Dear Chump Lady,
Is it possible to be too meh? I’m 2 1/2 year out past DDay. During that time I was devastated like so many others. Married 15 years, 2 kids, both had jobs that we love and while money was tight at times we could basically do what we wanted. He left with the classic “I don’t love you anymore, you’re lazy, didn’t keep house good enough, etc.” Which of course cuts straight to the soul.
Turns out he was having an affair and too cowardly to admit it, so blaming me was easier. Coming out I had no idea how beat down I really was. I believed and became all the negative qualities he told me. But I’m not really like that! I lost the person I was. Of course I did the usual chumpy moves and decided to rediscover myself and show him I am the woman he’s loved.
Anyway, fast forward, my question is can you be too meh? He likes me today, meh okay roll with it. He’s too “busy” to be around, meh okay I roll with it. I am the ultimate prize for narcissists. And quite frankly to me it’s progress to be indifferent if he is here or not. But I still like (and I don’t have anything else going on anyway) when he decides to like me. Actually he tells me he loves me and I’m his home.
The problem isn’t that you lied the problem is now I can’t believe you. EVER. Good or bad. My best friend swears I’ve turned sadistic. Please let’s see how much and how many times he can shit on you. I’ve hit the Guinness world record. And it’s entertaining to predict his behaviors. Sadly I know the game too and how to feed him cake. I mean my hands bleed at times from clapping. Although I don’t feed him like I used too. He’s TEXTBOOK NPD.
I’m not against finding someone new. I really did, early on, need a withdrawal period but feel like I’ve weaned myself off him. I don’t NEED him for anything. Financially I’m better than when we were married even. Hired a housekeeper to help. I’m not a slob but housecleaning is not my fav. And hello? I LOVE clean house Friday! My relationship with my best friend is strongest it’s ever been. Thank god because I’m pretty sure I would have shriveled up and died without her. Because the social circle is smaller for sure from this divorce. And I truly feel my kids are relieved to have a house to decompress and not walk on eggshells in.
I know I need to bite the bullet and just quit him but for some unknown reason I’m still on this hamster wheel. So too meh? Is it possible? Because if affairs, lying, rages, walking on eggshells, narcissism aren’t enough WTH will actually push me over to the fuck you side of meh? Pick a side I know.
I’m confused. It sounds to me like you’re divorced and things are pretty dandy. The kids are happier. The house is cleaner. The finances are better. Your friendship is stronger.
And then you write:
He likes me today, meh okay roll with it. He’s too “busy” to be around, meh okay I roll with it. I am the ultimate prize for narcissists. And quite frankly to me it’s progress to be indifferent if he is here or not. But I still like (and I don’t have anything else going on anyway) when he decides to like me. Actually he tells me he loves me and I’m his home.
He tells you you are his HOME and you’re divorced? You said you still “feed him cake” just not like you used to. So I can only assume, Sucker, that you’re very much NOT meh, you’re still a sucker. He comes and goes as he likes (where is the custody schedule?!), and you try to be indifferent to whether or not he still likes you, but then confess — hey — you DO like it when he likes you.
This is NOT what meh looks like. You’re kidding yourself. This guy is still very much in your orbit, taking up way too much real estate, and this is exactly why you aren’t “finding anyone new.” Old is still flopped on your sofa waiting for dinner and a nice fuck.
Time to find some boundaries. Divorce isn’t much of a boundary if you let them keep eating cake. Hah! See I left you! Is pretty hollow when he’s still there.
So first step, Sucker, is NO CONTACT. Take revolving door off your house. You only talk to him by email or text about the kids and their schedule. That is IT. You abide by the custody schedule and if you don’t have one that’s clear enough — you GET one, pronto. And then you communicate with him with zero emotion short statements like “I’ll have Suzy ready for her visit 4 p.m. on Friday and will drop her off…”
Second step, internalize who he REALLY is. Yes, he lies to you and yes, you can’t believe a word he says. That is WHO HE IS. Meh is not “fuck you” — meh is “I know who you are, and I’m not going to bother with you.” Fuck you is still anger that he’s not the person you want him to be. Meh is acceptance, yep, he is that asshole.
Third step, once you accept that he’s that asshole, you arrange your life accordingly. You don’t traffic in nonsense. You don’t care if he likes you or doesn’t like you. Because he’s a liar and someone prone to drama, you parallel parent and pretty much scrap any ideas of co-parenting, because getting consensus with a wing nut is near impossible. All you can do is make sure you enforce visitation and document when that doesn’t happen and why. And when you have enough noncompliance with the court order, you go back to your lawyer and get it changed.
Oh and yeah, that sucks. Up side? More time in your happy house with your happy kids without him. Up side if he takes them? More time to discover that awesome person you are and work on her self improvement. And take in a movie or two, maybe with a nice new friend.