Here’s a familiar scenario: A chump, distraught over impending divorce, will worry about the kids. Invariably, the cheater blithely says, “Oh, don’t worry about the kids. Kids are resilient! They’ll adjust.” Meaning, they’ll adjust to the affair partner as their new step mom or step dad. They’ll adjust to new living arrangements, new holiday schedules, or a new school. They’ll suck it up and everything will be fine!
I hate it when cheaters say that.
Because… it’s true. Really, for the most part, over time, with one sane parent — yes, the kids will be fine. Yes, it will be painful as hell. Hopefully, everyone will get some therapy. And then, like it or not, the new order eclipses the old order, and the new order becomes new normal. Yeah, even if normal for the cheater and their new fuck friend du jour is chaos — the kids will adjust.
I know it’s unjust. Everyone chokes it down, and eventually puts themselves back together. What’s infuriating is that the cheater — the agent of chaos — sits smugly from the sidelines and pronounces it All For The Best. Like this Herculean thing you have accomplished — survival — is no big deal, really. All along they had a Master Plan. You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. They could see that everyone would really just sort things out — and hey, we should be friends. “I don’t understand your hostility.”
Even if your cheater is living in a HUD foreclosure in some crappy suburb, eating ramen noodles for dinner, and owes you months of back child support — things are fabulous with them. Really.
Well, good. We were so worried. The only thing that matters is their happiness. (Vomit.)
It’s a pernicious sort of mindfuck. Making their narcissism seem like it was really altruistic of them. See how nicely you moved on? And the kids turned out okay?
Here’s the thing — you ARE better off without them. The kids WILL be okay, eventually. It still doesn’t make what they did okay. And it is ghoulish of them to imply that it does.
I dunno. I think it must be like when white people say “nigger.” YOU DON’T GET TO SAY THAT. White people? You are NOT the oppressed minority here. You, from your lofty heights of historic privilege, don’t get to use that word. It may never trip lightly over your tongue, do you understand? You don’t get to appropriate that experience! Back the fuck off!
Resilience? Survival? Chumps — you own those words. Cheaters? Back the fuck off.