I have been in a serious committed relationship for two years now. We have had ups and downs, but mostly due to space caused by knowledge of possible cake eating.
I’m 35 years old, a loving, caring, single father who was really not looking for a relationship but found it just by chance, by being in the right place at the right time or maybe the wrong place at the wrong time… now I don’t know. I went out with two of my married best friends to celebrate winning my joint custody case for my daughter. There she was, we will call her Amanda for this story… we hit it off and have been in a relationship since.
Although I had not been open for a relationship at all up to that point dealing with over a year and a half of litigation for my daughter, I felt everything seemed to have good timing.
On to the Red Flags… and besides parenting disagreements, the ups and downs seem to be normal.
We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect. ~Henry David Thoreau
After a year and a half of our relationship I started to get the feeling something was out of place or going on.
So I looked.. I looked at her text, phone and email communications.
She had been contacting, going to lunch, going to happy hour and engaged in which I think as inappropriate messaging with this person.
Example, I was off work with my daughter so we dropped in at her work to surprise her and bring her food. She was actually getting car maintenance done and meeting this person for lunch. I read this and in a text, did not mention it and left it alone, only being disappointed that she failed include the detail.
It did not get better from there… Although I had planned to just not take our relationship so serious now, since apparently I was the only one who thought it was, Amanda was pushing so hard to be serious, I started to grow more unhappy.
I found at another time a message which he requested, hey can you do lunch and are we meeting at the hotel? This one is the one that started the major relationship issues for me — but still did not mention it.
Next it was a Friday, I was clearly starting to withdraw from our relationship by then and nothing was getting better. She calls me, I’m at home and like most evenings I was just relaxing, cooking delicious foods and staying in. She tells me she is going to an happy hour right after work and that she will call me later.
She did and that next Saturday I find a message detailing how his wife was out of town so he wanted to meet up for happy hour. I did not say anything, and once again took the opportunity to discuss rather she would really be interested in an open relationship. Well, hell no was the answer and Amanda could not figure out why I would even ask such things.
It’s mid-summer, our relationship has suffered mostly due to now my knowledge now of her continued relationship and I had decided that we need to work on things before moving any further or continued involvement with each other’s kids. In hope of us moving past it, I went to a baseball game in which her sons were paying.
Shit hit the fucking fan!
Her “friend” as she calls him shows up, she runs over to talk with him for awhile, and then comes back and asks me did I remember meeting him and his wife once when we first started dating. At that point I could not hold out any further.
I said, “Oh, is that the guy you went to happy hour with on Friday?” I then let her know I knew of the lunches, emails, and text messages.
She said, that they had been friends for 10 years and they once worked together. She said that the meet at the hotel text was an “inside joke” because years ago his wife was jealous of their friendship, so he found it funny to joke about meeting at a hotel with her because of how silly his wife is.
She also said that she went to happy hour to talk about our relationship. She said that he was a close friend and she was sorry she had never EVER mentioned anything about him and wanted to move forward and if that meant leaving the relationship with this person behind then that was what she would do.
Now mind you, I’m a very successful person. I have a very large close family and my parents are still together, educated and have taught us what a loving, trusting, caring family is like. What a father is like and what it means to be there for someone forever. I have a very stable career, make over six figures and swim bike run whenever my family and relationship will allow. I pondered just going back to the old me. The just me, I have done that very well and have no problem going back I hope.
After the baseball incident and not being able to spin the data or order of events in my own head in a way to make it ok, we did not see each other’s kids and started only to work on us, with our agreed upon understanding on what each person feels it means to be in a serious relationship.
We were moving forward. Around thanksgiving I even saw her two sons and we all started building a relationship again together. It felt good and was finally moving to where we both wanted to go, plus I truly love her and we are so good when we are together.
I just wanted to check… I just wanted to know that we are finally open and past all of the bullshit. I looked.
This time the text message was her inviting him to lunch. I said nothing until she called me and out of the blue a few weeks later and said her friend she used to work with has interviewed and accepted a position where she now works and will be starting in the next two weeks.
After asking her about how exactly I’m supposed to move past this she only said she realizes she may not have handled the situation as she should. She is sorry and that they have only ever been friends.
That’s my story.. In my heart I love her. In my sole I don’t want to live with the mistrust and the situation where now I would wonder everyday what kind of bullshit is really going on.
There is a part of me which feels the only way this would ever work would be for her to remove herself from the situation by finding another job. Not that I actually believe she would do it, but if she did should I say with her? Have I created this whole thing up by not understanding the not funny at all inside joke? Is she a cake eater?
Dear Mr. H,
Is she a cake eater? Did Hostess make Twinkies? Do diabetics like cookies? Do cupcakes have frosting?
YES she is a cake eater.
Whether she is cheating (yes), or cake eating (yes), or simply disrespecting you (yes again!) — you need to dump this woman like yesterday. Fabulous, fit, gainfully employed, family oriented you deserve better than this. You are a stock that trades high. Know this. A cheating, single mother of two? Not so much.
1.) I think you have some issues with your picker. Get some therapy on this. You apparently have a contentious relationship with your ex-wife. Healthy people don’t put each other through nearly two-year long custody battles. How do I know? My mentally ill first husband has sued me repeatedly (pro se, representing himself) for over a decade. Been there, done that — oh and I also have the disastrous follow up marriage to a serial cheater. You have spared yourself that misery by questioning your relationship with Amanda at this juncture (well done!) But back to wife #1 — what you’ve been through is so damaging, so difficult. I know you’re fabulous, fit, successful, etc., but please also considered that the divorce and custody shit addled your brain. Made you vulnerable. How could it not? You didn’t date while it was going on. I imagine you were rightfully lonely and overwhelmed. You need to really shore yourself up after those kind of life events — get very, very strong and focused on what you want and what healthy looks like before you throw yourself out into the dating pool. You stumbled over Amanda in a bar, fell for the sparkles. It happens. It’s time to realize that you picked BADLY, very badly, and fix that.
2.) Stick up for yourself! Every time you found something damaging and suspicious, you shut up about it. Held it in. Until the fateful ball game, where she’s flaunting this asshole in your face. Texts that say “meet me at the hotel” are exactly what they look like — hook ups at a hotel. You’ve known enough for awhile to know this is bad. To dump her immediately. Read up on spackle. You’ve been spackling.
3.) It’s NOT LUNCH! She has been fucking him at lunch. She is a cheater and she is mindfucking you. Let’s review the evidence, shall we?
She said, that they had been friends for 10 years and they once worked together. She said that the meet up at the hotel text was an “inside joke” because years ago his wife was jealous of their friendship, so he found it funny to joke about meeting at a hotel with her because of how silly his wife is.
NOBODY makes jokes like this. This is a transparent lie. His wife was “jealous” of their “friendship”? Hell yeah she was. He’s a cheater. Assuming that he’s not a cheater (he is a cheater), his wife feels insecure about this “friendship” and so his way of assuaging her concerns is with CRUEL JOKES? That your idiot Amanda there is party to and finds FUNNY? That makes them both colossal ASSHOLES. If her lie is true (it is not), she is dump worthy just for being the kind of fuckwit who would do such a thing.
But the simple truth is, Mr. H., these are the lame fabrications of the discovered cheater. And you know it. In your gut, you know this.
4.) Now you are the butt of the cruel joke. So, just like Mr. Asshole’s wife, you are suspicious of this “friendship” and asked Amanda to cut it out, which she promised to do, but then she breaks no contact! And is doing “lunch” again! And BONUS! Is going to be working with him again! A trifecta of betrayal!
You are NOT in a healthy relationship. Assuming she is not cheating (she is cheating), she is DISRESPECTING YOU. She lies, breaks her promises to you, and brushes off your very legitimate concerns. This is NOT the stuff that healthy relationships are made of.
You love her. Okay, fine. Everyone who reads here at Chump Lady once loved a cheater. This does not distinguish you. Every cheater has hooks. Some love is not good for you. Jerry Sandusky “loves” little boys. You are of use to her. You are being her chump. She transgresses and over and over and over again you stay SILENT.
Time to speak up. This relationship is over. You created a boundary (she stops seeing this man), which she agreed to, and she violated that boundary. It is up to you to enforce the boundary. Dump her. And do not take her back.
Say Amen at least you didn’t marry her! Just put her out of your life fast.
Just to add to the list CL has highlighted, recall that he mentions “my wife is out of town” when inviting himself to happy hour. Pretty clear what is going on.
Pretty clear analysis yet what keeps you stuck thinking about it? What are you waiting for? Are you making excuses for her? Is there a relationship trade-off you feel you owe her?
CL, your analysis reminds me of the self-protective marbles I used to have before I was worn down. That “Skein of Fuckupness” can keep you distracted/displaced for many years! A good partner needs to have a sense of “character”: you don’t intentionally undermine someone who is supposed to be a nearest and dearest for a, supposedly, casual “friend”. Something feels very “off”.
Oh yeah – I would dump her just for issue of the “meet me at the hotel” texts.
That she even considers being “friends” (and we all know they are not just friends) with someone who would treat his wife so cruelly and consider it a joke? And participate in said joke? Not someone you want to be associated with.
As Janet said, thank heavens you aren’t married. Or engaged. Save yourself.
Sheesh, CL said it all and said it well but let me just add: RUN THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN! She will destroy you. Go find a nice lady, someone who doesn’t think it’s funny or cool to play around with other people, either emotionally or physically.
Look, you feel when you were depleted. It happens. Chalk it up to some decent sex and some companionship but don’t mistake this for love, healthy or otherwise. You are lonely and hell yeah, being lonely sucks. too bad, suck it up, you want this nutjob around that daughter you fought so hard to see?
Time to put the big boy panties on and kick this crazy bitch out of your life. She’s a cheating cake eater and she’ll keep doing it until you say enough.
And good luck, by the way. You sound like a great guy. There are plenty of women who would adore meeting someone like you and who would treat you – and allow you to treat them – the way we all want to be treated: with respect, dignity and exclusive hot sex.
Excellent point. This woman is toxic to her own kids (fucking around with a married men), she’s certainly toxic to Mr. H’s daughter. Poor kids.
I can only agree with what’s been said so far and to add: (1) trust your gut. It’s not sitting right with you for damned good reason.
(2) Amanda’s behavior with this married friend is shady, and she’s definitely not acting like a good friend to him or to his marriage. This, of course, is even MORE shady when you have already expressed your concerns to her about it, and she’s committed the exact same offense despite spite having clear-as-crystal notice of your legitimate concern.
She concedes that his wife is jealous of their (so-called) friendship and yet she continues to text him and invite him for solo lunches? What kind of “friend” would willingly put the husband in that awkward/shady/suspicious situation with his own wife? Seems like Amanda has issues with respecting boundaries… this is not OK.
Dear H – All I can add to this is it’s definitely NOT lunch. Trust me, that made me sick to my stomach. Its NOT lunch. Trust your gut and get out now.
from your letter: “She said, that they had been friends for 10 years and they once worked together. She said that the meet up at the hotel text was an “inside joke” because years ago his wife was jealous of their friendship, so he found it funny to joke about meeting at a hotel with her because of how silly his wife is.”
This is the same exact story, the OW in my STBX’s affair at first told her unwitting faithful loyal spouse. It was a lie.
And, yes, you are now the butt of jokes between the two, just like her lover is making his wife the butt of jokes.
Of course you are Jealous and distrustful. You are an intelligent person. Trust your gut.
Also, since you are not married to her. Run like the wind my friend. Ruuuuuuuuuuuunnn.
This woman already lied to you. And, she broke a promise to not see him again.
Hi Mr H,
I just want to add from my own experience that in any relationship or marriage, there should NEVER be secret friends. My STBXH had a three year affair with this female acquaintance we had from a country club we belonged to.. And he and she struck up their own friendship unbeknownst to me. If Amanda is keeping this information from you about meeting this “friend” at various times and locations she is NOT respecting you, respecting boundaries while in the relationship with you, and certainly is not trustworthy or loving to you. For that I am sorry. Any person outside the relationship that you or your SO have must be friends of the relationship/marriage.. There are many beautiful, smart, intelligent, caring, true women out there that are worth putting your heart on the line for. And why Because you can put that love and trust out there and know that it will be reciprocated and boundaries will be respected. Good luck with whatever you choose to do and listen to your instincts, they are never wrong.
Chump Lady, you ever thought of becoming a licensed therapist? You are incredible!!
I didn’t know that the man who raised me wasn’t my biological father until my mother, long divorced and on her deathbed, told me. She told me that times had been tough, she moved to another part of the country and came back when she was pregnant. Child of a cheater, I guess, with a hard-wired skein.
My memory of childhood was that my mother was a martyr and my father was an angry, raging man but, of course, I didn’t know why. I had thought it was because his youth and young adulthood were marked by the Great Depression, then refugee status during WWII, followed by moving to a new country and language when he had been a journalist. I thought he was irrationally angry with my mother.
When I was given the truth, too late to process my own anger at my mother or to find my biological father, but still in time to come to a new appreciation of my father. But I went through over 30 years of estrangement from my gut, intuitive knowledge.
The skein was pretty hardwired in my brain when I met my ex. She was sparkly and what my gut picked up about her narcissism was dismissed. I believed that her hard childhood made her needful of attention. I thought I was indulging her, and I missed her colossal sense of entitlement. I suspected her of cake a few times, but turned a blind eye. Then the evidence arrived in the form of explicit loveletters left out, and confirmed what my gut had been telling me. I didn’t want it so, but my gut knew it was so.
I am better at listening to my gut. We had kids together, so no NC as we share custody, but she doesn’t mess me up anymore. I am better at recognizing what I truly want.
Mr. H seems to have intuitive knowledge what is going on. There’s the gaslighting, and probably some predisposition. But. He is writing here. He seems pretty close to trusting his gut and throwing of wishing otherwise. He is close to where he needs to be.
“It was just a joke.”
Classic cheater cover story when statements about affairsa re found out. Incredibly flimsy (only slightly less flimsy than the “you imagined that text” defense) and yet surpisingly effective with used on co-dependent types who desperately want to believe their marriage might be salvaged. It has the added effect of subtly gas-lighting the betrayed spouse, as in, “Jeez, can’t you even take a JOKE?” Implied is that you are a humorless drudge who isn’t any fun to be around and–by gosh–doesn’t that it make it even more reasonable that your spouse wants some time away with frineds who are generally fun and “get” her sense of humor? BTDT. For 22 years.
Adults in commited relationships don’t text about hooking up at hotels for sex as a JOKE. Adults who text about hooking up at hotels to . . . HAVE. SEX.
Sorry this is the case, but feel a sense of relief on your behalf that you learned this before you made a family with such worthless and callous loser.
First of all I want to thank everyone for your comments and support. I know, I know, I know, I know. That is the problem. I have never been a type of person to allow something like this and even consider staying. Somewhere along the line I lost myself. No matter how hard I try I can’t ignore my gut and it has been eating me. It’s just really hard to give up on someone you love and something you want so bad, to have a family of my own and have someone I can trust and to have someone that has my back and always there for me rather I’m with them or flying around the world on business. Part of me wants to believe they are just friends and I have made the whole thing an issue. Before this I had not shared this with anyone. Not my family who adores her, not my friends not anyone. I made myself believe it was the whole thing about not wanting external friends to influence my relationship or maybe it is because I knew they would say the same thing.
Mr. H, those things you want? You can have them. Just not with her.
She is taking up another woman’s space. And the longer you stay stuck with her, the longer you’ll have to wait to have the things you truly want. You’re wasting time, and these resources are precious.
You’re not making too much of this, and we chumps would know. Post over at any other infidelity site and they’re going to tell you the same things. They got the same stories, the same red flags. Cheaters are not very original.
Date for character. This woman doesn’t have your back. The person you love, or your family loves, is a figment, a projection. Read over at Dr. George Simon’s blog http://www.manipulative-people.com or http://www.outofthefog.net — some great resources there.
You can do better, but first you need to believe it. You are not making “too much” of it. Even without the cheating (she IS cheating), the disrespect, the lack of boundaries, the lying are deal breakers. Get clear on what HEALTHY looks like before you date again. Beware the sparkly, manipulative people like Amanda.
Ah it feels good just to go back and read all the comments. It really helps to stay focused. It also helps to spend this weekend, my weekend with my daughter like every other. We had such a good time as always and she is so amazing. Sunday evening.. got out of the house and watching football with old college roommate and my daughter has safely arrived back home. The test will be this week but I have a feeling she finally gets it. She has stopped the BS texts since I stopped falling into fog and not letting the focus change. I almost feel like I just woke from a dream that was going on for two years.
Seek out the friends that tell you the truth and support you when it comes time for you to make that difficult choice to run like hell.. (Run, bike, or swim away.. Take your pick triathlete!).. It is so damn hard to detach from someone you love.. Or to be clear, the person you thought you fell in love with. The real person is a tool.. No character.
Tell your trusted friends what is going on.. And let them support you through this. Be strong and someday you will meet your lady with values that will be texting you for lunch and a rendezvous in a hotel. And ONLY YOU. That lady will have your back and your daughter’s.. If she needs A Man da hug and kiss the joke will not be on you.. It will be real. Good luck Mr H!
“It is so damn hard to detach from someone you love.. Or to be clear, the person you thought you fell in love with. The real person is a tool.. ”
Perfect. My new mantra.
ETA, Mr. H — when you dump her (and I know you will because you’re a smart guy who knows he deserves better) — prepare yourself for an onslaught of manipulation and faux “remorse” of the sort you got when you confronted her before.
I agree with Rose, tell your friends. Get support to help you through this. Don’t take her back. Listen to her ACTIONS — which tell you all you need to know. She’s working with him and “lunching” together.
Print out these comments and give them to her when you dump her. Let here see that outside observers can see her for what she is.
I am glad to see you are starting to trust your gut already.
It is difficult to believe that someone you love is cheating, and difficult to get over.
The good new is that you are not yet married and haven’t invested much in this women.
There are many men and women out there who are faithful and who do not even entertain the thought of cheating once married.
Set yourself free from this woman and go find a good one.
Mr. H: I am at the beginning of the unravelling of a 23 yr marriage with a man I love and treated better than any man I ever loved. I keep trying to understand, to be patient, hoping he will come to his senses but Chump Lady has kind of opened my eyes to the fact that he is also a cake eater. Wants the loving supportive wife and the facebook ego stroking he is getting from the old girlfriend. He has broken my heart. You have the luxury of getting this woman out of your life before things get too tangled up. It is hard when you have been divorced and then someone boosts your ego by giving you love and attention but she can never commit to you alone. She likes playing the game. Because her “friend”may still be married she needs someone on the side to reassure her. Don’t give her a second (or third?) chance. Move on.
I have had a close male friend for years. We “met” in Mommy and Me when we were two and our mom’s became best friends. We went to Elementary, Jr. High, and High School together and kept in touch during collage. We made jokes about running away to Vegas and getting married.
But I always made sure to introduce him to the boys/men I was dating. First because he was a friend and I trusted his judgement and wanted his opinion on the male in question, second because I wanted my SO to meet the people who were important to me. The same reasons I introduced him to my cousins, siblings, parents, and other friends.
I NEVER found a reason to hide his presence from the people I dated because there was never any reason to. I could say, “I’m going to lunch with John” the same way I could say, “I’m going to lunch with Jane” and never lied, panicked or had to come up with excuses. Likewise his girlfriends never had any reason to be jealous of me and I actually stayed friends with one of them after the break up.
If he really is just an old, close friend, then when he turns up for a baseball game she should act like her cousin or brother showed up and drag you over to say hi.
She’s acting like she has something to hide – honey there’s a reason for that.
As I was reading your letter I was screaming at the computer, “She’s lying!”, “She’s cheating!”, “Get away from her now!” I wish someone had said these things to me 5 years ago when I was in the exact same situation with my STBX. My gut at the time kept telling me this is wrong, these IM messages/emails don’t sound like they are just friends. I asked my husband to stop being friends with this woman but he kept insisting I had nothing to worry about, that they are “just friends.” So I stuffed my feelings and convinced myself I was overreacting. I stopped looking at his emails and text messages because I convinced myself that I should trust my husband. Fast forward one year ago when my husband left our family for another woman, a different one. If only I had listened to my gut 5 years ago I wouldn’t have lost those precious years. Bottom line, trust your gut, love your gut. Your gut is a beautiful thing.
I understand why you are confused… after all, you even gave her an out… asked if she wanted an open relationship, she said no. You pulled back and she pushed for you to get more serious. While still pulling this shit on you. Unfortunately, I cannot explain those things because I DON’T GET IT EITHER. I guess we should be glad we can’t really understand the mind of a cheater… we have too much moral clarity for that. They call you crazy, they say everything is a joke, and we want to believe them because we cannot fathom lying to a person we love like they are doing. We do not understand how they can say one thing and do another. We can’t imagine betraying them. So we believe we are crazy. But WE ARE NOT CRAZY. We need to trust our gut and know we deserve better. You may not have “hard proof” that she’s cheating on you, but you have proof that she’s lied to you. Repeatedly. That is completely disrespectful. You also have another suspicious significant other. That should be enough. You should get out before you get even more wrapped up with her. You deserve to be happy. After the divorce and long custody battle, etc., you deserve to be happy. This chick ain’t doing that for you.
From what I’ve read (ahem, Amazon chump) the first big break up after a divorce can be even harder than the divorce. I can’t imagine that personally (and I hope it’s not true since getting divorced SUCKS), but I know I’ve seen it mentioned at least a couple times. I forget why… something about maybe because you really REALLY think it’s going to be different this time? Or it’s hard to accept because you went and found someone completely different from you ex and then you still can’t make it work? Not sure. Haven’t done it yet, therefore my reading on the topic is incomplete 🙂 But I remember something about that it is this break-up, not the divorce, that sends a lot of people to finally seek therapy. So maybe you got some of this post divorce break up thing going on too…
The fog is gone and today is the first day of something unknown which may just be ok. I can’t lie and say I don’t care about her. I can’t say I’m not sad even thought I also feel relieved. As a kid I was taught to take care of everyone as the oldest son of four sisters and two more brothers. To always be there and stand up for people in need. I was taught to always smile and greet everyone you pass and to feed someone in hunger. So as you imagine my breakup was well, very loving. Something to the fact that I will always love you but can’t go forward in a relationship with you due to your actions. Am I just a big @ss softy pushover? Of course she is sending me messages after messages after messages saying thanks for showing her what true love is, she is feeling abandon and separated in a time when it’s imperative to stick together. She now says alone she will make the changes necessary for us to be together. The words that with out the fog have little belief to me even though there is still a part of me which want her to still take action and show me. 2013 did not come soon enough. Day 5, my day 1.
Good for you for dumping her! STAY STRONG. This is exactly as I predicted, she’s lighting up your phone with texts. Mr. H? She’s a manipulative piece of shit. Seriously, internalize that. She cheated on you. Lied to you. Broke her promises. And now is manipulating you.
NOTE “she is feeling abandon and separated in a time when it’s imperative to stick together”
It is ALL ABOUT HER. HER pain. Her poor sausage self. NOT what she DID that caused this.
She “alone” will make the necessary changes? (That implies, btw, that you have changes to make, but she’ll make the awesome sacrifice of doing it ALONE!) Bullshit. She had that chance. Guess what? She then took the opportunity to “lunch” (fuck) with the OM. Oh, and line him up as her new co-worker.
Mr. H — this is like kicking a drug. She’s a drug. Go no contact. Block her number, cut her OFF. Tell your friends to help keep you STRONG. Hold the good friends close. Post here as often as you want. We’ll slap sense into you.
You do NOT want a future with this woman, when you’ve got a mortgage and a blended family, and then she’s fucking around on you, and you’re looking at divorce #2. Don’t doubt yourself. I’m sorry you chose badly. It’s very painful. But be your own best friend right now. Dump her and LET HER STAY DUMPED.
NC. NC. NC.
What is wrong with sausage, CL?
MR. Hang in there this is only Day 1 and I’ll bet this woman has more up sleeve than you can imagine. Of course she is bombarding you with emails and text. She wants your attention; she wants you to cave in. It is all part of her game. She’s lonely. She knows you’re vulnerable. She’ll want to meet you for lunch/dinner/drinks. Of course you still have feelings for her but she is like cigarettes. Or drugs. DO NOT RESPOND!!!!!
How dare you dump her! She so sparkly! You really should have understood that she’s so special that she needs other people to give her kibbles too. Besides, she sooo smart that you should not have figured it out. And if you did you should have performed the “pick me dance”. How dare you not notice how important she is!
Well, it’s alright. Out of the kindness of her great big heart she is giving you another chance. That’s right you’re a good enough person you get another chance to provide her with kibbles! Aren’t you lucky? She’ll even make a few gestures to indicate your importance as a kibble source to keep them coming.
Why aren’t you rushing back with armloads of kibbles to make up for you mistake of leaving such a wonderful sparkle? Obviously you don’t understand your place in the world – her world.
But the battle is not lost. She shall not give up her kibble source without a fight. Not when doing so proves she wrong or worse not as clever and describable as she thought. You can’t walk away, come back and spackle or else you’ll loose the wonderful life that is a worship of her. And who would want to miss that?
Mr. H, you are a class act. You do the right things because that is who you are. She says the right things because she knows how to push your buttons. She’s a sparkly swindler who has shown herself to be good at fog and mirrors. Swindlers succeed because they can read their “chumps”. You are transparent. She is not. She knows at least part of you really wants the fog to roll back in.
It really is your choice: do you want to be “a big @ass softy pushover”? Or a man who can distinguish between what he wishes is true and what he knows is true? If it is the former, trust her. If it is the latter, trust your gut.
Mr. H: your hopefully soon to be ex-girlfriend sounds so much like my ex-fiance. Please listen to your gut and Chump Lady and dump her. Dodge the Bullet like I did. It hurts at first to face the truth, but it does set us free. You will move from hopelessness to hope again, and be able to love again. Trust YOU, not the liar Amanda.
You already gave her a chance to change, and as you noted she did for a short while.
She may again stop seeing this man for a short while, but you know and I know that she is capable of lying and deceiving someone she claims to love, and she will either reignite with him or find someone new.
Cheaters seem to crave and need outside validation from multiple people to feel good about themselves.
They are drug addicts, and one hit will never be enough.
Remember that potato chip commercial chiding “I betcha’ can’t eat just one”, well don’t be your cheater’s potato chip because we all know ONE potato chip is never enough.
Bravo, Mr. H. I know it’s painful but you did the right thing. If you feel like a relapse coming on, come back to Chump Lady. You have a ton of support here. Like CL said, she is all about her, only her. All cheaters are like that. They never think about you. Since you’re in the thick of all these emotions, it’s hard for you to think logically about what would happen if you ended up with her and got married. Take it from Chump Lady and all of us who can think logically for you and predict with 100% certainly what would have happened – she would have kept on cheating but it would have been worse because your finances and children would be affected.
It will be difficult and painful, but you will get through this. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself. All your life you’ve been taking care of others. Now it’s the time to take care of YOU.
It’s been a very hard week. And although I have been working out everyday at 24hour fitness, taking classes every other day at title boxing club and eating like I have a upcoming race.. I’m still MAD. I’m hurt, I’m angry and I’m just plain pissed the hell off.
I have been NC since Friday and although four days seems like not much mind you I dedicated my love, time, finances and communications all to Amanda for the last two years. So, you go from taking every morning, as soon as I got off work and before bed it already seems so strange to go cold turkey even though I know that is the only way.
She has been calling and calling and because I am still hurt and pissed off I wanted to see if by any chance there had been some magical unicorn that had granted Amanda some self reflection and ownership of her actions. Not even close….
I get out of title boxing.. throw up in the bathroom after class if that lets you know how much I still have to work off and see I had a missed call from her.
I call her back on the way home and She leads in tonight with “I just wanted to hear your voice.” Are you serious??? My voice, my voice.. that’s what you want to talk about?
So, of course after being completely out of the Fog statements like that umm, really piss me off. So, I said “So basically you would like me to eat a shit sandwich and pretend like we are friends and your cheating with a married man never happened?
I’m sorry, I will not be eating any and I mean ANY shit sandwiches in 2013.
She leads again in next with well I made her feel like I did not want to be in a relationship with her. Again, BS… Good times or bad, I have been there. All my free time, all my family’s time, everything I have.
You, should have ended the relationship.. Your the one running around with a married man. Any little weak minded man would just at the opportunity so I’m sorry, it is on Amanda. You should have ended our relationship and either way what kind of person are you to fuck with such a POS that dishonors his marriage.
Well as you imagine the unicorn was nowhere to be found. Even though I’m sure she enjoyed hearing me so umm pissed.. I feel much better. I REFUSE to own any of her actions as she so tried to put on me.
The closing was something surrounding the need of self reflection and owning cheating which with out I kindly ask her to not contact me any further.
Yea I caved. No I”m not taking her back. No I’m not going to let her call me for a daily shit sandwich order.
I’m still hurt, I’m still mad as hell.
Good. Be Beale in Network.
Don’t talk with her. It’s like sticking your head in a blender.
Any contact is opening the door for more contact, you just set yourself back and signal that you… care.
You are KICKING A DRUG. No fixes. Keep punching that punching bag. You’re grieving and it’s work. The pain is finite. Every time you make contact with her you are extending the pain. Remain disciplined.
You KINDLY asked he not to call you again. For heaven’s sake block her #. Has she shown up anywhere you go? Keeping busy is good. When you go to that boxing club pretend you are hitting her. GET ANGRY!!! Just wants to hear your voice HOW LAME AND UNORIGINAL. She thinks you will cave in after all she is so sparkly ( I think I saw that in another post.) You will hurt for a long time; you will be mad for a long time. She may persist for a long time.
I would guess you are not blocking her number because a small part of you hopes she’ll Really Get It Now that she loves you and will reach out with “remorse” and make this right.
Not. Gonna. Happen.
Smother that hope with a pillow. Bludgeon it with a fencepost. Block her number.
Actually, one more comment.. Not even a nibble of a shit sandwich. I WILL NOT.
Good for you Mr H. Stay strong. 2013 is your time now. Do not have any contact or communication w her as it will continue to undermine your healing process and the cycle of the cheater taking advantage of you will continue… All while you give your power away a litle each time. She will never change. She is not the good person you thought you were in love with. The real her is the person who trampled on, spit on, and threw away the gifts you have given of yourself to her and the relationship. The real her?? She is a cheating, lying, manipulative, sick, trampy tool. The next few months will be most difficult. But it will get easier. Lean hard on your family and your friends. And spend time with your daughter. Stay busy. Meet new people. Pick up some new hobbies. Stay single for awhile. Heal your mind and heart. Eventually you won’t look for those missed calls anymore. The pain won’t feel so sharp. For me in the early stages, my mental and emotional pain was so severe, I felt horrible pain physically in every fiber of my body. I was so tired physically, emotionally, mentally, but could not sleep or eat for awhile. In these early stages take really good care of yourself. Awesome that you box.. Great way to let out frustrations and aggresion. I promise you the pain will dull considerably. And down the road it will be a difficult experience endured. Hard lessons to apply for your bright future.
I went to counseling (still am, less frequent now because I am beyond the crisis mode) to give me the insight I needed to be healthy emotionally, mentally and am very strong now. I know what I have to do. And I know I can do it.
Again good luck Mr H… All us chumps are rooting for you. Keep us posted on your healing journey. God bless!
🙂 Ok, sorry.. that felt better.
Forgot to add to really FEEL the feelings. Feel angry. Feel sad. GRIEVE the loss. It is a horrible loss. Give yourself time each day to let it out. In time, you will let the toxicity out to let the repatching, rebuilding begin. And be stronger for it. Also look for some inspirational music, reading, movies, whatever it is to help you to have faith to a brighter future. Fill the deep, painful hole you have in your heart and soul with something tangible. I am still on my journey in healing.. Some days are harder than others, but nothing compared to the early days. Faith and prayer have helped immensely for me too.
OK Mr H it is day 5 by my reconning.(sic) How are things going? Hanging in there? Staying strong? NOT tal;king to her? Weekend is coming. Getting out of town? Did you block her # yet?
Well, 19 days.. Hanging in there yes I am. Been to title boxing 15 of the 19. The other 4 were my every other weekend in which I spend with my daughter. When she is with me nothing else in the whole world matters. We hit Lego Land, been shopping new dresses, took her to my annual company awards dinner this past weekend and to church services which I have to admit I had not been regular until as of late. I enrolled in summer continued education classes, working on the latest Microsoft certifications and have been on top of everything at work. I even planned a snowboarding trip not this weekend but the next to Colorado. So you know, I’m feeling good. Things are kind of bright.. After looking back and thinking about everything I’m still can get angry yes but now it’ more kind of a sad for Amanda and her destructive life choices. I don’t have time for it and even though by default I would want to help her as a friend. I real friend to see her be successful and uplifted and on a path to setting and executing goals and positive family aspirations… She has only lip service. All talk, never any action and I’m moving a new direction. Living well or at least doing my best.
Glad to hear that you are taking charge of your happiness, that you are an incredible role model for your daughter (ehen she grows up she will know how she should be treated by a man), and doing your best to put the positives in your life to crowd out the bad.
Amanda made her choices.. She will live out the consequences. She does not deserve your friendship as she already had it and ripped it to shreds.
Thanks for posting on your progress. Stay strong we are all rooting for you.
Mr. H, How are you doing these days? Hope you are seeing brighter days ahead. What is this title boxing club you work out at all about? Do you actually train in a ring and spar or more like speed bag/heavy bag work out? I am interested in checking out something like this myself (minus the sparring… I don’t want to mess up my pretty face!!.) Just speed bag work for different technique and combinations.. Thank you in advance!