The Health Costs of Staying?

So, at the risk of having a fun Friday challenge that sounds like a weekly phone call home to my aging mother, tell me about your health ailments!

One common refrain at Chump Nation has been the health costs associated with staying in a toxic relationship. The strange rashes, the sciatica, the teeth grinding — which miraculously cure themselves when you throw the cheater out of your life.

Stress is a killer, they say. So what’s the cost to our health staying with  cheaters? Can you die of malnutrition if you eat too many shit sandwiches?

Now, I’m not saying you can blame all your health problems on your cheater, but I am curious about what plagued you before you left, and if and how your health improved after you gained that new life. Of course, one benefit to leaving cheaters is it gives us much more room in our life for self-care.

I had all sorts of weird stress illnesses after D-Day, and especially in the months where I was plotting my escape, faking reconciliation as I lined up my ducks. My hair was dry and brittle, I broke out in hives, for the only time in my life, I ground my teeth when I slept… And sleep? I had nightmares, hyper vigilance, a racing heart…

All of which disappeared when I left.

So what happened to you? Muffin-tops gained? Muffin-tops lost? Any health benefits to report from leaving cheaters? Remember, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger — but first it gives us splotchy skin and thinning hair.

TGIF, CN!

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theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
6 years ago

I used to grind my teeth thought my marriage. I also gained weight and had a bad back. But, worst of all, I developed panic attacks and a telling recurrent dream about finding a long-lost miscarried baby only to be ignored by my husband. I now describe these things as the faint tones of a phone ringing insistently through a deep sleep: you know they’re there, but they don’t wake you up. Took myself to shrinks and doctors. Nothing. After D-Day and some major PTSD, all symptoms cleared up: I lost all the gained weight, stopped grinding my teeth, my back straightened out itself. And the panic attacks? Poof! Gone.

I'veBeenJillted
I'veBeenJillted
6 years ago

I have rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and Sjogren’s Syndrome. After DDay and while we were in wreckonciliation, he made like we were short on funds and told me not to spend money. I forewent meds to treat my conditions while he continued to wine and dine his AP. Few months later I was diagnosed with 3 broken bones in my left foot, and spent 6 months in a boot cast because I was slow to heal. During that time he didn’t help in any way with caring for our 3 greyhounds, including daily walks when I should’ve been off my feet. Not even when I came down with type A flu and was shuffling in a cast on rainy days. Nope. My health has continued to decline since DDay and I pray I get out of this soon.

ChumpChops
ChumpChops
6 years ago

Oh my, FMS, same here. I’ve lost 15 kg, asthma has become intermittent/almost non-existent, panic attacks ended, chronic back and shoulder pain gone, I sleep all night, no more eggshells to walk on, no more hypervigilance, some space to breathe and be and live without fear of carping criticism and nasty vindictive jibes. I didn’t realise how depleted and exhausted and broken I was. My husband didn’t cheat with other women but was increasingly emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive to the point I was afraid of him. All while pretending in public to be devoted pater familias, a task I aided him with by awesome spackling skills. Even though I’m still working through the heartbreak at the loss of my marriage (or my imaginary marriage anyway), the anger and sadness and coming to terms with the fact that all I wanted to believe our marriage was, at least for the last 15 years, was fake. That he was actually not the wonderful young man I married 25 years ago, but a mean and vengeful middle-aged man who never forgave me for refusing to get rid of our fifth child. Who acted out his anger and resentment in a thousand cruel, vindictive and mean ways that I just didn’t see for what they were – illustrations of his nasty attitude and downright dislike of me and his desire for me to be out of his life without him having to leave and be seen as the bad guy. He cheated on me by crowding me out of our home and filling it to the point of hoarding with antiques and bric-a-brac and curios he collected. I should have listened to the things he said in anger so often in the last several years and believed them because they were his real feelings that correlated with his actions towards me. After a devastating realisation of the horrible dynamic in our marriage and the whole fakeness of it all I couldn’t go on living the lie and enabling his abusiveness. I took a 2 month window of his absence (on long service leave. In Paris. With our daughter but without me. Enough said.) to pack up and leave. I had so little space in the house that you couldn’t even tell I had gone. I’ve gone minimal to no contact since. Just bare essentials related to financial settlement and custody arrangements for our youngest son – now 15. I’m 7.5 months post-separation, and about a year post-discovery of the depth of his betrayal of the vows we made and depth of his abusiveness. Umm yeah, sorry about the rant … might be time for another counselling session!

Giddy Eagke
Giddy Eagke
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChops

I applaud you for seeing the abuse even though there was no affair. (Ok, the cynical part of me what’s to say no affairmthat you know of.)

Anyway, it would be easy to think you don’t belong here, but you do. Kudos to you for seeing the parallels and leverage the collective knowledge of CN.

ChumpChops
ChumpChops
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagke

Thanks GE. Some of you ladies have been or are going through a hell that makes my baggage look pretty tame. CN is such a terrific source of affirmation and support. Trust that they suck an excellent mantra.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChops

I am same. No evidence of an affair, no d-day. That’s why I’m called Differently Chumped.
However, he has been unfaithful and abusive. He witholds sex from me and is unfaithful financially and lies about so many things. So many lies in our marraige.
I have no concrete evidence of an affair. I have not had a D day, so I thought I didn’t belong here.
But the mindfuck is still the same. The experiences I read on here are so similar. I need this support. This website has opened my eyes to the abuse and given me strength to start doing what I need to do to survive, recover, and get healthy.
I’m still a chump even though things are different. And who knows, maybe they aren’t that different and I just don’t know about an affair yet.
Anyway, I am here. Thank you for accepting me. And if you don’t like it? well, suck it! I’m not leaving. (See? I am getting stronger already!) 🙂

FMT
FMT
6 years ago

” I now describe these things as the faint tones of a phone ringing insistently through a deep sleep: you know they’re there, but they don’t wake you up.”

This is beautifully put and spot on. I can so relate!

Cliffs_of_Insanity
Cliffs_of_Insanity
6 years ago

Let’s see: PVCs (aka heart palps), unexplained extreme weight loss aka the infidelity diet, depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, ptsd, sun allergy, suicidal ideation and attempt, for which I was hospitalized, and which ex-asshole described as my “trip to the spa” haha lol Not ???? Like a remora on a shark, he was literally sucking the life out of me. Freeloading vermin…

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
6 years ago

100% they suck the life out of you.

I had suicide ideation too. Frequent panic attacks. This was BEFORE D-Day when he was gaslighting me like crazy.

Two years post D-Day, I do still have some anxious symptoms. But they are markedly reduced. Whereas with him I would have an anxiety break-down every 2 weeks, now I might get one every 3-4 months.

No one is sucking my soul out of me, that’s why.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago

Like a remora on a shark, he was literally sucking the life out of me.

OMG! I just laugh snorted in the middle of my office!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago

I believe I would be dead if I were still with DOCTOR Narkles. Literally. Last fall & out of nowhere, I had sudden onset of grand mal seizures. I went into respiratory arrest, too. Thank God I was visiting family back east when it happened. An ambulance was called and I was tested and admitted for several days. I am now on a new strong medication I’ve finally become accustomed to. But it is a weird medication with side effects.

My MD husband did not fly out or show up to retrieve me until after I was discharged from the hospital. Then, he became irritable, critical and downright cruel to me. This was the first/only time in our 35 year marriage that I ever truly needed him.

If I had those seizures with just my husband around then, that would have meant no one around as he always had more important WORK to do. So I’d be, at best, brain damaged. Somehow even in my fog, my reptilian survival mode was on. And as embarrassing as it is to admit, I told my son that if I died suddenly, to check for medications that don’t turn up in routine autopsies.

How nice it must have been for our son to hear my fear. UGH.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago

I’m a doctor and so is The Sprout. However, whereas I was always there to support him through his (minor but totally catastrophised) illnesses, this was never reciprocated for either mine or, even worse, my children’s genuinely serious health issues. I had a Melanoma 11 years ago (less than a year after our sick daughter was born, probably due to immunosuppressants) – he came to 1 appointment about that after I had had had a wider excision but only because I insisted – I thought it might be important if I was going to snuff it with 2 young children (touch wood all remained good). I have inflammatory bowel disease and have to have regular colonoscopies – I had to get friends to take me to the last 3, including the last in a city 2 hours away. I had put off other procedures as I was too embarrassed to ask for these – although now he has gone done these with friends/other family. Both my children have multiple medical issues. My younger daughter was premature and has a genetic disorder, and has had medical and educational issues all of her life. My elder daughter also has a genetic disorder and has had mental health issues. He has attended less than 5% of appointments, and even fewer of school meetings (of which there are many) even very important ones – and only after multiple reminders for each of these. His own work was always more important (mine is important to me too, but not more than my family’s health). I had a saying “when the chips are down, he’ll be nowhere to be seen”. This all grated so much more as he was such a hypochondriac himself and so preoccupied by the smallest of illnesses in himself. Since he left my inflammatory bowel disease has been remarkably good, despite all the stress. I have been anxious but this is getting better and I know will continue to do so as time goes by. Narcs are a health hazard, for sure.

Carmel
Carmel
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Outofsparkles, I just wanted to let you know you can cure yourself of ibd. I did so with Crohn’s disease and have never been healthier. No symptoms, no drugs. Look into GAPS, or SCD or even as simple as Paleo. Whichever lifestyle you choose, it is simply a matter of removing the allergens from your diet and rebuilding your immune system (gut health). For me it was SCD, which is no gluten, grains, lactose or refined sugar. It was very hard (and I don’t follow it 100%) but my health is worth it. Also, minimise the number of colonoscopies you have because they are a major cause of bowel rupture (this happened to me).

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  Carmel

Hi Carmel, I have done strict diets before including equivalent of SCD – and they have worked very well. I have just fallen off the bandwagon. I actually am under the care of an amazing gastroenterologist in Sydney who has pioneered faecal transplants. I was supposed to start in a trial of his taking high doses of specially freeze dried extracted gut bacteria but my break up has put a stop to this for the time being as I would have to travel down weekly and just don’t have time at the moment with work/kids. Having said that, the special antibiotic regimen he prescribed worked very well and I am now on high dose probiotics and doing well. I have just sold house/moved to rental which was an enormous job (from large horse property to smallish house in estate) and my plan was to get back to better eating again, although haven’t got to it yet! Thanks for your message – it has made me remember to focus on this. It is hard, but worth feeling well. My IBD has flared up a bit in the last couple of weeks and I’m so tired – just to help that would be worth it. Great to hear that this has helped you 🙂

chumpsterlinzz
chumpsterlinzz
6 years ago

Hugs to you. Hope he rots in he**

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
6 years ago

Omg Drs1st! What a fucking waste he is! Not even human. Sweet Jesus I’m so glad you’re ok (I know on you said on meds w side effects, but you’re HERE with us still) and I’m still stunned at the cold-blooded way your fuckass MDhusband responded. I don’t know why I’m still stunned or surprised, but I am. And, how terrifying for you AND your son to have tell him son to make sure things checked out if you died!? That made my stomach feel sick and do a flip flop. He will rot in the very hottest ring of hell!????

May you continue to heal and live better than ever! ????

Perfectlife
Perfectlife
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpedupChik

My Dday was April 14th. My husband of 24 years has had a secret identity for more than two years (I suspect this is the worse it’s been, but it’s not a new thing). He, a church elder, part-time law enforcement officer, and high level big wig at our local aircraft engine overhaul facility, has been cheating with dozens and dozens of prostitutes, desperate Craigslist “ladies”, and crazy “bongage” weirdos! It has taken me 4 months to even be able to go a day without totally breaking down. On top of it our youngest child just graduated, so there’s the empty nest and I had a partial hysterectomy last Monday that was 3 years overdue. I hate my life. I now understand what he had been doing to me. The gaslighting, the deception! He made me think I was a terrible person. I was crazy, emotional, paranoid, controlling, and a big old ugly boring hag. He took a women who was outgoing, confident, fun and joyful and within a few years completely destroyed all confidence to the point I had planned to kill myself for more than three years because I was so unhappy and felt my kids were better off without me and he hated me and would never try to be good to me. Last September, he ran around on me with a woman from Craigslist who was in my summer college class and simultaneously another older woman who was a weird BDSM bisexual! He repeatedly asked this woman from Craigslist to meet him before my bio class! And, he asked her several times, “so how’s your bio class?” He knew she gave me vegetables from her garden and talked to me and our daughter while we canned salsa together! He tried to solicit a prostitute on his way to a college football game to see with our girls- a birthday present from me! He is the sickest most evil person I have ever known and I feel ill to my soul for having been married to him! I too, thought he was “making me sick”. I was so sure he was poisoning me that his sister gave me the $600 to get my hair tested at this lab out of state. I drove 6 hours to do this without telling anyone. It came back negative- but I still have the last cup of coffee he ever poured me in a metal thermos that I am going to have tested by a lab in California when I can afford it. Maybe HE was the poison- I don’t know – but since he left all my physical symptoms are gone!! Feverish every day, headache, body ache, joint pain, overwhelming feeling of dread, shortness of breath, to name a few. The paranoia is almost gone. The depression and anxiety are still present, but I now longer think of killing my self. I started praying everyday back in September and I really began to hear God tell me over and over, “wake up” “wake UP!” I started seeing my husband – really seeing him for the first time. It was scary, but I think God was telling me I was in danger and was trying to save me.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpedupChik

Was the seizure caused from stres? I wonder if you’ll be able to get off medication as you heal & move further away from D-day & him!
I’m so glad you’re on the road to recovery & regaining your life!

Ms Sherlock
Ms Sherlock
6 years ago

Sounds so familiar – I was also driven to the point of suicide. I now realise that my STBX was doing everything he could to push me to ‘unreasonable behaviour’ (I found his notes!!) so he could maintain his ‘good guy’ persona. Hired a private detective to get the evidence of his affair and filed for divorce – best decision I ever made!

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
6 years ago
Reply to  Ms Sherlock

What a fucking nightmare for you guys! I had my own health shit, but wasn’t driven to think or believe ending my life would be better. I’m sorry that those motherfucking assholes led you there – but am thankful your mighty kicked in and you didn’t follow through. Big hugs to you! It might not seem or feel mighty to you, but it IS! Bringing yourself back from the brink of possibly jumping, to where thos fuckwits were clearly pushing you to…….. is very damn fucking mighty. ????????

Iseeme
Iseeme
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpedupChik

Body dysmorphia… severe body dysmorphia. Don’t even know the reality of what I look like. People say they’d pay to look like me and I see a blob.

JC
JC
6 years ago
Reply to  Iseeme

I too have pretty bad dysmorphia. I feel fat with sagging jowls. I assume (but have not looked) that OW looks younger and has a tighter face b/c fb friends have said she has “had a botched facelift” Though that privately delights me, I assume my husband thinks she is hot.

When my friends compliment me, I cannot tell if they are just consoling me or if it’s true. I think I was once beautiful, but my bastard husband once told me that “face down, (I was) letting myself go”.

I guess I should have said “face UP, you are.”

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  Iseeme

Iseeme, this makes my heart ache. Please tell me you’re not still with your cheater! It is amazing how the inner eye can reset through the gifts of NC. Hugs to you.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

When he was in graduate school, we had 3 young kids and I worked nights. If you had asked me then, I would have told you that our marriage was fine, but I was always very cold, I had zero libido and had other signs of hypothyroid….

at the time he said hollow words of devotion, but Im now sure that he was dppe into an affair or two and my body was screaming at me in ways my mind was not prepared to hear.

During the worst of his abuse (I almost wrote”shenanigans” but that is way too nice of a word) I weighed 113 pounds, my hair was falling out and I had hives. I was ready to end it with his next phone call and when he called that very time, he said “Im coming home”.

Since my new marriage 2 years ago, Ive gained some happyfat and I look younger than I did 12 years ago during the worst of his mess.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I like the term “happy fat”!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

My guy cooks for me all the time (he also does the food shopping, a task I hate). Only trouble is that he likes me skinny…sometimes I have to remind him that excessively feeding me will eventually result in an over abundance of happy fat. As of now its at a reasonable equilibrium.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Happy fat? Interesting you say that. I’m already a naturally hefty girl, and since Ben and I got together last year, that has become a touch more pronounced – I’ve had coworkers say something similar to me: something to the tune of “Vulcan, that boy of yours is treating you right – I can see it in your hips!”

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

I picked right up on “happy fat” as well. Have been unhappy about gaining a few pounds recently, but you just changed my whole perspective, Unicornnomore. It truly IS happy fat!!!!!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I am sure that the loss of libido was a result of the abuse, not the other way around. Panic attacks…I didnt have them often but I did when cheater and I would take the kids on trips, he was SO HORRIBLE on trips, hairpin trigger rage …I was terrified the whole time.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Loss of libido. Yup. At some point I could not stand the way he smelled. Repulsive. Didn’t matter how much he showered.

I think there’s some science behind that-changes in body chemistry due to multiple partners.

Chumpy McChumpFace
Chumpy McChumpFace
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

This is fascinating about the smell. Here, too! Body order and breath. @MyRedSandles – I could’ve written your post. There were times I couldn’t stand to be within two feet of him. I always put it down to the meds he was on. But this is making a lot more sense to me.

Wow.

No matter. Just another layer of the onion.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

OMG, thank you for bringing this up! When I first met my XH (together 40 years) in college, I couldn’t get enough of his smell; I remember burying my nose in his neck just to inhale his scent.

I thought I was just imagining it when how he smelled gradually changed over the years; eventually, I couldn’t get near his privates because the odd smell literally made me gag. He showered every single day, but it made no difference.

But the worst part was his breath: HORRIBLE, head-turning halitosis! He tried everything (gum, mouthwash, mints, dental visits), but nothing helped. Kissing him went from the sweetest pleasure I’ve known to downright nauseating. He would be within a foot of my face, and I would have to literally turn my head away. I honestly thought I was losing my mind because no one else seemed to be aware of his fetid body odor and bad breath. I kept thinking, “Am I the only one who is noticing this”?

Of course, this was long before I realized he was working his way through a long string of whores… I think with each successive affair, his body chemistry was, in fact, changing, and when combined with mine, it became a repulsive combination (at least to me).

He’s now engaged to marry Whore #14; when she began cheating on her own husband with mine, maybe her body chemistry begin changing, too, and now, they each think the other smells like heaven.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

The last time Hell’s Tour Guide tried to tongue wrestle with me I pushed him away because the stench coming from his mouth was unbearable. It was truly one of, if not the most putrid smell I’ve ever experienced. Maybe it’s nature’s way of letting us know that what’s inside had gone bad, like when milk gets sour and lumpy.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

NUMBER 14???!!!!

As is One-FOUR????

Holy crow….

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

From a show I saw recently: a woman discussing with her friend which guy she truly loves:
“I find it’s all about the neck smell.”

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yes!!! He started smelling rank. It was not the usual smell of his sweat at all. I thought it was drugs, but ur hypothesis makes sense
Even tho I was nursing a newborn, exhausted – I was unable to sleep. Total adrenal burnout. A week after birth I was skinny again. Hair fell out the whole year. Loss of appetite which I usually love food. I barely ate. Just drank lots of coffee and started smoking again! I feel terrible because I was nursing the whole time. But I was in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and depression. Wanted to kill my self the entire year. (Still am a bit suicidal, but I will carry on for my baby.). I only obsessed about him, cheating, narcissism, and psychopathy. I couldn’t focus on my beautiful baby! It’s all s blur. He stole that from me. Because I was living in fear the whole time. Fight or flight CPTSD. Adrenal burnout. Hyperthyroidism which felt like I was on cocaine. Severe memory loss. ADHD. I felt like a zombie. A dumb zombie. I didn’t shower or paint my nails or do my hair. I could only take care of my baby and cats. I had recurring facial rashes resembling lupus rash. Night terrors. Numbness in feet and hands. Started stuttering. Severe amnesia. Could barely write with a pen. Shaky and nervous all the time. Mastitis 3 times. He went off on me for that! We are acupuncturists and he refused to treat me! He’s also a masseuse (gross and fitting for a pervert). He refused to masssage me ever! I begged and nothing. In short, I had several autoimmune reactions all at once. I went from looking very young to wrinkly face and haggard. I weighed 95 lbs when I’m usually 115. He still said I was fat.
I lost my mind, he broke my spirit. The worst thing is I can hardly remember the joys of being a new mom! He refused to even take pics of us together. I’m heartbroken over this. Delivery day he took 3 pics of my baby boy on my breast. My face isn’t in the pic.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Now that I’m gone. I’m trying to heal. I’ve gained weight. That’s about it. This will take time.
I just wish I had that precious time back with my baby, without living in fear. ????

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Devastated, your story cuts straight to my heart. I had similar suicidal ideation. I won’t go into it here, but got treatment for postpartum depression. There is still pain, sorrow, and tears. But at least I am still alive for my kids.
Hugs to you, and learn as much as you can about PPD if you haven’t already.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

Devastated, I also had to mourn the idea of a family with him. But, it just wasn’t going to work. What he was doing was not acceptable to me. He didn’t deserve us.

And yes, it does hurt like a MF**ker knowing that the person you loved was not fully invested like you were. And that they actually went as far as to have a child with you, and maintain their secret sordid life. I mean, what kind of decent person does that?! Nobody decent, that’s who. He’s not a decent person. He’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve you or your beautiful son.

Trust me, HE is the one who has lost out here, not you. You have your son, and that’s the most important part in all this. Let the f**kwit have his bitches. He doesn’t get you anymore, or a lifetime with his son. Forget him. Work on yourself! Focus on YOU and your little boy.

And you struck a chord with me when you said “a monster in the body of a sexy gorgeous man”, because my cheater was also a very hot looking man who got the double-take look from every woman that passed by. Tall, gorgeous skin, hot body, big shoulders, the bedroom eyes, awesome hair, perfect nose and lips, you name it!! But after I found out about all the cheating, he quickly became less attractive to me. Looks don’t mean anything!!! If the heart is ugly, the person is ugly. No matter how sexy/hot/handsome they are. His good looks are all a decoy. It doesn’t mean anything in the overall scheme of things. Heart/kindness is everything. Looks? Meh! Doesn’t mean a thing to me now.

Fern
Fern
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Devastated, I hear you on the pictures. I have plenty of pictures of my two children when they were babies with him in the pic He spent just a few minutes with the babies on any given day but I would be taking pictures/spackling as much as I could. So we have lots of pictures with daddy but very few with me. It bothered me for a long time but now at, 18 and 21, the kids judge their father on their memories and not a few years of pictures.

I second what LHATA says…focus on your relationship with them now and take lots and lots of your awesome, cheaterless family.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  Fern

Thank u. Yes it’s painful the lack of pics. It’s as if by them not taking pics, we don’t exist! Their egos r so large there’s not enuf room for anything else. He never even took pics of our baby. Only took them of his evil cat.
What am I really missing? A monster in the body of a sexy gorgeous man. An incubus. That’s really what he is.
I thank the gods for this site. The support here is exceptional. The validation. It’s what we all need most.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  Fern

Fern – exactly the same here with the baby photos. He was hardly around, and during the times he did grace us with his presence, I would quickly grab the camera and take snaps of him with the kids, for the kids. But he would never take snaps of me with them. So I have heaps of photos of the kids with him when they were little, but hardly any of me with them.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Devastated, I am devastated for you ????

But…you know what? It’s never too late to pick up and work on building a strong bond with your child. I also feel I missed some of BOTH my kids’ baby years, because things just weren’t right at home with the asshole (before I knew about all the cheating).

I can relate to the photo thing, too. Now that he is gone, pick it up – work on building a strong relationship with your child. F**k the father, he obviously doesn’t give a shit about his child. And he didn’t give a shit about you, his child’s mother, a vital player in his child’s development. Focus on you and your child, don’t even give him a thought. It’s all about you and your child now. It’s the most important relationship you will ever have. Best wishes to you, stay strong! (((Hugs)))

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago

Thank u. I’m trying so hard. It helps reading everyone’s stories(nightmares)! It’s difficult getting over the idea of a family. The fact that he never took an interest in our baby boy. A boy everyone stops to say how beautiful. I wish he didn’t move me across the country to do this. I know he’s a psychopath/narc but still can’t get y he plotted this. He could fuck anyone he wants free n clear. But chose the double/triple life. Fucking pos monster.
I’m trying to enjoy my baby. He needs joy. I just miss those first months so bad.
At least he can’t hurt us anymore.
I hope I can b strong like u one day.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

LOL about the smell! I always figured it was because as he lost interest in me (relative to the OW) he made less of an effort with hygeine at home (this was true), plus, he started drinking more so there was that stale booze odor. So it’s interesting you guys noticed a bad smell even WITH the showering.

Other Kat
Other Kat
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

I have a friend whose BIL is a raging narcissist whom I suspect is also a cheater–she recently mentioned how bad he smells. Not only does his wife notice it (though she’s in complete denial about the possibility of cheating), but so does his SIL, who was recently divorced from her own serial cheating X.

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
6 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

This is really fascinating! It seems rampant and I agree that it should definitely be a red flag. There are too many of us who experienced it to conclude that it’s a fluke!

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

WOW! I thought I was the only one!

Not only was there a loss of libido plus vaginismus (the body knows), I couldn’t stand the way he SMELLED.

Prior to the cheating, I noticed that I no longer liked the smell of him; his clothes, shoes, no longer had any attraction for me.
When he started cheating in earnest, with a “serious” Schmoopie, he smelled–well, like an old GOAT. (I’ve had goats, so I know of which I speak!)

He was in his 60’s by then.

I think it was partly what they call “Flop Sweat”. The stress sweat of fear. My dad was a philanderer and it reminded me of the way he’d smelled. Also both were heavy drinkers/dare I say ALCOHOLICS.

I remember thinking there was something wrong with ME. I mean, what kind of wife was I that the smell of her husband repulsed her? But there it was.

As for older men losing testosterone and all, I’m sure there’s some truth to that.

But even more telling is that my new Beloved is also in his 60’s, yet I love his smell so much that I often wear his shirts and have been caught sniffing his clothes on occasion. (THE ARMPITS!!!)

He is extremely attractive to me, smells phenomenal, and I often feel like I’m more like my sensual 20-year-old self than I felt at 35 when married to GUBU.

I will leave it to the imagination how I know his testosterone levels are just fine. 😉

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago

OMG – does this ever hit home! The terrible, musty, stanky, moldy smell he was projecting – *his* bedroom stunk so bad and then he’d close the door when he left, magnifying it. It was a definite hurl-able issue, just walking in the door. I thought it might be the alcohol also, but it was a completely different smell. (I might even add, that I’d look over a see him strip his bed and wash the bedding – this was a guy who claimed he didn’t know how the w/d worked and never changed the sheets on OUR bed) And, the room still stunk.

Based on so many replies to Stench – I’d say that should be a huge red flag in your marriage! You know exactly what your spouse smells like – especially if you’re cleaning their skivvy underwear every week.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

YES! The smell! Mine’s breath smelled like acetone – It made me sick! And HE was the one developing multiple serious, health problems. Just weeks before Dday he had sepsis & would have died without medical care…which I stood by his smarmy side (AP came to our house and brought soup! What a catch!). I have had asthma & sciatica – I am convinced they were both symptoms of what my mind wouldn’t take in. Asthma is flaring more than ever due to seeing him, but clears up as soon as I go NC. No sciatica at all – and I could barely walk last fall. Just prior to Ddays 1 & 2 (yes, I’m a long-time Chump), I developed bursitis in my shoulder. Louise Hay’s book said a probable cause was wanting to hit someone! HA! No kidding. I was losing weight in a healthy way for the year prior to Dday and am SO glad I’m on that path – continuing to lose slowly and enjoying reclaiming a long-lost ME! There is hope and health on the other side of abuse & mindfuckery! Thanks, CL & CN!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Wow! Vile X had that horrid fetid smell as well — I spackled and thought it was the multiple viagra he suddenly (at 46) needed to maintain an erection (even that didn’t work).
nasty nasty nasty

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago

I’m beginning to wonder, after reading these posts if there is a chemical change in the betrayer’s odor specifically so we can “sniff it out” and move on to greener pastures. Biologically, infidelity puts our own safety and health at risk. While we were still nomadic, for the survival of our species, women and children need not only healthy living situations but also the security of a hunter returning to his domain. Perhaps It’s the smell that gives us subconscious cues about the cheating. Maybe it’s the smell that triggers our intuition?

Polytastic
Polytastic
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

You’re smelling the other person. It’s why so many poly/open couples have a rule about showering the second their partner comes home from a date.

JJ
JJ
6 years ago
Reply to  Polytastic

Funny I thought it was the change in hormones around pregnancy/breastfeeding, but you’re all describing exactly how I perceived XH smell in that year before Dday (when my daughter was only 6 months old). I’ve no proof but am confident he was hooked into his secretary back then. Sigh, so glad I’m four years and several oceans away from that shit show now.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

YES. He smelled. Even when I didn’t know anything was going on, he smelled. He’d finish taking a shower – twice a day, he would – and his towel smelled awful. A FRESH, CLEAN towel off of a fresh and clean body smelled rotten. It got to where I only allowed him a certain set of white towels because even washing it didn’t help and only the smell of bleach could even slightly overcome it. Totally repulsive.

This was a man who doesn’t even have stinky sweat. He could forget deodorant and be sweaty but not smell like armpits. Even old sneakers that you could squeeze sweat out of still smelled like that brand-new shoe smell.

But his body has this odor I couldn’t stand, concentrated enough in that towel that it would permeate the entire floor if you left the bathroom door open.

strongwoman
strongwoman
6 years ago

This triggered me. I totally blocked out the towel smell. Same exact thing happened – clean body, clean towel and he smelled awful. The bathroom smelled horrible as the towel hung to dry. I washed his towels daily – couldn’t stand that smell! The bed smelled as well. I washed the sheets weekly and sometimes 2-3 times a week. It was so disgusting. He said it was from the fish oil he was taking. I think it was just from him being a whore. So glad I’m done with him and all his lies.

Seeing the sun again
Seeing the sun again
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Wow! I thought I was the only one who smelled something off. I was literally sniffing him out the month before he disappeared with his soul mate. He always smelled good/normal until then and I had no idea why he smelled so musty. His breath, his body, his clothes. It was so gross. I remember him kissing me and almost throwing up his mouth tasted so bad, like death.

NOMORECOUCHSLUG
NOMORECOUCHSLUG
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yes, the smell! My STBX had the smell too. Right before I kicked him out it got so bad I could not stand to be in the same room with him! Since he has been out of the house (two months now) I have washed, cleaned, bleached, or just thrown away whatever his body came in contact with (well except Miss Piggy). His funky smell literally contaminated my house….Its nice to come home to a clean smelling house now.

chumpsterlinzz
chumpsterlinzz
6 years ago

Same here. Threw out the mattress. The smell is gone along with the cheater.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

I mentioned how one day after he moved out, I realized my house didn’t stink anymore. And yeah…he’s had a funky smell for YEARS that was off-putting. Wasn’t that way when we got together.

My now boyfriend, who was also cheated on, mentioned the same thing…that he couldn’t stand how she smelled after she cheated.

Very interesting.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

This is quite interesting from a biology perspective, especially since you say your boyfriend noticed it about his cheater XGF. I would assume (sorry, biologist here) it would have something to do with sex pheromones which are incredibly potent and would tend to be stronger in men, or perhaps just more noticeable. While walking through woods, I can almost smell a nearby moose during rut (mating season) before I see him. That’s the job of the pheromone, to draw the female in. So if these cheaters are actively courting their strange, then the pheromones would be potent AND not directed toward us, so that’s an interesting component, as well.
Great topic for a research paper…. And perhaps a reason to get a drug-sniffing dog (but for cheater hormones) if you suspect your partner is cheating on you!

carmel
carmel
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

thank you for bringing some science to this “smell” discussion. i noticed this, of course, but only now is it crystal clear. i couldn’t stand his smell and i felt repulsed by him. right before d day we were at a music festival and had “indulged” in a substance. things between us were really strained at that point but i remember watching the band on stage and he put his arm around me from behind like he had done thousands of times prior. i have never felt so repulsed in my life. i just wanted to RUN. it was such a terrible feeling and now i understand how intelligent our instincts are. it just takes our brains a while to catch up.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Omg!! A dog that can sniff it a cheating spouse. Brilliant. Too bad you can’t get a patent on the idea.

oneonefourone
oneonefourone
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Can’t say I noticed the smell change in my STBX, but HE started commenting about smells, which I had found very strange. He had always been the kind of guy not to notice things – I could make extra effort with make-up, perfume, lingerie and it didn’t really phase him. Suddenly we’re at dinner and he’s commenting on how the waitress smells amazing. He later (in the throws of his fucking around) commented on my smell when we went to bed one night because I had applied some unscented lotion (so I think vaguely plasticy smelling – won’t lie, I don’t do it because I think it smells good!) and he commented on it.

I found this interesting in thinking about pheromones as well. I’m not a biologist (ex is), but I remember reading eons ago about how going on the pill can change scents and pheromones and going off the pill then does as well. I went off the pill in November and he started commenting on scent in January (allegedly started sex with his side piece in March..). I do think it’s interesting stuff!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

She is his XW…not XGF. They divorced for the same reason.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I also think a lot of men lose their ambient body odor as they age and their testosterone levels drop naturally. So some of these guys are probably taking supplements, or, as I said above, just having a resurgence in that axis of their hormone system. Fascinating.

Khris
Khris
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Add me to the smell list and thanks for all who confirmed it. I couldn’t figure it out either. I kept changing the bedsheets every other day cause I thought that was the source. It wasn’t. I kept putting carpet cleaner down thinking that was it. It wasn’t! It was my ex but I didn’t realize it until she moved out.

Perfectlife
Perfectlife
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

I kept doing the carpet cleaning thing and I bought a ton of Sensty wax. Since he has left- none! The bad smell is completely gone. I would complain and he would say it was my cats and dog, but they are still here and he is gone. And, so is the smell!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Considering the degree to which I trusted him and never suspected serial cheating, you would think I would continue to deny it, but everything I consider now points out that the cheating was long term….

you guys describe changes in your cheaters when the altered behaviors but my cheater never seemed to change habits or smells…he was a lesser or greater asshole at times, but rarely saw abrupt change…thus reinforcing that for him cheating was a chronic habit, not a new thing late in the marriage

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Same here UNM. I never noticed a change in habits or scent either. I think that’s because the cheating was ongoing throughout our entire 30+ years.

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

same here. no change in habits or smell. However, I still paid a health cost due to unknowingly dancing the pick me dance. He was always finding something to criticize me about. I never ever measured up to his ideal of perfection. thus ended up with High blood pressure, always stressed and walking on eggshells. Then a life threatening emergency due to what I believe now is chronic stress. I now have a permanent health risk/issue. Looking back over the past 30 yrs I can now piece it all together. The put downs couched in humor, The trips and “helping” others. Funny how now that I discovered his serial cheating I can see through all his fakeness. Took me a long time. I have finally emotionally checked out. Next step; and its going to take the most courage, is to physically check out. I realize if I stay the stress of infidelity will end up killing me. I cannnot have high BP or stress. it is contraindicated to my condition. Thank You chump Lady and Chump nation for all the guidance and support. I will need it in the months to come.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

Same here. I am checked out emotionally but have yet to take the d-plunge. That could be a whole new post. Actually a whole new forum.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

“He was always finding something to criticize me about. I never ever measured up to his ideal of perfection…. always stressed and walking on eggshells. …. Looking back over the past 30 yrs I can now piece it all together. The put downs couched in humor, The trips and “helping” others. Funny how now that I discovered his serial cheating…”

Yes, yes, yes…this was my experience exactly. Very very critical….I could do a huge task that he would never even try (like replacing all the wood trim on the outside for the whole front of the house) and he would respond with a snarly “that isnt how I would have done it”….the insults couched in humor – oh dear God yes.

Me and newhub have been transferring over old video onto discs and thusfar I have not run across a single kind, sweet moment between H and I…he has “pretended” to hit me once and “joked” about throwing me over a wall on a mountain (that would surely have killed me, but nary a sweet word of love or nurturing.

I feel like the stupidest, chumpiest human alive…forever optimistic that the sweet thing I hope for is around the next corner which will make all the nastiness worth it. I got a tiny, unpredictable single kibble on occasion…there is a psychological name for it, but I forget…anyway, it got me.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

Same here. We were together for a quarter of a century. Un-friggin-believable.

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yes, yes, yes to the smell!!! Even his clothes and sheets had a weird smell to me. I knew he was clean and likely didn’t actually smell, but there was something repulsive about his smell to me – not always, but I am guessing it started about the same time as the cheating. So happy to hear others experienced this too!!

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
6 years ago
Reply to  Chump Mama

Strangely, I also remember that after DDay 1, during the brief amount of time I am sure he wasn’t cheating, he stopped smelling!! And at the time, I had this epiphany about the smell. I thought that maybe I was somehow smelling the OW all those years, and once the cheating stopped, so did the smell. Before DDay 2, the smell was back. Facepalm – how did I not connect the dots?? But I am very curious if we smell the other woman or if the gut is just trying to communicate something.

Polytastic
Polytastic
6 years ago
Reply to  Chump Mama

We smell the other women. It why lots of poly/open women have the “shower the first second when you come home” rule before the men can do anything else. Smell is the most overlooked sense when it comes to women and it’s vital in determining whether we are attracted to someone or not.

People often say that men are more visual, but women are extremely sensitive to sense of smell and its something men often don’t realize and cannot fake. If the sense of smell is off to you, you are not crazy, DO NOT IGNORE, he did something different. It could be innocent (ie went to the bakery and smells like cinnamon), but he broke routine. Do not be afraid to ask what that ‘different’ was.

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Oh my God! This happened to me, too. When I first met shithead ex, he smelled amazing. I’d never met anyone who smelled that great, actually. Then, right around the time things started feeling really “off,” I noticed this really weird funky smell. I figured it was because of all these vitamin supplements he was taking at the time. But that “good smell” never came back, and I couldn’t stand being close to him. Yes, repulsive is exactly the description.

I’ve never talked about this to anyone before, and I’m stunned that others have had the same experience. Wow!

Cleopatra
Cleopatra
6 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Me too! I couldn’t understand why he smelled so rotten! It was like when my dog rolls around on something dead but I guess it was him rolling around on the groundhog (my children’s nickname for the OW- every time they see her it’s 6 more weeks of shit sandwiches).

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Same here with the weird smell, I too thought it was the vitamin supplements he’d been taking, Something else I noticed is his skin seemed to be more greasy, ugh, I feel sick thinking about it.
I’ve wondered if his new girlfriend has found his odor repulsive, probably not, they’re still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. X needs to prove to everyone he’s never been happier which requires him being on his best behavior.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Same here with the weird smell, I too thought it was the vitamin supplements he’d been taking, Something else I noticed is his skin seemed to be more greasy, ugh, I feel sick thinking about it.
I’ve wondered if gf has found his odor as repulsive as I did.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
6 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Smell here, too. Wow. I wonder what that means. It permeated everything in the room.

So much better now
So much better now
6 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Mine too! He smelled horrible. So weird

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  FMT

OMG! Me too.

Could not figure out what the awful smell was.

It was cheater stink!

LOL

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Wow, I never thought of this. But now that you mention it, I actually do remember him smelling different and also feeling repulsed. It’s like his skin scent changed.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yes. Zero desire to have anything to do with him. His smell made me sick also.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

I suddenly have an urge to listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd.

brit
brit
6 years ago

Funny! ChutesandLadders.,
=)

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I had to look up the lyrics…hilarious Chutes. It would make a great phone ring!

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Thank you, people for mentioning the smell. During the cheating he smelled off to me, I was totally turned off from him. He continued with his side chick, and one day about 6 months after I found out we were on the couch trying to order party supplies for DS birthday party. I sat beside him with my stomach heaving, after about 1/2 hour, I realized that I was going to hurl everywhere. I jumped up from the couch and said, goodnight, I’m going to bed and stormed off. Our divorce was finalized early this this year and in the 5 years since, I have never allowed him close enough again.

PianoMom
PianoMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Kurleegirl

Wow! Yes! I remember also being repulsed by his smell. So interesting to hear that it was an issue for others here as well. Man, I never would’ve connected it with the body chemistry thing and cheating.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  PianoMom

Shechump-
I just re-read your comment and something new hit me. Your description of the motorhome smell (very vivid,BTW) is eerily similar to what my douchecanoe smells like.

I wouldn’t call it feral, but definitely yeasty. Close and humid (heavy air like in a darkness). And definitely foul, like something is brewing. Mold-ish? Towels, sheets, pillows, the back of the couch upon which he rests his armpit- I catch a whiff and immediately sit elsewhere.

I chalked it up to his overweight, his incredibly hairy body, his sweating buckets, and perhaps his showers are not thorough enough.

But now I wonder . . .

Perfectlife
Perfectlife
6 years ago
Reply to  PianoMom

Wow! The smell thing is strange! I didn’t like the way my husband smelled either! His breath and his face just smelled bad! It’s so weird that this is a “thing”!

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  PianoMom

Same with me. His smell repulses me. Is it a body chemistry thing or do we associate the smell with pain and mindfuckery?
Either way, if anyone can find resesrch on this, please share. Fascinating.

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago

DC – the more I think about this, the more I want to puke.
I *knew* he had been fucking her in my very-personal-motor-bus.
But, I couldn’t prove it at that time.
*Somebody* made the bed nicely with clean sheets, but it wasn’t any way I made them. Nor the X, who never washed sheets or made beds. (the top sheet had the wrong side ‘flap’ pulled over the blanket, and it was too tucked in – almost like over-the-top, too neatness ) . What interested me is how far they went to keep it all ‘secret’ from me.

When he started making me breakfast and I walked into the place (my m/h), I was overwhelmed with this smell. It was almost feral, now that I think of it. Earthy. Neanderthal. Ancient in mustiness. Foul, like an infection brewing – yeasty. Heavy in air like a dankness. Dark like sin. He served me some scrambled eggs with a huge smirky grin. Seemed he was proud of what he did in there for the past month. I took one bite – the stench was everywhere, puked a little in my mouth and gave the rest to the dogs after I seriously ran out of there in a horrible musty, smelling panic. He was still smirking. Asshole – we had lots of memories in that fuckin bus and it was HALF MINE – not hers! Stinking bitch.

betterlatethan
betterlatethan
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

YES! Thanks for posting that. The smell. What on earth? Showers didn’t make a difference. It permeated everything. Wow.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago

I feel more relaxed and I seem to have more energy even though I have more work around the house without Mr Cheating pants.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

During being the marriage police, trying to answer the question.. .”Is he cheating ” I lost weight, my arthritis got worse, developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome which I still have.
2 years of taking Xanax I finally caught him with whore.

Divorced his ass & threw him out! Even though I loved him for 35 years, I loved myself more. He’s now living with Whore. My health has improved but my heart ❤️ has to heal.

Better to be alone, lonely then being used, lied to, cheated on.

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

100% proud of you. I pick me danced for a few weeks, and wish I had of loved myself more than I did him. You’re mighty

27yrswasted
27yrswasted
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Amen to the better to be alone than being lied to, used and cheated on (don’t forget the disrespect…oh but wait….he doesnt know how to respect anyone (including himself).

I’m 4 months into the D-Day process and man is it ever a roller-coaster! Tired of all the BS and now I’m getting off this fucking ride. I’ve lost 62 lbs since I found out (due to a medical issue that’s being addressed but he doesnt give a flying fuck about). I’ve gained back my self esteem and my HAPPINESS!

I do believe that our hearts will heal in time (his wont cause obviously he doesn’t have one).

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I am so sorry! Being the marriage police was exhausting and I did have panic attacks too after dd2 whenever I started looking around for evidence. Upset stomach, check. No more panic attacks or upset stomach. I don’t snope anymore because there is no reason too. I trust that he sucks.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Hahahaha – “I trust that he sucks”! YES!
I was having terrible insomnia in the past year or more, much worse just after Dday (#3, 26 years after DDays 1 & 2) when the crazy train had hourly runs. Fortunately, with CL & CN help, just 65 days in, crazy train is NOT dependable any more – I have throttle control for a day or two at a run! WOOT! It directly corresponds to NC.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

???????????????? “I don’t snoop anymore because I don’t have to, I trust he sucks!”
This x10000

Lulu
Lulu
6 years ago

I didn’t know skin rashes were common infidelity symptoms!

I was breaking out in hives constantly. I even went to an allergist and found out that I developed allergies to foods I loved and had eaten without problems for years.

My family said my bad marriage was “stealing my beauty.” They were right. Within a month if leaving, my skin cleared up, and a year after the D was finalized, I was back to eating shellfish, strawberries, and pistachios without complaint!

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

I got a case of radioactive poison ivy that spread to my entire body and ultimately ended with a case of something very similar to shingles. Go figure. Shingles typically is on one side of the body and on the torso, but I ended up with it pretty much everywhere. The poison ivy, coupled with the extreme stress I was under, triggered the herpes simplex one virus, so I basically ended up with he equivalent of a fever blister over my entire body. It was extremely painful.

X did not so much as lift a finger to help. I was wearing long sleeve shirts and pants to work to cover oozing blisters and he told me it wasn’t a “good look” for me. Even though the I looked like I had fallen into a blackberry patch, he told me he just didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting well. After all, he wasn’t allergic to poison ivy.

This all happened while the affair was in full swing and I was beginning too question how much time he was spending “working” with her. I was so stressed out that I couldn’t seep at night. I am convinced my body was screaming at me. I just didn’t know how to listen to it. Since X is out of the picture, no more allergic reactions. And, even though I am an obsessive gardener, I try to stay far away from vines of any kind.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Oh, the poison ivy. I get it every summer, although only minimally so far this year. When I was living with XH the drinker, I got a bad case one summer. I was miserable and trying to treat it with Caladryl and trying to prep the house for appraisal. At the worst point, while he was at the bar, I was scrubbing the grout of the kitchen floor. He came in, saw me on hands and knees, and stepped over me. I finished the floor and drove myself to the doctor. I think of that every time I get poison ivy.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Poison ivy sufferers, I beg you to try Zanfel. I do not work for this company or get paid to recommend it. 🙂 It is the ONLY product I have found that stops the itch — IMMEDIATELY upon use! It’s expensive: ~$40/oz, but worth every penny for those of us who are terribly allergic.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Is it a prescription medicine? If not, I want to get some for my medicine chest. Poison ivy triggers an autoimmune reaction in my body and it becomes a fairly serious health issue. I’ve never tried that medication and I would like to have it available. Poison ivy is my kryptonite!.

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

So akin to the Hot Pocket cheater, we have the Poison Ivy cheater. 🙁

LaJ and Violet, your stories make me so sad. How awful to be suffering to that degree and have your life partner be that blatantly indifferent!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

This is very interesting to me, because you are the only other person I’ve heard of besides me whose food sensitivities change markedly with certain kinds of stress. I was concerned that I might be a bit cuckoo for identifying this symptom. Thank you for sharing this.

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

food sensitivity also is worse with stress. Upset gut so often and IBS over. years with DX. Regularr chronic virusees from the stresses of walking on eggshells. Heart palpitatiatins at DD1. Sleepless pick me and marriage police nights too often. vomited all evening of DD2. After NC none of these. Now… comments that I am looking well. . 🙂

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago

I went through a period of having stbxh themes horrible nightmares pretty recently. I think the timing correlated with our custody hearings. Stbxh threatened to kidnap our 3 kids and move them in with one of the many OW from the internet. I told my mother that I had gotten to the point of not wanting to sleep to avoid these dreams. Custody right now has been he has supervised visits and I have primary custody (so that helps to ease my mind).
I have diagnosed IBS, which does flare up, but overall it significantly improved with only seeing stbxh for a few minutes at a time at pick up or drop off of the kids.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago

During the height of ex’s affair, and his dreadful treatment of me, I developed awful, awful toothache. My gum became inflamed around my wisdom tooth and eventually it started to make me physically ill, as my body wasn’t fighting it.

It was so bad, I had to get an emergency dental appointment. I was put on antibiotics, but the issue came back.

It persisted, until I discovered Cheater’s affair, kicked him out the same day. A short while afterwards, I realised that the toothache / gum inflammation had disappeared. It hasn’t reappeared.

Hurrah for leaving cheaters!

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago

This has turned on multiple lightbulbs for me. The year leading up to DDay was the worst (health wise) of my life. I has horrible rashes on my face and had to go to several specialists/ dermatologist. I had 4 oral surgeries including a bone graft in my jaw. I had never had surgery before in my life. I had panic attacks and nightmares. After dday (7 months ago) I couldn’t sleep, lost weight, and had diarrhea every single day for months. I knew the after dday stuff was stress but I never thought about all the other problems. What a fuckwit he is. I just got std tests today. I need to get over this. My head knows but my heart needs to catch up.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

Also after my last surgery my tbx went out at night and left at home me swollen and unable to eat. He would wake me up when he got home drunk and talk about bullshit. I just laid there in pain and wondered wtf???

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago

Ten years ago we adopted a dog from a rescue organization. She was skittish at first and it was six months before we ever heard her bark. She also had a sensitive stomach.

On a weekly basis the dog would get sick to her stomach over something.

It’s been five months since Porky Pig discarded us. The dog hasn’t thrown up once since he left!

Mary Redmond
Mary Redmond
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Wait, hold the phone! I’ve followed this blog for years and LOVE this community. How would I have survived losing everything, my life, my money, our friends, family, house, everything — every single thing, but our children, who get it. And that’s everything. And interestingly for this groups. awhile ago, a so-called “friend” even posted ABOUT ME on this blog!!! But I haven’t participated, not sure why…

But THIS. The many sicknesses…OMG. Then the DOG!!! Our family’s dear Beaux started barking incessantly at him, FOR YEARS — literally putting himself between x and me. Of course, x was furious at the dog, throwing him down to the ground and “punishing him.” Then Beaux got an autoimmune disorder, losing all of his fur, in patches, with crazy itching. HORRIBLE. The x could not have cared less, as I cared for him and everyone. Of course, when x left, Beaux was fine and as sweet as ever. I absolutely believe Beaux TOTALLY KNEW. Dogs know. They SMELL and have senses far beyond ours. Has anyone read “What the Dog Saw”? Beaux knew this man was a threat to me, our children, our home, even the dog himself.

BTW, I also got MENINGITIS during this time — brain virus, in hospital, quarantined. So telling — although he posted “concerned” messages to all of our “friends” — he never came once to the hospital. I drove myself to the hospital, he never visited me while I was there, and I drove myself home. Two days before Christmas, with family coming, dog dying, etc.

So it was 25 years (30 since we started), 3 (wonderful) kids, multiple pets, a (what I thought was a wonderful) life. But you know, I put the bastard through grad school, had and raised, alone for the most part, his children (with special needs), created/recreated our home (again and again and again, because we moved all over for his jobs), and just pretty much raised him, too. He was (and even now is) a child.

So anyway, thanks for all of you and CL, my heroes, all of you!!!

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Mary Redmond

Unfaithful/Narc/Asshole dads who have kids with special needs are in a category of their own. I am married to one.
He gets major kibbles from caring for my SN daughter. He will do the visible things: pushing her wheelchair around church and the grocery store, big fundraising campaigns. When it comes to everyday non-glamarous difficult care, he is nowhere to be seen. Funny that.

Indomitable
Indomitable
6 years ago
Reply to  Mary Redmond

Mary Redmond
You had meningitis and he let you drive to and from the hospital alone and didn’t visit? Dog dying?
That’s a cold, hard turd of a former husband you got there. Get down on your knees tonight and give thanks for the strength in you that let you walk out that front door and never go back. There is a special place in hell for that jerk. So sorry for all the pain he brought to your life.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

I believe part of the reaction from our dogs and cats is coming from us. Our pets pick up on our own subconscious fear and pain, what we’ve stuffed down. The one scaredy cat changed remarkably once the asshole was gone. Everyone commented on it. Within a month of his being gone the fraidy cat was totally changed.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Mary Redmond

My stbx was such a big dog person when we met. We always had dogs. Somehow the last 10 years the dogs stopped looking to him and started following me around instead. They know who really loves them. He doesn’t care about them at all. I think back to when we got them as puppies and I never would have imagined he would leave me and them too. Life is strange. My dogs are more loyal than my husband was that’s for sure.

mzr
mzr
6 years ago
Reply to  Mary Redmond

I’m curious whether anyone else had a dog response?

Chumpy McChumpFace
Chumpy McChumpFace
6 years ago
Reply to  mzr

Yup! One of my dogs began stealing food off the counter whenever ex was around. It was remarkable. She’d look me right in the eye, jump her forelegs onto the countertop and swipe whatever was there (lab). She only did it when ex was in the room. She would also bark at him when she first saw him. He’d get upset at her, but apparently, she picked up that he was a threat. I like to think that she was trying to tell me he was a thief. Stealing my time, my life, our money …

They know.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  mzr

I always say the cat knew before I did.
He used to pee on Narkles the Clown’s stuff after he returned from “business trips”
Turns out the Flying Whore has a cat.
He has turned from a skittish cat always running away, into a sweet lap cat.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  mzr

I have two dogs and a cat. Post D day and during wreckonciliation, the oldest dog – a German Shepherd (who was actually my EX’s dog that he brought to the relationship) became extremely anxious, timid and on edge the whole time. Any time a voice was even slightly raised, he would scoot out and sit in another room with his ears back and eyes down. He followed me like a shadow everywhere all the time. Literally. I couldn’t go to the toilet without him following.

The other dog just seems to go in to goofy, naughty overdrive. She looked to my EX as pack leader and he’d ignore her – it almost was as if she too was doing a pick me dance. Poor darling.

The cat developed this really skittish behaviour and would be scratching all of the time and his skin would twitch like he was being probed with electricity. Just constant.

Plants in the house just wouldn’t thrive.

I too was sick a lot and could not bear him to touch me. My body would literally freeze.

At the 18 month mark, One day I blurted out that I wanted him to leave. I was surprised by it as he was but as soon as I said it, my body felt relief. Sure I was afraid of what was to come logistically and financially and all that but I actually felt a relief and strength and a spark of something that was solely about ME for the first time in years. Within two weeks he had gone. I retained custody of the pets. Mr Embarassing didn’t want or even mention them, but even if he had I’d have never let any of them go with him.

Within days the cat stopped his weird twitchy scratching and it has never come back. It just ceased.

My shepherd finally seems to be able to relax and be still and if I shout now (at the TV, if I drop something, stub my toe), he sleeps through it!

My girl, she’s got her dignity back too and seems much less needy, naughty and as if she’s trying to prove her worth.

Plants are now thriving.

If the energy we put out in to the world is in fact negative and has malevolent intent, then I believe that Absolutely infects the energy within our field. It’s Newton’s third law.

It is no wonder that our health and minds and Soul’s suffer and those of our pets and any other living entity in that field.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  mzr

Yes, my dog really seemed to like my XH early in the marriage when he was treating me right, but started to get very protective of me and jump in front of me in between us, with a threatening bark. I felt great that my dog was loyal and wanted to protect me. He could see and feel with his animal instincts that my XH had become pure evil.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

X would nag and criticize not only me but our son and barking orders at our dog.
He would constantly be ordering the dog around, complained that the dog was too close to the dining room when we’d be having dinner when the dog was in the family room.
It got to where when X would walk into the room the dog would pee in fear.
X thought it was funny. I think about X’s reaction now and I’m horrified, even more horrified that I stayed with him.
Since X left our dog hasn’t been nervous or peed when anyone even strangers or repairmen enter the house.

Peachy Again Soon
Peachy Again Soon
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Our two dogs became very nervous and unsettled during the last year of my marriage. I couldn’t figure out why they were always on alert and would bark at EX to take them out constantly when he would finally get home – or at least that’s what we thought they wanted. After he left, they became so relaxed and would sleep all evening. I’d have to wake them up to take them outside. Before he left EX told me that I could keep the dogs and he never really tried to see them after moving out. I, on the other hand, could not have made it through those first weeks without my dogs. The female, who HATES to be held, would jump in to my lap whenever I started to cry – and that was a frequent event – and stayed with me until I calmed down, enduring my hugs and caresses. The male would lie right next to my chair. They got me through.

On another note, I also noticed a huge difference in my Ex’s smell during that time. All his things, his bedding, his towels, and his person were just so rank and disgusting. I had always enjoyed his smell and thought maybe it was just because he was getting older. Now I wonder…

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Now that you mention it, my dog hasn’t had an accident since Mr cheater pants left. Even the dogs are happier.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Grinding my teeth in my sleep, insomnia, premature gray hair, lack of energy, physical and emotional fatigue.

These people are toxic. It was so bad living with the stress, where I could not identify the source at the time, that my arrhythmia kicked into overdrive.

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Grinding teeth..yup. I had to buy those mouth guards that you boil in water then shove in your mouth to form over your teeth. Those were even chewed to shit…since she’s gone? Don’t need them. I even forgot I used to wear them until this article today. Amazing the stress relief when these people leave our lives

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Same here — massive grinding (waking up my DD in an adjacent room). I bought one of the guards, but it gagged the hell out of me, even when I cut it down.

Hoping the stress relief starts expressing itself more in the coming months to ease the nightmares and the grinding ….. (*crossing fingers).

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I think it will..slowly but surely. After the emotional shit storm in the beginning ..calm waters slowly return. I couldn’t believe I forgot about that mouth guard. I used to wake myself up in a panic thinking i ground my front tooth off. Amazing not even an issue anymore. Good luck, you’ll be ok

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Thanks for the reassurance, Kb. In the midst of it, it feels like it will never end.

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Oh god don’t I know it..but the days turn into weeks etc etc..3+ years out now and life is pretty much normal. That first year was hell. All the “firsts”..amazing how your brain processes this and gets you to the other side. And Chump Lady and Chump Nation of course!

ca-chump
ca-chump
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I grind so much the dentist said it gives me amazing jaw tone. But I did not have $500 for one of his guards. I tried one of those boil and shape guards but switched to Plackers Grind No More – they are really minimal.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

Hey — jaw toning. Not something I would have thought of. But I kind of like the “cup half-full” approach! 🙂

Mary watson
Mary watson
6 years ago

High blood pressure, heart arrhythmia, autoimmune disease, asthma, fibromyalgia, hair loss and PTSD. Neglected myself. Slept next to his hospital bed on a cot, like the faithful chump I was. His health? Great ( as long as I was there). Mine, not so much. But I’m no contact and giving my health the attention I deserved. People are saying he doesn’t look so good these days…….. where are the ho’s now?

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Mary watson

I was the same. X does in fact have serious medical issues, and I sought and coordinated the best treatment available, cost be damned. I also made sure he took his many medications exactly as prescribed. For at least the last ten years of our marriage, though, I never so much as scheduled a physical for myself. (I did have mammograms,etc., thank goodness). My needs did not matter, so I completely ignored all of my own medical conditions. I think you will find this to be a very common occurrence among us chumps

acidbhurnn
acidbhurnn
6 years ago

STBX likes his women with meat so i never cared about gaining weight. at the same time i had horrible acne on my chin and on the side of my face. i think it was because of our diet as well, we just eat anything. and STBX is from the south so our food is mostly fried and salty. after i D day, so far, i lost all all the pregnancy weight that didn’t go away. i had more time to work out and do clean eating.

i lost more than 30lbs, my skin cleared up and everyone i know who sees me now is saying i look great. well plus all the stress of pick me dance is all gone so i can say the weight of his infidelity has been lifted off my shoulders and i am able to focus on myself and nurturing my warrior goddes within. which i lost when i was still with STBX!

Heather
Heather
6 years ago

I was also grinding my teeth, had persistent anxiety that kept getting worse, even worse he gave me an std that I got treated but ended up anyway as cancer. Had to have a total hysterectomy. Cheaters are a huge health risk! ☠️

seenthelight
seenthelight
6 years ago
Reply to  Heather

Heather

I’m so sorry you were given cancer by your disordered ex.

I too was given an std from a previous DD. I found out from my Doctor that it wasn’t thrush as I presumed but an std. up until that moment it never crossed my mind that my H of over three decades would ever dream of cheating on me. I sat and cried my eyes out in the Doctors Surgery.

He tried to deny it and tell me that someone must have done something to me when I was unconscious during a surgery I had for cancer. What an insult to my intelligence. Talk about gas lighting and denial.

They think they are so clever and we are so stupid that we will believe any old crap that comes out of their mouths.

You take care and again I am so sorry for what you have been put through.

happy_housekat
happy_housekat
6 years ago
Reply to  seenthelight

You are so compassionate, even after you also suffered a traumatic physical injury due to your cheater ex.
The lies truly illustrate the old adage about “adding insult to injury”. What a lot of nerve the cheaters have, making the most ridiculous excuses. I’m shocked still but getting less surprised the longer I read CN true life stories.
The love and hopefulness I see around here just goes to show everyone how mighty you all are. I hope every single chump gets a long, happy life in the new life she/he is building each day.
Bravo sisters and brothers!

Heather
Heather
6 years ago
Reply to  seenthelight

Yes they sure come up with excuses. I don’t believe anything anymore from the ex. It did take a long time to get to this reality. Anyhow, wishing you a happy cheater free life.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Heather

Oh, Heather – what you’ve been through! Bless you – I hope your post-cheater life is all you need & want it to be.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Heather

You suffered horrifying abuse Heather. I’m so sorry! Hugs to you.

The Chumpiest Chump of All
The Chumpiest Chump of All
6 years ago

I’m not exactly large to begin with, but in the months since D Day, I have lost between 20-30 pounds (yup. Still a chump. Working on that). Add to that hives (So glad to hear that it’s not just me!), cardiac arrhythmia, nightmares (when I am able to sleep. Rarely able to sleep), back problems, circulatory problems (very easy bruising and lack of blood flow to my extremities), constant nausea, migraines…This doesn’t even begin to touch the other psychological issues that have me feel either completely and utterly hopeless all of the time, or makes me wonder about my sanity.
I am not sure if it’s more the chump right now or the loss of my daughter (she has completely disowned me for not immediately kicking her cheating father to the curb when I found out about the affair. I don’t even know if she is alive…it’s killing me). Add in a very depressed autistic teenager (massive personality shift in the last few months, who still wants me to keep the chump) and a lack of family support, and you have a recipe for even more mess.
Any suggestions from CN? Drowning here, and desperately needing advice from people who actually know what they are talking about (as all other “helpful,” AKA, unwanted, advice has been from people who have never been cheated on)…

over it
over it
6 years ago

Chumpiest Chump of All… I had ALL the same symptoms you are experiencing during my four years of wreckonciliation; lost 20 pounds in three weeks, all my hair started falling out, heart palpitations, abdominal pains, insomnia, etc. etc.. I am normally a strong person, but it seemed I was afraid of everything- even loud noises would make me jump out of my skin. I got sick all the time- it’s like I was susceptible to every bug out there. It was like I was hyper-alert all the time. Food tasted different (I could barely keep it down), smells were more intense, gentle touches seemed almost painful. In fact, I would argue that the cheaters didn’t actually smell bad, it’s just that our senses are so heightened after being physically and emotionally blindsided so intensely. However, it all changed after I got divorced and went no contact. I could suddenly sleep through the night again. I felt better, calmer, more relaxed than I had been in years. Slowly, I regained the weight (happy fat!), and felt much healthier overall. The only cure for your ailments is divorce and no contact. Wreckonciliation is terrible for your mental and physical health. Do what you need to do to get out of that marriage…. it will literally save your life. Your children will thank you one day. It’s hard for them to move past all of this drama while you’re still in it. Once it is truly over, you and your children can begin the path to healing and wellness.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

CCOA, post on the “General” forum frequently. We will support you all along this journey to detach and recover from this abuse you’ve suffered.
I have a daughter who also turned on me but happy ending now (2 years 7 months since Dday). I can tell you more on the forum.

Hugs to you.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Egads, that is so much to go through. My heart goes out to you. My symptoms mimic yours almost exactly — all the way down the the migraines and insane nightmares that pretty much decimate sleeping altogether.

You didn’t actually say whether you left or not — Just that your daughter was angry you didn’t kick him out immediately. I had a similar situation with my oldest (early 20s). She was really, really angry and she said some things will probably always be painful for me to recall. Then I didn’t see her or hear from her for about a month. She did come back — long discussion and tears ensued. So, give her some time. It may be her way of detaching from the drama and stress, while trying to wrap her head around everything. It’s really tough for the kids, at any age.

Some suggestions (whether you are still there or not — and, if you are still there, definitely do your best to plan your escape … ultimately, that’s the best answer):

1. Look up C-PTSD. You’ve had a lot of stuff happening and your emotional state is not in a great place. This may be part of why you are emotionally “stuck.” Getting a therapist who understands trauma and family dynamics is a good place to start.

2. Force yourself to do the self-care. If you are anything like me, you’ll balk at the time and energy it requires to devote to yourself. Do it anyway. As others have mentioned on here before — when the plane is crashing, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first so that you are ABLE to help your kids. Your kids need you healthy. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for them (this has kept me working on self-care, even through the worst of my depression).

3. Deep-breathing (or meditation). I thought meditation was kind of silly and “woo woo” before all of this. But after spiraling into such a bad place emotionally (and physiologically as a result), I was desperate to try anything. Everyone kept saying how great meditation was for stress … and for CPTSD … and for depression … and for everything else. So, I figured, “What could it hurt?” Guess what — it really does help!

4. I highly recommend the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. (You can also watch some of his lectures on YouTube.)

My symptoms have not “poof” disappeared … it’s been a much slower transition for me. However, my massive implosion included my STBX trying to kill himself and having to have him committed. And, all of this dredged up all of the childhood trauma I’ve been running from for many years. So, it’s a marathon for me, not a sprint. That’s okay. My health IS improving. And, I’m really, really determined to get as healthy as possible — for my kids, in particular. But now, I would kind of like that for me as well.

Sending you strength and love. (((Hugs)))

Next Time Man Bot
Next Time Man Bot
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

The book “The Body Keeps Score” really drove home for me the destructiveness of abusive behavior that leaves no visible scars. Amazing book!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago

Chumpiest Chump, I’m not the best at giving advice (better on the receiving end if that makes sense), but have you gone to the doctor for meds for depression, anxiety and sleeplessness? That’s a really good starting point. Take care of your body first. My sister taught me to “feed your brain”, which meant to eat something (I had a hard time eating for a long time) and what you eat should be high in a good protein and nutritious if possible. Get a little exercise (a short walk). Do extreme self-care. Rest when you are tired. Pamper yourself with whatever that means to you. Once your body starts feeling better, you will be able to slowly start tackling the other stuff. When you feel like crap, you just have to take baby steps each day. I hope this helps. Hopefully other chumps can help or you can read old posts from Chump Lady. She has a lot of great advice from previous posts.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago

The advice you’re asking for is CL’s tag line – Leave a cheater!!!!

Unlike those you say know nothing, your fellow chumps do. We know every excuse in the book and we know there is only one way thru this crap.

Get to a lawyer and then get rid of the pos that is making you sick.

You’re daughter is right. Call her, tell her you’re leaving the cheater and ask for her emotional support. You and your son may need therapy to get thru this.

NOTHING is going to get better until you start the process.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago

I have found a great network or support at my local Divorce Care. Pretty much filled with people like me who have been cheated on.

Some things I most certainly do not agree with what is said but I have met some wonderful new friends and gained some insight and peace about my life.

You need support from friends and a good therapist and a good physician. I took anxiety meds every night to sleep. Rest is so key to doing the next thing. Not a fan of Ambien but the anxiety meds helped.

I think mediation would help too. Never did it but practiced breathing can help with the blood flow.

You will get through this.

Hugs,

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago
Reply to  livefortoday2

Im sorry that is meditation. Not mediation! No coffee yet!

The Chumpiest Chump of All
The Chumpiest Chump of All
6 years ago

Oh – I forgot the health problems from regular outbreaks of the genital herpes that he gave me (protection is there for a reason) and the stress over wondering when the high-risk strains of HPV will turn cancerous (again, protection is there for a reason. And who in the hell screws someone without protection and then goes and screws their spouse, pretending that nothing at all is wrong. God, I must be even more of a chump to not have known…).

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago

Oh mg. The health issues . This should be the biggest red flag of all. Literally gave me an std the first time we slept together and passed it off as gum disease …. over the next 25 years i tended to every episode of his back problems …sciatica….bad knees…blood pressure …insomnia…leg cramps. ..hearing loss… allergies…weight issues…..contact lens prob. Kidney stones….heart burn…. excema ….cold sores ….broken teeth ….constipation. …must stop incase he is identified from medical records . I forgot i looked after ALL his tragic health issues but as soon as i developed panic attacks he got stroppy about accomodating my neediness for feeling an imminent death coming so i had to keep it to myself. Towards the end i got the most horrendous rash on my neck which felt like it was killing me. But the night terrors werr the most enduring sign that this person was out to get me. The phone ringing faintly is an absolute spot on analogy except i think i needed a rape alarm going off in my ear to eake me up. By the time i was dreaming his whole family and him was out to get me was the last few months before discard ….yet no overt signs. Your body knows …so it’s the weirdest thing to think we can out think what our body is reading from the sensory input you are absorbing 24/7.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago

Dear Chumpiest Chump
I have the same stds as u. Please look into Chinese medicinal herbs and acupuncture for that. And lemon balm. Your body can heal! I promise u! If u get out of that stress it will heal. U gotta get away from him before he kills u. The body has an immune system which can fight these viruses. I did it. I’m also a naturopath. I cured myself. Please listen to me.
My monster tried to destroy me. I suspect he even killed my kitty on my bday! He thought he could win. But I’m winning now.
U can win too. Get him out for your healths sake! U will get worse and then b unable to leave.
This is a battle ur fighting between dark forces. He’s a dark entity. Don’t let him destroy u further.
I know it’s sooo hard. I still cry every day. I also have cptsd. But I do believe in the power of positivity and good. Light can overcome dark.
Get him away from u!
Trust in ur daughter. She’s pissed for a reason.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago

Chumpiest & Living a nightmare –
put HIM out. ASAP. Claim YOUR space – HE violated the contract, not you.I understand information-gathering. I could only last 4 days before my rage spilled out and I confronted my fuckwit. I was grumpy, irritable. I refused to carry his bag of shit shame any longer – had HIM tell the children (20 & 16) or I would have. Gave that shitbag to him to carry. I know each situation is different. But trust the voices here because we are MIGHTY together. Find your mighty here.

kb
kb
6 years ago

I had a dodgy PAP smear about 6 years ago. I insisted that my husband was faithful in the marriage, but certainly he’d had other partners before we were married. Wow! Was I a Chump!

I often think back to that, since it was well before Schmoopie came into the picture. Once I learned about Schmoopie, I realized that Schmoopie was the one affair I knew about. I’d never know if and how many shorter affairs he’d had previously.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

The Chumpiest – I didn’t know either, because I assumed and trusted he was committed to his kids and I. As did you with your cheater. Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing or for being “more of a Chump to not have known”. You didn’t do anything wrong! The shame is entirely on HIM! He took advantage of you.

Mine also contracted an STD from the hooker mistress he had. Like you, I also can’t fathom how a husband can f**k a hooker, not use protection, and then get back into bed with his wife and risk her health. Just. Plain. F**ked up! After 2 dodgy Pap smears, my third one was clear. But, I still panic about it all and worry if it will show up again in the future. I’m furious about it. Never had any type of STD before this. Ever!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

I term this “biohazardous rape” as you did not consent to the degree of exposure which he decided to expose you to.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Wow, unicornnomore – that is spot on!
“biohazardous rape” – we need a recovering chump to draft the legislation making that a felony. NOW.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

I second this motion! How is this not already a felony?!? I thought it was

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

The above type of described behavior (cheater having indiscriminate, unprotected sex with strange and then doing the same with a loyal and unsuspecting spouse) is especially harmful when the chump is in an advancing state of pregnancy.

As a result of of my now ex-husband’s behavior described above, I had to have an emergency c-section and my INFANT DAUGHTER had to spend the first 10 days of her life in the hospital being treated for potentially FATAL COMPLICATIONS from the STD physicians believed we contracted from her cheating father.

In fact, the viral STD my daughter’s doctors were afraid that she was infected with is SO DANGEROUS that even after testing negative at 7 days old (ultimately we both tested negative, thank heavens), my infant daughter was still required to remain in the NICU for an additional 3 days being treated around-the-clock with painful IV treatments of anti-virals.

My infant daughter paid far too high a price for her father’s destructive choices. How is this not a crime?

Stalked, Name Changed
Stalked, Name Changed
6 years ago

Left him, I seriously looked into the legal remedies available to me or my daughter following our medical ordeal.

I was told that because ultimately my daughter and I tested negative for the STD we were treated for that we had basically no case.

I was told that if we ended up testing positive for any STDs we absolutely could pursue legal damages. (Neither of us did test positive following the appropriate period for seroconversion, although my daughter and I certainly paid a steep price for my ex-husband’s infidelity).

I believe it is certainly worth getting a second opinion. In my situation, the OW is a divorce attorney 15 years my senior. She named herself as a witness to the case in my divorce and hired her own lawyer to represent her.

I think that my town may be small enough that many law firms simply didn’t want to burn bridges with her law firm, by pursuing damages on my daughter’s behalf. I simply don’t know much about the law. And as a single mom of 4 kids aged 7 and under, I don’t really have the financial resources at this time.

I’m so incredibly grateful that my daughter did test negative, as the majority of infants infected with the illness/STD her team of Pediatricians thought she had do not survive. Every day I am thankful for the gift of my daughter’s health. Any day now my healthy baby girl will be taking her first steps!!!

Thank goodness for CL and all of you at CN!!!

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

It is a crime, isn’t it?!? I mean, can’t you sue him for that? Especially with all the medical evidence? Scratching my head here. I’m so sorry that happened to you and your daughter. I hope you are both well away from him and healing

Living a nightmare live
Living a nightmare live
6 years ago

So, ok, I too am stuck with cheater. I literally have no where to go, can’t get a job, and he conveniently messed up my car. He sneaks her in my house while I sleep. Yes, I have tried to stay awake, almost did this morning and got close to busting him out-huge fight at 5am. I want to leave, having everything fight me for opportunity. Do you have a way to leave? Do you have a chance at all? TAKE IT! I understand about the challenges you face but you need to think about this: Autism does not mean this child is void of understanding something is wrong with Mom. This child is depressed for a reason. If you are scared say so! Hell yeah I am scared but NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ANOTHER PERSON! For me, clearly my Lord is protecting me from seeing it as I have tried and failed so many times and always some kind of set back so I can’t go. You need to lean on Faith, go and find a Pitbull for a Lawyer if you have the ability and take care of YOU! Please! I have friends who have Autistic children and I can honestly say that they are very perceptive. Do you need permission? Do you really think he gives a shit? If he did, he wouldn’t be cheating. Damn woman, just go! You are so strong and so cruel to yourself because you don’t see how strong you are. Hell, you took on the challenge of having a Special needs child, (some put them in a Care facility) raised a Warrior for a Daughter (believe me, that girl is alive and is waiting for you) She got that somewhere and I guarantee it wasn’t from that coward you call a husband! Step out of this because you have earned the right to. He does not deserve what he has but he deserves what he is going to get. The gift evil gives will never compare to the gift God gives. Blessings are coming! Run your race with endurance, persevere to the end. You can do this. I know you can!

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago

@ LANL This just opened up my heart in a way I cannot describe. Thank you for that.

Living a nightmare live
Living a nightmare live
6 years ago

Hey CN I got a call for an Interview! !!!!!!!! Finally a glimmer! Chumpiest chump, I promise God is with you! Hugs Miss Mighty!

kb
kb
6 years ago

Good luck with that interview!

Living a nightmare live
Living a nightmare live
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

Thank you! He does not believe that I know or refuses to believe it which is probably more like it. Jokes on him, I have 2 voice recorders with proof! Going to get a hidden camera for the bathroom. It’s been torture to pretend I don’t know, manifests itself with anger and disrespect. I am a smartass by nature so I drop hints all the time. Poor sad didums is so tired of being accused! Hangs the job thing over my head too. I also am losing my hair in mass amounts, have scratched myself to death, lost 100 lbs, gained 60 back. I have hurt myself by listening to those recordings because he won’t cop the truth, found the ropes, ties, gags, batteries and my God her freaking curly black hair in my bed, bathroom, kitchen, car, his truck, my kids car. Says hair can come from anywhere, I am crazy. The same hair for 4 years? We have moved twice, what are the odds? Yeah, I know about mindfuckery. Trying to plan a great BOMB drop when I have the ability to leave! I can’t wait to get on with my life and find Meh on Tuesday!

seenthelight
seenthelight
6 years ago

Hi living a nightmare

You sure are having to put up with a lot of crap.

What type of whore would sleep in the marital bed. They are scum and imo narcissistic.

Your day will come when this is all behind you.

I made the BIG MISTAKE of taking my cheater pants back two years ago after he left me to go and live with granny whore. Worst thing I ever did because of course he’s back seeing the old slapper.

I’ve asked him to leave and move in with granny whore (it would also mean the Courts would give me more of the marital pot if they think he already has somewhere to live plus I’d be rid of the cheating git) but he says she won’t let him move in with her this time because he left her to return to me. He’s probably lying and wanting a double portion of cake.

So he is refusing to leave and I’m going to have to go through the divorce process with him living here with me. Also he has the right to live here by law until we sell the House because both our names are on the House Deeds. A house near me has been up for sale for nine months. I cannot even put the house up for sale until the Courts issue the Financial Settlement and that will be at the end of the divorce. I have the nightmare scenario of living with him for maybe 18 months. Neither of us can afford to rent anywhere as the cost of renting where I live is insane.

Hang in there because you and I will look back on this nightmare one day and we will be be at meh.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago

My heart raced. A constant 125 heart rate. Terrifying.
I had continuous colds – never well.
My hair fell out
I lost more weight than I should have
I had insomnia something fierce

Now cheater free since moved in April to a condo free of his memories?
No illness at all and normal heart rate and no more anxiety pills needed
Lonely at times but peace is marvelous!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Like some of you I had brittle, dull hair, ground my teeth and had the most horrendous nightmares (when I was allowed to sleep). I would be trapped in awful mazes, ghettos, mud-filled diamond mines, land-slides – always trapped, but surrounded by monsters and I couldn’t get out. Somewhere along the way I would discover a baby that I had to get out of that maze, and I never gave up on it. After the divorce, those nightmares disappeared but for the longest time the nightmares became about trying to get washed/showered (say, in a camp site or at the swimming baths) but I was never able to wash because all the showers were all taken or there was no water, and so on. The doctor said I was trying to wash my past away and I believe it. But the biggest plus of getting rid of the asshole has been not having to drink myself into a stupor just to numb myself away from feeling anything. I would get beaten up about twice a week and verbally abused about 5 times a week. I rarely got more than 3, non-consecutive, hours sleep a night because he was always high as a kite, so I started opening a bottle of wine when I got home from work ….. to be followed by another towards the end. I felt I always had to have alcohol in my veins just to anaesthetize myself from him. Now? I drink occasionally – maybe two glasses on a night out, I no longer grind my teeth in my sleep ….. and now I actually do care because I WANT to wake up from my sleep!

Ali Rose
Ali Rose
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Attie, you and I were married to the same kind of guy. I’m sure the sleep deprivation is intentional, just so they can keep control over us. Good job on kicking the alcohol habit now that you’re out. When I feel intense emotions, I still feel the urge to reach for the bottle. Now I go for a walk or talk to my friends. When I used to wake up in the morning, I badly wanted to go back to my dreams so I could avoid the nightmare of my life. Now when I open my eyes in the morning, my first urge is to giggle. Life without a loser is so good!

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Holy smokes! I am very happy that you are getting healthy by eliminating the pox from your life. What you described is more than a nightmare and I’d bet there are other chumps who are in or have been in similar environments.

Stay mighty!

Pauline
Pauline
6 years ago

It’s amazing how similar it affects us. Not in any particular order

Teeth grinding, nightmares, gall stones, hair loss, weight gain, depression, high blood pressure, lost my job due to not being able to leave the house, bite my nails, aged 10 years over night.
To name a few.

The saddest thing is if any one is nice to me my first thought is what do they want from me.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
6 years ago
Reply to  Pauline

Pauline, me too! I have some major trust issues. I think everyone is trying to drain my life away like the X.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

That lingers for me, too. Sometimes people say things akin to “wow, you’re really jaded.” I tell them “Experience made me jaded. Humans learn from our experiences.”

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Precisely. Having experiences and NOT learning from them made us chumps in the first place. People can think what they want. I remember being involved in one-sided friendships as a kid where I was left feeling the same way (oh, someone is being nice to me…what do they want?) Better to be cautious than leaving yourself open to hurt again. Others are free to be as open as they think people should be because they have not experienced this level of betrayal.

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
6 years ago

I would feel panicked and my heart would race. I developed sleep problems. My blood pressure was up. I had back pain for years but it really was much worse during the last few years of my marriage. Once I ended up in the ER because of an elevated heart rate. Post divorce, my back has hardly bothered me, my blood pressure is down, my heart doesn’t race anymore. I still have sleep issues but I have seen some improvement. I do worry and have stress about some things but I can usually keep calm once I give myself a little talk.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
6 years ago

Besides the panic attacks, nightmares (of stopped-up toilets or him cheating), I had no energy. Some days I could barely get out of bed, I fell asleep at my desk at work. I also had no self confidence and was very shy around people, which ended when I finally divorced him.

I was constantly sick, sometimes doctors wanted to hospitalize me because I had such high fevers.

I also had bad back and neck issues. I went to my chiropractor after the divorce and for the first time in years he didn’t need to work on my neck. I told him, “It’s because the pain in my neck is gone!” he thought it was funny too.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

The first think I lost was my libido. Plain and simple, I had no interest in being touched by or touching a man who had responded to a Craigslist ad as a Bi MWM. That, of course, was turned against me as to the “WHY” he cheated during MC… chicken or egg, folks?

Then, I developed heart palpitations. Thought I was having mini heart attacks. Wore a monitor for a weekend, nope, not a thing wrong… panic attacks. Good times.

Sleep? What was that? I was lucky if I got 3 hours straight. And, since I worked full-time, the sleep deprivation AND being the marriage police distracted me so much that I lost two jobs (each lasting about two years).

Now? I’ve been in the same job for 5 years and get fantastic performance reviews. I sleep a solid 8-9 hours (almost like I’m catching up for lost time). Panic attacks, gone.

I lost 200lbs when he left (ha)… now, I’m finally going to start working on losing weight in a healthy way (I dropped and regained 70 lbs during the discard and divorce).

It’s better in ways I can’t even describe. It’s harder too, and sometimes lonely, but I’d rather be lying in bed alone than lying next to someone who is intentionally trying to eradicate me.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago

Yes, the intimacy issues being turned back on you, the timeline blurred like you were always this way or it was always your fault. He honestly thought I would still be able to love him after what he did. Like I told my aunt, “I’m not sexually attracted to liars.”

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Beautiful, Chump On it – “not sexually attracted to liars.”
YES! Mine pushed me away, then complained about lack of intimacy. Blurred timeline, indeed! Mine’s recent excuse was that he felt left out & abandoned. More like hke opted out of all family activities and went trolling with all the spare time he had…chicken/ egg? Blame that victim, bc it’s all about the narcs. I KNOW which came first, that’s all that matters.
PS ~ My libido came back the minute he went out the door! Hel-lo!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Yep, I know how hard it is to work full-time (plus a 3-hour daily commute) on max 3 hours sleep a night. When you realize that shit went on for years it really does make you wonder how our bodies held out doesn’t it.

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

I lost 18 pounds which actually was the only “good” thing that came of his cheating…as the weight loss helped stabilize my numbers. The emotional loss was far more damaging for me. I became this mess…I was needy, clinging on to him, begging for his love. I was suicidal, I cried for hours a day. I was constantly checking my phone for his texts. I was a complete emotional mess…someone I didn’t recognize. I still cry but it is waaaaay less…and I’m no longer that emotional mess as I’ve seen him for the fraud that he is. Each day he takes up less real estate in my mind.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

I’m so sorry for your emotional pain, Pret. It’s devastating. I hope you find deeper peace & joy.
My immediate reaction was primal-screaming grief. I sounded like a wounded safari animal at times. I KNEW the marriage was over (since this was go-around #3) and I had spackled so long I believed my own advertising. Reading RIC propaganda made it worse. All that rationalizing & blaming the betrayed! Made me sick to my stomach and I knew I couldn’t do that again. I cried in the shower, in bed, in the car, at work. My thinking was very disordered! (Okay, it still is…making concentration and job tasks nearly impossible some days, but I can feel that improving, too) Also, I have been accident-prone. I burned my arm pretty badly the first week, while he was still in the house. And hit my head hard, and have some bumps & bruises. I need to stop and take my time…this is all fading away, fortunately. My friend said she had the “clumsy” label slapped on her near her divorcee from another fw, and she said she got better – “now that no one was pushing me down and I stopped drinking to deal with it.” Hmm…we chumps have been pushed around long enough!

Pret
Pret
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Thanks for your kind words Chump diva. Everyday it gets easier and in 4 days when I get in my car and head to Florida, I’m hoping to finally put it all behind me. It’s been a loooong 7 months but there has to be better days ahead. My Tuesday is hopefully right around the corner.

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
6 years ago

Talking about nightmares, I didn’t have nightmares during my marriage. You have to be able to sleep in order to have nightmares and I developed sleep problems–I dreaded going to sleep because I didn’t know what was going to happen while I was sleeping and I didn’t know what I would wake up to. However, on the day my each moved out, That night I dreamt that I was trapped with other people in a stairwell. We were trapped with a serial killer. As I kept going up and down staircases I could see and hear all the other people getting killed. The dream ended with me being the last one coming face to face with the serial killer and the 2 of us staring at each other.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I have been ashamed of my nightmares, because they have been so violent. I am NOT a violent person. Never have been. I was usually the one who would calm everyone down. I’ve even stopped fights between men before. Really — I hate violence.

Yet, since the last year or so of the marriage (separated in Feb of this year), I have been having horrendous nightmares that he’s killing me, trying to kill our kids, or someone else. Full-screen, Rated-R kind of nightmares. So fucking stressful ….

And, because it all ended with him a rage (P.O. required), because and we share a minor daughter … well, the nightmares have not yet stopped. Hoping therapy can help them to abate.

Ali Rose
Ali Rose
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Jessmom, Hang in there. I had a violent ex, and the nightmares were intense for me too. The nightmares petered out about two years after his death (he did follow through on the suicide threat in my case). I had to just accept for a while that the nightmares would be there. There was certainly nothing I could do to stop them. I think it’s our minds letting us process the violence in a relatively safe way. I know it doesn’t feel safe when you wake up from one of them. I had someone I could talk with, and we started to laugh about how absurd the nightmares were. I hope your therapy helps you. Big hugs.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Ali Rose

Thank you, Ali Rose.

I like your approach … kind of a Stoic acceptance. I’ve been trying anything (legal) I can think of to at least lessen them, but nothing has worked yet. Taking a step back and simply accepting them as “it is what it is” rather than trying to mentally fight them could lessen the stress around them. I will work on this! Again, thank you! (((Hugs)))

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

JessMom, please try EMDR therapy. The last time I saw exasshole outside of a courtroom he was chasing me with a gun in his hand. PTSD was horrible, EMDR saved me. Try it. Jedi Hugs!

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

*each* is supposed to be “exh”. Autocorrect changed it for me.

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Talk about weird, recurring nightmares.

Before D-Day I kept having horrible recurring one where we were excavating some kind of foundation for our home and uncovered the body we had buried years before.

It was always the same; me thinking “WHY did we kill this man and bury him here? Did we really think we’d never get caught?”

And then we would hurriedly cover the body back up and hope it was never discovered.

Talk about your creepy symbolism….

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Again, the sleep thing and the nightmares. Even on nights when he did leave me alone or was out whoring around with his drunken slut, I STILL couldn’t sleep because I was waiting to hear the key in the door – and then wondering what the hell new shit/chaos he had created. Actually it is so reassuring to hear other people went through this crap – otherwise you think you are going mad.

Cynamon
Cynamon
6 years ago

It was a standing joke with Prince Harming and me that whenever we went out my stomach would get upset and I would have to locate a bathroom with haste. So much so that I knew where the bathrooms were in our area as I had used them all!

After Prince Harming found his one true love Sluterella and tossed his family to be with her and her two kids from two different (k)nights, this problem went away immediately. Then it dawned on me: he was deliberately making me sick. I can’t prove it but I have not had this problem in 3 years now since he left.

I may not be able to prove that he was poisoning me (he loved to tell the story of how squeezing eye drops into people’s drink gave them the trots) but I do know this: he gave me herpes.

Anyway, what Prince Harming and Sluterella have is real and will last forever…just like the STD he gave me. I hope that they both get run over by a 6 pound pumpkin carriage.

seenthelight
seenthelight
6 years ago
Reply to  Cynamon

Cynamon

I love it Sluterella. Do you mind if I pinch that for my STBX own true love. At the moment I call her granny whore because he is super sensitive to the fact that she is ten years older than him. She lied about her age to him and she too thinks she is a Princess.

I found a picture of them at some fancy hotel that was a castle and she is literally dressed up like some princess from a panto. All the other guests are wearing jeans.

On a serious note you really did have a lucky escape from that lunatic. It all sounds very very suspicious.

Take care

Cynamon
Cynamon
6 years ago
Reply to  Cynamon

*Not a six pound carriage…a six TONNE one!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  Cynamon

I hope they get run over by the pumpkin carriage too. You know, if he was joking about putting stuff in people’s drinks to give them the trots, I think you have solved your own problem no?

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Yeah, that’s one of those things only a sadist would actually find funny. Best to be as far from that as possible, for sure. Disgusting.

KAF
KAF
6 years ago

While I definitely had more mental stress than I do now (no more depression or anxiety meds) I was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma 1 year later – almost to the day he asked me if I was going to move out of the house so he could move the 21yr old babysitter OW in. I am truly convinced that parading his OW In front of me and my kids in my own house caused me not to sleep and take care of myself and brought this horrible disease upon me. He knows about my cancer and has never said one word to me about it and has shown no concern at all. I’m physically challenged these days but I’m so glad I’m trying to heal without also having to deal with his abuse and gaslighting

SevenofCups
SevenofCups
6 years ago
Reply to  KAF

KAF, I am so sorry. I was diagnosed with melanoma a week after my husband of 16 years announced that he had “met someone” and couldn’t decide if he wanted to stay in the marriage or be with her. The cancer diagnosis felt like a double kick in the gut while I was down. Two surgeries and two years later I am cancer-free and have only a few months left before I can file for absolute divorce. It has been a long and grueling road for me and my kids and we still aren’t done with all the legal stuff yet. The fuckwit’s narcissism, blame-shifting, projection, and gaslighting have reached insane levels, but at least now I can shut my phone off and hand all the abusive texts to my attorney. I am so glad you are out too – just getting out requires us to find strength within ourselves that we didn’t know we had. Fighting cancer is often the same and my heart goes out to you. I truly believe that once we get stitched back together (physically and emotionally) we will have the strength, grace, and resilience to handle anything that comes our way. Our scars are our reminders of what we went through and what we survived – wear them proudly. You can do this.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  KAF

Yes, Hugs to you KAF. I hope you continue to get stronger and to heal now that you’re free of the stress he created by parading OW around. What an ass.