10 Years Since D-Day
It’s 10 years since his D-Day and a former chump writes to say how much better his life is now, versus how his ex is faring. Happy Tuesday!
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Hi Chump Lady,
Hope you are keeping well. I occasionally dip into your blog to see what’s going on.
Today is exactly 10 years since D-Day, when my first wife dropped the bomb on our family life.
I’ve been reflecting on how things have changed since then.
I now think of D-Day as Freedom Day in that it led to a life free of someone who would never be satisfied with what I gave her no matter what.
I’m now remarried and have been with my current wife for 9 years. We’ve been through a few ups and downs (driven by external events mainly), but have a very happy life together.
I haven’t changed, I haven’t treated her any differently to how I treated my first wife, yet for her I could never do right whereas my current wife thinks I’m wonderful and tells me regularly. I will add that I think she is wonderful and tell her too. Fundamentally, she’s kind and caring and shows her love through daily small kindnesses.
My daughters are both in their mid 20s now. I’m pleased to report they have both grown up to be kind and thoughtful people and are both happy in their lives. I’ve maintained a very close relationship with them despite all the crap they were put through. I will add that they love their Mum (which of course I would want) but I’m pleased they aren’t like her.
I ran into the affair partner recently in our local supermarket.
He was with his wife (who seems to keep him on a short lead). He looked shocked when he saw me, like he was going to get a smack in the mouth!
I see my ex wife from time to time. We attended our daughter’s graduations and sat together and it was fine. I don’t hate her, my daughters are 50% her and I also don’t want to look on those 20 years as being a waste. I’m just very glad that I’m not with her anymore.
She’s not a monster, but she’s very selfish, which is the root of her crappiness. She remarried 5 years ago (not to the affair partner). Recently, she moved back into her house as she and her husband get on better when they don’t have to live together all the time. She told me they have kept all their finances separate and that her husband kept his house in his name.
My wife and I went all in, buying a house together, etc. I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t been totally sure about her character. Clearly, my ex’s new husband had some reservations.
All in all, I’m happy to be where I am. Being free of someone who doesn’t value you is the greatest liberation.
Best wishes,
Real Monkey Love
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Dear Real Monkey Love,
I love a Tuesday, gain-a-life story. Thanks for sharing! I’m thrilled you found real monkey love with a partner who values you and reciprocates. Some people would probably crave more cosmic justice for your cheating ex than remarriage and civil coexistence. But hey, whatever keeps her out of your orbit.
In the 10 years since your D-Day, I’m doubtful she’s had a character transplant.
I’m not saying people cannot grow and learn. It’s just that I’m skeptical that most entitled people will willingly shed their entitlement, especially if they can recreate that dynamic elsewhere. Now the new guy gets to deal with her eternal dissatisfaction, which apparently he’s addressed with separate addresses. Ha!
(Separate accommodations are a cake eaters dream. Coincidence?)
Thank God she’s not your problem any longer. No tag backs!
D-day is Freedom Day.
I love how you’ve reframed this and I hope newbie chumps take heart. Freedom is often painful and hard won, but it beats oppression. It might take a decade to get this kind of perspective, but these FWs did you a favor. Rejection from a FW is a perverse kind of compliment. You’re right. I really do need to find a better class of person to hang out with.
Too bad the chump wife of your ex’s affair partner took him back. You missed an opportunity in that grocery shop. Imagine approaching him in the produce aisle.
“Jeremy! How have you been?!” (Extend your hand…) “Oh my! Is this your beautiful wife Sarah? Or someone else’s wife?” (Heartily shake her hand…) “How are you? Still married? Well, isn’t that something!”
Natter on while he dissolves into mortification.
Much better than a smack — destruction through faux bonhomie.
New life, new wife.
I haven’t changed, I haven’t treated her any differently to how I treated my first wife
This is a very healing observation. And you don’t have to partner up again to realize this. It’s funny how other people are satisfied by your friendship, or job performance. Or even crave your company. You are so much more than the devaluing of a FW.
Partnering up again isn’t for everyone, but as someone who also remarried after chumpdom, I found great comfort in realizing I didn’t suck as a partner. I just needed to find another giver. Someone who brought the same energy and commitment to relationships that I did.
No more lopsided investments. No more pleasing the un-pleasable. Retire the pick me dance shoes. Better company is out there.
Thanks for the inspiring dispatch from your better life. Happy Tuesday!
Yes, you have said somethig that I have felt for a long, long time. Being rejected from the FW was/is a badge of honor. I was never trashy enough, drunk enough, stupid enough, slutty enough, low-class enough, big enough (I am a small person and he went for much larger and taller people) etc, etc to attract or arouse him. Thankfully!! I am proud and pleased that I was never enough of a loser to get him excited. Once I knew that, it really changed everything. People who knew his betrayal objects, as well as the abundant social media and public info trail (Netflix! Mug shots!) most of them left in their wake helped me see all of that quite clearly. Chumps, know that you are too good for the FWs of the world. Whether you remain single or not, there is no need to have the FW write your final chapter. You write it, you decide what works for you, who is important in your life and who is irrelevant. Knowing that I will never touch him or be touched by him again was/is a wonderful foundation to build upon. It was all upward and onward from there. I’m glad this writer had the years ahead of him to build aniother relationship. As a member of the septugenarian club, I may not. But I have the fabulous gift of being the master of my fate and the captain of my ship. I could no tbe in better or more capable hands.
“But I have the fabulous gift of being the master of my fate and the captain of my ship. I could no tbe in better or more capable hands.”
This is going into my quotes collection.
Thanks! Made my morning!
It’s great to see RML has built himself an awesome life and that he and his daughters are doing so well; who wouldn’t want him to have a happy and Cheater-free ending to his story?
I was intrigued by RML’s comment that his Ex and her new husband “get on better when they don’t have to live together all the time.” There would appear to be some real dysfunctionality at play there and, in his shoes, I’d be giving it all as wide a berth as I could.
LFTT
LFTT
Grats Real Monkey Love!
It’s amazing when time passes and life is so much better for you, but so much worse for them.
It’s been almost 11 years since D-day for me (Labor Day is the anniversary). I just passed my 11-year anniversary at work, I’m about to hit my 7-year anniversary with my better husband, and we live in a 5-bedroom house that we bought together. I’m about to finish a PhD next year.
XH has probably had 7-8 jobs since we split. He just relocated for yet another job and is now complaining his GF of 4 years (not the OW) “abandoned” him. He just got evicted from his cockroach-infested previous apartment. I saw his new apartment, which he seems extremely pleased with, and it looks exactly the same as the one he moved into when we split 11 years ago.
Nothing has changed or gotten better for him in 11 years. He didn’t finish his bachelor’s or turn his credit into an associate’s, he didn’t write a novel, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, his apartment is the same, he’s still plagued by financial problems, and I’ll be shocked if this new job lasts more than a year or two. These people do not engage in introspection and better themselves.
Rarity,
You make a really valid point when you say “These people do not engage in introspection and better themselves” ……. one might go so far as to surmise that introspection that might lead to the recognition of the need for self-improvement is the Cheater’s kryptonite.
LFTT
What do you mean nothing has changed? He probably has more cockroaches.
LOL! Oh, Chump Lady, you just k*ll me!
First of all, congratulations! You won!
I needed the story of hope this morning.
And as far as being rejected by a fuckwit…what’s the line from Rick and Morty? “Your boos mean nothing! I’ve seen what makes you cheer!”
Happy Tuesday to Those that Celebrate!
Excellent..I could say, I see the woman you pick and I no longer feel unworthy of you.
Congratulations to RML! I’m still surprised regularly by how much my new partner loves and appreciates me even though I’m essentially still the same person being only a couple of years out from DDay. I was never the ugly shrill unreasonable harpy that FW tried to paint me as! FW devaluated me and gaslighted me many times a day and I didn’t see how I was a Boiled Frog.
Pure gold!
“Jeremy! How have you been?!” (Extend your hand…) “Oh my! Is this your beautiful wife Sarah? Or someone else’s wife?” (Heartily shake her hand…) “How are you? Still married? Well, isn’t that something!”
Natter on while he dissolves into mortification.
Much better than a smack — destruction through faux bonhomie.
I shall keep this one in my back pocket for when the time is right…
Yes, that’s a good one! Chump Lady for the win!
In an avalanche of gratitude being the 3rd year Anniversary of D day, I could not be happier to never ever be touched( or rather handled) talked to or living with a mentally ill abuser user again. Oh I did blame all the OW for tempting my X with their better bodies and more” giving ways”..yes both my cheating husband’s got remarried, but not to me. NOT TO ME. I am so grateful to come to my apartment alone, me caretaking no one’s bad mood, roller coaster rage, silent treatments or being treated like a vending machine. I am no one’s mental health practitioner, therapist, nurse, mother, or private eye. I have myself to work on so no one can hurt me as much as both my marriages did. No one can cheat on me again because I am a vintage individual and have had enough abuse of my body mind and spirit to last 5 more life times. I may not live to be around for year 10 of D day but how I’ve lived the last 3 years is 🎁 gift enough. There is nothing like freedom from living far away from a devaluing abuser.. nothing better ever.
AGREED
I really like the message of this post.
But having said that, I do want to say that not all of us have a strong, healthy self esteem. For me, having come from a very abusive childhood, a good self esteem was non existent. I have had to work on that over the years and just when I thought I was doing well, BAM!, I was devalued and abandoned/discarded by FW #2. And of course, per him, it was all MY fault, I was the shitty person, couldn’t do right, was causing all the problems in the entire world, etc. All the blame after HIS cheating!
So I find myself back not to square one, but back. Still working on the self esteem after D-Day 4 years ago. I don’t let the FW know or see that I struggle with this (we still have 3 kids so of course, have to see one another. Ugh.)
But it is nice to hear that people get past it and rebuild their lives, including their self esteem. Something to look forward to!
It was 18 years for me with kids going back and forth, seeing #1 cheater but maintaining grey rock. Respecting his relationship with OW, who later became the wiftress. Knowing that if I talked to her, there would be no holding back. She who kept my husband in her clutches all during my pregnancy..and took my baby for visits soon after. There is the letting go of this nightmare,but no forgetting so that Grey rock remains in place 38 years later. That D was was July 1982.
.I was later remarried so it felt secure until it wasn’t. I had to be free of both cheaters to find myself. My last D day was May 2022.
EMDR took me back to review horror scenes and pluck the spinters out of my eyes, to see myself with compassion..how the abuse in my childhood home, prepped me to be very comfortable with more, ..abuse, neglect and Blame. My mother was blamed, my grandmother was blamed, and who knows how many generations back into forever took the abuse on as an old testament scape goat.
I am Savoring what likeky no other woman in my previous generations ever had. Freedom to live without a man and finding myself in the very end.
My d day was 10 years ago, and reason guides me to understand my freedom and I often feel it!- but not always. The 30 years of abuse made its mark, and my feelings (not reason) and thoughts got to dark places often. Let those things flow, don’t fight it, and they will flow away more and more. Then, turn to reason. That is what I do. It helps, but it’s not always easy. Reality is hard to grasp when you’ve been brainwashed for so long! But know it’s real! No one deserves abuse.
That’s really great advice, thank you!
I was programmed to take abuse starting in early childhood, so hardwired for it basically. And then I got married to abuser FW #1 and then from him to abuser FW#2, and it just solidified in my mind that although I didn’t deserve the treatment I got, that I definitely need to work on myself to keep from choosing these types of disordered people again. And that’s where the low self esteem comes in, the self doubt, etc. But like you said, some days are better than others. And after 9 years with first FW and 30 years with second FW, it has taken it’s toll on me over time.
But, I just keep going…one day it will be better 🙂
Why do we sound so alike?
I know, right? It’s like we’ve lived parallel lives. Sadly, I think there are a lot of other women out there like us with the same story. I wish it weren’t the case, but as long as people look the other way to infidelity abuse, this will never change.
The infidelity story will not change but I walked through great darkness to come out the other side changed There is always light and hope even after the darkest night of my soul. I can see the wolves in sheep’s clothing now and sound the alarm. For myself or others if they will listen.
And it’s ok to have bad days! I def reabused after my marriage ended up until about 3 and half years ago- just got worse and worse men. Was crazy. A BIG break from men has done wonders. It sounds silly, but give all that attention to yourself and trusted friends.
None of this experience is linear.Even 10 years out there are good days, hard-ish days and triggering days. The “win” is in relishing all of the good days and recognizing that every day can’t be Tuesday.
Yes this is true…absorb all the beautiful days and feel the sorrow of other days. The 🎹 piano has high and low notes so you can play a symphony.
I love that analogy.
I love these kind of stories. Congratulations on your fabulous cheater free life, RML.
I can interact with my ex if necessary, but I certainly wouldn’t sit next to him at any event. Being close to him gives me the heebie jeebies. I don’t get why you would feel the need to sit with your ex, but if it’s working for you, that’s great.
I wonder if women might get extra heebie jeebies from creepy male exes because– whether or not the latter ever acted on some undercurrent of violence– guy FWs might be more prone to “exuding” that capacity.
The only way to find out would be to do a study of it and see if men who had experienced some form of violence (including debilitating financial abuse) or significant threat or injury from an ex (including STDs) became more avoidant of perpetrators after separation. On the other side of the coin, it would be interesting to find out if she-chumps who made significantly more income/had more social clout than their FW exes and/or those whose FW exes had some form of disability that made the latter at least physically “harmless” ended up less avoidant after separation or at least not barf-shriek-don’t-ever-seat-me-near-that-scourge avoidant.
This isn’t to set off a Pain Olympics contest because I’m not suggesting cheating alone isn’t awful enough. I’m just wondering if there are factors that complicate it further and different circles of hell in general hell.
Thanks for all the comments. These days a lot of it just feels like a bad dream although it was horrendous at the time. With regards to the AP, I run into him from time to time ( he always scuttles off like the insect he is) and I decided a long time ago to treat him as being irrelevant and not give him any centrality. To me he’s a gutless maggot of a man and I’m certainly not wasting time on him. My ex-wife made her choices so it was mainly on her anyway. I wish you all well as you work through this – it’s just awful but I’m way happier now than I ever was with my ex so it turned out well for me. Not so for her. Best wishes RML
I hope this man’s father finds Chump Lady and a much better future without the serial cheater.
I’m also glad the LW isn’t falling for the RIC banquet of bull shit.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2025/05/28/asking-eric-divorce-mom-affair-forgive/