And a big hairy pox on those who think otherwise.
Yes, the unicorns are at it again. Leading the sparkly unicorn brigade on HuffPo today is the always insipid Vicki Larson. I’m sorry Vicki, if you google yourself and find yourself here — you’re talking out of your ass. I know you think you’re a chump, one that has successfully remained “friends” with your cheater (for the children!) and find forgiveness to be “essential” — but you’re dead wrong when you think that affairs can be positive and transformative forces for good.
You know what is a positive and transformative force? Chump self respect.
Refusing to eat the shit sandwich, because you see it as — hey! — a shit sandwich. Finding the strength to leave an ABUSIVE situation — is transformative.
Apparently I’m mistaken.
With all due respect, Tracy, infidelity isn’t abuse in many people’s minds, as I’ve written:http://omgchronicles.vickilarson.com/2012/12/17/is-infidelity-abuse/
If all infidelity is abuse, than what are we to make of those who stay married to a reformed philanderer, and who find the affair(s) transformational in re-creating their marriage? What are we to make of the many “experts” who suggest people try to work through infidelity — when not one of them would ever suggest working through physical abuse. We don’t call IPV “transformational.”
I think it would be better to advise people to assess the situation — was it a “just-sorta-happened” one-night stand, with remorse and a promise to change, or was it a long-term affair? There isn’t a one-size-fits all answer. But, yes, confronting someone with the evidence — “This is what I know” — is essential.
Let’s take this apart.
Infidelity isn’t abuse IN MANY PEOPLE’S MINDS.
Well, that’s an interesting caveat. People’s minds tell them all sorts of unhealthy things — have another cookie, snort that coke, things aren’t that bad! (spackle)… Sure, lots of people would like to think infidelity is not abuse, it’s oh, a midlife crisis, it’s “brokeness,” it’s “waywardness” it’s everything except a very willful choice based in entitlement. People imagine all sorts of self serving nonsense.
What are we to make of those who stay married to a reformed philanderer?
Skepticism about reformation. Hey, if unicorns are happy, God bless them. I tend to believe that people who cheat usually continue to do so, and unless they get shit loads of therapy, go through life as dry drunks — all the entitlement without the sexual acting out. Not super fun partners. So what do I make of it? I feel sorry for it. I feel the chump could do a lot better.
and who find the affair(s) transformational in re-creating their marriage?
Now you’re smoking powdered unicorn dope. Affairs are BAD things, not “transformational” things. I’ve said this before — saying that infidelity improves marriage is like shooting off your kneecaps improves your tennis game. No, infidelity cripples marriage (which was probably in a weakened state to begin with). It doesn’t strengthen it.
What are we to make of the many “experts” who suggest people try to work through infidelity
I call those experts quacks. Members of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex of which Vicki Larson is clearly a part.
I think it would be better to advise people to assess the situation — was it a “just-sorta-happened” one-night stand, with remorse and a promise to change, or was it a long-term affair? There isn’t a one-size-fits all answer.
My comment was that infidelity is abuse. It wasn’t what I think you should do — bait and switch there, Vicki. Whether they fucked someone one time, or hundreds of times — it’s betrayal of the most intimate, destructive kind. It involved many selfish choices, willful decisions. Decisions that risked a chump’s health, their children’s home life, and their well-being. I’ll leave it up to chumps to determine if a one-off is worth reconciling with — but a serial cheater? No, never. It’s all abuse. If someone slugged you once, it doesn’t make it less of an assault if they keep hitting you for years. Hitting someone is assault. Pure and simple.
This is what I know” — is essential.
Whoa, I thought forgiveness was “essential”! So much is essential….