UBT: The Other Woman’s Letter to Her New Stepson
The Other Woman writes a letter to her new stepson, seeking to “remove the burden of difficulty and negativity” between them. Blending families has been very painful and hard on OW. Worse really.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
My partner of 19 years left 7 years ago.
He left with his secret girlfriend the morning after he returned with our only child (then aged 14) from a ‘Journey to Manhood’ camp. I had ‘relinquished’ my son to his father’s care. Well, that was short-lived.
My son lives with me full time, yet has continued to see his father, though he sees him for who he is. In my son’s words; ‘I used to have a father who I thought was honest and true, and now I know I don’t’.
Prior to the dramatic exit, my son used to go to the girlfriend’s home (with her family) to play music with my ex.
Since the separation, my son has been adamant that he wants nothing to do with the girlfriend.
It is now 7 years later and my ex has circled back (as predicted). He started cold calling and trying to initiate face-to-face contact (for my son’s ‘well being’). When that was declined, his girlfriend wrote my son a letter, stepping over a clear boundary and ignoring my son’s autonomy.
I am pretty fluent in BS (having read your blog), but thought this was perhaps worthy of the UBT. Perhaps this letter could be helpful to other children of narcissistic dysfunction.
I have my son’s permission to send it to you on public (mental) health grounds.
Regards,
Big Hairy Dog
***
Letter from Other Woman to New Stepson
Dear son of my new partner,
I want to share several points.
Firstly, you are always welcome. Our home will always be a home for you for whatever you need and as long as you need. You might not take up this offer much or for a long time, but that door will never be locked to you. And, if and when you are ready, I have a huge amount of friendship and kindness and availability to share with you. I am not seeking any kind of parent role, as you are complete with your parents and have no need for more. You are welcome in any activity, trip or other aspect in our lives. You are welcome to have the relationship with FW as your Dad and friend that you would like to have. I will always encourage access and connection for you both to connect.
Secondly, you are right to feel really negative about me and FW’s relationship. Starting a relationship with FW while we were both in other relationships was indefensible on every level. The hurt that we caused was probably predictable, but to be honest I had not predicted the depth and length of that hurt on the people we love the most. That hurt lingers on for both FW and me; potentially even longer than it has lingered for those that we hurt. This is not a justification for anything, but may be helpful to know that self-recrimination is a powerful and sobering punishment.
Thirdly, I am available for contact if you would like to communicate. My contact details are below. They are for you to use any time you choose. I am happy to meet you wherever you’re at and physically wherever you would like — when and if you want that. My daughter Betty has also offered her ability availability for you to contact her about this if you would find it useful. Be assured that Betty gave neither FW nor me an easy time, and she’s not seeking to convince you of anything. In fact, it really would be the opposite: she is offering her contact details and availability to you because this has been such a shock in your respective lives.
In the spirit of moving into a new era where none of us feel that we are carrying a burden of difficulty and negativity, I send this to you with my warmest regards.
The New Wife
***
Dear Big Hairy Dog,
You have to wonder why after seven years of low to no contact with your son, your FW ex and his former mistress are reaching out. Did they recently get married? Thus the “new wife” sign off? I guess the impression management needed dusting off. This blended family thing probably isn’t going at all as the Other Woman imagined.
She may be dimly aware now that they detonated their most intimate relationships and created permanent damage. Hey, you were all supposed to realize that Their Happiness was the most important thing! And by making themselves happy, the children would be happy, because they’re all just extensions of their egos.
The satellites got uppity.
Well, the Universal Bullshit Translator is primed and ready, so here goes.
Dear son of my new partner,
Dear son of my partner of seven years. Well, nine if you count when the affair began…
I want to share several points.
I wish to make a pronouncement. Your boundaries are beside the point. I HAVE THINGS TO SAY TO YOU.
Firstly, you are always welcome. Our home will always be a home for you for whatever you need and as long as you need.
I would like to extend this offer now that you are no longer a teenager and smell of sweat and Axe body spray. At 21, you’ve probably figured out your accommodations and personal hygiene. But hey, we have a sofa.
You might not take up this offer much or for a long time, but that door will never be locked to you.
It’s one of those uncomfortable sleeper sofas with the bar down the middle. The kind of sofa that says “Find other shelter.”
And, if and when you are ready, I have a huge amount of friendship and kindness and availability to share with you.
Don’t you want to be friends with your dad’s bang maiden girlfriend? So much awkwardness for so little kindness!
The Other Woman doesn’t want to be your parent.
I am not seeking any kind of parent role, as you are complete with your parents and have no need for more. You are welcome in any activity, trip or other aspect in our lives.
Once a month we go get rock salt for the water softener and we sure could use a young adult to hoist those bags into the hatchback. There’s also trips to senior living to visit my mother. And putt-putt golf. Join us!
You are welcome to have the relationship with FW as your Dad and friend that you would like to have.
Except for the low-contact relationship you currently have. Which you seem to want. You’re welcome to want a different relationship. WHY DON’T YOU WANT A DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP?
I will always encourage access and connection for you both to connect.
It’s not my fault your father’s checked out.
The Other Woman feels your pain. Sort of.
Secondly, you are right to feel really negative about me and FW’s relationship. Starting a relationship with FW while we were both in other relationships was indefensible on every level.
I encourage you to connect with that indefensible relationship!
The hurt that we caused was probably predictable, but to be honest I had not predicted the depth and length of that hurt on the people we love the most.
The hurt that we caused was probably predicable, but to be honest, I wasn’t concerned with anyone’s feelings but my own.
That hurt lingers on for both FW and me; potentially even longer than it has lingered for those that we hurt.
I hurt you, but this is harder on me. No worse, really. Don’t you feel compelled to comfort FW and me for our terrible choices?
This is not a justification for anything, but may be helpful to know that self-recrimination is a powerful and sobering punishment.
No need to punish us with your boundaries. We’ve punished ourselves. We had entire uncomfortable thoughts. For seconds at a time. Unlike you who just had to lose your home and your father at 14.
Call me!
Thirdly, I am available for contact if you would like to communicate.
Here’s my Linktree!
My contact details are below. They are for you to use any time you choose. I am happy to meet you wherever you’re at and physically wherever you would like — when and if you want that.
You can call me at 3 a.m.! From a roadside! Half dead in a ditch! My uncomfortable fold-out sofa is always here for you.
My daughter Betty has also offered her ability availability for you to contact her about this if you would find it useful. Be assured that Betty gave neither FW nor me an easy time, and she’s not seeking to convince you of anything. In fact, it really would be the opposite: she is offering her contact details and availability to you because this has been such a shock in your respective lives.
I have extended this same mindfuck to Betty. I have no idea why she doesn’t want to be an ambassador for my manipulation. Call your mother, Betty!
In the spirit of moving into a new era where none of us feel that we are carrying a burden of difficulty and negativity, I send this to you with my warmest regards.
I imagine that I’m so central to your life that you’re burdened with difficulty and negativity. It couldn’t possibly mean that I’m irrelevant. HEY! I AM OFFERING MY WARMEST REGARDS! After seven years! Surely that means SOMETHING TO YOU?
Lay down your burden! Here on my futon. WE REPLACED THE SOFA, OKAY?
The New Wife
I’m not going away.
BHD,
Hopefully your son has already worked this out, but do please reassure him that he does not owe this woman a response and that maintaining a dignified silence would be right if that is what he wanted. It took me a while to work out that ignoring unwanted (or unwarranted) communication is an entirely appropriate reaction ….. sadly, us Chumps are often too polite for our own good.
LFTT
She has lots of availability to offer him, and doesn’t want to be like a parent. Am I correct in guessing that she is much younger than FW? This is low key creepy.
My first impression. She’s entitled to his dad so why not him too. She has the 7 year itch.
True, it’s striking how often she uses the word “available”. Maybe she mentions her daughter Betty as a form of “bait”, too. Perhaps we are reading too much into this, but if the genders were reversed (an OM, a female stepdaughter and maybe a male son), this would probably be perceived as more obviously creepy.
Caught that too?
!!! I completely missed that! Ugh!
I’m not sure why I’m logging in to comment as I am truly without words. It does give me insight into the absolutely psychotic, extreme delusions cheaters have about themselves, their choices, their actions and the impact of those choices. I’d consider them ill if I didn’t believe wholeheartedly that they know exactly what they are doing.
Saw fuckwit today for the first time in half a year. He gave a sad, vague ‘sorry’. He looks like absolute dog shit. Has health issues going on. He asked me where I was moving to. I told him none of your business. He said I’m just trying to make l conversation. I shut it down straight away. Told him time for conversation was over a long time ago. Now we just have to get this shit done.
I just shake my head in disbelief.
Good job Kate! I’m proud of you. Conversation…what a fw
Hmm, it’s been seven years. I suspect either FW has expressed unhappiness at lack of a son/child, or FW is looking around again for another AP, and this one is suddenly desperate to shore up their relationship by getting the son on her side. Or maybe FW is suddenly realized that per “Journey to Manhood” camp, son is an adult and he will be shut out from a potential wedding and grandchildren.
Looks like image management to me. Even if wifetress just shows the letter to FW or their friends.
I suspect this also. Image management to the max! Or FW health is failing and suddenly caregiving role isn’t looking appealing to the AP wife-tress. Looking around for somebody to USE and boom the son is looking very promising.
I’ve seen that dynamic too play out in FW situations as the cheater ages or is out of a job or basically just looking to USE SOMEBODY for their benefit
You and GoodFriend are so right. After 7 years, something’s up.
Most definitely impression management
“this one is suddenly desperate to shore up their relationship by getting the son on her side”. 100%%%
I actually like that she admitted this. They thought everyone would just get over it an embrace them because their love is so true. I like the fact the son refuses to interact with people who knowingly hurt him.
They knowingly abandon their children;it’s a choice they made together. They didn’t care.
Yeah, that stood out to me too. I actually got that from other people, like my sister, with the whole “What, so you’re never going to talk to him again?! Seriously?!” Yeah, I’m never going to talk to him again. Like, this is not a little game or joke. They put effort into destroying these relationships and then they and their supporters are like “Wait, it’s destroyed?! For real?!” Yeah, for real. It’s mind blowing to hear one admit that she knew she was hurting people but she thought they’d just get over it and maintain their same relationships with her. No. That’s not how life works.
Well, see, consequences don’t apply to special people like them.
There’s a very insightful line in the series Succession where the ex-wife of the abusive patriarch describes how he used to beat his dogs just to see if they’d come back.
I think it’s because, on a certain level, it sucks being a FW and is existentially torturous to wear masks because FWs never know who’s really their friend or who really “loves” them. So they tend to test other people’s devotion, like “Will you still love me if I do x and y horrific things?”
Remember the old inflatable Bobo doll? It’s no fun when it doesn’t bounce back up after being punched. That’s the whole point.
Good old fashioned sadistic narcissism.
The cycle of abuse wouldn’t be complete without the hoovering and attempt to hijack more of their original target’s social supports and contacts, in this case the OP’s son.
I’ve seen these kinds of dynamics several times before– where various types of perpetrators can’t seem to rest until they’ve basically “inducted” everyone from the victims’ “side” to their own. It’s so predictable that it started to dawn on me that the behavior is probably the original template for cult organization. In any case, the OW here seems to be trying to draft the OP’s son into the FW cult, even dangling (pimping) her own daughter for that purpose.
Why? Dunno but I think it illustrates Velvet Hammer’s point that affairs are three legged stools that fall over when the victim leg is removed. In other words, cheaters seem to require a triangle formation to sustain relationships so therefore fundamentally require victims in order to get their rocks off. This might explain why, when former victims achieve “meh,” it sends abusers into a crisis and they start trying to concoct novel ways to get under victims’ skin again.
For this purpose, hijacking the OP’s son to Team FW might fit the bill, stir the pot and get a rise out of the OP. Maybe because, when you’re a really shitty person, you need the “us against them” dynamic to create a protection racket and distract the people around you from your terrible conduct. It’s sort of like, “Yes, I may suck but the enemy I’ve invented is out to get us so we have to circle the wagons and stick together!” Or it might be the Cluster B/attachment disorder boredom issue where they lose interest in partners unless they perceive someone is competing for that partner, as if demand dictates stock value. That way, if they manage to get a rise out of a former victim, this could be delusionally interpreted as the victim still “caring.” Or it may be that affairs are really about compulsive reenactment of dysfunctional FOO dynamics and the real point of them is to victimize and betray which would explain why side pieces often seem more fixated on chumps than the cheater they’re poaching.
Then again, maybe the exFW in this case was just diagnosed with early stage dementia and the OWife hopes to dump upcoming nursing duties on FW’s progeny.
Whatever the twisted MO, total silence and maintaining NC is probably the best solution.
I must reiterate that these tactics do work on the children. They did on mine.
Yeah, OW got daughter Betty on her side. I thought it was really weird that she offered up Betty as some sort of spokesperson, while flagrantly denying that Betty was in her camp.
Get out, Betty!
Run, Betty, run!
I feel bad for the son. Not just because they are trying to triangulate using him(as step 2 in their wicked master plan is obviously “and now Mom needs to get over the hurt because by the way “we probably need something.”)
I would be far more offended as the son as apparently Schmoopie can only use Google Translate on something that ChatGPT wrote in another language-and clearly under the duress of incoming artillery fire at that.
Like, holy cats was that stilted!
Or they went on Fiverrr and got Neil Breen to write it (if you know, you know.)
The UBT is as ever spot on if they underplayed the actual point here: Fuckwit and Schmoopie clearly need something. I don’t think either of them woke up after 7 years of living with their discomfort over this to a dark night of the soul and THIS. (Was it code? Are they being held hostage by the Decepticons? Nobody talks like that!) I would hope it’s as simple as “they are finally getting married and it would be really cool if everybody could put aside their differences for our special day!”
Sadly it’s probably “well, Big Hairy Dog was duped into buying our bullshit-let’s hope our son can be tricked, too!”
Like, seriously, live with your discomfort. If you were that concerned about how people were going to think about you…you probably should have waited until they were on their own to destroy their family system. People have the right to resent you.
I have to giggle at the “here’s my daughter’s contact info” bit. Schmoopie might as well have just said “do you want to bang your stepsister? That will make you like us again, right? Kids like that these days, I saw it on the PornHubs!”
Feliz Jueves!
🤣 😂
Did you like this one? “My daughter Betty has also offered her ability availability for you.” Huh? She’s able? Available? What?
Agree, no one talks like this.
My ex, her family was trying to hook her up with a cousin in her family because “they’d make a good couple”.
She wasn’t wholly opposed to the idea, it was a different cousin she left me for.
Maybe some similar BS going on with FW and OW there, who knows.
I don’t know what to think anymore.
JW,
The FW and the AP always want something, even if that “thing” is only centrality.
By way of example, when Ex-Mrs LFTT texted me to wish me “Happy Birthday” earlier this year (and I hadn’t had any communication with her in the preceding 6 months), I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t because we are on good terms (because we aren’t) and because she wanted to wish me a “Happy Birthday” …. it was because she wanted me to be thinking about her on my Birthday.
I ignored her message and got back to whatever it was that I was doing before she tried to disturb my peace.
LFTT
It’s kind of like how creepy attorneys like to send nasty paperwork to the opposition on special occasions or schedule unpleasant hearings on kids’ birthdays, Valentine’s Day, etc.
It’s so predictable that even for people forced to keep a line of communication open due to parallel parenting, it might be a good idea to temporary block FWs on special occasions when possible. They can’t dishearten, rattle or destabilize if the message doesn’t get through.
HoaC,
Fair point about “muting” Ex-Mrs LFTT on special occasions, but I think that just ignoring her (she hates being ignored) sends a message all of it’s own.
Furthermore, making the effort to remember to mute her feels like indirectly giving her the centrality she craves.
LFTT
It makes sense that any effort feels like too much effort to someone far enough over the border of “meh.” But for those who are still in range for post-separation abuse missiles and still at risk of being unsettled or losing sleep, blocking might save the day (if not the week, month and year).
“Once a month we go get rock salt for the water softener and we sure could use a young adult to hoist those bags into the hatchback.”
OMG this is genius. I’m still laughing. And of course, true. For these people, everything is transactional, so they want something from the son. Even if it is the virtue signaling of showing how they are working so hard to try make contact (after 7 years!). Or maybe father dearest is feeling his mortality and wants to cement his legacy. The one thing you can be sure of, is it is not about the son, his needs, his feelings, his anything.
After seven years cheaters have little in common with their children. The lack of shared experiences, give them a little to talk about with new friends and others in their lives. Oh, what do they have to say, oh yes, we cheated and our kids no longer respect us any longer. They can wake up one day and realize there’s something missing. Reestablishing contact has nothing to do with wanting a relationship it’s to fulfill their selfish Image management.
Very insightful and true. Neglecting children means few shared experiences. Even within two years I already see what you describe, my kids’ aversion to FW and he’s less than daddy uncle to them now.
Imagine a third party telling you that “you are welcome” to have a relationship with your own parent! In most universes, this is a given. The cheek of her telling him — an adult — that he’s allowed to have any relationship with his dad that he wants.
He is having the relationship he wants — it’s just not what dad or OW want, because it doesn’t look good for them. Rather than address that, she tries to manipulate the son.
Okay, someone please tell me what is “ability availability”? These young kids with their internet computer things – I just can’t keep up.
It’s how the original letter was written. No idea.
I leave all the stupid in.
That’s the most tone deaf crap I’ve read in a while.
Me me it’s all about meeeeee!
Why isn’t dear old Dad writing this letter instead of the side piece? Something is clearly up. My ex’s side piece worked hard to get my kids on board. She almost had my daughter convinced but when my daughter confronted side piece about the family destruction, side piece showed her true colours. My ex showed his true colours too, by taking side piece’s side which is really all about him taking care of himself and NO ONE ELSE. It’s all manipulation.
Both my son and daughter Love Wifetress all these 38 years and will care for both of them, now in their 70’s. I have read my sons cards from this AP woman who married my Ex and they are just like this one above. Begging, sugary, sending my son all this love and affection. My daughter too. It has been a nightmare and they did not figure it out. Or if they did, I don’t know about it. It does not always work out and I don’t believe in Karma as many of you know. But I am at peace without this man and woman in my life at all and they are NO CONTACT for all these years. Me being so cruel and judge mental…. They can have each other and enjoy the children I raised so kindly and considerate of interloppers. My children are kind people, they are also kind to me. But it is what it is,..
They are kind to me.
I’d rather doubt they’ll model their own lives after the actions of cheaters. You’re the role model they’ll look up to.
Mine initially thought I was jealous. Until they threatened her possessiveness. Not a one likes her as she’s controlling of his every movement.
Or is great comfort to hear your thoughts Doing me 1…I often feel I lost to wifetrees as my children went back and forth for 18 years. But so far, they are both loyal to their mates and do not behave like their cheater father. I know my daughter prefers her father buy even in intact families I’ve seen that. Thank you for your kindness too!
The Chump here needs to protect her son. Speaking from second hand experience (ex husband FW was the son to AP turned wife because my FIL is also a narc FW) the forced decade investment/spending time with affair partner stepmother was strained and a waste of precious time.
It all evaporated when he ditched wife tress and moved on to other prey.
Son should not waste his precious youth and energy on this selfish AP whose time in the FW narc harem rotation is probably drawing to a close. It’s a crappy investment
That is an excellent point – a good cautionary tale.
I have to laugh… This bit really jumped out at me, “I have a huge amount of friendship and kindness and availability “. I’d say her “huge” availability has been one of the problems from the jump.
*Facepalm*
Only things missing from OW’s letter were her onlyfans link and her PayPal donation link.
Hilarious!
Wow. Just…wow. I’d say the appropriate response to this is…none. Although since Big Hairy Dog’s son is an adult, that’s up to him.
My situation with respect to my dad’s second and third wives was different. Neither one was an AP during their marriage although he did meet and date #2 after my mom moved out and their divorce was in process. At least, that’s what I was told at the time, and I have no proof otherwise. I warned #2 that he was an alcoholic, and of course, she didn’t believe me. Until, a year after they married, she threw him out of her house (her separate property) and divorced him. I didn’t warn #3, and they also ended up getting divorced a couple of years after the marriage.
Actually, they were both nice people who treated me well. They just didn’t spot the red flags, and really, hasn’t that been true for a lot of us? Me included although, AFAIK, I’ve never been cheated on. But there was other bad behavior from significant others, although none of it was as bad.
My ex is still dragging this out.
And it’s interfering with other things that need to be done at the moment.
I… I think she wanted me to chase her.
But why chase after someone who wrote that she “really liked snuggling with him”( her cousin), “then we showered”, and “he laid down with me and I didn’t know when he laid down or when he got up” (Genesis 33 Lot and his daughters reference. Cute .)
Dear CL, some lamingtons for the UBT….. a terrific job. Had me at sleeper sofa with the bar down the middle…..and at ‘bang maiden’ I nearly snorted my morning coffee. She shal be BM henceforth.
Yes…..the CN hive mind picked it like a nose…it’s all about image management and ‘missing out’…..21st, graduation…..
I have several friends (competent bright women) similarly encumbered by exs in varying stages of departure and resurrection…….the proffered apology seems to be the thing that is supposed to lure us back. Mine told me he would like to deliver one face to face. I said no, put it in writing. Am still waiting (not waiting).
Centrality denied. Hence the letter from Schmoops. My son was not happy that that boundary (no contact with her) had been violated…..his father said…..she’s an adult and I couldn’t stop her sending the letter……..!
I totally expect my son and daughter to receive a letter like this from FWs sidekick.
It’s been 2 years since FW moved out and ‘suddenly’ had a gf.
He gaslights our adult kids about ‘forgiveness and reconciliation’ and ‘relationships’. They are to just forgive ‘so that they can have a relationship’. He doesn’t admit or apologize….or ask if they want a relationship with him.
Esther Perel didn’t give family advice so he doesn’t know how to handle that little detail. He can’t fathom why no one wants to meet this (questionable, dubious) woman with her own two children (also stunned) who makes him so happy.
He constantly tries to arrange to see our adult son or daughter and include her. Both have refused to meet her and therefore don’t see him either since he won’t respect their boundaries. She must be some kind of masterpiece of self-absorption that she expects to be included. Definitely not reading the room. They must be made for each other.
I’m all for a social justice campaign and naming the culprits: cheaters, partner and NPR/MarieClaire/esther/tami, etc.
there are precious victims of this undeniable quest for variety and excitement.