You Might Be a Cheater If…
Today’s Fun Friday challenge comes from JenPen. Ala Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if…” JenPen suggests “You might be a cheater if…”
For fun and a few much needed laughs…we wondered how many cheater lines we could come up with…well, I just knew the chumps would all have a lot of ideas….and thought it might be a fun post sometime.
“If your Match.com profile shows a headless body…you might be a cheater!”
We’ve done this one for “You might be a chump if…” But now it’s time to give cheaters a turn!
You might be a cheater if:
…You can’t remember how many phone carrier plans you have.
…You do all your texting on the toilet.
…Your Girls Night Outs have no girls.
Your turn to play! TGIF!
You might be a cheater if the photo you use for your match.com profile is a selfie of you and your mobile, taken in a toilet.
You might be a cheater if ……your wife and your girlfriend EACH post an obituary in the SAME newspaper. http://www.littlethings.com/two-obituaries-leroy-blast-bill/?utm_source=shemarm&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=obits
. . . and your legs are numb from sitting there so long!
…Have a photo of a woman in a little black dress your shirt pocket on Thanksgiving, but tell your wife you “Have no idea who it is, haven’t worn that shirt in years”
…Have a picture of you and a pretty woman on your cell phone, and tell your wife “she is a Stripper, and I was counciling her”
…Your wife remembers you said something like that to her decades ago
…You come home at 3:00 a.m. from an “Important Business Meeting” (after your wife ironed your shirt, shaved your neck, and styled your hair) You were late because there was “so much traffic!”
…You immediately erase all phone messages on your brand new iphone, but wife recovers erased message to hear a womans voice cooing “Oh,Gaslighter! I can’t wait to see you!” (Kicks your sorry ass out that very minute)
…After long separation and Gaslighting your way back into Wreckonciliation, you tell your wife you will be home soon, are at an early breakfast meeting with a big client and VP of a National Bank.
…but It is Sunday
…And Monday is Martin Luther King day, a banking holiday
…your wife of 36 years files for Divorce
and I’ll add:
…You pose shirtless and are wearing mirrored sunglasses. [men]
…You take an angled boob shot to highlight your cleavage. [women]
You might be a cheater if you “love your partner but are not in love with them anymore”
your penis falls into your secetary
Haha, totally!
Ah, yes. The universally applied cheater mantra about love vs. in love. Mine said ‘Wife, you’re my best friend, but I don’t feel about you the way a husband is supposed to feel about a wife.’ So true, just not in the way he meant. Husband’s are SUPPOSED to open their mouth hole and speak words about their supposed unhappiness and ask for counseling or a divorce, not bang a stripper for 5 months while I’m at home with our infant and toddler. A husband is SUPPOSED to protect and keep his wife safe, not intentionally hurt her more than any other human being ever has. And, a husband is SUPPOSED to be a man and take responsibility for his actions, not whine like a 13 year old little bitch and claim none of this was his fault, because his happiness = the only happiness that matters out of the four of us. Gag.
I feel compelled to point out that this is the exclusive domain of men.
My STBXW said the exact same thing — she wants to be someone’s decked out blonde on the Camaro with come hither eyes — and get the accolades that go with it — and put me through hellish emotional abuse in order to do it.
All on the name of (her words) ‘becoming the person I was always meant to be.’
So your vehemence might want to be altered to “What is it with all of these disordered PEOPLE?” (Or more accurately ASSHOLES)
You are right, 100%. I get used to using the cheater vernacular in the masculine, but it is certainly not relegated to men! As Chump Lady points out, it’s not a male/female issue, it’s a LACK OF CHARACTER issue. Best to you in recovering from the bad taste left by your Tawny Kitaen wanna-be!
Ho.Ly.Sh*t!
Honey&, I have NEVER heard anyone whose ex used the same line — exactly! — as mine, until now! THANK YOU for sharing your story!
Ugggg…what is it with these disordered men? Do they not understand that life is not like a Def Leopard video? No, I am not some half-dressed skank with giant hair on top of a Camaro giving you come-hither eyes. I just had your babies and I’m a sane, funny, intelligent woman who tolerates your laziness and praises you when you do the slightest helpful thing while I bust ass for both of us. It’s never enough somehow. They have to have that fresh, new attention. They want the fantasy of a stripper-turned-housewife praising their manhood and showering them with accolades. Well, mine sure got what he wished for! He’s married to his AP, and a stripper turned housewife is exactly what she is. Teenage boys with arrested development who never grew up. That’s what they are. Sad to hear we relate, but happy to know the cheater playbook can now officially add one more go-to cliche!
http://www.honeyandthehomewrecker.com is where you can read the rest of my story. Hugs!
+1
Yep
You might be a cheater if you have deleted all the messages from that secret friend you have never mentioned.
+ yet another one
+ another 1
+1
You might be a cheater if you change screens on your computer every time your family walks into the room.
or you might have a serious porn problem. haha
serious porn problem = cheater
Although it’s taking people a long time to figure out that virtual sex also constitutes infidelity. It took me over ten years to make that realization, after lots of gaslighting “It’s just to relax. Aren’t you glad I’m not doing it with REAL women? It’s not cheating!” But by the time I did make that call, there were multiple physical relationships as well so it didn’t matter much.
Your wife is taking “your”coat to take cleaners and finds a receipt for porn movie rentals from the hotel room you were in while you were on a business trip, you deny it, then blame her for snooping. Throw out a few things changing the subject like she’s Bipolar, tell her you’re seriously concerned about her mental health, or I can never make you happy, ask her if she’s ever happy, to divert the attention from you to her.
If she won’t let it go, hey, sorry, you need porn to relax after that grueling, long hour flight.
It certainly is infidelity.
or slam your laptop shut when the spouse walks into the study.
^This!
soooooo this ^
Yes!
You might be a cheater if…You can got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food again on the way down.
(Sorry)
+1 — LOL!
. . . or so far up your ass you have to unzip to see where you’re going.
Damn, that’s an even better Stupid Human Trick than the simultaneous jerk-off/typing one.
You know you’re a cheater (and seriously disordered) when you’re jerking of to porn on the big screen TV while simultaneously reading the latest Clive Cussler on your iPad.
Ah, so that’s where his head went. I would pass through the living room on my way to do some household chore and occasionally see him sitting there headless. It looked like he was sitting on a bowling ball, I just never put two and two together before. I was too fixated on why the glow from his cell phone light was reflecting from his rectum like a lighthouse beacon. I’m sure it wasn’t to find his way out, but get further in because he even thought his own shit smelled sweet.
Coffee just came out my nose. Thank you.
Okay, you two. You almost owed me a keyboard. LMAO.
*get!!
comedy..its all about timing
There is a medical term for that…. cranialrectumitis!!
You may be a cheater if you have, recently bought new out of character underwear, have taken up shaving your junk and are never home when you are meant to be because you always have a pressing issue to manage.
Omgah! Mine did the same exact “new underwear” shopping spree right before I found out. He even took the liberty of modeling them for me (during which I admittedly chuckled through the big “show” with an, “Oooookay…???). Red flags were waving at full mast and here I was thinking he was just in a weird shopping phase. I was somewhat right in my assumption; he was shopping around for dirty whores, after all.
All three! New underwear is how I knew for sure. My STBX is super cheap and his all had holes before he got am AP.
Or I bought all his (designer, imported) underwear, and actually every item of clothing he ever wore for over 25 years, just for her to tell him what outstanding taste he has, and how great his body looked in what he wore – especially his underwear. Ah, yeah! I have a pretty good eye! And like she’d know! Bought everything in mum-grey that was ever made…
Needless to say my habit of regularly surprising him by buying for him stopped. Immediately. Comical to watch him try to dress himself. Ditto the grooming (ear hair!) Just couldn’t be arsed making him look good anymore. Funny that.
Omg funny…. when we met I said to myself “ok, wearing x and y is not a biggie… easy to change that”
15years of marriage- I was buying clothes for him, he looked good.
Last trip we took, I was saying nothing at all, focused on buying/ packing for myself and kids.
Pics tell all: an attractive, well dressed lady with cute kids and a man with a mismatched outfit.
Yep, go for it
Me too. He always had compliments on his sartorial splendour. Nothing but the best, you know! Dress shirts, $ 150 but worth every dollar. I dressed him well. Now, he’s on his own and I hear his live in ” doesn’t shop ” so he’s back to buying $ 19.99 shirts like he did when
he was 16 years old living with his cheap dad. Not my circus, not my monkey anymore.
She should have picked you instead. Bet she’s pissed when she realises she got the booby prize
She didn’t even get the booby prize, Midlifeblast. He had finished the affair before I ever had a clue. “Choosing” me. And I didn’t even have to do a Pick Me Dance! Awesome, right? She told me via text message about six weeks after he ended it with her, while we were at a friend’s birthday party that she was supposed to be at. How lucky was I? The Chosen One. Yup. So damn lucky 😉
Mine too!!!! I wonder if she likes his nasty hole ridden undies now…because we all know a leopard doesn’t change its spots and he’s back to his old ways.
Lol, I used to have to throw his holey underwear away for him and buy new ones.
OMG, mine went from totally white to all different colors! And yea I was still washing them and putting them away!!
Yours wore Underoos too? Mine would come home with new shirts and come out asking me if they matched his pants. I’d look and say, “You’re wearing blue jeans.” His response, “Yeah, but do they match.”
You might be a cheater if:
You switch from tightie whities to plaid boxers
yep, he did that
or start buying extensively from Undergear.
You might be a cheater if You accuse your wife of being “jealous and insecure” of a whore you are dating behind her back.
yup yup yup
You might be a cheater if you and howorker get fired within minutes of each other.
Your might be a cheater if: you give your wife the go ahead to have a “friend” after you called him out on his inappropriate “friend”ship! ?
You might be a cheater if: You accuse your wife of cheating on you after you are busted
Mine did the same thing! When I went on a marriage forum after his affair was discovered, he started to accuse me of cheating on him now w strangers on line !!!
You might be a cheater if you go to the hotel near your office to “sleep off a headache” when home is 20 minutes away.
Sunrise
You might be a cheater if you take a whore out to eat, get drinks at the casino, and get a hotel a mile away.
I called him on it when I saw his bank statement. Quickly, he replied,”what if I was too drunk to drive?”
My reply, “because you booked the HO Jo the day before.”
Why not own it? No, lying till the end.
It gave me a headache to read that….
+1
You might be a cheater if you can justify kissing another man’s girlfriend by assuming you’re rescuing her from her “evil, evil, boyfriend”.
They think they are really fated for each other and that becomes The Justification for everything they do behind their SOs back.
The other women also truly think this as they are saving our husbands from us. So pathetic.
-zero can’t marry her be cause hel will lose his health insurance. Yet he assured me he wouldn’t marry her. He’s looking to hit pay dirt with the other OW. Phone records don’t lie.
Turns out OW are saving us from our hisbands.
He’s yours now!
I wish I could “like” comments. I swear I’m going to send her flowers one day! They are looking miserable and I hear they fight a lot….waiting for just the right moment to send her a thank you bouquet.
Me, too! Once the divorce is final and they can get engaged. She can’t have him actually living with her until they are engaged or married (her divorce decree, cause she still has little ones….ha,ha,ha)
I discovered mine had already been engaged to Toothless the Whitetrash Whore for 6 months before I discovered the affair–his reply “Well her ring isn’t as nice as yours….” Needless to say I cancelled the 25 year anniversary party I was planning….
Freddypagaga, What. The. Fuck? He was engaged? Do you think these guys are idiots all along? How do they live?
So TRUE! They do us a favor!
Oh yes, in hindsight it’s a wonderful thing! The best karma is that she has him now…my past is her future, bahahahahahah! Good luck special snowflake.
…if your wife just doesn’t understand you and you have sooo much more in common with …pretty much everybody else!
LMAO!!!! Yep, everyone else on the planet.
Similar to the “I get along with everyone else but you,” what does that tell you Brit??
It tells me you’re full of shit.
^^^^^This!!!
Yes!!!! Absolutely this^^
I only wish there was a prize, this would win.
+ 1
And the question “do you REALLY see us being together for the long term?” after 20+ yrs of marriage
That’s fucking unbelievable. My stbxw told me (after 21 years married, 25 together) “I never really was the marrying kind.”
You might be a cheater if you complain to your girlfriend that your wife doesn’t trust you.
Love it!
Nice one, Carmella. In my case: you may be a cheater if you complain to your girlfriend’s HUSBAND that your wife doesn’t trust your “friendship” with his wife. This OW’s husband emailed the ex saying, “I don’t know how you can live with someone so distrusting.” Talk about ass end of the stick. This was shortly after I discovered the affair and the ex was madly scrambling to make sure I was portrayed as the crazy one. It’s been a year now and so happy I can laugh about everything that happened. Well, most days. 🙂
Yeah, OW sometimes would text my H that they couldn’t meet up after work because her husband was driving her and picking her up, and that he didn’t trust her. My husband’s response was “you can’t live like that.”
Ha! Carmella. Hilarious. And sadly, very painfully true.
That’s funny 🙂
You might be a cheater If you tell your girlfriend that time you spend with your own child is “playing Daddy” and that you are ” bored” by it. And she then tells you what a “good father” you are. And of course, she’s a “wonderful mother”, whoring with a married man in front of her teenage daughter. Wow, it’s amazing when you write it down.
The kids are collateral damage and the cheaters are too selfish to realize it. They really do think that they are good fathers and it’s insulting to the actual amazing Dads out there.
Yep. Mine would fantasize of impregnating me just to get the OW jealous. Sick bastard.
You might be a cheater if . . .
. . . You’re in a “committed relationship” with several people who don’t know each other exist.
. . . Your idea of a “friend” involves swapping bodily fluids.
. . . You can greet news of horrific emotional trauma suffered by those who have sacrificed the most for you with the dead-eye stare of a week-old grouper in a fish market display cooler.
Yes, I know the dead eyed stare, I called it reptilian, reminded me of the lizards I see in the garden or behind the glass at Petco. I can’t look at a reptile without thinking of him. X eye’s protrude, always reminded me go those big lizards whose eyes move in different directions. I like the dead fish comparison,good description like a dead fish, looking past me. From now on anytime I see a dead fish (Grouper) X will come to mind. Slimy like a dead rotting fish.
Thankful, I laughed at “any words spoken in reference infidelity deliberately being spoken in some distant tribal act” it’s weird how they’re able to go into a trans like state. X would walk around the house in a trans state months prior to his exit, occasionally he’d throw in a look of disdain.
When X did announce he was leaving he looked past me with with the grouper look as I was devastated and begging him to stay, or talk about why, he said he didn’t want to hear my drama. Asshole shatters my world and he doesn’t need the drama..
That. So much that! I always loved his dark brown eyes but after discovering his affair and reading up on the commonalities of cheaters (so much the same, so very unoriginal) memories came flooding back of that dead stare and very little blinking. I just recently finished watching “The Fall” and wow, talk about flashback.
“Dead-eye stare”-YES! callous and unfeeling when you are an emotional wreck…
I also received (still do sometimes) the kicked puppy dog look. That is, when he can actually look me in eyes which lately, has become less and less.
Once again, Nomar, you go to the heart of it……You summed it up for me!
Oh, the dead eyed fish look, like a week old groper in a fish market window. love it!
I found that this was always accompanied with total deniability, as if all questions being asked in reference to any form of infidelity were deliberately being spoken in some distant tribal dialect.
your not accountable if you don’t understand the question.
you might be a cheater if you claim to love your wife but are un able to get it up majority of the time.
if your penis is crusty majority of the time
or if you have a log on to Ozzie frogs.com and pretend to spend hours looking at and communicating with others on the sight because all your spare time need to be spent communicating with other and sharing you love of broken-down crap box european cars. this was what mine was looking at overtime I entered the room when he was on the computer, yet
ooooooooh you might be a cheater if you have a need to keep clearing you browser history.
Crusty penis? Is that an STD?
It’s just another long-hair band from the 70″s. You know, old men with saggy balls who are getting back together for one last tour. Their opening act is The Easy Vaginas.
Groan!
You should have told him “there’s an app for that”. Clearing browser history I mean.
Ba ha ha ha????
Yep, I was on the receiving end of the dead fish look. That made me want to punch him in the scrotum.
You might be a cheater if you claim that the affair you insist never happened is over.
“SHE’S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!” *rolls eyes*
He got so mad when I called her his girlfriend because in his mind he wasn’t really having an affair. They were just friends that went on dates apparently.
Yep, I got the “she’s not my gf” bs too, ’cause that would make him a cheater and he doesn’t cheat. Even though he was screwing her and screwed others in my home while we were married and before we married. He denied it to the day he finally took his stuff and his mom out of my house two weeks after the divorce. He slipped up and mentioned the “three of them”. Then denies he is living with the slut puppet, who I know for a fact he has been living with for the past year. The crazy doesn’t stop.
So, you know your a cheater (and a sociopath) when you believe your own lies in the face of clear and absolute evidence to the contrary (photos of your pp in her mouth, in our home, for one of hundreds of examples).
Same here…he was sure that he and Schmoopie had invented some new category of human interaction and when I referred to her as his “girlfriend”, he looked shocked and said “She is not my girlfriend” whereupon I reviewed the common usage of the word proving him wrong
I, too, referred to the OW as his girlfriend. His MARRIED girlfriend. Because she’s the wife of a couple we met while travelling. When I discovered what was going on (emotional affair, emailing, texting, Skyping when her husband wasn’t home, secret cell phone, and then banging each other when we travelled with them to Italy) and asked him to end the affair, his response was, “she lives in another country and is totally devoted to her husband and will never leave him, so what’s your problem?” I mean really, how do you respond to something like that? Other than head in the opposite direction.
Mine went ballistic when I told him, “Tell your piece of shit work whore to stop calling the house.” When he told me I was crazy, I replied, “Oh, that’s right. You are unemployed again. It’s just
piece of shit whore’ now. My bad.”
mine pulled the line before I even knew about chumplady I love you but Im not in love with you. that killed me. Then I said is there someone else and he said no and I said right then I said well whoever she is she must be some piece of work because nice women dont steal other womens husbands and he said she isnt LIKE THAT WTF
+1
+2. You might be a cheater if said formerly non-existent but now over affair still isn’t over. You’re just “trying to ease her down gently” or ” trying to break up with her slowly so she won’t go crazy — because you don’t want her to hurt your wife.”
I like a thing I’ve seen on Facebook, can’t remember it exactly. Something like
“If you wonder if hiding/deleting texts/emails/phone calls, makes you a cheater, you already are one.”
Sorry for the bad interpretation.
Don’t be sorry for that quote speaks the truth.
You might be a cheater if you hold your phone a little too close to your body all the time.
You might be a cheater if your phone use is 5 times anyone else on the family plan.
You might be a cheater if you cheat….lie….steal….and pretend it’s all so innocent.
…and hide under the blankets and txt. Or run into the bathrooms w phone attached to the arm. If trying to hold or use their phone, OMG!!!! Yould think you were asking the impossible!
Having to ask spouse over & over if everything is ok w them. Having children ask the cheater if they are ok too…
Oh, I never want to go thur ever again living w all the early uncertainties.
If your spouse confronts you with incriminating evidence taken from your cell phone or computer, and your only response is “Well, it’s obvious that you can’t be trusted either,” you might be a cheater.
I got threatened with prosecution for hacking and invasion of privacy when I discovered his emails. On my own computer. On the Internet account in my name. The one I adminstered to set up his email. Ass.
when you accuse your wife of violating YOUR privacy when she catches you at an Asian massage parlor with hookers using find my iPhone app because you are late to your own fathers birthday party & keeping your entire family waiting!!!!
Yeah, when he left his computer unlocked “by accident” and I found emails detailing how long they had been cheating, he accused me of “unlawfully hacking” into his private account. Then he threatened to have me arrested for it.
No lie.
Oh yeah, I can’t be trusted now either, because I dared to open a new bank account in my name only…
You might be a cheater, if you put your secret Friend’s number in your phone under a man’s name. Oh, these cheaters are oh so clever.
Geekman, Anita, current chump,Sausalito, etc… So right on!
Aunt Podger, I too had a control freak, but mine was w food. I could never have appetizers, dessert, cheese, pastries, ice cream, or seconds. He had such an eating disorder or that he refuse to recognize. We fought over food a lot, what I could eat and what I could not eat .
Friends would tease him and tell him he was gaining weight and then I was the one who suffered and couldn’t eat anything.
I would tell friends not to do this because I was the one that would be paying for it, but they thought it was funny because he was so anal about his weight gain.
He was determined to stay his weight that he was in college he was now down to 62.
Throughout my 40s and 50s I would hide eating food and only eat what I like when he was away working. My sister would watch and cover for me if we were out to a restaurant if she saw him come in we would switch plates.
I never gained weight and probably never would other than when I went into menopause and I would tell him believe me I will lose the weight because I like clothes to much.
Our 28th year he had an affair with a woman that was much heavier than me .
This is funny – I was in the very last stage of “lining up the ducks” and I managed to get into his phone for the first time in a long time. Not going to change anything, but hey – why not? He didn’t even have the sense to change her name to Dave or something. Just her normal name and at 7:45 in the AM on Saturday they had already been talking about some sex dream that she had had. I was like doing the “face palm” in my head.
I confess, my cheater was so pathlogically possessive of me, I labeled any friends or family members he did not approve of as “bank” (my mother), [landlord) (my college roommate), etc. I never called them without his express permission, nor did I ever speak to a person of the opposite sex without him in the room and listening to both sides of the conversatio. He had all my passwords. I had… a sham of a marriage.
I guess I deserved his affairs and abuse. I did lie to to him by secretly keeping the ability to call my parents, even if I never actually did so. Idevote my life to being better than that… and happily single forevermore
Aunt posher I was starting to feel bad too podger! I had to hide any male contact I had under another name. He was especially insane about an ex of mine I broke up with amicably. 7 years before meeting him. We remained platonic friends. Talked on the phone if it had to do with Union matters, never met for lunch, coffee, rarely saw each other at work, maybe once in passing every 6 mos or so. Much of the secrecy I had around hiding friends numbers were to protect him. I never wanted anyone to know I was living like this.
He would read my texts, emails but never find anything. It was like being in the military and all of a sudden there’s a pop up inspection of computers and phones. He would demand I do FaceTime to make sure I was at work like I said I was.
Found out he was cheating on me the whole time. Even had a seperate apartment I knew nothing about….shit
You deserve to be respected and treated as an adult and not have your life monitored by an overlord. That is abuse. Anyone who tries to manipulate you into isolation is an abuser. You deserve to have friends of your choosing and family. He can go right back to hell. Any time you feel the need to hide things in your relationship, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. There’s a big difference between hiding your phone because you’re having an affair and hiding your phone because you called your mom. In both cases you were being abused and for that YOU are owed the apology. I am so sorry you had to experience that type of treatment.
Thank you. I needed that. I am crying.
AnnieGetYourGun is spot-on, every single word. NO ONE deserves affairs and abuse. Please, he’s done enough harm. Don’t give him one second more help by taking one whit of responsibility for HIS cruelty and evil.
You are amazing for having survived. Know that, and if you don’t, or you falter, come back and read her post. I wish I could give you a hug. Airborne will have to do. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
Update: BOTH of AnnieGetYourGun’s posts are spot on.
You have value. Don’t ever forget it. Look in the mirror and repeat, “I have value and demand respect.” Believe it. If anyone tells you differently or treats you unkindly just hold up your hand to cut them off and walk away. They are not worth one more second of your time.
Yes – she was “Electrician” (he’s a contractor), and he was “Lori”.
My ex-husband did that. That’s how I caught him. I asked him why he was texting “Shane,” telling “him” how “he” looked nice and asking about “his” Valentine’s plans. “Shane” was all alone on Valentine’s because “his” kids were with their fathers. (Yup. Plural.) Then, in the same conversation, he invited “Shane” over. “Shane” had plans with “his” girlfriends that night, but would be available much later. My ex invited “Shane” to come over when “he” was done with the Girls Night Out, but warned “him” to call him first. (My ex worked and lived out of town four nights a week.)
Do cheaters really leave the text evidence on their phones? My cheating husband wiped his texts immediately. Or did you have some other way of finding out…(and please, tell me what it was!)
Yep, Martin was only listed as M in her phone. I had to call in the FBI to decode that one for me. I never would have figured it out for myself 🙂
Mine was Max. As in her last name, maxwell. But ironically used her dog as her “face”. The dog is waaaaaaay cuter. Should have used a horse head.
ANC, the horse’s other end would have been more fitting.
Ascher was really A…whore! Gotta give him points for alliteration though
Yep. And tag it with your favorite hobby “tennis” just to add a layer of plausibility. Oh that person? Someone I play tennis with now and then.
In my case, tagged with “Accountant.” Why do you need to call the company’s accountant on her cell phone at 6:30 in the morning???
Exactly!!!
Uh huh.
Yep, mine did that, of course it was the only contact in his secret phone!
+ 1
brilliant, aren’t they?
Same.
Preston was really elizabeth. Knew I hit rock bottom when I asked why he was texting Preston at 2am.
Yes! Sarah = Steve
my cheater and the OW call each other King and Queen. Gross!
Asswipe and whore juice called each other master and mistress and always called him sir. Also sickening.
One of the earlier D-Days for me was finding a list of nicknames Nowdeadserialcheaterwife and her “twu wuv” had for each other (this was before he cheated on her.)
“Husband” and “Wife” were literally on the list.
Even she just didn’t even try to gaslight her way out of that one. The cookie jar pieces were there on the floor at her feet. She just plead down to EA, and said she’d never talk to him again.
Yes, of course I bought it. Sigh.
This was within a year of marrying me.
yep +1
Anita +1
You might be a cheater if you disguise your adultery partners phone number in a second contacts entry of your friends name.
You might be a cheater if your spouse goes looking for evidence on a hunch, finds it, asks you about it, you deny say its only a casual thing thing, means nothing and why were you invading my privacy!
Oh the classic “invasion of privacy”. I definitely got that one too!
Me, too, regarding the invasion of privacy. Oh well, he’s got all the privacy in the world now. Love it.
Don’t you just love the “Invasion of privacy” bullshit?
When stbx gave me that crap statement on Dday, I told him that I thought our marriage was private?!
So happy to be rid of that assclown
But I used to tell him he was invading my privacy. I hated that he would go through my phone and read my texts! Some of those texts were private conversations between friends ad myself not meant for him to see, personal situations, problems friends are having. I told him my friends text me not you! I tried to show by example and not do the same to him. Then one day I did . Every time I found something incriminating .
You may be a cheater if your partner finds a text in your phone telling a women how beautiful she is and you ask her on a date and your response to her is “what about you fucking your ex at work?” Even though you have no evidence to prove this ever happened…..and you continue to repeat this response until your partner ends up trying to defend herself against these false accusations….mission accomplished .
Haha! Ain’t that the truth. Philander away, divorcee!
ditto
LOL! It goes from “you are mistaken” to “nothing happened” to “we’re both married so we didn’t cross that line” to “it didn’t mean anything” … hmmmm
Yes, how could you snoop through my personal things (gasp)? Um, how about a more important question like how could you keep a love letter from your whore in your briefcase, you idiot? Oh, that’s old he said you know I broke it off months ago.
Well, did you read it? Because I did and she included the date.
You might be a cheater if you have a tube of K-Y jelly clearly visible in the mesh pocket of your bookbag that you place on the podium while you teach class.
That is creepy and disgusting. I hope the teaching evals mentioned the K-Y jelly so the Dean’s office could address it.
this
This
You might be a cheater if you spend thousands of dollars on credits for a dating site while still being married to your clueless wife.
You might be a cheater if your spouse points out the enormous amount of text messages to your “Friend” over the course of a cell phone billing period so you move said Friend to a texting app which your chumpy spouse discovers only to respond, “well I didn’t want to upset you with all those text messages when you pay the bill.”
Dealt with that one for sure!
You might be a cheater if you justify hiding your technology with the excuse, “If you saw what’s in it, you would accuse me of cheating.”
You might be a cheater if … you complain your wife never wants to do anything with you anymore, but you’re a passive-aggressive shit to her on date nights … because you’re secretly comparing her to the other women you go out with and they’re “more fun.”
YES– I remember the last date I went out on with ex-cheater shortly before D-Day. We went out to dinner, and I remember sitting there while he told me, in excruciating detail, all about one of his grad classes. It was like the social studies class scene with Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: “Anyone…? Anyone…? Voodoo economics…?”
When I think about that, I have to laugh that he was the one who cheated. I can’t say that my final memories of our time together were filled with his romantic gestures or sparkling conversation. He clearly didn’t need to cheat to get away from me– he cheated to get away from himself. Only… oops. As Emerson once wrote, “My giant goes with me wherever I go.”
Wow, thank you for this A-ha moment!
One of the best things about CN is posting something you’re not sure anyone will understand … and then finding out you’re not alone and that move was right out of the Cheater Playbook. OMG!
And yep on the competition. When I confronted him about his behavior, I couldn’t believe that in his arrogant, entitled mind, I — his wife — was in competition with ANYONE, let alone his whores. Whores who probably believed that boring wifey just didn’t understand him anymore. I wonder if they got the message that if they weren’t fun and entertaining enough he’d put them in the same category as the old ball and chain. Kibbles, kibbles everywhere.
At first I was hurt and humiliated. Then I was furious for a long time. Now it makes me laugh because it’s another story of Cheese Fries’s asshattery. Hard to believe I used to think the mask was the real him.
“Cheese Fries” is the best, disdainful moniker!!!
I used to call him The Entitled One which also fits. As I was processing our twenty-two-year relationship, I had to swallow the fact that I knew he what he was before we even started dating but I spackled like hell because the good times were so good. Back in college, he told me he and his friends used to have some ongoing bet about sleeping with different women — women who were in relationships. I don’t remember the exact details but the prize was Cheese Fries at the student union. And I knew he’d cheated on his long-distance girlfriend. I assumed he would grow out of that juvenile crap simply because I couldn’t imagine anyone NOT growing out of it. So now I call him Cheese Fries to remind me that he never changed, he’s still the guy I knew he was before I put my blinders on.
My stbxw told me about the time she and a friend were in a club, and the friend dared her to go up to and seduce the hottest guy there. Which she did, and ended up spending several days on his sailboat, blah, blah, blah. Should have figured…
+1 here too
You know you’re a cheater when you bring new sex moves into the bedroom & say “women like that’. I kid you not
Mine did the same! I had to tell him that ‘spitting on your hand isn’t foreplay”. His response, “oh, I thought that’s what women liked”.
OMG!!! The spitting on the hand!! WTF???????
Wow, Mavis, your X sounds like a real treat (not). What a creepy fucker.
yep. Very creepy Tempest – thanks for validating
OMG I lived that! It’s hard to compete with new and shiny especially when you didn’t even know new and shiny existed.
Bingo!
Yup.
You might be a cheater if you suddenly start taking herbal male enhancement pills but tell your wife it is to promote bone health. Boner, more like it.
Ha! Yes, mine had Horny Goat Weed.
I used to MAKE mine drink horny goat weed cos he was such a lame
Hahahahaha.
LOL!
…If you can’t muster the hand-eye coordination required to change a baby’s diaper or fold a load of laundry, but you can easily sext long Penthouse Forum type paragraphs one-handed while jerking off with the other.
Too bad David Letterman isn’t on anymore. That’s a great Stupid Human Trick!
Eeeeww!
You might be a cheater if you think the classic movie “Gaslight” is an instructional video.
Brilliant!!? 😀
you tell your wife how luck you are that you have two best friends, her and the woman young enough to be your daughter that you hide texts from because she signs them xoxo.
4 weeks into your marriage you ask your spouse if they have anyone they “regret” not being “with”.
6 weeks into your marriage you secretly cash out the honeymoon funds from your wedding.
You might be a cheater if:
1. You buy condoms and your wife has had a hysterectomy.
2. Your cell phone can’t be more than an arms reach away and always face down.
3. You go out with the friends that you don’t really have.
4. You send a text to your girlfriend declaring your love but your wife gets it.
5. You have to look up the word “defendant” when you get served.
6. You’re a Fucktard.
Having to look up the word “defendant” cracked me up–mine hated being referred to as the “respondent,” especially when it meant he had to sit behind me in court with a big sign in front of him. It also reminds me of my neighbor, a man I strongly suspect is a narcissist but I don’t know him well enough to be sure. The other day when we were out in our yards chatting, he and his wife started arguing about whether or not they’d both been deposed in a lawsuit between other neighbors that happened a few years before I moved in. Clearly hubby wanted to be right but obviously had a shakey grasp of the facts, and his wife refused to back down on her insistence that she had, in fact, been deposed. He got angry and exasperated and finally said, “All I know is that they did not deport ME.” She came back with, “Well, you should have been deported. But the word you were looking for is ‘depose.'”
Hey, at least yours used condoms. That’s a rarity in Cheaterville, you must have gotten a special one!
Yes, but not always – I was pissed about the condoms because:
A. There was no chance of getting pregnant
B. I was infertile due to an emergency op and nearly died during the procedure so to bring condoms ( flavoured) into the bedroom 2 mths later was a bit of an insult!
C. He wasn’t consistent – maybe my vagina wasn’t always angry …… enough ???
Either way, infertility with a cheater sucks especially if you invest a long time with someone and find yourself at 40+ childless, homeless and wondering who the hell you have been living with half your life .
The only advantage is that you have not procreated with the fucktard so no contact is possible from the start.
Yes!!! This I knew it was not just me with the condoms, in my case XH periodically insisted on using them in the bedroom post hysterectomy because my vagina ‘irritated’ him – maybe ‘it’ knew something I didn’t ???
I also bought the periodic ‘ man scape’ explanation as male grooming gone overboard ?
Man scaping is just vain and gross! Ewwwww! Not very manly if he wants to do this. Asswipe did it cause of the whore he is a pretty hairy guy. I told him want to look better for the whores? Shave your back and butt hair. A slong is supposed to be manly not pretty you whiny little bitch!
The Coward left an enormous mound of gray pubes, unflushed, in the master bath toilet before BD. Aside from being gag-inducing, it was another giant “fuck you” to me. And he looked ridiculous. I hope it itched.
It looks like a young boy its just gross and very creepy. Turn off for me.
It looked like he had taken a weed-whacker to his tallywhacker. It just looked horrible.
Bahahahah! The more I think about it. Bahahahahah!!!
Asswipe always referred to caveman mentality when speaking of the relationship roots. My only comment was im sure cavemen didnt shave their pubes to empress whores. He shut up always referring to cavemen but uh wake up dude its 2016, where are all your tribal tattooes and piercings? Asshole. Cavemen is no excuse for cheating. What an idiot?!
I busted out laughing and said it looked like a boys and not a man. He asked me doesnt it look trimmer and neater? No i said it looks stupid your supposed to be a man. Turns out the whore liked it and also the beard he grew. I hate a beard on him it doesnt make him more handsome, less handsome, some guys just dont look good in beards and way older. But some guys are just plain stupid. No offense to all guys but if you manscaping dont. Ewwww!
Ohhhhhhhh, you guys are so hilarious!!
Too bad he didn’t.
I’d be happy to use a weedwhacker on any cheater looking to manscape/womanscape. No cost. Feel free to offer my services to your X.
I’ll hold your purse (or him down, whatever is necessary).
Thanks, Annie, I knew you’d have my back (or my purse, or spare weedtrimmer twine).
I hope he nicked his scrotum. A couple times. (Sorry, guys here.)
My vagina “knew something I didn’t.” Now that’s a cartoon I don’t think Chump Lady can post, but the mental image caused me to choke on my coffee. I’m laughing so hard tears are running down my legs.
Looking back ….I am kinda proud I had an ‘angry vag’
+1
Geez…I almost just choked on my yogurt.
You might be a cheater if your husband had a vasectomy 3 years ago and you get an IUD
You might be a cheater if you pressure and guilt trip your husband into having a vasectomy, whilst having an affair. (I was that husband!)
Very heartless woman Mickey, you are well rid ?
Although according to her version of events she was only texting him at the point of my vasectomy..the physical side of things only began 2 months after my procedure…so that’s ok then!
Big hugs mickey blue that is just so wrong.
You might be a cheater if you are using private windows while browsing the Internet.
You might be a cheater when you arrive at the restaurant for a family dinner and cannot look your spouse in the eyes for fifteen minutes. And when you do, it is with a grimace.
Yep!! Always used the private browsing, and each time I confronted him? “I didn’t know it was set on that”. Uh huh, along with being set to delete the history after each session. I’d change the settings without telling him and lo and behold the magical computer would re-set itself to his preferences late in the night.
You might be a cheater if you take your family for a quick overnight stay of a vacation, then go for a week to the beach “by yourself.”
Thanks for the great childhood memories, Dad.
The Coward did that. Needed a trip to Hawaii to “clear his head” because work had been so stressful. During the school year. He asked me a couple weeks before if I wanted to go. Of course there was no way I could arrange for time off work on short notice, and the kids couldn’t go, but weren’t old enough to leave alone. I was irritated then guilty for being irritated that he didn’t try to plan a vacation we could all enjoy as a family? (So confused.) But then I put my confident/supportive wife pants on and bid him farewell–he deserved some time off, I reasoned! I teased him about “his girlfriend,” (hahahah) knowing he didn’t have one. I’m sure it made The Coward feel like big shit to get one over on me like that. Well? Better have been worth it. Who’s laughing now? Me! What a loser….
You might be a cheater if:
You send 27 text msgs a day to the female neighbor.
You have games you play with her, to see who knows the most rock bands.
You take her to the park, to feed the ducks on Saturday.
She rents a hotel room, and invites you over to talk!
God, they’re stupid.