Adult Children of Divorce Wonder Why Mom Can’t Be Happy for Them When They’re with Dad
Her adult children of divorce wonder why she can’t be happy for them when they’re traveling with Dad and his former affair partner. Why should they have to walk on eggshells?
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Dear Chump Lady,
I’m writing for a friend and I’m wondering if you had advice for her?
When my friend’s kids were young, her husband left her for the Other Woman and left the country. Her ex and Schmoopie moved around the globe and took her kids on fancy trips. He was what I call a ‘cruise’ dad.
He paid child support that he thought was fitting but she never had access to his financial records.
My friend worked full-time, watched her money, cut corners, and lived a somewhat stressed filled life being the soul caretaker of 3 young kids with their own issues.
He mostly saw them for vacations; he did zero of the heavy lifting.
He and Schmoopie were beyond entitled and unbelievably lacking in empathy throughout the years.
Good news: My friend is happily remarried.
But she is dealing with her children who are now in their twenties and moved out, saying things like when they were younger, my friend wasn’t interested in hearing about the great times they had on holidays with their dad and the OW. They are saying they felt like they couldn’t fully express themselves around her.
Her kids don’t seem to realize that my friend did the best she could under trying circumstances.
They do not give her much grace.
She keeps beating herself up about this and other little things.
Do you have any suggestions as to what she can do to feel better about her parenting as a single mom?
Any advice at all would be helpful.
Thank you,
Friend to a Chump Who Was a Great Mom
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Dear Friend to a Chump Who Was a Great Mom,
Yes. I have advice. Try sarcasm and shame. Mothers have been employing these tactics for millennia.
Here’s a script:
Ungrateful child: I wish I could fully express to you the wonderful time I had snorkeling in Aruba with Dad and Schmoopie when I was 14.
Mom: I could’ve gone to Aruba, but I chose to work a second job to pay for your braces.
Ungrateful child: Schmoopie took me to get my ears pierced!
Mom: I raised you and your siblings unassisted while working a full time job. But Schmoopie paid someone to shoot a stud through your ear. Samesies!
Ungrateful child: I feel like I have to censor my feelings about Dad and Schmoopie around you.
Mom: I actually censor my feelings about Dad and Schmoopie around you. Would you like to change that dynamic? You tell me about Aruba and I tell you about his hooker habit?
Gee, Tracy, that sounds so anger and bitter of you.
Really? I think it sounds like hitting your adult children with a dose of reality. But we’re all so baked into the narrative of conscious uncoupling and Forgiveness of All Sins, it’s apparently transgressive to mention — when provoked — WHY we are no contact with our exes.
It doesn’t take great amounts of empathy to conclude that the reason mom doesn’t want to talk about dad’s fabulous vacations is the INJUSTICE. Mom did all the (literally) thankless show-up work and Dad swans in with a trip to Disneyland. Hey Brenda, while we’re on the subject of feelings, HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MADE YOUR MOTHER FEEL?
(sniff) Would it be too much for her to be happy I got a stuffed Aristocat kitten, Marie? And she had a pink ribbon?
YES IT WOULD.
You’re 26 f*cking years old. When you’ve raised three children on one paycheck, get back to me.
SSSSSHHH! No anger! MUST NOT ALIENATE THE CHILDREN!
They’re adults. Do not raise this sh*t unless you’re prepared for the hard receipts of what it cost to raise you financially and emotionally.
My friend worked full-time, watched her money, cut corners, and lived a somewhat stressed filled life being the soul caretaker of 3 young kids with their own issues.
She’s a hero.
But also, this was never a fair fight. Of course she was stressed and cash-strapped. She didn’t start the life adventure of three children thinking she’d be doing this solo. She had to adapt and overcome. Only to be resented it for it later.
That’s why, CN, it’s important to get the best damn divorce settlement you can and enforce child support. In a just world a man with three children to raise and put through college does not have the financial margin for “cruise” life. Because the STATE would enforce economic parity on the childrearing.
Enough with my pipe dreams…
He mostly saw them for vacations; he did zero of the heavy lifting.
And so the unfairness is baked in. Mom does the labor. He does the fun stuff. Her work is reliable. His appearances are rare and precious. Ergo, he’s worth more.
The fine line we chumpy, show-up parents are forced to walk is doing for our children without broadcasting HEY I DO A LOT FOR YOU. (I think Democrats have the same messaging problem.) And not toppling over into bitterness. Passively expressed as: HEY! WHY HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED HOW MUCH I DO FOR YOU?!
You know who’s not walking on a tightrope? The f*ckwit.
Missed a spot.
But she is dealing with her children who are now in their twenties and moved out, saying things like when they were younger, my friend wasn’t interested in hearing about the great times they had on holidays with their dad and the OW.
Children of divorce have their own sorrows. I want to recognize that. The divided sense of loyalty, the not wanting the particulars of the acrimony. But I also wonder if we recognized infidelity as abuse if some of these expectations that we forgive and be friends wouldn’t dissipate.
My advice to Brenda, the made-up daughter in this situation: Don’t tell mom she missed a spot. She did 99 percent of the job, but in this one area — exulting with you about the good times with Schmoopie — she failed. You can blurt out your feelings on social media. Or in a therapist’s office. Put it in perspective, okay? But don’t lay this sh*t at mom’s feet.
Dad is the one who walked out for his affair partner.
All your icky feelings about why we can’t be friends belong THERE.
They are saying they felt like they couldn’t fully express themselves around her.
Oh get over that. No one fully expresses themselves to their parents. And vice versa. Do you really want to listen to the finer points of my father’s ham radio obsession? Or my uncle’s Fox News talking points? Do you think the older generation wants to listen to you natter on? Find some common ground and just show up. Do something together. Weed a garden. Bake cookies. Raise a grandchild! Oh, there’s an idea, Brenda. What’s that? You’re opting out of having children? Then perhaps you should STFU about your mom’s parenting.
Her kids don’t seem to realize that my friend did the best she could under trying circumstances.
Feel free to pull them aside and explain it.
They do not give her much grace.
She can give that grace to herself. Single moms are HEROES.
She keeps beating herself up about this and other little things.
F*ck that. Trumpet your accomplishments, Mom. Exult in how much adversity you’ve overcome. Walk with SWAGGER.
Do you have any suggestions as to what she can do to feel better about her parenting as a single mom?
Shut those kids down the minute they whinge or compare. You don’t have to listen to that crap. Then change the subject and do something pleasant together. Don’t let FWs steal the narrative or steal your joy.
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I get this 100%, I am not the fun parent, living a life of full-time work and part-time school just make enough to survive, yet I am of two minds on this. You could shame them and further strain the relationship; they were kids then and didn’t fully understand. Or have a discussion about it and see where it goes.
I get it, it sucks having to listen to how much fun they have with the other parent, yet I know that I have to listen because they pick up on that stuff. When they become adults and ask questions, that is when I discuss what happened.
I get that. And I also get that it’s okay to not be a doormat with your children. They don’t owe us. They didn’t ask to be born. Yes, but the imbalance of who does and did what and why things ended should be OBVIOUS to an ADULT. So, I find it pretty galling that this adult child (admittedly via second hand reporting) is grousing that they can’t share all their warm fuzzies about Dad and his affair partner with Mom. Buy a clue. Have some gratitude. JMHO.
I am with Tracy on this. There is a difference in how you discuss the causes and fallout of cheating and divorce when talking to children vs. vs young adult. My two sons were in their last two years of High School when the cheating and divorce happened. I tried to avoid talking about their mother with them. But after they were out of the house a few years they brought up how their mom told them I was unfair to her in the divorce settlement. I bluntly said that their mother initiated the divorce and had assumed how it would turn out. We both had attorneys and negotiated the terms that were not dictated by state law. She may be disappointed, but tell me how it was unfair? I think they were a little shocked to hear a version different than what they were spoon fed by their mother. We continued to get along fine and enjoy each other’s company. I think it is important to treat your older kids as adults and let them process events the same way.
It’s why I advocate for a discussion; I would look at guilt and not shame. Apologizing, and taking ownership for my past behaviors went a long way to create a stable relationship with my boys and to be able to hit them with doses of reality.
I agree. Either you shame them, which will push them away, or you deal with it otherwise. When I was barely getting food on the table and had bought them each one Christmas gift, Dad sent them $1,000 checks. I may have the amount wrong, but it was absurdly imbalanced that year.
The key, though, was that I acknowledged the imbalance to myself and didn’t pretend that it wasn’t there. I stuff my feelings a lot, but that time, no. I called a dear friend, and she took me for coffee. I emotionally vomited all over her, and I was fine.
Years later, they have commented on imbalances like that. They know that you can’t buy love and that love is about action, not words. But that type of processing takes a while.
Why is it “shame” to state facts like “I paid for your braces.” In response to all the Wonders Dad Has Gifted them? I prefer to think of this as “perspective.” Frankly, I prefer to avoid discussing the FW parent altogether. But if asked? If complained to? If provoked? The kid would get two barrels full from me.
I think age is an important factor here. Maybe a teenager cannot be expected to appreciate things like braces (and the money that went into them), but an adult child absolutely could.
Of course, it’s situational.
yeah I also have 3 kids – their Dad hid some income during the divorce and has even more now — he took the kids to italy flies them around places, definitely holiday dad….but the funny part is they still have to go there with him and he sucks lol Also as they get older and ask for any financial support for college or post college — they are noticing how little he will help them despite renting 3 houses, flying his schmoopie around the world multiple times a year. The trips were really all about him and the money is all for him and his affair partner –It is an unjust system
My daughter is 30, and yeah, life isn’t fair. It definitely wasn’t fair to me.
Honestly, when she was younger, I used to envy single moms. They did everything I did, except they didn’t have an opinionated blowhard knowitall husband micromanaging them and second-guessing every last thing they ever tried to do.
I don’t have reassuring words of wisdom here. I think betrayal trauma has a cost well beyond the spousal relationship, and part of that is that my relationship with my own daughter has been undermined. I do the best I can, and that’s all I can do.
I’m dealing with this as I write. I gave the adult child three truth bombs of why his assumptions of “we both didn’t want to divorce” and that “we both stopped communicating” were incorrect. Adult child took them straight to Cheaty McLiarface and came back to announce that I had slandered Cheaty. Since Cheaty is promising financial support to the heavily indebted adult child and spouse it shouldn’t have been a surprise. But it still hurts when the child you were the show up parent for calls you a liar. Lesson learned, moving forward.
When the house is figuratively on fire, there are those who don’t want to interrupt high tea and exit the building.
I believe in yelling FIRE! but don’t waste time trying to convince those who want to continue along as if everything is JUST FINE! to follow me out.
You can’t control what kids/adult kids think and feel, but you can let them know you don’t want to hear about it and why.
My daughter was ten when Traitor Ex left. He eventually bought a place in town backed up to a popular open space where I often hiked. I had to avoid that area, so when she wanted to go on hikes there, I didn’t hesitate to tell her why I wanted to avoid that place.
She eventually decided she did not want anything to him because of his behavior, so thankfully I have been spared this incredibly sucky effed up loyalty issue.
My sincere condolences to any betrayed person navigating this. I’m lucky we have excellent therapists who have helped my daughter and me with all the infidelity radioactive fallout, and I would
never consider trying to figure it out without them.
♥️
PS….I am extremely grateful that we did have a great therapist who had a front row seat during the so-called marriage. At first after DDay it felt like a huge waste of time and money, but it turned out to be an invaluable gift.
Daughter and I still see that same therapist. She is a living record of the facts of what actually happened, so we have always had a place to debrief and discuss (and debunk!) what her dad tells her, and deal with new issues with him as they arise. Thanks to her, his attempts to rewrite history, blameshift, and charge me with parental alienation have failed spectacularly.
Eight years later, I am so thankful we have a place to process what goes on with a trusted competent therapist with whom we have a long solid relationship.
Well, we all know our mother‘s place is in the wrong . frankly, these adult children are showing the same level of entitlement and lack of empathy that their father demonstrated. I would advise your friend to smile sweetly and say to these adults, I am pleased you had a lovely holiday with your father, unfortunately at the time you wished to discuss this with me I was just too busy washing your clothes, cooking your meals, making your beds, cleaning the home, taking you to school and working a full-time job to keep the roof over your head. I was also doing the best I could to show how much I loved and cared for you with these actions, and with my words and emotions. At the time you wished to talk to me about your holidays, I did not want or need to hear about how your wonderful Disney dad and his companion were treating you. The hurt your father caused me with his cheating and lies was too much of an additional load to carry. I’m sorry you felt that way at the time, but as an adult I hope you understand how I felt and cut me some slack. Now I would like to change the subject. Thank you for sharing that with me now what would you like to drink? End of conversation. Do not feel guilt, there’s nothing to feel guilty about.
This is a tough one.
My kids never talk about FW+AP around me. Ever. I’ve never said anything, but I don’t ask them about their time with them and they have just picked up on the vibe. I just found out last week (by overhearing something) that they’ve all been to Bali together twice. (Which FW should have notified me about since it’s foreign travel, but whatever). I think the kids find it a little difficult, but it’s not actually a rule: they simply observed that I didn’t want to know.
I am not surprised that younger kids wouldn’t be sympathetic, but 26 is starting to get to the age where I’d expect the kids to have experienced (or seen) some bad behavior / bad breakups in their peer group, and have some sympathy for the mom.
I think just keep on keeping on, and at some point the kids will realize “oh, Dad didn’t *have* to do what he did – he *chose* to do it to Mom and to us. That must have been tough on Mom”. Maybe they’re just late bloomers?
I did make the mistake over Easter, during a discussion of the meaning of “gaslighting”, of using a personal example of their mother’s behavior during the affair. It was uncomfortable and I’m pretty sure the kids didn’t want to hear it. I honestly think it’s better for kids *and* Mom for there to be some discretion.
While 26 is certainly adult enough to have more sympathy, I think there’s some things you just don’t “get” about parenting until you become a parent yourself. Once you start raising a little human, all of the ways you were raised become re-framed (for better or worse).
Hm. I would think more that at some point cool-bummer-wow could get a little more real as kids become adults, but I don’t know about unleashing sarcasm. Mine are 20 23 26 and barely mention their dad to me. And I do my best to do the same. No vacations are being taken to my knowledge but at some point that is likely to change. I find it hard not to be able to talk openly with them about such a big part of their lives and mine – as an example, I know from other sources that my ex was already in a relationship after ending things with me AND with his long time affair partner in one fell swoop a year ago. And I want to know if they have met her! But am hanging onto the if it feels good don’t do it mantra which seems to apply in this case. Just another shit sandwich – the distance between me and my kids about their dad- that I didn’t make but have to eat.
That is exactly how I feel! I just found out that my ex is engaged and I want to know if my kids even know or have met her. But the kids don’t talk to me about their father. And I don’t talk to them either. And it’s awkward. Also when my daughter was buying a new car I was wondering if her Dad was going to give her any car advice. His mom was in an accident and I was helping her but also wondering what he was doing for her ( so I wouldn’t accidentally bump into him at her house). And it does feel like a distance or a “secret” that you can’t discuss with the kids. I did ask my daughter if she knew where her dad was living ( because I found out he was buying a house) and she said she didn’t know “much.” But didn’t want to talk to me about it. Sigh.
I have found that most information comes your way on its own. Patience often pays off. It comes in unexpected ways as part of other conversations. I’ve also found that what will be well-received depends on the mood of the adult child and what is going on in the relationship with their dad. I try not to bash, but we have had some difficult conversations. I was surprised to hear that the stupid sh*t he did to me, he also did to his kids. It’s a long game and, while we want to be there for our children at all ages, I think CL’s point about speaking up for ourselves is a good one. I like the idea of framing it as giving them perspective rather than shaming. (But I must admit the imaginary conversations with the ungrateful adult child make me chuckle.)