Was Your Cheater a Slob?
The Friday Challenge question is: Was your cheater also a slob? Someone’s gotta be the chaos janitor.
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Dear Chump Lady,
At what point did they give themselves permission to become complete slobs?
I was just listening to the Tell Me How You’re Mighty podcast episode on things we will NOT miss about our exes.
I noticed a theme: slob behavior.
Sweat stained sheets, toilet paper rolls never filled, hair shavings left all over the bathroom, the…toenail clippings…🤮 More than one submission had tales of ex FWs who behaved in ways that make actual warthogs look like celebrities on a red carpet. With the chumps quite literally left to clean up the mess.
Of course there’s no way they were like this from the start. They put on their best possible performance of put-togetherness to win the heart of the chump. And at some point decided “Well that’s done” and started to show their true toenail-clipping selves. Their chumps, knee deep in another pile of shaved back hair with broom in hand, wondering “Wait how did I get here???”
Meanwhile the FW, back smoother than their balding head, is off pulling the charm on the AP.
It reminded me of my own moment of realization I was living with a slob (washing the dishes in the BATHTUB because his promises to get to them had never been fulfilled every dish we owned except a coffee cup and a singular spoon was now in the bathroom) and I thought:
“I wonder when he gave himself permission to be like this?”
In the laundry (pun intended) list of things FWs feel entitled to, “being a complete slob” should be added. They give themselves permission to spend marital assets, open the marriage unilaterally, invite APs into your home. Follows they give themselves permission to never clean up after themselves either.
KatTheBat
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Dear KatTheBat,
Yeah, that makes sense. If you’re going to check out of your marriage, would you really circle back to finish the dishes first? I think it’s just part of the larger cycle of devaluing. I’m a Grand and Important Person, my chaos janitor handles all the little things. Being the scullery maid shows where you are on the totem pole.
Not every cheater is a slob, of course. But I do think they tend towards carelessness to others. So why not the house stuff too? Mine used to drape his pants over chairs the minute he walked in. UGH.
So much not to miss. So, CN — Was your cheater a slob?
TGIF!
He was always organized, neat, tidy, and put-together in public and with betrayal objects. Behind the scenes,he was a dumpster fire who was unable to manage finances, would sleep on the same sheets and pillowcase for months(I quickly stopped sharing a bedroom with him after I discovered the first few betrayal objects) and never on time. Always late. He left hair everywhere. Yuck. Wear the same clothes days on end. Many of his betrayal objects were also slots, which is not odd for folks who have history of alcoholism, arrests, STIs, etc. Chaotic, disorganized and unhealthy lives. Do not miss that!
My ex is a slob and a hoarder and a compulsive shopper of sale items we never needed or used. He often neglected his personal hygiene and would go to work and wash his hair in the bathroom sink so he didn’t look dirty.
He was always late.
He was so gross…why did I try so hard to keep this person?
Six months later I’m still cleaning up my house and barn and every item trashed or donated is a victory!!!!
Ooh, Broken, that reminds me. ExH started always having very greasy hair, even though I know he showered every day. Turns out the dope was using the bottle clearly marked “conditioner,” and it never occurred to him to wonder why his hair never got as clean as it used to.
Ewwwww — I mercifully forgot about the nail clippings. However, I will never get over the toothpaste flecks on the faucet, on the bathroom mirror, on the wall … what the heck was he doing in there, since he always had horrible breath anyway?
Same! The flecked up mirrors and walls drove me crazy. And mine had chronic bad breath, too!
Oh, wow.
He insisted on doing his own laundry, which would be once a month, because I would “ruin” his clothes. He hung everything to dry, which meant it ws evaporating all over the house.
He also refused to use a dresser, instead, he used laundry baskets to store his clothes. These baskets were nowhere near the bedroom. Instead, the baskets were on the couch, the loveseat, the pool table, the floor, and the chairs. On the rare occasions we would have company, he would cover everything with blankets.
So. Many. Toenails.
He also had SO MANY SHOES, which all stunk, of course, and these were strewn about the living areas of the house.
He fancied himself a chef, and would cook, using multiple pans, pots, knives and plates. Any guesses on how often he would wash a dish? Load the dishwasher?
His office and our garage looked straight out of an episode of Hoarders. I couldn’t park my car. in the garage because there was no room for it.
He was such a treat. Can’t imagine why, 6 years out from DDay, I still shout all the praise that he is GONE, and instead, stinking up one of the AP’s house.
We were both messy in some ways. Being a SAHM, I picked up after him in ways that I should have had a fit about. But I’m happily single and don’t plan to navigate that ever again.
But his financial sloppiness was the worst. Very early in the marriage, I took over bill-paying because he was just not keeping up with it. He also wasn’t planning for taxes, so I did that too. Not that I love that sort of thing, but I don’t mind it. I also drew up a rough budget because I noticed that he was a wild spender, as were all of his family members. They just didn’t get putting aside for vacations or denying certain purchases to meet a goal. We kept to a rough budget during our entire marriage and managed to save a good amount for retirement. He always chafed against that, but I’d ask him if we should dial back the retirement savings or go on the vacation he wanted because we couldn’t do both. We also had a lot of medical debt at times. Later on, I figured out how to fit work around the kids and household issues, which eased the concerns. Because of that, the kids were able to do activities that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. We went on vacation more than before.
So when we separated for the last time, I pretty much figured that he’d go wild spending, and he did. He took insane amounts out of his retirement assets, claiming they were his alone. Not legally, dude. I began to file taxes as “head of household” so he was solely responsible for the tax burden. The kids and I went on a strict budget to keep going because I wasn’t making much at all, and didn’t want the kids to quit college. They were also both working while being commuter students.
And when the divorce was final, we were fine. Reportedly, my ex was not. His own attorney commented to mine that his client “might or might not” be able to fulfill the obligations of the settlement agreement. Well, not my concern. At signing, my attorney commented that if I paired up again, I should seek someone like me who is measured and thoughtful about money, not a wild spender like my ex was. Got it.
And my ex did eventually fulfill the financial obligations of the divorce. Last I heard, he was with someone his family felt might be taking advantage of him financially. Well, what goes around comes around!
Not so much a slob as a hoarder. I was amazed by some of the stuff I found when I was cleaning out after she left. I knew that she like pashminas, but when I gathered them together from the various places she had stashed them around the house, I worked out that she had left behind 3 bin bags full of the things. I always wondered how much that little “collection” had cost me over the years!
LFTT
Heyyy my letter!
I don’t miss the empty promises to do the dishes. Or me cleaning the apartment only for him to utterly destroy it in a day.
I’m not the best with laundry. I do leave it in the basket too long because I hate folding it, but that’s always been my responsibility.
But holy crap my ex was a laundry tornado. If he wanted a particular shirt, he took every single piece of clothing out of his dresser until he found it, leave all the clothes all over the floor, and the drawers still open.
Seems like there’s a laundry theme going too…
I asked my kids – How many times have you heard me tell him ‘you know that elf that used to pick up after you? She called and quit! You have to do it yourself!’ And they said “ at least a thousand times it’s burned in our brain”. So happy to be the elf that was
Taken off the schedule!
Ha, I commented to my kids that their dad would have to get a new Dobbie the House Elf now and they laughed. Everything I said came true. He is also terrible with money, blowing through our two very good salaries every month. Last time he was over in France I told him he must be nearly paid off on his mortgage by now and said “nah, I just had to refinance”! Goodness knows how long for because he was 62 when he said that!
Mine was (and still is) a slob. Still has the terrible habit of leaving old food, drinks, and used plates/etc out without the decency to clean up after himself. He made the excuse that he does not focus on “corporeal matters” which included things such as: picking up after himself, throwing his own trash away, knowing other’s (or his own) schedule, paying attention to anything that needed to be done in the home, and much more. He now gets to live like that back at his parents house and puts the “corporeal matters” (coparenting, kiddo’s schedule, ensuring kiddo has appropriate food/clothes, planning his own summer vacations, and more) as his mother’s responsibility. She’s much easier to coparent with than my ex though and is proactive about kiddo’s care.
Does he tell his boss that he’s not into “corporeal matters” too?
Of course not! He actually pays attention to things they ask him to do (for the most part). He instead asks others (family) to buy the things he needs for work but didn’t get at the last minute. Like asking his mother to get the supplies he needs for a special project he promised to do but did not remember to get until two days before.
“Corporeal matters???”
Is he a ghost?
No, he used that as an insult for anyone who lived in the present or thought of daily physical needs because he “lives in his head,” is more scholarly/intelligent, and is too good for that type of thing. Very glad to no longer be with a cheating ex who got “triggered” daily over me asking common things like what his schedule looked like or what he’d want for dinner.
Oh my god yes. I always thought CL’s “chaos janitor” post was the best, but this runs equal first now. Yes to the toenail clippings (he ripped them off and left them on the coffee table), yes to snot on the shower walls because “the steam just clears out my sinuses”. Yes to the dirty clothes dropped all over the floor on his side of the bed. I asked him one time what he would do when the level of dirty clothes reached the level of the bed and he just said “I’ll get out your side”! Didn’t often brush his teeth (so black teeth) – I could go on and on. We were already divorced when he upped and left his rented farmhouse IN FOUR DAYS AND STILL FULLY FURNISHED to dash back to the US to buy a house with latest Schmoopie. I ended up emptying it over a period of eight weeks on the weekends as I was still working. He’d bought a dog in February (abandoned it in May – it was later rehomed) and I found one of the dog’s bones wrapped up in a curtain that had fallen on the floor. He left coffee in the coffee pot and wet washing in the machine when he caught his flight back to the States. I hope Schmoopie is enjoying all this. The house had no garden, just four rose bushes and despite being retired he never took care of them for over three years (that fell to me too). He once told me I ironed like crap and he could do better because he’d been a marine, so I stopped ironing his shirts – and he started looking like such an old hobo that even his dad commented on it! Again Schmoops, enjoy!
…that part about the shower actually made me heave and someone on the bus just asked if I’m ok.
Ha ha, sorry about that. But I guess you can imagine how I felt having to clean it up!
Klootzak left toenails everywhere and every morning he would cough up phlegm or whatever and spit it in his sink and leave it there to dry. We both worked from home the last several years of the marriage. He took an entire bedroom as his office and I was tucked into a small area in the basement.
He always complained about this one little shelf on a bookshelf in the eat in kitchen area where DS and I had a bin of our craft supplies. We would pull it out to paint rocks or do wood crafting projects. Klootzak complained that it looked cluttery. He ignored that there were THREE upper bookshelves covered in his unused coffee mug collection plus other various junk of his. Antique tool bits. Junk he found interesting. But no, it was our covered sterilite bin and roll of kraft paper on the bottom shelf that looked a mess. 🙄
His office? Garbage everywhere. A garbage can filled with stuff that he never emptied. Boxes and boxes of who knows what stacked 3 high. A large closet stuffed with computer junk (he saved every motherboard he ever owned), old falling apart suitcases, old Navy uniforms he no longer fit into, you name it. Everything covered in dust.
The remainder of the basement? Four complete sets of tires, junk, boxes of old toys (Transformers in their original boxes he just HAD to own), old boxes he flattened but would not part with, beer making equipment unused for over 10 years with hundreds of beer bottles, etc.
We accepted an offer on the marital home and it will be closed by the end if the month. Today is March 20. He has 11 days to clear his stuff from the home. I am just laughing. I wonder how The Latest will like all his hoard moved in with them? He is too cheap to purchase storage. 🤣
My ex had learned to not be a slob in his living space by the time we married, thankfully. But his body otoh…yikes!
He didn’t believe in “disturbing the natural oils” on his skin or his hair so he didn’t shower often enough and when he did he didn’t soap up everywhere or use shampoo very frequently. (The bathroom usually smelled WORSE from his barely washed body odor after he showered! I didn’t know that was possible!)
He literally burned through so many pairs of sheets this way. They got oily on his side of the bed which created holes. I tried to prevent that by rearranging the bottom sheet and laundering sheets more often but it still happened.
He was also not one to trim his beard or his goatee when he had one, or deal with the long hairs in his ears. Or obviously visible ear wax. I did the honors just so I could stand being around him.
And he loved wearing sleeveless “wife beater” tank tops all the time (we lived in a very warm climate) so the kids and I were constantly subjected to seeing his armpit hair and smelling the smells – he also didn’t believe in effective deodorant.
I love Carrie Underwood’s song, “She Don’t Know”….she can have him. Amen! My ex’s new wife gets all this now!
I suspect that my cheater ex would have been naturally slobbish if he didn’t purposely live with others who did the elf work for him all the time. His whole life he lived with either a parent or a wife, besides brief stints with roommates. He could.not.handle.living.alone. If he ever had to, I think he would be a slob with the best of them.
Yes, eX was a slob! And a hoarder! I spent 34+ years as scullery maid, junk organizer, filth cleaner, attempted de-clutterer, laundress…
As far as hygiene, one thing that was most difficult for me was he insisted on going to bed without showering. He wanted to shower in the morning so he would be clean for work. But he did not have any qualms about going to bed filthy and wanting to have sex with me while he was dirty. I was not worthy of having a sex partner who was clean for intimacy. I showered for him, before intimacy. I remember literally begging him to shower before coming to bed “for me”.
As to the hoarding. It’s all been said before, but he could have been on one of those shows. I spent 3+ decades attempting to de-clutter. Of course, he would not allow me to “Marie Kondo” any of his unused items which filled our house, garage, guest house and even the yards. Well before my D-day, I gave up and accepted (at that time) that this was my fate and there was no escape. Ironically, it was my “guess” that he was depressed, that was a factor in my overlooking his strange behavior that was actually a tell of his secret life. I over-gave on the empathy, compassion, patience and love. He did not deserve it. I was always begging and pleading. I realize now that men call that “nagging” so that makes me one in the wrong. I should have had screaming rages. I should have thrown things and destroyed his belongings. I was trying too hard to be Loving and Kind Suzy homemaker, but I’ve finally learned that to love myself and have compassion for myself, I must be quite a bit more “Bad Bitch Betty”.