You Want to Date a Chump? Here’s Where to Find Them

About every other day, someone in Chump Nation entreats me to start a chump dating service. Wouldn’t it be awesome if all the broken-hearted over-achievers had their own dating site! How genius would that be? The Cluster Bs did all the vetting for us! Need a hyper-responsible person who will shoulder more than their fair share? And works for minimal kibbles? Date a chump! Sign up today!

Maybe I’m missing a spectacular business opportunity here, but I think a chump dating site is a bad idea. It’d be like one-stop shopping for sociopaths. Ooh… all the chumpy people here in one nice pool… Hmmm... How on earth would I vet your chump bona fides? How do I know you’re a real chump and not a pretend one? (Think of the algorithms! The questionnaires!)

Besides from the fact I think it’s undoable, even if it were doable (and we had a nice sociopath screening method — God, think of the fortune I’d make if I invented that…) I have enough on my plate running a blog.

Don’t despair, however, I do have some suggestions for where to find your fellow chumps.

1.) At a chump meet-up. Yeah, that’s an obvious suggestion, but we have world-wide meet ups. Register on the site (see the Login on the homepage, register, and the magic forums will appear) and you can find a meet-up in your area, or hey, start one. Chump meet-ups aren’t dating sites, but you might make a friend. Expanding your support and friend network is always a good thing.

2.) At support sites, NOT dating sites. I’m not the only blog in town. Want to find a chump? Check out the many other divorce or infidelity support sites online. Get to know the community. Not with the intention to date, but to interact with nice people who want to help you. Who’ll bolster you in scary times, who have a kind word. Be the person who gives a kind word to a newbie. I don’t think I’m alone in saying, that after you’ve been chumped, the kindness of strangers can take your breath away. After the brutal discard, to have someone laugh at your joke, or find you kinda cool is validating. Get your sea legs here. Get used to the idea of being a valued member of a community. Get used to kindness and reciprocity. Online counts! Have a safe place, so the dating world doesn’t look that scary. If nothing else, you’ll have some online peeps you can laugh about your dating travails with.

3.) At volunteer meet-ups. You know where you can find nice giving people? At charities, that’s where. I’m not talking about the super sparkly person holding the trophy at the awards ceremony — no, you want the lady there setting up the folding chairs or the guy who’s running out for ice. You know, the people doing the actual WORK. Pro bono centers, churches, soup kitchens, neighborhood clean-ups, tree-planting ceremonies. Chumps are civic minded.

I recently had the honor of interviewing Dennis Archer (former Detroit mayor), he said if you want something in life, you have to “cast your bread upon the waters” and it will come back to you. Throw those breadcrumbs, chumps.

4.) Where you are your best self. I don’t know where that is, but you do. Maybe it’s renaissance festivals, or symphonic choirs, or ham radio meet-ups. Find your tribe. Wherever you’re doing the things that make you happy, you’ll be meeting people who seek out the same happy as you. It’s a start. And confidence looks good on you.

So maybe you do all these things and no one recognizes your awesomeness. Maybe you’re the last person picked for kickball. (Raising my hand here.) Maybe you’re a cyclops and totally undatable. Well, consider that if you do these things you’ll a) make friends, b) help people, c) give back to your community, and d) enjoy being your best self.

Which is still a bazillion times better than one hot minute with a cheater.

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Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks Tracy!

I was thinking that divorcees will say “Im divorced.” I want to know why.

Did you engage in adultery? Did you use pornography? Did you use webcams? Did you seek out strangers for sex on the internet? Did you screw your wife over behind her back? A dirt bag would never answer these questions honestly. Almost certainly – they would blame the betrayed spouse/partner.

Thanks to Chump Lady…and other resources, I know a red flag when I see it. And….I don’t brush it aside!

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I agree CL. A chump dating sight is dysfunctionals’ nirvana. Everybody likes a good person…Even wicked people. We are catnip.
There actually was a chump site that was a spin off from the cheater TV show. Don’t think it did well for the reason CL mentioned. It’s just too attractive a market for these sickos.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Dating a fellow Chump doesn’t guarantee anything.

Luckily, I waited until I was emotionally sound to seriously start dating.

Happened across a lovely guy, we learned about being chumps over the next couple of dates and just as I was starting to think maybe, he tells me that he had been seeing a former girlfriend and wanted to get back with her.

I guess it took being intimate with both of us simultaneously to decide he wanted back with her.

He chose the day after the election to tell me this (why not add more to an already emotional day?).

Perhaps being a fellow Chump made him come clean? But that would be scraping the bottom of the barrel to give him points!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

My ex was chumped by his first two girlfriend, went on to chump me!

Enraged
Enraged
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Oh, and you believed him!

I don’t know, I’ve been buried so to speak before I met my now XH. I thought I met all ranges of narcs, sociopaths and psychos.
Now I live with my toxic mother and I have no idea what more lessons are to learn from this.
She opens her mouth and is always something negative. Doesn’t matter about whom or what. If there is nothing bad to say, she’ll fabricate it. Lies, lies and more lies.

My point is that we don’t know the whole truth. We take for granted what people tell us.
Toxic people lie, like my mother does:
1. to make themselves look good by putting someone else down
2. to appear as victims
We must really pay attention in order to see straight.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Enraged

Enraged, before I married X. I thought I finally met someone of who was sincere, shared my family values, had integrity, was conscientious, and trustworthy.
He portrayed himself as sensitive, caring and empathetic all traits I admired and felt relieved that I had finally found this perfect man.
Over the years these traits and the considerate person I thought I married disappeared while an arrogant, condescending, wicked ass took his place. I chose to make excuses for his behavior thinking it was temporary and only a rough exterior, or he was under stress. I believed the person I married was in there and that he’d come back once he was less stressed.
This is when I began the pick me dancing which was humiliating. eventually I blamed myself for his shitty behavior and began stepping up the pick me dance, kibble, kibble? please another kibble.
In reality he was always a jerk and I was conned into thinking I had married John Boy from the Little House on the Prarie when in reality I married Satan from the Bible.
Posts such as yours with a list of what to look for I write in my journal and if the day ever comes when I meet someone I’m interested in I will use as reference as to will they stay or will they go.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Yes Chumptitude~ they are good at hiding who they are- until the trap door closes on the chump. Once the chump falls in love with them and makes a commitment- the fun starts. The narcissist and the chump begin the “devil’s waltz”- until the chump figures it out and boots the narcissist. Luckier chumps spot the crazy dance with the narcissist early on- and promptly remove themselves from it.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I could have written your comment brit… I continually adapted to put his professional success and our family life first, trying harder every time he was “stressed” at work…

Finding proof of his affair was a painful way to realize that I was “beyond reasonable doubt” married to a cheating lying coward… Yep I was thoroughly duped for over a decade, but thanks to NC, and an iron-clad custody agreement, I’m building my next chapter and our kiddo is starting to see right through his image management routine.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

The word “coward” jumped off the screen. Pervy Pants only voyeured women with no strong males around to defend/protect them.

He would never voyeur a woman with a Navy Seal/Army Ranger husband with PTSD.

After he was caught red handed- he ran and hid in the church. Talk about a coward!

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Enraged

I know his first to girlfriends cheated on him as I knew of him then as we ran in the same pack. He is a reformed drinkers and imo swapped alcohol for affairs and his iphone which he is most certainly addicted to.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

If you two were just dating, I would consider that just one of the normal painful realities of life. Unless you had explicitly agreed to be monogamous, there’s nothing wrong with what he did.

Our goal is to avoid being clumped by a narc or sociopath again. Unfortunately that doesn’t protect us from normal relationship let-downs.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Having worked in OB-GYN I have seen my share of venereal warts, STDs and other nasty critters. For me, it’s either monogamy – or no one! One place I worked had a literal trail of VD- stemming from one person who was banging half the town. No thanks.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I think the honorable thing to do is say that a person does NOT want to be exclusive before sleeping with someone. But perhaps I’m just an anachronism (which is why I’ve stayed out of the dating pool).

Polytastic
Polytastic
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

From what I understand dating multiple people at once used to be common back in the day as well. It was the difference between “dating” and “going steady.” It’s certainly not wrong to want to date one person at a time and have that person do the same, but perhaps it might serve you to make this preference explicitly known early on, like on the second or third date if you want to continue. Assuming a person you are just getting to know has the same dating style or compatible values is a bit unrealistic.

Theres a reason you are getting to know this person, but you don’t know them yet. Things
Ike dating styles are red flags for abusiv people as much as they are for being incompatible at that point.

Amehzing1836
Amehzing1836
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I agree Tempest, back in my day when someone asked you out it was because they were free and single, none of this non exclusive bs. Now I’ve ticked being dropped by text off my bucket list, looking forward to all the great things dating this century brings ??

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My philosophy is that people with similar values recognize it when they see it. The only useful question for me is whether the thing is ok with me. Doesn’t really matter if anyone else thinks it is ok. If it isn’t ok with me, then that person doesn’t get to stay in a relationship with me.

It’s so easy to say “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think it was a big deal.”, but the reality is that if a person deliberately leaves a detail out that might have worried you had they included it, it’s clearly a big deal – big enough to hide it, at least. That’s one of my deal breakers. Each person gets to choose his/her own.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

If satan had presented as he really is the first time I met him…there wouldn’t have been a second date. Theft of 36 years of my life by deception.

Chump Change
Chump Change
6 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

This! Exactly my story but 38 years.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

…ugh, huh Chump Change! Took me a long time to forgive myself for buying into his fake persona…

Thank goodness we are FREE of that hell on earth!

🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yep, and slowly is truly the key. People who understand things like boundaries and the significance of commitment and trust move slowly, even in friendship. This has been a huge learning process for me.

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago

You’re encouraging people to let go of the feather and realize they had the ability to fly the whole time.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago

Nice.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

I’ve been getting myself out there, getting involved in faith organizations, and find it very fulfilling. (I’m not at all interested in dating, however.)

Now that I can identify narcissists, however, I identify narcissists. And it’s not only in romantic relationships that the self-centered pretenders show up. They’re on the administrative board, or that task force, or committee. The people who are charismatic, flattering, say the right words, do the wrong things (usually nothing, they are lazy) or push their agenda while they stab you in the back. How to deal?!

I figure that in a group of 100 people, there will be 1 or 2 pretenders, people who are not straight-forward, who rage when they don’t get their way, must be the center of attention, and lack empathy, as well as they above endearing qualities (charismatic, flattering, say the right words, do whatever the hell they want, push their agenda, stab you in the back).

Enraged
Enraged
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

There is a documentary on this topic: headfish.
Also a book: Snakes in suits. Yep, I can see them too.
What can you do? Document, document.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

I would have said one or two in a group of ten, and they are usually high-ranking in the group politically. 🙂

Arnold
Arnold
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

The stats on NPDs and other cluster B’s seem to be on the low side vs reality. I think it is much more prevalent than 2%.
I believe this is for a number of reasons:
1) They avoid a diagnosis by never being treated.
2) Those that are treated are not Diagnosed intentionally , as the therapists want to avoid stigmatizing them and want to continue to get paid, as insurance may not cover treatment of an intractable condition.
3) they are just hard to diagnose as they mask themselves in therapy.
I would say about 5-10% is right.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

One study estimated 10%, which I think is closer to the truth.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I try hard not to use my narrow scope of experience to assess the number of Cluster Bs in the world … (it would be more like 50%). 🙂

So, strictly from the data I’ve seen, I think the 10% stat is about right.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

^^^
10% is more accurate, actually I’m in agreement with JessMom leaning more towards the 50%.

Cluster B’s are imposters and pathological liars, I wouldn’t expect them to answer a survey honestly or be truthful in therapy.
Everything they do and say is well thought out and manipulative.
It would be exhausting for me being a Chump to always be thinking on the defensive, scheming, carefully choosing my words and always out to win no matter what the cost.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Hey Brit — the part you write about always having to carefully choose their words, have you scene this recent study about cussing? Shows that people who say a few four-letter words now and then are considered more trustworthy. Evidently, unlike cheaters, they aren’t constantly self-monitoring their words, and sometimes let loose a peppery word.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

cont. Problems in a relationship are never their fault, if they’re caught cheating it’s ultimately something their spouse did or didn’t do. They were the victim and suffered in silence for years married to a spouse with a mental illness, any lame ass excuse they can come up with drove them to seek friendship “affection” and understanding elsewhere.
Much like Chameleons change color, they change personalities, depending on the audience and what they need from them.
Manipulative.,
The only thing we know for certain is they suck,

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I agree, I think it’s a lot closer to 10-15%. There seems to be people on this spectrum everywhere, although a good number of them seem to have a mild form of the disorder. Everywhere I go I come across people who generate a little disruption constantly, the office gossips types who are always trying to get you on side against various people to prop themselves up are everywhere.
Also I am wary of the volunteer types now. The worst self-entitled arseholes I’ve met in my life were involved in that. And since I’ve done a lot of volunteering I seem to run across them more than people who stick to paid work.
The traitor was also one of those, he practically had no paid work when we met but was involved in 4-5 community groups. And yes, he was the one lugging the gear with a cheerful smile too. But he was also on every committee…
Before him I was in another org where I gave hundreds of hours of work over 2 years before I realised that only 2 or 3 people “at the helm” really kept the benefits and accumulated privileges for themselves, and had everyone running around at their whim. So the ratio was about 25 chumps giving their time and sweat to 2-3 keeping most of the benefits. And I think only 1 or 2 slowly realised what was going on. When I did I left in disgust.
So be careful and have your Cluster B radar working everywhere you go!

JeanM
JeanM
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

kc, this is quite familiar to me.
I initially started to volunteer for my company, right after the discard. Jeez I met a few “clicks”, they can shove there shine up their asses. See ya! Not ne nor of me..

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
6 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

I think the world is full of a lot more assholes than people think even without being a diagnosable personality. There are plenty of people without pathologies that you just wouldn’t want to be with romantically, doesn’t have to mean they are actual sociopaths. ? ?

Arnold
Arnold
6 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Possibly, but I think if they are acting as assholes, they ,probably do have a pathology. Seems to me that assholes are self centered and lack empathy. That is why they act as they do, and those seem to be major criteria for having a PD.
I mean if someone is rude and obnoxious and uncaring etc. such that he or she is an asshole, and they are doing this regularly, I think that person has a PD.

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

I had a self-centered, lacking empathy gf that carefully hid her true personality. She was a love bomber that swept me off my chumpy feet. Lots of “love you forever” talk that kept me anesthetized until D-Day.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

+1!!!

marci
marci
6 years ago

I met my fellow chump on a long airplane ride. Turned out we were headed for the same destination. At the end, he asked if I would like to meet up for a drink in a specific location a few days later. We ended up sharing some casual travel experiences in the following weeks, had a long distance relationship for the next four years (once a month visits, an hour’s plane ride away). While that was slow torture, it allowed us to observe each other for a long time before we finally agreed to co-habitate where he lived.

I kept my old house for a year as an escape just in case things didn’t work. So, after about five years, we are finally together. Trying to merge adult step kids etc, but we seem to share similar moral ideas and enjoy each other’s company. He had his soul torn out by the cheating ex, i was the subject of attempted murder by mine. We are both quite boring people really, but we have found a life we enjoy, near the ocean, only an hour’s flight from continental Europe. I feel as though things are good. I always keep a Plan B in mind though in case red flags start flying again.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  marci

It sounds like you’ve finally found some peace and TLC!
All I wanted from my relationship was to be like Marge and Norm in Fargo. Quite boring sounds so lovely!

Marci
Marci
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Yes, kiwichump, sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone too boring, but then, I look at him and feel gratitude for my unassuming companion who would give me his last dime if I needed it. He works hard, loves his family, has some interests…not on the same intellectual level as me, perhaps, but intelligent in his own way.

I feel as though this arrangement will be fine as long as we live. I wish the same for all of you on CN. Just make sure you keep a big portion of self-love going, and cultivate that love.

Morse
Morse
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

One of my favourite movies kiwichump, I think Marge and Norm are great!!!

Jmurman
Jmurman
6 years ago

I came to CN to find help thru this shit storm of a cheating divorce. In the back if my mind I always hoped and prayed that I could find love again. What I found was that I have a new life to live. In the process I’m making new friends and maybe one of then will be more than a friend. Won;t know that for a while, you know.

In the meantime I’ll make new friends and cycle will repeat.

Sweet Redemption
Sweet Redemption
6 years ago
Reply to  Jmurman

Same here Jmurman. I’m focusing on enjoying my time being single. I’ve joined a couple of meet-up groups and even started taking ukulele lessons. Mainly, I’m expanding my circle of friends and if I meet someone, great! and if I don’t, no worries. I’m living and loving my life and appreciating everything that comes with it.

Stacy
Stacy
6 years ago

I have been a member of a few different divorce fb pages. You are absolutely correct. The support on those pages is incredible. It just makes you feel not so alone, stupid, unloveable…Just as wonderful is the feeling of offering support to someone who is where you were 2 years ago.

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  Stacy

This! I volunteer at my church now once a week for a divorce support group for this reason. It gives purpose to the pain. I love being able to say ‘Look, I know you think the pain of this will kill you, but it won’t. Please trust me. Here’s what 3 years down the road feels like.’

And whenever I tell my story there, everyone always feels better by comparison…because usually no one has a story as messed up as mine! Oh, the joy of standing out for the wrong reasons. 🙂

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Stacy

I had a strange experience on a divorce support page last year. I started talking to a guy whose wife had just left him after confessing she had started an affair with her best female friend and decided that she had found herself, after 15 years of marriage and 2 children…We texted and emailed and supported each other for about 3-4 months, no hint of anything romantic, both fresh in the shit storm anyway. Then he just stopped answering out of the blue. I texted a couple more times to ask if he was ok or if I had done something to offend him. Nothing. So I just emailed to thank him for the support he had given me before, which had truly helped, and to say if I didn’t hear back I wouldn’t contact him again but wished him well. Never heard a peep after that. A few months later I found out he had become FB friends with the Whore’s crazy sister about a month after I last heard from him. A bit of digging and it turned out the wife works with the Whore’s sister. Small world New Zealand even though he and the Whore’s sister live at the other end of the country. So I guess I can figure out what happened…I would have thought a chump would stick by another chump. Guess he chose the Hopium and wifey and her supporters hoovered him in.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Wow small world. Yeah you think he would get it, but evidently some chumps don’t learn much from their mistakes.

I had my own small world encounter. I was confiding in one of the other cubscout moms about Schmoopie 2.0. Found out later she was Schmoopie 1.0 (oops). On the other hand, there might be a bit of Karma in having her find out about Schmoopie 2.0 from me.

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago

That’s the kindest and wisest article I’ve ever read about meeting fellow chumps (with or without the end-result of a relationship), thanks CL! Chumphood is like an international secret society – I was so comforted early on by people (like teachers and fellow school parents) who had heard that my ex had walked out on us, and quietly came up to me to let me know they went through the same years earlier, and that I’d get through OK. I try to do the same when I realise it’s happened to someone else, it was such a huge comfort to know you weren’t alone.

Beetle
Beetle
6 years ago

I’m still too scared to date. My X really did a number on me on the discard period. I see visions of him when I think about dating and having someone else like him. I have been looking at guys and imagining them, what they are like and all.
I know this was part of his plan to crush me completely.
But I still believe in love and good guys. Cast your bread upon the waters and it will come back to you. I love that! Thanks for the get up and go quote.
I know my X can’t hurt me anymore. I’m in a safe place and deep down I know I’d take things slow and listen this time and see. I wouldn’t let something that bothered me slide and haunt me as it did my 26 year marriage. 3 years out and still learning to let go and live.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

Beetle, your thoughts are common with us chumps. I’m 2 days away from the split with the X and 1 year past divorce. After a 29 year relationship, almost 24 married. I’m stepping out and giving it another chance. It took me a long time to decide I would try another relationship, but like others I want a partner. As advised here, I can and will make it without one. I also continue to build a life that I like. If I find someone to complement it, that’s just an added bonus. Good luck on your journey!

Beetle
Beetle
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Lostntx, I agree with you. I just need to stop using him as an excuse not to live. I’m happy in a different way and I have grown. This texting stuff just freaks me out. Side baits all over the place. That’s what I mostly fear.
I hope you having a Happy dating life!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

When I was 19, I was dating a number of fellows and one of them was SO NICE. Why is it when we are young we dismiss the nice ones? Oh anyone I fall in love with will surely be NICE, she says to herself (smack me, please). Nice guy lived a plane ride away so I set him in the “friend zone” and dated fascinating dark brooding bad-boy who I married.

Nice guy actually came to our wedding. Fast forward 26 years of cheating and abuse, brooding bad boy dies. I cant find nice guy online since he does counter-intel and flies under the radar. He was not the divorcing kind anyhoo (as if that were a thing) he probs is still married and coaches soccer.

My dad, who honestly hasn’t had a good idea in 30 years (bless his heart) used secret squirrel methods of finding nice guy and succeeded. He was long-ago-divorced and lived 40 miles away on a street with the same name as my street. He didnt describe himself as a chump, but his story was very chumpy.

And they lived happily ever after.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

// , I think we all know, deep down, why they “dismiss the nice ones”.
There are biological reasons that young women tend toward men with so called “Dark Triad” traits. Perhaps yours can act as a cautionary tale for the younger generation.

I’m glad to read that it had a calm ending.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I am so happy for you! What a beautiful new beginning/ending love story. It brought tears to my eyes. And HOPE. Just a little bit of hope for the rest of us. thank you for sharing.

Sweet Redemption
Sweet Redemption
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

What a great story – love it!!

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Awww That’s a beautiful story! So happy for you!

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Word. I love that!!!! Happy for you!

Roaring
Roaring
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I love this story! Thank you!

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

UNM that is awesome! I’m so happy for you! I know your story but didn’t know about the new partner until recently. We all deserve an awesome last chapter and it’s encouraging when one of us gets to start writing one.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

unicornomore,
You write a beautiful love story!
The best part is,that it is true.
You deserve such a happy ending!?

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
6 years ago

I too have met fellow chumps and I have had interest shown in me by men. Nice men who have let me know they are interested but aren’t pushing it, and neither am I. I have met them through a Meet-up group, a social one, not a singles one.
One of the more difficult things I have done is knock someone back because they worked away and I want someone local. My ex worked away a lot and I want a different romantic experience. I am flattered by the attention but very willing to take it slowly and let life unfold. And what an awesome life it is.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Hurting someone is hard for chumps. Even someone you don’t really know. Just remember that in the long run, it is best for all involved. It’s ok to have our requirements this time. I have them and i’m not going to compromise them. I won’t do a long distance relationship and that’s just how it is. I know why and it is important to me. You have met people and that should be our goal. If you find someone doing it, that’s just icing!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

The truth is you never know where you will find someone.
Exhibit A: AllOutofKibble found love in a PTSD support group. It was certainly the last place I was looking because it was the safest space I had to cry ugly, validate my anger and show up with zero make up in a pair of jeans and a comfy T. I was not my “best self” that’s for sure.

Go live your life, meet people, and if someone seems interesting ask questions, maybe even “would you like to get a coffee?”

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

But you WERE your best self: authentic, courageous. If someone’s definition of my best self involves make-up and good hair, then they don’t really know me at all.

Morse
Morse
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

^^^ Yes EXACTLY!

Kar marie
Kar marie
6 years ago

I cant speak for anyone but myself my heart and soul ate still bruised but healing. Ive moved hours away from the pain place, have a little house, my dog babies and a part time job. Took three and a half years to get here. If im content that makes me happy. Ive no desire to date at all i have trust issues. I grow very weary being told im wasting myself not being coupled up and the fact i refuse to date troubles some. Its my choice for the first time ever i decide, me alone. Perhaps in the future i may change my mind but i doubt it. I hope everyone who wants to find love with a partner again does and with a great person but its not for me im done ive too much healing to do yet still rediscovering myself. Im fine how i am, sure it gets lonely sometimes but for me its not worth taking the chance. I know these persons mean well but its my choice and they dont seem to want to accept it. I will remain single and be damn happy at it! Love you guys!!!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Some people just don’t understand that you can be single and fine or that you are just not ready and you know within yourself you wouldn’t even be a good date anyway, to much fear, pain, trust issues. You just want some space. I have a younger neighbour who, within a week of hearing about the split, was trying to set me up with his new partner’s widowed uncle. And he keeps trying!

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

It’s like those people who can’t accept that everyone doesn’t want kids. If your life choices aren’t hurtful to others or yourself what is the problem. I’m with you. Not another man. I’m going to see my children off and have fun along the way!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

Be careful.
I started dating a great guy about a year and a half ago. He’s sweet, attentive, we listen to each other, laugh like crazy and love eachother very much.
Problem? His mom lives with him. She’s 70 and has issues with chronic pain, takes excessive narcotics for that pain, and has depression. He sees me a couple evenings a week and when he’s here he’s texting to check on her, or she’s texting to just be in communication with him. She’s a shut in, has no friends, only him. He’s home with her like 5 nights a week. The whole thing is very strange….. the other night when he was here she texted him just to say good night. It was “Ni Ni…❤️❤️.” I wish I was making this up.
It kind of makes me think my picker isn’t fixed because I feel like I’m in a new triangle, with his mom.
I kind of feel like an idiot for even allowing myself to get involved, but when I met him I didn’t really understand what the deal was and I wasn’t looking for anything super serious. Now we love eachother and he feels like he can’t leave her…..I’m the mistress. If I put my foot down I seem like a mom hater, even though it’s clear to everybody but him that she’s a master manipulator.So fucked up.
To all those thinking of dating, just know that screwed up relationships come in many forms.
As much as I love him, for me I think I need to walk away. I’m too damaged already to battle for a normal relationship and this isn’t for me.
I’m learning that there’s more than one way to mess with a chump.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

He’s not available for a relationship. You can “love” him and not date him. I’m 65 and doing fine without an adult son in the house 24/7. I knew a guy who was smart and had a tenure track position but left it to move home with his mother, who lived another 20 years and vetoed yet another job a few years before she passed. One of the steps into adulthood is individuation, being a person outside of your mother. So sorry, PaintWidow, but I think you’re right.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I think your example, along with those of other respondents, is an example of a different sort of relationship which just doesn’t work. You must choose your own boundaries, whatever they are. I, personally, would be creeped out by someone in such a dysfunctional relationship with their parent or child or dog. — Having said that, *I* have dysfunctional relationship with my dogs. Their needs are very important to me, and I won’t travel or work or even go out for the evening if I am concerned about their health or welfare. And if someone came to me and said, “Hey, NWB, you are one hot smokin’ mama [I am], but this thing with your dogs is intolerable to me,” then it’s better off for both of us if we go our separate ways — I’M not gonna change, and I don’t want HIM to feel HE has to change, either.

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I have a blind, elderly, previously abused, beagle. I’m still working on my boundaries but one that has never been a problem for me is the ‘must be appropriate with pets and service people’. My asshole detector works well for that at least.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Cosmo has earned his place in my heart and will never be replaced by another. Fortunately, there is plenty of room in my heart for more animals of all sorts, including humans!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Mine, too, DC — I remember reading a short story by Cynthia Heimel in her first book, and there’s a bit about the husband character singing songs to the dog while strumming on his guitar while she’s fixing them all dinner. And I thought, That right there is my dream guy — sings songs to dogs. I do that ALL the time, including changing all the words of “Sounds of Silence” to “Sounds of Huskies” — it works. Try it.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

🙂

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

My oldest dog sings songs with me, our favourite is Bohemian Rhapsody, great to howl along to. Oohoohooh, I don’t wanna die, sometimes I wish I’d never been born at all… try it with a howling dog when you’re feeling down! You’ll soon feel better.
Any prospective date will have to put up with 7 spoilt dogs, a spoilt cat, clingy pet lambs, a big boar, 2 goats and 2 chooks, some ex-pet lambs now smelly old rams, one famous old whether whose picture hangs in a restaurant in Japan, and the knowledge that 1500 ewes and their lambs come first. Tough bikkies.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I think I love you. 😉

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Me too Tempest and NWBiblio 🙂

Beau’s welfare comes first. He too was abused, he’s a rescue.

Beau gives me more love and affection and loyalty than satan ever did also. PLUS he is a Monster Slayer 🙂 (and he eats spiders 🙂 )

Yes, anyone that doesn’t like it can bite me 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Raises hand; I’m in a dysfunctional relationship with my dogs, too. They eat better than some of my students (yup, little bits of rotisserie chicken on top of their premium dog food). I walk them even when I have work that should be done. One of them had a very sad puppyhood and has aggression issues. But all of them give me more love, affection, and loyalty than Hannibal ever did. If having 4 dogs limits my chance for a relationship, so be it. I will never attempt on-line dating, but if I had a profile, it would start with “must love dogs.”

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Four dogs Tempest? Pshaw, that’s nuthin’! I have SIX large, uncouth, shedding, hamper-raiding-find-my-underwear-in-the-yard dogs and I wouldn’t trade one of them for a human partner. I do have an online dating profile and I list some deal breakers: if you don’t love dogs, books and monogamy and if you hate the Buckeyes, keep on moving. 🙂

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I am the same way about my two cats. Oh, but I had my beloved dog when I met XH and he even tried to con and love-bomb my dog while we were dating and it did seem like my dog liked him. But my loving, loyal dog started to turn on him too after we married and he saw that XH treated me like shit. My dog passed away last year after I got rid of XH and I losing my dog was a million times more painful than losing XH.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Uh…my dog is very important to me. I don’t leave her at home more than a few hours at a time. She goes to work with me. She’s the most faithful, loving and supportive partner I’ve ever had. LOL.

happily ever after
happily ever after
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hi! My name is Happily Ever After and I have a dysfunctional relationship with my cat and dog. I am in the second house which I will have to replace all the non-hard surface floors because they pee on them. I have this belief that the cat is “perfect” — he isn’t. I have a spackling problem.

There is no hope for me.

But oh how they snuggle just at the right time…..

Aletheia
Aletheia
6 years ago

I am looking at a hard flooring to replace carpets as well. 20+ years of puppies to very senior dogs has done a number (ha ha!) on my carpets. Also raised a couple kids here, so there is some spilled juice, crumbs and God knows what else! And then the cats! I have one that will eat dust bunnies and dryer lint (If I’m not careful) so she is like a self-perpetuating hairball machine. But you know, they can’t cough up a hairball on an empty stomach. STBX hated my pets.

I might be dateless forever, ha ha! Maybe a long distance romance where I do all the travel and they never see how I live…

My ad would read: must love dogs, cats, kids, hamsters, and people who do a half-assed job of cleaning up after them. Might potentially need to love indoor birds, turtles or frogs. And ducks, bunnies and neighborhood cats in the yard because I feed them.

Yep! Dateless forever is me. bummer.

Pammy
Pammy
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Reddit has a sub: justnoMIL, it’s full of stories about narcissist MILs without boundaries and their hapless DILs. Go and lurk for a while, even I’ve posted there!! These MILs are crazy!!

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I agree. Run for the hills. You deserve to be first and he should know that. He shouldn’t be dating at all or fix his situation with his mom.

I dated a guy for a short time who’s father, a retired doctor, lived with him. Needless to say, his father was arrogant and entitled. He lived with the guy (also a chump) because he was the single one. Lord, I couldn’t handle that. Hell no. He expected Chump to be accommodating to what he made plans to do. He needed a “date” for all his extra curricular activities….even though he has his daughter 50% of the time and was very involved. Crazy.

I went on date #2 with a guy where he admitted he lived with his mom, not the other way around. Major turn off but also the fact that he lied to me during our texting/emailing and then finally told me the truth. I’ve had enough lying to last me a life time.

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

That’s a tough one, but I’d tend to agree based on your description that this is something HE needs to fix if he has his priorities straight, or else you need to move on.
Be kind and loving, but really honest. You never know. Maybe he will find a way to put the right boundries in place with his mom. You deserve that.

heissobroken
heissobroken
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I had one of those. It’s a terrible situation to be in. It felt like I was dating his father. Pretty much same dynamic except the father wasn’t shut it but boy was he the king of guilt trips. He expected his son to be home to feed him but would drive to a fast food joint and buy his picky dog a hamburgee because that’s all the dog would eat.

If son was away for the weekend the dad would text repeatedly and my Boyfriend was constantly calling his dad to see if he had eaten . . . And of course he hadn’t just to add to the guilt of boyfriend being home. It was terrible. Lol! Grown ass man can’t feed himself. Shaking my head.

I realized after 10 months I just couldn’t do it. Codependency comes in so many messed up forms. My picker was definitely broken.

Beetle
Beetle
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Run for the hills. That’s what was a big thing in my marriage the invasive mother. It gets worse. I believe deep down these mamas boys hate women. When she died he took his inheritance and divorced me in what I thought would be our golden years. Meanest guys you could ever meet. Just go. Wish I hadn’t wasted my life with him. MIL was a busy body the whole time. To think I had a nice guy I wanted to date for a long time asked me out and I turned him down for the loser I married. Oh if I could go back and change things.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago

Well – I am going back to the beginning to fix my picker. Again?

Dated a man who I believed to be a chump. Wife left him ( for a highschool crush ) and took the kids. Nasty divorce – but he had been single for the last few years.

His teenaged kids are great and get along with my teenaged kids ( not an easy thing to achieve).

Long story short – he convinced me that moving into his lovely century country property would be a fantastic idea.
I kept my rented house for another 6 months and then made the leap.

I moved in while he was working away for two months. I loved it!

Two weeks back he is acting like a giant entitled ass. He is drinking more than I had seen before and one afternoon after getting into a disagreement he punches me twice – hard in the head while I am in the car. Afterwards he swung the door own and ordered me to get out. Middle of now where too….

He has turned it around – I made him do it. If it happens again – I am out.
Thank you for showing me your true colours.

I am trapped at the moment – just starting my own business – but looking around in the area for something I can afford.

Luckily I was married to crazy – so I have loads of experience in acting like nothing is wrong.

All I am saying is that just because somebody was “chumped”it doesn’t mean that they are s good human being.

From now on I am only looking out for myself and if a great guy comes along – I would welcome the chance to get to know him. But I will no longer date.

I ended up with a concussion and bruises to my shoulders and neck where he pinned me to the car seat .
Next time it could be a bullet. Who knows. I sure did not expect that!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky….your “picker” is broke, busted- kaputz! Get away from the slime bag! Work on you only. Living in fear turmoil does not allow for working on yourself- because you are too busy trying to survive.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

I’d be terrified to be dependent on anyone. When I was unable to work because my kids were babies- that’s when the pervert really starting acting up.

Please friend……get yourself free. Run….and don’t look back. When they have you trapped/dependent on them- all hell breaks loose.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

I know it’s not the most fun idea… Shelter, maybe? At least keep the idea in your pocket.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I used a women’s shelter after my marriage imploded. Such wondetful, kind people!!!

If I need to I know that it’s an option.
I will not hesitate to go if I feel uncomfortable in any way.

Thank you everyone for your kind words xoxo

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

You should be out NOW. He punched you in the head. Game over.

P
P
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

RUN honey, RUN!!!

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

I am so sorry for your plight Lucky.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

OMG LUCKY!!! 🙁

GET OUT OF THERE!

I agree with everyone else. Get out of there now and file charges and get a protection order! Play hardball with this idiot. He must have done this before and gotten away with it…seems pretty comfortable doing it to you. Save yourself and others that may come after you. Get yourself somewhere safe and file charges on him.

I just read a true story about a woman who was beaten by her husband, divorced him and moved on with her life. Three years later she was found beaten and barely alive in a trash can in a storage unit. Her x was charged and is in prison…but she suffered and almost died. GET OUT of there immediately and file when you are safe for a protection order.

These people need to be stopped!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

That article is very chilling!

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Holy shit, what a horrific story. I’m glad she survived.
I agree. There must be a way to stop this type of person.

Hazel H.
Hazel H.
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

It will happen again. Only next time, he might pick up a shovel and brain you or knock out all your teeth. Or maybe beat your teen agers.

I am not being ugly, but you sound like you are minimizing his behavior to an alarming degree. He beat you. Game over.

Even if you have to perch in a Red Roof Inn, flee for you and your children’s safety. Your lives are more important than money or a new business.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  Hazel H.

I agree with Hazel H, once someone ever hits you or gets physical in any way, pushing, shoving, hair pulling , whatever the relationship needs to end immediately. He thinks he has you trapped, that is how he was all along but he was hiding it. Please trust us on this one, I’ve been there and done that. It will never get better, only worse.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I just rented a storage unit. Going to quietly move totes and boxes when I can.
My oldest does not live with me and my youngest is staying with Dad for now ( he knows ).

I have a place that I am interested in and am waiting to hear back from the landlord. But there is little for rent in this area.

For now I am all smiles and focusing on my career. Until I can walk. And I agree about the further chances for abuse. Been there done that – no more!!!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Yes, take care, Lucky. And please urge the landlord to give you priority. And let us know how it goes. Prayers for you and the kids.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Oh Lucky…flee as soon as you can!! Im so sorry you are in this mess. Suckfest.

Me and Lucky are friends from another board from way back, she is a good egg.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Thanks – of course I remember you too Unicorn!!!!

I will keep you guys posted. Am going to start moving stuff into storage and also not afraid to walk away from “stuff”. I have done it before and it isn’t important.

I have an offer in on a small trailer on the lake. Me and my little sail boat, kids and dog would love to live there.

Keep your fingers crossed for me guys!

cupcake
cupcake
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Good. If I may add, him thinking he is rejecting you is just dandy. Preserving his fragile ego injury is good for your safety. Cold Grey Boring Oatmeal on out of there!!

Marci
Marci
6 years ago
Reply to  cupcake

Lucky
When the time to move comes, just evaporate wuth no confrontation. You cannot afford to enrage this man again. I too did a slow plan to plan my move away from my first cheater and just left when the opportunity arose. I left things behind, but the best strategy was No Contact, ever, once you go.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Yay, Lucky. Take care !

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

“If it happens again – I am out.” What? You need to get out NOW. And file charges. Don’t give him a second chance to do that to you. File the charges so he’ll think twice about hitting another woman.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  conniered

No – he said if it happens again I am out.

I am done. I have no where to go. No friends or family here ( relocated for X husband’s career right before BD ).

I am just looking for a rental or inexpensive purchase in the area.
I just commited to buying out an existing business in my field – of course – in this area and am stuck.

So, I am
Lining up my ducks. I am out the moment I can get away safely.

Until then I am detached and out of the house as much as possible.

I don’t believe in second chances any more!!!!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky, he’s an expert manipulator, you can guess why wife left him (escaped!). He tricked you and this was a truly violent attack. You need to get out and report this so he is ordered to stay away from you. I even wonder if you could get out of this business deal if you explain the situation, so you can move away from this monster. What kind of local reputation does this man have anyway? If he’s grown up there, he must have done something nasty to a number of people and you may find more support than you expect. Put your safety first.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky–your situation worries me. Is it possible to find out if there are chumps in your area where you could stay for a week or two until you can get your feet back on the ground? And/or someone to help you back up the truck one day & get all your stuff out?

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Holy Cow Lucky, I am so sorry. That sounded scary as hell and I was worried for you. Be safe. I still hope you consider filing charges…..

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky, I am glad you are going to get out of there ASAP!!! I also do not believe in second chances anymore. If they do something unacceptable and you give them a second chance, in their minds, they think you love them so much that you will put up with it and, in my experience, they usually end up continuing the behavior or even ramp it up and get worse.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago

This is great advice. I found it amazingly surreal to go out, try new things, meet new people and found out how many of us are out there. And I’m talking people who are cream of the crop, give you the shirt off their back, help you out and teach you, and make you laugh!

I have stumbled across Chumps at:
*Meet ups for things I’m interested in (wine!! haha)
* the gun range
* through mutual friends
*at the gym
* the guy I hired to make my front yard beautiful
*at Church
*my kid’s basketball team-mate’s parent
*in my neighbor…although she has stayed 🙁

Surely, we see the good in each other and gravitate to each other…and it sticks. Most of the time. That kind of shared experience tends to bind us I think.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  conniered

Me, too. We’re everywhere. Tell your story and sit back & watch how many others are out there.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

So true!!!!! All you have to do is make a subtle comment regarding your situation and you see that knowing gleam in their eye, or they stiffen or say “me too” or the flood gates just open.

I am friends with a fellow lady chump on Facebook and IG. We have never met in real life and it surprises the hell out of me because we have so much that tie us together. I think God intended it. We both homeschooled before DDay, we both have a son named James and, back in the Fall, my uncle die and we found out we are related by marriage. Talk about amazing!!

I am ahead of her in the whole DDay/divorce process and I love that she can send me a message and I can give her hope. It’s tough. She was a SAHM with 5 kids, the youngest was not even 1 year old. She is a Christian as well. She sent me a message the other day about her divorce being final and that he made her file since he wouldn’t. I told her “Be at Peace, A. Adultery is a biblical reason to divorce. You are now FREE to live your life as you choose and that means not being married to a cheater”.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
6 years ago

I used to cringe whenever Kwame tried taking credit for the casinos and the two new stadiums. That started under Archer’s watch. #detroitlove

Portia
Portia
6 years ago

My problem with dating sites in general is that they are a perfect trolling place for narcs and sociopaths. I remember when Christian Single opened up, and my ex was one of the first to sign on. He NEVER was involved in a church, and had no known religious convictions. He had been taken to church as a child, and he knew there were women who cooked and who thought their Christian duty was to be forgiving. Heaven on Line! What a great place to sparkle!!!!

I have not met anyone I am interested in seriously dating, and I don’t “need” to marry again. I do enjoy companionship, and I have found some of that by following my interests. Except for being regarded as a bit odd by many of the married folks, since I don’t have any interest in marriage, it has led to a positive and enjoyable way to spend my leisure time.

When I was in college I had several girlfriends who had come to college to get their MRS degree. They experienced a lot of pain and rejection, always wondering if they had found “The One.” One of them in particular was a chaser, and she tried to be so convenient and available and wonderful — so much of her, all of the time. She would get angry when some fellow she had been pursuing would ask someone else out, often right in front of her. I tried to convince her that men didn’t like to be chased that way, and that some of them would just use her and discard her. She did not want to believe it, and continued this behavior until she finally married in desperation at age 34 to a horrible man. Her three closest friends (including me) tried to talk her out of it, and tried to get her to leave the church and flee. She thought her “love” could “change him.” She was miserable, and finally, after spending miserable years, divorced him. She finally married again, but didn’t pick one much better than her first. I know she is a good person, but I also know she defeats herself by this strong desire to be married. She just doesn’t believe she is enough all by herself, and no one can convince her. I think she will be miserable all her life.
Whenever I consider dating someone, I think about her situation. I know that I cannot know everything I need to know about someone without dating them, but when I feel there are too many differences and too many conflicting points of view up front — I know there will be conflict ahead, and that it will probably not work out. I trust my gut now, and I don’t give someone an opportunity to hurt me just because I see “potential.” I need time to see character, and actions — I won’t be rushed. Living alone is very enjoyable to me now, and I would have to meet someone special to convince me to compromise my living arrangement. I don’t believe love is one of those things you find when you are looking for it, and there is no treasure map with a big X to show where the treasure is buried. If love finds me, I will be happy, but I am not looking for Mr Good Enough.

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

My XH frequently was caught on dating sites. “Just looking” he always said – he said he never followed or contacted any of these women, like that made it ok. He also told me many men do this —

What a crock of shit. He was also “Mr. Holy Roller” in the church. We visited our Parish Priest for counseling, after I first found out about the sites — XH acted so HOLY, that because I didn’t like to attend mass, I don’t, that he was a “long suffering” Catholic.
Father almost bought into all his $#!t, until I let it known my husband was checking out Catholic Match (he had to find a GOOD woman, you know).

Priest jaw simply dropped. Didn’t know what to say, for once.

This is the same man, who wanted to divorce and annul our 30 year marriage… wanted me to go along with the tribunal process – because “I would benefit, too.” He was moving into OW apartment that week.

Needed the ability to wed her at the alter of God, I guess…
Sick, blown out flat tire of a brain.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

I love my “single” living. My son and I have made a home for ourselves and I’d be hard-pressed to move from it and it’s not really big enough for another person! I bought it because it was perfect for our 2-person family. I am seeing a man. It’s lovely and we are taking it slow and steady. I like it. He likes it too. I’m not sure that getting married again is in the cards for me and I am kind of OK with that. I wasn’t always OK with that.

cautiouslyoptimistic
cautiouslyoptimistic
6 years ago

Hmm. Interesting. I’m struggling to meet new people because the things and places where I’m most happy have been “taken over” by the ex. He moved here and then of course I shared my places.

After a few weeks of running into each other at my favorite hiking spot, Chinese restaurant, etc. we initiated some contact. It wasn’t reconciliation in the sense that I told him I did NOT forgive him and I would not offer it…but we did both discuss wanting to be in each other’s life in some capacity.

Has anyone ended up in a friendly place with their cheater? I know I harbor feelings still but I also know those can fade. I understand the position I’ve put myself in by agreeing to see him is somewhat…unwise…but I can’t quite shake it.

Cerise
Cerise
6 years ago

Oh, cautiouslyoptimistic, learn from my fail! No, you can’t be “friends” with your cheater anymore than your can be friends with your mugger, robber, or rapist.
I stupidly resumed contact with my cheater after a year of NC, figuring that since all the lies were exposed I had control over the situation. Aw, hell, no, I did not. Mr. Cheaterpants continued to lie about easily verifiable things, jerked me around, and gave me some weird bacterial thing that took a year to get rid of.
Anytime you are nostalgic, or thinking what he did wasn’t so bad, envision your cheater dipped in shit, surrounded by cartoon stink lines and flies. Because that is what he is: a giant, steaming, fly-covered turd. Do not be friends with a turd!

cautiouslyoptimistic
cautiouslyoptimistic
6 years ago

A little bit of context on my situation as I’m new to the site (though I read the book).

Gay male. Late twenties. Wasn’t married, but in what had been agreed upon was a monogamous relationship.

Cheater cheated when I was on a business trip. Of all people, my roommate told me about a month after the incident. Roommate was seeing the “other man” at this point and put some pieces together. I stupidly talked to OM and got way more details than I should have.

I confronted cheater and he didn’t lie, but wasn’t remorseful. Told me he, “had to sleep with [person] to determine if I wanted to take things to the next level with you.” I raged. I responded, “if you have to sleep with someone that isn’t me to decide if you want to be with me, there’s something wrong with you. You fucked up. I’m breaking up with you, but you ended the relationship with your actions.”

I definitely recognize that I’m in a danger zone and that no contact really is the correct course of action, that what he did was not indicative of something a friend or a partner would ever do to someone, that there is nothing wrong with ME that made him do this, and that my self worth is much higher than what I’m allowing myself to go through…

…but I can’t shake the connection that we had, the really bizarre and “fateful” way we met, the goofy things he does that make me smile, the way I feel (felt?) when things were good.

I guess where I’m at is questioning whether or not I actually can forgive someone for this. Don’t we all err and make mistakes sometimes? I dunno. If nobody ever got second chances, wouldn’t most the world be alone?

conniered
conniered
6 years ago

I hear ya…and here comes the tough love. You aren’t that special to him. You ARE special and worthy. Just not to HIM.

cautiouslyoptimistic
cautiouslyoptimistic
6 years ago
Reply to  conniered

Yeah, I need the tough love. I really know I need it. I totally know I’m not to him.

I’m just sick of feeling that pain. I know the way to stop feeling it is NC and fixing my picker so I can actually meet someone nice.

I’m just…I’m not ready? Is that crazy?

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

Cautiously, watch out for the belief in fateful meetings. I used to believe in that. I was fated to end up with my previous partner before the Traitor because of the lucky way we ran into each other in London again after meeting at on a training course.
Then with the Traitor, he had been given an antique as a present which just happened to have my name engraved on it (and it’s a very unusual first name).
Both cheaters.
When we’re in love, we look for and see signs it’s meant to be. But we could also logically interpret it to mean we were fated to be chumped by them, rather than to find true love with them!
I think you can be civil with anyone, but someone who doesn’t respect you and lied to you can never be your friend.

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago

That’s a mindfuck, my friend. Cheaters don’t cheat “for you.” They do it for themselves. No matter how committed you are, he’ll still be shopping.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago

I can’t be friends with my ex. He knew me so well, took the trust he knew i placed in him and abused me with it. No way is he a friend, Now having said that, I do hope for civility so that he will feel comfortable to ask me about his 9 yo son. And honestly, I don’t believe he truly wants a relationship with me. My boundaries are too clear I think and I am just too much for him. Always was…..

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

X and I shared a lot of academic & other interests (including 2 children together). On principle, I will not permit someone who betrayed me back in my life, no matter how fun or stimulating they are. Just no.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Well, he’s proven himself to be selfish, weak, cowardly, right? — As the saying goes, With friends like that, who needs enemas? 🙂

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago

I think a chump could be civil and polite to their cheater depending on the circumstances. But you are in a dangerous place. You are particularly vulnerable if you still harbor feelings for him. No contact is the best way to protect yourself. Yes, my cheater wants to be friends with me. And he wants his children back in his life (they’ve gone no contact – 18 and 20) Of course he does! Image control!! I’m not so bad – see we’re friends! If he cheated on you he does not have good character or integrity. Why would you wantthat as a friend?
Ugh. Danger danger indeed!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

Also, this happened between me & XH after we split up just three years into our relationship — we remained friends, then friends with benefits (after he left OW), then back together. We married, spent thirteen more years together, then he pulled the exact same shit with a different girl and broke my heart this time.

Beetle
Beetle
6 years ago

Mine has shown up at the nursing my father is in. When I went in to see my father on my birthday he was there. I went to my fathers room to wait on him, but I didn’t know what to do. I don’t want anything to do with X. I called my twin sister and she told me to leave. It was a Friday afternoon and he was all dressed up like he was going on a date. The trash will stoop to any low level to get back at /with you. Can’t imagine seeing him show up more anywhere else I’m at would lead me to be friends with him again. I thought we were friends before he chumped me. Seconds, no way. Find new places to be and leave the trash behind. What a nightmare to be “friends”. He’s hoodwinking you.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  Beetle

This is repulsive. I’d talk to the administrators. Ick.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago

Take back your places. Fuck him.

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

That may be easier said than done. Some cheaters have no imagination. They will take all the things you showed them and use them to impress their next victim.

cautiouslyoptimistic
cautiouslyoptimistic
6 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

This is actually one of the things that pisses me off about the situation. This is MY hometown, these are MY happy places.

I will NOT give them up.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

Don’t do this. This is the beginning of hoovering Cautiously. Before you know it you are back being triangulated. When you catch on he says “You know we’re just friends now!” Please don’t do it. You ask if you can be “friendly” with your cheater. Try taking the “your” out of it. Would you be “friendly” with just any old cheater? A cheater in general? If you just met someone and they said “Hey, I use people up, betray them horribly, and then abandon them–would you sign yourself up if you didn’t already know them? Of course you’ll run into them in the old spots–those are his territorial HUNTING grounds. Don’t become prey again. Find new places. One thing I did with one cheater I broke up with (yes, unfortunately it’s been more than once) was just do some research of the city, area, state I lived in. On the weekends I would just drive to new destinations and check them out. It was amazing, but within an hour of my house really were all kinds of fun things and beautiful places that I didn’t know existed. Find a new place, not an old heartache.

Hazel H.
Hazel H.
6 years ago

I also could not shake an intestinal parasite I picked up in Oman. Does that mean I should feel wistful and bonded to it?

This person shit all over your marriage vows. Sacred vows. Now, help me understand why you would want him in your life as a “friend”? Do you believe people are only dishonest in the area of bedroom antics?

You are most likely just lonely. Be lonely. On the scale of bad ideas, 10 being dousing yourself with kerosene and lighting a match, I would say your idea is a 7. Unwise? Yes and dangerous. Maybe he did not do a good enough job breaking your heart the first time…give him another shot?

Danger, Will Robinson.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Hazel H.

(Yet another example of the awesome geeky wit of chumps — we’re just so awesome…. And also smart, as in this example…. [kerosene… hee hee hee…])

My philosophy is that I am a “real boy” (girl..woman.. XX, whatever) and XH is a fake toy. I have blood and guts and heart, and he has … stuffing. I don’t need a “stuffing” person. So, no, I don’t want to be friends with someone who could do something like what he did, to someone I care so much about (me).

Kar marie
Kar marie
6 years ago

I look at it this way. I wasnt good enough for him to honor as his wife why would i then be good enough to be a some what friend. His plan b, his booty call, his image management agent….see see everyone what i did wasnt so bad…see see we are still friends! I dint think so not my job to make him feel good about himself. Ive heard a thousand reasons to be his friend…not gonna happen. These are my feelings with friends like that pod who needs enemies. I say be gone spirit!!!

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Thats exactly how I feel. Why do they want to be “friends”? Friends don’t betray other friends either, and why would I want to be friends with the guy who emotionally abused me and was unfaithful? Makes no sense. Image management is all it is and I’m not playing that game. Ever. And my son will have nothing to do with him, so his delusional plans aren’t working here. He threw a live grenade into our marriage. It’s still exploding.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

love to hear this. This helps us newbies trying to stay strong no contact as well as being relevant down the road in the picker department although that seems like not even on the radar yet.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago

I agree with several others. Chumps come in all varities, just like anybody else. How many of us were married to the Good Guy Sad Sack who cheated on us. I think they make a career of it. So it’s no guarantee someone who’s been cheated on hasn’t cheated in the past themselves, or that they aren’t putting on a front.

Personality disordered people will use anything they know to get close to you. Predators will see being cheated on in the past as a way in to your life, and use it against you.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

So true, Anita! Part of XH’s sad sausage story was how his first wife cheated on him so he knows how horrible and painful it is. Yet, he haf no problem becoming the cheater and making me the chump in our marriage. So yes, the personality disordered will use anything and manipulate you in any and every way they can.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

Yep, Traitor grilled me on fidelity when we were dating. No one had ever asked me before if I had ever cheated on anyone. It was odd but I assumed it to mean he had been cheated on and very hurt and didn’t want a repeat. Wrong, he was testing me. He also asked me if I’d ever been cheated on and why I had stayed. I passed that job interview with flying colours, of course.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago

Ok, I’m one who has mentioned this in comments and the forum a few times. I totally get why CL would not do it. Main one being mentioned that narc’s would flock to it to find victims to abuse. It’s a fun thought though. I also really appreciate the suggestions provided. I really believe it’s the best way to meet someone. Dating sites suck! I also always push for an actual chump nation. I’m not giving up on that one! A tropical island and all inhabitants have to pass a vigorous review process with an actual Chump Lady interview being the final step. Anybody wanna start a crowdfunding for it?

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

http://www.privateislandsonline.com/region/greece

And look … we can rent an island first just to see how it goes … 🙂

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

I’m in for an island, for sure. Can I bring my dogs? (j/k … sorta)

I, too, have had wistful feelings for some of the chumps here on CN and thought, Man, I would really like to get to know them better. When they are chumps of my preferred gender, I also confess to letting those thoughts drift toward “what if?” — But it would be a shit ton of work. I write a tiny little blog (mostly for myself) and can’t believe how much work it is! So if we chumps want to do it, then it’s up to us.

In the meantime, though, I will say that I did start a meetup while I was in Oregon but then I moved, so it folded (even running a meetup group is a bit of work!). But while I was there, I did meet some wonderful people — only women attended in the time I was there — and I’m grateful for that.

PianoMom
PianoMom
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

How about a National Chump Convention? Or a Chump Cruise?

JeanM
JeanM
6 years ago
Reply to  PianoMom

PM, Sounds great.
I would love chump cruise ?

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago

Way off topic, Chump nation, but I’m sitting here in court today hoping to get the final decree. Please pray to whatever entity you believe in for me. Nervous and scared as hell.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

I couldn’t write to you when I read this, Snowy, but I said a silent prayer, “Oh God, please help her!”

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago

I hope all went well and in your favor in court!!

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago

Thinking of you Specialsnowflake. Been there and know how anxiety producing it is. Hope all turns out for the best! Hang in there.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you!

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago

(((((((Special Snowflake)))))))

I’m envisioning angels whispering to the judge…’Set a precedence for these abusive monsters, give 100% to Special!’

🙂

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

Giving it all I got!

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago

It might be over by now – here’s hoping it went well for you!!
Onward to the next chapter! 🙂

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago

Hang in there … you’re almost over the finish line!!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

You are not alone and it is gonna be ok. Prayers.

Hazel H.
Hazel H.
6 years ago

Breathe. Deep breathing.
I am praying for you now.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago

?
Can you feel us,
Chump Nation, we are there beside you.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Let us know how your day went – I was thinking about you yesterday!

Anita
Anita
6 years ago

I had forgotten about this, bit e the whore my ex was dating while married to me presented herself as a serial chump. The ex actually told me one day she would not be involved in cheating with anyone because she had it done to her. While they were simultaneously cheating. These people are flat out delusional.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Pretty sure Narkles the Clown tells people I cheated on him.
I no longer trust what I can’t verify by third party. If someone says they cheated, I want to compare therapy or talk about how long I took to handle certain situations, thoughts on No Contact, the path to the truth and the light, etc. if they can’t have those conversations the way we do here, I smell lies!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

In my STBXs Schmoopie’s case I know her ex did cheat because he admitted as much when he called to tell me about the affair. He also implied that STBX wasn’t her first affair. STBX says that was an exaggeration, however because she is such an innocent angel doncha know. I wonder how he will feel about her when he realizes she is the vengeful type.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
6 years ago

Well it should be no problem because you know she would never do something like that to him. She’s so nice and it’s twu wuv ?

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Same. The whoremat was all “Boo hoo hoo my evil husband hits on me and cheats. I’m so sad I think you need to stick your dick in me to save me. Because I LOVE YOU idiot cheater! And you’re the nicest person I’ve ever met!”

When I asked idiot cheater about how sad MY situation was, married to an idiot that CHEATS. ON. HIS. WIFE. He at least had the courtesy to look guilty. So poor whoremat was in such a TERRIBLE unfortunate situation because she’d been with the guy for NINE YEARS, knew who he was and married him anyways to “fix him”, she DESERVED my husband? And to destroy my life and my happiness?

With the stories chumps here tell about what their cheaters say, I know a lot of “chumps” could actually be cheaters that just want the pity kibbles (not here, but IRL) and that makes me want to stay in my hermit cave of broken heartedness until I die 50 years from now ☹️

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

My STBX’s Schmoopie was also cheated on by her husband so I can relate to your story. STBX thinks he is her knight in shining armor rescuing her from her awful husband. “he was so cruel to have cheated on her and she was so kind to have been willing to take him back” (of course he doesn’t get the irony of those words). In reality, he is the villain for devaluing and discarding the one who actually loved him.

I also don’t get how somebody who has been put through the humiliation of being cheated on would have no qualms about being a participant in inflicting that same pain on somebody else.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

Traitor told me he suspected his first wife of cheating on him. Suspected.
He was 400kms boarding with the Whore’s grandmother, Whore became his partner “3 months after the birth of his 3rd son” with his wife. Yeah, right.

Morse
Morse
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

My Ex claimed to have been cheated on by his last gf – and proudly told me that he’d picked up a girl 30 years his junior the night (he suspected) his gf cheated and got laid! “That showed her!” BIG RED FLAG – turns out that he kept them both on the go for six months and treated them both appallingly badly – the ‘original’ girlfriend had to get a protection order then move house to get away from him. The local cop told me that after cheater ex went to the police station to lay a formal complaint AGAINST ME that I had sexually abused him. ‘Credibility gap’ – discovered all sorts of stuff about ex’s past wrong doings from that policeman!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Morse

Hi Morse, can you contact Tempest if you want my email so we can catch up IRL?

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

I’m just going to give a quick defense of dating sites (although I agree that a specifically chump one wouldn’t work as anything but Narc bait). I met my new husband on Match. The truth is that dating sites are like LIFE. Full of all kinds of people. Some great, some absolutely horrible. You have to refine your picking skills however you happen to stumble on people who ask you out. I don’t believe there are more narcs than good guys. I don’t even believe that I personally meet more narcs than good guys. I think the difference between a chump and non chump is that when a non-chump sees something in a date that is narcish, they break up with them right away. Chumps brush it aside and keep on dating that person. That’s it! That’s the only difference. My biggest hurdle was just learning to unapologeticaly tell someone after two or three dates that I wasn’t interested in seeing them again. Now, I caught a LOT of shit for this. Occasionally from a guy. If they throw a tantrum and try to tell you that you owe them an explanation or a better reason–well, you know you made the right call. But, I got far more shit from girlfriends (and my sister) for being “mean” and “not giving a guy a chance.” Or, a “second chance.” I was told repeatedly that I was “too picky” and wanted someone who “was perfect.” I didn’t listen because I knew it wasn’t true. I think I dated every single guy in a three county area for more than a year. I went on dozens of first dates, second dates, etc. A few relationships of a couple of months each. Until I met someone who didn’t ever make me feel “funny.” I never thought “why’d he do that?” I just met him and we got to know each other. And he didn’t let me down. And he kept on not letting me down. Not having to apologize. Not having to forgive. Not having to explain his behavior. For more than two years. It really is as simple as that. Think about it. Did we chumps ever consistently let our mate down? Did we chumps ever have to explain any “friendships” to our partner? Did we chumps consistently act irresponsible? Nope. And that’s how you spot us. Truth is, maybe I did cut a few nice guys loose accidentally. But, I am okay with that. Better safe than sorry. And my sister who refused to be so “harsh” as me? Still dating five years later. She is currently involved with a narc douche who is going to drain her dry. I told her that. She doesn’t believe me. She believes in unicorns, not in cold-hearted logic.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

This is a great post, JJB. thanks for sharing. And, for me, it highlights one of my own major flaws, which is impatience. I spent about a year getting to know XH, living together then apart then together…. And yet I expect to date a guy a couple of times and somehow just “know” he’s the right one for me.

Life doesn’t work like that. It takes time and courage and perseverance — you showed all three and were rewarded in finding a great guy because of the WORK you did.

Sometimes I think this is one of the biggest scars I have from XH: As much as I mock him for saying it, he said he found his “soulmate” and I’m jealous and now want that spark, as well. I KNOW it doesn’t exist — not really — and if it does, it’s probably a BAD sign, if anything at all (perhaps just indigestion from the Taco Bell I had for lunch).

Slow and steady, be patient, watch the actions — and, yes, draw boundaries in spite of other people wanting you to continue. The guy I dated briefly after Dday … there was something weird there, tingled my “spidey sense” (those little hairs on the back of your neck) so I broke it off and caught SO much shit from friends! But it’s my decision to make, not theirs.

Thanks for the pro-dating-site encouragement — maybe I’ll give it another go.

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWB,
Good insights – and I feel everything you mentioned in your post. Slow and steady. Maybe within the year (or two) I’ll give it a go. Right now I’ll give all my love to my two little terriers, Sonny and Gus. I watch their actions and am convinced it’s true love they have for me. And they are a little too shaggy to be sparkly. 🙂

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

I met my now-husband on PoF. My brother is married to a woman he met on Chemistry.com, they are incredibly happy together. As you say, there are good and bad on the dating sites.

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Jojobee,
Thanks for the different perspective. Really interesting insight about how friends can push you in the wrong direction by telling you you are too picky etc etc. I might try Match, but I need to get way more solid in myself first. Love hearing your story!

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago

We’ve been divorced a few months, living apart for about half of that, and (according to my mom), my wife’s been spotted out on dates already. I, on the other hand, am about 20 light years from being ready to even consider a date. Of course, she had a “head start” on that process. I also told my mom, I couldn’t care less and didn’t want to hear about anything about her anymore. And as a sign I’m at meh, I really didn’t care that she was dating.

Anyway, when I do end up looking again, I’d probably use the same tactics that CL suggests. Look for someone genuine and nice, look for a generous person, no gossipers, look for semi-introverts (no sparkles), no selfies up and down the Facebook page (big red flag I think), probably shouldn’t look in a bar either. Internet dating looks like too much of a crap shoot and too much work.

onwards
onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Also not there. x however has a live-in relationship and has reconnected with OW1. That would have been ouch but thanks to CN and CL wisdom it’s more like whatever as I’m aiming for meh.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

One thing I noticed when I tried dating last year (bad idea, I am not ready) was that guys I was talking to said “I’ve started dating someone, or talking to someone, so now I’ll stop talking to you”. Maybe they were just being polite and wanted to stop talking to me…
But frankly, I want to talk and meet for coffee, lunch, with several people, getting to know them. It’s just dates, making new male friends. I don’t see anything wrong with that as long as they know that’s the deal. And I don’t mind if they are doing the same. Then I would like to narrow the field and decide there’s someone I’m really interested in and see them only and take it from there.
Or am I nuts and is that breaking the rules?
I’m staying away from dating now, I think the guys are too pushy. I just want to make friends and see what’s out there, not looking for my next husband after a couple of texts!

happily ever after
happily ever after
6 years ago

I believe you have to push yourself in to meet people–of any variety. X and I were isolated–no friends, little bits of family contact. So when I kicked him out, healed a little, then started joining meet ups. Have made many great women friends and some male friends. Am now involved with one of the males–taking it very s-l-o-w-l-y. He may be love-bombing me. Thanks to CN, I understand that term and am aware of it!

Push in. Find your way on your terms.

GiveTimeTime
GiveTimeTime
6 years ago

” It’d be like one-stop shopping for sociopaths.”

As usual, Chump Lady hits it out of the ballpark the first time at bat.

My whore fucking ex husband used to “joke” that the best place to find a girl was at the battered women’s shelter, because they didn’t expect much from you. I can’t tell you how many times I heard him give that oh-so-funny advice to anyone who would listen. I would just keep my mouth shut, because I was used to him being “off-color” and was pretty well trained not to call him out on the shitty things he’d say so we wouldn’t have to fight.

He friggin meant it. I didn’t realize at the time that his wife was pretty much battered every day. I’m healing now.

Start a chump dating site, and he’ll be the proud owner of the first account.

CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
6 years ago

Okay, the funniest part for me was the cartoon today. The day I realized what was going on…the day I got the proof gathered, and was going to confront him, I knew it was over. This was 2nd Dday and there was not going to be a third, so I knew this was pretty much it.

He came home, I greeted him with a smile, told him dinner would be ready soon and could he please install the air conditioners while I finished up?

I was always proud of my forethought. Yeah, next few days were horrible, and I didn’t always handle everything perfectly, but at least I did it comfortably.

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
6 years ago

That’s awesome! 🙂

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago

Hilarious! Wish I could have been as calm and cool as you were under that pressure!

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Maybe at that age, proposing on the 3rd date doesn’t count as love-bombing ….

Gives me hope! Heck, I’m ‘only’ 58!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

I would really like to not be alone – but I don’t think that translates into me being ready to date. I’m still dealing with some PTSD around the physical abuse and physical intimacy “stuff”. Mr. Sparkles fucked me up good.

BUT – by facing it head on, I’m hoping to build a better picker so IF another man crosses my path that interests me, I’ll know how to self care first.

Until then, I’m getting involved in “finding my tribe”… golf lessons, new church, parent meetups, offering to “host” potlucks for my son’s teams… when the time is right, it will happen again.

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago

I met my wonderful ChumpGuy on an online divorce support site, BUT I wasn’t looking for someone to date. I hadn’t found Chump Lady yet, so I was feeling very sad and alone. I just wanted to find people who understood what I was going through. As luck would have it, ChumpGuy was in the same stages of things, and we began to message one another. We became a great team, sharing our stories, encouraging one another, and just listening. His emails became my oasis in a crazy time, because he understood me! We got to know one another through these emails, sharing more and more of who we are beyond just Chumps, and eventually we started talking on the phone when our kids were visiting the Cheaters (he also has primary custody of his kids, another sign that he’s a good one!)

I’m sharing all that because, during this time, I was also messaging a few other people on that site, and honestly, some of them were downright creepy. I could tell from a mile away that they were trolling the site for “new blood” and I cut off communications immediately (my first boundaries!) So, be smart and safe.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

The problem I have is I met my cheater at a Christian camp for children. We were both leaders and were friends for 1 1/2 years before anything romantic happened. I thought as we all did that I had found someone who had the same values, morals etc as me. He attended church with me up till a week before D-day, and was actively involved in helping out with events and helping me run the youth group. Obviously I see now that I couldn’t have been more wrong about him. I realise that not only has he not got the same morals as me, he was wilfully willing to abuse, control, manipulate, lie, cheat and abandon me, without any remorse. I guess you can find disordered people anywhere these days. I still struggle daily with the fact that I must be some what to blame for what happened. I guess that’s the whole mindfuck and it’s exactly what he wants me to believe. I know I’m worth so much more than what he has done to me and I think pregnancy hormones are not helping me at all. I guess I still have a lot to go through before I can begin to heal, only been 4 months since D-day, divorce not final yet and baby is due in close to 4 weeks. I am desperately trying to be strong and I am distracting myself during the day it’s mostly at night that it is hard. I think I’m still trying to work out what happened and why but I’m fully aware that is not going to be possible and I’m just causing myself more hurt trying to do the impossible.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

The Church is not exempt from harboring cheaters, porn addicts or perverts. The BTK killer (Dennis Rader)- was a deacon in his church. My STBX pervert sat in church with me…..with a cell phone loaded with porn/hook ups- as he was singing “happy Christian songs.”

Story Teller
Story Teller
6 years ago

My Male parent now-deceased brother prey on older widows. My brother told me that our Uncle had bragged to him, getting those “old, horny, rich widows” by going to their church was a great game.
I’ve tried to get my parent investigated and arrested, sent all my evidence to police and agencies- but his victims protect him. They are complicit in knowing that he’s using “love fraud” on other vulnerable women, and are afraid to be arrested as the Accessories that they are. Somehow these chumps think they’re special b/c he’s downloaded a keystroke logger on their computer. One of these women had a grandkid who contacted me for help.
When the grandkid wouldn’t get cops and a lawyer involved, I noped out. I’d been NC for decades and didn’t want to shovel up after their Circus Drama animals in the first place.

Grandkid had said “oh pleeese help us, he’s abusing my grandmother” – only to find out he’d had a secret love child with now-Grandma from back when they were in high school! This stranger is actually a blood relative.

I’m sure Male Parent got off on duping us all these decades. He also used to happily brag about torturing animals-now I knew why my pets had disappeared.

Just consuder whatever you know about these sociopaths could be only the tip of a horrific iceberg. And look out for “charming” men, church or anywhere. As Gavin de Beker says in his book “The Gift of Fear”- “Charm isn’t something people Have. It’s something they DO.”

Story Teller
Story Teller
6 years ago
Reply to  Story Teller

“My male parent, along with his now-Disceased brother…”

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

You’re right. My therapist said the disordered, in fact, are attracted to faith communities, and it makes sense, a jackpot of kibbles, chumps, understanding, forgiveness, and a great front for the secret life.

My faith community, however, once it came to light that a brother (my cheating husband) had a disorder, were not at all interested in working with him. No couples wanted to befriend us (James Bond might seduce the wife? Probably, so their instincts were right). No man of integrity wanted to confront the cheater / liar / gaslighter / blame-shifter, that would not be a job for the kind-hearted, that’s for sure!!

Yah, he didn’t just cheat, he seduced young women, porn, pornography and window-peeped.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

He wouldn’t dare step foot in church again or go near any of our mutual Christian friends. A few people including our rector have tried to contact him. He is too much of a coward to face what he has done that’s why he left like he did. He also didn’t just cheat, that just helped him get out of our marriage. He knew it would require him to admit that he is a shitty person. Much easier to just leave and blameshift everything onto me.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Pregnant Chump-
I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in your shoes a year ago. Husband left me and moved in with his girlfriend within weeks of abandoning our son and my pregnant self. I still don’t know all the details. Any really. Not even the name of OW.
I don’t need to tell you what being neglected while pregnant is like. I am so sorry. Stress is detrimental to the pregnancy so please take care of yourself. I was a total mess.
Know you have friends here to help you get through this.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

We had a son already together too. I have unfortunately had the pleasure of meeting the OW, she is a teenager. He took me to the place where they worked together during his affair and she came over and spoke to us. They are truely nasty pieces of crap. I’m sorry you and your son went through this too. How has it been looking after a child and a newborn?

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

My cheater tried to return to our family about six weeks postpartum. He’s here living with us but I’m just​ working on myself. Trying to earn some $$ to get out safely and sanely. I gave up my work three years ago to be a SAHM. So getting back into the work force is no easy feat.
We co-parent relatively effectively, but as far as a marriage- that ship has sailed away with his fidelity. Roommates until I can get out.
Even if stbx shares a home with us- it still feels like I’m a single parent. The guy would rather eat a turd than watch the children, albeit he loves them dearly. He just can’t handle them independently even in micro doses. He’s really good at rule setting and enforcing… But has epic meltdowns when left even for an hour alone with the kids.
I enjoy our children and I find it relatively easy and rewarding, taking care of them independently (essentially). If there is anything I do not fear about finally being on my own and divorcing my narcopath, it’s being a single mother. Having said that; I mourn the family we could have been. But I’m working on a very different kind of family. A family filled with supportive loved ones who have helped me cope through stbx’s indiscretions. I am the matriarch of my queendom and knowing this moves me closer to my goal everyday.
What your husband did to you is unspeakable. It doesn’t get much worse than leaving your pregnant wife for a stupid slut who has no sense of family values let alone having a conscience so dim, she fails to see that she is a willing participant in destroying a child’s innocence (because they know something is taking daddy away) and potentially putting your pregnancy at serious risk.
It’s an unspeakable betrayal that no one should ever endure.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

Bless you that sounds awful. I couldn’t let him back in my house now. I went back to work after baby #1 but I have had to claim lots or state benefits because I’m now on maternity pay and it pays next to nothing. I can understand that you need to get some cash behind you, it’s just so crap that you have to put up with living with someone who cheated on you. I am trying to go as minimal contact as possible but I’m not sure how possible that will be when the baby is born. I am so angry at him for what he has done to me and to his son. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him. It’s not in my nature to hate people but I am making an exception for him. He must hate me too, I can’t imagine why anyone would do the things he has done to me if they didn’t. I am lucky that I have lots of lovely friends and family who love me and my children. I like you am holding onto those people and thanking God for them.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Pregnant Chump,
I have never found your posts judgemental. They are from your heart, very sincere.
I am sorry if my wording implied that.
My heart goes out to you in your struggle. I understand the added pain as you carry, and are about to bring a new life into the world.
I hope you will let Chump Nation know when your baby is born. We will rejoice with you.
I remember feeling that whatever happened in my situation I would have enough love for both of my children.
A mother’s heart has an unending supply of patience and caring.
Xxx
I hope you sleep well.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Ladies, I am sorry for what these cads did to you. Your children may have drawn the short straw with their fathers but they’ve hit the jackpot with their mothers. You are all mighty. XO

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

You’re a strong woman and mother. Your children are blessed to have you and your husband is a fool for betraying you so catastrophically… My heart is with you. ?

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Dear FedUp Chump and Pregnant Chump,
This evening on reading your posts I feel very sad, because I know and I understand the pain you are feeling at this time.
My cheater changed jobs and we moved to a different city, far away from the ow. We had a three year old and I was pregnant with our second child.
At the time of affair discovery I was estranged from my family and I did not confide in anyone. I kept it all inside. No one knew but me.
I adored my precious children and loved caring for them. I had a very rewarding career. The years were filled and passed quickly. The children never knew of the affair.( I knew no details of the affair, not even the ow’s name).
It was never easy and do I wish I had not taken him back? Do I wish I had had more courage, more “ducks lined up in a row”, finances arranged?
I think at the time each chump does the very best they can with the situation at the time.
We aren’t here to judge each other.
There are chumps here with so much knowledge and advice. I think they are awesome, brave and outstanding. I hope they are able to guide you.
Myself, I just want to emphasize again, that I truly understand your pain and I am so sorry.
I know I always was and I remain, the sane parent. I cherish a very loving relationship with my children. That is most important.
Your strength shines thru in each of your posts.
With love to you and your precious children,
Peacekeeper

pregnant chump