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Infidelity Valentine’s Contest

valentineAre you sick of all the treacly candy hearts and pink teddy bears out and about this time of year? Valentine’s Day can sometimes be a painful reminder that other people are happily coupled up and you’re the kid with the empty shoebox, awaiting the classroom Valentine that never comes.

There’s no cure for it, except February 15… but don’t be blue! In honor of the holiday of love, send Chump Lady your cheater valentines!

Now’s the time to take out your creative frustrations in the form of a haiku or limerick devoted to your cheater. Best submission wins a “meh” travel mug (or other mug of your choice). Post your entries here in the comment section, or email them to me at Chump Lady

A haiku is five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. A limerick is five lines with the rhyming scheme (AABBA). Don’t send me lugubrious free form verse or sonnets. (Ode to My Divorce Retainer…) I want short and funny and snarky. Give a fellow chump a laugh.

Here, I will demonstrate:

There once was an OW named Denise
Her hair was worse than her teeth
Yellow dentures and wig
She resembled a pig
Or a convict on early release

Reconciliation
Unicorn so sad
Secret cell phone found

You can do this chumps! Snark away! The winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2013 and I will draw a cartoon to go with the winning submission. You can submit as many entries as you want to.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.

  • Cheater, cheater you cakeeater.
    You had a lovely wife, but did not to heed her.
    You banged a wannabe cougar.
    That makes you a loser.
    Life without you is now so much sweeter!

  • Her hair is red,
    You made me blue,
    We must stay NC
    so I don’t say, “Fuck you.”

  • Dr. Shannon had an itch
    got my wasband for to skritch
    found he loved it!
    got some more!

    Now I have shown him the door.

  • a brazen lady named Mo
    had sex with my ex like a pro
    bored, forced to partake
    he loved his new cake
    So my lawyer just took all his dough

  • I come from a land down under
    Where my wife cheated, she’s a runner
    IT’S CHAINSAW MAN and I’ve dumped her
    Bloody hell, it makes you wonder

  • My wife took her lover to New York
    Where she ran in a race and played with his pork sword
    It wasn’t too long before they were caught
    With not too much forethought
    They’ll end up with naught

  • Behold the smug smirk of the cheater,
    Who sucks hard like a bottom feeder,
    Why only pick one,
    When scores are more fun,
    He desires to be a cake eater.

  • So husband spent all of our monies
    to pick up street hooker bunnies
    With revulsion, I see
    With children I flee,
    I hope his dick gets the burning runnies.

  • His ego was something to behold,
    Admire the cheating man-ho!
    His sparkle so bright!
    His charm, just right!
    Alas, he was a lump of fool’s gold.

  • How could I ever say no?
    The horny goat was ready to go.
    With cul-de-sac hair,
    and a gut out to there,
    *BARF*, you can have him, ho’s.

    Man, I’m having way too much fun with these. 🙂

  • Behold the king of the castle,
    Where all must submit as his vassals,
    He who must be appeased,
    You cannot disagree,
    He really is just an asshole.

      • These are like cathartic therapy sessions! I’ve never written one before, but I couldn’t sleep last night for all the limericks bouncing in my head. 🙂 It’s nice to laugh over something so painful.

        • you are really quite good at this I am enjoying all the posts so much. LOL CL you have your work cut out for you.

  • To me, you were thumbing your nose,
    while you were busy banging your ho’s.
    Getting your “dessert”,
    you ugly pervert,
    I’ll make sure everyone knows.

  • You are working late again,
    but who am I to complain?
    It’s for the family, you say
    but in reality, we pay
    the ultimate price in pain.

  • Seeing all your deceptions and plans
    with no morals on which to stand,
    I hope you enjoy
    living life as a boy
    ’cause you’ll never be a real man.

  • Serial cheaters fill us with dread.
    How can we keep them from our beds?
    How many lives would be saved
    from being with the depraved
    if we could tattoo a red “A” on their heads?

  • Such a glamorous life you’ve got.
    What are all those weeping red spots?
    Is it fun keeping tabs
    on your population of crabs
    as you treat your spreading crotch rot?

  • You’re sorry now that you’re caught.
    But your protests are all for naught.
    Like a donkey you bray
    that you want to stay,
    but good morals are inherent, not taught!

  • “He will cheat on you also”, I said.
    At least now I can go to bed…
    And not worry 🙂

  • There once was a man named Ex
    Who really, really liked to have sex
    He fucked anyone willing
    And they bought what he was schilling
    And that’s when I put on a hex

  • Off to therapy they went
    Anguished chump and the “oh so sorry” gent
    When she realized with a start
    He was STILL bedding his tart
    Empowered chump he could no longer torment

  • Life after cheater
    Is infinitely sweeter
    I sleep soundly at night
    No fear of gaslight
    And the ho has to feed the cake eater!

  • Sports car cologne cliche
    Popping viagra for mistress foreplay
    Our marriage was fraught
    From complications this wrought
    Does the girlfriend style his toupee?

  • You are a habitual liar
    Raising my continual ire
    You fuck everything with 2 legs
    A question which begs
    How many of them were for hire?

  • You meet your chicks in flight
    Charming them with all your might
    But I found out
    You dumbass lout
    You’re not even worth the fight

  • You guys, these are awesome! Keep ’em coming! I’m having a good laugh with my coffee this morning. 🙂

  • Oh shit! I got busted!
    But don’t worry, I love you, I can be trusted.
    Anyway, the problem was with you
    What else could I do?
    Selfish assholes can’t help but act when they feel lusted

  • There once was a man named Jim
    Who thought his lovely wife was so dim
    That he lied and cheated mattered not
    He left without so much as a pot
    And now she is alone with a grin

  • It starts as a workplace affair
    The blackness of your heart do you bare
    You end it in rage
    Perfectly setting the stage
    For encores of pain and nightmare

  • Why are we never enough?
    We continuously fed good fluff
    Ego kibbles are sweet
    Now beat a hasty retreat
    And go fuck yourself in the buff

    • CRAP, putta you in there:

      Why are we never enough?
      We continuously fed you good fluff
      Ego kibbles are sweet
      Now beat a hasty retreat
      And go fuck yourself in the buff

  • Your affair was completely demented
    The wife that I had I lamented
    you’ve broken my trust
    Our love crumbled to dust
    Your selfish actions our end it cemented

  • You once said you’d love me forever
    Such a kind thought and noble endeavor
    Then comes an earth shaking change
    Your morals and dignity exchanged
    For a broken soul; yeah your so clever

  • I truely love you, but
    our sex life is in a rut
    So I got a ho-worker
    she’s not much of a looker
    but she’s a real handy slut

  • Getting married is easy and breezy
    The hopes and dreams that are born; some are cheesy
    So have your affair
    Take all the good that we share
    And reduce it to feeling so sleezy

  • Oh poor me, my life is so crappy
    my lonely penis just goes flippy flappy
    21 years down the drain
    my family’s in pain
    but a ho sure makes me happy.

  • Limmerick:

    There once was an underachiever
    Who was slutty and quite a deceiver
    She wouldn’t quit Warcraft
    Or plying her whore-craft
    So this Chump had to get smart and leave her

    Haiku:

    Two troll priest soulmates
    Hookup in Vegas to screw
    Mind if I vomit?

  • Vows made in May were accepted
    Early advances to you were rejected
    This time around
    No morals could no be found
    Leaving broken hearts and pain as expected

  • More haiku (5-7-5)–they’re addictive:

    A sparkly turd
    Too many shit sandwiches
    Holy crap–get out!

    You are like the flu
    Make me dizzy and nauseous
    So glad when you’re gone

    My ex and her beau
    Two snakes fucking in pig shit
    Pretty much the same

    “‘Til death do us part”
    What the hell was I thinking?
    Rats don’t keep their word!

    Divorce is painful
    How will I live without her?
    Much better, thank you

    The math a chump learns
    Addition by subtraction
    You are a zero

    You cheated for years
    I carried your dad’s casket
    Wouldn’t he be proud?

    If you had a soul
    It would smell like a diaper
    From baby Satan

    You cheated on me
    Then married a cold cheater
    Beep! Beep! Karma bus!

    You say I’m bitter
    But bitter can’t laugh this loud
    While flipping you off

  • Awesomeness! You’re all poets! A call out for more haiku.

    Absurd cheaterpants
    BMWs, bikes, whore
    You have too much stuff.

  • There once was a man named Bob
    Whose libido needed to throb.
    He found a redhead,
    And took her to bed.
    His Ex found her lawyer a job.

  • It must be that my sex drive is high
    that is why I must lie
    why cant you see
    that its all about me
    and Im forced to get some on the sly

  • There once was an idiot from Pittsburgh
    Who couldn’t keep his ugly mitts or
    Dick off the ladies
    He was terribly shady
    So I left that execrable shitsturd

  • You’re the most sexy man ever, she thinks.
    But from whence comes that horrible stink?
    Will she still think you’re all that
    while she’s scrubbing the scat
    from your undies’ skid marks in the sink?

  • We are all poets
    And did not know it!
    What else did we find
    That we were all blind
    To our cheating wives, husbands, partners.
    But alas, in what we knew
    We all grew
    Stronger.
    Blind no more!

  • Twenty-one year old
    homewrecker – you weren’t his first;
    why think you’re his last?

  • What My STBX Said to Me During “Reconciliation”

    “Why can’t I have both
    (a wife and a young mistress)?”
    Are you KIDDING me?!?

  • My life is falling apart
    Reconcile – where do we start?
    As I struggle and cry
    I soon wonder why
    I ever loved that old fart.

  • His ho-worker thinks that he’s great
    they fondle and kiss on their dates
    Thought the date’s in his car
    and they cant go to far
    Their love was destined by fate.

  • There once was a wife who was sick
    An unfaithful soul-sucking tick
    I told her “Get out,
    And what’s beyond doubt,
    For a c*nt, you’re really a prick.”

  • There once was a horny serial OW named Kim
    She enjoyed sex as much as the food she stuffed in
    Her blonde hair looked fried
    So horribly over dyed
    Worse than her ass so wide and cheeks less than slim

    • What’s with OW and the home hair dye brew? I think you’re describing the primo OW in my story… but you forgot the hair scrunchie.

      • Maybe it’s the same OW. 😉 The ex’s OW occasionally wore a scrunchy.

        According to the rumor mill, she really got around.

  • I married the love of my life,
    Ive been proud to be his wife
    Now he’s been cheating
    with the ho’s he’s been meeting
    To my heart, it cuts like a ….. really sharpy thingy that you use to cut stuff up.

  • “Nice guy” was only for show
    You passive aggressive asshole
    The children and me
    Will NOT be “plan B”
    I lied, sex was only so-so

  • Decision between your family or ho-worker is absurd
    You don’t abandon your children, have you not heard?
    I have filed for divorce
    Have fun with that whore
    Happy Valentines Day, you’re being served 🙂

  • I look like a model, but it don’t matter
    You must have wanted something fatter
    I have class
    while your tapping that ass
    Now your in the outfield and I’m the batter

  • You cheat, yet say I am to blame
    Doris’s a ho – yeah I know her name
    If I would put out
    You wouldn’t pout
    My god, have you no shame?

  • Chump Lady is keeping it real.
    Deception is not part of the deal.
    Trust that they suck,
    are total mindfucks
    and begin living your new life with zeal.

  • “No one does it better than me!”
    Boasted he to th’other she.
    It’s been 6 months for me
    And 5 months for she.
    He’s skilled only in his fantasy!

  • With her, you’re witty and fun
    You tell her that she’s shines like the sun.
    When you are with me
    all that I see
    Is you belching when supper is done.

  • He’s a cheater, this much is true
    So really, what can I do?
    Tie his dick in a knot
    then just let it rot
    as a divorce is what I pursue.

  • Sex with you, that is no more
    I busted you, now get out the door.
    You whine and complain
    you make me take the blame.
    But ya know, the sex was a chore.

  • You thought you were quite the enigma,
    Immune to the damaging stigma
    The other spouse found you out
    Discovered fling set a-route
    All for cheap thrills and smegma

  • Your moody, self-centered and vain
    You have brought me nothing but pain.
    So get the fuck out
    you two timing lout
    So I can get on with the that life that I’ll gain.

  • My rhyme is not meant to be crass
    But I loves me a nice piece of ass
    I thought I had this
    And marital bliss
    but instead it’s a whore with no class

  • Your affair was au fait accompli
    Nearly taking the life out of me
    But despite all of this
    Some of you I will miss
    But from the yoke of your shame I’m set free

  • Lies, bullshit, deceite.
    Lather, rinse and repeat.
    Oh you’re God’s gift to women,
    well my hope its a dimmin’
    But baby, I kept the reciept.

  • FOR SALE, I wife that can fuck
    Left two beautiful boys in a muck
    They are as strong as can be
    And will grow up thinking “meh”
    Exposing chainsaw man a lame duck

  • I’ve suffered your put-downs and digs
    My heart broken like so many twigs
    I thought you were better
    But you’re a whore to the letter
    And alas a fig tree bears figs

  • There was a biker named Jim
    who thought my life should revolve around him.
    I sure did my best
    to pass the “wife test”
    Now I just say “meh”

  • He so loves kissing his slut
    frankly, she looks like a mutt.
    I’d rather it be,
    if left up to me,
    to kiss a dead moose’s butt.

  • Poem to me from my STBX

    You know that you drove me away
    Were you sexier maybe I’d stay
    If only you’d praised me;
    To my pedestal raised me,
    I wouldn’t have gone out to “play!”

    It’s not my fault he said,
    That I jumped into OW’s bed.
    You bored me to tears,
    I went out for some beers,
    And I guess they went right to my (other) head.

  • So from me you decided to switch.
    You have left me for some younger witch.
    I know I’ll be just fine.
    Dignity is still mine.
    And Karma is really a bitch.

  • Chump lady is a very strange name
    But man she on her game
    She serves it straight up
    To cheaters that hump
    So good that they have no one to blame

  • You said I was much too controlling
    So for others you stayed out late trolling
    Now you’ve caught one it seems,
    Found the girl of your dreams
    Through divorce court your head will be rolling

  • Her man, he comes from New Zealand
    His dick, in need of some semen
    He swallows drug called Viagra
    So she things she is in Niagara
    But really she’s made me a freeman

  • You didn’t like crab cakes for Thanksgiving
    And didn’t think I made much for a living
    You treated me like a doormat
    Because you really are an asshat
    Besides excuses are just quibbling

    • You can have me for crab cakes anytime. What kind of freak doesn’t like crab cakes, on Thanksgiving or any day?

  • CL,

    You are a genius! This is just the kind of “brute force” psychotherapy/esteem building at which you excel. What’s best is that you are ridiculing the n-people who chumped their spouses. N-people take themselves so seriously. They did what they did because they had “unmet needs,” because they “worked so hard,” because “the pressure was so great,” because…etc. etc.

    What you are doing is skewering these self-serious morons with much-deserved ridicule. You are also giving your readers a space to really “re-see” (see again, to re-envision) those n-people in a way much closer to reality, and to have fun doing it! In any case, CL, your idea of “poetry therapy” deserves great praise. Well done!

    Well done!
    Said the chump son,
    To the famous CL,
    Whose website he knew well,
    And from which he learned,
    How not to be burned…..

    Well, I need work on my poetry skills, but your work here is great!

  • I replaced the ex just fine
    with a cute puppy found online
    kept me warm at night
    and never did bite
    Clearly a more pure bloodline

  • I once looked at you with love in my eyes
    But you went off to chase butterflies
    You porked a ho-worker
    and then hold me a tear jerker
    But now all I see are your lies

  • You told me the fault was mine
    but Chump Lady was so kind
    to tell me the fact
    that its you who are whack
    and now you no longer shine

  • There once was a cheat near Nantucket
    Found a ho-bag — decided to fuck it
    They lied and they cheated,
    Betrayed, and manipulated.
    Now he’ll learn what it’s like to be Meh.

  • Brunette, Redhead, Blonde
    Of all of them is he fond
    His dick must be serviced
    He’s not even nervous
    About all the women he’s conned

  • Sexting, Porno, Affair
    All tempting like an eclair
    Normal people resist
    But he must persist
    In getting laid elsewhere

  • How could I be blind for so long
    While he was out making use of his schlong
    I was working night shift
    When he gave her a lift
    In MY car! He is so wrong

  • The narcissist was intense
    Many affairs he would commence
    But I’m leaving him now
    Just want to say “ciao”
    I am no longer on the fence!

  • He thinks he’s so good at deceiving
    What a web of lies he’s been weaving
    He’s not as smart as he thinks
    I found his email links
    And now, I will be leaving!

  • You said that the jewelry was only from JC Penney
    Oh, that was start of your lies which were many
    You said the cheapness of the bling
    Meant it really wasn’t anything
    But I say go to Hell, you & your whore Jenny

  • My man can’t keep it in his pants
    Our relationship never had a chance
    He works so hard but not at his job
    Finding new chicks to polish his knob
    There will be no more “pick me” dance

  • AirTran and Southwest are his hunting grounds
    With multiple flight attendants he gets around
    I work all day while he has sex
    It’s the reason he is now my ex
    My freedom I have found

  • He frequents all the dating sites, ‘Ashley Madison’ is a fave
    For all those married hookups he really seems to crave
    He’s busy juggling relationships, telling each she is the one
    It all seems like so much work, don’t know how he thinks it’s fun
    On my own again after 13 years, it’s time for me to be brave

  • The state of my life is a bummer
    ‘Cause he couldn’t resist a good hummer
    Our relationship has concluded
    The truth he has eluded
    He marches to a different drummer

  • My wife doesn’t love me anymore
    So I’m always seeking a side fuck whore

    You did what? Told your husband?
    You fucking bore!
    It’s supposed to be our dirty little secret!
    Now I can’t trust
    you anymore!

    *sigh* Off I go in search of another!
    You were never REALLY unlike any other.
    You’re all interchangeable.
    Didn’t you know? A side fuck HO is a side fuck HO.

    All that matters is they play the same game
    Lie, deceive and be emotionally lame.

    So thanks for nothing you truth telling loser!

    Sincerely,

    A life long emotional abuser

  • When you found her you really got pumped,
    in your car the two of you humped,
    you stayed with me for cake
    acting lovingly fake
    but good-bye, I am done being chumped.

  • Don’t give me this crap.
    “Forgiveness imperative?”
    I don’t wish you dead…

  • Think I don’t get you?
    You’re not edgy, just plain dull.
    Now where’s that knife…?

  • Oops CL, remove the contraction in “where’s? Thanks, Bede
    PS: I could go on and on with Haiku form… But I’m past my limit for lurking here today. I love you, but too much Chump Lady is not good meh! (for me…)

  • It must be a lonely existence
    That they chase with such persistence
    My lesson was learned
    I’ll no longer be burned
    By lies told with such insistence

  • I could not comprehend
    How badly my heart you would rend
    It’s all out in the open
    I must quit my mopin’
    To myself, now, I must tend

  • He found an old flame on facebook
    And knew he loved her with one look
    So he’s divorcing me
    But now I can see
    That I gave and he just took

  • “OK, take a bow…
    Great! Now take another bow…
    Now, go take a hike!”

    (Guitar player in my old band used to say this to people who jumped up on our stage and just haaad to sing… I think it could apply to cheaters too.)

  • “Truth blows. It’s a fact.
    How blind did I have to be?
    Truth blows – No contact…”

  • You took your time and shopped online
    for that Crack whore / Coke whore
    YOU called her that, not me.

    But when it came to Christmastime,
    you rushed out and to get me
    nothing but a Mr. Coffee.

    What were you thinking you idiot?
    I already have a Cuisinart!

    15 years down the drain.
    Valentine’s Day? Skip it, dude!
    I can obviously do much better than you.

  • Here we go:

    beloved wedded spouse
    now a brain fogged louse
    courted an old flame
    but she found him too lame
    so now I am getting the house

  • I thought I had won the prize
    But she was the devil in disguise
    Now I’m left with the memories
    and all the sudden insecurities
    Think I’m done being one of the nice guys

  • Life with you & our kids was a dream
    I felt like the cat that’d got the cream
    until you left us at Xmas
    and spent it with your mistress
    now all my heart does is scream

  • So moist and tasty,
    Fluffy whipped cream, red cherries.
    POP! Divorce is served.

    Off topic: For Valentine’s Day, I bought myself a box of chocolates. STBX says that my Valentine’s Day gift is on its way. This would normally be fine, since any time Valentine’s has fallen in the work week, we’ve always put off celebrating until the weekend. Also, this year he actually managed to get me something that I’d like (sub-$100 cappuccino maker). Bonus to him for spotting both the need and recognizing my desires. Unfortunately, I have been looking through his purchases, and found out that the OW is getting silver jewelry. Also, messages suggest that they’ll be able to see each other tonight. I’d say he’s a son of a bitch, but his mother was cheated on by his father. What a piece of work!

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