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Financial Infidelity

chump-money People who will screw around on you, will often screw you over financially as well. Are you in the dark about their affairs? You’re probably also in the dark about their credit card bills, secret bank account, and P.O. boxes. The entitlement thinking that cheaters are prone to often extends to who controls the money.

Even in a marriage in which the finances are fairly transparent, the cheater may feel quite entitled to spend the lion’s share of income on him or herself. This might even be something you tolerated or supported. (He works so hard, I suppose he’s entitled to his toys…or the princess mentality in which she “needs” a lot of trinkets to be “happy.”)

To pull off a double life for any duration, a cheater needs to control some cash. That’s why I often advise folks to insist on a credit report from their cheating spouse. Refusal to provide one is a pretty good indication there are things there they’d rather you not know about. If divorcing, your lawyer can also demand financial records. Running a credit check may reveal a whole host of skeletons — the debts they carry, P.O. boxes they send their other credit card statements and cell phone bills to, those “other” credit cards… This is useful information to give your attorney. Or if you can afford it, hire a forensic accountant. Monies spent on an affair are marital assets you can ask for back in a divorce.

Another way cheating and financial defrauding go hand in hand is CONTROL. Cheaters may want to control the bill paying, or insist on keeping the finances separated. There’s a concerted effort to control the flow of information around money. They are the gatekeepers. And if you ask, you’ll get flutter, defensiveness, or diversionary tactics thrown back at you. Folks eventually give up asking, and live with the chaos. Or the facade that everything is kosher (perhaps you have enough discretionary income to absorb their losses) and they’re minding the till just fine.

People are rightly afraid of the financial losses inherent in divorce, especially stay at home moms. But here’s what a lot of people don’t tell you — in the long run, you’re going to be much better off because YOU are captaining your ship. What income you have will be yours and yours alone. You won’t be tethered to some agent of chaos trying to ruin what you’re creating. I’m not trying to make light of the financial injustice — but you CAN and WILL recover. If you’d stayed with that wingnut? You’d be a lot less secure emotionally and financially. Can you imagine growing old with them, when times got lean or there were health problems and then they behaved selfishly? You’re so much better off without them. Get the best settlement you can get, and REBUILD. You’ll be amazed at how great autonomy feels.

Also consider you may not always be alone. If you partner up again, I trust you’ll be much wiser and will choose a healthier relationship based on honesty and reciprocity. Discuss your finances straight up. Look at each other’s financial profile before you recommit! When my husband and I married, we got a pre-nup. We have a joint checking account, and what monies that are separate (his business, my inheritance) we both know about and can view at any time. Like anybody, we’ve weathered financial down turns, but I can’t tell you how much different it is to go through such challenges with someone who is a full partner.

I used to be a total chump when it came to money. My first husband went on personal strike, wouldn’t pay for jack, and I paid our mortgage and all my own bills. He paid whatever he felt like paying. I tolerated this until I realized I was already living like a single parent and I divorced him. (Part of his miserliness was his OCD, but a bigger part of it was he’s a total creep.) My second brief marriage to a serial cheater, his finances were a total secret to me. He was a patent attorney and he lived large. From that marriage, I realized that more income does not equal greater financial security — whatever he earned, he spent, and then some. I only discovered his actual debts when I ran a credit check on him. Something I wish I had asked for before I married him.

My point is, when it comes to money — don’t be a chump! Protect yourself and enjoy that newfound autonomy. Oh, and treat yourself to something nice too. God knows you’ve earned it.

 

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  • Good points CL.

    In my case, I paid the bills.

    However, he was the spender and I was the saver. You are right I let him spend, while I saved. Foolish I know.

    In his case he ALWAYS withdrew cash from the ATM. I repeatedly questioned these too frequent cash withdrawals but he always had a legit excuse…..dry cleainig his suits, client lunches, hair cuts, etc., expenses for nights out with the boys. BTW, I never went on night’s out with the girls. An occasional lunch was how i met the girls.

    A forensic accountant is always a good idea. They aren’t cheap but it’s best to be informed.

    I later learned of secret bank account, credit cards, burn phones, etc.

  • FYI: I ran a credit report (actually 2 from different credit reporters) and had no problem getting info. Fortunately my husband is too unsophisticated to run a big finacial scam since I have control of the accounts (he didn’t want to be bothered) No even sure how he is paying for his secret cell phone so he can text his facebookfuck (Maybe she is paying for it!)

  • We’ve always kept our accounts separate, but one of the first flags for me was when he started running out of money at the end of the month. He pays mortgage and groceries. I pay utilities. He makes around $90K per year. I make less than $40K. When he started to run out of money for groceries, or the couple of times when the mortgage payment was short–I started to notice. Where is the money going?

    I could have understood a few years ago. His mother had died of cancer, and between the funeral and a couple of prescriptions, he was about $10K in debt. However, after his father died, the small inheritance covered his credit debts. We should have money for a new car. We don’t. We shouldn’t be going short at the end of the month. We are.

    Either he’s socking more into retirement than he can afford at this point or he’s been supporting his AP. I’m betting the latter.

    A credit report will tell me where his debts really are located, and I can compare it to the report we had when we bought our home.

  • I always took care of the money as far as paying the bills, etc. but he blew through money like water. Many an argument about this. At one point I set up a bookkeeping thing and asked him to bring receipts home so we could pinpoint where all the money was going (he is a very high earner). He kept ‘forgetting’ and it never got solved. Well, you know, it’s solved now.

    Funnily enough, despite him trying to screw me over financially while I try to find work and him having very low costs he’s blowing through his pay every month well ahead of time and OW is paying for a lot. This month he’s already out of cash, can’t pay for kid’s activities, moaning to me about money and threatening to cut me off. Fuck him. He has never been able to budget and never will be able to…and now he’s got a 25 year old to deal with it. Hahahaha….bet she’s getting those niggling feelings but is ignoring them because he makes her feel so special. Hahahaha.

    I’ll get some sort of job and I’ll figure it out. I’m good with my money and the only time I was consistently short was the first few years we got together, until I put my foot down….and even then I could barely keep a handle on it because he would just spend, spend, spend. He paid his bills but never thought about spreading the money across the month, hence many last week before paycheck spent eating pasta.

    No more. I buy meat on sale and freeze it. Veg from the cheapest shop, treats once a week for the kids, make my own cookies, plan for extras, sock money away in savings and plan for future trips by setting up seperate accounts to put money into. I may have less but I’ll be fine. Him, well, it’s all financial chaos forever, I’m afraid. OW is going to spend all her money making sure he eats and he’ll let her.

    Oh, wait, this was about larger financial issues. Sorry, needed to vent. 🙂

  • “Can you imagine growing old with them, when times got lean or there were health problems and then they behaved selfishly?”

    You said it, CL. A good friend of mine who is in remission from cancer said almost that same thing to me in those horrid days after DDay: “Can you imagine if YOU were the one who had cancer? He never would have helped you.”

    I had an iffy result on a test last summer, and I was very frightened. I called to tell him about it so that he’d be prepared to help out more with the kids in the event that I got bad news, and it was like telling a telemarketer my bad news. No, I take that back– a complete stranger trying to sell me something over the telephone would have had more sympathy. It was more like talking to a robot. It really made the situation far worse for me emotionally, though in hindsight, it taught me to never do that again or, if I have to tell him about a health problem, to do it with the expectation that I won’t get much more from him than I’d get from a disinterested stranger.

    I might be alone, but I am far better off learning how to stand on my own two feet now and that it’s okay to reach out for help from friends and family. Better that than to have the rug yanked out from under me years from now during a crisis when I discover that he can’t/won’t be there for me. A lot of people on SI talk about how they lost a loved one or went through some other difficult time, and the cheating spouse was unsympathetic and had a “when will you get over this?” attitude. That’s brutal– why stick around to have the knife pushed more deeply into your chest? The pain of being alone is far easier to bear, IMHO.

    • You know what I find odd? I was always there for STBX, always catching him when things went pear shaped, yet when I needed him most he was no where to be found. And I remember when his grandfather was dying and I kept asking why he wouldn’t go visit him and he said it was none of my business. He never did go but put on quite the show at the funeral for his mother, who also has massive asshat issues. I look back and think ‘really? Your granddad and it was too much trouble to visit him before he died?’. I get the feeling that there is a lot of hidden stuff in his family that they are all desperately trying to hide from the world…I feel this more and more as things play out and I am quite sure I’m not far off the mark.

      • Sadly, that’s not odd. To him your purpose was to keep him happy. If he has to put in work, he’s not happy so there’s no point to doing so. They want to live in a constant circus of cotton candy and carnival popcorn. No substance but it tastes good and it’s easily available.

  • I wish I could get back the money he spent on the prostitutes. In the last few months before I found out, he had been paying about $2,000 per month on them. Conservatively, over the 10 years that I now know he was “active”, he probably spent a good 50 – 80K on his activities. Unfortunately, in my state, unless it is a current debt, you can’t usually get it back. Thus, if he was able to pay off the cards and withdraw the cash, the money is spent and therefore gone. I *might* be able to sway a judge, but it would cause enough rancor that I would lose a good, longish term settlement, that I don’t want to risk, and is worth more in the long run. Darn no-fault state.

    My hubby managed it because he made a high income, we lived comfortably, and he insisted on paying and managing all the bills. He would usually go to a grocery store, buy something small, and then pull out $100 in cash, so the debit card would say “Safeway” and not ATM withdrawal. Then he’d do that a few times over the course of a week when he had an “appointment” coming up. He also used the ATM (in several small amounts – for “travel purposes”), and toward the end, got sloppy and started using Western Union and whatnot to wire money directly to them.

    I could have fairly easily seen these sorts of things (well, the western union, anyway), but completely trusted him, had no reason to look, and we were living comfortably and able to pay off the debts we had.

    Definately will be keeping my spoon in the pot from now on. Will never trust my financial security to anyone else ever again.

    • You have a point on the suck ines that is “no-fault”. I Think it would e so much better if cheaters had to pay a financials penalty when it came time to settle.

      • I wish I’d done your hubby’s ol’ Safeway trick during my 6 months of limbo post DDay with my ex. Coulda had a little cushion! But, unfortunately for me I have morals (and was sadly still optimistic it was all gonna work out) so I didn’t do it.

    • Dawn: It’s 1 1/2 years since you made this post, but I had to reply because it resonated so much with me. My D-Day was 2 months ago, but I only recently found bank statements for the past a 6 years…they were all unopened in a file cabinet in our office! They were under my nose the entire time. There were many, many, many Western Unions, Paypals and cash withdrawls like you described (pinned purchases from Walmart, Kroger, Lowes, etc.), as well as multiple ATM stops (several in a day for $100 a pop). He also wrote a lot of checks for cash ($500). On top of that there were tons of Vesta payments every month, which I suspect is for burn phones. Like you, I never had a reason to look b/c we were living fairly comfortably. Craziness!

  • You’ll see a lot of financial abuse discussion on the PD suppoort sites. My XW had 50 bikinis, hundreds of pairs of shoes, 35 pairs of boots etc.
    The need for material stuff, like all the shoes etc. is a big red flag for NPD or BPD.

    • huh… interesting. my stbx always needed stuff… guitars and amps, etc.. Then he developed his watch habit. And if I don’t hear the word “BMW” again it will be too soon! OMG he was always on their website. Too bad the divorce has set him back significantly on that goal 😉 I set up these separate little accounts for us just so he could save up for these things and he wouldn’t be complain that he wasn’t allowed to get anything and I couldn’t get annoyed at him spending big money on these things if he’d saved it up. I mean he always acted like he was getting the shaft because he couldn’t just buy anything he wanted whenever he wanted.

      I always attributed it to the fact that he grew up poor. And maybe that these “toys” were just something guys like/need since women tend to spend more on clothes and hair and things like that. I don’t know. I didn’t understand it, I know that.

    • Arnold, my ex had three motorcycles, three cars, three houses (one he supposedly was trying to sell), three kayaks, umpteen guns and bows, fishing poles, etc. He was a total Cluster B. Or Cluster BMW…

      • Void filing, i would guess. Problem is that they are such bottomless pits, it never ends and they will suck you dry. I was working three jobs to keep up. My XW became enraged when I almost lost a 4th I had taken. No time to sleep. probably damaged my heart(lack of sleep is the number one cause of heart attacks).

  • CL,

    You should advise spouses who find out that their partner is cheating to NOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT AWAY. The urge is often to immediately confront the suspect/guilty party. Bad move! Take your time. Your best chance to learn what’s going on is when the other party is not looking over his/her shoulder. Get the facts. And also ask yourself: What do I want from this? This other person, whom you may feel is screwing you over (and who is), may also, in fact, BE YOUR TICKET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Strange as it sounds, that person could be doing you a favor. So, if a person finds out about the cheating, I’d advise not doing anything right away. Do some research/do some thinking.

    This might best come under a separate lists of dos and don’ts for those in crisis. Maybe we could come up with one, all of us? The trick, if you get hit hard with a horrible revelation, is to get your evidence and line up your ducks. Don’t let the other party get suspicious and start hiding stuff. My take anyway.

    • I would rephrase it, David. Not as “don’t do anything” but DO act immediately! Just don’t clue the cheater into what you are doing. See that lawyer, line up those ducks, gather your evidence and financial info.

      Problem is people stay in the “research” stage too long, in limbo. They need like 15 DDays to convince them that oh, okay, maybe it’s time to go.

      No, go. Just don’t confront until you’ve gathered evidence and hid it somewhere safe.

    • too bad I read a disgusting text as I was sitting down with my family to dinner and couldn’t contain myself. It’s a little difficult to hold back when consumed with rage. I did have a moment or two of disbelief where I almost stepped outside of myself and looked at the facade of my marriage/family. Then I raged. I’m actually amazed I kept it together for that moment or two. I think that felt worse than rage which is why I started yelling.

    • David, you’re right. I was so shocked and angry when I found the first damning texts (which led to the rest) that I woke him up and immediately confronted, then kicked him out a couple of days later. I believed him when he said he’d always take care of me, he was so sorry, blah blah blah. One year later and he threatens me financially on a daily basis. It’s apparently my fault we’re nearing financial ruin due to his dick issues.

      I wish I had sat back, siphoned off a bunch of cash and gotten my ducks in a row.

      • I’ve been reading all these posts on Financial infeddelity and I am going to be late for work but I just have to say something. I know I am blessed I am a proffesional, make a decent salary and love my job although until my husband announced his desire to marry his facebookfuck I was ready to collect SSI and cut back my hours (so I could spend more time with him go figure). When we divorce our house is only a bargaining chip. I know he wants it and it is too big for me and I only want a few pieces that belonged to my family and all my pots and pans. I would rather sleep on the floor than take anything else. Too much baggage. They are only things. I spent yesterday photcoping all our financial records and storing them in my work locker. (Get your info and store it off site) Well got to get off to work.

      • When they say they “will always take care of you”, you know you are in trouble.

        My STBX said that to one older male psychologist and he literally pushed his glasses down on his nose to take a better clearer look at my STBX.

        I think it is common for a cheater to mislead the spouse into thinking they will offer a fair divorce settlement. Don’t believe it. They are trying to lull us into a stupor.

        • ha! I laughed out loud when I read “When they say they “will always take care of you”, you know you are in trouble”…

          my husband will say “he will always take care of me” literally moments from nickel and diming me and trying to negotiate less spousal support or whatnot. Er, why would I believe you’ll “always take care of me” when you don’t even want to take care of me now?? (also, since he’s already signed our current agreement, how stupid would I have to be to take less at this point?)

          I don’t even need or want him to “take care of me”. I want him to fulfill his legally binding financial obligations to me. He can “take care” of someone else. Lucky her.

          • Erica:

            I agree.

            I only want what is legally mine regarding the businesses I financed 50/50 and worked my butt off to build into something profitable.

            To be fair my STBX worked his butt off too.

            Still, I didn’t spend any of my money on a worthless “ho.

            Oh well, no sense getting all worked up about nothing

  • Clarification: When I said, “the other person who is screwing you over” I meant the OW or the OM. Of course, your partner is, too. But this other person may be your ticket out. Anyway, this is what I’ve seen.

  • Ah, bill payer was actually my job. I controlled all the household finances. We had joint accounts, but we each had our own small “fun” account to buy ourselves stuff from. He did use the account to buy xmas gifts for me one year and he actually made me feel guilty about how he spent so much on me (ah, the xmas spirit!) that I decided to transfer him some money from the joint account to cover it when I saw that he’d been pocketing some extra money from work in there. Some refund checks from a lab or something… around $600 a pop, and there were at least 4 or 5 over multiple months. This was I think the year before he cheated on me. I probably should have known after this that something else bigger would come up… guess betrayal is a slippery slope.

    However, I’m pretty sure STBX didn’t buy his OW shit. Maybe some lunches and I did find a receipt for a Peyton Manning jersey. lame. Anyway, luckily for me he was too selfish with his/our money to spoil her.

    When the separation happened he pulled financial shit on me again. Like, I might do the household money, but he controls the source: the money in the business. And right at that time my access to his work account disappeared. Just a standard change, though of course. He doesn’t even have the password 😉 All I know is after we split stuff up I knew what cash he ended up with. And I knew what sofa and furniture, etc. he bought for his apartment. (ah, that was an annoying time – he anted my help with picking crap out for his new apartment!) Anyway, I know that after that he had little liquid cash left. But the first time I visited his apartment to drop off the kids he had all this extra stuff – fucking huge set of Wusthof knives, All-Clad pans, a new fancy camera, etc. That he left out… dumb-ass. Well I might have snooped to find the pans 🙂 Stuff he would not have had the money for unless he got it from work. What a dick. I had wondered why he didn’t show any interest in sitting down and dividing up our stuff – guess that was why. And of course he couldn’t settle for anything mid-range. His shit was better than our shit. I didn’t really do anything about it other than use it to further reassure myself that I was doing the right thing. It was a $4000 lesson I guess.

    • AE,

      What a jerkwad. I also went through that weird phase of watching my cheating ex outfit her new place during our separation. Since we were still married, I got to see all the charges show up on our American Express. Like, say, a new bed for her to share with her AP? That was a fun check to write.

      Very strange to think, “She cheated and lied and ruined everything and her consequence is . . . a new place to live and thousands of dollars of prizes and parting gifts? That’s some effed-up “Cheaters’ Price Is Right” sh*t. T he rule should be: The One Who Boinks Trolls They Find On the Internet Gets the Saggy Sofa.

      But she has shitty, trendy taste and bought mostly particle-board crap from IKEA, so I figure since it’s been about three years since the divorce most of that stuff is falling apart by now.

      • Same here, nomar. He was happy to let me take the saggy couch that was originally his; he happily plunked down 4K to buy himself a new one. I was also told that none of his family’s antique furniture was going with me, even though his mother said that I was welcome to take anything (since she had given it to us). So, he got to keep (and purchase) the fancy furniture, and I got to cobble together some of the stuff he didn’t care about, to buy a few inexpensive things, and to accept hand-me-downs from relatives.

        However… I got my own little cozy home that I wouldn’t trade for the world, and the older furniture makes it look charming, I think. He lives in the empty, cold museum that was our marital home, so he can keep all the fancy stuff. I traded away the fancy for warmth and happiness.

        • Congrats, MO. Sounds like you traded up! Me, too.

          Eff the old stuff, I say. In CL’s lingo, it had “Cheater Cooties” anyway.

          • And (since my ex almost certainly boinked more than one OM at my home) “Cheater Cooties” in this context means several strains of drug-resistent STDs.

      • your ex sounds lovely as well. Guess that goes without saying on this site, eh? I had a coffee table from IKEA back in the day where one of the legs literally snapped when I pushed it to move it, so you’re probably right.

        I also love playing storage unit, and yes, I should just put that weight bench on craigslist. They get new crap and leave us to sort through all the old crap. Even if we do trash it, sell it, etc., it is still somehow OUR problem.

  • CL,

    You are right regarding my comment. I didn’t mean “don’t do anything.” I should have said, “Don’t tip your hand until you have thought it out, lined up your ducks, talked to folks, and done some research.” I had not anticipated the stage you describe, that of getting stuck researching. I see your point. The time limits you set certainly make sense.

    Thanks, CL, for straightening out my advice!

  • I recently learned a metaphor for abusive, dramatic, narcissistic types who throw fits. Think of them, a young friend of mine said, as like a “Jack in the Box” that can just jump out at any time. I think the toy metaphor is a good one as folks move from rage and resentment (healthy reactions) to the ultimate miniaturization of these crummy types of people.

    A general comment, not specific to this thread, but it makes sense. At least it did to me.

    • Good topic, CL!

      Like others here, mine suggested separate accounts. He made a lot of money–much more than I did. We each paid a portion of the bills. His income paid for the fancy restaurants, travel, etc… He talked a good game about how much he was saving for retirement, invested, paid off credit card balances monthly, etc..

      When he walked out, he left a pile of unopened credit card and bank statements. I didn’t even consider opening them because he’d be furious when he found out. I though of him as the most ethical person I knew so I knew it would upset him. Ha! My therapist insisted I go home, open then and make copies. That’s when I found out what he was doing. The money he spent on his Russian “mistresses” via Western Union was sickening. ATM withdraws at gambling casinos, $500+ on dinners in Hong Kong and San Francisco, thousands of dollars in cash advances and fees, $150,000 in a “business” loan. (He is a consultant and his business is him and his brain. It does not require financial capital.) He inherited and blew over 1/4 million from an uncle who had scrimped, saved and lived frugally all his life. When I confronted him with what I had found out, he claimed he was only using his pension he earned before we were married. Hmmm, right. As if he kept accurate records of how much he spent on whores and carefully deducted if from those monies. What a fucking liar. How did he live with himself? What did he think when I’d say how much I appreciated how smart he was about money? When I’d say how much I admired his sense of fairness? When I’d hug him good bye as he left on “business trips” and playfully told him to be “be good.” How do they live with themselves!

  • Oh, my God, I am saving SO MUCH MONEY ON SPACKLE!

    My ex felt entitled to spend THOUSANDS of dollars a month on a “vacation” home. Vacation in the sense that I spent all my time weeding, pruning, sweeping, cleaning, killing spiders and mice, cleaning up after mice, and watching helplessly as we flushed money down the drain on a crappy cold house I hated in a boring town. Unless I was driving there or back on my weekends off. Fun! “Vacation!”

    This same man would balk if I spent hundreds of dollars a year taking care of my dog or if I insisted we pay our fair share of the charter school dues.

    And I felt, you know, I’m not happy, the house we live in is pretty run-down, and it’s not in the best neighborhood, but we don’t have money for our house because the house he called, “my get-away place” needs so much work. Yes, “MY” get-away place–his own joy. But you know, gosh darn it, I reasoned, he worked full time and I only worked part time and I did get to take care of the kids and the house, and he is the man, so, I guess spending double on the “vacation” home what we spend on the house we live in is just going to have to be the priority.

    Aaaaaaaaand he felt entitled.

    I am so much better off now than I was then.

    Mr. Entitled kept his money in a separate account and referred to it as, “my money.” Now and then he would toss a few bucks my way and complain that I didn’t know what it was like to be poor, his mother and he knew what poor was like. I needed to try harder to live more poor.

    Fucker.

    When he left me he’d run up tens of thousands on his credit card, and I started getting notices from credit relief companies addressed to him at my house.

    He has a new car, now.

    Well. I think sometimes that the OW did take a loser off my hands, but I hate what they did to my kids. On the other hand, I guess I picked him….

    It’s just funny how I thought I could make it work, how I blamed myself for not being more agreeable. He just wasn’t that into me, and I didn’t see it.

    Now, I make as much money as he does, and I spend it the way I want to, and I have very good credit and I’m making good choices.

    CL, you’re helping me look at things differently now. I really appreciate it. All your posts are spot on.

  • Yep… I am DEFINITELY a chump in this whole realm of crap too. I have been a SAHM, babysat to bring some small extra amount of cash in for a little spending money, worked PT at a preschool while my daughter was in school.. All peanut jobs really…
    Husband had complete control of finances. I trusted that he would provide for our family to the best if his ability and protect us and be loyal to us always. Yet, I was not on any of “our” bank accounts (found he has more than one) or deed of the house. He paid all bills online, or had them mailed to his office… In the first couple years of our marriage, all bills and bank info were mailed to our house. Once his own business got off the ground, complete lockdown.
    I told him numerous times to put my name on the bank account. He always had some delay tactic (My dad is on the account so our credit limit is higher.. Yes, we will figure it out.) Never happened.
    Find out about affair. Put my expectations and standards on the table. Including complete financial transparency. And put me on the damn bank account. He said he did not want that kind of relationship. He does not work that way. (Found out after that he and an old girlfriend had joint bank account together. But me his WIFE? No way.)
    During this time he said his business was dying and told me there was no money. My PT job had ended over the summer and had no money coming in.. He generously provided me with $100 weekly for my daughter and I. He also clamped down credit card limit after I put $1000 on the card because I was bludgeoned by his damn affair. He made minimal payments so I had only a couple hundred to spend each month. After I told him I have had enough and it was time I moved on, he said he thought it was best we go with one lawyer (mediation) because he really wanted me to get the money, otherwise he said it would come out of my settlement. He said not to worry because during divorce because he would have to put everything on the table. I told him to fuck off. He kept me in the dark about EVERYTHING and he thinks I am going to trust him NOW???? I said get your own damn lawyer, I am getting mine.
    During false R, I asked about 2011 tax returns.. Said he was on tax extension and not to worry, i will sign them when they are completed. Nope. After I left, That bastard filed our joint return months before without my knowledge, consent, or approval!! He made incredible money too!!!
    Going through divorce now.. Because of such severe income disparity: He is responsible for paying attorney fees ($5000 thus far), forensic acct (($3000) and during proceedings SS and CS..
    He wants to settle..
    Forensic accountant is starting to dig. Personal accounts, business accounts, financial records.. Not sure what is out there yet, but I want to know where this money is.. Oh and his business dying? Hardly… He is doing very well AND just acquired another business. Piece of shit.

    • Piece of shit is right. Thank GOD for clarity! You will be so much better off when you are not in an abusive “relationship.”

      • Hi Stephanie, Yes!! Thank God for the gift of clarity is right–as well as kickass family and friends to help me move on from that narcissistic pig.
        Since I was a SAHM, I am going back to school in the Fall to secure a good paying job when I am done. I am intimidated about supporting myself, being the lone homeowner down the road, and figuring this all out. I guess new beginnings are about stretching yourself beyond your comfort zone. I look forward to the day that I can look back on all this and be proud of my strength and accomplishments regarding pushing forward despite fears and challenges.. Taking it one day at a time. From chump to champ!! 🙂

  • A couple months after my D-day, I got my husband’s credit report. There was $45,000 of debt on it that had been hidden from me and it was all spent on him. He convinced me since he had a degree in finance he should handle all the finances. I completely trusted him. He made good money. I had a part time job so I could be home with the kids when they came home after school. I should have questioned it when he kept running out of money every month. I thought it was weird, but chumpy me just blamed the cost everything. He is also one that has bought a ton of stuff during our 20 year marriage. First it was rollerblading hockey gear, then it was thousands on model airplanes, then tons on golf and gold gear and finally tens of thousands on scuba diving. I’m a minimalist so I didn’t understand this at all. I think they are trying to fill the endless hole in their soul.

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