cars in his driveway. So glad to be off the crazy train!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Woohoo, ChumpedtotheMax! Turns out he was beneath you all along; congrats on all the achievements after kicking him to the curb.

arlo
arlo
7 years ago

Love love love the mightiness check-in and reading everyone’s triumphs, small and large. Small victories mean so much to chumps, large victories feel like the universe is back in balance.

I’ve been working my ass off for the past year, and yesterday I got a huge promotion, along with a 15K raise. Hallelujah!!!

I can definitely see meh from here, many days I even feel grateful for all of it. The pain was worth it.

Thanks CN and CL, love you!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  arlo

The pain was worth it! I second that Arlo! Congratulations!

Grateful
Grateful
7 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Congratulations!!! I am beginning to feel similar-the pain was worth it!!!

FindingPeace
FindingPeace
7 years ago

I laughed at the “start the lawnmower yourself.” I went out to do the yard work shortly after he left. I remember him complaining about the lawn mower not working. I texted him asking did it still work – what was the deal. He texted back get a new lawn mower or get a gardener. I put gas and oil in the lawn mower and it started right up. Next – the gas weed eater. Had a friend show me how to start it. When it ran out of wire I couldn’t get the head off. Asked next door neighbor. He couldn’t get it off. Asked gardener working across the street. He got it off but couldn’t put it back on. I took the weed eater, sat down and figured it out. I used that gas weed eater until it fell apart. I love doing my own yard.
Having less laundry, less groceries, no tantrums in the house, lower utility bills… wonderful.
This 50 year old STBXH took his 23 y.o. coworker camping in our camper that’s in my back yard that I am paying for. Said he was taking our daughter camping, but also took OW. Weeks later I had to go in there for something, snapped from the anger, and threw his helmet. Hit and bent some blinds. Later he sees it and says what a bitch I am for bending the blinds. Uhhhh – what is he, taking his OW camping in our camper? Lol Their logic – they have none. Only their twisted justifications.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingPeace

FindingPeace, your lawn mower and weed eater story could have been mine! Same situation – he didn’t take care of what we had like I thought he did. When I did a little maintenace on those items, they worked just fine for me. I read the manual and figured it out without him.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Learning to use the riding mower was a huge step for me, since I have a few acres to cut. I still like push mowing but just don’t always have time when the weather is right. But I outsource mower maintenance!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Me too. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve run over with the mower. Then there was the headless snake. Damn dogs. I really really hate snakes. I went around this snake so I didn’t have to see it. Almost in tears. Thank God for my neighbor who came and got it for me.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

See, that’s the whole story of my relationship with cheater narc (and his relationship with our kids) in a nutshell, ” he didn’t take care of what we had like I thought he did. When I did a little maintenace on those items, they worked just fine for me. I read the manual and figured it out without him.”

arlo
arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Me three!

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingPeace

Yes exactly. Mine threatened to call the police when I said he needed to contribute to the mortgage before he picked up the trailer to bring the OW and her daughter camping (something he would only do under duress and miserably at that). The trailer never came back…he did say “his” trailer. ..never mind it was my hard work renting out our cottage that paid for it. …

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

Amazing how everything belongs to them that they paid for because they have the dick? Good riddance to the trailer hopefully him his whore and the kid will have to live in it! Sad for the kid. Asswipe prefers whore juices kids over his own. And now my girl keeps a great distance and the boy only uses him to beg for money. Asswipe is assending deeper and deeper into the pits of hell, now he has deveoped ulcers on top of all his other health woes. And i couldnt be more delighted for him. After all he did this to himself.

Anita Jacques
Anita Jacques
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

I was incredibly angry that he does seem to choose her child over his own 2 children( grown up or not I say). My kids will see him for what he is, they just don’t want to now. He didn’t even wish his son a happy birthday. I don’t want the trailer back anyway he is like a dog marking his territory with his sl#t. I would never use it again.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita Jacques

Some dont deserve to have children because they are pods and how stupid is whore juice that he treats her children better than his own. And she likes it! Appalling! Your young one will grow up being loved and adored by you! He will see his sperm donor for what he really is one day. They the cheater pods are the destroyers of life they dont get to win. You are mighty!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

My house will close soon and the mess will be over. After yesterday when i found info i never wanted to hear or see that i wasnt looking for and found by accident. Asswipe usually hides evidence in his tool box. I can say i the last switch turned off. I have no feelings at all for asswipe and zero respect and today i feel good that that switch turned off. I have a new little house picked out and i woke up this morning thinking i hate him but i dont i feel nothing for he is nothing hes proved it time and again hes nothing. And i feel mighty knowing all of you here and a shout out to tempest whose note to me made me smile. I will wera the dead eyes a few weeks now and then start on that big trail to meh!

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

KM- I bet in the next mighty shout out you will be so much further on – finding out even more damaging info about the ass swipes we were with months/ years after the event is not helpful but sometimes helps ‘seal a nail in the coffin’ . I remember 3 yrs after leaving the XH finding out some damning evidence that validated my ‘ rantings’ any remaining threads of compassion I had for him disappeared in a nano second. hugs to you

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Thank you digbert i know i will be mightyier. But when i move i cut all ties. My kids are aware dont tell me anything about the sperm donor and reveal nothing of me to him. My kids are fine with it they rarely interact with him. He only wants them around occasionly to show off as big daddy. They know that and keep their distance. Asswipe is aware hes losing cred with them but seems to not care. His loss. They call me to share their good news or to vent to mom. Him hes gets nothing. Pisses him off but as my grandma always said you get out of life what you put in. He gives nothing of himself and is only fixated on his screaming old penis. After yesterday that was the ultimate final straw now i no longer care if he lives, breathes or dies. He is nothing.

Anita Jacques
Anita Jacques
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Yes this Kaar Marie. He ignores our son completely. Does try to hoover daughter and she does keep him in her life but it seems like only to help her with her car. She still will not go to the OW;s house to see him and I’m sure doesn’t appreciate the new much younger “sister” he’s trying to ram down her throat. They don’t really talk about him and I refrain from asking too. Its for the best really. My daughter recently said she wants to do Christmas dinner and only for me her and her brother–win for me!! I am being the sane parent…

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

I am getting better at responding to my BS meter, speaking up about what I need, asking tough questions, refusing to accept BS answers, and being willing to move on from any person who can’t reciprocate healthy relating behaviors.

Grateful
Grateful
7 years ago

Thanks to this blog, I have come a long way. Most times I don’t feel like a fool as he created a mockery of me and gave the AP ammunition so that she could continue to fire at the already wounded.

As I was working on my masters when I discovered the affair and had made up my mind that I would not live through another affair. I completed my masters degree, passed my certification exam and work as a counselor. I have exceeded all rehab performance requirements my first year on the job-not certain how b/c it has been so difficult to focus. He mistakenly sends me texts meant for his AP so I finally blocked his number and I am enjoying the no contact. Miraculously one of his phone conversations with the AP was recorded to my home phone-I was sad but relieved at the same time as I got a chance to hear them discuss me and confirmed that he will never change.

Importantly, my home is filled with love. My daughters and I are enjoying the peace of our home-no longer dealing with an individual who found fault or criticism in everything we did b/c he is fucked up.

He hasn’t signed the separation agreement and it’s been almost a year now-I held off due to money but will no longer allow this to stop me from the divorce. Giving him 30 days then will file a motion. Divorce from him is priceless!!!

Thanks CL and CN for investing time, effort, and resources to save the wounded!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Grateful

Omg — this happened to me too: “Miraculously one of his phone conversations with the AP was recorded to my home phone-I was sad but relieved at the same time as I got a chance to hear them discuss me and confirmed that he will never change.”

Before I went NC and blocked him, STBX used to call and text me incessantly. He called from work, got my VM, thought he hung up but actually conferenced her and their conversation was left on my VM. His inflections (think JR High sing-song voice) to OW were literally sickening. Completely fake and sickly sweet. She sounded like a moron too. All this time he was telling me he was no longer seeing her and fishing with me for more cake but in fact they were living together!

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Grateful

“Importantly, my home is filled with love. My daughters and I are enjoying the peace of our home-no longer dealing with an individual who found fault or criticism in everything we did b/c he is fucked up. ”

THIS!!!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Grateful

Grateful,
It does not matter now, but don’t buy for a minute he was “mistakenly” sending you those texts. One time? Yes. More than once? No way. He wanted you to see them.

Sadist!

Chris W.
Chris W.
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Yep – they do this shit on purpose and then say, “whoops, my bad! Shucks, I’m sorry! LOL”

They ALWAYS add that stupid “lol” after one of their “innocent” fuckups.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago

I sold the marital home without a realtor (saved$$). Sold, donated or packed all the stuff from that big beautiful house myself. I bought a cute little townhouse that was in need of TLC which I have given it. It’s a blessing every day to wake up in a place that’s minne where I feel safe and happy again. This is the first time in my life I have lived alone and I love it! Well, not alone – the cat is with me and D is here when she’s home from college.

I traded my car in on a new one. Glad to be away from the memories of cheater jumping in the backseat so he could text his women while either D or I drove us. I went to a different dealership/saleperson that the one cheater was sending his local women to for car help.

I moved D home for the summer from her successful 1st year of college. Helped her transfer to another larger school that offers the major she wants. Moved her in there yesterday. I must mention that cheater scheduled an out of town work trip the week of her moving home and the week of her to her new school. Asshole – not there for his kid. Course I was fine with not having to see him.

I was contacted by Switzerland couple on my birthday that I haven’t talked to in over a year. They asked to get together and I declined saying that I’d like to keep my personal life private. I don’t think they will contact me again.

I’m staying busy at work and trying to be more focused than I was when my personal life was a mess.

I’m grateful every day to have cheater out of my life. I’m slowly finding me again, working on re-buildng my self esteem and boundaries. After DDay, I tried out a meditation group and really liked it. I wasn’t able to attend while I was packing and moving but I’m going consistantly again now. It helps me to relax and focus on what’s important to me now instead of the past.

Probably plento of other things I could mention here but these are the highlights.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Congrats washing off the dirt of cheater–new house, new car, new friends. (You’re my idol for how you handled the Switzerland friends, the one area of my life in which I still don’t feel mighty).

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

You can do it, Tempest.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

I loved reading your mightiness story! I saw so many parallels to my own, especially the sense of safety and gratitude. I have that too and it’s marvelous! Thanks for sharing!! <3

BetterOffNow
BetterOffNow
7 years ago

Well, everything broke (septic system, washer, car etc) at the same time. Everything that is but me. No panic here. I just handled it all.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterOffNow

Better, you are the BOSS! Amazing how much less stressful all that broken stuff is, when you’re not being undermined by a narc cheater!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

BoN and KarenE, for me, the there was added stress when dealing with those things. I *thought* I had a partner for life but when the stressful, broken things came up, he was all of a sudden missing, too busy, or whatever to help out. So I was on my own even though he was there. [likely the same for you guys too] I was more frustrated because I got zero help from him than I was dealing with whatever the issue was. When those things come up now, I won’t say they’re not stressful but that added stress of ‘being alone even though you’re with someone’ is gone.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

plus I laugh when I think about him having to deal with those things on his own now!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

I have not media checked, cyber spied, or telespoofed my X or his harem of whores since 4 August 2016.

I put away all cards, gifts and reminders of X.

I have stopped having fantasies about him showing remorse or apologizing to me, or even contacting me.

I have started working again.

I keep my house clean.

I take care of my pets religiously.

I lost 22 libs. (I could have gone the other way and become a small shed. I love to eat.)

I laughed while watching Scrubs DVDs.

I paid all my bills and maintained good credit even though I wanted to say “Fuck it.”

I mostly stopped toying with the idea of giving up on life.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Way to go! Keep up the No Contact, the path to the truth and the light!

I eventually took anything that reminded me of Narkles the Clown to the outdoor shooting range, offered to let everyone there take something to obliterate – had to share the fun!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

You’re doing great Sylvia! I look forward to the day you change your screen name to “Sylvia is Happy”.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yay Sylvia! You’ve got this!

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

You got this, Sylvia! That’s how the road to ‘meh’ begins, with the baby steps.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

You are on your way to meh sylvia tiny baby steps. You go girl! Big hugs!

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
7 years ago

I’ve been putting off searching for a new job for a while now and but I finally got stopped dragging my feet and sent out a few applications. I got a call the next day and I’m now going in for a 3rd interview on Monday. This would be a higher level job (a director level) and a big pay increase. I really could use this money and I am really excited about working for this organization. Fingers crossed for me!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago

May the Force be with you StrawberryJellyfish!

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago

Good luck and good for you! I feel like after I got out of my situation, I definitely had a fire under my ass like never before. Glad that you are progressing!!! 🙂

Champ
Champ
7 years ago

I’m halfway to finding meh, I figure, because I still think of him and Twat-face a lot, and have the occasional “what if he realizes his mistake and comes back” moments, now quickly followed by “He’d no longer fit into my life.”

I work from home, so with him gone it’s quieter, I can have my own guilt-free schedule, and the food in the pantry lasts longer. My car died, so I rent one as I need it. I’m not rushing into another guy or another car. I took my summer holidays, and found some time to work in the garden but mostly I’ve been working hard. I maintained my clients through all the crap, and appeased my creditors, so even though I’m greatly in the hole financially, I’m staging our pretty house in a crappy city, and planning to move to a pretty house in a pretty town 6 hours away for far less money, less debt, and new places to explore. I can hardly wait.

Moving far away is a big improvement, because originally I was going to move to a town close to here that he wouldn’t mind moving to if he wanted to come back to me … and then I’d sit there and wait for him to come.

It wasn’t an overnight decision to finally be on my own and give up hopeless thoughts of reconciliation. I’m 2 years out from D-day, and at least 4 years out (but could be 12) from him abandoning me in his heart. I’m giving myself one more year of “taking time to think” and then it’s “ME-H Time”.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Champs, my biggest fear in life (aside from anything happening to my child) is that Narkles the Clown realizes his mistake and tries to come back. Does Chump Nation have an emergency bail line?

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I went through that same fear while I was in the process of the separation agreement and divorce. I was in fear that the OW would kick him out and that being homeless he would decide to move back since he was still on the deed. In the early days I was also afraid that if he asked I would be weak and let him live in the house. Then there was the whole not feeling safe thing. What if he just showed up and walked in? I never kept my guns loaded when I was at home. But that changed and not only were they loaded, but extra magazines were at hand. It was horrible and if I let myself I can still get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Now it’s all mine and he does not have anything left here. I still went through a bunch of scenarios in my mind of what I would do or say. I had pithy remarks at the ready. The scripting in my imagination was fabulous. I have a new script now, should that day ever come It’s easy to remember and I don’t have to write it down. I will say, “No.” If I’m feeling extra talkative, I will say, “Fuck no!”

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AOoK……same here……aside from anything happening to my child, is that Weasel tries to come back. Hell to the NO!!!!!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I do i do! Fuck off narkles! You cant see me!

Champ
Champ
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I hope so … or we should start one … NarcBusters!

Ms. Machete
Ms. Machete
7 years ago

Love this!

I have survived four years of court battles, and in the process:

1. Was very validated when our court-ordered psych evals came back perfect for me and with a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder for him.

2. I stayed a business which is hugely successful and allows me to work from home, meaning I have gotten to spend four beautiful years raising my daughter.

3. After finding two very shitty (and then one terrific) counselors, I felt called to address the lack of therapists equipped to deal with targets of Cluster B psychos and, to that end, I am now over halfway thru my master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. And have just been accepted into a PhD program, because I want to be the one administering the psych evals and advocating for kids and their non-disordered parents.

4. I’m no longer scared to use my love and my voice to advocate for myself and my daughter, even in the face of a horribly broken family court system.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

You Rock! So glad you are going to be a counselor, there are so few good ones.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

Congratulations! You are very inspiring. Thank you for using this pain to galvanize your desire to help others.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

You have lived up to your moniker, and THANK the HEAVENS there will be one more counselor out there soon equipped to deal with Cluster Bs!!!!!!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

You’re going to make the world a better place!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

What a powerful response to the unfairness and pain you endured! Thanks for going forward in strength to make the world a better place.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

#3 – OUTSTANDING!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

^^^ Yes, indeed. And think of how many people you will help.

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
7 years ago

I am starting to take better care of my health again. That’s actually a big deal to me, it’s my self-esteem going in the correct direction. 🙂

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  LIningUpDucks

Ducks, so good to hear! You deserve to be well treated, and you’re the one starting that!

Michael
Michael
7 years ago

Since D-day 1.5 years ago I’ve learned to enforce boundaries, bought a new bike and got back into mountain biking, lost 34 pounds and is back to my 20 something physique. I divorced my cheater shortly after d-day and wonder now what I ever saw in her!

Also, my picker has much improved. I met a super attractive woman last week at a concert and ended up having drinks with her after the show. After talking to her for a bit, I realized how selfish she was. Now chumpy old me would have overlooked that and made all sorts of excuses for her. But new me deleted her number that same night. It was a new experience because the entire time we were talking I felt like I was looking at her through a new lens. Although she was physically very attractive, her personality made her very unattractive. I felt like I leveled up.

I’m certainly not so bent on having someone like that in my life anymore despite their personality or history, as a friend or otherwise. I’m OK by myself now. Had to learn that the hard way! But man she was hot! I was disappointed but better now than later.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

HI Michael,
Can I ask what made her so “hot”? I am really curious. I never lose my mind over men I see anywhere. It leads me to believe that men and women are truly different in the way they view the world.

I would never remember or even consider someone because they were “hot” that I knew for a “hot” minute. It would not matter to me. I grieve the emotional connection and sex and intimacy with someone I was engaged to…but a stranger does not capture me like that.

I am asking you honestly. Your regret is how hot she was, but you are glad that you saw she was selfish. But you still focus heavily on her looks and your decision to not pursue them as a “disappointment”. (But man she was hot!)

I guess looks ARE that big of deal to men?

Michael
Michael
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, what KarenE, Peakyblinders, and Tempest said. I just meant she was physically attractive. For me a beautiful face and especially if they look kind, is what draws me initially. Even as a child I admired women’s faces. But as we all know looks can be deceiving. It most definitely is not just a guy thing as I have women friends who find certain men “hot”, whatever that may mean to them.

And I have no “regrets” about this stranger whom I spent 2 hours talking to because it made me realize how much I’ve grown in 1.5 years. My DISAPPOINTMENT comes from the fact that she was obviously not mate material. If I focused heavily on her looks, I would have ignored all the red flags. And the whole point of my post was that I didn’t and that her personality undid any initial attraction.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Yep, a hot guy will turn my head every time! I may not go for it anymore but beauty still gets me. I am cis woman, but I’ve also seen women that are so smokin hot I find them attractive too – alas, not my thing.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

I completely agree. I was called by our department attorney to interview a man who claimed to be a victim of harassment. He was very “hot” and seemed to have it all, humor, intelligence, looks, the whole package. Then he told his story. I remained very professional but it’s a very good thing the weasly bastard could not read my mind. He’s still very good looking but no longer attractive.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

‘Hotness’ is not just a guy thing at all. I can easily walk away from a hot guy who is openly grandiose, but my ex was a hot guy playing the vulnerability card (sad sausage narc), and I can fully admit now that the hotness was pretty blinding!

Now I just give things time; people’s character shows with time, IF my eyes are open. And the blinding effects of hotness do cool down with time!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

So true, KarenE–no longer is “sad sausagedom” hot. Now, I find kindness “hot.”

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I agree that it’s not just a guy thing. If someone is nice to look at, it definitely peaks my interest, as they are “my type”. Any person, guy or girl, can be deceptive regardless of looks. For some of us chump women, the hot guy gets a pass for just a little while longer, but thankfully, the blinders eventually come off! 🙂

Sylvia’s question is what made her so hot… I would start with definitely physical appearance… then when they open their mouths, it can change everything. It can make them even morrre attractive or really ugly…

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

I went on holidays to Phuket.

I asked a guy out, and even though he only wants to be friends he is lovely and I have a new friend.

I bought a push bike and am learning to ride properly at 47.

I am buying a fishing rod tomorrow and learning how to fish – haven’t done it since I was a kid.

I have continued to go to the gym, do line dancing, read, get together with my friends.

I am 7 months out and honestly at meh – I no longer wish for friendship with my STBX.

mathewyellott
mathewyellott
7 years ago

What did I do? let’s see here. I told the OMs wife who has an 8 year old daughter, we have since become great friends (She is leaving that chump with her daughter). I have gotten a better job and moved to a new city alone, and for the first time in 2 years I am falling in love with another person. All the while my ex is still with a dude that left his wife and kid cheated on his family and is cheating on her. It took me a while but I realized who I am and that this stuff is not my fault.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  mathewyellott

Mighty Mathew!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  mathewyellott

Kudos for helping another chump leave a cheater & find happiness.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Moved to a new state 3 years ago. Learned spouse had been cheating with a female coworker a few months after we arrived. Lived the next 2.5 years in misery and sadness, holed up in my house having almost no contact with anyone in the new town. I’ve been on my own now for 3.5 months and have several neighbors I now chat with, have joined a school booster group where I now have a couple actual real friends, and plan to start volunteering at the food bank weekly when school starts next week. I am extremely introverted so all of these seemingly minor steps at joining the town community are extremely outside of my comfort zone. I am very pleased at my progress! Baby steps!

And the stuff you guys are posting is incredible!! I want to be you when I grow up!!

Just me
Just me
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Not small at all. Volunteering is a huge thing for the people who benefit from it. Booster group is a two for one – kids see you supporting them and you’re meeting people you can have community with. Huge. huge!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie, I’m an introvert too so I get it. Good for you!

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Good for you, Dixie! Progress is still progress no matter how small you may feel it is. I am proud of you being able to move on and know that you will continue to grow and thrive!

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago

Tomorrow is the year anniversary of my divorce and all I feel (and felt then) is RELIEF! I am so happy that I got that douche canoe out of my life and away from me whilst he continues his downward spiral. Mightiness check:

I have a beautiful apartment that is decorated girly and cute (I don’t have to worry about making it gender-neutral).

I have both of my sweet, little dogs.

I am kicking ass at work and expecting a promotion and raise in the Fall.

I am dating again but REALLY good at reading red flags and saying “boy bye” before it goes too far (just last night a guy I thought was cool told me how emotionally confused he was that his ex “popped” back into his life, but he still wanted to spend the day with me today. NOPE!)

I have amazing friends and a great family. I have cut all of the toxic people OUT!

I just refinanced my student loans and will be paying much less than I had been.

But, perhaps the best part is that I feel like I have truly arrived at MEH. I trust that he sucks (how could I not after all of his shitty behavior?) And, I feel liberated and truly comfortable being single and doing me.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

Pre Chump Lady is would have said, “Ah, the guy chose to hang out with you over his ex. Isn’t that great.” Now I’m with you, “Bye.” So glad you are able to see through the crap. I’m hoping I will be as quick.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago

Mighty Rex!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

I’m at 2 years since the final D-day when he left to be with the OW and her two young kids.

1. My 10yo son is happy and well-adjusted to NOT having Mr. Sparkles around daily.

2. I have money in the bank.

3. I sleep through the night.

4. I’m slowly, but steadily, kicking his and the OW’s ass in court. (I recently won a subpoena to get all of his AFF records over the last 8 years!) You’ve got to have proof and patience to beat these fuckwits. She’ll be “winning” a penniless thrice-time relationship failing, pathological lying, and bi-sexual cheating Prince Charming.

5. I’m painting and redecorating the house to suit MY style. (He liked everything dark, like a cave.)

6. I just took a week’s vacation with my son to California and we had an amazing time.

7. When I cry, I let myself cry. It used to be daily, now it’s like every three or four months a song on the radio will get me… (so mostly I listen to K-Love now!).

8. I visit chumplady.com daily.

Rock on Chump Nation… and to the newbies… I just read for my first year – I challenge you not to wait so long to start sharing your story… it is the path to healing and moving on into Meh and Mightiness!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Gosh I hope you send OW a congratulations card when this is over, and hope on the inside it actually says
Congratulation son winning a penniless thrice-time relationship failing, pathological lying, and bi-sexual cheating Prince Charming.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AOK… and I’ll use lots and lots of GLITTER 🙂

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Dont forget the sparkle turd!

The EX-orcist
The EX-orcist
7 years ago