What Were Your Fears Leaving a Cheater?
The Friday Challenge is: What were your fears leaving a cheater — and how did it turn out?
Are you okay anyway?
Did of any of those things you were afraid of actually come to pass?
How did you meet those challenges? Let’s give some encouragement to the newbies.
I was thinking of the “childless cat lady” moment we’re having in the U.S. right now. As someone who has spent years encouraging people to leave FWs and run straight into the arms of certain cat-ownership, this hits a bit close to home. Why is single pet-ownership such a slur?
"childless woman" is such an 19th-century-ass insult. what else you got. do I render inferior tallow? do my cabbages grow pale and blemished? does the quality of my sock-darning bring shame upon my father's name?
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 1, 2024
We all have these bugaboos of judgement in our heads. Fears that keep us from leaving a cheater and embracing a new life. Some are legit, like financial insecurity. Some like, “oh woe! I’ll wear the stigma of divorce and single-parenthood!” are not.
I was afraid to leave a cheater because I was afraid of being divorced twice.
I now see the complete stupidity in that. It helps that I have a wonderful partner now and have for the last 15 years. I’m all for fixing your picker, but I wonder why we shame people for leaving and don’t ask: why are so many people shitty partners? And why are we asked to feed their entitlement and stay?
So, CN, tell me about your leave-a-cheater fears.
TGIF!
My fears related initially to not wanting to be the one who called it quits on our marriage (I am by nature a solver of problems), but more significantly because I feared being denied access to our children (who were then 11, 16 and 18). As it turned out …….
Firstly, she gave me the option of “an open marriage after the fact” or divorce …. so I divorced her. She made the whole process as drawn out and as expensive (and painful) as possible, but I got it done, getting a clean break and a reasonably equitable division of assets. I took a big hit in the short-term (ie I left the marriage with a load of debt and she took almost all of the equity in our house), but in the long term it worked out much better for me because I was able to protect my pension.
As regards the kids, it turns out that she wasn’t in the least bit interested in having custody of the kids (I suspect that her and her AP knew that they kids would severely cramp their new fantastic fantasy lifestyle), so they stayed with me …. which the kids and I couldn’t have been happier about. She did try to weaponise custody of the kids during the divorce process, but that blew up in her face on a couple of occasions.
I won’t say that I was wrong to be afraid of divorcing Ex-Mrs LFTT, but I was definitely afraid of the wrong things. I don’t see our marriage as having failed and I don’t think that I was the one that quit; she fatally injured it through her unilateral decisions and actions; I just put it out of it’s misery (and set the kids and I on the path to a much better and much happier future) by divorcing her.
LFTT
I always read your ex’s name as “Ex-Mrs. Lift” (from “Throw Momma From the Train’) and I imagine that she is Anne Ramsey yelling “Owen! You’re fat and stupid!”. Which adds nothing to the conversation but I get a kick out of it.
BT,
If it works for you and it gives you a kick, then keep doing just that.
🙂
LFTT
That was the one thing I insisted on. I told him he wanted the D, he needs to file. Of course he wanted me to do it to help him manage his image. But, in the end he did.
In real time it was about me not having to do his dirty work; but in the big picture it was also to my benefit.
SL,
Interestingly, Ex-Mrs LFTT was furious that I divorced her because it meant that I was in control of the narrative, I was in control of timelines and the cause (it was fault based) would be a matter of record. I was advised by my Solicitor to go on the grounds of her unreasonable behaviour rather than her infidelity, which I did.
While it might have been a little more satisfying to have nailed her as a Cheater in Court, ultimately it was more important to focus on getting a reasonable settlement as quickly and economically as I could.
Seven years on from the finalisation of our Divorce, she’s still butthurt that the settlement wasn’t all that she had led herself to believe that she was entitled to (she wanted more than she would have been entitled to had she retained custody of the kids) and as for the kids and I ….. we couldn’t be happier.
LFTT
I had wanted to go for “mental cruelty” (NY was the last state to OK no-fault divorce and I didn’t want to wait, plus I thought that would be simpler than “infidelity”) – but my lawyer advised “abandonment” because that would require less documentation. And would raise fewer hackles on the part of FW. She was right; the divorce was a sh!tshow for other reasons but at least FW didn’t object to the grounds.
Sleepyhead,
Your lawyer was absolutely on the money in advising you to think strategically.
LFTT
In my case he crashed and burned and everyone knew what happened. There was no real power in what ever shit he spewed. We were both too well known.
I think my biggest fear or mental obstacle was that I would “lose my family” and there will be no other option to have the nuclear family (or whatever it’s called) ever again. I really wanted another child, we just planned on trying for our second baby after that summer and everything was going great (seemingly). I got my Dday on September 5th and found out about 6 years of cheating and at least 18 different OW. So I guess it was a blessing that I found out just before becoming pregnant again. Then there was mostly fear and shame of being divorced, especially in my age (early 30s) when no one I knew was getting divorced, everyone was buying houses, getting married, starting families. Also the fear that I would never have another child, because I was 34 and felt like I wouldn’t meet somebody new that soon. Oh, and getting a divorce just after one year of marriage seemed like total failure. Don’t know why, but it did. Because one year prior we were in this wedding bliss and everything was perfect and then everything just seemed like a circus looking back at the wedding. And in the earlier days after Dday – the fear of him really changing and becoming everything I ever wanted and me not giving him another chance, was a big fear as well.
Anyways, I’ve slowly come to terms with all of the above and realized there was nothing to save and I basically had no other choice but to leave. Or suffer the abuse of a narcissistic asshole for the next 10 or 20 years and lose my mind in the process.. I’ve accepted the reality of it all and it became easier. I will say though – life on the other side has not been that great (yet).. single parenting is hard and also the loneliness gets heavy often. As I mentioned, all of my friends are coupled and have young children, nobody really understands or has much time, when I’m not with my daughter. Still – I would never take him back. And during and after the divorce and even now he continues to show me, who he really is and that he is trully mentally disordered.
I’m right there with you, Confused. 8 years together, 6 married, 1 daughter, considering (with him pushing for) a second kid, then divorced at not quite 32 after finding out about the prostitutes and lord knows what else dating back to what he says is when we were first married (which I know means it was likely the whole damn time). I was scared and beyond devastated over the same things you were. I wrote recently in response to a reposting of a letter I wrote in the early days (I’m 7 years out) saying things are so much better. That’s all relative, of course. Most days I’m struggling like hell. I constantly grieve my nuclear family and the loving partner that in all likelihood I never had. Initially, when I started dating, I even tried to (looking back on it now) shoehorn myself back into something (word to the wise: don’t do it – give yourself space and trust your gut). But like you said, this was still the best possible outcome. I can’t imagine what I would be had I stayed married to that selfish and inhuman liar. It’s still just my daughter and me, and I would not have it any other way. You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your child, especially in the face of such an evil that would infiltrate your heart and tear you down from the inside.
Try meetup or FB to find single parent groups in your area! I’ve used that and found some great single moms and dads I’ve connected with! Don’t be discouraged if the first group you try you don’t vibe with either, sometimes there’s a bit of trial and error. A group I joined a couple years ago, I wasn’t sure was a perfect fit at the time, since a lot of the members seemed to have kids older than mine, or different custody schedules, but over the past year or two, more single parents with kids closer in age to my kiddo have joined and it’s been great. Some of us ladies went out the other weekend when we were all kid free, and I have dinner plans with one of those moms in a couple weeks too (the group as a whole has planned lots of fun get togethers too). It’s a great resource to hear how others have navigated their divorce / co-parenting / widowhood and it helps to not feel like such a failure in the family department when you meet others that have gone through the same struggle of procreating with someone that turned out to be a cheating jerk.
Thank God you got out. 18 AP and you had only been married one year (I presume he cheated before the wedding). Can you imagine if you had hung there to “save the marriage”!!! Well done for getting out!
Yes, it really is a blessing to find out and get out early and not after decades of marriage. But in the early days after Dday it really doesn’t feel that way. When you believe you have a happy family and you want another child, it’s really hard to break out of that.. Yes, we were together for almost 7 years, but married only 1 on Dday. He cheated for more than 6 of those years.. But hid it so very well, I had no idea. And I did (unfortunately) try to save the marriage for one year. But he couldn’t keep the mask of remorse and being a new and changed man on for more than that..
Same!! He hid it so well, nobody had a clue. Saying he was sorry and showing he was sorry were two different things and he lacked in the follow through. My aha moment was realizing I was telling a grown man how to show me he was sorry.
You may not believe it right now but it is a blessing. AND you’re still young. You will be ok. More thank ok actually. Hang in there!
I had a good job (I earned more than him) but he was spending us out of house and home, literally. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to borrow enough (at age 53) to buy him out and pay off almost $350,000 worth of debt he had run up (one of the conditions to having him sign) – but I did it. The other thing that terrified me before the divorce was final was that he would injure or kill someone while drink driving and we (I) would lose everything I had worked my whole life for. Thank goodness it never happened (and hasn’t so far – I hope it never does), but now he’s in the States I’m pretty sure they’ll come down on him like a ton of bricks if they catch him drink driving!
I remember that fear. He had insisted on several investment properties, and he had run our credit card up. In the end, he agreed to take on all the debt. Just that alone was a win for me. Thank God he sold them off soon after we D’d. In a few years he had gambled himself into bankruptcy,. If he still had those properties, they would have come after me. Third party creditors don’t have to abide by divorce agreements.
But, it was my only way out, and thank God it worked.
I wasn’t given the option of leaving or not leaving, he left.
Aside from the massive heart break, I was for sure afraid of living in a ditch. I just combatted it by working a full time job, a part time job, and taking one college class each semester. I lived on rice and beans and raw carrots.
Within a couple years I had gotten a pay raise and a promotion. That helped, but I kept my part time job, until I got promoted into an area where there was a lot of overtime required. I saved and saved.
I had always been taught just take it a day at a time, so I went back to that and realized for the first time what that meant. It worked. Honestly I think it is the only thing that can work.
I was very fortunate in my circumstances. I have a great job and financial stability. I kept the house. The knowledge I had about FW’s shenanigans gave me the leverage to enjoy a relatively painless, quiet, and inexpensive divorce. I had supportive family members and an amazing therapist, so I didn’t have to swim against the tide of a chorus of “you have to try to save the marriage!” I am very, very lucky.
My fear was about raising the kids, and potentially scarring them. I really had to work through this with my therapist. I asked, “is there any validity to ‘keeping it together for the kids’?” My therapist quickly said “no,” and had the literature to enforce her claims.
I worried about whether I could do all the things related to supporting a household solo, and creating a safe environment for the kids. It’s obviously a challenge, but honestly, there are ways in which it is far easier than cohabiting with my exFW. She never allowed me to make parenting decisions – she would just make decisions and everyone around her has to adjust. She still does this on her time, but at least I have my sanctuaries, my home, etc.
There’s an aspect of parenting that is easier when you aren’t simultaneously trying to elbow your way into the parenting sphere with a partner who completely disregards your decision making.
Thank God you had a good therapist. I’m glad the “stay for the children” narrative is FINALLY changing.
She was amazing, and I miss her. She saved my life. She didn’t hesitate for a second in response to my question.
As for couples therapists, two of the three we went to were a complete waste of time. However, the third was amazing: he cross examined my ex for three sessions until she cried “uncle,” and then he recommended that she visit a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis because he suspected that she might be borderline.
I think the difference with the third was that we weren’t asking him to save our marriage (but he was also really, really insightful in his questioning – he really cut through the crap). Instead, we were freshly separated and I wanted to see someone who could give us strategies for co-parenting. My exFW made the sessions about her, and it clearly didn’t go the way she was hoping.
The fears I had leaving the marriage were many: financial, broken home stigma, I was plain tired (and too afraid to fight as I knew he could get nasty), I was distracted & overwhelmed finishing grad degree (worried I wouldn’t be able to complete if he wasn’t there to contribute financially), and his family were more stable than mine had ever been & I soaked that up & didn’t want to lose that (despite his mom not being very warm to me, she isn’t to Schmoopie either, I hear). He ended up leaving with Schmoopie, so I didn’t pull the final plug….but I suspected he figured I would at some point. I had already tossed him out a few time prior due to his shitty behaviour towards me. I grew up with too much “fight, fight fight for what you want”. I think that it was helpful advice that served me well in many areas of my life, but it was destructive advice when it came to relationships. Blanket advice doesn’t work.
My ex was the walkaway, but my greatest fears were financial. I knew that the divorce would be bad because he had said it would be bad when he previously talked about divorcing and how he’d take off for the beach “one day.”
I hadn’t worked full-time in twenty years, although I had done part-time professional work. Could I parlay that into well-paying, full-time work? I found out early on that the answer was vague, maybe because I was getting interviews, sometimes even in the top 2-3, but no offers. In every case, they hired someone already working full-time in a similar capacity, often someone they already knew through other contexts.
So, I worked three jobs for several years, making so little that I didn’t pay taxes. But I was resolute. It was better to live in someone’s basement with the two college kids and the dog than to reconcile.
And I recovered. As it turned out, I became largely self-employed and did very, very well during the pandemic. The divorce cost more than it should have, but what I paid is actually average for my state for a contested divorce. My attorneys were careful with billing and wrote off work at times. I’m fine, and the kids are both out of college and acing adult life.
The “cat lady” thing is interesting to me because it presupposes that the woman in question has had cat-ladiness thrust upon her, and that the woman didn’t actively choose to be with a cat. Or, if the woman actually chose to have a cat, then clearly she doesn’t understand the joys of being with a man.
In this scenario, the woman either is “pathetic and undesirable” or doesn’t understand her own preferences. It presumes that life with a man is #ideal, and that if you aren’t doing that, then there must be something wrong with you. God forbid a woman actually choose to be with a cat because she wants to be with a cat.
Maybe the question for men should be, if a woman would prefer to spend her life with a cat than with a man, then what does that say about men?
It’s a definite slur against women to put them in “their place”. I know plenty of men who have cats & no one degrades them for it.
Good point. Remember the meme that was going around, about whether a woman walking alone in the woods would rather encounter a man or a bear?
I would be totally cynical about men if I hadn’t found this site and discovered decent, honest, faithful, loving men who show up here. Because of the guys here, I won’t generalize about men, but I will say there are far too many out there who view the toxic component as being essential to their masculinity. I’d take a cat over one of those guys any day of the week.
Because I grew up with several decent men and I’ve known quite a few in my travels, my problem has never been doubting their existence but doubting whether I– or anyone else for that matter– would be able tell the difference between a good or bad egg in time to avoid a whole shitstorm of trouble.
Even the FBI admits they can only detect liars and frauds in extensive interviews about half the time. And since, according to prison studies, predators tend to channel every bit of their mental energy into image management, some are quite talented at disguising their agendas and real characters for long periods of time. I don’t really have the hubris to think I’m better at detecting fraud than trained professionals.
This doesn’t only apply to male predators since there are she-FW’s out there who conceal their real agendas. But there’s clearly a statistical difference in degree of risk– say, the difference between risking emotional abuse, betrayal, false accusations and being financially fleeced by a partner or all the above bs plus risk of serious violence or date rape or your kids being sexually groomed and molested and/or domestic murder.
I think the added risks create a kind of protection racket in which women may be more prone to marry out of a need to have a bodyguard (raising my hand) or afraid to leave a known devil to risk encounters with even worse. But, like the ancient Roman poet (forgot the name) put it, “Who will protect us from our protectors?” Then of course there’s the extra social and legal bias making it difficult for women to get protection against those higher rates of various risks.
It sucks to have to be even more cautious than men are about who I let into my life or around my kids because the stakes are higher. Add to this the fact that a lot of men are blithely unaware of the difference in risks. They might not be dangerous people but they’re hardly great allies and I’m sort of tired of “educating” men.
Anyway, all those realities make the “cat lady” tropes especially entitled, disgusting, bigoted and out of touch with reality. There were studies from the 90’s finding that women who were single after a certain age were overwhelmingly single by choice and furthermore tended to live longer than married women. And no wonder.
This is very true and powerful. Women have the higher burden of societal sanction largely enabled by other women & social & religious institutions. Plus the much higher physical risks. I don’t find this lemon to be worth the squeeze so I’m a happy cat-lady.
Plus interestingly, it’s astounding how many apparently decent married men are always feeling out for cheating or just flirtation opportunities with the cat-ladies they’re publicly pitying and disparaging. The whole thing is a big sham IMHO.
“I would be totally cynical about men if I hadn’t found this site and discovered decent, honest, faithful, loving men who show up here. Because of the guys here, I won’t generalize about men,” A-Men!
Haha, yeah I heard about the bear thing.
Since I am a childless cat lady, my biggest fear was dying alone. I actually delayed getting my own cat for three years until I was confident the new life I built was safe and healthy.
My initial fears mostly came true. I did lose my in-laws and our mutual friends. I haven’t found another partner.
But, I’m independent and productive. I survived the covid lockdown without being part of a “pod”. It actually helped to have the rest of the world reinventing connections.
I know how to recognize and soothe any anxieties without drugs or alcohol. I keep busy volunteering and maintaining my home.
I left and filed to take back my power and dignity. It is not as scary as being betrayed.
I think I feared all the wrong things, but overlooked real threats.
At the time, of course, I had not discovered Chump Nation, so I was the only person in the whole universe that this had ever happened to.
In retrospect: I needed a much better lawyer. Water under the bridge, though. I’ll make it somehow with what I have now.
I think my fears at the time were that I had spent too much time in a bubble of like-minded women, and had underestimated the threat that came from within my own house. I should not have trusted a male lawyer or a male judge. I’m sorry to the guys here, who are all terrific people, but men who have not (yet) endured what we’ve all endured are slow to appreciate how bad it really is.
I’d been taught for over half my life to ignore my instincts. Now I understand my instincts were just fine — I’d been manipulated.
I was a quivering jelly of fear.
1. That I’d be broke and homeless. Waal I sold the first house I bought after 5 years for a large profit. Paid off the small mortgage and Bought a nicer house near my youngest son’s university in a vibey but lower priced area for cash. With the profit and an inheritance from my parents I retired early!
2. That my adult kids would abandon me. You know who they distanced themselves from? Hint: not me. It was rotten for them and took a few years but his mask slipped and they all saw the truth of who he is.
3. That I wouldn’t cope alone. Finally realised I’d been coping alone for years and extremely successfully – in the face of his destructive and nasty criticism. Its so much easier without the negative running commentary on my every move.
4.that I’d make mistakes. Sure I do. And will. And life goes on!
Instead of listening to my scared self who thought she should discuss it all with FW, I listened to Chump Lady, my badass sister, and my good lawyer. I did the financial things quickly. I planned my exit and left without telling FW of my intention. I went low contact and learned BIFF. I got child support collected through the govt agency when FW started messing with it. When he started encroaching, I threatened him with police if he set foot on my property again (in front of the neighbours).
Fellow Chumps, it works. Read the book, use available resources, stand your ground, know your rights, get a grip of family finances, understand the divorce, property and custody process. Do your homework, get ahead of FW by planning and filing before he knows whats hit him.
I was a practicing Catholic scared of disappointing my Catholic parents, who had been married over 45 years at that point. I grew up hearing a lot of “divorce is a sin” (from my mom anyways), and low-key disparagement of people that got divorced with lots of the typical victim-blaming.
My parents fortunately ended up totally being in my corner. My mom was just like, well, you can just get an annulment from the church. They hated my ex once they learned how he had been treating me, and continued to see his treatment of me and our daughter.
I didn’t leave though, he was the one that asked for the divorce and left, which was such a blessing in disguise that I didn’t appreciate at the time. I was still desperate to keep my nuclear family intact. I don’t know how much longer I would have gone on spackling.
I think the hardest part for me to get to, and thank God I had a great family to help me get there; was that what I do from this day forward is not tied to what he wants.
What finally got me there was listening to my dad and brother, and then when he called me to tell me what the D agreement would be. It really offended me that he had fucked me over royally and he had the audacity to think he was going to plan out my life. A light bulb finally went on, and I saw a lawyer the next week; and called him and told him you want a D, file and the sooner the better. He balked a bit trying to act like he was being the bigger person “letting” me file.
“It really offended me that he had fucked me over royally and he had the audacity to think he was going to plan out my life.” OMG this!
My FW showed up at the first mediation meeting and proceeded to tell me and the mediation attorney that I would be moving to be near my daughter, that he would buy a house where I could live, he would pay the utilities with business funds so he could get the tax write-off, would allow me X number of dollars per month for groceries et cetera (which receipts I had to submit to him for review each month – I am not kidding), and that he and Schmoopie would stay with me whenever they were in town. When he found out about the terms “community property”, “equitable division of marital assets” and “alimony” he nearly lost his mind. Actually, he did lose his mind. Actually, maybe he never had a mind to lose…
These guys are nuts. Part of his plan for me was to take over the marriage house, and rent the small house to my mother in law who was living in it at the time. My lawyer said nope to that shit. I can’t even imagine how horrid that would have been to have to be tied to him via his mom for the next 15 to 20 years.
When I left my 18-year marriage, I had no fears. It had been dead in the water for years, and I was counting down until my youngest was out of high school.
Instead, I uncovered my ex’s affair with Justafriend Coworker AP when the kids were 18, 16, and 13, and that was my get-out-of-marriage-jail card.
A few years later, when I was 45, I met the Lying Cheating Loser. The four years I wasted on him were by far the worst experience of my life.
Even before I dumped him, I grappled with the notion that I had wasted my last shot at a lifelong relationship. Wasted it on an abusive sociopath.
I dumped him anyway, and have been happily single for six years now.
I am the proverbial cat lady (though not childless), sharing my paid-in-full pretty little cottage with Gus, a fat gray tabby, and Scout, a shy long-haired calico.
I don’t date. I’m on no dating apps. I never worry about whether some man finds me attractive.
I remedy my occasional bouts of loneliness by spending time with friends, going thrifting, traveling, and being creative.
I fully expect to remain single till I die, and I am content. I’ve built a life I love, and wouldn’t change one second of the past six years.
The one thorn in my side is when I’m told by well-meaning people things like “you never know,” “it’s never too late,” “when you least expect it / when you’re not looking,” “there’s a lid for every pot,” and the lovely “you’re too picky.”
To all of that I say, “The cat lady was never crazy.”
34. On the topic of living alone with cats: From Chris DiRico when filling in for CL as host: “I gotta level with you, Worried. I’ll take loneliness, an empty social life, and a horde of cats over that kind of married life any day of the week. And I fucking HATE cats. But hey, at least I know what I’m getting: They eat, sleep all fucking day, shit in litter boxes, shed fur all over my carpet, scratch up my furniture, and occasionally cough up hairballs. But check this out: If any mouse even tries to scamper onto my property, Mr. Whiskers is gonna fucking regulate. Because he’s got my back. That’s more than your husband can say!”
Ignore the 34. It’s just the 34th item in my list of helpful thoughts
Oh I wish you could give us all of these.
Fear of the divorce dragging on forever and not having a place to live in the meantime.
My wife had a physical affair with her AP. After a couple months of the pick-me dance I gave up and started getting my finances in order and quietly hired a lawyer.
It was clear that she wouldn’t leave the family home, so I started looking for apartments. Unfortunately, she let slip that the AP was leaving his wife soon. I had nightmares about him moving into my bedroom and being around my children.
I can pretty much identify with the original question. I delayed divorcing in my second marriage because of the shame of it. I was determined to ‘make it work.’ Two factors that finally gave the kick in the ass I needed to get out of paralysis: (1) I began fearing for my safety and (2) on a call with my sister, we admitted to each other our desire to divorce and before the phone call ended, agreed to support each other.
She moved on her divorce first, presenting papers within a week. It took me another month and another episode of near violence to make me move on mine.
Well, as soon as he confessed to the affair (after 35 years of a mirage (thanks, VH)), he said he thought he’d be happier with her, and I said that he was dead to me. So there was never any hemming or hawing about what to do.
When you’re tossed out of the plane, you have to open your chute and hope for the best.
I tried to tap into my strength (and anger, which my therapist encouraged), but I still felt fear.
I also felt…sad, rejected (and convinced the AP was superior to me in every way), confused, haunted by memories (oh so that’s where he really was?), worried about the future (where would I go? Would I grow old alone?), and worried about money.
I worried, too, because I realized that I no longer knew what I wanted or liked. I’d somehow lost myself in that mirage. When my therapist told me I needed to enforce boundaries, I had to ask what boundaries are and could she give an example.
In some ways, the process of divorcing–all the gathering of material and communication with my lawyer–was a good distraction and focused my mind. That lasted 8 months. Although I was a crying mess with my therapist, family, and friends (god bless all of them!), I remain composed with my lawyer.
It’s been almost 5 years since d-day. Life is so much better now.
That said, I’m surprised by how easy it is for me to get tossed back on my heels and to feel those old fears/emotions. Just now, I was looking at an old Spotify playlist that my ex and I shared because I wanted to download songs to an mp3 player for swimming. I noticed some love songs he (or the AP?) had put on there. Songs about longing for each other. Songs about fidelity and rebellion. I’d never noticed them before.
Five years and still upset. Dammit.
One thing that has helped me with the flash backs. PTSD…when I see ” happy ” couples and feel jealous..I say..Well I thought I had that! It was a mirage but it seemed real!! I see a pregnant woman being cherished by her man …and recall my X left me right after delivery..I say to myself…Well I thought I had that. It was a mirage but it felt real. I hear a love song we shared and I say to myself..Well I believed he loved me, it felt real. I believed it was true!.So I end up my PTSD events saying that I thought I was loved so it was real to.me! It was a life, a good life, even if it was a lie later on. I still had believed in love and gave with my whole heart. It was a huge lie but I had been happy in lala land. Then I get back to my solo life feeling like I had lived in spite of the abuse I had no idea about. Once the abuse escalated, I left my then husband in 14 days…no regrets
“When you’re tossed out of the plane, you have to open your chute and hope for the best.”
So so true.
Ha! That is precisely what I plan to do on what would have been our 38th anniversary! I am going to jump out of a plane….by that I mean-skydive…tandem of course. Something I swore I would NEVER do- (just like I swore I would never be divorced but learned my husband was a FW cheater. I am going to replace the anniversary with an exhilarating experience! Making new memories for ME!
I was afraid I wouldn’t survive on my own. I had literally never been on my own except for a brief period that I was a runaway teen, and it was miserable and I nearly starved. I had gotten out of that bad situation by marrying my ex, so I always had this feeling that I couldn’t make it without him. Things were rough for a bit, but I definitely survived. I am now in the process of buying a home in coastal Maine. If I had known things could end up like that, I would have left him years before.
Well you get to live my dream! Just visited Acadia in June- loved it! And I like snow too!
Congrats on your mightiness Caroline! I’ve had a bucket list wish for decades that I would spend one year in Maine just to see if I could survive it. Coastal Maine sounds beautiful and a bit less deadly than the Maine forest I spent a week in as a child (family vacation).
Wow, great question! I went back to read my original letter to CL in 2018 to see what my fears were and they were all financial.
No, none of them came to pass. I separated in 2020 and I filed at the same time. Now, almost 4 years out from that time, life is good.
What helped was knowing the marital finances before I even spoke with an attorney. Luckily I always had access to our shared accounts as well as his 401k & all our investments. My name was on both cars and the mortgage. I also had a full time job.
The fears of staying – Will he get arrested? Will he attempt to cash out his 401k? Will he liquidate the money in savings? – all became bigger, and fears about whether I could support myself became smaller.
Other fears about not being believed that I was in a difficult marriage (hahaha all the difficulties caused by him!) or fears about my disabled son or about losing contact with my other adult children – they never came to pass either. I confided in some trusted people in my community, and then told my kids the facts. They all were actually very relieved. They had seen my unhappiness & experienced some of the XH unreliability – I think they were looking for explanations of why everything was so chaotic and uncomfortable. My son with the disability was most relieved. He had been too afraid to say anything. I covered too much for XH ignoring, forgetting, devaluing behaviors & I think the kids were terribly confused while growing up. Later, it was more obvious that Dad was in his own little universe.
I was afraid I’d be lonely, but my confidence has risen so much. I enjoy all the activities I started when XH used to ignore me, and I have a very full life between work, volunteer ministries, hobbies, my family, and my house. And my new little rescue pup! Cats are ok but this little dog won my heart!
Now my fears are typical: will the new dog poop in the house? Did I forget about my son’s medical appointment? Did I pay the car registration? What if a tree falls down in a thunderstorm? (All my neighbors worry about that one!)
it took me awhile to figure out what was going on, so i initially felt shock/dismay that my marriage was ending. ashamed. i was taught to “make it work” and i do believe in working, but soon realized that was one-sided and had been for a long, long time.
then i figured out the extent of financial abuse, and my X was trying to skate around certain aspects of the SA, and my lawyer was a good one. she sorted it all out for me. i thank god for her. lawyers are key.
when my X treated my kids so poorly after he left the family home, all my feelings for him disappeared. i have no regard for him.
my fears continue to be the fallout from the financial abuse. my X lost his VP job (without cause–i still cannot believe it) and has not been able to find another. his affair partner (his direct subordinate who he promoted while having an affair with her and the company let him) also “left” the company, but has found employment elsewhere.
my X is financially struggling. soon i will turn 60 and apply for my pension, and start living off a much reduced amount. this will involve moving to another city so i can purchase a small home and live happily with my dog. both kids still live with me, and we’re making the move together.
i’m looking forward to it! but i’ll be living simply.
i probably worried about managing a household but i’d always managed the household anyway, and youtube has these videos about how to swap out smoke alarms, etc. etc. it’s easy and peaceful. no more huffing and swearing and shitty jobs. my X once cut the wires to a built-in alarm system because he couldn’t figure out how to disarm it when the master battery was low. he was of little use in the home repair/maintenance department.
i’m quite struck with how little my X actually contributed to our lives, beyond his paycheque, but he also spent a lot of that money on alcohol, on-line shopping, and expensive trips that he insisted on taking. my kids both are university educated, so that’s good. that investment was honoured. but i’m in a much better financial state even though i don’t have much savings. i have no debt.
i know i’ve screwed up my kids, and that’s a cross i bear. we all have therapy and talk openly, which is great, but the damage is done. thank god for therapists. they see their dad once/week for a couple hours. it’s superficial. they have not met his affair partner yet, but that will likely change this year when he’s forced to move in with her. he’s run out of money from his severance package and has to make a series of changes. my kids do know who their dad is, a narcissist, and we work on issues as they arise. it’s manageable.
but don’t get me wrong, i fuck up.
i’m not interested in dating, although i did chat up an attractive man last night, and, just for a moment, thought, hmmm. he’s really nice. so, maybe? i dunno. it’s not important to me.
this isn’t the life i thought i’d be living, but i’m so much happier. and my health is much improved–the body knows.
The fear of being alone forever
The financial insecurity, especially with 2 disabled kids
The stigma of divorce and “what did you do wrong? You must have done something to drive him away.” The judgement(s)
Being divorced twice (both husband cheated on me)
Giving up the life I wanted, thought I had, sunk costs
Giving up the shared retirement that should have been
Losing health benefits
The feeling of failure
The feeling that you will never be or aren’t good enough
Probably more, just can’t think of them all.
This is why infidelity is so destructive and unfair to its victims. Really an awful thing to do do a person you supposedly love…
I was determined not to have another marriage disintegrate.
Trouble was, I was the only person truly invested in the marriage so that wasn’t practical.
I didn’t want to start all over again with nothing one more time but here I am .
I didn’t want to live permanently in my country of birth- but that’s where I was abandoned.
Since I was ghosted and he decided reality wasn’t for him, the choice was taken out of my hands.
When he abused and abandoned our family cats, the cold hard resolve kicked in.
The realisation of the level of abuse and that you’re fighting for your life and future drives out all other fears- it’s you or them and they’ve taken enough.
Mine were not being able to financially support myself, turns out I’m actually better off, and that I’d cause massive damage to my son. I’m hoping it hasn’t but I know he struggles sometimes, being 12 is already hard enough without parents separating. I just have to hope I’m doing a decent enough job showing him the way his dad treated me isn’t how you treat people and that if anybody does it to you always choose yourself. It took me far too long to learn that lesson, and I know with hindsight I should have left much earlier but I was very naive and spackled everything but I got there.
I was also terrified of loosing my home. I love my home, I have since I first viewed it and I always thought I wouldn’t be accepted for a mortgage on my own. It turns out I never needed to worry, I got accepted within 30 minutes of applying and should be all mine in the next couple of months.
Now it’s just the final bit of fear of him. I’m learning, slowly, how to deal with him. But I still have that underlying fear of I don’t know what you’re capable of, I don’t trust you and I really don’t want to be around you. Hopefully with time that also subsides.
I also had fears over being alone forever and also the financial insecurity issues, which so many of us have. But I posted earlier in the week about the “brain tumor” thing that some of us think about when the shit hits the fan. This for me was a big fear. My XFW’s behavior changed radically after discovery. He started drinking most nights, whereas before he might have had 2 or so drinks in a month; he was always critical towards me but then became cruel to the point of viciousness; his sleep patterns changed drastically both before and after D-Day; went on rage-jags at home and at work that curled my toes (lost 20 employees in six months due to voluntary quit); I saw him on home security cameras having trouble walking into the house late night/early morning (I didn’t know about the drinking at that point); I could go on. My point is that his personality changed so drastically that I really did fear a brain tumor. Complicated by the fact that Schmoopie told him that she decided to cheat on her husband because he had cancer and she was tired of taking care of him, so if my husband did have a devastating illness what should I do? Schmoops wasn’t going to help him. Besides the thought that I might be a widow before I became a divorcee, it was a moral seesaw for me. Do I run like the wind from a man who betrayed me and became overtly abusive? Or stick with a man who was more or less okay (as far as I knew then) for 37 years? It was a great deal of stress and fear. Just one facet of my situation.
Btw, finding Chump Lady earlier this year has made me understand those behaviors just described. I am forever grateful for the education.
My first cheater was my childhood sweetheart. We had two babies together. The divorce with a 3 year OW affair was 3 years from HELL. The abandonment, scars and loss of Trust were DEEP DEEP scars. The pain stretched out to my second marriage and the fear of feeling that torture AGAIN was more than I thought I could handle. #2 Cheater was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and severe ADHD about 15 years into our marriage. OK I could deal with that, my father mimicked the same behavior including rages so it felt like I i was back to my fear plagued childhood. But my mom didn’t leave my unstable father so why would I leave this sick man?
This is what kept me after #2 cheater was inappropriate with my daughter had rages, silent treatment, buying sprees, spending, lost businesses..why it’s his mental illness. His cheating was the one thing we had talked about as his x wife had done the same to him.
So FEAR and DISBELIEF and the horror of 2 divorces almost collapsed me. But the FREEDOM from him now cannot compare to the terror OF leaving him. I AM SO GRATEFUL I LEFT EVEN AT 69! When the pain of staying outweighs your worst fear, YOU have to GO.
Oh my God, you’re describing my ex. He was diagnosed with bipolar and I went through the rages, the silent treatment, THE SPENDING, you name it. Add in there the fact that he always had a stinking temper but the booze just made it worse. And of course, booze and bipolar meds go really well together, don’t they. I always felt I needed to stick by him because hey, he was ill, but in the end I realized allowing him to possibly kill me wasn’t going to help anyone was it. He had wonderful insurance, a good team around him and if he wasn’t going to accept the help offered then I was out of there. The cheating was just what allowed me to leave him “acceptably” and not let him take me and my kids down with that sinking ship. Oh and Schmoopie left him too, telling everyone that she was “afraid he would kill her”, so no, he never changed!
Attie!! Yes this was me. No alcohol buy massages and woman at work. It was a free for all. My married quickly, a woman from another country, so she’ll not know the wolf in sheeps clothing for a long long time. I do have trouble with Cheater X attending the church I love, where we went together..and they all forgive but have no idea of the truth. So I keep my distance and stay zero contact with my voice and body. Its the church my family goes too, so it’s very hard. Bit I’m getting adjusted to the game I have to play to stay safe. My x had an arsenal of guns and I had locked him out. He won’t forger that. Thank you for your reply. I don’t feel as alone and this site helped me recover and stay zero contact. Bipolar is a horrible disease but my X did not seek further help and his professionals did not see the wolf…they are skilled.
I think I feared the unknown. In my 70s, I knew (and of course, still know) that there is a real possibility of needing help to remain independent at some point in the near future, that there wasn’t a long runway ahead of me, and I hadn’t prepared for the last quarter of my life to be solo. But I also know lots of women friends who never married, or who were widowed or divorced or who had a husband in assisted living…so I learned from them. I have a fabulous adult son who was able to provide emotional support and despite the fears, it was all possible. Of course, I had no children to care for, I was retired, highly educated and thankfully in good health. The unknown is very scary, taking it bite by bite makes it less scary. And I had and have lots of good friends. The good news is that at this age, not much is terrifying to the point of paralysis anymore. 40 years of betrayal and lost opportunities, yes, they are never coming back, so all that is left is to make what is now left as excellent as possible. No point in waiting!
Wildflower, yes woman at my age are widowed, divorced or caregiving their husband’s. I feel so relieved not to have to care for a bipolar, ADHD man who has cheated for years..to have to care for him as he ages and worsens into a full blown creep. Divorce is freeing, staying would have been prison.
I am grateful every day that the cheating was so reprehensible I had no option. When I washed off the quarter ton of Spackle, my XH cheater was disturbed and getting out of complete control. If he wanted help he would have needed inpatient therapy and all the policing after. I get shivers thinking I would have done that for our marriage. I was already doing 80% of the heavy lifting and the EA and secret massages were awful to realize. I am grateful forever to be free
I am with you. My FW also has bipolar, and is currently unmedicated. I am so glad he left me now while we are in our 40s. When I think about how unbearable the rest of my life would have been, I am grateful that he found me too difficult to live with and discarded me. I would never have left him because I was too invested in helping him deal with his mental illness.
Childless cat lady here. The jackass was a discarder type so I didn’t have fears that kept me stuck, but in retrospect, I think there were fears that kept me looking for committed relationships, even when that was against my best interest. Fear of being alone. Fear of being unloved by a man. Fear of not making it financially. Fear of being single in a world full of couples. Blah blah blah.
For me, the best thing about being discarded by a jackass was getting past all of those fears, learning to live on my own, learning to love time spent alone, figuring out how to manage financially. This is very different than facing divorce when the Chump has children or has given up years of career-building to raise a family or when the cheating spouse wants all the marital assets. I had it easy in that sense. But in a way, it’s never easy to face our deepest fears or to step off the familiar road (even when it’s the road to nowhere good) and go off into unknown territory.
I had 2 cats when the jackass ghosted me and two more have arrived on my doorstep through no effort of mine. But cats, like people, need food, shelter, home. And at my age (over 70 now), I’m not at all interested in dating some guy my own age who can’t keep up with me and maybe thinks I shouldn’t have voting rights. At least the cats respect the person who pays the mortgage.
My choice not to remain a “beard” for my gay in denial ex was made for my safety, not security. Who cheats and lies and manipulates for 37 years? (Covert narcs can, and do). When I told him he scared me he asked “ why? Is it because you think I’ll leave you?” My reply, “no, it’s because you are DANGEROUS”. Even his family was unaware.
Still debilitated by the PTSD and depression from trauma three years later, I’m determined to make a new life for myself. Recovery is one day at a time with lots of self compassion and self forgiveness for not seeing the “pink” flags. No amount of fear or despair outweighs my anger and determination to keep moving forward.
Fears – so scary, – of course because they’re fears! They hold us in a visceral grip- But it feels empowering (now) to have stared those fuckers down and to have done what’s necessary anyway.
It doesn’t help that Fuckwits play on those fears. But that’s exactly what Fuckwits do. They intuitively scan us for what we fear most and try to weaponise our own perceptions against us.
I think it’s really important for Chumps to remind themselves that that’s what the Fuckwit is doing. That it’s a FW. tactic and it doesn’t make the fears true. I was far more effective at doing this for divorce from FW 2.
Fear is a strange beast, because it’s an abstraction – after all nothing has happened yet – but we give fear life and a central focus in our ruminations. Probably because we are Chumps – we tend to reflect, deep-think and invest deeply in outcomes.
Some of those fears might be (somewhat) founded and some don’t come to fruition at all.
Regardless though, the fears are never, ever, as devastating as the cold, hard and known reality of living, ongoing with an abusive Fuckwit non-human. There are known outcomes for that pathway. We all know that it’s not pretty.
Chump Fears are something that you WILL be able to manage, even if you don’t quite know the ‘how’ yet.
The key is to equip yourself with gathering your tribe and knowledge experts to figure out that ‘how’ as best you can: strong Lawyers/personal (not wreckconciliation) therapists/friends and family in your corner….
I think the worst thing I did was allow my fears to ‘play me’ when divorcing Fuckwit 1. Those fears were of managing, personally and financially after being a SAHM, losing a marriage that I had fervently believed in, the effects of a divorce on my children…
There was also sheer weariness of surviving the unrelenting emotional and institutional (using litigation as a bartering ram) abuse.
Those fears threw me into a state of paralysis and that inaction didn’t serve me – as he did a merry dance financially and emotionally abusing me and alienating me from my children in the meantime.
Notwithstanding that, post FW 1,
I was able to rebuild a successful, busy professional career after decades of absence from it, rent a beautiful villa unit and furnish it to be homely and ‘me’, travel to international conferences for my work, produce an academic text as a lead editor, perform in a play…..
All this from someone FW and his family delighted in labelling “weird” and “odd” and claimed was really rather hopeless all round…
MOST importantly I rebuilt the alienated relationship with my children so that we became extremely close again. We still are.
This from someone FW had tried to argue in custody proceedings (2-3yrs running) shouldn’t have primary care of the children.
So I think Fuckwits try to implant fears in us.
The greatest danger for Chumps is to introject those fears and wonder to themselves if what the FW says might be a little but true?
I’m sure at the time I started to wonder ‘maybe I actually am a bit weird and out of step with others?’ ‘maybe my relationship with my children will never repair. Maybe they truly don’t love me?…’
Nope, nope and nope. None of that was or is true. What was true was that a malignant narcissist had (temporarily) placed me, and my children in his grip.
With FW 2 I acted swiftly and I got legal advice early.
I had learnt some things from my FW1 experience.
I felt dismay, an intense grief that this man, who I thought was a precious and rare human…..just wasn’t….
I had to relinquish future hopes of what the rest of my life would look like.
I had to face down fears of looking foolish in making such a bad choice, especially after my FW 1 experiences. So many of my loved ones felt a real happiness for me that I had found this wonderful relationship after everything I had travelled through.
I had to accept that the world I thought I had built with him, wasn’t real to begin with (VH’s mirage) and would need to be dismantled.
I had to face the financial worry of buying out my home so that I could be secure in a sense of place.
– I’ve been in my own home for the past six weeks, the financials were arduous and very difficult – but I got there and the home is in my name.
– FW 2 is out of the house (he stayed for 20 months after DDay and wouldn’t budge)
– I am wonderfully, blissfully, calmly, no contact with him. He’s blocked on my phone and it feels just lovely to know I don’t need to interact with him ever again.
– It’s dawning on me, that a lot of the emotional and creative energy in co- creating “our beautiful world” as he termed it, came from me. That same energy hasn’t gone anywhere.
It’s what furnishes my deep friendships, my creative life and my future plans for projects.
– My life isn’t what I imagined, but I am contented and often happy. I’m looking forward to the changes around the corner.
My current worst fear, were it to be realised, (and in fact I’ve had a couple of recent dreams about this) would be if I was still married to him.
A couple of days ago, a colleague said “congratulations Learning!” when I told her of my divorce.
It was such a delicious response and I’ve been smiling to myself ever since. There was no subdued ‘cat lady’ sympathy, just a recognition that it’s a type of liberation and that the rest of my life lies ahead.
What is VH’s?
VH for -“Velvet Hammer” is a longstanding, wise contributor on this blog (I’m quite new and I really appreciate the collective wisdom and compassion of long-standing posters.
Velvet Hammer coined the phrase “mirage” to describe a Chump marriage to a cheater. Every time I read that phrase in the postings here I think yes, that’s exactly what it all was, a mirage…
I should also clarify my original post a bit:
– ‘internal fears’ about ourselves and our ‘deficits’, cultivated by the fuckwit themselves, delete, because they’re not real, they’re abstractions and shadows
– ‘external fears’ about what the Fuckwit might do/how it might play out for your safety and security: you will be ok, it will feel very tough- equip yourself with a strong tribe (lawyer/therapist/ social supports) to get there. You WILL get out on the other side and you will be out of an abusive situation.
I’m still in the “process” of leaving my cheater. Our divorce is under way. He was served last week. I told him, despite learning of his 2nd (and this time- long term affair…est 5 years with his current schmoopie…a woman he worked with and lives 600 miles away from us), I did not want to divorce. I wanted to save and make our marriage work. I did not want to give up on what I envisioned my life in retirement was going to be (I will retire 3 years from now). I told if he wanted to leave, live with his AP and move 600 miles away- file for divorce. But he would not do it.
After our youngest son finally helped me realize that what he was doing to me was psychological and emotional abuse and torture, I filed. (BTW —his response when the constable showed up to serve him was “I didn’t think it would take this long”! He was forced out of our home 10 weeks ago…I guess the wheels of justice turn too slowly for him).
What I fear:
I feared I was making a mistake by giving up on my marriage-(mirage). After several sessions with a good therapist I learned my 37 yr marriage (for the past 5 years at least) was just that, a mirage.
I fear being alone- I wrote on this forum about living in a “couples world” and CL responded and gave good advice and tips on navigating a single life again. I am
rediscovering myself one day at a time.
I fear he will never reconcile with our kids. Although they will never look at him the same way again, I hope that someday he can repair his relationship with our 4 children.
I now fear how the settlement agreement will go. I hope after 37 years of marriage to get what I deserve. I hope he makes this as painless as possible, but after knowing how he continued to lie to my face, continued to “pretend” he was TRYING to work on our marriage, continued to inflict the pain of knowing he hadn’t ended his affair, continuing to say, “I’m still here”… “I love you, I will always love you” I have little hope he will do the “right thing” now.
I have built a strong network of support. CN has been the best support EVER!
I still have not shared with some of my extended family and distant friends that we are divorcing. Those I have told so far have reacted the same way, they are shocked and in disbelief as they “saw” US as the “perfect couple”.
He led a double life for so long and really lost sight of “reality” I know he is responsible for the CHOICES he made. I know he chose to live a double life- I fed him kibbles and cake unknowingly for so long and even after DDay for a year! I want to believe, to some extent, that his AP has literally brainwashed him. She convinced him our kids would be OK with his decision to up and leave us and accept his relationship with her. He told her he would not be “ashamed” to have her at his side for a “family” function…(what she wanted to hear). Well good luck with that! Our kids (adults) have gone NC…. They held their father in such high regard- until they learned what he was doing and his plans to leave me. So… they left him.
The things I was most afraid of were lonliness and isolation, because I have no close friends here , and extreme poverty. Both thos fears turned out to have some validity- I spend most of my time completely alone, and if it weren’t for my son living here and my best friend face timing me so much, I’d have cracked in the first few months! I have got used to it now though and actually don’t feel that lonely very often anymore. I always did need time on my own to think my own thoughts and do my own thing anyway and go a bit crackers if I don’t get it for a while, lol!
The very low income is a bollix though and I’ve had to get a loan from the Credit Union to get things done in the house so I could sell it! Thanks be to God I’ve some good offers on it and will be making my decision next week! All I need now is to secure the place I’m going to buy! I’m nervous but excited as well!
What I’d say to newbies is don’t let fear keep you trapped in a relationship with someone who treats you as if they don’t value you that much! The things that scare us about leaving often are much less damaging and dangerous than what would become of us if we continued to stay with someone who treats us like we’re not worth much. That can drive people to suicidal ideation, serious physical illness and it certainly makes life more and more like a living Purgatory! At times I couldn’t even imagine ever being happy again, but gradually, I found more and more reasons to smile and laugh and am really looking forward to the next chapter of my life now! I hope that inspires any newbie reading this!
My fear was being killed by my husband or someone hired by him. It’s been a week and a day since my husband left the house and so far, so good. It got so bad living with him, if you can call it living, that I was more scared to stay than to leave.
I hope you stay safe! There are others on here who have very good advice re violent exes. Keep posting on other stories and keep us updated on how you’re doing.
I feared that friends and relatives would not believe my experience, my “why I left him”. I feared they would believe eX’s DARVO narrative and feel sorry for him as in, “poor eX, he is such a victim, Viktoria left him, she’s so selfish!”.
Now I DNGAF what people believe happened; I DNGAF what they think.
I wrote a reply to this and it disappeared! What happened?
Re written:
I have started the divorce process. He was served last week. He said to the constable “ I didn’t think it would take so long”. Well, I guess the wheels of justice turn to slowly for him.
After my first DDay 18 months ago I kept letting him manipulate me. I fell for the I’m sorry’s I want to make this work, I am still here, I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you.
But as soon as he spoke those words to me, I would hear him on the phone with her, planning his exit. I asked him to just file for divorce. I felt it would be a better outcome for him to come clean with our adult kids. But he kept leading me on, lying to me that he did end it and was staying to work on US. So after I told our kids, our youngest son said to me- “ mom get your head on straight and get a divorce attorney”. I did just that and I filed for the divorce. A divorce I never wanted. I was afraid of getting divorced.
I feared I did not try hard enough to save our marriage. Despite the pick me dance, RIC, writing to his AP begging her to step away….(dumbest thing EVER). I know I did more than most women, especially a woman who has chumped twice now. For some reason, I wanted to keep spackling! I wanted to keep him! (I’m past that now thank goodness).
I feared being alone and wrote on this forum about being alone in a couple’s world. CL responded and her words and the comments from CN were/are so helpful. This forum is almost better than a therapist- although I have been talking to one and she has also helped be see clearly and helped me see how abusive the gaslighting was and is.
I fear that our adult kids will never reconcile with their father. He was a good father. Our kids held him in such high regard. He forever changed that. They will never see him as the man they thought he was. That is on him to fix…. if this is even remotely fixable is yet to be seen. They all have NC with him. (They know his AP who was a coworker for 25 years….and lives 600 miles away mind you! HE rarely saw her in person- there affair was via facetime mostly)….
He had the audacity to tell her she would be welcomed at our family gatherings. He would not be ashamed to have her at his side for family functions). Well- that sure backfired!
They made it loud and clear – this would NEVER happen.
I now fear the settlement agreement phase of the divorce. I want what I am entitled to after 37 years of marriage. I am anxious to see how difficult he makes this process. I do not expect cooperation as I had to “force” him from our home 10 weeks ago. That really pissed him off. After all…this is his house too! “Just because I’ve been cheating on my wife for about 5 years does not mean I cannot stay in my house and sleep in a different room”. NOT HAPPENING MR.
I fear the stigma of divorce. I fear being looked upon as the woman who couldn’t keep her man.
I fear getting chumped again.
– Thank goodness your son was looking out for you by telling you to get a divorce. It took my sons to push me out as well. They saw the writing on the wall much sooner than I did, in fact, one actually asked me, “Mom. Why do you love dad?” They knew what he was doing but couldn’t understand why I was still there.
– I feared that I didn’t try hard enough, so I went through wreckonciliation and gave him a second chance after the first DD. 4 years later it was obvious that the AP was still in his life and so I went through with a divorce. Immediately after my divorce, I was glad that I had given him a second chance because that proved (only to me) that I went above and beyond to save my marriage. But knowing what I know now (9.5 years post-divorce), I would not have given him a second chance because second chances do not make any difference whatsoever when you’re dealing with a person who has shown throughout the entire marriage that he is a very selfish man. Leopards do not change spots and believing that the leopard will for the affair partner (because now ‘he’s happy’), is pure delusion. I wasted 4 more years of my life suckered into trying to ‘make him happy’ instead of focusing on what makes me happy.
– I found that I was much better off truly alone without a FW in my life. I was already ‘alone’ living with the FW. I just didn’t know it.
– Your adult children’s relationships with their father is just that, i.e., their relationships, not yours. And there’s nothing you can do, or even should do about those relationships. Focus on your relationships with them. I was initially quite angry that my sons continued their relationships with their cheater dad after what he did to our family. And because the wifetress was an extension of the cheater dad, then I also assumed that they had relationships with the wifetress. I imagined that everybody would think she was wonderful, their dad was wonderful, and that there must be something wrong with ‘mom’ because their dad couldn’t be happy with their mom. As time went on, I learned that my adult sons are very observant and know more than I gave them credit for. Aside from my non-relationship with my youngest son (read my post elsewhere), my sons maintain relationships with their dad because he is their dad. I taught my sons to be loving and giving human beings. They certainly recognize their dad’s failings, and their continued relationships do not mean that they sanction any of the crap that their dad did. They just want a relationship with him. Additionally, they know exactly the woman that their dad married, and though they give respect due a fellow human being, i.e., they speak respectfully to her, they do not want anything to do with her outside of the fact that she is their dad’s wife. She knows they don’t like her and she vacates the area fairly quickly when they go to visit. There isn’t any chitchat with her. At first, I wanted them to call her ‘slut’, ‘homewrecker’, and all kinds of nasty things. But as time has gone on and I’ve healed, for them to have done those things would have been a reflection on them, not on her. They know she’s a slut and a homewrecker. She knows she’s a slut and a homewrecker (though I’m sure she justifies it all in her head). It would reflect poorly on my sons were they to exhibit similarly-destructive behavior.
– Have faith that the settlement will be fair. I hope it will be. I’ve heard that it isn’t always the case. Pray and ask God that the outcome is what’s right for you. But please know that having that man out of your life is the biggest gift that he can give you. You will finally win your freedom. You will no longer waste any more years trying to make a FW happy. Those years are gone and now you can find out who you are. You lost yourself in your marriage. That’s going to be scary once you’re divorced. You won’t know what makes you happy. Take your time to get to know yourself. And if you’re like me, you will have to forgive yourself for not taking the time to love yourself sooner. Get to know who you are, warts and all.
– I felt the fear, the stigma of being divorced as well. I was ashamed. I felt like everyone would think poorly of me. But I assure you, once you realize that you’re a wonderful person, people will come forward and be supportive. And of those that don’t, you will also realize that you don’t want those people in your life anyway. Those type are very shallow. You wasted too much of your youth on a shallow person, don’t waste any more time on any other shallow people. Life is too short. Live for you, your children, your grandchildren, and be happy. That is the greatest gift that you can give your children. Be happy. They want their mom to be happy.
You are right on so many issues…the relationship between our kids and their father is just that…their relationship. This is his mess to fix not mine. Our kids know how hard I tried to save the marriage and how hard I tried to “protect’ them from knowing what was going on. Like you I gave him 2 chances #1 24 years ago and again 7 months age. He made the comment to our daughter, “maybe its 3 strikes and I’m out, I have 2 strikes now”!!! He must thing marriage is like a baseball game! He said “we were working on it” AHHH no,I was the one working while he was gaslighting, lying and continuing to carrying on behind my back. I did all I could to no avail. All of them are supporting and encouraging me. They all have made this nightmare somewhat bearable. I did lose myself and I am slowly rediscovering who I am. My kids and grandkids are by far my blessings. One day at a time. Thank you for your response ^
Anyone who stigmatises you for being divorced or who makes pathetic, uninformed judgements about you does not deserve any of your time, attention and energy. You maybe internalising those feelings yourself (it’s very common) so be very gentle with yourself around these feelings and rewite the narrative. Basically look for ways to empower yourself. Don’t worry now about getting chumped again. You will benefit from time away from dating in order to get yourself really well again. When you are feeling a lot better you can work on spotting FWs a mile off.
I feared that I would lose my house (didn’t happen) and that my kid wouldn’t love me anymore (didn’t happen).
But what I feared most was that the problem with our relationship was me. I feared that I was a terrible person who wasn’t kind enough and that’s why he was absent. I feared that my severe postnatal depression broke our marriage. I feared that I was completely unlovable and there was nothing I could do to make my husband want to spend time with me. I feared that I would never be happy.
I learned after he left that I am better at managing household finances than FW. I learned that my kid loves me more than anyone, and his father was so absent in his life that my kid has none of FW’s personality traits. I also learned that my poor mental health was caused by FW. And I believe he did it deliberately to keep me in my place.
And I learned that FW was the cause of everything terrible in my life. Sure, I get lonely. And I don’t have money to travel. But every day my kid and I are happy. We love our life. And our family is finally whole and healthy since that FW walked away.
I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid that I couldn’t take care of myself. I was afraid that I’d lose my family. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be financially secure enough to retire. Well, I’m now 64 and though I have to wait till I’m 65, I will retire with enough to pay all my bills and live comfortably. Fortunately, I have a fairly simple life. I learned that lots of material things do not bring happiness. I must admit, I was alone for the first 4 years post divorce. But that turned out to be a blessing. I found friends to go hiking with. I bought a little pop-up trailer and went camping with cousins. I learned that I could fix things and take care of myself. I also learned that I had plenty of people around that were willing to help me. I just needed to ask. YouTube videos helped and I found that I was more than capable in figuring things out, like fixing leaky faucets. But one of my fears was realized; I lost part of my family and it has been devastating. My youngest son has nothing to do with me. He knows what his dad and his dad’s wifetress did to my marriage, but he still would rather associate with his dad and his dad’s wifetress than with me. That’s the most painful outcome from my divorce. It took me a long time but after nearly 9.5 years, I made peace with it. I learned in my marriage that you cannot make someone do what’s right, and not everything you love is good for you. My FW was not good for me and I could not make him do what was right. My son may or may not be good for me, but I cannot make him do what is right. However, my relationships with my other two sons are phenomenal. In fact, I have so many wonderful friends and siblings, and such good relationships with all of them, that it finally dawned on me that I must be a wonderful human being, else these people wouldn’t want to hear from me or check up on me. I finally believe that my son’s discard is his problem and he really is the biggest loser; I am a very loving mom as evidenced by the relationships with my other two sons. I can only assume that my youngest deceives himself by accusing me of being a certain way (like his FW dad did) to justify his bad behavior. Nearly 9.5 years later, I hear that the FW and the wifetress are having marital issues. I also hear that though the FW spent 26 years in the military, he has one ‘buddy’ that keeps in contact with him, and that buddy was a cheater to his wife. All the military friends garnered throughout our marriage are still my friends. It dawned on me that it was me that kept the friendships going (not the FW.) The FW was riding on my coattails, not the other way around. So though I had to accept one bad outcome (the loss of my nuclear family and my son), my life is pretty dang good. I’m very, very happy.
My biggest fears were that I would not find anyone who would want to marry me and that I would want to marry (as told by my ex) and my second biggest fear was that he’d end up in a relationship with the girl he was cheating on me with. I dont really concern myself with finding someone. That irrational fear pretty much died on its own. The latter, however, has certainly come true. He was already on a flight to see his long distance girl weeks after I left him (its been 4 months now). And to be honest, I have not yet figured out how to navigate. I still cry constantly, still having panic attacks, struggling with depression, and just overall just struggling with my self worth and value. There were alot of lies, manipulation, and abuse that happened in order for that relationship to exist so I’ll just be combing through the comments looking for that encouragement. Its been hard for me and with time, I feel less and less like I can openly grieve.
Keep reading the posts from CL and the comments from CN. You will find a lot of support in this forum. Once you come to terms with the fact that your ex has no moral character or integrity- a personality trait shared by most FW’s ,cheaters and their AP’s, you will feel better about him being out of your life. I am in the early days myself- for me, it has been almost 4 months and I have NC. (you may need to google the acronyms to understand CL speak). This is sooooo important to your healing and moving on. I feel your pain and still sometimes cry myself. My FW and I were married for 37 years. He was leading a double “virtual” life with a coworker. My suspicions were stoked 18 months ago and my DDay was 7 months ago.You will get over this. I will too, but it takes time. So be patient with yourself and be grateful you are free of a man who didn’t value you. There is someone out there for you who will be better and worthy of your love. Have faith!
Financial fear, fear I’d have to move, fear of divorce stigma, fear of tax ramifications, I worked at the office part time, all the missing money….
We’d been married 36 years when I filed. I got divorce lawyer consult less than 3 months after DDay which was on my 60th birthday. I also discovered $$ had been going to drugs and the younger than adult children AP. Before filing I bought a 1 year old RAV4 at insistence of a daughter. She was smart, I was a mess. My car had been 13 years old. I used all the joint money market account to pay for it. After failed intervention, I filed, threw his clothes in office waiting room, and started the process 1/2019. He drug his drugged out feet.
I forced him through attorney to file business taxes that were 2 years behind, I wouldn’t agree to negotiate until completed. COVID started 2020, courts were a nightmare. Luckily, together we had been debt free until he got into drugs. I filed taxes MFS because he was taking $$ from his Simple IRA and not taking taxes out.
We had 3 mortgage free properties. We sold foreign vacation home & split it. That allowed me to pay expensive health insurance and property taxes & groceries during lengthy process. After FW had a potential buyer for commercial property marriage settlement agreement was negotiated through attorneys. Never did mediation. Divorce took 2.5 years. I did a divorce and recovery class recommended to me by my therapist that helped me. I’m still in home. I’ve been divorced 3 years. FW ruined the retirement we planned, I have friends and grands near me. He’s NC with adult children and his own siblings for over 5 years.He moved an hour away. I dated a few men, stopped during Covid. Now just go out with friends. I handled my fears as well as I could.
So, I am still trying to reconcile. Holding out hope because I know of we can make it work, that would be best for our 3 young kids. I also know, it’s not best for them if we stay together and are resentful and bitter. Anyway, my fears about deciding to leave are; how would I be able to take care of my kids with my portion of custody (I’m gone 12 hours a day for work), will I be alone forever (38M, bald, 5’6″, trauma issues and social anxiety isn’t really a catch), and will the AP be involved in raising my kids!? Also, IN is a no fault state, so she will be able to take half of my retirement up to this point, so I’ll end up working 10 years longer than anticipated.