Enough with Divorce Shame

congratsMy cousin got divorced yesterday and I noticed today on her Facebook page that she wrote a very kind thank you to her friends and family who helped her through this difficult “journey.”

She didn’t mention what that journey was — divorce.

Several people wrote “You’re in my prayers,” and “hugs” and other supportive kind things, a few of them having no idea what they were supporting her about.

I wrote: “Congratulations on your new beginning.” Which is what I say to most people who’ve gotten divorced.

It’s a START. A new slate. It’s a gulp of fresh air after you’ve been sinking in the quicksand of dysfunction. And it’s a cause for pride because you endured a battle. However “amiable” you worked things out in your settlement, you just had to do legal warfare with someone you’d once promised to love forever. The disconnect of that is heart rending. In my opinion, a newly minted divorcee doesn’t just need hugs and prayers, he/she needs a slap on the back and a cold beer. “You survived! Hurrah!”

I have a tendency to over share and I realize some people are more circumspect and private. Not everyone wants to spill their bucket of emotional slop onto others, thank goodness. I’m an admirer of tact and reserve, even though I possess none of those qualities. So, if you don’t announce to the world, HEY, I GOT DIVORCED TODAY! that’s your right and due.

I just hope you’re not keeping your mouth zipped because you’re ashamed.

If you got chumped? If you loved with your whole heart and tried your damnedest? If your partner drove their life into a ditch and you had to jump away and save yourself? And you SURVIVED that shit? There is nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING people! NOTHING.

If you got divorced because you’re a cheating douchebag, this post isn’t for you, because you probably feel no shame. Most likely, you’ve already remarried to your Schmoopie or you’re out partying in a nightclub somewhere or trolling Craigslist…. or all of the above.

I’m talking to chumps. Those of you who stuck out terrible marriages of disrespect and dysfunction because you were afraid to be alone, to figure out your own life, to be One Of Those Pathetic Divorced People. If you feel responsible for other people’s crimes. If you internalize the shame of being abandoned. I’m talking to YOU — DROP IT. Let that shit GO!

Yes, divorce is a loss. It’s painful as hell and financially calamitous. But it can also be noble and brave. If you left a cheater, you’ve demonstrated “I will not take this crap anymore.” You’ve fomented revolution. You’ve stood up for your self-worth. If you were left by a cheater, and you had to file the goddamn papers yourself, you’ve survived injury AND insult. Hold your head up. If a cheater divorced you for some new piece of ass, well good riddance to bad rubbish. Fuck ’em.

I’m writing for myself as well as you. I left TWO marriages. I’m a double loser at this Pick a Life Partner thing. I hung on to that second marriage to a serial cheater so hard because failure was NOT an option. No sir! I was NOT going to be a two-time divorcee.

I had some wonderful artsy sister friends come visit me from New York City when I was in the throes of D-Days. I told them I was worried about being divorced twice. How weird and freakish that would be. One of them, Sara, said to me “I dated a guy who told me he was a vampire. Now THAT’s weird. Divorce? Not so much.” Her sister Dana said “You should move to New York.”

And that exchange gave me hope that, hey, there’s a metropolis somewhere of cool sophistication where no one will look askance that I’ve been divorced twice. Maybe I can do this…

Meanwhile, Mr. Cheaterpants was still screwing the OW, getting stumbling drunk, and threatening me, and my biggest worry was — will I be the freak?

In the end, I didn’t move to New York. You know the story, I eventually wound up in Texas, a place known for its tolerance and liberal outlook on life. (Not.) I don’t go telling everyone I’ve been divorced twice, but it does come up if I have to explain both my son (from marriage #1) and being a chump (marriage #2), which means I have to know you pretty well.

It’s just part of my story now. Some days it’s even a joke. I’ll ask my husband, “Hey, am I your favorite wife?” and he’ll say, “Am I your favorite husband?” and we’ll laugh because the other ones were such horrors.

If you’re feeling any twinge of divorce shame, consider that you’re divorced exactly because you DO value marriage. You DO believe in commitment. You DO believe in love throughout sickness and health. You DO believe in family. And you’re divorced because your spouse did not share those values and you refused to live a sham marriage.

Not one damn thing shameful about that.

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Ashley
Ashley
8 years ago

Love love love this!!

chumpittychumpchump
chumpittychumpchump
8 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

GODDAMN I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS TODAY! I don’t know how or why but every time I come on Tracy, you have just read my mind as to what I needed to hear. Bless you lovely lady, bless you!

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
8 years ago

Goddam I needed to hear this too!!! Just spent two days accusing him, then being gaslighted, followed by the volcanic temper tantrum cause I got too close to some truth. Which was followed up with an anxiety attack (me). Have decided to look for a therapist who specializes in disengaging emotionally. I believe that I have been gas lighted for years and years. I need help to disconnect. I am like a fish on a hook and have to figure out how to shake myself off.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

WillowChumpX30…. you are SPOT ON with this >>> “Volcanic temper tantrum” That is EXACTLY right, I have been trying to figure out what the hell to call whateverthef*ck it is they do….. mine did that too…. if you made him “uncomfortable” be it a truth he was hiding…. telling him he did something “wrong”…. whatever… the screaming… manipulating …. ever threatening “tantrum”.

Doop
Doop
8 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

If you are in a pinch, Al-Anon meetings are great for helping to learn how to detach/disengage emotionally…you don’t have to talk or explain why you are there, and most cities and towns have meetings daily. Good luck to you.

Patsy
Patsy
8 years ago
Reply to  Doop

I reinforce Doop’s suggestion. Al Anon or any other 12 steps programme is the kindest, and most loving way to learn how to accept stuff that is pretty much unbearable, and to let go with kindness – and you don’t even know what you are absorbing. It REALLY helps ramp down the exchanges. All for a $2 donation.

Willowchumpx30
Willowchumpx30
8 years ago
Reply to  Doop

Great info. Thank you! I will look up a location near me.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  Willowchumpx30

If you don’t like the first group you attend, try another. Different groups have different vibes. Keep trying.

seacurlz
seacurlz
8 years ago

Same here!!!! I needed to hear this in so many ways! I even quoted a part of it on my social media…lol I have been very quiet about the whole thing but I’m not carrying the weight of being left by a cheater who was a coward. Thank you so much for always bringing me up when I’m down!!!!

Tiw
Tiw
8 years ago
Reply to  seacurlz

Me too, was feeling sorry for myself, just got back from a walk on the beach. Lucky me, told myself to get over it. I will. be ok, Tracy,you have read my mind, too! Thank you all for being here for all of us!!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

Let me be the first to agree–divorced 5 days and I no longer feel like Atlas, carrying the weight of a dysfunctional marriage (and a dysfunctional man) all by myself.

Yeah!!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Congrats to all the Chumps on your divorces! Yay Tempest!

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

WhoooooooHoooooooTempest!! You are the Woman!

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Congratulations, Tempest! I am late to posting on this today but wish you all the best. Happy Divorce!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Not as late as I am. Congratulations, Tempest. Better days ahead.

Itneverends
Itneverends
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Congrats tempest. I’m newly divorced to 13 days ago and it feels glorious until I got my lawyer bill. I posted on my Facebook page a image of a t-shirt with a check mark next to divorce for all to see I have no shame. Some friends commented that they were sorry to hear that , obviously they were not aware of al, the crap that I went thru to get my divorce and what the x did to me for me to file. Those in my inner circle wrote congrats ……I have no shame and I tell my story to all that want to hear and even though who don’t want to hear.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Itneverends

Itneverends–just divide that lawyer bill over the estimated remaining months of your life (about 79 in the U.S.), and you’ll realize it was a bargain!! Congrats.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Happy for you tempest!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

that should have read life expectancy is about 79, not that you have 79 months left!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Woot! Woot! Free at last, Tempest! I’m three YEARS out and it feels good, baby! 😉

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

congratulations Tempest!!!

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Congrats Tempest!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Congrats Tempest!

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Congrats Tempest! I am seven days out today from my divorce. It’s a relief to at last be sure of my future. And this message is definitely something I needed to read! Of course it is always easier to get through the divorce when you know you cleaned them out!

Chump Change
Chump Change
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Did you clean him out Roberta? Hope so, and a high five! I’m worried mine is hiding $$…

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Yes ma’am! I got everything! He wanted ( demanded) mediation and I was opposed, but my attorney told me the advantages so I thought, okay because if it doesn’t work then we can still go to court! I believe he thought he could do better in mediation and I’m certain his “genius” (NOT) Schmoopie told him to do it! Unfortunately it went very badly for him. He not only gave me what I had asked for the past year, but I was given a few other bonus items! Basically I received 80 percent and he gets to work for the rest of his miserable life! His Schmoopie now will have to support him!

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Congrats, Roberta! I can also say that I did pretty well in mediation back in Oct., too. He took nothing from my 3 retirement funds, nothing from the home, and nothing from the home equity. I thought I was doing much better since the Dec. 30 divorce, but got a letter in the mail last week that the douchebag filed Chapt. 7.

Now, ALL the debt from his “brilliant” rental property business is on ME, even after this asswipe signed legal documents that he would be financially responsible! It’s a house of cards, and this DICK could give a crap less how it’s hurting me and our 14 year old daughter. So, yes, sometimes it feels as if the shame of these whores sticks to us in spite of all we do to maintain our integrity. I sometimes wish it was 9-12 months out, that way I’d already know all the bad news, and can cope better than the daily F-Us I get in the mail, or emails, or phone calls because of how badly he SUCKS!

(((Hugs))) to all of you mighty Chumps. Just want it to be better NOW. =(

free_from_crazy
free_from_crazy
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

I’m a week out from my divorce, too. Still coming to terms with being divorced. Great reminder that sometimes divorce is a good thing!

onthehill
onthehill
8 years ago

On Sunday 3 months for me. It’s FLOWN by and feels better every day.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest – CONGRATULATIONS!!! I’m one month divorced. I hope it feels great for you!

TheUpwardWay
TheUpwardWay
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Congrats Tempest!

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

Hear, hear!
No shame from me– I did the best I could with the information I was provided.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Good comment zyx321. I was so ashamed after 37 years (45 years all up) that I wanted to die, just die because I saw myself as a wife and mother and I loved being both even in the bad times, so that was my whole identity. I am not longer ashamed of course as one has to adjust. I was provided with so much false information I am very lucky I got out with my sanity intact but only just !! 🙂

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

I am not ashamed of divorce, the shame comes from being duped for so many years, for living a lie, for being disposable, replaced and fucked over for a younger, prettier, sexier, smarter, everything I am not upgrade. Excuse me, I want to go and throw up now. (*but… thanks to this blog I am FINALLY seeing through the gas lighting, blame shifting, etc.and slowly growing some ovaries)

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

Willow the shame is theirs!

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Yes. I realize that. Until I have to face the coconspirators-aka the inlaws and man friends.. Plus I don’t know who the AP is so it could be anyone. Sometimes I think it’s a blessing I don’t know who it is, sometimes a curse ( the imagination truly is horrible at times) It’s like everyone knows but me.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

Willow, I spent years blaming the AP and became a great detective. I made it my mission to see them, call them, and blame everything on the AP. This is what I learned:
1. He lied to each and every one of them. He made up stories about how awful I was as a wife.
2. I had enough evidence. He cheated. Knowing every detail nearly destroyed me in the end.
3. There are some things in life you wish you really didn’t have in your head. What my EX ended up with and abandoned his entire family for is a scuzzy whore.
4. Cheaters are disordered. It is about control.
5. You can’t fix the fuckers.
6. They are assholes. The people who support assholes are assholes. Stay clear if assholes
7 never say I can’t believe about a cheaters behavior. They cheated. They lied.
8 you deserve better!
9. File.

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

My only detective work now is finding records of as much money he wasted on whores and AP as I possibly can. Years worth. Hundreds of hotel stays, found out he rented condos for 3mos at a time ( all those business trips to Florida? Nope. Was livin la vida loca.) I want to plop down that stack (and believe me, it is a STACK) and get as much back as I can. It has been ten months of digging up financials and I am still not done. I have yet to go back and dig into bank transactions. I don’t want to know the sordid details of the affair unless it helps me in court. Or destroys him. Believe me, I don’t want it imprinted in my mind what he did and said to her/them.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Love #6

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

These are stories you tell yourself. I, too, used to think he suddenly became sexier, smarter, all the things I wanted him to be with me. But he’s the same man, with the same problems. She’s probably crying herself to sleep every night, or will be. Me? I’m free.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

willowchumpx30, the co-conspirators in my situation are my 35 year old daughter and my 32 year old son. They can no longer face me and treat me like dirt.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, My ex spent so many years degrading me and had my adult children believing his distorted view of reality, often helping the asshole. It took awhile but they finally realized he discarded them also. These guys get worse and start falling apart. Hopefully your children will figure it out.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Then take care of yourself and think about what Maree would do if she had no such history. You are still a mother, but don’t need to be a wife. How exciting to write a new chapter!

Mehbound
Mehbound
8 years ago

Thank you Chump Lady for wonderful words of wisdom relating to the big D. This will be year 3 marking my divorce. Your pep talk touched my heart. Brave, noble, self worth are words of truth.

LilyBart
LilyBart
8 years ago

Being married to a cheater, watching my life as I knew it fall apart, going through the divorce process: Those things all sucked. They sucked hard.

Being divorced: Amazing. I feel like I was dragging a heavy log up a mountain like Rocky in “Rocky IV.” And now that the chains are cut, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

Divorce needs better PR.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
8 years ago
Reply to  LilyBart

Hear! Hear! Lilybart… divorce needs better PR. Kick his sorry ass to the curb and feel like you have helium balloons tied to you. How great is that.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  LilyBart

LilyBart,

Like a surgery, divorce can bring forth some very good things even though it is painful in the execution. Who ever starts a marriage saying they want to be cheated on and have to divorce the arrogant cheater?

Personally, I am so thankful that I was divorced. No more “heavy log” as you put it. Mine was tied to constant anxiety regarding (my now ex) spouse. Now, I have a new beginning with a new and wonderful family. Divorce paved the way for this “atmosphere” change, if you will. I call it a true mercy from God now.

DM

Susan
Susan
8 years ago

I’m almost there… It will be about another month before the papers are signed and I’m already thinking how I’m going to celebrate. One of my friends said that upon signing her papers, her guy friends took her out for martinis and then bundled her into a cab and sent her home telling her to take the next day off. For me, I’m thinking of treating myself to a piece of jewelry so that every time I look at it I can remember how strong I was and the battle I survived!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

A while back, several CL posters said they had gotten a new ring for their middle fingers. I like that idea!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I got two silver rings, one for each index finger. The one on my left hand is inscribed, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” The one on my right hand says, “Love Life” on the outside of the ring, and on the inside is, “Be Strong.” I liked that so much I had “Love Life” tattooed on my ankle. I plan on getting a phoenix rising from the ashes tattooed on my hip one of these days as well.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GladIO–after what you survived, you deserve a full-body tattoo of a phoenix.

I love the inscriptions on your rings. Very inspiring.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I love the idea of a middle finger freedom ring! Paying off debt first, then I’m getting one.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  CRHCHK

I’m looking at one from TJMaxx for only $35; it’s the statement.

lolatoo
lolatoo
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hahaha, a ring for the middle finger…I love it!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  lolatoo

When you care enough to say the very best!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Freedom rings are great. And when I later married a former chump, we took our old wedding rings and our cheaters old rings and sold them to help pay for the wedding. It was symbolic, of course, but boy did that feel good! I gave my freedom ring to my new stepdaughter during the ceremony.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

jewelry is great– I sold my rings (engagement, wedding, and promise), had the stones removed, and designed a beautiful pendant that the jeweler made for me. I love it.

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Well… I can’t afford new jewelry so I’m getting myself a new tattoo “With pain comes strength”. It has a double meaning for me, I’ve already mentioned a few times that my cheaterpants walked out 6 days after my being diagnosed with breast cancer. I survived both fights simultaneously… pretty much alone (without meds) and somehow came out with my mind in tact and standing upright!! Whew!! My younger sister says I’m a beast lol 😀

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

You’re sister is 100% correct! You are a beast and if you survived both those things simultaneously then you can tackle any challenge that comes your way.

Congrats!

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Oh NC! So sorry to hear that your scumbag walked out and you battled breast cancer! I can connect, I had a diagnosis of lung cancer and my POS Kept stringing me along and boomaranging back to me BUT only to gain something for himself! The last straw was during my first recovery from surgery. I picked up his phone and found emails between him, his lawyer and the HO. The jist was they were assessing damage control and how it would “look” to other people of he moved in with his paramour and I died!! I have to say it was horrific to see, but after nearly two years of his BS I wasn’t surprised! So, that’s all I needed to boot him out for the last time!!! I don’t regret it at all!!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Sweet Jesus, Roberta…..what an asshole! We hear all kinds of crazy stuff on here and from our own spouses but sometimes you catch something that really makes you nauseous. And your X, his lawyer and the OW make me want to barf!
Thank God you got away from that mess!

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

WTF?? Seriously…. you just can NOT make this shit up….. astounding. They are just the absolute bottom of the barrel aren’t they??

Good for you Roberta!! No regrets is right!! Me either!! I’m sad that it all turned out this way…. but I’m glad I didn’t do the “pick me dance”. I did the “stand up and tell the truth or get the f*ck out” dance.

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Thank you all very much 😀 I guess… I should mention that… according to him I “pushed” him out the door (blew a gasket about the affair and let loose a barrage of truths I had been withholding) and I guess the poor sausage’s EGO could not withstand the honesty…. he DID offer to stick by me through ALL of it…. but it was obvious to me that he was planning on sticking with OW simultaneously too…. so… being the asshole that I am…. I said “ummmm thanks, but no thanks, you couldn’t possibly have any love for me…why would I want you to stay?” Ho hum…. ever so ungrateful I am…. I just can’t help myself. Yes… double mastectomy in December and just had my final reconstruction surgery last week…. for the record… they turned out fabulous!!!

All of this…. surrounded by Thanksgiving…. and Christmas…. I was devastated to say the least, couldn’t even understand where any more tears could possibly come from. After what he put me through, I swear I could make it through almost anything. I worried more about my poor little boy than anything else, didn’t have much time to worry about myself, also probably a good thing. I think it was a blessing, having SO much going on at one time kept me from focusing too much on any one thing lol.

Hugs & Good JuJu to all my fellow chumps <3 <3 OORAH!!!

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Sorry to be late with this but I secu the “You are an inspiration”!

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

“I second”not “I secu”

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

You are amazing NC.! You are an inspiration!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Good deal! That’s doing it the hard way, but your way. To let someone get their pity on with an OW at the expense of their ill wife is pretty nasty. Just saying no is better.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

NCS – wow, you rock! Yes, I got a tattoo too! Thus my name Marked711. After surviving suicidal thought in the first few days after she said she was leaving me, I knew I would survive. I got a Phoenix rising from a flaming unconditional love heart. It’s on my left pectoral. It’s really cool and it reminds me every morning that I will always rise from the ashes. I survived.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

NC!!!! You’re a Daryl Dixon style badass!!!! My hat is off to you!

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I suppose it would be off putting to any future mates, if I have my ring finger encircled with a tattoo that says, Never Again!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

Ringinon.. It might have the opposite effect–they’ll view you as a challenge and the offers will come pouring in!

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Every loser/tosser on the planet… I already have animal magnetism for that type. 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

I know what you mean–my mother used to say I was a sucker for lost causes (though even she was buffaloed by my X).

BothFeet
BothFeet
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

You’re amazing! Rock on with your bad self!

I got a tattoo after my divorce and I love it. I got a tattoo of a peacock feather on my left ribs (of course I pick the most painful place to get a tattoo for my first tattoo). It reminds me of what I’ve survived and how grateful I am for the new life I’m building.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  BothFeet

BothFeet… you be a badass yourself…. that IS definitely the most painful (tender) place for a tattoo…. especially the first. I have 2 tattoo’s already, both in memory of my niece, neither of which is on my rib cage lol. I have witnessed people getting tattoo’s there…. again… definitely THE most painful.

We should all have “Survivor” tattooed on our asses!!!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Love the tattoo idea and congratulations on surviving both. You are The Awesome. But simultaneously? What a coward to run away just at the time you needed some serious support. What a dirt bag. I sometimes think I was lucky to have already been divorced when I was diagnosed with TNBC, because I don’t think my ex would have allowed me to take care of that the way I needed to. It was, after all, NOT ABOUT HIM.

itsAJourney
itsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

I’m in awe. You ARE a beast… and an inspiration.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

NCStevie–You are a mighty bad ass, in the best way possible! congrats!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Your younger sister is 100 percent correct. (((HUGS)))

Susan
Susan
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

You are a beast! Congratulations for a surviving and I wish all good things for you! A tattoo is a great idea!

chumpfor21
chumpfor21
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan – jewelry is always a good idea. I got a freedom ring – I love it. And my idiot never bought me an engagement ring (or any jewelry) so it symbolizes that I love ME!

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpfor21

I LOVE it!! Let freedom ring 🙂

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

I bought an empty little bird cage to hang in my window. This bird will soar!

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpfor21

I bought myself a ring, too. It’s gorgeous and much nicer than anything that cheap POS ever gave me.

chumpfor21
chumpfor21
8 years ago

There is a stigma to divorce – especially for women. I continue to be stunned when asked details of why “I am single” at this age…..by folks that really have no business asking. Of course, I do not dissolve in the rebelling of the sordid tale. I did look the latest inquirer in the eyeball (after church) and said, “I was abandoned”. It stopped her in her tracks but she drifted away as if I had a disease.
It’s funny, no one asks how a women of “this age” managed to be retired, or managed to raise 2 successful and amazing sons…..it’s as if those achievements are not as great as being married.

I get it – no one wants to see the pain. I just wish that I wasn’t an object of pity or …..fear. I think it’s fear I see in those questions. But CL is right – I took a big hit and I’m still standing – better than standing. I’m walking down MEH road very briskly.

Mikky
Mikky
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpfor21

You should reply- I’m not single, I’m free!

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
8 years ago
Reply to  Mikky

I like this. Thank you, Mikky, I now have a new response.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpfor21

Next time someone asks, just say “Good judgment.”

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpfor21

I think sometimes the ‘why are you single?’ query is actually meant kindly – I’ve been asked how such a great person as me could be single! But it’s one of those awkward social things that people just have to stop saying (like some of the stuff people say in the face of bereavement).

And hey, why IS such a great person as me single??? ‘Cause my ex is an idiot, and I haven’t met the ‘next’ husband yet. Oooooh, that doesn’t sound good, does it???? Gotta work on that!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I’m getting a lot of, “Are you seeing anyone yet?” Like that’s my ultimate goal; to be hitched to someone else’s wagon.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
8 years ago

I get asked that, too, and it irritates me. Being single and carefree rocks!

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpfor21

It’s a lot of fear, and I also think a lot of bullying. Don’t feel obligated to share anything about yourself with someone who doesn’t need to know. Was her tone judgemental? You could just reply, with a knowing twinkle, “It’s a long story with a happy ending. I’m pretty resilient.” Or you could laugh and say, “Wow! Are you always so direct?” Keep smiling, and also keep your friends close.

kimmy
kimmy
8 years ago

Rock that shit CL!!!!!! Damn straight to all of the above!

I am approaching the one year mark of my divorce and it remains the VERY BEST THING I have ever done for myself!!!! While drop kicking dumb ass to the curb…….I gained back my self respect!!!!!!

NO SHAME!

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago

Amen, sister. I do carry a bit of shame about the label, but then I’m all, Maury Povich-like, “You don’t KNOW me!” Anyone who knows me knows that I am pretty A-ok.

Divorce was not part of my culture until I met my ex husband, and I hate what he did to my children’s family. I feel a little shame that I chose their father, that I was married to a loser coward. What does that make me? Divorced.

Not that I revel in it, since I deeply value and honor marriage, but I know many people who wear the distinction of being Married, but whose relationships seem, mmmm…stressed. I’d rather be divorced.

My favorite is when people exclaim in outrageous indignation, “Who would leave YOU???” Or, “THAT’S your ex??” I tell them that my ex’s new thing is really pretty, on the outside. That generally elicits a snort. Which feels awesome, and the shame melts away. The best revenge really is living well. Be your best self. Find and do what you love.

atmeh
atmeh
8 years ago

“still screwing the OW, getting stumbling drunk, and threatening me, and my biggest worry was — will I be the freak?”
This made me laugh today! love you Chump Lady

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  atmeh

Yes at meh I agree! I would add that I worried my children and grandaughter would believe the blame shifting bullshit he fed them while fucking a sleaze before DDay. He cut off his wedding band and told my daughter it broke and asked to move in with her because we wernt getting along. This was while he was telling me he loved me while in bed with a slut. My therapist was amazing and told me to let it play out and sure enough his mask was removed for all to see. He dumped our children and grandaughter and doesn’t see anyone. He says he’s working. I was told he was reinventing himself and going through an identity crisis a teenager experiences by my therapist. My oldest daughter asked why he gave them all 100 for Christmas but didn’t spend any time with them. They have figured it out. It’s hard to sort through everything initially and the anxiety and fear take over. It is crystal clear now to our family that he is very much disturbed. The true freak was revealed.

Fireball
Fireball
8 years ago

Perfect words once again. Im in the divorce process and thats crappy as well. I am simply saying that my adoring cheater husband preferred cheating and porn over me and the family. That usually shuts up the nosy ones.

Im getting ready for the divorce comments…..I have some ammunition now. Looking forward to MEH land!

freedom2live
freedom2live
8 years ago

This is wonderful and so very true. I do not feel shame for being divorced. I still do though feel some shame for staying so long with an abusive man. Trying very hard to forgive myself for that part.

He tried to hurt me through a text the other day, “I have only been married once but this is your second divorce.”

He has only been divorced once because he has never been able to maintain a “relationship” for longer than 2 years. The others saw through him more quickly than I.

Now if I start to have that “missing you” feeling I conjure up the screaming man child or the adolescent jerking off to porn.

I am proud of myself now for believing in me.

Thank you for your writing. It validates my experience, thoughts and actions in a way that nothing else has.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
8 years ago
Reply to  freedom2live

Me, too, freedom. I have a whole thing I need to work through about forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated so badly for so long by a verbally and emotionally abusive man. It’s hard but I’m getting there.

As painful as it was, his cheating was my golden ticket out!

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Flowerlady

Flowerlady, exactly! If I hadn’t discovered my Ex’s cheating, I would still be being abused right now. It was indeed my ticket to freedom and to getting my LIFE back!

freedom2live
freedom2live
8 years ago
Reply to  Flowerlady

Hi Flowerlady, it is a whole tangled mess when you finally “see” who they really are. As I am away from him now the memories that come up of the abuse are a bit shocking! How did I not see it then??? How could I accept “I’m sorry” over and over with no change from him?

I agree about the golden ticket. It was the final abuse that crossed the line. After the first affair, I changed, I demanded from him real change. I finally saw that he just was not capable of being a good person with character. Took way too long though.

I cannot wait to arrive at “meh”.

SixYearChump
SixYearChump
8 years ago
Reply to  freedom2live

Meh cannot come soon enough for me. Still not sleeping through the night; haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 3 mos.

F2L: I’m with you – – It makes my head spin when I think of the fictional person I fell in love with, had sex with, shared my life with, vs. the horrible person he’s turned out to be. A whole life that I built turned out to be just a house of cards that he and his ho-worker took down with one blow (job). [Actually, I’m quite sure it was much more than that. I had to stop the pick-me dance before I got more trickle-truth than that.]

FL: “I have a whole thing I need to work through about forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated so badly for so long by a verbally and emotionally abusive man. It’s hard but I’m getting there.” THIS. We accept all of their shit because we love them, faults and all, and we’re repaid with cheating.

We will get through this. Bring on the Meh.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  SixYearChump

Six year chump I have often thought of that moment when he made that choice to go for the blow job and disassemble our family and entire life. Now that I am divorced I pray some day he will recall that very moment and be tortured when the infatuation subsides and reality bursts his magical balls.

fbi
fbi
8 years ago

I don’t think I ve ever cared what people think. Maybe this is due to where I live,
( canada)people are more tolerant. I have 2 kids from different fathers and never got married. No one ever bats an eyelash at that. I knew I wanted kids but no necessarily stay with the fathers forever. I never was a romantic and didn’t understand why people got so upset when a relationship didn’t work. I thought it was simple to just move on. Unfortunately this changed when I met the love of my life. Perhaps I did find out what it was to love someone other than extentions of yourself and that’s a great experience but it also brought me such heartache. I found out he was a liar and cheater. If I could go back in time I would have walked right past him and stayed clear of trouble. It’s caused me too much grief and I still don’t have all the answers to my doubts and questions. I’m still trying to figure it out….

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

Me either fbi, you and I are soul sisters 😀 I have 2 kids from different father’s and never married. I’ve been “full on” chumped by two men, both the father’s of my children; once in my early 20’s and most recently in my late 40’s, both were lying cheating bags of shit but were different in other ways. Both of these relationships lasted 8 years and I’m sure it was the fact that my choices would affect my children that made me try EVERYTHING possible to work it out before throwing in the towel…. I can move forward knowing that I can tell my son some day that I did my absolute very best and he was always first in my heart.

fbi
fbi
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Hi ncstevie u say that both were liars. Can I ask u a question? What and how did they lie about? I am asking u this because I m so not a hypocrite so I have a hard time understanding how someone could lie to the person they love. I have all these clues about my boyfriend cheating only a few times hard evidence but he always denies anything. It’s really frustrating. I have very good instincts and not an alarmist

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

Hey fbi ~ I would have to say that the more recent Narc was the bigger liar. Most of the outright lies were in regard to every aspect of the “affair” he arranged to have himself positioned so he could meet up with her in another town a few hours away (made a few phone calls & got himself a “request” to guest judge a show) and lied about that…. he lied and tried convincing me there was no romantic interest…… he lied about the “nature” of their conversations….. lied about the context when I’d seen with my own eyes…. lied about them “stopping” the affair…. asshole even bought another phone plan for the two of them with two new phones…. idiot. And he LIES about “facts”….. things that took place during our time together….. as if I weren’t there and don’t know better. Wtf? I swear…. I’m not sure if that part is just lying… or if it’s their delusional thinking, trying to downplay their own shit show. Example: he AVOIDS dealing with people when he owes them money, instead of telling them it will be a few days… he ignores their phone calls, it’s ridiculous…. and then when I call him out on it he’ll say “well, that simply isn’t true.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Lunatic.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Oh… and the biggie…. I almost forgot…. upon discovery of his EA last year… I called his ex-wife (she and I have a great friendship now) and I flat out asked her “Was he cheating on you? Is that why you left him?” I always wondered because their youngest was only 11 months old when she left and filed for divorce. She basically said that “yes” she caught him cheating when their youngest was 6 months old… and that was just the excuse she needed to get free of him. She had put up with years of the same shit I have… lies… hiding money…. selfishness…. addictions.

When I caught him cheating this time…. and I confronted him I said “oh for God sakes… you STILL won’t admit that you cheated on Abby (fake name to protect the innocent)!!!” and his response “I did not cheat on her, it was already over…. why don’t you call and ask her!” I said “I already HAVE… where do you think I got my information?” Of course, upon her story not jiving the way he wanted…. she was a liar too. Every one else is a liar…. not him. Whatever… again…. lunatic.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

fbi–Information is power. By lying to you, the cheater holds the power to him/herself. That way, they are able to (a) know something you don’t and thus have something over you, (b) cause you to feel pain or consternation at not knowing, which also makes them feel in control.

Don’t expect logical explanations about fucktards anymore than you expect a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, so sad but so true.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
8 years ago

Thanks, CL. This is awesome! Cheers to you and to all of us who have made it to the other side (and to those who are working on it)!!!

Lovingmyself
Lovingmyself
8 years ago

Bless you ChumpLady!

SharedMarriage
SharedMarriage
8 years ago

When people ask me if I am married, I say I am no longer married… then they always ask why… I just say my husband was in to sharing and I wasn’t… I stopped counting at woman number 150 and decided who cares how many, he is a disgusting human being who no longer deserves to be in the same room as me…

D-Day is next week and in July I will be divorced a year… rock on Chumps!!!

People still tell me that it is my fault and if I had just been more attentive and less career driven… and I just smile… because thanks to Chump Lady I know better than that!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  SharedMarriage

“People still tell me that it is my fault and if I had just been more attentive and less career driven… and I just smile… because thanks to Chump Lady I know better than that!”

Wait, your husband balled 150 other women, yet somehow it’s YOUR fault the marriage ended? What the hell is wrong with those people?
My ex admitted to having sex with hundreds of other men, and although he did claim that it was MY fault he did so, no one else ever seemed to agree.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Idiots always claim it is the chump’s fault. When that didn’t fly with my kids or the general public, mine is now claiming that “there were marital problems that he dealt with badly by falling back on a crutch.”

Yes, marital problems = “you are an entitled narcissistic a**hole who took advantage of my good will and loyalty”
“crutch” = the grad whore you banged for several months and then took on a trip to Mexico (plus the other loose women you’ve crawled in the sack with since then)

Irish
Irish
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, he meant to say he fell back on a crotch. Lol

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Irish

LOL!

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Touche’ Irish, awesome 😀

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  SharedMarriage

Sorry, but 150 women screams PATHOLOGY, not “my wife was too wrapped up in her career.” Tell the cheater apologists to kiss your business-suit-bedecked ass.

fbi
fbi
8 years ago
Reply to  SharedMarriage

Hi shared marriage I was wondering how in hell did u figure out it was over 150 women? This is an outrageous amount of cheating. My heart goes out to you and you are better off away from such a monster! !

SharedMarriage
SharedMarriage
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

The swinger he had an affair with for 2 years told me about quite a few, and then his previous boss gave me his online presence on South Africa’s version of Ashley Madison… he was meeting with 2 to 3 woman a week at lunchtime over a 7 year period. So I just did some maths… but 6 proper affairs… (that I know of)

And I was clueless, he was always home on time, attentive funny husband… he worked Saturdays so I never questioned that all though it appears he wasn’t working… so this man was a real psycho living so many different lives.

It is 8 months since the divorce, he is engaged and I am yet to be brave enough to go on a date… but I am getting stronger every day and living my authentic life.

thensome
thensome
8 years ago

Thank you CL for this. I came from a divorced family and I really did not want this for myself or my family. However, cheating is a deal breaker for me and he knew it. So I’m getting a divorce. And it’s true that I have learned a lot and grieved a lot. I wouldn’t go back to that marriage. Getting a divorce has saved my sanity and yeah, he’s stumbling around drunk somewhere.

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago

Love it! Although I am fine about telling people I’m divorced, at first, I was so shellshocked from the process itself, I couldn’t even say the words. I felt like that blobfish when the papers were signed and executed—I still couldn’t even go into his office in the house, because I was never “allowed” in there without his permission. Took me weeks.

But then, I gathered up every single thing that had any connotation of him—and donated it all to the Catholic Charities. Everyone thought I was insane—or just still grieving so hard I couldn’t think right. Nope….it was purging and cathartic.

Nobody but one person gave me shit about getting divorced…his mother. Not because it was un-Christian, but because she was afraid she wasn’t going to get the “heirloom” engagement ring back from me if the atmosphere was hostile. She didn’t get it back. 🙂

Didn’t have a lot of furniture after that, but hey. 🙂 We had beds to sleep in and a roof over our heads and food on the table.

I don’t talk much about the details, except for on here some—but when I’m asked, I am not “single”. I am DIVORCED and happy!

Chumped in Chicago
Chumped in Chicago
8 years ago

I don’t know if there’s any right or wrong answer here. Your cousin phrased it in an ambiguous way to garner some type of support. This is how many people convey information, or lack thereof, on facebook. So, I get the “hang in there” comments, but you, you know what’s going on with her and I congratulate the way you approached it too.

I wouldn’t worry about oversharing something like this on facebook. Everyone that knows her will know that she’s divorced eventually – and truly – if she’s not turning the page yet (from grief to moving on) then eventually she will…and your “onward and upward” comment will take on the meaning it was meant in.

Best to you.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward
8 years ago

Facebook is the land of the fake, the home of the cowards.

It leaves its users only some of the parts of social interaction with easy names. The crappy, kibbley parts.

It doesn’t count as support if no one has any idea who it really is that they’re supporting, and why.

“Social media” makes its users lonely.

Sasanka
Sasanka
8 years ago

Amen to this!
I’m separated four months and feel a whole lot better already. Can’t wait to be called divorced from my abusive ex-narc. Shame…yes, over how far I went and how low I stooped to ‘keep this bondage not marriage’ and for all the wrong reasons like pride, fear, ‘kids’…11 years. Almost lost my mind, and did lose some health, teeth, a whole lot of dignity, all money, credit you name it. But piecing my personhood and life slowly together. Calling the cops finally was the best decision I ever made a few years ago…but I have a feeling that this will be the best decision yet. 🙂 Dreams of freedom..:)
Thanks, guys, Tracy and everyone, you have been my lifeline and courage to go through with this.

amjive
amjive
8 years ago

Can I hear an AMEN!!!
Yeah yeah!!!

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago
Reply to  amjive
Lina
Lina
8 years ago

I don’t know why, but I still feel ashamed and embarrassed. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Maybe because of his walking out and filing on me like I was garbage. It’s so painful.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina–pain, I get. Ashamed? Nope. You did everything a healthy person is supposed to do–trusted, loved, committed to the marriage. What did he do? belittled you, cheated on you, exhibited total lack of empathy or commitment. He sucks, you rock.

And you should be angry. Who the f*ck does he think he is to just walk all over you and think he can get away with it. You’re a warm, contributing member of society; he’s an air thief using up valuable oxygen the rest of us could use.

If you can, find some local group as support. Even if it only meets once a week for coffee, it will do you a world of good just to make extra connections.

Hugs to you.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thank you all! I guess I’m waiting for my heart to catch up with my head. I’m smart enough to know I shouldn’t waste another second feeling bad over him but I still cry.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Remember the crying will heal you. There are actually stress hormones in tears, so you’re ok. Let yourself cry over promises broken, the unfairness of life, but not over him… No, HE isn’t worth it. But you are. Do what you need to do to heal, then move on to a better you.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

“an air thief using up valuable oxygen”

Tempest is on the money here. When you cry, Lina, cry because you were mistreated. Nurture yourself. Then realize your worth and be angry that you were mistreated. See that you treat yourself better, and require others to do the same.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina, I also felt this way. XH left me for a 25 year old waitress, just as I was about to turn 50. God bless my therapist because as I sat crying in his office one day (early on), I sobbed, “I’m just so embarrassed..,” he said, “What are YOU embarrassed about? Have you done something shameful?”

We live in a small town and it’s easy for people to know all three of us (me, XH, OW), and I think I felt “embarrassed” for getting old and being unworthy of his continued (? was it ever there?) love and commitment.

But of course it is he who should be embarrassed (XH, not MC), for lying, cheating, casting aside promises made to someone whose heart he held in his hands….

I am most certainly not embarrassed anymore. I’ve come to realize the divorce is just something that happened to me, like an earthquake. I’m actually pretty awesome for NOT having driven off that cliff in Oregon, or used the box-cutter for nefarious means as I was contemplating one particularly dark evening. — Here I am, out the other side, safe as houses. And when people ask, I tell them XH “traded me in for a younger model.” He’s the dick, not me.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

He traded down to a CHEAP model. Period.

Couldn’t handle a high performance engine.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Thanks, jane. He never even really got her out of the driveway! 😉

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblio, I’m late posting because I had a super busy work day but it’s obvious that your EX is an idiot!! don’t let the age thing become your hangup… he didn’t leave you BECAUSE of your age! My cheater was 5 years younger than me. He traded down for a woman one year OLDER than me. Though I wholeheartedly believe that if I had not caught him, he never planned to leave me as I was a reliable gravy train for him. I sense that about your ex too. So good riddance to them!! Your posts shine brightly with your personality which is as full of life and wisdom as can be. That baby-aged OW is no match for you!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Not to quibble, but he did. I’m sure of it. I think he’s terrified of getting old himself. According to him, this whole thing started when he was at his dad’s 70th birthday party — there’s a picture of him (ex-FIL) doing a handstand on the beer keg. The apple hasn’t fallen far from that tree, for sure. And there were issues we had, which I can trace to his concerns about me getting older. I wasn’t wallowing in inpt. In fact, I’ve taken pretty good care of myself. I run, swim, do yoga, take an occasional ballet class… But on out trip to turkey recently, the waiter asked him if I was his mother — he looked like … Well, he was horrified.
To me, aging is inevitable (sure beats the alternative), and I embrace it. I like who I am and what I know and the wisdom from my life experiences. But that’s all stodgy to him. Whatever.

Kathy
Kathy
8 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblio…. He traded down to younger, Cheaper model. As did mine.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
8 years ago
Reply to  Kathy

And dumber, and less accomplished and capable, prettier, more alcoholic… I.AM.FREE!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

Those shiny new things never do have what was tossed away. That is why the most shameless of the cheaters look over their shoulders and think they can get the more dependable older model back. The correct answer is “No Thanks!”

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina, part of how you feel is because that’s how he WANTED you to feel. His one last chance to beat you down and control you, while he looked good. Try not to let him have that power over you.

Remind yourself that the feeling is NOT the reality. You were honest and caring, he wasn’t. He cheated, you didn’t. He treated you like garbage, that does NOT mean you are garbage; it says something about HIM, not about you.

If it’s hard to believe, think about whether you would EVER tell any of the other chumps here that they deserved to be cheated on, they deserved the end of their marriages, that they deserved to be dropped the way they were. Then try to apply the same kindness and compassion you would show other chumps to yourself. Keep reminding yourself, you can feel better in time.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Thank you KarenE. You make so much sense and I know you’re right. I guess I am harder on myself than others because I would never ever tell any other Chump they deserved it or should be ashamed. I feel righteously angry for them. My therapist asks me why I’m not angry for myself. We’re working on that and my self esteem. Right now I just feel sad.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina, some of that sadness is your anger turned inward. In the beginning at least, I think we all feel sadness for the loss of the make-believe world we participated in. One thing I do is imagine my story as a movie. Who is the hero? Who is the bad guy? Where would my sympathy lie? And inevitably, I see that from the outside, I wasn’t dumped like garbage. I was attacked by a predator and survived. You too.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LAJ–Awesome!! I’m with Chump Princess, “Attacked by a predator & survived” t-shirts all around.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I would definitely buy one of those t-shirts! 🙂

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

Me too!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

” I wasn’t dumped like garbage. I was attacked by a predator and survived.”

That is so perfect LAJ. Thank you for that. There need to be T-Shirts, cups, magnets, napkins and bumper stickers emblazoned with that.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina, I think everyone mourns the lost time and energy they invested in scumbag cheaters. The anger comes when you realize that the slot machine you married was NEVER going to produce a jackpot, and KNEW it was never going to produce a jackpot, and kept taking your time, effort and money anyway, just because it could. Sure, it might make pleasing noises, blink it’s lights and toss you a couple of coins from time to time, but that was just to keep you in your chair. When you find your anger, you’ll get up and go do something rewarding for you, and it will feel really good. Hugs to you.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Thank you. I hope I find it soon!

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina, you haven’t done anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Hold your head high. The pain will eventually subside. This journey that we are all on is a slow one but we all get to meh in our own way. I hope you have support around you?

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Thank you Maree. It is so slow. I don’t have much support but have a therapist. My Dad is with me but he is 91 and has Alzheimer’s and I try to keep my pain from him. He doesn’t need this ruining the last few years of his life.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina, I tried to post but it got lost in cyber space!! I know the effects that Alzheimer’s has on families but if it is any consolation, you still have your lovely dad with you. Lean on your therapist for support as you need a lot at present. I hope you also have a good friend or 2 to support you, even if it is to listen when you are feeling down. It will get better Lina and keep with Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I don’t know where I would be without both.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Thank you. X

Most of my friends are overseas but they are very supportive and check on me by email. No one here. I’m so grateful for this community.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago

Congrats Tempest!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Thanks!!

jobin
jobin
8 years ago

I was astounded at the faked ‘oh my stars and garters!’ when I even very vaguely HINTED at infidelity on the dreaded FB. We had separated and I was simply asking that people not make things worse by resorting to taking sides and gossiping, that we were doing our best in a bad situation.

My mistake was saying ‘something happened that I have tried to get past, but found I couldn’t’.

You would have thought I painted a scarlet letter on her. How dare I do such a thing! The confusing part for me – in the next breathe I was told ‘you don’t have to say anything, everyone knows what happened…’

What a massive mindfuck this whole business is.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  jobin

Jobin, yeah. I know what you mean. What you said was not at all offensive. The truth is just too hard for these cheaters to acknowledge. Mine spent months accusing me of “character assassination” (his words) for simply telling people “Ex and I broke up because he cheated on me.” It was true and I had every right to say so. But as others have pointed out, the cheaters also want to control the narrative.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  jobin

Jobin–Screw ’em. Truth is worth promoting (one of the key virtues and all). If they didn’t want their behavior condemned by others, they shouldn’t have done it.

Mine is upset that our kids know what he did. His problem; I’m not owning up to being the cause of the divorce when he poured gasoline and set the thing on fire.

Accountability.

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago
Reply to  jobin

I posted a link on Facebook to the song by Sam Smith “I’m Not The Only One” one night when I was out… I got a text “Are you SERIOUS??” He had NO remorse for ANY thing he put me through…. deliberately for months… and I’M supposed to care that he was embarrassed?? Not embarrassed that he DID it….. not enough to QUIT…. just enough to not TELL anyone. Who gives a crap. They are nothing but a mindfuck, only problem is that we have a hard time catching on because it is just so undeniably incomprehensible to us chumps. My mind just does NOT work that way… and I for one am thankful for that!!

SixYearChump
SixYearChump
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

NCS: the same thing happened to me re: Facebook. I’m apparently supposed to shut up and protect his image. Mine also is without remorse. And without heart.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  SixYearChump

My younger sister has claimed the position of “mortal enemy of the asshat” and I don’t even have to post anything… she does it all and enjoys it. She suffered the worst tragedy any Mother should have to, I lost my only niece over 4 years ago, ever since then… my sister went from low bullshit filter….. to NO bullshit filter. She doesn’t hide her disdain for him at all. She does reign in her hatred a bit…. but only because I have to remind her that we are all friends with the kids too. Her posts are just the bad humor ones…. snarky and covert. Makes her feel a little better and keeps me giggling 😀

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  SixYearChump

Not only was I not to talk about it I was expected to sit quietly in the corner and wait for him to be healed. When he realised I would not take the blame and shoulder the responsibilities for his actions I instantly became his enemy. I am 4 days post divorce. People can think what they like. It’s my life and I’m free. He told me a week ago that he never asked for my forgiveness because he didn’t need it. And I don’t need his poor excuse for a marriage.

chumpittychumpchump
chumpittychumpchump
8 years ago
Reply to  SixYearChump

Fuck that. If it is not bad enough to do, then it is not bad enough to talk about. Yell it to the rooftops. Fuck that.

onthehill
onthehill
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

I was thinking the other day that Sam Smith’s song should be Chump Nation’s Anthem!

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

I found one yesterday…. “Cry” by Faith Hill ………… I think this one is even better 😀

Check it out if you like….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KRSL1Fl-oU

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie729

Wow… sorry…. that is HUGE….. didn’t mean to do that lol 🙁

Nina
Nina
8 years ago

Funny how often I come here and feel something was written directly to me. I just got word by email from my attorney yesterday that my divorce is final. While I understand the well-intentioned “congratulations”, it was news I received with mixed emotions. It felt like the culmination of a series of painful events perpetrated against me. I am glad to be free. I’ve felt that from the outset as well as knowing that all of his actions are a reflection on him, not me. But the collateral damage, e.g., losing a sense of family, dealing with friends and family that judge and will never understand, and the feeling like I failed somehow even though I know intellectually I did nothing wrong, has been painful. Overall, I am happier being free and know I’ve acted with integrity during this whole ordeal. I am so grateful that a friend referred me to your site early on. You,Tracy, and this community have been such a source of strength and solace. Thank you!

Doop
Doop
8 years ago
Reply to  Nina

Nina, I’ll extend to you my heartfelt “congratolences.”

It felt peculiar to be congratulated on the end of a marriage I had cherished. Something I had loved was now dead, and was to be mourned. My condolences to you for that.

But, I also appreciated the congratulations on moving past the horrible treatment that led to its end, and marking the start of a new life. My congratulations to you for operating with integrity throughout a painful process experience you did not seek to have imposed on you.

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  Doop

I also had a terrible day when the divorce was final. Nope – sure didn’t want congratulations but people were sweet and said and wrote nice things like…finally, the rest of your life will start. I wasn’t ready for that at all. Never wanted the divorce. But, now that I’m so much closer to Meh, one year later – I’m gonna throw myself a big party in the new (old) house I just bought and about to begin renos on. Mr SheChump – who? This does feel good and yes, you will move on. Something I never believed in the early stages. And…drum roll…here I am…sort of arriving in my new life.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  Nina

Only now, almost a year from Dday, can I start to perceive the “congratulations” in my divorce. To me, it’s still a bit sad that two adults weren’t able to sit down and maturely work out their differences, work toward a better finale, were that inevitable. Of course, the key word there is “work,” which was never XH’s strong suit.

This is, though, a new chance, whether we chose or wanted it or not. I see that much more clearly now. Initially, I thought it meant I could just get fat and no one who just met me would even know that I hadn’t always been fat. You know, superficial stuff. But …. it’s a world of opportunity. And I can just choose whatever path I want. Sure, the option of being a star for the Joffrey Ballet is no longer in the cards, but … well, lots of options. “Congratulations”? Still too harsh for me, but I’ll take any positive vibes coming my way. And anyone who thinks XH is a jerk, well, those are bonus points.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks, CL — I’ll take that one to the bank! 🙂

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago
Reply to  Nina

All totally understandable Nina, it is still a loss to us… even if we KNOW we are better off in the long run and we understand they are disordered. We still loved these disordered pieces of sham and even when you reach the point of understanding the “why” it doesn’t change everything that you “lose” or give up once it all disintegrates. It is all still painful.

Wishing you hugs & good juju 😀

Karma Express
Karma Express
8 years ago
Reply to  Nina

Nina, congratulations on your divorce, though I know it’s with mixed emotions. When it finally sinks in, I hope the emotions swing more towards the happiness of being free.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago

This post is thought-provoking for me. Frankly, I am a lot closer to “meh” in regard to my EX than I am in regard to my status as divorced. I think untangling shame (which I understand why Chumplady is exhorting us to refuse) from disappointment and fear is hard to do. I am not sure how much of my dis-ease with being an unpartnered, middle-aged mother is due to shame, but I know my life is not what I’d expected in a very central way, and that despite my exhilaration at being out of a bad marriage, I’m not really comfortable with all aspects of where I have arrived.

I keep trying to write another paragraph about this . . . and then deleting it. Which tells me that today’s Chumplady post unsettles me more than anything else. I can’t capture how shame (or pride) feels for me in regard to marriage, divorce, and being a parent–but it is clearly still pretty messy for me.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Sometimes I think the trauma they inflict is purposefully cruel to keep us from moving on. When my therapist strongly suggested I wait at least two years before I start dating I was angry. They move on with such disregard an ease.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

I know right?? How CAN they be so fucking cruel? I couldn’t inflict such heartless cruelty on an enemy much less someone I supposedly loved. Wtf?

NCStevie729
NCStevie729
8 years ago

Here here!!! As always… on point CL!!! I can’t begin to explain how I wish I had found this site at d-Day 6 months ago, or even the day my bag of shit walked out the door almost 4 months ago…. THIS is THE best therapy EVER!!! I look forward to reading the new post every morning and you NEVER disappoint.

Somehow, your “no bullshit” viewpoint brings laughter & many “aha” moments. My kinda gal 🙂 thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I saw a comment within this site where another chump said to you “CL… you had me at motherf*cker”. I couldn’t agree more!!

Karma Express
Karma Express
8 years ago

Seven months after D-day, I still can’t bring myself to mention anything about the split on Facebook. (We weren’t married, so there’s no “divorce” word left unspoken.) Everyone on FB whom I want to know, I’ve already told. And everyone reacted with disbelief and disgust and support for me, so there’s not much more I want or need to say on FB.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Even after catching Jackass with MOW on FB, I still have an account. I use it to stay in touch with family across the country, friends from “back home” and to keep in touch with colleagues and former students. But I would never, ever, use it to post anything about my actual personal life. I’ll put up pictures of a snowstorm or critters in the yard or articles that may be of interest (few takers there, for sure). But bleeding all over social media or using it as an emotional outlet? Hell to the no. I did go through a stage on Pinterest in the months after DDay where i pinned a lot of stuff about betrayal, but I eventually corralled it all into one board and left it there in case someone else needed a collection of that stuff. I never look at it any more; it’s an artifact of that part of my life. The best thing about Pinterest is that it’s a pretty anonymous outlet and unless you have a stalker or a huge following, you can express those feelings and eventually delete them. Just make sure your profile doesn’t turn up via Google. As MOW’s does. And I am in DAY THREE of my belated Lenten “fast” in which I give up reading her Pinterest boards, which have been a daily expression of how horrible her life is and how lonely it is to be her. Kicking that person out of my head for good. But my point is–don’t leave a cyber trail of your suffering. I’d have no scruples about outing the two of those hyenas but moving forward, I want no part of my life linked to them.

Doop
Doop
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Amen!

Chumpion
Chumpion
8 years ago

I did shame myself for awhile. I loved being married, I loved the idea of marriage and I saw growing old with my ex and allowing my kids to never have to navigate a dance of multiple households. That life was for shitty self-involved parents, right?

Well, the ideal of something is one thing, and how that works in real life is another. If your spouse is cheating and lying, operating under the pretense that all is well is worse than cancer for everyone. I hated getting divorced but thank goodness I did.

Lizzy
Lizzy
8 years ago

The last paragraph is exactly what I needed today… “you’re divorced exactly because you DO value marriage…” Thank you, thank you, thank you, CL!

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
8 years ago

This very much speaks to me. I was one who stayed in an untenable situation out of endurance, hope, shame, fear for far too long. It took almost seven years to file for divorce after that, and it wasn’t easy. During those years, I went from being physically unable to speak the D-word to finding the strength to do this. And even after all these years, it’s been very, very hard.

Something that helped me a lot is knowing other people who I admire greatly who have been through this. People of integrity, intelligence, compassion, beauty. One said to me, “I was abandoned,” and another who said, “He left us for another woman,” and I looked at them both and thought their husbands were absolute idiots.

CL, you wrote in a different column something that also helped me a lot. Something to the effect (and someone else will probably remember the article), “Divorce: a legal action that allows you to separate yourself from someone whom you don’t want to have in your life anymore. What’s not to love about that?” I thought then of all the people throughout time and those living today in places or cultures where this was not an option, and I *got* it. This is hard, but that just means you have to lace up your boots and do the hard thing, and get stronger in the process.

Now when I meet people who are divorced, I feel as if I am meeting someone from a far-away country where I once lived, too. There’s a connection there, as if we just have to look at each other and know we each survived a difficult journey to get to where we are today.

Leigh
Leigh
8 years ago

I’m from a small town in North Carolina. I’m sure my reputation proceeds me. This will be my 3rd failure at marriage. The first 2, I own my part. Selfish, immature, you name it….that was me. I hit rock bottom and decided I better get NY shit together , so I did. Along came number 3, presenting himself as a Christian man, great family, good reputation….what more could I want??? Turns out, he is a cheater and a sex addict. I stayed in the marriage because I did not want to be divorced a 3rd time. I have 3 children now, with 3 different dads. Sometimes I have to laugh so I won’t cry. I was such a GOOD girl but I am a POOR decision maker. A CHUMP!! I decided I’d rather let people talk than continue to stay in this abusive marriage. They can truly all kiss my ass!!!

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
8 years ago

I remember my voice faltering the first time I told someone I was divorced. Now I just say I lost 240 ugly pounds.

For those chumps that are still ambivalent, I was there with you for about two years post d-day and divorce. Coming from a very conservative family, where several cheaters were taken back and there’s been a metric ton of under-the-rug-sweeping, it was hard to go against the norm and say “ENOUGH!”. I found surprising supporters (my ultra conservative, straight laced, devout Christian mother) and some appalling wanna be Swiss: several cousins, including two who had been chumped. But I don’t worry about anyone’s opinion now.

In fact, the whole experience has changed my outlook – before it happened to me, I was one of those who had the oh-so-smug mindset of what did that person do to make their spouse stray? I beat myself up with that for a long time before I realized the true answer: *absolutely nothing*. I wish Chump Lady had been around in 2003 so I could’ve gotten my head on straight sooner.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward
8 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

I’m pleased to hear about your mother, too.

I was surprised at some of the ways my grandparents reacted to this sort of thing, too, actually.

Some of the people with the scariest ideologies have the easiest time getting past them: {Mother/Daughter/Friend} first, {Christian/Democrat/Plebe/”Chill”/Ideology} second, because they’ve had more experience with real life getting in the way of it. Just a theory, though. I have a lot of respect for people who, even when they’re wrong, are willing to consider turning against themselves if they realize it’s the right thing to do.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward
8 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

“Now I just say I lost 240 ugly pounds.” <—- This.

Weight, and carrying it, apply so well, I think.

missmarple
missmarple
8 years ago

Thank you thank you chump lady , especially the last paragraph ,says it perfectly, and helps so much .

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago

Great post, CL.

Two time loser and I thank God I didn’t marry the third.

I don’t know if I would have had the courage to throw the third one out if I was married to him.

Now that I think about it…

HELL YES I WOULD THROW THAT ASS HOLE OUT!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

CalamityJane–that 3rd idiot is lucky you didn’t send him out in a body bag.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

@Calamity Jane @Tempest: I fantasize that if I *had* killed his worthless ass, I wouldn’t have been convicted by a jury of my *true* peers (read: fellow chumps). When my theoretical defense lawyer would’ve polled the jury on the not guilty verdict, as one, they would’ve asked, “what took you so long?” and then added, “and thanks for taking him out of the dating pool”.

Or maybe I just should’ve moved to Texas like CL where a viable defense is “But he needed killin’ your honor!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

Her Blondeness–If I’d been on the jury, not only would I have acquitted, I’d have given you a medal.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“But he needed killin’ your honor!

This cracks me up I live in Australia but have friends with strong southern US connections. I remember being wound up just after my X had been served with the divorce papers. Being the devoute Christian he is, he instantly set about redefining history to distance himself from having caused our marriage ending. I stated to a friend “if I lived in Texas and owned a gun I would use it”.

Would it be wrong of me to let the current girlfriend know that if she ever kills him I am happy to testify on her behalf? I know what her future holds and would not wish it on my worst enemy. She was not his AP so I hold no ill will towards her.

Scott
Scott
8 years ago

I had two as well. Glad to be done, and like CL stayed in the second one as long as I could because I didn’t want the failure stigma. In the end though, I rarely think in terms of failing twice at marriage. I think more about cruelty and being freed from it, living my life my way, making my paycheck, paying my bills hanging out with friends, etc. When I do think about the divorce I think about what she lost, not what I lost. I had everything to gain by being divorced, she was a cheater, an emotional cripple, a life sucking attention hound, and she had a great setup, nice life, big house, attentive husband, two great kids. She had everything to lose. And man did she ever lose out…

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Same here, Scott. He had everything to lose and he lost big time.

Nevertheless, it was a huge burden off my back.

I nursed him through two major heart surgeries and the only thing he was worried about was if his wonker worked.

I understand the worry, but it wasn’t me he was worrying wonking. Loser.

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I can relate here. X and I went from a youthful row boat, to a bigger and bigger boat, and when we got 35 yrs into it and had the perfect “cruise boat’ – lifestyle…well, the Captain pulled the plug. I’m sure he never thought he’d wind up below the boat and I would wind up on top. My reputation, integrity, morals and values. That’s what kept that rowboat moving forward. His lover had nothing to lose and he lost it all. Friends and too much family to count. Yeah, I’m at meh.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

I hated getting divorced. The process sucks. Loudly. I LOVED being divorced. I could eat what I wanted, sleep when I wanted, read a good book without being harassed for “sitting around doing nothing.” I didn’t have to clean up after a slob who treated me like the hired help. I could have friends over without asking permission or dealing with surly disapproval. After living with a control freak for so many years I felt like a hostage who had escaped her captor. I was happy to pass the keys to that prison to the OW and quietly move away from the drama. When people would ask me if I was married, I’d just grin and say, Not Anymore!”

For those of you still in transit, know that there are sunnier days ahead, and they will be custom made by you and for you.

ca-chump
ca-chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Oh Survivor I look forward to being where you are! I have been patiently biding time so that I will be eligible to share his retirement regardless of what stunts he pulls during the divorce. Soon .. oh so soon. And it has been killing me to wait (a lot of funky anxiety symptoms – anyone else lose blood flow to the fingers and toes because of stress?) but it makes me so happy and light to think that I like you will have all the little freedoms of reading, eating, sleeping when I want. That I will have a chance to save my kids from growing up in a more normal home, even if divorced.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

ca-chump, you will get there. The little pleasures are the best. It’s a fun self-determined place to be. The air is fresher. The sky is bluer. Like so many here, I’d carried the laboring oar for years because I signed on for better and for worse, while my ex apparently signed on only for better, richer, and in health, and that wasn’t enough if there was a younger, thinner and prettier option available. If you can’t get away sooner, at least look into those tingling fingers and toes. Stress robs the body of vitamin B-12. It’s a form of anemia. Try a supplement if you like. Sublingual tabs are best. It won’t stay in the body to become toxic, but if you are in fact deficient, you’ll feel better right away.

Moxie
Moxie
8 years ago

Thank you….this is something that Divorced Minister has written about also.
The shame was huge for me. Why, who knows…
I found out right after giving birth that ex was cheating during pregnancy. I believed for a long time that I must had done something wrong to have my husband cheat on me and cheat whilst I was pregnant, it was somehow my fault. The the utter shame along with postpartum lows lasted way to long.
Finally, I woke up and realized (thanks to this site, DM and others) that WTF is wrong with me. This A-Hole did this crappy thing to me during what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of our lives. I did not do wrong, this shame is not mine to bear. Beginning step was filing for divorce. Oh, yeah, I danced the dance for 2 long years. Woke up one Monday morning and knew I was done and filed that morning.
In the year since, I have finally let go of the shame of being divorced slowly. I can finally say i am divorced and state reason why in such a matter of fact manner. To finally not carry that shame daily is a huge relief.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Moxie

Moxie,you are mighty. If your ex could behave so badly while expecting a child, that’s a pretty good indication that he didn’t have it in him to be a proper husband or father. He flunked that test. Didn’t make the team in tryouts. Even with tutoring and extra practice time. It’s not your fault he couldn’t perform. He just wasn’t good enough.

Moxie
Moxie
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Like the analogy 🙂

malbecrioja
malbecrioja
8 years ago

This was a much needed post this morning. I remember my STBX saying that I didn’t value marriage because I was not willing to “get over it” and get back our the business of our life. Your post is very validating, and I am happy to say that being without him has transformed me into a happy, optimistic person again. Nothing like feeling the sunshine again. Thanks, CL!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  malbecrioja

malbecrioja–Those cheaters are amazing, aren’t they? I was told to “get over it” and “be forward-looking.”

Another time he asked, “You’re really willing to give all this up?!” (the intact family, house, etc.) Nope, I’m just willing to give you up, your skanky little man-whore. [And I kept the house : )]. Sunshine ahead.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I can honestly say my X never said these things to me. Because he hid behind the pastor and elder of the church we attended as a family who were willing to say it for him, along with other uncaring, unchristian and unfiltered notions of their own. I remember realising I had to stand up for myself against these opinionated morons but it was hard. Handling all of their verbal abuse, seeing no remorse in the X as he already considered himself forgiven by God, and dealing with my youngest in hospital on chemo left me with a lot of mental gymnastics. But the minute I began to disagree with those who expected me to remain married I was labled disrespectful, thoughtless, one even tried to convince me that I suffered from a spirit of rejection which was causing me to reject their opinion on how I should handle my marriage going forward. These same people are now supporting the X and his new girlfriend. And I love my life, I admit it will be easier once property is settled but to no longer have to deal with the crazy is awesome. And I have changed so much as a person in just 15 months.

That's Done
That's Done
8 years ago

I agree; when the chump leaves, she or he has no place to go but up, and from what I’ve seen, they mostly do, and the cheater heads downhill. If I weren’t gay, I would’ve been divorced twice by now as well, due to my partners’ cheating ways. I used to feel bad about that before I started visiting this blog. Now I’m grateful I left. The first time, it took four or five OW before I got out. The second time it only took one. I guess that’s progress.

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago
Reply to  That's Done

That’s Done, best of all is that next time, you may be able to sniff out the potential cheaters/other types of selfish idiots before they get anywhere at all with you!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

It’s been fifteen days since my divorce agreement was signed and I am waiting for the final order. There is no room for shame in my life anymore. I can feel myself getting stronger now that the fuckwit finally signed the papers. There are so many things I lost when he signed the agreement. I lost a pathological liar, cheater, drug addicted, alcoholic who was addicted to porn. I lost my need to reconcile, check phone records, cry myself to sleep, obsess about what he was doing, and feeling worthless. I lost the idea that I could fix a narcissistic asshole. I lost my love for this creature.

What I have found on this journey was the support of many friends, family, and chumps. I anticipate the wounds will become smaller over time. There is no shame in telling the truth. I hold my head high.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Congratulations, Donna!

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

i love this. so very well written!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna: “I lost the idea that I could fix a narcissistic asshole.”

To chumps, that is the most painful part. “What, I can’t fix the broken little cheater POS?! Have I lost my magic powers?” : (

We have to accept that we don’t have magic powers, but we’re still mighty.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Divorce is the best magic ever! What a relief it is to have NO ties!

missdeltagirl65
missdeltagirl65
8 years ago