Worst Gift Ever?
Well, it’s been a while since I’ve run this challenge, which was originally inspired by my birthday post describing some of the Worst Gifts Ever that I received from a FW (a pen… a tie-dyed motif license plate cover…).
It takes some consideration of your partner to come up with a good gift. FWs tend not to tune in to the needs of others. So gifts are either impression management (BEHOLD! I PRESENT YOU WITH A GILDED PONY!) or something they have around the house (BEHOLD! I PRESENT YOU WITH A TICTAC!) or nothing at all. They suck at gifts.
But weirdly you may never suck at gratitude for their shitty gifts. OMG, a tictac! I’ll treasure it always. Not: I’ll need to discuss a pony with the co-op board… They had to expend an entire kibble to give you a gift, however much it inconveniences you, so you better return their investment with extra kibbles. (OMG! We’ll name a museum wing for you!) This is how the game is played.
Your challenge today is to tell me about the weirdest, crappiest gift you got — AND how you repurposed it, or imagine repurposing it.
Legendary CN member GladIt’sOver once received a half-eaten box of Wheatena cereal, which has been immortalized as a cartoon. Because nothing says “I’m thinking of you” like a box of used whole-grains.
How could we repurpose it? Cook it into sludge and force feed it to certain members of the legal establishment? Spoon it in, then hands over their mouths until they swallow or choke? (Chump Lady is feeling very stabby today.) JUST A YOUTHFUL PRANK! That I cannot recollect BUT I KNOW IT WAS NOT WHEATENA CEREAL. I have NEVER choked anyone with hot malted goodness! I was busy earning MERIT BADGES.
Sigh.
Bad gifts. Tell me about them. And TGIF!
I once received a ‘Dawn of the Dead’ DVD – some limited edition version in a fancy box. It must have been for someone else as I’m not a fan of horror films.
He apologised and said ‘I thought you loved this film’. It was definitely for one of the OW he was probably woo’ing. We all blend into one ????
A taco holder. God forbid he hold a taco with his precious hands.
A worse offense. My engagement ring was purchased from Kay’s jewelers the same day he asked my father for permission and proposed (a real planner!). I wanted an antique ring, but he didn’t like that idea. We had many, many issues with Kay’s and the ring had to be returned several times for resizing, missing stones, bent band, etc. I told him I loved the ring, but I never wanted to shop at Kay’s ever again, the customer service was horrible.
On our wedding day, he sent a gift to my room, I opened it. A necklace from Kay jewelers purchased the day before. I was sick and should have known then (not to mention, he cracked his head open the night before our wedding because he was drunk and had to get 8 stitches, but that’s another post!)
Against his will, I returned the necklace after the wedding (still proud of myself for that!). I took the money and bought myself a ring in Mexico on our honeymoon. Found out years later it was fake. Much like our marriage. But, I love that ring. It’s priceless to me now. A good reminder that all that glitters isn’t gold.
FW bought me a silver ring as a promise ring. The only other piece of jewelry he paid for was a Mothers day present that both my daughters had to guilt him into buying. Lots of last minute stuff. Got a six pack of socks one year under the tree. They were from the local Grocery store. For petes sake.
I am so glad to hear that someone else returned jewelry behind a FW’s back! My FW gave me a beautiful pearl necklace with matching earrings and bracelet from Tiffany & Co. only problem is I am super low maintenance – outdoorsy, athletic, no makeup, ponytail kind of person. Not to sound ungrateful, but never have I thought to myself “you know what would look great with this yoga pants and hoodie ensemble – pearls!” I returned them and bought myself new skis instead. I’ve had more fun on the skis than I ever had with FW…
I got a child’s necklace purchased at Service Merchandise once. $14.99. I know how much it costs because I returned it that same day. I fished one of his credit cards (we never had joint accounts)out of his wallet and gave it to the cashier and asked to see their most expensive ring in stock. I bought it and wore it for several years. He never mentioned the ring or the bill.
Otherwise, most occasions before and after were giftless ones, save for the cheapest kitchen appliances he could find.
Cheap bastard. Love what you did!
My ex would buy me jewelry (from Kays) for every holiday for the first 10 years of our relationship and then would complain that I never wore it. When we met I was in the military and there were definitely limits on what I could wear and then I was work from home and there wasn’t much reason for me to dress up to sit at home by myself.
My cheater actually liked to spend money and loved to shop, so I often got relatively good gifts because that was in his wheel-house. I do now wonder how many of the expensive pieces of jewelry were connected with poor behavior. There was one Christmas when he went out and bought a ton of crap …I returned almost all of it. I think he was punching a card.
My only daughter doesnt wear much jewelry and I dont know what to do with it. There is one necklace that is timeless and fabulous and I will wear that til I die.
Yeah. Jewelry from Tiffany’s doesn’t get my hackles up. There are far, far worse gifts that show the chump that have no value.
TT, I think the feeling of having no value doesn’t come necessarily from the cost of the gift. It’s the reality hit that your mate has no idea who you are, what you do, value, what you even wear.
It’s that moment of recognition- that your “soul mate” knows you about as well as a stranger on the street. And quite possibly that stranger could tell in an instant, “That woman is a no maintenance kinda gal, could never imagine pearl earrings on her…”
My X gave thoughtful gifts. I have nothing to contribute.
He even sent his first (?) EA partner who lived across the country, a card that told her to go to a restaurant near where she worked on her birthday- and there waiting for her were all her favorite foods, starting with a lovely bowl of Onion Soup! What a thoughtful guy! That took an understanding of what she liked, preparation days in advance, timing, and research. Yes, what a guy.
Sigh.
I got a necklace with a huge glitterball kinda thing dangling from it. Expensive (we couldn’t afford it), I hated it and in any case I NEVER wear necklaces!
The jewelry thread has reminded me: a couple of years before D-Day #2, so during Long-Term Discard mode (14 years elapsed between my two D-Days), we were vacationing with FW’s family. On Christmas (even though we’re Jewish), we exchanged gifts. My ex-MIL gave me earrings, clearly having asked FW what I would like. The problem is that I hadn’t worn earrings since around 1996 – I had let my piercings close up after my cancer treatments, when I couldn’t wear earrings for a while.
Which means that FW and ex-MIL hadn’t noticed that I had not worn earrings for around 20 years. ???? I thanked my ex-MIL, but of course I never wore the earrings.
Ah, MIL gifts can be even worse than FW gifts. MIL gave me dollar store clip-on novelty earrings that flashed light on and off.
She also gave used items from garage sales constantly. We found bedbugs in one of her gifts and told her we’d never accept gifts from her again. She didn’t listen and tried to give us a used teddy bear missing one eye for our grandchild. ????
Like mother, like son, but even FW wasn’t quite that stupid and passive aggressive.
He did like to re-gift stuff he got from OW, though. They did not contain actual bedbugs, just whore cooties.
My guess is your FW figured she would “borrow” them to wear and then just keep them, “earning” herself an extra gift!
Things like that are perfect for regifting to people you don’t like.
I think FW’s try to use lavish gifts – in your case a gigantic disco ball to wear around your neck – to temporarily distract you from the fact that they cant keep their d**k in their pants…
A pan. I’d decided not to use non-stick pans anymore and just cast iron. Said it repeatedly. Repeatedly!! Got a huge non-stick pan for Christmas. Utter shock when I opened it and then fake thanks. Kids wondered why I was so mean to dad. Wtf!!
Newlyweds and money is tight. Shared bank accounts. He buys a shotgun right before my birthday and we have no money now. Three months later he writes me a check FROM THE JOINT ACCOUNT to help pay for an airline ticket for a wedding. Uhhhhhh
Mine always bought a new set of tires for his truck the week before Christmas. I spent all year figuring through horribly tight budgets (which were never his problem, he gave me his paycheck – it was up to me to figure out how to make it cover everything the family wanted or needed and obviously I was inept at that little job as he pointed out to anyone who would listen) to buy gifts for the kids and close family we would be spending the holiday with. He had no interest.
Then his last paycheck before the holiday – he would cash it on the way home from work and go shopping alone for gifts for the people he wanted to buy for. So here we arrive at family events with small gifts for everyone, mostly handmade (my year of planning and hard work) and a few lavish gifts for the “important people” with his name on the tag. And the kids…….. here are the practical gifts mom spent months budgeting for and choosing and making….buried underneath the awesome flashiness of whatever dad picked out yesterday and wrapped and signed from just himself.
And of course, the kids never saw that I didn’t have grocery money for a couple of weeks afterward or had to get permission to pay the electric bill late.
It is amazing what you “see” once you break the spell.
This. Spend a lot of money when they know a necessary purchase is imminent. Mine took my car to emmissions testing with the check engine light on and knowingly had it fail. $3500 repair right before school tuition is due.
Tallgrass, this story gives me chills. What a sociopath.
How symbolic of himself– a Dupont “forever chemical” pan that couldn’t even be ethically dumped in a landfill.
His gifts were just meh. The only one that stood out was a sweater that I got for our last (not that I knew it at the time – D-Day was coming) Christmas together. The ugliest sweater that I had ever seen. It was HUGE. I put it on and was swimming in it. Of course he told me on D-Day that his AP was younger and fitter than me. I’m a size 4. Now I completely see it as devaluing. It was given to charity – I never wore it. The hurtful thing is the gifts he helps picks out with my son are thoughtful. It’s a seriously f’kd-up type of cruelty.
I feel there is some projected ‘body dysmorphia’ going on with cheaters in how they perceive us, or how they want us to perceive ourselves. On the last Christmas, I received a sequined sweater, kinda pretty, but in a size L. Turns out in was a children’s L, and clearly too small for me…? did he want me to feel ‘too big’? It was accompanied by a silver bangle, but it turns out it was plastic painted with silver, probably a $1.50. I also discovered it was purchased at a store/location where he spent the weekends with his Schmoopie and she probably picked it out. It looked ‘sparkly’, but it was all just cheap discount store crap, like him. The last Birthday before DDay, which was completely ruined in other ways, I got a box of clothes from a store I purposely hadn’t shopped at for a decade, filled with the ugliest old lady clothes including a pair of ‘NYDJ’ jeans (they supposedly make you look a whole size smaller!) in a size 12. I wore a size 6, which he could have easily discovered. I could fit myself in one leg of those pants! Just Infuriating. I’m pretty sure he was flirting with the saleswoman and bought whatever she threw together, completely ignoring the fact that none of it was remotely close to my own style. In the early years, he was a pretty great gift-giver, but once he was investing himself ‘elsewhere’, all consideration went right out the window. I didn’t have high exceptions, but damn, it’s like he made it a point to be so far off the mark to mess with my head. Fucker.
Science might agree with your theory of externalized body dysmorphia and that the “eye of the narcissistic beholder” is pretty bizarre. It seems like some classic features of certain personality disorders are displacing, externalizing and projecting onto others the traits that the disordered person denies and dislikes in themselves.
For instance, some researchers conducted a study to find out if narcissists’ typical self-reports of being “highly attractive” and “of high mate value” were reliable enough to support conclusions of a series of previous studies claiming that narcissists *are* especially attractive. The researchers discovered that the higher people scored in traits of narcissism, the more inaccurate those people were in assessing their own attractiveness which, according to narcissists in the studies, is “very high” relative to other people. The study undermines a common theory that high attractiveness in an individual is a risk factor for developing narcissism (“mud causes rain”). Instead they found that narcissists, due to their narcissism, tend to believe they’re much hotter than they are (“rain causes mud”).
One theory of narcissism that seems pretty enduring is that it’s overcompensation for deep feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing that narcissists externalize to other people– tarring others with the narcissists most shameful attributes; and which narcissists displace onto others– engineering conditions to make other people feel as bad about themselves or as depressed, empty and unloved as the narcissist secretly feels.
Personally I wonder if a lot of cheating narcissists tend to also project perceived negative traits of APs or toxic members of their families of origin onto chumps. Transferring negative traits from themselves or whomever is their current supply to victims could have a dual purpose: first it’s the process by which they can idealize themselves and their supply of the moment and secondly it helps to create an burnable effigy of the victim that justifies any kind of mistreatment the narcissist wants to dish out.
The weirdest projection in my case was before D-Day when FW accused me of trickily trying to get pregnant out of the blue— after I’d had three children, vowed for years to have no more and had asked him repeatedly to get snipped. Meanwhile it turned out the AP was flushing her birth control pills in the hopes that getting pregnant would force FW to stop stringing her along and dump his family. His projections also came down the physical features. He made a crack about my “big feet” around that time. I’m almost 5’9″ and wear a US7.5/EU38. It’s a very common shoe size but maybe looks a bit small relative to my height. Turns out the AP was 5’3″ and wears a US9 which is average but maybe not the “ideal” FW projected on the AP during the affair. He made all sorts of other accusations towards me during the pre-D-Day DARVO stage that made no sense but, if you sum the charges up, perfectly describe FW himself, his creepy AP or his toxic mommy.
The weirdest thing of all was how FW’s view of me seemed to shift overnight and, when this happened, he so deeply believed and invested in his deranged perceptions that it was nearly spellbinding. At first this made me self conscious about things I never typically worry about or bother thinking about, then I wondered if he was psychotic.
HellofaChump, thank you. This more accurately describes my FW than any of the pop psych narcissism stuff out there.
OW was fit, and shortly after DDay was the first time FW actually said he’s disappointed with my post-pregnancy body. I am a size 2 (although no less wrecked by pregnancy than any other mom). He projected toxic mommy traits onto me (according to his own therapist), when he was the one that actually was quite like her in being nice on the surface with seething resentment beneath, obsessed with being attractive and highly dependent on external validation, and oh yeah being a cheater too. She cheated on both husbands. He’s also more attractive than average (I think, hard to judge now when the sight of him makes me queasy) but not nearly as attractive as he thinks he is.
This – “feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing that narcissists externalize to other people– tarring others with the narcissists most shameful attributes; and which narcissists displace onto others” – is 100% my ex. Monitored my glasses of wine while he was the spiraling alcoholic, generally treated me like the unlovable, unworthy, amoral loser when he was the one imploding our family. On the last Mother’s Day of our marriage, he gifted me with a hate-filled verbal attack in front of the kids. His affair didn’t last more than 3 months (after 8 years I believe) once I (knew about it and) GTFO. So he’s the same miserable, self loathing cynical, judge-y little b***c he revealed himself to be 8+ years ago. Hasn’t done his therapy and isn’t even in recovery. My kid’s scout leader just told me last week that my kid is so much happier when I’m the parent accompanying him to troop activities and not his dad. Validating for me, sure. But so sad for my kids.
I also got a sweater in my ‘last’ Christmas. However, I was 5 months pregnant with twins. He bought the sweater in my ‘normal’ size. I suppose I can wear it this Christmas. Or just return it.
Give it to a homeless shelter close to wherever he lives. That’s what I did with a jacket FW often wore when with the AP.
Sorry, the gifts he helps pick out now with my son are thoughtful.
For Christmas one year, I received a pair of inexpensive scissors and an extension cord. His reasoning? I don’t allow people to use my fabric scissors and I was always looking for an extension cord (he always carried them off, I don’t know what he did with them). I should have known something was up.
An extension cord and a scissors are terrible gifts! But the worst part? He probably picked them up last-minute and patted himself on the back for “knowing you so well” and for being “clever”.
Ugh. Just gross.
The last Christmas we were together I received a printed copy of a picture of a car stereo he said he had ordered for me on eBay. It never arrived. Thinking I could use my “gift” to line the cat’s litter box or to light a fire.
Sounds like the print out I received of different types of massage offered at my favorite spa. Funny how I never got an actual gift certificate. I think the fat loser knew his sociopathic mask was slipping off and was about to be dumped. He stole my credit card number and I ghosted him.
The gifts they say are “on their way”. They can claim anything is “on its way”, but don’t dare ask them when it will arrive. Mine did that, too.
He never got me any gifts. I used to buy him gifts all the time. He said the reason he never bought me anything because he was not good at buying gifts. And I acually bought that crap. I recall one weekend day when we were at the mall with our Granddaughter. He drug us around looking for a Blue tooth. Later I found out he bought it for skankella with my debit card. I later found out he bought parts for her car. Looking back what a huge chump I was.
There’s always an excuse for their crap behaviour, eh? My Ex didn’t try to claim he was bad at buying gifts (which btw is basically putting a sign on their own forehead saying ‘I am not an an adult and I make zero effort’), he claimed he had ideological problems with ‘Hallmark Holidays’ that were just intended to create a consumer frenzy. He said he preferred to give gifts or flowers on random days, or days that were important in personal ways. I guess those days were on the calendar marked as ‘never’.
Oh, and to make his excuse more truthy, he also said he didn’t want gifts, when I asked what he would like for his birthday or Xmas. Then was all sulky if I didn’t get him anything, or got something small.
He did get me a couple of nice gifts early on, while invested – by consulting his ex-girlfriend about what to get, or buying me something his ex bought for herself. Sigh.
My narcissist rarely acknowledged my birthday or holidays, so gifts weren’t frequent for either occasion. More often than not, I received nothing. Cash in an envelope was given from time. I would occasionally get a gift certificate for a mani/pedi, only to find out those certificates were purchased in pairs. One for me, and one for the AP across the street.
But, the worst gift I ever got was a trailer hitch. Yes, a trailer hitch. We both own trucks, and his thought was since his was newer, he’d keep the mileage low and the vehicle in pristine condition. So, whenever he wanted to pull his trailer and toys around, he’d use my truck. Thus, I needed a trailer hitch. Did I mention that I was never allowed to drive his truck, so when he took mine, I was left high and dry? Par for the course in that marriage.
I have never owned a truck but experienced the same thing. When we first married, we moved overseas and since my car was old, klootzak convinced me to sell it before we left rather than pay four times its worth to ship it over the ocean. So when we arrived he bought a car, ostensibly for me. It was the kind and color he wanted. He paid for it so I just shrugged and let him have his way.
Five years later, we had a different car give up the ghost, so he went and bought another car supposedly for me. Then he took the first one (surprise!) and his car became a relic that sits undriven in the garage collecting dust.
But wait; there’s more! He doesn’t like for “his” car (the one he bought me overseas which thanks to someone on here I will now call the cheater two-seater) to get dirty so if there is dust, rain, pollen, anything outside, he takes my car to go and leaves me stranded. Because I have a child and my car is the only one with a back seat and car seat for our child. So maybe my worst gifts are cars he bought that he only rarely lets me use.
Mine bought me a car several years into the marriage; I’d bought them myself until 2 kids later I couldn’t afford something that was safe & reliable enough. So I was happy with the used Forester. Then he went and bought himself a newer, nicer Forester with all the extras – so of course mine was the family car, and my name wasn’t even on his car. Whatever, I thought, he paid for them.
Then divorce, when I find out it’s all marital/joint money anyway and he didn’t “buy me” shit. We’re at the AAA doing a title transfer to get his name off my vehicle and he’s trying to be nice (as in, trying to get me to be nice and say thank you – kibbles!) and says he’ll pay half the cost. Well he was 30+ minutes late to meet there, so I just said “knock yourself out” even though I knew what he wanted.
Later he starts low-key arguing with the admin doing the title transfer about having to pay sales tax. After she already explained that you have to in our state. It was $30. After she gave him his own personal explanation of the same thing, I said to him “At least you didn’t do things equitably and put my name on your car; then we’d have to pay it twice!” He transferred money to me via his phone and showed it to me right there. I said thank you then because I could really use the money, but also because the amount he transferred was $15 less than half the total cost (he sat there and did the extra math to subtract half of $30), and I just love getting confirmation that divorce was the right choice!
Mine bought me a car, that I had to make the payments on and tried to take it during the divorce. When he screamed at me that he was going to report it stolen during the divorce, I went and traded it for a new vehicle, that I picked out and I made the payments.
Oh yes, been there done that. “My” car (from before we were married) had a back seat, so once we got married it was the family car. His car was a two-seater and was exclusively his.
OMG the matching presents. I and the AP were basically interchangeable or something. Gifts from ex were pretty generic, but sometimes he’d pay attention when I pointed something nice out in a store and get it later. On my birthday during his affair he bought me a very nice necklace out of the blue, which I found surprisingly thoughtful. I learned after D-day that he’d bought the same necklace for schmoopie for her birthday (same day as mine – I did say interchangeable, but two decades apart of course.) just in a nicer colour. So I suspect she had been the one to point it out as nice and he was happy to have it pull double duty. Same reason they take APs to destinations we liked – laziness!
I set it aside along with my wedding rings and other sentimental jewelry to have melted down and remade into something nice, but never did get around to it.
Matching gifts ✅. Saw in her social media we had the same (cheap) necklace. Thought it was a coincidence at the time. Ha.
I once bumped into the OW on the train to work. Eeeek moment. I saw she had exactly the same type of coffee mug he got me. I thought, it’s good getting a new wife cause you can just recycle your gift ideas, and had a little chuckle to myself.
Gifts for the AP!! Ugh.
On a trip to Ireland, x asked me to help him by a gift for his mother, which seemed odd to me because he didn’t make a habit of buying souvenirs for her. And she wasn’t Irish, which might have warranted an exception.
Of course, I found out later that the gift I helped him find was for the AP.
To this day, it shocks me that he could lie so easily. This was one of thousands and thousands of lies. I was clueless and vulnerable. I trusted that man. Dammit.
A gift card for gasoline. He picked it up at a convenience store last minute on Christmas Eve. I put a lot of effort and thought into gifts (not necessarily expensive but thoughtful). Broke my heart. I felt absolutely worthless to him. Many years I bought my own gifts. Told me that I wasn’t his Mother so he didn’t need to do anything on Mother’s Day. Then the kids were upset too.
Fuckwit said the same thing to our kids about Mother’s Day and the lack of a singular gift that he could have bought with the kids.
This is not normal. And my kids understood that when he said that on Mother’s Day-
Bike rack for car as a Christmas present. There was snow on the ground and I never asked for one since I would ride locally with the kids. He needed an excuse to put a hitch on my car so he could use it to tow his project cars. He scheduled the appointment for adding the hitch the day after Christmas and picked up another crap car that afternoon. He was so hurt that I called out his bull$hit…
3 dinner plates for Xmas.
3.
To replace the broken/chipped ones.
Total gut punch. Didn’t even know how to respond.
A skirt that was way off in the sizing – pretty sure I wasn’t the intended recipient.
3 crates of vintage porn magazines
This was for my 30th birthday (17 years ago) and it was our first birthday together. We were still in the fun new phase. I think someone had passed them along to him that same day. He and his friends collected and shared funky old stuff. So, he just gave them to me and said ‘happy birthday hahaha!’ I loved him so much that I tried to play it cool. He probably used those magazines daily. It hurts to think about myself on that birthday.
That was the worst, but other than that some lame jewelry with zero thought or attention to my taste. Of course when I mentioned this the gifts stopped altogether because of how unappreciative I was.
I am an excellent gift giver. I take pleasure in remembering what people need and want. I gave up giving him gifts years ago.
3 crates of old porn magazines? What the??? I can’t even…
I stopped with gifts too. It still makes me feel guilty, but the reciprocation wasn’t there and I think a part of me was like eff this even though we were still married and chugging along.
What a freak. Because nothing says love like a big 70s bush. Ugh. How awful.????
Gifts were always FW’s forte, because his family are all about gifts. Meaning they had to be good & costly. As a young family, that was a financial struggle to meet their bar. The worst thing? Cards. He always gave humour type cards, ones usually with sexual innuendo, never a loving one. I never could understand why I didn’t get a “love card” when I was in the thick of marriage but it was because only one of us was.
Ugh, ex’s family was incredibly materialistic too. Spent $ means you care, and even if no one wanted the gift — it was so incredibly skewed from what I understood about gift giving. One Christmas we all paid to rent a cabin and spend the time together, but ex and I still wanted to get everyone something despite the fact we already spent a decent amount of money on the trip, so we budgeted and got small but (I thought) thoughtful and useful things based on each person. We had a bit leftover to spend on his dad so we got a small gift card to Home Depot since he was there all the time, and he purposefully put it among our things and said something snarky like “you clearly need this more”. So fucking glad I’m done with that bullshit.
Actually not fair to all of them — it was truly mostly his narc father. That guy is shacked up with a woman down their dirt road in Texas (can’t get much lazier than that!) from what I heard.
What an awful human. Sometimes it’s not hard to see where FWs get it from…
The ex “never had time” to purchase a gift. I would thoughtfully shop and wrap and he’d go right behind me and hand cash to the recipient. I learned from my therapist that it was devaluing my efforts. He’d give the gift one would return according to him.
Initially he’d shop at a gallery that opened until midnight Christmas Eve. I got a nice doorbell cover from there however we didn’t have a doorbell.
No one would return
It stayed in the Christmas decoration box for probably 20 yrs. My mom died in 19 and I had to fix and sell her home. I took it out and placed it on hers. I hope the new owner enjoys it.
I also got a pair of boots AFTER I’d saved two yrs and bought a pair a month before. The toe style and color he gave me was not my style. I traded the ones he gave after we left for a carburetor replacement on my truck. The truck, he drove up and presented me. I also got the payments that came with it. I never got to choose my vehicle after I was with him. I traded that for a fence in my yard for our new puppy. I got a used vehicle I love.
Just given birth to our second child and he bought a Christmas gift for me – a book ” Strong women stay slim”
I got the full set of TaeBo exercise videos after giving birth to our first child who died soon after birth.
Oh my God. What a horrible loss to be dealing with, and then to have your “partner” deliver additional blows, instead of supporting you… I hope you are well free of that abuse.
I am so sorry you had to live through that. So painful.
Wow. This fucking wins. What an asshole. Now I feel stabby.
Ohhhhh no no no no no no no
Oh FFS!!!
OMG! I wish you could go back in time and make him eat that book while you eat an ice cream sundae. The GALL! (And why is that even a published book???!!!!)
It’s a terrible idea for a gift–NurseMeh’s husband was clearly a dolt in his intentions.
However, just to set the record straight, it’s actually a quite a good book. The author, who is an academic, wrote a series of books (in the early aughts) and the first one I got was “Strong Women Stay Young.” Fitness guidelines recommend both aerobic exercise and weight training. Those two books weren’t insulting, they were about fitness and about weight training, and the emphasis is on building strength (not body building, but muscle toning–think Michelle Obama’s enviable arms). Fitness guidelines recommend both aerobic exercise and weight training.
One point of weight training is that by cultivating muscle, you not only boost your metabolism (because muscle cells burn more energy) your body becomes slimmer, even at the same weight. That’s because muscle is denser and literally takes up less space than fat. About 12 years ago, I took regular weight training classes at my fitness center (which is hospital affiliated and is really health-oriented), and I never looked or felt better.
I’m not trying to lecture here–just want to clear up misconceptions about the book. It’s about health and fitness.
And I am absolutely NOT defending NurseMeh’s ex’s choice of the book for a gift after she gave birth. That was an idiotic move.
I have a purple fuzzy robe with faux fur around the neck that is definitely not my size or style hanging in the back of the closet. I can UPS that to anyone that would like it. Never worn. Would be nice with the cool weather starting.
I got sexy underwear (well trashy underwear really) about 10 sizes too small (and I wasn’t big anyway)! I returned it, took the money and bought a pretty tablecloth and pocketed the rest! One Christmas he got me nothing at all and my heart broke when my youngest asked where my gifts were. It broke my heart – not for me but for my kids)!
Same with stockings. Mine had nothing but the gum or mascara I bought myself. Kids were upset, as they got older they’d put something in mine…
My ex could usually manage one “meh” gift for Christmas — never wrapped though. I bought presents for our kids, him, my family, his family. — Including stocking staffers for him and the kids (and his mom and brother when they came to visit over Christmas). I would always fill my stocking too usually with stuff like lipbalm, a new nail polish, some Andes candies or whatever. So everyone else got to unwrap 10-15 gifts and I got one that wasn’t even wrapped most of the time.
However he decided to start picking at me because I bought myself stuff for Christmas. The next year he swore he would do better. That year I got 2 pairs of socks and a cheap throw blanket in addition to my “big” present – silverware. But he didn’t do anything for the stocking. The kids were so excited about theirs that they didn’t notice, but I was fighting back tears and trying to pretend it was all okay.
Oooh I’ve had that too. Christmas one year I had him and the boys shopped for, wrapped, etc. He looks at me on Christmas Eve and tells me he’s heading out to shop for my gift, and asks how much he has to work with dollar-wise (so using the joint account). I had thought he was done ages ago so was confused and there was maybe $12 in the account from bills and everything coming out. So to save face in front of the kids in the morning, I researched different things we could get so I would have something under the tree. He went out and got me the $10 clearance fleece pj’s I found and tossed them in a gift bag we had around the house. That turned out to be the second year I got nothing for my birthday three weeks later too.
Ah, the lingerie.
I got lots of sexy lingerie.
Always felt that it was more for him than for me.
RE: “One Christmas he got me nothing at all and my heart broke when my youngest asked where my gifts were. It broke my heart – not for me but for my kids)!” That’s the worst!
Lingerie is ALWAYS a gift for him.
Nothing. Sometimes I literally got nothing. His excuse? “You buy everything for yourself and I can’t pick better than you.”
Or he would do a last minute “grab anything” gift. One time he literally walked into a fancy department store and bought a giant (fake — under $100) cocktail ring for me because it was the first thing you’d see when you walked in the door of the store. I was a stay at home mom with a toddler — and he gave me a giant cocktail ring? To wear when exactly? I returned it.
He was still second to his narcissistic mother for shitty gift giving. Her crappy gifts were so epic that it was a running joke with my girlfriends who couldn’t wait to see what I had in store for our white elephant Christmas parties lol
Oh, ewww. Regifted underwear? from your MIL? that makes me queazy. Third time must be the charm.
????
Oh the MIL gifts!! One year I got an electric can opener!! Most other years I got the ‘gift with purchase’ or a 2-for-1 of something she found on sale on QVC. She didn’t even try to hide the fact that she had the other one. oof.
Ahhh, the MIL gifts, I practically forgot about that. One Christmas we found ourselves in our home state for the actual family gift exchange ( usually stayed home for Christmas and flew up after).
So I was able to see how my MIL just showered gifts on her two daughters and I got a full length white slip, which I made a big fuss about cause I didn’t want to make her feel bad, like she should have!
( use to wear a white uniform to work as a nurse but had now been in ICU for the past 7 years wearing scrubs everyday, which she knew)
I sensed she was a bit embarrassed for me to view the gifts to her children. I thought I was considered her daughter until that point. I treated her like royalty and got very thoughtful gifts that were always her favorites ones for all special days.
I also found out after D-day that she knew all along about her son’s decades long cheating frenzies. I had three kids under the age of three when she found out and he told me she said to him “ don’t tell Chumpasaurus”.
Her son was more important than the safety of me and her grandchildren she so ‘greatly loved.’
If I ever meet her in heaven, I’m going to kick her in the shins.
???? ????????????
Me too, Kim. Does anyone remember The Slanket, the blanket with sleeves? You could order it off TV.
My XSMIL gave one each to FW’s golden-child siblings. FW and I got the “free with purchase” booklight.
She didn’t try to hide it either. So smug.
I don’t have anything against booklights, but this one was cheap junk and was a clear message that we were an afterthought.
XSMIL and FW hated one another for 25 years.
The joke is on him now though. She moved in with him to the marital home after I left. She Took my place as Domestic Appliance.
Lucky for me they can make each other miserable and I don’t have to lift a finger to do it.
Ohhhh the narc-MiL shitty gift giver!
She would give my kids unwrapped things from the grocery store with the receipt taped to the back. Like one year a Raggedy Ann video to my 10 yr old son. She would say she was really the cool nana because she made it easy for the kids to return whatever and just “get what they want”.
Ex-mil was also horrible at gifts. I learned Christmas was a chore to her. Her husband was Scrooge. Initially she acted like she loved it and would sad sausage about having no decorations etc. so I bought her a really nice artificial tree. She used it a couple of times I believe. That was a way the ex manipulated me too. My family does all holidays and I have great memories of everyone together. He said his never did anything so I went above and beyond to make things special. Zero help or appreciation from any of them. Mil would talk behind my back about how I spent for the kids on Christmas. Her little Boo boo had to dish out so much money. When they were little I’d buy their Christmas from the used toy store.
Anyway, we still laugh at the Christmas she opened and split a pack of tube socks between the ex and DS. He was like 5yo with these adult tube socks. I put them in ex’s drawer at home. I guess she modeled his thoughtfulness. Nothing wrong with socks but…..
Pearl earrings.
Let me explain:
Our birthdays are within 4 days of each other. During the first year of our mirage (thanks, VH), when we were young and living on a tight budget, we bought bikes a few weeks before our birthdays and agreed (AGREED!) that these would constitute birthday presents to each other.
His birthday rolled around first. I made a special dinner and wrote something heartfelt on a card.
He sulked and sulked and sulked and sulked for days. Of course, I had no idea what was the matter. #silenttreatment #manipulation
On my birthday, he tossed an unwrapped box at me. Pearl earrings. No card.
When I explained that we had an agreement, he stormed out.
From then on, I always made a big deal of his birthday. He was like a child that way. Even our own kids thought it was weird when he demanded a celebration and expensive gifts. And it had to be on his exact birthday, so no weekend celebration if his birthday fell on a Thursday. When I say “demanded,” I mean in a silent way. He was able to exert his will without yelling. #covertnarc
After D-Day, when I was more or less NC, I did not wish him a happy birthday, which I think crushed him.
When my birthday rolled around, he wrote, “I want to acknowledge your 60th birthday and offer best wishes.” To me, that was another unwrapped jewelry box flung my way. The subtext was, “I am acknowledging your birthday even though you had the bad manners to ignore mine.” It was all about him and his birthday. I know that man.
So glad to be free of the mindfuckery.
The exact birthday thing baffles me. Ex FW is May and was the same. Juggling 4 kids and end of school insanity aside it didn’t matter. It was HIS day. For his 50th he was married to now ex wife #3. He planned a huge trip out to Zion for everyone – except 1 daughter as she was on track to make nationals in her sport. He couldn’t go even a couple days later to include her. So what happens? Now ex wife #3 finds out his cheating and paid escorts 3 weeks before and tosses him out. She took all the kids – including daughter that actually missed qualifying by a fraction – on the trip and even invited me along. I had to work but they all had fun on the trip!
FW birthdays are the worst. I’m glad to be free of them.
After FW flew the coop to live happily ever after with GF#1 (which lasted half a year, I think), my birthday rolled around. He dropped off a card that he had signed, clearly forgetting that the two of us had previously joked about how neither of us liked cards. “You don’t get cards for someone special,” we joshed, “You get cards for co-workers or the like. Y’know… people you just want to be polite and nice to but aren’t really that important. If someone is important then you go out of your way to get them something better than a card *snark snark*” (This is neither true nor untrue; I know many people who place great stock in cards. This is just what we, as a young couple, had agreed upon concerning birthday cards.)
So, knowing this, I stared down at my very own birthday card and nothing but a birthday card from the man who, while he was living with GF#1 at that point, I was still married to. I knew what it meant and it broke my heart. I, truly, would have rather gotten nothing; a card was such an overt dismissal.
Hooray for being free from FW birthdays.
I got a pair of diamond earrings tossed at me across the yard as I was sitting outside for our anniversary which was never acknowledged. As they were airborne he said he had bought them for DD but her ears weren’t pierced.
Little did I know he had a stash of them. I gave them to her a few years back. She gave them back to me.
A tube of acne medicine. It’s true that I had period break out’s, but!!?? I don’t know if I kept it. Probably used it.
Neveragain, what a horrible person!
Now I am picturing a cartoon of a birthday cake but instead of frosting it has acne cream. But you don’t know this until you take a bite.
The birthday cake is like cheater, nice looking on the outside but toxic when you take a bite.
I got the mystery gift. There was nothing for me at Christmas. My kids noticed. He made a big show of looking for the great gift, he got me. Had to be there somewhere. Dang, where did he put it , can’t remember. No worries it will turn up. It’s really wonderful, I’m going to love it. Of course there never was a present, just bad acting. These seem so funny, but really are hurtful. Why did we not leave before our lives blew up? We were devalued, used, yet we stayed.
Props to the Kavanaugh call-back!
Seven weeks after our wedding, my new husband gave me nothing and did nothing – but did wish me happy birthday on the morning of my 40th birthday. The next day he went to the drugstore and found a belated birthday card and a tiny gift box of tea that he left giftwrapped on the table for me to forgive and forget.
Ooo. Ooo. Another one. This one turned out to be a guilt gift.
On the day he first fucked the OW, he ran to Nordstrom and bought me a very expensive business suit/outfit. I was teaching at the time and had no need for such clothes. Also, they were 100% not my taste.
How do I know it was on the day he first had sex with her? I found the receipt when I was doing a post-D-day clean out. He’d told me when they first had sex. Oh, guess what? It was on his birthday. That must have been her BD gift to him. “Meet me at x Hotel, room 222.” So upsetting to think about. Still.
Anyway, it was a thoughtless guilt gift. Took it back immediately.
Spinach, I’m wondering if you could tell something was wrong when he gave you the suit?
I had a very weird birthday right after he started cheating. I told him i didn’t want to do anything. I mean it would be nice if he made dinner or something, but we hadn’t made a big deal of my birthday in years (def since having kids) so I meant “nothing” when I said it.
So he surprised me on Friday (as I’m coming home from work all tired) that i need to pack, and pack for kids to go to grandmas, because we’re going to a hotel. I hate going to hotels. They smell like bleach and I like having all my stuff right there. Well it was the most expensive hotel in our city, a 5-course dinner all the way across town, a comedy show back on the other side of town, and basically the polar opposite of nothing.
It felt horrible, just icky, and i felt extra bad because i wasn’t grateful in the least and just wanted to leave.
Turns out it was a guilt gift, but I didn’t find out until almost a year later. So why did it feel bad? Was it because it was a bad gift (and mean what crazy person wouldn’t want an extravagant evening out, or expensive new clothes)? Or do we just sense the creepy desperate insincerity of it?
My cheater was a super gift giver, oddly. But my sister’s cheating husband was a doozy. He gave her….a box of lotion infused Puffs! Because he made her cry so much and her nose was always red. He actually said that.
However, when she expressed dismay at such a stupid gift, he became enraged. He tore all the Puffs out of the box and threw them around the kitchen.
You couldn’t make it up.
I hope she escaped and I’m glad you did.
Gifts? You got gifts? I would have danced quite a few rounds of pickme for a gift. It would, of course, have been paid for with money that I had earned myself, because he was a deadbeat in the work department too.
Thankful to be older, wiser, and single now. Every gift I buy for myself is perfect…. but the divorce was the best one.
Perfect! I, too, give great thought to getting myself the perfect birthday present now! And as my friend reassured me while I wrote yet another $2000 check to my attorney during those months……..”it’s not an expense. It’s an investment.”
It certainly was an investment. Anyone else notice how low your monthly household expenses are without a FW? I swear, my grocery bill went to about 30% of what I was spending for the two of us, my electric bill and water bill are about half. I buy a large pack of toilet paper about every 3 months instead of every two weeks. It is so weird!!! He was like a having a family of rats living in my house!
He always joked that he didn’t get me anything. Two Christmases before he left, he didn’t lie. Nothing. No apology, no explanation.
For my birthday a few months later I got a bottle of coke, a chocolate bar, and an amazon gift card. Apparently that’s all he could find at the pharmacy on his way home.
Best gift was when he walked out 3 days before my birthday. And had enough nerve to wish me a happy birthday when he picked up my kids for a short visit.
That’s deliberate cruelty coupled with spoilerism. It’s weird how abusers always behave like they’re exacting revenge for some mysterious unknown offense. I think it’s because they create these demented narratives in their heads that paint victims as ogres and monsters who somehow deserve sadistic treatment. Being cruel on special occasions is a typical thing in personality disorder. So glad you’re free of that psycho and thriving.
During our separation and during Covid quarantine, I received an Amazon package in the mail addressed to me. When I opened it, I found a novel by Mark Danielewski and a DVD (the JRR Tolkien biopic that had recently come out). I thought FW had made a mistake putting in the delivery address, so I texted him, and he got SO ANGRY that I would question his GENEROSITY in giving me a GIFT. I was like “last week you told me you hated me and never wanted to speak to me again, so why would I think you’d sent me a gift?”.
Later, he tried to use the gift as leverage to get his own way (“I can’t believe you’re being so difficult, when I was nice and sent you PRESENTS”). I told him never to send me another gift ever.
Most birthdays/christmases he’d just give me cookbooks (which I do love, but which didn’t take a lot of thought since he knew what writers I enjoyed). I always put a lot of thought into the gifts I got him. He didn’t do the same for me. And if I didn’t show enough (his idea of enough – I am a lowkey person) excitement, he’d get angry.
Gifts from FW were not fun. He thought he was buying my compliance, and they always came with a side of expectation from him and most of the time I was punished for not fulfilling his expectations.
For my 40th birthday, my friends took me on a girls’ weekend away with a hotel, fancy dinner out and a trip to a speakeasy. I arranged to be back for my actual birthday, figuring that my husband would have something special planned. I arrived back on my birthday to find that not only was that NOT the case, but he hadn’t gotten me anything, hadn’t arranged for the KIDS to get me anything, and thought that “babysitting the kids” was “my present.” Then, moments after I walked in the door, since he’d been “stuck home with the kids all weekend, he asked if he could go out (one guess with whom). In front of the kids. I was so stunned I said “ok?” and he walked out the door.
LOL. I’d forgotten that.
I drove a mini van which I loved. Ex insisted on buying me a BMW for my birthday. I told him no thank you, I like my van and it was paid for. He was relentless.
One day while wee were out running errands he stopped at the BMW dealership and said that I insulted him by refusing his gift. He pouted, had my brother call me to tell me how much he likes his BMW. I finally gave in.
When we get home he tells me to show the neighbors my car. I didn’t really want it o begin with and it seems tacky to gloat about what I got for my birthday. If it had been a puppy or something I wanted it would have been different.
Eventually the neighbors did see my car and I told them it was my gift from shithead. They asked for rides in the car so I gave them rides. (feeling dumb the entire time). Something just didn’t feel right.
A couple months afterwards cheater decided he wanted something different and moved out.
Leaving me with all the bills, and house expenses, no support and I wasn’t working.
During our hearing, cheater requested that I pay him for the car. Cheater claimed that I constantly complained about having to drive a mini van, I drove him to the BMW dealership and wore him down with my nagging until he bought the car. I told the judge , he’s lying it was a birthday gift.
She said if you have nothing in writing that it was a gift then it wasn’t a gift. I needed to give cheater the money for the car.
Then she added, unless you know someone who will come to court and tell her they knew the car was my birthday gift.
I thought this would be easy, all the neighbors knew it was a gift.
What a surprise it was when I discovered my entire neighborhood had come down with amnesia…
No one remembers the car being a birthday gift.. or my birthday. Was it your birthday Brit? says one neighbor who has a daughter with the same birth date as I do.
Guess who got stuck paying the lying ass $60,000.00 for a car she didn’t want in the first place.
I didn’t have a job, funds came from my share of the house while he rakes in $350,000.00 a year.
Happy birthday… a birthday gift to remember.
As a side note, the female judge was enamored with ex. She’d. say good morning Mr. Shithead when she walked into court room, smiling, unable to keep her eyes off him, she’d then ask how he was doing this morning. Cheater said I’d feel better if I wasn’t here. She burst out laughing, and laughed for what seemed like 5 minutes maybe it was three but whatever it was it was too long and exaggerated. She’d do this after almost anything he’d say, laugh as if it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.. I hate her.
.
I don’t like her either.
What an awful pair of human beings – your ex and the judge.
This reminds me that I really dodged a bullet. Ex kept saying I needed a new car and he really persisted, but I didn’t move and was happy with the car I had. A few months later, he left and I have never been so relieved I didn’t let him get a new car.
I still have my car and he’s had about 6 more cars since we split.
Oh God, you had Miss Prissy from Foghorn Leghorn as a judge?! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MrCLKhJ–A
I know the type because FW in my case seemed to gather an instant fan club among a particular breed of provincial biddy wherever he went. These women were often in positions of power or were gatekeepers to something important so I felt like a hostage having to witness their cringy “girlish” giggling and flirting– two older maternity ward nurses, the passive-aggressive anesthesiologist for one c-section, three terrible fawning RIC therapists in a row, etc.
How that kind of behavior isn’t categorized as sexual harassment is beyond me but I suppose these kinds of disordered women go under the radar because they come off like asexual church ladies. But apparently beneath those drab exteriors lurk wild 50-shades fantasy lives and a collection of pocket vibrators. It may be that not too many men set boundaries against the pawing, particularly if they never had any boundaries to begin with. FW would sit there passively taking in the flattery like a ham being glazed. I realized over time that his fans were all followers of a certain daytime soap because they would often compare him to an actor I’d never heard of until I looked the actor up. Yikes, tacky, no. I hadn’t married FW for appearance so hadn’t taken him for a potential himbo.
The AP turned out to be just a somewhat younger version of soap-fan church lady. I heard from two of her former colleagues that she was an officious dick with peers but had a tendency to go boneless and giggly whenever any man with status or expensive shoes walked by her desk. She was also called to account for favoring male mentees in her capacity as mentor at work. I have seen her future and it’s Miss Prissy.
I was so fortunate to get a really good lawyer.
FW in my case had bought a caddie (used but still expensive). My lawyer negotiated that he get his car back and he had to take over all the bills since he primarily ran them up on stuff he wanted. Plus I got a years temp maintenance to pay me back for the money he spend on whore. I could have gotten three years, but I couldn’t hack it longer than that.
I didn’t get any money, but did get our one little apartment sized property and house that was fully paid for. I took that and my barely above minimum wage job and walked away. Luckily for me he sold everything but the marital house soon after our D was final. (His mother was living in the marital house). Technically if he had defaulted on that I would have had to take over payments, but he didn’t. And shortly he found a property for him and whore out of the county, and he built a tiny MIL house attached to the big house, then he sold the marital house.
I am sure he made a profit on all the property he sold, but I don’t care as I couldn’t pay for any of it anyway, and didn’t want to be bogged down by it. Also, little did I know but within a few years he would be in bankruptcy because instead of reinvesting his money, he gambled it all away.
I ran my credit reports regularly to make sure I was not on the hook for anything.
I hate her on your behalf too. She probably writes love letters to prison inmates.
I HATE her too. What a horrible human.
Last one (I think):
A vibrator. He handed me the wrapped box on Christmas. No warning. I opened it in front of our kids and then mumbled something about it being for sore muscles. ????
Sent it back.
Oh mine too! This must be a classic cheater move. A package arrived UPS, I hadn’t ordered anything, mysterious. I went into my bedroom to open it (thank GOD!) because out flopped a huge dildo. There would be no way to hide that from the teenagers!! I was mortified, he thought it was hilarious, of course. It was heavy enough I could have beat him senseless with it, lol.
Honestly, my FW was so sexually charged and driven to cheat that it was *me* that got *him* a sex toy. He was actively discarding me for GF#3/Wifetress (and I could feel it coming; this wasn’t my first rodeo), so, in the wretched death throes of my very last panicked pick me dance, I bought him a flesh light. (Was I stupidly hoping that he’d turn his energy to me and the sex toy instead of GF#3? Yes.) He was into strippers, porn, and the whole nine yards, so I thought he would enjoy it and maybe even use it? Heck, at the very least I thought he would laugh and consider me forward thinking and sexually progressive (in his estimation).
He was, instead, furious with me. He told me he’d never use something as gross as that and he demanded I return it (I did). I felt humiliated, ridiculed, and cowed. I apologized for days for getting him something so stupid. I felt small everytime he looked at me disgusted and said “How could you think I’d ever use something like that?!”
That coming from the man who cycled through porn, one night stands, and extramarital girlfriends. That was rich. Maybe he just didn’t like that it was something “fun and dirty” that was coming from me.
I think back to days and moments like that and wonder *why on earth* I was trying to keep him in my life?! He was not a keeper but I was trying so hard to keep him.
I got a vibrator one Christmas too. I had been having pain, later diagnosed as vaginismus which can be caused by psychological trauma (gee I wonder what trauma I had been experiencing?!), and STBXFW decided it would be a good idea to “loosen me up down there”. How thoughtful. A gift for him that would cause me pain.
That reminded me Spinach, about a yearish before discard he bought me a vibrator at one of those stores at the mall. Made a joke of it, but wanted to experiment. Of course I went along. I thought later maybe he got it because he knew he was going to drop kick me, so since I was obviously never going to have another man in my life (I mean who could replace him) he wanted me to be able to take care of myself. Whatta guy.
Honestly the gold necklace he gave me at the end of the year of discard. By then I knew he was running around, and given that he had never gifted me with any jewelry (sans wedding rings), it felt like here is your gold watch; your services are no longer needed.
I didn’t keep it, he left NYs day, and the next time I saw my daughter in law, I gave her the necklace.
When FW bailed on our marriage and family (without telling anyone) gifts were the first clue. First, on Mother’s Day he got me nothing. Then on Christmas Eve he said he needed to do some last minute shopping, he was gone ALL day and nearly ALL night. What fabulous gift did he get me after bailing on his family on XMas Eve? Socks.
Those socks were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do…
I usually received nothing from exFW for holidays. He couldn’t be bothered. He set out to ruin all holidays for me and the kids. All the major holidays especially Christmas was so stressful between pleasing him and his entitled family, making it special for the young children and since I work healthcare, usually working at least a partial shift during the days. I ended up crying by the end of Christmas Day because I was so stressed; and I don’t cry.
My first Christmas after the last D-Day was so much fun and relaxing, I had a party for all my friends and family and we had so much fun! It was like a huge smelly fog was lifted!
It’s amazing how much your quality of life improves after getting rid of them, isn’t it?
Mine didn’t even remember my birthday. Once I told him at 3 pm that he forgot. I got a sundae from Braum’s when he got home.
Actual gift? The toaster – when I was on a wheat-free diet for health reasons.
The most hurtful one was my 40th. He asked my 16 year old daughter for ideas and she sent him multiple pictures and links to jewelry (all well within budget). My birthday arrives and nothing. Well, he says, daughter didn’t reply to his inquiries so he had no ideas and opted to get nothing at all. But we could go shopping together! Ok! let’s go! Oh, he didn’t mean NOW.
My daughter later showed me the texts and emails she sent him and she was furious he threw her under the bus. When I confronted him about that, he claimed he’d FORGOTTEN that she had sent him ideas.
Blaming kids. What a loser. Does he also mug old ladies?
Doubly shitty for not only getting you nothing, but putting the onus on your daughter and then “forgetting” she did in fact help him on top of that but not before he threw her under the bus. Bye bye, asshole. UGH.
The ex liked to give me (and others, no doubt) Willow Tree figurines. He had a particular fondness for the ones of couples embracing. He gave me the one called “Promise” (a couple embracing face-to-face) twice. Twice for the one called “Together” (male embracing female from behind as she looks adoringly back over her shoulder at him), as well.
Apparently, when hitting the Hallmark store to grab last-minute gifts designed to charm one’s assorted partners, it’s tough to recall exactly which deeply thoughtful and meaningful things one randomly grabbed last time.
Nifty thing about redundant wooden sculptures, though, is that they make fine kindling. Also, there’s something darkly artsy about how they burn. Been awhile since I looked at the series of photos I took of those faceless couples surrounded by flames as they were gradually reduced to ash, but I remember the entire exercise of photographing the progress of their demise as both figuratively (see what I did there?) and literally satisfying.
My ex liked them as a last minute gift two. He left a bunch of his shit at the house for me to finish packing for him (or he offered rhat just leave it and he would pack and take it in a couple months) and i just tossed them in with his crap that I haphazardly threw in boxes.
That sounds awesome! I burned the large naked women posters that were all over his shop building in the firepit. All those years, I overlooked this thing he collected. As soon as he revealed his ugly hidden life, it was easy to see that the posters were only the tip of the iceberg. Creep. He’s disgusting. I do not know why I ever worked 40 years to make him appear respectable. He never was.
Nice.
Mandalorian Chia Pet
I think I let it sit in a shelf collecting dust for a bit and then I trashed it when he was out of town.
The only decent gift I got was the Xmas before the New Year’s DDay. Guilt much? Also, a card saying I deserve more. Truer words were never spoken.
Not one, but TWO massagers the Christmas I was pregnant with his child, because he didn’t want to massage my sore back all the time from working retail (or, you know, carrying an 8lb bowling ball in my gut). One was handheld and one was a plug in one (and the only outlet available was by the least comfortable chair).
He got a top of the line gps from me that year and a full stocking.
My first FW over 14 yrs gave me:
– 2 shot guns (that were actually for him)
– 2-3 sets of mud tires (that were actually for him)
– 2 different four wheelers/ATV’s (that were actually for him)
– shotgun shells (for him)
– a scope for my my grandfathers antique rifle (that he used and demanded he keep during the divorce)
(Insert eye roll here) I’m sure you get the picture.
Oh! I did get one gift that was intended for me. After a huge fight one of our last years together before Christmas when our kids said “I must have been bad because I had no presents under the tree” 2 days before Christmas, he did (cough cough…thoughtfully????) give me a pair of fuzzy lined ugly dark shit brown crocks with a $100 shoved in them. Yay!!! What a joke. I wore those ugly things around the house like slippers and used the $100 to get my hair done. Geez.
2nd FW who ended up being Bipolar would give me lavish gifts after one of his abusive episodes (especially the physical ones) and if he didn’t think my reaction was worthy enough he would melt down into another episode. It got to the point where I couldn’t express enough gratitude or excitement for him as it was never enough so another manic and abusive episode would ensue. I ended up fleeing for my life in a 24hr window and going into hiding.
Thankful I’ve been out for years now.
Abusers ruin everything. I hope you don’t have PTSD flashbacks when you receive gifts now. After I was stalked by a psycho coworker when I was an intern, I had serial nightmares about receiving deliveries of massive, alien-looking asian lilies wrapped in what looked like crinkly transparent body bags. It took forever to shake off that ominous feeling whenever receiving flowers.
So scary! I would occasionally get panicked when I saw random stuff on my doorstep or at work after I fled and went into hiding. Thankfully, he didn’t know where I moved and I changed jobs quickly so he couldn’t find me.
I think you need step-down therapy of receiving gifts and flowers from safe people every day to make the traumatic association go away. I wish you peony and 24k cold therapy.
gold, not cold, yikes.
He rarely gave me anything, so this was pretty easy. He bought me birthstone earrings for my birthday one year. I don’t really care for my birthstone, and I had mentioned that quite a few times over the years prior. He called me ungrateful and took them from me (no idea what he did with them and really don’t care, lol).
The other was a lovely set of stemless Murano wine glasses at Christmas. This was about 2 weeks after he had tearfully promised to drink less. I kept them in the box and put them away. But I sure did take them with me when I moved out 6 months later!
Oooh, that reminds me! He got me a (crappy, cheap) necklace with a gaudy green stone. “I know your birthstone is emerald” Guess what? My birthstone is sapphire. Guess whose birthstone WAS emerald?
Ugly dragon statue with a crystal. First gift while dating. Not my style or taste. But it was his. I returned it and he got mad. I didn’t see the red flags. I’m an idiot.
Mines not so much a bad gift (and there were plenty of those), but a marriage long reminder of what I did to him.
Back in the early 2000’s the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding came to the theater around my birthday and I wanted to see it. My now XH never mentioned my birthday that year and I finally said I wanted to go to dinner and see that movie for my birthday. He had no response so I knew he didn’t want to go. I even picked a restaurant I knew he liked to make it more palatable to him. ????????♀️
We went.
For the remaining 20 years of our marriage I heard on a regular basis (every few months), about how he had to sit through that stupid movie. He even brought it up as one of my awful qualities during the separation fights before the divorce. How I made him sit through that stupid movie.
It was my birthday, I just wanted to go to a movie.
They have so little to choose from when attempting the blame shift that they do often have to pick utterly harmless things. Let’s see—he betrayed you, but let’s talk about being forced to munch popcorn in a movie theater. Not even close to equivalent, but it’s what they do. (Can’t tell you how many animated movies I sat through when the kids were small. Not what I would pick, but it was fun to hang out with them, and Milk Duds were a bonus. Normal people don’t fester with resentment over putting loved ones first.)
He gave me a catalog from his work to select a gift of athletic gear with his discount.
It took me so long to realize how thoughtless he was because I was groomed by my narc mother who was also a horrible gift giver. I can’t really remember anything that she got me growing up. I do remember always having to share a birthday cake with my brother (golden child) who had a birthday 2 weeks after mine- we definitely waited till his birthday to celebrate. One year my father spent an enormous amount of time effort and care on a gift for me. He had to hide it in the basement while he continued to work on it. My narc sister tried to spoil the Christmas surprise for me by showing me the present in the basement, but fortunately I was too gullible to notice. That Christmas I received the BEST present ever- My Dad had built me a very intricate doll house that was a replica of our own house- I loved that doll house and played with it all the time. After I grew up and moved out (and my father died and I went low contact with my mom and sister) my sister gave that dollhouse to her two daughters to play with without my permission. I was so pissed when I found out. I’m completely no contact with all of them now. I used to make amazon lists for the FW for gift ideas and I once put an incredibly cheap (under $5) pair of earrings on my list hoping the FW would upgrade to something a little nicer, but NOPE got me those cheap-ass earrings. The last Christmas we were together he went to a book store on Christmas eve and picked up some random books, then asked my two boys to pick which one they wanted to give me. One of the books was something I would actually like- with beautiful photography of all the national parks. However, this was right after he asked me for a divorce (and I hadn’t told the kids anything yet) and while I had been paying for our vacations to some of the national parks and had hoped to continue this, the divorce and my new financial situation would make this impossible. So that book of national parks just made me cry so much. He must have known this which is why he picked it- it sort of looks like he’s picking something I like, but he knew damn well there would be no more vacations. total ass.
Masters of subtle evil. Weird how clear that is afterwards.
The long-stemmed red roses were the worst. Was he ever actually with me for a birthday or an anniversary? Nope. Never. But those flowers showed up like clockwork, including on the day before dday. Pretty sure he had the relevant days in his calendar, and made the affair partner of the moment send them.
In any case, have never been a fan of red roses, and happily buy the colors that I do like (orange is the fave, especially at this time of year) for myself now as the spirit moves. The ones in the grocery store are perfect.
My daughter’s boyfriend has given me red roses a few times. Actually a thoughtful gesture from him, so that was fine, but will never be a fan.
Use to just love to receive red roses. Until I saw on our visa charges a florist order to Colorado ( we lived in Florida) and that was Schmoopie’s #1 that I knew of, Valentine roses and I also got them that year)
I hate that he tainted red roses for me and most everything else that showed up in my life for the last 44 years I was with him.
Ex FW gave me red roses every valentine’s day, despite the fact that he knew I didn’t really like red roses. I like the pale peach one. WE HAD THEM AT OUR WEDDING.
But red roses, every time.
I used to save the dried petals. I have the petals of every rose he ever gave me. One day I am going to burn them all.
today is the day for a bonfire, ISTL. #burnparty
I live in an apartment complex, so nowhere to burn them, unfortunately. I’ll probably add OW’s boudoir photos to it (found those when I was cleaning out his house) and maybe her letters as well.
There must be a handbook for FW. Mine did just this same thing. Dozens of red roses appearing on my desk with fulsomely inscribed cards “ALL my love forever” which would be read by my co-workers, who all knew he was cheating. I think the deliveries marked the days after he was with OW.
Oh yeah, the unsolicited guilt flowers! And then the confusion and/or indignation when you’re not grateful enough, a package deal. I almost forgot this.
After DDay FW did NOT want a divorce/consequences. The Valentine’s day after I filed he sent flowers. It was delivered while I was at work and the delivery person called me. I was busy and not running home for FW’s bullshit. I knew the flower shop was two or three minutes from my office so asked if they could bring it to work.
Well they did, and turns out it was a massive embarrassing pink extravaganza of ugly. I mean to the point that I was concerned about being able to take it home. I tried to give it to the secretary/admin but she didn’t want it either. Besides, she pointed out, the card was made out to our children.
Said children are two boys, at the time 5 and 7. Admittedly the elder boy was obsessed with flowers when he was 2 y/o, but I could think of about 7,463,982 things they would like more than $250 worth of pink flowers. It was just a ploy so I couldn’t throw them away or leave them in a random cemetery.
I wasn’t NC yet, and texted FW to tell him No Thank You. He said it was for the kids. I told him he knew that was bullshit and anyway the kids didn’t want it either. He’s still a passive aggressive Nice Guy but at least he didn’t send anymore flowers.
1. After coming home from an overseas business trip, he presented me with a cheap, large hair clip. I had short, cropped hair at the time. I never said anything because it was the “thought” that counts. (What thought was that, anyway?)
2. For my birthday one year, he gave me a FitBit, despite my saying in the days and weeks prior that I didn’t want a FitBit. He really wanted me to lose that motherhood and chump trauma weight. I was, of course, the ungrateful bitch when I spoke up. But allowing myself to express my anger and hurt was the real gift.
Fly fishing gear for me because he liked to fly fish.
Our relationship in a nutshell. We did what he liked.
Most gifts fell into one of three categories:
1. Gifts that reflected his interests: fishing stuff. sex stuff (for me to wear)
2. Gifts that allowed him to show off his wealth/generosity (expensive jewelry)
3. Gifts that were 100% thoughtless, i.e., not my taste at all.
Totally reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer bought Marge a bowling ball and actually had “Homer” inscribed on it.
From your list Spinach the fishing stuff is coming out tops right now.
Spinach I never got fly fishing gear but all the gifts I received from XH were also things he liked and wanted to do. ????.
Raising my ✋ Me too ! I got golf clubs and a tennis racket to accompany him on the course and court. All about him.
Yup, snowboard pants, and I still can’t snowboard 20 years later. Every weekend possible, snowboarding. I used those pants to scoot on my butt down a mountain in the Alps while tears froze on my face. FW was a snowboard instructor and said he would teach me, but apparently has a limited amount of patience.