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Trust That They Suck

Here’s a problem people new to this infidelity shit get stuck on all the time — they don’t really trust that their cheater sucks.

They pine. They spackle. They remember the good times. They spend a lot of time in therapist’s offices trying to “untangle the skein of fuckupedness.” They wonder what they did to make this person cheat on them. They wonder why their shared life together wasn’t enough.

Trust that they suck.

When you romanticize all the fabulous things they are doing with their fuckbuddy? The lingerie she bought to show him? The stuff she does in bed that she never did with you? The trip he took her on (probably to a place you went to together).  And you imagine all the wonderful, sexy, good times you are missing out on?

Trust that they suck.

The holidays are especially rough. Especially a holiday like Christmas that’s centered around gift giving. Oh, the OW gets diamond earrings and I get a lump of coal and a giant legal bill? Splendid. Thanks. You may miss those holiday traditions you shared with your cheater, or with their family. Everyone gathered around the hearth, in handknit snowflake sweaters, crooning Christmas carols and eating exquisite marzipan chocolates…(No, it’s probably nothing like that, but the pain of exclusion can play tricks on the mind.)

Trust that they suck. And their family probably sucks too.

We have all these carefully crafted excuses for why they don’t really suck. They’re having a midlife crisis. This isn’t the REAL them. The real them will be coming out of the “fog” and will recommit soon!

Trust that they suck.

Cheaters suck. A person who betrayed you and endangered your health and well-being and your children’s? They suck! A person who is so selfish as to eat cake and fuck around on the side? They suck! When you internalize that they suck, and realize you are pining for a flaming dog turd? Then you will heal.

Why would you pine for a flaming dog turd?

1. You’re human and you’re grieving. We bond. That’s what loving people do. It’s hard to put a shared life into reverse and detach. Grief takes time, and you usually flounder through all the steps, denial, bargaining, anger, before you get to flaming dog turd acceptance.

2. Narcissists (and cheating is narcissism) are really good at projecting that they’re all that and a bag of chips. They were sparkly, and you know how great it is when they sparkle. You fell for it, so it’s natural that someone else would too. The affair partner hasn’t discovered the full magnitude of the cheater’s suckitude yet (look how long it took you), but oh, they will.

The best salesmen and charlatans excel at creating an air of exclusivity. I have something very special to offer you. Are you elite enough to be worthy? They want you to want what they have. They would love for you to do the humiliating dance of pick me and fight to be worthy. It’s part of the mindfuck you’ve been living under, to which the best antidote is reality. Mr/s Sparkle betrayed you. They’ll do anything for an ego kibble. Anything. They aren’t exclusive. They’re slutty.

3. At some level you’ve bought into the idea that this is best you can do. Trust that YOU don’t suck. Part of this is on you, chumps. Trust that you deserve better. That this isn’t your lot in life to pick from the reject pile of humanity. Yes, we’re all God’s children and in some way flawed. This isn’t about acceptance and unconditional love. Adult love comes with conditions — conditions like your partner should not act in ways to actively harm you. Conditions like mutuality and respect. It’s okay to have deal breakers. Your cheater is not the be all and end all. There are other, much better people out there deserving of your time and attention and love. Go find them!

And leave the cheaters to doing what they do best — sucking.



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  • All very true and very timely during the holiday season. It’s my first one where everything is split and yes, it does suck. I hate that I’m not going to see my kids open all the STBX’s family gifts, which was a big deal and I was very much a part of. I hate that he will even argue about times to return them to me. I hate it all. But what I don’t hate? Not having a sucky slutty cheater in my life. And he is a man-ho. Anyone who’s extra nice to him will eventually get a go, it seems. So as much as I’m not loving the holidays this year I am happy to not have him around. Grrr…just hate that it’s fucked up how my kids feel.

    • Although these comments are old, they are still completely relevant and helpful. My cheating ex is marrying the other woman next weekend. 1 year to the day our divorce was final. She’s 5 months pregnant and although I am on the upside of my healing there are days that I still cannot understand. My mind keeps trying to make excuses for the poor soul. I mean does he really love her? Was this planned the whole time we were trying to make things work? What makes her better than me? And now I get to listen to my daughter come home and explain every detail of this fucked up wedding. Yay me.
      16 years was thrown away like an old shoe, an afterthought. I know she can have his lady, drinking, condescending ass. But I still get sad to think how easy it was for him to cheat and walk away.
      Now I am dating myself, loving myself, getting stronger and more confident and just pray for peace in my heart and mind. He’s a 43 year marrying a child who must accept him for what he is.
      I deserve better than that .

  • You are EXACTLY right. When you have been cheated on and find out that your judgement is off, you stop trusting your feelings. You WANT to believe the best. You want to validate your original premise about this person…that they are really good.
    I got caught up in this for SO long. Even after the divorce.
    People who betray you aren’t good. They aren’t. They suck. Believe the PROOF that is right in front of you. Stop believing what you THOUGHT was true and SEE what is true.
    Once again, great post, CL!

    • Very true. Quite recently, in fact, STBX was being a bigger pain in the ass than usual and I reached the point where I simply said, ‘You are a bad person.’ and ended the conversation. That’s what is boils down to: he’s a bad person and if I didn’t have kids with him I would never have to deal with him again. I don’t like dealing with bad people.

        • People that cheat are bad people. Period! I wasted 13 years believing my STBEX was a better person underneath the cheating! Big fat lie! Chumplady..spent all of lady tear reading dozens of blogs on cheating & dozens & dozens of books… Yours is the only one which is true to reality!

    • I have never found as good of an explanation of how I have felt the past 5 years of my marriage. How could I be so blind? Beat myself up the entire time. Questioning my judgement, my intuition…everything about myself. I finally got the wake up call when I caught him starting an EA this past May.

      And he sucked so much he still blamed me for his A from 5 yrs ago. Up until the day I moved out. We are now divorced.

      Sometimes I think ‘suck’ just doesn’t describe him enough…lol

    • 2.5 years and he said he couldn’t commit found out he was seeing other women. We had a long distance relationship. He didn’t want me to move. I know now a red flag. But I didn’t want to see it

  • I think this was a hard reality for me to accept because my STBX “only” had one A that had gone on for about three months when I discovered it (to my knowledge, but I have never found evidence of other As, and there were several red flags that led me to the one he had). I started reading about cheating, and I always felt guilty that I didn’t want to reconcile with him– like divorce was only for serial cheaters that one has given previous chances to.

    Yet… even before I discovered CL… there was always this feeling in my gut. So what if it was “only” once? I don’t deserve to be cheated on EVER. I deserve a man who thinks better of himself as well– the fact that my STBX never used protection not only spoke to how little he thought of me but also how little he thought of himself. I deserve someone who has more self-respect in addition to respect for me, and staying with STBX, even if he wasn’t a serial cheater, would be settling for less than I deserve.

    So, I agree with CL and would like to add– any amount of cheating sucks, and even cheaters who only cheat once suck. If you don’t want to give them a second chance, then don’t! I sometimes wonder if, deep down, my STBX assumed I’d just beg him to stay and would try to be the wife he felt he was entitled to instead of the one who “drove him” to have an A. Too bad that I turned out to be a woman of my word… I told him that I’d never tolerate cheating, and I MEANT IT!

    • Well done, MO. You know yourself, you know your deal breakers — and I think it’s interesting that you think his affair was his way of getting you to work harder to up your game for the awesomeness that is him. Cheaters soooo deserve that stratagem to fail.

  • CL – where the hell were you 6 years ago ? It took me 6 long, pain-filled years to try and work it out. Your take on the spackle is dead-on. That’s what I did in my marriage and after the separation, after the divorce and all these lonely years since. Yes, 6 years on and I am only now not grieving – sad, but true. What a waste of energy and time on a stinking piece of dog turd. I did love the projection of the affectionate, loving, devoted husband of 31 years, while I am guilty of spackling the sicko behind it all.
    All I can say is thank you, thank you, that I had enough sense of self to say cheers, I am out of here (despite his pleadings) once I found out it wasn’t only 1 affair with a younger woman as I had been led to believe. His prolific extra-mural activities with other women and men is mind-boggling. So was his total detachment and distance once I left. It was as if the 31 years together never happened – he had a new girlfriend within a week of my leaving and oh, how I battled with that. The pain of that was indescribable.
    I have never told our adult children the full story, they know he was unfaithful. They are proud of me that I left and would not accept the disrespect and disregard he showed me while projecting the image of the loving devoted husband. Will I tell them the scope of it all? I don’t know. I guess I am still guilty of spackling. It was hard enough on them that we divorced, never mind finding out there Dad is bisexual and a slut on top it.
    I just recently met a lovely man – we have electrifying chemistry between us, we dance, we laugh, we are having fun. We are in our 50’s and life is suddenly fun and full.
    The best thing that happened was finding out the scope of my ex’s serial cheating, though I thought it was the end of my world. Otherwise I would not be free of that piece of stinking shit that I was so proud to call my husband. I have a sense of self and I am proud of myself. Not so pleased that it took me 6 long years to get to this point though, what a terrible waste of precious time.
    Thanks CL you are an angel to all fellow Chumpers.

    • Six years ago Lynn? I was climbing out of the abyss myself. My DDay was November 2006. Sorry, I had to spend time in the chump trenches to make every mistake, fail at things quite miserably, and get kicked in the teeth a few times before I accumulated the snarky wisdom you see before you at

      I am so happy to read you met a lovely man! You deserve every happiness after 31 years with a serial cheater! OMG.

    • Good for you! I get teh spackling and the fact that you don’t even realise you’re doing it until you’re out of it. Then they’re furious that you won’t spackle anymore and poof…it’s like you never existed and/or you’re the enemy now. I’m going through it right now. He can suck it.

    • Lynn, I don’t know if you are still reading here but I am reading old comments tonight. Your story gives me inspiration and so similar to mine though only 16 years here. DDay involved one OW (he lives w/her now) and yes the pain of his seeming rejection was indescribable… months later to find out about multiple affairs with women and men, porn use, possible pediphilia (which he had many times fantasized out loud about during sex w/me and I blocked it out over the years). Seven months of therapy confirmed that he is an abuser, not surprising as CL points out infidelity IS abuse. So happy for you that you came out of the fog and life is good for you now. Thank you!

    • Margaret – I know this is an old comment but it’s really good to see someone in their 50’s who has found a new love. I am 50 now and three months in, seeing a future is really hard. Thank you.

  • CL i just want to second, third and fourth what you and Lynn said.i was lost in a fog.had no idea what i was dealing with.for years i just hoped and prayed that somehow she would change and we could be a happy couple somehow.(the abuse reduced my selfesteem to a nub) i would leave her and we would get back together.again and again.when she cheated(the time i caught her) ,we werent living together but were seeing each other.(she stole her friends bf)i made up my mind then and there to get a divorce and when i got my ducks in a row i did just that.THE stupid thing i did was i left the issues of visitation and child support unresolved.(my stupid ass thought we were going to be friends).
    i didnt know what a narcissist is.i had no idea what a cluster b disorder is. i was told (by a church councilor) that she was probably toxic but i was unable or unwilling to really wrap my mind around what that meant.i didnt know that there are a lot of people in the world with personality disorders that cannot change.they are the way they are because their brain is wired that way… its been just more than 10 yrs after the divorce and i finally get it. now i have the knowledge to be in a state of MEH..but still my xw and all her enablers can just go to hell.i just dont care anymore one way or another.and that goes for all narcissists and their ilk and cheering section. they can all just go eat garbage.. i want to thank you ChumpLady and everyone else here and James of and IM FREE IM FREE

  • “I’ve been [cheated on] and left for someone; all those things. And it was sometimes a surprise, and sometimes you saw it coming. The most painful was when I kept trying to get [one woman] back. But we all make dumb mistakes.”

    — George Clooney

    Yes, folks, even GEORGE F’IN CLOONEY, arguably the Cary Grant of our time, multi-gazillionaire and ladies man, has been cheated on and dumped for an AP, just like the rest of us.

    And for all of his celebrity and infinite wealth, George had pathetic moments right along with us. I don’t know the man, but I can only imagine the “I kept trying to get her back” statement implied that there was lots of spackling, Pick Me dances and Post-Trainwreck Romanticizing going on.

    Can you imagine GEORGE CLOONEY doing a Pick Me dance? Someone so rich and famous and TDH (Tall, Dark, Handsome)? It happens to ALL OF US!

    I know. I know. It’s one of those interviews designed to show that celebrities are just like us “regular folks” (“Hey! I shop at Walmart too!”) But there’s also a great teachable moment in there.

    For all the millions of women in this country who’d willingly sign their lives away and do a complete Anastasia Steele lifestyle makeover just for the opportunity to be Mrs. Clooney, there’s more than a few cake-eating, dynamic mis-managers who’d willingly break his heart.

    This doesn’t just happen to male celebrities either; Eva Longoria was also cheated on in her last marriage.

    • Just goes to show anyone can be a chump. Even the most beautiful and fabulous among us. Surely this was before he was *George Clooney* and more of the struggling nephew of a has been jazz singer from Kentucky. Talk about the best revenge is living well!

  • So well said. Towards the last weeks when I was beginning to come to turns with the reality of his serial cheating and that it was over and I made a comment to him that I would be sad for a bit and then I’d be over him I caught an unusual look on his face. His mask slipped and he was shocked! He wanted me to be devastated. He wanted me to fall apart at the loss of his Greatness. And so he prolonged the agony. Renewed the hope. And in the end I cried and cried and he loved it. He got off on it. I would take that back if I could along with ever thinking he was all that! He wasn’t. He sucked!

    • Don’t worry about being honest with your emotions? So he got a bit of a thrill seeing tht you were hurt? That’s his problem and his sickness. Be happy that you’re actually emotionally true to yourself.

      Now, buck up, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go be happy and awesome. And don’t change who you essentially are while doing that. Find your best self and go be it. He’ll figure out one day, when it’s way way too late, that he screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him.

      • I know! Thanks Nord! I guess he got a good kibble feeding off of that one and I felt emotionally famished.
        You’re right that we need to fill ourselves up and keep going. I’m thinking about your Christmas and being alone. I will be, also, so I’m looking to volunteer somewhere. There’s a group home for troubled boys (or their families) and some don’t get to go home. Maybe I’ll go over there and play some games or something.

  • “Why would you pine for a flaming dog turd?” ~ BWA HA HA!

    CL, you gave me my second howling laugh of the day! … and I love your use of “spackle” 😀

    This will be my third Christmas without the one I loved. This will also be the first Christmas without one member of my immediate family who died suddenly, just two weeks ago.

    No more mourning someone who, out of his own agony, fear, and — the killing blow — asshole-ishness, broke my life for a while. Every loving bond is worth shouting from the mountaintop! As for the rest of ’em … As one of my friends once said of a certain someone, “May God bless him and keep him … far, far away.”

    As for the ones who leave suddenly, helplessly … We the remaining really need to ramp up our love and our mercy … and our stands for our own good souls. Real love, I’m finding, doesn’t take shit from another. Real love doesn’t fling it, either.

    It really is the hardest work we ever do: to love …

    He and I loved, and we lost. Holy shit, did we lose. There *was* deep, deep love between us … and it didn’t abide. The whole mess makes more and more sense in retrospect … and I know this: I DIDN’T CHEAT.

    To rise up from the rubble and shake that shit off … We are heroes to do this. The worst injury a person can survive, from the soul on out, is betrayal.

    We are heroes who vow, and hold fast to our vow, that we will remain with another we love … We will love, honour, and protect … and if we must leave and we have any control over how we leave, we must go with all the grace we can strew on the road.

    There’s a totality of loss through betrayal that nearly crushes the life out of a person. In some ways, a death is easier to cope with — the ending is utter; that person is GONE. In betrayal …

    So, yeah: Why would we pine for flaming dog turds?

    Me, I’d be doing my bit to put the fire out, for the safety of all. Then I’d be gone. (The *smell–!*) And I sure wouldn’t be pining for the one who flung the turds!

    • SOH, I’m so sorry for your loss. And this is a bad segue from my condolences, but LOL at the friend who said “May God bless him and keep him … far, far away”! Love that!

  • Hi CL

    Thanks from downunder. In June this year my ex informed me that she had been having an affair for 2 years and didnt love me. Two weeks later she had a breakdown and ended up in psych hospital (with me rescuing and paying) after i said we needed to carve up the finances.

    Subsequently she said she like like to try again but “needed time”. I didnt know how to do what i needed to do for 4 months. I abstained from alcohol for a month and stumbled on CL. That was the end of her sorry ass!! You articulated exactly her moves and bullshit. My heart and head immediately aligned, im over her and have never been happier. She is still in therapy having been qdumped by the affair twat and me (her faithful husband).

    after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids i have emerged stronger and better than ever. With Xmas approaching my kids and are jetting off to spend some time in the sun with my large, wider family and everything is great. The ex is dealing with the consequences of her actions and id tell you how she is doing if i cared but i dont!

    Thank you Chump Lady you came to me at a time in my life where i needed help in doing what i knew was the only course of action – you rock!

    the S Man

    • Thank you S Man! Comments like yours really mean the world to me and make all those what-am-I-writing-a-blog-for? unpaid hours worth it. I’m so glad you didn’t fall for her “rescue me” schtick. And that the kids are doing great! And that you’re much happier! Of course you are. 🙂 Addition by subtraction. Have a happy holiday there with the kangaroos and wallabies!

  • What a great story, S Man. You really figured this stuff out about as early on as anyone I have heard of.
    Weird, isn’t it. One has to come to grips withthe fact that someone you thought you knew was never who you beleived her to be.
    I still cannot beleive I ever fell for the disguise my XW wore during courtship. Once that mask came off, even before the cheating, it was hell living with her.

  • Actually come to think of it, things weren’t so great for me, either.

    I am only now starting to see that I was the victim of what is known as ambient abuse. Apparently that is a type of emotional abuse that is so subtle that it impossible for outsiders or even psychologists sometimes to see, and it’s easy for the victim to rationalize away.

    I was definitely putting more energy into the marriage, I saw plenty of cracks, and the mask slipped quite a few times, but I chalked it up to stress or Mid life crisis or other rationalizations.

  • Part of trusting that they suck is trusting that you don’t… That’s hard to do when you are built the way so many of us are – CL describes us as easy “marks”. We tried to be good. We tried to do the right thing. And we think too damn much and too damn hard.

    Sure, we sucked in our own amateurish ways. But can you compare that to a true suck artist? If you can turn your mind to it – you might see the degrees of sucktitude and you might be able to trust that while you too may have sucked, someone else sucked more… At my worst suckage, I was a drab, dull, boringly cloudy day. My ex was the perfect storm.

    • Bede, I think a lot of us chumps do suffer from some degree of low self-esteem. I have battled this my entire life. I felt ugly and worthless as a child. I was teased and ridiculed. My father would beat me up. Some how, I was a late bloomer and turned into a beautiful woman, but it still catches me by surprise.

      As for us sucking as an EXCUSE. ha! sure. sure. we had an argument, now he is FREE TO GO OUT AND FUCK HALF THE EASTERN SEABOARD. There are ALWAYS alternatives. Like actually FUCKING talking to your spouse.


      “honey, when you said, that I had a bush growing out of my nose and that I should cut my nose hairs, it made me feel angry and like punching your face in.”

      Me: Oh, I’m sorry, its just that it makes me wanna throw up. Is there a better way that I can ask you, so you won’t feel demeaned?

      Him: just hand me the scissors. I’ll get the message.

      point being. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. and a husband, like mine who turned it into a lifestyle… keeping at least 2 on the side and constantly looking for fresh pussy…

      we NEVER have the entire story. where there’s smoke there’s fire. If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a noise?


  • Chump, I love you, very deeply.
    Please can you change your other name to Trixie or something? Anything but T****.
    Feckin go girl!

  • I don’t know if anyone is still reading this thread or not, but for those who think it was ONLY “one,” that is rarely, rarely the case. First of all, there IS no “only.” Words like “only,” “just,” “a couple” (a couple hundred?) are the loaded words of a serial cheater. They will ONLY confess to what it is that they think that you know and no more. If you find chat, it was ONLY chat– not in person. (wrong) Or sometimes, it was ONLY chat– JUST flirting, no online sex. (wrong)
    Fact: Studies have shown that men who chat and cyber sex online are far more likely to have IN PERSON AFFAIRS than those who don’t.
    and the culprit here is porn. Porn turns into desire and the “ol’ ball and chain” is always so tired, I’ll JUST get on yahoo and see what little tart wants to wake up my wick. so, so, fucking easy and from there… they are gonzo.
    BTW, cheaters very, very often LIE and tell their victims that they are single. clues can be you don’t really know where he lives or where he works. But, some are very slick with elaborate stories of bi-coastal EMPIRES.


    This brings me to a question that maybe CL can address, (if you see this) Well, actually its two points and if you’ve already covered this than great and if not, then here are my questions for you.

    Is a man who is otherwise a good husband, father, bread-winner, trash dumper, who’s spending say 10-15 hours a week or even one or two, a cheater? I say yes, for several reasons, but I’d love to hear your take on that.

    Two, my husband had at least one woman that he used as a confidante. She was an ex fuck buddy from 30 years earlier and lives half-way across the world. (very safe distance). Finding their emails of intimate confessions about his OTHER LIFE, traumatized me perhaps even more than the discoveries of the in person affairs. BTW, it was ONLY once or ONLY a few times, or “it wasn’t what you think.” “it wasn’t easy.”

    YES, he said that it wasn’t easy to fuck his 29 years younger, albeit “fat and homely and with lupus” fuckbuddy.

    He also confessed that he lusts after virtually every woman he sees.

    So, sorry for the digression, but that latter constitutes an emotional affair. no sex. (well, that I know of) but the betrayal hurt me deeply.

    I was right there for him. always. (well, always before D-day #1) but I was still there. He could’ve turned his life around. But then again, maybe he couldn’t. Okay… he’s a flaming turd. 27 years down the drain…

    • I agree..doesn’t matter if it was only one time. My ex husband said many of the people he had sex with once, didn’t make it easier for me or the risk of getting HIV better. My ex was special..he not only had sex with women but many men as well. He went WAY beyond that to criminal sexual things which is why he has zero custody of our 3 children. I haven’t seen him in years and it’s been almost 7 years since his confession and then rapid dissolution of marriage. Being cheated on with men was a whole new ball game. I felt incredibly ugly and lots of shame. It took me a few years to one day think, ‘Oh wait, he wanted a dick’, therefore he went elsewhere, most of his prospects were male. I am sure some of you like me were sexual abused by your ex, so please get counseling if you are having flashbacks or fear/anxiety.
      My husband was so mad I filed for divorce, he had the nerve to say, ‘I can’t believe you are doing this! I never thought you would leave me.’ Obviously he didn’t! Dating has been tough after being with a psychopath. I was just 31 when I divorced him and my kids were between 3 and 8 years old. I now have one in highschool who desperately wants a dad but dang I know we are much safer alone than with a psycho. Seeing how many are out there is terrifying!

  • jesus. I should proof-read BEFORE i hit reply. I left out the word PORN in my first question.

    hmmmmmmmmm… very telling, ain’t it. I was so traumatized, I fucking blocked it all out.

    the second question which I never really spat out is: Are emotional affairs considered cheating and an offshoot of that is: is your spouse allowed to have friends of the opposite sex and not include you. My h did this all the time. In fact, one (a married sex therapist)– very cute, petite blond who had cleavage for DAYS, would phone and ask for him straight away. No, “Hi Laurel, how are you… is Fucktard home?”

    • If he has a porn habit you are uncomfortable with, and he doesn’t respect that, then yes – it’s a big issue. If he ignores how upset porn makes you feel, and does it anyway, he is showing you that his dick means more to him than you do.

      Emotional affairs are affairs. They are cheating – taking energy and intimacy away from the marriage. There is also this: adults fuck. A man is not going to invest time and energy in a woman not his wife unless he has some intention of eventually sleeping with the other woman.

      The married sex therapist was a cold bitch. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Married men should not have female friends. If they do, they should only communicate with those women when their wife is around. The wife most definitely should be included in the friendship. Not including you in the friendship is in the same category as a middle school child saying, “We can only be friends in our neighborhood; you can’t sit with me and my friends at the cool kids’ table.” It’s rotten when it happens to you as a kid, and the adult equivalent is rotten, too. It also basically shows you their maturity level.

  • Thank you, from the bottom of my heart Chump Lady. The moment my H told me he had been cheating on me, I knew I would leave him. That he chose when I was changing our 2 year old’s diapers to let me in on this, and that he had actually cheated on me many, many times is an even better indication of his wonderfulness. When I get wobbly in my choice to divorce this man with a 2 & 4 year old, while 23 weeks pregnant, I come here. To shore up my resolve. To stop spackling, stop clinging to the old idea that he actually cares about me. You really have been a lighthouse in the storm. Someone who understands, who has been there…and still says GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • I need to read this every day. “Trust that they suck.” When I start to think of him being all happy with the OW, I have to “Trust that they suck”. Thank you CL.

  • I have to read this often, as well, because it is easy to forget how badly they suck! This, and my ‘100 reasons I don’t want him back’ doc (only took a couple of months of ocassional additions to get up to 97 DIFFERENT items!).

    It also helps me that all our ‘couple and family’ friends think he sucks, are coldy polite when they run into him (and he didn’t have any friends of his own). And even much of my ex’s family thinks he sucks. He has 3 siblings, all super pissed off at him and not in contact w/him. The relationship w/them was already rocky because he already sucked before fucking around (negative, critical, boring), but his affair was really the last straw. His ex-step-mother can’t bear to be in touch w/him any more. His mom still talks to him because … she’s his mom. But he avoids talking to her, I don’t know if it’s shame or not being able to admit he’s really unhappy, after everything he’s done. And his dad still talks to him – but he’s the one the ex learned violence and infidelity from! Of course, his dad is even more self-centered than he is, so it’s never been a really satisfying relationship. So this summer I’m taking the kids to visit HIS mother and siblings, ’cause the kids don’t want to travel w/him, they don’t know (at least overtly) about the infidelity, but they know he sucks in other ways.

    He sucks, and I’m not the only one who sees it! I imagine even the OW will figure it out at some point – poor her!

    • Karen – sounds similar to mine. My mother in law actually lives right next door to my parents (and in fact rents from them). She is disgusted by my husband’s behavior. Yeah, you suck if your own mother is embarrassed and appalled by what you’ve done. What a douchebag.

      • That’s gotta be satisfying, Kay! The guy’s own mother … what a loser he is!

        When I was very young and very foolish and very in love, I married an alcoholic. Took me a few years to figure out how much and how often and how persistently he drank, a few more to use the fencepost on hope, but after I left, his mother said to me; ‘I love my son, but you did the right thing’. Very reassuring.

  • I just had to reread this post. I just saw my husband out riding motorcycles with his girlfriend. First time I’ve seen them together. Luckily I don’t think my 6 and 8 year old kids saw them. They don’t know Daddy left because of another woman. I hate him with a white hot passion but it still made me sick to my stomach. I must trust that he sucks. Better her than me.

    • Just the fact that they do this shit when they’ve got kids to raise, kids who love them and count on them … that is TOTALLY proof that they suck! GOOD people make every effort to make their marriages work when there are kids, and if they have to give up, they do it HONESTLY.

      We are grown-ups, we took our chances in getting into these relationships. Our kids had no choice. KILLS ME!

  • I have really enjoyed the wisdom that comes from this sight. I wondered if I could ask a question that I cannot answer. Is every cheater a Narcissist or a BPD? My husband cheated but doesn’t seem to fit the mold as I see described here for N or BPD. I guess I am wondering if there are other categories of cheaters besides those that have personality disorders. If I had to guess I would say my husband might have an addiction to sex. He had always thrived on adrenaline, adventure and enjoys living life to the fullest. He is a pilot and that seems to go along with his personality as well. I would really appreciate any input you all might have.
    I may have posted this in the wrong place but am not sure about how to navigate this site just yet so forgive me!

    • He sounds like a classic N to me. He’s a pilot and I’m sure everyone knows it. He’s has big balls cause he’s a legal bad boy. I can almost see his swagger. Mine was top notch in the business world and bragged about his business conquest. One woman isn’t good enough. It’s ok to have a little extra, after all he deserves it!

  • He sucks, he sucks, he sucks. It’s not a MLC it’s not narcism. It not me not being nice enough, sexy enough or exciting enough.
    He sucks.

  • This is definitely the hardest time to think that they suck. With Christmas coming fast and as a chump husband still getting to pay for the honor of being cheated on it can be hard to remember that THEY suck and not you. When you hear they may be going to a chalet in Gatlinburg over the break and your kids mention that they have cable and the internet when they visit Mom and her boyfriend. That they get to go out to eat everytime or realizing how cool the presents under the tree at their house will be and how bare bones it will be here it is hard to remember. This is not how I thought my life would go………Oh well, I’ll go back to remembering that even if I spent 17 years as chump I am not evil

    • Hang in there. Your kids will know you love them and that you are a good, honest person who has their best interests at heart.

      And in a few more weeks it will be 2014 and hopefully 2014 will be infinitely better for all of us.

      • Hi Chuck. I feel your pain. Kids are wiser than u think… They will one day see beyond the spackle and know you love them. Remember she sucks! Reclaim your life, find happiness in your self & remember living well is the best revenge!

  • Yes he sucks and so does his family. He is spending Christmas with his parents so that he can bask in a house were his aging parents literally can’t stand each other, but I’m sure his mother will manage to throw a few digs in my direction. When I look at pics of him, I see an old fart who tried to take me down the tubes with him.

    He is dull, boring, mean, and his looks have long faded. There was nothing the other women did better than me….except lick his ass. I am happy, no ecstatic and look forward to my future. I feel like Bruce Willis’ character in “Death Become’s Her.” I have hope and dreams with every new day!

  • I’ve been noticing headlines at the grocery store recently – Tori Spelling has been betrayed by her husband. Is he a sex addict? Does he have a “love” child?

    Spelling met her “soul mate” when he was married with two kids and they busted up the marriage.

    Sometime karma works.

  • How do I reconcile the fact that my XH seemed so sweet, caring, self-sacrificing, idealistic and a really good person when I met him over 20 years ago back in college? However, there were already hints of something amiss–a “pathologically close” (his words) relationship with his mom and older sister, who both disliked every girl XH ever went out with (including me) and seemed very possessive of him, and autogynephilia (a tendency to be sexually aroused by the thought of being female, wearing women’s clothing, undergoing sex reassignment).

    After we got married, I was surprised by his angry outbursts. I felt that he became much more cynical, stressed, career-focused, moody and angry than he was as a college student. It was the XH I met during college that I fell in love with, but he never fully reappeared during our marriage.

    Also, it’s hard to reconcile XH’s behavior with his “good guy” image. He doesn’t appear to be a sleazy, smooth type of guy. He’s the kind of guy that people instantly like and trust, who will say, “he’s a really good guy.” Sometimes I thought of him as Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. I guess he saved his Mr. Hyde for me and the home, but it all depended upon what happened at work–sometimes he was in a great, generous mood; other times he would be snappy and blame me for everything. So hard to predict, which is why I found myself avoiding him.

    Will he change and be the good, happy guy for his next OW? He said he has learned his lesson. I’m afraid he will be this great, loving, caring, wonderful boyfriend/husband to his next OW and have a great, happy life with her. I know this shouldn’t be my concern, but it does bother me. Last year, he kept on saying that I was interfering with his happiness, that marriage was me with miserable and that he needed to be free, but when I filed for divorce, then he kept on saying he was miserable without me.

    • blue, He will be the same way with her. Like other chumps have said, he will behave better in the beginning to get her hooked and then his true colors will show at home. She will be in the same situation that you were in while he keeps up his nice guy appearance to the outside world. None of his shit has anything to do with you. You didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it, and he really does suck.

    • I know this is years old, but I just wanted to say that the “good, happy guy” and the “sweet, caring, self-sacrificing, idealistic” and “really good” person are all an act. The thing is, these guys can’t keep that up forever. My husband was the same. And he acted like the sweetest, most over-the-top loving guy for the AP too. She bought it hook, line, and sinker. Meanwhile he was abusing me horribly. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde is exactly right. I saw the real him, she saw the act. She thought I was crazy and lying. That I was the horrible wife who was making him miserable. But when I stepped out of that mess of a triangle and left them to it, he turned on her since he had no other target. His mask slipped with her and he started abusing her too. She found out that I wasn’t making things up, that I wasn’t just trying to ruin his reputation with my claims of abuse (I’m sure she read all the divorce paperwork, including my petition, which was based on “excessively vicious treatment” as well as adultery, and my discovery where I outlined the most horrible things he’d done to me, and I’m sure he made every excuse and said I was lying). She ended up leaving him because he abused her and scared her so badly. Truth is, he was a miserable and abusive man. Leaving me for her didn’t change that. He couldn’t maintain that loving, caring persona. Three weeks in the same house, living together 24/7, with the stress of financial difficulties and three kids was just too much. (Though I know he was abusing her in far more subtle ways from day 1, the same way he did me. The “loving” stage is every bit as abusive as the later stages. It is setting you up for the inevitable fall from grace – since we are all human and WILL disappoint a person who expects perfection and for us to solve all their problems. I heard him give subtle criticisms AND specific compliments/suggestions to shaper her into what HE wanted. “I like women with high ponytails”, “you’d look really good with long hair”. One time she was at our house [!] for dinner with the kids and he told her her butt was huge, and while she had her back to him, I could see her face. It FELL, just for an instant, and then she made a joke and played it off like it didn’t bother her. But I had seen the hurt in her eyes, and I also noticed that that evening, she didn’t finish her meal, which was very unusual for her. He also used to compliment ME in front of her, like “your ass looks great in those jeans” or “I like your skirt” or “I love your red hair” and lo and behold the next time I saw her she was sporting whatever it was of mine that he said he liked. She was pick me dancing too. From the very beginning. I watched her transform into someone who was unrecognizable as the woman I’d first met. Into ME, though me ten years earlier. Unfortunately, we worked at the same place, all three of us, and our kids were friends, so I had a front row seat to see all of this.)

      The OW isn’t going to have “a great, happy life” with your husband. Even if that’s what it looks like. Even if they stay together for years. My ex and his AP painted their life on social media as a perfect fairytale. I found out later (after my ex committed suicide) that their life was filled with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, screaming fights, insecurity, anger, and physical violence – BOTH of them had all these things. OW was hospitalized for attempted suicide. When I cleaned out his house, I found enough medications in both their names to fill a pharmacy. They’d had an abortion (not sure why) and it spun OW into a mental health decline. Their life was anything but a fairytale, in spite of the smiling, kissy-face pictures they put out for the world to see. I found all her letters to him throughout the affair. They were full of insecurity, jealously, her being grateful that he had deigned to notice her, that he was SOOO amazing. She often apologized for little “mistakes” she had made. Talking about how great it would be when he finally divorced me (he took his sweet time and dragged it out for over FOUR YEARS while she hung around waiting). It was really pathetic. And this was when it was supposed to have been the amazing affair that was enough to make both of them discard their marriages for one another.


      I hope that you have been living your best life without that duplicitous man.

  • I don’t know how you all do this. I read this blog often just to keep my confidence from sinking. I live in India where family is everything. If I leave the cheating husband, my daughter and I will become an outcast in all social circles. I have the maturity to deal with it but I dont think my 13 year old daughter has it. It is so complicated here.

    • Hi Nila, is moving overseas an option or somewhere far? He’ll I don’t know what I’m talking about, I can’t even drench up the courage to leave my effn lying cheating husband *hugs*

  • I cannot re-read this enough. Every. Week. I keep hoping it sticks – hoping I’ll remember to trust that he sucks, but I waver on it so frequently. I hope I get tired of feeling this way soon. Tired of feeling like they are sharing the life I thought we were sharing. Tired of caring about someone who didn’t care enough about me to honor a damn thing. I am so thankful this blog and the book exist for me to refer to. One of these days, I will trust that he sucks.

  • Honestly, I wrote a post, than the dog, the real one, not the STBX, deleted the whole thing with one jump on my laptop!
    Anyway, I am totally new here, found out I was cheated on 2,5 months ago after 10 years of relationship, marriage, 2 kids etc… First I found out myself he had an affair, of which I somehow thought he tripped over her and fell in love. I sent him away, let the OW call me, and told het to f. off because I have 2 kids, one of them his and not ours, and I felt danger the two boys would be separated. Mom lives 500 miles away, boy lives with us. The OW was surprised that we did not have an open relationship, because they met at Tinder and met 4 days a week! I absolutely thought he was busy! I am, we work hard.
    When he came back after I sent him to a retraite camp to sort things out for myself at home, I found out the story was uglier. Why are fellow-women so mean to tell me – in hindsight, nog right away – that they always knew he screwed the waitress and a friend of mine?
    Anyway, he comes back, and to my surprise, tells me he is sorry all is true and he has to tell me even more, in order to keep me from hearing bits and peaces, so he tells me everything and it is terribly bad. He practically screwed around since I got pregnant 8 years ago. Almost the entire relationship. He wants to make it right, takes care of the kids, me, the house everything. He loves me, thinks he has been the biggest fool and if I want to go, he understands, but desperately wants me to give us a chance.
    I know I can make it by myself, I am great, I take care of the kidsand I can provide for myself having my own company. I just am not over him yet. What if he means it and I get to keep the boys together and with me. On the other hand, what if he is all bullshit still and I become this shallow version of me, looking for evidence and clues. I hate him for making problems while we are fine and happy and have healthy and wonderful children. But I feel like I need time to mourn about us, I absolutely loved us, and I am scared for my sons. I am so hurt, and so sad, I just think it is so unfair. I read the differences between remorse and fake, I think he feels remorse, but I feel the deepest repulsion about what he did and feel like screwing that nice 27 year old chasing me for months (off course, never touched him, “whe don’t do that in our marriage”). Superangry!

    • I hope you trust that he sucks. Cheating on you all that time? I don’t see how that can ever be fixed with any kind of remorse. Having a one-sided open relationship, while you mother his child? No. Open relationships can be fine for some, but he didn’t give you the courtesy of telling you it was open so that you could look around for younger and better. Yuck. Stay superangry and stay on this website.

      • Thank you Sarah. My heart has been ripped out again last weekend: found out he has had contact with the latest OW twice last month while I thought we were trying to see if there would be a chance.. So, I took steps towards divorce by sorting out the financial status, and find out that he made a complete mess of his own business account and I am legally accountable for the debt in there of which he did not tell me. Artists! Superangry changed to superscared and angry but my boys need a strong mom, not a shallow version of me. I am filing and if in debt, so be it.. Sort is out from the outside..

        • Grace

          From all the forums I have looked at, it is confirming my opinion that once a Cheater always a Cheater. My WS just admitted that she had seen AP a few times over the last few months since DDay. whilst we were supposed to be working out whether we can reconcile. They just suck – I now trust this fact

          • Hi Real monkey, sadly I needed more time to figure this out. Just this morning he confirmed seeing the AP again. It’s not like I wanted him back for myself, but all the ‘she meant nothing, I am so sorry, I am gonna do what’s best for the kids now’ didn’t mean a thing. Not a word about the effect on our sons. They know he had an affair with her because he told them 10 months ago, the drama master. Boys were 7 and 11 back then and he felt the need to inform them, because he was in so much pain.

            We shared the house, but I kicked him out just now and feel relieved for myself but worried for the boys. The oldest one is my steph-son. He lives with us since he is 2 because his mother had mental health issues (!). His mom lives 400 miles away, he sees her every few weeks. I want the boys to stay together, they love eachother like siamese twins. I want to do whatever is best for them now and just now contacted a family lawyer to see how I should go from here. As for STBX, today he woke up with AP, came to pick up his steph-son at his STBXW to bring him to his XW. I pray I can stay in my stephsons live to guide him and to keep him sane and faboulous like he is. What a shit…

  • I just realized something: poor sausage was doomed from the start. His grandfather (father’s father) spent 20+ years in the military moving around all over marrying, making babies, cheating, then leaving his children behind. To my knowledge, he has 6 or 7 children total with about five or six different wives/girlfriends….poor sausage’s father has been with his wife for over 25 years and has had two or three long-term affairs- lived with one in another state, and the others left his wife for them only to come crawling back months later.

    I told STBXH that I would never be his mom- once he cheats, he’s out…nevertheless, this past year has been the longest, mind-fuck, emotional rape that I never imagined…

    It’s only been 48 hours since he left with the last of his shit declaring, “I’ll never make this mistake again!!!” ( he had “come back” to “work things out”- lasted two weeks until I started “picking fights and pushing too hard too fast”) and I see him even more clearly than ever. Fucking asshole…Like grandfather-like-father-like-son.

  • Hi CL

    I think I’m getting to Flaming Dog Turd acceptance. It’s nearly 4 months since DDay and I’ve been through all sorts of feelings, including guilt about may failings (no more), a desire for reconciliation, loving, forgiveness etc. etc. but just then I was thinking about how my WS would be round at the AP’s house at lunchtime screwing him whilst I was at work providing for her and our kids and whilst his wife was also at work and I just thought “WHHHHHAAT!!!, how shitty can you get?” It’s just such shitty behavior from someone you thought loved you that your brain can’t quite comprehend the total shittiness of it. I mean, I don’t know how she ever looks in the mirror anymore. She’s expecting me to wait for her to decide what she wants. No chance. I certainly trust that she sucks. The divorce petition is on the way. I look forward to getting a life.

    • Hi Real Monkey Love,

      The not comprehending their shitiness is hard at times. I am 6 months out from having kicked him out after my GPS showed me he was with AP when he said he was at therapy. I still, months later, have to drive by AP’s house at night to see if he is there. Yup he is. He now lives with her and her 3 kids, while our 2 kids barely want anything to do with his unremorseful ass. I am getting closer to feeling meh. He will suck with her, just as your ex will suck with her new victim. One day they will start to smell the stench that is the Flaming Dog Turd. And we will be kicking back, eating popcorn and enjoying the show!

  • why do I feel so overwhelmingly like I suck. I feel like the crazy ex wife, the Personality Disorder. I’ve bought his line big time because for 24 years he was kind, thoughtful, caring . . . I thought. Then in the last two years he says he was unhappy in the relationship. He says things like, I’ve found it difficult for years living with your anger. I feel unhinged, like I am a truly bad and truly crazy person. He was unhappy in the relationship he says and then fell for a work colleague. They had an “emotional affair” for 15 months before he finally told me about it. And for those 15 months I walked on eggshells, wondering where his love had gone, wondering why he seemed to dislike me all of a sudden, wondering why my pathological fear of abandonment was in overdrive. He says he compartmentalised – he could love me (even though he was unhappy in the relationship) and have a daily rendezvous with the love of his life.
    Now he’s gone after a short and failed attempt at reconciliation with me. He did NC with her but clearly grieved her so badly that his resentment for me grew tenfold.
    I’m two and half months in, I’ve lost 20 kilos since August last year, I’m unwell and on the verge of losing my job. My teen daughter is starting to think I’m crazy too and my adult son can’t bear my pain anymore. Antidepressants are doing me in, I vomit, I shake, I’m broken. I’m 52 and feel like there is no future, no life to look forward to. I really want t let him go but can’t reconcile the lovely man that he was for so long with the emotional wasteland he has become. I feel on the edge of doing something dramatic – an urge to run, escape, reinvent myself. I want the years to pass, I wan to be 5 years down the track. I want this pain and crazy obsessiveness to stop.

    • I understand your post so much. 37 years with my xH. Four days after our 32 wedding anniversary I got a phone call. From OW 1 who was now mad at OW 2 who was edging her out. So she decided to out OW 2 by calling me.

      I don’t know if he ever cheated before. I had no indication in the past he did. We were planning our retirement in 10 years. Just refinanced our home to pay it off faster. Just started a major remodel in our house. I was getting my dream kitchen that I waited 28 years for. Our kids were practically all gone. Two out of the house. The only real disagreement we’d had in years was over our youngest because he is bipolar and has problems and the xH didn’t want to face it. We started to travel, finally getting a chance to enjoy our life more. I supported his business so he didn’t have to have a “real job”. We just had our first grandchild enter our life. Things seemed, well, good. And slam — I get a phone call.

      Then he tried the “she is just a friend” crap. And the “of coarse I love you” crap. But when I said he couldn’t talk to her at all, he was “well I’m not gonna lie, I’ll probably see her again”!!! WTF???

      Then within a week he was gone and never spoke to me again. I literally spent almost every day of my life from the age 16-53 with this man and BOOM — Gone. Lawyers came along. He lied through that. Divorce was final last July. He still hasn’t finished what he was supposed to do. Even my lawyer says he has never dealt with anyone quite like my xH. My son’s are as stunned as I was. Although he was not a good father and they don’t really miss him much. I’m lucky they are so supportive. All three have tried to help me see him for who he really always was; selfish.

      And through it all? I still cry for him. I still think I was the problem. I went to counseling. I have kept my head enough to keep my job. I’ve plowed through a home remodel on my own. I’ve done everything in a timely manner. I’ve been honest. Never once done anything wrong. But yet — I still cry. How long does it take to understand and believe he SUCKS? I mean, some days I get that. Because he does suck. He took OW 2 to our cabin and fucked her in our bed on our 32 wedding anniversary. He SUCKS.

      This man picked up our son from a rehab and took him to a bar. He SUCKS. He talked my son into leaving the rehab early and coming to live with him and the OW and then took him to Mexico with them where he drank for a week, came home sick, packed his bags and landed on my door. He SUCKS. Who does that to their kid who is an alcoholic? Someone who SUCKS.

      And yet – my mind thinks of him every day. Over and over. Of us when we were young and so in love. How do I get rid of that??? When will that stop?

      Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want him back. EVER. I love my dogs way more than this shitty person. And I never never never want to date or ever let a guy get that close to me again. I don’t ever ever EVER want to hurt like that again. But – I sure wish I could go a day, an hour even without thinking of this horrible man and how much pain I am still in.

      When will it truly be my turn to be meh???

      • Dear 37wastedyears, big hugs to you. It will, it just takes time and that’s hard, but believe it. One advice: change your name from 37wastedyears to Iwaswonderfulallthistime or something like that. You loved your man, you raised three beautiful boys, you made a home. He just could not value that because he is an ass. Does not make your love, and all you have done and given less valuable, it was priceless and so are you x

    • What you are experiencing (or experiencED – I really hope things have improved for you) isn’t you being crazy and unhinged or sucking. It is a trauma response. You were gaslit and abused and lied to. What you are feeling is perfectly normal (thought it’s horrible, I know).

      I too used to lie in bed shaking. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost 30 lb. I was obsessed with “what could I have done differently?”, “why did he do this?”, “what does she have that I don’t”. The answer is IT ISN’T YOU. It’s HIM. You ex is an abusive, lying, cheating asshole. He was never a “lovely man”. He was a man who was pretending to be lovely because it got him what he wanted. When you were no longer of use to him (because he’s found someone else who is easier to dupe and abuse), he had no reason to pretend anymore.

      I understand feeling like there is no life to look forward to. If your husband is anything like mine, they demand that you make them the center of your life and don’t really let you have a life of your own. So when they are gone, you feel like you have nothing.

      It took a long time (3.5 years, for me), but there IS a life, YOUR life, YOUR future. Without someone like him there to tear you down. I am happier now, without him, than I have ever been. Happier even than I was during the “good” part of my marriage, when I thought my life was perfect and wonderful. Because my life is mine now. I truly hope that you have made it through this bleak, painful time and found the wonderful joy and freedom on the other side.

  • Trust that they all suck! I cant add much to except to say that my ex husband sucks in the choicest of places like open air car parks, local dogging spots and Sand dunes and wetlands equipped with a flask of lukewarm coffee kitchen roll and binoculars # Dirtylyingcheapskatesucker

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