Hi guys, today’s my birthday, so I thought I’d run last year’s column, which was rather popular — here it is — but then a better alternative appeared in my mailbox yesterday! It was a letter from Crista, who let me know how she’s doing 6 months on. She’s a meh master!
I love the inspiring letters — so when you’re further down the road to meh, hey, drop me a line.
I’m off to find pastries for breakfast — meanwhile, enjoy Crista’s “Message of Hope.”
— CL
Hi, Chump Lady.
I wrote to you back in April in a post titled “Why Won’t He Admit It?”
I was in dark place. I thought I could never, would never get to “meh” without some kind of admission, some kind of apology. I thought “meh” just wasn’t going to happen for me. I was WRONG!! I have crossed some magical bridge into the land of Meh and it is exhilarating and empowering. I feel amazing. Here is how I got there.
First, I had to clear my head. I sent my 3 small kids (9,3, and 5 months) to stay with my parents in Ohio for 10 days. I was alone in my house in Florida and I took full advantage of it. I never sat at home. I went out for coffee, went to dinner by myself, to the mall, etc. I met several people along the way who became great friends.
I CLEARED my head. I got some distraction. No washing bottles, no making PB&J, no laundry, no one pulling on my leg or asking me 1000 questions a day. It’s amazing what your mind can do when it has time to be clear.
I also met “someone.” A guy. A very nice guy who is also getting divorced, has 4 kids, and thought I was great. I didn’t think that was possible. If my narcissist didn’t think I was good enough, no one will think I am good enough. And who would want someone with 3 small kids? Well, my new guy did. We dated for a few weeks and he provided much needed distraction too. I felt alive again. And suddenly, I could care less about my jackass cheater. When he came over to get the kids, instead of getting mad or feeling inadequate (am I as pretty as the OW? Is he comparing me to her right now?), I looked right through him. He didn’t affect me at all. No anger, no hate. Just a peacefulness in my heart. I had reached “MEH”!! Talk about a huge weight off of your shoulders.
In the last couple of weeks I ended things with my new guy and I still am at glorious “Meh.” You can be at Meh and not have a boyfriend. I am extremely happy where I am. And I am actually glad that my ex did this to me because now I have a chance at a life I want. I am so hopeful for the future for myself and my kids. I know we are going to be okay. Better than okay and out of the grasp of that controlling narcissist ass.
So all of you who are feeling desperate and lonely and crushed and hopeless — I get it. I was there. But it DOES get better! I promise. Hang in there. Clear your head when you are ready. And get ready for the Glorious Place of “Meh”!!
Thanks, Chump Lady!
Crista
Good read to start the day Happy B Day CL Although still living with H I am slowly reaching some stay of MEH. It vasilates from day to day but everyday he reveals himself to be more of a A hole then I believed possible. Now I am going to rant to get it out of my system. H started taking a medicine he has to take 4x a day. Packed 2 pills in his lunch with a note stating times to be taken. Comes in before he leaves telling me I am stupid because it is 4x when he is awake not4 x in 24 hours. Please help me Lord I am only a health care provider.
Stop packing pills for him and doing for him. Detach! It helps with the meh. Then he’s got nothing to bitch to you about, how you’re not doing it right.
Yep, I enabled my STBX for several years even AFTER he left me for the OW. Calling him at 5 AM to make sure he took his passport on the flight, because he was giving a lecture in Canada, which is NOT the US. Reminding him to get the oil changed in his car. Just yesterday I had to force my hand NOT to click “send” on an email to remind him to pay the car insurance, which has been due on October 11 for the last 23 years. Old habits die hard, but it sure feels great to pat yourself on the back each time you find yourself ceasing that old co-dependent behavior, Janet! (And I mean quite literally to pat yourself on the back — it’s a great yoga pose for those of us who are hunched over, bearing the weight of the world on our shoulders.)
Oh I know CT,
My therapist says I may as well have “Caregiver” tattooed all over my body because I’ve done it my whole life…It’s lovely now to read a book without having to shut the bedroom door, put earplugs in and not feel guilty! Towards the end before I changed the locks I had to keep telling him “I’m NOT your Mother”. We’ll get there…:/
Yes, by all means stop packing him his pills. If he drops dead, you don’t have to go through the whole expense of hiring an attorney.
Okay, so that’s really cynical, but I can feel your pain, Janet. My STBX refuses to take responsibility for his diet, but has been on blood pressure meds since his 20s and is now pre-diabetic. His colonoscopy revealed a precancerous polyp. His dietary preferences are very limited, but before Dday, I’d have bent over backwards to find ways to cut carbs from his diet (tough, since he doesn’t like a lot of different meat proteins and won’t eat many of the veggie alternatives), sneak in more varied veggies, and add fiber.
Now, I don’t care. He needs to take charge of his own diet. I wouldn’t wish colon cancer even on STBX, but it’s up to him to decide to take control over what he eats.
Letting go of this aspect of our relationship has been liberating!
Not only a “health care provider” , you are a ” cake provider”.
Reaching “Meh ” while packing his lunch & meds ?
Please.
how true Texan I need to be slapped in the face after23 years of doing for him it is the hardest habit to break.
It happens to most of us, Janet. After filing for divorce, my STBXW moved into another home we owned. It was on a big corner lot, so I just assumed i should mow the lawn. I did this for a couple of months before someone finally gave me a good 2×4 and said, “She fucked around on you for years and screwed up your kids and devastated you emotionally and financially. You don’t need to do that woman’s YARDWORK.”
Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else that your obligations to the cheater have ended.
Janet you just have to STOP! I get it – I still live with the future ex but I am telling you – stopping EVERYTHING that you do for him is a giant leap towards meh. The first thing I did was stop doing his laundry. That was a very noticeable change. I stopped cooking enough dinner for him. I stopped reminding him of anything! I’m closer to finalizing the divorce every day and while i’m not at Meh completely, I am absolutely getting there – and it all starts with stopping doing any thing for him. You’ll get back lash for it but why would you do any of the niceties for someone who clearly expects it and doesn’t appreciate it. Even if it comes to his health. And even then – get someone in his family to take over.
I stopped buying as much food, and even threw the toaster away! I think that finally got his attention…so much shock and hurt over a $10. Toaster, when he asked me “WHY” ????!!! I simply said “I don’t eat toast”. In his eyes that was worse than him screwing around.
Toaster revolution!
That’s such a telling detail. OMG. Yes, how dare you pitch the toaster? W.T.F. Narcissist freak.
Heh. I threw the coffee maker away today. It was huge, unwieldy and I don’t drink coffee so since I’m moving I’m dumping anything that doesn’t suit my needs. I plan on getting a small cheap one for when guests are over but boy did it feel good to chuck it out. 🙂
I would have been tempted to throw the toaster/coffee pot at his head!!
I would be tempted to replace his pills with placebo. Or maybe strychnine.
Strychnine – LOL!
Made me think of “Cell Block Tango” from “Chicago”:
They had it coming, they had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
Glad,
I helped my WS with his “pills,” I flushed several hundred dollars worth of Levitra down the toilet and replaced them with his look-alike antihistamines. I can’t attribute that to co-dependency tho…..
I should have typed my “X”. He was a WS at the time I “adjusted” his meds.
LOL, that’s awesome!
That is AWESOME!
Um, Janet? Really? You’re packing a grown man’s lunch after he cheated on you?
Stop doing that. Stop doing anything for him. He’s still abusing you. Can’t you get your own place and live in peace, if you’re a healthcare provider?
Janet, reserve your good for someone who cares. Do nice things for someone who deserves it.
I folded mine’s underwear. Even as I was packing his stuff to move him the hell out. Someone said “Why aren’t you just putting it in trash bags on the lawn?
Sometimes we need a good slap of sense.
I would have packed for him alright. I would have stuffed everything into one giant suitcase, but sprayed them with a little sugar water too, so they’d end up wrinkled beyond the repair of even an iron.
I started to do that stuff, then got furious, went out and bought the thinnest, cheapest, store-brand bags I could find, overpacked them with the heaviest things of his and then watched while each one broke open when he picked them up. What I didn’t pack – and he didnt’ pick up in a few months – went straight into the bin. It was particularly satisfying to throw away shit we’d been moving around for years that he NEVER EVER looked at or used.
I put all my STBX’s clothes in those charity collection bags that get pushed through the letterbox.
I lined the kitty’s litter box with his jacket, one that I had seen both him and the OW wear, left it there overnight, then shook it out real good, sprinkled it with some white pepper, then packed it with the rest of his stuff.
Toni, I love your imagination! Hope they liked that! The only thing I did, when I came back to our home after 5 months at my Mom’s, was burn one of AP’s shirts on the front lawn with lighter fluid. Just for myself, a tiny righteous bonfire of FU.
Yes, a good slap of sense! I’m not quite at the point of leaving, but in the meantime, I am not going to be his caretaker anymore. Thank you for the slap!
you guys are really all the greatest. Really do have a plan. Next week putting my name in at a local complex that accepts pets. Then talking to my lawyer. After I get a lease I can get the ball rolling. Do not want to be around when he finds out what having the love of his life move in with him is going to cost.
Haha! Yes, the best revenge is to let them have their fantasy become their reality. Somehow, the star-crossed lovers “us against the world” doesn’t work as well when they discover the only thing they had in common was the shared thrill of deceit!
CL, you keep creeping me out! Once again, did the same exact thing! Cleaned all his dirty clothes in the week between kicking him out and him coming to get all his stuff. Yep, folded and all.
I should have burned them.
my only contribution is; his mother came for his shit twice and I just wanted everything of his out of my house even tho he bought most of it on our dime. So to anyone currently going through this – fuck it, sell his shit on craigslist. After I realized this was easy I sold everything left . It was easy – my ex was trying to take everything I had so if yours is being reasonable then obviously do not do this.
Read my reply above, the kitty’s cleaned his jacket “real well” for him and her!
did same thing…. I even went and bought him a new set of dishes so he had something decent for the kids when they went over…
Opps I meant STATE of Meh poor typing skills!
Happy Birthday, Chump Lady! Enjoy the pastries, your delightful husband, your life. And this day.
Thanks! It’s starting off with a bang. My husband just brought me pastries. Swoon.
Happy birthday, Chump Lady! Thanks so much for all you do for us chumps. Such a beautiful gift in the photo above! You are blessed.
P.S. I think you and I have the same vintage tastes. :o)
🙂 I like old stuff. Good thing, ’cause I’m old.
Happy Happy Birthday Chump Lady. You have been an amazing gift. I hope your year is filled with all of the gifts that you deserve. (((HUG)))!
A very very Happy B’Day to You, Tracy!
Happy Birthday, Chump Lady!
You are awesome! Thanks so much for this site!!
hey…where’s your Chump Lady coffee cup??
Happy birthday! Is that a pinecone elf next to the vase?
Why yes it is! A recent addition to the pine cone elf collective. This one has a sombrero. Good eyes. You and Colleen could dominate the Highlights seek and search.
Happy Birthday!!
Thanks for being you! So glad you were born!
Hi Crista and CL:
Thanks for sharing your amazing letter and proof that the power is really in ourselves and our minds and hearts! We can choose what we want for ourselves and by ourselves. The power is and always will be ours. YAY!
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CL and for making me hungry. You are the best and wishing you all the good you deserve and bring to everyone here!!!
Deborah
Crista, in reading through remarks one thing became strikingly clear: you’re living in the now, and doing so with gratitude. That is where, I believe “meh” begins. We learn to discard our resentment and anger and focus on what we do have in our lives, and not what we don’t.
It’s been a year since I broke it off with my personality disordered cheater and went “no contact.” I fended off her onslaught of months of attempted communication, changed my phone number, blocked her from facebook, changed my email address etc…and, still, it was wretching…and in many ways still is occasionally. At the time of D-day, I was downsized out of my career, lost my home (798 credit rating), and little Miss loyalty was screwing some dick at work on the midnight shift for more than 6 months behind my back…what an emotional mess. But, one can and will get through it by completely cutting them off, if possible, and focusing on the now and showing gratitude for all the good in your life.
Congrats! And welcome to the “meh” club….
Chump Lady, who’s your adorable friend waiting for his/her cut of your birthday pastries, the ears are darling! And happiest of birthdays, you deserve it! Thank you for everything you do 🙂 and Crista, what a wonderful example you set – congratulations.
Hey, Colleen, you’ve got a pretty good eye — I had to go back to the photo and search for those ears! I bet you rocked at those kids’ magazines in the dentist’s office when you were a kid. What were they called ? …
High lights ?
Hilights for Children! And yes, I’m pretty good at that kind of useless skill. Plus I’m a rabid dog lover (and supporter of dog and cat rescue efforts) so I think that influenced it too 🙂
That would be Casper, our not-so-miniature schnauzer. He photo bombs every picture with food.
You have to admit that the ears are cute, though. At least he sits on the floor. My younger dog, a rescue BC whose house manners are a work in progress (a work set back due to STBX, who thinks jumping on the bed is cute one minute, and then not cute the next), would have jumped on the bed and told you that she is your best friend, EVAH, oh, and she’d like some of that pastry pretty p?lease
I have a Springer Rescue who admittedly, is spoiled – and never missed a meal – we chumps love our animals too – and they are forever faithful.
HAHAHAHA! Good for him, his ears alone are darling. And I do admire a good photo-bomber.
Happy Birthday CL! Hope you have a beautiful day!
Love reading your advice, always on point.
I’m pretty much to the point of MEH, I want to be completely there so bad, I can taste it!
I will get there… I will get there. I will get there!
Ladies, thank you for your great stories today! CL, Happy Birthday! What a beautiful day it is today on the east coast.
I would like to add a friend of mine to the list. She has a BD today as well and she did make it successfully to the State of Meh and better. Her story in brief – she was a very successful professional, a great mom to their son and a devoted wife. Husband got involved with a first grade narcissist (not that he is innocent, but she is a piece of A). My friend left husband after about 4 years of limbo and a year of chasing unicorns. She is now happily remarried and her precious baby girl will be 1 in a month. She had to change jobs during her dark years but is excelling at work again. Her now husband is the best partner one can ask for. Not that it matters, but he is better looking and younger than the first husband. He too is a great professional. As for the first husband, his life is a total mess, while he makes a pretty good amount of money, AP spends it very fast, so they live on loans from friends. She cheats on him with anyone and everyone that would agree. He refuses to see it. While not confessing or recognizing it, he fails badly in other aspects of his life as well.
That’s a great story about your friend. And a karmic reckoning for the cheater, there. Bring on the inspiration!
Thanks Crista for sharing your inspiring story. It’s been 2 years for me since D-day and although my ex is often in my thoughts I’m no longer tortured by memories of what could have been (after 36 years together). My prayer since D-day is that I could eventually look at him and feel nothing but gratitude for our beautiful children and everything I learned from our relationship. It still hurts sometimes, but mostly I’m pretty happy.
I’ve learned to love and value myself more. I’m thinking about my future and actually starting to enjoy living alone, working on projects in my little house. I’ve never been comfortable by myself, but now I actually crave “me” time. Hopefully we’ll all get to “meh” with encouragement from each other!
Thanks also to CL for your wonderful work here. I was telling a divorced friend last night that her latest boyfriend was a narcissist who fed her “word salad.” I recommended that she read the articles on chumplady.com so she can spot a narcissist next time. I think having fun terminology makes it easier to explain what living with a cheater/narcissist is like. The “pick me dance, untangling the skein, word salad,” etc. are terms that everyone can relate to.
Crista, your letter is amazing! It’s going to inspire me all day long, I know. Thanks so much for sharing your positive state of mind with the rest of us.
And a very happy birthday, Tracy.
I am so glad that I inspired you! That was my goal. 🙂
By the way, I wanted to tell everyone I’m reading “Resilience” by Elizabeth Edwards. It’s tough to read, but she weaves other people’s stories of inspiring resilience in with her own. It makes you realize that getting back up after a grief filled, life changing event is more important than what knocked you down.
Lyn – I read her book too – it is so inspiring, her message is so clear.
Crista, thank you for sharing your words of hope and encouragement. Your resilience inspires.
Chump Lady, Happy Birthday! You are, of course, our first example of resilience, strength, hope. Thank you for being there for the chumps.
Happy Birthday! Happy Pastry! Happy Schnauzer! (crumbs…? I’m being circled by a land-shark like Newfy as I type. No idea why 🙂 She would sell her grandmother for any bread product….).
Back to the Happies: Happy Successful Blog! Happy successful marriage! and motherhood! you deserve it all.
And thank you, for sharing your hard-learned lessons with the rest of us, and giving us a place to share with each other. It’s priceless.
Mostly, to one and all, Happy Meh…..
CL have a great Bday today.
Happy birthday CL!
Thanks for writing such an inspiring note Crista. At first I was like – oh no, I gotta find a new man to find ‘meh’?! Say it isn’t so…. But then I read on and I got to – ‘You can be at Meh and not have a boyfriend.’ Yay! Glad to hear it because I’m not at a point where I want to have a man in my life.
I hope you continue on your road to awesome.
Happy Birthday Chump Lady!! I wish I had extra (any) cash – I would definitely buy you the most expensive present I could find. You and this group of chumps rescued me from despair and sent me further along the road to recovery than I would have been otherwise. There are no words or presents that could ever repay you for this site.
Crista,
Thank you for your inspiration! You not only made lemonade out of lemons, you made pie and cake (the good kind) out of them too! It gave me such a lift today – thank you! I, too, hope to soon reach the promised land of Meh sooner rather than later.
Happy Birthday Tracy!.
Thank you for giving us all the gift of this site.
May you and your family continue to be blessed with much happiness.
You WILL reach it, Chump Princess! If I can do it, ANYONE can! I never thought it would happen. 🙂
First off — Happy Birthday, CL! Enjoy your day and your pastries!
Crista, thank you for the encouraging letter. Sometimes I think I will never get to meh. But I just keep on keepin’ on, and hope I am getting closer.
As you “Keep on keepin’ on” work on clearing your head. It’s so important. One day soon your EX won’t even enter your mind for days at a time. Can you imagine? I never thought so either. You are getting closer every day!! You WILL get to Meh! 🙂
Happy Birthday, CL! Thank you for being here – hope you have a most wonderful day!
Thanks for the letter, Crista! It was an inspiration!
And CL, have a happy birthday!
Happy Birthday CL!! I hope you have a wonderful day!! You’ve been a tremendous help to me.
I enjoyed reading the letter of inspiration. I have good days and not so good days. I’m only 5 months out but I do have to say that overall I am getting better. I am always impressed, and even a bit jealous, of those who have made it to “meh.” I haven’t yet. I’m working on it though!!
I am 6 months out. You can get to Meh soon. Like I said above, make a real effort to clear your head. That is key. You WILL get to Meh, and it is a glorious feeling!! Stay strong! 🙂
Happy Birthday CL – your site has saved me in soooo many ways. I truly know I wouldn’t be as far along as I am with out it so thank you thank you thank you!!!
As for inspiring stories – nicely done! I too have gone out and met new people and gotten involved in new activities. It has been amazing and led to some really cool things. What’s your interest – even if its silly – you’ll find something out there! For me it’s craft beer and that led to meeting groups to meeting people to knowing more about what goes into making beer to learning better descriptors to use while talking about beer to now – i’ve been asked to join a marketing group (on a per event basis – I have a full time job) who’s sole purpose is to educate the masses, distributors, etc about how and why female beer drinkers are very important and impactful customers! So you never know where your interests will take you!
I too also have have met someone because I knew I was ready to be able to date and not fall apart when it didn’t go wrong. Because one place I can say without a doubt where i’ve reached Meh is my marriage. I am at peace with my marriage ending (together for 23 years by the time the divorce is finalized – but married for half that), I’m about 3 weeks out from 1 year since d-day and while I know I have plenty of work to do to get to Meh about the OW, I have come so far and i’ve already planned a get away weekend that d-day weekend to make NEW memories so that d-day will be about something good.
I also can’t stress enough distance – time apart. GET OUT if you can. I have not had the luxury – I still live with teh future ex (but soon enough wont!) and that truly makes everythign fall apart faster. But I just enjoyed his 2 weeks absense while he was traveling and there have been other spells like that where you really do gain so much clarity when you’re not in the thick of things and each time you realize things have gotten a little easier. It’s been my son and I for 2 weeks, just us and it’s been fantastic! It’s also times like these where I can see that I do not miss the future ex anymore. But yes the betrayal still hurts and so like I said, I still have work to do. But seeing where I am not almost a year later – I cannot stress enough to everyone who is just in the beginning of their journey that YOU WILL GET THERE!!
Enjoy your birthday CL! Accept my gift of gratitude because your site just keeps on giving to me and the other chumps who have landed here. Thank you for your wonderful perspective and your ability to say it like it is.
Thank you Crista for the uplifting story. I truly needed it today. Just when I think I’ve conquered meh, that jerk just ruins it all. I wish there was another term for stbx because mine needs to be an EX ASAP! He continues to lie, he continues to gaslight, he is driving me crazy. I cried for an hour after a phone argument last night. Not because I was sad but because I am so frustrated!!!! 3 years since I filed and its still all about him. NO final divorce, using the kids as pawns. I just want to scream and kick him in the shins over and over and over. I have tried to do no contact and just email and text him. I ignore the phone calls and let it go to vm. But if he calls while he has the kids I answer. I never used to loose my temper, but I just can’t talk to him without getting angry. UGH. He is driving me crazy. Sorry for the rant ☹
Oh, Margo. I totally get what you are going through right now. He used to drive me INSANE. I would get so mad, so frustrated, so nuts!! As long as you know he is using the kids as pawns just let that be all you are concerned about. Expect him to lie. Expect him to use the kids. When he does it, shrug your shoulders and go “whatever”. He loves that he can still get to you. Once you get to Meh he is going to be shocked. He will probably even be nice. But you won’t care because you will be beyond it and him. Stay strong. Can you get away from the kids for even a few days so you can start to clear your head? That is so important. Good luck, stay strong, and KNOW that you WILL get to Meh!! 🙂
Happy Birthday CL! Thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s helped me through some dark days.
Thanks so much for all the birthday wishes. 🙂 To hear everyone getting to meh, especially Crista, is the best gift ever. Rock on.
Happy Birthday!
I would like to add my name and handle to the list of chumps who left Chumpville for the greener pastures of Meh and then kept going until they got to a brighter, happier place than Meh that I like to think of as “The Ride” 🙂
To paraphrase the late Bill Hicks:
“The world is like a ride. [It] goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud,
Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, ‘Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?’
‘Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride’ … we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice… between fear and love.”
Hope you are enjoying your ‘ride’ today 🙂 It’s only a choice.
I ADORE Bill Hicks! Thanks so much for quoting that. 🙂
Happy Happy Day Miss Tracy,
It’s people like you that make me believe that there IS still good in the world. Honestly don’t know where I’d be without you, my daughters send Happy Birthday wishes and love to you too! XOXOXOX
So Happy for you Crista! I am getting there, struggling with a bit of depression but I AM working on it, something I couldn’t have done 8 months ago and without CL. Keep us posted!
Hey Toni – thinking of you. Keep working at it. Know that we care about you.
Thank you, Toni! Yes, CL is amazing and got me through some very dark times. I wonder if I would be this far along without her. My guess is NO! 🙂
Happy Birthday, CL! Loved last year’s blog, which I missed.
Crista – very, very happy for you!
Thank you so much! 🙂
I love coming here and seeing all these success stories. We often talk about bad things our exes did to us, how hard it is to get through it and why cheaters suck so much. Which helps, because we can relate to each other.
But it is always nice to see the positive results of this. People reaching their Meh and having great lives whether they choose to be single or find a new, better partner. It’s uplifting to know that it’s not all gloom and doom and CL really helps.
I want to write in with my own success story.
Kara, I cannot wait until you tell us your success story. It is coming. 🙂
Crista… Yay for Meh! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am pretty well there myself, just waiting for the divorce to be finalized. You are an inspiration to so many. Keep us updated as you continue to build YOUR life.
CL – Happiest of happy birthdays to you. If anyone on this planet deserves pastries in bed, its you sista!!!!! I hope you are able to soak in the love coming your way. You have helped so many of us. I know you know this… but I think you need to hear it today, and every day. BIG BIRTHDAY HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
Dani, that is awesome. You don’t need the divorce to be “final” before you hit Meh. It really doesn’t matter. YOU are what matters. Stay strong and let me know when you are there!! 🙂
Happy Birthday, CL!
Great story, Crista. Thanks for sharing.
I am mostly at meh. I just get hung up every month or so expecting exH to take some personal responsibility for his actions that affect the kids, but of course he never will. He was a cheater, after all. And exH just added to his new family, little girl born this week (poor thing, the offspring of two cheaters). That hurts, as I wasn’t given the opportunity to start a new family; he could have left me years ago when I asked about us, etc, etc, but instead he waits until I am in my early 40s and past that point (not that I want any more kids, but I was not given the chance).
But, I have no desire to see him or be with him, and I just sent him an email telling him to stop oversharing with me… we are not friends. He wants to be (or act) like we are, as we were together for over 20 years, but it is not to be. Boundaries.
Maybe the fact that I felt the need to ask him to stop means I am not at “meh” but it felt good to say it.
Cheers to all, meh is achievable.
That was my fatal flaw … waiting for him to take responsibility. CL taught me that it will NEVER happen. I had to accept it and you need to as well. That is the first step. Then you need to clear your head. You WILL get to Meh! Stay strong and work on you and starting a new life with YOU as the main character, not him and his new baby or whoever. He has nothing to do with you or your new life. Clear him out of your head. Good luck and let me know when you get to that awesome place of Meh!!
This too is one of the things I still struggle with – that I haven’t gotten the apology I want and that even though I know he knows he was wrong, he hasn’t expressed it enough to my liking….hahahhahaha. For so long I kept lashing out because I needed him to see what he had done to me. I had to make him understand. Honestly, that need is still there – but I fight with all I have to keep it in because I know he will never see it the way I need him to. All he will see is that i’m all worked up again and it annoys him. I’m coming up on 1 year since d-day and i’ve written a 4 page letter of what he’s put me through for the last nearly 2 years and I keep adding to it – I fully intended to give it to him when I left for my get away weekend (to make new memories on that date) and while I still go back and forth, ultimately I won’t because I know giving him that letter will serve no purpose because even if it did ilicit the response I wanted, he likely won’t share it with me. I mean I had him served 3 weeks ago and he’s never let on once that he recieved the papers! It is sooooo hard to stop making them try to see it our way. At the same time, I’ve come so far and that’s why I can reason with myself and stop myself from handing that letter over. But writing the letter was a great thing to get alot of thoughts out of my head.
Yay to Crista! Thanks for sharing your story!
Happy Birthday CL! Have a wonderful day!
Thank you! I needed some light at the end of the tunnel!
Jane
Happy birthday CL! I believe you have saved many lives. You are a surgeon, and you excise sparkly turds so people can go on to live full and happy lives…just like Crista.
Happy birthday, Tracy. The chump’s world is a better place because of you. Thank you for doing the work you do.
Crista, thank you for your story. I, too, am pretty much “meh”. I’m now in a place where I wince when I recall all the years I spent with a cheater. But then it also immediately dawns on me that he’s gone, and then I can’t stop smiling.
God, I love that smile. That is huge, when you can smile because you are no longer stuck with him and you realize you get to live your own life. And you get a chance to be happy. Awesome smile. 🙂
Yes, happy birthday. Hope your entire day was as good as that brEakfast.
Happy birthday, CL. I hope that you had an awesome day. Thanks for giving me hope every day and helping me get that much closer to “meh”!
Happy Happy Birthday CL !!! We love ya!
Christa,
Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to all of us chumps on reaching indifference toward a cheating narcissist. You have tapped into your own inner power and strength. What I loved about your story is the importance of clearing your head and living in the now. It is so important to know that a person can rebuild and not necessarily be with another person to feel whole and be happy. However, when that time comes, you will be in the right frame of mind and heart. Meh is a great place to be. I am on my way. My divorce should be finalized soon.
“You can’t move on to the next chapter when you are too busy reading the last one.” Here’s to Meh!!!!!!! 🙂
Happy birthday Tracy! Hope you enjoyed your day today. I can’t thank you enough for your support here, humor, and writung style. I hope you realize how much good you are doing for others in starting and continuing this support blog. I do not write in comments section very often, but I read your blog faithfully (no pun intended.. But it works!). Good luck with your new aspiration to write your book. I will definitely send in a monetary contribution if it is possible to still do so.. When the book hits the shelves, I will be one of first to purchase it. Cheers to you!!!
I’m way past meh. I found out recently that my ex has been in critical care hospital for a month and is now being transferred to some physical rehab hospital type place. (his brother is my friend and has nothing to do with ex but mother told him, he told me) According to bro after that he is supposed to got back into a alcohol rehab.
This has been both good and bad for me to hear. The good: he is in no shape to hurt me, I can relax a bit. The bad: I feel like a horrible person because my first thought and the one I still have is that if he dies then I can be free of fear of him. It is awful to wish someone would die because it’s the only way you can stop feeling fear every time you see a car or motorcycle that looks like his. I have n alarm system only because of him, my neighborhood is very safe. It makes me feel bad that I want him to die so I can feel safe. This post is only for those who had someone become physically violent when you attempted to leave like I did, or those who were physically abused even before that happened. I just want to feel safe, I want not to worry any more. Everyone tells me this desire is OK but it doesn’t feel OK. I am not the kind of person that wants anyone to die. I used to just want my ex to heal and be OK but the shit never ends with the fear.
Oh DDW,
I expect that call every day. I’m not afraid of him, but I almost wish he WOULD go to jail or to the hospital because I know he is on drugs and I would feel so much better with him being somewhere safe. I would even want him with a OW (if he’s not with one because I feel so bad for him. I guess that is Meh to an extent….?
Happy Birthday, Chump Lady! These wishes are a day late because I spent all day yesterday in divorce hearings and did not access the Internet. I am truly truly happy I found your blog, and I am always sending you silent prayers and blessings for the many ways you have helped me and my family. I quote you all the time! You are a gift in my life. I often wonder how you can keep spitting out columns every day, and hope you never run out!! Thank you for lifting me out of my depression and facing me towards Meh! I am moving forward with a smile!
Love reading these hope stories! And Happy Birthday, yesterday was my birthday too!
congrats to you Crista on reaching ‘meh’ and happy bday CL!
I offer one thought to anyone in that fresh raw stage after Dday based on my experience. Be sure to maintain balance and perspective on dating soon after Dday… meeting and dating a good normal person who treats you well feels like finding a clear spring oasis after years in the scorching desert. It can build your confidence and create joy, but’s it’s easy to delay clearing your head and really getting to ‘meh’ at the same time.
In hindsight I know it took me longer to shed my heavy baggage because I let someone else carry it too often.
Six years after my divorce I met a great guy. We’d both been divorced for quite a while and were generally happy with our respective lives as single parents. We’ve now been married 8 functional, drama free, fun, committed and respectful years.
Was your ex the one in the videos doing those absurd “dances”?
I can probably only echo what others have probably said more eloquently: stop being his audience… even from afar.
If your ex the the prancer/dancer/actor/motivationalsomethingorother, then the fact that you were such a good audience may have been part of what attracted him to you in the first place.
I think it might be time to make yourself the star of your own personal documentary 🙂 You have a chance now to think about yourself.
oops, responded to wrong post. sorry